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He counts the seconds between every faint drop into the tub. Five seconds, Three, Six, Two... The cigarette hangs low between his lips as he stares up at the ceiling. Taking a drag he bites down on the filter as he parts his lips to exhale the smoke.
It's cold now, but many things are without the heat of drive. The drive for justice making this empty house that much more bearable. Because the ghosts clung to the walls and echoed a purpose, give us justice, give us peace. Even they are gone now, and all Dongsik is left with is the phantom ache and the pussing wound he left to fester.
He pauses, not even a breath escapes, not a thought to cross his mind - and he waits for a creak. Dongsik waits for a sign that someone is there, someone not living. His eyes falling closed as he hears a faint tap, maybe a press of a foot to a loose floorboard. Of course, Dongsik is unsure if these were merely auditory hallucinations or if they were actually what he thought it was. But still, -
"I'm coming, Yuyeon-ah." He calls, grimly chipper as he leans forward and into a sitting position. His body feels weighed down, heavy, neglected. Water splashes, following the outline of his body like ghastly hands to drag him back - drown him in his liqueur and sadness.
Ever since Han Kihwan had been sentenced, brought to justice it was hard to swallow that it was really over. That this, this, fateful night had come - justice had been served, though it had not felt like it. Every once in a while he'd look in the mirror and expect that 20 year old face to be staring back at him. Because how had 20 years been robbed from him? From her? From them?
This night, that had felt like a dream, had come. Dongsik went about it awkwardly - he'd woken up, and something in his stomache had told him today was his last. It had to be today. He'd set out bowls more full than normal for the strays. He'd left a letter to Jihwa to take and give away everything and assigned a few momentos to his loved ones - and left Juwon his favorite mug, a folded up note that read 'I always wanted to hold your hand, maybe this is my selfish way of making that come true in death, I have always loved you'.
It was a dream, it had to be. Maybe.. after he did this he'd wake up, Yuyeon would scold him about over sleeping, his father would ask him if he wanted to play guitar with him, or his mother would ask him to garden with her. Or maybe they all would plan a trip.
His therapist had told him that this was all a result of undealt with truama - years of setting it aside, and self sacrificing had suppressed the origion of his truama. And now with not enough to drown it, his brain had went back in time - which is why he at times didn't recgonize himself. He hated it, as much as he needed it, he hated letting someone else know him.
Except for Han Juwon.
He reaches out a hand and feels the cold press of a shaving razor in his palm. Han Juwon, he lets a smile grace his face as his lips purse in a barely repressed impulse to utter the name with fondness. Melancholy, is what he feels. The man he'd lived another year for in hopes of holding onto him. It was selfish, but he would've lived for him. Maybe it was a bit foolish to think that Juwon would feel a spark he'd want to fan the flames of for him.
Though, for a moment, just a moment - Juwon had made him believe he was something more than the mess that he was, he was something worthwhile. That was enough, just a glimpse or a breath of that was enough - it had to be.
He tightens his fist around the razor, unshealthed so it doesn't hurt him.
It had to be enough, even if it only added to the empty weight in his chest. He cannot selfishly think of a kiss, or a touch, or a word. He wasn't worthy of it, so why even dare to dream?
Maybe he once was worthy, maybe at one point - before the world and he himself had dug it's nails into his carcass, what was left of him and torn him to bits.
Without another thought, he flicks open the razor and slides a thumb over the side of the blade. Tears blurring his vision now he takes a shakey breath in.
Perhaps, a switchblade would do more damage. But that was a bit barbaric, too messy. There was something classic and clean about a razor that Dongsik liked. There wasn't much choice in his life, but this was his control, this was his design. No one in his life had a choice in their death, and he failed everytime to protect them. Though here, right now - he has the choice. He could repent for his failures by giving up his own life. This was his choice in death.
He hears another creak... It's an old house, old houses creak - the ghosts have long since found peace and moved on. It's only him here, yet, as he takes his time to track the veins in his arms, skillfully, with the blade he whispers pained, in a breath that is laced with 2 decades of stolen time.
"Oppa is on his way." And lets the blade clatter against the bottom of the tub that quickly is turning red.
Except that creak wasn't just the product of an old house, and it was something very much alive, and something very much warm. Oh, how selfish Lee Dongsik was. He'd forgotten hadn't he? Such a silly old man, and such a hopeful young man with brilliantly shy hands and a remarkable gentleness in his eyes. A warmth that had only recently begun to spread to his eyes, ice prince no longer, thawing even on the coldest of evenings.
"Hyung?" Dongsik had thought he was cold before but even in the stupor of his blood loss he recognizes him and the remaining blood in his body runs cold - because even if the gods had taken away everything that made Lee Dongsik him, his memories, his voice, everything, everything - Lee Dongsik would love and know Han Juwon anywhere.
He doesn't answer, he doesn't have to, Juwon rushes into the bathroom as soon as he sees red in the cracked doorway. And he shouldn't be here - shouldn't see Dongsik like this, and yet here comes that selfish part, so happy that Juwon is the last face he'd see.
"Hyung, you're gonna be okay." He sobs, panicked as he holds Dongsik - and fumbles for his phone. Juwon has to redial a few times before he puts it in right, muttering curses in a mix between a british and american accent that sounds uniquely foreign in Dongsik's ears.
"I'm sorry, I'm sorry you have to go through this again." Juwon isn't listening, too busy calling an ambulance. "Juwon-ah, Hyung is sorry." He's still on the phone, and Dongsik cries - he cries because he's selfish, and he wants Juwon to listen once. He's selfish because Juwon is trying to save him and he doesn't want him to.
And he shouldn't be here, Juwon isn't supposed to be holding his weak body together. He's folded in his arms like a broken ragdoll, and Juwon holds him together with such earnest hope Dongsik could fool himself into thinking he will never fall apart again. It's so foolish, terribly and dangerously foolish to think that he could belong in his arms yet it feels right - and as his eyes drag up with a sluggish blink he meets those wide earthy colored pupils that blink in response. It's a trick of the light, it's his old heart, because Han Juwon wouldn't be naive enough to be tricked into falling in love with him.
"Are you listening Lee Dongsik?" He asks, worry all over his face, lines on his forehead from worrying so much - he wants to press his thumb between his eyebrows so he stops with that expression, kiss away his frown lines until they become laugh lines. He's such a fool, he thinks, all Lee Dongsik has done is listen. That's not something he regrets, maybe he regrets more not speaking truthfully.
"Lee Dongsik? Hyung?"
He closes his eyes and he can hear, listening, to Juwon's breath hitch. Feeling those arms and hands pull him closer and shake him. Calling out his name and he can feel himself slip away.
"Don't leave me, please, please don't leave me. Hyung, I'll pick up the phone, I'll visit, or I won't - I'll do anything." Dongsik takes a sharp breath in, he sounds wrecked, destroyed. He blinks, pulling himself up and out of his haze as he focuses on Juwon. The younger man is clearly panicked, not convinced that Dongsik has pulled himself completely, he continues to bargain. "I can't go on knowing that you're gone, Lee Dongsik, I can't walk this world knowing you're not in it with me - Please, let me be selfish one last time and stay with me, I'll give you everything I can, anything."
And then Juwon pulls him into his chest and sobs - his bloodied hand forcibly closing the wound on his right wrist and Dongsik feels the shake in the younger man's body as he sobs and sobs and Dongsik realizes a little too late ...
He cannot ask Juwon to give him his love, he cannot ask that. But Juwon has given him everything else.
"Juwon-ah." He starts, voice rattling like a broken wind through shutters - his ungrasped hand raising to pat Juwon on the back. "I'm sorry."
Somewhere between being held and the ambulance arriving, Dongsik passes out from blood loss. It was like a dream, and for a moment he convinces himself it was. That it was a fantasy he had hoped for while he was smoking on his back proch. When he wakes up, he's in a white room - and Juwon is at his side. He's fast asleep, still covered in blood and looking drained. He wonders how he got there, and the pain hits him - realizing it was not a dream, he's over come with self hatred.
It was a pity nothing went as planned.
He shifts, attempting to sit up, the bed made his back hurt. With a prolonged moan of the mattress, Juwon stirrs. The younger man blinks groggily for a moment, and Dongsik is as still as a statue - hoping he'd fall back to sleep. But of course he does not, instead their eyes meet in the dim hospital room and they say nothing.
Then, "How are you feeling?" Han Juwon, not the most eloquent man. Somehow, perusual, Dongsik is endeared.
"Disappointed." Dongsik supplies bluntly, and looks away before he can see Juwon wince.
It wasn't entirely true, he was relieved, angry, heartbroken, empty, warm. So much, too much to process. He felt like every part of him was so heavy, down to his cells, and yet afloat. The same 'afloat' he would feel as a child when he lay on his back in the water, holding Yuyeon's hand so they'd never float too far apart. Except he didn't have anyone to hold onto anymore.
Juwon's red hand slides across the bedsheets and covers his hand that's clenched tightly into a fist.
There's no hand to hold, he tells himself stubbornly, no hand at all.
"Dongsik," Juwon says his name like a plea, like an out stretched hand. "Lean on me."
He can't, He looks away, his fist clenches harder and Juwon traces up his wrist carefully minding his bandages and unravelling his fingers to fit his own inbetween.
"I can't drag you down with me."
"Not if I don't drag you down first."
He looks back over at Juwon, who has a levelled and equally stubborn gaze.
"I'm in love with you, nothing you do or say is going to change that." He believes him, Juwon is determined and gentle in this area even if he himself does not believe it. He wouldn't lie to him, maybe this is why it feels like a canonball is dropped into his stomach and yet he feels so light at the same time.
"You can't," Dongsik denies, shaking his head. "You shouldn't."
"I can," Juwon lifts his hand to kiss at his knuckles, and presses them to his own cheek. "and I will."
Dongsik hangs his head and sobs this time, feeling Juwon shift and sit on the bed next to him. He finds himself leaning into him, and Juwon leans back.
"I love you too."
Juwon hums in response, petting his hair. Dongsik melts, and falls into a dreamless sleep to which he thinks... he wants to wake up from for once in a very long while. He sleeps in a black warm, and not at all terrifying darkness because he knows someone is waiting for him, someone is holding his hand so he doesn't float too far away.
A week later, Han Juwon is waiting for him outside the hospital after he stayed in an inpatient program to make sure he was at least a bit more stable before being let out.
"Wonie." He greets, lifting his hand to pinch at Juwon's cheek to which he narrowly avoids with a sharp turn of his head. Dongsik makes a show of pouting that makes Juwon roll his eyes affectionately, and earns him a kiss.
"Get in." Juwon nudges his head to his car and opens the door. (Dongsik purrs 'what a gentleman' flirtily as he slides in.)
"Are you taking me on a date, Inspector Han? It's all of a sudden, I didn't come prepared." He touches his cheeks with the back of his hand as he fauxes a shocked expression.
Juwon rolls his eyes and tries to swallow his rather telling smile before he realizes he doesn't have to hide it anymore and lets it spread across his face.
"Well, I didn't get to take you on a Valentine's day date..." Juwon says lowly, all shy and flustered.
"Oh yeah, becau..." Realization falls and the air in the car becomes awkward.
February 14th, at 5:43 pm Han Juwon had found him bleeding out in his tub.
Dongsik had been good at pretended it didn't happen - and Juwon was graceful enough to understand Dongsik's hatred for getting into it.
But right now, Juwon's hand was facing up as it lay limply inbetween the seats like an open invitation. And Dongsik.. Well, Dongsik would be a fool not to accept - so he slips his fingers between the perfect spaces of Juwon's and he thinks that maybe he can, maybe he's allowed to think that Juwon is made for him. Maybe he's allowed this one private, selfish, indulgent thought.
Juwon wines and dines him at a fancy high end western resturant, and smiles coolly when he flaunts his knowledge on fine wines and Dongsik supresses a giggle when he tells him he's peacocking, which ruffles his feathers and Dongsik tries not to tell him to stop pouting.
They hold hands as they walk to the car, which was parked a ways away from the restaurant because they could walk along the Han River. It was romantic, and Juwon was definitely showing off - though everytime their eyes met it was with a new kind of earnestness that was not there before.
'See? I can make you happy.' Juwon was reaching out with a new gusto, a new type of honest desperation. This pick me was not for love, Juwon knew he had that, now it was for life. Live with me.
Dongsik could not make that promise, he could not lie to him and make promises that he could not tell him he could keep. Juwon knew that so he didn't ask him to, and so Dongsik didn't speak.
"Live with me." He says, and Dongsik is fearful for a moment - was he wrong? "That house, it hurts you, so live with me."
Oh. Oh.
"Aren't you moving a bit fast, Juwon-ah?" He teases, swallowing the nerves and emotions bouncing around in his head and heart.
"No," Of course, always so blunt. "Well, maybe, but already moved some of your belongings over incase."
"So forward and well prepared." He praises him, and pets his shoulder as Juwon wraps his arms around him. Winter air clings to Seoul and makes a puffs between them as Juwon sighs brattily.
"Answer me." Oh, Juwon is acting cute now? For him?
"How about I sleep over tonight? Hm?" He reasons, and Juwon leans into the hand he offers as he cradles his cheek which has grown splotchy and red.
"Okay."
Neither of them had meant for it to happen, but they crossed into the threshold of Juwon's apartment and suddenly Dongsik was moved. The apartment he had known, had felt lifeless, barely lived in. Now, it felt more human.
Juwon had swapped out the cool tones for warmer ones but parts of the coldness still was there. Magnets on the fridge, mostly little trinkets looked to picked out or even hand made by children. A paticular little artwork with 'Thank you, Inspector Han!' written down the side stuck out to him. Framed pictures of the Manyang Gang and Kwon Hyuk sprinkled here and there.
"Did you get a cat?" Dongsik nearly yelped, almost running up to the sleeping persian cat who napped by the window.
And in a very Juwon style, "The situation was forced upon me."
Dongsik laughs. "Forced?" He prompts and Juwon looks away.
"After you, uhm, after your arrest I drank myself stupid for a month straight and uhm, did some unsavory things. Kwon's solution to this was to buy me a pet." He would not look at Dongsik and opted the wall and floor were better options.
Dongsik spares him. "Did it work?"
"Yes." Finally, Juwon looks at him and Dongsik smiles encouragingly.
"That's good." He turns to the cat and listens to her purr as he scratches under her chin. "What's her name?"
"Cleocatra."
Dongsik laughs. "So you do have a sense of humor?"
Juwon purses his lips to supress a smile and rolls his eyes. "Only on Sundays."
"Today is monday."
"I named her on Sunday, too bad, you should've heard me yesterday." He says coyly, he loves Han Juwon - all of him, but Dongsik thinks he loves this him the most.
His hair a bit tossled, a bit vulnerable but no accompanying fear or anger. Nothing held this Juwon down expect for... Well, execpt for...
"Dongsik." Juwon says quietly into the space between their mouths. "Hyung." A breath more desperate as he steps closer, Dongsik steps back only because he leads them toward the bed.
"Juwon-ah." He responds, tugging by the slightly open dress shirt - a few buttons undone as he was halfway through getting ready for a shower.
"Are you sure?" Juwon's hesitant and careful eyes open to peer down at the older man.
Dongsik nods, sliding his hand up and into his hair to which Juwon leans into and hums. Like a cat, he laughs and Juwon opens his eyes to look at him again. The back of his knees hit the bed and Dongsik pulls him down.
Nothing held Juwon down expect for Dongsik, wrapping his legs around his waist - tugging on his hair. Juwon sunk deep, deeper, deeper down into him. And when Dongsik thought he'd hit rock bottom he carved a place for his hands to dig deeper yet. But that was okay, because Dongsik carved a place for his nails along Juwon's spine.
For once in his long miserable 20 years, Dongsik felt good, he felt afloat with a hand to hold. He felt alright with watery darkness, because he wasn't cold or alone. Arms wrapped around him securely and the walls of Juwon's apartment didn't creak, or groan, or moan.
In the afterward, he kept his eyes closed and listened to the noise of something living, and the feeling of something alive.
When morning came, even with no sleep he felt energized. He made breakfast - and kissed Han Juwon, Han Juwon whom he'd have the rest of his life to kiss. A life he was looking forward to for once. One that was not fueled by only revenge or justice. It was fueled simply by living, and loving and being loved.
"I'll move in with you." He agrees, and watches Juwon stay quiet for a moment as he chews on his rice and egg.
He's fixed with a look. "Hyung," He says, eyebrows furrowed in a serious expression along with something pouty lining his eyes. "Did you sleep?"
Suddenly, Dongsik feels scolded. "No."
"Go to bed." He's shooed, almost picked up and dragged back to the sheets.
"Wonie, I'm okay, seri-"
"No." Han Juwon stands his ground even in the face of Dongsik's cute nicknames.
Dongsik huffs as Juwon wraps him up in the sheets, and as he turns to go he catches him. "Stay."
Juwon shakes off his hand and walks away, Dongsik could almost cry. Maybe it's unattractive for a manat his age to be clingy, he should leave that to Juwon. And then the bed shifts and Juwon pets his head.
"I'm right here." He says, shifting closer and he can hear him open his labtop. "I have some paperwork I need to do, so you can just rest. I'll be right here."
Dongsik feels tears brim his eyes as he turns and pushes his face into Juwon's thigh. "You're right here, and I'm right here." As if to confirm it.
"Yeah." Juwon pets his head again.
"Yeah." Dongsik echoes, and that acknowledgment is enough for Dongsik to relax and allow sleep to slowly ebb away at him.
Juwon had not fixed him, nor did Dongsik need him to - but he was enough of a reason for him to try and fix himself.