Chapter Text
The sound of the door slamming shut echoed through the dark apartment, disturbing the quiet that had settled in the empty rooms. The silence was quickly replaced by the sound of heavy breathing, stumbling footsteps and muffled laughter. There was a buzzing energy in the air, filling the rooms with an excitement that made the two men giddy and light headed.
Nakahara Chuuya was nowhere close to a blushing virgin. He couldn't count how many sexual partners he had since he first started to explore his sexuality, and was quite adventurous when it came to the bedroom. He wasn't afraid to try new things, and often found he preferred the more extreme side of things. He thought he was over the point in his life where he was nervous about sex, getting lost in his head about wanting things to be perfect. He didn't need perfection, and had long ago abandoned that thought.
Chuuya preferred to sleep around. Finding someone he was interested in for more than one night was difficult, and he had given up long ago. He didn't care enough about romance to bother dating, and thought it would be easier to stick to flings with strangers. He wasn't opposed to the idea of being in a relationship, he simply didn't care enough to actively look for someone. He figured love wouldn't come if he was actively looking for it, and he would rather it come to him naturally.
Chuuya did not expect love to come in the form of his childhood friend appearing in his life again after years apart. He couldn't lie to himself that the interest was new, but he never considered his first crush to be an option.
The first reason was simple:
Dazai Osamu was the straightest person Chuuya had known when he was a child.
At least, that was what Chuuya thought up until two months prior, when Dazai sauntered back into his life as if no time had passed. The last time Chuuya saw Dazai, they both were 18 and leaving for university. Dazai was moving abroad, and had promised to keep in touch with Chuuya. They had grown up together after all, and he swore he would stay friends with Chuuya until they died.
That promise lasted approximately one year.
It wasn't a sudden change, Dazai didn't cut Chuuya out with no explanation, but he did slowly start to drift away. He would forget to respond to Chuuya for days on end. Days turned into weeks, weeks into months.
The worst part was that Chuuya barely even noticed. He was so busy with his own school, his new life separate from Dazai, that he didn't even realize that he was losing his best friend. It only started to hurt when he realized he couldn't just pick up the phone and tell Dazai something weird that happened over the weekend, or send him a funny picture in the middle of the night. He only raised what he lost after it was too late.
Years passed. Chuuya moved on. The small crush he had on his old friend was forgotten as he filled his nights with stranger after stranger. He wasn't lonely by any means, he had friends from school and work, but that didn't stop his mind from wandering to Dazai, to what could have been if only he hadn't lost touch.
So when Dazai strolled into a local dive bar that Chuuya frequented, more than anything he was confused. He didn't realize Dazai was even back in Japan, let alone aware of the places that Chuuya was a regular of.
Chuuya was going to go over and talk to him, curious if the other man even still recognized him. Not that Chuuya had changed that drastically, but he did feel different. He was less insecure, actually confident in his sexuality and gender nonconformity. His hair was much longer than when he was a kid, having grown it out so it now reached past his shoulders. He wore outlandish clothing, flirted with any pretty thing that looked his way. He wasn't the angry teenager that Dazai last saw.
He was about to gather the nerve to speak to Dazai, when he noticed another man make his way to Dazai and wrap his arm around his waist. Chuuya's steps faltered, and he quickly moved behind a taller person to see what else this other person did. He looked younger than Dazai, maybe by a few years. His hair was black and white, with a choppy cut that had his bangs much longer than the rest of his hair. He had a sickly look to him, and Chuuya's stomach dropped as he realized Dazai must be here for him.
Dazai was pulling the younger man closer to his side, turning his head to whisper something in his ear. Chuuya finally looked away, getting like a creep for watching Dazai from hiding. It has been years since they had been friends, so why should Dazai come to see him? He probably didn't even realize Chuuya still lived there. It wasn't like they knew anything about each other anymore. Chuuya didn't even know Dazai was back, so why should Dazai know anything about him?
That thought made Chuuya feel worse than he had expected. Suddenly he was filled with bitter memories, regret filling his mind as it often wanted to do. It was partially Chuuya's fault that they had grown apart, he could have continued contact with Dazai. Expect, he hadn't. He let his friendship with Dazai slip away, and he had no right to be upset about it even years later. He was being selfish. Why should it matter to him that Dazai was here for someone else?
Chuuya's mood had turned sour, and he tried to move to the entrance of the bar without being spotted. He didn't want an awkward reunion with Dazai, not when neither of them planned it. He kept his head down as he passed, quietly wishing that his ex-friend wouldn't notice him.
Unfortunately, Chuuya had never gotten what he wished for.
He was about to make it to the door, letting out a sigh of relief that he made it passed, when a familiar voice called out to him and stopped him in his tracks.
"Holy shit, Chuuya?"
Chuuya froze in place. He could feel Dazai's eyes on him, burning a hole in his back with every second he stood there like a deer in headlights. He cursed quietly under his breath, before turning to face the man he spent most of his childhood with.
"Dazai? This is so weird, I didn't know you were ba-"
Before Chuuya could finish, Dazai reminded him of the second reason he had never considered him as an actual romantic prospect.
"Damn, you really never grew, huh? Still just a chibi."
The man was annoying as hell.
Dazai had always taken pleasure in riling up Chuuya, knowing all the right buttons to set him off. It didn't help that when he was younger, Chuuya struggled to keep his anger in check. He would snap at the smallest inconveniences, and Dazai always thought it was amusing seeing him fly into a rage.
Fortunately, Chuuya had worked on his anger. He wouldn't lash out at Dazai just because he called Chuuya a mocking nickname.
"Oi, fucker, haven't seen you in 6 years and that's all you have to say to me?!"
Well, maybe he would. He wouldn't smack him now, at least.
"Oh, of course. How rude of me. I should have gone straight to the awkward small talk, right? What are you doing now, blah blah, how is work, blah."
Chuuya was about to snap back a response, when he realized the man with Dazai was staring at him intensely. Chuuya let himself take a better look at him, now that any thought of staying hidden from Dazai was thrown out the window. He was taller than Chuuya, and quite thin. He was wearing all black, and appeared to have eyeliner smeared haphazardly around his eyes. He was clinging to Dazai's arm like it was a life raft and he didn't know how to swim. The image of Dazai letting a man hang off him in such a way confused Chuuya, as it conflicted with the memories he had from their childhood.
Dazai's eyes flickered over to the man beside him, before he looked back over at Chuuya to explain.
"This is Akutagawa. I forgot you hadn't met him yet."
"Huh, nice meeting you," Chuuya held out a hand to Akutagawa, "I'm Chuuya. I was friends with Dazai when we were kids."
Akutagawa stared at the hand Chuuya was holding out longer than seemed necessary, an odd expression on his face. It took another few seconds before he let go of Dazai's arm to shake Chuuya's hand.
"Nice to meet you," Akutagawa murmured. He kept glancing up at Dazai, a questioning look in his eye. It took Chuuya a moment to realize this...Akutagawa appeared to be jealous of him.
"Well, this has been a lively conversation," Dazai laughed as he draped his arm over Akutagawa's shoulder, "I can't believe you're here."
"I actually come here a lot," Chuuya replied, relieved that the uncomfortable tension between the three had been brief, "I think I'm the one who is surprised. I didn't know you were even in the country. "
Dazai laughed, and suddenly Chuuya felt that flutter of butterflies that he always got when he was a kid. He tried to shake off the feeling, but it was difficult to ignore the way hearing Dazai laugh made him feel. He was thinking again about how he had messed up all those years ago, the regret he felt for not staying in contact with the other man.
"I was about to head out, but we should hang out sometime. Catch up for real, y'know?" Chuuya blurted out, suddenly overtaken by a desperation to not lose Dazai this time around. He was given a second chance, and he wouldn't fuck it up again.
"I'd love that," The smile Dazai gave Chuuya was breathtaking. He knew it was genuine, knew what Dazai looked like if he was faking niceties.
Chuuya quickly rummaged around in his pocket, pulling out a pen before reaching behind Dazai to grab a napkin from a nearby table. He scribbled down his number, before smacking it against Dazai's chest.
"Text me. I'll let you know when I'm free," Chuuya grinned up at Dazai, putting his hands into his pockets as he bounced on his heels, "It's so fuckin' weird that you're back."
"It really is, huh?" Dazai laughed as he pocketed the napkin Chuuya gave him.
Chuuya nodded at Akutagawa, giving him a more reserved smile as he added, "Nice meeting ya too. I'm sure I'll see you around, actually get to know you and everything."
Akutagawa's nod was stiff compared to Chuuya, but he still managed to get out a quiet, "I will see you around."
Chuuya turned away from Dazai and finally made his way out of the bar. He felt giddy, a warmth was spreading through his chest and to his face. He didn't know why he had been so nervous for Dazai to spot him. They had always been friends, so why not try again now? Maybe this time, now that they were older, they wouldn't drift apart like before. Chuuya hoped he wouldn't lose Dazai again.
Even if the separation was quiet, subtle, it still kept him up at night when the loneliness and the exhaustion settled into his mind. He wasn't dissatisfied with his life, but he could never shake the longing to see Dazai, to be close to him again like when they were young.
Chuuya couldn't help laughing to himself, the excitement bubbling up from his chest without his consent. He brushed aside the strangeness with the man Dazai was with, instead focusing on the fact that his best friend was in his life again.
It took Dazai a little more than a week to finally text Chuuya. Not that he had been counting days, of course. He wasn't that desperate for friendship. He continued to go about his life as usual, working and meeting up with friends as if nothing had changed. And, if they noticed he had been checking his phone more frequently, then they must be mistaken.
Was Chuuya excited to know Dazai was in town again? Of course. They had been friends since they were 5 years old, it would be odd if he wasn't excited. But he was aware enough of the situation to understand that things wouldn't be the same.
Chuuya had grown a lot since high school. Maybe not physically, but mentally he felt like a completely different person. He was sure Dazai must have changed a lot too, and he was curious what ways he would be different. It was already news to Chuuya that Dazai was attracted to men. Even if they never said it, it seemed obvious to Chuuya that Akutagawa must be Dazai's partner.
He obviously didn't know how serious things were, but Chuuya couldn't help the excitement that Dazai was also queer. He always was curious if that was the case, but Dazai only ever dated (well, "dated" was putting it nicely) girls in high school, so Chuuya assumed that was the end of it.
Did this actually change anything about how he saw Dazai? No. Of course not. It didn't make him any more available, or take away the parts of his personality that made Chuuya want to throw him off a bridge. Really, the only difference was that at least now Chuuya knew for sure that Dazai wouldn't be put off by his own sexuality.
Chuuya really only started to date (and then later, sleep around) after he drifted apart from Dazai. He had set his standards too high when he was a teenager, which had made it difficult for him to actually be interested in the boys his age. The only person he ever even considered attractive was Dazai, and he was too busy making out with any girl that let him to notice. Not that Chuuya would have pursued him seriously, but he did think that their friendship got in the way of what he thought a relationship should look like.
Even if it had never been romantic, Chuuya still expected a level of familiarity and lack of personal space that he simply could not get from new people. He wanted to skip past the getting to know each other phase, and go directly to knowing everything about the other.
That mindset had stayed even after Chuuya started attempting to date, which is why he quickly realized there was no use in trying for something he knew was impossible to have. It was easier to sleep around, then to constantly be disappointed when no one lived up to the unrealistic expectations he had set for himself as a teenager.
It was annoying that his friendship with Dazai had influenced him so thoroughly it still affected his relationships to this day, but that was something Chuuya had to get over himself.
Now that Dazai was back in his life, even if not to the extent he was when they were kids, Chuuya was afraid it might be difficult to shake off that influence he had over him. He thought hanging out with the other man might drag him back to where he was all those years ago, and it would be difficult for him to snap out of it and move on with his life if Dazai left again.
Most of all, Chuuya was scared that things wouldn't be the same. He was afraid that the connection they had in their youth would be gone, and things would be uncomfortable when they did see each other. He didn't want to ruin the memory of their friendship, and he was terrified that they would be too different. He was still desperate to see Dazai again, but he hated the thought that things between them would be dull.
Even if it wasn't awful, he couldn't bear the thought that the spark would be gone. Their friendship had been many things, had gone through rough patches and outright hatred at times, but it had always been passionate. There were always strong feelings between the two, even if the feelings were negative.
Chuuya tried to brush his fears aside when he did finally get a text from Dazai. He felt giddy all over again, his stomach flipping in a not entirely unpleasant way. He was excited to get to know how Dazai had changed, even if his anxiety was reminding him of all the ways it could go badly.
Chuuya let Dazai know the days he would be free, and they decided to meet up on the following Friday. Chuuya had a little less than a week to prepare, and he spent most of that time stressing over the details.
He wanted it to be a balance of planned out and casual, nothing too uptight while also giving him enough room to bail if things went badly. He really had no idea what would happen when seeing Dazai again, and he didn't want to go into it expecting things to be exactly the same.
Friday night came far too quickly, and Chuuya found himself standing outside of a crowded restaurant waiting for Dazai to show. He had been waiting there for close to twenty minutes with no signs of the other man, which told him that Dazai at least hadn't changed enough to actually be punctual now. Always a pleasure to realize that an old friend's bad habits hadn't left with age.
Chuuya pulled his coat around himself, crossing his arms over his chest as he tried to fight off the chill. It wasn't like they had a reservation, but he was still growing more agitated with each passing moment. He was mentally deciding how much longer he would wait before ditching, when he finally saw Dazai walking down the street, headed directly for him.
Chuuya waved him over, relieved that Dazai hadn't bailed on their plans. He knew Dazai had never been the most reliant when it came to arriving on time, but he was still afraid that maybe he had jumped the gun by inviting him out. It had been years since they had seen each other, after all.
Thankfully, that wouldn't be a problem, since the moment Dazai spotted Chuuya he started to run down the street headed directly for him. He had a goofy smile on his face, his hair flowing out behind him. Chuuya hadn't even noticed how long it had gotten the previous night, and now he felt his face flush as he realized that Dazai looked almost pretty with the longer hair.
Before Chuuya could say anything, Dazai had wrapped his arms around him and lifted him off the ground. Chuuya let out an indignant squawk and smacked the taller man's back repeatedly, trying to get him to put him down.
"Oi! Bastard! What the fuck are you doing?" Chuuya yelled, continuing to pound his fists against Dazai's back.
"I'm greeting you, of course!" Dazai chirped happily, ignoring Chuuya's protests entirely. "Am I not allowed to show excitement over seeing my dear ol' buddy?"
"Not by picking me up, you ain't!" Chuuya managed to land a solid kick on Dazai, satisfied by the low grunt he let out. Chuuya wiggled free from his hold, dropping back to the ground with a quiet thud.
"Ah, Chuuya is no fun," Dazai sighed, shaking his head disapprovingly.
"I would be 'fun' if your version of fun didn't come at my expense."
"I was excited!" Dazai exclaimed, throwing his arm over Chuuya's shoulder as they walked into the restaurant, "I couldn't contain my joy."
"You seemed pretty contained at the bar the other day," Chuuya retorted.
Dazai simply waved him off, an oddly strained tone to his voice as he said, "I was busy then. Couldn't focus my attention entirely on you."
"But now you can?"
"Exactly!" Dazai grinned down at Chuuya. Any negative feeling behind his voice was already replaced by that overwhelming glee that made Chuuya want to punch him in the face-- especially when it was so clear he was hiding his true feelings.
Chuuya didn't say anything, though. He didn't think it was his place to butt into Dazai's personal life, not when they hadn't been close in years. He stayed quiet as the waitress led them to a small table in the back of the restaurant. Chuuya was quietly relieved that it was slightly isolated, making it easier for him to relax and talk openly. He wanted to ask Dazai about the man the other night, but wasn't sure if he would be crossing a boundary.
Chuuya plopped into his seat, shrugging off his coat as he did so. It was far too warm inside for him to keep it on, and if Dazai's eyes lingered on the low cut of his shirt then. Well. Chuuya would pretend he did not notice.
Unfortunately, Dazai seemed to notice that Chuuya was feeling off about the situation. He leaned back in his chair, giving Chuuya a once over, before saying, "What is it?"
"What are you-"
"You want to ask me something, right? You're looking at me weirdly."
Chuuya shifted in his seat, breaking eye contact with Dazai as the waitress came back over to bring them water. He waited for her to leave before replying.
"It's nothing actually bad, I guess I just didn't realize you were queer."
"Excuse me?"
"That guy the other night, you're with him, right? I was surprised."
"Oh, you mean Akutagawa?" Dazai sighed and picked up his glass of water, looking into the liquid as he continued, "Yeah, he's my boyfriend."
"You don't seem very happy about that."
Dazai shrugged, taking a swig of his water before speaking again.
"It's not that I'm unhappy, it's...complicated." He sighed again, placing his glass back on the table, "Not sure you'd want to hear it all on our first night out together."
"I wouldn't mind," Chuuya blurted out, before quickly adding, "I mean, only if you're comfortable with it."
"Not sure dumping my relationship bullshit on you counts as small talk," Dazai said with a bitter laugh.
"Fuck small talk," Chuuya grinned, "I would have to beat your ass if you tried talking to me about the weather."
Dazai went quiet after that. He was looking at Chuuya intensely, making him shift uncomfortably in his seat. Even if he knew Dazai better than most people in his life, there were still times like this where he could not guess what the other man was thinking. He felt a shiver go down his spine at the sudden tension at the table, and he was beginning to regret asking Dazai about his love life.
Finally, after what felt like an eternity, Dazai finally broke the uncomfortable silence that had settled on their table.
"Like I said," Dazai started, his voice tentative, as if he did not want to scare Chuuya away, "It's complicated. We've been together on and off for...close to five years now? And it never was...great, for either of us. We met at a bad time for the both of us, and that soured the entire relationship. He's a good guy I just...I don't think I can give him what he deserves."
Chuuya wasn't sure what he expected to hear, but it certainly wasn't that. He honestly thought Dazai would say it was a new fling, a casual relationship that would be awkward to introduce a childhood friend to. He definitely didn't think Dazai would admit to such a long relationship, or admit that the other person deserved better.
"Man, I knew that would be too heavy," Dazai groaned, tilting his head back so he was staring at the ceiling, "Sorry for making things weird."
"You didn't make things weird," Chuuya quickly replied, hoping to fix the awkwardness he had created between them, "Gotta admit, it did catch me off guard, but that's not on you. I was the one who pushed you to talk about it."
Dazai sighed, reaching up to scratch the back of his neck.
"Alright, if you're sure. I know things aren't...the same, as before. I wanted to try and push it to not be any different, but I think that was a wrong move-"
"Hey," Chuuya interrupted, leaning across the table to poke at Dazai's chest, "It's fine, seriously. I obviously know just as well as you do that things aren't the same, but that doesn't mean you can't act like my friend. I like that you still want to share things with me, even after all these years. Don't beat yourself up over it."
Dazai looked down at Chuuya's hand, still pressing into the thick sweater he was wearing, before letting out a choked laugh.
"You haven't changed much, have you?" Dazai shook his head, batting Chuuya's hand away, "Fine, fine. I didn't make things weird. I still think we should change the topic."
"Oh, c'mon. I'm curious now! I'll tell you all the messy shit in my life if you do."
That seemed to pique Dazai's curiosity. He stared Chuuya down a moment longer, before finally putting his hands up defensively and saying, "Fine, you win. I'll give you the gory details."
Before Dazai could continue, the waitress came back to their table to take their orders. Chuuya was agitated by the interruption, but knew he had no real reason to be so impatient. It wasn't like they had limited time, and he could wait a few more minutes before hearing what exactly Dazai meant when he called his relationship complicated. He told himself he had no ulterior motives, but there was a quiet voice at the back of his mind that kept reminding Chuuya of his history with Dazai. He wouldn't do something extreme like sabotaging Dazai's relationship, but if they already were on rocky terms...
Dazai waited until they were alone again to begin his story. He still seemed on guard, but at least Chuuya had reassured him that it was okay.
"I guess I'll start at the beginning," Dazai finally began, turning his head away from Chuuya, "I actually met him while still in the US. I was having...problems with school, to put it lightly, and something about him was weirdly comforting. We were both new to the area, and he had the same taste of literature as me, so it made sense to stick around him. I didn't even realize I was attracted to men until I met him, and it's a bit hard to shake the fact that he was my first. "
Dazai hesitated for a moment, glancing at Chuuya, before he continued.
"This was also around when I stopped talking to you. It wasn't anything you did, I just didn't have it in me to focus on school and stay in contact with people. Honestly, the only reason I got close to Akutagawa was because of him. He initiated most of our interactions, and I enjoyed his company enough not to refuse. Most of the time we just study together at the library, or he would come to my dorm and we'd spend the night watching movies quietly. We both were depressed, but we didn't realize it at the time."
"I'm sorry, I had no ide-"
"Nope," Dazai cut him off, "None of that. I'm not telling you this to make you feel bad. I was on the other side of the world, and I certainly wasn't telling you what was going on. I don't want you blaming yourself for the fact that I stopped responding."
"I still could have done more," Chuuya mumbled, bringing his own glass of water up to his lips.
"You had your own life," Dazai said, a smile flashing across his face that didn't quite reach his eyes, "I didn't want you to ignore that for my sake."
"I guess," Chuuya sighed, clenching his fists in the fabric of his shirt, "I still feel bad for not trying harder to keep contact."
"We're talking now, aren't we?" Dazai laughed, resting his elbows on the table, "Honestly, I'm glad you missed most of this. It wasn't a pretty time in my life."
"I never would expect pretty from you," Chuuya teased, hoping to lighten the mood of the conversation.
Dazai gasped dramatically, bringing his hand up to cover his face in shock as he exclaimed, "Are you trying to say you don't think I'm pretty?"
"That's exactly what I'm saying."
"Huh, didn't realize you had gotten so good at lying when I was away."
"Shut the fuck up."
Dazai laughed, leaning across the table to take Chuuya's hand, "I'm really glad you invited me out tonight. I missed you."
His eyes were shining and Chuuya felt his heart skip a beat. He didn't want to be the sort of person who fell for a man in a committed relationship, even if the man happened to be one of the few people Chuuya had felt a genuine connection with his entire life. He told himself the warmth spreading through his body was simply happiness that he had a chance to be close with Dazai again. Nothing more, nothing less.
"I missed you too," Chuuya breathed out, squeezing Dazai's hand ever so slightly. The way the other man was staring at him was filling him with a feeling he hadn't felt since high school.
Somewhere along the line, Chuuya's memories of Dazai had fogged over. He had convinced himself over the years that the feelings he had for his best friend were nothing but a small crush, something meaningless that really only happened because Chuuya was a young queer and Dazai just happened to be around the most.
At least, that was what he believed until that moment. It suddenly hit him all the feelings he had forgotten with distance. All the long nights thinking about Dazai, but being too afraid to pick up the phone. He had gone so long trying to forget that he was deeply, painfully in love with Dazai, and he only was realizing it after it was too late.
Chuuya quickly pulled his hand away from Dazai once the word love entered his mind. He cleared his throat, taking a drink of water to avoid saying anything that would embarrass himself. Dazai leaned back in his chair again, putting distance between them again. He was clearly amused, barely hiding a laugh as Chuuya calmed himself.
"So, you uh," Chuuya coughed again into his hand, "You weren't done with your story."
Dazai's smile faltered for a moment, but he corrected it so quickly Chuuya almost thought he had imagined it.
"Yeah...Kinda was hoping you would forget."
"C'mon, how bad could it be?"
"I mean..." Dazai trailed off, his eyes darting around the room suspiciously, his voice lowering to a whisper, "It involves murder. "
"No it fucking doesn't."
Dazai laughed, smacking his hand down on the table. "Damn! You figured it out."
"Yeah, shit head," Chuuya kicked at Dazai under the table, relieved that the feeling of love that had clouded his mind was starting to clear. It had been less than an hour since he saw him again, he was too grown to be so irrational.
"Ugh, fine. I'll tell you for real this time," Dazai kicked back at Chuuya, "But don't blame me if it ruins the mood again."
"Was it really that bad?"
"I don't know. I guess?" Dazai sighed, "Honestly, it was probably worse for Akutagawa. I was pretty shitty to him at the time."
"How old were you when this was happening?" Chuuya asked, curiosity getting the best of him. He mostly wanted to know how much younger Akutagawa was, but he thought it might sound accusatory if he asked directly.
"I was almost 19 when we met, he was 17. We only started dating officially when I was 20, although the more... physical side of the relationship started before that."
"Physical?" Chuuya asked, smirking at Dazai teasingly.
"Yes, physical, " Dazai repeated, rolling his eyes at Chuuya as he did, "I don't know what you expected."
"I didn't say anything," Chuuya grinned.
"Anyway, if you are finished with your so very urgent interruption."
"Sorry, sorry," Chuuya laughed, "You can continue."
"Thank you for the permission," Dazai rolled his eyes again, "Yes, surprise surprise. Two depressed, queer college students who rarely left each others company fucked a lot. No one is surprised, especially when they are still together five years later."
"Okay, sorry, I gotta stop you again."
Dazai threw his hands up, sighing with exasperation, "You were the one who wanted to hear this story-!"
"I know, I know," Chuuya pulled his leg up to his chest, resting his chin on his knee, "I'm just surprised out of the two of us, you're the one in a committed relationship."
"Committed relationship is a very interesting way to look at it," Dazai groaned, "We also hadn't seen each other in years when we started...I don't even know what we're doing, to be honest. It's only been going on again for a few months."
"Wait, really?" Chuuya asked, not able to keep the surprise from his voice.
"I mean, we kept in contact, but he moved back here before I did, and neither of us thought long distance would be healthy with everything that happened at that time. So, I told him I'd call if I was ever in Japan again."
"So...what? You came back and immediately started to date again?"
"Not exactly," Dazai sighed, "Neither of us expected it. I think we both thought it would stay platonic this time around, but... Well. Didn't take long for us to realize what happened between us was too intense to stay friends."
"You still sound upset about that."
"Yeah, I guess I am," Dazai picked up his glass, swirling the water around to keep his eyes focused on something other than Chuuya, "I want him in my life, but I don't think this is good for him. The fact we can't stay away from each other is part of the problem."
"Have you told him that?"
Dazai snorted, taking a large gulp of his water before putting it back on the table.
"Sorta. It came up when we first started dating again."
"What did he think about it?"
Dazai shrugged, "We decided to take things slower this time. No sex, or staying with each other for longer than a night. We want to see if it's possible for us to stay together without spiraling to the place we used to be."
"Shit," Chuuya let out a bitter laugh, "You must really care about him, if you'd do all that 'cause you wanna be with him."
"What do you mean?" Dazai asked, cocking his head, questioning.
"I mean," Chuuya shifted awkwardly in his seat, "You've gone months without sex just for him? That's a lot in itself."
"I guess," Dazai laughed, "I mean, honestly that isn't a big deal to me. Not when it comes to him, at least. The intense physical relationship is what fucked us over in the first place. Not gonna put him in that place again."
"Why date him at all then?" Chuuya asked. It was bugging him, and not only because of the realization of his own forgotten feelings for the other man. He didn't get what Dazai was saying, why he would go through so much for something that didn't seem good for him. From how he was describing, he seemed to understand it wasn't a great idea, so why stick to it?
"Because I still care about him," Dazai sighed, "And he still loves me, and I might love him too. Things weren't good before, but that was because we were young and stupid. We didn't understand how to make it work. The point of this is to see if that is something that changed with age, or if we simply don't work together. The feelings might be real, but there is only so much feeling can do."
"Well... are things working?"
"What do you mean?"
Chuuya leaned back in his chair, crossing his arms over his chest as he asked, "I mean, you said you've been with him again for a few months, right? Is it working out?"
Dazai shifted in his seat, breaking eye contact with Chuuya again. He didn't respond for a while, and Chuuya almost began to regret asking him. Even if they wanted things to be the same, was it really his right to ask something so personal? He didn't know what happened between Dazai and Akutagawa when they were in college, not even close to the full story, yet he already was making judgements about their relationship. He didn't even understand romance, at least not to the degree most people around him seemed to. Maybe this level of dedication was normal for love. Maybe the pull he felt to Dazai wasn't love, but an odd mixture of sexual attraction and something else. He didn't think he could do what Dazai was describing to him with anyone, including Dazai. Was he just selfish, or had he simply not felt love before?
Dazai didn't say anything again until after their food was brought to the table. He had a distant look in his eye ever since Chuuya questioned him, making Chuuya regret prying so deeply into his relationship. It wasn't his place. He should have realized it would be a sore topic. He couldn't take the tension anymore.
"Dazai, I--"
"I didn't answer, because I don't know," Dazai interrupted, eyes darting up to look at Chuuya again, "I don't know if it will work. That's why I said I didn't know if I could give him what he deserved. I want him to be happy, but I don't think I will give him that. I want him to move on from me, to be honest. Not because I don't like him, quite the opposite, actually."
"So why stay?" Chuuya asked, growing frustrated. He still felt as if he was missing something, a key piece to the puzzle that would make everything click into place.
"I think I need more than a few months to know for sure," Dazai replied, "Maybe I can be good for him."
Chuuya felt as if the conversation was going nowhere. Whether he wanted to admit it or not, he didn't know the full situation. He couldn't judge Dazai for his actions, when this was the first night speaking to him in years. Maybe it would make sense to him if he knew Akutagawa, or knew what had happened between them in the States. He was coming from a very limited point of view, and he thought that must be why he couldn't understand it.
"I guess that makes sense," Chuuya lied, hoping to end this discussion before he dug himself in too deep, "I have to admit, I don't think any stories I have are as interesting as this."
"Eh, that's fine," Dazai laughed. He seemed to relax at the change in conversation, and Chuuya regretted bringing Akutagawa up again, "I'll take whatever you got."
"Honestly, I haven't had any real relationships," Chuuya replied, "I can tell you about some weird fuckers I've hooked up with, though."
Dazai's eyes lit up at that, and Chuuya was relieved that the tension had cleared from the air. The conversation stayed light after that, Chuuya gladly telling his old friend graphic details of all his sexual exploits. It felt nice being able to make Dazai laugh again, even if their previous discussion was still eating away at the back of his mind. He tried to ignore it, but it was difficult trying to shake the thoughts from his head.
Chuuya was growing more uncomfortable as the night went on, but he didn't want to ruin his chance to be friends with Dazai again. He could keep his feelings at bay. He didn't even know what he was feeling, his mind a swirling cocktail of emotions he did not know the meaning of. By the time they were finishing dinner, Chuuya was hardly able to pay attention to their conversation. He nodded along with what Dazai said to him, but he wasn't aware what the other man was even talking about.
After a few more minutes, Dazai checked his phone and let out a quiet groan.
"Shit, it's getting late," Dazai sighed, slipping his phone back into his pocket, "I probably should head out soon, but we should do this again. I missed hanging out with you."
Chuuya gave Dazai the most genuine smile he could manage, nodding enthusiastically as he said, "Definitely. Maybe we could go out for drinks sometime? You can bring Akutagawa, if you want."
He didn't know why he said that. He cursed himself silently, hoping he didn't make it weird again. Dazai seemed surprised at the suggestion, but the look of shock was quickly replaced by a gentle smile.
"I would really like that, actually. I think you'd like him."
Chuuya doubted it, but he wouldn't say anything. Really, Dazai could be right. He didn't know anything about the guy, and he could be just as great as Dazai had implied. The only thing that might be a problem was the strange, definitely-not jealousy that tugged at Chuuya's gut.
Chuuya nodded again, not letting his smile drop. "Cool. Text me whenever you're both free."
They paid for the dinner, before heading in their separate directions. Chuuya pulled his coat tight around himself, kicking at rocks as he walked home. He felt so stupid. Why was he acting like a teenager again? Why did he care so much about Dazai's relationship? It made no sense. He scolded himself mentally the entire walk home, unable to accept the feelings he had remembered having for Dazai.
He couldn't be in love with Dazai. He wouldn't allow it.