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So. Who is…? He. She?
“Are you ever going to answer my question?”
Anne held her teacup above the saucer as Miss Ferrall, once again, managed to catch her off guard. Maybe she had hoped that dancing with her at the Queen’s birthday ball would have made the young woman look the other way. In fact, Anne felt like she had only increased Miss Ferrall’s interest.
And maybe she would have seen what she could have done with that interest. Seen how far she could have taken things with Miss Ferrall. She did seem a rather open-minded individual.
Only… it had become more evident in Copenhagen that Anne’s thoughts were never too far from Ann Walker, no matter how hard she tried. Maybe it was just because of the letter that she had received in Paris or the fact that she’d had no reply to her reply.
Or maybe she was still thinking about the odd feeling she had when she was in London. The one that almost made her leave for Fortrose instead of Paris. And there was something deep inside of her that made her think that she had made the wrong choice.
But the last thing that she thought would happen was that Miss Ferrall would want to pick up one of their conversations again.
“Answer what question?” Anne said, attempting to refind her footing by placing down her teacup.
“About who broke your heart.”
There is a list. Anne thought. I can even give it to you in order of how much they broke me.
Although Anne did have to ponder on who would take the top spot, with her finding herself with only two names; Mariana and Ann. The relationship she had been chasing for the last two decades or her latest relationship. She knew which one made her heart ache more. She just found herself surprised by it. Even if there was no reason for her to be.
“I have a friend that is ill. In Scotland.” Anne said eventually, forcing her voice to be as level and emotionless as she could make it. “When her sister wrote to me, I thought that… well, I thought I might have a more direct way to reach her. We… we said that we wouldn’t directly correspond with each other. Although that now seems like a rather foolish suggestion of mine. All because I thought… I would end up doing her more harm than good.”
“You could have written again.”
“I didn’t want to offend. I must have done when I replied to get no reply.”
Anne took a few moments to think over her own words. And she was being truthful. Just because she had offended people in the past, didn’t mean that she went around offending people for the fun of it. Things felt different when thinking about the Sutherlands as well. Potentially offending them seemed to have… this higher price.
The higher price being Ann.
She shook her head to try and remove her last thought. But it wouldn’t go. And when she briefly closed her eyes, all she could see was Ann smiling widely at her.
If she knew everything that was going to happen after they left York, then Anne was sure that she wouldn’t have ever left the bed that she had shared with Ann. She would have held onto her tightly and refused to let go. If only to save both of them from the heartbreak.
“If you were that worried about her, wouldn’t you want to keep writing until you got a reply?” Miss Ferrall said.
“It’s complicated,” Anne said, hoping to stop the conversation before she became a little too candid.
“Love shouldn’t be.”
Briefly, Anne found her thoughts directed to Mariana. That love should have been simple. And there were times when it did feel that way. The simple love of two 20-something years olds, head over heels in love with each other. Anne was sure that it was the better memories that kept their love alive after all those years. But she was sure things had changed. That their love was even further away from simple as it had been before. Especially with how they left things in London. And there was a part of her that wished that she never said anything about Ann to Mariana. Because she was sure that would come back to bite her at some point.
And, instantly, she was thinking about Ann again and how good their relationship had been. For a while.
And if Anne allowed herself to think about it more, then she knew that she hadn’t been that happy for a rather long time. As much as she was sure that she had awoken something in Ann, Ann had equally awoken something in her. After all, she was never meant to fall for her in the way that she had done. What she had said to Mariana had been true. She was lonely and Ann was there. There was just more to it. More than Anne would ever tell anyone.
She cursed herself internally, filling herself with thoughts about them going on the trip that they had planned. Maybe she would have been in Copenhagen with Ann right now. Or all snuggled up at Shibden. She just hoped that they would be together. Not hundreds of miles apart.
“Who said anything about love?” Anne said, knowing that her desires were a closely guarded secret. Or she at least tried to keep it closely guarded.
Miss Ferrall’s smile unnerved her. Somehow this young woman was managing to dodge all the polite ways that Anne used to say what she meant without expressing it in the way that she wanted to.
“We are talking about your broken heart. Of course, love is involved.”
“You do seem… rather set on the idea of love. I’ve only found love to be a privilege that most people don’t get.”
“But you have found it.”
Anne found herself scoffing at the thought of it. “Hmm, if I have, then it hasn’t stayed.”
“What’s her name then?”
For someone who stood up to one of the most powerful men in Halifax just before she left, Anne found herself unable to hold Miss Ferrall’s gaze as she had done with Mr Rawson. This young woman was starting to get under her skin and she didn’t like it.
“It’s just a name, Miss Lister.” Miss Ferrall said, her tone sounding so innocent.
“It’s more than that.”
“Two names then.”
Anne thought that she was good at reading people. That she could walk into a room and within a few moments, have complete and utter control of it. But she felt like Miss Ferrall had some weird sixth sense. Which was probably why Anne wasn’t having much luck in deterring her. Or maybe it was just the Danes. Not that Anne hadn’t felt on her game for the whole trip.
“And both… gone,” Anne said.
For some reason, Blackstone Edge and the events that took place there hit her. Maybe she should have realised it then. That her and Mariana weren’t always going to work. That they would never have their time together. That there would always be something to keep them apart. That, maybe, in some weird twist of fate, Charles would end up outliving the both of them, maybe in spite of the fact that they did want to be together so badly. That Mariana would only ever be a guest at Shibden rather than a permanent resident.
But Ann… She had a lot of hope for Ann.
And maybe…
Anne only stood up to try to stop herself from thinking. Usually, she wouldn’t berate her brilliant mind but at the moment, it wouldn’t give her any rest. And the more she kept thinking, the worst it got.
Because maybe, if she hadn’t been so blinded by Mariana’s love, or her love for Mariana, then maybe she could have, maybe should have, explored any potential feelings that Ann had for her sooner. She hadn’t been so blind not to notice that, potentially, she could have proposed all the same ideas to Ann a decade earlier. A younger mind could have been easier to shape as well. And before all of the grief that Ann had to go through. Maybe Anne could have better equipped her for the world. Maybe the painfully shy young woman wouldn’t have been painfully shy. Although the possibilities of the woman that Ann could have been only made Anne feel sad for the woman that she was. Especially if she could have been so much more.
“Do you want the same then?” Miss Ferrall said, bringing Anne out of her thoughts. “To marry only for love? Do you think I am naive?”
“I think you ask too many questions.”
“Now I think I’ve touched a nerve.”
Anne swallowed. “I barely know you and… you seem to.” She paused as she thought about how she was going to word it. “There are only a handful of people in this life that have truly understood me. Even some of my oldest friends.” She paused again. “Even when I tell them exactly what I want.”
“So I have touched a nerve.”
“Just so you know, that is a hard thing to do.”
“I’m honoured then.”
“And yes. Love is the only reason I would marry. Or get as close as I can to being married.”
Miss Ferrall’s face seemed to light up after Anne said that. Maybe she knew that Anne had given over a small part of herself. That maybe, deep down, this mad and eccentric woman was just as human as the rest of them. Or maybe she had just given Miss Ferrall a glimmer of hope that she wasn’t on her own. That there were at least two of them in the world, looking for love and not wanting anything else but love.
“Tis absence, is it not, that makes the heart grow fonder.” Miss Ferrall said.
“Does it?” Anne said, feeling the words connect with the feeling deep inside of her.
“I think so. I think you should write again, maybe directly to your friend in Scotland. And I don’t think you should take no reply for an answer.”
With that, it seemed like Miss Ferrall had ran out of things to say and questions to ask as she stood up and said about her mother expecting her home soon. And Anne had to admit that she watched her go from the window, making sure that she was going to leave. Mainly because the woman had asked too many questions and had seen through all of Anne’s barriers, somehow.
As she turned back to the room, her vision landed on her writing materials on her desk and her heart did yearn to sit down and pour her heart out to Ann. Bearing in mind how many chances she gave Mariana, surely she could give Ann another one. Maybe she could get her to change her mind.
Instead, she closed her eyes and attempted to conjure up the argument that they’d had. The one where Ann told her that what they did was repugnant and queer and hurt Anne to no end. Especially when things had been so good between them before. It was the last thing she had expected to fall out of Ann’s mouth.
All Anne wanted to do was to get little Miss Walker off of her thoughts.
The problem was that as much as she tried to build up that hurt and anger, it was extinguished by invisible kisses being peppered on her cheeks, making their way from right to left. Just as Ann had done, her apology ringing in her ears at the same time. The madness that followed that apology should have put her off too but… Anne was right when she told her aunt that she had become more fond of Ann than she had ever imagined.
Anne let out a sigh, knowing that she wasn’t going to write to Scotland again. But, at some point, she knew that she would have to admit it.
She missed Ann.
And more than Anne had ever missed anyone else before.
Even more than she was missing her aunt.
And, at the time, she wouldn’t be grateful for the letter that would arrive, calling her home. And if Anne didn’t believe in Providence before, she would then.