Work Text:
A while after it sunk in that he was gone, I never truly got over him. My days had become duller; less colorful, less saturated. Moments sink and mix into each other that don't have him in them, and I always picture 'what it would be like in this specific moment if he was here.' People told me that I would be fine because I was just infatuated with him. But, when I found out I spiraled. When I found out how he left, I went blind for a second. When he took his own life.
He could've discarded me like a scrapped essay and I'd still love him. When his ocean, blue-green eyes met my steel-colored ones, I had realized at that moment, that I was his curse. To had stained his hands with the regrets of my choices, but I would've given up anything. I would throw a lasso around the moon for him-give him the sun. Though, he was my sun; his tanned angel-kissed skin, and those oh-so brilliant eyes. No- I wouldn't just offer him the moon, for all of that, I would offer the universe in its ever-lasting glory.
He plagues the walls of my home. A lot of people can't wait to go home. But, my home was ever silent; ever still. Buried away with the memories of moments, and the consequences -good and bad- of past actions. My home, which once smelt of the ocean breeze, now smelled like soil, sometimes more potent on rainy days. My home is no longer here. So, after every long day, I never go home; I just sleep where I reside.
When Eren and I would face each other, the universe seemed to slow down in its tracks. The ticking of the old wall clock was two seconds longer apart, and I had always felt hypnotized. I would've let him drag me into his own hell. I would've let him search me piece by piece until he got what he wanted out of me. It was almost as if I had succumbed to the thought of being his own project. Sure, he wasn't my creator, but he was the one to destroy me.
Nobody ever allowed me to properly mourn, so Eren haunted my dreams. As soon as his funeral was over, I was immediately sent back to work. I followed my robotic routine and got my money. Less money is spent because he isn't here to ask for the cheesecake he would be craving or to buy extra coffee. Without him, I've lost myself. And there is no denying it, he was my definition. The contour of all that shapes my soul.
I miss him deeply, and when he would touch me I would no longer be clad in gray. But now that he's been gone for a whole year, I'll push myself to be ready to move forward. Because in the end, until the stars burn out, that is what he'd want for me.
I wish I wasn't so lost with myself. I just drift around like an aimless soul without him here to help guide me; nothing left for judgement. I just waited for someone or something to grasp at me, and smother out the rest of my lifeless ash. Because in reality, all that remains of my being is other peoples memories of me. All because Eren had taken my soul with him when he left.
I became tired of Earths sun, jealous. Not because I despised it, but because he was my sun, and I orbited around him.