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Twenty-six hours later and an empty jug of vodka was all it took for Chris to realize how badly he messed up. The throbbing pain rattling his head paled in comparison to the pain he felt when recalling the events that transpired the day prior. He couldn’t believe the words that escaped his mouth in the heat of the altercation, but he only had himself to blame.
Chris had been dating you for about a year now. His mom had introduced the two of you, and it was love at first sight. You made him a better version of himself everyday. At first he was scared. Scared that his bachelor days were coming to an end, but he soon realized the true roots of his apprehensiveness.
He was scared of how vulnerable you made him. How you made him face his faults head on instead of allowing himself to be coddled by friends and family. Recognizing his own privilege in this world, that granted him the ability to not worry about certain factors like employment, money, and racial injustice.
He was scared of how well you got to know him, the real him, in such a short amount of time. How, without him even saying a word, you knew when he was having a bad day. You would immediately go beside him, a warm hand grazing over the nape of his neck, softly tugging at the brown hair that adorned him. Humming the tune of a jazz ballad that he knew you had stuck in your head, quietly performing for him because you knew that always calmed him down.
He was scared that you had ruined him for any other woman. Sex was indescribable between the two of you. Lust would take over your body, causing your pupils to expand, he would feel your wanton breaths fan across his neck. You’d always pepper him with kisses, no matter if the two of you were going for a morning quickie or were experiencing fervent love making in the evening, you’d always pamper him with affection. The warmth that he was enveloped in by your wet cunt when he’d bottom out would drive him mad. You’d get lost in the moment, throwing your head back, exposing your neck for him to bite down on for stability when rutting into you. The feel of your hands exploring every inch of his skin, leaving crescent marks and long scratches made by your nails when he’d hit that spongy spot deep within you always had him in a daze.
He was scared that you wouldn’t be able to deal with dating an actor. He felt that because you were stuck teaching in Boston, while he got to fly around the world for filming, you would grow restless without having his presence near you. That whenever the two of you had decided to go public, you wouldn’t be able to take the pressure of dating him. He felt that the sudden intrusion and constant criticism from fans and journalists would get to the better of you and you’d leave him.
But most importantly, he was scared of how much he was in love with you. He loved the way you always had a beat stuck in your head. The melody flowing through your body, making you dance like no one was watching. Whether it was a full choreography from one of your favorite artists’ music videos or a chaotic improv number, which was mainly you just flailing around, singing at the top of your lungs, he loved it all.
He loved how selfless you were. How you took in a pair of stray cats and invited them into your home even though you were allergic, stating, ‘Well it’s not like the animal shelters will take them, you know how packed they are. The least I could do is give them a home.’ For 8 full months you let your allergies take over you, constantly downing Benadryl to alleviate your symptoms until you finally built up an immunity. But you didn’t let that deter you from playing with them at first. Dressing them up in cheesy costumes, his personal favorite was the Captain America suit you got for the orange tabby. You even ended up changing his tune about the mischievous felines. He went from side stepping them and carefully watching their every move to sneaking them extra treats when you weren’t in the room because he secretly loved them. Even though he would never in a million years admit that to you.
He loved the shape of your body. The curve of your hips, the swell of your breasts, the suppleness of your ass, he just couldn’t get enough. He loved the way your smile brightened up his day, how infectious your laugh was. The way your eyes twinkled whenever you looked at him, as if he was the most alluring being in the world. It had him speechless at times. But even with all of the praises he would consistently deliver to you about yourself, you still had some insecurities. You didn’t have the flattest stomach, or the face of a model. You tried to keep your self doubts internalized but Chris saw through you. He’d constantly remind you were the most stunning woman he ever came across. That he was with you, and only you, for a reason and you didn’t have to worry about trying to look like something you thought he deserved.
He loved how talented you were. You were incredibly gifted. From being able to magically master an instrument from your first go around, to being able to recite a full 5 page excerpt from your favorite novel at the top of your head. One thing he cherished was that you were never haughty about your talents. You never saw yourself as better than everyone, never appeared condescending towards others. In fact, you loved sharing your knowledge with others. That’s what made you decide to go into the education field.
Chris also loved how family-oriented you were. You had a godson that you thought the world of. Constantly treating him as if he were your own. Taking him out shopping, to various attractions, sometimes sneaking him candy behind your best friends, his mother’s, back. Part of him would get butterflies in his stomach whenever he’d see you interact with children. You had this natural maternal instinct in you. Instantly knowing what to do with adolescents, no matter that age. You would sit and play princess and tea parties with his younger nieces, or play a rigorous game of soccer with his older nephews.
One thing, he was certainly enamored about you was your tenacity. You were currently working on your psychology dissertation. He would often find your nose practically touching all of the research papers and academic novels that you needed to defend your topic. The determination evident in your eyes, whenever he’d try to get you to take a break and relax with him on the couch. You’d quickly state that you were almost done, but him knowing how you were meant you’d stay stuck there for another hour or so. He’d kiss the column of your neck, feeling the pressure slowly start to fade away. He could tell you were trying to maintain your composure and stay focused on the task at hand but you couldn’t contain the sigh of relief when he’d lick a stripe behind your ear. His lips would tug up at the ends because he knew that one simple action would turn you into putty, ready for him to play with.
Your love for him was something he wholeheartedly treasured, but was also something he felt himself starting to hate.
You would always try to be around him. Constantly wanting to hang out, go on dates, hang with his friends. He was starting to grow impatient with your neediness, but after being single for so long, he loved the freedom that came with it. He never had to be questioned constantly about certain actions of his. Going out with friends, staying out late and coming back home plastered was something that he was fond of. He was allowed to talk with women however he saw fit, and that was one of the many contentions the both of you faced.
It all came to head when you guys were hanging out at his house one evening, when suddenly an argument broke out. He had been replying to some women on Twitter, which at the time he saw as innocent conversation, but in reality it was full on flirting. You always had a problem with his coquettish manner, you’d bring it up and he would calm your nerves and the both of you would move on. Well he would move on, while you silently stewed in your frustrations. But that day was the one that broke the camel’s back.
“It is flirting Christopher! Just because you’re single in the media’s eyes doesn’t mean you can just continue to disrespect me. I’ve told you time and time again that what you’re doing is hurting me. You dismiss my feelings and make it seem like I’m some possessive girlfriend.” You were standing up, chest heaving due to the frustration of your boyfriend not caring about your feelings, again.
“Because you are acting like a possessive girlfriend! I am a celebrity, you aren’t (Y/N). It’s part of my job to be friendly with people, it’s not flirting, it’s networking.” Chris was tired of constantly being critiqued by you for innocent interactions all the time.
At this point, you were so exhausted from having this constant battle with him, you didn’t even have the energy to yell anymore. “Chris, it’s not networking, it’s flirting, you and I both know that. I can’t continue to deal with your lack of care towards my feelings. You can either acknowledge what you’re doing or you can continue to do whatever you’d like while being single, because I’m done. I’m done hiding in the shadows while you get to enjoy the pleasures of bachelorhood. I’m tired of having my emotions invalidated.”
The rational part of Chris’s mind was telling him to calm down, relax before he’d say something he’d regret. But with anger clouding his better judgment, he ended up lashing out at you.
“Oh so this is what it’s about? Us hiding our relationship? I told you from the beginning that we would need to keep us a secret. Which, by the way, you agreed to!” He noticed the instant change in your stature because of the sudden raise in his voice. The way you froze in place, eyes slightly expanding, the way your lip was quivering. He never yelled at you before, but at that moment he didn’t care. So he continued on his tirade. “You agreed it would be better for us to keep it a secret! I told you before, and I’ll tell you again, I’m not flirting with these women. If you can’t see that then whatever, I can’t help the fact that you’re constantly insecure!”
All that could be heard in the space of his bedroom was his heavy breathing and the soft sniffing coming from you. Without a word you packed up the personal belongings you brought with you that day and headed for the door.
Before heading out, you turned around and looked at the brunette. “All I was asking for was just a bit of respect, Chris. Yes, I agreed to keep this relationship a secret, I understand why. But we have been together for a year now. At this point, I just feel like someone who’s warming your bed at night. And for you to throw my insecurities in my face was a low blow. I’m done,” you stated.
He should’ve dropped to his knees and started begging for your forgiveness. Apologized for his behavior and the lack of esteem that he should’ve had for you. But he decided to double down, and went to deliver one final blow to you.
“Fine, go right ahead and leave (Y/N).”
‘Chris, shut up’ his conscience was telling him.
“I don’t need you in my life.”
'Stop talking right now’
“If you think I’m going to chase after you and apologize it’s not going to happen,” he continued.
‘Be. Quiet.’
“You walking out that door won’t mean anything because I can just find someone else within the hour and forget about you. Someone who won’t question every move I make. That way I won’t have to hear your insistent nagging all the time.”
‘Do not finish that thought.’
“Because newsflash, you aren’t that special.”
'Congratulations dumbass’
He could see there were tears in your eyes, some already falling down the curve of your cheeks. The slight shake of body was enough evidence to know he truly hurt you. Even though his heart was thumping in his ears, he could still slightly make out the rattling of your keeps in your grip. But the frustration clouding his mind wouldn’t let him feel any remorse. He watched you quietly turn around, open the door and walk out of his life.
~
After you left, Chris immediately threw his phone against the wall, causing it to fall to the floor, cracking the screen in the process. The shattering sound echoing off the walls made Dodger tuck his tail between his legs and walk away from the seething man.
Irritation still flowing through his veins, he stalked over to the fridge and pulled out a beer, popping the cap off and downing the entire content of the glass in three measly sips.
‘I don’t care about her,’ he lied to himself. ‘I can just move on and in a few days I’ll be fine.’
Deciding that he needed something a bit stronger to take the edge off, he reached for the bottle of vodka stored in the liquor cabinet. Pouring a triple shot of the clear liquor and venturing to the couch, he tried to calm his nerves.
‘I can forget about her.’
He tipped back the glass and was instantly met with the burning sensation that cascaded down his throat and warmed his chest. Picking up the bottle, he poured himself another glass hoping that this one would help take his mind off you.
~
Twenty-six hours later and an empty jug of vodka was all it took for Chris to realize how badly he messed up. The throbbing pain rattling his head paled in comparison to the pain he felt when recalling the events that transpired the day prior. He couldn’t believe the words that escaped his mouth in the heat of the altercation, but he only had himself to blame.
Picking up the phone, he acknowledged the damage that was done to it when he was fueled by his anger the day before. Though his screen was broken and slightly chipped, he powered through in search of your contact. Pressing on your name and bringing the device to his ear. He sat there, praying that he could hear your voice but was disheartened when he suddenly heard the automated message of your answering machine. Immediately trying again and receiving the same fate was when he realized that you most likely blocked his number. Switching back and forth between social media sites and he saw that he was blocked from you on there as well.
He decided to try reaching out to your friends, but once he sent a message they went and blocked him as well.
Chris doesn’t know why he did what he did. Why did he decide to say such cruel statements to you? You didn’t deserve that, no one did. All you were asking for was respect, the bare minimum, and yet for some reason he thought it was too much.
Maybe that’s why his past relationships never worked out. He always expected women to work around him and his world, work around his wants and needs. Never caring how they felt, or stopping to think about how his selfish demeanor might affect them.
He knew you were rightfully hurt, but all he wanted to do was go to you and plead for your forgiveness. All you wanted was respect and to be able to love him without having to hide it. What he always told you was that the reason he wanted to keep the relationship private was to protect you, which was true. But he could now see that the so-called protection he had for you was what was causing the most strife.
Chris knew the best course of action was to give you some time, maybe in a few days you’d be open to a conversation.
Heading to the medicine cabinet, he took out two ibuprofen tablets and swallowed them down. He knew that with the turmoil that was berating his mind, he would probably think of a good enough apology for you in a clear state of mind. Laying his head against his pillow, he thought about you, and hoped that you would give him the chance to redeem himself.
~
It only took a few days of radio silence from the brunette for his family to reach out to visit him. Lisa walked into his Sudbury home and saw him on the couch, nursing a bottle of bourbon. Though Chris was drunk, he rambled on to his mother about what happened and luckily she made out the situation so that way he didn’t have to repeat himself. But he was not lucky when it came to her reaction.
All his life, Lisa had told him time and time again that he was special. Consistently showering him with love and affection, telling him that any woman would be lucky to have him. But in this very moment, all she felt was disappointment. A first for both of the Evans members. Even though she was madly frustrated with her eldest son, she could tell how much he was hurting. It was evident all around him how truly remorseful he was.
She went into the kitchen, making him a quick meal to try and lift his spirits but it only made him more despondent. He missed (Y/N)’s cooking. He missed the way she would always cook his favorite meals when he was down. So he cried. He shed tears of sorrow knowing that he messed up the greatest gift that was ever given to him.
The next few days that passed, the Evans family would stop by and try to lift his spirits. Remind him that you just needed some time, and that you would come around eventually. But once it was officially a full fourteen days since he last heard from you, he just became numb.
There was a dull ache in his heart. Every movement he made was a drag on his body. Dodger would regularly try to cuddle with him to cheer him up, but there was only so much the canine could do.
It had been 2 weeks since the spat and Chris was an absolute mess. His hair was matted, his untrimmed beard was becoming unruly. All he did day in and day out was try reaching out to you and drinking. He emptied out the entirety of his liquor cabinet, drinking til he saw the bottom of every bottle hoping that that would aid the gnawing pain in his heart.
That night he had a dream about you. It was about the first date you two had. At the beginning of the evening, you talked about your likes and dislikes. That’s when you went on a tangent about love letters. How they were a dying art form, how people back in the 50s and 60s would write back to their lovers during the war, to remind them of the love they still kept in their hearts for their other halves. He loved how passionate you got about the subject. Even though he thought it was just some words on a piece of paper, he could tell how much it meant to you.
When Chris woke up the next morning, he got out of bed, walked to his office and immediately knew what to do. He knew you probably never wanted to hear his voice again, but he hoped that maybe you might consider reading his words and see how truly sorry he was.
~
Dear (Y/N),
I know that right now you’re probably thinking about throwing this letter away, if I were in your shoes I’d do the same, but please hear me out. I don’t expect for you to forgive me, but I need you to know how sorry I am. It’s only been two weeks since I drove you out of my life and all I have been thinking of was how much I ruined my life by my words. But what I also ruined was your trust. You looked at me as if I was your entire world, but the last image I have of you in my head was a face full of despair.
Having these two weeks for me to be alone with my thoughts made me realize how much you mean to me. And I know I didn’t make it obvious before but you truly are the greatest gift that I have ever been graced with. I still remember to this day when I met you. I was stuck in my spot in your office when you looked at me. Love at first sight was something I never thought was imaginable until I met you. You make me a better man. You force me to come face to face with my wrongdoings. When I’m with you, I feel a sense of peace I never experienced before.
It reminds me of a moment we spent together, the time we went to the beach to watch the sunrise. You sat in between my legs, resting your head against my chest. The orange sphere peaked through the skyline. And we sat there, though no words needed to be exchanged. The morning breeze danced along our skin and though we both had a list of obligations that day, we enjoyed the little slice of heaven together at that moment. Then you looked up at me and god I felt my heart stop. The beams radiated across your eyes, your lips tugged up and you just looked at me with so much love in your eyes it scared me. It scared me with how much you trusted me. Also, it scared me because I didn’t want to lose you. And I know it doesn’t make any sense considering the fact that I pushed you away, but the reason I did was because you are too good for me. You’re too good for this world. The love you show anyone that comes into your life is mind-boggling. No one deserves to be loved by you because of how astonishing it is.
What I did when it came to flirting with other women is something that I wish I could take back. I wish I can take back the hurt I inflicted upon you. I never meant to make it seem as if you were unimportant to me. The truth is you are the best thing that ever happened to me. There’s not another woman on this planet that holds a candle to your beauty, to your intellect, to your everything.
I know I don’t deserve your forgiveness. I know I have said things that unfortunately you’ll probably remember forever. But if you give me the ability to rectify my wrongs, I will show you for the rest of my days how much you mean to me. You deserve to be loved out loud, while I constantly remind you how special you are to me and everyone around you. I am in love with you (Y/N), I was the moment I met you, and till right now as I write you this letter. Even if you don’t forgive me, nothing will change how I feel for you. You are my end all be all, my reason for being, my love.
- Chris
Signing the letter, he placed it in an envelope and wrote your name on the front. Getting in his car and driving over to your house, he was plagued with a whirlwind of emotions. He knew you wouldn’t open the door for him so he went up to your mailbox and deposited the envelope there. Chris stood there for a few moments, relishing in the fact that this is the closest he’s been near you in weeks. Begrudgingly, he got in his car and forced himself to drive away. When he returned to his house, he walked straight into his home and sat down on the floor with the brown and white pup. He sat there for what seemed for hours, Dodger nestled between his legs as he thought of you. Your radiating smile and infectious laugh eased him into a slumber.
~
It had been about three days since Chris since he delivered the letter to you. He was slowly losing all hope in having you back in his life. He knew he didn’t deserve you, but oh how he wanted to hear your voice just one more time.
It was around noon when a knock on his front door broke him out of his daydreams. Padding his way forward and opening the door, he wasn’t expecting for you to be standing there. Your hair was up in a ponytail, a few strays blowing in the wind. Chris then noticed the letter that he had written in your hand and hope started to blossom in his heart.
“So I got your letter,” you state looking deep into his eyes. “Can I come in?”
He knew he wouldn’t be able to form a sentence without it coming out as an incoherent mess, so he simply widened the door and gestured for you to enter.
He followed you inside of his home, where you seated yourself upon his couch. Dodger instantly joins you, licking all over your face. It was obvious that Chris wasn’t the only Evans that was missing your presence. Once you got the pup to calm down, you looked up at him.
Chris immediately crouched down, clutching onto your legs and resting his head in your lap, letting his emotions become free. You sensed that he was crying due to feeling his body shake and hearing his muffle sniffles. Even though his actions were rude and absolutely disgusting, you could tell by his confession in the letter how remorseful he was. You started to scratch the nape of his neck causing him to relax under your touch.
The two of you sat like that for what seemed like hours but in reality was only about 15 minutes. When Chris was able to calm himself, he looked up at you. “I’m so sorry sweetheart.” It was a simple statement, though you knew how much he truly meant those words.
“I know Chris, I know,” you reply, hand still caressing him. “Just don’t pull something like that again, alright.” There was a bit of light heartedness to your tone that had his heart swell. You were too good for him and he knew it.
“Never in a million years will I let myself lose you again.”
You ended up pulling Chris up to sit on the couch so you could rest against his chest. He pulled the two of you down to get more comfortable and that’s where the both of you stayed. You against his slender frame, cuddled against him. Your head tucked under his chin while his hand traced patterns alongside your back. Dodger laying at the end of the couch, near your feet, content that his parents were back together again.
At that very moment Chris made a vow to himself. He promised to never let his anger get the better of him when it came to you. He promised to always treat you with the same decency and respect that is given to him by you. And he promised to continue to love you like he could lose you at any moment. He was lost without you, now with you back in his arms there’s no other place he’d rather be.