Chapter Text
11 March, 2020
Kirsten invited me out for drinks tonight to celebrate her failing her Inspector’s exam for the third time. It was honestly the best I’ve felt since losing Ian and Poppy. It was so good to sit and drink too much and laugh with someone I genuinely enjoy spending time with. There is something about her that I’m drawn to.
Things got weird though when she leaned in and kissed me on the lips. It was just a quick peck but it did something really weird to me. My mind absolutely shut down for a few seconds and all I could do was hold my head to try to keep it together. It triggered SO MANY thoughts and emotions. First off, I’m not attracted to women and I certainly have never kissed one before. Add to that the fact that I felt very much like I was betraying Ian and Poppy too. How would she feel if she knew I’d kissed someone else? I just can’t do that to her and the fact still remains, I’m not gay.
I do know that I handled it very badly and I’m not sure now how to talk to Kirsten without it being awkward.
There’s just so much there to sort through so I’ve decided to take my therapists advice and I’m starting this journal. She says it will help me process my feelings.
So, let’s process…
Of course, I knew that Kirsten was gay before we ever became friends, I just didn’t realize she was interested in me and I definitely have never thought of her that way. Well, not that I had realized anyway. I think that might have been part of the problem when she kissed me. I’ve been telling myself all this time that we were becoming really good friends but when she kissed me, I realized it might be something more. In looking back on the last couple of months I realize that I was starting to really look forward to seeing her every morning and dreading having to leave her in the evening.
When she kissed me all my different feelings crystalized and collided. Probably the scariest part is, if I’m honest, I liked it when she kissed me. I wanted her to kiss me. But then I instantly remembered Ian and Poppy and something inside me broke. I still love Ian and miss Poppy terribly, how could I ever even show any interest in someone else?
I think the only thing I can do at this point is avoid Kirsten. Limit how much time I spend with her and keep a distance and maybe these feelings will go away.
19 March, 2020
It’s been 8 days since the kiss. So far, I’ve managed minimal contact and what little there has been was only work related. I know she must feel like I’m upset with her because of the way I reacted but for now I can’t explain or ease her mind. The really bad thing is it’s getting more difficult to stay away from her. I miss her laugh and the way she says my name. I long for the warmth of her body next time…
25 March, 2020
She caught me looking at her today. I was so embarrassed but I couldn’t help myself. She was standing by the window with the sun shining through her red hair. She looked like a girl on fire. She was so lovely.
1 April, 2020
It’s been 3 weeks since Kirsten kissed me. We’ve spoken very little since that night but I don’t know how much longer I can go on like this. I miss talking to her and laughing with her. Since Ian died, being with Kirsten is the only time I’ve felt really alive. I don’t know what to do. I don’t even understand what it is I feel for her. I’ve never felt this way about another woman before. Is this me trying to fill the void left by my sweet family or do I really have actual feelings for her? Is it even fair to her if I start talking to her again not knowing where it might go? Would she even be interested in renewing our friendship after I’ve been so cold to her? I’M SO CONFUSED!!
12 April, 2020
After 4.5 weeks I broke down and invited Kirsten out for drinks tonight. I’m not sure what I expected but I think this was more than I ever could have hoped for. At first, I thought she was going to turn me down flat without even saying a word. She just turned and walked out. I was a little stunned but really, who could blame her? To my surprise she came right back carrying my coat. We decided to go to the same place as last time which was a little awkward at first but once the drinks came, we loosened up. I have to admit, there was a part of me that hoped she would kiss me again. It almost felt like she wanted to but was holding back.
We stayed a couple of hours then came back here to get more comfortable and listen to some music. I suppose the alcohol was providing a little liquid courage because I pulled her out of her chair and made her dance with me. I hope I never forget how good it felt to put my arms around her and hold her close. I hope I never forget the warmth of her body and the soft smell of her hair. She filled my senses until all there was in the room were the two of us. I leaned in and softly kissed her lips. It would be easy to say it was alcohol fueled but the truth is I had pictured this moment over and over since the first time we kissed. I wanted that moment. I wanted it as much as I want to breathe.
She stopped me though, gently pushing me away. I’m sure she was concerned it was just the alcohol and I would regret it in the morning since I reacted so badly last time. She wanted to wait until I was sober but I was sure of what I wanted. I assured her I’d still feel the same once I was sober then tried again to kiss her. This time she didn’t push me away. I felt her lean into me and her hand tangle in my hair as she returned my kiss. Everything around us melted away and all I could feel was the softness of her lips and the warmth that was spreading from them downward in my body.
I slowly ran my tongue along her bottom lip and I felt a shiver pass over her. I could taste the wine on her lips and underneath that, Kirsten. The taste that was hers alone. It was as intoxicating as the wine.
In return she gave me her tongue as well and we fell into deep, passionate, hungry kisses. The kind that had a twinge of desperation to them. Like we’d been holding something in for far too long and letting it out had caused an avalanche.
I pulled her even closer to me and my hand found its way underneath her shirt and to the small of her back. Her skin was so incredibly soft. I wanted to feel all of her and I let my hand explore her back coming to rest on the clasp of her bra. I started to undo it but she stopped me and gently pulled away. I was SO disappointed but she saw the look on my face and said, ‘it’s not ‘no’, it’s just ‘not tonight’. We’ve both had too much to drink to go any farther tonight.” I knew she was right but it was so hard to let her go home.
We’re supposed to have dinner Friday.
13 April, 2020
I have such a fucking hangover this morning! We have got to stop drinking so much when we’re together.
I was worried that work would be awkward today after last night but it wasn’t. Kirsten got there before me and left a hot chocolate and good morning note on my desk. Seeing them there gave me little butterflies in my stomach. When I looked up, she was smiling at me. What a gorgeous smile. I’m going to have to be careful or my face will tell everyone what I’m feeling. I’m definitely not ready for that yet.
16 April, 2020
It’s finally Friday! Now I just have to make it through the day without embarrassing myself with Kirsten or anyone else.
17 April, 2021
Kirsten is still sleeping but I’m up because I wanted to get this all down on paper before it fades.
She let me pick the restaurant so I chose a little Italian place close to my flat. We met there at 8pm and we both ordered a glass of wine (I was so nervous I needed something to calm me down). Our food came reasonably quickly and with it, I changed my drink to sparkling water. I was not going to risk being even a little bit tipsy. I noticed that we both picked at our food and in about 30 minutes we were ready to go. It was a beautiful night last night so we decided to walk back to mine. We chatted as we walked and Kirsten slipped her soft hand into mine. Somehow, even walking down a public street, her hand in mine felt so intimate.
When we got back here, we were both a little uncomfortable. I think we both knew what we wanted but neither was sure where to start. There was something almost palpable hanging in the air between us, the air almost hummed with it. After what seemed like several long, awkward minutes I asked her if she wanted to sit down. We settled closely together on the couch, knees touching lightly. We talked about work for a bit and laughed about what one of the guys had said earlier in the day and then we fell silent. We were sitting so close to each other and in the silence, we looked at each other and somehow the awkwardness dissipated like vapor. Kirsten reached out and stroked my cheek. Her touch raised good bumps all over my body. I caught her hand in my own before she could move away and pressed it against my face. I turned into her hand and kissed her palm and then her wrist. I could smell floral perfume and underneath that, soap and skin. As I kissed her wrist she leaned in and placed a butterfly-like kiss on my neck, just below my ear. I keep using the work “soft” but I don’t know how else to explain it. Where men are all angles and hard muscles, Kirsten was soft and warm and gentle. Her lips on my neck is a sensation I will never forget. They were soft and silky smooth but at the same time, they were so warm. They left a warm spot everywhere they touched. She kissed my cheek and I lowered my head and closed my eyes, enjoying the closeness. We sat for a beat, faces close enough to feel each other’s breath. I think we both just wanted to fully feel and be present in the moment; to fully enjoy those last excruciating moments of anticipation. And then her lips brushed mine and it ignited something inside me. I pulled her closer to me and kissed her deeply. Before that exact moment I wasn’t 100% sure where the evening would go but when I felt her tongue meet my own, when I felt her hands stroking my arms, my back, I knew what I wanted. I knew I wanted her. I wanted to feel her skin against mine and her weight on top of me. I slowly pulled away from our kiss and watched her face as I unbuttoned her top button. I almost expected her to stop me but she met my eyes and turned more towards me while she moved her hair back over her shoulders so that I would have easy access, then she put her hands in her lap and waited. I went back to unbuttoning her top until it was all the way open then she helped me slip it off her shoulders and toss it aside. I gently touched her chest just below her throat just to feel how smooth her skin was. I kissed the hollow of her throat and then, just because I needed to know how she tasted, I ran my tongue up to her chin. She shivered but never moved. She was letting me explore her in any way I wanted, knowing that everything was a first. I kissed her chest where I had touched a moment before and then I moved down and kissed the top of her breasts, first one and then the other. She tipped her head back and made a small sound but continued to sit still for me. As I continued to explore with my mouth, I unhooked her bra (she was wearing a beautifully lacy emerald green one that hooked in the front. I didn’t see her bra the first time we kissed but I know it was nothing so fancy as this. I wondered if she, like myself, had bought a new one just for the evening). At this point my inexperience really showed because I kind of froze. I was staring at her like I’d never seen a naked woman before but I couldn’t help it. She just looked so beautiful. I’d never seen so much of her skin before but I wasn’t surprised to see that it was milky white and covered in freckles. I remember thinking that someday I wanted to count each and every one of them. Or at least enjoy her while I tried. I think Kirsten must have thought I was changing my mind because she asked me if I was ok. I apologized and told her everything was fine, it was just that she was so beautiful. I saw a deep blush climb up her chest and throat and finally settle in her face. Even her ears were bright red. I laughed and kissed one red ear and then the other and then moved back to her lips. As we kissed, she unbuttoned my top and pushed it off my shoulders. It slipped down my arms and I let if fall to the floor. She made quick work of my bra, put her arms around me and pulled me in so that we were skin to skin. I wanted to pull her into my bedroom and strip her naked and throw her on the bed but I made myself slow down because I wanted every first to be a clear memory later.
I kissed her neck again and gave it a little suck, careful not to leave a mark. As I sucked her neck, I grazed one of her nipples with my thumb. She gasped loudly and leaned into my touch; that was all the encouragement I needed. I trailed kisses down her neck and chest then very lightly kissed one nipple then the other. As I kissed the second one, she put her hand on the back of my head and drew me even closer to her. I kissed her nipple again and then sucked it into my mouth, gently at first but then harder. At the same time, I pinched the other one. “Pinch harder”. I was a little scared to but I did as she asked. She tipped her head back and her breath quickened. It was the sexiest thing I’ve ever seen. I was so turned on it physically hurt and I badly wanted her to touch me. I stood up kind of suddenly and surprised her but she smiled when I pulled her up with me. She pulled me close again and her hand found my breast while at the same time her tongue found my lips. She teased me with her tongue for a few seconds and then pinched my nipple. HARD! I’ve never had anyone do that to me before. It hurt but it also shot a bolt of electricity right through the center of my body directly to the spot that was already throbbing. An evil grin spread across her face. “Ohhh, you liked that did you?” Umm… fucking YES! I thought she would do it again but instead she kissed me and started unbuttoning my trousers. A thrill ran through me just thinking about what might happen next. Once I was naked, she took a step back and looked at my body. I can’t put into words how it felt to see in her eyes how much she wanted me. She brushed one more light kiss across my lips and then took me by the hand and led me to the bedroom. I had a quick moment where I saw Ian and Poppy in my bed and the shame of abandoning them started to rise. Kirsten must have sensed something because she turned around and pulled me into a comforting embrace. She whispered in my ear that we didn’t have to do anything more if I wasn’t ready. She said we could get into the bed and she would hold me tight while we slept. As wonderful as that sounded, I wanted her too badly to do it. Having her warm body next to me while I slept is something I definitely wanted but I also wanted to know her in a more intimate way. I wanted to know what she felt like and tasted like. I wanted to know how her face looked when she came and what she looked like after when she was sleeping. Even more than that I wanted to be hers. I wanted my body to know her touch and kiss. I gently pulled free of her embrace and walked to the bed. She watched me lie down as she took off the rest of her clothes. Suddenly I felt completely exposed and a little self-conscious and instinctively started to pull the covers up over me but she stopped me. She told me how beautiful I was and asked if it would be ok to not use the blanket. The way she looked at me, I believed she really did think I was beautiful so I forgot about the blanket and reached out to invite her into bed with me. I settled on my back and she sat on the bed next to me and kissed me again. She stroked my inner thigh while her tongue explored my mouth and then traced feather light lines up my leg and over my stomach and breasts. It tickled but also made every nerve in my body hum. I pulled her down on top of me. Her weight on me was exquisite; her skin was silky smooth and warm. As she settled on top of me she parted my legs with one of hers. The pressure there made me gasp and I started to tremble. She rocked her hips so that her leg would rub against my clit. My god, I almost exploded. I moaned into her mouth and moved my hips so I could grind against her leg. I was so close to coming but she moved her leg away. She whispered, “not yet”. When I looked at her, I knew what she was doing. When I came it was going to be because she worked for it. My orgasm was hers and she wasn’t going to let me take it from her. I spread my legs for her so she could do what she wanted. She moved her hand down where her leg had been and pressed. I moved against her hand while she kissed my neck. I laid my head back on my pillow and moaned as I felt her let one finger slip inside me. I kept moving my hips as she moved her finger in and out in time with my movements. At some point I asked for another finger and she slid another one in alongside the first. She shifted her weight again so that she could move her body against mine while she fucked me with her fingers. Her skin moving against mine felt so good. She fucked me until I almost came and then she would slow her movements and let me come down, and then she would start again and brink me right to the edge again. She did that several times until I was panting and almost begging her to let me come and finally she brought me all the way up and watched my face as goosebumps spread over my whole body. I could feel her fingers moving in time with the contractions of my orgasm. She held me closely while I came down and I thought I would get to explore her body then but instead, after waiting a couple of minutes she moved down the bed, kissing me all over as she went. And then she kissed me there and I was instantly turned on again. She settled with her face right between my legs and didn’t hesitate, another soft kiss to my clit and then she closed her moth over me and started to suck. As she sucked, she feathered her tongue over me and this time she didn’t play with me. She brought me to a second orgasm within a minute or two and then as she pushed her tongue into me, a third. After three, Kirsten could tell I was spent so she kissed me one more time and came back to lie face to face with me. I could see her face was still damp so, after a moment’s hesitation on my part, I pulled her face to me and licked her lips and kissed her face. I had never tasted myself before and I found it intoxicating. She smiled against my lips and wrapped her arms around me tightly. I think she thought we would rest then but I couldn’t stop kissing her. I couldn’t stop touching her and exploring her body. I wanted to make her come; I wanted to make her feel as good as she made me feel. Problem was I didn’t really know if I knew what to do. I mean, I guess I did in theory but in practice, I was honestly a little intimidated. I guess I must have tensed up a little because Kirsten stroked my back and told me to relax. I closed my eyes for a second and took a steadying breath and then I rolled her so that I could lie on top of her. She was so beautiful looking at her from this angle, with her red hair fanned out around her on the pillow. I wanted her so much. I moved to the bed beside her and sat up, there was just enough light in the room that I could see her body. I just wanted to look at her, to see all of her. She laid with her hands behind her head and let me explore her. I ran my hands over her breasts then kissed them lightly, then I moved down to her stomach and hips. Her skin and the ripple of her muscles felt so good under my hands. I rubbed down her legs and then before rubbing back up, I spread them and moved to sit between them. Then I moved my hands back up her legs and touched her soft pubic hair. She had closed her eyes and she was trembling again. I very gently moved my finger over her clit. She gasped quietly but didn’t move. I did it again and this time she moved her hips towards me trying to get firmer contact. I pressed a little harder and she started to thrust against my fingers. She reached down and covered my fingers with hers and started to stroke herself with my fingers while still moving her hips. Oh my god, what that did to me. Her back arched as she came and I couldn’t resist sliding a finger inside her. She was so warm and wet. I hadn’t been sure until that moment but I knew then that I wanted to taste her. I moved down the bed and settled with her legs over my shoulders. I was surprised how good she smelled. I tentatively licked her once, and then a second time with a little more commitment. Her response to something so small was definitely something I wanted to explore later but just then I wanted to try something I’d heard talked about but never seen and definitely had never done. I sat up and slid one leg under one of hers and one over her other one and then I was a little stumped. I knew that scissoring was supposed to create genital contact but this wasn’t quite doing it. Kirsten saw the look on my face and laughed softly, then turned her hips slightly and moved towards me until we were touching. Another new experience I don’t quite have words for. She rocked her hips and I couldn’t believe how good it felt. I moved the opposite direction of her. We were both breathing hard again and both very wet. We moved faster, pressed harder and just when I thought I had completely exhausted myself and would have to stop, I came. And then Kirsten came. When we came down, neither of us moved for a long moment and then I fell forward next to her and wrapped myself around her as tightly as I could. She kissed my forehead and then lips, gently. We were both too tired to talk. I really needed some water but I wasn’t willing to let her go long enough to walk to the kitchen and back. Before long I heard her breathing change and I knew she was sleeping so I kissed her one last time and fell asleep in her arms.
Last night was one of the best nights of my life. What does that mean? Am I a lesbian now? Where will this go? I know I don’t want Kirsten to leave. Ever. I want her to stay here by my side. What does that mean? What will Poppy think if something were to develop with Kirsten. After such an amazing night I hate that I’m filled with all these questions. Maybe I should make an appointment with my therapist before this spins out of control.