Work Text:
I’m getting old.
Minho necessarily doesn’t want to think the thought, but he sure as hell feels it.
With SHINee on hiatus and the members scattered, he thought he would finally find at least some time for… for what exactly, Minho?
Minho hates it more than anything when his stubborn brain riots and pushes him into places he doesn’t want to, but at the end has to follow nonetheless.
The truth is; he could sit here for days, maybe weeks. He could sit here unmoving, buried in what-ifs and hows, but he is sure there isn’t a name or a phrase for what is happening between Minho and one of his closest and oldest friends in something so commonplace as human language.
Because how else would you explain it?
Unresolved chemistry.
Minho would be a hypocrite if he didn’t admit those thousands of sparks taking shape between him and Lee Jinki since the beginning of everything. They were there long before Minho grew up from his clumsy limbs and stopped sweating profusely every time the other boy smiled at him the way he always did: as if his whole being depended on it, as if everything Lee Jinki ever wanted was to make the person on receiving end of his smiles feel special and seen. They were there for years whilst Minho ignored them in favour of beautiful women, stomping over them with purpose and determination his fans loved him for. And whilst he wasn’t looking, those sparks grew into something more dangerous and everlasting, creating this constant throb behind Minho’s left eye; a pain he could never really shake off.
Admiration.
There aren’t many people Minho holds in higher regard than Lee Jinki. Besides his mother and father, that is. He knows the hyung long enough to know he won’t listen or believe the words of praise, but it doesn’t mean Minho will ever be okay with it or stops trying. They called him flaming charisma after all. And so he will gladly tell anyone who is willing to listen that Lee Jinki is the only role model he ever wanted or needed.
Closeness.
Not just being able to communicate without a word being ever spoken. It was a closeness embossed into them over and over again; shaped by the years of shared happiness and sadness, both emotions so profound it threatened to break them apart completely and forever, but instead, bringing them as close as they could possibly be, struggling to understand where exactly Minho starts and Jinki ends. He feels it now more than ever, now when he knows how it feels to be really close to the one who was meant for him. Minho feels the pull somewhere deeply behind his third and fourth rib: as if all despair of missing the other man accumulated right there, pushing its way out in such a brutal manner it threatens to not only shatter Minho’s heart but his whole being with it.
Love.
Love.
I’m getting old.
Minho necessarily doesn’t want to think the thought, but he sure as hell feels it. He is tired. Tired of the games he and Lee Jinki play since forever, tired of pretending.
He hates pretending it is enough.
They finally finished their military service and Minho was drunk past the point when he dared to grab very sober Jinki by his stupidly colourful jumper, shaking him violently whilst he asked for what he so so wanted for what felt like whole eternities and Jinki nodded so very easily, leading Minho to his bedroom by his wrist but what Jinki never understood was; it was never enough for Minho.
And he isn’t just flaming. He is blazing to the point he knows he can’t ever stop. Not without burning himself and Lee Jinki alive.
°°°
He was a fool to think that even with SHINee out of the picture, he would have time for anything else but work. Minho is so busy, he can’t tell how much time have passed since Taemin’s enlistment, he doesn’t recall the last time he saw Lee Jinki face to face and he sometimes wonders when he lays alone late at night if it truly happened or if he just dreamt it all.
It doesn’t stop Minho from wanting. It doesn’t stop the painful push behind his sternum, which reminds him day in day out that he is alone, so very alone.
°°°
So he works. He works and works until he doesn’t feel anything else but emptiness. And it’s funny almost because Minho always thought that emptiness is hollow, but this emptiness echoes with vibrations of Lee Jinki’s laugh as he wriggles in Minho’s embrace.
°°°
Kibum pretends he still rummages through the little box full of jewellery as he slides his mobile phone closer to Minho.
“Hyung looks good, no?”
Kibum’s sharp eyes widen a little as he finds the earrings he was looking for and there is a little happy squeak that follows when they match his outfit perfectly.
Minho blinks at the screen in front of him and damn, he really needs a new pair of glasses. It’s embarrassing, but he knows Kibum won’t be harsh. Laughing at him for being old and blind as a bat? Sure, but he won’t be harsh, so it would truly hurt him. So he picks the wretched mobile phone to see better and mere seconds later he wishes he didn’t, he so wishes he didn’t and when exactly Kibum became this kind of cruel again?
It’s a short video and Lee Jinki wears a wetsuit; a wetsuit for God’s sake and he looks so achingly young and well-rested with the sun in his eyes and a broad smile on his lips.
Minho knows it’s ridiculous to feel jealous. Lee Jinki isn’t and never was his for taking, he has no right to feel what he is feeling and Minho isn’t sure why, but they are actual tears behind his eyes and he thinks he might be sick with an intensity of it all.
“What do you want me to say?” He asks and he is terrified of how weak his voice is once he forces it behind his throat. How exposed.
Kibum sighs tiredly and there is an audible slap from where Kibum’s hands meet his thigh as he stands up abruptly.
“What do I want you to say?” He parrots Minho mockingly, but there is also kindness in Kibum’s eyes and Minho was never more grateful.
“I don’t know, Minho,” he says whilst he takes the phone from Minho and throws it into his handbag with an annoyed huff. “Maybe for once, start by being truthful. Not for my sake. Or Taemin’s or Jonghyun’s. Not even for Jinki’s. For once, start by being truthful for your own sake only.”
Minho prides himself on being dignified whilst crying. So it takes him by surprise how loud and desperate are the sobs that suddenly come out and even if he wants to, he isn’t able to stop. Kibum’s arms around his trembling body are unwavering as they were the day they laid Jonghyun to rest and Minho will never stop thanking whoever is up there for the handful of loyal friends he has in his life.
°°°
Another long day is behind him and Minho thinks the man who stares back at him from his bathroom mirror is somehow older and sadder.
He runs his fingers through his wet hair and it crosses his mind, he definitely needs a haircut next time he is in the city centre.
Minho expects the doorbell when it rings, his empty stomach almost painful with hunger. He doesn’t do takeaway often, but he still feels stupidly guilty; following a healthy eating regiment and all, but surely, one day off won’t hurt.
He smiles at his usual delivery girl when she hands him a little paper carrier bag and proceeds to bow when he notices Lee Jinki standing behind her and Minho freezes in the middle of the movement, surely looking as awkward as he feels.
Ma-ri smiles at him nonetheless and wishes him a pleasant evening before she turns on her heel and disappears.
“Good evening,” the man in front of him says ever so simply and Minho tries to count the number of times he prayed he would see Lee Jinki smile at him once again. He is smiling right now: there is a little, unsure smile that stretches the corners of Jinki’s pretty mouth up ever so slightly as the tip of his trainer kicks the floor as if it offended him somehow. And there is something that flashes through Jinki’s eyes ever so quickly that to anyone who doesn’t know the other man very well, wouldn’t recognize for what it is, but Minho; Minho knows him and sees him for what he truly is and he sees the uncertainty, he recognizes and understands the fear.
“Oh-I’m so sorry, Minho-ah. This is so stupid,” Minho’s mouth opens as Jinki turns around to leave and Minho prays there are actual words coming out and that it isn’t everything just in his head, because if he doesn’t stop Jinki now, he will lose his best friend for real.
“I’m sorry to intrude on your evening, I’m sorry-“ Jinki babbles abruptly at the same time Minho says, “Please, Jinki. Stay.”
Jinki's body freezes for a second or two, but then he turns to face Minho again and Minho hates how unsure his body language seems.
“W-what?”
“If you want to. That is. If you want to stay,” Minho repeats slow but determined. “We haven’t seen each other in… in ages. And I think it’s long past overdue we talked.”
Minho doesn’t like the way Jinki’s shoulders drop as he says, “ah. Sure. Sure, Minho. As you wish.”
As you wish.
Minho wishes for far too many things.
He wishes he stops sweating, he wears only his loose cotton pants but his tank top sticks between his shoulder blades the same way his hoodie did when Jinki elbowed him between his ribs, having a go at his part of Replay, having Jonghyun and Key rolling with laughter and Minho didn’t know if to laugh together with them or start sprinting as fast as he could and hide away.
He wishes his eyes don’t drink the man in front of him as if he might never see him like this ever again: just the two of them, no more masks to hide behind.
He wishes his stupid consciousness didn’t stop his muscle memory as he tries to hug Jinki, but it does and it kills him the way Jinki stiffens as if he is uncomfortable with Minho hugging him, Minho, who was hugging Lee Jinki for as long as he can remember.
Minho all but forgets about food and being hungry and whilst Jinki takes his shoes off and settles himself into many cushions on Minho’s sofa he makes them both a cup of camomile tea.
Taemin once told him it’s good for your nerves or some similar drivel.
Jinki accepts the mug from him; the cute wrinkles at the corner of his eyes are even more profound as he smiles at Minho with a quiet thank you.
“I don’t know why I didn’t pick up the phone and didn’t do this earlier,” Minho hears himself say, but his voice is somewhat distorted in his ears, because his traitorous heart trashes around his ribcage somewhat fierce, pushing itself against his tight throat vehemently. “It just got harder the longer I left it, I guess.”
Jinki stirs his tea and suddenly there is a loud clunk from where the teaspoon hits the saucer as he drops it.
“Don’t. Minho,” he says quietly and Minho thinks that surely his heart will strangle him any moment now, lodging itself firmly behind his throat, no oxygen for him to breathe unless he allows his heart to spill and pours everything it has been holding onto free. It hurts so so bad to have Jinki turning him down straight from the beginning.
“Don’t sit here and talk like it’s your fault that our friendship ended.”
Do you really have such a little faith in you and me? Minho wishes he is strong enough to ask. Those long years we carried each other, are they nothing now?
“W-what?” he croaks out instead and he wipes at the tears in his eyes with the back of his hand angrily, because what are tears good for when you losing your soul mate and are unable to stop it?
Jinki doesn’t look at him, but that’s okay. He stands up and starts to pace up and down Minho’s living room and Minho almost laughs because this is the awkward Lee Jinki he missed so horribly, awkward but his.
“You won’t let it slide, will you? Y-you want me to say it aloud and you are right, you deserve to hear it for what it truly was, no matter how much it h-… Minho, I forced myself on you!”
Minho feels like he is surely suffering a whiplash not only from how quickly Jinki walks but from his confusing words also.
He makes a mistake and laughs.
Jinki’s eyes shoot to his and the man looks horrified to his very bones and also as if he is ready to fall apart any second.
And then Lee Jinki is crying; still looking at Minho as the tears flow down his beautiful face and drip from his chin, “yo- you know what they accused me of better than anyone. You-you-you know and you are laughing and I deserve it, I deserve it all, but Minho,” Jinki clutches at his chest as if he is in real physical pain, “why does it hurt so much?”
“Jinki,” Minho doesn’t care anymore if he can if he is allowed. He crosses the room and wraps his arms around the other man and it surprises him as always; how small Lee Jinki feels in his arms, how small and fragile, yet so incredibly honest and strong. “Jinki, please. Jinki, sweetheart, listen to me for a moment.”
Jinki’s whole body trembles under the endearment and Minho finally understands it – he thinks he forced himself on you, he thinks you didn’t want him, he thinks he doesn’t deserve any of this.
Minho should be surprised, but he isn’t. Not really.
Lee Jinki always has handfuls of kindness for everybody apart from the person who needed it the most.
“Have you ever, even once, seen anybody forcing me to do something I truly didn’t want to do and succeeding?” Minho asks slowly and Jinki blinks at him in confusion, his eyelashes glued together with tears and he is gorgeous to the point Minho might explode with it all, but he forces himself to focus because this is important and everything else can wait.
“But-but you were so horribly drunk and I-,” Jinki tries but his voice gets quieter and quieter until there is no more sound and new tears wash over his face.
“Bullshit,” Minho cuts him off more harshly than he perhaps intended, but he can’t stand when Jinki does this to himself, this self-flagellation habit of his that wouldn’t stop no matter how many times Minho tries and tells him how precious Jinki is. “Yes, we were celebrating. And yes, I drank some alcohol. But I knew what I was doing when I approached you, I knew why I asked what I asked, I did what I did because I wanted to.”
“Wanted to?” Jinki asks him incredulously and Minho hates the way Jinki makes his body somehow smaller as if folding on himself. “Why somebody like you would want somebody like me, it doesn’t make any sense at all. You are you, and everybody loves you and wants to be close to you and I’m me and if not for all the diets I would be even more fat and-“
Minho has about enough so he manhandles the smaller man, sprawling himself on the top of Jinki whilst he pushes Jinki onto his back and covers Jinki’s still running mouth with his hand.
Minho is bigger and stronger than Jinki and although he breaks a sweat as Jinki trashes under him, Minho’s body doesn’t budge. He clamps his thighs around Jinki’s hips and lowers his head to the other man’s face, Jinki’s eyes are wild from where they stare at Minho.
“You are stubborn. But you will listen,” Minho says as calmly as he can muster, trying to get his own breathing under the control.
The older man wriggles some more but Minho’s grip on his wrists is strong now and he pins his arms above Jinki’s head with ease.
“You will listen,” he repeats himself simply and bares his teeth at Jinki as he smiles dangerously.
Minho more feels than sees when the fight leaves Jinki’s body as he goes all soft and pliant and Minho’s voice stutters as it takes him to the night they spent together, the night he promised he wouldn’t think about at all. How beautifully Jinki’s body melted against his. As if he was born to be under Minho’s body and warmth until the end of time.
“Lee Jinki,” he huffs with a laugh and shakes the hair from his eyes as he looks at the man who lays sprawled on his living room floor, being kept almost hostage. “You are so incredibly stubborn, dumb and oblivious sometimes.”
“Lee Jinki. I wish there was a way you could see yourself through my eyes and understand.”
Minho smiles and lowers his face closer to Jinki, his chapped lips skimming over the shell of Jinki’s ear ever so lightly.
“How unique and beautiful you are. And no, I’m not talking just about your voice, although you know how much I admire how lovely you sound. I’m talking about you. I’m talking about Lee Jinki,” Minho feels the way Jinki’s body goes almost rigid under him, but he can’t stop, not now. Not ever.
“Because I see you. You are so incredibly kind and giving it takes my breath away every single time. I’m so full of pride knowing that you are my friend, that I’m privileged enough to know you and learn from you, and you are amazing, gorgeous and I’m in awe with you.”
Jinki tries to bite Minho’s palm, but it doesn’t work and Minho maybe feels a little bit sorry for the man, the way his face and neck flush bright pink with embarrassment, but he also doesn’t. He waited years to be able to say all of this. So Jinki better puts his seat belt on, because Choi Minho will take him for a ride.
“I love how selfless you always are. How keen you are on making and seeing people around you happy. I love how caring you are because no matter how many times Taemin barks at you grumpily about how very grown-up he is now, you take it on your chin with a smile and you love him all the same, you love him and love him. I know that people hurt you and I’m sorry I wasn’t able to stop it before it buried its roots in you so horribly deep, but Jinki- you are worthy, you are worthy and you matter to me so so much.”
Jinki is crying, but Minho thinks it’s okay because he is crying too.
He removes his hands from around Jinki’s mouth and wrists but doesn’t get up from where he sits still straddling the other man’s hips.
“Surely, you must know how much I love you,” Minho adds simply and he feels light as a feather, he feels light and as if he travels back in time and he is much younger and clumsier, but he loves the man in front of him all the same.
°°°
“Say it again,” Jinki pouts at him as Minho takes off Jinki’s t-shirt. He thinks that green is a lovely colour on Jinki and he wants to tell him that, but Minho gets distracted by how soft and inviting Jinki’s belly looks, how lovely and wide his bare chest is.
He bites the soft flesh of Jinki’s stomach and swats at the older man’s hands impatiently as Jinki tries to cover himself.
“Hush,” Minho tuts at Jinki as he wrestles with his belt. “Let me see you.”
“Buuut, say it again!” Jinki insist but his breath catches in his throat as Minho’s hands grab his thighs through the denim.
“That you take my breath away? That you are beautiful?” Minho teases Jinki who blushes adorably as he shakes his head to hurriedly protest that no, that isn’t what he means, but Minho ignores him and enjoys the way the older man’s thighs feel under his palms; so firm and strong, straining with Jinki’s battle between want and shyness.
“Kibum showed me that wretched video of you in the wetsuit,” is Minho’s turn to blush as he thinks the words he wants to say, but this is Lee Jinki and if anyone understands it would be him. “You have to understand, I-I have been having fantasies about your thighs since I first met you, sweetheart. And seeing you looking so healthy and buff, I swear, I couldn’t sleep at night.”
Jinki peeks at him from behind his forearm, his eyebrows arched with interest.
“You have fantasies about my thighs,” Jinki says slowly as he helps Minho to peel his jeans off.
Minho’s eyes light up with a pure wonder as his hands slide up and down Jinki’s beautiful legs and he giggles with nothing but joy as he finally feels an incredible warmth and soft hair against the palms of his hands and if there is heaven, yeah, this is it.
“Yup,” he nods eagerly as he strokes and massages Jinki’s legs and they are every single bit beautiful he knew they would be. “I swear to you, hyung, I could just bury myself in between them and die a happy man.”
The older man grabs the flimsy front of Minho’s tank top which positively rips in the middle and kisses him the way Lee Jinki does everything else in life: with a heart on his sleeve and a huge smile on his lips. It’s wet and messy and their teeth clunk audibly as they meet in the middle of it all, but Choi Minho knows he has never been happier.
“Say it again,” Jinki repeats himself quietly as he nips at Minho’s bottom lips and licks it teasingly. He kisses Minho again, Jinki’s tongue is hot and heavy inside Minho’s mouth and Lee Jinki’s taste takes Minho somewhere a very long time ago, he didn’t know he needed to go and be and Minho feels at peace and perfectly happy.
“I love you, Lee Jinki. I love you,” Minho tells the other man as they kiss some more and then Jinki looks at him and kisses Minho’s eyelids one by one like they are something treasured, kisses the top of his head and kisses his nose.
“And I love you,” he smiles at Minho so uniquely Jinki that Minho’s heart is aching for the man in front of him with every single fibre, and all he wants to do for the rest of his days is to make sure that Lee Jinki only ever smiles like this. “Always loved you. Always will.”
And it strikes Minho once again; how difficult it was at first and how very easily and naturally it comes now.
“And you could, you know,” Jinki adds quickly and Minho almost misses the words altogether, but his ear is right next to Jinki’s lips as Minho bends over and sucks what he is sure will be one hell of a bruise around Jinki’s exquisite collarbone.
“I could?” Minho asks stupidly because his higher brain functions are slowly but surely switching off and all he can think is Jinki Jinki Jinki.
And that is definitely Jinki’s glorious thigh, which wedges itself in between Minho’s legs and lets him grind against it like a cat in heat.
Jinki’s “yeah,” sounds more like a moan than an actual word and Minho think there isn’t a drop of blood left in his body that doesn’t travel towards his dick as Jinki speaks next. “You could definitely bury yourself in between my thighs if you want to.”
Minho watches absolutely speechless as Jinki pours an outrageous amount of lube between his own thighs and entwine his fingers with Minho’s.
“You aren’t the only one who has fantasies, you know,” Jinki says, sounding on edge and impatient as he drags Minho’s pants below his butt just to free Minho’s aching dick and it’s embarrassing, but he has to bite his bottom lip so hard he draws blood to stop himself from coming there and then.
It feels almost reverent when he spreads the lube all over Jinki’s legs, burying himself up to his wrist in the warmth between the older man’s thighs.
“Will you keep them nicely still and tight for me, sweetheart?” Minho pushes his hand in and out a couple of times and he swears he feels it all the way to his dick.
“Make a lovely and warm place for my dick to fuck into?” Minho’s voice stutters into something incoherent after that, because Jinki urges him to swap his hand for his dick and it’s absolutely glorious, the exquisitely lewd slide of his most sensitive skin against the firmness of Jinki’s thighs.
“S-sure, I will. Anything. Anything for you,” Jinki whispers into Minho’s lips as they kiss again and it’s slow this time, as slow as the drag of Minho’s dick against Jinki’s perineum and Jinki’s teeth are positively chattering and Minho has to hold him down because Jinki pushes up into him; eager and impatient and Minho’s head is spinning with need. “Fuck my tights like you mean it, soldier.”
And something in Minho snaps, something primal and basic and it forces him to pick up the speed as he fucks into Jinki’s thighs and the squelching sound it makes as they meet skin on the skin is absolutely delicious.
He doesn’t know what to grab to ground himself, so he grabs Jinki’s hair who moans and moans and expose his throat to Minho; so completely vulnerable and beautiful.
Minho is almost surprised when the orgasm hits him and he doesn’t have enough time to warn Jinki as he comes all over Jinki’s thighs, belly and chest. There are few drops, which hit Jinki on the chin, and Minho laughs when Jinki sticks his tongue out and tries to reach it with a skillful lick. But Minho’s laughter is short-lived because the man under him starts to play with Minho’s come, spreading it all over his chest and over Jinki’s beautifully hard dick.
“Fuck,” Minho manages before he shuffles lower and takes Jinki’s dick in his mouth, their tastes mixing together rather interestingly. He let go of Jinki’s length for a moment and looks up at him from in between his legs, Minho’s chin and lips covered in his own spunk. “How are you this fucking hot?”
He doesn’t wait for Jinki to answer; in Minho’s opinion: more cock sucking and less talking is vital right now. And Jinki gets it, he really gets it and he doesn’t hold back as he drives into Minho’s mouth, pushing beyond his gag reflex and into his throat and Minho loves him for it, he adores him and will kiss his feet for days.
Jinki is completely silent when he comes and Minho forces his eyes open because that completely relaxed and blissful expression on Jinki’s face is worthy and how did Minho ever get this damn lucky?
He wraps his whole body around Jinki and although they stick together at places, and he is sure he is crushing the older man beyond the point it can be comfortable, he never cared less.
“Hmmmm,” Jinki mumbles contently and Minho’s chest feels so full he is sure there must be an actual cavity from where he bleeds all the love and emotions he feels when he holds Lee Jinki in his arms.
“Yeah,” Minho kisses Jinki onto lips and brings his forehead to Jinki’s with a little smile. “I’m happy too.”