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Five months.
That's all it took for Seungmin to irreplaceably fall for Lee Felix in ways he couldn't have possibly imagined. Five months – give it or take – was the duration necessary for him to be proclaiming love poems for the graceful boy in his head.
Not that he would ever voice them out loud.
Seungmin is quiet, reserved in his thoughts. He does introspection and mauls over ideas for as long as he can before he can have the courage to utter them out loud. And even when they come out, it's contained and carefully fabricated to fit tastes and the person he's directing them to. This process has been one he's developed over the years, with any type of relationship, since usually his thoughts were received with harm and/or distaste.
It shaped him to contain his emotions and desires inside. It crafted him thoroughly to be cautious around every individual that crossed his life, either it was a simple co-worker to whom he needed to vent about a work issue, or, in this case, his underwhelming feelings of affection towards his boyfriend.
Felix was quite the opposite. Blunt, direct, raw. He didn't hold back thoughts and gave them whenever necessary. The boy was truly an open book and that attracted Seungmin from the get-go. No insecurities were dwelling over attempts for him to read Felix's mind to understand what he had going on, because the boy was constantly willing to voice them out. His thoughts were crystal clear, worn on his sleeve, and something about that might've been the contributing factor for his explosive feelings.
And although he could discern, very obviously, that Felix was into him as much, it was still hard to break down his inhibitions and let himself be free of plaguing deep emotions. The sort that you hide under a rock and bury it on the ground.
Still, the feelings were there, if Felix's mouth on his neck was of any indication. The past couple of months have been quite heavy on the sexual side for them, something that Seungmin embraced with excitement. He's been in relationships before and it had evolved this side, but he had never felt as fulfilled and less dirty after those.
Some argue that was a problem, his therapist loved to debate that he should dig down onto those emotions but, like everything in his life, he digs it down, down, down.
It was different with Felix, therefore possibly, he discerns, the problem hadn't been with him after all. Felix's touches ground him and allow him to feel safe, erupt shivers down his body, the equivalent that he could sense right now. The boy was sucking a sharp mark on his collarbone, his hands exploring Seungmin's chest in so many points of contact, and although he's never had anyone mark his body like that, he appeared to be much into it.
That reflection betrayed him instantly, the recognition that this was something they haven't done yet, something he's never had yet, and fear swole in his chest involuntary for some reason.
Felix, like the good bean he is, noticed right away. "Is everything okay? Do you want me to stop?"
Seungmin wasn't going to cry. He had inadvertently spilled tears one time during sex and it had alarmed Felix a bit, he didn't want a repeat of that scene, considering how dependent they were on each other's emotional states already. (If one of them is blue, you can bet the other will gain the sentiment).
"No, no! I'm fine, it's just…" Stupid Seungmin , his brain yelled at him. But his boyfriend has stated before that he appreciated when Seungmin expressed his thoughts, then he reckoned there was no harm in trying. "I realized we haven't done this before."
Felix quirked his eyebrows. "Sex?"
"No, hm… this." He pointed at his collarbone quietly, where he could see a red mark blooming that would most definitely turn into purple.
"Marks?" Felix answered and regrettably, it seemed like he had destroyed the moment, because the boy sat on his thighs, a bit further away than he was before. "I'm sorry, you're right. I should've asked if it was okay."
He genuinely cherished how considerate his boyfriend was. "It's fine, I assure you! I liked it a lot, I mean it's new but it's… good, yeah. I made it awkward, didn't I?"
Felix laid both his hands on his chest before leaning in to peck him. He felt his whole body turn into jelly with the simple touch of lips but it was such a reassuring sign. "Of course not, love. You know, maybe it's a good idea for us to talk about it."
"About what?"
"What we like during sex!" Felix replied, his stare so intense and attention diverted all to him. "We've been dating for five months and we never actually discussed it." Seungmin wasn't knowledgeable that this was something they needed to consider, and Felix compels it to seem like it's a vital discussion, it confused him. Which is what he confessed to the other. After such, he appeared surprised. "Of course it is. I mean there's countless stuff we can discuss."
Seungmin felt overwhelmed for a whole bunch of other reasons. "Like what?"
"Like… you've topped me since the beginning of our relationship, is that what you prefer?" Felix asked as if the words didn't erupt a blush into Seungmin's face.
He wasn't a prude, didn't consider himself one, but the way his boyfriend tackled the subject was like he wasn't talking about sex in the first place. As if it was just as easy as discussing what kind of desserts he favored. "I-" He started, deciding to collect his thoughts, breaking out of his shelf to be vulnerable with his boyfriend. "I just assumed that's what you liked?"
"What do you mean?"
"Like-" He gulped. Why was he so nervous? "When we… first did it, you said you wanted me to fuck you. So I just… went along with it."
Felix quirked his eyebrow again. "Yeah, I mean. I like that but I don't mind switching around if you want, I'm pretty versatile."
And Seungmin wanted that. Sometimes he discovers himself thinking about how it would be, to have Felix open him up and work him out. The other could be bossy when he wanted and Seungmin hadn't realized that these two ideas linked in his desires, until now. Until Felix suggested that it would be okay.
"Why didn't you say anything earlier?" Felix asked, hands carefully treading Seungmin's hair. He savored the way, sometimes, his nails scratched his scalp, and particularly with a conversation like this and their close proximity, the touch was even more charged.
"Usually I just do whatever my boyfriends prefer, I guess."
"Well," Felix started; he seemed upset and disoriented, which was hurling Seungmin into a panic zone. "What you like it's important too! I want to make you feel good. Have your previous boyfriends ever asked you what you liked?"
He shook his head, a lump in his throat. How did this conversation become so emotional all of a sudden?
Felix continued, with equal ferocity. "Then they were all jerks. Sex is supposed to be fun and exciting, it's not a chore you have to fulfill to earn boyfriend duties."
Seungmin felt like crying again, mostly angry at himself for allowing these to drop on Felix when they were having a pleasant time together. "I'm sorry."
"Don't be sorry, love," Felix reassured him. "I think it's good we talk openly about this. C'mon, tell me, what else do you like? I'm not fazed by much actually."
He ached to be honest and open, wanted to give Felix what he was urging since his boyfriend was so understanding and patient at all times, but it was troublesome to contemplate things he had never thought before.
He acknowledged people had various preferences for sex and sexual activities and he wasn't completely innocent about it but he had never considered those things applying to himself, actually getting an opportunity to experience some of his fantasies.
"You're blushing like a madman." Felix giggled, his hands roaming through Seungmin's naked chest – he's forgotten that his shirt had been discarded earlier. "Got you thinking?"
"A bit, yeah." He laughed this time, a dopey smile invading his features as he placed his hands on Felix's beautiful tiny waist. The boy had a petite frame, smooth to involve with his big hands. I loved the size difference between them. "I've never thought about this in-depth, so I really don't know what I like. What if… what if I'm into crazy stuff?"
Felix laughed loudly this time, his eyes crinkling with the gesture. He felt warm with the reaction. "That's not a problem. I'm into some stuff people might think it's on the harder side."
Oh… That's, yeah. Wow.
Why was his mind betraying him now?
Why did he pop a boner at the words?
Felix unmistakably sensed that. "What if we sleep on this for a bit? You can think about stuff you like and I'll gather some of my preferences and we'll discuss what we are willing or not willing to try. How does that sound?"
I love you . He thought, a warm sensation spreading in his entire body as he felt grateful for this stunning angel to have crossed his path and graced him with his excellence and compassion. He was thoroughly whipped for this man, with a lack of better terms.
Thus, he nodded. "That sounds good, yeah."
"In the meantime…" Felix smirked, his hand moving down his chest, painstakingly slow before reaching the tent in his sweatpants and cupping it. "Maybe I can take care of this?"
Seungmin often lost words when it came to these scenarios, and notably, following the loaded conversation, after Felix had implied that he didn't mind taking control, the feeling grew prevalent.
He nodded, but evidently, it wasn't enough because Felix pressed forcefully again, the tight and uncomfortable sensation making him moan. "Use your words, love."
"Yeah." He whispered. Then added, without much thinking " Please ."
Felix took a deep breath as if such a simple word had affected him. "God, okay…" They both giggled, their skin colored crimson with the blushes. Felix seemed particularly attractive with the blush adorning his freckled cheeks.
He worked on pulling Seungmin's sweatpants off, alongside his briefs. He hadn't realized how turned on the conversation before had made him, tortuously fired already with the idea of allowing their relationship to evolve into another level.
He gasped the moment Felix’s small hand touched his dick, and he would say it was embarrassing if the visual itself wasn't clouding his judgment. He didn't apprehend, until then, how much he enjoyed the way Felix's small hands were so contrasting in every place of his body.
Was that a weird thing to enjoy?
He didn't have time to think about it, not when Felix was moving his hand slowly while sucking a mark on the other side of his neck. "I forgot to ask…" Felix muttered into his skin, shivers erupting in his body with the warmth of the words. "Marks okay?"
Seungmin signaled frantically, pretty ashamed for getting so worked out with a handjob and some biting. But Felix was just as keen as him as if the conversation before erupted something else in them.
Felix used his thumb to drag the precum from his head, down the whole cock, slowly as he could, raising the friction in between his hand and the dick. Seungmin could feel his breath caught when Felix started to tighten the grip, move a bit faster, teasing him relentlessly.
Handjobs were nice, he's done that to himself before. Then again, he's never had Felix do it for him, as surprising as that sounded, and he couldn't take his eyes off the movement.
Also couldn't help the words leaving his mouth. "Your hand can barely hold it all."
Felix smirked at the words, suddenly moving more rapidly and bringing his palm to cup over the head. His breath hitched when Felix whispered into his ear: "But you're into that aren't you? I've noticed."
Seungmin answered by bringing their mouths together, completely in bliss with the sensations erupting in his body with all the points of contact.
He couldn't help the moans as Felix pumped his hand harder, circling his palm and kissing him endlessly and sloppily. It was pleasant and unmistakably contrasting, loaded with something else.
It didn't take long until he cummed, breathing unevenly as he rode on his climax. "Fuck."
Felix laughs, his voice deeper as it usually gets in these situations before peering down at his own sweatpants and noticing the wet spot. Seungmin felt terrible. "God, I'm so sorry. I didn't help you."
"No worries baby," Felix responded. "I can't believe I came in my pants untouched, it's been a while since that happened."
Seungmin blushed. He hadn't remarked until now that his clothes had been discarded, while Felix remained fully clothed. There was a different type of intimacy and another level of desire to have this happen; Seungmin liked it. "Guess we both had a lot of this pent on uh?"
Felix grinned. "Guess so." He leaned to kiss him, heavy now, a different kind of intense but passionate nonetheless. "Let's clean up, you can stay here tonight if you want?"
"Breakfast in the morning?" Seungmin suggested, feeling blissed with the way Felix combed his hair and nodded brightly.
"Of course my love." And after cleaning up and drinking some water, they fell asleep tangled together, with Felix dropping his leg on top of Seungmin's as he held onto his waist and grew lulled to sleep with thoughts of how much he loves his boyfriend.
☆
Seungmin thinks about it. He wonders about all the love he has condensed for Felix, ways to relieve those emotions. Just another common thought for him.
What wasn't an everyday concept was the scenarios crossing his mind about his newfound shamelessness about his sexual fantasies. Something positively unlocked on him that night, a desire of exploration he didn't even discern he hid. He believed Felix was providing him space to examine his options, but his boyfriend's own words lingered in his mind.
I'm into some stuff people might think it's on the harder side.
What did Felix like to do in bed? He had no idea what he would regard as the hard side of these situations, but the question floating in his brain wasn't even dwelling on what those were. In fact, his concern was that he wouldn't be competent to rise up to the standards of what his boyfriend desired.
Last week, in the office, he overheard his co-worker reveal that the reason why his marriage went down was that he was incompatible with his ex-wife. At the time, Seungmin wondered about how many of his relationships have fallen short for the same reasons. Until now, he hadn't had a reason to assume that this could be the same for him and Felix.
But now, he thought, what if it was? What if Felix required something he couldn't be? Would the other dump him?
He knew he wouldn't go that far; Felix was tender and patient, which was even worse. He wasn't sure if he could handle a soft blow to their relationship, especially after he felt his own heart explode with love for the other boy.
"Is something wrong, love?" Felix asked. It was Friday night, and he had a long shift at work. But his boyfriend showed up to pick him up and surprise him with a walk alongside the river.
The chilly night didn't deteriorate the thoughts in Seungmin's mind, who frequently encounters himself in this situation where Felix queries what is wrong with him. Honestly, Seungmin wishes he knew what his problem was.
"Nothing is wrong."
Felix stopped them in their tracks. The lights from the streetlamps illuminated the walk in the early evening, couples and families strolling together alongside the bridge and chilling around. Felix brought his hands to circle Seungmin's middle, before bringing them close and tiptoeing to kiss Seungmin's nose.
"Tell me what's bothering that pretty head of yours?" Felix attempted again, honey smile and gleaming eyes. He was almost as beautiful as the night evolving them.
Seungmin ached to delay this conversation the most he could, and possibly in public wasn't the best option, but he's been aspiring to break these walls with the boy. "I've been thinking about what you said. The other night." He added when Felix curled his eyebrows in confusion.
Then recognition must've settled in his mind when he chuckled, looking down almost shyly. "In public, really?"
Now it was Seungmin's time to blush. "You asked!"
"You're right." Felix snickered, staring back into Seungmin's eyes as if he's shaken the shyness already. "If you're thinking about it, then why does it appear like you're anxious about it?"
He gulped. "I was just wondering… how maybe… hm… Maybe I won't be what you want me to be? Or I won't be able to…" He coughed, feeling his ears heat up. "To perform or something."
Felix had a slight pout to his face, but his tightness on Seungmin's middle was still there, grounding, loving. "You don't even know what I like yet, how can you know what you have to be?" Seungmin was about to respond, but Felix continued. "Besides! I've told you, sex is supposed to be fun for both of us. If you don't like something I want, then we don't have to do it at all. And it works both ways. you know?"
He didn't know what to say. Didn't understand why he was so hesitant to address this when it came to his boyfriend: his sweet, understanding, and tender boyfriend. "I'm sorry."
"You keep apologizing," Felix noted, tiptoeing again to kiss Seungmin's nose again. "There's nothing to apologize for. You're doing fine."
"I was about to have a breakdown about sex in public, I don't know if that counts as fine." Seungmin attempted to joke, but he felt Felix's hands come and cup his face before he pecked his lips.
Then he added, "What if we write it down and finally talk about it?"
"Write what down?" Seungmin wondered.
Felix smiled. "What I like during sex and what you like. And we talk about it, without any shame, all out in the open?"
"Pun-intended?"
Felix laughed. But he agreed with the proposition, not expecting it to become their new Friday night plans. His living room converted to their makeshift battleground for the conversation, Seungmin hadn't even taken off his suit pants and shirt yet, only loosening his tie a bit.
"You can ask anything you don't know about, deal?" Felix asks after he's picked his tablet and opened the note app. It felt a little self-conscious to lay it all down, open and with no hindrances, but maybe it would also be cathartic to let go of his insecurities.
So he nodded. Felix beamed, sitting in front of him on the coffee table. "Okay, let's write down the things we might be up to doing."
"Doesn't this feel a bit… weird?" Seungmin asked, rubbing his neck lightly, still astonished that they were going to go further with it.
But the other was not concerned, it appears. "Don't think so. I think it will most benefit you since you get in that pretty head of yours so much. That way it can serve as a… preliminary guide."
"Okay, yeah." He breathed in relief. Felix's reassurance constantly works. "You're right. Where do we start?"
"I was thinking maybe putting down some stuff I think you might like," Felix admitted. He seemed barely fazed by the issue at hand, a direct contrast to Seungmin's restless image. "I've noticed that you always keep something in your mouth."
Seungmin nearly choked with the comment, rapidly taking the pen he was previously chewing on out of his mouth. Felix merely laughed. "It's not a bad thing! In fact, I think you might have an oral fixation."
Seungmin promised Felix he wouldn't get ashamed by the topics they would discuss, but that didn't stop the blush from evading his neck. "Now that you say that… Remember that one time I blew you in Chan's bathroom?"
Felix chuckled. That had happened during one of Chan's infamous gatherings, the first time Felix took his boyfriend to one. Seungmin had been nervous to meet his friends and socialize, but a few drinks in and they found themselves locked in the bathroom like hormonal teenagers. "You looked very hot on your knees for me."
" God." Seungmin breathed out, before continuing. "I… it's a bit weird to admit but I think about it more times than I should've."
"Why didn't you say anything?" Felix asked. "I think it's nice that my little Seungmin can't keep things out of his mouth…"
Seungmin fussed, hiding his face in his hands. "Please don't flirt with me while we have a conversation about blow jobs."
He chuckled but his tone was endearing. "Fine, fine. What about eating me out?"
No matter how embarrassing the thought had been, Seungmin didn't hesitate in his answer. "Absolutely."
This time the boy didn't contain his loud laugh, proceeding to write down oral!!!! on the notes apps. Somehow it was kind of adorable to see the enthusiasm. "Okay, that's good. Glad to see you're so into the idea."
They resumed the banter back and forth, discussing the things that Seungmin might be interested in. It feels like ripping a bandaid gradually and achingly, unraveling layers and layers of himself he didn't expect to be dug up.
In the end, his list had the following written down oral!!!!, bottoming, cum play, marks, praise. The last one was slightly embarrassing for him, as Felix simply wrote it down. "I don't know about praise… I don't know if it fits me."
Felix giggled. "Seriously? You practically melt with the pet names!" The boy sought to argue as he shook his head in disbelief. Then he attempted another strategy. "So you're telling me if I started to tell you how much of a good boy you are for being here and discussing this all with me, it wouldn't feel a damn thing?"
He wanted so badly for the words not to affect him, to not be betrayed by his hormones but his body shivered at the words. Felix's smirk announced to him that he recognized the effect the words had. "Fine! Still, good boy? Should I start acting like a dog as well?"
It was meant to be a joke, diffusing the tension that his own body was creating, but Felix froze in his spot and zoned out for quite a bit. Seungmin gulped. "Really? Is that even… a thing?"
"I m-mean!" Felix stuttered, which was a new look on him. A terrifying one as well, his boyfriend was the only one keeping his composure in this whole talk thing, if he loses it now, Seungmin knows it's the end for him and his horny sexual fantasies. "The visual is kind of nice…"
Seungmin gulped. "Like… dog ears?"
Felix's freckles painted a deep shade at the words, which was amusing and, quite honestly, a feat for Seungmin; there wasn't a lot that fazed his boyfriend. "Maybe a tail as well and a collar?" He questioned timidly.
Seungmin was stupefied. Not much by the idea (in fact, when he mentioned the collar he felt something pool on his stomach) but definitely with the way, Felix reacted to the visual. "You sure are into that uh?"
"Well… it's an idea. What do you think?" Felix shyly wondered. "You don't have to agree just because I think you might look cute with dog ears as I fuck you."
Seungmin giggled. He loved Felix so much, crazy how this feeling could manifest so strongly even when they were discussing kinks. "Should I bark?"
"Maybe." Felix attempted as a reply, which prompted a laugh from both of them and an added dog (?) into the list.
Seungmin was stunned in himself by how desensitized he was of the topics already. From early in the day and his doubts over being enough for his boyfriend, to his renewed courage to pronounce the next words: "What about you?"
Felix raised his eyebrows, acting coy out of a sudden as if he didn't understand the question. Seungmin was beginning to see a new side of his partner he genuinely appreciated. "What do you mean?" The other asked, overly exaggerating his confusion.
He's pushing your buttons, Seungmin thought. And like a fool, he engaged in the game. "What do you like?"
He smirked, leaning over the coffee table dangerously into his area. With their faces centimeters apart, Seungmin could almost feel their breath mingling with one another. The charged conversations they've been having, clouding his minds with possibilities and scenarios, turned him on more than he expected. "I like you."
Seungmin blushed. He felt like an inexperienced teenager with a crush for the first time, except this crush was a full-blown love and adoration for the boy in front of him. Which was ridiculous, because the flirty implications behind Felix's words intended to be hinting at something else.
He took a deep breath. "I mean it! We've gone through mine, let's do yours now!"
This time, Felix took a step back, blushing hard. He could feel something throbbing in his pants, but, they had started this already and he was down to go all the way until the end. The whole point had been to battle his insecurities and make sure he could do what Felix liked. But so far, he didn't acknowledge anything about his boyfriend except he seemed enthusiastic to fulfill whatever Seungmin had buried deep in his desires.
Funnily enough, the boy appeared bashful and reserved about the topic. But Felix had fewer qualms in allowing his walls to break, so he caved easily. "Okay, fine. It's just funny, I have never… disclosed this to anyone before."
He could almost feel his eyes bug out of his face. "Wait really?"
"You sound surprised." Felix giggled, but he didn't sound bitter or annoyed, just delighted.
"It's just that… you're more open about these issues than I am and I have never seen you with taboos or shame. In fact, weren't you the one who told me that an open mind and an open mouth will do wonders to you?"
Felix grinned widely at that. Seungmin couldn't even concentrate on the topic when Felix had such a beautiful smile plastered on his face. "I never wanted my partners to be grossed out by me, or anything."
"Well…" Seungmin started, understanding where his boyfriend was coming from and attempting to formulate the best way to reassure him. How the tables have turned that night. "I could never be grossed out by you. It's like you said, we don't have to do anything we aren't comfortable with but it still doesn't give me the right to shame you."
The boy nodded. "I know you won't. You're extraordinary." And with that thought, he wrote down some stuff before turning the screen towards Seungmin. "If you don't understand anything, just ask me."
He grabs the tablet in his hands, Felix's neat handwriting spelling down: bondage, exhibitionism, edging, lingerie. He felt his breath hitch. Before he could consider any of the other options, it felt right to establish an immediate boundary. "Just so I'm clear, hm… Not exhibitionism. I don't think I could handle that.
He didn't want to offend Felix or make the other mad in any way. Thankfully, the boy didn't appear so; he even smiled. "Of course. I figured you wouldn't want to do that anyway, just thought I would write it down."
"Yeah, and I'm glad you told me!" Seungmin continued, not able to shake the feeling that he was putting the mood down. "It's just, I get so shy already? With just the both of us… I wouldn't be able to enjoy anything in public."
Felix extended his hand on the table, holding Seungmin's and lacing their fingers. It was grounding. "You don't need to justify it, love. I would never get angry or annoyed at you. In fact, you can deny everything on my list and just go back to have vanilla sex for the rest of our lives, I would still want to be with you."
For the rest of our lives.
He loved him. "That made me feel better." He sprang, relishing on the way Felix beamed so fondly at him. He couldn't believe how lucky he had been to sit there and have the boy in his presence. "But, not everything is off the table."
Felix gulped. "It's not?"
He could feel his whole chest rumble with the words swimming in his brain. "I think you would look really nice with lingerie. You would look even prettier than you already are."
Felix giggled, not able to maintain their eye contact. Seungmin suddenly felt uncomfortable in his pants. "I actually own some? I like to dress up and feel pretty sometimes."
That sparked his interest. "Really? Holy shit , I think seeing you in it would kill me." The words spilled before he had any control over what he said.
Yet again, Felix purely resembled amused with the words. "I'll keep that in mind then."
He was however curious about some other words in Felix's list, so he coughed before continuing. "What does edging mean? I don't think I understand…"
Felix took a deep breath. "It's like… I would stop you from reaching your orgasm right when you're about to have one, over and over. Supposedly, when you finally get to do it, it will be amazing."
Seungmin allowed the words to sink in. He has never imagined something of sorts had a name to it, let alone whole practices, but he could see the appeal of it. Now that their dynamics were shifting, he was opening himself to new possibilities that he hadn't before. He was into it. "I think that could be fun? As long as you're not mean to me."
"I could never. I don't really like humiliation and stuff like that." Felix explains."It's one of my boundaries in these things."
"Okay, good!" He felt a bit more relieved. "Mine too I think. I prefer when you're nice to me."
Felix smirked. "What did I say about the praise? I knew it." He blushed. Felix knew him rather well, it was impressive. "What about… bondage? It doesn't have to be something too elaborate, I just really like the idea of tying you down. And sometimes being tied up."
"I'll be down to… trying as well? I really just don't know if I would like it or not."
"That's fine!" Felix jumped to continue. "We can establish safe words and even a color system. Like green means okay, you're safe to continue, yellow means slow down and red means stop, and at that, we immediately stop whatever we're doing?"
That backed him with his questions and doubts. He nodded enthusiastically, smiling. "Okay, that's perfect. I really like that."
Felix laughed. "Okay, that's good! Besides we don't have to… always do something like this during sex! We can continue to do what we were doing, I liked that as well and it felt good. Sometimes we can try these, for fun. And even do more research."
Those words made the click in his brain. He enjoyed having more information on what he did, in every area of his life, so he could see himself searching these topics later on eventually. To think that Felix was eager to do the same was endearing and calming. "We can do it together right?"
"Yeah, we should!" His boyfriend said, shoving the table to the side and plopping himself on Seungmin's lap. He immediately grabbed onto his waist, love swelling in his chest. "Consider this a… couple's hobby? We were looking for one anyway."
"I like that. I feel less… troubled now." Seungmin divulged, bringing his right hand to comb Felix's hair off his face and tucking the strands behind his ear. "The talking helped but it also helps that you're so easy to discuss these things."
Felix pecked him casually, smiling briefly into the kiss before replying. "Believe it or not, I was nervous as well to talk to you about it. But I kept thinking, it's Seungmin, he's the kindest person you know. And I was right, I had nothing to worry about with you."
I love you. But he didn't say, instead, he brought Felix close and kissed him harder, not holding back with everything he had condensed that night with their talk. It was inevitable that after such a heavy conversation on sex, he had quite some emotions pent up, and, clearly, so did Felix.
Sitting there, on the floor of his living room, with Felix on his lap kissing him like there was no tomorrow, he felt incredible. He's been in relationships before, but none have risen to the stakes that this one has, and he didn't think he would find someone else better than Felix to share any of this with.
Their kiss grew heated, clear by the way Felix lightly grinds on top of him, moaning into the kiss as his hands travel from Seungmin's nape, down his chest, and into his pants. God, he's so hard already with a few kissing, emotions he hasn't felt before pooling in his chest.
Before they can do anything, he ruins it. Because of course, he does. "Baby…" He whispers, and he might've to sound unsure because Felix immediately removes his eyes and looks on his eye. "I'm sorry, I just haven't taken a shower since I got off work and I feel kind of bad for that."
Such a stupid thing that he brought up, he conjectured, but the whole point of their arrangement was to feel good about themselves and Seungmin doesn't think he would with the reminder that he hasn't even taken off his work clothes yet.
Thankfully for him, Felix nods, getting up from his lap. Except when he opens his mouth, there's something that he didn't anticipate hearing: "What if we move this to the bathroom then?"
And that seemed like an ideal solution in his ear. It was funny to see how both paced so fast towards the room, Felix effectively launching himself towards Seungmin before he could reach and open the door. It was new territory to be so eager to feel each other, his body itching with anticipation.
Felix kisses him deeply, as his hands work on removing his tie and unbuttoning his shirt. His own hands travel through his boyfriend's petite body, reaching the hem of his shirt and pulling it out. He's seen Felix naked quite a few times, but it never surprises him how beautifully and ethereal built he is; his freckles spread throughout his shoulders and chest, and he possesses these amazing sculpted abs that Seungmin still can't believe he gets to feel and look at.
When Felix is done with his shirt, he discards it to the ground swiftly before moving to remove his pants and briefs. It's not until he's kissing him again, both of them naked against one another and tasting each other so deeply that Felix speaks again, a low deep thing close to his ears: "Should I get some condoms and lube from your room?"
He can't help but giggle. "I have some here as well."
Felix quirks his eyebrows, but he looks delighted with the news. He marches towards the glass shower and turns on the water, the sounds of it hitting the tiles reminding Seungmin of what was about to happen. It's so new to walk towards his boyfriend here, the short enclosed space not giving them many options but to get even closer, kiss once again, Felix's fingers digging into his waist with the strength of his hold.
It was intoxicating. Even more so when he lets his fingers travel towards his dick. "I could do this but I was thinking… maybe you can finally get what you dreamed of? How does me opening you up and fucking you sounds?"
Seungmin effectively moans at the words. Having Felix speak to him like this, with his voice dropping to a sensual and even lower tone driving him insane. He nods frantically, enjoying the way Felix whispers in his ear for him to use his words. "Yes. Please . "
Felix grasps with the word, searing his enthusiasm with a bruising kiss. "I really like when you beg." He coats his fingers with the bottle of lube he had taken off the cabinet early and asks one last time if that's what he wants before Seungmin nods eagerly once again and let's another please slip off his mouth.
That seems to do the trick, and once he feels Felix’s fingers ghost at his hole, he grasps. His boyfriend dares to laugh before slipping a finger inside, slowly as one could, both of them breathing in with the new sensations.
Seungmin didn't know what was doing the most for him; either the way Felix worked him so painfully slow, finger curling and twisting inside of him in a crazy rhythm or the sounds of the water splashing from the shower around them, a reminder that this was a completely new place for him, a fresh arousing scenario he wasn't going to be capable to stop imagining.
A reminder that he was savoring this quite a lot. He previously knew Felix's fingers would be small but, if anything, that only made him get more worked up, witnessing the other make an extra effort to please him the best he could. He really got a thing for their size difference, in any scenario.
The pacing was maddening, the way he worked him out as he placed another finger, continuing to work him out slowly as one could and kissing him still with the same enthusiasm. It's insane how Felix knows him so well without them doing this before, feeling himself reach an edge much quicker than he anticipated.
When Felix touches that sweet spot, at the perfect angle, massaging it with his fingers in slow circles, he almost sees white. He gasps at the sensation, resting his head behind on the shower wall, desperate for something else. "I really am going to need you to fuck me now or I'll come."
Felix giggled. He always enjoyed how giddy the other got during sex, one of the things that made it with his boyfriend a fantastic experience like none other he has had before. "Maybe we can go for round two."
"I will literally pass out." Seungmin answers truthfully, his mouth-to-brain filter completely blown away already just with Felix's fingers.
He breathes out with the loss of Felix's fingers before he feels the boy spin him around, gently, and pressed against the wall of the shower. The cold sensation in contrast with the heat spreading off his body is almost too good for him to handle until he feels Felix caging him. "Is this okay?"
"More than okay." He manages to breathe out, surprised that his brain still can pronounce anything coherent at this point.
And if this is what he was missing, he wished he dared to ask early. Felix being pressed against him, angling him just right and slowly pushing his way into him as he wetly kissed his neck from behind, his beautiful lips grazing and drawing a trail; it's infuriatingly hot, despite the coldness of the shower wall. He is significantly smaller, he was aware, but still fills and stretches him up in a delicious way.
He moans as Felix builds up his pace, hitting all the sweet spots with an ease he hadn't experienced before. His body is practically shaking with the movement, Felix's fucking him so well and taking such good care of him.
"Oh fuck ." He mumbles. There's a build of arousal in his whole body, especially accentuated when Felix's fingers stop digging bruises in his waist with the intensity of the grip and move on to his neglected cock. It's all too much: the touches, the sweet noises Felix is letting out, signaling that he too it's getting close to the edge.
The position they're in doesn't help Seungmin's mind from running wild. He wonders what Felix looks like right now, the effort he might be doing. Somehow it thrills him, even more, to imagine it, committing the mistake to look down and watch how Felix's small hand barely evolves his dick. Seungmin gasps, feeling goosebumps erupting in his whole body.
Felix pants, resting his head on Seungmin's shoulder pads, the next thrust somehow finding the perfect angle that supplies Seungmin with pleasure. He cries, trying to hold onto somewhere, finding himself pressed further into the wall and incapable to grab anything, almost screeching with the way his nails rasp on the wall.
"You're so good for me," Felix says, suddenly, voice lower than he had ever heard the other go. "Taking me so well, doing so well my love."
He cums without a warning, Felix follows through, propelled by the intensity of Seungmin's sounds. The praise caught him offhand, his brain fogged with the words still swimming around. He feels slightly weaker, but Felix turns him around and pushes him down for a bruising kiss.
"I told you about the praise," Felix smirked into the kiss, hands traveling to his scalp and mauling his lips with the kiss.
"Whatever." Seungmin smiled, his heart full of warmth and love. "We should do this more often. I-" He tumbles in his words for a bit. "I really like when you fuck me."
Felix blinks at him, before another smile plasters on his face. "I'll keep that in mind, love."
They end up taking an actual shower, Seungmin having the time of his life washing Felix's (surprisingly) soft hair and not wasting any opportunity to kiss some of his freckles. After their skin cried for help for being under the water for so long, they got dressed in Seungmin's pajamas – which looked hilariously big on Felix, yet endearing. The rest of the night ended up with them snuggled on the couch, in each other's arms, and digging into their fourth cup of noodles.
"Does sex make you this hungry?" Felix asks, feeding some to Seungmin, who appeared to be prepared to devour another cup.
He shrugged. "Hey, you tired me up! Now deal with this."
"Excuse me, I did all the work!" Felix scoffed but he sounded pleased with the banter, leaning behind to snuggle even closer to his boyfriend, dropping a featherlight greasy kiss into his neck. It was domestic and sweet and Seungmin loved him so much.
☆
Within the next months, their power dynamics shift considerably. Seungmin welcomes the change with an open mind since it’s been years since he’s been in that position. He didn’t acknowledge what it was about him that made his partners predict he would want to have the upper hand during sex but, for his past relationships, it was always like this.
It comes constantly as a surprise when Felix actively seeks his way out to take care of him. It also heats him up with adoration how much his boyfriend doesn’t appear modest to drop sweet nothings on him at any given moment: in the bedroom, for sure, but also commemorates when he does something right, constant reassurance that he’s doing so great to the list of pet names he has in store for him. His beloved one has to be when Felix calls him my love. There’s a layer of depth in that sentence alone that ignites his bones with metaphorical flames with the excitement unequaled.
If anything, this adoration Felix has for him and his lack of shame to express him gets him wondering about his position in the relationship. Even if the switch in dynamics doesn’t affect their emotional relationship, it doesn’t help that Seungmin’s brain is constantly rattled with insecurities.
And of course, Felix regards it. His boyfriend examines him in the palm of his hands like he’s just another music sheet Felix regularly works on. In ordinary situations, Seungmin would chew on the situation for as long as he could, eventually getting buried with another list of hazards before something trigger it to the surface again.
Felix, on the other hand, bets on communication to make their relationship work. At a particular time, during dinner at his place, he nudges his feet. “What’s wrong?” He doesn’t want to unload the weight of emotional baggage onto his sweet boyfriend, but the shrug he gives in return doesn’t convince the other. “I really don’t like when you hide your emotions like that, I know you’ve been on the line for weeks.”
The tone was grave, a bit terrifying, and Seungmin didn’t want this to evolve into a fight because of his dumb thoughts and oversensitivity. “I’m sorry, I just don’t want to upset you.”
“Did I do something wrong? Or push you to do something you didn’t want to?”
He almost choked on his food with the question, jumping to mend the situation. “No! God no, it’s not you. It’s just me being an idiot.”
“Hey, be careful who you’re insulting, that’s my boyfriend you’re talking about.” Felix was trying to light up the mood, and it worked, if the smile creeping in his face was any indication to go by. “Talk to me, please?”
He took a deep breath. “Sometimes I wonder if… I’m good enough for you.” Felix drops his fork immediately like he’s ready to argue back. “Before you say anything, I know this is all in my head reasonably and I’m not fishing for compliments. It’s just, you’re always so sweet with me, and you plan everything and make sure I’m comfortable and I just wish I could do more. Be more.”
Felix looks sympathetically at him before extending his hand for Seungmin to hold. “This is not a competition. Dating, everything we do, we are not trying to one-up each other for the title of the best boyfriend.”
Seungmin swallows dryly but Felix goes on anyway. “And you’re better than you think. I mean, how many people in the world can I find that spent over an hour with me watching porn to figure out if I’m into crazy sex stuff.”
“It’s not crazy,” Seungmin interjects.
“Exactly, you never think anything I suggest is absurd. You listen to me, you research about stuff I like - either in bed or not - and you care. I never knew until I met you how difficult it was to find someone who cares this much. For so long, I thought having a boyfriend was just going on dates sometimes, and getting gifts for one another and make out. But you’re not just someone I occasionally spend time with, you’re the person I trust the most in the world. When I’m in a bad situation or a bad place, solely thinking of you makes me feel better.”
I love you, he almost says, but there’s a knot in his throat and some tears pooling in his eyes before he can spill it. “You’re my favorite person in the world.”
Felix smiles sheepishly. “There’s something else bothering you. Tell me, love, I want to understand and help you.”
He’s crying again. Why does he always get emotional this easily? “You’re not… disappointed in me when we have sex right?”
Felix quirks his eyebrows, confusion drawn in his features. “Of course not! Why would I be?”
Because everyone I’ve been with has. He knew it. His ex-boyfriend didn’t downright say those words to his face but he felt it towards the end of their relationship, how he avoided him more and more in bed, until a point where he stopped seeking it out, feeling dirty just with the idea of trying. That’s why the dynamic shift in his relationship with Felix alarmed him so much, afraid to not giving the other what he craved or desired. Even if they haven’t engaged in anything they had talked about a few months ago.
His boyfriend realized it a few minutes after. “Has anyone ever made you feel like that?” Seungmin nodded, not able to hold eye contact with Felix. He couldn’t believe he had brought this up. “Oh, Seungmin… you most definitely are not a disappointment to me, especially not when we have sex. I have never been more compatible with someone!”
He hiccuped. “Really?”
“Really,” Felix reassured, getting up from his chair to wrapping his arms around Seungmin’s shoulders from behind. His chin came to rest on his shoulder and he leaned into the touch. “People often think, because I look a certain way and act a certain way that I don’t like being in control. And they’ve taken advantage of that before. As I say, I’m pretty versatile, so if anything, it makes me extremely satisfied when I get to do that for you, and if I’m not wrong you like it.”
“I do,” Seungmin answers pitifully, his hands coming to hold Felix’s on his chest. “I guess I just want to make sure I’m good for you because I appreciate all you do to me.”
“You’re so good, my love . You’re so much more than I could’ve asked for and I want you to be comfortable with me above everything else.”
He smiled, adapting his position to peck Felix’s cheek. “I am. I just get in my head a lot, about relationships and everything that comes with the package and I don’t want to freak you out.”
“You could never.” Felix chirps happily. “It’s important to me that you trust me this much to talk about things. Whatever it is.”
He’s no longer emotionally drained from the conversation like a weight has been lifted off his shoulders. With that in mind, he pulls Felix into his lap and kisses him. “We’re good right?”
Felix wraps his arms around his neck and pulls him for another searing kiss. “More than good.”
The I love you is left unspoken.
☆
He should've known he would fall this hard for Felix on their first date. Looking back, it had been so obvious.
The last relationship supplied him with enough heartbreak to be careful ongoing into others at the time. It hadn't even been a bad breakup, more civil than some he had before, but it was a sharp reminder that he was all alone. Because he spent so much time perfecting and maneuvering around the relationship, his personal affairs such as friendships and others had drifted apart.
His co-worker Hyunjin had suggested a dating app. Then, after weeks of ruminating on the idea, he created a profile with not a lot of expectations and intent. And he had been right, some of the conversations he sustained didn't do anything for him, neither emotionally nor physically.
In their defense, he kept playing safe, swiping right on people he deemed attainable and not out of his league. Maybe it was superficial to play like that, but there were a lot of fears he had with dating even then.
Which was exactly why he almost had a panic attack when he swiped right accidentally on the prettiest guy he had ever seen. His name was Lee Felix and, in all the pictures displayed in his profile, there wasn't a single one he didn't look absolutely ethereal; He kept smiling involuntarily going through his pictures before he recognized he had exited the section and swiped right on the guy. Hyunjin reassured him the next day that he didn't have to worry unless the other guy swiped right and they matched.
Which is exactly what happened.
Lee Felix
hey!!!
has anyone ever told you you look like a cute golden retriever? as a compliment of course ^-^
He almost choked on his drink when he noticed the message. Seungmin posted some of his favorite pictures with his sister's dog, which happened to be the breed the boy mentioned. He didn't understand if the guy was flirting or making fun of him.
Kim Seungmin
no one has ever told me that.
weird way of flirting aha
Lee Felix
I'm clearly a funny guy!!
but seriously you're super cute <3
Seungmin smiled shyly at the compliment, and that had been the origin story. They continued texting since then, a lot lighter but Felix was shameless about the compliments and the flirting and Seungmin knew how to indulge it through text.
When Felix suggested a meeting for a date, that's when the fear arrived again. He wasn't sure he couldn't transport that personality in person with such a cute and interesting person. But he also didn't want to be the guy who left him hanging, especially after such excellent weeks of conversation.
So, he swallowed his panic, fronted a personality he carefully crafted for that night only, and opened the door to the restaurant they agreed to meet up at. He promptly discerned Felix sitting by the window like he was a magnet, and Seungmin was attracted to his pole only. He coughed to get the other boy's attention and when their eyes met Seungmin swore he felt his knees crumble.
"H-Hi?" He mumbled, cursing himself for letting the facade decay like that. But Felix smiled, wide and bright, and even got up to hug him. He stood there, like an idiot, for a lack of a better term, surprised by the other's beauty in person.
He's so out of your league, his brain screamed, piercing through any other thoughts clouding his judgment. Then it all crumbled down when Felix opened his mouth. "It's so nice to meet you."
Oh god, oh god, oh god!!!!! His brain supplied intelligently, while the rational part tried to scream back Talk to him you idiot. How can I talk to him when he sounds like the guy of my dreams?!??
"You look a little stressed," Felix commented, sitting down and gesturing for him to do the same.
I am extremely stressed. "Sorry. It's been a while since I've been on a date."
Felix smiled, so fondly, and he felt the world crash at his feet. The man sitting in front of him was so beautiful. "Me too. Believe it or not, I was really nervous and even more now that I see you."
Seungmin didn't mean to look so baffled but the words weren't connecting in his tiny pea brain. "M-Me?"
"Yeah, you're super cute." The boy flushed endearingly, and Seungmin was about to have a stroke because there was no way this wasn't another elaborate dream of his.
Surprisingly enough, their conversation evolved rather fast that night, not a single time left to breathe when they had so much to talk to each other. Seungmin felt his walls come down with Felix's kind endeavors, a great listener even when he rambled too much about his favorite show. In retrospect, Felix also had his own ways to erupt in conversation and he was more than happy to indulge in his date topics.
It was as secure as it had been with texts. And Seungmin felt his heart dangerously fill with something indescribable and heavy, hindering even as he sneakily paid for the bill and Felix playfully pretended to be angry.
"You should've let me pay for a part of it!"
Seungmin spilled his words without thinking. "Maybe you can pay next time."
Felix caught into the words, grabbing Seungmin's hand and lacing their fingers. "There's going to be a next time?"
Panic!!!! His brain yelled as he stared down at Felix. But the boy had a playful expression, a smile threatening on his lips. If there's something he noticed, it is that he smiled quite a bit. It was lovely. "If you want…?"
"I definitely do! No need to look stressed, I had a wonderful time tonight." He swings his hands as they wait around on the sidewalk. "I should get a cab."
Seungmin didn't want this night to end, which was a surprisingly new standard for him, because he often runs away from social situations two seconds after they commence. "Didn't you say your apartment is close? What if I walk you there?"
Felix's smile was unbelievably bright, lightening up their whole night. He felt his stomach grumble with excitement, even more so when Felix said yes and began walking into his apartment.
"It's a pleasant night actually." He said, a bit halfway through it after they wrapped off the convo about the food they ate early. "I almost canceled today with nerves, If I'm being honest."
Seungmin couldn't believe his ears. There was no way that the most beautiful specimen he has ever laid eyes on had been nervous to go on a date with ol' little him. "Nervous? Because of me?"
Feliz chuckled. "You're different from the guys I date and I thought I was going to make a fool of myself. But I'm glad I didn't do it because who else would spend over thirty minutes listening to me babble about my failed career as a music teacher?"
"Hey!" Seungmin humped to the defensive. "I'm sure you're a fantastic teacher. You told me you helped that one kid learn about his passion, didn't you? It's like a ripple effect… one influential action leads to even more influential actions; one day they can change the world."
Felix blushed, stopped them to hug Seungmin tightly, as much as their accentuated height difference allowed. "See, this is what I mean," He mumbled to his chest. There was no way he couldn't hear his erratic heartbeat. "You're special. Also, this is me."
He looked at the apartment building shining behind them, a bit upset that the walk had been so fast. Then Felix spoke again: "I think… I would really like for this to be something serious. Which is why I don't feel though it's right to invite you over."
Seungmin blushed. Their night was spent with flirty implications of all sorts, it's been a date after all, but this was the boldest thing (and also sweetest) Felix had remarked. "So, this is it?"
Felix nodded. "For now. Text me when you get home safely, okay?"
Then he released his hand and took a couple of steps through the door before Seungmin had one of a lifetime spur and grabbed Felix's wrist. The movement surprised both of them, as the other looked up and quirked his eyebrows. Seungmin coughed, sensing his ears reddening by the minute.
"What about a kiss?" He blurted out, an apology ready in the tip of his tongue if the answer on the other side was negative.
Thankfully for him, it wasn't. Felix smiled again, before nodding slowly. It was like time had stopped around them, as Seungmin carefully raised his hand to Felix's jaw and cupped it lightly, admiring how the freckles adorned his cheeks before closing his eyes and connecting their lips.
For the first time, in a long time, it felt right to be in that moment. Felix's lips were soft and had a slight taste of a strawberry gloss he noticed the other applied early sneakily. Their lips moved together slowly before Felix laced his arms around Seungmin's middle and pulled him closer.
At that point, he had completely dropped his impediments and kissed a bit harshly, with a little more purpose. Almost a dream to have such a beautiful guy responding so enthusiastically to one of his kisses. It's amazing how the angle was perfect from the get-go, when he tilts his head and deepens the kiss, his hand holding a bit more fiercely to where he held onto Felix's wrist.
When Felix eagerly parts his lips and Seungmin gets a chance to slip his tongue inside, raising the steaks to the kiss to a level it makes his knees disintegrate. He almost whimpers into the kiss with the want to do more, taste more.
Then Felix broke the kiss. "I…" He breathed deeply, resting his forehead with Seungmin's, even if that involved having to stand on his tiptoes. It was endearing. "Don't make me regret my decision to not invite you up."
Seungmin giggled, almost forgetting that this had been the first time they've met and kissed. "I'm sorry, I got… carried away." He breathed out.
"I'll text you. For sure ." Felix said with all the conviction he could muster, before waving goodbye and rushing to his apartment, leaving a lightheaded Seungmin behind with a dopey smile on his features.
☆
Over the next months, their relationship takes a whole different turn he never expected to turn. Physically, for sure, now that both of them are more aware of what they want, it becomes significantly easier to explore each other's bodies.
There are quite a few things he hadn't realized about himself until Felix initiated the conversation. How he enjoys the feeling of being opened up, either his own fingers when he is alone or, and unquestionably the preferred way when Felix helps him out. It comes as no surprise when he, one time, came untouched just with the pleasure of Felix performing the act on him.
The oral fixation is also something he had never considered but, when Hyunjin points out that he practically ate the cap of the pen in the office in a specific week where he hadn't seen Felix, he blushed like crazy.
Something else that comes with the newfound physical connection they have it's that it becomes almost a shared hobby at this point, just like Felix had suggested all those months ago. They shop for collars and dog ears together, which makes them laugh the whole time, but they end up with quite the selection at the end. They also compromise on Seungmin being able to pick the lingerie pieces he thinks would fit better on his boyfriend.
"Baby pink it's perfect. It would look so good with your freckles." Seungmin whines and yes, he's lost quite a bit of his original shame when they first started doing this but it's because Felix is extremely pliant to urge him forward with it.
"What about that robe we saw early? I like them both!" Felix argues back, going back to the tab they had opened a couple of minutes ago, both of them sat on the couch browsing through the computer.
Of course, Seungmin also indulges in some things for the man. "What about both? My treat." Then Felix rewards him with the blowjob of his life.
(Maybe he's quite exaggerating but, when he's with his boyfriend, everything is magnified and baffling).
They go over something they deemed as important as their original conversation over their likes which are their boundaries and limits. That list stands with the OG one with things that they definitely don't want to attempt during their exploration. It's easy to understand that, for a couple as clingy and reassuring as them, any sort of humiliation and punishment is off-limits. And the thing is, there's no shame in such as they attempted at some point, it just didn't click right with them, especially not as much as approval and whispering honeyed words into each other's ears does.
Seungmin continues to find out stuff he never even imagined being into, like restraints. Maybe he's spent too much time taking control when he was more desirous to let himself be controlled. Thankfully for him, Felix was down for pretty much fulfilling those fantasies.
His favorite one these days was getting tied up to the headboard. The first time was complicated for him to stay still, his own need to touch and grab things speaking louder.
"Just relax your arms, love," Felix whispers sweetly, lowering his tied wrists down until they rest on the pillow. "And if you want to stop, we can."
But he didn't want to stop. His senses were already enhanced to the max with just some teasing from Felix and his hands roaming through his chest. It had been mesmerizing. "Go on, please. "
Turned out having Felix bounce on himself as he rode him through his edge, while not being able to move around much granted him the orgasm of his life.
Felix is also an extremely kind lover. He's constantly ready to give more, help him a bit further. Since they've gotten more comfortable in their current dynamic, there's not a time where Felix is not taking care of him after sex. And Seungmin has himself learned a lot about helping his boyfriend feel good after anything they do.
It's a practice that extends to their relationship as a whole.
The emotional relationship evolves as well. They've engaged in so many different conversations about consent these days, that even outside their sexual activities, it's applied. The whole deal allows them to become much more attentive to the little signs in their life: when one of them is down when they're hiding their emotions, and even when they're excited to share something. It unfolds into something much grander than he imagined.
Unfortunately, for Seungmin, that only seems to expand his overwhelming feelings for Felix.
With all the exploration and trust they have in each other, it translates a lot more into other aspects of their life. Felix has a key to his apartment and he now owns a key to Felix’s apartment as well, and he’s become comfortable in barging in like it’s his own place, giving him some inconveniences he can’t quite erase.
(“Felix!” He yells as he enters the apartment, attempting to carry the box he had just picked from the post office. “Our stuff arrived! And if the lady at the post office asks, we are getting a dog!”
Felix appears in the living room with a confused expression. “Why would she think that?”
“Because I had to lie to her about the contents of the box. You know how nosy she gets to find out.”
Then, unexpectedly, another voice barges into the conversation. “What’s wrong with what you ordered?”
Seungmin almost chokes with the intrusion, while his boyfriend is trying remarkably hard to hold off his laugh. Traitor. “H-Hi Chan. Didn’t see you there.”
Chan quirked an eyebrow, while he pressed into the box with the strength he hadn’t known he possessed. He had already been through an embarrassing situation that day, it seemed like they kept piling up. “Hey! What have you two been up to order that’s so bad?”
“Nothing!” They yelled in sync, both their cheeks reddening by the minute this conversation extended.
“Is it a weird sex thing I don’t want to know?”
“Yes,” Felix replies as Seungmin says “No,” at the same time. They lock eyes for a second before Seungmin whines. “Did you have to admit it?”
“I’m sorry I can’t read minds yet, my love. ” And with that excuse, he leaves to store the box away and check his mailbox as well. It was intimidating to be in Chan’s presence alone after that conversation had developed but even more so when the other opened his mouth:
“You have a key to his apartment.” Seungmin didn’t seem to be following where the other was going. “Felix never took that step with anyone.”
An oh died in his throat as awareness sunk. He’s also never taken that step himself with any of his past relationships and he didn’t even think too hard before doing it with Felix. It’s not like he owned any justification whatsoever to Chan, even though he felt himself yielding it regardless. “I love him. But please don’t tell him that, I haven’t yet.”
Chan smiles. “You don’t have to worry. I can’t say this for him, obviously, but he must really like you as well to be able to open so much of himself to you.”)
He understands he loves his boyfriend, even if they have never said those words out loud. Sometimes his brain betrays him, when he's more vulnerable during a particular good fuck, he almost spills it. But holds it in for a little bit more. It's been eleven months now, almost a year since they've been together and he knows Felix is preparing something for the occasion.
He's honestly a bit frightened, but equal times thrilled. Definitely, a lot horny since his boyfriend had asked him if he could take the days off. "Why the day after?" He wondered.
Felix smirked dangerously. "I have a feeling you won't be able to walk properly the next day."
And yeah, the sexual part is mind-blowing but the effort that Felix puts through in cooking a whole dinner feast of homemade food for him might just do enough for his poor heart.
He almost chokes up when he sees the effort the other had put into their anniversary: the lights in the apartment are all dim-lighted and candles got spread around the dining table to give it a more romantic atmosphere. The two cups are filled with red wine and the food Felix prepared smells amazing from where Seungmin could see it.
Seungmin spots Felix waiting for him on the couch, appearing nervous. There was a sight he didn't particularly enjoy, so he ran to call Felix and kissed him passionately. They haven't been able to see each other the whole day due to Seungmin's meeting, so the touch of lips was intoxicating. "Hi, my love."
He took time to appreciate the look on Felix: a baby pink flared shirt tucked into some nice black pants and his hair was slightly braided on the side, looking like the cutest elf he has ever seen. "You look so pretty." He complimented, catching the braids with his fingers delicately. "I love these."
"Yeah?" The other asked, hands resting on his waist. "I tried to make something new."
Seungmin hummed, kissing his cheeks slowly before drawing a trail to his lips again. "You look like an elf. Happy one-anniversary baby."
Felix excitedly shook them, the date finally settling in the atmosphere. Seungmin doesn't know what his boyfriend has planned, but all of the efforts already almost breaks his heart off his chest. "Happy one anniversary! Can you believe we've been together for a whole year?"
No, Seungmin thinks earnestly. He has never been with someone for so long like Felix, never loved someone this deeply. Even just the sight of the boy with his arms wrapped around him and the most beautiful hairstyle and makeup that the other had done just for him was overwhelming. Yet somehow, not the bad kind; it was the type to consume you and fill you through your bones.
Seungmin wonders what kind of magic Felix has. After spending years concerned and haunted by insecurities about relationships, being with someone who erases all of that it's eerie yet comforting.
"Next time I want you to do my face, your makeup looks so nice," Seungmin admits instead, trying to shower his boyfriend with all the love he can muster.
Felix smirks. "Maybe tomorrow. I have some big plans for tonight."
His heart picks up at the words. But he lets the curiosity withhold for them to start the dinner Felix had so carefully prepared. He praises the food enthusiastically, meaning every word since the meal was positively delicious. They barely touch their wine glasses in fact, since the conversation about recalling memories for their relationship spreads like butter. Afterward, they clean together, because none of them is a slob, and the domestic action alone fills his heart again.
Before anything, they settle on the couch. Seungmin's tie is loose since Felix dislikes the constricted feeling it gives and he cuddles close to him, resting his head on Seungmin's chest. It's so warm around them, but maybe that's just the anticipation he's feeling.
Seungmin brushes Felix's hair, attempting not to mess up the beautiful hairstyle. "You know, I'm going to sound a bit lame but this – what we have – it's really meaningful to me.” He can't grasp why he's so afraid of those words spilling, even after a year, even knowing that it wasn't as unreasonable as it could be when he first realized.
"It's meaningful to me too, love," Felix says, nuzzling close to him.
There were words stuck on his throat as he tried to compile his feelings into concepts. "I feel like I've known you my whole life. Isn't that odd? I’ve always been a bit over my head and people tend to run away when I get too much but… never you. No one has ever felt this closer to home than you have."
He didn't mean to get emotional or to get Felix in the same state, but the moment their stares met, his boyfriend's eyes were shining with something deep, significant. "You're sweet. I love you so much. "
Seungmin felt the world stopping at those words. Felix shined with the words, glowing as he had never seen the other glow. Love really changes perspectives, but Seungmin couldn't know if that was true before. But now, on that night, a year after he had almost canceled on their date, he could understand. He feels like a new man under that love and it's unimaginable.
"Y-You do?" He hiccup, not understanding why he felt his eyes watering up. This involuntary response was bound to disgrace him but the tightness of his heart and the emptiness of his brain at the moment with those words were a dynamic duo to stop him from giving a better answer.
But Felix, kind as ever, kissed his cheeks slowly, cleaning the tears away. "Of course I do. I've known for quite a long time but I wanted to give you space to understand. I’m sorry if I overwhelm you."
How could Felix be so considerate and generous? How can such a man grace his presence with so much love? What has he deserved to have him? All these questions swam in his brain, impossible to find coherent answers at the moment. "Felix I've known for so long. I think I’ve always loved you because I never felt like this before, I love you so incredibly much."
The other smiled, his own eyes sparkling with the beginning of tears. "I knew you were different from that very first night. At the time maybe I didn’t love you but… it was something. It only evolved from there on."
"You're really so special, you know?"
Felix yanks him down, giggling as he kisses him passionately, hands roaming through Seungmin's dress shirt. His small fingers work to untie the rest of his tie, lips reaching his neck and sucking into the exposed skin. Seungmin adores the feeling, accentuated even more by their previous love confession.
He pulls the rest of the tie off before throwing it across the room, landing right on top of the TV. They both laugh at the action. "I kind of wanted to use the tie to tie you up today." Felix pouted, looking all glorious on top of him with his already messy hair.
Seungmin quirked an eyebrow. "We literally got comfortable handcuffs for that, why do you want the tie?"
Felix sighs. "The visual would be nice. It’s okay, I have other plans."
☆
This is not what he expected for the plans but, as with anything with his boyfriend, he wasn’t mad at the outcome. Felix is always so gentle with the cuffs, careful to guarantee his safety above it all. “Is that okay love?”
He bites his lips, his gaze unable to deter from how beautiful Felix looks like now, even when he’s tying him up to the headboard. The material of the padded cuffs makes his skin tingle with possibilities, the sounds of the chains every time he attempts to move increasing the excitement in his bones.
“It’s great. Are you going to take off your clothes as well or just keep torturing me?”
Felix smirks, sitting back on his tights, effectively stopping the movement of his legs as well. It’s always frantic in his mind to notice the little details in Felix’s taking control: the other doesn’t need to use his words for him to feel how much he wants him to stay still.
And he does, enjoying the show the other provides. There’s faint music playing on the background, a playlist that Felix prepared for the occasion. His boyfriend really went the whole way to make the day special, even more, when he saw him strip off his shirt – as nonchalantly as he could – and got a hint of some pink lace peeking through his shoulders.
“ Shit .” Seungmin couldn’t help the word to leave his mouth. Felix looks a bit unsure as he undresses but Seungmin is absolutely in awe of the piece his boyfriend wore. He grasped it would look incredible on him, but he wasn’t prepared for how much. When he finished stripping down and settles again on his tights, Seungmin feels his brain shortcut. “ Shit , you look fantastic. I think I’m going to die.”
Felix laughed, his palms pinning him to the mattress with just enough strength to feel pleasurable. He accidentally tugs the restrains, dazed with the want to touch Felix. “I thought it was a good time to try them on. Do you like them, baby?”
Seungmin’s eyes can’t help but roam Felix’s body, drunk in the spectacle already, but accentuated by the way Felix starts grinding slowly on him. He’s not going to handle the whole night. “ Fuck , I knew you would look so pretty. How are you supposed to edge me, I don’t think I can handle it?”
Felix giggles, breaking again from his intense attitude. “We don’t have to do it if you don’t want it.”
He shook his head immediately. “Let’s continue. I just can’t promise I’m going to handle it.”
“Doesn’t matter, I love making you cum anyways.” Felix whispers, before diving in for a searing kiss, bruising in a surprisingly good way before moving his fingers painfully slow down his hips, right where he already feels desperate for the touch. Felix is a tease, has always been, but somehow it only excites him further.
When he notices Felix uncap the lube bottle and coat his fingers generously with the liquid, he can’t help but tug on the cuffs again, the sounds echoing through the room. “ Shit .”
“Are you impatient, love?” He teases, his finger carefully circling his hole already, so close to where he desires it to be but not enough. “I was wondering if you really want this…”
He knows what Felix is doing but he succumbs nonetheless, forever too eager to even pretend like he doesn’t urgently want it. “Please, I really want it. I’ll stay still.”
“Will you?” He nodded agitatedly, Felix moving his finger a little more, almost there… “You’re such a good boy, I think you deserve it.”
The stretch always feels amazing, even if Felix’s hands are significantly smaller than his. It’s more about the way Felix knows exactly where to curl his fingers, how to reach that spot quickly and dissolve him into a pleasure-seeking being with the touch of his fingers. When the second one makes its way in, he tries to grind into the touch, proving much difficult with the cuffs.
The search for pleasure like this is incredible, especially with Felix dropping feather-like kisses and kitten licks all over his chest. The lace rubs in his skin as the other moves, the want to rip it off his boyfriend somehow taking over. The image flashed through his mind, as well as the vision of his boyfriend pinned underneath him, squirming as he slowly fucks onto him.
It’s been a while since he topped, so he doesn’t understand where the idea comes from, especially when Felix is taking such good care of him. All of that must be shoved to the back of his mind when he feels a third finger enter him, sees how concentrated Felix is in making sure he can reach more, move a bit faster, even if his small fingers don’t allow it.
“Felix…” He breathes, accidentally tugging the restraints again. How was he losing control so fast? “I’m not going to make it.”
Then the other is pulling out when he feels his chest bubble with the want to release. He breathes again, losing the drive at a fast pace with the lack of touch. Felix sends him a sweet smile. “Not yet, love.” Then he’s going down on his cock, without any warning, bobbing his head leisurely. The sensation is almost too much, painfully sensitive already with just some touches. There’s so much emotion condensed into the touches that he’s not surprised he’s so close already again. Felix sucks harder, looking up at him and winking.
Fucking winking . He almost chokes with the visual, bucking his hips up. When Felix barely reacts to the movement, simply letting his hand rest at the base of his cock as he continues bobbing up and down, he almost sees stars.
He remembers the first time he accidentally had done this, afraid to have hurt Felix, all for the other to reveal he doesn’t really have a gag reflex, it clouded his brain with the filthiest scenarios This moment was much more than whatever plot he had pictured in his head. Felix spreads his legs a little further before using his tongue to lick a stripe up his dick, pleased by the moans Seungmin couldn’t help to release. The wet kisses and kitten-ish licks he continues to leave all over his shaft essentially do the deal for Seungmin, overwhelmed already by how good this is all feeling.
“ Please, please I can’t handle it anymore!” He whimpers, desperate in the search for something, anything at this point. He has never felt this careless with so little, and even if they’ve used the cuffs before and he knew how much the lack of touch made him sensitive, something about that moment, in this day, feel boosted by a million times more intense than before.
Felix lets go with a pop, before cleaning the spit in his mouth with his wrist. It’s astonishingly hot. “It’s a shame then.” Seungmin feels the boy hover over him, bringing his wrists to rest on the pillow behind him. “You’re just going to hurt yourself even more. Relax for me, will you?” It’s sickeningly sweet, how much Felix cares. “What’s your color, love?”
“Green.” He chokes out. Like he would ever want this moment to end. “Just – touch me please. Don’t stop.”
Felix giggles, pecking him and dropping another trail of kisses all over his chest, passing from his neck until his dick again, praises whispered onto his skin as he reassures him how well he’s doing, how lucky he is to have him. It’s not until Felix’s mouth starts kissing his tights and sucking the skin there when the necessity for something else hits.
It’s not until Felix opens his mouth. “ I love you .”
Those three damned words, piercing through his head and making him dizzy with desire. He can’t help the moan escaping from his mouth, especially not when instead of Felix’s fingers in his hole, he feels his tongue sliding inside. “ God !” He yelps, his toes curling with the overwhelming sensations. He should’ve known he wouldn’t last long. “ Felix, please !”
The sensation is overpowering, straight to his chest. He’s so close again, unable to handle the noises erupting. His mind is racing, the concept from before bursting in with even more strength than he expected. He can’t help to blurt it out. “Felix, I want to fuck you please.”
Felix abruptly lifts his head, cheeks painted red, elegantly adorning his expression. He seems startled at the proposition; Hell, Seungmin doesn’t even know where that is coming from but the more he considers it, the more he craves it. “Wait, really?”
“Is that weird? Sorry, the lingerie is making my head spin.”
Felix laughs, adjusting his position before smiling sweetly. “Let’s do it.” Seungmin breathes out, noticing the boy hovering over him again and carefully unlocking the cuffs from his wrists. “You haven’t asked for that in a while. You want it?”
He nodded, tremendously sure of his decision as Felix massaged his wrists gently after releasing the restraints. He doesn’t mind the sting now, especially not when he’s so eager to what’s coming next. “I do. Do you?”
Felix grips at the base of his neck, pulling him for a gentle kiss. He couldn’t help but dig his fingernails on Felix’s back now that he was allowed, traveling his hands to feel the lace of the piece he was wearing. It was so incredibly beautiful. “I do.”
They switched positions eagerly, Seungmin exerting his time to spread Felix open. It’s been a while since he’s done this but, by the sounds of his boyfriend’s moans, he’s doing a great job. He circles the other, attempting to release some of the tension by kissing him and performing what he knew his boyfriend liked.
After so long, it’s clear to know Felix’s body so well, understand what makes the other curl in his toes, loosen himself to the sensations. He prodded his second finger now, twisting it around to guarantee the comfort of his lover. Felix whines desperately; he knows his fingers reach Felix in ways he can’t ever do to himself, and that feeling of pride erupts in his chest.
With his free hand, he reaches to remove the lace bralette the other is using, moving it off his shoulders carefully as he kisses the exposed skin, mapping the younger’s body in ways he hadn’t before. The feeling is as intoxicating as it is when Felix is the one doing it for him. When he manages to pull it out, he reaches for Felix’s nipples and twists one of them, his fingers still curling inside the boy.
The loud moan Felix lets out it’s engraved in his mind forever. “That feels incredible. Keep going.”
Felix has his eyes closed and he looks so gone already; that alone propels Seungmin to continue, drunk on the pleasure that is to know he’s the reason why his boyfriend looks this wild already. He indulges, continues to work Felix out, his fingers going a little deeper for a little longer, brushing on his sweet spot every now and then, allowing the other to continue whimpering at the movement.
When their lips touch again, he can feel how desperate Felix is and it’s terribly consuming. He did that, he’s making the other feel this good. Their cocks brush slightly when Seungmin moves a bit, both moaning into the kiss, the feeling of Felix’s wet tip through the lace panties he’s wearing.
“I-I’m ready,” Felix breathes out, reaching for the lube before handing it over to Seungmin. “You don’t need a condom. I want to feel you.”
“ Shit , are you sure?” Seungmin asks, suddenly the stakes of the whole thing are raised. His skin erupted with goosebumps when the other nodded. He cursed again before reaching to place a pillow underneath Felix’s hip and coating his dick with enough lube, the cold somehow conflicting directly with the newfound ardent heat in between them.
Felix drops his head backward when Seungmin positions himself between his legs, his hands coming to rest on the side. He spreads a bit more lube, just to make sure, before aligning himself and slowly pushing inside. The boy breathes out, adjusting to the intrusion. Seungmin was being gentle, knowing that his boyfriend hasn’t done this in a while, whispering how he was doing so well and asking if he was okay. It seemed to relax Felix, whose words leaving were slurred with desire, drunk on the feeling already. Seungmin was gradually driving himself insane as well, feeling incredible with movement, gripping at the sheets, his knuckles turning white with the strenght.
When they finally adjusted into one another, Seungmin bottomed out, both breathing in with the sensations. Not even the music still playing in the background could muffle their heavy, practically synchronized, breathing, It was something they’ve done before, the beginning of their relationship focused on it, but this time around it felt different; the gradual build that led them here was senseless.
Seungmin tried to move, catching the moan his boyfriend let out with a bruising kiss. “Is it good?”
Felix nodded; his eyes closed with pleasure. “M-Move again please.”
He complied, pushing in and out and trying to find the pace that worked the best for both. His hand moved to Felix’s, dragging it by the side of his head and lacing their fingers together. Their palms were sweaty and too heated to be held but none of them cared at the time. His boyfriend moaned at the touch, caught immediately by the kiss he stole.
His hips started rolling, a bit faster, catching the right rhythm before pulling Felix closer, wanting for their bodies to be as near as possible, every point of contact burning with the movement. He wanted to feel Felix whole, make sure this would be something they wouldn’t forget. “ Fuck!”
“ S-Seungmin !” Felix mumbles, voice slurred with pleasure as he nuzzles into his collarbone, his breath tingling on Seungmin’s skin. He angles himself again, picking up the pace and this time he can feel it, sense Felix’s walls swallow him whole. He’s unable to control his noises but so is Felix, pleasure building quickly now that the angle allows them to go even deeper, a bit harsher.
He’s way too sensitive to resist the crushing sensations. “I’m so close.” He can see Felix nodding. No matter how fucked he feels, he shakily moves his free hand to wrap around Felix’s dick, stroking him sloppily as they both search for the release. He finishes with a growl, continuing to help Felix until the other cums all over their stomachs.
“ Fuck, that was– “ Felix says, as they relax into each other, Seungmin basically collapsed on top of his boyfriend.
He’s so content out with the emotions that all that leaves his mouth is: “I love you.”
They both start giggling, resting their foreheads together. Felix moves to peck his lips, too tired for anything else but he’s fine with it, soaking on the blissed moment they’re having right now. He could linger at that moment forever, in each other’s presence, but Seungmin comprehends they both hate leaving a mess after sex, so he pulls out with a deep breath, moving to grab the tissues on the nightstand to clean them lightly.
“I’ll be right back.” He kisses Felix’s cheek, coming from the bathroom with a wet cloth and helping the other gently. It’s nice to be in this position for a change. “You good?”
Felix accepts, his smile so wide his eyes almost disappear with it. They get rid of the sheets, casually as one could because the tiredness of their actives was starting to catch on, dropping themselves on the bed once more. Felix’s hands find Seungmin again and he brings it to his lips to drop featherlight kisses, nuzzling to his side. “Happy first anniversary, love.”
Seungmin’s heart fills with an intense passion he can’t control. “Here’s to more to come.”
☆
Twenty months.
Putting on other terms, that's almost two years. That's the longest relationship in his books, as far as he's concerned. Surprisingly enough, even in the span of the past couple of months, he doesn't feel less in love with Felix. In fact, as the months go by, every day he finds himself discovering new things he absolutely adores about the other.
He knows it's serious when he tells his sister about it. Granted he refrained from using the term boyfriend and instead choose partner , for safety measures, but the last time she texted him, she asked about how his boyfriend was, so he had no qualms in admitting that it had been the biggest step he's taken.
In normal circumstances, he would be panicking; searching for the easy way out, a way to ease his overwhelming feelings and stop them from developing further. But he loves Felix and Felix loves him.
Felix loves him.
So maybe the decision he took at that moment wasn't a mistake. Or perhaps it would be the biggest stone in their path but he was willing to follow through with it.
"Hey, love!" Felix greets when he opens the door to his apartment. They've agreed to have a casual dinner at Seungmin's apartment that day since Felix hated his own so much because of his neighbors, and he couldn't have thought how perfect the timing had been. "What are you up to?"
He smiled. Before replying to his lover, he took a step towards the boy and kissed him. "Hey. I have something to show you."
"Oh, I love surprises!" He was pretty endeared by him already with those words alone, but even more when he noticed Felix's expression light up like a thousand suns at the view on his arms. "Oh my God, is that a cat?!"
Seungmin laughed. He was holding a small, inoffensive Calico kitty in his arms. Hyunjin's cat accidentally (according to him) has given birth to a whole litter. His co-worker practically begged for him to take one for himself and an excellent idea popped into Seungmin's mind.
"It's your cat." He replied, noticing how Felix's features softened as he held the creature in his arms.
"My what?"
"It's for you. I know how much you love pets so I got that little fella for you."
Felix was close to tears, which was alarming, but he stepped forward to hug Seungmin as tight as the cat in between them allowed. It was so heartwarming and domestic, especially with the question lingering on his tongue.
"But Minnie," His boyfriend started, petting the cat gently. "My apartment doesn't allow pets."
He gulped. He knew that. It hadn't been the first time that Felix tried to get an animal and Seungmin had been the responsible one to go through his lease to check for any loophole.
Everything was going according to plan. "I know. Maybe the cat can stay here?"
Felix raised his eyebrows, intrigued but never once latching off the kitty in his arms. "Then… it won't be my cat, it's basically yours. But if you want to keep it, it's fine."
Seungmin giggled. He loved Felix. "Then I guess you'll have to stay here as well."
He was about to argue back until the reality of the situation settled on the atmosphere around them. Felix's face went through several emotions before settling on a mixture of surprise and hopefully tears of joy.
"Kim Seungmin." Full name, he was serious. "You're asking me to move in with you?"
With those words out loud, the panic started to stall on his chest. He had mauled on the issue for quite some time but now, even after the proposition, he was afraid that it hadn't been the right choice. For some reason, up until now, it never occurred to him that the answer to his question might be no.
He took a deep breath and reminded himself of everything he's done with this boy in ways he hasn't done with anyone ever. A reminder that this was simply another step. "Y-yes, I am. If you want, of course."
Felix placed the kitty softly on the couch before basically throwing himself at Seungmin and kissing him hard. He grabbed the other’s waist to steady them, otherwise, they would end up tumbling to the ground. His lips moved frantically before attempting to kiss every available surface on his face while he tiptoed.
"Yes, yes yes!" Felix yelled, holding him extremely tightly on a bruising hug. "This is going to be incredible."
Felix continued his monologue. "I'm so happy I found you. I love you."
His chest tightened except this time he didn't have to hide his overbearing feelings for his partner. Everything was out in the open, perfectly lined up. " I love you too."