Chapter Text
The world can be cruel. That is something all cats tell their kits at some point. Nothing is fair. Out in the wild, it’s hunt or be hunted. Eat or be eaten. There’s nothing to protect you out there besides yourself, the harsh forces of nature working against you, throwing heat, wind, and snow your way, flooding your home, and setting fire to your shade. You could have days where you find plenty of food and days where you find none.
Smudge had told Rusty all these things. The wild was dangerous and harsh. There was nothing out there to care for you. Yet, something about the forest seemed intriguing to the young fiery tom. Perhaps it was the story of the wild cats who lived feral in the woods, presumably hunting kittypets and eating their bones. There was more to them than just that, Rusty thought. He wondered what it was like for the feral wood cats out there. Did they have a warm place to sleep? Where did they get their water from if not from a bowl? He had so many questions, yet no way to answer them.
“What are you doing?!” Smudge hissed, fear sparking in his eyes as Rusty jumped off of his garden fence and started walking into the dark unknown.
“I’m just going to take a look, Smudge. I won’t be long,” Rusty said back, giving him a small smile over his shoulder.
“Yeah, a look into death’s eyes! Get back here before you get your bones eaten!”
“Relax, Smudge. Nothing is going to happen. I just want to check it out,” Rusty replied, not looking back. He heard Smudge heave a worried sigh as he trudged deeper in.
The last thing Rusty expected as he stalked through the woods was to run headfirst into the claws of a plump gray kit. Well, more so running in the opposite direction once the kit jumped him.
“You fight pretty good for a kittypet!” the gray cat had spoken. “My name’s Graypaw.”
“What do you want from me?” Rusty asked, still a little bit shaken from his sudden turn backward to fight the forest cat.
“Hey, you’re the one hunting on Thunderclan territory!” Graypaw retorted. “You could at least give a decent greeting back and tell me your name…”
“Thunderclan…?” Rusty asked, ignoring the latter part of his statement.
And at that moment, Fireheart’s life changed forever. He learned that the world wasn’t so cruel. In the clans, you care for each other. You have food, shelter, and community. Well, part of a community, as most of the cats in the clan resented Fireheart for his origins. For the most part, Fireheart remained a social outcast within the clan. Mocked and bullied, sometimes Fireheart felt like it was him against the world. That sometimes he deserved it. He was a kittypet, and he was smaller and weaker than almost the entire clan. A lot of the time he just felt outright useless.
Other times, though, he couldn’t care less what other’s said about him. Graystripe always made him feel welcome like he belonged. When Dustpaw and Sandpaw filled his nest with mud every time it rained, Graypaw always offered Firepaw to sleep with him in his. He always felt warmer, sleeping with Graypaw. His thick fur, his big, soft paws around him, and soft purrs as he slept. Admittedly, it was a little creepy, listening to him sleep, but Firepaw enjoyed it. Graypaw made him feel special. From ‘paw to warrior, through thick and thin, they were together. Fireheart was always there for Graystripe, and Graystripe was always there for Fireheart.
... Until he wasn’t.
Fireheart stormed out of camp, tears threatening to break the dam in his eyes. He couldn’t do this anymore, he just couldn’t. He hated being deputy. He always screwed everything up, and everyone always got so mad at him. It was too much. This happened often, the stress and the pressure being too much for Fireheart to deal with while everyone yelled at him, Darkstripe and Longtail sneering at him, calling him that stupid word. He couldn’t deal with Bluestar screaming at him all the time in a clouded rage, blaming him for everything that went wrong, saying it was all his fault. So he just left. He ran out on everyone, ran out on his responsibilities because he was scared of everyone. He was scared of them hating him because he messed up, because he couldn’t deal with everyone asking him things, because he was a kittypet.
Real mature, he thought to himself, tripping over his paws a bit on an exposed root before stumbling to a destination he had no choice in. Usually, when this happened, Sandstorm or Cinderpelt would come out and find him. Sometimes Yellowfang would come out, and she would sit with him for a while and talk about how great of a job he was doing, despite what everyone else said, and that he shouldn’t let these small mistakes keep getting to him like this. It was rare to see this side of the old medicine cat, and Fireheart found comfort in that side of her.
Even though he was glad for her support, he felt like there was a huge hole in his heart. He felt so hollow ever since Graystripe left. He was missing his emotional pillar, the cat who was always there for him when he needed it. Even when they were fighting, and Graystripe wanted nothing more than to claw Fireheart’s ears off, he was still here, and Fireheart could always rely on him being in the clan at some point.
But now, he wasn’t. He had left Thunderclan, left Fireheart, and joined Riverclan with his kits. And it destroyed Fireheart.
Trudging through these woods, Fireheart thought it might not be so sad for Tigerclaw to jump out at him and slit his throat. Maybe it would just be easier…
Fireheart stopped dead in his tracks. Suddenly realizing where he stood, he burst into tears. This is the spot he last saw Graystripe when the tom was walking across the river, Fireheart sobbing on the other side, begging for him not to go. Maybe Fireheart wasn’t good enough for him to stay. He could never tell with Graystipe, despite the fluffy idiot wearing his heart on his fur.
He doesn’t know how long he sat there for, just curled up into a ball and staring into nothing. He didn’t want to think much right now. He didn’t suppose anyone was coming for him today, since he had screwed up the patrols and Whitestorm most likely took over. It baffled him that Bluestar wouldn’t replace him. He hoped after everything little thing that he did wrong that she’d finally realize how horrible he is at his job, and replace him with someone more qualified. Maybe then the clan would lay off him a little. Maybe he could even feel like he would feel a part of it again.
As the sun began to fall, Fireheart was stirred from the half-asleep state he had found himself in after a while, a soft prod at his side.
“Fireheart?” a very familiar, unexpected voice spoke. Fireheart started up immediately.
“Graystrpe?!” Fireheart looked up, his emerald eyes meeting Graystripe’s soft amber ones. “Wh-what are you doing here? I thought-”
“I was just walking along the river again,” Graystripe interrupted. “I saw you curled up over here. Is everything alright?”
“Why do you care?” Fireheart said, surprising himself with the hostility edging his voice. Graystripe backed up a bit and pinned his ears back, and Fireheart immediately backtracked. “Sorry. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean it. Please don’t go.”
Graystripe’s face softened as he sat down again next to Fireheart, heaving a little sigh. “It’s alright. How has your new deputyship been going?” Fireheart screwed his eyes shut.
“I don’t want to talk about it.”
Graystripe raised his brow, “Is it really that bad?”
“Yes,” Fireheart wasted no time answering. “I hate it. It’s so… it’s too… stressful.” Graystripe always had an odd power to make Fireheart answer. He didn’t want to go into specifics, at least.
“I’d imagine. I’m sorry you didn’t really get a say in that.”
“It’s fine,” Fireheart meowed. “I just wish you were there. It would make it easier. I feel like I can’t handle anything without you.” Fireheart knew he was dumping a lot onto Graystripe like it was a casual conversation. Graystripe looked off to the side a bit before responding.
“I’m… sorry. I wish I was still here too.”
“Really…?” Fireheart turned to Graystripe, “do you really?”
“It’s not like I wanted to leave, Fireheart,” Graystripe said. “I wish I could have stayed in Thunderclan with my kits and have had everyone forgive me and we all move along happily.” Graystripe sported a sad smile on his face. “But things just don’t work out like that, do they?”
“I guess not. Nothing ever goes right anymore,” Fireheart said, his filter seeming nonexistent for this conversation. Graystripe nodded in agreement.
“Is everyone doing well? How’s Cinderpelt?” Graystripe asked, clearly wanting to change the subject.
“They’re okay,” Fireheart responded simply.
“That’s… good,” Graystripe managed. A long, painful silence stretched out between them. It was unwelcome to Fireheart. He wanted to talk to Graystripe again, but he could only think of one thing.
“Why’d you really come over here?” Fireheart asked, shifting his gaze down to his paws, his own self-doubt a churning hurricane inside his head. Graystripe only looked at him with a smile.
“I’m not a stranger to crossing these borders, Fireheart,” Graystripe chuckled. “I just really missed you, that’s all.” Fireheart ears shot up. “I was walking along the river thinking of Silversteam again, which you probably don’t want to hear. But when I saw you on the other side, I just felt a strong urge to come to talk to you. Just to hear your voice again.” Heat pooled in Firehearts cheeks, feeling a little overwhelmed by Graystripe's forwardness.
“I like hearing your voice too,” Fireheart told him. Graystripe’s smile grew a little wider. They let another silence fall between them, this one more comfortable.
“Well, we should probably head back now. They’re going to start wondering where we are,” Graystripe suddenly meowed, getting up. “It was nice talking to you.”
Before Graystripe could take a step, Fireheart rushed to him, “Wait! Do you want to see each other again tomorrow? We can meet each other at the river if you’d like…” Graystripe rolled his eyes at the irony, before offering Fireheart a big grin.
“I’d like that very much,” Graystripe replied. Fireheart’s face lit up, feeling a surge of happiness he hadn’t felt since Graystripe had left.
“Okay… okay! Yeah! S-so, how does sunset tomorrow sound?”
“Wait, are you sure this isn’t going to interfere with your duties as deputy? I don’t want you to get in trouble,” Graystripe asked.
“No, I promise!” Fireheart lied. This was totally going to interfere with it, but Fireheart didn’t care. He was too stoked by the idea of being with Graystripe again, he really couldn’t care less about the consequences that came with this.
Fireheart then realized this is what Graystripe must have felt meeting Silverstream every day. Being so happy, so content… it was worth it, he thought. If it meant he got to be happy again, then it was worth it.
“Alright,” Graystripe said through his thoughts. “Looks like I’m going to be breaking the code again, with the very same cat who was so against it last time!” Graystripe chuckled with a cheeky grin.
“Hey, we aren’t breaking the code! We’re just two friends in different clans talking to each other on the border, what’s wrong with that?” Fireheart retorted, not wanting to be a hypocrite. "I'm sure they'd understand the situation."
“You’re starting to sound a lot like me,” Graystripe smirked. “Just try not to get caught anyways, I don't think either of us needs the extra exposure right now."
"Yes, of course, I won't! I promise!" Fireheart said enthusiastically. He was sure he could manage this.
"Alright, you really should be heading back. As should I.”
“Probably not. But yeah, I guess we should. S-sunset, right?” Fireheart cursed himself for stuttering again. He was just so nervous with anticipation for what was about to come, he couldn’t help it.
“Yeah, sunset. See you then, Fireheart,” Graystripe said again, before turning around and hopping across the river, turning around a few times to give Fireheart a smile. When he was gone, Fireheart still stood there, processing what just happened.
“Sunset…” Fireheart murmured to himself, before grinning widely and spinning around, walking back to camp with a happy skip in his step.
This was going to be great.