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Spider-Man: No Way Home Rewrite (AKA No Way Home but with Squirrel Girl)

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INT. HAPPY'S APARTMENT - NIGHT

After Peter is done face-timing with MJ, we hear a TAPPING at the window.

HAPPY

Who's that?

Peter glances out the window.

PETER

It's Doreen!

He starts to crawl out the window.

HAPPY

Hey, hey, what are you doing?

PETER

I'll be right back!

He crawls up to the roof, where Doreen is sitting.

(Beat)

DOREEN

So, this sucks. Ass.

PETER

Beck got you too?

DOREEN

Yup. It's not as big of a story, though. Looks like Spider-Man's beating Squirrel Girl in the popularity polls. Which I guess I should be grateful for, but... it still kinda hurts, to be honest.

PETER

Oh... sorry about that.

DOREEN

They're calling me your "accomplice" in Mysterio's murder. So that's fun.

PETER

Well, my lawyer said that he doesn't think any of the charges against me will stick, so that means you should be off the hook too. Did you get a lawyer yet?

DOREEN

Yeah, uh...

(She glances at her phone.)

"Jennifer... Walters"? I hear she's good. Dr. Banner recommended her, so...

Peter glances at her hair, and notices that it is significantly shorter than before.

PETER

Did you cut your hair?

DOREEN

Yeah, I figured that and hiding my tail would help make me a little less recognizable out in public.

PETER

But... if you go out with short hair as Squirrel Girl, then everyone's still gonna know it's you anyway.

(Beat)

DOREEN

I think I need to take a break from Squirrel Girl.

PETER

What?

DOREEN

Just for a while, until all this burns out. It's... just way too much for me to handle right now.

PETER

Oh...

(Beat)

You must have it so much worse. I mean, I only got my powers a couple years ago, but you were born like that. I can't imagine having to hide who you are for your entire life.

(Beat)

DOREEN

I've never been ashamed of who I am... But it's just... College was the first time in my life that I ever felt... normal. I had friends... like, actual, human being friends... No offense, Tippy.

Tippy-Toe squeaks, as if to say, "none taken."

DOREEN

I felt like I really belonged somewhere for once... I wanted the chance to just be Doreen... even for just a little bit longer... And now it's gone.

(Beat)

PETER

Doreen, I am so sorry I got you wrapped up in all this-

DOREEN

Hey, hey, don't. I would do it all over again. I will always be here to help you. And I'm not just saying that as your co-worker; I'm saying it as your friend. Okay?

Peter nods.

PETER

Thanks.

(He sighs.)

It's my first day of senior year tomorrow...

DOREEN

That'll be fun.

PETER

Now I gotta start applying to college. I'm so freaked out; I want to get into MIT so badly...

DOREEN

I mean, hey, if that doesn't work out, there's always...

PETER

...Empire State, yeah, yeah, I know.

DOREEN

Did you at least apply?

PETER

Yeah. I did. For your sake.

DOREEN

Thanks. I'm just teasing, though. I hope MIT works out for you.

(She stands up.)

Alright, I gotta get going. Hey, let me know if anyone gives you a hard time tomorrow so I can beat them up for you. Because I will do it!

She leaps off into the night.

EXT. BRIDGE - DAY

After Doc Ock appears, Peter begins fighting him. Doc Ock uses one of his tentacles to choke Peter. Suddenly, Doreen shows up wearing a new red and silver vibranium suit. She knocks Doc Ock's tentacle away, freeing Peter.

PETER

Thanks! Hey, I thought you said you were taking a break!

DOREEN

Yeah, well, that was before you almost got yourself killed by Mr. Tentacles over here!

They start running towards Doc Ock.

PETER

That's a cool new suit! Is that vibranium?

DOREEN

Can we talk about this later, please?!

DOC OCK

Well, well, well, Peter, did you get yourself a new girlfriend?

PETER

Wha-huh?! No, no, no, she's not my...

DOREEN

He's in high school; I'm in college. That's just weird...

Suddenly, the vice chancellor's car starts to collapse.

PETER

U-Uh... I'm coming, ma'am!

He rushes towards the car. Doc Ock starts to go after him, but Doreen blocks him.

DOREEN

Wait!

(Beat)

Did you know that 11 is 3 in binary?

(Beat)

DOC OCK

What?

DOREEN

Yeah! See, to count in binary, you start with 0, then you go to 1. Then, to add another digit, you go from 1 to 10, since 1 is your last counting number. So instead of 1, 2, 3, it's 1, 10, 11-

DOC OCK

Yes, I know how to count in binary, you annoying little-

DOREEN

Let's add more digits! Count it with me! 100, 101, 110... See?! We're learning so much today!

Doc Ock shoves her out of the way with his tentacle and heads for Peter.

DOREEN

Oh, shit...

She rushes towards Doc Ock and smacks him with her tail. He grunts and grabs her with one of his claws, but she wriggles out. Peter uses his tentacles to prop himself up as he holds onto the Vice Chancellor's car with his web. He leaps down to her.

PETER

Ma'am? Stay calm! Are you okay?!

VICE CHANCELLOR

No!

Doc Ock suddenly yanks Peter away with his tentacles.

PETER

I'm coming! I've... got this all under control...

Doreen battles a few of Doc Ock's tentacles while Peter struggles with the other half. Doc Ock suddenly pins Peter to the underside of the bring and yanks off the chest piece of his suit. We hear a mechanical voice from the suit.

VOICE

Suit compromised.

Doc Ock examines the piece as he incorporates it into his tentacles.

DOC OCK

Nanotechnology... You've outdone yourself, Peter... I underestimated you... But now, you die.

DOREEN

No!

Before she can stop him, Doc Ock tries to stab Peter, but his suit protects him, and his face is revealed. Doc Ock scowls and brings Peter closer to him, taking his glasses off.

DOC OCK

You're not Peter Parker...

Peter groans.

PETER

I am so confused right now...

One of Doc Ock's tentacles suddenly starts moving.

DOC OCK

What's happening?

VOICE

New device detected.

A holographic image of Doc Ock's tentacles pops up on Peter's wrist. Peter begins tapping a few buttons.

VOICE

Pairing new device.

Peter begins moving Doc Ock's tentacles.

DOC OCK

You don't listen to him; you listen to me!

Peter begins waving his hand around as the tentacles follow his movements. He and Doreen laugh.

PETER

Hey!

He starts making the tentacle wave, and uses it to bring the Vice Chancellor's car back up to safety. Doc Ock tries to strike Peter with his hand, but Peter dodges. Doreen grabs Doc Ock's hand.

DOREEN

Uh-uh. I don't think so, pal.

Doc Ock growls in frustration as Peter rises.

DOC OCK

Hey. Hey! Listen to me! No, not him! Me!

Peter brings the car to the ground and Doreen opens the door.

PETER

Ma'am, you okay? Come on, you can still make your flight!

The vice chancellor glances at him in shock.

VICE CHANCELLOR

Peter... You're a hero.

PETER

No, well, I mean... no, I'm...

VICE CHANCELLOR

I'm gonna talk to admissions about your friends... and I'm gonna talk to them about you.

Doreen grins at Peter.

PETER

Wait, ma'am, ma'am, this isn't about me...

DOREEN

Peter, Peter, let the nice lady talk...

VICE CHANCELLOR

I am going to talk to them about your friends and you. Okay?

PETER

Really?

VICE CHANCELLOR

And if you keep your noses clean, maybe you'll have a fair shot. Here.

(She tosses her purse at Peter.)

Get out of the way. Let me get that man.

(She barges towards Doc Ock.)

You! I see you... Come here! That was not okay... Unbelievable...

Doreen smirks. Peter approaches Doc Ock.

PETER

Who are you-

Before he can finish his question, Doc Ock tries to punch him.

PETER

Hey! Hey, hey, hey! Can you stop trying to kill me?

(He opens his pocket.)

I'm in control, buddy. Of this whole... tentacle situation you got going on here. Okay? Now who are you? What is going-

Peter's spider-sense suddenly goes off, and he turns away.

DOREEN

Peter... You're making the face. I don't like when you make that face; what's going on?

One of the Green Goblin's bombs suddenly lands on the bridge. Peter and Doreen jump as it goes off. The GREEN GOBLIN suddenly flies in, cackling.

DOC OCK

Osborne?

DOREEN

What is he wearing?!

As the Green Goblin flies in, one of Dr. Strange's portals sends Peter to the undercroft, leaving Doreen behind.

INT. SANCTUM SANCTORUM - DAY

Peter walks in with Doreen, MJ, Ned, and Nancy, who is wearing a hand-knitted sweater that reads "I <3 MY CAT."

NED

Whoa... I can't believe I'm in the Sanctum Sanctorum...

STEPHEN

Neither can I...

NED

So... How did you know you were made of magic? Because my Nana says that we have it in our family, and sometimes I get these tinglings in my hands...

STEPHEN

You should talk to your physician.

MJ

Peter! Hey!

PETER

Hey!

They hug.

PETER

I'm so sorry for dragging you into this. You just gotta help me find these guys...

MJ

Peter, you don't have to apologize, okay? You got us a second shot at MIT.

NANCY

So, what exactly is going on here?

STEPHEN

He screwed up a spell trying to get his friends into college.

NED

Wait, you did that with magic? I thought you talked to the vice chancellor...

PETER

Yeah, that was after... Look it doesn't matter-

NANCY

What do you mean you "screwed up" the spell? What happened?

STEPHEN

We started bringing in people from other universes.

Doreen's eyes widen.

NANCY

O-Other universes? As in, like, the multiverse?

STEPHEN

Yes.

NED

Whoa... That's so cool...

STEPHEN

And dangerous. I've read up on all kinds of different dimensions, alternate versions of reality, but the multiverse is one big gray area. So the best thing to do is-

DOREEN

I might... actually be able to shed some light on all this. The... the multiverse, I mean...

Stephen raises an eyebrow.

DOREEN

I think the Peter these guys are looking for is from an alternate timeline. So... he's you, but he's also not you.

Peter stares blankly at her.

DOREEN

Okay, that didn't really make any sense, um... How do I explain this...?

We cut to later, where Doreen is drawing on a whiteboard as the others watch. She draws out the main timeline.

DOREEN

So... We are on what is considered the main timeline. But...

(She begins drawing out branch timelines.)

Sometimes, things can happen that aren't supposed to happen. These are called Nexus Events, and they create branch timelines. Now, in these timelines, there can be alternate versions of people on the main timeline called "variants."

PETER

So... You think the "Peter Parker" these guys are looking for...

DOREEN

... is a variant of you. Yes. And variants can have slightly different lives, different appearances, but they are all still fundamentally the same entity. So, MJ, in an alternate universe, another version of you could be... say, a white chick with red hair.

MJ raises an eyebrow, and Doreen shrugs.

DOREEN

I'm just throwing some examples out there.

STEPHEN

So, how do you know all of this?

DOREEN

Uh... Funny story... So, uh... After my identity got leaked, I kind of had a bit of an internal crisis... You know, as one does, so I may or may not have hacked into Tony's time travel machine to go to the 1970's...

STEPHEN

I'm sorry, what?

DOREEN

I was careful! I just wanted to get away for a little bit... Anyway, so, I called my friend Loki for a little bit of help, and, um... it turns out he wasn't actually supposed to still be alive, so he kind of caused a nexus event... Um... and he got arrested by these people called the TVA...

NED

The... TVA?

DOREEN

Yeah, it was their job to eliminate branch timelines and maintain the main one.

(She erases a few of the branch timelines she drew.)

And they did that by capturing variants like Loki. Now... to erase the branch timelines, they would either erase the variant's memory and force them to work for them, or... they would send them to die.

MJ

Wow... That sounds... awful.

DOREEN

It was. Which is why Loki destroyed them.

Everyone stares at her in shock.

DOREEN

So now...

(She gestures to her diagram of the multiverse.)

The multiverse is open... Yay...

Doreen puts her marker down and joins the rest of the group.

STEPHEN

I'm sorry... You're telling me all of this is happening because you and your little god of mischief friend decided to mess around with the very fabric of reality?

DOREEN

Hey, don't throw all of the blame on us! You still cast that spell to bring all these guys here! And besides, the TVA took away people's free will, so destroying it was the right thing to do.

STEPHEN

And in doing so, you've unleashed something far more dangerous. Besides, since when does Loki ever want to do the right thing?

DOREEN

Hey, Loki might be a dick sometimes, but he's not a monster!

NANCY

To be fair, she does also think Loki's super hot.

DOREEN

Wha... Um... N-No I don't...

NANCY

You were literally sketching pictures of him in lecture the other day-

Doreen quickly covers Nancy's mouth.

DOREEN

Shut up, Nancy...

(Beat)

STEPHEN

I need an aspirin...

EXT. FOREST - NIGHT

Peter and Doreen hunt for Electro and Sandman while MJ, Ned, and Nancy watch from the undercroft. As Peter and Doreen walk around, we suddenly see a quiet FLASHING behind Doreen. She slowly turns around to see ELECTRO beginning to charge up. Startled, she tries to whack him, but he only fries her tail. Peter whirls around as she gasps.

DOREEN

He singed the fur... NOBODY SINGES THE FUR!!!

Electro begins to shoot electricity as Peter and Doreen dodge while MJ, Ned, and Nancy yell instructions at them.

PETER

Guys! This is NOT HELPING!

Doreen yelps as Electro shocks Peter with a blast and he falls to the ground. Before Electro can shock Peter again, the SANDMAN shows up and blocks it.

PETER

Whoa!

SANDMAN

Peter! It's me! Flint Marko! You remember?

PETER

U-Uh, I'm Peter, but I'm not your Peter...

SANDMAN

What do you mean, you're not my Peter? What the hell is going on?

(He turns to Doreen.)

And who's she?

Doreen gives an awkward wave.

DOREEN

Hello...

PETER

I'll explain everything, but first, can you help me stop this guy?

SANDMAN

Okay!

PETER

You try to surround him, and we'll pull the plug! Let's go!

Sandman surrounds Electro while Peter uses his webs to knock down the transmission towers. Meanwhile, Doreen's squirrels begin chewing on the lines.

DOREEN

Hey, guys, careful! Don't get-

Before she can finish her sentenced, one of the squirrels gets shocked, causing its fur to stand up on end.

DOREEN

...shocked...

She holds the squirrel in her hand.

DOREEN

You okay?

The squirrel chirps and nods as she smooths down its fur.

SANDMAN

I can't hold it much longer!

Finally, Peter and Doreen are able to bring the towers down, causing Electro to lose his electricity. Peter takes off his mask.

SANDMAN

Different Peter. Weird.

PETER

Thanks.

He tries to high-five him, but accidentally takes his hand off.

PETER

Sorry.

SANDMAN

Don't worry about it.

Electro wakes up, now naked and back in his human form.

DOREEN

Gah!

She shields her eyes. Electro examines the few sparks left flowing from his hands.

ELECTRO

I got my body back...

PETER

Hey, um... This is gonna sound really crazy, but, uh... This isn't your universe.

ELECTRO

Another universe?

PETER

Uh-huh.

SANDMAN

What?

ELECTRO

That's what I was feeling... The power... It's different... I like it...

His eyes start to glow.

SANDMAN

Easy, buddy...

PETER

It's actually my fault that you're here...

ELECTRO

The universe? Or the woods? I hate the woods...

PETER

I meant the universe... sir.

ELECTRO

So what? Y'all just gonna stand there and act like I ain't butt-ass naked?

SANDMAN

I am.

DOREEN

Nope, I've been trying very hard not to look at you for the past minute...

Peter tosses some clothes to Electro.

DOREEN

Okay, Peter, why don't you... uh, take care of them? We'll take care of the transmission towers. That we just destroyed.

The squirrels sulk.

DOREEN

Don't give me that, guys, come on! We don't want people to blame this on Peter again...

INT. THE UNDERCROFT - DAY

Peter and his friends are talking with the villains, who realize that they will die if they return to their universes. Doctor Strange reappears in the undercroft, holding the box. Norman turns to him.

STEPHEN

Oh, great. You caught another one.

PETER

No, no, no, wait! Strange, he's not dang-

Before he can finish, Strange transports Norman to one of the cells.

PETER

It's okay, um...

(He frowns when he glances at the box.)

What is that?

STEPHEN

It's an ancient relic. The Macena Acadavis. It trapped your corrupted spell inside, and once I finish the proper ritual, it will reverse the spell, and send these guys back to their universes.

DOC OCK

And then what? We perish?

ELECTRO

Nah, no thanks. I'll pass on that.

NORMAN

Let me out of here! Peter!

(Beat)

PETER

Strange. We can't send them back. Not yet.

STEPHEN

Why?

(Beat)

PETER

Well, some of these guys are gonna die.

STEPHEN

Parker... It's their fate.

Doreen looks aghast.

DOREEN

Their "fate"? You know what you sound like? The TVA told me the same thing.

STEPHEN

Yeah, well, maybe your little "TVA", whoever they are, were right. You and Loki brought chaos to the multiverse all because you can't accept that there are some things that you just can't change.

DOREEN

That's bullshit, Stephen. Everyone can change.

Stephen shakes his head.

STEPHEN

Not everyone.

(Beat)

I'm sorry. If they die, they die.

He begins the spell to open the box. Peter looks at his friends nervously.

NORMAN

Peter!

Before Strange can finish the spell, Peter uses his webs to grab the box.

INT. THE UNDERCROFT - DAY

After Peter defeats Strange, he runs back through the portal. Ned, MJ, Doreen, and Nancy rush up to him.

NED

Dude, what happened?!

DOREEN

Are you okay?!

PETER

I just had a fight with Dr. Strange, and I totally won!

NED

What?!

Peter holds up the sling ring.

PETER

Look, and I stole his ring thing!

Ned takes it.

NED

Whoa!

Peter takes off his mask.

PETER

Uh... We went through the city and then I went through this massive mirror thing... and then I was back in-

MJ

Where is he?

PETER

Uh, he's trapped, but I'm not sure for how long...

Nancy laughs.

NANCY

Oh, you're definitely screwed when he gets back...

DOC OCK

You could've just left us to die... Why didn't you?

(Beat)

MJ

'Cause that's not who he is.

Peter smiles at her, then turns back to the villains.

PETER

I think I can help you guys...

DOREEN

Yeah! It sounds like you guys were all the victims of science experiments gone wrong, so... if we can fix what happened to you, then maybe when you go home, you'll have a second shot!

ELECTRO

What do you mean, "fix us"?

PETER

Look, our technology is advanced. I-

NORMAN

I can help you. You know, I'm something of a scientist myself. Octavius knows what I can do.

DOC OCK

"Fix us"? You mean like a dog? I refuse.

DOREEN

Oh, come on, Otto! It'll be fun! Science is always fun!

Doc Ock scowls at her.

PETER

I can't promise you guys anything... but at least this way you actually get to go home and have a chance. A second chance! I mean, come on, isn't that worth trying?

LIZARD

Trust me, Peter. When you try to fix people, there are always consequences.

PETER

I mean, you don't have to come.

(Beat)

I also didn't know that you could talk. But if you stay here... you're gonna have to deal with the wizard.

LIZARD

Ah, so we go along or die. Not much of a choice, is it?

NANCY

I mean... What's the alternative? Being stuck in a random universe you don't know?

SANDMAN

She's right. I just want to go home.

ELECTRO

Well, I myself don't want to be killed, especially by a guy dressed like Dungeons and Dragons, so... what's your plan?

(Beat)

PETER

I... have it all under control...

(He turns back to the others.)

What are we gonna do about this thing?

MJ

Uh... well... we need to... find somewhere safe for it, right?

NED

Yeah...

PETER

(to MJ)

You gotta take it.

MJ

Wait, what?

PETER

If something bad happens, I'll text you, and then you just push this, and then it's all over, and they'll all be gone-

MJ

Peter, we're going with you! We're not gonna leave you!

PETER

You can't come with me! It's too dangerous! You guys have already done enough-

NED

Peter, we're in this together.

PETER

I know that we're in this together, but I can't do this if I know that you're in danger. Okay? So, for me, MJ, please just take this. Doreen and I can find a cure... I need the rest of you to watch over this.

(Beat)

MJ

Okay.

She takes the box.

PETER

Thank you.

MJ

But Peter, I swear, if I don't hear from you, I'm pressing the button.

(Beat)

PETER

Sure.

MJ

Okay.

(She turns to the villains.)

And I will do it...

NANCY

Oh, she will. You don't mess with MJ.

ELECTRO

Yeah, we all believe you, Michelle...

LIZARD

No way that's his girlfriend, no way...

INT. HAPPY'S APARTMENT - NIGHT

Peter and Doreen enter the apartment with the villains.

DOC OCK

So this is your plan, Peter? No lab, no facilities, just performing miracles in a condominium? Hmm? What, you're gonna cure us and cook us some frozen burritos in a microwave?

DOREEN

Wait, do you actually want some burritos? Because I could make some...

DOC OCK

Will you stop being so irritatingly nice?!

DOREEN

Okay, I was just offering...

We cut to later where Doreen is on the phone in a separate room.

DOREEN

Okay, so... do you think this will work, though? Like, hypothetically, once we send them back?

(Beat)

Yeah, yeah, we're just gonna cure them and then send them back.

(Beat)

Awesome! I knew it! See? The multiverse can stay open, and if any issues come up, we can handle it!

(After a pause, she frowns.)

Hey! It's not "over-confidence"! It's "thinking positively"! You're not getting invited to my graduation party with that attitude!

(She laughs.)

I'm just kidding, Moby, of course you're invited. You still have your tem-pad, right? So traveling to... you know, another universe won't be a problem?

(She smiles.)

Awesome! Thanks, Moby! Oh, and send me more pictures of your jet ski!

She hangs up and heads to the other room, where Peter and Norman are working.

DOREEN

Good news! I just talked to one of my friends from the TVA, and he says that he thinks our plan's gonna work!

PETER

Seriously?! That's great!

DOREEN

You know, if we can cure everybody first...

PETER

Well, we're working on that right now.

After Doc Ock is cured, Doreen checks on Electro to make sure his cure is working. He fidgets uncomfortably.

ELECTRO

Something feels off...

DOREEN

You're not in any pain, are you?

ELECTRO

No, just... I don't like this...

DOREEN

Hey, well, just leave it alone, okay? It'll only take a minute.

Peter's spider-sense suddenly goes off. He walks around the apartment as others ask him what's wrong.

DOREEN

Peter? Peter, are you okay?

ELECTRO

Why are you looking at me like that?

After a pause, he suddenly webs Norman's hand to the wall.

DOREEN

Peter, what are you doing?!

Norman, who has now become THE GREEN GOBLIN, smirks at him.

GREEN GOBLIN

That's some neat trick... That sense of yours...

DOC OCK

Norman?

GREEN GOBLIN

Norman's on sabbatical, honey...

ELECTRO

The hell?

PETER

The Green Goblin...

He glances at Aunt May and Doreen nervously.

GREEN GOBLIN

No more darker half? Did you really think that I'd let that happen?

Doreen slowly starts to unleash her knuckle spikes. Peter grabs her hand as if to stop her. She nods at him.

GREEN GOBLIN

That I'd let you take away my power just because you're blind to what true power can bring you?

PETER

You don't know me.

GREEN GOBLIN

Don't I? I saw how she trapped you... Fighting her holy moral mission... We don't need you to save us... We don't need to be fixed!

(He turns to Electro.)

These are not curses...

Electro looks down in uncertainty.

DOREEN

Max...?

GREEN GOBLIN

They're gifts...

DOC OCK

Norman, no...

GREEN GOBLIN

Lapdog!

PETER

You don't know what you're talking about...

GREEN GOBLIN

I watched you from deep behind Norman's cowardly eyes... Struggling to have everything you want... While the world tries to make you choose... Gods don't have to choose... We take.

PETER

May... run.

All hell breaks loose. As the Green Goblin attacks Peter, Electro uses his powers to shove Doc Ock out the window.

DOREEN

No!

She jumps out the window and grabs him as he falls. He uses his tentacles to clutch onto her as she claws the building walls with her knuckle spikes, trying to slow their fall. Eventually, they land, with a crowd of squirrels holding Doc Ock up.

DOREEN

Are you okay?!

Doc Ock looks at the squirrels in amazement.

DOC OCK

You... saved my life... Thank you...

Doreen smiles.

DOREEN

You don't have to thank me, Otto!

(Beat)

It... is okay if I call you that, right?

Doc Ock smiles.

DOC OCK

That is my name after all... I'm sorry for how cruel I was to you... I wasn't myself...

DOREEN

It's okay! Really, I get it.

They suddenly see Electro escaping and fleeing into the city.

DOREEN

Uh... I should... probably go after him... um...

(She hands him her apartment key and a scrap of paper.)

Here, go to my apartment. It's this address here. You'll be safe there until all of this is over.

DOC OCK

What? But I can help you!

DOREEN

No, please, don't put yourself at risk! Just go! Keep yourself safe!

Before Doc Ock can protest, she rushes off.

INT. NED'S APARTMENT - NIGHT

After Aunt May dies, MJ, Ned, and Nancy are waiting in Ned's apartment. They all jump when they hear a knock on the door. They quickly open it to see Doreen standing there, panting and covered in soot.

DOREEN

I... I lost them... I don't know where they are... They got away-

NANCY

Hey, hey, it's okay...

(She hugs her.)

Just come in.

MJ

Any word from Peter?

DOREEN

No... I... I don’t know... I’m sorry...

(After a pause, she turns to Nancy.)

Oh... I sent Otto to our apartment, so... heads up if there's like tentacle parts lying around, that's why...

Nancy lets out a weak laugh.

NANCY

That's fine, D...

Doreen sighs as she sits down. MJ looks at the box.

MJ

I'm gonna press it.

NED

Wh-What? No...

DOREEN

W-We aren't finished yet-

MJ

I know he told me to wait, but... I'm gonna do it.

NED

I just wish... I just wish we could see him...

A faint hint of a portal suddenly appears in the room. Everyone stands up.

MJ

Ned...

NED

Yeah?

MJ

Do that again...

NED

Yeah...

Ned waves his hands around again.

NED

I just wish we could see him...

A faint portal appears again, then vanishes.

NED

Okay...

(He forms a more complete circle with his hand.)

I just wish we could see Peter...

A portal suddenly opens. We see the outline of SPIDER-MAN...

Ned's Lola gasps.

NED

Whoa...

NANCY

Ned, you did it!

Ned's Lola begins speaking to him in Tagalog.

NED

You're right... I am magic...

MJ squints at the silhouette.

MJ

Is that him?

NED

Yeah, yeah, it has to be...

They begin calling out to him. Everyone suddenly freezes when the Spider-Man that appears is not their Peter, but rather ANDREW GARFIELD'S SPIDER-MAN. Ned's Lola begins screaming.

GARFIELD'S SPIDER-MAN

Hi...

Ned's Lola begins chucking pillows at him.

GARFIELD'S SPIDER-MAN

No, no, no, it's okay, it's okay, I'm a nice guy...

He takes off his mask.

(Beat)

MJ

Who the hell are you?

GARFIELD'S SPIDER-MAN

I'm Peter Parker...

MJ

That's not possible...

GARFIELD'S SPIDER-MAN

I am Spider-Man... in my world... but then, yesterday... I was... I was just here...

Doreen gasps.

DOREEN

Ooh, ooh! See?! See?! These are the variants I was telling you guys about!

Garfield's SM walks around the room.

GARFIELD'S SPIDER-MAN

Wow... String theory... Multidimensional reality... And matter displacement... All real?

Doreen and Nancy grin and nod while MJ and Ned look baffled.

DOREEN

Mm-hmm!

GARFIELD'S SPIDER-MAN

Knew it!

NED

This has to be because of the spell...

GARFIELD'S SPIDER-MAN

The spell? Like, magic spell?

NED

Uhh, there's no spell...

MJ

There's no spell...

GARFIELD'S SPIDER-MAN

Magic's real in this universe too?

NED

Well...

MJ

Shut up, Ned.

NANCY

I mean, it's complicated...

MJ

Shut up.

NED

I mean, there's not magic magic...

MJ

Shut up!

(She turns back to Garfield's SM.)

Prove it.

GARFIELD'S SPIDER-MAN

Prove what?

MJ

That you're Peter Parker.

GARFIELD'S SPIDER-MAN

I... don't carry an ID with me... You know, it kinda defeats the whole anonymous superhero thing...

MJ tosses a roll of bread at him and does a defensive pose.

(Beat)

GARFIELD'S SPIDER-MAN

Why'd you do that?

MJ

I was trying to see if you have the tingle thing...

GARFIELD'S SPIDER-MAN

I have the tingle thing, just not for bread...

MJ lifts another roll of bread.

GARFIELD'S SPIDER-MAN

Could you not... throw the bread again? You're a deeply mistrusting person... And I respect it.

He jumps up and clings to the ceiling with one hand. MJ does her best not to look impressed.

MJ

Crawl around.

GARFIELD'S SPIDER-MAN

Crawl around?

MJ

Yes.

GARFIELD'S SPIDER-MAN

No...

MJ

Yes, crawl around.

GARFIELD'S SPIDER-MAN

Why do I need to crawl around?

MJ

'Cause it's not enough.

GARFIELD'S SPIDER-MAN

This is plenty.

MJ

No it's not.

GARFIELD'S SPIDER-MAN

Yes it is.

MJ

No it's not.

GARFIELD'S SPIDER-MAN

Yes it is.

MJ

No it's not.

NANCY

I mean, honestly? I'm convinced.

GARFIELD'S SPIDER-MAN

See? She says she's-

MJ tosses another roll of bread at him.

MJ

Do it.

Ned's Lola begins speaking Tagalog again.

NED

My Lola was asking if you could just... get the cobweb up there... Since you're, like, up there...

GARFIELD'S SPIDER-MAN

Yeah, sure!

He crawls to the other end of the ceiling and brushes the cobweb off.

NED'S LOLA

Thank you.

Garfield's SM drops to the ground.

GARFIELD'S SPIDER-MAN

We good?

MJ

For now.

Garfield's SM looks confused as the portal closes.

NED

So... I opened the wrong portal to the wrong Peter Parker...

MJ

Yeah, I... I guess you just keep doing it until we find the real one.

GARFIELD'S SPIDER-MAN

Ouch.

MJ

No offense.

NED

Okay...

Nancy pats Ned's back.

NANCY

You got this.

Ned starts to open another portal.

NED

Find Peter Parker...

GARFIELD'S SPIDER-MAN

What's the thing on his hand?

MJ shushes him.

NED

Find Peter Parker... Find Peter Parker!

Another portal opens up and TOBEY MAGUIRE'S SPIDER-MAN steps through.

NED

Great, it's just some random guy...

Maguire's SM waves at them awkwardly.

MAGUIRE'S SPIDER-MAN

Hello. Uh... I hope it's okay, I just came through this, uh...

The portal closes.

MAGUIRE'S SPIDER-MAN

It just closed...

(Beat)

MJ

You're Peter...

MAGUIRE'S SPIDER-MAN

Yeah... Peter Parker.

(He glances at MJ, Ned, Doreen, and Nancy.)

I've... seen you four...

He glances at Ned's Lola, who waves.

MAGUIRE'S SPIDER-MAN

Hi...

(He freezes when he sees Garfield's SM.)

Wait, he's not your friend...

There is a long pause. Suddenly, both Spider-Men flip around and shoot webs at each other. After a pause, they grin.

NED

Wait, so you're Spider-Man too, why didn't you just say that?

MAGUIRE'S SPIDER-MAN

I generally don't go around... advertising it... it kinda defeats the whole anonymous superhero thing...

GARFIELD'S SPIDER-MAN

I just said that...

MJ

That's what he just said...

Ned's Lola begins speaking Tagalog again.

NED

My Lola asked-

NANCY

She was asking if you guys could clean up the webs you just shot.

Everyone looks at her in surprise.

NANCY

What? I took a Rosetta Stone course on Tagalog.

Ned looks at her dreamily.

NED

You did?

GARFIELD'S SPIDER-MAN

Oh, yeah, sorry...

NED'S LOLA

I'm going to bed...

INT. SCHOOL LABORATORY - NIGHT

The Spider-Men and Peter's friends are working on cures for the villains. The other Spider-Men look surprised when Doreen approaches them with baskets full of cookies and other treats.

MAGUIRE'S SPIDER-MAN

Uh... wow, what's all this for?

DOREEN

I made you guys some "welcome to our universe" gift baskets!

(She hands them to Garfield and Maguire.)

Peter... and Peter!

(She turns to Holland's SM.)

Uh... Sorry, I didn't make you one... 'Cause, you know, you... already live in this universe.

Garfield's SM looks at Holland's SM in amazement.

GARFIELD'S SPIDER-MAN

Are all the superheroes in your universe this nice? She's so nice!

DOREEN

Aww, thank you!

We cut to later. Doreen slowly scoots her chair up to Maguire and Garfield.

DOREEN

Um... So... You know, just out of curiosity, um... There wouldn't happen to be any Squirrel Girls in your universe, would there?

MAGUIRE'S SPIDER-MAN

Uh... No, I don't think so...

GARFIELD'S SPIDER-MAN

Not... Not that I know of...

(Beat)

DOREEN

Damn...

MAGUIRE'S SPIDER-MAN

So, how exactly did you get your powers, anyway? Were you, like, bitten by a radioactive squirrel?

DOREEN

Uh, no, I was actually born like this...

MAGUIRE'S SPIDER-MAN

Really?

DOREEN

Yeah, altered DNA. The doctors aren't really sure how it happened...

MAGUIRE'S SPIDER-MAN

Fascinating...

Ned hands Peter his web cartridges.

NED

Here's your web cartridges.

PETER

Oh, thanks, man.

MAGUIRE'S SPIDER-MAN

What's that for?

PETER

Uh, it's my web fluid. It's for my web shooters. Why?

Maguire's SM shoots webs out of his wrists. Stunned, Doreen glances at his wrists.

PETER

Whoa!

DOREEN

Did that just... come out of you?

Maguire's SM glances at Peter.

MAGUIRE'S SPIDER-MAN

You can't do that, huh?

PETER

No...

GARFIELD'S SPIDER-MAN

How on earth does that even...?

Doreen picks up another web shooter.

DOREEN

Is this a spare, or...?

GARFIELD'S SPIDER-MAN

Oh, no, actually, I made that for you.

Doreen looks stunned.

DOREEN

For me?!

GARFIELD'S SPIDER-MAN

Yeah! I figured you could be, you know, an honorary Spider-Man! Er... Spider-Woman...

Doreen gasps.

DOREEN

Spider-Squirrel!

She tests out the web shooter and grins.

EXT. STATUE OF LIBERTY - NIGHT

Doreen is aiding in the battle, while using her web shooters. When she misses a swing, Garfield and Maguire catch her and lift her up.

DOREEN

Oof! Thanks...

MAGUIRE'S SPIDER-MAN

You're getting pretty good at that!

DOREEN

Really?

MAGUIRE'S SPIDER-MAN

Yeah, you just gotta remember to aim your fingers where you wanna go.

DOREEN

Oh, right, right, right...

MAGUIRE'S SPIDER-MAN

Anyways... ladies first!

GARFIELD'S SPIDER-MAN

Ladies first!

They grin at each other, realizing they spoke at the same time. Doreen uses her web shooters to leap off into the battle.

DOREEN

LOOK OUT, EVERYONE! SQUIRREL GIRL'S GOT WEB SHOOTERS NOW!!! WOO-HOO!

Later, when Maguire's SM is stabbed, Doreen uses a healing spray to close the wound.

DOREEN

Here... This'll close the wound so you don't lose too much blood.

MAGUIRE'S SPIDER-MAN

Oh, thanks.

(He smiles at Holland's SM.)

She really is the nicest.

With Dr. Strange's cape, Ned lands on the ground.

NED

Thank you, Mr. Cape, sir!

(He rushes up to Nancy.)

Nancy! If we die, I just want you to know that I've always had a huge crush on you, but I also respect that you're a career-driven woman who's probably not looking for a relationship right now, but if you ever reach that milestone in your life, just know that I'm always here if you're interested!

Nancy looks bewildered. After a pause, she pats him on the back.

NANCY

Talk to me in, like, five years when it's not weird, okay?

NED

Okay!

Later, when Peter makes his plan, he rushes up to his friends.

PETER

Guys... You're gonna forget who I am...

(Beat)

NED

What?

MJ

Forget who you are? What are you talking about?

(Beat)

PETER

It's okay... I'm gonna come and find you... And I'll explain everything... I'll make you remember me... And it'll be like none of this ever happened... Okay?

MJ

Okay, but wh-what if that doesn't work? What if we can't remember you? I don't... I don't wanna do that...

PETER

I know, MJ...

MJ

There's... There's not something we can do? We can't come up with, like, a plan or something? You know... There's always something we can do...

(Beat)

PETER

There's nothing we can do...

He says goodbye to MJ and Ned, then hugs Doreen and Nancy, who have tears in their eyes.

DOREEN

You'll still come to our graduation, right?

Peter smiles tearfully.

PETER

I wouldn't miss it for the world...

Nancy lets out a tearful laugh.

NANCY

You can be that one weird guy that shows up even though nobody knows who you are...

They all let out a weak laugh.

(Beat)

PETER

I guess I'll see you...

EXT. EMPIRE STATE UNIVERSTIY - DAY

Peter waits in the crowd at Doreen and Nancy's graduation. He sees Nancy cheer as Doreen walks across the stage to collect her diploma. He smiles when he sees some students holding up a sign that reads "WE'RE NUTS FOR SQUIRREL GIRL!"

Later, Peter tries to approach Doreen while she's chatting with her family and Nancy.

PETER

Doreen! Uh... Doreen Green! Squirrel Girl?

Doreen glances at him, then turns back to her family.

DOREEN

Would you guys excuse me for a moment?

(She walks up to Peter.)

Excuse me, sir, this is really not a good time. I'm with my family, and I-

PETER

No, no, no, no... I don't want to bother you or anything... I just, um... I just wanted to say congratulations on graduating.

DOREEN

Oh... Uh, thank you...

PETER

I'm... actually an incoming freshman here, so...

DOREEN

Oh... Oh, awesome! Um... Okay, if you want my advice, stay away from Birch Dining Hall. My friend Nancy found dirt in her salad there once.

PETER

Oh... Ew, that's gross.

He laughs a little.

DOREEN

Yeah. Your best bet is Maple. They make a bomb-ass mac and cheese.

PETER

Oh, uh... Thanks for the advice.

Doreen smiles.

(Beat)

PETER

Um... I just wanted to say... I could never do what you do... I mean... being Squirrel Girl... while everyone knows who you are... I know things might get harder for you... and some people don't see you as a hero... but you should know that you are. This city needs people like you. And... there's always someone out there who believes in you.

Doreen looks touched.

DOREEN

Thank... thank you... Really, I... I don't think you know how much that means to me...

Peter smiles.

PETER

I think I have some idea... And...

(Beat)

I know Tony's proud of you for keeping your promise.

DOREEN

Thank...

She pauses, surprised. Before she can say anything else, Peter walks off. She looks down, contemplating for a moment, before walking away.

Notes:

THE FEELS!!! (Also I probably completely botched the spelling of Strange’s magic box sorry lol XD)

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