Chapter Text
The tension in Shepard’s cabin was intense and if it weren’t for Thane’s attempt to reduce it with his subvocals humming in a low comforting purr, Garrus might have already stormed out the room. Thane worked his hands slowly and methodically on Garrus’s shoulders in an attempt to massage the knots of stress that had been building up since the moment that Shepard was reported to be M.I.A from her solo mission to rescue one of Hackett’s agents. He and Thane had been sitting in anticipation for two whole days, actually, the whole Normandy crew were on edge without their commander and the number of times that he almost had confrontations with Jack and Grunt was what prompted him to realize that this had to stop.
Garrus felt every issue and problem he had about Shepard and Thane by extension crash onto him from months and months of ignoring them. Thane had the uncanny ability to distract him and Shepard with sweet kisses and lovemaking that any heavy thought or concern either of them had was quickly snuffed out. Shepard was too focused on her goal and mission to realize she was unintentionally digging her own grave again and in order to prevent any arguments, she let the problems that Garrus knew were glaring all three of them square in the face be constantly pushed aside in favor of Thane’s momentary distractions.
Even now with Thane’s hands on his shoulders, it was an attempt from the drell in distracting him from the real problem that was hanging over them all.
Shepard had just gotten back from the asteroid that had been headed directly into a mass relay. They had just escaped the destruction of it by sheer luck after Shepard had radioed them in a frantic panic. Garrus and the crew had been planning on sending a small team to the last known location the commander had been in but thankfully it wasn’t needed.
However, it had been a few hours after the whole ordeal had happened and Shepard was speaking with Hackett who had decided this was a matter he had to see in person after apparently she had destroyed an entire star system and killed many of the batarians in order to prevent the reapers from invading. Garrus was immensely relieved at having Shepard back and in relatively perfect health after two days of not having any idea where she was. He was also incredibly proud of her choice. Yes, it was tragic that the batarians were the victims in this situation but if their deaths could have prevented the extinction of all advanced species in the galaxy from the reapers this time, then he accepted it as a necessary evil.
Thane had agreed with him which had surprised Garrus but it was then that he realized that the drell had decided what was the best way to deal with Shepard’s solo mission. Thane wanted to push it aside and just focus on her being back with them. Normally Garrus would have been inclined to join that train of thought but that was no longer something he could tolerate. Not like this. He couldn’t keep pretending every mission wasn’t pushing them all to their graves early.
For months it had been rinsed and repeated between them. Thane would intentionally avoid any discussion over his Kepral’s and the offers that Mordin, Miranda, and Dr, Chakwas had provided when it came to working for a possible cure or treatment for it. Their offers were constantly denied by the man who kept his stance in believing there was no other way around his fate. This infuriated Garrus to no end and it had been building up each time he heard Kolyat offer other treatments he had heard about while working for C-sec to Thane because the older drell simply kept denying any attempt to prevent his death. Garrus knew that Thane was just terrified, he was scared to death to get his hopes up and potentially lose it all in a failed attempt to fight for his life. He understood but he also knew that Thane was intentionally blocking out the fact that he was going to inflict the same pain he had experienced with his past wife onto him and Shepard. Any potential discussion that Garrus tried to bring up about it was quickly snuffed out by Thane giving him that hard look or just climbing onto his lap and using his flexible body as a distraction.
It wasn’t that long ago that Thane had seemed a bit winded from a mission that was mostly recon on the citadel. They had been together waiting to grab some food and both Garrus and Shepard had noticed the drell being slightly quiet and his breathing more labored than usual. Thane had simply brushed it off and Shepard had let it slide. Garrus hadn’t said anything in favor of maintaining their positive spirits that day but there was only so much he could do.
Shepard wouldn’t speak of the issues they had either unless Thane himself brought up anything about his illness which would grate on Garrus’s nerves because he wished she would back him up. At least maybe Thane would have a civil discussion about his options, but no, it was an unspoken problem they all had.
Garrus had been planning on sitting down with both his partners in an attempt to discuss what was going to happen now that the suicide mission was over and they had all lived. He wouldn’t admit it but he had expected to die and he had accepted the fact that at least he would be by Shepard and Thane’s side in the end. He would go out fighting to the bitter end. However, the fight against the collectors was over and now they had been going about a month of just going on short missions to sabotage Cerberus and the routine of ignoring the problems they had as a triad were becoming more obvious as each mission passed. Thane’s shortness of breath was getting more apparent and Shepard’s lack of self-preservation more glaring.
Now though, the destruction of the star system was hanging over all of them and Garrus knew the humans in charge wouldn’t allow Shepard’s actions to run free. As much as he knew that Hackett and Anderson would see Shepard’s actions as necessary, he knew that other humans wouldn’t see it that way. Or the Batarians. This then paved the next major problem that he and his two alien partners had, Shepard would give herself up to be killed by them if they asked for it. Garrus hated to admit it but Shepard was almost as fatalistic as Thane, if not worse. She had already died once and ever since her resurrection, had gone into every firefight as if it was going to be her last. He wasn’t sure if Shepard wanted to die or not but each battle quickly proved to the whole crew that she fought without any regard to her own safety.
It had become almost a combined effort between everyone on the Normandy to make sure their commander wasn’t too far away from them during a firefight. Something that was brought up constantly by individuals such as Samara, Miranda, and Mordin. Shepard simply brushed off their concerns with a joke and would mention that it was something that she had always done since her days of chasing Saren. This wasn’t a lie, however, Garrus knew that the reckless abandon she used on the battlefield now, was very different from the slow and calculated commander who had led him and their small team two years ago.
Thane had become acutely aware of this early on during their missions and had approached him about creating a sort of routine in making sure that Shepard was always covered when they were assigned as a team together. Garrus had been thankful for it and now that he thought about it, he found it all ironic that the two people he loved most in the universe just happened to be incredibly dead set on finding an early grave.
And just when had he decided that he loved them? Well whatever, he wouldn’t be the first to admit it.
Garrus pinched the bridge of his nose plates, a human habit he picked up according to Thane who had been observing him for some time once told him, and sighed as he tried to relax. Everything around him felt wrong, Thane’s hands on his shoulders, warm and comforting as they expertly kneaded his tired muscles felt out of place. His chest pounded with anxiety as they both waited for Shepard to come back from her debriefing with Hackett and tell them what was going to happen. It felt like hours but in reality, it must have been no more than 30 minutes before they both heard the familiar chime of Shepard’s cabin’s doors open. Thane’s hands and subvocals stilled and Garrus glanced up waiting to see Shepard come down the steps.
She looked exhausted with her shoulders hunched, her feet dragging slightly behind her as she made her way towards them slowly. Her vibrant red locks framed her face in a wild manner, more so than usual and the dark circles under her eyes betrayed the smile she wore as her eyes landed on him and Thane. She was beautiful, even as tired as she obviously was and Garrus felt slightly guilty that he was going to force the grown-up talk as soon as she shared what was going to happen from this whole ordeal.
“Hello, boys.” She said finally as she sat on the edge of her bed. It was right across him and Thane which gave them both a clear view of her body language. It was something that Garrus was watching intensely. He wanted to make sure that everything that she was saying was matching the rest of her. Call it a habit of his days in C-sec but he found that he could read Shepard well by doing this during important debriefings. Thane always teased him about it.
“Siha, I hope everything went well with your superiors?” Thane asked quietly. Garrus caught a glimpse on the corner of his eye of how the drell stood up and folded his arms behind his back. He was treating the whole situation as a debrief as well.
Shepard’s smile wavered momentarily as she glanced towards the door to her cabin. She let out a deep breath before she turned to look at them both again and stood up to her full height. Her shoulders straightened out, head held high and her arms folding behind her. The commanding stance she used when she was getting ready to lead them into missions, “I am turning myself over to the alliance to face the consequences of my actions in the Bahak system as soon as the Normandy drops off its crew in another safe location.”
It was deafeningly quiet as those words set into both Garrus and Thane. Their breathing seemed to stop as they both stayed staring at Shepard who held her stance. Never buckling under their intense gazes. Something then seemed to snap in Garrus. This was exactly what he expected the humans to do and yet he was still surprised and angry that they think Shepard is some sort of terrorist for what she did. She saved the lives of millions if not billions of lives with this. And this is how they are going to repay her? Anger boiled in his blood as he started to get the bigger picture of what was going to happen.
However, That wasn’t the worst part, the worst part was how Shepard’s eyes betrayed her resignation. She was accepting of this. She wanted to be punished for her actions, it was written all over her face as she stood in her commanding pose facing Garrus and Thane. And Garrus knew that no matter what they said, Commander Shepard would never back down from a choice that she deemed was necessary. She would accept whatever fate the humans and Batarians handed to her. If they asked for her blood she’d spill it, if they asked for her head, she’d cut it off herself. It smashed through Garrus’s heart like it was made of the weakest piece of glass and he couldn’t do anything about it. His chest constricted as he fought with what he wanted to say and what he knew was going to be the answer he was going to get.
He felt Thane make his way around the couch as he walked towards Shepard. His hands had dropped to their sides and Garrus could see them trembling slightly. No doubt he was holding his own emotions down even more than Garrus was.
“Is there no way that you can convince them that what you had to do was the only option? You saved millions of lives Siha.” he quietly inquired.
Shepard held her position and didn’t waver from Thane’s gaze as she kept that same serene smile that hid her emotions, “I killed 300,000 Batarians, that can’t go unpunished Thane.”
That seemed to trigger the drell.
Thane shook his head curtly as he began to pace the room in an anxious stride. The tension rose with each step that he took, “You tried to warn them, you were held captive for two days and you ran out of time. It was a necessary action and in the end, you have saved more lives than those that have been lost Siha-”
“It’s done, Thane. The Normandy is set to drop off everyone on Omega in a couple of days and then I am on my way to Earth to face trial. Joker is sending word to Aria as we speak.”
Garrus had heard enough and he had to get out of Shepard’s cabin and away from them. He had to or else he was going to burst and he knew that this was not the best time to talk about the problems that they were having as a triad. He was a bad turian, a good turian would have heard Shepard’s plan and accepted it. He might have disagreed, but in the end, he would have accepted it. A good Turian wouldn’t let his emotions control him and as one of the partners of commander Shepard, he would have smiled and shared his support for her decision, but Garrus wasn’t a good turian. He had to process what Shepard had told them. He had a hunch that this was what was going to happen and yet hearing it come from Shepard herself, it was almost too much to deal with at that moment. His emotions were on the verge of spilling and he couldn’t, wouldn’t let that happen. Not when everything was so painfully fresh.
He stood and quickly tried to make his way towards the exit. He kept his head high but avoided any eye contact with Shepard as he felt her eyes follow him. As he expected she didn’t call out to him or go to follow. She was good at that, she knew what he needed. What they all needed. Thane, however, was not receptive to his need for space. He felt a powerful hand grip his wrist and stop him in his tracks, “No, this isn’t something we run from Sihé.”
Garrus turned and yanked his hand away from Thane aggressively at that. It took the older man off guard and a mix of concern and hurt washed over his features before the drell schooled his face into a more stern expression. For a brief moment, Garrus felt guilty but as he locked eyes with Thane he watched as the drell looked up at him and straightened up to his full height. His jaw tensed and Garrus only quickly noted his frills fluttering in that anxious fashion that was only present when he was on a call with his son.
Even though Thane was smaller than both he and Shepard, he commanded attention when he wanted to. Garrus shook his head in disbelief and frustration as he stepped back again and put distance between himself and the two people who he loved most. He felt his chest tighten and a keen begin to slowly make its way through his body. It was quiet but the moment that he glanced back up and locked eyes with Shepard, his keening was loud enough for both Thane and Shepard to hear. Thane momentarily relaxed in his stance and reached out to him. It was a reflex at this point, Garrus rarely keened, and hearing him must have broken through Thane first since Shepard’s only indication of hearing him was a slight drop of her shoulders.
“Garrus-“ Thane started but he dodged out of his reach as he backed away further. He had reached the steps that led up to the small hallway and he momentarily wondered if he could maybe just run out of the cabin.
“Let him go, Thane, Garrus needs some time to accept this,” Shepard said softly.
That seemed to do it. “Accept it.” He had to accept it, he had to accept that Shepard was going to give herself over to those who wanted her head on a plate over doing a necessary evil. He had to accept that he may as well be spending the last days, hours, moments with her by his side. Two years mourning her and then to finally get her back only in the end to have her slip through his talons like sand. He had to accept that no matter that he fell hard and fast for her, he would never be able to talk her into seeing things the way he and Thane did.
And Thane, oh Thane. Garrus glanced at drell who had made his way slowly towards him and was holding out his hand, waiting for him to take it.
“Come Sihé, let’s sit down and talk about this. Our Siha has decided on what’s going to happen so we have to at least be here and listen to the rest of what she has to say.”
A few moments of silence passed between them as Garrus stayed staring at Thane’s outstretched hand.
It would be so easy to take it. Take it and let himself follow the same routine. To let Shepard and Thane quickly get over all the heavy topics and focus only on the momentary bliss. Before the suicide mission, Garrus knew momentary bliss was all they could ask for, but now that it had passed, they had all lived, it was different. Now he wanted a future and the two people who he wanted it with seemed determined to sabotage it themselves.
“And then what?” He asked bitterly, finally breaking the silence.
That seemed to throw both Thane and Shepard off guard and they stood in silence again for a few seconds before Garrus finally worked up the courage to say what he wanted to since the moment he had entered Shepard’s cabin.
“What then Shepard? What happens now that you are going to give yourself over to the alliance? The reapers are still coming and you think that what? Handing yourself over to them is going to make any difference? What are you going to do if the Batarian’s demand that you be killed? Humanity has always liked to put the blame on someone to avoid conflict.”
Shepard’s mouth had fallen open in shock at his sudden outburst. This wasn’t the Garrus she knew. Garrus questioned her for sure but he always seemed to follow her leadership without question. The last time he had ever raised his objections so passionately had been when she stopped him from shooting Sidonis. The words that fell out of him were unyielding and somewhat unfair as he knew that Hackett and Anderson would fight tooth and nail to make sure that Shepard wouldn’t fall prey to the Batarians, but that didn’t matter; it was always possible for them to fail in their goal to protect her. They could only do so much on the grand scale of things.
“I have to do this Garrus-”
“No, you don’t. You want to do this. You want to be punished for killing all those Batarians. Spirits Shepard, I’m not an idiot. None of us on this ship are. We can all see how you have been handling this whole mission. You are fighting like every single day might be your last and you don’t think about who you’ll leave behind again by rushing to an early grave!”
Shepard recoiled at the way his voice rose and she turned to face him fully, her jaw still hanging at the surprise that she felt over the way he was speaking. Oh no, Garrus was upset and his voice was rising more as heat in his blood rose.
“I-I am not running to an early grave-” she tried to counter but Garrus wasn’t hearing it. He waved her off and turned quickly on his heel. He began to pace as he let the words he had already said sink in. Thane stood tense and still as he eyed both him and Shepard. His frills fluttered more in anxiety.
“I can’t do this. Not like this.” He said finally after Shepard had seemed to ponder what he had told her.
He shook his head and began to wring his hands as he contemplated what he had to do. Garrus knew that he had to make a choice and it was going to either be something he would regret or begrudgingly have to come to terms with within the long run. Thane seemed to sense that he was going to turn and leave so he stepped forward and held out his hands in an attempt to peace, “Garrus, I understand how you feel but maybe we should all take some time to process what has happened.”
Garrus snorted, that was gold coming from Thane, “Oh, now you want to take some time to process all this? That is exactly what I was trying to do before you stopped me. No, Thane, now we talk about it the way you wanted to.”
Now it was Thane’s turn to recoil at his outburst, although it was brief and he quickly recovered seeing as Garrus’s attention was on him now. Garrus mirrored Thane’s usual posture as he clasped his hands behind his back and straightened up to his full height. Garrus spent a few moments looking at Thane’s face to let himself soak in every detail he could about his features. He didn’t have a drell’s perfect memory so he knew that with time, this moment would cease to hurt as much as it did at that precise moment. He would never forget it, but he knew that his memory would never be able to compare to Thane’s.
After a few seconds of taking in the older drell’s concerned expression, Garrus stepped forward and reached out for Thane. Thane instinctively moved to meet him and watched him closely with those large dark eyes that held so much emotion, Garrus didn’t understand what others meant when they said Thane didn’t emote like them. Garrus’s talons grazed his face so lightly he almost didn’t touch him at all and Thane’s head had tilted towards him in an attempt to feel his touch but Garrus had pulled away before he could succeed.
“I can’t do this anymore,” he said again, echoing his earlier statement.
He turned and began to make his way towards the exit again but this time he stopped right in front of the doors and took in a deep breath as he gained his composure and clamped down hard on his subvocals that threatened to expose his pain, “I can’t be with you both like this.”
He ran his hand across his face as he could feel both sets of eyes on him. He turned half ways to look at them and knew that he was leaving his heart in that room as soon as he walked out of the cabin.
“I can’t be with someone who does not understand that there are other methods in attaining her goals and who doesn’t do anything but run to meet her death sooner than it’s meant to be. I would willingly give my own life to make sure you both are safe, but that’s the problem. You both are determined in making sure that I don’t because you have already resigned yourselves to death.”
He turned around fully to face them and he felt his mandibles tight against his face, “Shepard, you…don’t like that Cerberus brought you back and you are lashing out like a child. You run into every battle like you want to die again and that scares me the most. I don’t know if you even think about me or Thane…or anyone when you do half the things you do and that’s something that I don’t think I can handle. Not with you willingly choosing to potentially never return to us again. This might be the last time I even speak with you,”
He stopped as he chose his next words carefully,
“I will always have your back and I will always be by your side in the fight against the reapers, never doubt that. But this…this relationship…”
He felt his voice crack as he tried to regain his composure, “I don’t think it can continue the way it is.” He watched as the words sunk into Shepard. Her rigid posture went slack in disbelief and her face flashed with so many emotions that it was difficult for him to pinpoint any single one. He turned and watched as Thane also had an expression of shock written across his features.
“And Thane…I…I can’t go on anymore and pretend that things will be okay when they won’t be. You always make sure that we don’t focus on anything that is a problem and I get it, I do, but that has to stop eventually. I know you have been intentionally avoiding every topic about your Kepral’s and you have also been denying the treatments that Mordin has offered you,”
Again Garrus swallowed hard as he carefully worked out the words he needed to say, “Thane, I’m not trying to tell you what is the best way to handle your illness because this is something you have to decide yourself, but you have a son who wants you around. This isn’t just about me and Shepard. Kolyat…deserves a father who is around and you don’t see how your refusal to try anything available to you is making that kid feel. Or maybe you do…I don’t know. You refuse to talk about it with us. If I was Kolyat’s father-”
“You are not.” Thane cut him off, his voice trailing into an almost dark growl as his own anger flared. It passed quickly as he caught himself and he sighed as he folded his arms across his chest, a defensive action Garrus knew all too well, “I-I’m sorry…” Thane said softly, “I didn’t mean to-”
Garrus waved him off as he nodded, “I get it.”
Thane dropped his arms as he opened and closed his mouth a few times in an attempt to figure out how to respond, but before he could, Garrus stopped him in his tracks.
“I might be an idiot then for trying to be involved with Kolyat and for that I’m sorry, but I know one thing for sure.”
Shepard and Thane stilled as they watched Garrus turn around again and finally motion the doors to the cabin to open,
“If I hadn’t said any of this to either of you…you both would have had no problem with making me a widower. I’m…not going to give either of you that chance.”
With that, he made his way out of the cabin. He didn’t see how his final words pretty much slapped Thane and burned a hole through Shepard as they watched him leave.
The last thing either of them heard was EDI informing them that Garrus had requested that the Normandy drop him off on Palaven.