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Ava wasn’t surprised when she realized she wouldn't fall asleep anytime soon. She worried too much, her head was a nest of confusing thoughts. She kept going back to that tomb, and then to her time at the orphanage, and she couldn't help but think that all of that was happening inside her head, that if she fell asleep, she would be back at the orphanage somehow, on that sick bed again, paralyzed from the neck down and the worst of all, alone.
Deep down she knew it wasn't possible. Her dreams were not that realistic, and even if they were, she was pretty much sure she would have awakened at the moment she supposedly got run over by a freaking truck. Something about the adrenaline being able to wake people up, or the fear of death, she couldn’t remember.
It’s been two months since they defeated Adriel for good, and she couldn’t quite figure out her emotions either. She should be happy that she wouldn’t have to face death in the eye again, she should be happy that that monster was gone for good after what had been months of apprehension and distrust. But she just felt empty.
It had been a whole month until she could regain her energy and she still had some scars on her skin, on tissue that theoretically should have been able to heal entirely by itself. Guess that’s the power of Divinium. And another month so that the dust could settle down and they could think about the future or whatever that meant to them, which included leaving Cat’s Cradle. But leaving meant saying goodbye and she didn’t want to say goodbye to the family she had made, even when she knew she had to, and the moment was really close now. After all, the mission was over. They had saved the world and were finally free to live their lives. She should be happy. But all she could think about was that soon she would be alone again, this was never meant to last forever anyway.
“Fuck this.” Ava heavily sighed as she grabbed her blanket and began her journey to the only room she could get to with her eyes closed, although to be fair it wasn’t that far from her room anyway.
The corridors were endless as she passed through each room of the building. At least that’s how she pictured in her mind as she moved Severus Snape style with her blanket functioning as a huge cape behind her back. In reality, Beatrice’s room was just ahead turning the right and then a little forward, passing two other bedrooms. A door just like the others, except for the fact that Ava didn't care about the others the same way she cared about the English nun sleeping in that room, it was something deeper that neither of them knew or even understood.
She took a deep breath, silencing any doubt that crossed her mind, and knocked on the door. As soon as Beatrice answered, the halo bearer noticed two things at once. First, she could see two bags opened on the floor, with clothes carefully wrapped up. Second, the nun wasn’t in her normal sleeping clothes, she wasn’t even sleeping at all, and Ava would have known since this wasn’t the first time she came to her dorm. Was she leaving without saying goodbye?
“Ava, hi. Wasn’t expecting to see you here, isn't it a bit late?” Beatrice looked nervously around her room, not much different from a deer caught in the headlights or from a person sneaking in the kitchen at late hours, and again, Ava would know a thing or two about the last one.
But now her hands were fiddling restlessly with her sleeves and she almost forgot what she came there to say, almost. “Yeah, it is… I- I wanted to talk to you if it’s okay?”
“Of course,” Beatrice said already opening space for Ava to pass, the halo bearer didn’t think she would have noticed the worried lines on the nun’s face if she hadn’t already recorded all the expressions the other had. She had put on some of those faces herself, mainly to seem unfazed to the evil nuns back at Saint Michael’s.
“Uh, somewhere else maybe?” Ava suggested, staying firm in place.
For a second Beatrice considered changing and then she realized she was already dressed and weirdly closed the door behind her. “Okay, show the way.”
And so they walked to the exit of the building, but instead of going outside, Ava turned right up to the stairs, and then to the last floor and to the old abandoned room at the end of the corridor. Beatrice was sneaking not-so-subtle glances at Ava, but the girl was too focused on noticing the abstract beauty of the place.
To everyone else, it was just a dusty room full of trash, but to Ava, even the trash had its history, memories of the people that had used those objects or had read those books long before their existence. And maybe it was the years trapped in a bed, but she liked to explore things on her own and learn about their mysterious past.
Beatrice was following close behind and sneezed when she came close to an old bookshelf. The brightness of the moon was the only source of light in the room, and she needed to walk very carefully to not trip on anything. “How did you find this room?”
“How didn’t you?” Ava countered, risking a quick glance back before focusing back on the path.
“Huh, I'm sorry if it isn’t my top priority to enter prohibited spaces.”
“I hate to break it to you, but it’s not prohibited if it doesn't have any warning signs..”
“Fine, but in my defense, I would’ve no business going this far up Cat's Cradle.” Beatrice argued and took her time to bypass a weird chair near the odd-textured sofa “...Why did you?”
A moment had passed, and Beatrice didn’t think she would get an answer until Ava replied with a casual shrug like it was nothing. “Trouble sleeping.”
“But I thought you’d come to my room if you had any problems…” The British nun stopped and tried to hide the hurt in her voice, but Ava just continued to head to the last window of the room that was more like a fire exit than anything else with a rusty metal ladder going up and tied the blanket around her neck to free her hands.
“Well, turns out I don’t want to be a burden forever.” Ava knocked the side of the ladder and proceeded climbing it, apparently done with the conversation.
“Ava, I thought things were getting better, and you weren’t having that many nightmares anymore, I- Why didn’t you tell me?” Beatrice followed her to the roof swiftly.
Ava's movements became more frantic as she spread the blanket over the tiled roof, near the edge. She should have brought the spare one, but she wasn’t thinking clearly and it wouldn’t really matter the next day, “I think you know.”
“Tell me.” Beatrice insisted and got even closer, close enough to see Ava’s little freckles, distant enough so that they weren’t touching.
“Because you’re going away.” Ava nearly screamed and a sob escaped from her mouth, and she hadn’t even realized she was crying for god's sake. Suddenly it felt way too overwhelming to be there in the first place, she thought before continuing. “Everyone is going away and there’s nothing I can do about it.”
“Ava, I thought you wanted to see the world by yourself. I mean, it was the one thing you could think about when you regained your movements”
“I wanted to! Hell, I still want to. But that was before I met you guys.” Ava then turned her back so that it was facing Beatrice and sat on the blanket with her legs crossed and hastily wiped her tears with her hands, “Can’t we just look at the stars?”
“Yeah, of course we can, sure.” For a moment Beatrice didn’t think she was welcomed on the blanket, something she quickly forgot when Ava subtly padded the space next to her as an invitation, almost as if she could read minds.
The silence was heavy with the weight of a thousand unsaid words. Ava was breathing irregularly and that alone was breaking Beatrice’s heart. She knew the girl was trying to hold her tears back, trying so hard to act like she was fine, and at that moment Beatrice felt like a failure like they just gave two steps back into nothing.
Beatrice also knew it was her fault. Getting to know Ava was the best thing that has ever happened to her, but in the moments when she was alone, she would often hear her parents’ voices in her head, daunting her, telling her that what she was thinking was gross, yelling at her for not being the child they wanted, blaming her for her “sins”, making her question her faith altogether. And although Ava had been so patient with her since the beginning, she couldn’t continue doing that, she wouldn’t. In her mind, distancing herself was the best she could do to Ava, and there was no turning back now.
So she fought her own tears from falling and with all the strength that she could gather, she held Ava’s hand. She held it tightly and Ava reciprocated it with the same amount of pressure.
“Can I ask you a question?” The halo bearer started and didn’t even wait for a response while shooting away, “if you could go anywhere in the world, where would you go and why?”
“Probably Norway.” It wasn’t hard to recall the events of the holiday she spent there. Her parents were invited to some business party as usual and her presence was required by them. Although, all she wanted to do was to isolate herself outside the building, “The country has this phenomenon called Aurora Borealis and-“
“Oh, just like Christmas Vacation!” Ava interrupted.
“What?”
“It’s a movie, I know what Aurora Borealis is. It’s when the sky turns multiple colors at night. It’s so beautiful.” Ava sighed, keeping her eyesight to the sky, not wanting to be anywhere else.
Meanwhile, Beatrice kept her focus entirely on Ava, decorating all the details of her face. “Yeah, beautiful.” She managed to say and with that pulled one string of Ava’s hair behind her ear.
Ava took a deep breath and absorbed the view from up there, it was like they were the only people on Earth. That moment was kind of familiar, as so many nights before the final fight they spent stargazing and appreciating the comfort of the other's company.
When Ava risked a glance at Beatrice, she caught the other already staring and couldn't help but blush a little, as she took the girl in. They were in a trance that not even the end of the world would be capable of breaking it, until, of course, Ava did, “listen, what happened in Venice-”.
But Beatrice already cut her out, recovering fast from her stupor as she shook her head and stood up. “Please, don’t. Forget what happened in Venice, Ava…”
“But it happened and it meant something. Look me in the eyes and say it didn’t. Come on!” Ava countered with a face nearing confusion and hurt, still on the blanket, although fully sitting now.
“Ava…”, the nun was holding her gaze down, one of her many tickles that indicated she was lying or hiding from something. Ava used this moment to push even further.
“See? Please let’s talk about it…”, the younger girl stood from where she was and tried to reach for the other, but her hands found the air, as Beatrice kept taking steps back.
“I'm sorry, I can't…”
“Bea, please don’t go. I-I can’t just say goodbye.” The halo bearer pleaded, her voice small, holding back tears of her own and Beatrice was already holding the staircase.
“I’m truly sorry, Ava…” before she could go back on her decision, she went down the stairs, and soon she was gathering her things and heading to catch an Uber to the airport.
“Beatrice,” Ava said to the shadow of the girl that was once there, sobbing as the sun started to rise on the horizon.
Beatrice didn’t look back and for the first time, Ava didn’t follow her.
It was never meant to last forever.