Chapter Text
Was I ever good enough?
Mammon asked himself, looking down at the bright streetlights of the devildom.
The sky was black, the sun never shined in devildom after all but the night sky was adorned with stars looking down at him. They invited him warmly to join them..
To be the brightest star among them..But he was not born to be bright..
His eyes, once a blue full of life now dull. They followed the tiny figures beneath him. The streets were as lively as always..
It was.. scary, how the world keeps moving and going forward while he was stuck on this roof waiting for death to come embrace him..
It was haunting, like a reminder that he was nothing of value. That he made no difference.. and his breath couldn't help but hitch at the thought as tears filled his eyes.
How did I get here..
He wonders, but really.. how did things end like this?
How did the little desire for love, turn to this desperation and.. helplessness.
Maybe he was too greedy?.. greedy for love? Or maybe.. greedy to be seen? For protection? For help?
..
Greedy for what he used to have?
Maybe he was..
The clock slowly ticked to midnight, his brothers were probably asleep except for maybe Levi..
His lips lifted upwards at the thought, he's probably playing right now..
And Lucifer... Oh, Lucifer..
He's surely waiting in the dining room for mammon to come back home. It makes mammon happy to know someone is waiting for him.. But the same way it broke him to know he'll be welcomed with anger and disdain..
Just as if he didn't have a home.
He closed his eyes, the tears took the opportunity to stream down his face leaving behind a cold streak.
The clock hits 00:00 and his body goes cold, a tiny voice at the back of his head speaks softly to him.
𝖬𝖺𝗆𝗆𝗈𝗇．．𝗂𝗍'𝗌 𝗍𝗂𝗆𝖾
It whispered to him.. He looks down again. The streets continued to move and slowly emptied out. He didn't know why he was still standing. His legs refused to move.
"I'm.. scared.." he mumbled, choked up. He bit the inside of his mouth before whispering..
"Push me."
He felt something gently push him from behind.. but as he fell, and the edge of the roof became more distant he saw nobody there.
A wave of pain hit his body and everything slowly went black.
...
..P̸̧̨̻̳̜̥̙̟̗̿l̵̦̬͔̦̦͒͒́̏̑̒̿̊̕e̸̢̹͈̬̣͉̋̃̿̓̋̅͒̂̕ä̵̛̙͍̟͍͚́̍̏̈́̀̍͆͒̅s̶̢̛̱̠͒͛̎́̏̈́̽͒̕ė̶̛̼̗̘̑̂͛͑̀̀͊ ̸̦͐̑͋̇̽͑̽͠ͅs̵̛͓̤̆̀̾̓͒͜͝t̷̹͎̻͔͌̏à̵̛̺̣͊́̑́͛̂̏y̶̫̫̻̖͚͚̗̙̿̌͛͒ͅ ̵̹͕̇̒̑̈̈́́̓͘͝ã̸̭̯l̷̤̲̈́̽̆͊̀̌ȉ̸͍̘̘v̸̩̦̆̓è̸̡̛͍̰͈͙͖̀͜ ̴̣͋ͅf̵̱͚̠̿̋̀̈̈̒̉̕ȍ̴̡̺̰̖r̶̨̬̹̝̼̤̱̯̼̈́͛͌̀̾̐͑͂ ̸͙̾̿m̷̧͖͓̯̘͇̜̪̾̾́̋̕̚͜ě̶͉̰̖̪̤̝̲̟̭͖̈͊̑͊̈́́̇͆..
...
His eyes snapped open, His gasps filled the silence of the room as he clutched his chest..
where am I?
His eyes wandered around the room, a sense of familiarity washed over him, he's been here before..
"Mammon."
Mammon froze, he knew that voice.. a familiar voice. Familiarity wasn't something he needed right now.
The hair on his arms stood tall as chills went down his spine. He didn't like the serious voice that Called out for him.
"Lord diavolo.."
He whispered as if the name was heavy on his tongue. His eyes shifted to spot the tall silhouette against the bright lights of the lavish hall outside. blue eyes met gold.
He felt his heart pounding in his chest as diavolo approached him, each footstep echoing in his head. He was frozen, the colors drained from his face.. he was anxious, terrified.
He couldn't look away, his gaze stuck on diavolo..
He's scared.. he's confused, mad.. helpless.
Why is he here...
..
Why am I here..
.. I don't want to be here.
The room fell into an uncomfortable silence. Mammon felt like the world was pressing against his chest. Thoughts were running through and over his head before he could even process them.. what if he told them? What happens then.. and what happens now?
What is he going to do now..?
He flinched as diavolo's sharp and serious voice cut into the silence, addressing him again.
"Mammon.. what happened?"
The question made him feel nauseous. He eyes awkwardly wandered around the room with no specific purpose or destination. His voice refused to cooperate with him..
“mammon, answer me.."
Answer him..?
He couldn't, he doesn't know.. he doesn't have an explanation.. how can he look diavolo in the eyes and tell him just how miserable and pathetic he is?
"I.. I don't know.."
He answers, his voice trembled and his fear wasn't a secret. He felt small, helpless when diavolo's eyes narrowed.
He can feel it, Even without seeing it he can Imagine the look on diavolo's face.. His eyes turned to face diavolo as the latter approached him once again, placing his hands on mammon's shoulders and forcing him to look into his eyes.
"Did you jump? Did you try to kill yourself..?"
If mammon couldn't answer, the way his jaw dropped was enough. Kill himself..? What a blunt way to put it..but of course he did
His body started to tremble as he looked away in shame. He can't let diavolo know how sad his life was.. he was meant to stand tall and strong as one of the seven rulers of devildom. Not tremble and shake like a little lamb learning to walk.
He was.. so fucking weak.
Diavolo gritted his teeth as his grip on mammon's shoulders tightened.
Why?..
Why? Why?? Why!??..
..
Should he.. tell them?.. if he does would that really help?
He just wants to help..
But if he told them would mammon really get the help he needs..?
What does he do from here..
He thought about what to say, hesitating to even open his mouth to speak.. so he said nothing.
He slowly releases his grip, letting mammon's tense shoulders go before stepped backwards.. and leaving the room.
...
Direct orders from diavolo were given out. Mammon is to be put on school leave until further notice which caused a spark of confusion between the brothers. It was too sudden.
when Lucifer went to ask what that was about he was given vague answers and excuses. But diavolo's words are commands and he's not one to break them..
The situation became more tense when mammon returned home that day at night after disappearing for two days..he was so out of character. So quiet, lacking energy and looked just tired.
Ever since that day mammon refused to leave his room.
The confusion remained, the brothers wanted to know what happened. Why the sudden Change from mammon?.. was it connected to diavolo's sudden command?..
Levi walked through the hall, head glued to his game as he stood in front of one specific door and knocked to make his presence known.
“Mammon get down dinner is ready!”
levi said loudly. He knew mammon was going go refuse, saying he's not hungry so he continued before mammon had a chance to speak
"Come downstairs or Lucifer will come get you himself"
He spoke before turning and walking back to the dining room. With a sigh, mammon rolled himself out of bed, now sitting on the edge while looking at the ground..
"I.."
He trailed off as he caught a glimpse of himself on one of the mirrors..
"I look like shit.." He said with a huff before finally getting up and heading to the bathroom..
I don't want to do this.. he thought.
He entered the bathroom, flinching at the bright lights. He was sitting in darkness for the past days.. how edgy of him. He stood in front of the sink and looked the mirror..
Messy hair, red shot eyes.. he looks dead.
He sighs once more. His eyes trailed down along looks the scars that marred his wrist. It's been a while.. since he last held a razor to his skin. It just.. stopped helping, it didn't make him feel like it used to be..
Maybe, just maybe.. he can find another way.
But what if it's too late?..
His attention was brought back to sink as the cold water overflowed, dripping against his feet. When did he turn the sink on?.. did he plug thr drain..?
...
what if..
do it.
..
Do it!
...
DO IT.
𝗗𝗢 𝗜𝗧!!
do it.. do it,
mammon.
Do it.
DO IT. Do it.
𝗗𝗢 𝗜𝗧!! 𝗗𝗢 𝗜𝗧!!
COME ON! 𝗗𝗢 𝗜𝗧
DO IT. USELESS
DO IT!
HURRY! COME ON!! COWARD
DO IT DO IT!!
HAHAHA
USELESS! DO IT DOITDOIT DO IT!!
DIE WORTHLESS!!
DO IT DO IT DO IT DOIT
DO IT!!
“Mammon!”
!!
Panic filled him, His body twitched and his lungs burned. He pulled his head out the water, eyes wide and the sound of his desperate inhales overrode the banging on his door and the running sink.
He leaned down on the sink, pushing all his body weight against it.. he couldn't breathe, his chest tightened and his head felt light.
He's alive.
All the noises around him were distant, like he was in a wind tunnel. His vision blurred with tears as he turned to look at the door.
"Mammon, open the door" lucifer demanded. His voice caused mammon to freeze, the world around him slowed down.
Oh no.. Lucifer was mad.
"Open the door before I break it."
That line made his heart drain of its blood. He couldn't let Lucifer see him like this.. he couldn't. He turned the sink off before his body jerked forward and a loud gag left him followed by a mix of saliva, water and acid.
Holy shit..
he just..
he was going to.. what was that?
The door suddenly bursted open revealing an upset Lucifer. Mammon looked up, his disoriented, tear filled eyes looked straight into Lucifer's sharp and annoyed ones.
Something in Lucifer's face changed the second he saw mammon. His eyes glided through the scene from mammon's hunched over body, to the vomit on the ground, then mammon's wet face to finally the overflowing sink.
"What were you doing..? I've been calling you for the past three minutes." The pride demon asked slowly trying to see any signs of the usual energetic mammon but there were none.. like that wasn't his brother.
"S'rry.."
Was all mammon could say.. Lucifer frowned, mammon was calm..
Too calm, he wasn't defensive, he wasn't complaining.. just unnatural calmness that felt disturbing to Lucifer.
“clean yourself and come down. If beel ate your food Don't complain about it.. we'll talk about this later.”
With that, he left the room and soon mammon followed along. The walk there was awkward.
.
.
.
The brothers finally reunited at the dinner table. It's been a bit since all of them sat together due to mammon's absence. They were all in their little worlds enjoying the meal.
Levi playing, asmo talking and satan listening.. and it goes on but mammon remained quiet.
The food in front of him untouched..
His quietness didn't go unnoticed, it made the rest.. uncomfortable. He just sat there, lacking what made mammon.. well, mammon. His food was going cold as it was forgotten. He just looked at it but made no move to reach out and eat any of it.
"Mammon? Are you not going to eat?" Beel asked. Shifting everyone's attention to the white haired demon. His question went unanswered.. so he called again.
"Mammon?"
"Huh?"
Silence filled the room as mammon snapped out of whatever thought he was so deep in.
"... Are you okay?"
...
Mammon's eyes looked into Beelzebub's, why would beel ask him that..?
"I'm okay..?"
He replied before looking down at his food again.
oh, it's cold.
beels eyes refused to leave him and so did everyone else's. So he pushed the plate forward towards his younger brother.
"You can have it"
He said, but beel's frown only deepened as he pushed the plate back to him and spoke. "Eat."
Mammon said nothing but looked back at the food before picking up his fork and giving in. As he ate, he watched beel's worry fade and return to the satisfying look as he munched on what seemed to be his fourth plate.
After eating a bit, he stood up and headed to his room.
The bathroom echoed with gags and coughs as he bent over the toilet, finger shoved deep in his throat forcing him to gag violently.
His throat was burning. He felt sick.. his eyes close shut as he forced himself to vomit. Adding pressure to his stomach as a streak of saliva stretched from his mouth to his trembling fingers.
Please.. it burns..
Another violent gag, followed by a series of coughs and choked sobs as he felt the relief in his body after he threw up the food he forced himself to eat.
He felt pathetic. He is pathetic..
He's scared..
Everything about this situation was disgusting..
The sound..the smell..the feeling..
Everything.
At that moment he wanted everything to just.. go away..
Why is this happening to him
He wonders over and over again.. asking no one to be specific.. he just hoped he'd find an answer,
He just doesn't understand anymore..
He just wanted to rest.