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Really, Dick should have known better to try and cook in Alfred's kitchen while he was gone for the day.
For one she wasn't particularly good at cooking (she's terrible, ), she had a tendency to burn things, get impatient, and in general just make a giant mess.
And second, she knew Alfred was notoriously possessive of his favorite room in the house. Going so far as to completely ban Bruce after he had somehow managed to blow up the toaster but not before he made him buy the best one on the market to replace it.
So yeah, she really should have known better, but she had just figured she'd be in and out in a few minutes at most, and Alfred would be so proud she hadn't messed up this time that he'd forget all about it.
This was clearly a mistake, she can see that now.
Literally, she thought as she stared blankly at the knife she had managed to completely embed into the previously beautiful wood of the cabinets.
The knife itself happened to be one of Alfred's special ones that he had imported for Japan recently, she realized just now as she stared at it with a rising feeling of doom.
It's really a blur how it managed to find its way in there. She remembered vaguely that she had been cutting up some vegetables she wanted to add to an omelet. A nice, easy, safe dish, she had thought it would be.
An omelet that was now spilled all over the floor of the kitchen and splashed onto the walls. From when she had panicked because the knife and knocked it all down. Along with all the other vegetables she had managed to cut up beforehand.
The feeling of doom grew exponentially as she took a step back and took in the disaster that was the kitchen.
Dicks felt herself twitch as she watched some of the egg on the wall drip down onto the floor.
"Alfred's going to kill me" she whispered in horror
It snapped her into motion.
In a flurry, she grabbed the closest rag she could find and tried to wipe up the eggs as quickly as possible. It only seemed to make even more of a mess.
Dick almost whimpered.
She hurriedly threw the rag in to sink and ran for the mop Alfred keep hidden away in the laundry room. Once she grabbed it she raced back in the kitchen so fast she almost slipped on the eggs.
Thankfully the mop did the job much better and she made quick work of the liquidity mess on the floor.
Next, she carefully maneuvered around the floor as she cleaned up each and every piece of tomato, onion, and cilantro she could and shoved them into a garbage bag she quickly threw away in the large garage bin hidden behind to manner to hide the evidence.
Alfred hardly ever went back there, other than to dump anything too big for the kitchen garbage can, and the only other person that went there was the garbage man that came to pick up the trash once a week.
Dick raced back. Alfred hadn't mentioned when he'd be back, and Dick still had to take care of the wall and then the most nerve-racking part, the cabinet.
The walls were mercifully easy to clean, she just rinsed the rag and wiped them down gently. The egg had, thankfully, somehow managed to avoid spilling onto the nice curtains Alfred had tastefully added to the windows.
Dick took a deep shuttering breath as she finally turned around to face the most obvious issue.
She approached carefully and began to examine the large knife. The knife was about halfway in and very firmly stuck.
Dick carefully grabbed the knife with shaky hands and pulled the seemingly giant knife out carefully. She winced at the slight creaking sound the wood made from the pressure.
Finally, the knife slipped out fully and Dick closed her eyes tightly to avoid looking at the hole. She took three deep breaths before opening them again.
Her heart plummeted.
As she took a closer look and any hope she had that the hole wouldn't be too bad faded. The hole was about 3 inches wide and there was a large indented piece that seemed like it was about to fall off from the impact.
'Well I'm dead" there was absolutely no way she could cover that up now, even from the other side of the room the hole was sure to be noticeable. Especially to Alfred, who would be back at any moment to murder her.
'They would never find her body' she thought in with a distant horror as her emotion seemed to die and she was filled with only numbness.
She dropped the knife into the sink and left the now otherwise clean room with a dull feeling.
Dick trudged towards the stairs, up to the second floor, flopped onto the first bed she saw, and figured this was as good a place to die as any.
She stared up at the ceilings with blank eyes as she waited for Alfred to arrive.
"Dick?" Bruce's voice called out to her
She ignored it in favor of continuing to stare.
"Dick, what are you doing in my room?" Bruce asked in confusion
Ah, she must have flopped into Bruce's bed then. She made no move to get up as he shuffled closer.
"Dick?" He repeated, this time concern seeped into his voice
She hummed slightly
Bruce would miss her she hoped, but not too much. It would be bad if he was too sad when she died. She didn't like it when he was sad, and she would be around to make him feel better.
"Dick!" Bruce shook her out of her thoughts, literally, he had her grabbed by her shoulder and was shaking her back and forth as she hung there limply She blinked back to existence and focused her eyes on him. He sighed in relief
"What happened?" he asked as he let go of her shoulders. He put his hand down but it twitched like he wanted to put it back to be sure she was okay.
"I'm going to die," she said simply and sure enough he grabbed her again in concern
"What? Why?"
Dick couldn't even muster up the words so she simply grabbed his wrist and lead him out the room, into the kitchen, and pointed.
He threw her a confused look " What? What are yo..."
The rest of his words drifted off as he caught sight of the large dent and hole.
"You're dead" he agreed emotionlessly
There was a full minute of silence as Dick's previous vacant expression disappeared as she promptly burst into hysterics.
Bruce immediately snapped out of it and uselessly patted her back. He tried to comfort her but he was obviously at a loss at what to say to make her feel better.
The thought made her panic harder. If the Batman didn't think he could save her no one could.
Dick's hyperventilating slowed as she croaked "Bruce you'll miss me right?"
Bruce seemed at a loss again. He hesitated as she continued shaking.
"We can.. we can... we can fix this" he eventually decided hesitantly "yes we can fix this," he said more confidently this time.
Dick sniffed softly and whispered skeptically "really?"
He unwrapped her from himself and set her down with a confident look in his eye "yes I can, how hard can it be?"
Famous last words.
After Dick managed to calm down and blow her nose loudly they got to work.
As it turned out "I can fix this" really stood for "I can hire someone to fix this because I'm ridiculously rich."
Bruce quickly opened his phone and clicked a contact. The phone rang a few times before it was picked up and a voice spoke from the other side.
Dick held her breath as she felt her hope rise tentatively.
Bruce quickly put on his classic playboy voice "Tom how are you! it's Bruce, you know Bruce Wayne." His eyes shone in amusement and Dick couldn't help but grin slightly at the ridiculous voice.
The other side said something and Bruce let out an obnoxious laugh. "Yeah, it's been a while. How are you?"
"And the kids?"
"They sure are, yeah Dick just as rambunctious, the wife doing any better? She is, that's great! Glad the treatment I recommended is working"
"Now you know I hate to be a bother but I've found myself in a bit of a pickle here" Dick leaned in
"Yeah, you know those cabinets you remodeled a few years ago?"
"Yes, the white maple ones you installed, beautiful work, by the way, you're really are the best money can buy!"
"Of course, I live by your work, was telling my buddy about it the other day, I said Alexander, Tom is the best carpenter in the city, the world maybe!"
Wow, Bruce was really laying on thick here.
"Oh, so he did call you! Glad to hear it, now about that problem I'm having."
Dick leaned closer until she was on the very edge of her seat.
"You see, I had a little mishap in the kitchen this morning, you know me, a total klutz when it comes to cooking and I was wondering if there was any way you could swing by today to get it fixed up."
"Yes, yes "
"Okay, I understand,"
"thank you, goodbye"
Dick watched as he set down the phone and gave him a hopeful smile.
His playboy grin fell into a sigh and Dick's hope plummeted.
Bruce grimaced "he's completely booked today the fastest he'd be able to do is Wednesday."
Dick's eyes began to tear up, Bruce immediately moved to fix it.
"We can still fix this." He replied less confidently but no less determined.
Dick looked up with teary eyes.
Plan B was a disaster from the very start.
They had gotten in the car immediately and for once Bruce seemed to have no real plan other than they needed a new cabinet and they most definitely could not be spotted or Alfred would know instantly.
So they brought a few hats and a pair of sunglasses and put them on before they arrived at a Lowes Depo after a few agonizingly long minutes.
They both kept staring at the clock and the phone waiting for Alfred to call and let them know he knew. He never did, even by the time, they were out the door with a cabinet installation set that had come highly recommended by the employee.
Bruce had quickly denied the option for installation. It was already bad enough with their quickly put-together disguises so it would not be good if someone showed up to the manor and let the press know Bruce Wayne and Richard Grayson had been cabinet shopping at 8 am looking like they were about to rob the place.
Though the employee had been giving them rather suspicious looks so Dick wonder briefly if he had figured it out.
Dick snapped back to the present when Bruce called her name. "You there?" He asked with a raised eyebrow
Dick flushed slightly and nodded.
Dick took a look at the instruction that had come with it and blanched. They had about a thousand steps and even more pieces.
Dick sent Bruce a helpless look.
"It can't be that bad," he said as he took a look. Dick wasn't sure if she was gratefully or not that the paper obscured the look on his face.
He came up with a determined glint in his eye and despite her nerves, she feel slightly comforted.
"You tore out his cabinet" Dick whispered in horror
Dick looked at the disaster that should have been the cabinet with a mixed look of pain and heartbreak before shooting Bruce a look of pure betrayal.
"You said you knew was you were doing!"
Bruce opened his mouth to protest before completely closing it again. "I retrospect that was a mistake"
"Ya think" Dick muttered sarcastically
The cabinet itself had turned out to be simultaneously the wrong color and completely lopsided. Some of the nails were striking out, while in other places there definitely needed to be more.
And worst of all.
In a moment of true unrivaled stupidity, Bruce had decided that they needed to remove the cabinet and, the one next to it so everything would fit. So they were now left with a giant blank space of wall where a cabinet should go. That looked about 20 times worst than what they had started with.
"We're dead, this is it, there's more fixing this, Alfred's going to kill us and people are going to wonder where Robin and Batman went and no one will know because he'll hide our body and no one will ever find us" she whispered in horror.
Bruce stayed completely silent, she might have believed he wasn't worried except for the growing horror in his eyes.
Bruce finally spoke
"It's... not that bad," he said with the false confidence of a dead man.
Dick looked at him like he was insane and pointed. He looked towards their mess, looked back with a pained face, and put a hand on her shoulder.
"It was an honor working with you, partner."
Dick's bottom lip trembled a bit. "Yeah, you too," she said then slumped against him to wait for their punishment.
The house was completely silent.
"I... I can fix-" Bruce started again but Dick had excepted her fate.
"Please stop" she begged "please"
Bruce seemed to deflate with a sigh and slump against her too.
They both just sat there for who now how long. Neither spook nor offered any sort of comfort. Just sat and waited.
That was we the call came. The phone rang once and they shared a terrifying look.
Then it rang again.
Dick watched as Bruce creep closer to the phone and very hesitantly picked up. He waited until the third ring to flip it over and sure enough, there was Alfred's name flashing as it rang loudly around the previously silent room.
"Hello" Bruce spoke clearly and confidently as if he hadn't just been waiting patiently for his death just a moment ago.
"Hello Alfred" her heart rate shot up
"Yes everything is fine"
"No we don't have any more eggs" Dick winced
"No I'm not in the kitchen," he said as he took another glance at the ruined cabinet.
"then how am I sure?"
"Dick's in the kitchen right now"
Bruce glanced at her "you want to talk to her?"
Dick shook her head furiously back and forth and desperately made stopping signals with her hands.
"Of course, let me get her" Bruce covered the phone with his hand reached over to her. He grabbed her, looked at her with a hardened look.
"You need to lie" he hissed quietly
Dick shook her head harder.
"Dick look at me right now, if our lives mean anything to you, I need you to lie. Lie right now, like our lives depends on it because they do" he said the shoved the phone forward.
Dick looked at him with absolute betrayal in her eyes as he handed her the phone.
'Please don't let my voice crack' she thought desperately "Hey Alfred" she chirped
"Master Richard" came a pleasant British accent from the other side. "I hope you are well"
"I'm good Alfred, how are you?" She asked because if Alfred had spent hours instilling manners into her head the least she can do is use them, especially now
"I am well, thank you for asking master Richard now, I would like to ask you something, and please answer honestly now."
Dick squashed down the urge to cry and beg for forgiveness right then and there. 'There was no way he knew' she reassured herself, he couldn't possibly.
"Of course Alfred what's up?"
"Is Master Bruce in the kitchen right now?"
Dick turned to look at Bruce who was now trying to clean up the mess that was the kitchen and for one desperate moment of weakness, genuinely considered throwing him under the bus.
"No... he's in his office, or well was since he brought me the phone." Dick cringed as she talked, God she was so bad at lying.
"Are you sure?" She could practically see his raised eyebrow from here. So she panicked
"Yup, I think Mr. Fox was calling him earlier, something about him sleeping with a board members daughter, I think"
Bruce turned to her in dismay and she mouthed sorry to him.
Alfred sighed deeply from the other side "Thank you Master Richard please tell Master Bruce we will be speaking about the matter later."
"Sure thing Alfred!" She crackled into the phone nervously
"Well that was all Master Richard thank you for your time goodbye now"
"Bye-bye Alfred" she hung up as quickly as she could.
She looked to see Bruce's glare.
"I'm sorry okay, I panicked!"
He sighed "It's fine, let's just get this fixed up"
Dick kicked at a nail on the ground in frustration and scoffed "Why? there's no point, there's no way we can fix that" she motioned to the mess
"We need to at least try."
"What we need, is a miracle." She huffed
The phone buzzed again and Dick nearly jumped out of her skin and threw it.
Bruce caught easily and answered with a curious look.
"Yes, this is Bruce?"
Dick watched in confusion as he perked up and his frown turned into a hesitant and hopefully look. Well, as hopeful as Bruce could look.
"Yes"
"Yes"
"Yes, thank you!"
"See you in a bit, goodbye"
"What's up? Dick asked curiously
"A miracle" he smirked
"Thank you so much Tom really you have no idea how much this means to me," Bruce said cheerfully as he shook Mr. Tom's hand.
"It's really no problem Mr. Wayne I'm always happy to help my best customer." Mr. Tom said, he was a tall well-built man with a pencil-thin mustache.
"Still I liked to thank you if there's anything you need, anything at all just let me know." Bruce thanked him graciously
"I am alright as it is, though I wouldn't say no to a yacht." Mr. Tom winked at her
"Done" Bruce immediately agreed.
Mr. Tom seemed at a loss for words. "I ... thank you, thank you so much, Mister Wayne!" He said as he shook Bruce's hand furiously.
He countined to thank Bruce all the way out the door and made sure to honk and wave as he left.
To him, they had probably been a gigantic surprise to receive such a big reward for such a small job but to Bruce and Dick, he had saved them from unimaginable horrors so it was only fair he got a suitable reward.
"I thought he was booked?" Dick turned to her silent guardian
"He was, but luckily for us, it turns out that the other job he was doing had a leaky gas pipe so they had to stop until it's fixed."
Dick silently thanked whatever being was out there for their luck.
'And not a moment too soon' she thought as she saw Alfred pull up to the driveway.
Dick and Bruce acted as normally as possible. Bruce brooded and read the paper and Dick quickly put on some music and hummed to it while she tried to do the crossword puzzle over Bruce's head.
"That one's Everest" she pointed out
Bruce hummed "the next one is the Himalayas"
"I'm glad to see you're well," Alfred said as he stepped into the house.
"Alfred!" Dick chirped with real enthusiasm this time.
"Hello, Master Richard I see you are well. Master Bruc- what have you done!?"
Dick's heart stopped as she turned to see, Had the cabinet fallen down? Did they forget to move something? Was there something else broken?
She quickly looked over and was relieved to see everything was fine.
"What do you mean?" Dick asked cautiously.
Alfred turned to her and gave her a stern look. "Do not play dumb Mrs. Richard you know exactly what you've done."
Dick broke down.
"I'm so sorry Alfred I really didn't mean to!" She practically sobbed
Alfred's eyes softened slightly and he sighed again. "It is alright Master Richard, just be sure to let me know the next time you intend to grab my special knives."
"I will I promise- wait knives?"
"Yes one of my knives is in the sink, I had asked you not to touch them."
Dick froze, the knife, the knife she had left in the sink after she went upstairs, she the knife she had completely forgotten about it.
Dick laughed nervously "right that knife, I'm really sorry Alfred, I promise I won't touch them again."
Alfred stared at her for a heart-stopping moment before he nodded and brought the rest of the grocery in.
Dick turned to Bruce as he walked upstairs.
"I can't believe that worked" she muttered in disbelief
"me neither"
"Chocolate chip Cookie Master Richard?" Alfred said as he held out a freshly made delicious-looking cookie to her
Dick took it gratefully
"Don't mind if I do" Dick licked her lip and took a big bite of it out of the very center before making a face.
She made a face a second later. "Are these raisins?"
"Yes they are, now perhaps that will teach you the disappointment that comes with lies," Alfred said as he walked out of the room gracefully.
Dick stared after him as he left.
"What just happened?" she asked herself
Bruce came out a moment later with mismatching clothes and sighed at her dumbfounded expression. "I see he got you too"
"How did he even find out?" She asked in bewilderment
Bruce sighed "he's Alfred he knows everything."
"That I do" Alfred's voice appeared behind them causing her to nearly jump out of her skin "now about the kitchen"
They both shifted nervously. Oops