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What Would Dean Do? WWDD? That is pretty much Sam’s mantra these days. He’d first asked himself that question when he’d gotten a call about a hunt in Austin. All he’d wanted to do was curl into a ball and sob. But Dean would have gone, would have saved those people, so Sam did exactly that.
It soon became kind of an obsession. The WWDD ever-present in his head. He hadn’t had a salad in weeks, always went for the burgers and pies, because that was what Dean would have chosen. A desperate attempt to fill the empty hole that gapes in his life. It doesn’t work though. Neither does the alcohol, the nights he spends in bars, drinking, like Dean would have. Yet he can’t make himself stop. He has to do what Dean would have done.
And so Sam keeps hunting. Keeps spending hours on the road, goes to bars in every town he hits and drinks himself to exhaustion in a desperate attempt to forget. (As if he ever could forget Dean.)
It’s this new mantra of his, that has Sam going home with the dark haired woman that was drinking at the bar next to him for the better part of an hour now. When he first realises that she’s actually flirting with him, he wants to pay quickly and leave. He just gives her a polite answer, because he’s too well mannered not to. But then he inevitably asks himself what Dean would do, and he puts his game face on and flirts back. Tentative, because he isn’t nearly as good as his brother was at flirting, but he does his best anyway. After a while she asks if he could walk her home, and he does. And when she invites him in, he follows that invitation, too, because Dean would have.
During the night he feels both pathetic and guilty. Guilty, because how can he have a good time while Dean is dead? Pathetic, because he doesn’t really have a good time. But at least he makes sure the woman does. He even stays the night. He’s terrified of going back to an empty motel room, and she doesn’t seem to mind.
The next morning, when she suggests they exchange numbers, he does. (Dean would have done so.) He gives her a kiss on the cheek (he has seen Dean do the same with his hookups) and leaves without looking back; despising himself for not being able to act without the mental guidance of his big brother anymore.
After that night, Sam leaves town. There have been some strange disappearances a state over that Dean would have looked into. He goes and solves the case. Some drained bodies after that, but all in all things are quiet. Not a lot to do, so Sam keeps driving through the country, aimless, restless. He’s not ready to go back to the empty bunker yet. He’s not sure he ever will be.
He’s having dinner in a no name roadside diner when his phone vibrates, the woman's name flashing on the screen. Sandra. Not even a last name. Sam smiles ruefully. Dean would have saved her number under her first name, followed by the city he’d met her in. That’s how he kept track of his hookups. Sam got a bit sloppy there, not doing exactly what Dean would have done. On the other hand, this has been his only hookup since Dean died, so it’s not like he could mix them all up.
The phone keeps ringing, but Sam doesn't answer it. He feels a bit bad about it, but he really isn’t interested in dealing with anybody at the moment. Instead he concentrates on eating his double bacon cheeseburger and imagines Dean doing the same opposite of him.
An hour later Sam’s phone rings again. Sam ignores it.
When she’s calling a third time, Sam thinks Dean surely would have answered it. One hand on the wheel, he fishes the phone from the (empty) seat next to him and slides the green bar over.
“Hello?” he asks in a soft voice.
“Hi, Sam, uh … this is, uh… Sandra. I donˋt know if you remember me…”
“Yes, of course, Sandra, I’m sorry I didn’t answer earlier, I was busy…”
“That’s okay. Listen, uh, I really need to talk to you.”
She sounds so nervous and almost scared, that Sam is immediately on alert.
“Is everything ok?”
“Yes, yes, everything is fine. It’s … listen, I’d rather talk to you in person, if that’s ok.”
Sam has a sinking feeling in his stomach. But Sandra sounds so lost.
“I’m not in Colorado at the moment, but I can be there by tomorrow morning.”
“That would be great. Thank you, Sam.”
Sam puts the phone away and turns the car around. It’s not like he has any case to work, any place to be. And besides, Dean would have gone to see her, too.
…
Sam isn’t really surprised when she tells him that she’s pregnant. She had sounded urgent and a bit distressed on the phone, so yeah, he kind of figured. But he is surprised by the FACT that she got pregnant in the first place. They had used protection, of course. Sam himself had fished the condom out of Dean’s duffel bag, where he knew his brother always kept a stash. He hadn’t needed Dean’s mental guidance to practice safe sex. Sam isn’t an idiot.
Yet, here they are. The woman, whose last name he still doesn’t know, telling him that she is pregnant with his child.
She knows how that sounds. She tells him that she doesn’t expect anything from him, but that she thought he should know. She also offers to take a paternity test, once the child is born. Yet she assures him that it could only be his, that there was no one else in months. Sam believes her.
He’s shocked. The last thing he ever wanted to do was to bring a child into this horrible, horrible world.
The child doesn’t have to grow up in the life, he thinks. With a sudden clarity Sam knows that he will do everything he can to keep this child safe.
Sandra and Sam come to an understanding. He gets a motel room close by for the beginning. He’s not ready to plan for the future, yet. A future without Dean, his mind supplies not very helpfully. But he knows that he won’t leave the woman who’s carrying his baby alone. It’s as much a shock for her as it is for him. All he can do is promise her that they will work it out together, somehow. And that he will help her care for this child.
…
By the time the birth arrives, Sam has found a job at the local library. That’s certainly not what Dean would have done, he thinks with a rueful smile, as he signs the contract. Dean would have been stuck elbows-deep under the hood of a car, grease smeared all over his face, if he ever had to find a 9 to 5 job. But Dean would also have been genuinely happy for Sam to find a job in a library. Sam can practically hear him crack joke after joke about his geeky nerd brother, not being able to hide how proud he is of him. The thought brings tears to his eyes.
Sam has also found a small one bedroom apartment, only two streets away from Sandra’s house. He’s gotten to know her by now, and the two of them get along really well. Sam wouldn’t call it love. How could he ever call anything love, when it always, always compares to the intense bond he shared with Dean? Every relationship he has falls short. Always has, always will. But Sam actually likes Sandra. She has a troubled past, went through an abusive relationship and doesn’t want to get engaged in one again. Maybe that’s why they get along so well. Neither of them expects more. Neither of them want to talk about the past. They talk about the present, they talk about their child, and that seems to help both of them to get a grip on what they are dealing with. Each in their own messed up way.
The ultrasound reveals the baby is a boy. Sam is a bit nervous when he talks to Sandra about the name. Because this is really important to him. But Sandra doesn’t have any objections. She says she likes the name. And she knows what it means to Sam, even if they donˋt talk much about the past.
When it’s time, Sam drives her to the hospital. He paces the waiting room, too nervous to sit. Dean’s words run through his mind again and again. I’m gonna be with you … right here … every day. Sam put’s a hand over his own heart, feeling the ghost of Dean’s gentle touch underneath. For the first time the memory doesn’t make him cry. A warm feeling spreads through him. It’s almost as if Dean is here, right next to him.
A minute later the nurse comes to get him.
…
When Sam holds little Dean for the first time, he learns that he can, in fact, love another human being besides his brother with all his heart.
…
The love he feels for his son heals his wounded soul as much as it possibly can. But Sam accepts the fact that his soul is not whole. And that it won’t be until he is finally, finally reunited with Dean. For now he has a little one to care for, though. And it makes him feel a little less alone, makes this bone deep longing for the other half of his soul a bit more bearable.
…
Sam goes to see Sandra and his son everyday. Once she stops breastfeeding, Dean also spends time at his apartment, a few hours here and there. But as soon as Dean takes his first tentative steps, it becomes apparent that the one bedroom place is too small for a toddler. Especially one with Dean’s urge to move and explore the world.
Sandra’s house is big enough and they get along really well, so Sam moves in. Both of them have formed a strong friendship, and isn’t that an achievement for Sam. He was never good at forming friendships, that was always Dean’s habit. Sam’s heart aches at the thought that Dean and Sandra would have gotten along really well too. Maybe that’s the reason he likes her so much in the first place, he thinks a bit guiltily.
Dean junior is overjoyed that Daddy lives with them now. Sam has his own bedroom, though. Itˋs more of a shared house arrangement. And Sam assures Sandra that, should she ever want him to, he’ll move out. He’d never use and abuse her the way her ex did. Sandra seems to trust him on that. She makes room in the living room for Sam’s family portrait. She thinks Mary and John are his cousins. How could he possibly explain to her, why his dead parents look the same age as him and Dean? Dean would have gone with the cousin’s explanation, too. Sam’s sure of that.
…
For a few years, Sam expects Sandra to bring home a new boyfriend and ask him to leave. He wouldn’t blame her, they have nothing exclusive. He isn’t ready to commit to any relationship other than his son. But Sandra doesn’t seem to be, either.
People see them as a couple, and thatˋs ok. Most of the time they sleep separated, but every now and then they spend a night together. And Sam eventually even stops to ask himself what-would-Dean-do in THESE situations. Because, seriously, even Sam realises that’s taking it a step too far, asking himself what his brother would have done in bed. He can’t help picturing it, though, when he’s alone in his room. And isn’t that fu..ed up? Especially when he’s the one who is kissing Dean and … no, NO, he can’t go there. There has to be a boundary to his grief. Yes, he yearns for Dean with all his heart, but picturing his brother's arms all around him, everywhere on his body, is … Sam get’s out of bed and takes a cold shower.
…
Little Dean grows up to be such a bright kid! He’s as thirsty for knowledge as his dad, and Sam’s heart almost bursts with fondness and joy when he’s teaching him, helping him study for school.
The years go by, and one day Sam looks back and becomes aware that he hasn’t thought about hunting in a long time. With surprise he realizes that he has, in fact, gotten out of the life. He has only sporadic contact with some of their old hunter friends. He talks to Jody every now and again, and has visited Garth once. He didn’t bring DJ, though. Maybe he’s a hypocrite, but he doesn’t want his son to play with little werewolves. Sam wants his son to stay as far from the hunting community as possible. He’s pretty sure Garth understands.
One day Sam will have to tell DJ the truth about what’s out there, though. While he doesn’t want him involved in the life, he still wants him to be prepared, should the supernatural find him. But Dean is only ten. Sam will have a few more years to figure out how to tell him. He is going to give his son a carefree childhood for as long as he can.
For now he carefully avoids all mentions of monsters when he tells his boy stories of his namesake. It’s not always easy to skip around those parts and do Dean’s heroism justice, but DJ thinks he has the coolest uncle in the whole world anyway. And Sam couldn’t agree more.
When DJ comes home from school with a black eye and a bleeding lip, Sam has already gotten a call from his teacher. Apparently his son had attacked and seriously injured two older boys, because they had called a girl from his class a slut. Sam prepares for a violence-isn’t-always-the-answer-lecture and asks him with a strict face why he hit those boys instead of telling a teacher. DJ answers in a defiant tone “It’s what uncle Dean would have done!” Sam’s heart almost bursts with pride and ache at the same time. How could he be angry with his son after that? The lecture is given half-heartedly, while Sam contemplates that WWDD is the very reason his son exists in the first place.
...
DJ is 15 when Sandra becomes ill. Brain tumor. Neither the radiation nor the operation work. Sam nurses her and cares for her in every way he can, but he doesn’t entertain any thought about supernatural interference. He could look for spells or maybe summon a demon and talk to Rowena, but where would that lead? Truth be told, a part of him wishes that he was the one with the tumor. That he would be allowed to die a natural death and be reunited with his brother at last. When he looks at his pale son though, as he is holding his mothers hands, Sam knows that he is still needed here. He’ll keep fighting, like Dean asked him to. Just not with supernatural powers. Not anymore.
Sam doesn't mourn Sandra’s death nearly as much as he did Dean’s. He feels guilty about that, as he holds his crying teenage son in his arms.
It’s not that he hadn’t loved her. She was a good, kind woman, and he loved her in his own way, as much as was possible for him. It’s just that nothing ever compares to the all encompassing love he has for his brother. Even the love he feels for his son doesn’t quite compare, if he’s being honest. But he rather avoids that thought.
...
The day after DJ’s sixteenth birthday Sam sits him down and tells him the truth about what’s out there. He tells him about ghosts and monsters, about John and Mary, tells him how he and his brother grew up in the hunting life and what a hero Uncle Dean really was.
DJ is more than sceptical; probably thinks his dad has lost a few screws. So Sam takes him to the garage and shows him the secret compartment in the boot of the impala. Then he takes DJ for a drive in Baby to visit an old friend.
That is how DJ finally meets Garth and his family. He recovers surprisingly fast from the little show of fangs Garth gives him. After that there’s a flood of questions and Sam is thankful for Garth’s support in answering them. He feels a bit nostalgic at that moment, as the Fitzgerald twins and his son sit on the couch next to each other: Sam, Dean and Castiel. He imagines all the jokes his brother would have cracked about that.
…
On the way home they drive through Kansas. Sam hasn’t been in the bunker for over 17 years. The memories threaten to overwhelm him, but he needs to show DJ. After all, he’s going to inherit the key one day. (And part of Sam wishes that the day would come sooner rather than later. He hates himself for that thought. He’s still needed here.)
Sam leaves DJ in the garage for a few minutes, where he’s enthusiastically inspecting all the old cars. In that moment DJ looks so much like his namesake that a sharp pain pierces Sam’s heart. So he strolls around the bunker alone for a while to get his emotions under control. But it doesn’t work out as planned, as he somehow ends up in Dean’s room and suddenly can’t breathe anymore. He breaks down crying, clutching the grey bathrobe Dean used to wear to his chest, slides down to the floor, back against Dean’s bed, and starts to sob uncontrollably. That’s how his son finds him a few minutes later. And maybe that is when DJ begins to understand the bond his dad and his uncle shared.
Sam gets a grip on himself. He has to. For DJ. He promises him they will come back some other time. That he will explain more of the supernatural world to him as he grows older. And that he will teach him some things, but all in due time.
It’s already nighttime, but Sam can’t stay in the bunker. Not tonight. So they gather their things and continue their drive home. They get some burgers at a drive-thru and stop in a field outside of town.
As they sit on the hood of Baby and gaze upon the stars, Sam tells DJ the supernatural secret he holds dearest. He tells him about souls and heaven and concludes “Your uncle and I are soulmates. Literal soulmates. And that is why our souls will spend eternity together.”
DJ takes it all in stride. He wants to know where mom's soul is now, and if he himself will go to heaven if he dies. Sam assures him that yes, he will and Sandra’s soul certainly is.
“But how can you be sure of that?” Dean questions.
“Well, you could say that God is kind of your brother. If he doesn’t make sure your soul ends up in heaven, he and I will have words!”
It becomes a long night with a lot of explaining after that.
Sam doesn’t tell DJ about hell and Rowena for now, though. He tries not to scare the kid. DJ only get’s the light, fun version of everything with his namesake starring as the cool hero in all the stories.
…
Sam often wondered how much his dad had known about Azazel’s plans for him, about heaven and hell and the demon blood. And Sam had often resented him for not passing the information on. Could Sam have changed the path of events, with Dean’s help, had they only known? Why did dad just tell Dean he might have to kill Sam, but not why? Wouldn’t it all have been easier, had they only known what they were up against?
But now Sam understands. He’s confronted with the decision of how much to tell his son. There’s so much evil in the world, Sam felt at times that he could drown in it. Can he possibly load all that horror on his son's shoulders? Knowledge is power, and it could save DJ’s life one day, should the evil come find him. But knowledge is also a terrible, terrible burden, that can pull you down like an anchor of lead fastened to your ankle in a sea of terrors.
It’s one thing to tell DJ about werewolves and vampires, ghosts and urban legends. But it’s a whole other world to talk about hell and Death, the Empty and Lucifer. Does DJ need to know about the cage? About eons old curses that began with Cain and Abel and ended with Sam and Dean? About the Darkness, the balance of the universe between light and dark and about countless other worlds that don’t exist any longer anyway?
What would Dean do? How much would he tell DJ?
…
Over the next few years Sam and his son visit the bunker once a year. Sam has decided that he won’t tell DJ everything, that he can’t put that burden on his son's shoulders. But he makes sure DJ knows where to find all the answers he could possibly need. He shows him the archives, explains the online system he has installed.
They have a lot of fun, too. They practise at the shooting range, and DJ loves the Dean cave. It fills Sam with joy and sadness at the same time, to see his son lounge in his brother’s la-z-boy.
…
On DJ’s eighteenth birthday Sam takes him to a tattoo artist. His brother probably would have done that years ago.
DJ wears his anti-possession tattoo with pride.
Sam gets D.W. tattooed next to his own, right over his heart. Should have done that years ago, too.
…
DJ leaves for college, and it gets real quiet in the house.
The sadness comes back in full force. Sam had been so busy the last twenty years, that it was easier to keep his longing for his brother in check. He had to. For Sandra, for his son.
But now, he just wants this life to be over. He wants to die. He wants to see Dean again.
Sam goes to the garage. He pulls the tarp off Baby and caresses her lovingly. It’s what Dean would have done. Then Sam just sits in the driver's seat and allows the tears to flow. He can’t stop them anymore. Maybe he could just ‘put her into drive and go’.
But he’d promised Dean. He’d promised to always keep fighting. Just how long is he supposed to fight? How long is he supposed to suffer the pain of loneliness? The pain of Dean-less-ness?
What would Dean do? Would Dean keep fighting?
Sam doesn’t know.
…
In the end Sam does keep fighting. But the next ten years of his life are the hardest years he’s had to live through, since Dean died.
Sam’s house feels so empty without his son. Sam’s life feels so empty without his brother.
DJ comes to visit for the holidays, and they talk on the phone often. After college he gets a job two towns over and moves there. He’s close enough now for a quick visit in the afternoon or a Sunday lunch. But Sam tries not to be clingy. He wants to give his son space. He wants him to build his own life. And DJ does. He finds a boyfriend, Keegan, that he loves and adores. It fills Sam with joy to see their relationship grow. He’s happy for them when they buy a house together. But that also means that the mutual visits become a bit less frequent. That Sam feels a bit more lonely. Yet, he wouldn’t want it any other way.
Sam spends a lot of time in his living room, looking at all the framed pictures that line the walls. At the pictures of him and his brother and their parents. The picture they took on that crazy day that brought their dad back for a few hours. One of the better things that happened in their unimaginable, often horrible lives. Sam misses those days. He’d take all of it, the good, the bad, if it only brought Dean back.
…
A few days after his 67th birthday, Sam gets a weird pain in his abdomen. There’s blood in his urine when he pees, and it burns like hell. Sam smiles and hopes. He won’t kill himself, but no one can blame him for dragging out the doctor's appointment just a little bit longer. In the end, he goes, though. And when the doctor tells him with sorrow in his eyes that Sam’s got stage two cancer, he clearly doesn’t understand why Sam sighs with relief and smiles.
It’s hard to tell his son. It’s even harder to explain to him that he won’t get any treatment, other than pain relief and palliative support once he gets too ill to get out of bed. To his surprise, though, DJ seems to understand. It’s Keegan that tries to make him change his mind. Says he has to fight it. But Sam just doesn’t have it in him to keep fighting any longer. Surely his brother would understand?
Let’s be real, Sam thinks. Dean would not only understand, he’d do the same. One last time he follows his mantra of WWDD.
…
Sam regrets leaving his son behind, but not nearly as much as he’s giddy with anticipation of seeing his brother again. He knows that DJ is in good hands, that he has a good partner in Keegan, and that makes it easier to go.
DJ confirms that when he tells him “It’s ok, Dad, you can go now.”
Those words bring him right back to that day in the barn.
With a sigh he closes his eyes.
His last thought is:
“It’s okay, Dean, I’m coming.”