Work Text:
It begins with a S.H.I.E.L.D. smartphone with a limited OS and a monitored VPN.
They give it to her after deprogramming, along with her own cabin on the helicarrier equipped with all kinds of clothes that fit her to perfection and a note that says to return what she doesn't like and tell her preferences to Barbara, from Equipment. There are tracksuits and pants and jackets and a lot of belts with the Widow's hourglass in crimson red. There's also a laptop, and books and a list of movies she can watch from S.H.I.E.L.D.'s intranet, and a couple of housewarming gifts – a blanket with her initials and a box full of Kissel.
She finds it all beyond ridiculous.
A mean voice inside herself, one no deprogramming will ever be able to erase, makes her wonder if the Americans are weak after all, like they used to tell her in the Red Room.
But apparently, it's all real. It's all… well-intentioned?
They tell her – if you need something else, just text the Commander.
Natasha wonders how she should go about this needing thing. She spent the first 23 years of her life being robbed of her free will, from wanting anything for herself.
Everyone in S.H.I.E.L.D. seems to forget that. Or do they? Is this a subtler, gentler way of indoctrination?
She doesn't dwell on it for too long, anyway.
She also wonders who that commander person is, but soon finds there's already an uploaded list of S.H.I.E.L.D. contacts on her new phone.
There's Fury. Barton. Coulson. May. Pam from HR. Dave from Weaponry. Dr. Torres from Medical. Dr. Liu from Psych, her therapist. And yes, there it is, the Commander (MH). She assumes the letters are initials.
She rids the phone of its restrictions in no time. She knows they'll know, but no one comes knocking on her door to reprimand her.
The first few days of semi-freedom she spends them quietly – learning, observing, adapting. Sometimes, she gets a text from Barton.
"WYA?" 12.08 A.M.
She learns that means "where you at?". Apparently, Barton disregards the written word as much as he does the spoken one. She can't blame him, she's not learning ASL as quickly as he'd like. Clint hides it very well from others but it's clear he prefers signing to speech and pushes Nat each chance he gets. Maybe he hopes she'll be better at texting.
Sometimes, she just ignores him.
"WYA, T? Nest. CHO." 4.39 A.M.
T: Tasha. Nest: his hiding place above the bridge. CHO: Come hang out.
Many times, she feels trapped and anxious and she knows better than staying on her bunk with her thoughts, so she visits him, or exhausts herself in the gym, or simply walks around the carrier in circles.
Some other times, she does impulsive things, things she would have never acted on back in her Red Room days.
She stress-eats candy from the vending machines.
She plays cards in the cantina with other agents and finds herself actually enjoying it.
She binge-watches James Bond movies on her laptop to the point of being able to say the lines at the same time as Roger Moore.
She obsesses over a book, reading the same paragraphs over and over again, especially those that make her uncomfortable. She had watched a movie adaptation of that same book as part of her Red Room training, she's glad she doesn't remember it because Clint tells her it's very different.
She drops by Fury's office to ask mundane questions about S.H.I.E.L.D. operations and to try and get him to tell her how he lost his eye. He tells her a different story every time. The stories have small vignettes of truth hidden in them though, and so Natasha learns of Fury's past through these fantasies. Sometimes, an old friend who he trusted with his life turned sides and stabbed him when he was defenseless. Other times, a monster from outer space took his eye. They both secretly enjoy it and if they make a habit out of it, it's nobody's business.
She texts Dr. Liu and asks her if it is normal, the things she feels, the new things she does.
"Normal is too broad a term, Natasha. Everything you feel is valid. Every emotion tells us something about ourselves. This is the first time you're letting yourself feel. Connect with those emotions. Listen to what they're telling you. Find out what you want and what you need. And then, choose."
Liu's explanation leaves her back at square one. Feelings are one thing. Needs, another, and fine, she can handle both now. Sometimes. But choosing? On top of it all?
Clint tells her it's not that complicated. He explains how she should start by listening to the most basic things – eat when she's hungry, sleep when she's tired, train when she needs a workout… baby steps. Day by day. Easy-peasy.
Time goes by and Natasha seems to find her footing around the daily routine of the carrier and her so-called needs.
It's on one of these anodyne days when she finds herself suddenly unbalanced.
"What if I'm horny?" Natasha does what she's been told to do: ask for help.
They're in the Hawk's nest, watching from above the bridge as Fury and Coulson bicker like an old married couple.
But Barton wasn't expecting such a question, so he does the only thing he can under the circumstances – he chokes on his Kool-Aid.
So much so that he begins to turn purple and Natasha has to hit him a few times on his back. He pants and looks at her with dopey wide eyes.
He signs – "WTF, Tasha!?"
She shrugs, understanding her self-appointed best friend is not going to help her figure out what to do with herself.
She talks to Dr. Liu about it. She's unashamed and unapologetic. They wanted her to be herself, right? They wanted her to connect with her emotions. So she tells her how in the Red Room she was trained as an assassin, a hunter, and a seductress. How she's been with a lot of people, and never once on her own terms. And she tells her how she made her peace with that a long time ago and that she managed to enjoy some of those encounters through the power of imagination.
Dr. Liu explains to her the actual term for that – derealization. She goes on about all of its implications. It's a coping mechanism. Natasha knows every word, she's heard it all before, but she listens. Dr. Liu tells her it's only natural that she feels curious about sex now that she's free of the Red Room, free to choose, free to be.
Natasha sighs. It's simpler than that. She knows maybe Liu won't believe her, but it really is.
"No, no. You don't understand," Natasha tells her, her accent slowly fading away, but still lingering. "I'm just horny. And sex helps me sleep. And the hornier I get, the less I sleep… I just need to get off."
Dr. Liu nods slowly. She has a magnificent poker face, but Natasha knows she's broken her, if only a little.
She leaves the session feeling a little bit more frustrated. Dr. Liu means well and she's helped her a lot, she's amazing at her job, but she probably thinks she's hung on the abuse and the trauma she's been through but, it really is simple – she needs to use someone, someone's hands and teeth and tongue, someone that knows what they're doing, someone that gives her body what she needs a lets her mind wander into her own fantasies.
Alone in her bunk, shifting and turning in another sleepless night, she remembers something.
If you need something else, just text the Commander.
She still doesn't know this commander. She doesn't even know if they are a man or a woman. A man, probably, for what she's seen of S.H.I.E.L.D. until then, the chain of command is a testosterone festival. It seems to her the good guys keep some of the practices of the bad guys. She should've asked Clint. But right now, she can go to the source.
It's impulsive. It's stupid. She doesn't even know how they could help her, but she finds herself searching for the Commander's contact and typing a message.
It's simple, it's direct.
"I need something" 22.19
She waits. When a minute goes by to no answer, she starts to feel a little self-conscious. Perhaps she should've introduced herself, perhaps she should've explained before –
Her phone vibrates. The Commander's answer has only two words.
"Say it" 22.21
Natasha reads the words and feels immediately an invigorating warmth. She didn't introduce herself, she didn't explain anything, she just demanded and this person who's answering back is telling her to say what she needs. There's something so freeing in that. Perhaps she'll end up liking this Commander after all.
She rewards the Commander's straightforwardness with the same coin.
"Sex" 22.21
It's radio silence then.
Natasha knows it was too good to be true. She stares at the ceiling for long minutes, comforting herself thinking the Commander's face must've been priceless upon seeing her impossible demand.
To her surprise, there's a response after a little while.
"You have R&R in two weeks. Take care of it then. Stop texting me" 22.43
It seems… unaffected. Natasha is kind of offended, even, and her curiosity gets the better of her.
"How do you know when I have shore leave?" 22.43
The response is not immediate, and Natasha knows then the Commander must be multitasking, probably, the works-till-they-drop type.
"I'm in charge of your schedule. Stop texting me" 22.46
Natasha curses and rolls her eyes.
"And yet I don't even know you" 22.46
"Anyway, I can't wait that long" 22.46
"Why?" 22.47
She chooses to be elegant instead of going for the dirty joke.
"A girl has needs" 22.47
"Don't we all?" 22.53
The Commander is amusing, Natasha thinks, probably the no-nonsense type with a witty sense of humor. Natasha smiles, this one could be fun, for sure, but there's still no solution to her problem.
"You really can't help, can you?" 22.53
"How am I supposed to help you with that?" 22.54
"Don't know. Give me ideas, maybe" 22:54
"Man or woman?" 22.55
Finally, a little progress. Natasha plays dumb.
"???" 22.55
"Do you want a man or a woman?" 22.59
"I don't care." 22.59
The six minutes that pass between her text and the answer, Natasha spends them trying to hack into S.H.I.E.L.D.'s personnel files. She finds something that could potentially give her some insight into the Commander but it's all way above her clearance level. Maybe it will take her all night but it could be a great distraction from the anxiety that arises each time she has to wait for a new text from them.
"High standards" 23.05
She giggles. For the love of Mother Russia, the Black Widow giggles in the comfort of her cabin. And she's glad no one's around to see her but she truly doesn't care, she's enjoying herself far too much now.
"Making fun of my bisexuality?" 23.05
"Am I still in the Red Room?" 23.05
It's a shame the Commander takes a while to respond because Natasha loses momentum.
"Fuck, no. I'm sorry. I didn't mean it like that" 23.25
She certainly wasn't expecting an apology.
"Relax, Commander. I'm messing with you" 23.25
"And let me point out I'm very pleased you were the first one to drop an F bomb. A person after my own heart." 23.25
"I'm so sorry about that" 23.25
"Regarding your petition, I'm sure you'll be able to establish a connection with anyone that catches your eye. Make sure nobody finds out though, S.H.I.E.L.D. has regulations against fraternization" 23.25
"Please stop texting me" 23.26
"Oh, so I can use this conversation against you?" 23.26
"Your phone will burn even before you think about screenshotting anything" 23.26
Natasha smiles. Of course. She can't help herself as she types her reply.
"Good to know… Anyway. Is this not the Commander?" 23.26
"I was told to text you if I needed something" 23.26
"You hacked your phone the moment you had it!" 23.52
"Download a dating app and just pick anyone" 23.52
"STOP. TEXTING. ME" 23.53
Oh, yes. Yes, this is so much fun. Natasha feels like she's hit the jackpot, a cunning smile on her face.
"What does MH mean?" 23.53
"Are you a guy?" 23.54
"What do you think about Fury?" 23.55
"Have you ever been to Ohio?" 23.56
"Where are you based?" 23.57
She doesn't worry about the silence this time. Instead, she opens her laptop and plays one of her favorite James Bond movies, Moonraker.
The night goes by, slowly.
She glances at her phone from time to time, texts Barton, looks up Roger Moore's biography and searches random Bond movies facts.
The movie stays in the background as a quiet comfort. Out of the blue, she thinks about Yelena.
Don't, Natasha reprimands herself in the darkness of her mind, she got out. She was smart, smarter than me, she got out. She had to.
She feels lonely. A fit of sudden anger washes over her. She picks up the phone again.
"Why haven't I met you yet if you're such a big deal?" 12.34
Five minutes go by. Ten, twenty, thirty. No answer.
One of those impulsive feelings comes for her heart with a vengeance. It's anxiety. Loneliness. Fear. Hope. All of it coming for her at once. And so she listens to it all, and she lets it out then.
She can't stop the things she types next.
She doesn't want to.
"I could touch myself. I'm just afraid of what I'll feel. I don't know how to do it. I mean, of course I know. But not properly, anyway. Not for me. That's why it's easier with another body" 1.04
"I can't sleep and when I do, it's all darkness. I don't have nightmares anymore. The deprogramming took them all away" 1.04
"I panic because I know I won't have them. It's ridiculous" 1.04
"Sometimes my hands are so cold I think it's Russia, within me, it's Russia running through my veins, not blood" 1.05
"I miss it. I love it. And I also hate it. I won't ever escape it" 1.05
It feels like so little yet it's as if a big weight has been lifted from her shoulders. She still feels the dread, the vertigo in the pit of her stomach, but it gets easier then, even if the Commander doesn't answer until two hours later when she's been trying to calm her racing heart with breathing exercises to no success.
"Romanoff. Still awake?" 3.08
She considers for a moment the possibility of not answering at all. She should let it go. She exposed herself enough as it is, and to a stranger, no less. She knows she's rebelling against the way she was brought up. She knows she's just doing this silly stunt because she can, but still…
Natasha sighs as she types her reply.
"No rest for the wicked. You were busy, Commander?" 3.09
"Always am" 3.09
She finds a strange relief in the Commander's simple honesty. It's something new. She can't tell if she likes it.
Romanoff raises her eyebrows and mentally braces herself as the touchscreen lights up with one intriguing message:
Commander (MH) is typing…
"If you don't know what MH means or how I identify, I'd rather tell you in person, if you don't mind" 3.09
"Fury is tough because he has to and a lot of people don't get him. What I think about him doesn't matter, but know that I do trust him" 3.09
"I had someone from Toledo in my first unit and I made out with a girl from Cleveland when I was sixteen but that's it. So no, never been to Ohio" 3.09
"I'm based in DC. Temporary" 3.09
Natasha can't help herself. She smiles. So the Commander does listen – read, in this case.
"Oh. Back here soon?" 3.09
"Classified" 3.10
"Of fucking course" 3.10
"Shall we get some shut-eye?" 3.10
"I can't. I told you. That's why I need the sex" 3.10
"Are you lying in bed?" 3.10
"Yes" 3.10
"Sleep, then” 3.10
"It's not that easy" 3.10
"I know. But you need to try" 3.10
"Maybe guide me through it?" 3.10
"I'm not a podcast, Romanoff. Just get some sleep. And stop texting me" 3.10
The next thing Natasha types makes her head spin and her heart dance in her chest.
"I meant we could have phone sex" 3.10
She doesn't regret it. She's proud.
Commander (MH) is typing…
…
Natasha smirks. Has she finally broken the unbreakable Commander?
…
Commander (MH) is typing…
…
"No" 3.10
Natasha smiles and a warm feeling makes a home in her cheeks. Yes, she's made a dent. So she keeps pushing.
"Sexting, then" 3.10
"NO!!!" 3.10
"Why?" 3.10
Commander (MH) is typing…
…
"Unethical. Against the rules" 3.11
"I'm your superior officer" 3.11
"We haven't met" 3.11
"You haven't even seen my face" 3.11
"A fucking million reasons, agent" 3.11
Even though she's never seen the Commander's face, Natasha can imagine how satisfying it should be to be able to fluster someone like them, someone who's probably spent their whole adult life being (or appearing to be) in control. Much like her. Perhaps she has a lot in common with this Commander. Perhaps she could capitalize on that.
Natasha bares her soul. No turning back now.
"I need help. The deprogramming took away any inhibitors I had in place to prevent me from asking for it, so this is me telling my superior officer that my skin burns and I need fucking help" 3.12
"I consent. I won't tell a soul. Please, help me" 3.12
Natasha understands the silence. She knows something monumental is passing between them. But she can't bear it.
"Commander?" 3.15
"Romanoff, no" 3.15
"Romanoff, YES" 3.15
"I said no. Sleep. STOP TEXTING ME FFS" 3.16
"But I can't. You fix things, right, Commander? Fix me?" 3.17
"Sexting is not the answer" 3.18
"And you don't need fixing, not anymore" 3.18
"You're perfect just the way you are" 3.18
"Aw" 3.18
"Don't" 3.18
She'll try once. Only once again. And if she can't have it, she'll stop, Natasha tells herself. But there's something about the Commander, something about their words and their hesitance and their honesty that shakes her to her core. So she keeps going. Just once. Just once more.
"Listen, it will help me sleep. I was told I should take care of my basic needs first, as soon as they come, before they overwhelm me, just to unlearn what I was told, just to be human again. I can't choose who I want to be, not yet, I don't know how. But I know what I need, right here, right now, clear as day. So please. Just help me?" 3.18
Commander (MH) is typing…
…
…
Natasha is typing…
…
"Commander, I want this" 3.19
“I need it” 3.19
“I understand if you can’t help me but for some reason I feel like you can? Am I wrong?” 3.19
Commander (MH) is typing…
…
…
…
And, finally…
“Ok" 3.20
Natasha gasps and her face lights up like a Christmas tree.
"Ok?" 3.20
Commander (MH) is typing…
"Are you sure about this?" 3.20
"Will it help you?" 3.20
"Really help you?" 3.20
"You're not messing with me, are you?" 3.20
"Though I guess I wouldn't have a way to know if you were. Fuck" 3.20
Natasha is hopeful, ecstatic, eager, anxious as she's never been, giddy like a little child after a spin.
Her eyes shine brighter than the phone's screen.
"I'm sure. It'll help. I'm not messing with you" 3.20
"Saying please is new to me. But I'm saying it" 3.20
"Please?" 3.20
Commander (MH) is typing…
…
…
…
"Fine" 3.21
"Rules we need rules" 3.21
"We don't talk about it in person. Ever" 3.21
"This is a one-time thing" 3.21
"You type NYX if you want me to stop, the moment you want me to stop" 3.21
"Are we clear?" 3.21
Natasha's body feels very light very suddenly. But the vertigo she experiences is a good one.
"Safe word: NYX. Understood, yes" 3.21
She doesn't know what else to say. She doesn't need to say anything else, really. She puts her hopes and fears in the hands of the Commander, blindly, and willingly for the first time ever.
"Undress completely if you haven't done that already" 3.21
"Hold your phone with your right hand. I know you're left-handed. It will be just texts, so I need you to be able to read, but get as comfortable as possible" 3.21
"So bossy. I'm turned on already" 3.21
"Shut the fuck up or I'm out" 3.21
"You do as I say, when I say it" 3.21
"The moment you read my commands, you execute them exactly as I'm telling you to" 3.21
"The first command: do not even attempt to type another word. Am I clear?" 3.21
"Good girl" 3.22
"Now imagine, Natasha…" 3.22
Commander (MH) is typing…
…
…
"There's a body over yours. It's mine. My skin is warm right now, and yours is about to get warmer. Your skin is against my skin. My lips are on your earlobe. I'm whispering all the things I'm gonna do to you. I'm gonna map your body with my mouth. I'm gonna circle your clit with my fingers. I'm gonna eat you out all night long. I'm gonna enter you with a finger, then two. I'm gonna take it slow, though, so don't get too excited. I'm gonna bite your jawline and I'm gonna pepper kisses all over it as I touch your breasts. I'm taking a nipple between my fingers right now. And I squeeze, hard" 3.23
"Do it. Do it for me" 3.23
Natasha almost chokes on her own saliva. She feels wetness pooling between her legs, and her clit pulses rapidly and suddenly, as does her heart. Somehow, the Commander knows all the right things to say (or write, in this case), and it's exactly what she needs.
It's scary, how much she needs it. It's so, so scary, how good it feels. How right it is when it should be foreign, alienating… plainly weird.
Ten minutes later she's coming in her hand, uplifted by the Commander's orders and praises, feeling the weight of the hundred lives she's lived abandoning her body. The Commander had no gender in her fantasies, no face, no name. But she only wishes their eyes were gentle.
The conversation disappears from her phone after a minute. Natasha pouts. She could use it for future occasions… but she understands the logic behind the Commander's precaution.
After that first night, Natasha gets a goodnight's sleep for the first time in decades. No, it isn't a one-time thing, as the Commander had stated.
They text every night after that.
Sometimes it's sexting. Sometimes it's just banter, back and forth.
The Commander won't tell her their name. Natasha tries to guess, tries to discover their gender… the Commander won't budge. And Natasha likes it.
The Russian learns the habit of healthy, restful sleep.
Natasha tries not to worry when the Commander doesn't answer her texts one night. One becomes two. But on night three, she's ready to highjack a Quinjet and search the whole wide world.
She doesn't have to because Fury calls her and Barton before dawn, uneasy and anxious, so unlike the Fury they know, and tells them they need to go on a rescue mission.
Natasha's blood runs cold before he even tells them.
The Commander (Hill, she learns from Fury, who only refers to them like that) and a special ops team are MIA in Khamiskan, an ill-fated country divided by greed and warlords.
Fury uses she/her pronouns for Hill. Natasha suspected as much. She’s pleased. And worried. And ready to do whatever it takes to bring Hill back.
Strike team DELTA manages to rescue the six team members alive, in part, thanks to Commander Hill's determination to not leave anyone behind.
That's how they meet – in a damp and cold cave, both of them covered in blood, sweat and gunpowder.
Clint doesn't know what the hell's happening when both women just stand there, stupid, dreamy smiles on their faces as if they weren't in the middle of a goddamned rescue mission. The Black Widow and the Commander don't smile like that. He thinks they both got hit in the head very hard during the fight, perhaps. He knows they don't know each other and he signs to Nat but she just ignores him. They don't pay him enough, he thinks. He should buy a farm and tell everyone to fuck off.
He waits, though, he waits for them to resolve whatever this is.
"Commander Hill," Nat begins, and yes, it's the first time they speak, and she's still panting from the fight and there are bodies all around them, "I still don't know what the M means," Natasha's smile doesn't falter.
Hill's blue eyes are indeed gentle. When she wants them to be, at least.
"Maria."