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1st September 1976
Dorcas never saw Marlene over the summers. She would see Lily and Mary from time to time, but never Marlene. For some reason, it was like some unspoken rule that they had randomly agreed to. Dorcas never pressed. It wasn’t a big deal. And besides, they wrote letters to each other in the time being so it wasn’t like they were entirely cut off from one another.
And there was another thing that was good about it too: seeing Marlene again on the King’s Cross platform after a few months of holiday. Ever since third year, seeing her there always felt like rain after weeks of desert sun. A relief, a joy. Almost like reassurance. Reassurance of what, Dorcas wasn’t entirely sure.
But what mattered was that Marlene was there, in one piece and with a wide grin plastered on her face. She had her arms raised out, racing to Dorcas and wrapping her into a bone crushing hug. She didn’t hesitate to reciprocate the excited embrace.
“There you are!” Marlene gushed and moved away to look at Dorcas. “How are you? How was your summer?”
Dorcas grinned, easily. “Fine. Alright. Boring. How about you?”
“About the same,” Marlene sighed. “Although I have so much to tell you. Been going to some of these muggle rock gigs and encountered so many weird ass people.”
“Yeah? And your parents know about all this?”
“Nope. They’d skin me alive, you know how they are. Still think I’m like, this baby or what have you.”
“Because you are,” Dorcas laughed.
Marlene rolled her eyes and nudged her, goodnaturedly. She changed over the summer. Not by much, but she did. It’s amazing how much a person changes when you go without them for a couple months, little details shifted, still the same person but somehow altered. It was always like this, each year after summer. She wondered if Marlene ever noticed the same about her. Noticed where she had changed in the months they had gone without seeing each other. Mentally pointing out little places that even Dorcas didn’t know were different. She wondered…
But this time around, Marlene had cut her hair into a wayward shag that really suited her. She wore darker eye makeup and these glamorous sunglasses that made her look really cool. She was always really cool but seeing her now, she seemed to have grown more into herself. More confident. More sure about the skin that she was in. It made Dorcas happy. It really did.
Not too long after, they ran into Mary and Lily. And because of Lily’s presence, it attracted James Potter and his rat pack of marauders, the group now intermingling and climbing up into the train to find an empty compartment. Back into the ease of things. Back with ease.
***
Lily and James were both prefects that year, unsurprisingly. So they were busy with meetings and preparations for their roles on the train and when they got to the castle. After dinner, Sirius, Remus, Mary, Marlene and Dorcas were in a casual circle smoking. Talking about their summers, updating everyone.
Sirius was living with the Potters. Mary was seeing this muggle boy (and the details she went into about him were far too much information). Remus didn’t speak much about his summer, something about family issues. And then there was Marlene. She talked about the muggle gigs she went to that she mentioned to Dorcas earlier. The moment she started talking about it, the entire group began to listen in with more interest.
“Yeah, every other night I’d sneak out with these group of muggles I met at this record store. They were all older and knew where all these gigs were playing. Said they were friends with a load of local bands so they always got in no problem.”
“What was it like?” Sirius asked. Out of the group, he looked the most interested. Well, of course he was. Over the summer, he had acquired a number of piercings on his ears that glinted in the lights of the room whenever he moved his black hair. He had met them on the train with a leather jacket and a David Bowie shirt tucked into a pair of ripped jeans with these real nice pair of Doc Martens. Adding on the rings that lined his fingers and the black polish on his nails, he looked like a rock star. Or, well, someone trying to look like a rockstar.
“Wild. Fun. Some of the bands were pure shit. Others were really good. And the crowds. The crowds either made you feel safe- you know, a community thing-,” Marlene paused to take a smoke from her cigarette. “-but other times, there were creeps. Expected, of course.”
“Merlin, that sounds like a dream,” Sirius sighed. “The Potters would never let me go to a gig.”
“You sneak out then,” Marlene smirked at him. “That’s what I did.”
“They’d notice,” Remus said.
Sirius nodded along. “You remember when we tried to get into town last Christmas?”
Remus smiled fondly in remembrance, looking over at Sirius. “Yes. And if I remember, you were the one who got us fucking caught?”
“Not fair. You can’t blame me, I had no idea the front door would creak that loudly.”
“Well. I’m sure you’ll go to one someday,” Marlene exclaimed. “When school’s over.”
When school’s over. Dorcas felt an inescapable sense of dread at those words. She wasn’t alone, it seemed like a new tension fell towards the group. Luckily it only lasted a few seconds.
“My boyfriend’s in a band,” Mary reported and then with a smile: “He’s proper rubbish though. He tried to write me a song and I was convinced he didn’t know how to play the guitar.”
“Hm. Wouldn’t be surprised if I saw him play. I swear I don’t know how people have the guts to get on stage when they’re shit,” Marlene laughed.
“Somebody probably told them they were good. So they became delusional,” Dorcas suggested.
“Atta girl. That’s probably it. What about you, Dorcas?”
“What about me?”
“Summer. You never talked about yours.”
She looked to Marlene and then the rest of the group. All looking back at her with tired and expectant glances for her response. She took a drag from her own cigarette.
“You won’t believe me, but I did absolutely nothing.”
“You’re right,” Mary interjected. “I don’t believe you. You can’t just do nothing for a couple months.”
“And yet somehow I managed to,” Dorcas grinned.
“Bet you hooked up with someone and you’re too embarrassed to say it,” Marlene said.
Dorcas tried not to look shocked when she turned her attention to Marlene, who was looking right back at her with a lazy mischief in her smile. “Nope.”
“Oh, blimey. She totally did,” Mary said, laughing now. “Oh lord.”
“I promise you guys I didn’t,” Dorcas said.
“I believe her,” Remus shrugged. “My summer was a whole lot of nothing too.”
“Thanks, Remus.”
Sirius elbowed Remus. “Nah Moony, I think you were the one who hooked up with her.”
The comment got the whole group to burst out into laughter. Even Remus and Dorcas, who made eye contact.
“You caught us, Black,” Dorcas said.
***
Marlene was entirely right.
For the most part, the summer holiday for Dorcas was absolutely dull. Not much going on and all that. But. But. Okay. There was someone. Dorcas did meet someone that didn’t make the months totally dull. Made it interesting, gave her a reason to sneak out at night or spend the days away from home. A muggle too, who seemed to know much more about the world than Dorcas did. A muggle who showed her around. The two didn’t go to any gigs like Marlene did but they still did exciting things.
But Dorcas wasn’t like Mary. She wasn’t willing to air out all the details of a relationship as specific as possible. Even when people sure as hell didn’t want to hear it. Dorcas wasn’t like that. That made her uncomfortable and she wasn’t just going to tell her friends about it. Especially Mary. She knew the girl would beg to know more. And for some reason, she didn’t want Marlene to know about it either. Even though she wouldn’t care, it just felt wrong. Maybe Lily. Maybe she’d tell Lily if she was desperate to tell someone. But she wasn’t. She didn’t care and if anything, she sort of liked having it as a secret.
What was she thinking. She couldn’t tell Lily. Or Marlene and Mary if she wanted to. She couldn’t do that. It was different than Mary. Or any of her friends. They could talk freely about their romances with each other like it was nothing. Dorcas couldn’t do that. And after the discoveries made that summer, she probably would never be able to tell anyone about her romances. Not to her friends, her family and all the people that mattered in her life.
Because the muggle she had been seeing was a girl. A butch lesbian. She knew how that was and the muggle- Meg, her name was- had told her about her own experiences. About not being taken seriously, about dear friends never talking to her again, about abuse she had experienced. Horrible things just because she couldn’t seem to love like everyone else. And Dorcas adored her friends. She didn’t need to say that and she didn’t want to loose them because she couldn’t romantically love someone of the opposite sex like they could. So Meg and who she was was off the table when it came to conversations with her friends. Besides, it was none of their business. And luckily, it was easy to pretend she fancied boys- she had been doing it forever. Doing it before she knew she was a lesbian. At this point it was second nature, a reflex, a list of boys in her head she could say if anyone asked. Just to stop them from suspecting anything other than hetereosexuality…
***
As classes started, Dorcas began to notice something between Marlene and Sirius. Nothing romantic. At least not stated as romantic, but the two were hanging around each other more than usual. Talking about music or quidditch or whatever. Finding time in the day to quickly talk about things they knew they couldn’t with the others. Sometimes Remus would join them, offering a box of cigarettes and a lighter. And Dorcas was more than hyper aware of it. The moment she saw them talking she’d spend the whole time watching out of the corner of her eye until they parted. She quickly found out she was the only one worrying about it.
“What’s with Sirius and Marlene lately?” Dorcas had asked Mary.
The other girl was poured over a textbook and looked up to meet Dorcas’ gaze. “Hm?”
Dorcas repeated the question and Mary gave a quizzical lift of her brow. “What do you mean what’s with them?”
“They’re just… they’re just hanging around each other a lot,” Dorcas gestured helplessly.
“Are they? I haven’t noticed.”
“I feel like they’re around each other all the time.”
“Oh?”
“Yes. All the time.”
“I reckon they’re dating.”
Dorcas snapped her attention to Mary’s face. “What?”
“You know, they’re going out in secret. I wouldn’t be surprised, the pair of them make sense together.”
“What? I don’t see that at all!”
“The dating or them making sense?”
“Well… both, I suppose.”
Mary was now looking at her with an interesting glint in her expression. It was unreadable and it freaked Dorcas out a bit. She shifted in her seat and looked down at her hands, her fingers interlocked.
“What? Are you jealous?”
“Why would I be jealous?” Dorcas shot back a little too defensively.
She didn’t have to look up to know that Mary was still giving her that look. That insufferable look.
“Because Sirius Black is one hell of a man.”
At that, Dorcas felt immensely relieved. She let out a slight breath and regained her composure, looking at Mary and huffed. “He literally broke your heart.”
“Hm. Over it.”
“Well, it’s not that. I don’t like him like that. I’m just… curious, alright?”
“Uh huh,” Mary nodded, grinning at her.
“Mary. Please. I was just curious, okay?”
Mary held up her hands in defense. “Alright, alright. If you insist.”
Dorcas fiddled with her hands some more and Mary looked back down at her book. Back to normal. She could sweep the conversation under the rug… like it never happened. She wouldn’t have to see Mary’s teasing grins that made her skin prickle. Like… like she knew. Like she knew about Dorcas which would make no sense since that had no correlation to whatever the fuck was going on with Marlene and Sirius. Maybe it was because the two were able to fall in love and able to show off because they were normal. Maybe Mary could sense that was why Dorcas was feeling off about it. Maybe that’s how Mary might know that she wasn’t normal like her or Sirius or Marlene. But then again, maybe she was thinking far too much about it. How lonely this all was…
She couldn’t leave it alone. Marlene and Sirius was a scratch she needed to itch, get out of her system.
“Why do you think they make sense together?”
Mary looked up and laughed, smirking. “Dorcas.”
“What! I told you I’m bloody curious, alright?”
“You can tell me if you fancy Black, it’s alright.”
Dorcas rolled her eyes. “Everything’s about romance with you, isn’t it?”
“Well, obviously. You should know that by now. So you do fancy him?”
“I don’t. Just answer my fucking question, okay?”
“So mean, Dorcas.”
“Mary, I will strangle you.”
“Very mean.”
“Mary.”
“Alright, alright. Just. When you see them, look at them. They both dress the same, probably listen to the same music. Bowie and The Beatles and Queen and all that. It just makes sense.”
“Being the same doesn’t mean anything.”
“Sure. But this time I think it does.”
The conversation didn’t sit right with Dorcas as the days passed on. She kept thinking about it. She lost sleep over it and sometimes she couldn’t even focus in class because of it. Something was off about it all. And seeing the increased interactions of Marlene and Sirius certainly wasn’t helping at all.
Eventually she asked Lily about it as well. However, Lily had been busy with classes and her duties as a prefect that she didn’t notice either. And it didn’t really seem like she cared much.
“You think they’re a thing?” she had asked, only half paying attention.
Dorcas frowned. “I don’t know. Don’t really care either.”
“Me neither. As long as Black doesn’t break her heart like he did with Mary.”
“I don’t think Marlene could ever get her heart broken,” Dorcas mused aloud.
“Hey. Heartbreak affects everyone,” Lily said with a kind smile and then left Dorcas all alone to finish her homework.
***
17 September 1976
Was Sirius and Marlene dating?
She looked at the two whenever they were around each other. They didn’t seem like they were dating. They just looked like two friends getting along nicely. But maybe that wasn’t the case. But maybe it was. The two were throwing a party that night. Usually it would be James and Sirius throwing these types of things but ever since Potter became a prefect, he was hellbent on impressing Lily. In fact when Sirius announced his plans, James was surprisingly hesitant.
“A party?” he had asked.
“Yeah a fucking party, you got a problem with that, Prongs?” Sirius retorted, grinning wildly.
“Well, I dunno,” he said and looked helplessly over at Lily. She was very pointedly not looking at him.
“I don’t think so,” Lily said. “I don’t know if that would be a good idea.”
“Oh c’mon, Evans! It’ll be a Friday and I think we could all use a little party. Especially you of all people.”
Lily was unimpressed but Peter perked up. “I agree, I think we should have a party.”
“Oi, thanks Wormy. See he’s on my page.”
“Our page,” Marlene interjected. “We’re throwing it together.”
James’ eyes seemed to widen in what appeared to be jealousy. “Together? You two are throwing it?”
Sirius shrugged. “Yeah. We’d been talking about it.”
“Oh,” James very poorly faked not being hurt by that.
And then Dorcas felt a pair of eyes on her. She looked over to see Mary making that face again. Shit. She wanted to scream. Now she saw what was going with Marlene and Sirius. And now she was going to give her shit for thinking that she fancied Sirius fucking Black. Who, sure, was very attractive. She got why girls were so head over heels for him. But he… well, he was not a she, for starters. That was a point of issue there.
But she wouldn’t scream. She could contain it in, even with that look Mary was giving her. But she knew sure as hell that the second Mary asked again if she fancied Sirius, she was mostly certainly going to scream. And she wouldn’t regret it.
“So, who’s in?” Marlene asked.
And when the whole group had voted in favor of a party and after asking some Gryffindor bystanders who agreed, James looked over at Lily. He had a guilty glint in his look. A mix of hurt and indecision. Poor guy…
“Lils, could a party really hurt?” he asked.
Lily looked exasperated. “Yes. Yes it would.”
But it didn’t take long for them to coax her into it. And that was where they were now. In the common room, everyone dressed up and passing around alcohol. Dorcas trying to have a good time and most definitely trying not to stress over Marlene and Sirius. Laughing with Mary, who most certainly wasn’t looking at other boys (she was still with that muggle, she had assured).
And the record player was playing music and everyone seemed to be having a good time and everyone, absolutely excluded Dorcas because if anything, she was feeling rather miserable. But trying not to look that way. She danced. Drank. And when she was feeling more miserable all she did was dance and drink more. Until she felt more relief. But it didn’t last long. She eventually began to develop a massive headache. And she couldn’t ignore it. So she went over and told Lily she was going up and she wasn’t feeling well.
“Oh no. You want me to come with you?” she asked.
She looked at Lily. Where she was sitting, pretending like she wasn’t having a good time and that she was policing the party. Pretending like she wasn’t stealing glances at James from across the room, with his arm slung around Sirius like old times. She didn’t want to take that away from Lily. She’d been working her ass off recently and she needed this. Needed this break.
“No, no. I’m fine,” Dorcas assured with a smile. “I’ll see you in the morning, Lils.”
Lily smiled. “See you in the morning.”
Dorcas snuck through, rubbing at her temples and began to climb the stairs up to her dorm. Halfway there, she bumped into someone.
“Shit, sorry,” the person said. “Oh. Hi Dorcas.”
It was Remus Lupin. With disheveled hair and a disheveled jumper and a bottle of beer in his hand. He gave a smile and she momentarily thought about how she understood how girls could go crazy over him as well. It made sense. All the Marauders were very, very good looking and charming in their own way. And a part of her mourned that she could never see any of them in that light. And then she internally beat herself for feeling that way too. She remembered what Meg had said when they talked about these things. Talked about Dorcas when she was going through it. The discovery. The guilt.
Don’t feel bad about not liking men, Dorcas. That’s okay. That’s how you are. That’s how I am. It’s completely normal, even if it doesn’t feel like that. There’s people just like us all over the place, you know. In plain sight, you’re not alone as you think.
Hearing those words at the time was more than comforting at the time. But now face to face with Remus Lupin, it made her feel sick. Maybe where Meg was from she knew plenty of people who were like them. But at Hogwarts? She had to be the only one. And she felt shame in that. She should be liking boys like Remus or Sirius or hell, even James. But she couldn’t bring herself to. She couldn’t. She couldn’t. How sad was it that she couldn’t.
“Hey Lupin,” she said. “Everything alright?”
“Yeah. Well, actually no. I have a headache.”
“Me too. I’ve got a bugger of a migraine.”
“I feel like I’m going to vomit.”
Remus didn’t look that drunk. But you could never tell with him. He handled being drunk pretty well. To be honest, he handled everything pretty well and that’s exactly why girls fawned over him so obsessively. Easy and complex and intelligent and secretly rebellious. That was attractive. And okay, maybe Dorcas was going to vomit too.
“And you’re going back to the party?”
“I was feeling fine a moment ago,” Remus shrugged.
“You telling me that the sight of me is making you want to vomit?” Dorcas asked, teasingly.
Remus rolled his eyes, smiling. “Shuddup.”
“C’mon, Lupin, you're not going back in there in a state like this.”
She grabbed his free wrist and pulled him up the stairs and into her dorm. Generally, boys and girls were not allowed in each other’s dorms but she was sure that this would be excused. And it wouldn’t be the first time there was a boy in there. Mary completely disregarded that rule all throughout the years. So it was okay. And she wasn’t bringing Remus in there for the same reasons Mary brought in boys.
Remus didn’t protest at all and allowed for himself to be dragged into her room. She hoped that this wasn't sending any suggestive signals to his head. Because she certainly didn’t want that. Didn’t even want him to think that. But when she finally looked at him, he didn’t look to be thinking much about anything but keeping barf in.
“Toilet’s over there,” she said, gesturing to the bathroom.
He nodded and walked over quickly, opening the door and going in. Dorcas, on the other hand, laid in her bed trying to ignore her pounding head and the sound of Remus hurling into her toilet. Counting the moments. She wanted to sleep but she wasn’t tired. She wished she was. This would make this so much easier.
Twenty minutes passed. And Remus finally stumbled out of the bathroom, looking sheepish but better. Pale and all that, however.
“Sorry bout that,” he said.
“Don’t worry about it,” she grumbled. “You okay?”
“Yes. You too?”
“Mhm. I don’t want to go down though.”
“No, me neither.”
And then it was quiet. There was nothing to say, she and Remus weren’t crazy close to each other. She wasn’t looking at him either, still staring at the ceiling. The silence eventually dragged on for so long, she assumed that he had silently left without her knowing but then he sighed. She looked up at him.
“You want to lay down?”
Remus looked up at her. “Oh I don’t want to intrude.”
“Don’t worry about it. There’s room over here,” she said, moving over.
“I er- I don’t want to- uh, you know-”
He looked awkward and she knew what he was talking about. With a roll of her eyes, she fell back on her back. “I don’t want to shag you either, Lupin.”
But you wish you wanted to. Dorcas grimaced at the thought and chased it away.
Remus laid down next to her, staring at the ceiling above them. Basking in the silence of the room, listening to the commotion down in the common room. Everyone having a good time but them.
The seconds stretched by. And Dorcas closed her eyes. She knew that if she fell asleep and if Remus did too, the girls would give her shit for it. Even if they were fully clothed, they’d still think something would’ve gone on. Because she was a girl and he was a boy. That’s just how things went. That’s how it was. It was fair for them to assume. Just like it was fair for Mary to assume that she fancied Sirius just because she was jealous over whatever was going on with him and Marlene.
It was fair because they thought she was normal like them.
At some point, Remus let out another sigh and then very quickly said, “I fucked up.”
“Huh?”
“I fucked up. Badly.”
Dorcas waited for him to elaborate, but when he didn’t she said, “How so?”
“I snogged Sirius Black,” he said, also very quickly.
The sentence jolted Dorcas out of her thoughts and she sat up, whipping over to face Remus. To see what he looked like. He averted her gaze but looked in deep distress. Like he was going to be sick again.
“You what?”
“Nevermind. I didn’t say a thing.”
“No, no. What? Are you for real?”
“Nevermind.”
“Lupin, you can’t just do that.”
He ran his hands through his hair wildly and groaned. “Yes I can.”
“Did he not like it?”
“What?” he asked.
Now Remus was looking at her, a confused look on his face. Like that was the last thing he expected her to ask.
“Well, you said you fucked up badly.”
He kept looking at her, almost strangely and then blinked. He toyed at his lip with his teeth. “He won’t look at me.”
“Remus,” Dorcas said. “I’m so sorry.”
Remus groaned again, this time louder. “Please don’t.”
“Are you- if you don’t mind me asking?”
Of course he’d mind. She didn’t even know why she was asking, except for the fact that she wanted to know. Wanted to know that she wasn’t the only one. She knew if he asked her, she’d mind. She knew that if anyone were to ask her, she would sure as hell mind. But she couldn’t stop herself from letting the words tumble out.
“Dorcas,” he said, sternly.
She got the message and then nodded, looking up at the ceiling. “Okay.”
And then it was quiet again. Seconds passed by. Remus suddenly popped up from the bed and began to make his way to the door with a word. She was going to let him go. But it was burning. On the tip of her tongue. She thought that it was now or never. And it would be fair to him. If she spoke her truth too.
“Remus,” she said and he stopped. But he didn’t turn to look at her. Just gave a hum of affirmation.
“Remus,” she repeated. “I am. Just so you know. I am.”
And he looked back at her like a deer in headlights. She thought for a wicked moment that he was searching her face to see if she was joking. Making fun of him for what he had said. But she must’ve looked sincere in her horror stricken face because he nodded. Nodded deep in his own thoughts, looking away.
He let out a shaky breath. “Okay. Okay. Good. I’ll uh, see you around, yeah?”
She nodded and he stumbled out of her dorm. Immediately, Dorcas got on her feet and practically raced to the bathroom. Bursting open the door, she made a beeline to the toilet and threw up.
***
The summer was sweet. Sweeter than any of them before when it came to the moments she shared with Meg. So tender, so careful, so, so delicate. Like waking up from a long slumber, every time they touched each other.
“Did I make you realize?” Meg had asked with Dorcas laying next to her.
Dorcas had smiled. “So humble you are.”
“Quiet,” Meg giggled and poked Dorcas’ side.
“Not really,” Dorcas had admitted. “I’ve known I don’t like boys in the way my friends do for a long while. And I’ve fancied girls wishing they were boys. I just did not want to be a lesbian. Always thought that was a dirty word.”
“Mm,” Meg hummed, tracing a soft finger up Dorcas’ arm. “Do you still feel that way?”
Dorcas looked at Meg who was already looking at her. Brown eyes, quiet smile, a hopeful lift of her eyebrows. She was beautiful and vulnerable laying next to her. Dorcas couldn’t help herself. Gently she closed the space between them and kissed her softly. Like honey, Meg didn’t hesitate to reciprocate.
When Dorcas pulled away she said, “No. There’s nothing dirty about this.”
***
20 September 1976
Some of the most heavenly moments were the afternoons spent in the library. With the sun wafting through the window panes and into the room, painting everything in a golden glow. It felt like a breath of relief. It was always nice, probably the best thing about Hogwarts to Dorcas.
They were spending this day in the library together- Dorcas, Mary, Peter, Marlene, James and Lily, specifically, huddled over an assortment of textbooks. Groaning about assignments, asking each other for help, taking breaks to laugh about some stupid thing, James still very obviously trying to get with Lily. And Lily very obviously pretending to not be affected over it.
It made Dorcas wonder. The whole James and Lily thing. James was so insistent on it for years, pursuing her and never taking no for an answer. Dorcas didn’t even think James had a girlfriend at any point. Lily for years clearly did not give a shit about James. Always denied him, sometimes even went out of her way to make him feel shit for it. But at some point, there was a shift. At some point, Lily changed and everyone but James seemed to see it. Maybe it was because he was more mature nowadays. Maybe James had somehow brainwashed her into fancying him back. Whatever it was, it certainly was confusing but entertaining to watch from the sidelines. She thought about asking Lily about it, but Dorcas had the strange thought that maybe Lily didn’t even know her behavior had shifted. Maybe if she told her, it would unveil things and break the spell. She didn’t want that, although it would certainly spice things up.
At some point Mary asked where Remus was.
“With Padfoot,” James reported with a shrug. “Said they needed to talk about something.”
“Please don’t tell me it’s another one of your pranks,” Lily sighed with fake annoyance.
James smiled slyly at her- she wasn’t impressed (although Dorcas knew she was, to some degree) “He didn’t say. I’ll let ‘em know you want in though, Lils.”
He winked and she groaned loudly. But there was a pit in Dorcas’ stomach. She remembered the conversation she had with Remus that night at the party… she wished she couldn’t but she didn’t drink enough for memory loss. Unfortunately. She remembered his words and her words very clearly. And the thing with Sirius. Maybe they were working it out or something. But Remus hadn’t made eye contact or any sort of eye contact with her since that night. It wasn’t weird. Again, they weren’t close or anything so that wasn’t expected. But at this point, it did feel a lot like he was avoiding her. Fair enough.
So she gave him space.
That night at dinner, Dorcas did her best to invest herself in a story Mary’s boyfriend had sent her in a new letter. It was funny, even Marlene and some of the boys were laughing along. It wasn’t the story that was funny, but the way Mary told it. She was a natural storyteller and was amazing at comedic timing. Sure, sometimes she could be annoying but oftentimes, people liked hearing her stories. Hearing what she had to say.
What Dorcas was trying to avoid at this moment was Remus. And Sirius too. What if Remus had told him about her? What she was? The fact she told Remus was horrifying enough, but now it scared her even more so. Now that he knew she wasn’t much in control over it anymore. It was just as much as Remus’ dirty secret as it was her’s.
Near the end of the meal, she looked over at the two to see them bickering with each other. Well. Seems like whatever happened had resorted back to normal. That was good…
“Dorcas?” Marlene asked next to her.
She turned to look at her, her heart skipping a beat to see Marlene’s focus on her. It always felt nice. Marlene was a lot like the sun sometimes, just radiating this contagious warmth and joy. “Mhm?”
“You alright?”
“Yeah. Why?”
“No reason really. Just been sort of quiet recently.”
“Oh, suppose I have. Just been busy, I guess.”
Marlene smiled like she understood. “Yeah I get it.”
“So you and Sirius then?”
Dorcas didn’t know why she said it. It must’ve slipped out or something because she hadn’t been thinking about it at that moment. And when she asked the question, she watched as Marlene’s face fell. Not in anything saddening but in confusion. She quirked her head.
“Me and Sirius?”
“Yeah,” Dorcas smiled, deciding to play into it. “I’ve seen you two around. Are you two a thing?”
Marlene’s eyes widened and she bit down her lip to hold in laughter for a moment. She shook her head and placed a hand on Dorcas’ bicep. “We are not a thing.”
“Really?”
“Meadowes, you know a girl and a guy can be friends without being romantically involved right?” Now Marlene was really laughing.
Dorcas rolled her eyes. “Yes, I know that. It just seems like you fancy him, that’s all.”
“Merlin, you really are turning into Mary.”
“What about me?” Mary jolted out of conversation with Peter and whipped her head at the two.
Dorcas laughed and swat her away. “It’s nothing. Calm down.”
“You two better not be talking shit behind my back,” Mary narrowed her gaze then turned her away.
“I can assure you,” Marlene said. “Sirius and I are not a thing.”
***
“Dorcas?”
It was after dinner in the Gryffindor Tower and Remus was asking for her. She looked over to see his scarred face looking rather pensive.
“Yes?”
He looked queasy. “You mind if I talk to you?”
She looked to Lily who she had been talking to, and she had simply shrugged. So Dorcas followed Remus into a more secluded part of the common room. He pulled out a cigarette and lit it.
“Want one?” he asked.
“‘Course I bloody do.”
He lit it for her and they stood there in silence, smoking. Eventually he let out a sigh and nervously looked around him. To see if there was anyone in earshot or anyone staring. When he seemed satisfied, he looked down at his shoes.
“He fancies Marlene,” he whispered softly.
Dorcas’ face fell. “Sirius?”
“Yep. Yeah.”
“Oh, Remus,” she said gently and reached out to squeeze his elbow.
He stiffened up at first but relaxed after a second. He shrugged. “I should’ve expected it. I feel like ever since coming back from holiday, he’s been drawn to her.”
“That’s exactly what I’ve been saying!” Dorcas said a little too excitedly and he shot her a glance. “Sorry. I mean, it’s been bothering me. They’re always hanging around each other and I thought I was the only one who noticed it.”
“Hm. Yeah.”
“She’s not into him, just so you know. I asked. They’re just friends, if that makes you feel any better.”
“I guess. It just sucks. He won’t acknowledge it. Which I mean, I should be grateful for- he’s acting like it never happened. Like I didn’t go and fuck it all up. I should be grateful for that.”
“I’m sorry.”
“No, no. It’s fine. Sorry I- I don’t mean to be so bloody glum. I just didn’t have anyone… you know?”
“Yeah, I know.”
It was quiet again. Dorcas took a long drag from her cigarette and stared at the wallpaper on the walls. The things it’s seen… the things it’s heard. A conversation between two confused queer teenagers must be so tame in comparison to what it’s experienced…
“I am, by the way. I mean, you know now and you knew earlier. I do still like women, but I like, you know. People like Sirius.”
Dorcas grinned. “Thank you for telling me. And I am just a lesbian.”
The word was strange to say out loud. Especially to someone who wasn’t a lesbian too and it sparked something in her gut. A sense of fear. Hopefully no one was listening too intently in their conversation… she looked across the room. Their friends were immersed with something and everyone else seemed to be caught up in their own business. Everyone unaware. Still. Now Remus knew. A relief but still so nerve wracking.
“What about you?” he whispered, finally looking at her. He was smiling lightly, a small hint of mischief in his expression.
“What?”
“Fancy anyone?”
Immediately Dorcas began to laugh. She leaned against the wall. “Sorry to let you down but no one here.”
“Oh? Someone outside of school?”
“Please, Lupin. You do not want to hear about it.”
“Says who?”
“Says me.”
“What if I said I want to hear about it.”
Dorcas rolled her eyes. “Okay. Yes. I was seeing someone over holiday, but we’re broken up now and it doesn’t matter.”
“Doesn’t seem like you had a rough breakup.”
“We’d been planning to separate when school started. It wasn’t sad, just expected.”
Remus smiled. “I was seeing someone over the summer too.”
“Yeah?”
“A muggle. Royal pain in the ass and all.”
“What about Sirius?”
Remus snorted. “I’ve fancied him for a few years now and I’m not like Prongs with these things, you know. I’m not waiting around for someone. Especially someone as bloody unattainable as Sirius Black.”
“I see…” she said and looked across the room to where Sirius was. And to her dismay, there he was standing close to Marlene. They had some record they were looking at and talking so animatedly. Marlene was laughing at something he said and tucked a lock of her blonde hair behind her ear. She looked so cool. She always looked so cool. She could see why Sirius would fancy her, it made complete sense. Mary was right. Them as a unit made sense. Which pissed her off because here stood Remus with his heart in his hands or whatever and Sirius couldn’t acknowledge that they kissed. Annoying. Then she thought of something and it got her to laugh out loud.
“What?” Remus asked.
“Nothing,” she said. “Just thought of something. It’s stupid.”
“Okay?”
Dorcas looked at him and then laughed, covering her mouth with her free hand.
“What?!” Remus asked, amused.
“No, no. It’s fucking stupid.”
“So you’ve ought to tell me.”
Dorcas shook her head but she said, “What if we pretended to be something?”
Remus furrowed his brow in confusion. “Pretended to be something?”
“Yes. You know what I’m talking about, Lupin. I know you do.”
“Why?”
That was a good question. Thinking about it, it made no fucking sense that she suggested that. Her first thought was that maybe it would make Sirius jealous. But that was probably unlikely. He said he was into Marlene and couldn’t go as far to mention that he was kissed by his best friend. He was most certainly not into Remus. Which was unfortunate because the guy was a catch… and that brought her to something else. A more dark thought. Something she didn’t like. Something she knew Meg would frown upon if she was there and Dorcas told her. This wasn’t the reason why she suggested it, but a dark part of her made her think that maybe being with Remus would straighten her out. Make her normal. Maybe faking it would help her see why girls were so crazy about boys. Even if it was fake, maybe she could see how it was. Help her understand.
Good thing Meg wasn’t there. She’d hate her for thinking that way. But she wasn’t thinking that way. That was simply an intrusive thought…
She heard Marlene laugh across the way. Her iconic laugh that made Dorcas perk up, feel something soft in her gut. She looked over, and instantly regretted it. She was nudging Sirius. Laughing at something that he said. She, very intensely, did not like that.
Dorcas turned to Remus. “Let’s see if we can make Sirius Black jealous.”
***
She hardly expected Remus to be down with it. And at first, he wasn’t. It didn’t make sense to him so she dropped it. Didn’t coax him into it. They rejoined the group and something about the closeness of Sirius and Marlene must’ve set something off in him. He caught up to her before she went to her dorm with a determined glint in his eyes.
“What’s in it for you?” he had asked.
Again, that question had stumped her. She didn’t have an answer to that, just whatever gut reaction she had when she saw Marlene with Sirius. Some sort of platonic jealousy or whatever. Or some sort of jealousy when it came to the two actually being able to show their love publicly because they were normal, if they wanted to. And she also wanted to help Remus. Having someone who was like her was very quickly becoming more and more relief. Especially when it was someone like Remus Lupin.
“I’m bored,” she shrugged. “I wanna see what happens. If nothing happens, we can fake break up, you know?”
So that was that. The next morning they talked more about it on the way to breakfast, highlighting what they would and wouldn’t do.
Hold hands? Yes.
Kiss? Not on the lips. Cheek maybe, if it feels necessary but other than that no.
PDA? Keep it minimal.
The whole arm around the shoulder thing? Walking each other to class? Overkill. Again, maybe when it feels necessary.
Pet names? Profound no. Well. Maybe, ‘love’, if it’s casual. Just to, like, sell it.
“Do we tell them or just wait for them to catch on?” Remus asked.
“We should tell them.”
“Now?”
“Ehhh… let’s give it a day or two. You know, try acting like it beforehand so it doesn’t seem rushed. That work for you, Lupin?”
Remus still didn’t seem too crazy about it. But when he entered the hall and saw Sirius sitting there at the table talking James’ ear off about something, his face set. He reached over and gave Dorcas’ hand a squeeze. It caught her off guard and she couldn’t help but let out a ridiculous laugh at the action.
“You got yourself a deal,” he said and walked over to the table, her on his heels.
***
It was a weird situation, Dorcas wasn’t going to lie. But at least she was doing it with Remus, someone she was becoming increasingly more and more interested in. She liked him. Not romantically. No. Definitely still only liked girls. Isn’t that a lovely thing, Meg would say. Liking girls only. How powerful that is in a world that tells you your role should only revolve around some man.
No, she liked Remus’ company. It was a relief to have someone to talk to about queer stuff with in Hogwarts. She thought she was going to have to struggle with it alone for a year. Or forever. But it was nice to have him around.
And when they announced that they were ‘a thing’, she had to hold in laughter. Which easily could’ve been interpreted as a girl ‘giddy with love’ as her boyfriend announces their relationship.
What she didn’t expect was how Marlene reacted afterwards when she caught Dorcas alone.
“Are you serious?” she demanded. “You’re with Remus?”
Dorcas had been told by many she was a good liar. “Yeah. Yeah I am. Is that a problem?”
“I don’t believe you for a second.”
“Excuse me?”
“I don’t believe you’re with Remus.”
Oh. Well, okay then. Maybe she was a shit liar. Still, she wasn’t going to blow her cover to anyone yet. Especially not Marlene. Maybe they’d tell Lily that it wasn’t real, but not Marlene. Not when she was literally a part of the reason of why they were doing this all in the first place. It wouldn’t make sense if she tried to explain it to her. She’d probably just tell Sirius she wasn’t into him to get him to stop fancying her or whatever. She seemed to like confrontations like that sometimes.
“I don’t need you to believe me. It’s not your business.”
“It is my business!”
“Literally how?”
“You’re my best friend, Dorcas! Of course it’s my business. And Remus is my friend too. This is wild. When? How? Merlin, I’m going to have to give Lupin the talk, aren’t I now?”
“What bloody talk?”
“You know, the whole if he breaks your heart, I’ll cut his dick off thing,” she explained.
“Oh. Well, I don’t think you need to do that.”
“He’s a boy, of course I need to. Even the nice ones end up breaking hearts too. Usually those are the ones who hurt most.”
“And how would you know?” Dorcas raised an eyebrow.
“Mary.”
“Ah,” Dorcas nodded. “Well. You really don’t need to worry about it. If he breaks my heart, I’ll be the one to cut his dick off. Make it more personal.”
“Atta girl. But I gotta watch over you, Meadowes.”
***
“You ought to tell me if and when I ever break your heart,” Remus had said when he approached Dorcas’ table in the library. He looked like a deer in headlights with eyes wide and his shoulders hunched.
Dorcas snorted. “Did Marlene tell you she’d cut your dick off?”
“Yeah. Girls are bloody scary.”
“You’ll be fine. You have no risk of breaking my heart, Lupin.”
***
“Marls, can you put my necklace on for me?” Dorcas asked, leaning over to pick up a silver chain from her bedside table.
“Of course.”
Marlene stopped what she was doing and glided over to where Dorcas was standing. She handed her the necklace and moved her curly hair over her shoulder, holding it up. Delicately Marlene draped the chain around her neck and took the tame to clasp the ends together, fingers brushing on Dorcas’ upper back. When she was done, she paused. Slowly, Marlene’s hands flattened out against her back and then across her shoulders. Tentatively, Dorcas looked over. But before she could say anything about it, Marlene dropped her touch and moved away.
“You have your notes from Transfiguration from the other day?” Marlene asked like it was nothing.
Dorcas dropped her hair, a feeling rising deep in her stomach. “I… yeah, I do. Do you need to look over them?”
“Yeah, sorry. I don’t mean to. I zoned out at some point in class and didn’t get some things.”
“No problem,” Dorcas swallowed and then shuffled over to where she kept her notes in her bag. Swiftly, she looked for the specific notes and then handed them over to Marlene. The other girl, on the other hand, briefly made eye contact before she thanked Dorcas.
An odd feeling had struck her. Something about Marlene’s fingers lingering atop her back. She couldn’t stop thinking about it.
“Dorcas. Dorcas. Hellooooooo. Earth to Dorcas???”
Mary’s voice suddenly snapped her from her thoughts. Blinking, she looked over to Mary. They were now in the Great Hall, the only two sitting at the table for now. It was still a little early for lunch, only a few students filing in.
“Sorry. What were you saying?”
Mary gave an uncertain look. “Nah, it’s not important. Is everything alright with you?”
“Yeah,” Dorcas sighed. “Everything’s alright.”
“Hey. If you ever need someone, you know I’m always here to listen.”
Which was true. Not only was Mary MacDonald very good at talking, she was also a fantastic listener. She reached out her hands to Dorcas and squeezed her palms when she gave her own hands over.
“I know. Thank you, Mary.”
***
2 October 1976
“Dorcas. Dorcas,” Remus was barreling over to her lone table in the library. He had a proper panicked look on his face which made Dorcas stiffen. There were a million things that this look could mean, none of them good.
“What?” she asked.
He slid in the chair across the way from her, leaning towards her.
“You will not believe it-”
“Guys. Mind if we join you two lovebirds?” a voice interrupted whatever Remus was going to say.
The both of them looked up to see James with a smirking look on his face, Peter, Marlene and Sirius standing next to him. For a strong second, Remus looked utterly frustrated but he quickly wiped it off to give a small smile and nod at the others. “Of course.”
Dorcas eyed him intently, seeing if whatever he had to say was just for her or the whole group. Oh. Who was she kidding. Of course it was just for her. Bloody horrible timing that James came in. Remus gave her an apologetic glance and waved it off.
“Alright, Moony?” Sirius asked.
Remus nearly jumped as Sirius took the seat next to him. He gave a quick look at Sirius and said, “Alright, Pads.”
They had barely settled in, when James turned to Dorcas and said, “You heard the news, have you?”
She looked to James (who was smiling brightly, on the edge of a joke) and then to Remus (who was pulling out a book with an unpleasant look on his face). “No… I haven’t. What is it?”
“Prongs, please. It’s not your news to break,” Sirius rolled his eyes.
“Was just asking, Black. Go on, announce it then.”
“Sirius and I are going out now,” Marlene butted in.
Instantly Dorcas whipped her head to look at them. She tried not to seem so shocked. She really tried not to, but it honestly felt like a slap to the face. She couldn’t help it. She swallowed whatever foul feeling was brewing in her.
“Oh, lovely,” she said, strained.
Sirius wrapped his arm around Marlene with some sort of pride. That made things so much worse. So much worse. Dorcas couldn’t bear to look at Remus. She didn’t know what to do, she felt so awful.
“Do try to sound more happy for us, Meadowes,” Marlene teased.
“Sorry. I just…” Dorcas sighed. “I thought you said you didn’t fancy Sirius.”
“You said that to her?!” Sirius mocked offense. “How dare you!”
Marlene flicked his arm and shook her head. “Shut it. Dorcas, I was in denial of my feelings then. I’ve changed my mind now. Clearly.”
Later, Remus was the first to leave. He said something about needing to head to the hospital wing or something. Quickly Dorcas followed at the expense of being teased by the others for being love birds.
“Remus. Remus. I’m genuinely so sorry about this. I didn’t think she was into him… I didn’t think he was into her, I thought he was just… I dunno denying the possibility of fancying you and-”
“Dorcas, it’s alright.” He sounded exhausted. He looked it too.
“We can stop doing this. There’s no point now.”
He ran his hands through his hair and made a face looking away. “That’d be weird. Just to do that right after Sirius and Marlene’s thing”
“So? We give it a week or something. Tell ‘em we’re better off as friends.”
Remus was silent for a moment. And then he nodded, his gaze still focused on the floor in front of him.
“Hey,” Dorcas said, gently. “It’s going to be okay.”
“Thanks.”
“No, really. I’ll go chop off Sirius’ cock for breaking your heart. Right now.”
Remus huffed a laugh, sounding almost surprised at the words. “Please. Could you?”
“Of course, Lupin. I’ve got your back.”
***
Marlene was acting weird when she was around Dorcas. Certain looks, casual touches. Normal things that they had before but there was some sort of tension in the air. They never talked about Sirius or Remus if they could help it. But they were never ones to talk about boys anyway. Which was why Dorcas had liked Marlene so much over the years. She wasn’t boy crazy.
Somedays Dorcas got the delusional idea that maybe Marlene liked her. Which was stupid foolish to think about. For starters, she wasn’t fucking queer. Dorcas would know that, she thinks. And also, she was dating Sirius. But there was something about it all.
But there were the looks during dinner. During class. In their dorm. Looks Marlene was giving Dorcas very publicly in front of everyone. In front of Sirius. In front of Remus. The kind of looks that if one of them were a boy, the other a girl it would’ve been interpreted as romantic. Maybe even sexual. No, not sexual. That wasn’t the kind of look she was getting. It was just a friendship look. She was sure that Marlene had been giving her those all these years. She was sure that was just a natural look she gave to everyone. She wasn’t queer and she didn’t fancy Dorcas.
And why the hell did that revelation- that fact- make her feel so shit? It was so weird…
“When did you start feeling different about Sirius?” Dorcas asked Remus as they sat on his bed, smoking one evening.
He grimaced. “Dorcas.”
“Sorry. Nevermind that. Can I ask you something else?”
Remus gave her a face.
“It’s not about Sirius. I promise.”
“Fine. What is it?”
“Er, about Marlene. Do you think…”
“Do I think what?”
“You know,” Dorcas vaguely gestured. “Do you think she might be queer?”
“What? You don’t fancy her, do you?”
“Hm? No, I don’t. I’ve just been thinking lately.”
Remus sighed. “Well, she is dating Sirius. Who is very much not a girl, so I’d vote unlikely.”
“You said you were still into girls. There are people who like both. Maybe she’s one of your lot, you know?”
“Dorcas, I wouldn’t know. You’re closer to her than I am.”
“I know. I know. I was just curious.”
Remus took a drag and leaned his head back to look at the ceiling. “But why do you think she is anyway?”
“The way she looks at me sometimes.”
Remus rolled his head over to look at her. “The way she looks at you?”
“Yeah. Like, I dunno. Could be just friendship but sometimes she just kind of looks at me like the way some of Mary’s admirers look at her.”
“You think she fancies you?”
“No. Not that. Well. Maybe. Sometimes. But no, not like that. At least I don’t think so.”
“Rather humble of you.”
“Hush, Lupin.”
“And you sure you don’t fancy her?”
“Course not. She’s my best friend.”
“Right.”
Dorcas cringed, remembering who she was talking to and what situation he was in. “Sorry, bloody hell. I just. Am very confused about this all.”
“Hm. Yeah.”
“Maybe I am. But I don’t think so. I’ve never put much thought to it.”
“It’s okay if you are.”
“I know but it’d be hopeless.”
“Well then. We’d both be pretty hopeless.”
Dorcas laughed a little, not much humor in it. “We truly are perfect for each other, Lupin.”
The door swung up and in came the rest of the marauders, talking loudly and cheering. Remus sighed but even then, he looked pleased to see them. They were his family, Dorcas knew that, no matter how annoying they were. She took this as her cue to go.
“You’ve got to tell your bloody friends to quit interrupting us,” Dorcas winked at him as she got up from the bed.
James noticed her going. “Oh! Meadowes! You don’t need to leave, we didn’t mean to get in the way of you and Moony. Were you guys…”
He shot a wicked look, mostly at Remus who sighed very deeply and said, “James.”
“Well, not anymore, Potter. Thanks to you lot,” Dorcas teased and began to head out the door. “See you round, Lupin.”
***
Hogwarts was in dire need of a new book. One that told her how she felt about Marlene. How to know if you fancy a girl. And then after reading that one, she would also be in dire need of a sequel. How to know if a girl fancies you. Unfortunately, the Hogwarts library did not carry those kinds of titles. So she was all alone.
She spent her time looking at Marlene from across the way. Analyzing how it made her feel. Analyzing the words she said. Trying not to lose her goddamn mind every time Marlene subtly touched her. It was miserable. She had no one to talk about it but Remus. Yet, she knew he did not want to be bogged down by girl drama, no matter how sweet he was about it. She knew he didn’t want to hear about it. She tried to keep it at a minimum. But eventually she outwardly asked him to watch Marlene for her. See what he had to say about some of the things she was doing.
At the end of it all, he sighed and said, “Dorcas, I think you just fancy her. S’alright if you do.”
“Okay. Thanks,” was all she said but that did not help.
She was seriously considering going to Mary about it. Which was insane but Dorcas knew she’d know what to do. That she’d want to help. If only Marlene was some boy. If only. Man. Things would be so much easier if Dorcas could be that way. Nope. No. She thought of Meg.
Meg. Meg.
Maybe she should tell her about this all. She had her phone number, her address too. She could send a letter to her or call her down at Hogsmeade. But both… she didn’t want to do that. Letters were too slow and phone calls weren’t always certain. She needed to know now at that very moment what the fuck was going on with her and Marlene. Besides it didn’t feel right to contact an ex for advice about something like this. She still wasn’t very sure how Meg took the break up when she left for Hogwarts. She seemed to be alright with it- they had been planning it. Their relationship had a due date for awhile then, it was no surprise.
Dorcas wasn’t affected by it. But who knows if Meg was? She could’ve just been a good sport about it all.
She wouldn’t contact Meg. Or confess to Mary. Or bug Remus about it anymore. And she had to figure out how they would announce a break up to their friends without being weird about it. That wouldn’t blow their cover.
One day in her dorm, Marlene walked in to change her shirt. She walked with such confidence. And after years of playing quidditch, she had an athlete’s body. Lithe, muscles, strong, graceful. Dorcas watched from across the way, looking at how she moved. Some time, Marlene caught her staring. She grinned wickedly.
“Like what you see, Meadowes?”
Dorcas met her eyes. “Course. You’re gorgeous.”
Instantly Marlene’s confidence faltered. And Dorcas could be crazy but it looked as though she were blushing. Flustered by Dorcas’ comment. She ducked her head and picked up the new jumper, covering herself.
“Always so honest, aren’t you?”
***
Sirius and Marlene never kissed on the mouth.
Sirius always made it a thing to kiss girls on the mouth in very public settings in the past. Like a competition thing, like to prove a point or something. Dorcas knew how the marauders boys were, always in competition with one another. Being with and showing off to girls was no exception. Sirius always seemed to excel in that department. But with Marlene, kissing was never on the mouth. Cheek, forehead, hand, yes. But that was practically it.
Dorcas wondered if at their next party in the Gryffindor tower, she’d walk in on them kissing. Or see them make out on the couch like a disgusting couple. Maybe they didn’t kiss because that wasn’t Marlene’s thing and Sirius wasn’t being a dick for once and respecting her wishes. Maybe when they were partying and drunk they would be more willing to be more public.
Whatever the case, Dorcas shouldn’t be fretting over it. There probably wasn’t going to be a party until Sirius’ birthday (weeks away in early November) and it shouldn't matter. Even if Dorcas happened to fancy Marlene. Because it doesn’t matter. She was with Sirius Black, they fancied each other, Dorcas was happy for them (extremely so, she promised) and that was end of story.
Dorcas just didn’t know what type of kisser Marlene was. She figured she’d be confident, overpowering, sure of herself. Kind of like how Mary described Sirius’ kissing style. But then she’d be soft too. Placing a hand on Dorcas’ cheek, moving it up to her scalp, biting down on her lower lip. She could see her smiling into it. And Dorcas would kiss the smile right off of her, do everything she could to take the lead. Dorcas knew that Marlene would let her.
She couldn’t let the fantasies go. Even when Marlene was talking to her about the most mundane of things. She couldn’t stop thinking about it. At this point, she was getting the steady impression that she did like Marlene. Which was good because she finally figured out that question. But then it was bad because now she was officially in Remus’ boat. She was with someone else and it was almost funny that she was with Sirius. It was almost like they were doing it on purpose. Like they knew how Remus and Dorcas felt about them.
“How’re things with you guys?” Lily asked one evening when they were hanging around the common room. She was eyeing Remus and Dorcas as if she was trying to figure something out. And automatically, Remus threw an arm around Dorcas as if he was being called out for not being romantic enough with her. It made her laugh.
“What?” Lily asked, amused.
“Nothing,” Dorcas grinned and across the way she caught Marlene’s eye. She was already looking at her. Almost in spite, she turned away and planted a kiss on Remus’ cheek. “I’m very happy with him.”
Remus looked at her with a raised eyebrow, smiling confusion painted on his features. “Likewise…”
When Dorcas looked back over to Marlene, she was still looking. But there was something playing on her face. Her jaw set, she seemed pensive. Maybe even a little upset or jealous. Dorcas hardly thought it was jealousy but still… it was an intoxicating thought that she had made Marlene jealous just by kissing someone else’s cheek. Marlene gave her a pointed look then whipped her gaze away.
For once, Dorcas felt like she had gained some sort of power.
“What was that about?” Remus asked later.
“What?”
“When Lily asked about us. You never kissed me before.”
“Yeah because we’re proper shit at faking this. And besides, it wasn’t a real kiss. It was on the cheek. Lily kisses you there all the time.”
“Sure,” Remus hummed. “But I thought we were ending this soon.”
“Remus.”
“Yes?”
“Marlene’s jealous of you.”
Remus sighed. “So what? We keep this up then because of that?”
“Maybe… I just saw her across the way though. She wasn’t happy that I kissed you.”
“So we’re keeping this up?”
Dorcas cringed and she scanned his face. She couldn’t tell how he was feeling about all of this. He didn’t seem angered or annoyed or anything like that. Really, he seemed more exhausted.
“What do you think, Lupin?”
“I think you want to keep this up.”
“No, dingus. I meant what do you want to do? I won’t keep it up if you don’t want to. That’s not fair to you and I respect that.”
Remus was looking back at her and then he nodded. “You owe me cigarettes, Dorcas.”
“I don’t owe you shit, Lupin.”
He grinned and headed his way to his dorm. “Whatever you say.”
***
Marlene seemed to retract herself after that incident. No more looks or touches or anything suggestive. As always, it flew under everyone’s radar except for Dorcas. Because she was acting perfectly normal. Hanging around, being her usual self. Except now she was unusually distant around Dorcas.
And unusually closer to Sirius. Sitting on his lap. Playing with his hair. Holding his hand. Making it an extra point to Dorcas. At least that’s exactly how it felt to her.
“You were right about Marls and Sirius, weren’t you?” Mary had said to Dorcas as they watched the two of them bicker and send lovey dovey looks to each other.
“Yeah,” Dorcas said more bitterly than she meant to.
“Don’t tell me you still fancy Black?”
“Mary, not again. For Merlin’s sake, I’m with Remus anyway.”
Mary huffed. “Please.”
“Excuse me?” Dorcas demanded.
“Sorry. I just. Are you two really together?”
“Yes? Why would you even question that?”
“The both of you don’t act like a couple.”
“Yeah and? You know Lupin and I, we aren’t exactly the most PDA orientated people,” Dorcas spat out.
Mary then nodded at that, sincerely apologetic. “Yeah, you’re right. Sorry about that, I didn’t mean to. That was shit of me.”
“It was,” Dorcas said, softly and then gave a weak smile to Mary. “It’s okay. How’s you and the muggle by the way?”
“Bloody annoying,” Mary rolled her eyes. “When he writes back I think I’m gonna end things.”
“Ouch. That bad?”
“He isn’t a bad dude. Just dull, you know? I’ve been looking at this one dude…”
***
3 November 1976
“I can’t believe we’re still keeping this up,” Remus said.
“What? Am I that miserable a fake girlfriend for you?”
Dorcas was fixing up her hair and applying red lipstick to her lips. She eyed him in the mirror where he was sitting at the edge of her bed. All awkward with his shoulders hunched and his hands clasped in his lap.
“No, no. I just can’t believe no one’s said anything about it.”
“Mary has.”
“Really?”
“Yeah. She said it was because we weren’t doing many couple things. Told her that we’re not the kinds to show affection and she laid off of it.”
“Oh.”
A beat of silence.
“Lupin?”
She turned around to face him as he looked up. “Yes?”
“You can end this whenever you want. You’re not trapped. We’re just screwing around with Sirius and Marlene, it’s not that serious.”
“I know. But it’s fun,” Remus said.
Dorcas wasn’t expecting that as a response. “It’s fun?”
“Yeah. Sometimes I get the idea that Sirius is jealous too.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, whenever I bring you up he gets so bitter. And I hate to say it but he gives the impression that he doesn’t like you sometimes.”
“Does he say shitty things about me?”
“Oh, Dorcas, don’t be like that. If anything, he says shit things about us as a unit.”
Dorcas laughed. “Like that’s any better. I don’t care what Sirius says about me anyways. He’s a prick.”
“Dorcas,” he said sternly.
“He is though.”
“He’s my best friend.”
“Still a prick. I swear if he hurts Marls too, he’s dead.”
“Please, the poor guy can’t take anymore. You already cut his cock off, didn’t you?”
“I did. But you know how I feel about Marlene. You’re amazing but I’d murder for her,” she teased.
“Careful,” he teased back. “You know how I feel about him. If you killed him, I wouldn’t hesitate to do the same to you. Just because you’re my fake girlfriend, doesn’t mean you get let off the hook.”
They headed down to the common room which was being set up for Sirius’ party. A record player was being fiddled with, James was flirting with Lily and Marlene was talking with Mary. When the two of them sat down next to Marlene and Mary, Dorcas made it a point to cuddle closer to Remus.
“Remussssss,” Mary called out. “You got any cigarettes?”
“What am I? Your cigarette dispenser?” he huffed.
“Yes,” Marlene said. “You turned us all into addicts and you always have some on you, so I think that’s a fair description of you.”
He sighed and shifted to pull a pack from his pocket. He tossed it over to Mary alongside a lighter.
“Thanks, Lupin,” Mary grinned.
“Tell your friends to get their own fags, yeah?” Remus said to Dorcas.
Dorcas giggled. “Tell ‘em yourself, darling.”
Marlene groaned, taking a cigarette for herself. “We can hear you two loud as day.”
“Fuck off, Marls,” Dorcas said, still keep her eyes glued to Remus. He was looking down at her, a quirk in his lips. An attempt to look some sort of fond.
Not too long after, Sirius came through the portal to the common room and the party began with the whole room cheering his name. The music was playing, everyone was having a grand old time. Dorcas stayed close to Remus. Dancing with him. Pretending to look like two teenagers in love for the world around them. Drinking, laughing, pretending, pretending and more pretending.
At some point, Sirius interrupted them, already tipsy.
“Moony. Moony. Moons,” he said and pulled him away from Dorcas. “I’m stealing him from you, Meadowes.”
“Sirius,” Remus said sternly but he had that look about him. It looked almost pained. A yearning type of pain and it sort of hurt Dorcas to see it.
“Go on,” she shrugged.
“But Dorcas,” Remus couldn’t take his eyes off of Sirius.
“Go on, it’s his birthday.”
“Smart girl, listen to her,” Sirius said and she noticed that he couldn’t take his eyes off of Remus. He dragged him away to who knows where and she found her way through the party.
Half an hour later, Marlene approached her.
“You seen Sirius?”
Dorcas shrugged. “Not too long ago. He took Remus somewhere.”
“Know where?”
“No I don’t fucking know where,” Dorcas spat out, bitterly.
Marlene scowled. “Blimey, what’s up with you?”
“Fuck off, McKinnon.”
She expected Marlene to stand her ground or something. To fight back like she always did and to be honest, Dorcas wanted her too. She was in the mood for a fight. She wasn’t liking the party, she had too much nervous energy buzzing in her. Everyone was having fun except for her. Like always. Like always.
Instead, Marlene rolled her eyes and moved away. “Fucking asshole.”
Dorcas jolted forward and yanked her back. “What’d you say to me?”
“The hell is wrong with you?”
“You called me an asshole.”
“What? You told me to fuck off. What’d you expect me to call you? Princess? Darling? Light of my life? You’re being a fucking asshole.”
Marlene tried to squirm away but Dorcas kept her grip. “You’re being an asshole too.”
“How, huh?” she then yanked her grasp away but turned to stand angrily in front of Dorcas. Okay, here we go. Now they were going to fight. And really fight.
“You’ve been so weird these past weeks. You’re avoiding me, aren’t you?”
“I’m avoiding you?” Marlene huffed. “No, I don’t think so.”
“Don’t be like that. You’ve been avoiding me like the bloody plague, what’s going on with you?”
“Nothing! You’re making shit up, Meadowes.”
“Shut up. Shut up. Shut up. I know you know what I’m fucking talking about.”
“I really don’t. Now will you let me leave?”
“I’m not holding you back. Do whatever you want. Go find your Sirius Black and fuck him then. He’s the fucking birthday boy, that was probably what you two were planning anyway.”
“Like you aren’t busy fucking Lupin to give a damn about me anymore.”
Dorcas stopped. Luckily they weren’t causing much of a scene. They weren’t yelling and people seemed to be in their own world having a blast. Only a few people were briefly giving curious glances.
“Is that what this is about?” Dorcas snapped and then because she was delirious and couldn’t stop herself, “You’re jealous of him, aren’t you?”
“What?”
“You heard me. You’re jealous of Remus.”
Marlene had anger burning in her eyes. She closed the space between them, getting as close as possible without touching. “Fuck off, Dorcas.”
This time when Marlene stomped away, Dorcas didn’t stop her. She let her go but she was fueled with so much anger. So much anger and she didn’t know what to do with it. Time ticking. She grabbed a bottle of alcohol and found a quiet corner where no one would bother her. She could really do with a cigarette… where the fuck was Remus Lupin? Was he still holed up with Sirius? What the fuck were they doing?
She needed Remus. She needed his cigarettes. The conversation she had with Marlene kept repeating in her head. Each time the words played out, she felt sick. Felt even more angered.
“Dorcas.” It was Remus. Fucking finally. “Can you come here?”
She turned to him and he didn’t look very happy either. His brows were drawn and his mouth was set in a straight line.
“You have a cigarette?” she asked.
“Will you come here?” he said, this time more forcefully.
“Why?”
“Sirius is a prick.”
“That’s what I told you earlier. Can I have a fag now?”
“Can you kiss me, Dorcas?”
Dorcas blinked. “Blimey, Lupin.”
“Come over here, please. Are you okay with kissing me?”
“Because of Sirius?”
“He’s a prick.”
She thought of Marlene. What she said before she stormed off. That she was jealous of Remus. She was jealous, wasn’t she…
“Alright. Alright, sure I’ll kiss you. Where is he?”
Remus didn’t say anything, just took hold of Dorcas’ wrist and pulled her through the party. Pushing past drunk, smiling happy people.
“Here,” Remus said and looked over her shoulder pointedly. Quickly she threw a glance, seeing Sirius was there with an arm around Marlene. “Tell me to stop anytime, okay?”
“Alright.”
Sirius and Marlene never kissed on the mouth. Never on the mouth.
Remus dove in and placed his lips firmly on hers, lifting his hands to cup her face. He tasted like cigarettes and alcohol and faintly of chocolate. And he was angry. She could feel it. Maybe more angry than she was. She played along, trying to pretend she was into it. But when she thought of Marlene, what she said. The fact that she was watching made her forget everything. She leaned in and wrapped her arms around his neck.
Someone cheered around them and it seemed to break Remus out of his trance. He pulled away gently, still keeping his face closed to Dorcas. He looked like he was regretting everything.
“Sorry,” he whispered. “Sorry. I wasn’t thinking.”
And when he turned to look at whoever had been cheering (James, of course), that look of regret had been wiped off his facade. He looked happy and he nudged James away. From there, he stumbled up to his dorm without saying anything more to Dorcas.
She turned to where Sirius and Marlene had been. Marlene wasn’t there anymore, just a Sirius who very much did not look like he was enjoying himself. He was staring at something from across the way, seeming lost.
She felt guilty. So much for being the birthday boy. But she hadn’t a clue what he had done to get Remus in that mood. So she reserved her guilt for another time.
When she went up to her dorm, she almost went the other way because she opened the door to see Marlene stomping about. Pacing. Running her hands through her beautiful blonde hair.
Dorcas shuffled in quietly, tugging at a dark coil of her own hair.
“Dorcas,” Marlene said.
“Going to bed.”
“Dorcas, listen. I’m sorry about earlier.”
She didn’t have anything to be sorry about. She knew that Marlene wasn’t the one in the wrong about that. But Dorcas didn’t have the mental room to open that can of worms at that moment.
“I’m going to bed,” she repeated.
Marlene shut herself up at that.
***
Remus was sheepish the next day around Dorcas. They were snaking through the library to study together and he was sticking to monosyllabic answers. Only speaking when being spoken to. Eventually they settled at a table alone, drowning in textbooks. Moments passed by. And then Dorcas couldn’t take it anymore.
“What happened with Sirius?”
Remus sighed, heavily. “It’s not a big deal.”
“Lupin, you were angry. You fucking kissed me.”
“Merlin, yeah,” he cringed. “Sorry about that. I shouldn’t have done that, shouldn’t have put you in that place.”
Dorcas waved it off. “Remus, really, it’s not a big deal. Just… what happened?”
He stared down at the textbook like he was bound to throw up on the page. He looked sick, turning pale.
“He took me to our room. I don’t know. He was a bit drunk. Telling me that he missed me and was thinking about me. He kissed me,” Remus whispered. “And then… and then he told me it was a fucking mistake.”
“Are you for real?”
“Yeah.”
“I’m going to murder him.”
“Yeah. Been thinking about that too.”
“We could do it together?”
He looked up and gave a shaky smile. “There isn’t anyone in this world I’d want to kill him with more.”
“That’s the sweetest compliment you’ve ever given me, Lupin.”
“Thank you. I promise I won’t kiss you again. Or at least if we have to I’ll give you more of a heads up.”
“Please, was it really that bad?”
“Dorcas, you’re a lesbian.”
If saying it was strange, having it be said back to her was even more strange. It felt nice, in all honesty. She hadn’t been worrying too much about her identity since figuring out how she felt about Marlene. That was a relief.
“I know. And that’s why I didn’t feel a thing about it.”
“Still shit of me.”
She lightly kicked him under the table. “Quit it, Remus. Besides it’s done, can’t go back now.”
“Alright.”
***
“Do you think he’s the one? Are you going to marry him?” Mary asked Dorcas on the way to class.
“Excuse me? Who the fuck said anything about marriage?” Dorcas laughed. “Definitely not.”
“Why not? I can see you tying the knot with Remus.”
“Blimey. Just no. Absolutely not. He’s cute but I’m not going to marry him. We’re literally sixteen.”
“Still. My parents got married young. They just knew.”
Mary was giddy. She had just sent off the letter that broke things off with her muggle boyfriend. Because that’s just how some people act during a breakup. Dorcas hoped he’d take it okay and not get too broken up about it.
“Well, I promise we don’t feel that way. We’re just screwing around.”
Mary smirked. “Oh yeah?”
Dorcas rolled her eyes, smiling. “Oh, you’re bloody annoying.”
“What’d she do?” a voice intruded.
And to Dorcas’ misfortune and dismay, it was Marlene McKinnon. Instantly she seemed to draw back. She still hadn’t apologized for the argument on Sirius’ birthday and she felt too much shame to go about it. She knew things wouldn’t go back to being okay until she did so. That was only fair to Marlene, anyway.
“Trying to see if Dorcas thinks Remus is the one,” Mary informed.
Marlene frowned. “As in marriage?”
“Yes.”
“Well?” she looked over to Dorcas, expectantly.
And Dorcas almost said yes. Almost told her that just to fucking spite Marlene further. “No, of course not.”
Mary smiled and nudged Marlene’s arm. “What about you?”
“What about me? You mean, Sirius and I?”
“Yeah of course, silly,” Mary said. “What? You seeing someone else?”
Marlene laughed. “Nah. Just, we’re so young. How the fuck are we to know about marriage?”
“That’s what Dorcas said.”
“Right,” Marlene nodded, looking at the floor below them. “Well, maybe. Suppose it’s up to Sirius too. See what he wants.”
“Actually?” Mary’s face broke out into a smile.
“I mean, I don’t think so. Like I said we’re fucking young. But it’s not like I’m going to discount it. Anything could happen.”
***
Remus began to cough uncontrollably.
“What? Fucking marriage? We’re sixteen!”
“Sirius is seventeen now.”
“Yeah, shit. I know. How out of hand is this going to get? Are you going to make me propose or something?”
“I told them I didn’t want to get married to you, Lupin.”
“Yeah, but at this point, I wouldn’t be surprised. We were going to break it off weeks ago.”
“That would be funny. If we got married just to spite them.”
“It would be crazy. Fucking mad. Listen, you’re lovely and all. But I’m not going to marry you.”
“Feel the same about you, so don’t worry your head about it. If anything, I think you’d be the one to ask if you could fake propose to me.”
“Well, I won’t. Even if Sirius asked Marlene. Marriage is where I fucking draw the line, what the fuck. I didn’t think I’d have to think about this.”
“Then don’t.”
***
It was getting ridiculous. Well, everything was. Dorcas knew that. But what was going on with Marlene was getting ridiculous. She knew she couldn’t avoid her forever, even if she wanted to because it would make things easier. But deep down, she didn’t want that.
One night she slipped out of bed and padded across the dorm to Marlene’s bed. She knew she was awake, her wand was on and she was probably reading. Marlene had always been a night owl. It made her feel fond just thinking of it. Marlene when she was young. When they were eleven she'd stay up late, even on school nights. That never changed. Even after all these years.
She didn’t want this to change. She didn’t want to lose Marlene over a dumb argument and the stupid fact that Dorcas fancied her.
“Hey Marls?” she whispered to the draperies of Marlene’s bed.
It was still for a few seconds. And then the draperies were yanked open, Marlene’s head popping through.
“Dorcas. Hi.”
This was probably a bad time. In the middle of the night. With Lily and Mary fast asleep in the beds around them. Sure, it was a shit time. This obviously wasn’t an appropriate time to have a conversation like this. But Dorcas felt like it was now or never. That she wouldn’t have the nerve to do this in the daytime. Because in the daytime, there was too much shame to be seen. She knew that much.
“Hi. Can I talk to you?” she asked, sheepishly.
Marlene’s eyes were wide. But then she nodded, scooting over and giving Dorcas space on the bed next to her. Softly Marlene casted a silencing spell around them so the others wouldn’t be disturbed. Crossing her legs, Dorcas leaned against the pillows next to Marlene. Just like old times. Exactly like it.
Dorcas being fascinated that someone could stay up so late (her parents were always so strict about bedtime. She couldn’t stay up reading if she wanted to). Her asking to join Marlene at some point, then reading together and bonding. Not caring about how exhausted they would be going to class the next morning. It was their own world and it was always Dorcas’ favorite part of the day. How simple things were then. And then she felt disturbed by the fact that she would probably look back on this and think it was simple. With the war and in general, life after Hogwarts on the horizon, everything looked so fucking dark.
Trying to mend a little argument would someday seem so simple to her. That scared her. No matter how much truth there was to it.
“Sure. What’s up?” Marlene asked, nervously.
“I’m sorry about Sirius’ party. I shouldn’t have said all of that.”
Marlene looked at her. “No. You shouldn’t have.”
“I don’t know what had gotten into me then. I just… was having some rotten time and I took it out on you. Doesn’t excuse anything but I figure you should know.”
“Okay. I forgive you.”
Dorcas didn’t think it would be that easy. But she nodded, accepting what she got. “Okay.”
Marlene was quiet, toying with a book in her hands. Dorcas looked over at it. Orlando by Virginia Woolf.
“Is it good?” Dorcas asked, nodding to the book.
Marlene looked down at it, as if she had to remind herself what she was reading. “Yeah, yeah it really is. A muggle friend of mine gave it as a gift before I went away. She said I would like it and I do so far, at least.”
“Oh? Would I like it?”
“Yeah. I think you would.”
“Alright. Well, when you’re done with it, you’ll have to lend it to me. If that’s fine with you, of course.”
“Course it’s fine.”
“Okay. Cool.”
“Cool.”
“... Yeah.”
It fell quiet again. Nothing to say at that point and Dorcas was dreading every second. It seemed like their friendship was falling apart. Every second they weren’t saying something to each other, letting the awkwardness consume, it felt like all their years of history were unraveling. She hated it, but she didn’t know what to do. Marlene was always better at conversation than her.
But she didn’t have to fret for much longer.
“Dorcas?” Marlene asked softly.
“Yeah.”
“You were right. I am jealous of Lupin, you know.”
Dorcas stopped breathing, her limbs freezing up. She looked at Marlene, searching for her face. For something more to what she said. But looking at her, there didn’t seem to be much hint to just what she was getting at.
“What?”
Marlene smiled at her and then looked back down at her book. Tracing her fingertips on it’s cover, alongside the sides of it. She went about it so tenderly.
“I know he’s a good bloke. Good for you, you know. I know he’d treat you right and all that so I don’t worry too hard about him hurting you. But I just feel like… envious of him.”
“Envious? Why?”
“Dorcas. You’re my best friend. My partner in crime and all that cheesy bullshit. I feel like he’s taking you away from me.”
“Marls. I’m not some object you or Remus or anyone can claim,” Dorcas said but she knew her voice was shaking.
“No, I know, I know. That’s not what I meant. You’re just always around Lupin. I never see you anymore. And I’m jealous that he gets to see you.”
“I never see you anymore. That’s why I started hanging around with him more. You were and are always around Sirius. It made me lonely.”
Marlene’s grin was shy but just a little shiteating. “I’m not an object you can claim. I can hang around whoever I want.”
“Shut up, you. Just… I was jealous of Sirius. And to be frank, I reckon I still am.”
Dorcas was treading on dangerous territory now. She knew it. She could feel it but looking at Marlene made her feel safe. Feel some sort of warmth. She figured she could tell Marlene anything and she’d be alright with it. Even if she confessed how she felt. Marlene would probably be okay with it, with Dorcas fancying her even though she didn’t feel that way. It was alright.
“Yeah?” Marlene asked.
“Yeah.”
“Well, you don’t have to worry much, you know.”
“Oh?”
“Yeah. I like you much more than him.”
“Really?”
“Really.”
“But he’s your boyfriend?”
“Yeah but I don’t love him. Not like I love you, Dorcas.”
Oh shit. And to make matters exponentially worse, Marlene reached a hand over to cup Dorcas’ cheek, thumb swiping against it. Dorcas sighed contently and leaned into it. Marlene’s hand was warm and smelled sweetly of lavender.
“I love you too.”
“More than Lupin?”
Dorcas scoffed because that was beyond ridiculous. “Yes. Of course more than Lupin, you twat.”
Marlene grinned. “Okay. Stay the night?”
And there was yet another one of their precious relics of childhood. Sleeping in the same bed which developed some time in their second year. Dorcas one night didn’t have the energy to get back into her own bed. So Marlene allowed her to sleep with her and then it became a habit. A thing they just did. A part of their friendship. Their special bond.
“Yes.”
And Marlene turned off the light on her wand and pushed her book off the bed. They got under the covers and like it was nothing, they settled in.
“Night, Dorcas.”
“Night, McKinnon.”
The next morning, Dorcas awoke slowly and softly to the feeling of a hand rubbing against her cheek. Gently she opened her eyes. She was immediately met with Marlene’s soft and sleepy gaze.
“Hi,” Dorcas whispered, voice hoarse from sleep.
Marlene laughed. “Hey.”
Lightly Marlene kept touching her face, moving her thumb everywhere. Against her nose, along the curvature of her cheek and even across her bottom lip. All ever so gently, sending shivers up Dorcas’ entire body. She felt like she was melting in Marlene’s touch. Slowly, Dorcas reached out a hand to grace Marlene. She found her shoulders, her hands trailing up her neck, over her jaw and ears, fingers carding through messy blonde hair. Marlene hummed.
“I ever tell you that you’re beautiful, Meadowes?” Marlene whispered.
Again, they were treading on dangerous waters. Dorcas could feel her heart practically begging to leap forward, to continue this further.
“You haven’t. Can you tell me again?”
Marlene grinned, and this time she rubbed a finger firmly across her bottom lip, tugging down. Dorcas let out a sigh.
“You’re beautiful, Dorcas.”
She lost control. From the way Marlene was touching and looking at her, the fact she was so close at such a tender time. She moved forward and met Marlene’s lips. She was only kissing her for a matter of a seconds when Marlene tugged away. Her face unreadable and it caused a surge of panic through Dorcas’ body.
“Shit. Shit. I’m so sorry I don’t know what-”
“Hush for a sec,” Marlene said and fumbled for her wand. She gently cast a silencing spell around them. “Okay, come back here.”
Dorcas didn’t move. “Was that okay?”
“Meadowes, come back here.”
She didn’t know what Marlene was going to do. Slap her for kissing her? Call her a slur and promise to never be her friend again? Tell the whole school who she is and have her probably get expelled? But she moved over, accepting her fate. This was her fault after all.
Marlene reached for her face, a sturdy hand against her jaw. “Relax. I have you.”
And Marlene leaned forward and met her lips again with such confidence. Dorcas leaned over her, a hand perched on the pillow next to Marlene’s head. And she kissed exactly how Dorcas pictured it but so, so, so much better. The perfect combination of soft and confident. She knew what she was doing, she was certain but she was kissing Dorcas like she was fucking precious. Through kisses, Dorcas’ body was buzzing, absolutely glowing. She moved, unable to resist the magnetic pull Marlene had on her any longer.
At some point, she moved over so she was straddling Marlene, kissing her like her life depended on it. Touching, touching. Marlene’s hands gripping at Dorcas’ back. At some point, Dorcas heard the sounds of Lily and Mary shuffling awake. Even if there was a silencing spell cast on them, it still was enough to jolt her out of the trance she was in.
She pulled away and looked down at Marlene, who was already looking at her. Eyes half lidded, lazy grin, head leaning back, her neck exposed. She was heavenly. Leaning down again, she licked a trail up Marlene’s neck and found a place to kiss not too far from her ears. Then she began to suck gently, wanting so bad to leave a mark.
“Careful,” Marlene whispered, although she didn’t seem so bothered by Dorcas wanting to leave a mark. If anything, she seemed pleased.
Dorcas hummed and sucked once more, teeth brushing the skin. She smelled so good. She wanted to inhale Marlene whole because she smelled so, so, so good. She pulled away again, but nestled her face into Marlene’s neck. She felt arms wrap around her body, Marlene holding her. Keeping her safe. And Dorcas kept breathing in total disbelief, letting it all sink in.
It couldn’t have been real. Marlene kissing her. Wanting to kiss her. It couldn’t have been real.
***
She thought it would make things weird. But if anything, it seemed to change things for the better. The whole day passed by in a giddy daze. Marlene smiled at her brightly, sometimes even blushing, sending very cute coy looks. During lunch, she sat next to Dorcas, thighs brushing together and her shooing away Sirius- “I’ve been spending too much time with you, Black. I need to spend some time with my girls.”
Which really meant Dorcas. In History of Magic, Marlene slid in the seat next to her and at some point she grabbed her hand from under the table. Playing with it, tracing her fingers across it. Then holding it eagerly. Like it was hers to hold.
In the common room, Marlene laid on her lap and toyed with the ends of Dorcas’ hair, with the hem of her jumper, laughing and smiling like a lunatic.
She kissed Marlene McKinnon.
“Seems like our girlfriends are too interested in each other to give a damn about us anymore, eh Moony?” Sirius teased.
Dorcas turned her attention to them. Remus was looking at her with an amused grin, like he knew what was going on. She grinned back, nodding as if to further confirm what was going on. And Sirius looked tired, resting his head against the couch casually.
“Seems so.”
“I feel like I’m more equipped to be giving Marlene the stern friend talking to this time,” Remus said later when it was just them on his bed. “What is she playing at?”
Dorcas laughed, still so giddy and high from the morning. “I’m not sure, really.”
“You’re not sure?”
“Well, we kissed this morning. Like it was nothing.”
“Like it was nothing?” Remus hummed. “No remorse for cheating on Sirius then?”
Dorcas poked his side. “Didn’t sound like Sirius showed much remorse for cheating on Marlene either. Any news about him?”
“There you are, changing the subject,” Remus said, lightly but continued. “He’s pretending like it never happened. What happened on his birthday.”
“I think you should talk to him about it.”
“No, I think I should forget about fancying him. Would probably do the both of us a favor. It got us into this mess anyway.”
“Yeah, but look at where talking got Marlene and I.”
Remus looked over at her, scanning her face and then moving his eyes over to a place beyond her shoulder. He was in thought.
“Yeah, but that’s different.”
“It’s different?” she huffed a laugh. “How so? Enlighten me, Lupin.”
“Well, you’re girls.”
“Yes? And?”
He gestured with his hands faintly. “It’s different for you guys. It’s easier to, you know… talk.”
Dorcas rolled her eyes. “Don’t be like that. There’s no difference. Fucking talk to him. I’ll talk to him for you, if you need ‘girl intervention’ or whatever. Just because you have a dick doesn’t mean you're incapable of human communication.”
“Don’t talk to him,” Remus said, seriously, looking back at Dorcas. “I will kill you.”
“I won’t,” Dorcas said. “But I’m just saying, it would do the both of you a lot of good if you got over yourselves and talked to each other. If he kissed you, regardless of what he said, I say there’s a good chance he fancies you back.”
“What about us? Him and Marlene?”
“I dunno. What do you think?”
“We don’t need to pretend anymore. You’ve got Marlene.”
“I wouldn’t go as far to say that. I have no idea what she wants.”
“You know what I mean.”
“How about you talk to Black and we move from there, yeah?”
Remus groaned deeply and rubbed his hands across his face. “Ugh. No promises to that.”
***
Dorcas always felt like she had a unique and special kind of bond with each of the girls. There was Lily. Who was always sensible and so goddamned smart. Throughout the years, they spent so many nights studying and she knew that she wouldn’t have passed a number of her exams without Lily. But it was more than just her smarts that made her so great. She was so loyal, so dependable. She could always count on her and that’s what made her so bloody great. Now that she was a prefect and sure to become head girl next year, she felt like she didn’t get to see her so much anymore. It was a shame.
Then there was Mary. The first friend she made when she came to Hogwarts. Dorcas was a nervous first year, stumbling through the train and looking through compartments. There she found one with a lone girl who seemed to be her age. She didn’t look nervous, she looked excited with her legs swinging from the seat. And it was a relief to be around another black girl. When she asked to join her in the compartment, they hit it off instantly. Bonding like they had been friends forever. That hadn’t changed. Dorcas adored Mary and she knew Mary felt the same way. They always had each other’s backs.
Marlene. It took awhile for her to really bond with Marlene. It wasn’t a quick connection like it was with Mary and Lily. If anything, Marlene was just Mary’s friend for a long while and Dorcas viewed her as just another roommate. That was until one night she snuck into her bed to see why she was staying up late.
This particular night, she was doing the same thing, a book tucked into her arm. But she wasn’t planning to read. Marlene let her in without a question, instantly casting a silencing spell. Taking her in, kissing and kissing. It was now just a thing they did.
Like it was nothing. No remorse for Remus and Sirius, their supposed boyfriends. Who they were supposed to be snogging.
Dorcas had planned to talk to Marlene about it. To ask her what exactly they were. What Marlene exactly wanted from this. And why? Why? But she got so caught up from the kissing, from Marlene slipping an easy hand up her night shirt. It felt so good. She completely forgot any coherent thought. And when it was over, Dorcas collapsed as an exhausted and happy mess.
She closed her eyes and Marlene reached her arms around her, enveloping her into an embrace. It was so nice. She felt herself drifting off into slumber, tangled up in Marlene.
***
“You talk to Sirius yet?” Dorcas asked the next day.
Remus groaned. “Nope. What about you and Marls?”
“Nope.”
“See, told you it isn’t easy.”
***
Marlene was showing less interest in Sirius. She was hardly looking at him or talking to him anymore. She stayed by Dorcas’ side. Almost glued to her side. Dorcas still hadn’t asked what was going on. Neither has Marlene. The longer time passed, the more she thought asking would break them from this heavenly trance.
Sirius and Remus still seemed to be avoiding each other. Or when they weren’t doing that, pretending like nothing was happening.
At one point in the library, Dorcas whispered over to Marlene. “Can you ask Sirius to talk to Remus? He wants to talk to him about something but is too much of a coward to do it.”
“Sure thing, Meadowes.”
Dorcas was looking at Marlene, who was looking back at her with a sort of evil smirk. The way her eyes glinted. Like she knew something that Dorcas didn’t and she was going to be an ass about it.
“What?”
“Nothing,” Marlene shrugged.
“You’re giving me a look.”
Marlene giggled. “Am not. You’re seeing things.”
“You’re still giving it to me. What the fuck is it?”
“I told you nothing! Go back to work.”
“Marlene.”
“Dorcas.”
Marlene’s hand was on the table and Dorcas grabbed it. Certain and rubbing a thumb on Marlene’s thumb. Marlene stopped and looked down at their interlocked hands, a blush rising on her pale cheeks.
“What is it, Marls?” Dorcas asked, softly, her voice low.
Marlene looked back at her, with slight shock in her eyes. She was utterly flustered.
“That won’t work on me, Dorcas,” she breathed out.
Dorcas smirked. “Oh yeah?”
“Yeah. It won’t.”
“What if I-” Dorcas moved their hands up and she brushed her lips against Marlene’s fingers. She watched her face, watching her look even more shocked.
“Merlin,” she breathed out. “Meadowes, we’re in public.”
Dorcas gave her an innocent, perplexed look. “What? What am I doing?”
Marlene moved their hands down but she didn’t let them go. “Listen, I can’t tell you about it, okay? I’ll… I’ll tell Sirius though, is that alright?”
Dorcas felt almost in shock that she was able to get Marlene in a state like this. She felt almost powerful… and very, very pleased with herself. So she did have some sort of grasp over Marlene like Marlene did over her. That was good. Good to know.
“That’s fine,” Dorcas said, squeezing her hand before letting go. “Thank you.”
***
17 November 1976
“Dorcas. Meadowes,” Remus huffed as he sat down at the table for breakfast.
“Uh oh, this doesn’t sound good,” she said, squinting at him.
“Well, it’s bloody not.”
“Fancy telling me why?”
He was giving her a death glare. She had a good idea why. And she knew that he probably knew that she knew why. Still.
“Yeah, okay. How about you tell me why Sirius Black just asked me why Marlene told him to talk to me?”
“I don’t know,” she said. “Doesn’t sound like I was involved in that.”
“Dorcas.”
“Well. Did you talk to him about it then?”
“What? No, course not, I told him to fucking bugger off because I knew you had some sort of hand in this.”
“Merlin, you are hopeless, aren’t you?”
“Fucking hell, Dorcas. Just why? I told you I didn’t want you to tell him.”
“I didn’t tell him!”
“Well, I know you told Marls to.”
“I told her that I wanted Sirius to talk to you. Not about anything else.”
“Sirius isn’t bloody dense. What else do you think that would mean? He probably thought I put Marlene up to this and-”
“Quit complicating this! He probably wasn’t thinking that!”
“You don’t know that. You’re not his best friend.”
“Well, it wasn’t that big a deal.”
“This is a huge deal, what the fuck are you on about? He’s my best friend. I know that if he knew he wouldn’t give a shit for me anymore.”
“I know what it’s like, Lupin. You know that. Just… why don’t you give him a chance.”
“Shit. You just don’t get it,” Remus snapped and got up from the table.
And at horrible time, the moment he stood up, Sirius was approaching the table. “Hiya Moons-”
Remus didn’t give him the time of day and stormed off to the door. Sirius, with an eyebrow raised, sat down at the table where Remus had been sitting next to Dorcas.
“Trouble in paradise, eh?”
Dorcas snorted. “Sure.”
“What’s with him anyway?”
“Mad at me for something. Reasonably so.”
“Oh,” Sirius said, awkwardly. He was fiddling with a black strand of hair.
“Yeah.”
“Hey Dorcas?”
“Yep?”
“I want you to know I snogged him. Moony. Er, Remus. I snogged Remus at my birthday,” he said like the news would break Dorcas.
Instead, she rolled her eyes. “Yeah, I know.”
“You know?”
“Yes. He told me.”
Sirius paled. “He… told you?”
“Yes, he fucking did.”
“Are you mad at me?”
She was and not for the reasons she knew he thought she would be.
“Yes. Why would you throw his heart around like that?”
“What?”
“Sirius, you really hurt him. Why would you do that?”
“I hurt him?”
“Yes, you twat. Why the fuck did you kiss him in the first place?”
Sirius paused and he genuinely looked like he was about to be sick. He stared down at his lap, not meeting her eyes.
“Well, he snogged me in the first place and I just… at the party, I was getting drunk and he was so beautiful,” he finally looked at her for a second, “You would probably know that, being his girl and all. I don’t know really why I did it. Just ever since he snogged me, I couldn’t stop thinking about it. About him. About his lips. I was thinking about him, the way I should be thinking a girl.”
“Sirius,” she said, sternly. “Go talk to him. Now.”
“I can’t.”
“Yes, you can. Be honest with him.”
“I don’t want to ruin things with him.”
“I can promise you it won’t ruin things.”
Sirius gave her a strange look. “Why the fuck are you telling me these things? Aren’t you supposed to be his girlfriend? You should be like, pissed at me for that, yeah?”
“Don’t be dense. Lupin and I weren’t really a thing.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, we were just trying to get you jealous.”
And suddenly that classic Sirius Black grin began to take hold of his face. All cocky, not a single trace of humbleness on it. The worry left his eyes and that insufferable look of mischief in his eyes that wooed so many girls over appeared.
“Yeah? That bastard, Lupin. You know that’s what Marls was doing when we became a thing, right?”
If Dorcas was eating or drinking something, she would’ve choked on it after hearing what had come out of Sirius’ mouth.
“Pardon?”
“Don’t tell me you thought we were actually a thing? She got so jealous when you started going out with Moons. I thought it was funny.”
Dorcas felt a feeling in her gut and she tried to swallow it down. “Please. You were jealous too.”
“Sure,” Sirius huffed.
“Black.”
“What?”
“Go fucking talk to him now.”
Siirius was still smirking as he got up from the table. “Alright, alright. See you around.”
“And don’t tell him I told you he was trying to make you jealous. I know he’d never forgive me for that.”
“I won’t, I won’t,” Sirius held his hands up in defense. He still was wearing a cocky facade, but she could see his nerves beginning to crush in.
After getting a bite of breakfast, Dorcas left the Great Hall and walked through the halls. People were walking about in groups. Heading to where they needed to go. But finally, she spotted a familiar blonde haired girl talking to another familiar redhead. Like magnets, Dorcas gravitated towards them.
“Dorcas,” Lily’s face brightened.
“Hey,” she said. “You mind if I steal Marls from you?”
Lily shrugged. “She’s all yours. I’ve got a meeting here coming up anyway.”
And so Dorcas dragged Marlene through the crowded halls, pushing past people.
“Meadowes!” Marlene laughed behind her. “The fuck are you taking me?”
“Hush! You’ll see soon enough.”
Where she took her was an old closet in a hidden corridor. She spelled it locked and silenced it. She looked around, making sure no one was inside the closet. And then when she was sure, she turned to Marlene.
“What is it?” Marlene was grinning widely at her.
Dorcas didn’t answer. Instead, she rushed towards her and pushed her up against the wall. Lips crashing together harshly. Kissing frantically, rearranging limbs for more comfort. Marlene meeting her kiss with the same amount of passion and desperation that she gave.
“You wanted to make me jealous,” Dorcas breathed out between kisses.
Instead of being mad or confused, Marlene filled the air with that brilliant laugh of hers. She went in to kiss Dorcas hard at that.
“Sirius told you that, huh?”
“I wanted to make you jealous too.”
Marlene finally pulled away to get a proper look at Dorcas’ face. She had cupped her face, keeping her in place and was grinning like an idiot.
“So you and Lupin were faking too?”
“Course we were. I’m a bloody lesbian, Marls.”
“Really? The way you were kissing him at Black’s party could’ve fooled me.”
“I was thinking about how much it would upset you.”
“Well, it worked alright.”
Dorcas didn’t hesitate to lean in and gently placed a kiss on her lips. Her perfect, pink lips. “Marls, what are we?”
“Assuming that you aren’t with Remus?”
Dorcas grinned. “Assuming that you aren’t with Sirius.”
“I’d fancy you as my girl,” Marlene said.
And the bluntness of her statement and the confidence of her features made Dorcas feel so goddamned shy. She bit at her lip. “Yeah?”
“Fuck yeah. I’ve fancied you since the end of fourth year.”
“You what?”
“Yeah. Been mad about you for years, of course I want you to be my girl. To be your girl.”
“Merlin, McKinnon. Why didn’t you say anything?”
“Dunno. Didn’t think you’d be into girls. Didn’t want to risk it. Why?”
“Now I’m embarrassed. I’ve only figured out I fancied you about a month ago,” she laughed and was met with Marlene’s fond smile.
“Can I be honest?”
“Course, Marls.”
“I don’t mind much when you found out you fancied me. Just the fact you fancy me is enough,” she said.
“Merlin, yeah. Of course I’ll be your girl. Whatever you want.”
Marlene looked so happy and she moved to kiss her again. Happy, smiling and passionate.
***
Dorcas left Marlene’s side when she saw Remus in the common room. He had a wide smile on his face, staring down at a book.
“You seem to be doing better?” she said.
He looked up at her and rolled his eyes. Yet he didn't get rid of the smile. “Pipe it, Meadowes.”
“So he talked to you then?”
“I told you not to meddle with Pads and I.”
“I know and I’m genuinely sorry about it but you wouldn’t have talked to him anyways. I couldn’t watch you two ruin your relationship; You needed the push, Lupin.”
He sighed. “Well, for now I thank you. But don’t be surprised if I murder you in your sleep one of these days.”
“Justified. So you and Sirius?”
His grin widened. “We-”
“Back off, Meadowes,” Sirius entered the room with a pointed glare fixed on Dorcas. “He’s not your man anymore.”
“Says who?”
Sirius looked at Remus and placed a hand on his shoulder. “You haven’t broken up with her yet?”
“How could I?” Remus chuckled. “Was busy snogging your face off this past half hour to go about that?”
“Well,” Sirius nudged him. “This is a perfect time to do it.”
Remus rolled his eyes with an exasperated sigh. “Dorcas, I hate to do this but I think we’re better off as friends.”
“You know,” Dorcas said. “I’ve been thinking the same, as well.”
“Perfect. Glad to hear you’re not broken up over it.”
Dorcas laughed. “Fuck off. Black, I’ll cut your dick off if you even so much as hurt a hair on his body.”
Sirius nodded, his full attention on Remus. “You got it.”
So she left them to it and wandered over to where Marlene was standing across the room, looking all beautiful. She thought about Meg, what she’d think at this moment.
Good for you. Getting yourself a girl.
And not just any girl either. Marlene McKinnon- who had fancied her since bloody fourth year, which was beyond crazy!
“You doing alright?” she asked her.
Marlene grinned and grazed a hand over Dorcas’ hand. “More than alright, Meadowes.”