Chapter Text
Sometimes Jeongin wishes he hated his father enough to forget the day he left.
It’s impossible to forget. Especially now when he’s standing in front of his window, staring at the sky that’s grey and heavy with dark clouds. They seem like they can’t wait to break into tears.
Jeongin doesn’t only hate the weather, which is unseasonably horrible for the tail end of August. He hates loneliness. He learned the difference between being alone and being lonely when his dad chose to leave his family in misery. And it had been too early for this lesson.
Way too early.
He doesn’t know how he would’ve made it through this difficult time as a four-year-old if Hyunjin hadn’t been there. Their mother Aeri has to single-handedly provide for them so she works most of the day in a clear attempt to distract herself from the cruel pain of being cheated on and then left, sitting on a stack of bills.
Now Jeongin is six and feels like he can conquer the world, but he doesn’t want to without Hyunjin. Without his biggest role model. Without his best friend.
“Innie, please don’t look at me like that,” Hyunjin sighs, zipping up his suitcase. "You know that it’s my dream to dance professionally. Receiving a scholarship for a dance school in Seoul is unreal. I have to take this chance.”
Jeongin presses his lips together, folding his arms. He doesn’t want to smile. It would hurt anyway because of the removable but tight braces that he got recently.
“They also pay for my livelihood,” Hyunjin continues, putting on his jacket. It’s the one from their father. Jeongin has told him an endless number of times to get rid of that old thing, but Hyunjin clings onto it like it was his last string of hope.
“You know that mom works a lot just to feed us. I can’t keep doing this to her,” Hyunjin whispers.
“What do you mean?!” Jeongin snaps at him. “You did a much better job at raising me than she did!”
Hyunjin opens his mouth to answer, just to swallow his words as he looks behind Jeongin.
Jeongin doesn’t even have to turn around to know that their mom is standing behind them. He closes his eyes, taking a few deep breaths.
“I’ll wait for you guys downstairs,” Hyunjin mumbles, brushing past Jeongin and then their mom.
Jeongin clenches his hands into fists, trying to fight back the lump in his throat. The tension leaves his body when he feels a gentle hand on his shoulder, almost as if it brushed off this heavy cloak of shame.
“Come on. Let’s say goodbye to your brother.”
Jeongin turns around.
Aeri has aged a lot the past two years, but she’s still beautiful. Especially today. Jeongin is so used to seeing her in a business suit with perfectly tied hair, her eye bags covered with concealer, and her lips pressed into a thin line. Now she’s wearing jeans and a pink sweater, her hair messily framing her face.
He wants her to dress like this more often again.
“I know you’ll miss him,” Aeri says. “I’ll miss him just as much.” She kneels, smiling weakly.
“I just. I already miss dad,” Jeongin mumbles. “I can’t miss a second person in my life.”
“Oh sweetheart, I know.” Aeri bites her bottom lip, frowning, probably struggling to hold back tears. “I know.” She pulls Jeongin into a hug, caressing his short, black hair.
Without hesitating Jeongin wraps his arms around her neck. He can’t remember the last time he saw his mother cry because she’s really good at hiding her struggles. It’s relieving to feel the wetness of her cheeks on his neck.
“My big boy. You’ve grown so much,” Aeri giggles as she struggles to pick Jeongin up. But she manages eventually and carries him into the corridor.
“I’m the smallest in my class,” Jeongin grumbles.
“I don’t care. For me, you’re the biggest, bestest boy.”
They don’t have a car, so Aeri saved enough money to pay for a cab and a train ticket. She kisses all over Hyunjin’s face and holds onto him so tight that it seems like she won’t ever let go again. But as soon as Hyunjin lets out a dramatic death rattle, she laughs and backs off, tears glistening in her eyes.
Sometimes Jeongin forgets how affectionate and emotional she is, just because she’s barely at home.
“I’m so proud of you,” she says, cupping Hyunjin’s face. "You’ll do amazing.”
“Thanks, mom.” Hyunjin is on the verge of tears too but he tries to hold back because he can never properly talk when he’s crying. He crouches to look at Jeongin, falling completely silent when he sees Jeongin’s misty eyes.
“Innie.” Hyunjin takes Jeongin’s hand. “I won’t be gone forever. I’ll visit you guys.”
Jeongin tilts his head, looking at Hyunjin almost in a challenging way.
“You’ll find great friends. I’m sure.”
Jeongin’s always had trouble finding friends in kindergarten. They both know that. Still. Jeongin believes what Hyunjin says. He believes every single word.
The cab honks, causing Hyunjin to jolt. “Don’t give up. Be strong. And take care of mom.”
Jeongin nods lightly, closing his eyes when he’s embraced in familiar warmth. “Love you,” he whispers.
Hyunjin ruffles through his hair. “Love you more.”
Jeongin stares after the cab even when it turns right and disappears. He doesn’t react to his mom calling him inside, so she lets him take his time.
It feels like the street becomes a canvas for Jeongin’s memories, images of Hyunjin and him playing, Hyunjin teaching him how to ride a bike, Hyunjin coming back with groceries to cook dinner for him.
Jeongin has started crying again, but he doesn’t even bother to wipe his tears away. Hyunjin always told him that crying was strong because you need to practice expressing your emotions. (One of the million reasons why their dad isn’t here anymore.) Maybe it's a dancer thing.
Jeongin jerks when the gate across from him opens.
A boy with black curls steps on the street, holding the leash for his little puppy.
Jeongin knows her name is Berry but he can’t remember the boy’s name. He should probably feel bad because the boy’s family moved to the Gyenam-ro street last year and Jeongin knows nothing except that their last name is Bang and that they’re rich, given that they have two cars and a big house with two floors and a garden just for themselves.
“Oh, are you okay?” the boy asks.
Jeongin doesn’t answer. Not because he doesn’t want to but because his mouth just gets really dry every time somebody talks to him. Especially if it’s somebody older. He brushes away his tears, sniffing.
“Jeongin, right?” The boy rocks back and forth. “Do you need a tissue?”
Jeongin shakes his head.
Before the boy can say anything else, a woman’s voice sounds from the inside. “Chan! You forgot to grab an umbrella!”
“Oh, shoot, right. Coming!” Chan scratches the back of his neck, smiling sheepishly, and Jeongin notices that he has dimples.
“Uh, I’ll see you around!” Chan says before hurrying into the house.
Jeongin frowns. When another gust of wind hits his face, he decides to turn around and head back inside.
“Don’t you want to do something else than just sit here?”
Since school started, Jeongin has been trying his best to spend his afternoons at home, either watching television or playing video games. Maybe it’s his fault that nobody wants to talk to him, but he’s gotten so used to shoving himself into the furthest corner of the room that he doesn’t care enough to break that habit.
It’s not that he doesn’t like people—he doesn’t know them, so how is he supposed to judge anyone? He just knows that he isn’t a very pleasant presence.
His mom told him to smile more often because he looks cute when he does it, but Jeongin doesn’t feel like smiling, especially because he’s still not used to his braces. He’s very aware of his scary face. It’s not the typical “resting bitch face” problem—other kids are genuinely scared of him.
Usually, it’s easy to avoid going outside because his mom is at work most of the time. Her boss, Mr. Kim, gave her one free week because she kept messing up a few accounts. Jeongin’s glad that Mr. Kim is understanding of their difficult situation and took Aeri’s mistakes as a sign of burnout.
“How about I go shopping for dinner and you play with some kids outside?”
Jeongin fiddles with the stick of his chunky N64 controller, not really paying attention to the small screen in front of him. “Where am I supposed to go?”
“Isn’t there a nice park near your school?” Aeri sits down next to Jeongin and takes the controller out of his hands. “Down the street. Do you remember?”
Of course, Jeongin remembers but he still plays dumb and only shrugs.
The weather is stunning, the sky endlessly blue with no cloud in sight, and yet Jeongin can’t imagine that there’s something better than sitting here until he’s one with the leather of the couch.
“I can go with you if you want me to.”
Jeongin wrinkles his nose, taking his feet off the table. Now that would be embarrassing. He knows that he’s a loser but he’s old enough to go outside on his own. “The Jomaru-ro street, right?” he grumbles, throwing on his jacket.
Aeri smiles. “Don’t forget your keys.”
Jeongin knows how to use the bus and read the crucial parts of maps because his mom taught him soon enough. The connections are pretty good and it’s easy to reach the most important institutions and shops from their home. Since Jeongin is a student now, he can use an annual ticket and just take the bus whenever he needs to, which would be practical if there was actually a good reason to go outside.
Admittedly, the park is really beautiful, although Jeongin deems the name Dream Village as a bit over the top. It’s peaceful when he walks down the paths that are asphalted in rings through the park, every kind of flower seated on the areas of grass between them.
His breathing flattens at the many, different impressions accompanied by noises and smells. Kids laughing, screaming, fighting over toys, somebody opening their lunchbox right next to him, pigeons cooing and begging for leftovers, insects buzzing around his ears, parents chatting and disregarding the safety of their children, who are climbing way too high on the playground.
Jeongin doesn’t hate being here, but he isn’t sure if this is a better choice than another boring afternoon at home.
He slowly makes his way to the playground, his heart racing when the soundscape gets louder. He recognizes a few kids from school but they’re so immersed in their game that they don’t notice him until he stands at the bottom of the climbing scaffold.
“Oh, hey, isn’t that the quiet kid?” a boy says.
Jeongin wants the sand beneath his feet to swallow him whole.
“Do you wanna play with us?” Now that the boy smiles Jeongin notices his round cheeks and his heart-shaped smile.
Jeongin snaps his head back up and nods enthusiastically without a second thought. “Sure!”
The next two hours pass by quickly, filled with stupid jokes and a lot of screaming. Jeongin’s surprised that he’s able to produce so many different sounds, from this grumbling at the back of his throat to the snort that he lets out when somebody slips in the sandbox.
“Jisung! Let’s go home!”
“Aww, only five more minutes!” Jisung shouts back.
“You said that half an hour ago,” his mother argues. "Come on!”
Jisung pouts, folding his arms. “Alright, I have to go. But let’s play again! Can you come again tomorrow?”
Jeongin blinks, overwhelmed at how easy it is to talk to Jisung. Jisung doesn’t look at him judgementally, he doesn’t ask stupid questions about his ratty clothes and he doesn’t comment on his braces.
For the first time, it isn't tiring to spend time with somebody else outside of his family.
“Uhm, I think. Yeah, I think I have time.”
“Cool! See you then.” Jisung waves and then runs after his mom.
The other kids have to leave soon (Jeongin can only remember Seungmin’s name) and the park slowly becomes quiet. Jeongin doesn’t know when he has to be at home, but he assumes that his mother would pick him up if he was late already.
Now that most of the people are gone, Jeongin takes his time to observe his surroundings, drinking in the sight of the last few sun streaks breaking through the treetops.
“Hey, kiddo. Get off my slide.”
Jeongin’s smile falters as he looks up.
The boy in front of him seems maybe two years older. Jeongin swears he had seen him on the
school grounds before, but that doesn’t play any role when the boy picks him up by the collar so easily that Jeongin’s heart hits his stomach.
Jeongin’s always been rather short and scrawny. It’s not his mother’s fault because she always buys food and cooks as much as she can, but Jeongin feels guilty for eating away her money and rather leaves his plate for her, so she can eat the leftovers when she returns from a long shift.
Now he regrets it because he can’t even raise his hands to protect his face or neck. The next second he’s pushed to the ground, grains of sand burning in his eyes, grinding his tongue, and scratching his face.
“Are you stupid? Everybody knows that the playground’s mine after five o'clock.”
Jeongin spits out some sand, coughing. “I… I can’t read the clock?”
When he hears laughter, he realizes that the boy isn’t alone. There are two or three more, but his sight is blurry and it feels like the sand is eating his eyeballs away. Jeongin is relieved when he starts crying as the sand gets washed out, but he also knows that he looks pathetic.
“Eww, look at those ugly braces. He wears a tooth cage because his teeth are so terrible.”
Jeongin doesn’t know if the words or the fingernails digging into his scalp burn more but he assumes it’s the former when his chest contracts so heavily that he has trouble breathing. He isn’t really a believer but he silently starts praying as he’s dragged across the sandbox, just to yelp as the boy lets go of him suddenly.
“What are you doing here?!”
“I think I could ask you the same question, hyung.”
Jeongin lifts his head, feeling dizzy from being thrown around like a ragdoll. He blinks in an attempt to get rid of the sand, unable to use his hands that are covered in dust and dirt. There are two blurry silhouettes in his field of view now, one of them holding a leash.
“Chan, get out of here. This is none of your business.”
“I think it is if you’re hurting somebody who has no way of defending themselves.” Chan’s voice is firm—a lot different from the last time Jeongin heard it. “Now get out of here.”
“Or else?”
Chan huffs. “You don’t want me to tell the rest of the class that I always have to help with your homework, do you?”
The boy falls silent and although Jeongin can’t see properly, he can feel the tension, the anger, the frustration radiating from him.
“You would never. You’re not the type to—”
“Blackmail someone? Correct. So we both agree that nobody wants to see me really angry.” A hollow laugh slips out of Chan’s mouth. “Right?”
Jeongin closes his eyes, imagining himself safely tucked in his bed where he doesn’t need to worry about the rest of the world. The image gets so strong that he almost doesn’t feel the hands grabbing his arms.
“They’re gone. Don’t worry.”
Jeongin sniffs, lifting his dirty hands just to remember that he can’t rub the sand away.
“Wait. I have a water bottle.” Chan cramps in his backpack to get out said bottle and some tissues. “Is it okay if I wash your face?”
Jeongin just nods, whimpering at the stinging pain.
“Shhh, you’ll be fine. Just lean back and relax.”
Chan’s hands are rough but feel kind of gentle on Jeongin’s irritated skin. Jeongin sighs in relief when water runs over his forehead, eyes, and cheeks. He reaches out for Chan’s hand to guide it to the source of pain, yelping as the cold liquid flushes the majority of sand out of his eyes.
“Can you open your eyes?”
Jeongin’s eyelids flutter tentatively.
“It’s okay. Most of the sand is out.”
Jeongin opens his eyes, peering through a haze of wetness.
“I’m going to wash the rest away now, alright?”
Jeongin hums in agreement, his shoulders relaxing when Chan carefully drips more water into his eyes, wiping away the wet sand from his cheeks. As soon as he’s done, he brushes Jeongin’s hair out of his face, pressing the thumb of his free hand on Jeongin’s chin to guide his head back. “You wanna rinse your mouth?”
After Jeongin is done, he washes his hands in the small fountain next to the playground, his knees shaking.
Chan sits down on the edge of the fountain, waiting for him to finish. “Are you okay? Maybe you should go and see the doctor.”
It’s ridiculous how the sun shines on Chan’s back, creating some sort of glow around his frame. It’s so ridiculous because Jeongin is sure he would see him just like this even if it was raining today.
“You’re pretty quiet,” Chan chuckles. "But you don’t have to be scared anymore.”
“I’m not scared.”
Chan tilts his head. “It’s not easy to put up with somebody who's trying to hurt you, so it’s okay to be scared. You were really brave regardless.”
Jeongin frowns. He feels like he’s just been flushed down the toilet like an ugly, dead fish. Something disposable and unworthy. He doesn’t feel brave at all.
“His name is Junhoe. He has a lot of problems at home,” Chan explains. "It doesn’t excuse anything, but I wanted to let you know. Let you know that this wasn’t your fault.”
Jeongin averts his gaze, looking at his reflection in the water that isn’t exactly clean anymore, but he can tell the difference between their postures. Chan sits with his back straight but also relaxed, his hands with the leash dangling between his legs. In contrast to that, Jeongin’s curled up, his shoulders trembling from the shock.
“I’m here with my bike. If you want to, I can bring you home,” Chan offers, smiling. And there they are again. The dimples.
“I have a bus ticket.”
Chan hums. “Hm, I don’t feel so good about letting you go all by yourself.”
Jeongin clicks his tongue, fiddling with the frayed hem of his jacket. “Why?” He doesn’t understand why his heart beats faster at the thought of Chan coming with him. Maybe it’s the rest of the adrenaline circulating in his body.
“You remind me a bit of my little brother Lucas. I’d never let him walk by himself either," Chan says, smiling.
Hyunjin’s smile flashes in front of Jeongin’s inner eye simultaneously, and before Jeongin can think twice, he agrees.
It’s comfortable to sit on Chan’s bicycle rack because it’s upholstered. Probably because he drives his siblings around a lot. Jeongin carries Chan’s backpack or else he couldn’t sit behind Chan, but it’s so light that he doesn’t even feel the weight.
He doesn’t realize how exhausted he actually is until he slumps forward and bumps Chan’s back with his face. Before he can even stutter an apology Chan says that he should hold onto him or else he’ll fall off.
It feels nice to hug Chan from behind. Secure.
“Alright, here we are,” Chan announces, smiling at his hackling puppy. "Poor girl. But you’ll be sleeping well tonight.” He swings his leg over his bike and takes his backpack off Jeongin’s delicate shoulders. “Thanks for carrying my stuff.”
Jeongin is at a loss for words because obviously, he should be the one thanking Chan. Once again his throat feels so tight that he can’t make a single sound.
“It’s dangerous to be alone, so make sure you stay with someone in the future,” Chan suggests, petting Berry’s head.
“But you were alone too.”
Chan chuckles. “Not true. I had Berry with me.”
Jeongin rolls his eyes, the ghost of a smile tugging at the corners of his mouth. It’s impossible to not smile around Chan.
Jeongin doesn’t know if he likes it.
“Alright, I have to go inside. My mom’s waiting with dinner,” Chan says, opening the gate.
Jeongin bites his lower lip. “Hyung.”
“Yeah?” Chan looks over his shoulder.
“Please, don’t tell my mom about any of this.” Jeongin stares at the ground, shame tingling the tip of his ears.
“Uhm, sure.” Chan tilts his head to the side. “Is there any reason?”
Jeongin knows that his mom has enough on her plate. She doesn’t only pay bills but also worries about losing custody of him since she has been called unstable a lot of times. Sometimes Jeongin thinks that she will die because of mental overload.
“I’m just embarrassed.”
“There’s nothing to be embarrassed about. Everybody needs help sometimes.”
Jeongin swallows so loud that he’s sure that Chan has heard it. “I know. But still.”
Chan sighs. “Yeah, alright. I promise to not tell her.”
“Thank you.”
Although Jeongin and Chan don’t talk a lot, it feels like they’re somewhat closer. It’s not that Jeongin doesn’t want to spend more time with Chan. He’s just scared.
Besides, Chan is a popular kid—everybody wants to hang out with him. So what makes Jeongin so special?
Well, at least he’s special enough to be greeted every time their ways cross.
Time passes fast. The fastest it has ever passed. It isn’t even bad because he feels the pain—the pain of missing Hyunjin, the pain of seeing his mother constantly overworking herself, the pain of being ridiculed for his braces—not as much as he usually would.
Maybe because for the first time in forever there’s something positive happening to him.
Without Jeongin’s agreement, Jisung has become a constant in his life. It starts with daily games on the playground and evolves into meetings after school until Jisung stays overnight for the first time, not even batting an eyelash at Jeongin’s poor housing situation.
Jeongin is scared about letting another person come that close again, so he still shields himself away sometimes. But Jisung never questions it. He just wants to play all day. It’s refreshing and exactly what Jeongin needs in his boring routine.
Hyunjin calls a lot because he’s really homesick but Jeongin can hear how much he loves his dance school every time he talks about it.
Jeongin remains somewhat bitter, but he knows that he can’t direct his anger towards Hyunjin, who tries his best to visit every vacation, even when he just has a few days off. Aeri cries every single time he comes home, and although she keeps stressing that she’s proud of Hyunjin for being so independent, she still treats him like her little boy.
Jeongin shouldn’t be mad that Hyunjin can’t come over for his birthday because a) his birthday is every year and b) Hyunjin promised to spend the entire spring vacation at home to make up for missing out this time.
Maybe Jeongin would be less bothered if he could at least invite Jisung, but this weekend of all weekends Jisung will be on a short trip with his family. At first, Aeri wanted to take the day off to celebrate with Jeongin but he doesn’t need to feel guilty on his birthday, so he tried talking her out of it.
He definitely inherited his stubbornness from his mother, so they have to make a compromise and agree on the plan of her coming home earlier instead of canceling the entire shift.
Jeongin has become content with the fact that he’ll spend the majority of his birthday alone. In the end, it’s just another day. Another day he can spend sitting in the living room, switching the few channels on their TV.
He almost has a heart attack when he hears the bell ringing. It can’t be his mom because it’s too early for her to come home and she’s also never forgotten her keys.
Jeongin stands up.
Of course, his mom taught him to not open the doors for strangers, but he is curious. Taking a look through the spyhole won’t hurt anybody, so he pushes a stool in front of the door to climb up and look at who's on the other side.
“Jeongin, it’s me.”
Jeongin blinks in surprise, standing on the stool as if he was frozen.
“Come on. I know you’re at home.”
Finally, Jeongin kicks the stool away and opens the door. His face grows warm when he’s met with Chan’s dimpled smile.
“Happy Birthday!”
Jeongin looks at the chocolate cake with a candle in the shape of a seven. “Wha—But I don’t—” He shakes his head in disbelief. “How do you know it’s my birthday?”
“Your mom told my mom,” Chan says, handing over the cake. "She comes over for tea every weekend. Didn’t you know?”
Jeongin did know, but he wasn’t expecting her to openly share information about the family. Similar to Jeongin, Aeri is cautious when it comes to strangers but maybe it’s wrong of Jeongin to consider the Bang family, their neighbors, as strangers.
“Uh, yeah, my mom made this cake! So I hope you and your mom…” Chan peeks inside, frowning. “She isn’t here?”
Jeongin shakes his head.
“Oh.” Chan sucks in his breath sharply. “I just thought because it’s your birthday she—”
“Don’t you dare judge her,” Jeongin grumbles. He knows his mom isn’t perfect but there isn’t anybody who could do her job better, although everybody seems to think that given that a lot of parents are more than happy to share unsolicited criticism.
Chan lifts his hands in defense. “I wasn’t trying to judge her. I’m actually impressed that she works so hard.” He scratches the back of his neck. “Uhm, well, it’s kind of sad to spend your birthday all alone, isn't it?”
Jeongin shrugs. “Whatever. Who cares?”
“I do.”
The response comes without any hesitation and it does something to Jeongin. He isn’t sure what this feeling is, but it tingles his chest, warmth unfurling around his heart.
“If you want to, you can come over. Lucas has a very impressive collection of cars, so—”
“You mean real cars?”
Chan furrows his brows, laughing sheepishly. “Uhm, no. I mean, they’re like… tiny and—”
Jeongin snorts with laughter. “You’re so stupid.”
Chan stares at him, baffled. “Oh. Oh. You were joking. Right.” He can’t help but laugh as well.
Jeongin looks at the cake in his hands. It looks mouth-watering, chocolate coating molding around the edges of the biscuit that looks as soft as a cloud. He doesn’t know how long it’s been since he ate cake the last time. There’s never time or money to properly celebrate something like birthdays.
“Come on. It’ll be fun,” Chan encourages him. “You can also play with Berry!”
Jeongin hesitates. “I’m waiting for my mom.”
“Oh, we can tell her to come over as soon as she’s done with work.” Chan extends his hand. “Don’t be like this. It’s your day.”
Jeongin smiles shyly and takes Chan’s hand. He notices the roughness of Chan’s palm, wondering how much time he spends outside. As far as he knows, Chan’s really sporty, given that he always runs around in trunks and t-shirts.
The house of the Bang family is stunning.
Pristine white tiles shining under the light of the bright, round lamps hanging from the high ceiling. A spacious living room with soft sofas, a massive flat-screen television, a noble, expensive-looking piano made out of wood, and shelves upon shelves with movies, albums, and books sorted in neat rows. A modern kitchen with white cabinets and black marble countertops and a fridge so big that it should be able to feed the entirety of Bucheon.
What catches Jeongin’s attention the most is the collection of framed pictures on the walls. Happy family photos, baby pictures, shots of Chan riding a balance bike, images of his little sister’s face with ice cream smeared all over it.
Jeongin’s heart aches because the last time his family took a picture was when they were still—
No. Not whole. His family is still whole.
He has his mom. He has Hyunjin. They don’t need anybody.
Still. Jeongin can’t help but get jealous of Chan, who seems to have such a perfect family with such a perfect house and such a perfect collection of photos on such a perfect wall. No wonder Chan is such a good person.
Jeongin’s sure that everybody with such a happy childhood has to become some sort of saint.
“Oh! Jeongin! It’s so nice to see you.”
Jeongin has seen Chan’s mother a few times but they’ve never really talked, so he automatically backs off when she comes closer.
Apparently, she doesn’t mind and crouches to talk to him at eye level. “Happy Birthday.”
She smiles, taking the cake out of his hands, and lifts her head a bit to look at Chan, who's standing behind Jeongin. “I can cut the cake. Does somebody want cocoa?”
“Me, me, me!” Chan’s sister jumps from the couch and runs into the kitchen to get some mugs.
Jeongin looks around helplessly and without realizing it, he grabs Chan’s hand again.
Chan chuckles, rubbing his thumb over the back of Jeongin’s hand. “Right, I haven’t properly introduced everybody,” he says. "Yeah, that’s my mom. Obviously.”
“You can call me mom too,” Chan’s mom offers, taking out a knife and a cutting board.
“Uhm, okay, yeah,” Jeongin mumbles, still a bit surprised by how close Aeri and Sooyoung actually are.
“That’s Hannah and over there is Lucas,” Chan says, pointing at his siblings. "And yeah. You already know Berry.”
He looks at the clock. “Hm, my dad isn’t home yet but maybe you’ll see him later.”
Jeongin doesn’t know what to do, still standing on the same spot with the soles of his feet burning, but he loses a bit of tension when Hannah asks him whether he wanted the mug with Winnie Pooh or the one with the blue butterflies. He even cracks a smile as Lucas offers him some toys.
The cake tastes heavenly, pieces of chocolate crunching in his mouth between the moist texture, and he sighs loudly. He can’t help but let his shoulders drop when he thinks about Hyunjin missing out on this.
“Are you alright?” Sooyoung asks, worried.
Jeongin swallows the last bite and wipes his mouth clean. “It’s my brother. I miss him.”
“Oh, right, Aeri told me about him. He’s at a dance school in Seoul, isn’t he? That’s really impressive.”
Jeongin nods, smiling because of the proudness blooming in his chest. Right. Hyunjin is in Seoul, following his dreams. He should brag more about his awesome brother.
“But he’ll come over for vacation, right?” Chan asks.
Jeongin hums and takes a sip of his drink.
“I think you guys can catch up on everything then,” Sooyoung says, smiling.
When Aeri shows up, Jeongin is immersed in Lucas’ impressive car collection, but what’s even more impressive is Lucas’ knowledge. Jeongin likes people who talk a lot because it makes him feel less awkward, and he’s genuinely interested in what Lucas has to say.
Aeri smiles at the sight of Jeongin pointing at cars, his mouth in an o-shape before he proceeds to ask more questions about the different models.
Sooyoung offers her some coffee and the two mothers chat while the kids decide to go into the garden at the back of the house.
Chan teaches how to properly play soccer just to be screwed over by Jeongin, Hannah, and Lucas who decide to use their united force against him. They invent different mini-games and fill the time with so much laughter that Jeongin’s stomach hurts.
When Chan’s dad Byungho comes home, Sooyoung offers Jeongin and Aeri to stay for dinner but Aeri declines the offer politely since she’s already shopped for groceries to cook Jeongin’s favorite meal.
“Oh, but we definitely need to have a barbecue sometime! Byungho has a great passion for grilling.”
At home, Aeri prepares dinner. Jeongin's sitting in the kitchen, drawing pictures of today. He smiles at the thought of Berry chasing the ball, of Hannah pushing Lucas into the dirt just to be pulled with him, and of Chan carrying his siblings around as if they were his entire world.
Chan.
Without noticing Jeongin writes down his name. His stomach tingles when he realizes what he’s doing, and he turns the paper around.
“What a nice day,” Aeri says, chopping vegetables.
“Yeah, it was really nice.”
Aeri pours sauce into the pan, causing sizzling noises. “I’m glad you’ve found some friends. Keep going like this.”
Jeongin’s mouth twitches in an attempt to hold back a wide grin. “I will.”
It becomes a routine for Jeongin to come over and play. He doesn’t even need to announce his visits anymore.
Hannah and Lucas are great to play with but they also have other friends, so it doesn’t happen too rarely that they’re out of the house when Jeongin comes over.
Actually, Jeongin expects Chan to be outside all the time as well but he always waits for his visits.
It doesn’t take long until Chan takes Jeongin with him everywhere. They often go to the park so Jeongin can play with Jisung and Seungmin while Chan checks on his friends from school. Sooner or later they say goodbye to them and just stray around the city.
Chan knows this area of Bucheon very well and introduces Jeongin to all of his favorite places like the little supermarket Mini Stop next to their school, the sports shop one block away from their home, or his favorite diner near the main street.
Jeongin doesn’t understand why Chan likes spending time with him so much, but the feeling is mutual, so he doesn’t complain. Although he feels more connected to Jisung since he's around Jeongin's age, he trusts Chan more which predominantly shows in the way he handles skinship with him.
Chan is a very cuddly person. He hugs Jeongin a lot, takes his hand to lead him, or ruffles through his hair because he says that it makes Jeongin look brave and wild like a true adventurer. Usually, Jeongin would just hit every person who dares to touch him but after two years of knowing Chan, he can endure physical affection to at least some extent.
“Come on. Let’s play another round!” Jisung begs.
“Sorry, but Chan wants to go to the Mini Stop and buy some snacks. Maybe I can join later again,” Jeongin says, looking at Chan who’s talking to his friends.
Junhoe and his group stand nearby, but he doesn’t dare to even cough in Jeongin’s direction. Not if Chan’s here.
Jisung crosses his arms, shaking his head. “I still can’t believe you hang out with Chan,” he mumbles. "He’s like the coolest kid in the city. Probably the whole world.”
Jeongin grins. He would lie if he said he wasn’t flattered by the amount of attention that Chan’s willing to give him any time. “Well. Isn’t that a sign that I’m just as cool?”
Before Jisung can answer, Chan calls for Jeongin. “Innie! Let’s go.”
“Okay, see you later,” Jeongin says, his eyes on Chan already.
It’s not like they have to hurry because of closing times. Mini Stop is open for twenty-four hours but Chan wants to have a little picnic in the park to watch the sunset. Jeongin doesn’t exactly understand why because he’d never asked to do that before.
“Hello, Mr. Choi,” Chan chirps as soon as they enter the little shop.
The chubby man behind the blue countertop smiles. He’s in his mid-fifties and has no hair—Jeongin thinks his head has the perfect egg shape to be bald. It makes him look so… harmless.
“Hello!” Mr. Choi smiles. “How can I help you?”
“We just want to grab some snacks,” Chan says. “Oh!” He points at Mr. Choi’s wrist. “Is that the watch you talked about last week?”
Mr. Choi looks at his wrist, almost as if he had forgotten his purchase. “It is! I’m surprised you remember.”
Chan chuckles. “I’m just really impressed by your knowledge about jewelry. My mom wants to buy some earrings but she doesn’t know what’s high quality and sustainable. I thought that you could maybe help her.”
“Sure, sure! Do you know what she has in mind?”
Although Jeongin knows Mr. Choi pretty well at this point, he prefers to let Chan take over for the talking part. He will probably never stop admiring Chan’s ability to tie into conversations so smoothly. He tried to imitate him a lot of times but it never comes that naturally, so he just stays back, the conversation between Chan and Mr. Choi fading from his focus of attention.
The shop is completely white save for the orange stripe pattern on the walls. There are two shelves in the middle of the room, one for hygiene products and the other one for microwave food, a stand with a small selection of vegetables and fruits squished in between them. The shelves on the walls are filled with a variety of snacks from sweet to sour to salty, different kinds of chips, chocolate bars and crackers sorted according to color and size, waiting to be bought. A fridge is also squeezed in between those shelves to store cold drinks.
Jeongin looks back at Mr. Choi and Chan, his eyes slowly wandering over the showcase with hot dogs to the ice cream machine. He smiles when he remembers Chan buying ice cream for him in their first summer together.
Since Mr. Choi and Chan are still talking he decides to tug at the hem of Chan’s black shirt before pressing his forehead between Chan’s shoulder blades.
Chan stops talking and turns around. “Do you need something?" he asks.
“I want to buy snacks today,” Jeongin mumbles.
“Oh, I see, I’m stealing Chan away from you,” Mr. Choi says, laughing. Then he looks over his shoulder. “Well, I have to sort some stuff in the storage, so just call me when you’re done.”
Chan looks at Jeongin. “Alright, what do you want? Pick anything.”
Jeongin raises an eyebrow. “Anything?”
“Sure. I’ve been saving up some pocket money.”
Jeongin doesn’t need long, reaching out for the snacks almost blindly, the blueprint of this shop saved in his brain. After his little tour, he hands over a bag of honey butter chips, a box of peperos, and two small cartons of pineapple juice.
Chan looks at his choice, frowning. “Innie, those are my favorite snacks.”
“No shit, Captain Obvious.”
Chan gasps, pressing his hand on Jeongin’s mouth. “No cursing!”
Jeongin giggles, grabbing Chan’s wrist to pull it away. “Oh, come on. Just pay or we’ll miss the sunset.”
When they’re back at the park most kids are already gone and Jeongin likes the peaceful soundscape of the birds chirping and the wind rustling through the leaves. Chan always teases him, saying that Jeongin seems old when he complains about screaming kids, and Jeongin always comes back with a “But you’re still older than me, grandpa” joke.
Chan observes how Jeongin shoves a whole stack of chips into his mouth without even struggling. “I don’t understand how you can fit so much food into your mouth.”
“Years of training,” Jeongin answers, muffled because he’s still chewing. He swallows loudly and takes a sip of his pineapple juice. “Hyunjin’s competitive. I learned that I had to eat my food in one bite or not at all.”
Chan chuckles. “I see.” He tilts his head. “You’re like Kirby. Although you’re cuter.”
“I’m not cute,” Jeongin protests, hitting Chan’s arm.
They share the rest of the snacks, talking about their plans for this summer. Jeongin can’t wait to eat ice cream, go for a swim, sit on the back of Chan’s bike, and play outside. There are so many things to be excited about but the best part of summer is Chan.
It’s always Chan.
“So I started taking pilates classes and God, they’re so hard. I don’t understand how people can—Innie?”
Jeongin jerks, his grip around his phone tightening. “I’m sorry, what were you talking about?”
Hyunjin chuckles. “I was talking about my pilates classes.” He lets out a shaky breath. “I also met somebody there! His name’s Minho. He’s two years older than me and the best at hip hop.”
“Sounds cool.” Jeongin rocks back and forth.
“Something is bothering you.”
Jeongin sighs. “It’s not exactly bothering me, but…” He shrugs, although he knows that Hyunjin can’t see him. “Since Chan entered middle school things have been kinda weird.”
“What do you mean by ‘weird’?”
“I think his interests are changing. I mean, I know that he meets with other people. That’s not the problem.”
“You’re just scared that he’ll leave you behind at some point.”
Jeongin didn’t realize that he had been holding his breath until he exhales shakily. “Uhm, yeah. I guess.”
“That’s valid, but Chan would never abandon you. Even if there might be times when your ways part, I’m sure you’ll find back to each other.”
Jeongin frowns, the corners of his mouth curling up. “You’ve been watching too many K-dramas.”
“Oh, shut up.” Hyunjin laughs loudly.
“I just think there are so many people who are so much cooler than me,” Jeongin whispers, his throat tight.
Hyunjin hums. “Well, who says that Chan can’t spend time with you and his other friends?”
Jeongin’s never considered meeting Chan’s friends because he still has trouble getting to know people.
“Think about it. I’m sure Chan will be happy if you ask him.”
Jeongin sighs because he knows that Chan will always be understanding. Sweet. Incredible. The best.
“Anyways, how is mom doing?”
“Working too much. As always.”
Hyunjin groans. “Of course. Honestly, she should start dating again.”
Jeongin gasps. “Are you crazy? I don’t want a stranger to move in!”
“I’m not saying that she should get married again. But have you seen her? When was the last time she had fun?”
Jeongin leans against the wall, pressing his lips together. Of course, he wants his mom to be happy but he doesn’t see the solution in another man. Right now he is the only male specimen in this apartment and it should stay just like this.
“Isn’t mom too… old to date?”
“Oh come on, she’s barely forty. And she looks really good! Maybe we should set her up.”
Jeongin gags, shuddering at the thought of playing Cupid. “Oh, eww, God. Don't get me into this whole love thing.”
“Oh, but you love me!”
“Not if you keep talking like this.”
“Ouch.” Hyunjin giggles. “Alright. Maybe try something else. How about a spa day at home?”
“Okay, yeah. I’ll ask Chan to help me with that,” Jeongin agrees. Not that he knows a lot about that kind of stuff but it’s a better option than browsing through dating apps. “Or I’ll ask his mom.”
“Perfect.” Hyunjin’s smile radiates through the phone. “I have to go but I’ll call you soon.”
Jeongin nods. “Okay.”
“Miss you.”
“Miss you more.”
It should be weird that Jeongin has never met Chan’s best friend before. Of course, he knows basic facts about him like his name and age, but he has never said a single word to Changbin.
“Are you nervous?” Chan asks, his eyes fixated on the screen.
Jeongin was surprised when he found out that Chan has a game console because in his imagination Chan is out all day, playing sports, meeting his friends, and maybe saving puppies from the cruelty of the streets.
It feels like a privilege to sit next to Chan, curling up against his chest, watching him play with his Xbox. His parents work a lot (which shouldn’t be a surprise since they can afford such a big house), so Hannah and Lucas are with their friends most of the time, but they deem Chan as old enough to stay at home by himself.
He knows that Chan barely lets anybody visit him, not necessarily because he’s super private about his life outside of school. But he usually isn’t home most of the time and it doesn't seem like anybody would be interested in asking to come over.
Well, except Jeongin.
“Why should I be nervous?”
Chan shrugs, leaning his head against Jeongin’s. “Because you’d never asked about meeting Changbin before. Or my friends in general.”
Jeongin doesn’t know what to say and draws patterns on Chan’s thigh.
It’s easy to talk to Chan. They talk all day, about school, about TV shows, about how many peperos Jeongin can fit into his mouth. But whenever it’s about feelings Jeongin shuts down, every word turning into a salad of letters in his head.
“You’re afraid that I’ll forget you, hm?”
Jeongin looks up with pursed lips but there's a glimmer in his eyes—the kind of glimmer that reveals how scared he actually is. “It’s stupid.”
“It’s not,” Chan argues, throwing his console away. He starts tickling Jeongin, who tries to slide away and grab a pillow to hit him. They wrestle a bit on the couch until Chan hovers over Jeongin, both of them panting, grinning at each other.
“No, but seriously. I’d never want to leave you,” Chan says with a tone so heavy that the weight on top of Jeongin almost feels overwhelming.
Jeongin hopes his face isn’t as red as it feels. Usually, he’d push Chan away, laughing his embarrassment off, but there’s something so suffocating about the way Chan looks at him.
Before he can say anything the doorbell cuts through the tension like a knife.
“Oh, Bin is here!” Chan says unnecessarily and jumps from the couch to open the door.
Changbin seems like the quiet, dark, emo-kid that always wears black and listens to metalcore all day but as soon as he starts talking, Jeongin realizes how soft-spoken he is, along with his mannerisms.
Changbin and Chan bicker a lot, but it’s different from the way Chan and Jeongin do, although Jeongin can’t quite put his finger on it. Maybe it’s just the age gap. Sometimes he forgets that he’s three and a half years younger than Chan.
“My mom bought me a bigger launchpad,” Changbin says, opening his backpack.
“What? No way!” Chan squeals at the sight of the colorful buttons.
Jeongin knows that Chan has a great passion for music (he’s played piano for him before) but he’s never thought about the possibility of him making music with others. Changbin and Chan fall into a smooth conversation where they don’t even have to finish their sentences for the other to understand.
“Oh sorry, you’re probably bored,” Changbin says when he sees Jeongin’s apathetic face.
“Hm, no, it’s fine,” Jeongin mumbles, smiling shyly.
Chan looks at his laptop, humming. Then he closes his music program and stands up. “Hey, let’s go to the Mini Stop. You have your bike, right, Bin?”
Jeongin wouldn’t have minded if they had just continued their music thing but he’s still happy when he sits on Chan’s bike again, the wind tickling his face, as they rush down the street to their small happy place.
Hyunjin always said that life will turn upside down once Jeongin leaves primary school but it doesn’t feel as dramatic as expected. At first.
One big advantage is that he goes to the same school as Jisung, who’s a year above him. His peers are growing up and they stop making stupid jokes about his braces. It doesn’t get easier to make friends but it gets easier to stay in school without the urge to fling himself out of the next window.
Chan is in his first year of high school now, and it should be fine. He and Jeongin have always been separated in school, beginning from their different classrooms to their different subject matters. Chan likes to help Jeongin with his homework but now that classes are getting more intense he has less time to play outside.
That’s another thing. Maybe he doesn’t want to play anymore. Chan’s fifteen years old and suddenly seems so much older now, especially because his birthday is already in October. Jeongin knows that their age difference is technically still the same but now it feels like there are whole planetary constellations between them.
His mom said that it’s natural for them to find their own friend groups, but Jeongin isn’t so sure what he thinks about that. He sees Chan hanging around with new people every other week and wonders if he's actually friends with them.
Everybody knows Chan’s name and Chan knows everybody’s name, but that doesn’t mean anything. Because people don’t know that Chan’s favorite snacks are honey butter chips and peperos. Because people don’t know that Chan prefers to sleep on his right side, facing the wall. Because people don’t know that Chan stims uncontrollably when you make him genuinely happy.
Still. If Chan wants to meet other people, Jeongin has no right to dictate that. His anger and frustration last for weeks until he starts talking with Seungmin who sits next to him in most classes.
When he learns that Seungmin and Jisung see each other outside of school, he decides to merge them into a little group. A group that can’t harm him.
Maybe it is time to grow up, after all.
“Have you ever been in love?”
The question is so sudden that Jeongin almost drops his controller. He frowns, pressing his lips to a thin line and staring at the television screen as if it was the one asking and not Jisung who sits right next to him.
“I mean, you and Chan—”
Jeongin gags. It’s a pure reflex. Jisung babbles a lot of nonsense but he rarely hits a weak spot because he never asks invasive questions. However, this one. This one balances on the very edge of the cliff above the roaring ocean of Jeongin’s screaming thoughts.
Jisung snorts with laughter. “Sorry, I’m just… forget it.” His cheeks are pink from embarrassment and he picks up the controller to continue the game.
The easier option is to just carry on and forget about Jisung’s slip-up but Aeri’s taught Jeongin that his choices should be based on what’s good for the people around him if they don’t harm him. So he pauses the game and takes the controller out of Jisung’s hand.
“No, I’m curious now,” he says, turning around to sit cross-legged on the couch and look at Jisung, noticing the nervous trembling of his arms and the sweat rolling down his neck.
“I think... I think that—,” Jisung stutters, "I trust you, Innie. And I just…”
Jeongin blanches.
No. It can't be. They're friends. Great friends. He doesn't want to lose that. He can't lose that.
“There is a boy in my class. He moved here recently.”
Jeongin exhales, relieved. “Oh. So you like him?”
Jisung shrugs. “I don’t know? At first, I thought that he’s just really cool but—” He groans, ruffling through his hair. “My heart does weird things when he talks to me. It gets really difficult to breathe.”
“Damn, maybe you should see a doctor.”
Jisung looks at Jeongin with pursed lips before breaking into laughter again. “No, but seriously. I don’t know what to do. I’ve never felt like this before. What does love outside of your family feel like?”
It’s humiliating how Chan’s face pops up in Jeongin’s head immediately. He knows that he feels a lot for Chan, although he’d never admit it. But now that he’s thinking about it he isn’t even sure what kind of love he feels.
If he can even call it “love” in the first place.
“I don’t know,” he mumbles.
“Maybe…” Jisung exhales. “Maybe you’re in love if you can’t stand seeing this person with somebody else. That’s what I always hear.”
Jeongin furrows his brows, tapping his chin. “Well, maybe you need to spend some time with him outside of school to find out.”
Jisung squeaks. “I can’t just go and ask him.” He sighs and buries his face in his pillow before he screams. Then he falls back against the couch, staring at the ceiling.
The thought of playing Cupid makes Jeongin still want to throw up but this is Jisung. Happy, sunshine Jisung. He’s never really seen him that small and defeated and he hates it.
“You can ask him to come with us. Maybe we can invite Seungmin too,” Jeongin suggests.
Jisung’s head shoots up. “Really?”
“Sure.” Jeongin smiles. “We can do a bike tour and, I don’t know, eat ice cream.”
Jisung chuckles. “Oh, so you actually use your bike?”
Jeongin blushes, slapping Jisung’s arm.
Although he doesn’t meet Chan as often anymore, Chan still drives him around from time to time. Jeongin’s bike is just gathering dust at this point but maybe that’s a sign to do something about it.
“But yeah, I’ll ask him,” Jisung says. “Thanks, Innie.”
Jeongin sighs, wrapping an arm around Jisung’s shoulders. “But just for the record: This is the first and the last time I’m playing matchmaker.”
Jeongin should be glad that Jisung is struggling with his crush because it helps him to distract himself from Chan. Of course, he’s happy that Chan has so much fun with many different people around his age. People who don’t just ask for snacks and want to play in the park all day. People who do cool stuff like…
Actually, Jeongin has no idea what “cool” teenagers do in their free time. But in his imagination, they go to parties, dance, maybe flirt, make out in the corner of a shitty apartment, or whatever their hormones tell them to do. It feels like there isn’t enough room for Jeongin anymore but that doesn’t change the fact that he misses Chan.
He decides it’s stupid to take so much pride in his fake disinterest. Chan’s always been the one initiating meetings, so Jeongin decides that it’s time to turn the tables.
He knows when Chan goes out for a walk with Berry, so it’s fairly easy to head him off. “Hyung!”
“Oh, hi!” Chan says, closing the gate behind him with Berry’s leash in his free hand. He smiles and Jeongin stares at his dimples for a second too long.
“Are you free this afternoon?” Jeongin asks. “I thought we could get some snacks and watch movies. It’s been a while.”
Chan’s smile drops. “Oh.” He scrunches up his nose, pulling his shoulders up as if he remembered something unpleasant. “Sorry, some older boys asked me to play soccer with them today.”
It’s Jeongin’s fault.
He should’ve set up a better plan and paid more attention to Chan’s schedule, so the rejection shouldn’t hurt that bad. His face is burning with embarrassment and it takes him every ounce of willpower to not storm inside immediately.
This is still Bang Chan, one of the most popular students. Jeongin can’t believe that he was stupid enough to think that he can just ask Chan to come over as if he had some sort of privilege.
“Right. No, i-it’s fine,” he stammers. “I know that, uh, watching movies is boring. I’m sorry I asked.”
The following look they share is physically painful for Jeongin—he’s surprised that he can still breathe.
Chan frowns. “What? No, it’s not that. I really want to spend time with you again,” he says firmly. “It’s just… a lot of people ask me out.”
“Yeah, I know. I’m sorry. It’s fine,” Jeongin mutters, pulling his head back. Right. What is he so arrogant for? He’s probably just used to Chan giving him all the attention in the world but he can’t babysit him forever.
Then why does it hurt so much? People always move on and become bored with the same person after a while. Jeongin should’ve learned that from his dad. Rejection isn’t the end of the world, although it’s eating him from the inside.
“I’ll make it up to you,” Chan hurries to say. “We can—”
“No, you don’t need to. It’s fine,” Jeongin repeats, emphasizing the last part of his statement. He doesn’t wait for an answer and runs inside, not caring about how childish it seems.
Since he doesn’t want to cry, he starts doing his homework in a weak attempt to distract himself from the sting he feels in his chest. It isn’t the best method but he makes it through the next hour without shedding a single tear.
His mom asked him to clean his room, so he decides to move on to that but before he can grab the basket with his freshly washed clothes the telephone rings. He drops the basket as if it was trash and leaves his room.
Somebody calling at this hour? This has to be Hyunjin. Hyunjin, who always listens to him although he lives more than an hour away from here.
Jeongin’s jaw drops almost comedically when Jisung warbles a gushing greeting into his ear. “Innie~ my love.”
“What the hell do you want?”
Jisung sucks in his breath sharply as if he was deeply hurt by Jeongin’s annoyed tone. “You know the game center, right? My mom gave me some money and wanted me to invite you.”
Jeongin hesitates. “I don’t know if I’m in the mood.”
“Come on, Innie.” Jisung doesn’t need to say more. He knows that Jeongin tends to hide in his home whenever he feels sad, and for a long time Jeongin had been convinced that it was the best way to treat his mood drops.
Well, until Jisung hit his life like a fucking fire truck.
Jeongin’s mouth twitches in the allusion of a smile. “Okay. Let’s meet at the park in half an hour.”
Jeongin doesn’t expect to have one of his happiest afternoons this year but Jisung makes it so easy to forget all his worries. They play competitive games most of the time, battling with each other in MotoGP, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, and Black Hole Air Hockey until they’re bored and move on to the Merchandiser machines.
They don’t win anything but that doesn’t matter because Jisung promises to buy them snacks later with his pocket money if they play a few rounds with the Dance Stage Fusion Machine. Jeongin’s always been a bit clumsy but it’s still fun to goof around and miss all the steps that are shown on the screen. He isn’t sure how long it’s been since he laughed like this but the feeling replaces the pain of rejection.
“I think I should go home now. Mom’s waiting with dinner,” Jisung says, glancing at the clock. “We should go out again!”
“Yeah, we should.”
When Jisung turns around to go, Jeongin takes his wrist in a loose grip. “Hey.”
Jisung looks back over his shoulder and frowns. “Is everything okay?”
Jeongin smiles. “Yeah. Now I’m okay. I just… thanks. I really needed that. I owe you.”
Jisung grins. “You don’t need to pay me back.” He puts a hand on Jeongin’s shoulder, squeezing it lightly. “Just don’t hide again.”
Jeongin nods timidly. “Hm, yeah, I’ll try.”
The sky is painted with orange-red streaks of sunlight and dotted with blobs of soft clouds as Jeongin looks through the window of the bus. Since he sits at the very back he has a good view of the almost empty rows of seats. He can feel his heart rate dropping until he breathes evenly to the rhythm of the juddering bus.
His mom isn’t home when he opens the door but there’s nothing new about her taking another shift spontaneously. Jeongin is sure that she’s probably collected a month’s worth of vacation days. Hyunjin still has his scholarship as one of the best dancers at his school, so the Hwang family has the opportunity to spend their money on some luxuries like new clothes for Jeongin, a new couch, and a new fridge.
Jeongin decides to have some instant ramen and takes a pot to fill it with water. Just as he’s about to turn on the stovetop, he hears a ringing. It’s not from the apartment door but the door of the building because it’s closed every day at eight o’clock. Jeongin doesn’t even question the interruption since it’s not the first time that somebody confuses the buttons.
The way to the apartment door crosses the living room and Jeongin peeks through the window to see who’s standing down there. He freezes when he discovers a head of curly, black hair, his heart leaping into his throat.
The bell rings again, tearing him from his state of shock.
He doesn’t even answer the door and just sprints downstairs to open it.
Chan lifts his head in surprise and then smiles. Jeongin melts, as always, at the sight of his dimples but he can tell that there is something tense about the way Chan’s curling up the corners of his mouth. He takes a closer look and realizes that Chan’s eyes are bloodshot.
To say that Jeongin was shocked would be the understatement of the century.
He’s never seen Chan cry. Even when Chan cut his hand while cooking food. Even when Chan fell from his bike and broke his arm. Even when Chan got hit in the face by a ball so hard that his nose started bleeding.
His pain tolerance is stupidly high, and Jeongin had been so convinced that there was nothing that could actually hurt him enough to make him cry.
“Hey, Innie. Are you still down for movies?”
Jeongin’s heart cracks at the sound of Chan’s broken voice. Although Chan is a head taller than Jeongin he seems so incredibly small, even in his black sweatpants and his shirt with a big wolf printed on it—a stark contrast to Jeongin’s baggy, pastel-colored long-sleeved shirt with chubby frog faces.
Jeongin doesn’t know what to say so he just takes Chan’s hand and pulls him into a hug.
He’s used to resting against Chan’s chest or back whenever he feels exhausted or sad, always relaxing in Chan’s embrace. Now Chan shrinks further as he wraps his arms around Jeongin’s small waist, burying his face in the crook of Jeongin’s neck.
Jeongin can feel his tears running down his skin and soaking into his shirt, but he doesn’t mind, threading his fingers through Chan’s curls to calm him down. Chan tries to hold back his sobs, only whimpering and sniffing.
Time stretches like rubbery gum and Jeongin isn’t sure how many minutes they’ve been standing here, but when the chilly wind hits his face he takes it as a cue to pull Chan inside. He holds Chan’s hand securely as he guides him upstairs into the apartment. Without even asking he takes out another package of ramen and throws everything into the boiling water.
Chan observes him silently, wiping away his tears.
Jeongin leans his side against the countertop, watching the ramen with his peripheral vision, holding the sauce package in one hand to wait for the noodles to cook fully. His knees feel like jelly because Chan keeps staring at him like he was a zoo attraction.
There are so many questions burning his tongue but he decides that it’s smarter to fill their stomachs before moving on to a conversation that he expects to become very uncomfortable.
“Look at you cooking for me like an adult,” Chan says, amused as Jeongin puts a bowl in front of him.
“Shut up and eat.”
They eat in silence but it’s not as tense as before. Chan nudges Jeongin’s leg with his foot softly, smiling when Jeongin puts his feet next to Chan’s lap, one on each side. Jeongin tries to concentrate more on twirling his noodles around his chopsticks rather than Chan’s warm hand on his shin.
Jeongin finishes his food in about five bites, swallowing the noodles without any struggle. Chan comments it with, “Little Kirby,” causing Jeongin to kick him lightly.
When they’re done, Chan offers to wash the dishes and Jeongin lets him. He stares at Chan’s back, trying to figure out what exactly they were doing. Sure, it isn’t the first time for them to share food and act so intimately but something feels off. He can already tell by the way Chan’s shoulders are shaking.
“What movie do you want to watch?” Jeongin asks as Chan drops down next to him on the couch.
“We can just watch Disney.”
Jeongin stares at the black television screen. “Isn’t that too childish for you?”
Chan looks at him in a mixture of confusion and disbelief.
Jeongin sighs. “Forget it. How about Tangled?”
Chan doesn’t even hesitate to pull Jeongin into his lap, treating him like the biggest and softest teddy bear he’s ever had. He nuzzles his face into Jeongin’s shoulder, sighing in relief. Jeongin doesn’t comment on it and looks at the screen without processing anything happening on there.
It’s nothing new for them to cuddle during movies—in fact, it’s a very important part of it—but every touch sets Jeongin’s skin on fire. Maybe from embarrassment. Maybe from anger. Maybe from something else.
Half an hour passes before Jeongin is brave enough to talk. “So do you want to tell me what happened?” He can feel Chan tensing behind him.
“It’s stupid. Not worth mentioning.”
Jeongin rolls his eyes. “You show up at my door, crying your eyes out. I think that is worth mentioning.”
Chan slumps against the couch, letting Jeongin slide off his lap. However, Jeongin doesn’t want to create the feeling of distance, so he drapes his arm over Chan’s stomach, leaning against his shoulder.
Chan takes a few deep breaths. “It’s the boys who invited me.”
“Yeah?”
“They’re two years above me and… yeah. It was just a bad idea to go with them.”
Jeongin frowns, lifting his head. “What? Why? What did they do?”
The movie is flickering in the reflection of Chan’s eyes as he doesn’t dare to look at Jeongin. A single tear evacuates his eye, rolls down his chin, and seeps away in his shirt.
“They made fun of me. You know. On the soccer field.” His laugh comes out hollow. “I thought they were all about playing just a simple game but…” He swallows heavily. “I guess I was wrong.”
Jeongin looks down on him and notices the bruises on his arms, wondering if he hides more of them under his long sweatpants. Suddenly he feels incredibly miserable. Chan saved him when he needed him the most, but when Chan was the one in trouble Jeongin prioritized his hurt ego.
“I’m sorry,” Jeongin whispers. “I should’ve protected you.”
Chan blinks before lowering his gaze. “That’s… no, you don’t need to,” he says, and Jeongin finds it weirdly funny that he’s so overwhelmed because of such a simple apology.
He deserves more. So much more.
“I just should’ve known better. I should’ve agreed on watching movies with you,” Chan continues. “I should’ve stayed. It probably reminded you of your dad.”
Jeongin tightens his fists, his knees locking as he stares at Chan with wide eyes.
Oh.
“Shit, sorry, I… I didn’t want to…” Chan groans. “I’m messing up, right?”
Jeongin hesitantly shakes his head. Actually, he hasn’t even considered that his dad might be the reason why he’s so allergic to any sign of rejection from Chan’s side but the realization brings some sort of odd relief because he finally knows that his feelings aren’t just there to make his life harder. They’re trying to protect him.
“No, you’re not,” Jeongin says quietly. “Don’t worry. I’m just glad you’re here.”
They look at each other for a silent minute and there it is again.
The prickling, the hot feeling in Jeongin’s face. He doesn’t understand why Chan’s so good at flustering him with his stupid dimples and his stupid smile and the way his nose twitches when he holds back his stupid giggling.
“Thanks.” Chan ruffles through Jeongin’s hair, breaking the moment of tension. “I can always count on you.”
They play another movie in the background while they talk about recent happenings, sharing their thoughts and worries after a long time. Jeongin doesn’t even realize that he’s dazing off until his mom stands in front of them, pointing at the clock that shows midnight.
She offers Chan to stay overnight but since he doesn’t have anything with him, he politely declines. Jeongin accompanies him to the door to hug him for a goodbye. The moment he watches Chan going down the stairs, he smiles.
Maybe Hyunjin was right about them.
“God, I’m so nervous.” Jisung shifts on the bench, wringing his hands, his body growing tense to the point of shaking.
Seungmin sighs, putting an arm around his shoulders. He’s not the type to openly display affection but Jisung is trembling so hard that everybody can feel the vibrations in the air. “Come on. What’s the worst scenario that can happen?”
“That I’ll humiliate myself in public?”
“That happens daily anyway,” Seungmin says and laughs at the sight of Jisung’s offended face.
It’s a beautiful spring day, everything around them blooming in all its glory, birds participating in a singing competition, and kids running around, laughing all their worries away. The weather is perfect for a little bike tour, and although Jeongin offered it as a favor, he’s not too opposed to the thought of spending the whole day outside.
“Oh, there he is,” Jisung says.
When Jeongin lifts his head, he has to squint his eyes because the boy comes from the sun’s direction. It takes another few moments to realize that he isn’t walking but skating.
The newcomer abruptly halts, one foot on the ground and the other one set on the board. “Hey! I hope I’m not too late!”
Jeongin can almost see the hearts in Jisung’s eyes as he stands up. “No, not at all! You’re perfect!” Jisung coughs. “I mean the time. You’re perfectly on time.”
Jeongin suppresses a chuckle when he sees Seungmin clenching his jaw, his nostrils flaring as he rolls his eyes. He isn’t sure if Seungmin’s amused or annoyed or maybe both, but he doesn’t have time to think about it any longer because the boy turns towards Jeongin.
“Felix, right?” Jeongin asks.
Felix nods, reaching out for his hand. “And you’re probably Jeongin. Jisung told me a lot about you!”
Jeongin subtly takes a closer look at Felix’s face and has to admit that he is really fucking cute. The way he smiles pushes his eyes into crescent moons above the stardust of freckles on his cheeks and button nose. Suddenly Jeongin isn’t mad about Jisung’s endless babbling about him because Felix does seem cool. Aside from his cute face, he has a good taste in fashion, wearing a white Thrasher shirt, a jean jacket, cuffed jeans, and black Vans.
“Well, whatever he said is a lie,” Jeongin chuckles, accepting the handshake that feels way too formal, so he decides to pull Felix into a short hug.
Seungmin follows his example but Jisung is too awkward and gives Felix a high five.
“Sorry, I don’t have a bike,” Felix explains. “I hope I’m not canceled for taking my longboard with me.”
“As long as you can keep up with us?” Jeongin teases and is immediately rewarded with Felix’s laugh.
They don’t have an actual route for their tour but Jisung, Seungmin, and Jeongin know Bucheon well enough to spontaneously guide Felix around, show him their favorite places, mention how annoying and confusing the bus lines can be, and introduce different shops they want to visit when they have the money and the time.
Jeongin can see why Jisung is so enthralled by Felix. It’s not just his face and his sporty tendencies, but also his whole demeanor. How sweet and soft-spoken he is despite appearing a bit gruff when he lets his face rest. He also seems a little bit shy or insecure sometimes which Jeongin can definitely relate to. Maybe that’s why it’s easy for them to slide into conversations.
At some point, Jeongin realizes that he wouldn’t mind if Felix joined their little group. Even Seungmin seems to like him (and, well, Seungmin doesn’t like a lot of people).
They buy ice cream and head back to the park to enjoy their sweet treat, their laughter and chattering simmering in the warm spring breezes. Jeongin smiles when he sees Felix and Jisung trying each other’s ice cream.
“Innie!”
Jeongin turns around and sees Chan with Berry. He takes a quick look at his wristwatch and shakes his head in amusement. Chan is meticulously loyal to his schedule. As always.
“Uuuh, is that lemon?” Chan grabs Jeongin’s hand and pulls it up to take a bite out of his ice cream.
“Are you crazy?” Jeongin complains, looking at the huge bite mark.
Chan licks the ice cream from his bottom lip, grinning. “Yeah. I’m pretty crazy about ice cream,” he snickers before turning around to the others.
“Hey, guys.” He lifts an eyebrow. “Oh, a new face?”
“I’m Felix.”
“Felix sounds foreign,” Chan says. “Where are you from?”
Felix smiles. “Australia.”
Chan gasps. “Oh, no way! My family and I lived there for a few years before moving back here.”
They hold a short conversation in English, excited and loud.
Jeongin doesn’t know what he thinks of the sight of them clicking so fast but he supposes that it should be normal. Chan talked about his time in Australia a few times, so Jeongin is very aware of his homesickness, although Chan always stresses that he wants to keep living in Korea because of his family.
“Okay, I have to go. But I’m sure we’ll see each other again,” Chan promises, patting Felix’s shoulder. Then he looks at Jeongin, who relishes being in the center of Chan’s attention again.
“Sorry about the ice cream,” he giggles. “Mini Stop this weekend?”
Jeongin nods, warmth bubbling in his stomach.
“Alright. See you then,” Chan says and hesitates before he leans down to kiss Jeongin’s forehead. It isn’t the first time he does it. Since he kisses his siblings a lot, it applied to Jeongin naturally over the past six years. But he’s never done it in front of others, probably because he knows what Jeongin thinks of showing affection in public. Jeongin’s heart starts fluttering, the spot where Chan left the kiss tingling.
“We can also go swimming together sometime. Bring your friends.”
“Yeah, sure,” Jeongin says.
As soon as Chan is out of earshot, Felix sucks in his breath sharply. “Was that your boyfriend?” he asks with a high-pitched voice.
Jeongin swallows, his face tomato-red. He shifts his weight from side to side, staring at the ground. “What? No. Eww, gross.” He laughs his shyness off, avoiding Felix’s stare. “Why are you asking?” The thought that he and Chan seem like boyfriends ignites fireworks of euphoria.
“Wow, okay, yeah.” Felix laughs, suddenly shy as well. “It’s just… he’s really…” He clears his throat.
Jeongin quirks up an eyebrow, his grip around his ice cream tightening. “What?”
“He seems like a cool guy,” Felix mumbles. “Uh, how old is he?”
“Sixteen,” Jeongin answers, a hint of suspicion in his voice. “Why?”
Felix shrugs. “Curiosity.” He pushes the last spoon of ice cream into his mouth. “Hey, how about we go for one last round?”
The others agree and finish their ice cream. As they head off, Jeongin can’t take his eyes away from Felix, who starts chatting with Seungmin.
Whatever this feeling in Jeongin’s gut is, he shouldn’t have it.
Chan has the weird ability to always look good, no matter what he does. Going on a walk with Berry. Playing soccer with the boys from his class. Listening to music. Doing his homework. Making a sandwich. Or looking for snacks in the Mini Stop like now.
“Hey, are you okay?”
Jeongin jerks, a guilty look on his face.
He shouldn’t be so conflicted. He shouldn’t be so conflicted about Felix having a crush on Chan. It’s egoistic in every way possible, not only towards Felix, not only towards Chan but most importantly towards Jisung who called him last week, sobbing into the phone.
Jeongin has seen the worst heartbreak possible with the divorce of his parents but experiencing it with his best friend hurts almost just as much.
“Just thinking.”
“About what?”
“Nothing important.”
Chan sighs, leaning against the shelf with two cartons of his beloved pineapple juice in his hands. “Whatever it is: If it makes you feel sad, it is important, okay? You can talk to me.”
Jeongin forces himself to smile. Right. This is Chan. The only person he trusts one hundred percent aside from his mom and Hyunjin. He’s never judged Jeongin for having weird thoughts, so why is it so hard to open up this time?
“That’s probably a weird question,” Jeongin mumbles. “But…”
Chan looks at him expectantly.
Jeongin blows his cheeks out with a heavy breath meant to steady his racing heart. “Have you. Have you ever been in love?”
Chan’s eyebrows tip up in surprise. “Oh.” He rubs the back of his neck sheepishly, a blush appearing on his face. “Are you...?”
“I’m asking for a friend,” Jeongin says, very aware of how cliche it sounds. But it is the truth. Kind of. It isn’t his fault that he’s being dragged into this stupid love triangle.
Chan chuckles, turning his head to the side, and Jeongin can see that his ears are just as red as his cheeks. “Uhm, I mean.” He clears his throat. “Actually, there’s a girl I like.”
Jeongin stiffens.
“She’s a year below me. Her name is Sana.” Chan scoots closer, although Mr. Choi is back in the storage room anyway.
“I haven’t told anybody yet but I kissed her the other day, so…” He shrugs, smiling shyly. “I’ve never been in love before, so I’m not sure what it feels like. But yeah. She’s really cute.”
Jeongin doesn’t understand what exactly is happening to him. It’s similar to the feeling of watching his father driving away through the window, but this situation leaves more of a bitter taste on his tongue. He tries to swallow it but his throat is so parched that every attempt to gulp feels dry.
“Maybe you’re in love if you can’t stand seeing this person with anybody else.”
Jeongin’s eyes start burgeoning with tears.
He’s stupid.
He’s so stupid.
Chan frowns. “You look really pale. Are you sure that you’re okay?”
“I feel sick,” Jeongin mumbles.
Chan looks at him pitifully, caressing the back of his head softly. “Should I bring you home?”
Jeongin nods, thinking that Chan has no right to treat him so gently and make his heart beat in a different rhythm.
But Jeongin lets it happen nonetheless.
“Come on, Innie. I promise the water won’t hurt you.”
Jeongin keeps staring into his book, although he stopped reading a while ago.
“I’m about to race against Lix. Don’t you want to see that?”
Jeongin looks up and blinks as the sun hits his face. In retrospect, he feels like it was a stupid idea to tag along. He’s never been a big fan of swimming. Hyunjin did teach him how to but that was years ago.
“You’re a competitive swimmer. Of course, you’ll win.”
“That’s the interesting part because Felix is too. He seems like a tough one.” Chan nudges Jeongin. “Since when are you the type to read anyway?”
“If it means that I can avoid the water,” Jeongin mumbles, “since forever. You know that I’m not a great swimmer.”
Chan ruffles through Jeongin’s hair. “Don’t worry. I'll hold you.”
“Innie! Chan! Are you coming or what?” Changbin shouts.
Chan extends his hand, smiling.
Jeongin sighs because, of course, he can’t resist Chan’s dimples. So he grabs Chan’s hand and pulls himself up.
He ends up sitting at the brink, watching Chan and Felix compete in the butterfly discipline. Although Chan is ahead of Felix, Jeongin can see that Felix is anything but slow. He doesn’t realize that he’s started cheering until Felix and Chan reach the end of the swimming pool.
“The winner is Chan!” Jisung announces.
“But it was really close,” Changbin says, his feet dangling into the water. “Let’s go to the other pool. It’s too deep here.”
Jeongin feels a lot safer in the other pool, given that the water can only reach his shoulders. He does a few strokes and lands in Chan’s arms, clinging onto him. “That's enough for today.”
“Well, I can carry you on my shoulders then,” Chan suggests and dives underwater.
“Wha—Chan!” Jeongin squeals when he feels Chan nudging between his legs.
One second later he’s lifted above the water, wrapping his arms around Chan’s head to keep his balance. He bursts into laughter, thousands of butterflies exploding in his stomach as Chan's hands land on his thighs.
“How about a wrestling match, Bin? The winner buys ice cream for everybody!”
Changbin laughs. “Alright, who wants to?”
“I have a fear of heights!” Jisung says immediately, scooting backward.
“Okay, then you, Seungmin,” Changbin says, swimming towards him.
“What? Why me? I’m taller than you!” Seungmin protests, confusion crossing his face when Changbin sinks below the water surface and puts Seungmin on his shoulders before standing up.
“Don’t worry. I’m strong enough,” he unnecessarily says. “Now let’s win this game!”
“I didn’t say that—whoa!” Seungmin stems against Jeongin’s hands, leaning into the movement to push him back. He actually causes Chan to stumble for a second but he quickly finds his balance again.
“Hey, that wasn’t too bad!” Changbin laughs. “Keep going!”
They keep on wrestling, Jeongin’s and Seungmin’s hands locked as Chan and Changbin try to step closer to increase the force. Jisung and Felix keep cheering on them, ignoring the other guests who either observe them with interested faces or give them looks of disapproval.
“I got him, I got him!” Jeongin says, pushing further.
Out of a sudden, Seungmin throws all of his weight against him, causing Jeongin to fall back. But Jeongin doesn’t let go of Seungmin and pulls him into the water.
For a second, his heart stops when his head hits the ground. It’s nothing severe but enough for him to fall into a state of shock. It doesn’t last long, though, as a hand grabs his wrist and pulls him up.
“I said that I’d hold you,” Chan says, wiping his wet hair out of his forehead.
He looks stupidly good. Jeongin can already feel the other girls’ stares on him but Chan doesn’t even seem to notice. No. He just looks at Jeongin.
"Well, I guess I have to buy ice cream now,” Chan says, turning around.
“I feel like Seungmin and Jeongin fell into the water at the same time, even though Minnie gave the final push,” Felix says.
“Then we have no other choice than to split.” Changbin shrugs, grinning. “You’ll buy ice cream for Innie and Felix. I got Jisung and Seungmin.”
They get ice cream and then return to their bags to sit under the sun for a while, chatting, cracking stupid jokes, and gossiping about their annoying teachers.
This group constellation happened more often the past few weeks and Jeongin could really get used to it. Changbin is great and apparently, Jeongin’s friends like him too. It’s a dream, really. Chan’s and Jeongin’s friends get along perfectly.
Suddenly a staff member approaches them. “Hey! We organized a volleyball game! The prize is a free annual ticket for the swimming pool,” she says. “However, one of the players injured themselves, so we have an open slot now.”
“Oh! I can do that!” Chan immediately says, jumping up. It’s no secret that he’s pretty knowledgeable in all sorts of ball sports.
“But you already have an annual ticket,” Changbin says.
“Yeah, I’ll win the ticket for Innie! So he can go swimming with me more often,” Chan laughs.
Jeongin purses his lips. “Uh, hyung, you don’t have to—”
“Count me in!”
“Awesome!” the staff member replies. “Come with me!”
“Man, he does everything to get your attention,” Seungmin mumbles. “He looks really stupid.”
“Sounds like somebody is jealous,” Changbin says, watching Chan make the serve to start the game. “You want somebody to do the same for you, right?”
“Yeah, sure. I love watching people making a fool out of themselves,” Seungmin responds dryly, Jisung giggling in the background.
Jeongin shakes his head in amusement and stands up to get closer to the playing field. Chan winks at him and then tosses the ball to the spiker. If he actually wins, Jeongin won’t even complain about the ticket.
Maybe swimming isn’t that bad, after all.
Hyunjin visits his family the summer before Jeongin transitions to the second year of middle school. He usually stays until the end of July because he needs the rest of the vacation to get back into shape for dance classes. This time, however, he promised to spend the whole vacation with Jeongin.
He probably knows that Jeongin needs the support. Jeongin takes a lot of pride in hiding his emotions because it’s what protects him, but Hyunjin can always look right through his facade. Luckily he never comments on anything unless Jeongin initiates a conversation.
Jeongin loves him so much.
When he sees Hyunjin fiddling with a bracelet he takes it out of his hands and goes to the cashier. Ignoring Hyunjin’s protests, he pulls out his wallet and pays for the piece of jewelry.
“Where did you get the money from?” Hyunjin asks, surprised.
“Helping neighbors. Walking their dogs. Stuff like that,” Jeongin explains. It’s a settled plan for him to start working an official part-time job once he turns fifteen. He had asked his mother about getting a special permit for him to start even younger but she refused.
“Wow, my little brother is growing up.”
Jeongin usually doesn’t like it when people make remarks about his age or height because it feels like mockery.
He’s always the youngest: in his family, in his class, in his friend group. Saying that he’s “so grown up now” comes off as pity because Jeongin knows that he isn’t particularly tall or broad. Although he has been putting on weight, he still feels small, especially among other people.
But Hyunjin is the exception. He compliments him with so much adoration that Jeongin can feel his genuine pride. Because whenever Hyunjin talks about his growth, he means his emotional intelligence, his development of social skills, and his good grades in school.
Things that actually matter to Jeongin.
“Wanna get ice cream?” Hyunjin asks, wrapping his arm around Jeongin’s shoulder.
“Sure. You can get the best one from the Mini Stop,” Jeongin says, leaning against Hyunjin, smiling. He doesn’t know how Hyunjin does it but every time they spend time together he feels important again. He hopes he makes Hyunjin feel remotely the same.
The shop has big windows, so it’s easy to tell if there’s enough room for any more customers. At this time of the day the shop is pretty full, hence the two employees.
Mr. Choi usually looks out for his shop beginning from afternoon until at least three o’clock in the morning. before the employee for the next hift arrives. But it wouldn’t be the first time for him to rearrange the schedule spontaneously to change things up. Jeongin is sure that he sometimes sleeps under the countertop since he treats his shop as a second home.
“Oh, hey! Isn’t that Chan?”
Jeongin takes a closer look and lets out a tense breath of discovery when Chan turns around, revealing his face. Today he has his curls tucked under a baseball cap. It’s black, of course. He looks good.
He always does.
Hyunjin frowns. “Who’s that girl with him?”
Jeongin doesn’t need a second to recognize Sana. He’s seen her a few times. She looks especially pretty today, wearing a light pastel green summer dress that falls perfectly, along with her perfect hair and her perfect face.
It’s sickening how good she looks next to Chan.
“That’s Sana. She’s a friend?” Jeongin says hesitantly.
Sana taps Chan’s shoulder and gives him a bag with chips. Chan's smile is so bright that Jeongin can even see it flashing through the window. He turns his head away when Chan leans down to kiss Sana.
“You know, what? I don’t feel like eating ice cream anymore,” Hyunjin says, smiling. “How about we go grab some actual food? Isn’t there a diner on the main street?”
Jeongin sighs in a mixture of relief and frustration. “Yeah.”
Falling in love is a bizarre process. Jeongin is sure that he’s had a crush on Chan for a long time because how could he not? Everybody kind of does. It’s difficult to breathe the same air as Chan and not fall for him.
But everything that goes beyond that is scary. Scary to the point that he doesn’t even dare to think too much about it, afraid of tumbling down this hole of neverending doubts.
He doesn’t know what he thinks when Jisung tells him that he confessed his feelings to Felix. Although he cares for Jisung a lot, he usually doesn’t feel what Jisung goes through. Empathy is one of the underdeveloped abilities in his skill set.
But this time it’s different. When Jisung talks about how the conversation went, Jeongin notices little shifts in his body language and face. The way he taps his fingers against his legs, his bottom lip trembling and his eyes losing focus until he looks empty.
It hurts so much to see him like this.
“I was just fucking stupid.”
Jeongin scoots closer, carefully taking Jisung’s hand. “No. I think you were brave.”
“But what does it matter?” Jisung mumbles, his voice cracking at the end of the question.
“A lot,” Jeongin reassures. “You can learn from it.” He isn’t exactly sure what Jisung is supposed to learn from rejection because even after all those years Jeongin doesn’t know if he’s gotten anything from his cowardly father.
“I didn’t think that he still had feelings for Chan. I thought it would be a matter of a few weeks.”
Jeongin hums.
“I mean Chan’s with Sana anyway. He’d never date someone as young as Felix, right?”
Jeongin lets go of Jisung’s hand, frowning. “Right.”
Jisung looks at him, his eyes widening. “Oh shit, I’m sorry, Innie. I didn’t—”
“What?” Jeongin asks sharply. “I mean, you’re right. He probably wants to be with people his age.” He still feels bad for Jisung but now there’s a dash of bitterness lingering in the air.
“But he also hangs out with you.”
Jeongin thinks he has had his fair share of drama revolving around love. He’s tired. So tired of this topic. “I don’t care who he dates. He’s not my babysitter,” he grumbles, his chest growing so tight that it becomes hard to breathe.
Jisung sighs. “I know it’s hard for you to talk about feelings, but whatever it is with Chan, I’m sure you—”
“It’s nothing,” Jeongin answers, digging his fingernails into his palm as he avoids eye contact.
“Innie, you’re different,” Jisung says firmly. “You guys have known each other since forever.”
Jeongin closes his eyes, breathing heavily through his nose, a hard quick pulse in his throat. His voice sounds strange to his own ears when he whispers, “Maybe that’s the problem.”
One of the big advantages of spending less time with Chan is that Jeongin can focus a lot better on school. He starts off pretty decently this school year, rarely forgets his homework, and even studies outside of the lessons to prevent unnecessary stress around mid-terms.
By now, he, Felix, Seungmin, and Jisung have molded into a tight-knitted friend group. Jisung had taken around two weeks to overcome his lovesickness, and although Jeongin knows that he’s still hurt, he’s good at covering it up.
Jeongin is glad that he isn’t in high school yet or else he’d have to watch Sana and Chan eating each other’s faces every day. They’re both the type to commit to PDA which shouldn’t be a surprise since Jeongin knows that Chan is clingy.
But that’s the problem. He knows because he’s been the first to be openly showered with his affection.
Chan doesn’t ask him to go out anymore but it isn’t a big surprise, and Jeongin starts initiating meetings with his friends most of the time.
It’s weird that the moment he plans their next weekend shenanigans he realizes that he doesn’t need Chan. It goes so far that he begins questioning if he’s ever truly needed him. When he thinks about it Chan was the first one to approach him.
“Hey, what are you thinking about?” Felix asks, nudging Jeongin.
He’d been busy riding down the paths of the park. Sometimes he even dances on his longboard, turning on it, changing the placement of his feet, swirling his board around so effortlessly that it looks like he’d fly away any second.
“Nothing,” Jeongin answers, looking down at Felix’s feet. “Hey, can you teach me how to skate?”
Felix beams, nodding excessively.
They’re waiting for Seungmin and Jisung, who live in the same street and always take the bus together (unless the boys meet for a bike tour), but thanks to Jisung they missed it.
It’s not the first time for Jeongin and Felix to hang out together. Once Jeongin had overcome his jealousy, he decided to spend more time with Felix because they have a similar taste in music, video games, and television shows.
“Why did you choose a longboard and not a skateboard?” Jeongin asks.
“It’s easier to overcome a big distance. Back in Australia, I could conquer pretty much the entirety of Sydney with this baby.” Felix looks at the board as if he wanted to kiss it. “Besides, it was fucking expensive, so I had to choose between a bike and a longboard. I’ve never thought about getting a skateboard, to be honest,” he explains.
The busses seem to be especially late today because Felix has enough time to explain how Jeongin is supposed to push and stand before they move on to the way he can navigate the board.
“Okay, how do I stop?”
“Just drag your foot along the ground to slow down.”
Felix takes Jeongin’s hands to help him keep the balance but as soon as Jeongin doesn’t tremble as much anymore he lets go. “Don’t overdo it. Just shift your body a bit to change the direction.”
Jeongin nods and pushes a few more times to increase the speed. He gasps when he hits a big stone and jumps from the board before stumbling further until he crashes against Felix.
They land in soft grass and roll around until Felix is on top of Jeongin, both of them laughing with red faces.
“Wow, you’re a natural,” Felix says, pushing himself a bit up. Although he’s older than Jeongin he’s a bit shorter, and he seems to have found a comfortable place on Jeongin’s chest.
“Oh yeah, that fall was beyond elegant,” Jeongin chuckles. When Felix shifts, he realizes that he has his hand on Felix’s waist but neither of them seems to care about it. “I’m always so fascinated when I see you doing tricks. Dancing itself is already so difficult. Can’t imagine doing that on a fucking longboard.”
“It’s really just years and years of training,” Felix says, obviously flattered.
“And a lot of strength. I don’t get how you push up your longboard like that,” Jeongin says.
“Well, maybe you should get a longboard too, so I can teach you about my secrets,” Felix chuckles, his eyes simmering with fondness.
Jeongin can’t believe that he had been holding a grudge against him for something as stupid as jealously. Nobody can control feelings—he should know that the best. He would apologize if it wasn’t so embarrassing for him but just lying with Felix in the grass on a sunny Saturday may be enough.
“Felix! Jeongin!”
They look in the direction where the call came from.
“Finally,” Jeongin groans when he discovers Seungmin, Jisung, and—to his surprise—Changbin.
Abruptly, Jisung halts, frowning. “What are you guys doing?” he asks with a weird tilt in his voice.
“I was teaching Jeongin how to ride a longboard,” Felix answers, standing up and tapping dust off his clothes.
“That’s an interesting method,” Jisung mumbles.
Jeongin looks at him with a come-on-now-expression because he knows what Jisung is thinking. He averts his gaze to Changbin and smiles. “Hyung! Nice to see you.”
Changbin waves quickly, his lips curving up.
“I asked him to come with us,” Seungmin explains. “I hope that's okay.”
It's not the first time that Changbin comes with them. At first, Jeongin thought that Changbin simply feels some sort of responsibility for them because he likes to act like the big brother, just like Chan. But over time, Jeongin realized that he seems to actually enjoy hanging out with them despite the age gap.
Sometimes he wonders if he also feels neglected by Chan but they're not close enough for him to ask that sort of question.
“It's only okay if he buys nachos,” Felix teases.
“Sure,” Changbin says. He hesitates and then mumbles, “It's not like I don't have the money for that.”
Jeongin blinks at him, eyeing his Prada clothes. Right. He's rich. He still forgets sometimes.
After the cinema, they buy some drinks and return to the park to hang out there. Felix performs a few longboard tricks and Changbin shows bits and pieces of his lyrics book. It's peaceful around this time—most kids are at home for dinner already.
“Look what I got,” Seungmin says, opening his bag.
Jisung's eyes widen. “Holy shit! That's a camera!”
“My parents gave it to me. For my good grades.” Seungmin opens the gallery and scrolls through pictures he snapped from the park. It's mostly sunsets and they look gorgeous in every single image. “What's missing is a photo of you guys.”
“Aww, somebody's getting real emotional,” Jisung giggles.
They hold a model show, each of them posing for Seungmin's camera, and it feels stupid but it's also fun and Jeongin can't stop laughing, especially when Changbin starts kissing a tree for Seungmin's hypothetical romance movie poster.
“Changbin hyung is really stupid,” Seungmin says as he watches Changbin climbing up the tree to find a more dramatic angle.
“Yeah, I think he's great too,” Jeongin answers.
Seungmin rolls his eyes, the hint of a smile gliding over his lips.
It's getting dark, so they decide to go home.
“See you next week!” Jeongin says before heading to the bus stop.
He mentally plans his evening as he listens to the music blasting through his earphones. His mom asked him to cook something because she hadn’t had the time to prepare a lot, but he isn’t sure what they have left in their fridge, so he mentally goes through a variety of recipes he has memorized.
As soon as he arrives at home he changes his dirty street clothes into something comfortable, washes his hands, and then tiptoes into the kitchen to search for all available ingredients before he decides to fry some vegetables with rice.
When the doorbell rings, he almost drops the pan he’s just gotten out of the cabinet. An annoyed groan escapes his mouth as he leaves the kitchen to answer the door. “Hello?”
“Innie? Do you have time?”
Jeongin frowns, tilting his head. “Chan?”
“Yeah, it’s me. Can you come?”
Jeongin doesn’t have any reason to open the door for Chan after months of neglect but he doesn’t even hesitate for a second. Downstairs he’s met with the sight of Chan’s bloodshot eyes, tears streaming down his face like waterfalls.
And he’s still smiling.
“Hey,” Chan whispers.
Jeongin just stares at him.
“I’m sorry, I didn’t know where to go. I’m really—”
“Why didn’t you go to Changbin?” Jeongin doesn’t want to sound harsh but his mind is spiraling out of control, stuck on thoughts about why Chan has to come back just to hurt him again.
“Changbin and I… We don’t talk about our feelings,” Chan stammers. “Not really. And you were nearby, so—”
“Oh, so suddenly I’m good enough again?” Jeongin doesn’t even try to hide the pain in his voice. “I’m not a replacement.”
Chan blinks excessively as if he couldn’t understand what Jeongin is talking about. “No. No, of course, you’re not. I just… I… We haven’t seen each other a lot recently.” He gulps. “Which is totally my fault.”
“It is. Goodbye, Chan.” The ache Jeongin feels when he tries to close the door is almost unbearable.
Chan is faster and stops him. “Please. I’m sorry.” He exhales. “Sana broke up with me. Half an hour ago. I don’t know what to do.”
Jeongin tenses his jaw as he grounds his teeth, his face growing pensive. He looks up again, right into Chan’s wide, watery eyes.
He sighs and lets go of the door. “Come in.”
It doesn’t make sense to forgive Chan so easily but Jeongin hates seeing him sad. So he cooks with him, watches him chopping vegetables, offers him something to drink, and eats with him in the comforting silence of the small kitchen.
Chan nudges Jeongin’s shin beneath the table and Jeongin grabs his legs to place them on his lap, much to Chan’s surprise. Jeongin doesn’t even look back at him and finishes his plate.
This time they don’t watch any movies. Jeongin sits on his bed cross-legged with Chan’s head in his lap, fondling his curls. They’re shorter now but Jeongin likes the cut.
Chan has his eyes closed, relaxing to the even rhythm of Jeongin’s hands.
Jeongin hesitates before moving his fingers to Chan’s forehead to caress it. Chan lets out a sigh, curling up and rolling to the side, facing Jeongin’s tummy. He opens one eye, smiling.
“That’s what I needed.”
Me too, Jeongin thinks but remains silent. “How did she tell you?” he asks instead.
Chan sucks on his bottom lip, his face flushing in shame. “She called me.”
“Stupid coward.”
“She’s nice.”
“No, she’s not. She broke your heart.”
They stare at each other until Jeongin releases the tension with a huff, turning his head away.
“I can’t blame her,” Chan whispers. “There are other guys interested in her. Guys who are older and stronger than me... and look better than me.” He smiles bitterly.
Jeongin freezes in his movements, furrowing his brows. “I think you’re really attractive,” he says before he can stop himself. He bites his tongue, embarrassment tingling in his cheeks.
Surprised, Chan looks at him and then giggles. “That’s nice. I think you look good too.”
“Liar,” Jeongin whispers under his breath.
Chan nuzzles back into a comfortable position, his breathing calming down again. “Isn’t love weird?” he mumbles after a while.
Jeongin hums in agreement, massaging his temples gently.
“One of your friends, Felix, he confessed to me,” Chan continues.
“I know.” Jeongin thinks about Felix’s bright smile and automatically has to smile as well. Although it isn’t his place to say it, he thinks that Felix is a lot prettier than Sana. So maybe it’s Chan’s loss.
He lightly shakes his head at the chaotic thought.
“And I think he’s nice. Actually, really cute.”
Jeongin tries to keep his hands relaxed to avoid showing any shifts in his emotions.
“But he’s more like a brother to me,” Chan continues. “You know? Like an Aussie bro.”
“Pretty much like you and me.” Jeongin gulps. “Well, except for the Aussie part.”
Chan peeks up at him again, frowning. He takes Jeongin’s wrist and moves his hand down to his face. His skin is really soft, and Jeongin desperately wants to cup his whole face and hold it like the most precious thing in the world.
But he resists.
“I think it’s still a bit different,” Chan mumbles.
The rhythm of Jeongin’s heart fastens as sweat breaks out on his forehead.
“Watching you is a bit like watching my child grow up,” Chan says with a sweet smile.
Jeongin blinks before smiling back, although he can’t ignore the weird feeling of emptiness caging his body. “Well, I already said that you’re pretty old.”
Chan smacks Jeongin’s thigh, opening a wrestling match. When Jeongin lies beneath Chan, panting, he holds up his hands in surrender. “Alright, got it.”
Chan giggles before swooping down to kiss Jeongin’s forehead. “I’m sorry for everything. I’ll make it up to you.”
Jeongin knows that this won’t be the last time Chan leaves him behind but he still nods, smiling, because the pain is worth it.
Chan keeps his promise and invites Jeongin for a picnic. He’s the fucking sweetest and Jeongin equally hates and loves him for that.
Chan bought chalk for them to use on the paths in the park, concerningly enthusiastic about showing Jeongin his art piece. He’s usually not braggy about any of his skills, so Jeongin watches in suspicion as he sees Chan crawling over the floor and trying to finish his picture in concentration with tongue poking at the inside of his cheek.
It turns out to be a wolf and a fox, snuggling into each other.
“Sometimes I think about how different we are. So different that it seems like we’re different species,” Chan says. “I saw a video of a wolf and a fox cuddling and it reminded me of us.”
“Disgusting,” Jeongin says as his heart beats faster.
Chan chuckles. “Okay, how about we eat something?”
Jeongin has switched from removable braces to metal braces and they still hurt a bit but he forgets the pain as he gets a glimpse of the food Chan has prepared. It’s almost like back then, just them eating, chatting, teasing each other with the wind swirling above their heads to carry on their laughter.
It’s just the stupid tingle Jeongin feels when their hands brush against each other that makes it different.
“Can’t believe that I’ll be through high school after next year,” Chan says before eating the last cookie.
Jeongin nods slowly, pushing a whole sandwich into his mouth. “You’ve already started studying for Suneung, right?” he asks after swallowing it.
Chan nods. “I have to. I have tons of books to get through and I also bought the answer sheets from last year’s Suneung. Maybe I’ll get the one from the year before too.” He shrugs, smiling. “I mean, I started preparing for it when I became a senior, so I try not to stress too much over it. It’s just what I’ve been doing in school most of the time.”
Suneung is considered to be one of the most important exams in Korea and determines which universities you can enter. Just thinking about it makes Jeongin feel sick but Chan seems rather relaxed. Well, he’s always been better at scheduling his studies.
Jeongin has looked into the books but he doesn’t even know where to start. Especially because he plans on working a part-time job soon. His mom is almost done with settling her debts (that are mostly the fault of her ex-husband) but Jeongin wants to back her up at least a bit.
He isn’t even sure if he wants to go to college, so maybe that’s why it’s getting harder for him to find the right motivation to do more for school.
“Do you have any idea what to study after high school?” Jeongin asks.
Chan shrugs. “Not really. Changbin was talking about moving to another city together but we’ll see.”
Jeongin tries to hide his disapproval by shoving another sandwich into his mouth.
Chan laughs at the sight. “Little Kirby,” he comments, amused as he ruffles through Jeongin’s hair.
When they’re done eating, they put the empty boxes into Chan’s backpack before lying down, Jeongin’s head placed on Chan’s stomach. Jeongin stares at the wide sky, blending out the annoying voices in the background, sinking into the moment of just being here with Chan, without worrying about the next day, the next week, the next year.
“Thanks,” Chan suddenly says.
“You were the one who invited me.”
“Yeah. Thanks for coming.” Chan sighs into the warm summer air. “When I was with Sana we rarely went outside, to be honest. It was more about showing that we look good together? I don’t know why I went with that.”
“You two did look like the perfect couple,” Jeongin admits, fiddling with the hem of his shirt.
“Never judge a book by its cover.” Chan burps when Jeongin shifts his head on his stomach, causing them both to laugh. “I’m staying away from relationships. At least for now.”
“Seems like a good choice,” Jeongin mumbles, closing his eyes.
“You’re better than all girls combined anyway.”
Jeongin shouldn’t feel so flattered but Chan’s words twist his gut just the right way to make his heart race. He doesn’t understand how Chan can say all those things without batting an eyelash, without flushing red, without getting even a bit shy.
There is no way that Jeongin is the only one feeling butterflies in his stomach.
“I can’t wait to spend the next year with you,” Chan then says, trying to grab Jeongin’s hand.
Jeongin pulls his arm back, sitting up. “Yeah,” he mumbles.
Chan frowns. “Is something wrong?”
“You can’t promise that we’ll stick together this time, right?” Jeongin mutters, twisting his upper body away to avoid looking at Chan.
He shouldn’t be so egoistic, he knows that. He knows that there are so many people Chan can surround himself with. Knows that Chan has his own dreams and goals that aren’t dependent on Jeongin. Knows that there will always be three and a half years between them. Three and a half planetary constellations.
Chan rests his chin on Jeongin’s shoulder, wrapping an arm around his waist. “I can’t promise that we’ll be together forever. But I can promise that I’ll try my best. I already told you that you’re important to me.”
Jeongin lightly nods, leaning against Chan, ignoring the protesting voices in the back of his head. “How about we go on the slide?”
“I think I’m too big for that one,” Chan laughs.
“You’re just scared. That slide is dangerous,” Jeongin says, a sinister tone simmering in his voice.
Chan’s eyebrows tip up in amusement. “Oh, alright. Maybe we should slide down together then.”
They slide down a few times and then decide to just climb all over the climbing scaffold. Beneath the slide is a wall scribbled full of messages, jokes, memories, and Jeongin takes a few moments to read through a few. People marking the time they were here, love confessions, stories are plastered all over the wood.
“Hey, are you okay?”
Jeongin turns around and giggles when Chan ducks to fit under the slide.
“Oh, right! I’ve always wanted to scratch something into that wall as well.” He feels up his pockets and reaches inside to take out the clasp knife that he used to cut the fruit earlier. “Alright, let’s see…”
Chan knits his eyebrows in concentration as he presses the tip of the knife into the wood. Jeongin can only judge by his movements and the scratching noises that he’s writing something.
After two minutes Chan steps aside to present his little art piece.
Jeongin frowns when he sees a heart circled around their initials.
B.C. x H.J.
He wonders if he’s ever done something like that for Sana but he doesn’t ask.
Jeongin thought that entering high school would change his whole life but it isn’t as dramatic as expected. His friend group stays pretty much the same. His grades stay pretty much the same. His relationship with Chan stays… somewhat the same.
They buy snacks from the Mini Stop, watch the sunset in the park and do movie nights on the weekends. Chan asks to meet as much as possible but he studies a lot for Suneung too, so it isn’t rare for him to cancel at the last minute.
Just like today.
Jeongin decides that he could be a bit more useful and do something for Chan, who spends all day at home, studying until his wrist is sore. So he prepares some sandwiches and makes a smoothie with Chan’s favorite fruits. He knows how important it is for Chan to keep a balanced diet because it boosts his energy for studying.
Once he is done he rushes to Chan’s house and rings the bell.
It’s a normal Thursday afternoon, so Chan’s alone and opens the door. There are heavy bags under his eyes, but the corners of his mouth immediately curl up in a smile. “Innie! Good to see you.”
Jeongin blinks. Instead of wearing his usual sports attire, Chan opted for black pants and a cream-knitted sweater that is too big for him, covering half of his thighs and his hands. Although he’s still a head taller than Jeongin he seems so… tiny.
“I brought you food,” Jeongin says, holding out the box with sandwiches and the smoothie bottle. “Bet you forgot to eat something for lunch and—” He jerks when Chan leans forward to wrap his arms around his neck, goosebumps crawling down his back as he feels Chan’s hot breath on his skin.
“Thank you,” Chan whispers before placing a gentle kiss on Jeongin’s forehead. “Come inside.”
“I don’t want to disturb you.”
“No, you’re exactly what I need right now.”
Jeongin can feel his cheeks coloring and hopes that he can blame the cold October weather for it. He nods and enters the house, pressing the box and the bottle against his chest.
Chan’s room looks like a mess, something Jeongin didn’t expect. He always thought that Chan was in perfect control of everything: his schedule, his goals, his mind. But when he falls on his bed, groaning, Jeongin realizes that Chan isn’t tired, but absolutely exhausted.
“How long have you been studying?”
Chan takes a glimpse at the clock on his bedside table, yawning. “Three hours? Four hours? Not that long.”
“That is long.”
“I know students that study at least eight hours a day.”
“Have you taken any breaks?” Jeongin asks sharply.
Silence.
“See. It’s long,” Jeongin says, placing the box and the bottle on the bedside table before crawling over the mattress.
Chan opens his arms almost desperately, expecting Jeongin to nuzzle against him as always, but Jeongin pushes his arms away and pulls him against his chest, protectively wrapping his arms around Chan’s head.
“What are you doing?” Chan giggles.
“Helping you to relax,” Jeongin whispers, trying to keep his heart rate normal.
Chan feels soft in that sweater and the warmth of their hug deepens when Chan pushes his right leg between Jeongin’s skinny thighs. They stay like this for a while, just listening to each other’s breathing.
“So what have you been up to? I’m sorry for canceling again,” Chan mumbles into Jeongin’s hoodie.
“Looking for a job,” Jeongin answers, running his fingers through Chan’s soft curls. “I need to save up money.”
“For university?”
Jeongin starts massaging Chan’s scalp, smiling when he feels the hot breath of a sigh seeping into his hoodie. “No. My mom has been saving up for that since I was four.”
Chan hums. “She’s amazing.”
“Yeah.” Jeongin’s smile widens.
“I thought about saving up for, you know, luxuries. Stuff I always wanted.” He sighs. “It sounds egoistic but I don’t want to be invited every time my friends want to go to the cinema. I don’t want to borrow money every time we eat ice cream. And I don’t want to play Hyunjin’s old videogames anymore, you know?”
Chan places his strong hands on Jeongin’s back before drawing patterns on it. “You’re not egoistic for that. To be honest, I couldn’t imagine living a life like you. My parents always spoiled me.”
“But you deserve it.”
“You deserve it more,” Chan immediately says, and Jeongin can feel how he’s drawing a heart shape with his index finger on Jeongin’s back. “I can’t believe you’ll turn sixteen next year.”
“And I can’t believe you’re nineteen already, grandpa,” Jeongin teases. He still thinks it’s strange how Chan can handle their age gap so easily, although Jeongin stresses over it constantly.
Chan chuckles. “I do feel kind of old right now.”
Jeongin slides one hand into Chan’s neck and starts massaging the tense spots firmly.
“Holy shit, your hands are pretty big,” Chan notices, taking Jeongin’s free hand to compare.
Jeongin’s hands are maybe half an inch bigger than Chan’s which doesn’t sound like a lot, but when they press their palms together Jeongin inhales sharply in surprise.
Chan hums, interlacing their fingers, causing Jeongin’s heart to almost jump out. They’ve held hands so many times before but locking their fingers in such a tight grip is new. It’s almost too intimate but Jeongin likes the feeling of Chan’s hand sinking into his.
“I’m not ready to watch you grow up,” Chan whispers.
“You’ll see. One day I’ll be taller than you,” Jeongin mocks, squeezing Chan’s hand.
Chan leans back to look at Jeongin, his lips pursed before he bursts into giggles again. “You’ll always be little Kirby to me. No matter what.”
Jeongin doesn’t hate the thought at all.
There’s this myth saying that Suneung day is colder than the usual day, and Jeongin would agree without even hesitating because his fingers are popsicles at this point.
It’s a given for the younger students to stand in front of the school with posters to cheer on their seniors.
Although Jeongin is two years away from taking his final exam, he’s nervous. The years before he stayed at home on this special November day because he was still in middle school, but now that Chan and Changbin are about to take this important exam he feels directly involved in the happenings.
It’s crazy to think that everyone and everything is complying with the exam. The bus and subway service increase to avoid traffic jams. The planes are grounded since their noise would disturb the students. Police officers drive around to pick up students who are running late for their exams.
The sun shines differently today when it rises above the buildings, a swirling pool of crimson and gold across the sky, and it sparks a weird turmoil of excitement and fear in Jeongin.
“It’s crazy to know that Chan hyung will graduate in February,” Felix says, standing on his tippy toes to look out for him.
“Yeah. I wonder what he wants to do after that,” Seungmin says, fixing the poster before holding it up for the first students arriving.
“He and Changbin want to travel through Korea for a while and visit different cities to check out the universities,” Jeongin answers. “They’ll be back in July.”
“Damn, that’s a long time,” Jisung says. “I can’t imagine it without them.”
Jeongin doesn’t want to think about it too much. The thought of saying goodbye to Chan for five months tears his heart apart but he’s absolutely powerless.
Jisung pulls Jeongin closer, putting his head on his shoulder. “We’re in this together,” he mumbles. “He won’t be gone forever.”
“I know,” Jeongin whispers back before snapping his head up when he sees Chan.
He looks stunning, beaming brighter than the sun rising behind him. It’s probably the first time to see him after a really good night’s sleep, and Jeongin is more than happy to see him so energized.
“Innie!” Chan yells, ignoring the other younger students chanting his name or trying to reach out for him. He almost drops his bag when he stops in front of Jeongin, cupping his face before pressing their foreheads together.
“I’m so nervous,” he chuckles and Jeongin can’t help but grin.
“But you look good. I mean. You always do.” Jeongin coughs. “I mean, you look well-rested.” He can feel how Jisung tries to suppress a burst of laughter and it takes all his willpower to not step on his foot.
Chan is wearing his usual black attire but his hair is braided, probably to keep annoying hair strands out of his face. His cheeks are reddened from the cold and his eyes are wide from excitement. It almost seems like he’s actually looking forward to the exam.
“Here, for you,” Jeongin says, handing over two cartons of pineapple juice and a lunch box.
Chan peeks into it, gasping. “Wow! Did you prepare that?”
Jeongin nods, smiling shyly.
“You’re the best.” Chan looks over his shoulder, exhaling when he realizes that he has to go now. He turns his face back to Jeongin. "I’ll see you later.”
Jeongin doesn’t know what is wrong with him. Maybe the cold wind is blowing any kind of inhibition away because he listens to his first impulse and gets on his tiptoes to kiss Chan’s cheek. “Good luck.”
Chan blinks, rubbing his cheek, the hint of a smile settling on his face. “Yeah. Thanks.” He takes Jeongin’s hand briefly to squeeze it and then heads into the school building.
Jeongin’s eyes follow him until he realizes that his friends are staring at him.
“What?” Jeongin frowns.
Jisung smirks. “Chan completely ignored us.”
Jeongin tilts his head, a wave of guilt washing over him. “Oh, I’m sorry, I—”
“No, that’s not what I mean,” Jisung interrupts him. “What I’m saying is that he had eyes for nobody except you.”
Jeongin blinks excessively, warmth nestling in his chest. “Stop talking that bullshit,” he says, waving it off and staring at the ground.
But his smile stays.
Chan passes Suneung as one of the best students in his year. It would be more than tolerated to see him brag about it but he doesn't. Instead, he takes his time to buy presents for his family and friends to thank them for their support, but he disguises it by saying that it was for Christmas.
Jeongin accepts the present under the condition of Chan resting for the next two months until graduation. He wouldn't have it any other way considering that Chan bought him a longboard.
He doesn't understand why his gift is so much more expensive than the rest but every time he asks, Chan stresses that Jeongin basically saved his life by regularly checking on him, cooking food, cuddling, and massaging him. Those moments actually felt more like a reward to Jeongin but he can't say that, of course.
The day Chan leaves feels almost unreal which is probably why Jeongin can’t even really cry about it. Maybe it’s more bearable because Chan promised to regularly call and text him. Jeongin’s just glad that Chan was here to witness his sixteenth birthday.
Jeongin starts working in a restaurant near to his school on the weekends and studies almost every afternoon with Seungmin. After seeing Chan succeeding in his final exam, he decided that he should upgrade his lacking study schedule. There’s almost no time to meet with the others for hangouts but he supposes it’s fine since everybody is busy.
After two months, however, Jeongin notices how much he’s actually missing Chan. He’s not unhappy about his current life but it’s boring. Every day he wakes up to the same morning ritual, takes the same bus to school, and does the same exercises. At first, he thinks it’s a weird sign of growing up but he doesn’t feel particularly mature.
After another month he starts visiting the Bang family again to check on Hannah and Lucas regularly. However, there’s a weird gap between them, so it isn’t like he can spend time with them like they were good old friends. But he talks a lot to Sooyoung and realizes that she doesn’t only miss Chan but is getting quite depressed over his absence.
The last day of school is weird. Jeongin’s relieved that he’s survived his first year of high school but it's the first time starting the summer vacation without Chan, who's in Busan with Changbin right now. He extended his trip to the beginning of August, meaning that he’ll be back shortly before the beginning of Jeongin’s last school year.
Jeongin surprisingly doesn’t mind it too much because he can spend more time working two more jobs aside from his shifts as a waiter.
“No, seriously. You should take more than just one day off per week,” Felix says, pushing again to speed up.
Ever since Jeongin got his longboard, they’ve been hanging out a lot on their own because Felix lives quite close to him. By now, Jeongin is pretty decent on his longboard and they go out for little tours when they have time.
“Money doesn’t grow on trees,” Jeongin says, catching up with Felix and grabbing his small hand.
“I know but what do you need the money for? I thought your mom wants to pay for university,” Felix says. “I mean I get it. Pocket money and stuff like that. But you work full-time.”
Jeongin slightly tugs at Felix’s hand to slow down their rapid pace. “I think it’s just the panic mode,” he reluctantly explains. “We had money problems for the majority of my life. I don’t want to fall back into that hole, you know?”
Felix turns his head around to face Jeongin, frowning. “Yeah, makes sense. Just don’t overwork yourself.” He concentrates on the streets again, letting go of Jeongin’s hand to dodge some passers-by. When he comes back, he asks, “Is there anything, in particular, you’re saving up for?”
Jeongin looks at him in surprise because nobody’s ever asked him this question. “Uh, I think…” He shifts his weight back to make a sharp turn as a kid runs into his way. Felix follows him and takes his hand again.
“A motorcycle.”
Felix lifts an eyebrow, tilting his head. “For real?”
Jeongin nods. “My dad hated motorcycles. And I don’t want a car. People can take too many things with them and just leave you.” He bites his tongue, rethinking his choice to say so much but Felix squeezes his hand in an attempt to console him, and Jeongin can’t help but smile.
“Oh, we’re already at the park,” Felix says, slowing down his board. “I think that’s a new record.”
“We need to measure the time at some point,” Jeongin says, waving when he discovers Jisung and Seungmin, who are sitting on a bench, waiting for them.
“Wow, guys. It’s a hangout and not a date,” Seungmin teases, nodding at Jeongin’s and Felix’s intertwined hands.
“Oh, shut up,” Jeongin says, trying to avoid Jisung’s eyes.
They’ve talked about it endless times before. Jeongin is sure that he could write a whole thesis about why he’d never date Felix and Jisung would have his doubts regardless. It’s ridiculous.
Jeongin knows who his heart belongs to.
The text message telling that Chan was back detonates like a bomb. His train had a delay, causing him to arrive five hours later than originally planned. Jeongin had put on his pajamas because it’s already two o’clock in the morning, but he doesn’t even hesitate a second to jump out of bed and rush over to Chan’s house.
Sooyoung opens the door for him, beaming and waving him inside. She seems wide awake despite having heavy eyebags, and she looks at Chan, who’s standing in the living room, with so much love that Jeongin can feel it as well.
Jeongin runs towards him and hops onto his back without any warning.
Chan yelps and then laughs before carrying him around, eventually dropping him on the sofa.
“Welcome home,” Jeongin says as Chan turns around to look at him.
“Thanks,” Chan says, smiling adorably and causing Jeongin’s heart to do some cartwheels. He eyes Jeongin, amused. “Nice outfit. You should stay for the night.”
So Jeongin does. When he curls up against Chan he realizes how much he’s actually grown. Last year it was a lot easier to sleep in Chan’s bed and now they have to lie on top of each other. But it isn't any less comfortable.
Jeongin can feel goosebumps crawling all over his arms when he feels Chan’s breath on his neck, giggling as he digs his fingernails into Chan’s waist. Although Chan seems extremely exhausted, he starts describing the universities he visited in great detail, and then talks about his sightseeing tours, gushing over the great street food that he tried in Busan, Incheon, Daegu, Seoul, and many more.
He even visited Hyunjin in Seoul and although Jeongin knows Hyunjin’s school already, he loves hearing about it from Chan again.
Chan notices that Jeongin has gotten really quiet and takes his hand. “Are you alright?”
Jeongin nods, pressing his face against Chan’s broad chest. “I was busy scaring off customers and trying to ride a longboard without falling on my ass. And you? You actually did something.”
Chan chuckles softly. “I really loved traveling around and checking out all those places but I really missed you guys.”
“We missed you too,” Jeongin whispers, squeezing his eyes shut as the memories of the past five months hit him again. He hesitates and then asks, “Does this mean you’ll study in Bucheon?”
The upcoming silence is heavy.
“Actually, I haven’t told anybody yet because I wanted it to be confirmed but…” Chan swallows. “There’s a really good university in Busan. And I think studying engineering there could be great. Bin likes it too.”
Jeongin looks at Chan although there’s almost complete darkness surrounding them. “But why Busan? You could go to SKY if a big university is important to you. Seoul isn’t that far away from here.”
“A lot of people apply for SKY because it’s closer to us. But PNU is a really good university too and Busan is a pretty city,” Chan explains, caressing the back of Jeongin’s head. “Don’t worry. I’ll come back. I promise.”
“That’s what my dad said,” Jeongin says without a second thought and bites his tongue. Shame crawls down his back, hot and stinging, and he pushes himself away to roll around.
“Innie.”
Jeongin curls up, hiding his face in the pillow. He doesn’t want to cry, he doesn’t want to cry, he doesn’t want to—
“Jeongin.” Chan wraps an arm around Jeongin’s waist and presses his chest against Jeongin’s back. “We’ve talked about this before. I try to keep my promises. And you know that.”
Of course, Jeongin does. He can’t blame Chan for chasing his dreams, he absolutely fucking can’t. But it doesn’t stop hurting, his chest aching so painfully that his breathing grows thin and ragged. He sniffs, tears rolling sideways down his face and sinking into the pillow.
“You mean so much to me,” Chan whispers into the back of Jeongin’s neck. “I can’t… I don’t know what to do to convince you. But it’s the truth.”
Jeongin turns around in Chan’s arms and gasps when their noses bump against each other. Chan is so close—it suddenly feels like he’s all over Jeongin’s body. Jeongin’s just glad that the darkness hides the deep blush of his face.
“You can only convince me by sticking to your promise,” he mumbles.
Chan moves up to kiss Jeongin’s forehead. “Challenge accepted.”
“And that’s when he asked me to be his boyfriend. Isn’t that great?”
Jeongin yawns, rolling over in his bed. “I’d find it greater if you didn’t call me late at night to tell me this,” he grumbles.
“Oh, I’m so sorry that I’m trying to share my happiness with my little brother.”
Jeongin can basically hear Hyunjin’s pout through the phone and smiles weakly. “I am happy for you. It’s just… I don’t know. Unexpected,” he says, hugging his pillow. “Although you do talk a lot about him. I thought it was just a role model thing, you know?"
“Yeah, it’s weird. Because at first, I was so sure that I was just admiring Minho hyung. But at some point, I realized it isn’t about being like him but being with him? If that makes any sense.”
“Sounds like something out of a romance movie, so I’m sure it’s right,” Jeongin teases. “You should bring him next vacation, so you can introduce him to mom.”
"You think she'll be fine with that?"
Jeongin blinks in disbelief, tilting his head. "Yeah, of course. You've been working so hard. I think mom will be glad if you tell her about it."
Hyunjin chuckles. "Yeah, you're right." He makes a heavy pause. "What about you?"
Jeongin frowns. "What about me?" he asks in a monotone voice.
"The whole dating thing. Aren't you interested in—"
"No," Jeongin interrupts. He shakes his head so hard that he becomes dizzy. "But my friends seem to get into this whole love kinda stuff. There, uh, there might be something between Felix and Jisung." He says it only to distract Hyunjin and is surprised when it actually works.
"Oh, really? I knew it! They'd be a great couple."
Jeongin nods until he remembers that Hyunjin can't see him. "Yeah, I feel like... I mean, Chan was away for months, so Felix's feelings probably subsided."
"Right, Chan… I heard he'll move away in November."
Jeongin swallows. "Yeah. I mean he can visit us." He can feel how Hyunjin holds his breath, probably trying to find the right words.
“I don’t want to be an asshole, but Minho studied at PNU before applying to the dance school.” Hyunjin interrupts himself with a heavy sigh, obviously struggling to find the right words. “If you study at PNU you don’t really have time. It’s hard. So don’t expect him to come over for every single vacation. For me, it’s already difficult to come over regularly, although I only live an hour away from you.”
Jeongin sighs, his fingers curling into his pillow. He did some research around PNU, so Hyunjin’s words aren’t a surprise, but it stings regardless. “You’re right,” he mumbles. “I expect too much from him.”
“No, you’re just sad,” Hyunjin says in a gentle voice. “Try to enjoy the bit of time you guys have left.”
Chan invites Jeongin into a newly opened cafe from the chain Ediya Coffee to catch up on Jeongin's life. They've never done this before. Sitting in a peaceful, cozy corner of a cafe with hot drinks to do nothing but talk.
No bike tour. No walking with Berry. No picnic in the park.
It is a pretty cold day but still. Chan's face seems a bit paler, less enthusiastic, so maybe he doesn't feel like going outside today.
"Do you even like coffee?" Jeongin asks, leaning a bit forward to take a glimpse of Chan's drink.
Chan takes a sip, shuddering. "Kinda got used to the taste?" he mumbles.
Jeongin sighs. "You're not supposed to drink that stuff just to keep yourself awake. Try it with sleep instead." He takes Chan's cup and drinks from it without batting an eyelash, although it's pure black coffee. "Here." He pushes his mug with hot chocolate towards Chan.
"And since when have you been drinking coffee?" Chan asks.
"Since I started working," Jeongin answers. “The restaurant I work for has really good coffee. I don't know. It's become part of my morning routine."
Chan smiles. "Wow. Look at you growing up."
"Stop saying that," Jeongin mumbles, his cheeks tingling. He takes the laminated menu card to skim over the offers. "Do you want some cake? I can pay for it."
"No way. I was away for months, so I have to treat you."
Jeongin rolls his eyes. "You say that as if you were trying to make up for things. But you’ll be gone by next month anyway." He's surprised that he was able to say that sentence without the lump in his throat suffocating him. He pulls his hands back to hide them under the table.
Chan chews on his bottom lip, his fingers drumming a fast rhythm on the edge of the table. "How about strawberry cake? We could share."
Jeongin nods and watches Chan waving a waiter over to them. He quickly notices the way Chan stares at the employee with glassy eyes, his mouth slightly ajar. Jeongin takes a closer look at the waiter. He's at least five years older than Chan, a bit taller with an admittedly charming smile. His gaze lowers until it stops at the name card.
Younghyun.
"Do you like him?" Jeongin asks as soon as the waiter is out of earshot.
Chan blushes, smiling. "What?"
Jeongin purses his lips, fiddling with the spoon. "You can admit it. I'm not a baby anymore." He avoids eye contact and looks around.
Round tables set crisscrossed in the room under dimmed lamps hanging from the ceiling. The bitter-sweet aroma of ground coffee swirling in the air. Jazz pouring out of the music boxes. It almost seems like a fraction of time has been put on loop.
"I mean, yeah, he’s cute. But I don't think I'd have a chance," Chan says and Jeongin wants to laugh, not because Chan’s funny but out of pure despair. There's no way somebody could reject Chan. Chan.
"I'm too young for him, don't you think?" Chan continues, chuckling in embarrassment.
Jeongin can feel his chest tightening. "Oh, don't worry. You have the spirit of a grandpa," he comments, hoping his voice didn't crack too obviously.
Chan gasps dramatically. "Wow. This is how you want to treat me after all the time I was away?"
"It was your choice. You're always the one leaving." Jeongin doesn't mean to say the last part but oh well, it's out now and hangs in between them heavily. He bites his tongue, leaning back and gripping his thighs, the warmth of his palms bleeding through the fabric of his jeans.
Chan's smile drops. "Innie..."
"Don't," Jeongin interrupts. “Forget what I said."
"You know that I'll come back."
Before Jeongin can answer, the waiter is back with their order. The cake looks absolutely mouthwatering, perfect biscuit layers squished in between pink cream with cut strawberry pieces, but Jeongin's stomach churns at the sight.
"You can eat it," Jeongin says, scooting towards the window and staring outside.
"Come on, Innie," Chan sighs.
Jeongin observes stressed people rushing through the busy streets, almost being run over by cars. Although it's more peaceful inside, Jeongin kind of wants to just run away. Not only from Chan and the stupid strawberry cake but also the heavy, silent confession that doesn't want to come out of his mouth.
"Please. I know I won't be here for long," Chan says softly. “So let's enjoy our time together. Please."
Jeongin looks up, frowning. Then he nods and grabs the fork.
"You're not concentrating on the problems," Seungmin says, tapping his pen against Jeongin's shoulder.
Jeongin jerks away, almost as if the pen had burned him. He exhales heavily, pinching the bridge of his nose. "I just. I can't stop thinking."
"About what?"
"Everything. Nothing. I don't know," Jeongin groans, leaning back in his creaking chair. Usually, it's pretty easy to focus on schoolwork with Seungmin next to him but today the world seems to be going the wrong way.
"It's probably Chan," Seungmin says, standing up to open the window.
A gust of fresh wind blows inside, hitting Jeongin's fuming head. He sighs in relief, just now realizing how stuffy Seungmin's room actually is. They've been studying for two hours now, but effectively Jeongin worked around twenty minutes.
"I just can't believe that he'll be gone in two weeks," Jeongin mumbles. “He was away for so long just to go for even longer this time."
"But it was pretty obvious that he wants to study in another city," Seungmin says, falling on his bed.
Jeongin stands up and flings himself across the room to land next to him. "I know but—"
“You were in denial. Very human."
Jeongin clicks his tongue, rolling his eyes. "Could you stop analyzing me for a second and just... be my friend?"
"That's part of the contract. You should've read the small print," Seungmin teases, rolling onto his side to face Jeongin, his round glasses now sitting crooked on his nose.
Jeongin takes them off and places them on the bedside table, afraid that they’ll break if they keep doing acrobatics on Seungmin's bed. "Can I terminate the contract?"
"Nope. You're stuck with me for a lifetime."
Jeongin bites his lower lip. "Everybody says that."
Seungmin frowns, his mouth forming a straight line. He knows about Jeongin's father but has never asked in detail about him. There's a heavy tension weighing down on them—it feels like the bed would give in at any moment.
"I mean I can't promise you that I'll stay forever," Seungmin says. “But I do believe in our friend group. It isn't for nothing, you know? Even if our ways part..." He swallows, staring at the ceiling.
Jeongin grins. "No way. Are you becoming emotional?"
Seungmin grabs a pillow and hits Jeongin's face. "I’ll never talk to you again."
"Nah, I don't have a problem with that."
They start wrestling on the bed, laughing, screaming, and squealing before grabbing more pillows and hitting each other until they're breathless, lying on the mattress again, Jeongin on top of Seungmin. Jeongin closes his eyes, listening to Seungmin's fast heartbeat throbbing against his ear. He smiles, lifting his head a bit to look at Seungmin's red, sweaty face.
"Thanks."
Seungmin frowns.
"For helping me with studying and for this." Jeongin relaxes and buries his face in the crook of Seungmin’s neck.
In the beginning, he refused every kind of skinship, only used to touching Chan and being touched by Chan. But Seungmin remained insistent and now he counts as one of the exceptions Jeongin doesn't want to bite as soon as they're in a closer reach.
"You know. If you really love him, you should tell him," Seungmin suddenly says and Jeongin can feel his stomach dropping to his feet.
He coughs, his throat tight and dry. "What?"
Seungmin sighs as if he had explained it oh so many times to Jeongin's dumb, little brain. "Chan. He'll be gone soon. So if you want to tell him... tell him."
Jeongin stares at him in disbelief before he laughs, high and shrill, feeling like a maniac. Or maybe Seungmin is the maniac for suggesting something so utterly stupid. "Wow, I thought you were the smart one."
Seungmin smacks the back of Jeongin's head lightly before ruffling through his hair. "I am the smart one. You think you're brave for keeping your mouth shut and enduring all the pain. But it's stupid."
"You can't talk about this kinda stuff," Jeongin argues.
"I can. I've been watching you for years."
"Wow, okay, stalker." Jeongin rolls off Seungmin, his back landing flat on the bouncy mattress. His heart is still racing but it's not from their prior pillow fight.
"Jeongin. Everybody knows that you two are—"
"What? Best friends? Brothers? Father and son? I can't hear it anymore," Jeongin grumbles, running his fingers through his damped hair.
"There's something unresolved between you two," Seungmin says in a softer voice. “Don't you want to take care of that before he moves away?"
Of course, Jeongin does. Actually, he pictured himself confessing so many times at night when he thrashes around in his bed, realizing that he's nothing, nothing in this universe, and that his time is extremely limited on this earth. His feelings shouldn't matter that much but they hurt. They hurt so much, it’s already painful to think that he probably won't see Chan for the next few years considering how busy he'll be.
"Tell me. What's the worst thing that could happen?" Seungmin asks.
Jeongin hesitates, pulling up his shoulders. "Maybe he won't ever talk to me again," he says, his voice edged with tension.
"Chan loves you," Seungmin immediately says, and Jeongin finds it almost hilarious how easily the word love comes out of Seungmin's mouth because it's probably the scariest thing to ever say and he didn’t expect to hear it so casually.
"No, he doesn't."
"He does." Seungmin grabs Jeongin's shoulder. "No matter if it's romantic or platonic, you mean so much to him. You keep underestimating his feelings for you."
"But he keeps leaving. Why does he do that if he loves me?" Jeongin speaks in a suffocated whisper.
The way Seungmin's eyes glimmer tells Jeongin that he doesn't have the answer either.
Jeongin rolls onto his stomach to hide his face in the hollow of his crossed arms before letting out a muffled scream, his thoughts still raging like a thunderstorm in his head and slowly evolving into the worst headache.
"People do weird things when they don't know what they want."
"You sound like an old man, trapped in the body of a seventeen-year-old," Jeongin says, eliciting a chuckle.
"No, but... Jeongin. Just consider it," Seungmin says, gently massaging Jeongin's back. “People regret the things they haven't done rather than the things they have done."
"Can't speak for this case," Jeongin mumbles, peeking through his arms at Seungmin.
"I'm just giving you tips. I actually have no idea about love." Seungmin grins, tickling Jeongin. "I'm better at Maths, so let's get back to that."When Jeongin leaves after their study session, he needs to run from the bus station to his home because the clouds are getting dense, announcing the upcoming rain. It's weird to think about how he hasn't seen Chan outside in weeks—not even for taking Berry on a walk.
Jeongin just hopes it won't rain on the day Chan leaves.
The night before Chan leaves, Jeongin can't sleep. He's seen Chan a lot this week but he keeps thinking about all the things they didn't do. There weren't enough picnics in the park, not enough bike tours, not enough trips to the Mini Stop.
He could do those things over and over again, never getting tired of them.
He can't resist the transition into sleep forever, his eyelids heavy from exhaustion. The next few hours consist of rolling around in bed, never finding a comfortable position, slipping into half-sleep for a minute, and rearranging the pillow, almost punching it in frustration.
Jeongin wakes up earlier than his mom and decides to make some breakfast. He wonders if Chan has packed his stuff already. Probably. His bus to Busan will arrive in the evening.
Jeongin takes a look into the fridge and sighs at the yawning emptiness. It's not the first time his mom forgot to buy groceries. He can't be mad at her since she's currently working harder to be promoted and somehow manages to take even more shifts. He's already tried to talk her out of it but again, his stubbornness has to come from somewhere.
Jeongin spontaneously decides to go to the Mini Stop and get some food from there. Sometimes he wonders if Mr. Choi sleeps enough because it's six o’clock and he's already chipper, greeting Jeongin enthusiastically.
"Little bit early for a grocery shopping tour."
Jeongin nods, suppressing a yawn. "Just want to buy stuff for breakfast."
"I see. Do you need any recommendations?"
Jeongin shrugs, leaning against the counter. He hasn't even changed his clothes but it isn't an unfamiliar sight for Mr. Choi to see customers in pajamas coming into his shop early in the morning. Although they have restaurants, karaoke bars, and cinemas nearby, Jeongin is still convinced that this is the metropolis of Bucheon.
"How about Kimchi toast? It's good for digestion," Mr. Choi says. “The bakery's open too. We don't have a lot of vegetables here, but I'm sure you'll find something."
Jeongin lazily smiles, rubbing his eyes. "Hmh, yeah. Your shop is like a treasure chest," he mumbles, his voice still rough from sleep.
Mr. Choi chuckles. "That's funny. Chan said something similar."
Jeongin tries to keep his smile up, ignoring the sting in his chest.
"Today is the day, right?" Mr. Choi asks. “It's crazy how time flies."
Jeongin nods and turns around before Mr. Choi can read the emotions on his face. He grabs the food he needs, his head switching to autopilot. When he returns to the counter, Mr. Choi smiles at him, almost pitifully, and types in the bill.
Then he kneels and rummages under the countertop before pulling out a box with pineapple juice cartons. "Here. It's a limited edition." He squints his eyes to read the description. "Oh yeah, mixed with orange juice. Take that as a present for Chan."
Jeongin has enough time to prepare breakfast before his mom wakes up, but he isn’t really hungry anymore by the time he's finished. He still forces some food down his throat, knowing that he can't keep challenging his body.
"That was delicious!" Aeri says, pushing back her chair to stand up. "I have to get ready for work. What's your plan for today?"
Jeongin shrugs, putting the plates into the sink. "Maybe taking my longboard with me."
"Don't be out for too long. I even canceled my last shift for today."
Right. Sooyoung invited them over for dinner to properly say goodbye to Chan. Jeongin wishes he could do more than just showing up with pineapple juice but he's been too stressed to figure out a decent present.
Jeongin would ask Felix to come with him but today he doesn't feel like interacting with other people at all, so he takes his longboard and starts aimlessly strolling through the streets. The sun rises further and dips the city into warm tones of orange and red, however, the air is still crisp, and every breath Jeongin takes feels like he's cleaning his lungs.
He ends up in the park, rolling down the cobbled paths, drowning in the silence of the park. He's used to seeing kids running around here, all benches occupied by parents, and teenagers climbing up the trees to see who's the bravest out of the group.
Now it feels like time is slowing down.
Jeongin takes in the sight of the flower meadow, the high trees, and the playground. He remembers how gigantic the climbing scaffold seemed the first time he came here to play with Jisung and Seungmin. It's still somewhat big in his eyes. A relatively big slide, some monkey bars, poles, a tunnel, a net, and a climbing wall, everything connected with wooden platforms topped with little cherry-red roofs.
Jeongin smiles, remembering the endless number of times he and Chan climbed on everything, and how Chan continued doing so although he was already bigger and broader than Jeongin, hitting his head everywhere.
"You'll miss him too, huh?" Jeongin mumbles, sliding his hands along the climbing wall. Maybe he's absolutely losing his mind for talking to a piece of wood but he suddenly feels bad for the playground because it's a big part of so many happy childhood memories.
Jeongin doesn't return home until lunch, planning to shower and making himself look somewhat presentable before heading over to Chan. He stops when he sees the open door of Chan's house through the ajar gate, two people standing on the doormat and hugging each other.
He needs another moment to recognize Sana.
Jeongin sprints into his house, almost as if he could just run away from the building turmoil in his head. He throws his clothes through the apartment before getting into the shower, shrieking when ice-cold water hits his shaking body.
What if...
What if Sana has had the same thought? The thought of confessing on Chan's last day? But Chan has been very clear about wanting to stay friends with her. But the hug seemed so intimate. But Chan will leave anyway. But Sana—
Jeongin bangs his head against the tiled wall, screaming in frustration. It's stupid to even consider confessing to Chan. Where is the point? He'll destroy everything. Years and years of friendship. It's better to have Chan this way rather than not at all.
Right?
"No," he says, his voice drowned in the stream of water pouring down his back, “it's not better. It's not, it's not, it's not—"
He closes his eyes and tips his head back, water slapping his face until it's numb. He grabs his hair and pulls it hard, trying to calm down this roaring monster inside of him. He doesn't know how much time passes while he's standing in the shower but he decides that he needs to get out as soon as he starts shivering.
He collects his clothes that he tossed on the floor before and stumbles into his room, staring at his bed and debating whether it'd be good to just throw himself on the mattress like trash. But his hair is still wet, so he opts for drying it and putting on some clothes, his head still pounding (Did he cry under the shower?).
He reaches out for his phone, thinking about calling Seungmin. His thumb hovers over the green button, trembling and coming closer to the screen just to back off.
"No, I have to do this on my own," Jeongin mumbles.
He sits on the edge of his bed and starts rocking back and forth, hoping that he could shake off useless thoughts but his brain keeps churning through the endless span of possible scenarios.
He could keep his mouth shut. He could confess. He could kiss Chan. He could stay at home and never say goodbye.
Jeongin shakes his head and falls on the mattress, hugging himself. He's so sick of just swallowing everything. Sick of watching Chan going about his life without turning his head back. Sick of sitting around just to wait for destiny to give him what he wants.
Jeongin jumps up and grabs the box with pineapple juice cartons. His mom won't be here for the next hour but he doesn't want to wait and decides to go over by himself. Although Chan's house is less than fifty steps away from his, Jeongin feels like going on a whole world tour, the package heavy in his hands.
When he stands in front of the door, he plays around with different excuses he could say in case Chan opens for him, but nothing makes sense in his head, so he just rings the bell. As he hears steps getting closer he can feel his heart racing, tension building up in his chest, just to be released when Hannah sticks her head out.
"Oh, hi!" she greets him, smiling. "Chan went to say goodbye to his friends but I'm sure he'll be back soon." She steps aside.
Sooyoung is preparing food, a concentrated look on her face, but she breaks out in a smile when she sees Jeongin. "You're early!" She wipes her hands on her apron to hug Jeongin and kiss his head.
"She won't stop cooking," Hannah says. “Can't let go of her little Channie boy."
Sooyoung pouts and opens the fridge to take out some vegetables. "I have to cook because we'll be having guests."
"It's just Jeongin and his mom," Hannah mumbles, throwing herself on the couch.
"I mean, Jeongin has to eat a lot to grow big, right?" Sooyoung says, almost a little desperate.
Jeongin's gaze softens as he realizes how difficult it must be for her to let go. He'd been so caught up in his own feelings that he didn't think about how much it must hurt her.
"I can help you with the food. I'm a pretty decent cook," he offers.
Standing in the kitchen and preparing food calms Jeongin down to the point where he almost forgets why he's here in the first place. He tries to make a mental note of visiting Sooyoung regularly after Chan leaves because he can already hear how much she'll miss him.
He freezes when he hears the door opening and then falling shut.
"Chan! We have a guest," Sooyoung yells.
Chan enters the living room, smiling when he sees Jeongin.
"You two can go upstairs. Thanks for your help, Jeongin," Sooyoung says.
Jeongin grabs the pineapple juice cartons and follows Chan into his room. He grimaces when he sees a few boxes standing around. "Will you take all that stuff with you?"
"It's not a lot but... yeah. There’s plenty of room on the bus our parents booked.”
Again, Jeongin nods and rips open the box with pineapple juice before throwing a carton in Chan’s direction. "It's a present from Mr. Choi."
"Thanks!" Chan smiles, poking at the carton with the straw. "I'll miss him a lot."
"You won't miss anything else?" Jeongin jokes.
Chan sits down next to Jeongin. "You know that I can barely live without you," he giggles.
Jeongin bites his lower lip, turning his head away.
"That's the part where you say that you feel the same and don't want me to leave," Chan teases.
Jeongin frowns, digging his fingernails into the bedsheets. "Okay. I feel the same and don't want you to leave." He turns his head back to face Chan, staring at him with dark eyes.
Chan blinks in surprise before coughing awkwardly. Jeongin usually isn't that upfront about his feelings and it shows because Chan runs one hand over his thigh nervously, the other one holding his juice carton.
"But you will leave anyway," Jeongin whispers, now looking down.
"I have to. I can't... I can't just sit here and wait for everything to fall into place," Chan says, forcing a smile on his face.
"You're right. I don't want to do that either," Jeongin says, still avoiding eye contact.
Chan frowns. "What do you mean?"
Jeongin takes a deep breath, fiddling with the pineapple juice carton. Of course, he thought about a few things he could say but words fail him the moment he chooses to open his mouth. There is no way to describe what exactly he feels, so he just stares at the wall.
"You can talk to me," Chan says softly, reaching out for Jeongin's shoulder.
Jeongin scoots back, his cheeks burning. "I... No, I..." He gulps. "I don't want you to hate me."
Chan tilts his head. "I could never. I'm sure whatever it is, we can figure it out."
Chan has always been good at comforting him. No matter how bad the situation is, he has the power to make you believe what he says.
It doesn't work this time, though.
"Can we?" Jeongin mumbles, tears pooling in his eyes.
Chan doesn't hesitate to pull him into a hug, caressing the back of his head. "Shhh, you'll be fine. You'll be fine."
Jeongin closes his eyes, holding onto Chan as if he was about to drown.
"Come on. You can tell me," Chan mumbles, threading his fingers through Jeongin's hair.
"I can only tell you if you won't leave," Jeongin says, his voice breaking at the end of the sentence.
Chan doesn't answer, still caressing Jeongin's head, and Jeongin hates how good it feels. How good it feels to be hugged by Chan. How good it feels to bury his nose in Chan's hoodie. How good it feels to listen to Chan's even heartbeat.
"I'm sorry. I'm making things complicated," Jeongin whispers.
"Well, feelings aren't easy. It's fine."
Jeongin can feel Chan's heartbeat fasten and it makes him feel jittery. "Yeah...” he hesitantly says, "I saw you with Sana today." His swallow is obnoxiously loud—there's no way Chan didn't hear it.
Chan's hand pauses for a few seconds before wandering down into Jeongin's nape to massage it. "Yeah. She said goodbye."
"Are you guys... I know it's none of my business."
Chan chuckles. "It's okay." He clears his throat.
"We're friends. I don't see her like that anymore. It's better now." He leans back to take a look at Jeongin's face. "Is there a reason you're asking?"
Both know that there has to be a reason because Jeongin isn't the type to ramble and ask unnecessary questions out of curiosity. Jeongin thinks it should be quite obvious what he's getting at but Chan still looks at him with all the patience in the world, waiting for an answer.
The problem is that Jeongin doesn't even know how to put his thoughts into a response that makes at least somewhat sense. There shouldn't be a reason he's asking in the first place. It's ridiculous to be jealous, but since he's already mentioned Sana he can't just back out.
"I was just worried. Because, uh, you said that you don't really want to get into a serious relationship," Jeongin mumbles. It's ironic how weak his voice sounds because he wants to fight.
"I mean I want to focus on uni, but I can't control everything in life." Chan shrugs. "Sometimes you find the right person at the wrong time. I have to sort my priorities then."
Jeongin nods, struggling to control his shaking body. "I..." He coughs, trying to get rid of the lump in his throat. "I think you're that person for me."
It's out. Out in the open. Jeongin's weak confession lingers overhead, slowly evolving into what feels like a sinister thundercloud of choked-up hope that is sure to disappoint, especially when Chan's smile drops.
"I don't understand what you mean," he says, letting go of Jeongin.
Jeongin can feel the panic bubbling under his skin like thousands of needles but he still looks at Chan, trying to keep a calm facade. "The right person. You're the right person for me," he says, his voice a little more steady now.
Jeongin can feel the rain from that thundercloud pouring down on him when Chan grimaces as if he were in pain.
The silence settling between them seems to be stretched into eternity.
"Jeongin." Chan's voice is wretched with misery and it makes Jeongin's blood boil. "I love you. I love you more than anything in the world."
He exhales, wringing his hands. "But not like that."
Jeongin stares at him in disbelief. Not about Chan's words but about his naivety. He's so stupid.
"I thought that was clear," Chan mumbles. "I'm sorry if I've ever sent you mixed signals but I was trying to treat you like my brother. That’s why we’re so close and—"
"Of course," Jeongin says, his voice strangled. "I'm sorry, I really shouldn't have... yeah. Of course. I'm, yeah. I know. I didn't expect you to like me back. I just wanted to say it before you leave."
Chan reaches out to grab Jeongin's hand but Jeongin pulls back, fiddling with the hem of his shirt and looking everywhere except Chan's face. He can't stop the tears from running down his cheeks but he doesn't care anymore, too focused on the aching pain in his chest, pulling it together so tight that his heart shrinks.
"Sorry. I'm so sorry," he apologizes again. "I know. It's stupid. You're a brother to me as well." Everything in him screams that this couldn't be further away from the truth.
"Innie, it's okay. You don't have to force yourself to say stuff like this," Chan says gently. "It's just... It happens. We can't control our feelings. Everything can just stay the same."
"Yeah, sure," Jeongin says on the verge of sobbing. He's never felt so helpless and the fact that Chan still tries to be understanding makes everything so much worse. It would be easier to get over this if Chan screamed at him, but instead, he does exactly what Jeongin loves him so much for.
Chan wants to say something but then they hear Sooyoung's muffled voice yelling from downstairs, "Boys! Aeri is here! Let's eat!"
"Coming!" Chan shouts back, still looking at Jeongin with pity.
Jeongin doesn't react, just staring at his hands. Fuck, he didn't expect it to hurt that much. The humiliation burns his face so painfully that he keeps asking himself why he had to do it.
After all, there are still three and a half planetary constellations between them.
"Innie. It'll be fine."
Without saying another word, Jeongin stands up and leaves Chan's room.
Dinner is the worst. Jeongin has to suppress all of his emotions, push his sadness and the heavy rejection back as far as possible to pretend that everything is just like always. He mainly talks to Hannah and Lucas, trying to avoid Chan.
Soon, he figures that it's too obvious, so he initiates a conversation with Chan, his tone a tad too excited and happy, ignoring Chan's worried looks.
When the bus arrives, Chan hugs everybody but Jeongin can feel his awkwardness. Chan ruffles through Jeongin's hair in an attempt to take away the tension. It doesn't work.
"I'll miss you so much," Sooyoung says, crying but also smiling. She cups Chan's face and kisses his forehead.
"I'll try to visit sometime," Chan says. “Or you guys can come down to Busan."
When Chan drives away, Jeongin realizes that he's begun crying again. Shortly afterward the sky roars above their heads and pours down rain on them.
Another year.
Another summer.
Another day.
Jeongin feels like he owns every bit of summer vacation, especially when he dashes down the streets with his longboard, Felix following him closely. "Not too close! You remember what happened the last time, right?" Jeongin shouts against the wind.
He doesn't want to recall the pain of Felix riding into him, making both of them tumble over. He's actually stupid lucky because he's never broken any bones and he'd prefer if it stayed this way.
"But we're late!" Felix argues and pushes several times to catch up, dodging some complaining passers-by.
They are, in fact, late but Seungmin and Jisung arrive even later—a sign that the world is still at peace.
"We should start setting the time an hour early for Jisung. And the rest of us can arrive at the usual time," Felix teases.
Jisung pouts before rambling thousands of excuses why he and Seungmin missed the bus again.
"You should stick to your bikes then," Jeongin sighs.
"Or you should also get longboards," Felix suggests, grinning. “They're way cooler than bikes."
"Well, not everybody has a Chan hyung who buys them a longboard," Jisung snaps back.
Everybody stares at each other in awkward silence.
"Right, did somebody hear from him?" Jisung asks.
Jeongin presses his mouth into a thin line, looking up to the sky.
Another year.
Another summer.
Another day without Chan.