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"I wanna be the dog."
"You've been the dog last time."
"Exactly. It'll be confusing if I’m not the dog now."
"It literally won’t."
"C'mon, Petey. When you think of a dog, which of us do you see? The only answer is me."
"What? No, it isn- You know what? Fine, Wade. If you want to be a baby, I'm not going to stop you."
Deadpool, aka Wade Wilson, Spider-Man, aka Peter Parker, and Daredevil, aka Matt Murdock (wow, so many alliterations) were sitting on Wade's apartment floor. The Monopoly board was placed in the middle of their circle.
"The only baby here is you, baby boy."
"Wade. Shut up." Peter glared at him. He looked over the rest of the figurines and decided he was fine with being a hat.
Matt ignored the two of them and grabbed himself a pillow to sit more comfortably. Then he just snatched a random figurine and was ready to play.
But for some reason, that offended both of the bickering men.
"Matty, what are you doing?"
"Preparing to play?"
"Matt, you can't be a car!" Peter joined with the I-can't-believe-you tone.
The man in question just sighed. He knew it was going to be stupid. Of course it will. But he has to ask. Unfortunately.
"Why can't I be a car, Peter."
"Because you have to be the cat!" Peter pointed to the cat, while Wade nodded enthusiastically beside him.
"I don't even like cats that much."
"No, you don't understand." Wade turned to him in a serious manner. "You. Are. A. Cat."
Matt blinked a few times. "I am?"
Peter nodded, even though the Devil couldn't see it. "Yes. And we aren't going to explain this to you. It's just a fact."
Matt sighed once again in a very grumpy cat manner.
"Can we just play the game?"
"Buying!"
"Wade, if you buy everything you step on, you will be broke in the next 10 minutes."
Wade scoffed as he bought his seventh street. "That's what you think, spider-babes. But I'm a real-life businessman and I know how these things work, okay?"
"Didn't you invest in that weird stuffed animals underwear last year?" Matt asked from his spot.
"It's comfortable!"
Peter rolled his eyes. "Yeah, whatever 'businessman'. It's my turn." He snatched the dice from Wade and rolled it, knocking over Wade’s dog.
"So rude. He doesn’t even have insurance."
Peter picked up Wade’s figurine and put it back in its place. "Here. Happy?" He moved his own figurine ten spaces and landed on a chance box. He grabbed a chance card from the top of the deck: "Speeding fine $15."
Wade slapped his knee with excitement. "Aha! You ran over my poor little doggy and now you have to pay. That’s karma, Pete."
Peter threw 15 bills in the bank, which was just a box placed between Wade and Peter. "Whatever. Matt, it’s your turn."
Matt grabbed the dice and threw it gently across the board.
"It's five," announced Peter and moved Matt's cat figurine five places. It landed on one of the railroads. "You're on a railroad. Want to buy it?"
"Sure."
"Noooo!" Wade fell on his back. "You ruined my whole master plan!"
"Your master plan was... buying all the railroads?"
"Of course! Everyone knows that if you own all of the railroads, you are like a god. A Monopoly god."
"Debatable. Anyway, now I'm definitely buying this railroad."
"You fucker."
Matt grinned in response and put his new card next to his other three streets.
Wade rolled the dice aggressively, still pissed about the railroad and saw that he had landed on another empty street. "Buying!"
While Wade counted his money to buy the street (it was a miracle he still had any), Peter threw the dice and got a seven. That meant he was on Matt's green Pacific Avenue street.
He sighed and gave Matt 20 Monopoly money.
Wade was about to tease Peter for having terrible luck but was stopped by Matt's voice.
"You gave me only 20."
Peter blinked at the man. "Yes?"
"The rent is 26."
"Wha- Let me look." The rent was, in fact, 26.
"Oh, sorry, I probably misread it." Peter took 6 dollars from his money pile and gave it to the blind man.
Wade narrowed his eyes at Matt. "How did you know that?"
Matt shifted uncomfortably. "I remembered?"
"Remembered from what? The last time we played was like 3 months ago." Wade turned his detective mode on.
Peter realized that Wade was right (that's a weird sentence) and gave Matt a suspicious look.
"I'm not telling you. Can we move on now?"
"Oh no no no, mister kitty cat. We are not playing until you tell us to which demon you sacrificed your soul to see."
"Matt, by not telling us, you're just making us even more curious." Peter tried to be reasonable.
"You can't make me do anything." Matt crossed his arms in a defensive manner.
"Well, I can just assume you are the biggest Monopoly fanatic ever. Maybe we should call you the Monopoly- Man from now on. You could have a new costume and everything. Like that cute little hat. Oh! You could have a catchphrase. ‘Out of the way, Monopoly-Man is here to save the day!’. Way cooler than that ‘man without fear’ crap. We all know you’re scared of relationships-" Matt gritted his teeth, thinking of knocking out Wade’s teeth. But Wade kept talking, knowing exactly how to annoy the man. "And how about this? Your new superpower would be boring criminals with your endless knowledge of Monopoly. Like a true Monopoly nerd you are deep inside-"
Matt grumped in defeat. He's not letting this go, is he? Peter quietly watched the scene from the side. This was getting good.
Matt interrupted the still-talking man, "I am not a Monopoly fanatic."
"Then please enlighten us." Wade crossed his arms with a smirk.
They sat in silence for a moment. Peter awkwardly spinning the dice in his hands, Wade still confidently smirking at Matt, not moving his gaze from him, while Matt was sitting completely still on his pillow.
"Okay fine." He finally spoke. "Though I know you'll hold this over me for the rest of my life."
Peter wanted to protest but remembered how only moments ago they were making fun of Wade's investment in stuffed animals’ underwear. And every time Peter is in the kitchen, Wade makes sure to remind him of the time he accidentally cooked pasta with sugar instead of salt (it was an understandable mistake, okay?). So maybe they had a habit of not forgetting embarrassing things. Well, what can you do. And among the three of them, they knew the least about Matt. The most stories you could get out of him was when he was drunk. Or Foggy.
"Probably. Sorry, not sorry. Can you tell us now? The worth of Monopoly money is dropping every second."
Matt sighed and grabbed another pillow to sit more comfortably. "When we played last time, I kind of felt out of place. You two basically did everything for me. I didn't feel really in the game. Like some small kid who just wanted to be a part of something he didn’t understand. So, after that, I found the rules of Monopoly in braille and read all of it. I’ve been monitoring where each of our figurines has been since the start of the game. And I might have also memorized all of the names.... and each card's rent money."
"Dude." Peter was in awe.
"I knew you were a softie inside!" Wade threw his hands up in excitement. "You like spending time with us!"
"Yes. Great. You happy now?"
"Very. My turn!"
It was, in fact, not his turn. But the other two vigilantes didn’t notice, Peter still thinking about what Matt said and Matt knowing he would never escape this.
"I rolled ten."
"No, you didn't. It was eleven."
"Nope. You're hallucinating or something."
"First of all, between the two of us, I'm definitely not the one who would hallucinate. And second of all, there isn't anything to hallucinate about. You rolled the dice. It was eleven. Move."
Wade glared at Peter, but the hero just smirked in return.
"Here. Let me help you." Before Wade could protest, Peter grabbed the merc's dog figurine and moved it eleven spaces. Right on his red Indiana Avenue. With 3 houses.
Peter stretched out his hand in Wade's direction. "Pay up, businessman."
Wade grunted and started counting his money. "That's 700! Totally not fair."
"Wade, that's literally how the game works." Matt commented.
"Thank you for your not-wanted impute, Monopoly-Man."
"If you ever call me that again, I'm going to break every bone in your body and scatter it across the whole city."
Wade gulped at the Devil's threat. If there was one thing he could count on, it was Matt's wish to hurt him.
Peter let out a chuckle. "Wade is just mad his amazing 'business' techniques aren't working."
"It will eventually. I just need time."
"Well, you only have 125 dollars left, so good luck."
Wade hmphed in response and held his remaining money close to his heart. His empire will rise. They’ll see.
"Have you guys seen that Star Wars-themed Monopoly?"
"You just can't stop being a nerd, my little spider sunshine, can you?"
"Wade, these nicknames are getting out of control, and so what if I like Star Wars?"
"You're adorable."
Matt threw the dice at Wade. "Your turn."
Wade easily caught them in the air. "And, by the way, the Disney one is much cooler." He rolled a twelve. "Ah shit I'm in jail."
"Finally."
"That's just cruel, Kitty Matt."
Peter snorted at Matt’s comment and threw the dice. "I prefer Pixar over Disney."
Wade gasped. "How could you say that? It's like literally our whole childhood."
Peter moved his hat figurine three spaces, landing on his own street. "Nice. I'm buying a house. And I’m pretty sure Disney wasn’t your childhood, old man. But in that sense, Pixar had a big effect on children too." He put the house on his street and gave the dice to Matt, who rolled it in Peter’s direction.
"There are Disney movies before Frozen, you spiderling. Sure, Pixar has good movies, but Disney princesses are classics!" Wade defended his opinion.
Peter looked at Matt's rolled dice and moved his cat six spaces. "Another railroad." They could hear Wade's angry grunt.
Matt smiled with triumph at Wade as he put 200 in the bank. Wade wanted to flip him off, but unfortunately, that would be useless.
"Classics doesn't mean they're better. Just that they're old and predictable." Peter continued their previous conversation as he took the dice, since Wade was in jail.
Wade scoffed. "Well, I like looking at pretty princesses and happy endings, not that depressive Pixar stuff."
Peter rolled a four. "It's not depressing."
"It is! Can you think of one Pixar movie that didn't make you ball your eyes out?"
"Ehhh... Well- The one with—no, never mind. Disney movies can be sad, too! Like the end of Tangled? Totally cried."
"Can you stop talking about how you both are crybabies when watching children's films and get on with the game?" Matt was getting a little annoyed, but what's new.
Peter looked at his dice and realized he was going to jail too. He grabbed his hat figurine and put it next to Wade's.
"Jail buddies!" Wade exclaimed. "And Matty, have you never cried watching a children's film?"
"No."
"Even when Bing Bong faded away in Inside Out?"
"Didn't"
"When Mufasa died?"
"No."
"That whole Coco scene when the grandmother starts to forget her dad?"
"Nope."
"You had to cry at Up."
"I didn't."
"Gasp! You are a monster and you’re the one who should be in jail." Wade was horrified.
Peter nodded in agreement. Everyone cries at Up.
Matt rolled his eyes. When will they realize that watching movies while blind didn't have the same effect. And he was never a big crier anyway.
"You both are idiots. Now, can you tell me how much I rolled, or do you need to cry it out or something?"
"Would you rather eat a human or be eaten by a human?"
"Gross. What does this have to do with anything?" Surprisingly, it was the voice of Matt, who usually just ignored Wade.
Peter was the one who rolled the dice and now was staring at Wade with concern in his eyes.
Wade stretched his legs, his toes bumping into Peter's thigh. "I just think this question tells a lot about a person."
"Does it?" Peter didn't really believe him.
"Well obviously. Just first, you have to answer it." Wade's feet were lifted on Peter's thigh but quickly shoved away by annoyed Peter. "By the way, you still didn't make your turn, Petey-pie."
Peter moved his gaze from Wade to the board. "Oh yeah. You distracted me." He moved his figurine, landing on Matt's railroad. He handed him 50 Monopoly bills and the dice.
"C'mon, guys, just answer it!"
Matt rolled the dice, his gaze set on the wall. "How would we even answer that? I would rather not do any of that."
"Yes, exactly." Peter nodded in agreement.
Wade moved Matt's cat five spaces. "That's the point! Both situations are terrible, but you have to choose." He turned to Matt. "You're on the empty pink street."
"I know. But I think I'm gonna sit this one out."
"Your loss." Wade shrugged.
Peter came back to Wade's question, "Okay, but we need more context. Like, am I alive when the person eats me? Do I have to eat the person raw? Do I know that person and does that person has to make the same choice? Will I die if I refuse to choose?"
Wade rolled his eyes. "Who cares? You just have to choose, not analyze it. Honestly, that says enough about you."
Matt nudged the dice in Wade's direction and simply stated, "I would probably eat the person. You didn't specify how much I would have to eat, so I could just take one bite and everyone would be fine."
Wade scoffed. "Of course you would find loopholes."
"And what does that say about me?"
"That you're a lawyer."
Matt just smirked.
Peter decided to join in too. "I would sacrifice myself. I couldn't eat another person."
"So, you're self-destructive." Wade stated.
Peter blinked at him, wanting to disagree, but he felt like he would lose this argument.
Matt broke the forming silence. "What would you choose?"
"Kill myself, duh. When I don't have to choose."
Peter rolled his eyes. Maybe this question does say a lot about a person.
Wade noticed the dice lying next to his legs and remembered they were still playing the game. He rolled a seven and landed on Peter's street with 3 houses again.
"Fuck capitalism."
"How about this? I give you my street with 4 houses and you give me your 2 railroads."
"No."
"C'mon! This is a good deal!" Wade whined, looking at Peter for support. Peter mouthed, 'You're on your own'.
"You want me to think it is. But it isn't. That street looks good because you put 4 houses on it, but it's still a brown street. That means its worth is really small compared to others." Matt wasn't naive enough to believe anything Deadpool said.
Wade murmured to himself, "It's always lawyers, man," forgetting both of the men have enhanced hearing.
Peter decided to bring his cards to the table (heh) and offered, "How about my yellow street with 3 houses?"
Matt thought to himself, weighing his options, "Deal."
"Oh c'mon!" Wade threw his hands in the air. "Now you're doing it on purpose just to annoy me."
Peter let out a snort and traded his cards with Matt.
"Let's call this revenge for every time you annoyed me in the past and will in the future."
"Oh my fucking god. We've been playing this game for hours," complained Wade. He was lying down on the floor, his cards and money spread out around him. He swore there was a system. There wasn't.
"Yeah... Has anyone ever actually finished a game of Monopoly?" Peter rolled the dice and moved four spaces with zero enthusiasm. When he saw he had landed on Wade's territory, he just threw a few money bills in his direction. Wade didn't bother to pick them up.
"We could just get something to eat and ignore it. Like last time." Matt was surrounded by pillows, now looking like he was sitting in a bean bag.
"But I want to win." Wade whined.
"We can just count how much money each person has," suggested Peter.
Wade sat up, a few bills flying around him. "I knew you're more than a nice ass, Webs. Let's get counting."
Peter rolled his eyes, but Wade was already counting his money. Peter started to count his and Matt's.
"1795," proudly stated the merc.
"Well, Matt has 2082, and I have 1923. So, you're last, Wade."
"What?!" Wade threw his hands in frustration. "I literally cheated this whole time and I still didn't win!?"
"What?" Now it was the other two vigilantes' turn to be frustrated.
"I was grabbing money from the bank this whole time."
Matt pointed his finger in Wade's direction. "So it's your fault we've been playing for like 5 hours! You should have been bankrupt like ages ago!"
"Not cool, man." Peter shook his head in disappointment.
Wade scoffed. "You're the one to talk, Sweetcheeks. You think I didn't see you grabbing that 500?"
Peter blushed lightly. "What? No, I didn't."
"He's lying." Matt's glare was now set on Peter.
"Okay- Yes! I took 500. One time! I would have gone bankrupt otherwise."
"That. Is. The. Whole. Point. Of. The. Game." Now Matt was mad. He just wasted his whole day with two lying cheaters. "And you can’t even cheat properly, since I still won."
Peter set his gaze to the floor, embarrassed at the whole situation. He wasn’t usually the cheating at games type, but he just couldn’t help himself today. Maybe Wade’s influence is bigger than he thought.
"Well, sorry if I just wanted to win something." Wade tried to argue. That was a mistake.
"Win what? It was just a friendly game that we played because we were bored. And wanting to win doesn't give you the right to cheat. There are rules for a reason."
"I didn't see a rule about taking money from the bank."
"Page 3, at the bottom."
"Oh. I forgot you memorized that thing. Shit."
Matt massaged the bridge of his nose. His back was aching from sitting on the floor for so long. He was hungry, tired and pissed.
"Is it really fun to win when you cheat?" That was Matt’s final question to the cheaters.
Wade and Peter shared a glance, deciding to leave this as a rhetorical question.
"Fuck both of you. I'm leaving." Matt stood up from his pile of pillows and headed to the door.
Wade waved at him. "Goodbye sweetie! We know you love us! See you on patrol!"
Matt slammed the door, leaving Wade and Peter alone.
"So... you like playing dirty, huh?" Wade wiggled his nonexistent eyebrows.
"Okayyy and I think I'm leaving too."
"Hey, who's gonna clean up all of this?"
"Don't know, don't care." Peter was already with his mask on, heading for the window.
But Wade knew how to catch his attention. "Want to settle our Disney vs. Pixar debate with a movie night?"
Spider-Man was about to jump out, but he shared a last glance with the man.
"I'm free on Thursday."
Before Wade could respond, Peter shot a web at the nearest boulding and disappeared in the black of the night. Huh, they really spent a long time playing.
Wade glanced around his living room, full of cards, fake money and pillows laying around everywhere. He picked up a few of the Monopoly money bills.
"Time to see if I can buy some tacos with these."