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Day 1
Magnus didn't look out of the window the moment the plane landed, so the blue sky over the tarmac was blindingly clear to him. A friendly middle-aged man Peter had arranged to pick him up offered to take his bag, which he couldn't refuse because he was too tired from the long flight.
Opening the door of the black SUV they had rented for the shuttle, he slammed himself into the leather seat in the back. The middle-aged man got into the driver's seat and thoughtfully cut off the loud Spanish radio station, and the car immediately fell silent.
He didn't bother to dig out the headphones he had stuffed in his backpack and put them on, just enjoying the silence in the car. The scenery outside the window flew by, the gray-green bushes and the still-blinding sunlight.
And then he found himself holding his right wrist unconsciously with his left hand, as if something was missing there. Did I wear a watch on the plane? Magnus pondered in confusion, looking at the mirage on the sunlit road in front of him, as if there was a shifting pool of water flooding his vision.
The water, the sea, as if he was still on a boat. Then it occurred to him that what he had been looking for on his wrist was actually an anti motion sickness bracelet. He had become accustomed to holding Anish’s hand when they were still on the private cruise, and he could gently hook his fingers around the bracelet, as if by doing so Anish would not drift away from him.
But he is not with him now. The car continued to move forward, and the distance between them was only growing farther and farther.
Day 13
“Check his games in the Candidates Tournament. It's unlikely he'll repeat those openings…” Laurent chattered beside him, urging him to open the folder on his computer labeled "2021/Old Games''. Magnus nodded absentmindedly, moved his mouse, and with a couple of clicks opened a game from the candidates' tournament. Then the title of the game caught his eye.
{Anish Giri vs. Ian Nepomniachtchi, 0-1}
He reflexively closes the window and almost sheepishly looks up at Laurent. He was still preoccupied with his speech, apparently completely oblivious to what had just happened on the screen. Magnus suddenly felt reassured, mixed with a sense of what the hell was I doing just now , and that feeling caused him to lose focus on the rest of the discussion.
Day 26
The atmosphere at the beachside bar was getting hotter as the night wore on, and several female dancers on the stage were dancing sensuously to rhythmic Latin music.
Tonight was the “relaxation night” on the team's schedule. Jorden and Daniil are long gone, and Jan is sipping a cocktail and talking in German to a young man who also looks German. Magnus sits on a chair at the corner of the bar, absentmindedly scanning the crowd.
Don't think about it. He told himself, taking another sip of the whiskey in his hand and feeling the hot, spicy ache at the base of his throat. Tonight was a night to relax, to forget everything and let his mind rest.
Petroff Defense; Ruy Lopez; English Opening, Four Knights, Kingside Fianchetto. Anish left his own table during the game and sauntered over to his table, evaluating the positions on the board through his glasses. The look in his eyes was one of recognition, one of doubt, one of admiration, one of...
One of the sexy female dancers came off the stage, approached him, and asked him in English with a Spanish accent. “Sir, I noticed you when I was performing on stage...you look like you have something on your mind?”
Don’t think about it.
“I do. But maybe you can make me forget about it.” Magnus put down the whiskey in his hand and put his arms around her waist, and enjoyed the way she obediently moved closer.
Day 37
Magnus wondered if he should bring a jar of Advil just in case, as he approached the bathroom. His house in Oslo, which he hadn't lived in for some time, smelled suspiciously of dust and a trace of Anish’s cologne. Even though he believed it was probably just an illusion, he couldn't bear to turn on the air purifier.
I'm just trying to save energy. He told himself, crouching down to look in the bottom cabinet for unopened jars of pills. Suffering from sudden pain in Dubai was never going to be good for the competition. He withdrew his hand, which had been searching for the jar but in vain, and as soon as he took his eyes off the inside of the cabinet, he saw a toothbrush lying on the floor.
A blue toothbrush. He remembers Anish standing in the bathroom, right next to where he is now, unwrapping the new toothbrush. You can share a toothbrush with me , Magnus said to him jokingly, while grabbed an extra cup for him to brush his teeth with -
He held the toothbrush in his hand, stood up, and put it in the extra cup on the sink, leaving it there. He couldn't even explain to himself why he did that.
Day 54
He was really, really tired, but he was also very excited. A win is a win, and it feels even sweeter to have worked so hard to get it. There was another game in the afternoon, the clock was pointing to 3:30, there were hardly any buildings with lights on outside the window, and the whole glorious city was in a deep sleep.
I should try to go to sleep too. Magnus thought, as he turned off his phone, which was already full of congratulatory messages, of which he had read only a few of the most important ones. There shouldn't be any big surprises in this afternoon’s game, because he was sure that Ian was just as tired as he was, but definitely not as excited.
Then Magnus suddenly thought of Anish . The clock was now ticking past midnight for him in the Netherlands. He didn’t do commentary for today's game, didn’t send any private message to congratulate or mock his victory either, and Magnus didn't know why. Probably because he was preparing for his own matches, he guessed.
But he was very sure that Anish was definitely keeping an eye on what was going on, perhaps more seriously than he was paying attention to his own preparations. He really enjoys the thought of being the center of his attention. As he turned off the bedside lamp, Magnus admitted to himself that he probably enjoyed it as much as he enjoyed the victory itself.
Day 61
"Congratulations on your smooth victory!" The man who had just won his fifth world champion titles was rightfully the center of attention at the crowded celebration reception. The former women's world chess champion, Judit Polgár, stood next to him with a glass of golden champagne in her hand and said.
Magnus returned the gesture with a glass of champagne in his own hand, responding with the usual words of thanks. The crowd rushed to congratulate him; frankly, too much flattery had become numb. The congratulations from the chess world made him feel happier than the compliments from outsiders.
“I was commentating with Anish on the match... It's an honor to witness you achieve such a great achievement.” She smiled with genuine happiness for him, and then Magnus’ question came out of his mouth without even thinking about it. “What did he think of the championship?”
“Well, he felt Ian wasted his potential, he knew he could have done better if the pressure didn’t catch up to him.” She finished her short, nonchalant answer to this nonsensical question and then asked, “Do I have the honor of taking a picture with our world champion?”
He said yes. After the photo was taken, he walked alone to the beverage bar and changed the champagne in his hand to whiskey. If the world champion decided that his way to celebrate was to get drunk, then no one is entitled to comment.
Day 68
He really dislikes this brand of beer, and the aftertaste in his mouth when he wakes up from a hangover makes him feel sick. He reached out with one hand for the electronic clock on the nightstand. The numbers on the clock were blurred in his eyes by a severe headache, and he could only guess from the sunlight leaking into the room through the cracks in the curtains that it was probably past noon.
He rolled out of bed with the intention of going to the bathroom to find the jar of Advil he had brought back from Dubai or to wash his face to clear his head, but as his foot touched the ground, he stepped on an empty beer can. Magnus frowned and picked up the can, examining the brand logo on it. What's wrong with my brain that I decided to buy this brand of beer to drink?
He remembers that last night, when he took a bunch of beers out of the fridge in order to start drinking them on the Titled Arena stream later, his friend shouted in disgust at the sight of them. Is your taste inversely proportional to your chess ability? They asked jokingly, and he just glossed over it.
Then those memories from even longer ago suddenly came to mind. He and Anish went to a supermarket he frequented after that day's games were over. He said he needed to buy some supplies, so he went up to the second floor and asked Anish to pick up a few cans of beer for him, and Anish nodded yes. They were like a couple who had been together for a long time, and Magnus was so enamored of that sweet illusion even if it only lasted for a moment.
He knew Anish didn't drink, but he couldn't help but laugh when he managed to pick the worst one out of a whole bunch of brands for him. Magnus told him with amusement that it was the only brand he hated, and then Anish replied with a teasing smile, “But I want to taste this kind of beer on your lips.” Magnus could never say no to those kinds of words Anish was saying.
Apparently last night he picked a beer that reminded himself of Anish and tried to forget him for a while by drinking it. What a stupid thing to do. Magnus started to feel like throwing up, rushed into the bathroom, clutching the empty can in his hand and pressing his forehead against the cold mirror. He wished so badly that he could just vomit up these memories and illusions, flush them down the drain. But it was impossible. Impossible .
Day 79
Lost. Position on the board was dead lost. Magnus slightly tilted his head, pressed the stop button on the clock, and extended his hand towards the person opposite him. They shook hands, touched briefly in vain and parted quickly. The sound of the shutter being pressed came from the many cameras around them, and their hands mechanically began to pile up the pieces they had casually placed next to the board during the game, onto the board.
Black's pieces are haphazardly returned to their places, leaving only the kings of both sides on the black squares to represent black's victory. Losing a game is always painful, and the chances of winning the blitz championships are looking increasingly slim. Magnus’ hand lined up white's pieces, his heart still beating wildly from the adrenaline of the previous endgame moment, and his mind cold with harsh pain. He was defeated.
The winner of this game, Anish Giri, was already on his feet and ready to leave. They hadn't spoken a word since they both arrived in Warsaw. There was no chance of a coincidental encounter, and Magnus did not want to initiate a conversation with him. But Anish, and the memories of him, still stubbornly occupied a small corner of his mind, even though the two of them were now in a city very far away from Oslo, in a month very far away from October.
Then Magnus saw clearly, Anish blinked at the camera. His expression was filled with a smug sense of triumph, his eyes shining and clear. Then he turned around and walked away with the victory, as if he had no time to spare.
How long had it been since the last time he kissed him? This question suddenly entered his mind, and Magnus realized that, for a moment, he wanted to get up and kiss him so badly. Not caring about the dozens of cameras aiming at them, the live broadcast of multiple media. He wanted to kiss Anish, to make him powerless to resist, to make him close those shiny eyes and indulge himself in the kiss between them.
Maybe he lost more than just a blitz game between them. If I had really stopped him and kissed him. Wouldn't I have won a bigger prize than this blitz champion title? Magnus stopped himself from thinking any further and stood up to leave. Anish had already disappeared outside the exit door of the playing venue. But his figure, his wink, was still lingering in his vision, burned into his mind.
Day 85
He looked back, as if he could see Anish half leaning on the sofa in his house, looking at him with a smirking smile on his face. He opened his phone's typing box and Anish’s name was firmly embedded in the auto-correction of all the words beginning with "A". He went out for a run, passed the street where they had strolled together last October, and turned left at the intersection where they had held hands.
Magnus likes the confused look on Anish’s face because he can't read the road signs that say Norwegian on the side of the road. He liked walking across the street before him, standing across the crosswalk and looking at him, watching his eyes desperately search for him in the vast crowds of a foreign Scandinavian country, like a traveler through time and space, looking for a safe planet to land on.
He stopped running and opened his water bottle to take a sip of water, tired and feeling futile. After a long run through the familiar Oslo downtown, he finally made his way back to his house, knowing that when he opened the door, the living room sofa would be empty. He could not run away from this fact; every building in this city, every street corner.
Everywhere
in this city is filled with his mind's imaginary silhouette of him.
Day 96
Magnus put the tray full of breakfast on the table in his room and opened the folder on the laptop next to him. Reaching his goal of 2,900 rating is no joke, and whenever he's determined to achieve something, he gives it his all. The annual Tata Steel Chess tournament is always the traditional way to start a new chess year. And since his performance last year in this event was questionable, this year he is determined to perform his best.
Today's opponent is Anish Giri, and Magnus is going to face him with white pieces. He remembered that blink again, and with a renewed desire to win, he clicked on the folder of the Catalan opening. Then it occurred to him that he hadn't eaten the breakfast he brought at all, so he grabbed a plastic fork and forked a cauliflower from the plate next to him.
It was salty. He frowned and swallowed the cauliflower in his mouth, feeling the strong salty taste spread in his mouth. “How can there be such a salty salad?” Magnus couldn't help but voice his complaint out loud, and then suddenly froze. I had heard the exact same sentence before.
Anish always woke up before him in the morning. On his first day staying at his house, he searched the house fridge for something to eat for breakfast and found only a very salty bowl of cauliflower salad. Magnus still remembers the first thing he heard when he woke up was Anish saying, “How could there be such a salty salad? Is this the secret to becoming a world champion?”
Anish’s face was scrunched up with the salty feeling, standing in front of his bed with a bowl of salad in his hand and Magnus’ indoor slippers on his feet. Magnus likes the way Anish looks as the first thing he sees when he opens his eyes. “I'll take you to the supermarket and let you fill up that fridge.” He promised sleepily, then pulled him down into a kiss. The bowl Anish was holding was casually placed somewhere where no one cared.
The bowl in Magnus’ hand was casually placed somewhere he didn't care. His appetite had disappeared completely at some point after he remembered those things.
Focusing on the matter at hand.
He reminded himself almost sternly, forcing himself to ignore the salty taste in his mouth and focus again on the engine line in front of him.
Beating him is the most important thing in front of you.
Day 110
Win. Another win in his pocket. The award ceremony had been over for a while, and with the familiar-looking Tata Steel trophy in his hand, Magnus was ready to leave the hall and walk back to his hotel room. He had to leave for the airport tomorrow afternoon, and going back to the hotel to rest early seems like a good idea.
The cold January air of the Dutch coastal town surrounded him as he stepped out of the building's entrance. A few street lights were still on, illuminating the only path that led back to the hotel. Standing in front of the path were several chess players participating in the tournament - Fabiano Caruana and Jan-Krzysztof Duda, and Anish Giri standing between the two of them facing each other, hands in the pockets of his black jacket.
They looked like they were having a good time, so Magnus decided not to interrupt their conversation and went around the side. As he was about to walk past, Duda happened to turn his head and noticed him and greeted him politely, “Hi, Magnus.”
“Hi.” Magnus replied a little stiffly and had to stop in his tracks. “Congratulations on your win.” Duda looked at him and smiled slightly, while he muttered thank you in response. Then, an awkward silence fell between the four of them. His eyes shifted to meet Anish’s, and he saw the outline of an oversized white hoodie peeking out from under his jacket.
Magnus recognized the shirt, which was actually originally from his closet. He remembered that he turned out of bed to find clothes for Anish, but in the end he only let him put on this hoodie from his closet, the hem of the hoodie could not hide the long, thin legs, elegantly stepped on the carpet of his house.
It was such a wonderful view for him to enjoy alone. He suddenly put the idea in his head out loud. “I've seen you wearing the exact same hoodie.”
Since at first glance, Anish was wearing a plain black jacket, this statement seemed very odd. Magnus suddenly realized his slip of the tongue and panicked for a moment, then he heard Fabiano answer the sentence, as if nothing had happened. “Well, I've seen him in this hoodie, too.”
What? Magnus’ mind went into a flurry of confusion. What did Fabi mean by that? Before he could say anything else, Fabiano and Anish turned around and walked back down the path to the hotel as if they had a tacit agreement that the conversation was over. Duda seemed to be confused about the implied meaning of the conversation, but also gave him an awkward, small smile and followed their steps.
During the whole conversation, Anish stood there, hiding his hoodie under his down jacket, but didn't say a word to Magnus, turned around and left. What does that mean? Magnus had won the tournament, but was left standing there with his mind whirling with thoughts. What does it mean now, between them?
Day 123
Magnus picked up the blue toothbrush that was in the bathroom, and when he saw it, he remembered Anish again. He hadn’t thought about him for a long while. Life was a blur of continuous days, a new online chess season was about to begin, and Magnus was always good at not pursuing questions he couldn't find answers to, like not questioning the moves of a game between two chess engines.
What does it mean now, between them? He became good at forgetting and ignoring, making it a habit not to think. Because only in this way, he can numbly live without him. The Oslo cityscape outside the bathroom's floor-to-ceiling windows was shrouded in night, and light pollution made Magnus unable to see the stars even if he kept his eyes wide open.
He seemed to be able to look through the window and see Anish standing on the deck of the cruise, his hair blown by the wind, his neck bearing a few of the hickeys he had left behind. The starry sky stretched out endlessly above the ocean behind him, but he was more dazzling than the stars in his eyes. At that time, only the two of them were outside the cabin, and it was the last time they talked to each other so far. What did Anish say to him?
Magnus found himself unable to remember. He really started to gradually begin to excel at forgetting. Maybe their relationship had never been defined by anything more than a white hoodie, or maybe it had been nothing between them at all.
Just don’t think about it, anymore. The blue toothbrush was tossed in the trash, and Magnus reached out and picked up the extra cup from the sink and put it back in its original cabinet.
Day 130
They were both wearing nothing. Anish was lying on Magnus’ body, his arm around his waist, his head on his chest. Magnus could feel the slight exhalation of Anish’s breath as he spoke. “I left all my bags at the hotel and came here. Now I don't even have a toothbrush or any clothes I can change into. I may have been a bit stupid.”
“Maybe a little.” Magnus agreed, pulling the quilt that had just been tossed aside and wrapping it around the two of them as if they were wrapped up in a little, safe universe just for them. But it's okay, I like the way you look a little dumb. I like the way you occasionally go out of your way to be an idiot, just for me.
Magnus didn't say the next sentence he wanted to say at that time. They never say love, or something similar to love, to each other. Now they are so far apart that he no longer remembered the warmth of Anish’s hand, or anything he had ever said to him in this city, including like, dislike, or love.
He turned on the video camera as the first round of the Airthings Masters Prelims was about to begin. Through the small other player’s camera on the side, he could see Anish’s figure, wearing the black headphones he always wore, staring intently at the screen. He is not wearing the white hoodie. As the signal is not very good, his image shakes intermittently.
I may really be a bit stupid. From the beginning to the end, I was the only one who cared and couldn't let go. He is now alone in Oslo. In the corners of the city, Magnus could no longer see his imagination of Anish’s silhouette. Everything that had happened between them was already too distant and became meaningless. Now, there is no going back.
He could finally accept the fact, and actually stop thinking about him, leaving him as a cold image on the screen in his mind. The distance between them would only be growing farther and farther, and he knew it from the moment he landed in Spain. So, What does it mean now, between them?
Magnus closed his eyes, did some quick calculations, and found his final answer to the question. Nothing. They were already 130 days from Oslo.