Chapter Text
Heroes of Paris (lb, we hate this name):
cn: CAUSE I KNOW I CAN TREAT U BETTER~
cn: THAN HE CAN
cn: AND A GIRL LIKE U DESERVES A
cn: GENTLEMAN
cn: TELL ME WHY
cp: AIN'T NOTHING BUT A HEARTACHE
cn: U CAN'T BE WITH ME INSTEAD~
rr: i don't think those are the lyrics
cn: that's because cara interuptted me
cp: U WOULD'VE BEEN WRONG EITHER WAY WDYMMM
lb: literally what did i say about this chat only being used for hero business?
cn: but making u my wife can help us be stronger
cn: cara and rena are dating and theyre a duo
lb: i gave you the one detail about me being a minor so you would stop asking
cn: IM A MINOR TOO
lb: exactly. no marriage.
cn: ugh
cn: ur so boring
cp: DAMNNN
lb: am i supposed to act hurt?
rr: omg i love u
cn: crying
cn: 💔💔
lb muted cn and cp
rr: LMAOOOOO
rr: deserved
cp: ------ (NOOOOO)
cn: _____________________ (WE DID NOTHING WRONGGG)
cn: --------------------- (M'LADY HOW COULD U 😔😔😔)
qb: FINALLY.
qb: thank you, holy shit
lb: trust me, i was done with it, too
Groaning, Chuuya chucked a new mission file into the fireplace of his and Dazai's temporary housing arrangements and flopped on his bed. By some sheer luck, their apartment actually had two beds instead of one, though Chuuya suspected the reasoning was to make sure the two of them didn't kill each other.
Still, it might not be enough for his sanity.
"Out of everyone in the mafia, why are we the ones doing this," he complained, voice muffled by the blanket. The bed wasn't as big as the one in his apartment, but it was still comfortable. With how exhausting their trip was, he could easily fall asleep right then and there. Unfortunately, they had a job to do, so he reluctantly forced himself to sit up and change.
The brunette grinned and immediately reached over to pat his head. Chuuya snatched his partner's bandaged hand, growling. "Don't fucking pet me and answer the question!"
Dazai sighed. "It's simple, really, something even Chuuya's tiny brain can handle." He watched as the taller reluctantly unwound his head bandages. "We're the most experienced with undercover missions." The brunette turned back to his partner with a smirk plastered on his face. "Oh, hey! At least you don't have to wear a dress agai-"
Thud. A muffled ow behind a heavy pillow could be heard.
"You said you wouldn't bring that up again, you bastard!"
"But my dear Chuuya looked so good in that dress~"
"I'm not yours!"
Dazai let out an exaggerated sigh that he knew always got under the redhead's nerves. Chuuya rolled his eyes in annoyance before snatching clothes from a box Mori provided them with. "Fine, fine. Before you burned the file, you read your cover, correct?"
Tch, "Of course I did. And I hate it." Muttering curses under his breath, the redhead shrugged a gray over-jacket on over his red shirt. "I still don't get why the Akutagawa siblings couldn't have done this instead of us, especially since they're closer in age."
"Well, darling~"
"Shut the fuck up."
"They just joined less than two years ago," Dazai answered simply. "And Gin's the only one who has been on an undercover mission, Akutagawa hasn't."
"And 'cause Mori doesn't trust them?"
"And because Mori doesn't trust them," the Demon Prodigy confirmed.
Chuuya snatched the provided photo of his cover, known as 'Nathaniel Kurtzberg', out of his box and screeched. "I'm going to murder Mori," he seethed darkly, face murderous.
"Aww, what happened?" Dazai asked with a grin on his face that told Chuuya he knew exactly what happened.
"I am not doing my hair like that, what the fuck?!"
The taller took the drawing from Chuuya and burst out a genuine laugh that temporarily gave him whiplash. "You're gonna have to re-part your hair!" Dazai taunted, cackling until he couldn't breathe.
Chuuya always hated messing up his hair for an undercover mission.
"This is so stupid," he shouted. "We're seventeen! Those 'high-school' dumbasses are going to be thirteen or fourteen! The Akutagawa's are twelve and fifteen, they're a much better fit!"
"Yes, maybe," Dazai agreed. "But it is also because the mayor of Paris made enemies with at least four French mafia organizations. He's paying Mori a lot to protect his daughter, Chloe Bourgeois, so he wants the best of the best. Besides," he grinned wickedly. "Won't it be fun for them to finally find out who we are in the end?"
The older contemplated his words and sighed reluctantly. "Yeah, I guess." Chuuya then paused at the unsettlingness of seeing two Dazai eyes, having been too mad to truly take the image in. "Hey," he called out, no sense of amusement in his voice. "Are you really okay with showing both of your eyes?"
Dazai paused. The silence told him what he wanted to know before the brunette shrugged. "It's not normal in the real world." He shook his head, sighing dramatically. "Such a shame in this cruel world..."
Chuuya rolled his eyes, noticing the subtle hint to move on from the topic. "No, really? I had no idea," he muttered sarcastically. "Ugh. Anyway. How's your role s'posed to act?"
The Demon Prodigy groaned. "I have to be a quiet, jumpy kid. He's a writer or something, so he is pretty silent."
He can't help but snort, already picturing the misfortune "Good luck with that." Then he paused, realization dawning upon him. "Wait, we're both shy kids? The fuck?!" Chuuya scrunched their paperwork for the school in his hands. "Oh, come on! If we both can't talk, then just how are we supposed to complete our goal?!"
The taller smirked. "Chuuya's so worked up about this for no reason. We can just be done with it and out of there--a get-in, get-out mission," Dazai said animatedly. He only grumbled at his partner's energy.
-
The conversation happened roughly five months ago.
To say Chuuya and Dazai were pissed was a major understatement.
Sure they had gotten good at faking French accents, made friends (who knew they would've,) mastered their alibis, and protected Chloe, but they were bored. They're in the mafia, for god's sake! Nothing exciting had even happened. They figured out who Paris's beloved heroes were so quickly, it was incredibly obvious how utterly stupid and oblivious their classmates were.
However, Chuuya did find it amusing to watch Osamu Dazai, the silver-tongued Demon Prodigy, youngest Mafia executive, stutter and jump at everything. He also thought it was funny to watch Marinette and Adrien make the stupidest excuses to hide their identities, though Adrien's were slightly better and more reasonable with him being a model and all.
Dazai, on the other hand, was completely bored. He was already smart enough to know everything being taught, getting the highest grades possible on everything, but school was pure pain to go through. Sure, he got to be a normal teenager by going to school, but he was absolutely done with it. The mafia was much more entertaining than this. He did find it hilarious how Chuuya couldn't yell and cuss like he normally did, which lifted his spirits up. Every now and then, someone would make fun of Chuuya, or, Nathaniel, for being short, and he would try hard to not blow a fuse and yell threats at everyone. Dazai, Marc, of course, laughed in the background, which led to Chuuya choking him against the wall when they were alone.
But finally, finally, Mori delivered them a letter, assigning them to find people to recruit to start a branch in France. Now all that was left was to find a way to get close to their classmates as anti-social teenage boys...
Class of Akumas:
princess: guys... i feel bad, I just realized we never added marc and nath to the chat
not_a_stalker: WE DIDN'T??
model: I've never been in a major group chat before, I didn't really know.
sk8r: not the period ✋
goth: ✋
petal: ✋
model: ??
sk8r: ANYWAYS shouldn't we add them
princess: on it
princess added marc and nath to Class of Akumas
princess changed marc to storyteller
princess changed nath to manga_god
manga_god: since when was this chat a thing?
reggie: beginning of the year, they just never added you two
storyteller is typing...
manga_god: WAIT
manga_god: NO
manga_god: NO
manga_god: STOP
manga_god: DON'T U DARE
manga_god: FUCK
princess: since when did you swear?-
sk8r: everyone but u, mari
storyteller: BOOM BOOM YEAHHHHHH SHINJU WA HITORI DE WA DEKI NAIncdcnjdcdcdccjc
glasses: Nathaniel just chucked his notebook at Marc, causing him to mistype, and banged his head on the table.
dude: i will personally murder ur punctuation and grammer
glasses: grammar*
dude: no
mini_cop: no <3*
mini_cop: you gotta have sass, nino
dude: ah ty
dude: no <3
not_a_stalker: nath, does that happen regularly?
manga_god: EVERY. FUCKING. CHAT.
model: Is Marc ok? I just asked Kagami what it meant and she asked if I was ok.
manga_god:
manga_god: don't tell them what he said
model: Kagami won't tell me either way.
manga_god: good.
storyteller: GINGER, THAT'S HURT
manga_god: as if
manga_god: and, ginger??? what type of nickname is that?
storyteller: i can't call u what i normally do, so you're ✨g i n g e r✨ now ╰(*°▽°*)╯
manga_god: NO KAOMOJI
storyteller: no~~~~~~~~
reggie: why are you guys acting like you're fluent in japanese?
manga_god: uh-
storyteller: ...
manga_god: U BASTARD, THIS IS UR FAULT WITH U SINGING IN JAPANESE
storyteller: i was bored and translated it into japanese
not_a_stalker: ...right...
goth: does anyone even know what he said?
sk8r: npe
reggie: npe
manga_god: npe
storyteller: npe
princess: npe
goth: npe
petal: npe
model: npe?
sk8r: STFU U GUYS
manga_god: i'm not saying it, good luck
storyteller: o(*￣▽￣*)ブ
storyteller: my name doesn't even make sense, what-
manga_god: AHEM
storyteller: OH
storyteller: well, idc
storyteller changed storyteller to o(*￣▽￣*)ブ
o(*￣▽￣*)ブ : better~
manga_god: BHFHEHFHJFIJFJR
o(*￣▽￣*)ブ : DID YOU JUST REALIZE YOUR NAME?
manga_god: JBEFDJIEFNEFJIERNVHRV WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU THINK
o(*￣▽￣*)ブ : HAHAHAHAHAHAHA LOSER
manga_god: HOW DO I CHANGE MY NAME?
glasses: there should be a little button that looks like a pen when you click your profile.
manga_god: NVRNJVNRVNKEVMFNVK FKMNV THE BASTARD REMOVED IT
o(*￣▽￣*)ブ : HEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEEEEEE
manga_god: U KNOW HOW I FEEL ABOUT BEING CALLED A GOD, EVEN AS A JOKE, CHANGE IT
o(*￣▽￣*)ブ : to anything i wish?~
manga_god: I DON'T CARE, JUST CHANGE IT
o(*￣▽￣*)ブ : your wish is my command~ :D
o(*￣▽￣*)ブ changed manga_god to tiny_hat_rack
tiny_hat_rack: OKAY, NO, WTF, DAZSBJDHIFSKNCN SJDVJBDV JBVBREJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJDCDSNFBHVRJLV
tiny_hat_rack: I'M SO MURDERING YOU WHEN WE'RE DONE
model: What is happening...
sk8r: IF I KNEW THIS MUCH CHAOS COULD'VE HAPPENED IF I ADDED THEM IN SOONER, I WOULD'VE