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Zabuza isn’t sure how he ended up here in a civilian house in Fire Country sitting across from Hatake Kakashi and drinking very fine tea while waiting for a home-made dinner. He had been present for the entire sequence of events, from the first violent encounter on the shore to the last act of desperation on the bridge, but somehow he can’t reconcile himself to his new, uncertain fate. Hatake’s lone visible eye wavers between incredulous and resigned whenever their gazes meet. Zabuza is glad to know he isn’t the only person who finds the situation unbelievable.
Zabuza and Haku haven’t even been ordered visit to Konoha’s Torture and Interrogation Department. They had followed Hatake’s team through the gates straight to the Hokage Tower. The pair of foreign shinobi had waited outside the Hokage’s office under the watchful eye of ANBU as Team 7 gave their report.
There had been a lot of shouting from the blond brat and from a second, an older voice which must have belonged to the Hokage, but the fancy seals on the door effectively muffled even raised voices. After an unnerving half-hour of waiting, the Hokage dismissed Team 7, and Naruto had proudly announced that Haku and Zabuza were staying at his house. Oh, and Kakashi-sensei too, since the old man insisted.
One of Naruto’s guardians, Ichigo Kurosaki, had met them in the lobby of the tower. The man wore no hitai-ate and didn’t hold himself like a shinobi, but there was no way he was an ordinary civilian. His unimpressed look hadn’t wavered an inch while Naruto introduced their new houseguests, as if two foreign missing-nin crashing on their couch were no big deal. Kurosaki had simply instructed Naruto to air out the guest bedding and dig out some spare clothes while the man himself went to buy extra food for dinner.
Naruto had led them all to a traditional-style house large enough to be a small mansion in the civilian district. The six shinobi rotated through the showers, cleaning off the dust of the road, and changing into fresh clothes for dinner. The Uzumaki household contained a stockpile of spare clothing in a near infinite number of styles, some of which were quite pretty while still being masculine to Haku’s obvious delight.
At the moment, Haku and Hatake’s brats are deep in debate over the pros and cons of natural dyes in disguises or possibly poisons. Zabuza is a bit too tense with the sudden change in circumstance to pay close attention to the chatter of genin. Hatake looks a bit shell-shocked himself. He’s clearly not used to decompressing post-mission in such a homey environment. Zabuza wonders how long he’s been captain of this team. Their coordination on the shore had been decent, but they hadn’t demonstrated a wide variety of skills.
The front door opens immediately followed by the voice of a man calling, “I’m home!”
“Welcome back!” yells Kurosaki from the kitchen. “Dinner’s almost ready!”
“Ryu-nii! I brought some friends home from my mission!” shouts Naruto.
There is a long pause from the front room followed by a confused, “Friends?”
The brat’s other guardian joins them. For a moment, Zabuza wonders if the rumors are wrong and not every adult member of the Uchiha was wiped out. But no, despite the fair features and dark hair, the eye color is wrong and the man wears glasses besides. No one with a dojutsu would dare be seen in glasses.
Unlike everyone else involved in the process, this guy actually seems surprised to see two foreign shinobi in his home. He looks them over with an assessing glance that would have made a Hunter-Nin proud.
“Introduce your guests, Naruto,” says the man. His tone is just a little too cool to be friendly, but he’s not outright hostile. It’s the most reasonable reaction Zabuza has seen from anyone in this household thus far.
“Uryu-nii-san, this is Zabuza Momochi and his apprentice Haku, they’re both really strong shinobi from Kiri. I invited them to stay here for a while. Haku, Zabuza, this is my cousin, Uryu Ishida. He’s a doctor and works at the hospital,” says Naruto.
Zabuza can’t stop his face from twitching at Naruto’s description of their acquaintance. It’s utterly true while entirely inaccurate. Hatake’s dismay is no less obvious, though his mask works almost as well as Zabuza’s currently-absent bandages at hiding his expression. The doctor frowns at both of them.
“I see,” he says. “You can tell us about it at dinner.”
Kurosaki dishes up a truly awesome mound of rice and a vat curry for them to eat. Zabuza wonders how he can expect them to eat all of it until Zabuza watches Naruto power through two plates before the rest of them can get through one. What’s even more surprising is that the kid doesn’t throw up or slow down. His teammates seem unbothered by his unusual appetite and Haku is too focused on eating real food that he didn’t have to cook to pay attention. Zabuza decides to focus on getting another plate before it’s all gone.
They are most of the way through what Zabuza considers a surprisingly delicious and filling meal when Ishida sets down his bowl and gestures at him and Haku.
“And how did this happen?” he asks.
In other circumstances, Zabuza would be offended. But he’s a guest in this home and honestly still confused himself. Someone else’s take on the matter may explain a lot.
“I’m afraid it’s mostly classified,” says Hatake. Zabuza scowls at the cop-out.
Naruto, finally able to tell his story, is not to be discouraged. “Don’t sweat it, Kakashi-sensei. I’ve got this. We used Method 3.”
That brings the eating to a halt. There’s a look of revelation on the faces of the brat’s team coupled with a look of shocked horror, possibly awe, on Hatake’s face, visible even through his mask. Kurosaki looks as confused as Zabuza and Haku. Only Ishida nods along, able to accept the information as intended.
“But we weren’t planning to use Method 3,” protests Sakura.
“Of course not,” says Ishida-sensei mildly. “In an uncontrolled environment like pitched battle, Method 3 is only identifiable at the end of the process.”
Hatake lowers his head into his hands and starts making very soft groaning noises. Kurosaki watches him as warily as Zabuza does, but the brat’s other guardian still doesn’t seem clued-in.
“But Naruto switched to Method 1 in the middle and threw off everyone’s timing,” says Sasuke.
“No, no. It’s still Method 3. Method 3 is way cooler than Method 1. And you can use more than one at once,” insists Naruto.
“Right after that we had to switch to Method 2 anyway,” adds Sakura.
Naruto nods. “And we kicked ass! Then I tried Method 1 again and it worked. So we used all of them. But especially Method 3.”
“Ah, well now it makes sense,” says Ishida-sensei.
“That makes sense?” asks Kurosaki-san dubiously.
“To summarize, they got into a fight, then Naruto asked Zabuza-san and Haku-san over for dinner, then they all fought someone else together, then Naruto asked everybody over for dinner again, and they agreed to come to Konoha,” explains Ishida-sensei.
Zabuza considers the events in Wave. If Ishida is interpreting correctly, then the kids have outlined a fairly accurate description of what happened without mentioning any potentially classified details.
Of course, their recounting isn’t nearly as exciting as hearing the blond brat scream: “You’re both too skinny! You need to come to my house for some real food!” as he blasted Haku out of his mirrors, straight across the bridge into Zabuza, and over the side railing, unintentionally saving them both from Hatake’s infamous Chidori. That Gatou and his hired goons had shown up while both sides were sorting themselves out in the confusion was a bad roll of the dice for the late businessman.
Afterward, Zabuza and Haku had no reason to stay in Wave and plenty of reasons to leave. Naruto seemed intent on offering them sanctuary, and with the angry citizens of Wave finally out for blood, Zabuza thought at least Haku would end up somewhere safe. Hatake had been in no position to protest the extra escort back to Konoha. Zabuza is still surprised the man had managed the trip without keeling over from chakra exhaustion.
“Method 3 can’t be a real thing,” mutters Hatake at an audible level.
“What is this method business?” demands Kurosaki striking at the root of the matter.
“Ichi-nii, they’re your methods for making friends,” says Naruto.
Kurosaki looks startled. “They’re my what?”
“Method 1: be nice. Food is a good place to start,” says Naruto.
“Method 2: fight together as a team,” adds Sasuke.
“Method 3: beat the friendship into them,” concludes Sakura.
Zabuza wonders if it’s too late to grab Haku and make a run for it. He glances at Haku, who looks distressingly dreamy-eyed by this list of friend-acquiring methods. Or maybe that’s the exhaustion? Then Zabuza looks at his plate and tries to calculate how much tea he actually managed to drink this afternoon. If there is something in the water, would boiling remove it or activate it?
Zabuza’s stomach reminds him that he’s been living on half-rations since before their contract with Gatou. Zabuza returns to his meal. If he’s already infected, then he might as well be well-fed. In good health, he may be strong enough to resist the insanity.
“Okay, most of those sound like reasonable ways to make new friends,” says Kursoaki slowly like he’s testing the waters or talking down a lunatic. “But why are they numbered? And why is beating friendship into people on the list all?”
“I codified them for ease of reference,” admits Ishida. He gestures accusingly at the other man. “And don’t be a hypocrite, Kurosaki. You’ve made friends with half the people who tried to kill you.”
“I have not!” protests Ichigo.
Ishida starts counting off on his fingers. “Renji—”
“That was a misunderstanding!” says Kurosaki.
“Byakuya—”
“He was being dick to his sister. It took him a few punches to make him realize!”
“Ganju—”
“Ganju could not beat me in a fight in a thousand years,” scoffs Kurosaki. “And anyway it turned out we were cousins! Which other cousin challenged me to a fight the first time we talked? Let me think. You!”
The weirdest part, Zabuza decides as he listens to the back-and-forth, is how quiet the brats are. Any excitement stirred up by talking about their mission has dissipated. They’re all leaning in intently without making a sound. Even the blond brat, who Zabuza didn’t realize could calm down, has gone completely still. Hatake’s going through the motions of grumbling complaints, but he’s so close to noiseless it’s obvious that he’s listening too.
Ishida ignores the accusation against him and continues, “Ikkaku—”
“We both have the character for one in our names,” says Kurosaki stubbornly like that means something.
“Zaraki—”
“You can’t blame that on me. He leaves people alive so he can fight them again! That is his thing. He’s famous for it! Infamous, even,” protests Kurosaki.
Ishida is unfazed. “But you could have killed him while he was down. And you didn’t. Grimmjow—”
“He’s fun to fight,” mutters Kurosaki, clearly lacking a better argument.
“Ulquiorra—”
“Now hold up. Ulquiorra stabbed me twice and turned to dust before our fight was over. That cannot possibly count,” Kurosaki argues.
Zabuza glances at the brats again. They’ve all gone white in their seats, but Sasuke has a deathgrip on Naruto’s shoulder and Sakura has laid a hand over the blond’s mouth. They’re not happy about what they’re hearing, but they want to keep listening. Hatake has given up on even the pretense of ignoring the conversation and pricked up his ears. Haku, who is normally attentive, looks like he is about to nod off into his half-finished plate of curry.
Zabuza hadn’t realized how much stress Haku was under or the toll it was taking until this moment. He reaches out an arm and carefully redirects his apprentice, so he’s leaning against Zabuza instead. Haku makes a quiet snuffling noise, barely perceptible over the arguing hosts, and dozes off without a word.
“You would’ve gotten there if he hadn’t dissolved,” says Ishida assuredly.
Zabuza doesn’t think he’s wrong given the list of names he’s already recited, which is disgustingly long in his opinion. Zabuza has own list of people who tried to kill who aren’t dead. Number one at the moment is Hatake Kakashi. Number two is probably Kisame. Number three is Mei. It’s vanishingly small. Admittedly, Kisame was his friend for a while, and he can’t kill Hatake for however long Zabuza and Haku are stuck in the village, and Mei is still his preferred candidate for Mizukage…
Zabuza stares at his empty plate in horror. He’s already infected. He had no idea it would kick in so fast. Should he risk another bowl of rice? Maybe a small one.
“Those were all extraordinary circumstances,” says Kurosaki. “It wasn’t like that the rest of the time.”
“What about all those yakuza you beat up as kid? The ones who kept talking to you when you joined the police?” presses Ishida.
It’s not Naruto who interrupts them at last but Sasuke, who makes an involuntary squeak. His teammates both glare at him, but the damage is done. Kurosaki and Ishida are pulled out of their shared reminiscence and quickly change the subject.
Kurosaki clears his throat. “Did anything else exciting happen?”
“Tazuna-san named his bridge after me. That was pretty cool,” says Naruto. “And I got to use the modified roman candle you gave me, Ichi-nii. That was awesome!”
Zabuza glances down at his sleepy apprentice. That explains what happened to Haku’s ice-mirrors. Zabuza wonders how Kurosaki had made a firework that could break through chakra-reinforced ice.
“I thought that was still a prototype,” says Ishida with narrowed eyes.
“I’ve been testing it. I knew it worked,” defends Kurosaki. “And it was his first trip outside the village. I thought if he got lost, it could double as a flare.”
Naruto howls at this insult to his navigational sense while his teammates laugh. Zabuza closes his eyes and tries not to groan. He and Haku were beaten by baby-genin. Absolutely no one can hear about this, ever.
Dinner starts to wind down. Naruto seems as energetic as ever, but Sasuke and Sakura are fading fast. Haku makes quiet snoozing noises into Zabuza’s shoulder. Hatake’s injuries should have him laid out too, but the jounin has a will to be reckoned with.
“Naruto, why don’t you and Sasuke walk Sakura-kun home?” suggests Kurosaki. “I think her parents would like to know she’s back.”
For all their lethargy, the genin are quick to gather up their plates and leave. Haku wakes up enough to say goodnight to Sakura and nods off again almost immediately. Zabuza is pretty sure he’ll have to carry his apprentice to bed and shifts him into a more comfortable position.
When the kids are gone, Zabuza looks at the men still sitting at the table and braces himself for the worst.
“What’s going on?” he asks.
“You’re staying with us,” says Kurosaki.
Ishida rolls his eyes but doesn’t say anything to contradict him.
“And we’re not going to be questioned?” presses Zabuza. Haku’s head is resting on Zabuza’s thigh, and the Mist nin carefully runs a hand through his apprentice’s hair.
Kurosaki and Ishida both glance at Hatake, who gives them all an incredibly false smile through his mask. Zabuza’s not sure he even saw the man take it off to eat. Though he had his head buried in his own bowl for most of the meal.
“As you know, now that Naruto is a genin, he is an adult in the eyes of the village, which means he is the head of the Uzumaki Clan,” explains Hatake for Zabuza’s benefit.
“According to Konoha’s charter,” he continues, “any clan head may invite and host any non-Leaf shinobi for up to a year before they have to join the village as a new member of the host clan or leave. It’s not a law that sees a lot of use these days since more shinobi are settled in villages, but it is still on the books. You and Haku are Naruto’s guests, potentially new clan members. The village doesn’t interrogate guests or clan members unless they are under suspicion of acting against Konoha.”
“That’s…” Zabuza trails off. He wants to say stupid, but he knows that’s wrong. Manipulating the laws of Hidden Village to one’s advantage is incredibly clever. Zabuza hadn’t expected cleverness from the loud-mouthed brat, and he doesn’t know what Naruto’s motivations even are. There had been no talk of Zabuza or Haku joining Konoha or the Uzumaki clan. The boy had just offered to bring them to his home, give them a meal, and keep them safe and demanded nothing in return. Kindness and generosity aren’t words that Zabuza associates with shinobi, but they’re the only ones coming to mind now. “Why?”
“You’ll have to ask Naruto,” says Hatake while Kurosaki says, “Why not?”
Ishida rolls his eyes again but still doesn’t say a word of protest.
“You can’t really want us here,” insists Zabuza not sure which one he’s addressing. He had thought the doctor was the rational one but now he’s not so sure. Maybe everyone in Konoha really is insane. “What if we attack you in the middle of the night?”
Kurosaki and Ishida both look extremely skeptical at this suggestion, and Zabuza can’t exactly fault them for it. Haku is down for the count. Zabuza himself still aches from their explosive battle in Wave. Even if they had the energy to attack, which they don’t, then they don’t have any place to go. They’re not prisoners, they’re guests. It’s been a long time since anyone invited Zabuza to their home.
“We were trying to kill your kids not that long ago,” says Zabuza. And at this point he can’t understand why he’s still protesting. It’s not like that argument will work on these people, not after that list of enemies-to-friends that Ishida rattled off.
Kurosaki scowls at the reminder, but Ishida smirks and says, “Oh? And how did your fight against three genin work out for you?”
Zabuza winces. The genin were the only ones not seriously injured in their confrontation. True, Zabuza and Hatake had done the most damage to each other, but that won’t help his reputation if word gets out.
Zabuza gives in at last. Mindful that these people will be housing both him and Haku, he tries to be polite. “Thank you for having us. We’ll try to behave.”
“You’re Naruto’s guest,” repeats Kurosaki despite the scowl. “And I understand that the Hokage has ordered Kakashi-sensei to stay with as additional protection.” He eyes the jounin instructor dubiously. “I’m sure by the time you’ve recovered, Kakashi-sensei will have as well.”
Zabuza thinks Kurosaki may be overestimating Hatake’s powers of recovery. Chakra exhaustion isn’t something people can bounce back from overnight. But Kurosaki and Ishida are both civilians, maybe they don’t know that? It doesn’t really matter. There’s no incentive to attack Naruto or his family and every reason not to. It’s just embarrassing for the Demon of Hidden Mist not to be seen as a threat.
“We’re also under constant surveillance by ANBU, so even if you tried something, you wouldn’t be able to kill us all in our sleep,” adds Ishida as a too casual afterthought.
“What?” demands Zabuza, sharply enough to garner protest from Haku. “Why?”
He glances at Hatake, but the other shinobi at the table looks away, a sign of guilt if there ever was one. What was going on at this house that ANBU watched it constantly?
Kurosaki grins, sharp and hard, more threat than smile. “Stick around and find out.”
Zabuza bares his teeth right back. “I guess I will.”