Chapter Text
The harsh bathroom light burns through Felix’s eyelids, like an unwanted glare of sun in the early morning. His head is thrown back against the mirror, mind hazy and tongue still burning from the bitter taste of vodka. The sink's edge is digging into his lower back, but his skin feels numb underneath the layer of clothes.
He can hear his own breathing mix with the pounding bass reverberating through the walls, a constant thrum echoing in his bones. He tilts his head down, opens his eyes to look at the girl kneeling in front of him, her long hair tangled between his fingers.
Felix groans when she wraps her lips around him, taking him down to the hilt and swallowing. Fuck, he can almost feel his body slipping through solid ground.
It doesn’t take long before the liquid heat in his gut turns burning, the downright pornographic sounds of her mouth on his cock and the alcohol making his head swim. The blend of sensation taking him higher and higher, legs unsteady from the pressure of his orgasm.
He puts his hands on the sink behind him, gulping big breaths and grounding himself on wobbly feet. He might’ve drunk more than he should’ve if the sudden dizziness is any indication.
There’s a loud bang against the bathroom door, hard enough to rattle the wood, and a voice yelling something Felix deciphers as get the fuck out, I need to piss. The girl spits into the sink and bends down to gulp some water directly from the tap. Felix fleetingly thinks he should ask for her name now, or return the favor, but she heads for the door before he can utter a word. She doesn’t even look in his direction, but it’s fine, the moment is lost and so is her interest apparently.
The guy from outside shoulders past her muttering some words Felix can't comprehend, and walks toward the toilet with purpose. Felix isn’t exactly interested in being his audience, so he steps out of the bathroom and heads for the kitchen where he last saw his friends.
Trudging through the house’s cramped hallways, he watches as people swing their arms in drunken delight, spilling their drinks over the already stained carpet. Whatever poor soul owns this house should’ve thought of the consequences before bringing more than fifty college students into their home. If this even is a home. Maybe it’s rented or something—not Felix’s problem anyway.
His skin feels like one giant nerve ending after the lethargy of pleasure settles in, and every time someone pushes against him in passing, Felix has to fight the urge to flinch away. His hands are clammy and there’s sweat dripping down his neck, but he’s high on the atmosphere. He can admit there’s an unhinged part of him that’s thoroughly satiated only when he lets go like this. Felix doesn’t bother with parties that often, but sometimes it’s nice to forget about the responsibilities waiting for him on Monday. Unclench for once, as Jisung likes to describe it.
He walks through the large living room that’s been redecorated into a makeshift dance floor, with all the furniture pushed into the corners. Some cheap red and blue lights are dangling from the ceiling, illuminating the moving bodies in the center of the room. Felix spots Jisung and Minho among others, dancing a little too close to be called friendly. They’re so fucking obvious, Felix thinks fondly, turning away and pretending he didn’t see anything.
He stumbles into the kitchen, hand already finding a bottle of vodka on the counter and an empty (hopefully clean) cup. He’s mixing it with some orange juice—which isn’t his first or tenth choice usually, but he’s far from gone enough to drink straight vodka.
Felix takes a sip of his drink and looks up to see his friends standing a few feet away, in the same place where he left them before. Chan and Changbin leaned against one counter and Hyunjin perched on top of the other across from them.
Chan notices him first, stopping whatever conversation they were having and smiling at Felix. His cheeks are rosy with alcohol and the heat of the party, but both he and Changbin are nursing a beer in hand, so Felix figures they’re not up to getting wasted tonight. Good to know, because he’s already feeling pretty unsteady.
“Hey,” Chan says. Felix mumbles a greeting back, leaning a hand on the counter in front of him. “Where were you?”
“Just… bathroom.” Felix waves him off, hoping to look less fucked up than he feels.
Chan says something more, but it gets lost in the loud music, or it’s just Felix’s ears refusing to pick up sound properly. He feels eyes burning a hole through the side of his head, and when he turns towards Hyunjin, he's staring right at Felix, face passive and seemingly bored. Felix knows he’s far from disinterest though, judging by the quick sweep of Hyunjin’s eyes that run up and down his body.
Felix turns to his drink again, taking a big gulp of it and grimacing at the taste. His stomach swoops dangerously right after, and he’s not sure if it’s from the vodka or because he can feel Hyunjin practically undressing him with his eyes.
As soon as his empty cup hits the counter, he feels a warm presence against his side, but distant enough to seem casual to anyone who might be watching. Their friends in particular, who went back to their conversation already, oblivious to Felix’s inner turmoil. A shiver travels down his spine when Hyunjin leans closer to talk directly into his ear.
“Where’s your girl?” He asks, friendly enough.
Felix snorts, an ugly drunken sound. Hyunjin must’ve witnessed his earlier stumble to the bathroom, or maybe Felix just has that freshly fucked aura surrounding him. It wouldn’t be an unfamiliar sight to Hyunjin, anyway.
“Not my girl.” Felix turns to look at him, their faces only centimeters apart. “She left before I got her name.”
Hyunjin hums, eyes darting to Felix’s mussed-up hair and probably smudged eyeliner, before they travel down to his lips. He smiles when Felix’s breath hitches. “You fucked her?”
Felix closes his eyes for a moment and prays to whatever deity is watching over him. There’s something to be said about Hyunjin’s lips, and there’s a completely different conversation to be had about the way they curl around the word fuck. Felix is aware that the bar is on the floor, but his dick doesn’t seem to mind in the slightest.
“Nah,” he sighs, “Some guy interrupted us.”
He feels fingers on the side of his neck, trailing a path to his collarbones, where his shirt’s ridden down slightly. He shudders, overheated and obvious. Felix hears Hyunjin’s quiet laugh, before dragging his eyes open and squinting at the bright lights of the kitchen. Too bright for a party, or maybe his eyes are too unfocused to make any lighting comfortable.
The gentle scratch of Hyunjin’s nails on his neck drags Felix’s focus back instantly. He feels the touch down to his feet, the heat behind his navel rising once again.
“Sensitive?” Hyunjin simpers, the shit-eating grin he’s wearing contrasting with the tone. Felix hears what that one-word question implies. Did she make you come? Was that enough for you?
Felix rolls his eyes and bats at Hyunjin’s hand, turning away to pour another drink for himself. His brain is screaming very bad idea but he needs something to distract him from how utterly fucking sinful Hyunjin looks right now.
He feels arms slink around his middle, head leaned on his shoulder to watch Felix stumble over what should be a simple two-step process. Pour the vodka, pour the juice. Easy. Felix’s hands shake, and he misses the rim of the cup, a few drops landing on the counter.
“Was she good?” Hyunjin whispers into his neck. Felix feels the words on his skin more than he hears them.
He abandons his disgusting excuse for a drink and takes a steadying breath. When he looks up he sees that Chan and Changbin aren’t in the kitchen anymore. Felix has no idea when they left or what they saw, but he can't find it in himself to care at the moment. There are a couple of people still scattered around the room, either downing their own drinks or immersed in conversation.
“Fucking legendary,” Felix breathes, both hands now leaning on the counter. His head is swimming even more than before, blending in with the low thrum of arousal in his gut, jeans tight around his half-hard cock. Hyunjin reaches a hand around him and dumps the cup Felix prepared into the sink. He’d tell Hyunjin to mind his own fucking business, but Felix is also aware that he’s past the limit of comfortable drunk. He’s steering into the sloppy territory and there’s no way that would end pretty for him.
Hyunjin turns him around so he can look at Felix’s face as he asks, “Better than me?”
Fuck no, Felix thinks and almost blurts the words out. He stops himself because he’s not in the business of stroking Hyunjin’s ego, but from the expression on his face, he must already know what the answer is.
It’s a fairly unnecessary question, and Felix would mistake it for jealousy if he didn’t know any better. There’s no space for jealousy between them, though. There’s lust and desire and raw need, but that’s all. Felix likes it like that and he knows Hyunjin does too.
Felix pats him on the cheek condescendingly, tilting his head. “Yeah. You should work on your skills, pretty boy.”
Hyunjin huffs out a laugh, eyes pointedly looking down where Felix’s jeans are straining against his erection. “I don’t think that’s necessary.”
“That’s just ‘cause I’m drunk,” Felix slurs slightly, mouth forming the words without his control. “I’m always worked up when I’m drunk.”
“Oh, I know,” Hyunjin says, smiling wide and too knowing for Felix’s liking. He moves away, finally giving Felix some space to breathe even though he’s already feeling cold from the distance. “Let’s get you home.”
“Already?” Felix groans. “It’s not even midnight!”
“It’s two am,” Hyunjin says, "and you're one drink away from passing out."
Felix wonders about the intricate passage of time for two seconds before he realizes that he’s actually drunk off his ass right now. Why should he know what time is it? And why is Hyunjin apparently completely sober at a party? Where’s the fun in that?
Before he can ask any of those questions, he’s being dragged out of the kitchen and into the living room with ugly red-blue lights and makeshift dance floors. Hyunjin doesn’t linger in the room, taking Felix outside and dropping him on the small porch in front of the house. Felix groans and slides down to sit against the railing, closing his eyes.
It’s cold tonight, enough to kill any and all arousal Felix’s been feeling—he shivers but doesn’t get up from the floor.
“Don’t fall asleep, we’re leaving in a minute,” he hears Hyunjin say from above, but his brain barely registers the words.
The next thing he knows Hyunjin is lifting him up again, and all four of their friends are carefully descending the steps toward the street. Minho and Jisung look slightly more drunk than they did last time, but they’re walking on their own, unlike Felix who is for some reason leaning half his weight on Hyunjin’s side.
Hyunjin is warm and solid against him, and he doesn’t really want to separate from that warmth, but it’s the principle. Hyunjin is not his caretaker or his fucking boyfriend for that matter, which just makes this all the more embarrassing. They’re friends, sure, but the way Hyunjin can jump from foreplay to let’s get your sloppy ass home doesn’t sit right with Felix. It’s too intimate somehow.
Probably the alcohol speaking, Felix thinks, you’re imagining things.
“I can walk by myself,” he grumbles, detaching himself from Hyunjin.
“Don’t blame me if you fall on your face,” Hyunjin shrugs.
“You okay, buddy?” Changbin asks, materializing at his side. He pats Felix on the back, which messes up his carefully retained balance, causing him to stumble slightly before Changbin catches him, laughing at Felix’s misery the whole time.
“You’re fucking sloshed,” Jisung giggles in front of them.
Felix sees Hyunjin smirk in his periphery, an obvious equivalent to I told you so. Felix should really rethink his choice of friends tomorrow morning.
“You’re no better, asshole,” Felix says to Jisung, who turns from lovingly staring into Minho’s eyes—or whatever the fuck they were just doing—mouth open with a retort.
“Shut up, you’re both drunk and annoying,” Chan says with finality. “Is anyone else hungry?”
They all agree, loud and clear, so Chan has to shush them again like a weary kindergarten teacher. Stumbling their way to the 24h diner that’s close to campus takes almost half an hour when in reality it’s only a ten-minute walk. That’s how long it took them to get to the house for the party, but back then Felix’s legs weren’t made of jelly and cheap vodka.
He refuses help, so they all have to walk slower for Felix to catch up. Jisung is a loud drunk, and Minho is an energetic drunk, which makes for a lot of running, laughing, and yelling that echoes through the empty streets.
They somehow make it to the diner without anyone falling along the way, and sit in an empty booth. There’re a few more people occupying some of the tables—a group of students like them, and an older couple who seem to be isolated in their own world.
The walk settled Felix’s stomach enough to have him starving, and the cold managed to clear most of the dizziness in his head. He’s tired now, more than anything, ready to drop into bed and refuse to get up for the next two days.
Felix drinks two glasses of water to soothe his parched mouth and dives into his food with a fervor that only comes to him when he eats this late. Their table quiets down when the food arrives, and after they’ve eaten even Jisung seems to be losing whatever it was that's been keeping him lively. He’s leaning on Minho’s shoulder, both eyes slipping shut every five seconds.
“Where were you guys?” Changbin asks them, leaning back in his seat. “I barely saw you the whole night.”
There’s a small smile on his face that says he knows they’ve been too caught up in each other to notice anyone else exists, but no one calls them out on it. They’re all just waiting for confirmation at this point, but it’s hard not to notice when people are so in love. They’re disgustingly sweet to each other and probably too scared to spoil it by calling it a relationship.
“We were dancing,” Jisung spreads a hand out slowly, more due to tiredness than for the sake of theatrics. “Minho is a great dancer,” he adds dreamily, looking up into Minho’s eyes as they smile at each other.
Felix slumps into his chair. “Yeah, we know,” he says. “He literally does that for a living.”
They both glare at him, but they’re too giddy to keep it up for long. There’s something about the aftermath of parties that mellows them down, makes them less cagey with their affection.
Felix is happy for them, for whatever they have, especially when he sees how happy Jisung is these days. Felix has known him since high school and he doesn’t think he’s ever seen Jisung so enamored with someone.
When they were still freshmen and Felix had a world of new people to explore and meet, he tried to find that for himself. He went on some dates, started a few relationships, but none of them lasted for more than a couple of weeks. Felix doesn’t know what it was, but he just never managed to build something real.
The sex was great with some of them, and with others he didn’t even get to that point, but there was never anything to tether him to the actual relationship. He assumed the feelings would come when he actually got to know the person, but in the meantime, it was too empty to be considered worth it. So, he’d cut it off, or the other person would, when they realized he wasn’t always bubbly and talkative and friendly.
“What about you?” Minho’s voice snaps Felix from his musings, but he realizes the question is directed at all of them.
Changbin shrugs. “The party was kinda boring. That house does have a great backyard, though,” he says. “Chan and I were outside when Hyunjin called.”
Felix frowns before realizing that they didn’t all just magically appear at the front door while Felix was slumped on the floor. Hyunjin must’ve called them all out so they can leave together. He feels a little bad for cutting the night short, but then again, Changbin’s right, it wasn’t that great of a party.
“That’s why you were so hungry,” Minho says. He points an accusing finger at them both, leaning closer. "I knew it. Your eyes are red.”
“I can’t believe you didn’t invite us to smoke with you,” Jisung gasps, hands clutching at his chest. “The betrayal.”
“You were all over each other,” Chan says, rolling his eyes. “We didn’t want to interrupt.”
Jisung sputters out something that resembles a laugh, and Minho looks solely unbothered. His eyes flit between Felix and Hyunjin, with a look that is far too knowing to be innocent. Felix suspects that Minho just catches on quickly. It’s not that he has some sixth sense that can see through their bullshit, it’s just that the rest of them can be pretty fucking oblivious.
“And you two?” He asks. “What were you doing?”
“I was scraping Felix off the kitchen floor,” Hyunjin says without missing a beat.
Felix glares at him, but it’s half-hearted at best. “Fuck off. I didn’t ask you to be my babysitter.”
Hyunjin shrugs, not breaking eye contact. “What are friends for?”
Felix’s glare quickly turns unimpressed. Friends. There’s a load of shit hidden behind that word, and Felix doesn’t think he’ll ever be ready to unpack it. Hyunjin likes to remind him though. Friends, friends, friends, he says it like it’s a ticking time bomb. Like Felix is naïve enough to think that it won’t blow up in their faces sooner or later.
“Leave him alone, Hyunjin,” Changbin says, patting Felix on the head. “I had to carry you to the dorms last weekend, in case you don’t remember. Which you don’t, because you were passed out the whole way.” He clutches at his back with a put-upon groan. “I think you permanently fucked up my spine.”
“I said I was sorry,” Hyunjin mumbles, not looking very repentant. “And see? I didn’t drink anything tonight. I was very responsible.”
“Until next time,” Felix says ominously.
He swipes Jisung’s glass of water that’s lying full in front of him and sips from it. Jisung has his eyes closed, while Minho is carding soft fingers through his hair, like he’s petting a cat. Chan is leaned back in his seat, staring at the ceiling like he’s wondering what they’re still doing sitting here, but doesn’t want to get up himself. The chatter of people in the diner is a hum to Felix’s ears and he feels his eyes slip shut on their own.
“Tell them about that girl you met, Felix.”
Of course, Hyunjin has to spoil the peace for him. Felix opens his eyes, only to see four heads swivel to look at him in various degrees of interest. Despite the fact he was practically sleeping a moment ago, Jisung is the first one to speak.
“You met someone?” Felix winces at the volume, even though it’s not a shout exactly, it’s enough to have everyone look in their direction. “Did you get her number? This is great,” he rambles. “It’s been a while since you got laid, you know.”
Felix waits for him to finish his spiel. “I didn’t meet anyone,” he says. Technically, it’s not a lie. There are different meanings to the word meet and Felix wouldn’t count a drunken bathroom blowjob as one of them.
“Okay, fine,” Jisung says, lifting his hands in surrender. “You don’t have to tell me, I’m just worried about you, man. How long’s it been? Few months?”
There’s oblivious, and then there’s Han Jisung. The man should really win gold for the discipline at this point, especially being the person who shares a room with Felix. He doesn’t think he’s been all that careful, but then again—Hyunjin doesn’t exactly sleep over, and there’s nothing strange about hanging out with a friend in your dorm. It has been three months, though. Felix likes to believe he would’ve noticed something if the situation was reversed.
“Maybe Felix just doesn’t kiss and tell,” Minho says airily, but it’s enough for Felix to know that he knows.
Chan and Changbin don’t pick up on the innuendo, already immersed in planning their schedule for Monday. Felix is seriously scared of their work ethic sometimes.
He shares a look with Hyunjin and the asshole has a small smile on his smug face. Not that obvious, then—but not invisible either.
“Nah,” Jisung says, as they’re leaving their money on the table and dragging their heavy bodies out of the booth. “I would’ve noticed something.”
Felix can’t help the fond smile that stretches his lips, and he drapes an arm over Jisung’s shoulder when they step outside. His best friend is a dumbass, but all the more loveable because of it.
They separate right outside campus—Minho, Chan and Changbin heading for their shared apartment that’s just a few minutes away. They’ve been living together since their freshman year, and that apartment is the most cluttered mess of things Felix has ever seen. From Chan’s music equipment and old computers that he refuses to throw away, to Changbin’s collection of instruments that migrate to the living room more often than not.
The only room that always stays clean and mess-free is the spare one Minho uses as an impromptu dance studio. He rarely lets anyone inside, so it’s no wonder he’s able to keep it tidy.
The rest of them make their way from the main campus entrance to the one on the side, knowing the guard doesn’t pay close attention to who sneaks in and out during weekend nights. Hyunjin slips a hand around Felix’s waist as they walk. Felix doesn’t put up a fight since his legs are more dragging over the pavement than making actual steps, so the support is welcome. He glances at Hyunjin from the side, but his attention is scattered around the buildings in front of them, and whatever else he can see in the low streetlight.
Jisung is whining about how tired he is, but Felix tunes him out, focusing on the warmth of Hyunjin plastered to his side, the fingers that skim over his hip absentmindedly. It’s nice, he realizes, letting that thought swim around his head instead of pretending it doesn’t exist. It’s also different—having Hyunjin around when they aren’t in a hurry to rip their clothes off before either of their roommates returns from class.
It reminds Felix of the time when they actually were just friends, without the constant tension and anticipation. He doesn’t know when or what managed to build up between them, but once it snapped, it never mended quite the same.
They used to be gentle, Felix thinks fleetingly. Hyunjin used to hug him, and Felix could feel his own body melt to fit inside his arms. Now even when they kiss, sometimes it feels like a game, and other times it feels like a punch. Burning, fervent, but never gentle.
Once they’re outside Felix’s and Jisung’s door, Hyunjin lets go of him, and Felix feels the cold of the hallway seep through his clothes. Jisung stumbles into the dorm with a groan that’s too loud for the current hour, takes his shoes off, and drops face-first on the bed.
Before Hyunjin can leave and climb the stairs to his own dorm, Felix grabs his wrist to stop him. Hyunjin turns to him, expression a little confused, but still smiling softly despite it. It’s enough to push Felix into action, to realize that he might not be the only one who misses the gentleness.
“Stay,” Felix blurts out without thinking. “I mean, you can sleep here if you want,” he amends, eyes darting to his hand that’s still wrapped around Hyunjin’s wrist. “Your roommate will be pissed if you wake him up.”
Hyunjin’s relationship with his roommate is civil at best, and Felix couldn’t care less if the guy gets pissed or not. Hyunjin probably doesn’t give a shit either, but he doesn’t voice it. He hums a soft okay and Felix continues to avoid eye contact as they walk into the room.
While Hyunjin takes his turn in the bathroom, Felix tip-toes to Jisung’s bed quietly, even though he must be dead to the world by now. Felix takes his jacket off, repositions him so Jisung is properly lying on the pillows, and pulls the comforter over him.
When Hyunjin comes out of the bathroom, Felix rustles through his dresser to find a shirt that will fit him. He settles for the one they both know belongs to Hyunjin, and that’s been lying in that same drawer ever since Felix forgot to return it months ago. He doesn’t wait to see Hyunjin’s reaction, deciding to hastily clamber into bed instead.
Hyunjin follows right after, settling behind Felix, both of them facing the blank wall. His twin-size bed isn't meant to fit two people so Felix isn't suprised to feel arms wrap around his waist, warm breath sliding over his nape.
“Good night,” Hyunjin murmurs into his skin, lips pressing to Felix’s neck in a ghost of a kiss.
“Night,” Felix replies, heart weighing heavy in his chest when he feels Hyunjin’s lips stretch in a smile against his skin.
He falls asleep warm and hoping the warmth won’t turn into regret by the time morning comes.