Chapter Text
“Yeah, it saved dad’s life. But i’ll tell you something else that happened.." He says as he watches her. Trying to keep his voice steady as he continues, despite his mother ignoring him. "Because on November 2, 1983, old yellow eyes came waltzing into Sammy’s room, because of your deal."
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“And most importantly?" He’s asking Dean, the older brother already looking to where Sam is sitting, watching tv.
Quickly turning back as he nods, instantly answering. “Watch out for Sammy." That was what he had to do. Ever since their father had given Sam to him and told him to get out of the house, to get his brother to safety. Ever since that night, he had always been watching out for his little brother. Trying to keep him safe from the world of nightmares, a world kids their age shouldn’t know about. Something that Dean shouldn’t be learning already how to fight.
Ever since that fire, their life had never been normal. Never like other kids, whose parents or friends only mentioned such things believing them to be just stories. Nothing else. No truth. How wrong they all were.
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“ You left us. Alone. ‘Cause Dad was just a shell. His perfect wife? Gone. Our perfect Mom, the perfect family… was gone. And I… I had to be… more than just a brother. I had to be a father and I had to be a mother, to keep him safe." As she continues to ignore him, his frown deepens, blinking before he grits his teeth and forces himself to continue. "And that wasn’t fair. And I couldn’t do it. And you wanna know what that was like?"
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He had only left for a short while, just to grab something. He hadn’t expected to come back to his brother being cradled in his father’s arms, barely responsive. John quickly spots the movement, eyes raising to stare at his other son as he holds Sam close. "Where were you?"
Knowing the response, but he doesn’t try and lie, hands tucked into his pockets as worried eyes focus on his brother. Alive, but barely. All because Dean didn’t follow orders. He nearly lost his brother because of his stupidity. Even as he explains, even as his father yells, his gaze doesn’t turn from Sam. He wouldn’t do it again. He wouldn’t lose Sam.
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He moves around the crib in an attempt to get Mary’s attention, hands curling into fists as she turns away again, avoiding him. Acting as if his words mean nothing. That what they went through meant nothing. "They killed the girl that he loved. He got possessed by Lucifer. They tortured him in Hell. And he lost his soul."
“His soul." He pauses to let the words sink in, infuriated when he still sees no reaction, shaking his head as he stays where he was, beside Sam’s crib. By Sam’s side as he always was. "All because of you. All of it was because of you."
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“I guess that’s what I do." He says as he looks to Sam’s lifeless body, hand pressed to his forehead as he rubs his eyes, trying not to let the tears continue to fall. "I let down the people I love."
That’s all he seemed to do. He failed to follow his father’s orders and nearly got Sam killed. Then he wasn’t there when Sam needed him. And then he’d been too late as the knife had found it’s way in Sam’s back, not even caring to go after the fleeing man as he races forward, falling to his knees as he catches Sam.
And now, he was laid back on the bed. Could have been mistaken for being asleep, if not for how pale his skin was.
In the end, he can’t let Sam die. He can’t just give him a hunter’s funeral. Even knowing the risks, he still went to that crossroad, still made that deal. Funny, that he still managed to be pulled from Hell, just to find himself a few years later stuck with a demon. And now trapped whilst the Darkness was free to wander the earth.
“And I understand… ‘cause I have made deals to save the ones I love more than once."