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Hyunsu first talks to Eunhyuk at a party.
He knows who Eunhyuk is before the party, of course. He’s Eunyu’s brother, and Eunyu is Hyunsu’s friend, despite Hyunsu not really understanding why. And yet even without this tenuous connection, Hyunsu would still be aware of Eunhyuk.
Hyunsu does not go to parties, as a habit. He does not fit the role of “party-goer.” He had explained as much to Eunyu that morning, both of them hunched in the back of their lecture hall. Eunyu had brought him Starbucks, which was nice, but also tricky, because it meant that she wanted something.
“You don’t have to be a party-goer. You can just be my wingman,” Eunyu insisted.
Hyunsu chewed his croissant. It was taking his spit a long time to break it down, because his mouth was suddenly very dry. Hyunsu and parties. Parties and Hyunsu. Not really a thing. He forced himself to swallow.
“I don’t think I’m really a wingman, either,” Hyunsu said finally. He grabbed for Eunyu’s pink drink, mouth tacky, and she handed it over to him. She had brought him an iced matcha, but since the ice to matcha ratio was a joke, he had finished it in like, two sips. She was really indulging him today, Hyunsu thought at the time.
“You literally can’t fuck it up,” Eunyu said. “You just need to keep me from freaking out until I get a chance to talk to her.”
Hyunsu hummed, pretending to take some notes, which were very obviously fake, because this was the easy as fuck Art History elective that he and Eunyu coincidentally had together, despite her being a dance major and him being a compsci major.
“How do you know she’ll be there?” he asked, to buy time.
“It’s being thrown by one of the kids in the music department,” Eunyu said. “Everyone in the music department is going.”
Right. Because Eunyu’s crush played the guitar and was also a performing arts major. And had pink hair and short nails so she was definitely gay, because guitar players kept their nails long on their picking hand and hers were short , Hyunsu, it’s so obvious.
If Hyunsu was smarter, he might have thought of an excuse faster. But Eunyu had taken the time to get him cold foam on his matcha, and he was touched. He’d never really said no to Eunyu, anyway, starting from the very first day they’d met.
“Hey, we match,” she’d said on the first day of class.
And then, when Hyunsu had just stared at her, lost, she pointed to his finger. “We match, see. Me too.”
And she held up her hand. She had a lump of gauze wrapped around the ring finger of her right hand. “Cut it when I was trying to open a can of pineapple with a knife,” she explained. “What about yours?”
Hyunsu’s right ring finger was mangled, too, but it had healed a long time ago. It just hadn’t healed straight.
“Um,” he said. “I broke it.”
Eunyu rolled her eyes. “Well duh,” she said, but didn’t press further. “Can I sit next to you?”
He hadn’t said no to her then, either.
And so they go to the party. Hyunsu has no idea whose house it is, but he supposes it doesn’t actually matter. He walks in already feeling shaky, half expecting Eunyu to just ditch him immediately, but she sticks next to him the whole time. Eunyu is too good for him, Hyunsu thinks, not for the first time. She doesn’t deserve to be underestimated like this. He should stop projecting onto her.
Despite his misgivings, Hyunsu has a surprisingly good time. Eunyu laughs at his obvious jumpiness whenever someone bumps into him, but it’s not mean, and she even pushes a few of the more obnoxious frat guys who crash into them, already drunk at 11 pm. Hyunsu has to pull her away before she can start a real fight. They mutually decide to find somewhere quieter, so they snag a case of something that Eunyu finds at least tolerable and retreat to a corner. Once there, Eunyu tries to teach him to dance, but quickly gives him up as a lost cause.
They’re in the middle of trying to talk over the third G-Eazy song of the night when a girl with dyed pink hair walks in. Eunyu grips his arm so tight that he flinches.
“Oh my god,” she says. “Hyunsu, oh my god.”
“Ow,” he says, “ow ow ow ow ow.”
She spins him around to face her. She looks frantic. And pretty drunk. He maybe should have watched her alcohol intake more. She hides her nervousness too well, so he hadn’t noticed her basically slamming… he checks the label of the can he’s holding and finds a berry flavored Truly.
“How many of these have you had?” he asks.
“What do I do,” she hisses, as she continues to cut off the blood circulation in his arm. “She looks so pretty, oh my god.”
“With the pink hair?” Hyunsu asks, just to be sure.
“ Yes, Hyunsu, stupid. Oh my god.”
Hyunsu feels out of his depth. But his arm hurts and he wants her to let go, so he tries his best. “Um,” he says, “you got me to like you. So.”
Eunyu rolls her eyes, but it seems like she knows he’s making an effort. Eunyu is never truly mean.
“Hyunsu,” she groans, “I bullied you. And you put up with me.”
At that he smiles. “Because I like you. ”
Eunyu scoffs, but she’s smiling, too, so Hyunsu doesn’t feel like a complete failure.
Eunyu pats him on the cheek and then walks confidently across the room, all traces of nerves gone, presumably to bully her crush and pretend as though she isn’t the only reason they are at this party in the first place. She quickly vanishes from his line of sight, and he is left alone, feeling adrift. The music is suddenly a lot louder and a lot more awful.
Hyunsu goes to find weed.
It’s not hard to do. He finds a group of kids in a circle in the living room, and normally he would feel too nervous to join in, but he is desperate and a little tipsy. It’s bad etiquette, maybe, but no one seems to care. Hyunsu sets his mind to get as high as possible as quickly as possible.
He meets his objective pretty quickly. He forgets why he was ever anxious in the first place.
He’s in the middle of trying to decide whether he wants to try and find Eunyu so they can go to McDonald’s, because he really wants food but Eunyu is probably busy, when he feels somebody tap him on his shoulder.
Hyunsu stares. He’s a little high still. He is not one of the lucky people that achieves higher brain function when under the influence of marijuana. He just gets even more stupid. But that’s fine. That’s not why he smokes, anyway.
So when Lee Eunhyuk looks down at him, looking severe in his glasses, Hyunsu can only gape. His face must look so stupid, he thinks, but he can’t make himself stop.
Eunhyuk is Eunyu’s brother, yes, but Hyunsu would recognize him even if that weren’t true. Eunhyuk is an exceptional student, one of only a handful of students on a full ride scholarship. He is in his third year, on track to be a surgeon. Despite being a biology major, he is still a participant in the robotics club, and helped them win the state competition. In Hyunsu’s first year, they had Calc I together, and on one of the days that Hyunsu managed to make himself show up, he offered his notes for the days that Hyunsu had missed. Hyunsu had stared, wide-eyed, still processing that anyone had even noticed his absence, when the lecture began and he had missed his chance. And then he had to pretend like he didn’t think about that single interaction every night for the next year up until right now.
All previous evidence would lead to the conclusion that Eunhyuk is also not a party-goer. And yet he is here, at this honestly horrible party. And much like that day in their calculus lecture, Hyunsu is wordlessly staring at him like an idiot.
Eunhyuk looks pained. Of course he does, Hyunsu thinks. He’s really fumbling this interaction. Anyone would look uncomfortable if they were talking to Hyunsu in this state.
“Eunyu,” Eunhyuk repeats. “You’re her friend, right?”
Oh. Yeah. “Yeah,” he remembers to say out loud. He feels like he’s underwater.
Eunhyuk sighs shortly, like he’s frustrated. Hyunsu resists the urge to flinch.
“Do you know where she is?” Eunhyuk says.
“Um.” Hyunsu knows that this is a very logical progression of questions, and that he should probably be anticipating his answers. But his brain hasn’t moved on from the fact that Lee Eunhyuk is staring down at him. Is talking to him. What was the question? “I think so?” he guesses.
Eunhyuk looks unimpressed. “You think so?”
“Um. Yes.” Stupid stupid stupid.
Eunhyuk makes a face, and Hyunsu is suddenly reminded that he and Eunyu are related. It’s a very Eunyu face to make.
“I can help you find her,” Hyunsu blurts out.
Eunhyuk raises his eyebrows. “Can you?”
He’s definitely being made fun of, but he decides to ignore it. He’s high, he can compartmentalize.
“Yes,” he says, standing up. And that’s a mistake, because now he sees that Eunhyuk is half a foot taller than him. Hyunsu knows he slouches, but. There is a definite height difference. And now he’s fixating on that.
“Wow,” he says. “You are taller than me.”
“I’m not sure you’re going to be much help,” Eunhyuk says.
Ouch. That hurts. But Hyunsu laughs, because it’s also funny. “Sorry,” he says, still laughing. “You are definitely right.”
He moves to sit back down, because clearly Eunhyuk doesn’t want him around, but is stopped by a hand on his shoulder.
“You can come anyway,” Eunhyuk says, looking at like. His forehead or something. “If you want.”
Hyunsu stands back up. Eunhyuk appraises him with a frown, but doesn’t say anything else.
They look for Eunyu, and find her relatively easily. Eunhyuk probably could have done it himself, if he tried. She’s in one of the stairwells, making out with the girl with pink hair. Hyunsu’s eyes bug out when he sees them. Eunhyuk just sighs.
“Eunyu.”
“Oh, hi big brother. Hyunsu.” Eunyu smiles at them, like her makeup isn’t a mess. “This is Jisu.”
“Hi,” Jisu says, clearly embarrassed.
“Hi,” Hyunsu echoes, because he’s high and an idiot.
Eunhyuk ignores them, because he’s sober and kind of an asshole. “You said you wanted me to pick you up at one o’clock,” he says to Eunyu.
“Ooh, I did say that. I did. My bad.”
Eunhyuk, Hyunsu is quickly realizing, conveys a surprising amount of emotion with minimal facial muscles. He’s probably staring, but he can’t stop. Now Eunhyuk is making a face that is like, the suggestion of a frown.
“Are you saying that your plans changed?”
“Yes,” Eunyu says. “I’m going home with Jisu.”
Eunhyuk’s frown becomes more pronounced. “Are you sure? I told you I could drive.”
That’s right. Eunyu doesn’t drive. Hyunsu doesn’t drive either. They’ve never openly discussed why that is, but by the way they both skirt around the issue, Hyunsu thinks they don’t need to.
Eunyu rolls her eyes. “Yes, I’m sure.”
Eunhyuk sighs. “Okay, what about Hyunsu?”
Oh, shit. Hyunsu didn’t even think about that.
“It’s okay,” he says quickly, because he’s not about to cockblock his best friend. “I can take the train.”
“Don’t be silly,” Eunyu says. “Eunhyuk is already here. He can take you.”
Hyunsu looks at Eunhyuk nervously. He really does flinch this time, because Eunhyuk is glowering at his sister with enough venom to kill.
“It’s okay,” Hyunsu says. “I don’t mind the train.”
He decides to stop looking at Eunhyuk altogether. It’s too overwhelming. He doesn’t want to see Eunhyuk’s face when he accepts out of politeness.
“Hyunsu,” Eunhyuk says, because he has manners, “I can take you home.”
Hyunsu shakes his head. “It’s okay,” he repeats, for the millionth time. “I really don’t mind.”
Eunyu smacks him. “You’re thinking too much. He wouldn’t offer if he didn’t mean it. And even if he didn’t want to, he should do it as a favor to me, because I’m his beloved sister. Okay?”
Hyunsu really wants to protest again, as a reflex at this point, but he swallows it down. “Okay,” he mumbles.
“Great!” Eunyu says. “Now leave me alone.”
Eunhyuk takes off his glasses so that he can rub at his eyes, which strikes Hyunsu as too elderly a gesture for this college party. And now he’s back to staring.
“Do you want to smoke?” Eunhyuk says suddenly.
“What?”
Eunhyuk holds up a pack of cigarettes. “Smoke? Outside?”
Hyunsu can only follow.
It should be a relief to get out of the crowded house, but now Hyunsu is alone with Eunhyuk, which is honestly terrifying. The chilly air is starting to sober him up, regretfully. Now he is aware of how anxious he is.
Eunhyuk offers him the pack and he takes one, not knowing what else to do, and then he hesitates, because he doesn’t have a lighter.
“No light?” Eunhyuk guesses. He nods.
Eunhyuk lights his own and hisses out the smoke. “Come here, I’ll light it for you.”
Hesitantly, cigarette in his mouth, Hyunsu shuffles forward.
“No, lean closer. It’s windy.”
He does.
Eunhyuk smirks. “Closer,” he murmurs.
Hyunsu has stopped breathing. As if under a spell, he leans closer. Their faces are only a few inches apart, close enough that he can see the glow of the lighter reflected in Eunhyuk’s pupils, close enough that he could count his eyelashes if he wanted to. Only when Eunhyuk pulls back does he realize that Eunhyuk could have just let him borrow the lighter.
There’s definitely something he’s missing, here.
“Do you want to come home with me?” Eunhyuk says.
Hyunsu blinks. Wasn’t that what they were doing?
His confusion must be obvious, because Eunhyuk rolls his eyes. He plucks the cigarette from Hyunsu’s lips and stubs it out. And then he grips Hyunsu’s hips and slams him up against the wall.
Hyunsu is reeling. The brother that Eunyu always complained about sounded like a giant nerd. He wore khakis and button ups almost exclusively. He played chess for fun. Hyunsu is feeling extreme dissonance between the nerdy Eunhyuk that he has always imagined and this Eunhyuk, who is now pressing his thumb so tightly into the divot of Hyunsu’s hip that it’s sure to leave bruises.
“What?” Hyunsu gasps.
Eunhyuk pulls back and meets his eyes, staring intently. Hyunsu is beginning to realize that might just be how Eunhyuk looks all the time. It’s hard to hold his gaze, being under that intense hyper-focus. It’s even harder when Eunhyuk’s thumb slips under his waistband and he has to try extremely hard to keep his eyes from rolling back in his head.
“I said, come home with me,” Eunhyuk repeats. “If you want.”
Hyunsu can’t think. But he wants. He does.
“Okay,” he says.
Hyunsu and cars. Cars and Hyunsu. Not really a thing. But Eunhyuk seems like he would be a responsible driver. They walk the block to Eunhyuk’s car, because wow, there were really a lot of people at this party and Hyunsu just didn’t notice, Hyunsu trailing dumbly behind Eunhyuk the whole time, wondering if he should be making conversation and not knowing what to say.
Eunhyuk decides for him. “How do you know Eunyu?” he asks, looking straight ahead as they walk. Hyunsu finds himself wanting Eunhyuk to look at him again, while simultaneously being terrified of it. Eunhyuk is too intense. But maybe Hyunsu is just high.
“Um, we have a lecture together,” he says.
Eunhyuk hums. “How did that happen? You aren’t in the same major.”
Hyunsu trips. Eunhyuk reaches out a hand to steady him. “Be careful,” he says. And then, like it’s just occurring to him, “Are you drunk?”
“No,” Hyunsu says. This is true. “How did you know we’re not in the same major?”
Eunhyuk looks away. “Eunyu talks about you, sometimes.”
That does make sense. This is a very normal conversation to have between two strangers who share a mutual connection, Hyunsu reminds himself.
When they get inside the car, there’s an awkward pause where Eunhyuk doesn’t turn the car on right away. Hyunsu half expects that they will go back to… whatever they were doing in the hallway. He doesn’t know how hookups work, so. A thrill runs through him in anticipation of Eunhyuk’s hands on him again.
“Seatbelt,” Eunhyuk says, staying decidedly across the car.
“What?”
“You should put your seatbelt on,” Eunhyuk says.
Oh. Hyunsu complies, and they finally start moving. Eunhyuk’s hands don’t go anywhere near him, instead remaining firmly on the wheel the whole time.
Hyunsu is glad that he’s high, because otherwise the car ride would definitely be too awkward to bear. Luckily, Eunhyuk doesn’t live far, so they both survive.
Eunhyuk keeps his distance on the way into the apartment building. Hyunsu respects his self control. He wants Eunhyuk on him like, yesterday. But once they get into the apartment it’s a different story. Eunhyuk is kissing him before they even get to the bedroom, before the front door is even closed.
“Bedroom,” Eunhyuk says, when they stop to breathe. “There’s a bed.”
“Um,” Hyunsu says, because he kind of figured that was the case, “okay?”
Eunhyuk rolls his eyes, which. Unnecessary. “Do you want to go there?”
Hyunsu is so fucking lost. He really thought this was a given. “I don’t know where it is, though?”
He watches the five stages of grief cross over Eunhyuk’s face in record time. And then he’s being pulled down a hallway and falling onto a bed and Eunhyuk’s hand is slipping up his shirt and pulling it off and.
Hyunsu freezes. He’s so stupid. He forgot about his scars. The ones on his wrist, which are the most damning, but the ones everywhere else, too. And his fucked up ribs, too, fuck. It’s dim in Eunhyuk’s room, but not dark enough for him to hide them.
Eunhyuk slides his palms down his arms, stopping at his wrists, where he loops his hands gently. He looks down at them, considering. And then he guides Hyunsu’s wrists over his head and pins them to the bed.
“Is this okay?” he asks.
Hyunsu had been prepared for questions, for awkwardness. To be kicked out, maybe. His heart is in his throat. “What?” he says, because he can’t keep up.
Eunhyuk presses down harder on his wrists, for emphasis. “This. Is this okay?”
“Oh,” Hyunsu breathes. He doesn’t have to think about it. “Yes.”
And then he stops thinking altogether.
The next morning, Hyunsu wakes up alone in bed. This would be normal, except that it’s not his bed. It’s Eunhyuk’s. Hyunsu has never had a one night stand before, but he’s pretty sure he’s the one that’s supposed to leave first.
He checks his phone and sees that it's eight in the morning. Early for him, but apparently not for Eunhyuk.
Maybe he can still sneak out. That’s what he’s supposed to do, right? Maybe Eunhyuk will come back and be upset to find him still here. Maybe Eunhyuk left to give him space, so that he didn’t have to kick him out directly.
Hyunsu gathers his clothes and steps out, only to find that his plan is a failure because Eunhyuk is standing in the kitchen, making coffee.
"Oh," he says, stupidly.
Eunhyuk turns around. "Oh. Good morning. You slept a long time."
Hyunsu winces. That's definitely code for, why are you still here.
"Good morning," he mumbles back. He wracks his brain for something else to say that doesn't sound absolutely stupid, or that isn't a love confession.
“I wonder how Eunyu’s night went,” he ventures. Eunyu is common ground, right?
Eunhyuk freezes. “Please don’t tell Eunyu,” he says. “She would never shut up about it.”
Ah. Okay. Hyunsu can do that. He won’t tell Eunyu.
Eunhyuk continues to mess with the coffee maker, back turned. Hyunsu wishes he could see his face. As the silence stretches longer it becomes more and more daunting for him to break. But he has to say something. He’s been hovering in the doorway for way too long already.
“Um,” he says, voice cracking in a million places, god, “I should probably go.”
His timing is awful, because at the exact same time, Eunhyuk turns around and says, “Do you want coffee?”
There’s a long pause where they just stare at each other.
Hyunsu’s palms are sweaty. Eunhyuk is being polite, right? Would it be more rude to decline? Or is this one of those things that isn’t actually a sincere offer, and it’s just a formality?
“That’s okay, then,” Eunhyuk says, after the silence has stretched on for too long. “I won’t keep you.”
It’s the outcome he wanted, but Hyunsu still feels like he’s failed a test in some way.
“Let me get your number,” Eunhyuk says. “We should do this again.”
This is the last thing he expected. Hyunsu fights down butterflies. Eunhyuk thinks they should do this again. In a daze, Hyunsu hands over his phone.
“At least last night wasn’t a total waste,” Eunhyuk says, smiling.
And that’s when everything makes sense. The butterflies shrivel up. Eunhyuk must have been annoyed that Eunyu changed plans and made him go to a party for no reason, so he tried to make the situation worthwhile. And Hyunsu was there, convenient and willing. Embarrassingly willing, he remembers with a lurch.
“Right,” he forces himself to agree.
“You’re sure you don’t want me to drive you?” Eunhyuk says, but there is no Eunyu to hold him to it this time.
“It’s fine,” Hyunsu says. “Thank you.”
Hyunsu goes home and gets high out of his mind. He lays on his bed and remembers the feeling of Eunhyuk on top of him, inside of him. He comes remembering the bruising tightness of Eunhyuk’s hands on his hips and passes out.
He doesn’t expect Eunhyuk to actually text him.
Sure, he had asked for his number, but he thought that was as some sort of precaution. Like Hyunsu was a back up plan, maybe. But maybe it’s harder to find hook ups than Hyunsu realizes, because three days later he gets a text from Eunhyuk.
This is Eunhyuk. Come over later?
It feels so impersonal. Then again, they did just hookup and have what Hyunsu tells himself is extremely impersonal sex. But maybe Hyunsu is just overthinking. This is Eunhyuk, after all. He does get straight to the point.
He doesn’t realize he’s been staring at his phone until Eunyu nudges him with her foot, saying “Hyunsu is texting?”
It’s a justified question. Hyunsu has one friend and that is Eunyu, and they’re already getting lunch together.
“Just Reddit,” he says quickly, the lie ugly in his mouth.
She wrinkles her nose. “Okay, incel. Anyway, I think Jisu might ask me out today, so I need to look extra cute.”
His phone lights up again. Eunyu won’t be home.
Right. Because she has a date with Jisu, who she tells him everything about, because they are best friends, while Hyunsu is apparently hooking up with his unrequited crush and isn’t allowed to say anything about it to anyone.
“You always look cute,” he says, and tries to put his heart into it.
Eunyu scoffs, but he knows she appreciates it. “Hyunsu is too sweet.”
Hyunsu disagrees. Feeling like the worst person alive, he taps out a simple “ok,” and hits send.
It continues to happen.
The third time, Hyunsu walks in and they don’t even make it to the bedroom. Eunhyuk pushes him against the door and sucks him off right there, and then somehow teleports them to the couch so Hyunsu can return the favor.
The fourth time is actually at Hyunsu’s place, because Eunyu is having Jisu over and has banned them both from the apartment. Hyunsu is nervous, because his apartment is pretty sparse. He doesn’t have any decorations. Or furniture, really. Just a bed that barely fits and a floor table.
“Your fridge is empty,” Eunhyuk says critically, after fucking Hyunsu in his tiny bed.
He doesn’t have any food, either.
He’s embarrassed. At least he had the time to move his depression pile of clothes off the bed and into the closet. But Eunhyuk doesn’t seem to judge him for it. He does start bringing takeout whenever he comes over, though, and then conspicuously always forgets his leftovers in the fridge. He’s too charitable, Hyunsu thinks, but doesn’t know how to ask him to stop.
It doesn’t make any sense. Hyunsu keeps expecting Eunhyuk to find someone else, or just get bored of him. But he continues to text him, and with surprising frequency. One night when he stays over, Hyunsu gets out of bed to use the bathroom and grabs the first sweatshirt he finds, which happens to be Eunhyuk’s. When he gets back to bed, after inelegantly stubbing his toes no less than three times, Eunhyuk makes him come twice more. While wearing the sweatshirt.
Hyunsu still leaves in the morning, though. He always does.
Hyunsu learns a lot about Eunhyuk. He learns that Eunhyuk does wear khakis too often, which arguably is any time he wears khakis, but that he also wears sweatpants, which is Hyunsu’s secret favorite version of Eunhyuk. He learns that Eunhyuk wears bright pink gloves when he does the dishes, and that Eunhyuk wants to become a surgeon because he genuinely wants to help people. He learns that Eunhyuk doesn’t talk often, not out of some feeling of superiority, but because he prefers to keep his thoughts to himself.
There is an exception to this. Eunhyuk does like to talk when he’s taking Hyunsu apart.
On one occasion, they go out for boba with Jisu and Eunyu. Hyunsu is deeply invested in his boba, trying not to zone out and imagine that this is a double date, when Eunhyuk squeezes his knee under the table so hard that he jumps in his seat.
“Um,” he coughs out, at Eunyu’s questioning look. “Bathroom.”
And then he runs away. He leans over the sink, taking deep breaths. He was trying so hard to keep things a secret, and here was Eunhyuk, teasing him in public. He must be a sadist or something.
The door opens, and Hyunsu is both overjoyed and devastated to see that it’s Eunhyuk.
Eunhyuk comes up behind him and presses up against Hyunsu’s back. They lock eyes in the mirror. Eunhyuk has that little smile, that self-satisfied one, and Hyunsu shivers, knowing nothing good is about to happen. He’s right. Eunhyuk reaches around and slips his hand under Hyunsu’s sweater and starts tracing maddening circles with his thumb, right over his hip. And then he starts talking.
“You’re so reactive. I barely even touched you, and you can’t even control yourself. What would people think? Do I really give you so little that you’re so desperate for it?” He clicks his tongue. “I bet you would take anything I gave you. I bet I could make you sit on my cock and not even touch you, and you would still come. I’ll sit back and watch you fuck yourself on my cock, and it won’t be enough, and you’ll get frustrated as you try to fill yourself up. Maybe you’ll even cry. But you’ll keep doing it, won’t you? Because you want it so bad.”
The whole time, Eunhyuk has been moving his thumb back and forth, over the same patch of skin. Hyunsu watches in the mirror, transfixed, as his body responds, his head tilted back onto Eunhyuk’s shoulder, neck bared, eyes half-shut but not daring to look away. He catches Eunhyuk’s eye in the mirror, and gasps.
He knows what he looks like. He’s blissed out, and Eunhyuk hasn’t even touched him yet. Eunhyuk, in contrast, looks almost unaffected, besides the possessive glint that Hyunsu has learned to recognize. He shivers.
Eunhyuk turns his head so his lips almost brush Hyunsu’s ear. “I’ll be over later. Wait five minutes before you follow me.”
And then he leaves. Hyunsu almost crumples to the floor. Eunhyuk really is a sadist.
Later, in Hyunsu’s apartment, Eunhyuk makes good on his promise. And he talks, the whole time, describing in detail everything he has thought of doing of Hyunsu, cataloging the way Hyunsu reacts to these things, hypothesizing out loud what he thinks Hyunsu will do next. Eunhyuk is a planner, a strategist, and he’s never wrong. Hyunsu is weirdly flattered that he takes up this much space in Eunhyuk’s brain. At least during the time that they’re in bed together, he gets to feel the full force of Eunhyuk’s attention.
The first time had been intense, admittedly. Hyunsu doesn’t have a lot of experience, but he’s pretty sure it’s not usually that intense with people who have just met. And yeah, he was high, but he doesn’t think it was just the weed, either. After the next few times, he realizes that Eunhyuk has actually been holding back.
He first gets the idea maybe the fifth or sixth time that they fuck. Eunhyuk is going down on him, and Hyunsu really wants to touch his hair, or his shoulders, or. But Eunhyuk catches his hand.
“Don’t touch,” he orders, and Hyunsu’s breath catches in his chest.
Eunhyuk immediately looks regretful, and embarrassed, but Hyunsu quickly spins his hand so he can catch Eunnyuk’s wrist in his own hand, locking them together. He couldn’t bear it if Eunhyuk pulled away right now.
“You can,” he swallows, “be rougher. If you want to. I won’t break.”
Eunhyuk looks at him hard. “That is something you want?”
Hyunsu’s throat feels tight, but he whispers out a “yes.”
Eunhyuk looks like he is considering it. “We have to talk about it,” he decides.
They do talk about it, after. Hyunsu can’t believe this is his life. He’s discussing sexual boundaries with Lee Eunhyuk. But this is maybe the least surprising thing that has come out of this so far, less so than discovering that quiet and reserved Eunhyuk actually has sex and is extremely good at it.
And he’s attentive. Hyunsu never feels forgotten. But it seems like that is just Eunhyuk’s personality. He’s too prideful to be half-hearted in anything he does. Of course this would extend to sex as well, and Hyunsu can see how Eunhyuk would consider his partner’s satisfaction as part of the whole equation, because that’s just how he is.
“Is there anything you want to try?” Eunhyuk asks one time, when Hyunsu is still trying to catch his breath. He’s just come so hard that his vision whited out a little, so he is having some trouble processing.
“You know,” Eunhyuk clarifies, when it’s clear that Hyunsu didn’t understand him. “Anything you want to try. Like, during sex. You can tell me.”
“No,” he answers.
Eunhyuk looks at him. Hyunsu flushes. He knows he answered too fast.
There are things that Hyunsu wants to try. Of course there are. That day in the bathroom, especially, features quite often in his thoughts at night. But one of the rules that Hyunsu set for himself is that he can’t ask for more than he is given.
And the things he wants. They aren’t things he can ask for.
When he can’t help himself, or when he really wants to torture himself, Hyunsu lets himself imagine a night where Eunhyuk knows exactly what he wants. Eunhyuk takes his time, goes almost agonizingly slow, and takes him apart piece by piece. He pins Hyunsu’s hands to the bed, but in this scenario he interlaces their fingers instead of holding his wrists. And it’s so good, it’s more than good. Hyunsu is good for Eunhyuk.
Hyunsu hates himself.
He always feels disgusting, afterward. He’s fantasizing about Eunhyuk being nice to him. As inexperienced as he is, he’s still pretty sure it’s not normal to ask your fuckbuddy for sappy as fuck vanilla sex.
Eunhyuk is still waiting for an answer, amused. So he goes with the safer option.
“That day, in the bathroom,” he says. His face is on fire. “Um. In front of the mirror.”
Eunhyuk starts kissing behind his jaw. How he can focus enough to have this conversation and make out at the same time Hyunsu will never understand. “Which part?” he asks. “The mirror, or everything I said?”
Oh. Oh. “I didn’t even think about the mirror,” he says, but now he is thinking about it. He’s thinking about it a lot.
Eunhyuk drags his teeth along his collarbone. “Well,” he says, “we can try both and see.”
It continues to happen, and Hyunsu continues to keep it a secret.
Who would he even tell? He has Eunyu, of course. And now with Eunyu comes Jisu, and with Jisu comes Jisu’s friend Jaeheon, and with Jaeheon comes his scary boyfriend. Eunyu insists that Sangwook is not actually scary, because how could anyone who uses a Sanrio keychain be scary? Hyunsu decides to believe her, because Eunyu is never wrong about people.
He gets a Sanrio keychain, too. Eunyu buys them for all of her friends, she explains, showing him her own Kuromi keychain, after she has stolen his keys and forcefully clipped it on.
“You get Chococat,” she says. “It makes sense.”
Hyunsu takes her word for that, too. He only has one key, for his apartment, but it looks less lonely and sad with the Chococat charm swinging next to it.
And that’s the thing. Hyunsu has a group of friends now. He and Eunyu still have their normal study dates and movie nights, but now they are sometimes accompanied by others. Eunyu and Jisu and Jaeheon and Sangwook, and sometimes even Eunhyuk. They have dinner together sometimes, and Jaeheon and Sangwook, who are both masters students, offer to tutor them some afternoons. Hyunsu tries not to enjoy it too much. He is half in disbelief that it’s actually happening. He supposes that if he were to tell anyone, it would be these people, who always make space for him. But Eunhyuk had said not to tell anyone, and so he doesn’t. He doesn’t want to embarrass Eunhyuk or give him a reason to end what they have. So, whenever they’re all together, he makes sure they stay far apart. He hardly even looks at him, fearful that if he were to meet Eunhyuk’s eyes that his longing would be too obvious.
He does his job too well, apparently, because one day Eunyu corners him.
“Did my brother do something?” she says.
He chokes on his veggie burger. “What?” he coughs out.
“Oh, shit, Hyunsu. Don’t die. I said, did my brother do something to make you uncomfortable?”
Hyunsu plays dumb. “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”
Eunyu sighs. “Self-sacrificing Hyunsu. You make that face whenever you’re around him, like someone’s giving you a hard time. If he ever does something, let me know, okay? He’s my brother but I’ll fuck him up for you.”
Hyunsu crams veggie burger in his mouth and asks about Jisu.
Hyunsu is stressed. It’s stressing him out.
He keeps waiting for the other shoe to drop. For Eunhyuk to grow bored of him, or find someone else. Or, the meanest side of him whispers, for Eunhyuk to reveal that it was all some sick joke. He feels awful for this, because he told himself he would stop projecting, and Eunhyuk is too kind to do something like that. He doesn’t deserve Hyunsu thinking bad thoughts about him. That was the most surprising part of all of this, finding out that Eunhyuk is kind. He’s kind in the quiet way, the same way that Eunyu is, where he doesn’t want anyone to know. It’s less surprising, in retrospect. Their first conversation had been Eunhyuk offering him his notes, when anyone could see that Hyunsu was a lost cause.
Hyunsu is panicking. He isn’t supposed to want things. But he wants Eunhyuk.
And yet, in spite of him bracing for the worst, Eunhyuk keeps inviting him over, and he keeps going. How could he say no? He’ll take whatever Eunhyuk is willing to give him.
It’s a bad day already, and Hyunsu has just woken up. He feels it, he just knows, that today is going to be a Bad Day. He doesn’t get out of bed right away, and just stares at his ceiling fan. He really needs to dust. Maybe he should just stay in bed all day.
But today is Art History. Eunyu will worry if he isn’t there.
So he drags himself out of bed. He feels resigned. If he sits on the floor for long periods of time while he puts on his shoes, then that’s okay. He forgets to eat, maybe, but that’s okay, too. He just has to get through the day.
Eunyu keeps giving him looks during their lecture. He hopes she won’t ask. He’s been jumpy all day, dropping things, stumbling into corners. He wants to go home and sleep.
So when his phone lights up with a text from “Eunhyuk,” he stares at it for a long time.
Come over tonight? it reads. It’s a simple text, but Hyunsu doesn’t even have the energy to process it. He keeps staring, zoned out, even as his phone screen turns dark, even as the lecturer moves on, droning in the background.
Does Hyunsu want to come over? He wants to see Eunhyuk. He always wants to see Eunhyuk, which is a little humiliating. But being in one sided love is pretty humiliating, he’s discovered. He’s made his peace with that.
He does want to go over, but he is also aware of how bad he looks today. He had just thrown on whatever clothes were on top of his pile, and he isn’t even sure if they’re clean. He hadn’t looked at himself in the mirror, either, knowing that it would be bad. His nails are chewed, he’s chewing on his thumb right now, and his lips are definitely chapped and gross. But maybe Eunhyuk won’t care. He hasn’t cared about the other stuff.
And there’s the other thing, too, that Hyunsu hasn’t wanted to consider. What if he does say no? What if he says no and Eunhyuk finds someone else, someone who fills this role better. Someone who remembers to eat and do their laundry. Someone who doesn’t have two crooked ribs. Someone who isn’t in love with him.
After class, after Eunyu has hugged him goodbye and reminded him that he can text her, okay, and she’ll come over no matter what, and he has mumbled an embarrassed thanks, he finds himself on the bus to Eunhyuk’s. He doesn’t even remember making the decision to go. His body is on autopilot at this point. All of him wants Eunhyuk, apparently.
Somehow, he makes it to the apartment. Eunhyuk looks surprised to open the door and see him on the other side.
“Hyunsu?” he says, eyebrows raised. Distantly, Hyunsu realizes that Eunhyuk is in sweatpants and a sweatshirt. Soft Eunhyuk. A win for Hyunsu.
“Um,” Hyunsu says, when he realizes there’s an implied question that he hasn’t answered. “You texted me?”
Eunhyuk huffs a laugh. “Yes, but you never answered.”
Hyunsu looks down at his phone, only to find that it's completely dead. “Oh,” he says dumbly. “Sorry.”
He’s made up his mind to go home when Eunhyuk sighs and grabs the front of his sweatshirt, pulling him closer. “Hyunsu,” he says, “I’m not mad. You can stay.”
Hyunsu searches his face for any trace of a lie, but he can’t find one.
“You can keep me company while I work on this lab report,” Eunhyuk says. “I need someone to help me focus.”
This one is a lie. Maybe the biggest lie Hyunsu has ever heard. He doesn’t know anyone more self-disciplined than Eunhyuk. Sometimes he wonders if he should be worried. Eunhyuk doesn’t seem to take breaks or let himself out of line even a little. Not that Hyunsu has any right to worry about him, but. He can’t help but indulge, sometimes.
Maybe their hookups can be considered breaks. Eunhyuk definitely seems to let go during sex, at least. At least Hyunsu can give him that. Or maybe Hyunsu is being selfish and letting himself believe that he’s helping to avoid feeling guilty.
“Okay,” he says. “I’ll keep you company.”
He toes his shoes off in the entryway and then follows Eunhyuk back to his room. “I only have the one chair,” Eunhyuk says, gesturing to his desk, “but I could probably do the rest of this sitting on the bed with you.”
“You don’t have to,” Hyunsu says. “I don’t mind waiting.”
But Eunhyuk is already moving his laptop and notebooks. “I don’t mind. Besides, you can’t expect me to have a cute boy in my bed and not want to join him.”
Hyunsu rolls his eyes and bites down on his smile.
Despite the fact that he has literally been naked in this bed multiple times, Hyunsu suddenly feels nervous. He isn’t sure what the expectations are this time. Should he sit against the wall? The pillow? Should he lay down? Or is that too presumptuous? Hyunsu must age fifty years in the time he spends staring down at Eunhyuk’s comforter.
Unknowingly, Eunhyuk saves him. “Sorry, but could I have the outside? I need this outlet. You can still lay down, though.”
Hyunsu lays down.
Eunhyuk stretches down next to him and continues typing, focus unbroken like nothing had changed. Lulled by the warmth of Eunhyuk right next to him, and the familiar smell of his sheets, and the quiet sounds of typing, Hyunsu falls asleep.
When he wakes up, it’s to the quiet sounds of cartoon violence and somebody playing with his hair.
He must make a noise or move or something, because the hand in his hair pauses, and he instantly feels regretful. He hasn’t even realized that he’s hummed in protest until the hand resumes, now scratching behind his ears. It feels so nice, and Hyunsu feels heartbroken that he is eventually going to have to move. He’s so comfortable.
“Hyunsu,” Eunhyuk whispers, and he blinks, still groggy. “Is this okay?”
Awareness comes in, sudden and painful. He fell asleep, in Eunhyuk’s bed. Eunhyuk had invited him over to fuck, and he basically just took a nap. He freezes, now completely and terribly awake. His eyes fly open.
His head, he realizes, is pillowed on Eunhyuk’s thigh. Eunhyuk is sitting against the headboard while Hyunsu lays next to him. Eunhyuk’s laptop is open, same as before, except now it’s pushed slightly off of Eunhyuk’s lap to make room for Hyunsu. The noise is coming from the anime that is playing on screen. He doesn’t remember moving into this position at all.
He should move. He really needs to move. Eunhyuk must be so annoyed but was too polite to push him off. The hand in his hair has stopped again, which is a dismissal if he has ever seen one.
“Hyunsu?” Eunhyuk whispers again. “Do you want me to stop?”
No. The thought of moving feels like being torn limb from limb. He never wants Eunhyuk to stop, ever. But this isn’t what Eunhyuk invited him over here for, he reprimands himself.
“Sorry,” he says, voice scratchy from sleep.
Eunhyuk thumbs at the skin behind his ear. It’s too distracting. “What for?” he asks.
Hyunsu blinks. What for? “For falling asleep,” he explains, although he thought it was obvious. “When you invited me over. I didn’t mean to.”
Eunhyuk hums. “I don’t mind,” he says, like that explains everything. Like it really is that easy. Hyunsu has no idea what’s happening. As much as it tears at him to move, he has to see what Eunhyuk is thinking. He cautiously rolls over, just enough to chance a look at Eunhyuk’s face.
He’s unprepared. Eunhyuk is already looking at him. He’s smiling, his small little smile, but not the proud one. He looks indulgent. Hyunsu doesn’t know how to handle it.
“Um,” he says, “don’t you want to… do stuff?”
Eunhyuk laughs. “‘Do stuff?’”
Hyunsu groans. “ Sex. You know what I meant.”
Eunhyuk looks at him searchingly. “Hyunsu. Do you want to have sex right now?”
“Um,” he says, again, because he is incapable of saying anything else, apparently. “Don’t you?”
At this Eunhyuk frowns. Hyunsu has no idea how he keeps fucking this up. Everything was so nice, and now he’s ruining it. He wants Eunhyuk to go back to the small smile he had earlier.
“Ignoring what I want,” Eunhyuk says slowly. “Is that what you want right now?”
What? Wasn’t Eunhyuk the one who texted him? He feels like there’s something he’s missing. It makes him feel nauseous, like there’s something hiding, ready to jump out at him. The conflict must show on his face, he’s never had a good poker face, because Eunhyuk is frowning even harder, and has stopped touching him altogether. Hyunsu is really fucking this up.
“I’m sorry,” he says, habitually.
Eunhyuk shakes his head. “Hyunsu. You don’t have anything to apologize for.”
Hyunsu has to bite down on the instinctual apology that tries to escape.
“I ordered some food,” Eunhyuk says now. “I thought you might be hungry.”
Oh. That does make sense. Maybe Eunhyuk is hungry from studying, so they’ll fuck after they eat.
Now that he knows what to expect, Hyunsu lets himself relax. Without the panic, he realizes that he recognizes the anime they are watching.
“Kuroko’s?” he mumbles.
“You know Basket ?” Eunhyuk says, surprise evident in his voice.
Hyunsu hums in response. “I like Midorima.”
Eunhyuk coughs. “Do you really?”
“Mhm.”
Eunhyuk doesn’t answer, but goes back to fiddling with his hair. Hyunsu is in serious danger of falling asleep again, but he fights it off. He can’t make the same mistake twice.
“I like Kuroko,” Eunhyuk says, after some time.
Hyunsu blinks sleepily. He’s so warm. “Really?”
“Is something wrong with that?”
Hyunsu smiles. Defensive Eunhyuk. “No. Just didn’t expect you to pick him.”
Eunhyuk traces his fingers over the shell of Hyunsu’s ear, brushes the hair out of his face. “You wouldn’t, would you,” he says quietly.
Hyunsu is too tired to puzzle over that one. On screen, Kuroko is trying to shoot the ball into the hoop and failing miserably. And yet, he keeps working towards his unattainable goal. Hyunsu can relate.
Eventually the food arrives and Eunhyuk has to get up, displacing Hyunsu from his comfortable spot. He moves to get up, too, figuring he should help carry things, or at least awkwardly hover while Eunhyuk pays, but Eunhyuk places a hand on his shoulder.
“You can stay here,” he says. He almost looks embarrassed, which is an expression that he never wears. “I can get it.”
Eunhyuk wants Hyunsu to stay in his bed. That makes sense, probably. He is there for bed-related activities. And yet, before he leaves the room, he piles two more blankets on top of Hyunsu.
Hyunsu fights to pop his head back out so he can actually breathe . He opens his mouth to complain, or ask what’s going on, because he thought he was here to take off clothes, not put on more, but he stops when he sees Eunhyuk’s face.
It’s his favorite Eunhyuk face, with the small smile that equates to him laughing. It leaves him stunned. He keeps his mouth shut.
“Here, this one’s yours,” Eunhyuk says when he gets back. “It’s tofu.”
Hyunsu blinks, then blinks again. “You got me tofu?”
“Yes. You don’t eat meat unless you have to, right?”
“Ah. Right.”
“Because it makes you sad, right?” Eunhyuk says it like he’s amused, but it doesn’t seem like he’s making fun of him.
“Right,” Hyunsu echoes him faintly. He can’t believe Eunhyuk even noticed.
“Normally I wouldn’t eat in bed,” Eunhyuk says as he breaks his chopsticks, “but you seem really comfortable. So we can stay here.”
“Oh,” Hyunsu says, and feels guilty. “Are you sure?”
“Yes. Will you come out of your cocoon, or do you want me to feed you?”
Hyunsu huffs. “It’s your fault I’m in this,” he says, but he wriggles his hands free. He’s scared Eunhyuk might actually try to feed him.
“Want to watch more Kuroko?”
Hyunsu chews his food, thinking. “The Jabberwock game?” he suggests, tentatively.
They watch Last Game. They can’t lay down because they’re eating, but they sit shoulder to shoulder, knees bumping. Hyunsu is enjoying it too much. He wants to pretend that their relationship could have moments like this all the time, eating takeout and watching overpowered teenagers play basketball.
He looks at Eunhyuk, and then startles, because Eunhyuk is already looking back at him. He pauses awkwardly, midchew.
“What’s wrong?” he says, after he forces himself to swallow, which, ow, that was not chewed all the way.
Eunhyuk smiles. “Nothing,” he says. He takes the takeout containers and sets them on his side table, and Hyunsu lets him, confused.
“I’m going to kiss you now,” he says.
Hyunsu feels a weird mix of relief and sadness. At least this is familiar ground: he knows what is expected of him when they’re making out. But he feels a pang of grief, now that this moment of domesticity is over.
It’s probably for the best, he tells himself. He shouldn’t get used to things like this.
Hyunsu continues to not tell Eunyu, and he feels like the worst friend in the whole world, but it doesn’t matter, because she is busy telling him about Jisu.
He isn’t complaining. It’s the happiest he’s ever seen her, and how could he begrudge her that? They sit in the back of Art History, and, in exchange for his daily matcha, Hyunsu listens to Eunyu talk about how Jisu cuts hair, and how Jisu can do smoke tricks, and how Jisu is really good at sex when she’s mad.
“I don’t need to know this,” Hyunsu says, choking on his cold foam.
“Who else am I supposed to tell? Eunhyuk?”
“Sangwook?”
“Fuck no.”
Jisu is also in a band, Hyunsu learns. Her band is playing that Friday at somebody’s house party, and would Hyunsu please come with Eunyu so she doesn’t have to stand in the crowd alone.
“I wondered why you remembered the cold foam this time,” he mumbles.
Eunyu grins at him.
This party is even bigger than the last one. The show hasn’t even started yet, but the house is packed. Eunyu leans up to shout in his ear that she wants to find Jisu and tell her good luck, and he nods, knowing that his voice won’t carry. He watches her vanish into the crowd and feels a weird sense of deja vu.
It’s fine, he tells himself. He’s fine. The last party went okay. More than okay, considering.
He’s just made up his mind to go outside and smoke and maybe stay there when he hears someone call his name. He freezes.
Hyunsu and parties. There’s a story there.
Hyunsu got the shit kicked out of him at a party, once.
It was in his freshman year. That year, Hyunsu hardly left his dorm unless he had to. He had lucked out and gotten a single, so he didn’t have to worry about any of the tropey roommate issues that he had heard about, like being sexiled or iced out by a roommate who didn’t like his way of doing the dishes. It wasn’t like Hyunsu had any dishes to do, anyway. He lived off of microwavable ramen and energy drinks. The single dorm was a blessing and a curse. Without anyone to keep him accountable, he sometimes didn’t sleep for days, staying up and gaming until his eyes were bloodshot and webbed with red. It was a low for him, and he knew that, but at least nobody bothered him. For the first time in his life, nobody bothered him.
There was one class that Hyunsu tried to show up to. Calculus I at 10 AM. He sat behind Lee Eunhyuk, star student, who sat with perfect posture and answered questions like it was easy conversation. Hyunsu watched with rapt attention as Eunhyuk pushed up his glasses, stared transfixed at the small smile that Eunhyuk would make when he finished a particularly difficult problem. He missed every word that the professor said.
Maybe he was too obvious. Maybe that was why.
It was the same day that Eunhyuk offered his notes. Hyunsu was still panicking, still gaping like a fish, when the professor began lecturing. Eunhyuk had turned back around in his seat and Hyunsu knew he’d lost his chance. Eunhyuk would only get annoyed if he tried to talk to him during class. Hyunsu had resigned himself to another hour and a half of fighting back sleep when he felt a tap on his shoulder.
His name was Kim Ji-hoon. He sat behind Hyunsu, but he had never attempted a conversation until then. He was loud and whispered with his friends the whole class. Hyunsu was wary of him. He had seen this type before.
“Hey,” Ji-hoon said. “I don’t really see you around campus? Do you get out much?”
Hyunsu didn’t want to answer, but he didn’t want to escalate anything. He shook his head.
Ji-hoon laughed. “Oh, you’re a homebody.” Meaning, loser. “You should come to our party! Meet some more people.”
Eunhyuk didn’t turn around, but somehow Hyunsu knew he was listening. Miffed that they were making noise, maybe. Or maybe, thinking about how Ji-hoon was right, and that Hyunsu was a homebody after all.
“Okay,” he said.
He was so stupid. He still doesn’t know why he even went.
There didn’t even seem to be a reason for it, was the thing. They called him gay, sure, before they jumped him, but they also called him other things. Gay was just an insult in the grab bag. The fact that it was true was just a lucky coincidence. He didn’t give them too much credit for making the connection.
The next day, he had Calculus again. He smoked half a bowl before he went, and when he walked to his seat, he angled his body so that his black eye and split lip wouldn’t be visible to Eunhyuk. He flopped down into his seat, ignoring the girls whispering about the weed smell, and went to sleep.
Eventually, he stopped showing up altogether.
So when Hyunsu hears Ji-hoon call his name, his heart lurches into his throat. His first thought is to run away, but it’s already too late. He’s clearly been seen. He tries anyway.
The house is unfamiliar, but Hyunsu finds a bathroom pretty quickly, and by some miracle it’s empty. He locks the door, hands shaking.
He wonders what it was about him that makes other people always see him as a target. He wonders, and he hates himself for it.
Fumbling in his pocket, he pulls out his phone. His vision is shaky, but he can still see the anime stickers that he had put on the case with Eunyu and Eunhyuk. They make him feel sick, for some reason. They’re too out of place.
He needs to call someone. Eunyu must be here, somewhere. She can call serious Jaeheon or scary Sangwook, and they can come fix this. He taps at his phone, blindly, too out of it to know what he’s doing. It rings, and then,
“Hyunsu?” It’s Eunhyuk.
Fuck. Fuck fuck fuck fuck.
“Hyunsu?” Eunhyuk repeats, more urgently this time. Hyunsu realizes he’s basically just hyperventilating into the phone. God, he’s humiliated.
“Sorry,” he mumbles. “Sorry for bothering you.”
“Hyunsu.” There are sounds of moving on the other end of the line. Eunhyuk must have been busy. Hyunsu feels horrible. “Hyunsu, you’re not bothering me. Where are you?”
“Um. Party.”
“Okay. With Eunyu, right?”
Right.
“Hyunsu.”
Oh. He needs to answer out loud. “Yes. With Eunyu.”
“Okay. Okay, thank you for answering me. Can you stay on the line with me? I’m coming to get you.”
Hyunsu wants to cry. Eunhyuk can’t see him like this. But he wants to see Eunhyuk right now, so badly. He always wants to see Eunhyuk. This is one of the facts of life.
“You don’t have to,” he says, teeth chattering. Speaking is exhausting. “Sorry. You don’t have to.”
Eunhyuk’s voice is even when he answers. “Hyunsu. Don’t apologize. I don’t mind.”
Before Hyunsu can answer, somebody bangs on the door. Hyunsu flinches so hard that the phone flies out of his hand and skitters across the floor, sliding to a stop right in front of the door.
“Cha Hyunsu,” the person outside coos. “Open the door for us, pretty please?”
Hyunsu is frozen. His limbs are so taut that they hurt. He can only stare at his phone on the floor, the call still connected.
The voice gets angrier as it is ignored. The banging resumes, and this time it doesn’t stop.
“Open the door!” they shout. “Open the fucking door, bitch!”
Normally, Hyunsu would just take it. Last year, he probably wouldn’t even have run away. He would have just stood there and gotten hit and let it happen, and gone to that place in his head where Cha Hyunsu doesn’t actually exist. It’s what got him through high school and freshman year. Even now, he can feel himself slipping into that place unbidden.
The banging grows so forceful that the door jolts in the frame. He can hear laughing on the other side, and Ji-hoon, loudest of all of them. He has no idea how long it's been. They must be making such a scene, he thinks. Everyone must hate him so much for disrupting the show. Maybe he should just open the door and get it over with.
Wracked with indecision, Hyunsu barely even notices when the banging stops. It’s quiet save the sound of his own breathing, when he hears, “Hyunsu?”
Oh God. It’s Eunhyuk.
“Hyunsu, it’s me. Can you open the door?”
He wants to. But he’s such a mess. If he opens the door, Eunhyuk will see it all.
“Hyunsu,” Eunhyuk says again. “You don’t have to open it right away. But can you tell me that you’re okay?”
Oh no. He doesn’t want them to worry. That’s so much worse.
He opens the door.
Maybe there are more people, but all he can see is Eunhyuk, with his pinched frown and stupid button up and grandpa glasses.
“Can I touch you?” Eunhyuk says, and Hyunsu is falling into him before he even finishes talking. He can’t stop shaking.
“Sorry,” he says, into Eunhyuk’s shoulder. He lets out a helpless sound, like a laugh, or maybe a sob. Eunhyuk brings up a hand and cradles the back of Hyunsu’s head, and he can’t help but gasp.
“It’s fine,” he says. Hyunsu lets himself believe that it is. He squeezes his eyes shut and hides his face in the crook of Eunhyuk’s neck, as Eunhyuk holds him up and lets him shake.
Eunhyuk takes him home. He guides him out of the party with a hand on his back, glaring at everyone who looks at them. Hyunsu keeps his gaze on his shoes. He doesn’t want to see if anyone is looking at him. They pause only for a few minutes, for Eunhyuk to inform Eunyu and Jisu that they are going home and that he’ll explain the rest tomorrow. If Eunyu is confused about them suddenly being close, she keeps it to herself, and Hyunsu is grateful.
In the car, Hyunsu tucks his hands under his legs so he won’t be tempted to reach for Eunhyuk. He stares blankly at Eunhyuk’s Badtz-Maru keychain where it rattles in the ignition. It fits him, he thinks. He doesn’t say anything, and Eunhyuk doesn’t either.
When they get home, Eunhyuk immediately ushers him into the bedroom and onto the bed. He cups his face and tilts his head this way and that, eyes hard. Looking for injuries, Hyunsu realizes, when he can collect his thoughts beyond the feeling of safety that comes with Eunhyuk’s room.
“I’m not hurt,” he whispers, and wow, his voice sounds wrecked. Eunhyuk stills. It’s the first thing he’s said since they left the party.
“You’re not?” Eunhyuk says, voice carefully measured. “Nothing happened?”
Hyunsu shakes his head.
Eunhyuk searches his eyes. “No?” And then, voice low, “They didn’t touch you?”
Hyunsu shivers. “No,” he says. “I’m fine.”
Eunhyuk seems not to hear him. He just keeps scanning Hyunsu’s face, over and over, eyebrows furrowed and jaw tense.
If he keeps looking at him like that, Hyunsu is going to cry. He covers Eunhyuk’s hand with his own. “I’m fine. I promise.”
“You didn’t look fine.”
Hyunsu looks down at his lap. His nails are already so ragged, but he picks at them anyway. Eunhyuk is still looking at him. He hopes he won’t ask. The thought of talking anymore makes him want to throw up.
Blessedly, Eunhyuk doesn’t. He’s too perceptive. Hyunsu has never been more in love with him. “Do you want anything right now?” he asks instead. “Do you want water or food?”
Hyunsu shakes his head.
“Do you want to change clothes?”
Hyunsu hesitates. He does kind of want a change of clothes. His skin feels all wrong. But the task of getting dressed feels insurmountable.
It’s like Eunhyuk can read his mind. “I’ll help you,” he says, already standing up. “You can wear mine.”
Hyunsu decides he can have a crisis about all of this later. He’s too tired to have one right now. Later, he will torture himself with memories of this affectionate Eunhyuk, but for now he sits silently and lets Eunhyuk gently maneuver him in and out of his clothes, obeying as he quietly instructs him to raise his arms or raise his hips. He puts Hyunsu into his largest sweatshirt and leaves him in his boxers.
“This is okay?” he says.
“Smells like you,” he mumbles, and wow he hopes that he’ll have forgotten that by tomorrow. He flops back onto the bed.
Eunhyuk asks, a little helplessly, “Can I hold you?”
Half asleep, Hyunsu’s “yes” is almost inaudible. But he feels Eunhyuk gather him to his chest and he sighs, feeling like everything has finally fallen into place.
But then he remembers.
Hyunsu fights to stay awake. Without the adrenaline, exhaustion is weighing heavy on him. He’s stopped shaking and now he just feels cold, on the outside, on the inside. He wants nothing more than to close his eyes. But he’s never fallen asleep in Eunhyuk’s bed without doing something more first.
“Um,” he says, and his voice sounds hoarse and awful and so unsexy.
“Go to sleep, Hyunsu,” Eunhyuk says.
He does.
When Hyunsu wakes up, he is alone in the room. It hurts. He expected it, maybe, but it’s still painful to be proven right.
He should probably sneak out. It’s the coward’s choice, maybe. Probably. But he rationalizes it away, telling himself that this way he is saving them both the trouble. He doesn’t think he could bear it if Eunhyuk told him to his face that they should stop seeing each other. The worst part is that he knows Eunhyuk would be kind about it, because that’s how he is.
It takes him a long time to get out of bed. His body is so sore, and he remembers the way all of his muscles had locked up, until it felt like they would all snap in half. It’s not an unfamiliar feeling. He can push through it.
He shuffles out into the living room, shoes in hand, expecting an empty room. He finds Eunyu sitting on the couch.
She’s wearing her Pokemon pajamas and wrapped in a giant blanket, watching a show that she doesn’t seem that invested in. She spots him immediately.
“Hyunsu!” she gasps, and he freezes, caught. She opens the blanket for him, and he crawls in next to her, helpless to tell her no.
“Hyunsu,” she says sadly. “How are you feeling?”
“I’m okay,” he says. Even his throat aches. “I’m sorry for interrupting your night with Jisu.”
It’s the wrong thing to say, somehow. Eunyu looks upset. “ Hyunsu . You didn’t do anything wrong, okay? We were worried about you. You’re more important than a dumb party.”
Hyunsu just looks down at the blanket and doesn’t answer.
“Anyway,” Eunyu says, “I’m more interested in this. ” She tugs on one of his hoodie strings. Of Eunhyuk’s hoodie.
He snaps his eyes to look at her, stomach clenching. She is smiling at him, but it looks sad.
“I mean, I know you’re both private people,” she says. “And I’m not entitled, I know. But I didn’t think I would be left in the dark about something like this.”
Hyunsu trips over himself to correct her. “No, no, it’s. It’s not like that.”
“Like what ?”
“Like,” and here his voice gets very small, “we’re not. Together. Or anything.” It hurts to say out loud, but she needs to know that he wouldn’t keep something like that from her.
Eunyu frowns. “Oh, Hyunsu.”
He can’t look at her.
She sighs. “I really do everything around here. I can’t believe I was just angry with you for keeping a secret, and now I’m helping you. Hyunsu. You were going to try and sneak out, weren’t you?”
He can’t even deny it. He’s holding his shoes and keys and his entire body screams guilty.
“Ugh, I can’t believe you. Men are so typical. You need to stay and talk to him about this.”
Hyunsu can’t think of a worse idea, and it must show on his face, because Eunyu rolls her eyes.
“I’m serious. You need to tell him. You aren’t happy, right? He wouldn’t want you to be unhappy. Whatever happened between you two, he’s still your friend.”
Hyunsu remains silent and ties his hoodie strings in knots, over and over. He knows she’s right. He’s been bracing himself for this to be over since the first time, he never expected he would ever have this much, but it still feels like his chest is caving in.
Eunyu holds his hand. “You’ve been holding this all by yourself, haven’t you?”
Hyunsu is so tired. “I’m sorry,” he says again. He doesn’t even know what for.
At that moment there comes the sound of the front door opening and closing, and somebody taking off their shoes. It can only be Eunhyuk. Hyunsu locks eyes with Eunyu, alarmed.
She smiles sympathetically. “We’ll talk about this more later,” she says. “It’s going to be okay.” She pats his leg and then slips away into her room, closing the door.
Hyunsu doesn’t have time to freak out, because Eunhyuk walks in.
He pauses when he sees Hyunsu on the couch, but if he draws any conclusions about how he looks seconds away from leaving, he doesn’t say anything. He just sets his shopping bag down on the coffee table.
“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to be gone when you woke up. I didn’t know if you would need anything, so I went to the store.”
Hyunsu peeks into the bag. Eunhyuk must have not known what was entirely wrong but wanted to cover his bases, because there’s tylenol, sports drinks, candy, and three types of cold brew coffee. Even now, Eunhyuk is too thoughtful. Hyunsu’s chest hurts. It’s a familiar feeling by now.
“You didn’t have to buy all this,” Hyunsu says.
Eunhyuk frowns, stubborn. “I didn’t know what was wrong.”
Hyunsu goes back to twisting the hoodie strings. He knows what’s coming next.
“Do you want to tell me what happened?” Eunhyuk asks.
He really does not. Eunhyuk just sighs.
“I’ll tell you what I saw, and then you can fill in the rest?”
That does seem manageable, actually. He nods.
“Okay.” Eunhyuk sighs, sinking down onto the couch next to him. “After you dropped your phone, or I’m guessing that’s what happened, I called Eunyu. She and Jisu were already looking for you, so it made it easier to find you. And then we realized you were the one in the bathroom. Eunyu yelled at everyone until they left, but we still didn’t actually know what was wrong, or if they had done something. They wouldn’t tell us.”
Eunhyuk stops talking. His voice is even, but his jaw is clenched so tightly that Hyunsu’s own aches in sympathy.
“It’s okay,” he says. “I got away before anything happened.”
It’s the wrong thing to say. “You ran away? You mean you knew something was going to happen?”
Damn it. Eunhyuk is too smart.
“Have they done this before?” And now he’s angry. This is Eunhyuk on a roll. “He was in class with us, wasn’t he? Is he the reason you stopped coming to class? That day, you came in with a black eye?”
It’s surprising how much you can learn about a person just by having regular sex with them. Hyunsu knows that Eunhyuk can see his answer in his face; he doesn’t even have to talk.
Eunhyuk’s voice is very, very even. He takes Hyunsu’s hand in his own. His right hand, with the crooked finger. “Is he the one responsible for this?”
Hyunsu shakes his head quickly. Eunhyuk really doesn’t need to stress about this. “No, no that wasn’t him.”
Eunhyuk’s eyes narrow. “Someone else?”
“It was a long time ago,” Hyunsu says. “High school.” Which was also where he acquired the two busted ribs and the scar on his cheekbone and. Well. “It doesn’t matter, anymore.”
Eunhyuk’s next words come out carefully forced through gritted teeth. “Hyunsu. Of course it matters.”
And Hyunsu doesn’t know what to say to that. He has the feeling that denying it won’t get him anywhere. But since they’re already having this uncomfortable conversation, he says,
“I understand if, um. If you don’t want to sleep with me anymore.”
Eunhyuk stills. “Hyunsu. What are you talking about?”
“I mean,” and he can’t believe Eunhyuk is going to make him say it, “I mean, um. You’ve been very kind so far, overlooking everything. But I’m such a mess. And I’ve been such a hassle.”
If Eunhyuk looked angry before, now he looks furious. “Hyunsu,” he says, very slowly. “Do you think I asked you to sleep with me because you were convenient?”
“To be fair,” Hyunsu says, because no matter how terrified he is, maybe because of how terrified he is, he can’t help but be an asshole sometimes, “you never asked me. You just told me to come home with you and I did.”
It isn’t fair. Hyunsu knows it isn’t fair as soon as he says it, and he wants to take it back. Eunhyuk may not be the most forthcoming, not the most communicative, but he’s never done something that Hyunsu doesn’t want.
Eunhyuk looks sick. It’s the most uncomposed Hyunsu has ever seen him.
“Is that what this was?” Eunhyuk says quietly. “You just doing what you thought I wanted?”
Hyunsu could hit himself. “No,” he says. “No.”
“Then what the hell are you trying to say right now?” Hyunsu wants to cringe away, but he makes himself bear it. He deserves this.
“I’m sorry,” he says, and oh no he’s going to cry. “This is coming out wrong. I know you’re not like that. But I like you. So I wanted to be with you, even if it was just sex. I’m sorry. It’s not fair.”
Eunhyuk is gaping at him. Hyunsu is making a scene, so. He should probably just go.
Eunhyuk catches him right as he gets to the door. He whirls him around and presses him back against it.
“Hyunsu,” he says, cupping his face, “Hyunsu, please look at me.”
This is too painful. Eunhyuk really is a sadist. But Hyunsu aches. He doesn’t know how to say no.
Eunhyuk’s eyes are sad. It doesn’t make any sense.
“I’m sorry,” Eunhyuk says. “I put you through so much.”
Hyunsu is already shaking his head, because no, that’s not right, Hyunsu’s the one who fucked up and caught feelings. But Eunhyuk stops him.
“Listen,” he says. “Please. I need you to know.”
Hyunsu doesn’t have the ability to deny him anything, and he hates himself for it.
“I’m so sorry. I’ve wanted you for a long time. When I invited you home after the party, I actually wanted to ask you out the next morning. But you always seemed like you wanted to leave right away, so I thought you didn’t feel the same. I didn’t want you to feel uncomfortable, so. I never said anything.”
Hyunsu feels the conflicting urge to run away and to get closer to Eunhyuk. “What are you saying?” he whispers. “Don’t joke about that right now.”
“I wouldn’t. You know I wouldn’t. Hyunsu.” Eunhyuk strokes his thumbs over his cheekbones, over and over. “I like you so much. I’m so sorry I never said. You thought wrong this whole time, didn’t you? Since what I said that first morning.”
Hyunsu squeezes his eyes shut. How does Eunhyuk just know? But he can’t. He can’t.
“I’m not even that good,” he whispers.
“Hyunsu,” Eunhyuk says. “You are so good for me.”
The words ring through him like a bell. He opens his eyes in wonder.
“What did you say?” he whispers, because he heard, but he can’t believe it. He can’t let himself believe it.
Just like always, Eunhyuk reads his mind, and knows just what he needs.
“You are,” he repeats, “so good for me, Hyunsu.”
Hyunsu can’t suppress a shiver.
Eunhyuk leans forward and kisses him, so slowly. “So good,” he whispers, as he kisses him on the cheek, behind the ear, on the neck. “Everything I want.”
Later, after Eunhyuk has pressed him into his sheets and thoroughly taken him apart, after going so slowly that Hyunsu cries, overwhelmed, after Eunhyuk talks and talks, breathing praise into every inch of him, after. Eunhyuk folds them together, and says, “Will you stay this time?”
Hyunsu doesn’t have to think about it. He says, “okay.”