Work Text:
I don't even know what I want now
Am I lonely or do I just want to be lonely?
I've never wanted anyone to know
I can't explain my feelings like this
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“Here’s the thing about grief,” Jongin said with a deep sigh, hand clutching the glass so tightly that it’s surprising it didn’t crack. “It never ends.”
When Sehun didn’t say anything, he sighed again. He knows his boyfriend is silent because he’s sharing and he doesn’t do that often, so Sehun is taking what he can get. But at the same time, Jongin wished the man he loves would fill the silence with something, anything, just so that he stops talking.
But Sehun didn’t, so he kept going.
“It’s been so long,” He whispered, a deep frown between his eyes as if he’s trying to understand his own words. “It feels utterly stupid to still be hurt over this.”
“It’s not stupid,” Sehun finally said. “Although I have never felt it, I can imagine how it is.”
“You can’t imagine it. There are pains we can only imagine when we’ve felt it. This is one of them.”
“Is this why you never talk to me about it? Because you think I wouldn’t understand?”
Jongin stared at his full glass and wondered why he accepted the drink in the first place when he absolutely hates alcohol.
“I know you wouldn’t understand.”
“That’s assuming,” Sehun protested and Jongin looked at him just in time to see his boyfriend finishing the rest of his drink.
Maybe that’s why he accepted; because Sehun offered.
Jongin took a deep breath, still not sure he’s ready to have this conversation. Ready to share. He doesn’t know if Sehun will understand—he probably won’t.
It’s hard to be in a relationship when you’ve lost your first love to death. Jongin learned that a long time ago.
Not that it wasn’t his own fault—he has compared every single person he met to the one he lost and maybe that’s why nothing ever worked for him. Maybe he sabotaged himself.
But when he met Sehun, he thought this is it, he will love this person forever. And for a while it was perfect. It was so perfect, in fact, that Jongin thought he was finally out of whatever messed up mindset he put himself into when he was younger.
And then their anniversary happened.
He had never told Sehun about losing his first love in war. He didn’t tell him not because he didn’t trust Sehun or because he didn’t want him to know, but because his love for Chanyeol was something he could not explain, could not measure, could not move on from.
“Jongin, baby, talk to me,” Sehun pleaded when he found his boyfriend lying on the floor crying. “You’ve been sad for weeks and I don’t understand, please talk to me.”
That was the anniversary.
Eight years since the tragedy had happened.
Jongin didn’t talk to Sehun that night. He didn’t talk to him for the next three weeks and completely isolated himself. And he was absolutely sure Sehun would get tired of waiting, tired of not getting any answers for this behavior, but he didn’t. When Jongin finally texted him back, Sehun replied within seconds.
‘ I missed you so much. I’m so worried. I love you. ’
That was when Jongin decided to share. He didn’t say much, just a quick one-paragraph text to explain what had happened and a request to wait a little longer to know more about this part of his life.
‘I fell in love with my best friend but he’s no longer with me. It was the hardest thing I’ve ever gone through and that day you found me crying on the floor was his death anniversary. It’s hard for me to talk about this, about him. I hope you understand.’
And Sehun’s reply eased his heart a little bit.
‘ I’m sorry about your loss, my love. I understand. ’
So now, two months after Jongin’s breakdown, here they are. Talking about it.
“You say I’m assuming you wouldn’t understand,” Jongin muttered slowly. “I’m not. I know you wouldn’t because you can’t and that’s okay, Sehun. It’s okay that you can’t understand this pain. I’m glad you can’t, I wish I didn’t.”
His boyfriend waited again and Jongin chewed on his bottom lip. Sometimes he thinks he’s wasting Sehun’s time. It won’t be long before he ruins everything and tells him he can’t be the love of his life because he already has one. And then it will be over.
Maybe he should just be honest.
“I think I’ve ruined every potential relationship I could’ve had because of this,” He said in a small voice, cheeks suddenly hot.
“Because of your grief?”
“Yes,” Jongin said slowly. “And because of my inability to move on from him.”
“Maybe that’s not something you can move on from, Jongin, and you just have to learn ways to cope with the loss.”
“I know that, but it’s hard, I can’t simply erase him. He’s—”
Jongin stopped himself right before he said it—He’s the love of my life.
Sehun studied him intently for a few seconds and Jongin braced himself for the impact, “He’s what?”
Jongin brought the glass to his lips and gulped down the whole thing, liquid burning in his throat as he coughed his way through it. Sehun put a hand on his back and soothed him.
“You shouldn’t have done that,” He sighed. “You’re not used to drinking, love, let me grab you a glass of water.”
Jongin wants to scream. Why does Sehun have to be so understanding? So good? Why does he have to make this so hard by making Jongin love him more and more everyday? Why does he make Jongin feel butterflies and make him believe he has a second chance at this?
“Stop,” He breathed out before Sehun can stand up. “Just stop, please...I don’t want water, I just need you to know something.”
Sehun tilted his head to the side, eyes looking into Jongin’s, “Need me to know what?”
“He will always be a shadow. He’s the reason why nothing has ever worked. I can’t stop loving him. He will always be here,” Jongin put his hand over his heart. “He will always be the one.”
There was a pause and then Sehun has his hand over the one Jongin is pressing against his chest.
“I would never ask you to not love him, or to forget him, or to undermine what he means to you. You’re right when you say I can’t understand your grief, but I can respect it, and I do respect it, Jongin. It’s okay.”
Jongin shook his head, eyes watering, “How is it okay? I just told you no one can ever replace him. How is that fair for you?”
Sehun’s expression didn’t change and before Jongin can push his hand away, he grabbed ahold of it.
“That’s true,” He began. “You will never love me like you love him. I think you’re forgetting that we love everyone differently. People have different kinds of impacts on our lives and that’s normal. That’s how it’s supposed to be.”
“I don’t want you to ever think I’d leave you because part of you belongs to someone else,” He continued, voice soft. “I understand. You loved him and he’s no longer with you. He helped in shaping you into who you are. Maybe this particular person had a greater impact and because of what happened, maybe he stands out the most. And that’s okay, that’s part of you, Jongin.”
Sehun gently tucked Jongin’s hair behind his ear and wiped away his tears, “But what you can’t do is stop yourself from loving. You’re too young to close your heart.”
Jongin took a deep breath, realization dawning on him.
Guilt.
He feels guilty for loving Sehun. Feels guilty for allowing someone else into his heart when he promised he’d forever be Chanyeol’s.
That’s what has always been, isn’t it? Guilt. He doesn’t think he’s allowed to love again even when he desperately wants to. Even now, when he obviously does love Sehun.
“Doesn’t it hurt to hear he’s the one for me?” He asked, still clinging to the part of himself that is sure Sehun would leave if he pushes him enough.
“It hurts that you don’t think you can love more than one person,” Sehun said. “And I’m not saying it’s me, but I think you should be open to the possibility of there existing more than one person for each one of us.”
Jongin intertwined their fingers, lips trembling, “I love you, Sehun, I love you so much, and maybe that’s why I’m scared...and guilty.”
“Baby, don’t feel guilty,” Sehun kissed his palm. “There’s nothing wrong with love. I never met him, but don’t you think he’d want you to find love again?”
Chanyeol’s face flashed before Jongin’s eyes. That dazzling smile, how he’d kiss him breathless and whisper promises of their lives together. Forever, he’d say, I’ll love you forever. Even if you don’t love me, Kim Jongin, I will love you for the rest of my life.
And I’ll love you for the rest of mine, he replied.
“He would.”
Jongin couldn’t hold his tears anymore and Sehun didn’t say anything else. He held his boyfriend close and let him cry it out. But Sehun doesn’t know that there is no crying out when it comes to this. Grief never ends. The tears will come and go, and with time they’ll come less, as they already did after so long, but they will never go.
“I hate the term passed away,” Jongin mumbled against Sehun’s shirt. “It’s so stupid. What is passed away? Did you move from one place to another? I guess in a sense, but it doesn’t make sense to me.”
“You can talk to me about it,” Sehun kissed his forehead. “Always. I will always listen.”
“You say that now, but people get tired of listening,” Jongin sighed, nesting his face on Sehun’s chest. He had cried for almost an hour, moving from the table to the couch, still wailing in his boyfriend’s arms, but he’s okay now. With a headache and runny nose, but he’s alright. “I used to share a lot about Chanyeol, but people got tired of listening, so I stopped. It’s not like there’s anything new, it’s always the same pain.”
Sehun caressed his hair and Jongin closed his eyes. It feels like home.
“I don’t care if it’s the same pain. It’s your pain and I’ll always be here for you, better or worse.”
“That’s a wedding vow,” Jongin giggled and it feels weird to laugh right now, but he couldn’t stop himself. “God, you’re so annoyingly perfect.”
“Not perfect,” Sehun retorted, kissing his hair. “I just love you, that’s all.”
Jongin smiled, “I love you, too.”
“Tell me about him,” Sehun whispered. “Tell me about your first love.”
It was silent for a while—Jongin’s trying to decide what he should say, where he should start. He is worried that the way he says it might scare Sehun away and make his boyfriend understand just how much he loves Chanyeol.
But there’s no turning back now.
“We met when we were little, he was the son of my family’s butler,” Jongin started, throat dry. “We became instant friends. He got me into novels and astrology.”
“And I don’t really know when I fell in love with him, but I fell hard,” He continued. “It was innocent at first, but as the years went by and we got to share a few of our firsts together, I embraced it as a forever thing, and so did Chanyeol. He was there for me during my ups and downs, and he would do the silliest things just to make me laugh. He wasn’t just my first love. He was my best friend.”
“I can see why you love him.”
Jongin looked up at him and was met with the kindest, most loving eyes, “I don’t deserve you.”
“Not true,” Sehun sighed. “You deserve to be happy, to be loved and to be cared for. That’s what Chanyeol wants for you, too.”
Jongin felt his eyes become watery again and swallowed it down. He could say a million things right now, but he just snuggled closer to Sehun’s chest.
When he told Sehun he wanted to talk, he prepared himself for having to explain grief, and how it has affected his recent years. He prepared himself to go over his pain step by step until he ultimately had to tell Sehun he’d always be Chanyeol’s.
But as he started to feel sleepy in Sehun’s arms, he realized that he wasn’t prepared to understand the truth. To understand that yes, he will always belong to Chanyeol, and that his first love will always be that person to him. But he’s allowed to move on. He’s allowed to belong to someone else, too. He’s allowed to have another person.
“You are,” He whispered.
“I’m what?” Sehun asked.
Jongin held him closer.
“The love of my life,” He said and it felt like a weight has been lifted off his shoulders, like he has finally admitted to himself what scared him so much to do. “You both are.”
Sehun continued to caress his hair and didn’t say anything for a long while, but just as Jongin was falling asleep, he heard the soft whispering of words, “You’re the love of my life, too, Jongin.”
When Jongin fell asleep, he dreamed of Chanyeol, and he was told that it’s okay to love again.
Jongin didn’t know if it was a projection of his subconscious mind finally setting him free of a trap he made himself, or if it was some kind of way the universe has found to let him speak to Chanyeol again. Either way, he will take it.
‘Sehun loves you, Jongin, you should let him stay,’ Chanyeol told him in his dream. ’You know that.’
Yes, he knows. And he will.