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"For those who weep in silence, as the grief painted their life with the hollowness of the ever permenant hole. I pray for you to find something, anything to lighten the pain for that it became easier to live and move forward."
"And to those whose soul screamed for every single breath they take. I pray that your soul would be in ease and heal. With every step you take, you would smile and laugh and that one day it would be genuine. With all my heart, I wanted you to enjoy every moment and live."
"Because all of us breath. But not so much living."
Jeongguk spoke the words silently yet clearly into the darkness of the living room, engraving every single words he had spoken into his own soul. The text was heavy, as heavy as his heart. And who would he kid for the words have struck into his heart chord.
Jeongguk took the coffee, savouring its strong taste. It was 3 in the morning, here he was drinking his iced coffee when he should be sleeping. But its alright, he convinced himself. He's free of schedule for tomorrow. Or today? He was not sure.
He was also not sure as to why he sat in the middle of living room in total darkness except from the light that came from the little lamp used to read the book. It's the witch hour, perhaps? But he was no witch. Wizard maybe, but he was no wizard either.
He simply enjoyed the silence of night, which was not a complete silence with the car honks and the snores. But it was quiet and he savoured that a lot. It was nice while it last. He was joking himself honestly. It seemed quiet, but the quietness was so loud as well.
The quietness was so loud that his ears ringed. He felt like he was floating, kinda, like he was not here, like he was not real.
But he was real, unfortunately.
He looked at the book again, at the words written on top of old yellowish paper. He tried to focus back into the real world.
"And for those whose lose a part of themselves, even if it was small or large, old or young, beautiful or dark. It was a part of you, and for you to part with them must bring you great emptiness inside, like you're not whole. Not now. Never. Not anymore. And this pain, the pain you're in, would forever stay with you. It descended upon your heart and settled in, taking the place of that you have lose. And there's nothing I could do than pray that you would feel whole again."
"I pray that whoever had found their hand in this old book and read and understand, would find their happiness, and feel loved as every single person in the big world deserve to feel happy. And I pray for their pain to pass and sculpture them strong to face the mean future. I pray for them to heal as emotional pain was just as harsh as physical pain. For villain is never born but made."
"For villain is never born but made." Jeongguk repeated the sentence as he nodded his head, to signify that he agreed with the statement.
"Society push and push. We either strive, killed ourselves or make our pain into others."
"Sickening."
But it is what it is, Jeongguk thought.
Which make it more sickening.
"Society is full of flaws, Human are full of flaws. Then why can't we accept it? We act like perfection is important, like it is a crime to not be perfect when we all know people can never be perfect. It is so fucked up." Jeongguk said loudly to no one.
He then promptly sighed. "What the hell am I doing? Talking to myself in the middle of God knows when."
Jeongguk looked up and stared at the ceiling. He sat there quietly and just stared into the ceiling, perhaps hoping it would give him some sort of answers or thoughts or any statements.
But he still got none even when the sun had risen and the the sky started to light up. He still got none. Nada.
Why people refrain themselves from happiness when it is right in front of them? It was easy, so easy to take it and grasp it and hold it tightly. But no, they just look at it and turn themselves around.
Jeongguk stood from the couch, straighten up his spine from the pain of sitting too long before strode towards the kitchen, wanting to make a glass of iced coffee for himself.
What is happiness even?
"Jeongguk-ah."
"Jeongguk-ah."
Jeongguk blinked before looked towards the source of the voice. There, in front of him, he saw his Yoongi Hyung with a frown on his face. They were currently on the dining table, waiting for the others to finish dressing up.
"Yes, Hyung?"
Yoongi tilted his head a bit and asked, "Are you alright? You look a bit pale."
Jeongguk quickly looked down, afraid of meeting his Hyung's eyes. "I am fine," Jeongguk stated.
He took a breath and released it before looking at his Hyung again, "I'm fine, Hyung. Really."
Yoongi's lips thinned, knowing that Jeongguk lied to him. But he stopped himself from asking any further. Instead, he put his hand on top of Jeongguk's, squeezing it.
Jeongguk gave Yoongi a small smile, squeezing his hand back.
There was a moment before Jeongguk's opened his mouth, he asked, "In your opinion, Hyung, what is happiness?"
Yoongi frowned, a look of concern on his face before it disappeared. "Why do you ask?"
Jeongguk shook his head weakly, "Nothing, Hyung. I'm just a tad curious."
Yoongi hummed, "Happiness, you said?" Yoongi's hand still clutching on Jeongguk's cold hand.
Jeongguk nodded.
"Happiness is subjective, Jeongguk-ah. It is what you think it is. No one can define it other than you. Well, sure we have the definition of happiness in the encyclopedia."
Jeongguk hummed, "it is used in the context of mental or emotional states, including positive or pleasant emotions ranging from contentment to intense joy."
Yoongi just stared at Jeongguk.
Jeongguk shrugged, "Google said it."
Yoongi chuckled and calmly said to him, "—My point is that, happiness can be anything you want it to be. It doesn't need to be because of big achievement. Happiness can come from simple things, like reading under the shades of tree or perhaps eating ice cream in your favorite ice cream parlor. Having a conversation with your family. Even, sleep. Ergo, Jeongguk-ah, don't think too much about it, alright. Happiness would come to, flows to you when you least expect it."
Jeongguk contemplated Yoongi's words, saving it into his mind for future reference. He gave a smile to Yoongi, squeezing his hand again. "Thank you, Yoongi Hyung."
"Anything, Jeongguk-ah. Anything."
And that sentences brought tears to him making him shutting his eyes, afraid the salty tears would come out.
He knew it, always knew that his hyungs love him a lot. Screw it, they were more like family than just idol group. He knew and knew but he always denied it in his mind. Because there's no way Jeongguk meant something in their life, right? He was just Jeongguk. A 13 years old teenager from Busan who came to the city to chase his dream. That's all. He's nothing more than that.
"Jeongguk?"
Jeongguk could feel Yoongi's other hand cupping his cheek, his thumb wiping the tears that fell. "Hey, Jeongguk-ah, baby, why are you crying?" Yoongi asked softly.
Jeongguk just hunched his shoulder, face downward, refused to look at Yoongi's face. He shook his head, "Nothing, Hyung. I just—"
A sob escaped his throat.
"I—"
"It's nothing, Hyung. I'm fine. I'm fine." Jeongguk told Yoongi, trying to convince him. But it looked more like Jeongguk trying to convince his own self.
"You don't look like you're fine, baby."
Jeongguk rapidly shook his head, "I am, Hyung. I am fine. I'll be fine. Don't worry. Don't worry. Please—"
"Okay, Jeongguk-ah. Come one, baby. Breathe with me, please." Yoongi already in front of Jeongguk, kneeling on the floor with his other hand clutching tightly Jeongguk's hand and the other one cupping his cheek.
"You can do it, baby." Yoongi brought the clutched hand to his heart. "You can feel me breathing, right? Follow it, Gguk. Follow it, alright."
And Jeongguk tried his best, despite the tears, despite the fears. He wanted to breathe goddammit. He slowly followed his Hyung's breathing until he finally able to calm down though the tears still leaked out to the world.
"I'm sorry, Hyung. I didn't mean to let you see that." whispered Jeongguk, eyes downcast.
Yoongi brought his other hand that was not clutching Jeongguk's hand to the younger boy's cheeks to wipe the tears. "Nuh uh, Jeongguk-ah. It is perfectly fine. You're my dongsaeng— our dongsaeng. I would be glad if you come to me if any of this thing happened— or any of us. We love you, Gguk."
Jeongguk could only nodded his head.
Yoongi brought his hands and wrapped it around Jeongguk's shoulder. Jeongguk automatically put his face on the crook of Yoongi's neck, gripping tightly on the elder boy's sweatshirt.
"I'm sorry, Hyung."
Yoongi just hummed, giving a peck on Jeongguk's brown hair. "It's alright, baby. We love you lots."
"The wandering boy asked a lot of questions,
Of whatever that piqued his interest.The wandering boy asked a lot of questions,
Why people kill each other for a simple problem that could be solved with simple solution?The wandering boy asked a lot of questions,
Why someone cheated when it was so easy for them to have that happiness they so desired?The wandering boy asked a lot of questions,
Why people chose to focus on the negative aspects when there's a positive side?The wandering boy asked a lot of questions,
Why people so blind?
And no, he didn't ask it in physical sense.The wandering boy asked a lot of questions,
Why people hate so much when they could have love?The wandering boy asked a lot of questions,
Why people chose to ignore all the kind doings but that one wrong?The wandering boy asked a lot of questions,
Why human so complicated?
So complex,
So human.The wandering boy now became the wandering man,
And there's still a lot question he didn't get to ask,
Didn't get to think,
To mutter in the cold showers,
Nor to gaze over in the warmth of summer.For there's not many answers to his falls of questions."
Jeongguk recited the poem, slowly with the hollowness in his voice.
He used to be that boy. The one who stared curiously at everything in his way. With eyes so big and full of innocence and the thumping of his teenage heart, that roaring and screaming and the want to run and know everything.
He used to be so so bright.
What happened to him now?
Life, he thought.
Life happened to him.
At that, he laughed loudly, sounding a bit crazy in his ears. But who cares? There's no one but him in his studio.
It was just him, in front of his desktop, inside the dark studio. Just him. And him.
And him.
And him.
And him.
The ghost of him.
But he's gone now, wasn't he? He's gone from Jeongguk's life, used to be there. But now only memories.
And perhaps Jeongguk had never move on from his death.
But he should have already, when his body already turned into ashes. When there's already many years passed after his death.
He had everything he had ever wanted.
Except him.
He could never had him.
Jeongguk closed his eyes tightly, trying to gather his messy thoughts. "I miss you," he whispered to the utter silence of his studio.
"I miss you."
`Is life worth living? `
That was the title of one post in the forum he frequently checked.
It— for the lack of terms, intrigued him.
He spoke out loud, "Is life worth living?"
Life... was certainly a strange enigma.
Jeongguk could not say he's an expert in living. He, afterall just had have been living for a couple of decades. Barely a gaint of salt.
Not that age mattered though.
Like, alright, maybe age played its part. But you could be young, but already an experienced player.
Yes, age played its part but life experiences also one of the factor for you to become mature. Remember, a child's eyes could look as old and wise as the elders.
They could look so weary and tired that you stopped and thought, "No child should have eyes like that."
But that's it.
That's life.
Life is just so scary. So unpredictable. So simple yet so complex.
Not that Jeongguk thought much, because of course life is complex. Afterall, human was being of complexity, different structures combined, both in physical or mental.
Which made the title more intriguing. Some people may said, that life is so plain and easy and it was the people whom made it hard.
But you could not blame it on person though, life is yours, undeniably. But life together, or in general, are all ours combined. It was an ecosystem. A society.
Which we're all in.
A voice from his back stopped his track of thinking.
"Jeongguk-ah?"
Jeongguk looked towards the source of the voice, seeing his Namjoon Hyung's head in his door.
He did not even hear the crack of his door.
Jeongguk blinked a few times before sound came from his throat, "Yes, Hyung?"
Namjoon smiled softly, "Can I come in?"
Jeongguk blinked again, perplexed, "Of course."
And with that permission, Namjoon open the door widely before took a step inside. He walked towards Jeongguk's bed and promptly sat on it.
Jeongguk just watched the whole thing from his desk. "Can I help you, Hyung?"
Namjoon just shook his head weakly, "No, Gguk. I judt want to check up on you. You've been quite lately."
Jeongguk just stared at Namjoon. Did he really been quite lately?
"Did I?"
"Huh, I didn't realize."
Namjoon chuckled but Jeongguk could still see the concern on his face. "Is something bothering you, Gguk-ah? I can help you if its in my power. Don't worry, alright."
And Jeongguk could not help but smiled ruefully at his hyung and said, "There's nothing wrong, Hyung. Don't worry."
You can not help me, Hyung.
He's gone.
"Are you sure?" asked Namjoon, looking unsure.
Jeongguk nodded and gave Namjoom a more happy smile, "I am fine, Hyung. Nothing's wrong. Really."
"Though Hyung, can I ask you a question?"
Namjoon just looked at Jeongguk. "Of course, Gguk. Anything."
There. That's word again.
Jeongguk gulped, trying not to cry again like when he heard the word from Yoongi Hyung. He's not going to cry again, damn it.
"It's nothing— it just— Is life worth living, Hyung?"
Namjoon's head snapped up, eyes looking intensely at Jeongguk as if trying to find something at his face. His hyung's face now really painted with concern.
"Where does this come from, Gguk-ah?"
Jeongguk darted his eyes, not looking at his hyung. "Well.. I found it in a forum— and ouh well, it kinda interesting? it makes me think— a lot."
Jeongguk looked back at his hyung. "And you always very adept in philosophy, Hyung. I thought I would ask you."
He also enjoyed poetry and philosophy akind a lot.
Namjoon still frowning, eyes filled with worry. He softly asked Jeongguk. "You're not thinking of doing something dangerous, are you?"
Jeongguk stopped.
What?
He— He's not going to do that!!
Or did he?
Jeongguk swallowed down his saliva, suddenly downright nervous. "I'm not, Hyung."
"I'm not. Don't worry about me, alright, Hyung." Jeongguk repeated.
And when Jeongguk looked back at his hyung, Namjoon still frowning— well, scratch that. His hyung now completely worried.
"It just— Can you just answer my question, Hyung?" begged Jeongguk, doe eyes pleading.
"Please."
"Henry IV Part II said;
All the world’s a stage, And all the men and women merely players;
They have their exits and their entrances; And one man in his time plays many parts,
His acts being seven ages.
—It's simple, Jeongguk-ah. It's you, it is you who get to decide it."
"We're all players in this world, Jeongguk-ah. We're all players in every sense that matters. We're not writer, Gguk. As a player, we get to choose in every single turn we make, even when it looks like we dont have any choices."
Jeongguk clammed up his mouth. Breathing. Thinking. Grieving.
He took a breath and exhaled.
Complexity is a must, I see.
"So it depends on me, in the end of the day. That is what you mean, right? I could savour every moment of those choices I made and— I could have not. Because the stage itself is a parade of rights and wrongs. A parade of choices that leads to anything we could probably expect. But, life itself has its own surprise factors, isn't it?"
Namjoon blinked. "Ouh wow, I didn't expect that. That's surprisingly deep, Gguk-ah. But, yes. At least, that's my answer for your question."
"But, Hyung... What if it's not worth it anymore? What is the next step?" Jeongguk asked again, trying to force the pain away from his face, leaving the child-like wonder in his voice.
Why did he do it?
What should I do?
Namjoon quite. A moment passed before he stood up and strode towards Jeongguk. He kneeled in front of the young boy, taking his hands and hold it tight.
"Are you really alright, Gguk?" Namjoon whispered the question, as if he's scared of his own question.
Jeongguk grasped it, feeling the warmth of his hyung's hands. He meekly nodded. "I'm alright, Hyung. I'm alright."
"Then where did these questions came from? Why are you asking? What happened, baby?" His voice soft, pleading, because this is worrying. This whole question about life is worrying.
It's like Jeongguk trying to convince himself that life is worth it. That living— breathing worth it.
"I can't, Hyung. I can't. Not now— Please—" Jeongguk whimpered. He closed his eyelids tightly, afraid of seeing the concern on his hyung's face.
Why the hell I keep worrying them. Stop it, Jeong Jeongguk.
"Okay."
Jeongguk stilled, "Huh?" He slowly faced his Hyung, feeling quite unsure.
And when he looked at his hyung, he became a bit flabbergasted. Namjoon gave him a soft, understanding smile. "I understand, Jeongguk-ah. Take your time, alright. If you're ready, you can tell me."
Jeongguk gulped, trying to contain his emotions. He weakly nodded, telling his hyung that he understood what the elder just said.
Namjoon squeezed his hands, "But, Jeongguk— Listen. If everything become to much for you to bear.. Or you feel like you can not handle it, just come to me, okay. Come to me or to the other hyungs. We will help you. Anywhere. Anytime. Come to us, alright baby."
"Urgh, it's so anticlimactic." 12-years-old-Jeon-Jeongguk whined to his best friend.
His best friend only shrugged his shoulders.
"Haeun! It is anticlimactic. Do not say otherwise." Jeongguk narrowed his eyes.
But Haeun only gave him an expression of confusion. "I didn't say anything though?"
"Looney."
And Haeun gasped. "How dare you called me Looney, you jerk!" He took a pencil from his pencil case and threw it towards Jeongguk. "I am not Looney. I'm not always in a state of so-called daydreaming. You're the one who's wrong." He directed his index finger into Jeongguk. "I did no talking." Haeun whimpered weakly and proceeded to pout.
"I'm not wrong." Haeun said again. But these time, his eyes started to become wet.
Jeongguk's eyes widened, and he rashly and swiftly strode towards his best friend. "Hey! Hey! Don't cry!" Jeongguk panic-ly said.
"You keep doing this kind of thing to me, Gguk... Don't like." And to Jeongguk's utter horror again, the tears fell from his best friend's grey eyes.
Jeongguk hastily and unhesitantly wiped the the tears away. "Don't cry, Haeun-ah.. I'm sorry. I'm sorry." Jeongguk murmured.
And Haeun just stood there, silently with face painted in child-like sadness. Woe-filled eyes looking straight into Jeongguk's brownish eyes.
A stark contrast with how vibrant the wall's colour was, covered with the knickknacks they used to decorate the information board.
It was just, Jeongguk forgot sometimes, how unique his best friend was. They were the same age but once in a blue moon, okay scratch that, most of the time— his best friend always like this. He just felt too much, every single feeling he felt, he felt it in extreme.
And Jeongguk did not have any problem with it. It just how his friend was. Haeun was always like that since the moment they met and became friends. Haeun was a good friend and Jeongguk liked him a lot, didn't matter how he cried at the tiniest complain or when he could not stop smiling when Jeongguk gave him his first ever birthday present from him.
That was just Haeun.
And Haeun was Jeon Jeongguk's bestest friend.
"Death lies on her like an untimely frost, Upon the sweetest flower of all the field."
"Hyung.." Jeongguk called.
Seokjin hummed as a sign for Jeongguk to continue, his eyes not moving from the road. They were in Seokjin's car, on the way to Incheon to try this new place that had high and good reviews. Jeonguk had promised his hyung to accompany him because Seokjin did not want to go alone.
When Jeongguk hadn't continue his speech, Seokjin said, "What is it, Gguk? Hmm?"
"What would you do if someone's you love suddenly left this world forever, Hyung?"
And silence engulfed them.
Jeongguk hastily backtracked, "It's not like that, Hyung. I was just curious. I have had finished this one slice of life anime and it gets me thinking, y'know. About grief and acceptance."
Seokjin hummed and nodded his head softly, "I see.. You got me worried there for one moment, Jeongguk-ah."
Jeongguk let out a chuckle but somehow in Seokjin's ears, it sounded so forced. "I am just curious, Seokjin Hyung. What will you do? Will you be sad? Miserable? Will you miss them?"
Will you follow them?
And Seokjin stayed quiet for a bit. He turned the car's steering, driving into a junction. For a moment, the sound in there were their breaths, the sound from the car moving and Jeongguk's loud heartbeat. But that did not count, because Jeongguk might be a bit biased. It was his heart after all.
"I will miss them for sure, Jeongguk-ah. And perhaps, I will always miss them. It might be hard for me at first, because I am so used with them in my life y'know. I will probably feel like a part of me is missing. And that will hurt me— their death will hurt me. That is certain. I will be sad— I will be miserable and perhaps loneliness will engulfed me like an old friend. And damn it, I might go through 5 stages of grief. But I'd love to think that I will be alright in the end of the day. Okay— maybe not the end of the day. It might take weeks and perhaps months to feel like you can breathe a little bit easier. But I'd love to think that I will be okay, no matter how long it will take. And I know that they will want me to move on as well and be happy."
Jeongguk listened to what his hyung had said quietly, storing them in his mind.
"But what if you can't move one, Hyung?"
Seokjin took his eyes from the road and looked at Jeongguk. The younger boy was looking a bit sad and wan and so tired. He took his left's hand from the steering and tousled Jeongguk's hair. When the boy looked at him, Seokjin gave him a smile.
"Of course, you can, Jeongguk-ah. It is a long road, and you might stumbled a bit, Hell— you might even feel like giving up in the middle of it. But there are other people around you, Jeongguk-ah. They can always help you. Sometimes, all you need are shoulder to lean on, y'know. And we will always be there for you, baby."
Seokjin repeated again, these time with more force and soft understanding, "always."
And at that, Jeongguk smiled sincerely , even if it's a little bit small. "I know, Hyung."
"If you read this line, remember not
The hand that writ it, for I love you so
That I in your sweet thoughts would be forgot,
If thinking on me then should make you woe."
Jeon Jeongguk just wanted to bask in the coldness surrounding him.
"Hyung..." Jeongguk whispered wanly as he pushed the practice room. He refused to look at the big, mirror-covered wall around him. His eyes focus solely on his Hoseok Hyung.
Hoseok's head snapped up from the dance routines, breaking it and shot towards Jeongguk. His eyes comically widened as he looked at Jeongguk's face, before turning into full-blown worry.
He strode towards Jeongguk, hands hanging in the middle. And Jeongguk just... rushed to him.
"Hyung..." Jeongguk said again, as he slammed his body into Hoseok's sweaty one. The elder quickly brought his hands up, embracing him tightly.
"Gguk?"
And Jeongguk just nuzzled his face into the crook of his hyung's neck, lips firmly shut.
This was stupid. Jeongguk acknowledged that. He looked like a needy brat. So what? He needed something— someone to anchor him from his foolishness. Before he did anything that would bring sadness upon his loved ones.
He could feel how tight his hyung hugged him. How safe he felt and how guilty he felt. How easy it was for him to do something that might broke this man infront of him.
What if he succeeded?
Haeun wouldn't want this.
"I'm sorry, Hyung. I'm sorry," Jeongguk murmured, pleaded for the forgiveness even when his hyung hadn't know yet the reason for.
"It's okay, Jeongguk-ah. It's alright." Hoseok whispered softly into his ears, hand comfortingly stroking his back.
And at that, Jeongguk took a step back, leaving the warm, comforting hug. His face in despair, a wild look in his eyes. He croaked, "but you don't know what I just planned, Hyung. It's sickening. It's maddening. You'll hate me, Hyung."
Hoseok took a step towards him. "I'm not going to hate you, Jeongguk-ah." He tried to grab Jeongguk's hands.
And incredulous expression passed Jeongguk's face and he roared, "you will! You will hate me!" He pushed his hyung's hands away.
Jeongguk repeated again but this time, somehow, even more broken than before. "You will hate me, Hyung!" He brought his hands into his hair, harshly tugging it. "You will... You will..."
"Jeongguk-ah..." And there was a heartbroken feeling he could sense from his hyung's voice.
"Jeongguk-ah— No. I could never hate you, Gguk-ah. Never."
Jeongguk looked dead straight into his hyung's eyes. Those brown eyes that widened in concern, worry and love for him. And, damn it, Jeongguk's heart clenched in guilt.
"I tried to kill myself, Hyung."
And the silence engulfed them.
Jeongguk just chuckled dejectedly, bobbing his head as if the truth had revealed itself. "See? You hate me now, aren't you?"
"Jeongguk-ah.. What— you tried to do what?" His hyung choked as he frantically walked to him. Hoseok grabbed Jeongguk's hands tightly. His hyung called him despairingly, "Jeongguk-ah..."
And the tears came back in full force. Jeongguk pleaded, "I'm sorry, Hyung. Sorry— I'm sorry. Hyung, I'm sorry. Please—"
With that, Hoseok brought Jeongguk into his embrace and held him firmly, one hand's cradling Jeongguk's head while the other securely placed on the younger's back. "Jeongguk-ah, why would you— I don't understand, baby. Why?"
And Jeongguk just sobbed, clutching onto his hyung tightly as well. He felt like a child that needed to be comforted after a nightmare. A monster under a bed, perhaps? He wished it was that simple. Just like he said before, complexity is a must. What was simple? And what was complex though?
And somehow, without Jeongguk's realisation, he and his hyung already changed position. Now he was laying on the warm wood floor with his head on his hyung's lap. His hyung's right fingers softly ran through his hair while the left ones was holding Jeongguk's hand. And it's comforting, Jeongguk loved it.
The warmth was so needed. Somehow, along the way, Jeongguk thought he already lost the ability to feel this kind of warmth. And maybe he did— with himself. But his hyungs never ever failed to bring it and consumed him with it.
Sometime, it was suffocating and so unfamiliar— the warmth and loves from his family and his hyung, unlike the cycle of emptiness and sadness that he felt in repeat when he woke up in the morning or went to the bed.
Before he fell asleep because of the exhaustion, Jeongguk mustered the courage and told his hyung , albeit his voice cracked in the middle, "I am the Romeo, Hyung—" He stopped, "Well, I thought I am Romeo."
Hoseok's fingers paused a moment before continuing running through his hair. He whispered, "what do you mean, baby?"
But Jeongguk could not answer for sleep already cradling him in.
And he didn't get to hear his hyung whispering to him, "I could never hate you, Jeongguk-ah."
"Don't be Icarus, Jeongguk-ah." Haeun's voice was soft yet Jeongguk could still hear him clearly even in the midst of ocean's waves.
Jeongguk hummed and turned his head, looking at Haeun from the side. "Why is that?" inquired Jeongguk.
And Haeun kept silence, eyes still watching the star-filled night sky on top of them. He looked really unbothered laying in the sand. He looked so comfortable like it was his place. Like it was home.
"He fell as he soared towards the— His wings melted before the sun, Jeongguk-ah. It ate him."
Jeongguk tried to process what Haeun just said and wanted to ask what did he mean. But before the question could come out, the boy beside him already moved. Haeun sat and crossed his legs, facing Jeongguk.
"You will not be Icarus, right, Gguk-ah? You will not let this whole idol things consume you, right, Jeongguk-ah?" asked Haeun. And something in his best friend's voice finally clicked something inside of him.
Jeongguk smiled reassuringly and brought his hands to hold his best friend's freezing hands. "I told you already, Haeun-ah. I'm going to be fine, okay. Well, maybe a bit tired because— Wow, our new song's routines are real hard." Jeongguk chuckled before squeezing his best friend's hands, "don't worry, alright, Haeun-ah."
And Haeun just nodded and squeezed back Jeongguk's hands. "I trust you."
Then, Haeun looked at Jeongguk and he gave him a smile. Yet somehow, for Jeongguk, Haeun's smile looked so sad, so melancholic. So weary and tired and full of conviction.
And Haeun whispered to him, with the stars, the sky and the ocean as their witnesses. And before them, the words were said, "You're the world, Jeongguk-ah. You're the world."
But Jeongguk was just a teenager, a foolish and naive teenager.
Jeongguk managed to avoid his Hoseok's hyung. Somehow. Though, the sad and concerned eyes are really making him feel guilty. He just hoped that his hyung hadn't had told the others— or that his other hyungs managed to sense these crumbling atmosphere between them. Jeongguk was not trying to run away. He just wanted to think first, putting memo here and there and cataloguing it neatly. Or that was what he convinced himself.
Jeongguk knew he needed to tell his hyung. To tell his other hyungs as well. But he could not do that. It would break their hearts.
Should've thought first before doing it, didn't cha?
Jeongguk sipped his now cold vanilla latte with double shots of espresso he acquired from the cute little cafe down the street from his company's building. He would love to put ice inside the cup but the pantry was too far from his studio for his own liking.
It was just bizarre, really.
In this whole madness he'd succumbed to, he understood why he did it. He might be scared and felt guilty but he understood it.
The thing that he hadn't understand was why Haeun did it. Or maybe he did understand but refused to admit it. Maybe he just felt upset of Haeun leaving him. Forever leaving him.
Jeongguk might not have loved Haeun the same way Haeun loved him. But he loved him nonetheless. Because in the end of the day— or in the end of the world, Haeun was still Jeongguk's best friend.
And Jeon Jeongguk loved him so much.
"We need to talk, Jeongguk-ah." A voice from his back said. Jeongguk swiftly whipped his head to the source of the voice. There, standing near the door of his studio was his beloved Hoseok Hyung. His hyung was wearing a comfy trainer set they modelled for though his face was set in a rather firm resolution.
And at that, Jeongguk knew, he couldn't run anymore.
"Hyung," Jeongguk tried to say firmly but came out a bit shaking in the end of the note. Hoseok's face softened a bit at that.
"We need to talk, Jeongguk-ah," Hoseok repeated as he sat on the double-seated couch. "I'm done with these hide and seek plays you've been doing."
"I'm not trying to do any playing, Hyung." And Hosoek raised his eyebrow, putting an 'are you kidding me?' look on his face. Jeongguk looked a bit sheepish. "Okay. Maybe I did try to run away."
After a moment, Jeongguk let out a resigned sigh. "It's easier that way, Hyung." He gave his hyung a forlorn smile and said, "It's easier to act like it didn't happen."
"But it did happen, Jeongguk-ah."
Jeongguk chuckled mirthlessly, "I know, Hyung. I know."
"Jeongguk-ah..."
And something inside Jeongguk just snapped. He stood abruptly, stammering shakily, "you don't understand, Hyung. You don't understand."
Hoseok stood as well, taking a few steps towards Jeongguk. "Then, make me understand, Jeongguk-ah," pleaded Hoseok.
"I don't want to see you're hurting."
Listening to that, Jeongguk let out a loud laugh. "Surprise! Surprise, Hyung! I'm hurting, everyday. Every single minutes hurt me, Hyung. I feel like I'm going insane with everything. I don't understand anymore. Hell! I don't even know if I want to understand now."
Jeongguk ignored his hyung's shock look over his outburst. And he laughed. He cried. He giggled. He sobbed. He didn't even know which one he's doing right now. Somehow, he already kneeling on the hard floor, tugging his hair harshly.
"I don't know what to do anymore, Hyung. I don't know." And Jeongguk sobbed, letting out all the frustration he pent up inside.
He sobbed even harder when he felt his hyung's hands wrapping around him, hugging him tightly. Jeongguk placed his face on his hyung's chest, gripping on the elder's jacket. "I don't— I don't know what to do anymore, Hyung," cried Jeongguk.
"It's suffocating, Hyung. Everything reminded me of him. The stars— The sky— The Ocean— The poems, Hyung. I feel like dying, Hyung." Jeongguk sobbed into Hoseok's chest. Everything hurt so much. Jeongguk didn't know what to do with all of these feelings. "Hyung..."
Hoseok's heart hurt looking at his dongsaeng like this. But there's nothing much he could do other than comforting his dongsaeng. All he could do was to give him all the hugs, all the supports and all the comforts he needed. He murmured to Jeongguk's ears, "It's alright, Jeongguk-ah. I'm here with you."
And he let Jeongguk cried into his chest, letting out all the tears he kept inside. It seemed like a lifetime, like a fleeting moment before Jeongguk's cries died down.
Hoseok stroked Jeongguk's back comfortingly. "You know we need to tell the others, right?" Hoseok asked.
Jeongguk nodded, still in his hyung's embrace.
"It's okay, Jeongguk-ah. We will go through this together, okay? You're not alone. You are never alone." Hoseok whispered softly into Jeongguk's ears, finger softly trading through his dongsaeng's brownish hair.
Jeongguk didn't know what to say, so he just nodded with his head still in his hyung's chest. He knew, of course, he knew his hyungs would always be there for him. But sometimes, his head just did not want to accept. They literally abandoned that information. And left him to suffer.
I miss you, Haeun-ah.
I want you back.
Jeongguk smiled.
He pushed his legs from the ground, making the swing moved higher. He couldn't help but smile, feeling really giddy like a child in toy shop. He haven't meet Haeun in solid 6 months. Okay, maybe more than that, he kinda lose count if the date already, well sometimes. The point was, he just could not wait to meet Haeun.
So there he waited in their childhood's playground. He came as soon as he arrived at Busan. It was probably 1 in the morning. But Haeun replied back, so wait there he did.
Jeongguk
Already arrived (´∀｀)♡
Haeun
wait
And Jeongguk stayed in the swing, moving higher and higher, sometimes letting the gravity did it work. He missed this, the night breeze on his skin, the sting light from the lamppost around the playground. He missed not being in the center of attention, missed when there weren't eyes to watch his every single moves. He guessed, he missed the normalcy— his old life.
"Gguk-ah!!"
Jeongguk looked up at the source of the voice. There, he saw a boy with curly black hair, wearing black hoodie paired with khakis-colored shorts. The boy was waving at him.
Jeongguk stood up, toothy-smile already gracing his face. "Haeun-ah!!" Jeongguk shouted without a care. The playground was a bit far from the houses.
With that, Haeun ran to him. Jeongguk opened his arm, awaiting the arrival of his best friend. And Haeun, for the lack of better terms, crashed into Jeongguk. His arms hugging Jeongguk's shoulers real hard. And Jeongguk squeezed twice as hard, hiding his face into the crook of Haeun's neck.
"I miss you." Haeun croaked, voice wavering.
"Me too." Jeongguk replied into the bundle of hood, still not letting go of the hug.
They stayed like that for a moment.
Haeun moved first from the hug, pulling his hands away. "Wahh.. I really miss you lots, Gguk-ah." Haeun chuckled and somehow it turned into sob.
Haeun covered his eyes that now leaking tears, shoulders shrieking in. "Sorry, Jeongguk-ah. I just.. I miss you."
Jeongguk gave out a small smile, before cupping up Haeun's cheek, wiping the tears away. "Hey— shut it. It's alright. I miss you lots as well, Haeun-ah."
Haeun just nodded.
Jeongguk took Haeun's hand, guiding him towards the swings. He then pushed Haeun's shoulders, asking him to sit at the swing. Jeongguk proceeded to sit at the other swing.
Haeun let out a few sniffles, face still blotched with tears' work. "So, Gguk, how's idol life treating you? How many love letters have you received?" asked Haeun, wiggling his eye brows.
And Jeongguk laughed, amused at Haeun's face.
"Too many to count." Jeongguk snickered and the he smiled and said, "but I love it though. I've read every single one, well at least I tried to read every single one."
"Good. I'm happy you're happy."
Jeongguk looked at his best friend. "How's highschool?"
Haeun made a sour face and whined, "sucks... As always." And at that, Jeongguk made a reprimanded face.
"You know I don't like people." Haeun said defensively.
Jeongguk sighed weakly, "you ought to try, Haeun-ah."
Haeun shook his head childishly before he deflated. "You know the drills, Gguk. I can't— I'm scared."
"I know, Haeun-ah. But you need to try. I don't want you to be a loner. You need to socialize. Well.. At least try, okay."
Jeongguk added, "for me, please."
Haeun kept quiet for a few moments and Jeongguk waited. He would wait for how long Haeun wished for him to wait. Because Jeongguk knew, these kind of things— socializing, did not come easy for Haeun. So there Jeongguk sat on the swing, silently and patiently, before Haeun nodded his head, though a bit weak.
Jeongguk beamed.
"I want you to be happy, Haeun-ah."
And Haeun just kept silence, only giving him a smile. Maybe it was because of the lack of the light but Jeongguk did not see how forced the smile Haeun just gave to him.
Jeongguk lowered his face, refusing to look at his hyungs that sitting around him. Somehow their living room felt really small and crowded.
Jeongguk tightened his hold onto Hoseok's Hyung left hand, bringing it closer to him. He focused all his senses on his hyung's hand because if not, he would start to freak out and ran away, again.
Namjoon Hyung spoke up, his voice firm yet warm. "What is it you want to talk about, Hoseok-ah?"
Hoseok nudged Jeongguk's side. "Gguk-ah.." And at that, Jeongguk tightened up more his hold on his hyung's hand. Hoseok whispered, "You can do it, baby. Breathe, alright. If... If this is too much for you, I can tell them for you. Just say the word, I will do it for you."
Jeongguk took a deep breath, trying to calm his wild heartbeat. Jeongguk shook his head slowly. "I— I want to do it on my own, Hyung."
Jeongguk kept silence, trying to gather courage. While he doing this, he was not aware of his hyungs glancing at each other, frown and concern painted on their face. Because it's not like they did not notice how Jeongguk had been behaving lately. They were all so worried but did not want to push the boy.
With an inhale, Jeongguk looked up, facing his hyungs. "I'm sorry. Please do know that I'm sorry and I regretted my action—" Jeongguk stopped. He took a deep breath again, and another one then he looked at his hyungs. "When that happened, I— I kind of lose footing on reality. It felt right at that moment—" Hoseok tightened his grip on Jeongguk's hands at that.
Jeongguk tried again, "It felt right; so I did it. I— I tried to kill myself, Hyung." He looked at his feet and shut his mouth, waiting for his hyungs' reply.
When Jeongguk arrived, he didn't know what to think. He felt numb. He did not even care when his flannel billowed from the wind, letting the comforting coldness engulfing him. His body moved like he's in autopilot. Like he was just a shell of a body. He felt like that though, more than he did like.
"Haeun-ah.. I've come."
Ha Eun
1997-2016
Here lies a boy with a heart pure than diamond
Jeongguk sat in front of Haeun's grave, putting a bouquet of white and pink lilies on top of it. He then pulled his legs towards his chest, hugging it.
"You know what, Haeun-ah? I miss your hugs. If you were alive, you'd probably run and embrace me with your tight hug. And you will say 'I miss you, Gguk-ah" and giggle before cry into my chest."
Jeongguk looked longingly at the grave, unseeing.
"And I will laugh it off and wipe your tears. Your warm tears," Jeongguk shakily said.
"But ouh well— you can't do that now, can you?-"
Jeongguk then blurted, "I am mad at you— was mad at you."
A tear fell, sliding through his cheek.
And another.
And another.
"I thought you were selfish. Selfish for leaving me behind. It's not fair at all. You'd get to die while I'm stuck here with all these feelings and it's suffocating, Haeun-ah. I feel suffocated." Jeongguk let out a soft hollow chuckles.
"Or maybe not— You're Haeun. My Haeun. You... were selfless. Maybe you have wanted to die for so long but somehow you keep postponing it.. because you dont want make me sad."
Jeongguk had been friend with Haeun for as long as he remembered. Of course he knew how Haeun's like. He could be eccentric sometimes. People might have called him crazy once or twice. He could smile like happiness is his and cried like he lost someone in a span of 1 minutes. But it just how it was, y'know. It just how Haeun was.
Perhaps Haeun was tired. Too tired with everything.
Jeongguk harshly wiped his tears with the back of his hand.
"I understand." Jeongguk said in finality. "It is so hard and maybe took me too much times but I'm finally here and have courage to do so. I want to say; I understand, Haeun-ah. If this is what you have wanted then so be it. You tired, right? Rest, Haeun-ah. It's okay. I'm okay— I will be okay. After all, this world did not deserve you."
He softly caress the green grass infront of Haeun's tomb, fingers trading through mix of damp grass and dirty soil.
Jeongguk smiled before he shook his head slowly and said, "it's kinda dumb of me y'know. It took me a long time to find this conclusion yet I have actually thought about this before; You were so bright, Haeun-ah. So bright that you burnt so fast."
"And I want you to know that I am so glad and thankful that I got to know you."