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Kunimi is at the precipice of a never ending cycle — one step closer and he’s about to harbor the same feelings for Sakusa Kiyoomi again.
It’s because Sakusa is an eternal chase to the sun. Like getting sucked into a black hole. Pushing oneself into a time warp where nothing comes into place and all that happens eventually repeats within a given period of time.
There’s an illusion that time is too fast, but maybe his memory easily forgets experiences that everything in his mind quickly comes and goes.
He’s at the doorstep of Sakusa’s apartment unit. One doorbell, and he can hear the shuffling of feet against the floor when it resonates with the beating of his heart. He’s nervous, he’s also not, because maybe the sight of him will put Sakusa in distress.
“You’re here.” Stoicism in words.
Kunimi doesn’t have anything else to say, unless the owner of the unit asks a question. Which he’ll also hesitate to answer, but this is Kunimi — everything is done in reluctance.
Sakusa, as if he could tell that Kunimi didn’t understand the first statement he said, clears his throat and asks, “Why are you here?”
And the Miyagi native has already expected that. A part of Sakusa will always stay familiar with him, because half of his soul was given in exchange for Kunimi’s own. That, in itself, was how Kunimi realized how awfully stupid he was. Is.
“My sister is lost and I couldn’t call her. Your complex is the closest building from where I was so… here I am.”
This is the weirdest excuse Kunimi has ever said. Sakusa raises an eyebrow, taking a short trip down to memory lane and realizes that the former never forgets to bring a powerback, and he could’ve asked some help from the receptionist instead of coming all the way to the third floor of the complex just for him.
“Come in,” he says, even though he’s a hundred percent aware that Kunimi is lying.
Kunimi enters, taking off his coat as he walks into the genkan. He hangs it on the rack and slips off his shoes, trudging inside with only his socks on. Sakusa offers a charger which is already plugged in a socket. On the couch, they are sitting beside each other. There is a cautious distance. Sakusa stands up. Kunimi settles, his phone already feeding off of Sakusa's electricity bill.
Sakusa watches him. Fingers are typing, but the angle from where he’s standing covers what’s the rest on the phone screen. But the typing stops eventually, and Kunimi shifts his phone to landscape mode, and there’s a soft hymn coming from its small speakers. He then finds out that Kunimi is already playing a game.
“I thought your sister was lost.”
“Already found her,” Kunimi replies with suspicious immediacy.
“I think you played me here,” Sakusa says. “No, you played me. You lied to me.”
“Why would I lie,” the other deadpans.
Sakusa strides closer and snatches his guest’s phone with much speed and strength. Kunimi is left with no choice but to stand up and attempt to retrieve his phone. Sakusa dodges his reaches, much of an expert in such, and Kunimi gives up.
“Why are you really here? Why did you lie to me?”
“I always lie, don’t I?” Kunimi scoffs. “The last time I lied was when I told you I hated you.”
“And that’s another lie.”
“Might as well be,” quick to fire. “You’re sick, Sakusa.”
“Excuse me?”
“Fuck you."
“Fuck you, too,” Sakusa spits back. “I can smash your phone right now if you don’t tell me why the fuck you’re here.”
Kunimi doesn’t like his feelings, he never did. It’s a never ending spiral of knowing his emotions. He doesn’t like being weak. Doesn’t like crying over a man who wasn’t the least bit concerned when he left. “Why did you give up on me, on us, Sakusa—”
“I never did,” Sakusa says with stoned emphasis. Every word was a rock lodged in his throat. “I hate it when you… God, I hate you. You’re so self-centered.”
“So were you!”
“I had my reasons.” His voice can pierce a wall better than a drill. “I wanted you to realize you don’t deserve someone like me. I couldn’t let anyone in, you’re not a special exemption.”
“Shut the fuck up!”
Kunimi falls on the ground, legs folded, face hidden in his palms. Sakusa watches him weep, for the first time in a while, and he crouches down, caressing Kunimi’s hair. “I-I’m sorry.” Sorry feels like a different language jumping on Sakusa’s tongue, but he lets the tip of his knees hit the floor and pulls Kunimi closer to him, arms wrapped around his smaller figure, his arm squeezed against Sakusa’s chest. And touching is another foreign entity that he hates, but tonight is an exception, but Kunimi is small in his grasp. Kunimi needs a home, so he’ll be one for him.
Sakusa gulps a lump in his throat. “If you can suggest a different remedy, maybe it can ease your weeping a lot better—”
“Stay,” Kunimi croaks. “This is okay, Kiyoomi. I’m safe when I’m here.”
Kiyoomi.
“Then tell me why you’re here.”
“I don’t have anywhere else to go.”
This feels too new to Sakusa. Walking into unfamiliar alleyways has never failed to make him doubt his next step. He freezes in his spot, but melts after, and uses his hand to raise Kunimi’s chin. “Y-You can stay here. For the night, if that will suffice. If not, I will find you a new home.”
“You don’t want to be with me?”
“Of course I do, but we can’t stay together. If they find out, you’re done for.”
“I can wipe them out with a snap of my finger.”
“I can’t let you do that,” Sakusa retorts. “I may be ruthless in my own nature but I can never let you spill blood on the carpet. You’re… you’re better without me—”
“You think I don’t think of the same thing when you’re with me?” Kunimi rips away from the embrace. “I hate myself, too, but I will stay. I left because I was afraid of how my personality would affect you. We’re each other’s demons. But you couldn’t work it out with me, so I didn’t try either. We should stop thinking this will work.”
“You’re the only one who thought so.”
“Why did you hug me, then?”
“Because I still care.”
Because the premise of everything is always appreciation, Kunimi only smiles for half a second before completely submerging himself into sadness, significantly when he stands up and unplugs his phone, shoving it into his pocket as he grabs his coat from the rack. Slipping into his shoes, he waves his hand at Sakusa, a silent farewell, but Sakusa stands up and sprints to the door, telling him to wait.
“If I find you, will you try to find me?”
“Yes.” Kunimi is nothing short of sincere, not the liar he’s notorious for. “I will find you when you find me.”