Chapter Text
The breeze was soft; the sun high but not too hot; fluffy clouds dotted the sky; cheerful birds chirped. Regardless, Shen Qingqiu resented the whole trip. Why did he have to go to boring intersect negotiations?? He had contributed nothing, mostly nodding sagely behind his fan while Shang Qinghua provided various details on trade goods and Qi Qingqi bargained like a housewife at market. Not that she was a housewife—he shuddered at imagining her face were someone to call her a housewife—he didn’t want to die! If it had at least been about trading for herbs, or monster parts—then he could have been useful! Or at least interested! Maybe! But no, boring foodstuffs and metals and ore for forging, blah blah blah it had been a black hole of boredom.
At least no one had tried to fight Luo Binghe. As if he could tell that Shen Qingqiu was thinking of him, Luo Binghe snuggled his nose more deeply into Shen Qingqiu’s shoulder, his toes butting up against Shen Qingqiu’s heels on Xiu Ya, his hips tucked in close in to Shen Qingqiu’s backside.
“Shizun, don’t leave me!” he had begged, slouching aggressively so that he could look up at Shen Qingqiu through his eyelashes, fat tears welling up. “Even an hour without Shizun is torture!” The tears fell. What a sticky disciple! But impossible to refuse. And after Luo Binghe completely failed at disguising his smug reaction with pious gratitude, his eyes had lit up with avarice when it was decided they would go by sword—he loved every excuse to shove dog food in everyone’s faces. A terror!
To be fair, he had kept Shen Qingqiu’s toes warm in the unexpectedly drafty bedroom of the guest quarters of whichever-sect-it was. And he had snuck into the kitchens, per usual, and bullied the cooks, preparing his extra-special meals for his Shizun. There certainly hadn’t been anything else for him to do at the meeting! As was often the case, all the righteous cultivators let their eyes skip over the Demon Lord in their midst. They certainly refused to see him carrying trays in the halls, fragrant steam in his wake, for every meal!
So no, no one had tried to fight his silly husband. Though on balance, the greatest risk to the peace between cultivator society and the demon kingdom was flying just to his right—his irascible shidi Liu Qingge.
If it was useless to send Shen Qingqiu to these negotiations, it was far worse to have sent Liu Qingge. What was Yue Qingyan thinking?? He only showed up to the first session, where he ignored all the discussion to glare daggers at Luo Binghe, who ignored him in favor of gazing at Shen Qingqiu softly, adding a happy little sigh every now and then. After the first recess, he hadn’t come back; not for the rest of the first day, nor the second or third. Given the tear in his sleeve and the dirt on his robe’s right hip, it was likely he had gone to spar, or hunt a monster. At least he rejoined their group for the closing ceremonies! Shidi, your appetite for action is too strong, too restless!
Shen Qingqiu looked forward to having nothing set on his schedule for at least a tenday—nothing that he himself didn’t choose, nothing that required anyone to visit his peak and disturb his rhythms. Just a few hours more on their swords, and back to real life. Well, PIDW real life. Which was real life now, he supposed.
He was lost in contemplation of Binghe’s planned dinner (he had grumbled about not finding an adequate piece of pork shoulder in their hosts kitchen) when Liu Qingge suddenly darted forward a few meters, body tensing, an intent look on his face as he stared down into the forest off to the right of their trajectory.
“Shidi, what is it?”
Luo Binghe perked up behind him, coming up out of his lazy slump. “Liu shishu, do you see something?”
“There!” Liu Qingge pointed, stabbing his fingers into the air. “There, I see it! I’m going after it!” Liu Qingge’s knees bent and then man and sword dropped into a steep dive.
“Going after what?! Liu shidi??” But it was too late, the terrier had seen a squirrel, it was only his nature! Qi Qingqi and Shang Qinghua had turned their heads to follow his dive into the trees, and then in unison—rare for those two!—they turned to look back at Shen Qingqiu and Luo Binghe, expectantly.
“What are you looking at us for??” Qi Qingqi’s eyes tracked over to where Liu Qingge had disappeared, and then placidly back to Shen Qingqiu. She raised an eyebrow.
“Ah, fine, we’ll… find him. You two go on ahead.”
Qi Qingqi inclined her head and turned away easily, the matter clearly already forgotten. Shang Qinghua had the courtesy to make a little “what can you do?” face, shrug, and then he, too, turned away—though less elegantly and a bit more quickly than Qi Qingqi. Hoping to get away with dumping this problem on Shen Qingqiu and Luo Binghe! Lazy author!
Shen Qingqiu sighed as he watched their two figures getting smaller and smaller in the distance.
“Why is Liu shishu suddenly shizun’s problem?” He ought to scold Luo Binghe for how disrespectful his tone was, but it was hard to do so when Shen Qingqiu had been thinking the same thing. Although it didn’t seem to be sudden. The other peak lords had been foisting the inevitable problems that resulted from his shidi’s attack first, ask questions never attitude onto Shen Qingqiu for years. A deep sigh pushed Shen Qingqiu’s shoulders back into Luo Binghe’s chest. He turned his head to catch his husband’s eye.
“Not just my problem, Binghe—yours, too. Did you see where he went?”
“All of Shizun’s problems are mine,” Luo Binghe murmured, smugly, tucking his chin over Shen Qingqiu’s right shoulder again, sneaking a kiss to the angle of his jaw. “There,” he pointed. Shen Qingqiu sighed again and began descending.
Thankfully, once they entered the forest, it was easy to see where Liu Qingge had been. The branches were all bent and broken, a shrub here or there uprooted or half-divested of its leaves. War god, yes; stealthy, no. They dismounted Xiu Ya to follow on foot.
It wasn’t long at all until they could hear signs of destruction as well. A crash, another series of sounds of trees being rent lab from limb, an unearthly hiss, and then… ominous silence. Shen Qingqiu exchanged a look with Luo Binghe and they picked up their pace.
The small clearing where Liu Qingge had caught up with his prey was still. At first, Shen Qingqiu couldn’t see him at all. Though this was mostly due to the ox-sized creature staring them down from the opposite side of the clearing, and how unbelievably hideous it was.
Its mouth was open wide, showing a disgusting set of sharp and day-glow orange teeth. Its ears were lime green, its rat-like tail a horrible puce, its bony toes and claws neon blue. And its great lumpy, furry body an appalling, eye searing fluorescent pink. It smelled of carrion and of… Davidoff Cool Water? What WAS this creature? By comparison, the still, prone body in front of it in silver and blue was easy to miss.
The creature hissed again, its beady eyes shining red. The movement called attention to its foul maw again, which was stained with red blood, matching the wound on Liu Qingge’s leg. Luo Binghe evidently noticed it before Shen Qingqiu did, because as Shen Qingqiu registered his shidi’s body and the blood on the monster’s teeth, Luo Binghe was leaping forward to engage it.
Shen Qingqiu had great confidence in his demonic husband’s powers, and allowed himself to pause in his own reflexive leap forward to tug on a strand of memory. The creature looked like a super-sized opossum that had stepped off of a Miami Vice set. What was its name? And what poison was affecting Liu Qingge so quickly and strongly?
The sound of Xin Mo being unsheathed made him look up—Binghe was edging closer to the monster, which was…. slowly scuttling backward? Hissing? As though to disengage? Luo Binghe carefully stepped past Liu Qingge’s still body and, having gained that defensive position, leapt forward again, sword upraised. Of course, at this very moment, Shen Qingqiu recalled the contorted and overwrought plot built on this monster—the Heavenly Fluorescent Whiptail Marsupial! Which wasn’t even a demon, but a minor and very strange forest god! Stop, protagonist, you’ve got it wrong!!!!
“Binghe!” He was able to shout, before the pair met in battle. Despite its bulk, the Marsupial dodged Xin Mo easily, and fast as lightening, nipped Binghe neatly in his off-hand’s forearm. Luo Binghe didn’t even have the chance to make a startled sound before he, too, dropped limply to the ground.
Shen Qingqiu picked up his robes a little and hustled to his limp husband’s side, falling to his knees respectfully, but waiting until he was sure Luo Binghe was breathing easily, slowly, fully, before turning back to face the Marsupial with his whole body. His husband was safe, alive, breathing. He looked over to Liu Qingge as well, and saw the same slow, graceful expansion and contraction, and let out his own deep breath.
“Please forgive my disciple and shidi, honored Whiptail Marsupial,” he called out. “Their ignorance must fall to my poor teaching. I apologize most sincerely for their unwarranted attacks on your heavenly person!”
The Marsupial’s narrow jaws finally closed as met his eyes with a bright carmine stare. Shen Qingqiu kept his hands loose and still, in full view. He held its intimidating gaze, holding his conviction that his companions were good, honorable men who had made a mistake firmly in his mind. After several moments, wherein Shen Qingqiu tried to slow his breath and keep very calm, the Marsupial blinked once and nodded its great pink head. Then it tipped up its jaw to look up into the branches of the tree it was backed up against, and chittered once.
One by one, variably hideously brightly colored tiny versions of the Marsupial hesitantly clawed their way down the trunk to trundle onto… their mother’s back! Oh, a mother! No wonder it had bitten so quickly. Shen Qingqiu hung his head, showing his shame freely. His unmannerly, rash shidi! And then his surprisingly proactive, rash husband! If only he had lingered by Shen Qingqiu a moment longer..
He could feel the weight of the forest god’s gaze on him, and despite himself he looked up to get another glimpse of the babies. He’d never seen them before, let alone a full-grown Whiptail Marsupial! They all smelled disgusting, and were sort of hard to look at, what with the weirdly skinny snouts, beady eyes, and rat-tails, but it was still very cute how they all settled in to cling to their mothers’ back, like big knots in a very ugly handmade carpet.
Mama Marsupial turned her attention to first Luo Binghe’s body, which had slid down onto his right side, his arm outstretched with Xin Mo fallen out of his open palm, and Shen Qingqiu’s gaze followed. He startled when he saw that Luo Binghe’s eyes were open, an expression of fear and worry in them. His mouth hung slack, however, until Mama M made a chiding clicking sound. Suddenly, the protagonist’s pink, pillowy lips began moving, and his facial features moved from slack paralysis to fervent anxiety.
“Shizun!! Are you ok???” He immediately called. But not even his neck moved, otherwise.
Shen Qingqiu rearranged his robes across his knees, shooting a look up at the giant sort-of mammal, concerned that she had only liberated Luo Binghe’s mouth from her poison.
“I'm fine, Binghe. But how could you act so rashly?? The Heavenly Marsupial meant us no harm. Do you know how many Black-Legged Spiral Awl Ticks it eats in one day? They are a blight on mankind, and the marsupial a blessing for controlling their population. Apologize!”
“My most humble apologies, Mistress Heavenly Marsupial,” Binghe intoned, rolling his eyes upwards to attempt to see the creature in question. “My hasty actions were in error. Please forgive this lowly ignorant demon.”
Mama Marsupial made a snorting noise, but Binghe remained sprawled on the ground last as he had been. She rolled her head further to glare at Liu Qingge. When Shen Qingqiu turned to him as well, he saw that Liu Qingge’s eyes were also open and furious, with a clod of earth and grass stuck in his wide-open mouth. She made the same clicking sound as before, and Liu Qingge spat out the dirt immediately, spitting again several times to clear his mouth. Then his pink, pillowy lips pursed up in an unpleasant, lemon-biting expression.
“Liu Qingge! Apologize!” Shen Qingqiu hissed. Wasn’t it obvious he had to?? What was this hasty man waiting for!
“I apologize most sincerely,” Liu Qingge said, shortly, but… well, sincerely. It was as good as it was going to get! Shen Qingqiu darted another look at Madam Marsupial, and caught her… sort of? Rolling her eyes? Though it was hard to tell? They were so beady? Shen Qingqiu jumped and widened his own eyes out of the squint they had fallen into trying to make out her expression when she turned to stare right at him.
Shen Qingqiu wasn’t sure how she did it, but somehow with only her stare and an exasperated huff, she communicated to him that she was done with his foolish compatriots and he now was responsible for them. She turned away and her giant fuchsia haunches followed. One of the babies squeaked at them from her back as the whole group fell under the shadow of the trees.
Not ideal, not ideal! Shen Qingqiu had hoped his efforts and their apologies would lead Mother Possum to take pity on them and reverse her poisonous saliva’s curse! He stared at his two floppy companions unhappily. They stared back, also unhappily, but somewhat meekly. They knew he knew his creature lore, and that he was their best chance of curing them.
Shen Qingqiu cursed inside his mind; he did know, he was their best chance, and he very much did not like it, because of course, the cure was papapa, and worse, papapa with very specific rules.
Damn that pandering author! Shen Qingqiu recalled that the Special Valentine’s Chapter where the Heavenly Possum starred was in response to a wave of criticism from Airplane’s female fans (and, he admitted, himself) that the last thirty wives Binghe had taken had not had even a lick of romance or honest communication attempted before the down and dirty. It was getting stale, ok!? A reward for a beast slain, or a prize after an army defeated, or… sometimes literally falling from the sky into his lap! Could Binghe marry a wife for once because he really liked her?!
But to be honest, the chapter had been stilted and boring. He had written a lengthly critique. Why would you waste truth-compelling poisons on weak dialogue like “I want you!” And “I want you back!” And of course “Oh, it’s so big!” Of course it was big!! Tell us something new, wife of the week!!
Binghe’s mouth meanwhile had pursed into a pouty moue, his lower lip trembling. “Shizun!” He called. “I’m uncomfortable! There’s a stick under me! Help this poor disciple!”
“Quit your complaining, brat!” Liu Qingge snarled, and then spat again when he accidentally ate some more dirt clods, and then kept spitting, but thankfully not any more words.
How did it feel like it was really Shen Qingqiu Mama M was punishing him and not his sword-happy shidi and his overprotective husband?!