Work Text:
I lived in a no-man’s world
where a rusted sun pretended to know the matter,
when mirrors reflected nothing but pictures of the dead.
[...]
Where do I go from now when now seems like my past,
toothlessly singing the anthem, that soil-indulgent song?
When I asked the old frames to embrace me freshly cast,
I was walking backwards. And I was dead wrong.
- From "Walking Backwards" by Goran Simic
When the TARDIS landed shakily on the neglected dustball of a mining planet, her center column whirred and groaned in warning. There had been Daleks here, their timeships creating spikes in the ambient artron energy. The TARDIS wasn't used to not having to watch his back. The Doctor patted her console soothingly. He wasn't used to it either.
"Well, here we are," the Doctor said, turning to the spacer he'd picked up. The boy, Rayo, looked surprisingly unimpressed. "Unity, just outside Port Station - or what's left of it. Only, oh, three days before you'd have arrived if those pirates hadn't gotten to you."
"Three days," Rayo said.
"Problem?"
"No, three days is good," he said. "You have any guns around here?" The Doctor shook his head. "Fuck's sake, do you want to get me killed?" Another him, a younger him, would have said something disparaging. The Doctor flexed his right hand. He had no room to talk.
"If there's anything I can do..." Rayo hesitated.
"The Nightraiders are less likely to attack if there's more than one of us," he said at last. "I'll get a weapon from my mum's place and escort you back. She won't be happy with me, but she'll already be pissed off enough. Suppose one more black mark doesn't really matter."
"Your mother doesn't approve of your profession, then?" Rayo snorted.
"Oh, no, she approves of it. Anything to get me off this dustball and into my own profession. She told me never to come back, in fact." Rayo paused, but then he seemed to make a decision. "You see, Doctor, she's dying."
The Doctor followed Rayo through the narrow streets and the half-demolished shells of buildings. The few people they passed quickly looked away or glared suspiciously, but Rayo didn't seem to find it anything out of the ordinary. In the distance, a few streets away, the Doctor heard someone scream, but before he could investigate Rayo grabbed the sleeve of his jacket.
"Leave it," the boy said. "Too late for them anyway."
"But-"
"If you try, we'll both be just as fucked as they are. Besides, there's no point. They're probably already dead anyway."
"Is that what you tell yourself so you can sleep at night?" said the Doctor. Rayo shrugged.
"Better sleepless than dead. And I don't lose sleep, not about shit like that. That's just life. There are worse things out there; I've seen them."
"Just because there are worse things..."
"You want to stick your neck out, go right ahead. But if you want to live, you'll take my advice and stop being so naive." The Doctor snorted. After everything he'd seen, after all the things he'd done, the idea that a kid barely out of his teens would call him naive was ridiculous.
And yet, the streets were silent. There were no more screams, no cries for help. The rest of the city was just as unperturbed as Rayo, and it seemed more than likely that any help he could provide would come far too late. Reluctantly, the Doctor conceded the point and followed Rayo.
Eventually they had made their way to a street lined with row houses - only half of them in any inhabitable state. Rayo picked up pace and bounded up the stairs of one of the dwellings, but then he abruptly stopped.
"Mum won't be expecting me," he said, "much less you. Don't be surprised if she's... unwelcoming."
"Your mum? I wouldn't expect anything less." Rayo glared slightly, but he didn't say anything else. Instead, he turned back toward the door and knocked.
No response.
"Mum?" Rayo said, glancing nervously down the street even as he raised his voice slightly. "Mum, it's me."
"If this is trickery, your corpse will be left on my doorstep as a warning to other evil men." The Doctor's hearts tripped out of beat. The voice was old, but the cadence was undeniably familiar.
"It's just me, Mum, honest," Rayo said. The door opened a crack, an eye peeking out, and then an old woman with wild hair revealed herself.
"Rayo," she said, "did I not tell you to leave? You have a role to play in this universe, and it is not by my side." In spite of her harsh words, she hugged Rayo tight. At the foot of the front steps, the Doctor's face split into a wide grin. He hadn't thought about what had happened to his old companion, but he would have assumed her as dead as the rest of Gallifrey, if the warrior hadn't perished at some point during the rest of the Time War.
But she'd survived. Somehow, in spite of everything, Leela of the Sevateem had survived.
"Leela!" the Doctor said, bounding up the stairs. "Leela, am I glad to see you!" Leela took a step backwards into the shadowy house.
"Who is this man, Rayo?" she said. Rayo shrugged.
"Dunno," he said. "He didn't exactly introduce himself. He did save me, though, when my ship was attacked by pirates, and he's unarmed."
"He is a fool, then," said Leela. "I suppose that is better than a Nightraider."
"What are you talking about?" the Doctor said. "It's me, Leela." He gestured at his face - unfamiliar to her, yes, but she had lived on Gallifrey for at least some amount of time. "New face and all, but it's still me. It's the Doctor." Leela's eyes widened, and the Doctor gave her a toothy grin. "See?"
"Doctor," she said slowly, "it is truly you?"
"Yep, still me." Something in her eyes hardened.
"I see," she said, and then she turned to Rayo. "We must get inside. The Nightraiders have become bolder since the Unity Ship left." The Doctor followed Rayo inside. Leela hung her laser rifle by the door and led them into a small kitchen. She shuffled towards the stove, but Rayo cut her off.
"I've got it, Mum," he said.
"I am aging, not incapable," Leela said, but nevertheless she sat down at the worn wooden table. The Doctor shifted awkwardly in the doorway, unsure what to make of her cold welcome.
"Sit, Doctor," Leela said, breaking the awkward silence as they waited for the kettle to boil. Rayo glanced over at them.
"Actually, I'd better be going. People to meet, planets to save-"
"Doctor," Leela said again. The lines on her face - age lines, frown lines, too-shallow laugh lines - deepened. "You have come to me - for what purpose I do not know. You should sit. Unless you wish to be able to run?"
"No," the Doctor said quickly. "No, I'm not going to run." He sat down across from her. On the stove, the kettle began to whistle, and Rayo began to pour water over the teabags. Three mugs. The Doctor was meant to stay for a little while, at least.
"Why have you come for me, Doctor?" Leela said.
"I didn't know you were here," the Doctor said. "It's fantastic to see you, though, it really is." He hesitated. "How did you come to Unity? With the Time War and - and Gallifrey, I thought-"
"I should have fallen in battle," Leela said. "Instead, many years ago, I abandoned their war. I was separated from my friends, from Gallifrey's army. I found a place on Unity, and when they found me... I chose not to return. I had found something else I could fight for."
"I'm glad," the Doctor said. "I'm glad you got out." Leela snorted.
"I am no fool, Doctor, and I know that you are not a fool either," she said. "None of us could escape the War, no matter how far or fast we ran."
The Doctor had expected to be sent away after the tea - Rayo had certainly seemed ready to escort him back to the TARDIS. But instead Leela pointed to the couch and ordered him to stay, and the Doctor was hardly inclined to argue.
His sleep that night was less than restful, the memories coming even more easily since he was away from the calming psychic influence of the TARDIS. He got up before dawn, going out into the back garden and wondering whether it would be better to simply slip away while Rayo and Leela were asleep. No matter how much he wanted to see and speak with his old friend, there were so many things that haunted him here.
"You stayed." The Doctor whirled around. Leela was standing on the back stoop, leaning heavily on a makeshift walking cane. The Doctor stared at the cane, feeling slightly ill.
"You didn't need that yesterday," he said. Leela shrugged and slowly, painfully sat down on the back steps.
"Sit with me, Doctor," she said.
"I'd rather stand." Leela frowned and rapped her cane against the edge of the step.
"Sit," she said. "Our legends were not made for short stories." The Doctor reluctantly sat down next to her. For a long moment, they were both silent - Leela more easily than the Doctor.
"I may have abandoned Gallifrey," she said suddenly, "but Gallifrey never abandoned me."
"Leela, you don't owe me an explanation."
"You asked. I will answer," Leela said. "Gallifrey never abandoned me. She preserved me as I was when I first stepped foot there, a young warrior able to fight and protect my own. Even when I chose to stay on Unity, she never abandoned me, not until her end."
"Leela..." Leela fixed him with an armor-piercing gaze.
"I am dying, Doctor," she said. "Every day since the end of the War, I have grown older. The process is rapid, and it will end soon." She nodded toward the open doorway. "That is why I told Rayo to find his place in the stars. He should not have to see me age decades in mere months. He should remember me as I was in his childhood, not as a frail old woman who can hardly wield a weapon."
"I'm sorry," the Doctor said. His stomach twisted, another measure of guilt added to the weight he already carried. "I'm so sorry." Leela shrugged.
"I have had my time," she said. "Were it not for Gallifrey, my bones would already have crumbled to dust. Sometimes I think this is a fitting punishment for stealing so much time from Fate."
"And other times?"
"Other times I resent it," Leela said evenly. There was no hint of resentment in her voice now. "When I first noticed, I spent several days resenting it. I am done with that now. I do not want my life to end with that kind of resentment in my mind." The Doctor grimaced.
"I don't think I can manage that," he said. Leela glanced over at him.
"You are far older than when I last saw you, Doctor," she said.
"Well, it's been a long time."
"No," she said. "I think we are the same. I think we both have found ourselves unable to outrun time."
"How long did the War last for you?"
"I cannot count it," Leela said. "Far longer than my time before the War, and that was far longer than my natural span. When Gallifrey was with me, I could remember as your kind do. It has faded since." She paused. "21 years on Unity. I remember all those clearly, and I am grateful for that."
"And the time you traveled with me?" Leela shook her head.
"That was hundreds of years ago, Doctor. There are pieces, snatches of light and color, old words, but..."
"I'm sorry," he said again. Leela studied him for a moment.
"You remember it all," she said. The Doctor nodded.
"It's a bit faded, like an old photograph," he said. "A consequence of regeneration, that, but it's all in there." He tapped the side of his head. "There are things in here I'd rather forget, but there are some good things about being a Time Lord." Leela leaned back, closing her eyes against the rising sun.
"Tell me, Doctor," she said. "Tell me a story of when we traveled."
"I-"
"There is so much time that is lost to me. You owe me some part of it."
"Alright," the Doctor said. He crossed his arms, trying to find something - something good, something that he would want to remember if he lost it. "We were in the TARDIS- Do you remember the TARDIS?"
"I remember."
"We were in the TARDIS," he continued, "and we had just materialized when we picked up a distress call from Titan..."
Leela had fallen back asleep, her head resting against his knee, but the Doctor kept talking. It had been a long time since he'd thought about that time before the Time War, when the Vortex had opened up to so much more than destruction and pain and death. He jumped when the door behind him opened; he'd forgotten that it wasn't just him and Leela traveling the universe. Rayo popped his head out and glowered.
"Oh," he said, "you're still here."
"Yep," the Doctor said.
"I thought she'd have sent you on your way by now."
"No," he said, absentmindedly passing a hand through her brittle, bone-white hair. "No, she didn't. Believe me, I don't know why either."
"You were talking to her," Rayo said.
"It's not a crime."
"Mum was upset when she started forgetting things," Rayo said. "That's when she started talking about me going away."
"She said she still remembers you - her time with you, I mean."
"Yeah, well, she didn't know that then, did she?" Rayo hoisted the laser rifle dangling from his arm onto his shoulder. "I'll be leaving as soon as she wakes up. I want to say goodbye again, but I shouldn't stay."
"Why not?" the Doctor said.
"She doesn't want me to," the young man said, "and it might take a while to find a crew willing to take me on." Rayo hesitated in the doorway. "Will Mum let you stay? Until she dies, I mean." The Doctor felt like he'd been sucker-punched.
"I hope so," he said. "I'll stay as long as she wants me to, anyways." Rayo gave him a curt nod.
"Good," he said. "That's good."
That evening, when Rayo had gone again and the Nightraider violence sounded faintly in the streets, the Doctor spoke of many things. Leela was silent, mostly, that day's year weighing heavier than it seemed it should have. Then again, the Doctor didn't know much about human life cycles. No matter how much time he had spent with them, they tended not to stay long enough for him to get a handle on it.
The primitive coal stove had burned low and the Doctor's voice had gone slightly hoarse when Leela asked for the story he least wanted to tell.
"You were there at the end of the Time War," she said. "I know that. Tell me."
"Leela, I-"
"I want to know. I want to know how I was cut off from Gallifrey, what happened to my friends. I want to know, and you will tell me, because we were both warriors and we both lost the same things."
"I wasn't a warrior."
"Yes, you were."
"I didn't want to be a warrior." Leela hummed in acknowledgement. The Doctor stared into the dim coals, unwilling to meet her eyes. "I didn't want to do it. I didn't want any of it to happen the way it did."
"But it happened," Leela said, "and I want to know how." The Doctor sighed.
"The Daleks had made it through the defenses of Gallifrey. There'd been so many weapons thrown - by both of us - and Time was unraveling more quickly by the second. If they had destroyed Gallifrey, they wouldn't have stopped. And they would have used the weapons they'd developed for the Time War. There would have been so much more suffering, and eventually the Web of Time would have been destroyed and the universe doomed."
"I didn't ask you for your reasons," Leela said, though not unkindly. "I may hardly remember you, but I remember enough. I remember that you always had good reasons for what you chose to do."
"I'm not so sure myself, these days," the Doctor said. "Everything was so awful, but there should have been a better way." He paused. "There was a weapon. It was called the Moment - an ancient weapon kept in the depths of the Citadel, never to be used except in last resort. It had become... sentient, a moral being. It was horrified by its own creation, and legend said that it would use its power to poison the timeline of any Time Lord who used it."
"And you used it," Leela said.
"Yes," said the Doctor. "I did. The Moment - it could tear entire pieces from the Web while leaving the whole intact. It could patch the damage it left behind. With the press of a button, I rewrote history so that both Gallifrey and Skaro had never been." Leela was silent for a long time.
"So my friends are dead," she said. "My friends are dead, and my lifespan is restored."
"Yes." The Doctor wanted to apologize, but he knew that she wouldn't appreciate it. Sometimes an insufficient apology was worse than none at all.
"How did you survive, then, if the place you were born never was?" Leela said. The Doctor let out a shuddering breath.
"I don't know," he said. "I never thought I would. It was justice, really, after all I'd done. But I pressed the button, the Moment and Gallifrey and Skaro disappeared, and I was still there." He sighed. "I don't know why it chose not to erase me. Maybe it was punishment. Its moral imperative, to force me to go on when everyone else was gone."
"No."
"What?"
"No, it wasn't punishment," Leela said. "It was Fate. Fate saw that you were needed in the universe, and so Fate preserved you from the end of the War."
"I don't know if I believe in fate," the Doctor said. "Rassilon created a thread in the first days of Gallifrey, and that was supposed to be fate. The Time Lords were supposed to survive, ever-growing in power, until the end of Time. Look what that got him."
"That is not Fate," Leela said. "That is science. Fate is something much larger, much more real. Fate is the eyes of our ancestors watching us as we stay our course. Fate is the rise and fall of the sun, the circling of the stars. Fate is much larger than one thread, and it has its own plans. You survived, Doctor, and that means that Fate is not yet done with you."
"But everything else is gone."
"Not everything. The Time War still happened, you only have to step outside to see that. You and I still remember these things, if only in flashes, even when the friends and places seem to have never been. The Web of Time may not contain them, but they existed - they had to exist. They have to be. That, Doctor, is Fate."
"When did you become so wise?" the Doctor said. Leela laughed, then her laugh turned into a hacking cough. The Doctor turned to her, alarmed, but Leela waved off his concern.
"I've had a long time," she said when the coughing had stopped. "The elders were always known to be the wisest, and I am the oldest of them all."
The Doctor found Leela in her bed the next morning. She was already stiff with rigor mortis, hours gone. He buried her in her back garden, under a small, scraggly tree that had stubbornly refused to die in the Dalek assault. When he was done, he marked the spot and went down the rubble-lined road to his TARDIS.
The Web continued its mending. The Doctor left the battlefield and went back to his penance. Leela lay, peaceful and still, underneath the stunted maple. Fate rolled on.