Chapter Text
Addison’s POV
Somebody told me you’re unhappy
But it doesn’t show
Somebody told me that you don’t want me no more
So you’re walkin’ out the door
I don’t know why this song is still playing! It’s tearing me apart. Life really isn’t fair, it has its own favorite that everything sides on it, all the good stuff is wrapped with glittery ribbon and floral scented gifts. While I’m still trying to pick myself up piece by piece. I’m tired, so tired and I just wanna lie down the bed and sleep the long day off again, for tomorrow comes another challenge I have to win. Am I winning though? Looking back at my shattered footprints, I have bagged no trophies.
Home. I like to call it home because she makes me feel loved, complete and carefree. I never judge myself when I’m around her and I am more of me when her hands touch mine. I open the door of her bedroom and lean on the frame to watch her sleep. She looks peaceful and beautiful. Meredith. Her name sounds like heaven to me, she is my safe heaven. Her breath moves like a calm wave, she must be dreaming the finest. A smile creeps on the corners of my lips, I then sigh, walking towards the bathroom before wrapping my arm around my girl.
Meredith stirs, and then pushes my hand away. She’s maybe thinking that I am someone else. “Shh, go back to sleep baby.” I rub her hair, but I think that triggers her to wake up. “What are you doing Addison?” I woke her up. She looks tired, her eyes rush lava, though I can still see my reflection inside. “I’m tired. I’m trying to get some decent sleep here.”
“My bad, I interrupted your sleep.” I just wanna hug you after my long day. Remember, we do that. She runs her fingers though her long blonde hair. She has a soft hair that I love to run my fingers through, it’s also her favorite. She told me one time that it helps her fall asleep easily when I do that. I never get to do it anymore. Our schedule becomes complicated, sometimes we don’t even see each other for the whole day or the whole night. That’s fine, we understand each other. We are surgeons, this is not yet our rock bottom. “You go back to sleep. I’ll just be in the kitchen for a while.” I’m about to get up, but Meredith shakes her head, holding my arm. She doesn’t want me to go, so I stay. “Sorry I snapped at you, Addison.” She then puts her head on my chest, tangling her legs on mine. “It’s okay. Come on, I’ll run my fingers through your hair so you can go back to sleep right away.” She looks up, giving me a wide smile, thanking me by pecking my lips three times. “Goodnight, Addison.” Her head is back on my chest again, she smells like lavender and vanilla as I inhale her scent. My fingers automatically find their way back to her hair. It’s still the same. I can feel that her breathing becomes slower and deeper, she’s in her own dreamland again. “Goodnight, Meredith.”
Morning comes, and Meredith’s already gone. If I’m going to count the times I woke up alone from last month up to now, my fingers and toes are not sufficient enough to point the numbers. I hate to admit but I notice that Meredith is slipping away. Is it me? Am I high maintenance? Is my love not worth it for her? Either way, those instances have reasons, I know there are reasons.
“Good morning Lex.” Meredith’s sister. She’s always the one I see in the kitchen almost every morning, preparing breakfast. “Good morning Addison.” She’s always sweet and light. “Hey Red.” It’s Mark, my best friend, and Lexie’s boyfriend. “I didn’t know we have some intruder.”
“I don’t want to sleep at Derek’s. He took Rose home.” He attempts to take a bacon strip but Lexie taps his hand away. “Can you wait? And stop talking about Rose like she’s from a fast food chain or something.” I love these two’s relationship, they may banter a lot about little things but they always end up loving each other and they look cute. Whatever! “I’ll set the table. And since you’re here Sloan. Start making coffee.”
“You’re so bossy.”
“I thought you already got used to it. We’ve been together since I was 12, well you and Derek were 13 or 14.” I shrug. “Don’t forget that I want my coffee black and sweet.”
“Whatever Montgomery.” He and Derek always follow me—right after they lost an argument. “Thanks Mark.”
There are only three of us in the kitchen, eating breakfast. We are making fun of Mark, I’m telling the story where he peed on his pants because he was too nervous to answer our teacher’s question and he cried after that. “How about when you hid in your cabinet because you broke Bizzy’s favorite vase and you peed yourself in there?”
“That’s a rumour. I didn’t pee. It was a spilled water because I didn’t close my water bottle right, I took it with me.”
“You guys really know each other’s stories? That’s amazing.” Lexie comments. She’s still learning a lot about Meredith. When they first met, they didn’t know that they’re sisters. So it took them a lot of time to get comfortable with each other. “I can even tell what Addison ate by the smell of her fart.”
“Mark you’re so gross!” I throw him a piece of bacon on the face, and he eats it. “I gotta go. See you guys at the hospital later.”
I’m not running the red lights today, it’s fun when I do it though, I feel like I’m in a race track. It’s more fun if Meredith and I could go back to the way we used to be. Anyway, I can see her from the lobby of the hospital, she’s talking to Cristina and they seem serious. Once I approach them, they both look at me and smile. “Hey baby.” I give Meredith a kiss on her cheek. “Having a nice day so far?”
“Yeah! But I have a busy day ahead so I gotta go…” she looks at Cristina like she’s telling her something. “Oh okay. Hope to see you at lunch then?” Here I am again, putting high hopes when I know she’d say no. “As I said, I have a busy day ahead.” I want to ask her about dinner but she’s already walking away from me. Cristina gives me an apologetic look, she feels guilty I guess. As usual, I set that moment aside so I can focus in saving lives. Oh, I might just stole that from Derek but we’re both saving lives so I think it’s just fair.
I don’t have much to do today, surgeries are pushed for tomorrow so I can finish all my paper works. There’s a huge pile so I really have to finish those. It’s been hours and I already miss Meredith. I didn’t get the chance to ask her for dinner earlier, so maybe I’d text her, hope she’ll reply or barges into my office once she receives a message from me. Like the way she used to. Again, hope. Big word to waste. A knock on my door disturbs my thoughts, I sit right up expecting it to be Meredith but, it’s Derek and Mark. “Okay, what do you need?”
“Grumpy. Lunch. Let’s go.” It’s Derek’s demanding ass. “I have plans. You can go.” The truth is…they know. “That you’re a bad liar Red. Don’t wait for me to drag you off your seat.” I just roll my eyes, sometimes I can’t win if they are two vs me. “Fine, let me just wear my shoes.” As I am putting my Valentinos on. “Where are we eating anyway?”
“Just across the street.” And here comes impatient shepherd. “Can you just hurry up?”
“Stop whining. You should’ve given me shoes without a strap.” And yes, these shoes are gift from him on my birthday. Mark gave me a Birkin bag and Meredith gave me an infinity bracelet, said… “You and I until infinity ends.” That I’m still wearing until now. “You two will pay.”
Derek and Mark are taking me to lunch out in purpose that I don’t want to face. They actually noticed it before I did. Maybe because I was blinded by love? That I’m a true believer of true love? I’m a hopeless romantic.
“Ask her Addison.” I can’t. I’m afraid to know the answer. White lies or not, I know it will break me apart. “Don’t be a martyr. She’s slipping away.” Why does it hurt more when other people say it? “I heard she couldn’t have lunch with you today because of her busy schedule right?” Words spread so fast, no control. “I just saw her with Cristina on the bridge, talking and laughing about something.” There’s a ping in my heart that says “I’d never be her person. I never was, I never will.”
“We thought it was you who’s with her…” we never do that anymore. “Stop pretending Addison.” Sometimes I hate these two when they know me better than I know myself. “Can we just enjoy the food and forget about me.” And us. “..for a minute?” I know they care about me but it’s just too much right now. It’s between me and Meredith. “I’ll talk to her tonight.”
And the night comes. I haven’t received a reply from her so I’m just gonna surprise her. 7:30 is still early I suppose, and she’ll be out by 9pm so dinner will be ready by the time she gets home. I’m preparing her favourite dish, Chicken Alfredo, and some red wine. I also scatter rose petals on the front door, trailing onto the kitchen. Lexie and Mark won’t be here tonight for they’re on shift, so it’s just me and Meredith.
I startle from the sound of the alarm clock that’s ringing upstairs. I fell asleep with my head on the table. I check the time, it’s almost four in the morning already. Is she already home? I run upstairs to turn off the alarm and of course, to check if Meredith is home, to my dismay tho, she isn’t. Maybe she’s on call the whole night and doesn’t have time to check my messages. I understand. Time to clean up my mess before I go back to sleep, we can reheat the food later.
“Addison?” I flinch when that familiar voice echoed inside the house. She’s finally home, but the surprised is sealed in the box already. “I’m in the kitchen, Mer.” I just hear her say “Okay.” The whole me is expecting her to come see me, but her footsteps going up to her room say otherwise. I look up the ceiling, fanning my eyes to stop my tears from falling. She doesn’t care anymore. And my tears betray me! I immediately wash my face so I won’t look like I just stopped crying before I face Meredith.
She’s in the bathroom, brushing her teeth. I sat down the empty space beside the sink, just looking at her. “What?”
“Mer, can we talk?” There’s a long pause before I say “About us?” She just looks at me, not saying anything. “Do us still matter you?” It’s a silly but heavy question. I don’t wanna pry to be a selfish Addison here. I just need an answer. “Why are you asking me that question?”
“Because I feel like you’re slipping away from me.” She rinses her mouth and put her toothbrush in its place. “I feel like you don’t care about me anymore. Abut us.”
“Addison, you’re getting paranoid.”
“I am not. Everyone notices it. And they notice it before me.”
“They?”
“Mark and Derek.”
Meredith shakes her head, as if she doesn’t believe every word I am saying. “So you’re saying that you believe them more than you believe your fiancé?” That word hits me on the face so hard. “It’s just that—you’re not the same Meredith anymore. The Meredith I fell in love with.”
“Why don’t you say straight to my face that you’re tired of me?”
“What? Meredith no! I love you!” I think it’s my final resort. “I will never ever get tired of loving you.” She doesn’t say a word. She typically says I love you back even if we were fighting. “I love you with every beat of my heart. But I can’t dive into an ocean without waters.” I try to get closer to her but it feels like there’s a huge unbreakable wall between us. How did we get here? “I just want my old Meredith back.” Almost a whisper to beg. I’m trying to reach her hand, to pull her closer to me but when I look into her eyes, she’s slowly moving far away from me.
“Cut the drama Addison. My door is open. If you wanna go, you can go.”
So I’m settin’ you free.
•to be continued•