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“For a dreamer is one who can only find his way by moonlight, and his punishment is that he sees the dawn before the rest of the world.”
As many people that think Oscar Wilde is overrated, there’s something inherently quaint about that quote, something that makes me feel connected to some overreaching cosmos that I can’t see, but is somehow part of me. I’m hardly a dreamer – I gave up on silly dreams and naïve hopes a long time ago – as practicality and reason are more my forte. That quote still resonates with me though; I’m hardly a dreamer, but in many ways I do see the dawn before the rest of the world – if the world is in a perpetual moonlight and the dawn is the next step I human evolution.
I am a werewolf, after all.
Most people see us as being connected to the primitive, to a historic, uncivilized past; we’re an unpleasant reminder of humanity’s origins. The truth, however, is quite the opposite – we are actually the future – the next step in human evolution, a natural progression of DNA serving our survival capacities.
“With this power, you will serve humanity – you will keep watch and warn when threats are nearby and deal with them yourself if it is needed. Your only purpose is to assist those in need of protection of forces unknown or unseen. You are, now and forevermore, a guardian to humankind; while your service is to humanity at large, you will be assigned guardianship to one person in need. When you finish your mission, you will be assigned another. You must always act and think of your ward’s safety first – you are not a normal girl, you are a guardian. To be a guardian means to always be on guard, to never let your emotions get the best of you, and to do whatever it takes to ensure the safety of your ward. By accepting the power granted to you, you are accepting these terms, and making a binding oath that you will live your life providing safety to those you are called upon to protect. Do you accept these terms?”
Ridiculous – who asks that of a 10 year old?
I did accept them though; with my parents as witnesses, glowing with pride, how could I not? Since that day, I’ve been nothing but a protector. I dedicated my life to training, learning how to hone my senses to serve the greater good. My only contact with other people, my only friends, are limited to two sources – my den and my wards.
It’s a bit lonely some times.
Getting this assignment came with significantly more freedoms – I was allowed to live amongst regular people all the time, go to classes and work on campus like a regular student. The normalcy was refreshing; I knew that there would be supernatural danger I would have to confront, but the environment was a breath of fresh air. It was something I’d never had before, and never thought I would ever get to experience.
That’s probably why I got too caught up in it all. Too caught up in my feeling for Laura, in my rivalry with Carmilla for Laura’s affections and in the gossip of the Summer Society. I’ve been alive just over two decades but I was just now finding out what it was like to live – to have friends, hobbies, dreams, all sorts of individuations that my den had spent years beating out of my head.
With no experience in these things, it got out of hand quickly.
“I’m sorry that me making my own choices is getting in the way of you doing your job”
“I don’t need another dad…I already have one”
I conflated my duty to my ward with my feelings for her, and ruined everything. I lost any chance I ever had of having her love, and I put my position as a guardian in danger. I broke my oath – I let my feeling get in the way, and it put my ward in danger and I dared to dream of a life outside of guardianship.
I am a guardian – nothing more. For the first time ever, I didn’t want that life. Then, the tipping point hit. I fought alongside a vampire – someone my den declared unnatural, a threat to humanity, and our biggest enemy. Then I went and rescued her – I dug her out and carried her to safety so she could be revived. That was unforgivable and I had no excuse they would listen to – no amount of explaining the situation, of defending her life and existence as not being inherently bad, would assuage them.
We all knew the real reason I saved her – it was for Laura. I wanted Laura to be happy, and Carmilla would give that to her. It hurt me to do it – my heart broke with every step I took – but Laura’s happiness was more important than my selfishness. I wanted her to be happy, to keep smiling – even if it wasn’t with me.
That was more selfless than anything I’d ever done as a guardian, but my den didn’t see it that way.
Excommunication was difficult, but the relief I felt when it was all over was worth it – I don’t have to play by their rules anymore. I’m finally free to live my life and explore the world at my disposal.
Wolves are pack animals by nature, but I much prefer roaming the world on my own; the lone wolf is a terrible cliché, but it’s one I embrace.