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“Dazai Osamu, a few months away from turning eighteen, left the Port Mafia. They said that Sakunosuke Oda was dead. That made sense. Oda was a man Dazai would talk about frequently. I had the displeasure of having to hear about how wonderful and amazing this man was. Jeez, I even felt a tad.. okay maybe more than a tad.. jealous. That would have been near impossible for me to admit two years ago. Why the hell would I be jealous of some man whom Dazai just so happened to respect and admire? Bullshit. But I was. Now I am aware of that.
Dazai always struggled with things like emotions and understanding why a normal person felt. He felt like he wasn’t a human, that he really didn’t deserve the right to call himself human. How ironic. I, of course, dealt with the same type of thoughts, being that I'm actually not fully human, but I've learned to accept that. It no longer constantly haunts me. But I still don’t think he’s completely come to terms that, yes, he was indeed a human being capable of human emotions. It’s still entirely up to him as to when he comes to full terms with it. We were all content and patient while waiting for that to happen. I was patient. If only.
When we were fifteen, I was still hoping, naively, that he would realize he is more human that he thinks while he was still in the mafia. So I tried to help. I did eventually register the fact that the mafia was no good place for that to happen. I’m not necessarily as stupid as Dazai says. I never really stated that the mafia was not a good place for him. So I still do feel guilty about it. I’m sure he was already aware of that fact. I should have recognized some of those things quicker though. What he went through whilst underneath Boss’s wing. The things he went through to end up being as he is now, I can barely even think about it with a straight face. There will always be a frown or a grimace. I can’t control it, though. When I think about how he was abused, brutally punished for one wrong-doing, how he dealt with those things. It's no big surprise he turned out this way.
I’m glad though. Regretfully. But not about how he was treated, but the fact that he escaped. When he left, I wasn’t as upset as I thought I would have been. Ya know? I was sort of relieved. I didn’t lie when I said that I opened a bottle of ‘89 in celebration. I did lie when I said that I was fed up with him, though. I can’t bring myself to hate the bastard. After everything he’s done. He does shit so specifically just to piss me off. The sheer amount of audacity that the shitty mackerel holds. I’ve overheard people talking about how much they admire him for pulling such shit while leaving without a scratch. *Cough* Tachihara *cough*. Back to what I was saying.
It was kinda painful to be left behind in a cruel place by the person who dragged me into such a mess.
I don’t ever regret getting dragged into the mafia, in-fact, I'm glad I did. It only took, what? Three years for me to actually realize that The Sheep were using me? But I think that I knew the entire time, deep down. Yet, I still care about them deeply. I would still give the world to them if they asked. But having even more than a shred of common sense, I’m pretty sure most of them are dead by now. Either by sheer luck or Boss’s horrid plotting. I’m leaning towards the latter, right now. But, at least when I was dragged out of The Sheep, it wasn’t in a way that they would miss me. I wouldn’t feel bad. They felt as if they didn’t need me anymore and I’m okay with that.
Dazai is responsible for getting me out of The Sheep, whether it was Mori-san’s orders or not. And I am okay with that, periodically.
He was responsible for more positive things in my life that took a long time for me to admit than what I had originally thought. He introduced me to wine. Of course. And now I have over five thousand, one hundred and eighteen bottles of wine in my wine collection. And that is a pure coincidence, and I plan to upscale the lot it sits in.
He was there for me when he came, he was always there to stop corruption. He was always there when I seemed to be upset, he wouldn’t talk about touchy subjects, but he still always mocked my fucking height. Bitch.
Yet, I don’t hate him, I don’t resent him, I don’t loathe him. But he was still a Shitty Mackerel, a slimy, smelly ass fish, a bandage wasting bastard, a piece of shit for brains, a tacky bastard, a social misfit.. I could go on and on for days with no end in sight. But I won’t. Not today, heh.
Sometimes I felt like crying when he left. Was that selfish of me? Yes. He left and he was going to be better. He could get help, maybe. I seriously doubt that though. He would just shove his feelings and any trace of his past down. Which he did. I wish I could have helped him more. Now that it is too late, I think the most I can do is give a sad, boring speech about how he turned my world upside down and inside out. Over and over again. No matter how much I wish I could hate and despise him, I won’t.
I did love him, still do. And yeah, in an entirely, complete, sappy and gross, romantic kind of way. If he was here he would probably mock me saying things like “Oh~ the hat-rack likes men? Not going to say I called it, but Hirotsu owes me 814,703 yen.”
I did actually have people betting on my sexuality left and right. Which was kinda weird, but I got used to it.
I could actually go on for days, ya know, the amount of times I realized just how not straight I was while I was near Dazai. Kinda stupid. But, now that I've confessed my undying love for a man who has-
He cleared his throat
-taken my heart and torn it to shreds, multiple times, I think it’s safe to say that this time definitely hurt the most. He had the audacity to leave me, again. Seriously. What-
A tear began to fall slowly down his face as a pit in his stomach welled up
What the f-uck, man
He paused, his eyebrows knitted and his fists balled up, tremoring, along with the rest of his body.
And I-
He swallowed a lump in his throat, more tears began to well up in his eyes, threatening to plummet
I don’t necessarily feel like I should.. make any of you understand how I feel right now.. but I can assure you, I didn’t expect to begin tearing up so ..soon. He just.
He had been pausing every few words, seemingly catching his breath
He -
A choked sob neared escaping, only to be muffled by the man’s arm, tears were now cascading down from his eyes to his jawline at a steady, quick pace which he couldn’t control, he slowly wiped some tears away, in a feeble attempt to stop them, eventually giving up, as they kept on tumbling, he continued:
Anyways- I think.. Uhm, my speech has been all over the place and it probably doesn’t make much sense.
A sigh
I’m really fucking tired and really fucking lost now. I don’t know about any of you all, but I don’t feel like this is the last time that the …fucker.. pulls a rug out from under our feet, tilting our world on it’s axis, again. Right? It really couldn’t have come to such an abrupt stop. I’m nearly counting on it.
A sniffle
I really fucking miss you, Dazai. I would say “Please, just, please, come back, I seriously should have told you how I felt, even if it wasn’t reciprocated”', but I don't believe in necromancy.”