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The two of them had spent a lot of time together.
It certainly wasn’t surprising. He was her bodyguard, after all. Being nearby was an important part of his job, and Kaze had always taken his duty very seriously.
He’d been honored the day she accepted him as her personal retainer. It was the sort of role he’d always yearned to have. He felt needed. Trusted. And he knew beyond any measure of doubt that he would do all he could to protect her.
When she had first arrived, she had so much to learn of Hoshido and so much to see of the world. Her siblings—her real siblings—were a huge help in making that happen, of course. But when they weren’t around, all her many questions were directed towards him. On her late-night walks, when the ever-present war kept her awake, he was the one beside her.
In the beginning, he wasn’t sure she would take to him. He thought she might come to resent his presence, or see him as intrusive, or even regret being in their camp at all. But, much to his relief, her annoyance with him always seemed fleeting. It appeared rarely to begin with, only when he was being “a bit too overbearing.” She always tried to say it kindly, but had to be blunt for him to get the point.
Yes, the two of them had spent a lot of time together. And on days when he was being more lenient with himself, he would reason that it was rational, understandable, even, that he had fallen in love with her.
On the much more common days when he granted himself no leniency at all, he reasoned that he was a failure. That he had no right to look at her the way he did. Think about her the way he did. That, even though he had never outwardly crossed the invisible boundary between them, the feelings he harbored were more than enough to make him unfit for his role.
But he could not simply leave her, no. It was completely unheard of for a bodyguard to abandon their assigned liege. The entire camp would be confused. The royal family would be disappointed. Corrin herself would probably be upset; he couldn’t bear the thought of that. And, selfishly, he also wanted to stay by her side for his own sake. Being with her made him feel alive and gave him a purpose like nothing else ever had. No matter how much it hurt, he couldn’t fathom giving it up.
No. It was better this way. Even if he could never be with her the way he wanted. Even if he could only watch from afar. Even if, one day, one of the several admirers in their group succeeded in wooing her, and she took a husband, he would stay. And he would not breathe a word of how he truly felt.
He was her retainer. Her trusted protector. And, if nothing else, he would always hold that torturous, blessed role.
~~~
Winter arrived in Hoshido early, just as the army was preparing to pass through a mountain range. It was one more bit of bad luck they would have to overcome.
The royal family, including Corrin, had been preparing for a conference for several days. They were to meet with a tribe in the area to ask for passage through their land. The group’s territory included a pass cutting straight through the mountains—the route they needed to take. Trying to go around the mountains would have taken far too long, and going over the peaks was a suicide mission.
Still, there were some members of the Hoshidan army who muttered under their breaths that the meeting was unnecessary. They felt their army was strong and could defeat any opposition they might encounter; the meeting was only a setback in time. But Corrin insisted on trying diplomacy first.
Kaze approached the entrance to her tent in late morning on the day of the conference. The royal family and their attendants were preparing to leave on horseback, but Corrin had yet to be seen. He cleared his throat. “Milady,” Kaze said, speaking to the closed tent flaps more loudly than usual in hopes of getting her attention. “Are you ready to depart?”
He heard shuffling on the other side, and then one of the flaps was pulled back slightly. Corrin poked her head out to look at him. “Kaze!” She sounded relieved to see him. Her voice was rushed when she spoke again. “Yes. Well, I’m almost ready. Could you come in for a moment?”
She disappeared back into the sizable tent without waiting for an answer. He followed her in a second later, wondering what she might need. However, he was not entirely prepared for what he saw.
Her quarters were in disarray from her preparations that morning. The trunk holding most of her belongings was thrown open on the floor, and there were discarded outfits strewn across the bed. That was nothing he hadn’t encountered before, though. What alarmed him was to see Corrin in her current state of undress.
She was in a deep green, long-sleeved velvet gown. It was not one he’d seen previously, and he distantly wondered if she’d bought it for the occasion. But the thought at the forefront of his mind was that the laces on the back, running from the very base of her spine to her neck, were completely undone.
“Milady!” He exclaimed, feeling his face grow warm and turning away from her. Her entire back was exposed, and he was surely not supposed to see this much of her skin. “I—can you please let me know what I can do to help?” He was hoping she needed something utterly mundane and entirely unrelated to her clothing. But he was not so lucky.
She turned to face him, not that he could see it. One hand was pressed to the front of her dress to hold it in place. “Yes. I need your help lacing this up. I’ve been trying to get it myself in the mirror, but I’ve run out of time and could use an extra set of hands.” She paused, and her tone became puzzled. “Why are you turned around?”
He didn’t answer her question as mild panic settled into his brain. He had touched her before, yes, but not often. Not like she was asking him to now. He’d carried her off the battlefield multiple times, on what were some of his worst days in recent memory. But those had always been urgent situations, where holding her close went hand in hand with keeping her safe. He never would touch her so casually of his own accord.
“Lady Corrin, there—there must be someone more suitable for this task.”
“I don’t really think we have the time to find them,” she said lightly, still speaking quickly. “Besides, I trust you with my life. Something like this is inconsequential, by comparison.”
He gaped at the fabric wall in front of him for several seconds before trying again. Did she truly not understand? “Milady, I mustn’t. It would be wrong for me to—”
“Kaze,” she interrupted him. “I am giving you my full permission. Look at me, please?”
Her request held the note of a question, as if giving him a choice in the matter that she didn’t have to give. She’d always been like that—treating him more like a friend than a servant, never actually bossing him around, even though she could have. He turned back to her regardless. She studied his face more closely than he would have liked at the moment, and he found himself holding his breath.
Corrin’s voice was gentler, slower when she spoke again. “If you truly cannot do this, Kaze, I’ll find someone else. But if your concern is only one of propriety, then please, think nothing of it. I’m not worried about it in the slightest. I just need your help.”
He paused, turning her words over in his mind. His Lady needed his help. Phrased that way, he could not deny her request. He steeled himself and nodded to her, even as his instincts continued to fight against it. “Alright,” he said softly. “As my liege wishes.”
She smiled at him. “Thank you.” She turned her back to him again, and he hesitantly approached her. She held up the cords hanging from the base of the dress’s opening and offered them to him. He took them, but held them still.
A new thought had shoved to the front of his mind. He felt indecent for asking, but found he couldn’t ignore it. “Please, milady… don’t tell your brothers about this.”
Corrin laughed outright at his grave tone. It wasn’t like him to ask her to keep secrets, but she understood the concern. Ryoma and Takumi could both be very protective. “I wouldn’t dream of it, Kaze.”
He nodded once, still trying to delay the inevitable. “M-may I?”
Her head was turned just enough that he could see the soft smile on her face. “Yes, Kaze. You may.”
With her approval, he set about lacing the cords from her lower back to the top in a criss-cross pattern. He tried not to touch her skin more that he had to, but it was impossible to avoid altogether. She was soft. Warm. Both completely normal things that were almost more than his infatuated mind could take.
When he had finished lacing the cords and everything had been pulled tightly—but not too tightly, he made sure—he knotted the strands securely and took several steps back from her. “Alright,” he said. “Finished.”
Corrin half-turned to look at herself in a mirror propped against one of the tent’s supports. After adjusting her hair clip and the dress’s sleeves, she turned to him. “What do you think?”
Kaze tried to bite his tongue. The silhouette of the dress melded to her perfectly. The low, squared neckline framed her delicate face and neck like it was made for her. Knowing very well he shouldn’t, his frazzled nerves let him say the first thing that came to mind. “You are beautiful, Lady Corrin.”
She turned her gaze to the floor. He saw a blush color her cheeks, though she did not seem displeased. “Thank you, Kaze.” She looked back up at him, businesslike again. “Now, let’s go meet the others.”
He stepped aside and indicated for her to lead the way. They left the tent to head towards the stables.
~~~
The meeting with their new allies proved successful. After hearing the camp’s situation, the local tribe’s leader agreed to grant them passage through their lands, provided no harm came to the area’s people or natural resources. Of course, Corrin agreed.
Kaze stood in the shadows, not fully out of sight, but out of the spotlight. He looked to be a sufficient distance away from the proceedings to anyone who didn’t know better. But he was prepared to cross the area in a flash at any time to aid the princess. Thankfully, the action was not needed that day.
The group of Hoshidans, and those who’d joined their cause along the way, were feeling celebratory as they rode back to camp. It was always a relief to avoid fighting when they could. Corrin, riding sidesaddle behind her older sister, looked jubilant.
Winter days were short in Hoshido, and by the time they arrived back at camp, the sun was already beginning to set. The chill in the air became stronger, biting at everyone’s faces when the wind picked up. As always, Kaze walked with Corrin back to her tent. She was excited about their success earlier in the day, chatting to him happily.
“You are a skilled leader, milady,” he said to her. “Your diplomacy today may have saved us much trouble.”
She smiled at him. “Thank you, Kaze. I hope so.”
When they reached her tent, she held the flap open for him, and he followed her inside. She gave a long sigh, stretching and relaxing now that she was back at home, no longer in the public eye. “It’s so cold. Maybe we should have some tea tonight,” she said thoughtfully, rubbing at her arms.
“Should I have some brought, milady?”
“That’s alright. I’d like to get settled in first. Now, can you help me undo these ties, please?” She whisked all of her hair over one shoulder and turned her back to him again.
Kaze realized, in the moment, that he really should have been expecting this. But he had not been, and he was caught entirely off-guard. “L-Lady Corrin… if we aren’t in a rush now, would you like me to call one of your sisters?”
Corrin waved a hand dismissively, looking at him over her shoulder. “No, that’s alright. Besides, what if they asked me how I got into it this morning? I wouldn’t want to lie to them, Kaze.” Her lips were curved into a playful smile. “You didn’t want anyone else to know, right?”
Kaze cleared his throat, fighting to push down the heat rising to his face again. “Y-you’re right. Thank you for your concern, milady. But are you sure it’s okay for me to…” he trailed off.
She giggled. “Yes, Kaze. I haven’t changed my mind in the past few hours.”
He nodded. Perhaps he was being silly. She was right; this was really nothing new from what he’d already done. But helping her put her dress on and helping her take her dress off still felt decidedly different to him.
He moved to stand just behind her and put his hands on the intricate knot he’d made at the top, starting to undo it. “Is this a new dress, milady?” He was trying to make conversation to distract himself as much as anything else. She nodded. “Yes! A gift from Sakura. She seemed so nervous about giving it to me, but I thought it was an excellent choice.” Her voice was filled with fondness for her younger sister.
Kaze tried to respond properly as he moved to pull the laces out of the top holes. “Indeed. If I may say so, I believe Lady Sakura is much more competent in both magic and wardrobing than she herself believes.”
Corrin nodded. “Yes, I think you’re right. I hope she’ll see it, too, someday.”
They lapsed into silence as Kaze worked, slowly revealing more of her skin. His hands were careful, precise in their movements despite his nerves. When she flinched away from him, he paused.
“Sorry,” she said before he could ask what was wrong. “Your hands are cold. Which I suppose is to be expected.” She chuckled before looking at him over her shoulder again. “Please, continue.”
He murmured an apology and continued, redoubling his efforts to not touch her directly more than necessary. She twitched involuntarily each time he did. He kept apologizing, and she kept laughing and telling him not to.
As he unlaced the dress, part of Kaze couldn’t help but wish he was doing so under different circumstances. Regardless of what Corrin said, this was highly improper, and he knew it. He thought most of the other royals would have thrown a fit if they knew. He valued Corrin’s opinion of him more than theirs, naturally, but he did not want to lose any of the family’s approval.
Still—and he told himself he was being selfish for the thought even crossing his mind—this wasn’t enough for him. He wanted to be allowed to touch her without restriction. Gently. Lovingly. Not only when she needed help with a dress or on the battlefield, but always. He desperately wanted to be even closer to her than he was now, and for her to want him there just as much. He wanted to lay down beside her every night and wrap her in his arms, keeping her safe from everything in the world that might dare pose a threat.
He suddenly realized that this, what he was doing right now, may be as close to her as he would ever get. The thought made him stop again, his hands going still.
Corrin was silent for a few moments before turning her head curiously. “Kaze?” She could feel from the tightness at her lower back that he wasn’t done yet.
“Milady…” He didn’t know what he was trying to say. He only knew that his heart ached.
“Is everything alright, Kaze?” She took a slow step forward, and he let the cords slip from his hands. She turned to face him properly, one hand on her sternum to support the dress’s front.
He met her eyes, full of such care and worry for him, for his plight, and he knew he couldn’t go on like this. What he was doing was foolish. Reckless. The most out-of-line thing he’d ever purposely done in his life. But he couldn’t pretend anymore. He couldn’t lie, not to her. He kneeled in front of her and she took a step back, surprised.
“Lady Corrin, I am deeply sorry for both what I must say and its timing. It is no easy thing for me to admit, but I cannot be your protector any longer.” His eyes were cast to the ground as he awaited her response, feeling like he was wrenching his own heart out.
After what felt like a full minute, he dared look up to see her reaction. She appeared to be completely stunned. He had promised his fealty to her for life, after all.
She seemed to find her voice when their eyes met. “Wh-what? Kaze, where is this coming from? I… I’m sorry if this request was wrong for me to make. I should have been more thoughtful… I promise I’ll not ask such a thing of you again.”
He shook his head and looked down, frowning. Her blaming herself only made this worse. “You have done nothing wrong, milady. Please believe me.”
“Alright. I believe you, Kaze. But then, why do you need to stop being my retainer?” Her voice was quiet. Confused. Hurt.
He looked back up at her with a desperation she wasn’t used to shining in his eyes. He’d come this far, but felt unable to say it at the last moment. “Milady, I… I apologize, but I cannot tell you.”
Now it was her turn to frown. Her expression grew even more hurt. “Can’t tell me? Kaze, I feel like I can tell you anything. I thought the feeling was mutual. Are you okay?”
He shook his head, less in response to her question and more to the entire confounded situation he’d created for himself. He couldn’t stand for her to think he didn’t trust her; he had to tell her the whole truth.
“Lady Corrin… it is difficult for me to say this, for it was not intentional by any means. I realize that it is beyond inappropriate, and I sincerely apologize. But I am not fit to be your retainer anymore because I have fallen in love with you.”
He was staring at the ground again, and all he heard was silence. It was as if time itself stood still while he waited for his life to unravel. After some time, an open hand appeared in front of his face. “Stand up, Kaze.” Her voice was unreadable. She may well have been furious. But even now, he could not shrug off an order. He took her offered hand and stood, finally daring to look her in the eye again. He was surprised, even disbelieving, when he registered her expression as one of hope.
“Do you mean it?”
He swallowed thickly. Squared his shoulders. Nodded. “Yes, milady. I am truly sorry. I know it is entirely wrong for one in my position—”
He cut himself off when she took a step towards him, squeezing his hand in hers. “Lady Corrin?”
“Kaze.” Her voice wavered. “I’ve been wanting you to say that for a long time.”
His eyes widened in surprise. He had to be dreaming. Anything other than her righteous anger seemed more than he deserved right now. “What do you mean?”
She started laughing, and he saw a tear sneak out of one eye before she quickly dashed it away. “I mean I’m in love with you, too, Kaze. How could I not be?”
He only could stare at her, amazed, so she continued. “I—I confess I fell for you rather quickly, actually. But you were always so devoted, so willing to do anything that I asked. I was afraid that—well, if I told you, that you’d tell me you felt the same out of some sense of obligation. Even if it was completely untrue. And I couldn’t bear the thought of doing that to you.” Her eyes were shining with sincerity. She seemed nearly overcome with emotion as she waited for his reply.
“I had no idea, milady,” he told her honestly. Not knowing what to do, he tentatively opened his arms to her, and she rushed to meet him in a hug. He held her close, almost certainly more tightly than he should have. His arms were wrapped around her waist, and he dared to press his face into her soft hair. He breathed in. She smelled like herself, and it was calming to him in a way he couldn’t describe. “Milady… I’m sorry to have kept you waiting.” She laughed again and pulled back enough to look at him, and he felt a smile pulling at his usually serious face.
“Don’t apologize for that! You’re always apologizing. You rarely actually have reason to.” She raised a hand to trace along the side of his face. He shivered, entirely unused to the contact. She noticed and giggled, before growing serious for a moment. “Kaze, I know you aren’t supposed to be in love with me. But my heart longs for you and only you. If I tell my family this is all that I want, I’m certain they’ll understand.” The idea still made him apprehensive, having had the rules drilled into his head for so many years, but he trusted her. He nodded, leaning into her touch.
She spoke up again a moment later. “Kaze… you’re going to have to start telling me ‘no’ on occasion, but… would you kiss me?” She was looking at him with unmistakable adoration. He was basking in it, and he smiled at her fully.
“How could I ever say no to you, Lady Corrin?” He tipped her chin up with one hand, smothered his nerves as best he could, and closed the space between them.
He pressed his lips to hers softly and held them there, heart beating in his ribcage like it thought he was in the midst of a battle. After only a few seconds, he pulled back. She made a noise somewhere between a sigh and a whine, opening her eyes again. She brushed some of his hair behind an ear and moved her hand to the back of his neck. “I’ve waited a long time, Kaze. If you would be so kind…” She playfully led him down into another kiss, keeping him close this time. She shifted her body nearer to his, and he took the invitation to kiss her with more passion, how he’d wanted to for ages. He pressed his mouth firmly to hers, parting from her just slightly to kiss her again and again, hand moving to rest between her shoulder blades and hold her to him. When she moved her hand from the back of his neck, he took it is a cue and reluctantly pulled back, catching his breath.
“Does this please you, milady?” he asked, still worried that he may somehow upset her with his affection. She smiled at him, giggling, and rested a hand on the center of his chest. “Yes. Very much.”
He let out a sigh of contentment, but before he could relax too much, she tucked her face into the side of his neck and spoke again. “Would you stay with me tonight, Kaze?”
His face grew red quickly. “Lady Corrin, I—I think perhaps that’s not the best idea.” He wanted to. So badly he wanted to. But he didn’t want to get either of them in trouble or alert the camp rumor mill before they had time to tell the royal family themselves.
She pulled back and all but pouted at him. “Are you sure? It’s so cold tonight.” It had been just as cold for the past two weeks, and they both knew it. He smiled at her gently, backing up just enough to raise one of her hands to his lips. “Shall I stay with you until you fall asleep? I wouldn’t want anyone finding out about this prematurely, Lady Corrin.”
Reluctantly, she agreed to the compromise. “You’re probably right. I suppose I can wait just a little longer to wake up next to you.” He felt his face flush again at the idea as he nodded, kissing her hand. “Thank you, milady.”
“You’ve no need to thank me, Kaze.” she said tenderly. She slowly pulled out of his arms and turned her back to him again. “Now please, help me out of this. I think I may want to go to bed early tonight.”
He obliged, letting his fingers trail along her skin just a bit more this time as he worked. It would be a while, he knew, before he could do so without feeling that he was doing something very wrong. But she leaned back into his touch and sighed happily, and he couldn’t help the smile that formed on his face.
“Anything for you, milady.”