Chapter Text
The year was 1987— the start of the peak of the AIDS epidemic in Japan— I was a mere man with nothing going on in my life until I met him. He was oozing with passion, singing at the top of his lungs as he seductively moved his body, hypnotizing me and the rest of the audience… He was a man I thought I was scared to love, but he was just a man I couldn’t keep my hands off of nor stop staring at… A man that filled me with everything that I didn’t believe to be possible…
I suppose I have to start at the beginning…
—
Dazai groaned, feeling the splitting headache creep to his temples. He was unsure of where he was, unaware of the recollections of what had happened the night before. All he could remember was the night of heavy drinking, smoking, and a small altercation with another drunk man. He turned his head to see a naked woman heavily asleep, yet, judging from his pants still being on, he didn’t make it far to have sex with her— or instead, he was unable to due to his heavy drinking.
Dazai looked away from her, getting up from the bed, not caring about waking her. He needed to go to work, despite his hangover. He dressed and walked out of the apartment. As soon as the air hit his face, he felt more relieved from the pain, yet the headache did not disburse from his brain, pounding against his skull, being able to hear his own heartbeat. He leaned against a wall, trying to gather himself, but he failed. He crunched over, throwing up the contents of what was left in his stomach. He wiped his mouth, taking a moment to recover himself, then headed back to walking to work.
Dazai walked into work, watching the chaos ensue upon him, watching everyone gather around the radio as they talked about the AIDS crisis within the country and all over the globe. Everyone looked worried, hearing the gruesome details, but Dazai tried not to listen to it. He walked up to his desk, laying his head on the cold wood, trying to get a few minutes of rest before Kunikida bothered him, but he was just a few seconds shy.
“Dazai! Stop slacking off!”
“Aw, but Kunikida, I’m tired and—” Dazai whined, not looking up at him, continuing to have his eyes closed, hoping that he would just go away— but he didn’t.
“I don’t want to hear any of your shit, Dazai! We have a bunch of stuff to do, and Fukuzawa is out of town right now.” Kunikida slammed something on his desk, making Dazai reluctantly bolt straight up. He sighed, taking the paper and reviewing it silently while hearing the talk through the radio. ‘Who’s to blame? Foreigners? Cheating men? Or homosexuals?’ Dazai didn’t see why there should be blame at all. He couldn’t understand it. Why couldn’t people just accept that this virus was never going away or going to disappear? It was still going to be here to stay, whether the government liked it or not. He just wanted the blaming to stop; he couldn’t take another moment of it.
—
Chuuya woke up on the floor of his room that he shared with Tachihara and Akutagawa. He groaned from the nasty feeling inside his stomach. He rolled over onto his back, looking up at the ceiling. He tried to gather his thoughts as he laid there in pain. He forced himself to get up from the floor, taking a water bottle that was lying next to him and drinking it, trying to soothe his hangover. He sighed, shuffling his feet out of the room to hear the radio coming from the kitchen. Akutagawa was drinking his water, helping Gin cook breakfast, while Higuchi and Tachihara gathered at the table, listening to the rising cases of AIDS nationwide.
‘Who’s to blame? Foreigners? Cheating men? Or homosexuals?’ Chuuya groaned, “Turn that shit off!” He spat, slumping over the kitchen table. Tachihara turned it off, looking at the others in awkward silence.
“How was work last night?” Akutagawa asked, but Chuuya didn’t say anything. He banged his head on the kitchen table and groaned. The sudden smell of morning breakfast made his stomach grow tense and queasy, but he was able to hold it in.
“You know…” Chuuya forced his head up from the table, ignoring Akutagawa’s question, still having the words stuck in his head. Who’s to blame…
“I don’t fucking understand why there’s a need to fucking blame people. Acting like fucking children; blaming someone as if the problem is gonna go away. Can’t they just fucking accept that this fucking thing is just going to stay for good!” Chuuya pulled out a cigarette, lighting it as Higuchi gave him a cup of coffee. “Thanks. And how they are making gay people out to be ‘cause they’re ‘more promiscuous’ and only ‘promiscuous’ people catch it, when it’s also fucking cheating men, having unprotected sex with other women, and passing the fucking virus to their pregnant wives!” The rest of his roommates just listened in on him as they continued with their routine like Chuuya’s daily rant was just another part of the day.
Chuuya took a huff of his cigarette, flicking the ash onto the ashtray and continuing on, “Jesus, and don’t get me started on how despite that, they still refuse to teach about safe sex.”
“Then don’t talk about it then,” Akutagawa said. Chuuya clicked his tongue and pointed at him. “Oh shut it, Akutagawa. You know I’m right. You’re just annoyed that I talk about it all the time.” Akutagawa stayed silent after that, only replying with a soft groan.
“Anyway, since you all seem to be annoyed by it all, I’ll shut up about it,” Chuuya said, taking a sip of his coffee.
“I actually think it’s great that you’re so informed about it. I wish that people would listen to us instead of the stupid media about this.” Gin said, setting her food down on the table.
“Thank you, Gin. And that’s why you’re my favorite roommate.” Gin giggled a bit, then gave thanks for her meal.
“Aw, come on, Chuuya. You don’t hate me too, do you?” Tachihara whined. Chuuya rolled his eyes at him, extinguishing his cigarette. “Yes, even you, Tachihara. Maybe if you didn’t leave your dirty, smelly fucking socks everywhere, then maybe I would hate you a little less.” Tachihara gasped in disbelief, “My socks don’t smell, right Akutagawa?” He didn’t reply to him, but he only glared at him, telling him that it was true.
“I swear! My socks don’t stink!”
“They kind of do, Tachihara,” Higuchi admitted to him. Tachihara groaned, slamming his head on the table. They all began to laugh, Chuuya pulling out another cigarette, and offering one to Tachihara.
“Here, you might need it since you just had the revelation that your feet stink.” Chuuya teased. Tachihara reluctantly took it.
“Fuck you, guys,” Tachihara said, pouting his lips. “No, thanks, I like women.” Gin teased him again.
“Same.” Higuchi followed, placing her hand on Gin’s knee.
“I may like men, but you are not appealing,” Akutagawa said in a more serious tone, making Tachihara let out a loud whine.
“Yeah, sorry to tell you, Tachihara, but I wouldn’t want to fuck you either. You’re just not my type.” Chuuya tried to suppress his laugh but couldn’t.
“What the fuck did I do to deserve this?!” They all laughed again, continuing their morning, eating breakfast, drinking coffee, and smoking their cigarettes.
“Still, I hate you guys.” Tachihara knew they were only teasing him, but it was nice to play along.
“Aw, c’mon, Tachihara. We’re only joking.” Higuchi said with a smile on her face, patting his shoulder. There was another silence with all of them before Tachihara interrupted it.
“God, I need to get laid.”
“You do. But don’t bring them here. Don’t want them running away from the horrendous odor of your socks.” Akutagawa teased, getting up and putting his dishes into the sink.
“Ha! You’re one to talk, Akutagawa! You haven’t gotten laid since I met you.” Tachihara gave his counterargument.
“That’s because I don’t care for sex. You, on the other hand… Which reminds me; lock the fucking bathroom door when you’re jacking off! No one wants to see that shit!”
“Oh, c’mon, I—”
“No, seriously, Tachihara. Please.” Higuchi interrupted him. Everyone agreed with her, nodding their heads and saying ‘yes.’
“Okay! Fine! Since everyone has a problem, Gin, Higuchi, stop having sex so fucking loudly. Chuuya, stop leaving all your empty wine bottles on the floor. And Akutagawa…” Tachihara had to admit that there wasn’t really anything that bothered him about the other man, but he still had to say something.
“Just stop being so fucking mean.” They all burst out laughing. Even Tachihara did too.
“Okay, okay. Fine, we’ll do that. Anyway, Chuuya, how was work last night? You got home pretty late.” Gin averted to Chuuya, who seemed like he didn’t want to talk about it, but all eyes were on him like they were concerned for his well-being.
“It was good. It was just a long night, that’s all.”
“So, I heard that you’re going to perform again tonight. Are you going to do the same number or something different?” Higuchi asked, taking Gin’s finished plate to the sink, waiting for his answer.
“Nah. I think I might do something a little different. Will you guys be coming tonight?” He knew the answer, but he hoped that they would.
“Sorry, man, I have work until ten.” Tachihara sighed, feeling a bit regretful that he couldn’t make it.
“Yeah, I have a project at work. Sorry, Chuuya.” Higuchi gave him a pitiful smile. “I can’t make it either,” Gin said, leaving Akutagawa, but Chuuya knew he wouldn’t make it either because of school.
“I have to study for midterms.” Chuuya sighed, squashing his cigarette on the ashtray.
“It’s fine, guys.” Chuuya smiled at them, although he was a bit sad that his friends couldn’t make it.
“I’m sorry, but please tell us how it went, okay?” Gin patted his shoulder, getting up from the table.
“Well, I have to get ready.” She announced, taking her leave from the table, and making the rest look at the clock.
“Oh, fuck. Me too, if I’m late again, my boss is going to kill me.” Tachihara rushed to the room, following Higuchi, then Akutagawa. Chuuya was alone at the table, staring down at the empty mug that had contained his coffee. He didn’t want to alarm his roommates, but he felt so alone. He just wished they would be there for him, at least once. But he couldn’t be angry at them. He knew that they had lives outside of this apartment, but it felt like he was the only one that wasn’t doing much with his.
—
Dazai waltzed into the bar after work, being greeted by the other regulars. He smiled at them as he headed towards the bar and ordered his drink, yet the bartender seemed to recognize him, shaking his head. “No. You are not allowed back here anymore.” Dazai pretended to be confused about what he meant, yet he knew full well.
“What? What did I do?”
“Listen, Dazai. We can deal with the rowdy behavior, but you have a bunch of unpaid tabs and not to mention the bar fight you had last night.” Dazai knew that that was the main reason he was no longer wanted there.
“Oh, c’mon! The fucker was talking a bunch of shit. He just didn’t like being wrong, plus he threw the first punch, well, at least tried to.” Dazai didn’t want to fully recollect the fight, knowing that it would create some suspicious ideas about him. But, needless to say, it did creep into his mind, thinking about the guy talking about men being with other men, saying how gay foreigners were the root cause of the AIDS crisis. Dazai merely gave him the correct information, although he spewed out snarky comments to the man, who was obviously drunk and wanted to fight him, since he was so intoxicated he couldn’t throw a proper punch, making himself fall, making people think that he started the fight.
“I get it, Dazai. But you’re not allowed here anymore.” Dazai was annoyed, but he obliged, walking out the door. The night was a bit cold, looking like it was going to rain, but nevertheless, he didn’t want to go home and wallow in his self-pity alone, so he walked around Tokyo, trying to find a bar that’ll allow him in. He didn’t have the best reputation when it came to the bar scene, always trying to avoid places that gave him constant reminders of things that he regretted, whether with the regular women he slept with or arguments with the men that caused him to get kicked out.
It began to pour as he walked the streets, running to the nearest bar he could find. He walked in, soaked. He didn’t look around the packed bar, heading down to where the alcohol was. He looked at the bartender, who looked a bit odd to him, but he didn’t pay any mind to it.
“Can I get a scotch?” He asked. The bartender nodded their head, pouring him a shot. “Can you make it a double?” They poured more into his glass, handing it to him. He gulped it down in one go, asking for another. The bartender wasn’t a talker, but Dazai didn’t really care. He was happy just to get a drink.
He had already been on his fifth drink, feeling tipsy from the alcohol, when he heard someone in the front announce something into a microphone, making the people rush to the front of the bar. Dazai averted his attention to the peculiar man, seeing how he was… different.
“Without further ado, please welcome our favorite fiery redhead, Chuuya!” The coward roared when they heard his name being called out. Dazai had never been much intrigued by bar performances, but when he saw the redhead walking to the stage in such a sensual yet erratic way, making Dazai bite on his lip. He was wearing cut-off sleeves, tight jeans, and boots. It wasn’t until he heard his voice echo through the microphone that made Dazai wanted to claw out this feeling from inside of him. He attentively watched as the man moved, touching his body which made the crowd go crazy. Dazai began to pant, feeling his heart pound so loudly just watching him. He forced himself to turn away, looking over at the bartender, who was enjoying the show, screaming out Chuuya’s name. Their voice was small and frail like a woman’s, but Dazai looked at them, seeing that they were dressed in a very masculine way, but Dazai shrugged it off, calling out to them.
“Hey! Who’s that?” Dazai knew his name from the man that announced it, but Dazai had this itch that made him want to learn more.
“That’s Chuuya.” They said, but Dazai knew that already. He shook his head, trying to get more information out of them.
“No, I mean… Nevermind.” The bartender shrugged, going back to watching the show from behind the bar counter. Dazai, too, went back to watching him, having the sudden urge to study every aspect of him. He examined the way he moved, the way his hand groped his own body, the way the sweat dripped from his forehead to his neck. Dazai roamed his eyes to Chuuya’s face, seeing the clear azure eyes scanning over the crowd, then to the back of the bar. He could have sworn that when Chuuya winked, he winked at him, smirking as he moved away, making his eyes look somewhere else. But Dazai wished he was still staring back at him, not breaking the brief eye contact between them. Dazai’s eyes roamed from Chuuya’s face, down to his neck, then to his chest, down to his stomach. It wasn’t until he had to turn away from him because he knew his eyes were going to glance at his groin. Dazai began to panic, asking the bartender for another drink. He took another gulp, slamming it on the bar counter. He refused to look at him, but it was so hard not to. He was glad that the show had ended, feeling relieved because he wasn’t sure how far he would last. He glanced back to the front, seeing that he was gone. Though he was relieved, he had wished that he could see him again. Something within Dazai sparked, making him want to recreate this memory on paper.
He had been suffering from writer’s block, but now— seeing Chuuya— made everything change. He asked for another drink, taking it down in one go, making him feel drunk now. “I need to piss.” He announced as if the bartender was listening to him. He stumbled to the restroom, leaning his head against the wall as he urinated. He couldn’t shake this unfamiliar feeling inside him, making him feel like he was losing control. He hated it. He never liked this feeling, but it made him feel good for some reason.
He walked up to the sink, letting the cold water run through his hands, dissociating for a bit, thinking of Chuuya. He splashed water on his face to calm himself, looking up at the mirror. He wanted to look at himself, to tell himself that he was okay, but when he looked into the mirror, he saw two men together, one on their knees and the other standing, his eyes rolling back and gripping onto the other’s hair. Dazai had never seen something like that before between two men before, but it always intrigued him that it scared him at times, but as he saw it happen right before his eyes, he couldn’t think of anything to do but run out of the bathroom. His face grew hot from the mixture of alcohol, Chuuya’s performance, and, now, the sexual encounter between the men in the restroom. He was unsure if it was embarrassment or something else, but all he knew was that he had to get the hell out of there.
It wasn’t then that Dazai realized the atmosphere around him. Men kissing other men, women kissing other women, and so forth. He began to panic for some reason, rushing out to the front and crouching on the ground to throw up. He wasn’t disgusted; he knew that but he was in shock, and the mixture of alcohol didn’t help either.
“Fuck.” He murmured to himself.
“Are you okay?” A sudden familiar voice asked beside him. Dazai looked up to see the same redhead beside him, smoking a cigarette. For some reason, Dazai had a sudden image of the two men in the bathroom. He shook his head, trying to get his thoughts back on track.
“I’m fine. I don’t need shit from a pipsqueak like you.” Dazai silently punished himself. He didn’t want to say that, but he wanted the man to leave as quickly as possible, unable to shake the feeling inside of him as he looked at him.
“What the fuck is that supposed to mean, huh?” He got defensive, throwing his cigarette to the ground, looking like he was preparing to fight him. Dazai couldn’t help but chuckle.
“Nothing. You just look so short that I wouldn’t expect a man like you to have anything to offer.” The redhead seemed relieved in some way, stepping down a bit.
“Fuck you, you fucking freak. I thought I could at least help… Making me throw a perfectly good cigarette away.” Chuuya clicked his tongue, taking another cigarette out and smoking it. Dazai asked as he watched Chuuya suck on the end of the cigarette to get the smoke out, blowing out the smoke slowly. ‘Shit… he looks so good right now.’ Dazai turned away, forcing himself up from the ground, and leaning against the cold brick wall.
“What’s your name?” Dazai asked, despite already knowing, but something in him wanted him to say his own name, wanting to hear his voice.
“Nakahara Chuuya. Yours?”
“Dazai Osamu.” They stood side by side, making Dazai’s body feel the tingling effects of the alcohol consume him once more.
“Well, Dazai, it wasn’t nice to meet you.” Chuuya looked at him up and down, turning back to his cigarette.
“Why? Everyone has a pleasant time meeting me.” Dazai knew he was using some charm on him, usually working if he was using it on a woman, but Chuuya just chuckled, shaking his head like he couldn’t believe what he was saying.
“I’m not everyone,” Chuuya answered snarkily. The music from inside the bar began to echo; hearing the song made him think, trying to figure out where he had listened to this song before. He could hear Chuuya’s softly humming the music as he smoked.
“What’s the name of this song?” Dazai asked.
“Temptation by New Order.” He answered. Dazai had to admit that hearing his voice was so painfully sweet. It made him want to reach out and touch him, but he couldn’t like he was some untouchable force.
“You like New Order?” Dazai wasn’t sure why he asked all these questions but assumed he just wanted to hear Chuuya’s voice.
“Yeah, I saw them back in ‘85.” He answered. Dazai nodded his head, hearing the music grow louder as people walked in and out the door. Chuuya flicked his cigarette to the ground, turning to Dazai.
“You want a drink or something?” Chuuya suddenly asked, making Dazai smirk, getting closer to Chuuya.
“I don’t swing that way.” Chuuya raised his eyebrow, laughing in Dazai’s face. He realized how ridiculous it was to say something like that since he had forgotten that he was in a gay bar.
“Wow. You know you’re at a gay bar, right? And not to mention, you look like you’re a few seconds away from begging me to fuck you. So, that whole ‘I don’t swing that way’ isn’t helping your case. But, whatever, I don’t judge people’s denial. Anyway, you’re a real cocky bastard to think that you think I would ever take some kind of interest in you. I was only asking because I’m the bartender, and you look like you’re about to pass out.” Dazai backed away, smirking at him again. He never knew that he could be predictable before. It made his body heat grow even hotter.
“I’m fine… Thanks.” Dazai heard Chuuya huff out one last chuckle before walking back into the bar. Dazai leaned back against the wall, panting from the tension. He looked at the busy street; it had stopped raining, only the wet roads and sidewalks proving that rain had poured down. Dazai laughed to himself, and he began to walk home, humming the song they both had heard previously.
—
He walked into his apartment, went straight to the loose blank papers on the table, and began writing. He wasn’t tired and was now sober enough to gather his thoughts on paper, writing about Chuuya and every description he could think of when it came to him. His hair glowed under the spotlight, his blue eyes piercing through him like a cut, his mannerisms and confident behavior made Dazai sick to his stomach. He wrote everything that he could describe him, recounting the memories of his encounter with Chuuya. He even mentioned his encounter in the restroom with the two men, describing it. He stopped writing, putting his pen down, and just thinking. He wanted to feel guilty, and he wanted to hate everything about the thought of it, but something inside him ignited like a fire waiting to happen. He gripped his knee, thinking about Chuuya and the two men. His mind was spiraling while his heart thumped loudly. He ran his fingers through his hair, trying to get the thoughts out of his head, but now that he was exposed to them, they would not dispel from his thoughts. He had thought about things like that here and there, but he would always force himself to stop it before it got to the breaking point, but now, there was no stopping the thoughts, making his heart beat faster, raising the temperature in his body. He had to see Chuuya again, even though he thought it to be wrong. He just needed him now.
“Shit.” He panted out, tugging on his hair, trying to make the thoughts stop. He crumbled the papers in his hand, throwing himself on the floor, and staring at the ceiling. He then had this sudden feeling to stop fighting it. He felt somewhat relieved from not fighting anymore. His body felt limp, like a weight being lifted from within his soul. He was overcome with thoughts of Chuuya. It didn’t matter to Dazai if he was scared or hated himself even more than he already did from just the idea. Dazai wanted to pretend that he didn’t know why he was in his thoughts so much despite briefly meeting him. But deep down, he knew.
Dazai then decided that he would see Chuuya tomorrow night, and if he didn’t, he would go every night until he did. He could shake the feeling from watching him, hearing his voice.
He held the paper up to his face, reading what he had on it, and for the first time, in a long time, he didn’t hate what he had written down. He held the paper to his chest, feeling his pounding heart thump against the paper. He smiled to himself, slightly laughing at how beautiful it all felt, never thinking that this was the thing that was going to make him feel like he was on top of the world.
He then began to think of an old friend, telling him to live his life of truth before he died. Dazai wanted to believe he meant his life, but he knew what his old friend was referring to in the back of his head.
—
Dazai smoked, taking a drag from his cigarette, looking at the bar, determining if he should go in or out. The music was blaring from the outside, hearing it grow louder as people went in and out of the bar. He studied the people walking in and out, never realizing the many businessmen with wedding rings on their fingers, walking into the bar. Dazai examined them, seeing them hang their heads low as if they didn’t want to be caught. Dazai began to feel this sense of shame and regret, though he didn’t know why. He had this sense that he was staring into some kind of future. He bit his lip, chewing on his bottom lip before throwing his cigarette out and walking in. It was less crowded than the last time he was there, perhaps due to Chuuya not performing tonight. He looked straight to the bar, watching the redhead chat with a customer as he made their drink. He painted a charming smile on his face, and drifted towards the bar, immediately catching Chuuya’s eye. He watched him as he smiled at the customer, handed them their drink, and came up to him. He let out an annoyed sigh, staring at him in silence as the music continued on.
“For a guy who ‘doesn’t swing that way,’ I have a feeling that I’m going to see a lot more of you,” Chuuya smirked at him, Dazai going the same.
“Can I get a scotch? Double.” Dazai said, watching as he poured his drink. Chuuya handed him his drink, waiting for Dazai to say something. Dazai took a sip of his drink, still not taking his eyes away from his.
“So, Nakahara—”
“Chuuya.” He interrupted him.
“Well, Chuuya, I must say you really did put on a good performance for a person… You know, like you.” Dazai gestured to him. Chuuya frowned, huffing out a chuckle.
“Again, what the fuck is that supposed to mean?” Chuuya knew he was overreacting, but after years of the torment of being a gay man, it was better safe than sorry.
“You know, for a man you’re stature. I never really thought a man your height would get a lot of attention.” Even though Dazai teased him about it, he knew that Chuuya was capable of grabbing everyone’s attention from his loud voice, his vibrant red hair, and his beautiful eyes that Dazai couldn’t stop staring at.
“Fuck you!” Dazai smiled at the insult, “No, thank you, I prefer to have sex with women.” Chuuya rolled his eyes, pouring himself a shot of whisky.
“And here you are at a gay bar, looking at me with those eyes, telling me that you want me to fuck you. You know, I’m starting to think that you do.” Chuuya drank his shot before Dazai could say anything. Dazai stayed silent for a moment until he burst out laughing. He didn’t know why, but he just laughed.
“I like the atmosphere. It’s more lively than any other bar I’ve been to.” Dazai knew that he was somewhat lying but he was also aware that he was telling the truth. He did kind of like the atmosphere around him, he didn’t have to worry so much about pretending so much like he was free from the constant weight on his shoulders.
“Spare me! You’re just like the businessmen in this bar right now. You say you have sex with women only, but once you get acquainted enough, you’ll find yourself in the restroom getting a blowjob or giving the blowjob.” Chuuya poured Dazai another drink and then himself.
Dazai had the faint recollection of the memories of the night prior of the men in the bathroom. He wasn’t sure what intrigued him about it, but as Chuuya mentioned it, it raised questions within him. “What makes you think I’m like them?” He asked, unaware that he was looking at him a certain way. Chuuya laughed, drinking another shot.
“There you go again. Your eyes are telling me that you want to do that, but just like the businessmen, you’re too scared.” Chuuya teased him, but Dazai just laughed along with him.
“I don’t want to fuck you.” His throat felt like it was closing in on him as he said that, but he played off as if there was no hesitation within him.
“Sure, whatever you say.”
“What else do my eyes tell you?” Dazai asked, wondering how Chuuya was able to certain things about him through his eyes. It did frighten him, but it also excited him, wanting to know more about himself through the lenses of someone else.
Chuuya leaned in, looking at Dazai straight into his eyes. Dazai had this itch inside him, wanting to lean further in. He stared at Chuuya’s lips for a moment before he forced himself to flicker his eyes forward to look into his eyes again. Chuuya leaned back, shaking his head, “Nothing. I see nothing in your eyes. It’s like they’re pitch dark, holding some kind of forbidden past that you probably won’t tell me about. But other than that, they definitely screamed ‘fuck me, fuck me, fuck me.” Chuuya teased, laughing out loud. Dazai laughed too, taking a sip of his fresh drink. Dazai was definitely scared and felt naked as Chuuya described him, but it made him feel good for some reason.
“Keep believing that, Chuuya.”
“Oh, I will!” They both continued laughing together. That night felt like it lasted forever, they talked for what seemed like ages. They teased one another, Dazai finding the certain pressure points that made Chuuya get angry and yell at him, which forced him to touch him as if he was going to hurt him, but Dazai found Chuuya to be quite predictable in those moments. He had always found people who were predictable to be somewhat boring, but as he chatted with Chuuya, there was nothing that bored him when it came to him.
“The bar’s closing in a few.” Chuuya analyzed the bar, seeing how the majority of the people had left already. Dazai turned to see that he was one of the few customers there. He stood up and looked back at Chuuya.
“Well, it was good meeting you, asshole. I hope I don’t see you back here.” Chuuya knew that Dazai would come back, he actually wanted him to. Chuuya kind of liked the attention he got from Dazai, despite his self-proclamation about being straight. Chuuya felt like he was seen, actually seen by someone. Even though he didn’t want to admit it, he wanted to be Dazai’s friend.
“Oh, you know I’ll be back here, pipsqueak,” Dazai smirked at him, hearing Chuuya groan at him for giving him such an awful nickname.
“Whatever,” Chuuya said, cleaning up the bar.
“Bye, then!” Dazai sang, childishly waving goodbye to him, but Chuuya didn’t do the same only flipping him off.
“Oh, so vulgar.” Dazai gave him one last smile, winking at him as he walked out of the bar. Dazai walked down the empty street, smiling like a complete idiot, but he didn’t care. He felt like he was alive just then, feeling like there was nothing in the world that could take his feeling away from him. It felt so good that Dazai became so overwhelmed by it, scared to even feel such a thing. He began to wonder if he was allowed to feel his way. But he just played the voice of his old friend’s voice in his head, telling himself that he should live his life. And this was his life now. He couldn’t wait to see Chuuya again, never wanting to escape this high.