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She was eighteen and he was twenty when she caught him sleeping in the library. All long limbs spread out and hands barely clutching a book to his chest. He’d been studying as soon as he came home for summer break; always the diligent student.
She’d always noticed him. Maybe it was his substantialness; his height or the width of his chest that seems to have always drawn her eye to him. Maybe it was the unusual features of his face the softness his mouth and the heaviness of his brow; he looked like a contradiction to her all both fearsome and lamentable…
She brings a chair closer to him observing the steady rise and fall of his chest.
He’d been wearing black more in the last couple of years, it suited him.
He’d never been like the boys she’d known. Not as over friendly as Poe, not as brotherly as Finn, he stood in his own category all together, one she failed to comprehend at times.
He’d gave Poe a bloody nose once when he flicked her skirt up. And while she knew Poe only did it because “Poe” She was almost about to laugh when Ben struck him right in the nose knocking Poe flat on his back. He probably would have hit him again if Rey hadn’t pulled him back. For the next week Ben acted like she didn’t exist and Rey was left wondering once again.
She leans forward in her chair, like this she’s eye level with him. She feels strange looking at him so unguarded, without his trademark scowl.
She doesn’t know why she’s sitting here. She doesn’t know why she even came in here. But now that she is here she feels like she could watch him for hours.
Its an impulse really, maybe….If she was honest with herself, which she rarely ever was…She’d admit that maybe she always wanted it to be him…
She presses her lips against his; the softest of touches. She feels his exhale against her cheek. Then his mouth opens and he deepens the kiss. Her breath stops as he licks into her mouth.
“B-Ben.” His name comes out in a whisper.
He stops.
She opens her eyes and see’s the moment he blinks awake; awareness slowly washing over him.
He was asleep.
The whole time…
Tears unexpectedly prick her eyes.
He touches his lips; realizing. He looks at her, eyebrows drawing together.
“Did…” His voice is rough with sleep, lower than she’s ever heard it “Did you kiss me?”
She pulls her lips inward biting down on them.
His brow furrows “Why?” He looks hurt, angry even.
She opens her mouth but nothing comes out.
He grabs her upper arms “You can’t just do something like that! ”
“Why?” In hindsight it’s a pretty stupid thing to say.
He growls and hoists her off the chair. He pushes her to the carpet and straddles her waist. His hands hold hers above her head.
“You see how easy that was to get you on your back? What if you did that with someone else Rey? How do you think that they would react?”
Her eyes are glassy “I wouldn’t.”
“What?” He grinds out.
“Do that with anyone else Ben…Just you.”
“Y—“ His eyes widen then slowly his face starts glowing a magnificent shade of crimson.
She realized it then. It’s Ben. It’s always been Ben…
He rears back dropping her hands as if she burned him. He covers his mouth with a shaking hand.
Rey takes her chance. She lunges and tackles him to the ground. She sits on his chest looking down at him.
The surprised look on his face alone is worth its weight in gold.
“You know…” She drags her hands from his shoulders down his torso where his shirt has ridden up just on his ribs “You kind of kissed me back.”
He throws his head back and huffs “I was asleep! Dreaming!”
She cocks her head to the side “About what?”
“About—“ He’s looking at her, no strike that he’s looking at her lips very pointedly whether he realizes it or not “—Nothing.” He swallows.
She watches his throat bob and her mouth starts watering. She threads her fingers through his and holds his hands down on either side of his head as she leans over him.
“Rey.” He warns; weakly.
Her breath ghosts over his face and his eyes close. She rubs the side of her nose against his and his mouth parts in a gasp. She takes the opportunity to softly lick into his mouth the same way he did to her, she ends by kissing him sweetly on the mouth.
He tips his head back out of reach breathing heavy “R-Rey you shouldn’t—“
Quick as a snake she licks a strip against the side of his throat.
“Hrghn.” He gurgles.
“I’m sorry I didn’t realize it sooner.” She lifts her hands and he leaves his still pressed against the carpet “I guess I’m just sort of thick that way.” She strokes his face.
His eyes are black and glassy; utterly debauched “You…You what?” He wheezes.
She runs her fingers over his plush lips “You love me Ben.”
He sighs heavily working his lips as he does almost sneering “What gave you that idea?”
She idly runs her fingers down his neck, her fingers catching in the dip of his clavicle “You did idiot.”
He turns his head away but not fast enough for her to see the tears gathering in his eyes.
“When did you first know?”
“Do I have to talk about this?” He grouses.
She presses a palm against his heart; it beating like a hummingbirds wings “Yes.”
He closes his eyes shut tight.
Her fingers twitch on his chest “Please…”
He sighs “I was Twelve when Kenobi adopted you. You were a tiny thing and I was little shit.” He huffs.
She runs a single fingers down his nose “You were lonely, same as me.”
“Yeah well…I had hell of a way of showing it. I called you a sand rat and you kicked me in the balls.”
She grins.
“Ended up going to the hospital after that ‘Testicular Torsion’.” He winces at the memory.
“I forgot about that…”
“I didn’t.” He smirks “Never forgot how hard you were crying when you came to see me, begging me not to die. Even though I was a total jerk to you, you cried and cried until you fell asleep at the foot of my bed. After that…” He shrugs “ Kind of down hill from there I guess.”
“That’s very ‘Solo’ of you.”
He snorts “Girl kicks my ass and I fall in love with her. Dad would be proud.” He pulls his chin to his chest and his lips quiver a moment “Do you…”
She draws circles on his chest with her pointer finger “Do I what?”
He looks at her his eyes full and dark, lips quivering. His heavy brow pulls down over his eyes “Ar-Are you going to make me say it?” He bites out.
His whole demeanor quite the opposite of the tone he’s taking with her; his tearful eyes and quaking lips verses his sharp tone ; but that’s Ben she supposes her walking contradiction.
Rey never really considered herself a sadist, but she supposes since he’s being rather testy she ought to teach him a lesson.
He’s made no move to touch her his hands still resting besides his head on the carpet. She looks at his petulant face as she slowly lifts the hem of his shirt to his chin.
He works his jaw “Why are you doing th—AT!?” His voice cracks loudly as she flicks a nipple with her pointer finger.
Maybe she is a sadist after all “Do you want me to stop?”
His nostrils flair; utterly outraged.
She smoothes her hands over his pecks down the sides of his ribs, lightly presses between every rib “Ask your question Ben.”
The muscles in his jaw are jumping, his lips pulled into a hard line. His eyes are obsidian every bit of brown eaten up by the darkness there.
She runs the tip of her nose down his chest and kisses his sternum. His back arks into her and she sits back to look at his delightfully flustered face.
“Ask. Me. Ben.”
“I KNOW YOU DON’T LOVE ME BACK!” He cries “Even if I was handsome and nice and-and-and not a complete emotional wreck and even if I had more money than God you still wouldn’t want me! I Get it Rey! Okay! You can stop torturing me please!”
“So, what you're saying is if I was vapid I would love you?”
“NO!”
“No?”
“No!”
“Then what are you saying?”
He closes his eyes and takes a breath “Please Rey.” Tears run out the corner of his eyes.
“Look at me Ben.”
He hiccups.
“Please look at me.”
He opens his eyes “I’m always looking at you.”
“Always?”
“I’ve never stopped.” He swallows “I’ll never stop.”
“Good.” She caresses his face “Don’t ever stop looking at me.”
“Rey?”
“I love you Ben Solo. I’ve loved you before I even realized it.” She grins at him “And it’s not because of the reasons you think I should. It's because you are you Ben. You love with every bit of yourself, you give it all freely and you ask nothing in return. What inspires such loyalty I’ll never know.”
“You do.” He replies openly with tears “Its always been you.”
“I honestly don’t know what you see in me, I wish I could see it for myself.”
He looks at her his eyes endless and soft. He sits up slowly and she ends up settled in his lap. He presses his forehead against hers, nuzzling his nose against hers “You are everything I wish I could be. You are the light in my life.” He kisses her cheek “I’m selfish Rey, if I had my way I would keep you all to myself. I realized early on that you wouldn’t want that though…You didn’t deserve that, you deserve everything this world has to offer you. With or without me in the picture.”
“I want you.”
His breath hitches.
“I want you with me, always.”
He laughs and she adores the sound.
“That’s all I’ve ever wanted.”