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When Rindou was a small child, he often fell victim to the bullying of older children because he wasn’t very tall and had a slim build. If it hadn’t been for his brother Ran, who was physically stronger and more courageous than him, he might have become the personal slave of some bully with no consideration for others. To tell the truth, Rindou always had a strong sense of duty as a child. Unlike Ran, who always left everything in a mess, he was the one who did the cleaning in their mother's absence, as well as the shopping and cooking, because when Ran did that they ended up eating ready-made food.
One late afternoon on an autumn weekend, Rindou sat hiding inside a merry-go-round in the playground, his knees clutched to his chest as he listened to the voices of the older children discussing among themselves how to torment their next victim. The little boy didn't dare move from there and the fact that it was late tormented him even more because Ran was probably waiting for him at home. It was rare to see them separated and Rindou felt really incomplete in situations like that, which is why he preferred to stay hidden there until the group had moved away.
That nerve-wracking wait was interrupted by the face of a little girl who emerged from the passageway of the merry-go-round, instinctively Rindou jumped backwards, flattening his back against the wall, but the little girl brought her index finger to her mouth, signalling him to not speak. Rindou instinctively nodded and his gaze fell on the sides of the little girl's mouth and her small, round lips.
The girl crawled over and sat down next to the other boy. They remained silent for a few minutes, Rindou looking out of the corner of his eye at the girl's profile: pale skin like Snow White, pale pink hair short at the back and longer at the front and long pale eyelashes. He had never seen anyone like her before and felt a slight warmth in his cheeks as the object of his attention met his amethyst-coloured eyes.
"Sometimes hiding isn't so wrong, you can always get revenge later. When you're more confident."
To Rindou's surprise a male voice came out of the child's mouth, he felt embarrassed realising that he had had a momentary crush on a child. Impulsively he averted his gaze, nodding slowly as the child remained silent at his side for no particular reason. The real problem was that this innocent attraction didn’t diminish even in the next few moments they spent together; as when the bullies left the park they could go outside and the boy greeted him, showing his back. He was the first person to treat him as his equal, just like Ran did, but in a different way than his brother did.
With the passing of time, Rindou came to terms with the fact that he would never see the child again. Perhaps he had simply been a fantasy, an imaginary friend created by his state of perpetual loneliness interrupted only by Ran's company. Nevertheless, Rindou kept the words the other boy had spoken to him in his memory and treasured them.
***
During the early years of his adolescence he purposely became stronger, training to gain muscle mass and began to fight, helping his brother in his own battles which also became his battles.
Their father disappeared since they were little, their mother was always at work or at her new partner, but even during the rare moments they spent together she didn't seem to be aware of the path her children had taken. Or perhaps she simply pretended not to see.
Rindou personally didn't mind, he only cared about being treated as an equal by Ran, which finally happened even though his older brother had a distinct charisma compared to him, which he could probably never overcome. But in truth that never really bothered him, he loved Ran and was happy as he was.
He stopped going to school a year ago, not because he wasn't smart, his grades were excellent, he just spent most nights out fighting with the same people who had persecuted him as a child, pouring out all his frustration. At last he was being respected, he could get his long-awaited revenge.
One night during a battle against a group that wandered into their territory, Rindou caught a glimpse of a familiar face, or at least, there was something different about him, but he was sure it was that boy. He would never forget those blue eyes and those lips, now scarred by two scars running down the sides of his mouth. He found him fascinating once again, despite that detail.
"Rindou we need to leave before the cops come."
Ran's voice brought him back to the present, at the same time he saw the boy disappear from his view and as much as he would have liked to follow him, he knew he couldn’t risk his brother's life on his own personal whim.
Almost as if an invisible thread was binding them together, Rindou finally had a real chance to talk to that mysterious boy again at the end of the clash between Valhalla and Tokyo Manji Gang. He recognised him even though he was wearing a mask and his hair was longer, but he would have recognised him in a thousand. The battle ended in the worst possible way, but for the Haitani brothers who were there as observers, it made no particular difference. When they had to beat a retreat, Rindou bid Ran a momentary farewell and told him he would contact him shortly, following the long-haired boy with his eyes, if he didn't stop him now he would probably see him again in a very long time.
For some reason unknown to him, the other boy anticipated Rindo: he seemed to be able to catch him off guard. He hadn't expected the other boy to remember him after all this time, perhaps it was his fame that preceded him, but the boy showed a slightly surprised expression when he met the younger Haitani's amethyst-coloured eyes.
"Do we know each other?"
Rindou was invaded by a feeling of disappointment at that question, as was to be expected although he had become something of a celebrity in the delinquent world, the other boy didn't recognise him for the reason he would have wanted to be recognised. Then, after staring at him for a few seconds, an expression lit up his face.
"You finally managed to become stronger, Haitani Rindou."
He was taken aback by the statement; it only took an exchange of glances for them to understand each other, and as much as Rindo had hoped for this until the end, he tried to mask his relief behind a serious expression.
"You never told me your name."
Finally managing to address him, he could make out a smile under his mask to which he replied with a hopeful expression.
"Sanzu Haruchiyo."
He decided not to object to the strangeness of the name, as if it didn't sound real, almost a fictitious name. Perhaps he was simply teasing him, but when one of his subordinates addressed him as "Sanzu" and the boy in question replied that he would join him later, he realised that he could probably trust his words. At least for the time being.
"So you're part of the Tokyo Manji Gang."
Honestly, he had been surprised by that discovery, during their first meeting they had been completely different people, two skinny, fearful and silent children. Now they were totally different, yet for some unknown reason they both remembered each other. Almost as if that encounter years before meant something.
"And you're famous, who would have thought?"
He replied with a smug expression, Rindou couldn't help but notice how Sanzu's long eyelashes framed his clear eyes, sharp as blades. He swallowed, and without thinking about how bold the move might be, he reached out his arm towards the other boy's face. Sanzu grabbed him by the wrist, preventing that touch, an irritated expression on his face.
"You might regret this."
Rindou trembled at the contact with the other's hand, he could feel his fingers gripping his wrist tightly, cold but a firm grip. He looked into his eyes and knew something was wrong with him as the desire to be squeezed harder took over, intoxicating his brain like never before.
It would have been too strange to tell Sanzu that his face had been imprinted on the retinas of his eyes for all those years, as his scent, the warmth he had given him simply by his closeness. And his voice, at the time a voice of indefinite tones, masculine, yet capable of rendering any other sound empty of meaning.
"Hey, are you listening to me? You're really weird ."
That same voice tore him from his thoughts with unprecedented violence, as did the other boy's hand that forced him to submit to that painful grip, to which he didn’t immediately respond, finding himself pressed with one cheek against the concrete wall.
"You have nice eyes, but I don't like your look. We're not allies, so don't you dare look at me like that again."
Having said that, he yanked him, finally setting him free. Rindou let out the sigh he had been holding back until then, panting as the taller boy turned the corner and disappeared from his sight.
Later he returned to the flat he shared with Ran who was waiting for him lying on the sofa, his expression worried as he had literally disappeared for hours.
"I was starting to worry, if you want there's pizza to heat up in the microwave."
He said looking at him out of the corner of his eye as Rindou slipped off his shoes, there was something strange about him, as if something had happened in the time between escaping the battle and returning. Rindou nodded and took his leave, excusing himself by saying he preferred to take a shower first and disappeared behind the bathroom door a few moments later.
Once he was out of sight of his older brother, Rindou hastily shed his clothes, which he left on the floor, placed his glasses next to the bathroom mirror, and once under the shower, he let out a sigh that was deeper than necessary.
He ran a hand through his hair, pulling it back, and finally found the courage to look at his own wrist again, noting that there were still marks from the scuffle he'd had earlier with Sanzu. He would have liked to forget, but everything, starting with his body, reminded him of that touch.
"Fuck..."
He pleaded, squinting his eyes, leaning against the shower wall as he ran one hand down his lower abdomen and down between his legs. He felt so frustrated and that feeling had turned into excitement that he had to satisfy by himself. He moaned softly, bringing his free hand to his mouth, rhythmically thrusting his hips forward to create a friction with his hand. When he came he cursed himself for thinking of silky pale pink hair, clear eyes, long eyelashes and manly, well-groomed hands. And how he longed for those hands on his body, it didn't matter if in an attempt to give him pleasure or pain, the important thing was to feel them.
***
Ran was usually not intrusive when it came to their personal problems, although they shared whatever concerns they had, in the end they remained two separate human beings. Sometimes what may have seemed simple to Ran was an insurmountable obstacle to Rindou, while what may have been trivial to Rindou was important to Ran.
This time the younger brother didn't have the courage to open up to his older brother, it was a rare occurrence, but Rindou had never been faced with something like this before, which was why he had thought long and hard before deciding to mention his current state of mind to his brother.
"Big brother, may I talk to you?"
Ran was sitting on the couch watching an action drama when Rindou sat down beside him, his expression cautious as if he were going to approach an aggressive animal, nonsensical comparison when it came to Ran in his own regard. The eldest of the Haitans nodded slowly, reaching out to grab the remote and turn off the television so he could give Rindou his full attention.
The blond boy wasn't wearing glasses that night, and without them he looked even younger than usual, not to mention that his stressed expression seemed even more pronounced than usual.
"What's this about?"
Rindou brought a hand to the back of his neck, in a clear gesture of nervousness that didn't belong to him at all; he felt like a fool because he was practically certain that Ran would never judge him, but it was precisely the fact that he had to reveal something private and hitherto hidden out loud that frightened him more than anything else.
"I think there's something wrong with me... I mean… I'm not attracted to girls, or at least, not even physically... I can't get any reaction at all."
He murmured slowly, unsure of how to express what he really felt, starting from the roots of that discourse. He watched as Ran's lips parted into a surprised expression, then curved into a smile. Rindou interpreted it as encouragement to continue, so he decided to keep talking.
"To tell you the truth, I don't know what I'm attracted to. I do know I'm attracted to someone, though, and it's a boy."
He tried to be direct, by making that confession without taking his eyes off his brother's twin ones, but even so, he couldn't control his body, particularly the red colour that spread from his face to the tips of his ears.
" Who? "
"I can't tell you, at least for now."
He could clearly read disappointment on Ran's face, not due to his confession but to the fact that he didn’t want to tell him the name of the person in question. Ran looked at him sighing dramatically, leaning his head against the back of the sofa, watching him out of the corner of his eye.
"Listen Rindou, I don't care if you like boys or girls. We didn't have a normal childhood and little by little I saw you smile less and less... So as long as you have a reason to smile, I'll support you."
The younger brother replied to that answer with a slight smile, reflecting on Ran's words he suddenly felt bewildered because the emotions he was feeling were still so immature that he didn't understand if it would actually become a reason to smile. However, at least for the moment, he felt lighter.
***
In a moment of mental unsteadiness, he had almost thought of putting a stop to it and forgetting those feelings, but everything changed dramatically when he found himself at the Shibuya underground station late at night without even doing it on purpose. He felt foolish for thinking that he might actually meet Sanzu, but since he needed to clear his head, he decided to wander aimlessly through the neighborhood bathed in lights and noise. He noticed the glances of some passers-by, who probably recognised him even though he was not in the company of his brother, which made him feel a sense of pride because it meant he wasn’t only known and feared in his own territory, Roppongi.
His wanderings ended up near a park not far from an overpass leading out of the more noisy area, he stopped to get something to drink at a vending machine and wrinkled his nose when he smelled the unmistakable smell of joint. Personally, he had never smoked, but he knew the smell well because Ran sometimes smoked, as did some of his friends. The smell had always bothered him and the thought of losing control always frightened him, which is why he had always categorically refused even to try a shot. Then suddenly he heard a laugh and a familiar voice moaning and was overcome with embarrassment at the thought of what was happening, although he was still totally inexperienced, he wasn’t totally unaware.
He swallowed and moved forward into the park, hiding behind the cover of a tree, and out of the corner of his eye tried to catch a glimpse of what was going on: a taller figure was holding a joint in his fingers, while his other hand was holding the hip of the thinner person under him who was leaning forward, his upper body lowered onto a small table. The man pushed himself against the other person as if it were an object, drawing moans from him that mingled with small screams every time he hit him in a particular spot.
"Damn, you're so loose. Do you get fucked by Mucho too? Eh, Sanzu?"
Rindou held his breath, clenching his fists so tightly that he dug his nails into the palms of his hands. He had no reason to feel that way, but he could clearly make out the adrenaline in his blood boiling in his veins and before he could even realise it he was out of hiding and heading for the man. The latter was so intoxicated by drugs and sex that he didn’t even notice the boy's approach and it was only when he grabbed him by the shoulder, forcing him to turn around, that he could see his expression change to anger. But the fight didn’t last long, as Rindou hit the man so many times that his face was destroyed and he became unconscious. He only realised what he had done several minutes later, when the smell of blood on his hands began to go to his head and his eyes wandered in search of Sanzu, who in the meantime had risen wobbly on his own legs, fastening his trousers.
His gaze was so charming even though clearly intoxicated by the drug, he turned an amused expression to the other, as if expecting his presence there. Rindou wiped his hands on the shirt of the man on the ground, standing up again to meet the other's cold eyes, finding them wonderful even in that state.
"You really are a freak, Haitani. But I owe you one, he sucked."
Rindou looked at him with a worried expression, noticing the scratches and marks on his neck hidden by the collar of the leather jacket he was wearing. He didn't know whether to call them signs of violence, but inside he felt a sense of anger and disgust that he couldn't voice. He watched as the other man sat down on the table where he had just been bent over and was particularly surprised when he motioned for Rindou to sit beside him. The older boy obeyed, without asking himself too many questions and without even asking Sanzu as he answered him.
"I don't have any money to pay for his weed, he's always had a soft spot for me, so... You get the idea, right?”
He told it like it was something normal, pulling out some rolling papers from his pocket and a small container containing weed. Rindou watched him intently as he began to roll a joint, his gestures confident as he handled the paper. He followed the movement of his tongue as he licked the rubbery edges, feeling a rush of embarrassment as Sanzu looked up and their eyes met. He looked away immediately and shortly after heard the sound of a lighter, a flame, an inhale, silence and finally an exhale.
"Do you want to take a toke? You're too tense for my liking."
The older boy's gaze fell on the joint that the other man handed him and only later he noticed the mask had come down. At last he could see his whole face and he couldn't help but feel an indescribable sensation when he saw those scarred lips curving into an amused smile.
"I don't smoke."
And even if it wasn't the best situation to lose control, not right in front of him. Sanzu replied by clicking his tongue, taking another hit as he moved slightly in Rindou's direction so that their shoulders collided.
"You're boring ."
Rindou clenched his fists on his knees, if only Sanzu had known what had been going through his head for the past few months, he probably wouldn't have provoked him like that. But then again, Sanzu couldn't know how to read his mind, so that secret would go with him to the grave, unless....
"Okay, just one hit."
Before he knew it he had complied with the other boy's request, taking the joint from Sanzu’s fingers and bringing it to his lips. He coughed as the smoke reached the back of his throat, eliciting an amused laugh from the other boy, clearly amused by his poor performance.
" You suck . You don't have to puff so hard, it's to relax, not choke to death."
His voice was incredibly rough, Rindou couldn't remember ever hearing him talk like that. He watched as Sanzu took the joint from his hands, brought it back to his lips and took a sample drag, proposing that he replicate it. The second attempt went better than expected and so did the next ones. Soon the events of that evening took on a dreamlike quality, as did all the tension that had built up over the past few months. He stood staring at the moths dancing around the lamppost for a few moments and instinctively felt as small and insignificant as they were while doing idiotic things solely to get the attention of the person he had been following for so long without being reciprocated.
"Hey Haitani, why are you here?"
Sanzu's voice broke the silence and the blond boy looked at him with a confused expression, as if he had forgotten the real reason why he had come all the way to Shibuya. There was no real explanation, in that state his mind was only shot through with confused thoughts but then again he was already acting like a fool so it couldn't have gone any worse.
"I could also explain why, but I'm afraid we're both in bad enough shape that we'll have forgotten tomorrow."
He mumbled, arousing Sanzu's amusement as he took the joint from his fingers, bringing it to his lips for yet another drag. Rindou watched him with enchanted eyes, as if he had lost all willpower and was totally dependent on him.
"Try it."
The provocation went straight to his pride and Rindou decided to seize it, convinced that he had already given his worst for the evening. He moistened his lips with his tongue, realising how dry they were, regretting that he hadn’t taken a drink before.
He felt lighter than ever, even euphoric at times, and the fact that he could make a fool of himself in front of Sanzu didn't seem to be a problem at the moment.
"I think I'm fucking gay. And I have a fucking crush on a bastard who barely knows I exist. The real problem is that this person has been haunting my dreams forever, but we can't hang out because we're like, you know, enemies."
He heard a faint laugh break out, and Rindou could barely keep back the tears of frustration that threatened to spill from the corners of his eyes. He wondered if the other had realised he was talking about him of all people, but to be honest he didn't really care, after all they were both too high to think about it.
"That sounds painful."
Sanzu's comment hit him like a bucket of cold water, he turned slowly to see his expression and his eyes spoke for themselves. He seemed sympathetic, but at the same time interested in that discourse and despite the haze of smoke, it was clear that he was listening.
"Would you like to forget this pain?"
There was no trace of promise in his tone of voice, it was clearly a proposal but Rindou wasn't ready to believe something like that, not from someone like Sanzu. He looked back at the pink-haired boy, feeling his eyelids heavy and a slight buzzing in his head, realising how hard he had fought so far to stay sober. He could clearly distinguish the beat of his own heart, more agitated than usual. He stood still, feeling a longing rush from his heart, shaking it inside. One of Sanzu's hands went up to his neck, slightly moving the strands of hair that were falling on it, making him feel a shiver. He instinctively squinted his eyes, letting out a sigh as he felt Sanzu's lips settle on the skin towards his ear and moaned softly as he felt one of his hands brush his face, then drop to his shoulders, forcing him to turn until they were facing each other.
"Stop fucking with me."
Rindou muttered with a sigh, suddenly remembering how to breathe, Sanzu replied with an amused laugh, watching him run a hand through his hair in frustration.
"Hey, give me your phone."
It was not a request, but clearly an order. The blond boy hesitantly reached into the pocket of his jeans, pulled out his phone and handed it to Sanzu. He watched as he typed something and when he realised it was a phone number - most likely his own - he stared at it in amazement. When Sanzu handed the phone back to him he took it in his hands as if it were incandescent, unsure of what to say or how to act. It was definitely the strangest and most absurd evening of his life.
Sanzu got off the table with a little hop, putting the mask back on his face as he sank both hands into his jacket pocket, showing him his shoulders.
***
It wasn't the first time the Haitans had spent time in prison, actually they had spent several months in juvenile detention and history repeated itself after Tenjiku's defeat. Rindou hadn't experienced the situation with much enthusiasm, as having Sanzu in his own group left him disoriented and no matter how hard he tried to prove himself as Ran's equal, he let his emotions get the best of him and his brazenness cost him a defeat.
At first he thought that the time in prison might help him bury his feelings and concentrate on his own strength and his family - Ran - but one day he was called by a guard who told him he had visitors. Rindou was surprised for two main reasons: whoever the visitor was had asked exclusively for him and not Ran, and it was strange that someone would want to see him considering that the Haitani brothers based their relationship on having no ties, considering their own exclusive.
His astonishment increased when beyond the glass of the visiting room he saw none other than Sanzu. The boy wore civilian clothes and had his hair tied back in a ponytail, his face wearing the usual black mask. Rindou placed both hands against the glass, feeling his uncertainties vanish as he met the other boy's eyes.
"What are you doing here?"
The question arose in his mind and Sanzu arched an eyebrow, pretending to be offended.
"If you prefer I'll leave, you ungrateful fuck."
He replied, crossing his arms over his chest, but Rindou shook his head, anticipating any action on the other's part; it would have been strange of him to admit it, perhaps even absurd, but he felt a positive feeling at the thought of seeing Sanzu, however unexpected it actually was to see him in such a situation.
"I just didn't expect to see you here."
Despite the glass separating them, he felt the other's gaze scrutinise him and felt disappointment at the barrier separating them, something he had never imagined possible. He had never had any expectations of Sanzu, let alone that he would be the one to seek him out, which was why he hadn't been able to have a reaction that showed his true feelings.
"How long do you have to stay here?"
He didn’t expect this question and had to think for a few moments before answering. The truth was that it wasn't long before he was released from prison, after all he had always behaved well, but on the other hand giving Sanzu the correct information was like indirectly stating that he might see him again soon.
"Why do you ask? Do you miss me?"
Sanzu clicked his tongue, in turn placing his hand on the glass in correspondence with Rindou, who felt an unfamiliar sensation at that gesture. On the other hand, he knew he had put himself in danger, he should have been more careful when it came to Sanzu.
"Asshole. Don't let it go to your head, I just wanted to know when I can come and smash your face in."
As was to be expected, the pink-haired boy wasn’t taken aback and only for a few moments did Rindou allow himself to flash an amused smile, which was immediately replaced by a more submissive expression, almost as if he was seriously considering opening up more to the other.
"I should be able to get out in a couple of months."
He finally chose the path of truth and with those words he could clearly see a smile appear through Sanzu's gaze. It was the first time he had seen such a sincere expression on his face and he couldn't help but look away, knowing that if he continued to stare at him for much longer, it would be the end of him.
"Text me when you get out, I think you'll need somewhere to stay, don't you?"
It might have sounded like good news, but not in this situation.
***
The day he was released from prison was quite debilitating for Rindou because the thought of being separated from Ran, even for a few days, was inconceivable to him. He couldn't go back to the flat where he had previously resided with Ran, so he would have to start his search for a decent but not too expensive flat again, considering he didn't have much money at the moment.
Instinctively his thoughts went back to the meeting with Sanzu a few months earlier and his words. He picked up the phone and stared at its number in silence, uncertain what to do.
Perhaps it wouldn't have been so bad to take advantage of his proposal while looking for a flat for him and Ran? Trying to put contradictory thoughts aside, he began to compose the message before he could change his mind and forwarded it almost immediately, without having the material time to reflect.
[I was released today. Could you take me in until I find a place?]
Pathetic, he definitely felt at that juncture. He waited a few moments until an answer arrived , it was more direct than coincidental: the link to the map with directions to his flat. Rindou huffed, not hiding a slight smile on his lips, and shortly afterwards found himself on the train heading for Shibuya. The address on the map took him to a very ill-famed residential area and he began to wonder whether the other had not been pulling his leg with those indications, especially when it wasn't Sanzu who opened the flat door but a girl who must have been about his age, dark hair and a cigarette between her lips.
Instinctively Rindou checked the address on the map and when he realised it matched the one where he was, he turned a cautious expression to the girl who stared at him leaning against the doorframe.
"Is Sanzu home?"
He asked quietly, receiving a look from the other side to the bottom from the girl who bent down to put on her shoes, like she was about to leave.
"Haruchiyo? He passed out a few minutes ago, he's so stoned he couldn't keep his eyes open. Have fun !"
She replied lightly, stepping past Rindou and disappearing beyond the corner of the small corridor that connected the flat to the main staircase of the residential district. The blond-haired boy stood still for a few moments, undecided what to do, but he was there now so it was worth going in. He went through the front door, closing it behind him, took off both shoes and walked down the small corridor leading to the one-room apartment. Immediately he recognised a small kitchen furnished with the bare minimum, some dishes and glasses still to be washed lay in the sink from the night before. He continued to the other room and found himself in a small bedroom where he finally found Sanzu half-naked asleep on a futon in the middle of the room.
There was nothing in the furnishings that led to Sanzu, or at least nothing he knew of the other: a poster of a band he didn't know, the poster of a foreign film 'Requiem for a Dream' , the open chest of drawers and on the floor a packet of condoms - one of which was used - and a bra probably forgotten by the girl he had glimpsed earlier. Near the futon where Sanzu was sleeping there were remains of heroin, probably also other substances but Rindou couldn’t identify them.
"Hey Sanzu, wake up, idiot."
He called him in a tone not so convinced, without receiving an answer from the other who continued to sleep undaunted, so he gave him a kick - contrary to his words, definitely more convinced - and finally the other hinted to wake up, emitting an annoyed grunt.
"That hurt, dickhead ."
He murmured, sitting up very slowly, grimacing in pain probably due to the blow Rindou had inflicted along with the after-effects of what he had taken earlier. Taking a closer look at him, Rindou could see lipstick marks on his neck and scratches, at that sight his thoughts once again went to the girl he had glimpsed earlier.
"It's not my fault, I warned you before I hit you... But you didn't answer me."
Rindou justified himself with an indifferent expression, bending down on his knees to be on the same level as the other boy who blindly grabbed the shirt lying on the ground and put it on. Rindou opted not to investigate who that girl was or what she had done with Sanzu, after all, it was none of his business, but he couldn't deny that he felt a strange sensation if he dwelt too long on that thought.
"Congratulations on your release."
The younger man congratulates, giving him a smile, an expression he had never seen on his face before and which left him bewildered for a few moments, until Sanzu stretched his arms around his neck, forcing him to look him directly in the eyes and although that gesture was gentler than expected, Rindou didn’t object or even try to escape his grasp.
"And welcome to my humble abode . Also, sorry I forgot to do the shopping though, but if you want you can order something."
Judging by his appearance Sanzu hadn't eaten in a few days, let alone given any thought to basic necessities; Rindou wrinkled his nose as he felt his breath blow across his own face and placed both hands on his chest to push him away from himself, not hiding a slight disgust.
"You smell like shit. Go take a shower right now, I'll take care of dinner."
Sanzu chuckled, stepping aside to carry out what sounded more like an order than a proposal, acknowledging the fact that Rindou was right.
Later, when he returned from the shower, he caught a glimpse of the older boy bustling around the kitchen cooker and instinctively felt a range of emotions he'd never felt before, chief among them a warmth in his chest area.
"Can you cook Haitani? You're full of surprises."
He openly mocked him, avoiding the fork that Rindou pointed at him without even turning around; the smell of omurice invaded his nostrils and obviously he wasted no time in commenting on that singular choice of the other.
"Omurice? What are you, a child?"
Rindou gave him an irritated look out of the corner of his eye, turning off the cooker to devote himself fully to the other.
"I'm used to dealing with children ."
That answer struck Sanzu full force and he frowned a little irritated, but he soon put that feeling aside, pervaded by other feelings unknown to him but which caused a strange tightness in his chest. Maybe he really had gone too far with the drugs before, at this rate he would really risk a heart attack. Or maybe it wasn't a physical factor, there was something more?
They sat down on the small couch in the kitchen, Sanzu couldn't remember the last time he'd shared a meal with anyone - probably Mucho - and after the first bite he realised how much his stomach was crying out for food and had ignored it until then.
"It's not bad, you could be a perfect housewife."
Sanzu commented with a mischievous smile on his face, eliciting an irritated reaction from Rindou who put his plate down on the coffee table in front of the sofa, exhausted.
The pink-haired boy looked at his profile, detecting two deep furrows under his eyes, as if he hadn't slept for a long time; it was strange to have someone in the house, or rather, was a feeling foreign to him to share his personal space with someone when he were perfectly sober because in that moment he could notice details that normally would never notice, like the warmth of having someone do something for you without asking anything in return.
"You look like shit, how long has it been since you slept?"
The fact that even Sanzu had noticed this detail left Rindou bewildered and he shrugged, relaxing against the back of the couch in an attempt to find a more comfortable position that would help him rest better. He was probably so tired that he didn't even realise that he had fallen sound asleep on the sofa. When he opened his eyes again, judging by the absence of light, he perceived that it must be night and realised that he was wrapped by a blanket that he hadn’t had before he fell asleep.
He decided to get up to go to the bathroom, on his return his gaze fell on the half-open door of Sanzu's room. Avoiding any noise he walked into the room where he found the other boy sound asleep on his futon, he knelt down next to him, watching Sanzu in the dimness of the room in an attempt to make light of his own feelings that had been repressed for so long. He thought that all those months apart had erased those unbearable feelings, but nothing had changed and the fact that he felt attraction as he stared at the sleeping face of the other boy confirmed that theory.
Finally he placed one hand on the ground, using it to leverage his own body to get closer to the other's face, while with the other hand he brushed a few strands of hair away from Sanzu’s face, lingering with his fingers on a scars on the sides of his mouth, and before he could realize it Sanzu opened his eyes and grabbed one of Rindou's fingers between his teeth, biting it slowly.
The blond stifled a surprised cry, grateful that the half-light didn’t allow the other to see his current expression, mixed between embarrassment and surprise. He made to retract his hand, but Sanzu grabbed him by the wrist with force, pulling Rindou to lower himself towards him, until he almost fell on his body.
"Let go of me immediately or I will kill you ."
Too bad that threat didn't come out in a convincing enough tone, Sanzu chuckled and Rindou held his breath when he felt the other's breath directly against his own lips. All the willpower he had accumulated over those months came less when Sanzu licked his lower lip, bringing his free hand to the back of his neck, pushing him uncharacteristically gently towards him.
"I don't want to..."
It was a lie and he knew it better than anyone else; if only he had been able to stop thinking for a moment and surrender to the other boy's gestures, instead his brain kept showing him all the possible scenarios he could experience if he reciprocated.
"So there is someone already? Or are you still interested in that person who didn't consider you?"
The fact that Sanzu remembered his words surprised him yet again, causing him a feeling of annoyance because Sanzu hadn’t realised that this person was actually him. He was probably fooling himself once again, but at that point he didn't care. He pressed his lips against Sanzu's, feeling him return after a few moments of hesitation and when he felt Sanzu smile against his lips he hoped he didn't feel anything, but on the contrary he felt more than he expected.
He sensed a mixture of dizziness, euphoria, the urge to cry and scream at the same time and those sensations were amplified when Sanzu pressed his tongue against his lips, in a silent request for intrusion to which he opened himself without argument.
His heart was beating fast, so fast that it felt like it was about to explode, and although he knew it was impossible, he realized how powerless he was coping with his own emotions even when Sanzu left his lips, probably sensing how hard he was struggling to process those feelings, allowing him to stay by his side in that futon that was too narrow for two people.
"Hey Haitani, why do I feel like you're going to disappear again soon?"
Sanzu's voice was low, hoarse, almost a whisper; Rindou struggled to breathe through his nose, keeping his mouth shut to prevent his breath from betraying him. He was losing his mind and if he didn't leave soon, something would happen, which is why he left the flat at first light the next morning.
When Sanzu opened his eyes again, he wasn’t surprised to not find Rindou by his side. He stared for a few moments at the emptiness left by him and when he found the strength to get out of bed, he was surprised to find a note on the small kitchen table accompanied by a plate containing a pancake.
Sanzu sat down on the couch to look at the note, on which was written one word: 'I'm sorry' . Thinking back to last night, he could imagine Rindou saying those words and instinctively crumpled the note in his hands, clenching his fist.
“Idiot…”
***
Rindou decided to put an end to those feelings and the reunion with Ran a few weeks later allowed him to put aside everything that had oppressed and repressed him at the same time. They finally managed to find some stability, renting a flat in Roppongi and regaining their territory, which wasn't very complicated considering that no one had dared to get their hands on what belonged to the Haitani brothers in the meantime.
The situation changed a few years later when they received an invitation from Sano Manjiro. It was unexpected, considering the fact that they had never had a close relationship with the boy and were especially surprised when they learned of his real intentions. Sano proposed that they join his organisation 'Bonten', whose only fundamental principle was: prohibited to betray.
Ran found this proposal interesting, so Rindou decided to follow him even though he initially felt something was wrong with that story. His sixth sense didn't lie, in fact as soon as he met Sanzu's gaze all his certainties vanished in a few seconds. He hadn't contacted him since that fateful night, while Sanzu had sent him a few messages from time to time, until he reluctantly decided to change his phone number. It was obvious that he had run away up to that point and he instinctively averted his gaze when the younger boy looked at him, as if just making eye contact could change his mind.
"Apparently we’re destined to meet all the time."
Sanzu's voice surprised him when Rindou was thoughtlessly smoking a cigarette on the balcony of the living room of the residence he shared with the other members of the organisation. It was the first time they had exchanged words without any other presence, it seemed practically impossible to be completely alone.
"You say it like you believe in fate..."
The lilac-haired boy murmured, receiving an amused expression from the other, sensing a certain irony. He didn't know whether to attribute their meeting to fate or some other supernatural force, but he was certain that something wanted at all costs for him and Sanzu not to be separated, and in the depths of his heart Rindou felt almost grateful towards that mysterious entity.
"At least I'm sure you won't run away again this time."
Sanzu continued, stealing the cigarette from his lips and putting it out on the balcony balustrade; Rindou replied with an annoyed look, avoiding his insistent gaze, hoping that this mysterious entity would help him in the opposite direction.
"And even if it did? What would you care about?"
Rindou reciprocated, frowning as the taller man leaned forward a step from his lips. He would have been a fool if he didn't admit that he was literally hanging on by every word, but he was too proud to openly show it.
"Let's see how long it takes me to make you fall for me."
At that statement Rindou fought between the urge to go wide-eyed in surprise and throw a punch at Sanzu, but he'd never admit that he'd had feelings for him all those years, so he might as well play along.
" Good luck. "
It was going to be fun, he was sure of it.