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After what happened on the Rust set, losing someone like that, Jensen was shaken. So Jared knew he needed to be strong, he needed to be Jensen's rock.
And Jared has been strong, for days. He laughed and smiled, made jokes to make Jensen laugh.
And when he felt Jensen was okay, he left.
Today, he had no filming, Gen and the kids are out too. And Jensen is with his family, and Jared is left all alone. He chuckles.
Today, he will allow himself to breakdown where no one would see him. He will let himself think about the thoughts that he buried at that time to be strong.
What ifs.....
What if the plane crashed before the con 19 months ago?
What if the scene was Alec shooting at Jensen instead?
What if he lost his Jensen?
Jared laying on the couch, hand over his head, tears streaming down his face just thinking about it.
He didn't notice that Jensen let himself in.
It was supposed to be a surprise, a whole day together with beer and pizza and maybe some video games like old times, a thank you to Jared for being so supportive in tough times. Jensen knew Gen was out with the kids, but he didn't expect his best friend to be falling apart in front of him.
Jensen rushes towards the couch and stands on his knees, gently holding Jared's face,
"Hey Jay, what's wrong? Why are you crying?"
"Jensen, what are you doing here?" Jared quickly sits up and tries to wipe he tears. Jensen grabs his face again.
"What's going on? Why are you crying?"
"It doesn't matter. Forget it."
"Jay, please talk to me, please." Jensen pleads and it breaks Jared's heart all over again. Those green eyes hold all the concern and love that Jared can't have or probably those feelings that he sees inside those eyes are his wishful thinking. Those eyes break his heart and make him fall in love over and over again.
"Why am I never enough for you?" Jared whispers looking at his own feet.
"What?" Jensen thinks he heard him wrong.
This time Jared looks into his eyes.
"Why I am never enough for you for anything? I didn't ask anything from you except for you letting me be a part of your life in any capacity. I loved you. I am in love with you and yet I accepted the best friend position because that's how I could keep you. But you keep pushing me away. You didn't want me to stay in Vancouver waiting one day to fly out together and your plane almost crashed. I could lose you and I wasn't allowed to be with you. I produced a whole fucking western show because that was your dream and you declined me. And then you got a second hand job in a cheap western movie with incompetent assholes who can't handle the gun and could get you killed. Am I that bad to be around? I could lose you Jensen and I am no one in your life they would probably won't even let me see you if God forbid something happened to you. Whatever I do it is never going to be enough for you to stay with me, is it?"
Jared didn't plan this but he spilled his guts out. Maybe today is the day he got so weak that he lost Jensen forever for saying his truth. Maybe Jensen will leave and never come back.
Except Jensen wasn't moving. Jared didn't have the courage to look at him again.
After several minutes of silence, Jensen speaks,
"You were always enough, Jay. In fact you were more than I ever deserved. Don't think for a second I didn't love you back. Every single time I thought about dying my first thought was I will never be able to see your dimples ever again. I love you so much."
Jensen takes Jared's hand and puts I over his heart.
"Feel that? It's still beating and I'm still here. There's nowhere else I would rather be and no one else I would rather be with."
When Jensen pulls Jared's face closer and their foreheads touch, Jared thinks it's oddly familiar. Jensen has a habit of pulling Sam and Dean moments between them and not even realize it.
Maybe , just maybe, there's a heaven and Jared and Jensen could also be together there like Sam and Dean...