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“Before the Twin Jades of Gusu, there was the Jade Dragon,” Lan Qiren says slowly, looking at the boy – man – who has ruined his life.
Wei Wuxian.
What does Wangji see in him? He wonders. What about this boy could possibly be worth abandoning his sect? His path of cultivation?
Wei Wuxian does not move or speak – he just stares at Lan Qiren, something in his eyes unsettlingly understanding. Waiting for him to continue.
“My brother was hailed as the most prodigious cultivator in 100 years,” he continues, his chest aching. He’s never spoken this to anyone – would never have imagined telling it to Wei Wuxian of all people. “He was talented and handsome and kind… and I was proud to be his brother.”
Wei Wuxian nods then, just a slight tilt of his head, as if he understands. Could he understand? This evil boy with no respect for traditions or values. Could he understand the type of pride that came from family? What could this demon know of loving someone so much that their accomplishments felt like yours?
Lan Qiren remembers then, the soft way Jiang Fengmian had spoken about Wei Wuxian. The pride and fondness that thrummed beneath his words. He remembers how Wei Wuxian fought for his sister’s honor, how he suffered happily in her stead.
“It was difficult – is difficult – for me to understand how someone like my brother could he felled by a single woman, but he was.” He has to stop then, the ache in his chest creeping up into his throat. It’s strange how the pain never ebbs. How many times did he watch his brother die, he wonders.
Death in seclusion.
Lan Qiren thinks a part of him also died when his brother chose to hide himself away from the world. His brother, who had shone brighter than anyone, living in shame... because of a woman. Because of love. Qiren couldn’t understand it then -- can only barely understand it now.
And then, dying by slow degrees – heart broken by the death of that woman. Wasting away day by day, unable to take his own life, but also unable to face a world without her.
And finally, dying for his sect.
Strong and courageous till the very end.
(In secret, Lan Qiren wonders whether his brother meant to survive the Wens at all. Did he ever plan on making it out alive?)
“Wangji is very much like my brother,” he says, taking a sip of his tea to loosen the ache in his throat. “From the beginning, he was impossibly talented… and kind. Xichen, of course, was talented and kind as well… but from the beginning, Xichen was more like me. I could understand Xichen much better than Wangji.”
Lan Qiren remembers the quiet child all those years ago. So steadfast and resolved – so much like his brother. Xichen had always been flexible – understanding of Qiren’s strictness and accepting of his role within the sect.
Wangji had not understood… but he had listened because he loved his uncle. Qiren had always known that – had always known that Wangji’s obedience did not come from understanding but from love – and it had scared him.
Love.
Love ruined you. Qiren had seen it firsthand. Had experienced it himself. He had loved his brother and watching his brother destroy himself had been torture.
“I was strict with Wangji – much stricter than I needed to be. You have to understand…” he feels embarrassed suddenly, admitting all this to Wei Wuxian – the bane of his existence, “… I watched my brother suffer because of… emotion… and I wanted to do everything in my power so that Wangji would not suffer the same fate.”
Wei Wuxian still does not speak. He just keeps watching Lan Qiren, his eyes still unnervingly kind. He loves Wangji as well, Lan Qiren realizes. Wei Wuxian walked willingly into a place that he knows doesn’t want him because he loves Wangji.
Lan Qiren wishes he didn’t know that. He wishes Wei Wuxian was less brave. It would be easier to hate him. Because Lan Qiren wishes, more than anything, that he could hate Wei Wuxian.
(But he finds it’s difficult to hate someone who loves Wangji so selflessly)
“I realize now that Wangji was suffering,” he admits, shame creeping up his spine, “the 16 years you were gone… he was suffering, and I chose to ignore it. He was dying by slow degrees and I ignored it because – because I thought it was better that he suffer than him have any association with you.”
Wei Wuxian doesn’t flinch at Lan Qiren’s words. Doesn’t look away, doesn’t make a sound. It’s infuriating. All those instances that Lan Qiren asked silence of him and he chooses now of all times to listen. Maybe he finds some sort of perverse pleasure in watching Lan Qiren rip himself open this way.
“What I mean to say,” and embarrassment is hot in his stomach at what he’s about to admit, “is that everything I’ve done up until now is so that I would not lose Wangji.”
Wei Wuxian nods then, as if he understands. As if he knew all along.
How infuriating.
“But the truth is that I lost him 16 years ago,” he sighs, looking away from Wei Wuxian, unable to endure the kindness of his gaze. “I was lying to myself -- that Wangji was recovering from your loss, that Wangji had been momentarily led astray by your wicked ways – but that wasn’t it at all, was it?”
Lan Qiren can be honest with himself now. He can remember the deadness of Wangji’s eyes, the listlessness of his actions. How he went day by day as if he was just passing time. Desiring death but brave enough to endure life.
It’s a stark difference to how Wangji is now. It’s as if Wei Wuxian brought Wangji along as he came back to life.
“Wangji has only come back to us recently,” he says slowly, “and I am loathe to lose him again.”
That’s the truth, at the end of the day. As much as Lan Qiren had tried to teach emotion out of his nephews, he had never known how to do it himself. He never learned how to stop hurting, how to stop loving. How foolish had he been to expect that from his nephews.
“If keeping Wangji means acknowledging you – acknowledging that you will be his cultivation partner… then I will do that.”
It’s his loss again, he thinks sardonically. Cangse Sanren had always bested him when they were students and even in death, here she was besting him again. How irritating.
“Thank you,” Wei Wuxian says finally, “Thank you.”
It’s irritating – Lan Qiren doesn’t want to be thanked. This is the most painful decision of his life. It goes against all he’s ever taught – putting emotion in front of sense. Emotion in front of tradition, in front of rules, in front of right. His ancestors are probably rolling in their graves.
But it’s unbearable, the thought of losing Lan Wangji. The thought of him roaming the world, sect-less, with only this demonic cultivator next to him.
“You should know,” Wei Wuxian continues, “If I could make Lan Zhan love anyone else – I would.”
Lan Qiren wants to tell Wei Wuxian to be silent. He doesn’t want to hear goodness – kindness – come out of his mouth. Lan Qiren wants to hate him, doesn’t Wei Wuxian understand that?
“I know I’m not deserving,” Wei Wuxian says, a small, self-deprecating smile on his lips, “but Lan Zhan has loved me for 16 lonely years – he loves me now – and I will not leave him to love alone any longer.”
Silence, Lan Qiren thinks desperately, his chest heavy. He remembers now, the loneliness that Wangji wore like a shroud. How he had seemed miles away at all times. His nephew had been suffering – dying in front of his eyes – and Lan Qiren had ignored him.
He had been waiting for his obedient nephew to come back, he realized. He had done nothing but wait.
“I cannot promise that I will be able to follow all 3,000 rules – and I’m sure I’ll do many things that you find distasteful, because, at the end of the day, I cannot change who I am,” Wei Wuxian says, “but I love Lan Zhan – no matter what you think of me, please be assured of that. I love him more than my own life and I will love him for as long as he will have me and beyond that.”
The way Wei Wuxian says that does not sit well with Lan Qiren. “Does that mean that you expect that there will be a day that my nephew will no longer have you?” he asks, curious.
Wei Wuxian huffs a small laugh at that, scratching his nose in embarrassment. “I can only hope,” he says softly. He smiles at Lan Qiren, his eyes warm, and Lan Qiren finds that maybe he can understand, at least a little, what Wangji sees in this demon.
“I know you may not believe this, but I want the same things for Lan Zhan as you do,” Wei Wuxian says, “I want him to be happy – I wish that he would walk an easier path.”
“It seems you are not entirely without sense,” Lan Qiren says, “You recognize that him choosing you has opened him to the world’s derision.”
“Of course,” Wei Wuxian nods.
“But you still intend to become his cultivation partner?”
“I’ve never been able to deny Lan Zhan anything,” Wei Wuxian replies easily, “The only thing I can do now is make sure that he does not face the world alone.”
Foolish boy, Lan Qiren thinks. Foolish, brave boy.
“Wangji has never been one to change his mind,” Lan Qiren admits quietly, “Now that he’s chosen to be by your side, I’m quite sure there will never come a day that he does not choose you.”
“I will not shame him,” Wei Wuxian says resolutely, his gaze firm and unyielding. “Whatever Lan Zhan chooses, now and for the rest of his life, I will honor it.”
In that moment, Lan Qiren is reminded that the man in front of him is the man who declared war on the world and might as well have won.
Perhaps… perhaps, Wangji can be entrusted to him.
“Treat Wangji with the utmost respect, you evil boy,” Lan Qiren says, “I will never forgive you if you treat Wangji with any less… love than he deserves.”
Wei Wuxian nods seriously, and moves to get up, sensing that their conversation is over.
He bows when he stands.
“Thank you,” he says, “Thank you for taking good care of Lan Zhan – I humbly ask that you continue that care. I will also be in your care from now on.”
What a evil boy, Lan Qiren thinks furiously, blinking the sudden wetness from his eyes. An evil boy, always full of surprises.
“Leave!” he scowls, his throat aching.
Thank you for taking good care of Lan Zhan.
He’s done his best, hasn’t he?
Later he will visit Xichen. Tell him the news.
And later… much later, he will visit his brother.
He will tell his brother that Wangji is still very much like him, except that he’s braver -- braver than his brother or himself could ever imagine being.
Also, Cloud Recesses will be a much louder place from now on.
But for now, he will finish his tea, repeat Wei Wuxian’s words over and over again in his head, and hope that he can swallow down the ache in his throat.
Thank you for taking good care of Lan Zhan.