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„So, cop, private security or russian mob?“
The guy sitting on the table next to Eames looks up startled.
„Sorry, what?“
Eames leans over. „I said, are you a cop, private security or do you belong to the russian mob. Cause, if it's the mob, I can assure you, I paid my dues for this month.“
The other man stares at him for a few seconds, trying to determine how serious Eames is.
Then he slowly answers. „I'm a detective with the NYPD, but how did you-“
Grinning, Eames says „Yeah, should've known, mob and private security aren't usually as well-dressed as you are. And for how I've known, well, I'm really good at guessing.“
He takes a sip of his tea. „And I saw your gun when you sat down.“
„Do you start all of your conversations this way?“ the guy asks.
Eames gives him his best flirtatious smile – there's no harm in trying after all. „Only the ones with incredibly attractive cops. I'm Eames. Do I get a name, or should I just call you beautiful?“
„No, thanks, you can just call me Arthur.“ He musters Eames for a moment. „So, will you tell me what you do? After all, you already know I'm a cop.“
A few seconds pass where Eames asks himself if Arthur is joking, but then he remembers he left his apron in the back of the shop, after Yusuf spilled some of the weird stuff he's experimenting with on it, so there's no way Arthur would know it's Eames' shop – well at least half of it it – if he hasn't been here before. And he would've definitely remembered him.
So instead of just telling the guy, he grins and says „Nope, can't do. I guessed yours, so you gotta guess mine. Sorry, I don't make the rules. But you're a cop, so this should be easy for you, right?“
Arthur narrows his eyes and looks him up and down. „Well. You're definitely not working in a bank. You don't look serious enough for that. Also definitely nothing that has anything to do with fashion or colors. This shirt is a monstrosity. Hmmm. Are you working in the IT somewhere?“
Eames shakes his head. „No, not even close. Try again.“
Stirring his coffee, Arthur scowls. „Do you sell stuff to people at the door? Like magazines or vacuum cleaners?“
„Really? Do I look like a sales rep? I didn't think I'd look that boring.“
„Mailman?“
Eames snorts. „Seriously? I'm no mailman. You're not very good at this, are you?“
Arthur opens his mouth for an answer when his phone rings and he mouths a „Sorry“ in Eames direction before he gathers his papers and leaves.
Eames looks after him - how couldn't he with that ass - and wonders if Arthur will return to finish their little game.
*************
It takes Arthur two weeks to come back to the coffee-shop.
It's the same time and Eames is on his break again and he totally hasn't been waiting for the past two weeks, hoping the other man would come back.
After Arthur has ordered, he sits down across from Eames with a triumphant smile.
„I've figured it out. You're an author, right? That's what authors do, right? Because you can write everywhere.“
And he sounds so proud that Eames almost doesn't have the heart to tell him he's wrong.
„Wouldn't I need a laptop for that? Or a pen and a notebook? Or like anything I could write with?“
Arthur contemplates that for a moment before he says „So I guess, that rules out journalist too. Maybe mechanic?“
Eames gapes at him. „How did you get from author to mechanic? But no, also wrong.“
After that it becomes a routine for them.
*************
„Are you a musician? In a band or something like that?“
„I don't play any kind of instrument, darling, but I could totally rock your world if you'd let me.“ Eames winks at him.
Arthur does this thing where one corner of his mouth quirks up as if he wants to smile, but won't really and says „Oh, I bet you say that to all the strangers who try to guess your job, Mr. Eames.“
He hesitates for a moment. „You're no drug dealer, right? Because if you were, I'd have to arrest you.“
Eames leers at him. „Handcuffs. Kinky, pet, but you should at least buy me dinner first.“ The tips of Arthur's ears go a bit red at that. „But no. Don't you think that would be a bit conspicuous? Selling drugs, at lunch time, while sitting right in front of the windows?“
„Yes, if you say it like that, it sounds kinda silly.“ Arthur takes a look at his watch and quickly stands up. „Sorry, break's nearly over.“
He nods at Yusuf behind the counter and turns to leave, but looks back over his shoulder once to say "I'll get it right, you'll see." before he leaves the coffee shop.
*************
„Mal, I need your help.“
She puts away her pen and leans back in her office chair. „You know, you can always count on me. What can I do for you?“
For a few seconds her phone is silent and Mal wonders if he's still there, but then Arthur says hesitantly: „Just tell me a few random jobs. I swear, I'll explain it to you when we see each other the next time.“
Mal has long since learned not to be surprised by anything. After all she's been married to Dom for nearly ten years now. So she just thinks for a moment then answers „Model, surgeon, gardener, teacher.“
Arthur sounds relieved when he says „Yeah, these could work, thanks a lot, Mal, I owe you one.“
When he ends the call, she looks at her phone for a moment. There's definitely a story behind this, and she bets it's a good one.
*************
„Archaeologist?“
Arthur thanks Ariadne, when she puts a sandwich and a steaming cup of coffee in front of him.
Eames just looks at him disbelieving. „You're getting desperate, aren't you? How the hell did you think of that?“
„Uhm, I may have watched Indiana Jones yesterday evening and...“
He doesn't get to finish his sentence because Eames starts laughing loudly.
It takes him nearly two minutes until he's breathing evenly again and Arthur starts to look slightly offended.
„I have you know, I'd totally rock that hat Indie's wearing and I'm sure I'd think of a few interesting things to do with the whip, but no, not even close.“
Later that day Ariadne starts a list on the board next to the „Today's specials“ section.
*************
„I met a guy.“
Mal claps her hands in delight. „Oh, that's wonderful, Arthur.“
He continues. „I met him in a coffee-shop. And I know that's really cliché.“ He pauses, but she motions for him to continue. In her opinion, Arthur has been alone far too long.
„And he immediately guessed I'm a cop and that kind of... sparked a game. He won't tell me what he does, I have to guess it.“
„So, that's why you've been calling me at random intervals over the past three weeks, asking me for random professions. And, what does he do?“
The younger man buries his head in his hands. „That's the problem. I don't know.“
Mal pats his head. „Don't worry. Just tell me what you know about him and we'll try to come up with something together, alright?“
After a description of the man and a summary of what Arthur learned in his talks with the man so far, she asks him, if Eames may be an athlete. Arthurs whole face lights up at the suggestion. „That's probably it, Mal. I can really see him as a boxer, you know.“
Later she sends him on his way with the promise of helping him, if their guess doesn't turn out to be correct under the condition that she gets to meet Eames.
*************
„Hmmm. Corrupt politician?“
Eames pouts at that. „Do you really think me capable of being corrupt?“
Raising one eyebrow, Arthur shrugs. „Come on, Eames, you never have to pay for anything you eat or drink here.“
For a moment, Eames thinks Arthur has figured the whole thing out now. To be fair, it's pretty obvious and he's been waiting for the other man to finally get it. He's a cop, and not a bad one at that, after all.
But then Arthur leans back and scowls.
„So, that's a no for politics. Slowly but surely I'm running out of ideas, you know. Will you ever tell me what your actual job is?“
Eames grins. „I could, but then you'd have no reason to keep coming back...“
And there's a bit more truth in there than he'd like it to be, because that's what this is in the end. As long as Arthur doesn't know, he shows up once or twice a week during Eames' break, makes a few increasingly ridiculous guesses and rolls his eyes when Eames flirts with him. Well at least he tries to. But sometimes, if Eames is lucky, Arthur smiles just the tiniest bit. Which makes Eames stomach do funny things. And god, when did his life become a Nicholas Sparks novel.
*************
Arthur keeps his word and takes her to the coffee shop. He introduces her to Eames, who is charming and humorous and she can see why Arthur is so taken with him.
It also only took her one look at the way Eames looks around in the coffee shop, paying attention to the customers, how he always keeps an eye on the counter and how he talks to the employees and she immediately knows he is the owner. Even if he's not wearing a uniform or a name tag, it's still kind of obvious.
She orders a tea and then points to the board. „You have made a list of his guesses?“
The girl behind the counter grins at her. „Of course. It's to amusing not to. My personal favorites are professional gambler and rich heir to some unknown english lord.“ She quickly looks behind Mal, to see if the two men are listening before lowering her voice and asking „You want to get in on the betting pot? Just tell Yusuf -“ She nods at the other employee behind the counter who's currently restocking the sandwiches. „- when you think they'll get their shit together. He keeps the books.“
Mal considers for a moment, then she waves Yusuf over. „20 dollars. I say it'll happen in three weeks.“
When she returns to the two men she's still thinking about how she could subtly nudge Arthur in the right direction.
*************
Normally Mal isn't one for self-praise, but her plan is simply brilliant. Her suggestions to Arthur become more and more ridiculous and Arthur will realize how dumb he's being and will come to the right conclusion, she's sure of it. Dom still doesn't get why she doesn't just tell Arthur about Eames' occupation.
So, the next evening, when Arthur asks for her opinion, she tells him completely serious: „Now that I met him, I definitely know what's going on. He has a british accent. He doesn't want to tell you if Eames is his first or last name. He doesn't seem to have anything to do during the day. He looks like he could hold his own during a fight. He's clearly a spy. You know, for the MI6.“
Arthur stares at her for a moment, his mouth open and she expects to basically see the lightbulb lighting up over his head.
Instead Arthur calmly nods and says „Thanks so much Mal, I'd have never thought of that. And it makes so much sense.“
Mal wants to gently hit him over the head. Because it really really doesn't.
*************
„Gigolo?“
Eames actually spits out his mouthful of tea when Arthur asks him this time. Ariadne helpfully throws him a dish towel from behind the counter while Yusuf tries to play his laughing of as coughing.
„How – no, no I changed my mind. I don't even want to know.“ Eames exclaims, while Arthur's face turns steadily redder with every second.
*************
A week and several guesses – including astronaut („Of course Mal, he's between space missions and because he's working for the government he can't tell me directly and I have to guess.“), fortune teller („So, that's why he's so good at reading people.“) and hitman („Do you think he's in the coffee shop, because he's been checking out a mark? Oh god, Mal, what if I have to arrest him.“) - later, Arthur stumbles into Mal's office during lunch break, visibly excited.
„Mal, I can't believe it took me so long, I was so dumb. I went to the shop today and it was closed because of water damage. And through the window I saw Eames in there, with a toolbox.“
Before she can sigh in relief, because honestly, it took him long enough, he barrels on.
„I should've realized it sooner. Obviously he's a plumber.“
Mal doesn't hit her head on her table. She also doesn't hit Arthur. But it's a close thing.
*************
„Am I a WHAT?“
„I get it, you're not an art thief and forger on the run from Interpol.“ When he thinks about it, this one was quite far-fetched.
Eames simply stares at Arthur for a minute before he gives him a shit-eating grin. „This is the third time you asked me if I'm a criminal. I'm beginning to think you simply want to get me in your handcuffs, darling.“
Arthur absolutely refuses to think about the images this puts in his head and instead looks over Eames' shoulder at the infamous list. His guesses have really been getting more and more absurd. Looking back to Eames he sees him gesturing at Yusuf and it hits him like a freight-train. Suddenly everything makes sense. The way Eames got offended when Arthur made fun of the shop's name („Seriously, who names a coffee shop 'Dream Tea(m)'?“). Why he was never in a hurry to leave. Everything.
He glares at Eames and he knows he's raising his voice too loud, but he finds that he doesn't care. „You bastard! You work here. You probably own the place.“
He sees Aridane giving Yusuf a few bills while making a face.
„You knew. Oh god, you all knew what an idiot I was making out of myself. You've probably been joking about the clueless cop who didn't even realize what was directly in front of him for months.“
He buries his head in his hands. Mal knew too. She had to. Everyone knew. Everyone but him. He's been embarrassing himself for months.
„It was pretty endearing actually, though some of your guesses were really odd.“
Arthur groans. „You could've stopped me sometime around undertaker though.“
„Yeah, I could have, but it's as I said. As long as you kept guessing, you kept coming back. Couldn't risk that, could I?“
Arthur looks up slowly. „Maybe I'd have kept coming back here anyways.“
The smile Eames gives him is brilliant. „Is that so? Well, now that you know I'm a respectable business man and not a criminal on the run, what do you say, darling? Dinner and maybe afterwards we can find a use for these handcuffs of yours?“
Grinning he answers „I'm not that easy, Eames, I don't put out till the third date.“ before he grabs Eames by his shoulders and pulls him in for a kiss. He can feel him smiling against his lips, before one hand rests at his hip and the other one at his shoulder to pull him even closer. When Eames coaxes his lips open with his tongue, Arthur thinks he hears people applauding, but he can't find it in him to care.