Chapter Text
“If you had three wishes, what would you wish for?” Hanji Zoe looked genuinely excited about asking the question to our group. She looked to her left, where Armin was sitting. For a brief moment I pitied Armin, he’d only been dragged into this because I was too stubborn to go alone. Then Armin answered the question with such an earnest joy that my pity melted away.
“Well, I suppose the first thing I would wish for is…” Armin started off. I was busy thinking about what I would wish for.
One, I would wish I wasn’t here. Not that I came along willingly to begin with, Armin and Mikasa practically forced me to be here after that accident. Only now I really wished I had fought against coming even more, perhaps I would’ve been late and they would have assigned me a different group.
If only I hadn’t flipped out on the road, both in the literal and figurative sense.
I shudder as I remember driving, it was just down the road to the grocery store, a trip I’d taken multiple times before. Except this time it was raining. It wasn’t that it never rained, in fact it was that rainy month in the middle of fall. The rain was just in those thick, round drops that slammed against your windshield and sounded like… Well, to me they sounded like gunfire. I couldn’t see, the rain was too thick, and that reminded me of the dust that kicked up in the dry areas when we ran through. It set me off, it reminded me of when I was on the battlefield.
More than that it reminded me of the day I lost my leg.
It set me off, I started panicking. I couldn’t differentiate the road and the mine-infested battlefield. Each stripe on the road was another mine that the squadron I was a part of couldn’t see but tried to avoid anyway. It came to the point where the lanes merged and I was suddenly afraid to touch the line, as if they would set off an explosion. Just like had happened, now almost a year ago, off on some dry, deadly battlefield.
I got scared, I swerved, the car lost traction on the water, and the next thing I knew I was practically sitting on my head in a ditch, being held up and suspended in the air by my seatbelt. My vision was clouded white and my brain was fuzzy from being hit face-first by the airbag. A surprised driver behind me had pulled over and called 911. It was pretty damn easy for Mikasa and Armin to get wind that I was in the hospital after that. I could see on their faces that they were worried this would happen again, and I wouldn’t be saved by an airbag and a muddy ditch the next time.
I hated to admit it but they were right, the panic attacks had already been waking me up at night. I tried best I could to hide those from Mikasa, but she knew, somehow she knew.
Thus I experienced a month of recovery from a terribly broken arm and then another, figurative, bomb dropped. Mikasa and Armin had signed me up for a PTSD recovery group. They tried to make it sound more appealing by saying that Armin signed himself up too so I wouldn’t be alone. It didn’t help at all, since I’d spent the last year, plus or minus a few weeks, resisting professional psychological help.
Nonetheless, my adoptive sister and best friend managed to drag me out of bed today and to a large white building that reminded me of a child’s building block. It only furthered my resistance when I entered the building block and was greeted by a set of faces I honestly wished I never saw again. The very same people that I’d come here to escape were the people in my group.
It was the fucking squadron that I’d fought with.
I still couldn’t leave, not only because Armin was gripping my sleeve and trying to drag me back, but because our group’s psychologist was a mentally insane psychopath that blocked the door and took it upon herself to shove me into the cramped white room I now sat in and shove me down on one of the six identical wooden chairs, and one open space for the wheel chair. Thus bringing me to my current predicament.
Damn PTSD.
In my reverie of past events, Armin had finished saying his three wishes. And from the embarrassed look on his face it seemed as if Jean, aka Horseface, had chosen to pass. Armin must be thinking that nobody else is going to share and he’d just screwed up big time.
Luckily for him, Marco at least had some human decency in him unlike Jean. Marco gave Armin a freckled smile and turned back to an expectant Hanji.
“My first wish… would probably be to find some new passion to pursue. It’s been hard to find something that doesn’t set me off because it reminds me of… well, this,” Marco gestured to his prosthetic limbs, his entire left half, “And set me off.” Marco finished.
“Very good, Marco! This gives you a goal to work towards, now! We’ll start by working together and see if there’s something we can find that you’ll be interested in!” Hanji chirped, but I barely paid attention to her chiming. I now had my second wish.
Wish two, I wish I had my leg back. Well, the half I was missing at least.
Of course Marco had it worse than me, he was standing to my left, he was the one who actually stepped on the mine that blew off what was the majority of his left side and my left leg below the knee. But at the same time, at least it was his full arm and full leg that was missing. He could have complete prosthetics as he did now, as well as a wheelchair.
He was missing something full, and when something full is missing, you have the ability to fill up that missing hole with the entirety of something else. I was missing half of a leg, you can’t fill up half a hole with half of something else. It didn’t work, it was an awkward fit, like my prosthetic leg. I still walked with a lope due to the stiff metal rubbing against my knee, well, knee-stub. Even after a year of nightly jogs, every night, to get used to working with the prosthetics, I still couldn’t fully run. I could only jog. It was terrible. It was trying to fill half of a missing piece and the two halves just didn’t fit correctly. In a way, Marco with his wheelchair. his scarred face, and missing limbs, was lucky. Because he could find something full to fill that which was lost.
“My second wish would be to have more comfortable prosthetics,” Marco laughed a little on this, “They can rub my skin through the padding occasionally.” He said, reaching up his right hand to lightly touch the metal arm that latched onto the side of his chest.
“Thats the right way to think Marco!” Hanji spouted excitedly, Marco looked a little confused, “You’re not wishing that you had your limbs back, but trying to make it comfortable and live happily without them.” She gave him a nod of approval, “The genie would be proud of you.”
I guess the genie wouldn’t be very proud of me. I’ll live with it.
“My third wish…” Marco started, but I didn’t hear him.
My third wish was that I had never signed up for the war.
I only signed up for it in the first place out of some idiotic burst of anger and wish for… Well, shit, I don’t know. Vengeance? My mother was a nurse on the front and died in a bombing. I wanted revenge for her, and that’s really the only way to put it.
I’ll bet that pissed off the genie a bit.
“Thank you for sharing, Marco! Eren,” Hanji turned to me, and I looked up at her glasses-rimmed eyes, “would you like to share?” I looked over at Armin, he had also been a soldier. In my squad, yes, but he’d left before the incident with the mines due to being shot through the lung and then being unable to fight, or do anything terribly physical really, got discharged. Armin looked hopeful that I’d share, looks like it wasn’t only the genie I was pissing off.
“Pass.”
Sorry, Armin.
- - -
“Thank you everybody, for the perfect introductory meeting! If any of you have any last thought you’d want to share with me I’ll be staying after for a while! I can’t wait to see you all,” at this Hanji glanced at me, there was a threat hiding behind those glasses, I know it, “and I mean all,” She returned her gaze to the majority of the group, “tomorrow! Goodbye everybody!” She left us with her excited dismissal. I stood up, Armin walked across the room towards myself.
“You should have shared.” He chastised me, but my blue-eyed friend was smiling.
“I agreed to come, not to participate.” I replied. Armin rolled his eyes, his eyebrows going up in his exasperation and almost disappearing into the bangs of his blonde bob.
“This is supposed to help you, Eren.” Armin pointed out. I glanced around at the group dispersing. Jean was talking to Marco as he wheeled him towards the door.
“Yeah, well, that backfired.” I muttered. Just being around these people set me on edge. I had tried to get rid of anything that could remind me of the battle, anything that could set me on edge, and now I was surrounded by reminders.
Armin held open the door for Marco and Jean as they approached the main lobby. I waited for him and saw Marco offer Armin his thanks. Jean and Marco passed by me and Jean grimaced at the sight of my face. Not so say I wasn’t doing the same.
“Eren.” He said simply,
“Horseface.” I replied.
“Jean…” Marco chided from his wheelchair. Jean glanced at the freckled face… well, half-freckled. I hadn’t seen Marco since before the incident, but it stunned me now that I saw him in person, and up close too. The left half of his face was red, scarred, and… Well it didn’t even look like a face. It was twisted and the burn marks were painfully obvious. His words were slightly messy, he couldn’t move the left half of his face. All the freckles on the left half had disappeared, replaced by an ugly red scarring.
Okay, maybe he wasn’t so lucky.
Marco looked up and smiled at me, it was almost painful to watch. Yet somehow… he looked happy. Happier than I’d be in his position. Hell, happy than I am in my own position.
“Hey, Eren. How’s…” Marco hesitated, then gestured to my left leg. It was blatantly obvious, my pants were always rolled up to the knee to reveal the skeletal metal leg and foot. If I let my pants hang loose, they got caught on the leg and I would trip.
“Well… it’s… a leg.” I reply, not exactly how to say it’s shitty, and I wish it had never happened, to Marco when he was… well… missing half of his body.
“I get that.” Marco nodded, and I actually believed he did, not like when other people said that they understood, he actually did.
“Marco, we should get going.” Jean piped up, I glanced back up at Jean. Did his face… soften when he looked at Marco? Maybe they stayed in contact. Marco nodded,
“Right. I’ll see you tomorrow, Eren, Armin.” Marco waved to us with his natural hand and Jean pushed him forward to the door, using the small button that automatically swung open the door for disabled people.
That’s what we were, disabled.
“Bye Jean, bye Marco.” Armin called out to their backs. The two of us then exited through the front exit and stood outside in the growing cold. Most of the leaves had fallen away and winter was beginning to rear it’s ugly head. I shivered and tugged my hoodie closer to my body. Armin zipped up his coat.
“Want a ride back?” He asked, there was worry in his eyes. He knew that I wasn’t happy being around familiar faces, he was worried it might set me off. Besides, Mikasa was the one who brought me here originally so that ride was gone.
“I think I’ll jog, I don’t think I’ll be able to later.” I glanced up at the sky, dark and grey with storm clouds that looked ready to burst. I turned my head down and caught a glimpse of Hanji and the other two people from our group exiting. I watched them for a moment.
The first was a petite woman with orange-brown hair named Petra, I’d never really talked with her all that much, but she seemed nice from what I could gather.
The second was the face I hated the most. The one who haunted my nightmares and who was responsible for the incident. He was our leader, a short man with a temper. Levi, Corporal Levi. He was the one who sent us into that damned battlefield where I lost my leg and Marco his left half. Levi lifted his eyes and met my gaze, it was almost as if he could tell I was staring. Creepy.
He shot me a glare. What the hell? Why the hell did he think he had any, any right to glare at me? He was the reason I’d lost my leg. I returned the glare. Fucking bastard, who did he think he was? We were off the battlefield, he had no rank on me here.
“Eren?” Armin’s voice attracted my attention, I turned my head to him, letting my eyes linger on Levi’s, unwilling to break this glaring competition now that it started.
“Yeah, sorry, just…” I sighed, pulling my eyes away and looking back at Armin’s concerned face, “Sorry.”
“You seem angry.” Armin could be really observant when he wanted too. His eyes flick back over in the direction I’d been glancing in. There was a brief moment of confusion before a reluctant kind of realization drew over his face, “You can’t blame others for everything, Eren.” Armin sighed as we approached his car, a familiar black SUV in which Armin, Mikasa and I had taken many road trips in. It held a lot of memories for us, which was funny, because none of us were attached to the car itself, only the memories.
“Not everything, just this.” I replied to Armin as he opened the driver’s seat and climbed in. He shut the door behind him and rolled down the window to continue talking to me. I leaned on the edge of the car window.
“Not even this, Eren, none of what happened was his fault.” Armin, as always, being my voice of reason. The angel on my shoulder that I never listened to.
“He was the one who sent us through there, he’s the reason Marco’s stuck to that damned wheelchair.” I muttered.
“And you to your metal limb.” Armin was too observant for his own good.
“Half-limb.” I corrected. Whatever Armin was about to say was interrupted by a boom of far-off thunder. Together we glanced at the sky, but the grey clouds had yet to relinquish their torrent.
“You sure you’ll be alright?” Armin asked, I looked at his face, he was obviously concerned.
“I have a hood, besides,” I gave him a smile, “If I get sick maybe I can miss the meeting tomorrow.” I tease. Resting my head on the open windowsill.
“Don’t count on it, you’re resilient.” Armin reminded me, then returned the smile, “Sometimes too resilient for your own good, but I believe that’s called being stubborn.”
“It’s one of my many charms.”
“Cocky, too.” Armin finished, before igniting the engine. I backed away from the car.
“It’s called confidence.” I jokingly remind him then I hold up a hand to wave goodbye, “See you tomorrow, Armin.”
“Stay safe.” Armin gives his goodbye, and then the black SUV peels out of the parking lot and onto the open road.
I watch the back of the SUV disappear around the curve. Then I turn and start walking up to the sidewalk again, as I do I feel something akin to a burning sensation pinpricking my back. I turn my head and catch Levi’s stiff glare as he stares at me. Seriously, the hell was his problem? I throw up my hood and start running.
- - -
I used to want to be a runner. Professional, I mean. I was always pretty athletic, nothing much and nothing really award-worthy. Well, not if you didn’t count the few small county awards from neighborhood and inter-school marathons I’d won in high school.
Obviously, I’d given up on that dream a long time ago. Almost a year ago to be exact. Now I didn’t have anything I was working toward in particular. I wasn’t exceptionally smart, or artistic, and definitely not athletic anymore. Who am I kidding? I was never exceptionally athletic. Just a bit more than your average passerby.
Nonetheless I kept jogging. At first for physical therapy, and still so now. But more because I could go blank. Running didn’t require any mental activity. It was the time when I could let my mind go absolutely nowhere and it was the time I was happiest. When I wasn’t thinking. When I wasn’t remembering. Of course even that was harder now. Everything was harder since a year ago, even trying not to think. And why? Because the universe has conspired against me to make my life a living hell.
Now when I ran the exact opposite happened, my thoughts ran with my legs. Or jogged with my leg, the rocky pace driven by the off-beat thump of my metal leg often jarred me into reality. It was the time when I would think, and actually keep my thoughts to myself. It was how I kept secrets. How I dealt with problems.
Armin and Mikasa especially encouraged me to keep running. That was really the only reason why Armin didn’t drag me into his car and drive off with me screaming bloody murder in the back seat. They were happy that it was my outlet instead of… other activities like they’d seen with others in our predicament. Mikasa especially, she had been in the army for a year and a half before I joined. She left, her required two years up, just a week before the incident. I’d been the one to practically force her to leave instead of staying another year to be with me.
We weren’t in the same squad. I argued.
I can still kill anybody who hurts you. She retorted.
How? Your group is heading in the other direction. I pointed out.
I can find a way. She insisted.
Go home, Mikasa. I asked, or demanded, I don’t really remember all that well.
My foot hits a rock and I stumble forward before catching myself. Shit. The prosthetics really don’t take well to… anything, really. With a sigh, I tap my metal foot against the ground to make sure it isn’t dented or anything, and then I pick up my jog again.
It’s not that Mikasa staying would have helped at all. If anything it only would have made things worse when I came too. I would’ve been sent home and Mikasa wouldn’t have been there, and while I still would’ve had Armin, I’d definitely needed both of them there those first few weeks.
“Ha,” I let out a dry laugh. Who am I kidding? I still need them here.
I keep running, soon my thoughts are all left behind on the pavement with that stubbornly disruptive rock.
- - -
I arrive at the apartment Mikasa and I share together. I’d opted a long while ago not to stay in a dorm at my college. I don’t think my roommate, no matter who they were, would take kindly to my night terrors.
I shove my hand in my pocket, and feel only the fabric of my hoodie. With a troubled expression, I reach into my front left pocket. Nothing. My front right pocket chooses to be empty as well.
“Goddammit.” I curse and pat my back pockets, neither of which have anything with any semblance to a key-shape in them.
I knock on the door, once, twice… No answer. I pound the door once more for good measure.
“Mikasa! You in there?” I shout, a door down the hall swings open and I’m met with the wrinkled face of our silent old-lady neighbor. She was some ninety-something widow who defiantly wasn’t the friendly old lady in a flower gown type. We’d lived here for three months now and I still didn’t know her name. She shushed me and I turn away and walk down the hall to the staircase. We lived on the third floor.
I sigh and pull out my phone from my left back pocket, at least thats there.
One ring, two rings, three rings.
Pick up Mikasa… Come on…
“Hello?” The deadpan voice of my adoptive sister greets me.
“Mikasa, hey. Are you nearby?” I ask, and hear an audible sigh on the other side of the phone.
“Eren… Did you leave your keys in the apartment again?” She asked.
“Well, when you say it like that it sounds like it happens often.” I point out.
“It does.” Deadpan, “Don’t worry, I’ll be over in about ten minutes. Just don’t hurt yourself while I’m gone, okay?” While to others this request might have sounded somewhat sarcastic, I knew that Mikasa was asking me seriously. She was constantly worried for me, and in sequence that made me worried for her.
“You give me too much credit, Mikasa. I can’t get into that much trouble in ten minutes.” I joke in an attempt to lighten her mood.
“Yes, you can.” Attempt failed.
“Alright, alright, I’ll be good. See you in ten.” I agree.
“See you soon.” Mikasa’s phone line goes dead, I snap my phone shut. I still had one of those old flip phones that you had to be careful not to flip too hard or else the top half would fly off… Which admittedly had happened to me several times before.
Now, with ten minutes to myself, I expected to just wait around patiently. Sadly I wasn’t very patient. So I decided to walk down the street to a local café where Mikasa, Armin, and I had gotten lunch several times before.
The Rose Café was one of three places Mikasa, Armin and I met up at. It was a nice little café with outdoor seating under a striped yellow and red awning. The inside was always warm and filled with the scent of whatever was the daily special. The inside had the classic dark brown booths and tables that were often found in family restaurants. The seemingly family-restaurant oriented interior for a small hang-out café was mainly because The Rose Café only came into business about three years ago, and took over for a run-down family restaurant called Hole in The Wall. The old restaurant was falling apart from it’s glory days back when I was just eight years old, so I was glad when they fixed up the Hole in The Wall. Even if it meant a loss of my childhood restaurant. Besides, The Rose Café had even better food than Hole in The Wall.
It still hadn’t rained, even though the sky only seemed to be getting darker with each fleeting minute. Nonetheless, it didn’t deter me from ordering a coffee and an Armored Sandwich, nobody knew where the name for the café’s signature sandwich came from, and sitting outside.
The Armored Sandwich was always tough to eat. The bread was baked to an almost surreal level of crispiness. There was a rumor that somebody once tried to cut into the sandwich with a knife and the knife broke against the bread. I don’t believe it though. After all, though it was a struggle to eat it, I still could, no knife required.
It was a challenge, and I liked eating it because it seemed to be the only physical challenge I could still accomplish. Maybe I should go on that TV show, Boy Vs Food. Mikasa had once said that I must have a titan-sized stomach. Whatever that meant.
I glanced up from my sandwich as somebody else entered the veranda.
Holy shit.
My eyes meet with a familiar gray hue. Levi walks out onto the veranda with a mug of what I assume to be coffee or tea or some shit in his hand.
He meets my eyes for a second, seems to almost scoff at me, and walks off to a table closer to the thin black metal railing that encloses the outdoor space.
What the actual fuck?
It was official, the guy was an ass.
I tear into my sandwich with even more of a ferocity than I expected and glared at his back.
Just turn around, go on, I dare you.
Yet Levi remains completely passive across the veranda.
Muttering to myself I tear into the bread again. Perhaps with a bit too much ferocity, I cough, choking on a piece of bread. I hit my throat and dislodge the stubborn piece of food.
When I look up, Levi is looking back at me with a cold, amused smirk tugging on the corners of his lips.
Good god, the universe really was conspiring against me.
Either that or I pissed off that genie more than I meant too.
Or both, probably both.
I felt my neck heat up. Great, just fucking perfect, now I gave Levi a reason to laugh at me.
When I look back at him he was looking back at his drink, a stoic expression on his face. Stone cold, no hint of the smug smirk that was there before. I wasn’t even that interesting to him.
He wasn’t just an ass, he was an asshole.
Whatever, it doesn’t bother me that I’m not even that interesting to the guy.
Really, it should be common courtesy that when you laugh at somebody you at least show some interest in them afterwards. Guess not.
Whatever.
It really doesn’t bother me.
I swear.
I stare at Levi, but I don’t realize I’m staring until he lifts his narrow eyes and meets my gaze once again.
I realize that our tables really aren’t all that far apart, that there’s only one other couple sitting a few tables away on the veranda and that the only thing separating us is a single empty table with two chairs. Since when were we this close?
“Do I have something on my face, brat?” Levi inquired from across the empty table. It shocked me, the harshness of his tone. His voice was low, it had this weathered quality to it, almost like a growl reverberating under the normal tone.
“N-no.” I answer at first shocked, my eyes dash away and land on the pavement. What am I doing? I’m not going to let this ass get a reaction out of me. I raise my eyes again, and glare at him, “No.” I answer more sternly.
Something in his eyes changes, as if it went from annoyance to irritation.
“Really? Because you’re staring at me is really fucking annoying.” Levi threatened, although it wasn’t a direct threat, there was something threatening about the way he formed his words, there was something behind them and I couldn’t figure out what exactly it was.
“Well, good, that’s kind of the point.” I state matter-of-factly. For a moment I’m afraid I may have overstepped my boundaries. That I may have just really, really pissed off a man with whom my only shield is an empty table and a few chairs.
Levi clicks the tip of his tongue against the roof of his mouth, stands up, and walks towards me.
Yep, I definitely screwed up.
I stiffen in my chair as Levi approaches, he sets his cup down on my table and then grips my shoulder. Damn, his grip is really fucking strong. I wince and Levi leans down my ear.
“Watch it, brat.” He says, “I may not be the monster you’re thinking of.” He then releases my shoulder and picks up his cup before walking inside.
Had… Had I just gotten off?
I rub my shoulder, it probably wouldn’t bruise but that didn’t mean it didn’t hurt. I watch Levi’s back as he leaves.
Seriously, what was wrong with him?
- - -
I arrive back at the apartment a few minutes before Mikasa arrives. She takes one glance at me and then speaks.
“What happened?” She demands, not asks, but demands. I jump a bit, I wasn’t that transparent was I?
“Just dealing with an asshole.” I shrug it off like it was nothing. Like I didn’t have to see the guy tomorrow and probably daily for the next few months or however long Armin and Mikasa forced me into this.
“I can take care of anybody if you need me to.” Mikasa reminded me. Really, Mikasa’s overprotectiveness got on my nerve sometimes, but it was also pretty helpful.
“Don’t worry, this is somebody I can take care of.” I say. Mikasa holds my gaze for a beat longer before opening the door and stepping inside.
Soon as I’m inside my mind drifts back to The Rose Café.
I may not be the monster you're thinking of.
What had he meant by that?
Damn it, this group wasn’t going to help me at all.
I sigh and flop down on the couch, silently trying to plot a way to avoid going to the group tomorrow.
Sadly, I came up blank.