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He knew something was wrong when the phone sang at 5pm.
And maybe it was just the rain outside that had set the mood for something bad to happen, but when the name Sirius showed in his phone he just knew. He hadn’t heard from him since last Sunday, the only day when Sirius was allowed to use his recreational phone. And it was Wednesday, it was definitely not a recreational phone day.
So, he jumped from the sofa where he was reading to get to his phone and answered.
“Sirius?” He said, “is everything alright?”
“Hi” The voice sounded small on the other side, “Are you on campus?”
“I- yeah, I am” He heard Sirius sigh.
“Can you come to the front door?”
It took one or two minutes more than usual, he had to collect his thoughts. He had to calm down because he knew something like this eventually was going to happen. James and he had discussed it last term, they knew the relationship between Sirius and his family became even more difficult in the last three years that they had been in college, so it was just a matter of time.
He tried to push aside any thought that came in his mind, mostly images of Sirius hurt, or crying or both. He walked through the halls with a quick step he didn't know he had, heart beating fast, mind going even faster.
Sirius was outside under the eaves when he found him. He had his arms around himself, shivering from the thin rain that was still falling. He was looking down, but Remus could see the black around his eyes, the tired eyes that the boy had.
“Hi,” Remus said when he stepped outside.
“Hi Moony '' Now that his head was up, Remus could see the raindrops in his eyelashes, and his gaze was even more tired and broken than he would've imagined. They looked at each other for three seconds before they were hugging.
“What happened? Why are you here?” Remus said while Sirius buried his face in Remus´s chest “We still have two weeks before the start of the term”
“Yeah, yeah I know I just… I wanted to come earlier” It was a lie and they both knew it but he didn’t insist. “But I’m… well James is still on his trip with his parents and I don't have my key, can I stay with you? He will be back next week and I can sleep on the couch. I swear I won’t be a trouble…”
“Sirius, shut up, you know you don’t even have to ask”
“Okay but it will be inconvenient because I don’t have my card with me so I only can get inside with you so like if you want to go out or something, I mean we would have to do everything together or I don’t know wait for each other outside and…”
“Please breathe” Remus interrupted again. “I promise you it won’t be inconvenient, or at least not one we can’t resolve, alright?” Sirius took this head out of Remus' neck, looked at him and nodded. “Now, can we go inside before you freeze to death?”
“Yeah, we can do that”
Sirius had a backpack with a bit of clothes so he took some and went to the bathroom to take a shower. In the meantime, Remus put in order his room; the books he left on the floor, and the take outs that were all over the coffee table and the desk. He had arrived five days ago and it was already a mess. He was fixing the bed when Sirius got out of the bathroom.
“I really don’t know why I don’t stay here anymore; I swear that shower is even better than the one at my flat” he said. He did not look better but the ill look was slowly fading. Maybe he needed some food.
“So, is it really not that bad that you don't have your key?” Remus asked.
“You could say that”
“Okay, in that case, I can assure you that living here is not so different that living at you and James´s” He answer. Shit, he had to call James. “You can hear everyone having sex, there´s always a party no matter the day in the week and you cannot use the space to study because silence is a concept just unimaginable”
“We do not party as much as we used to, '' Sirius protested sitting on the sofa. “And don´t act like you didn’t enjoy the perks of those parties, my friend, for I remember a lot of those so call sex noises were coming out of you”
“I don’t know what you are talking about. '' Remus lied, blushing, turning to hide his face while tossing a cushion on top of the pillow of his bed. “And even if I did, that's beside the point. You did party a lot, and I'm glad that that era stopped”
“Before you catch a STD, you mean”
“Before any of us did” Remus replied, now tossing the same cushion in Sirius's direction. It ended up hitting his face and Sirius acted like it was a bullet and threw himself at the length of the sofa.
“That was cruel, I’m a homeless man and you treat me like that” he said, dramatically.
“I’m opening the doors of my home and you treat me like that” Remus joked back.
“I know I’m sorry” Sirius' tone had completely changed and the smile faded.
“God, Pads I was joking” Remus said worriedly, sitting on the sofa, putting Sirius´s feet in his lap.
“I know, I just… I’m really grateful that you let me stay…” He was about to cry, and he was playing with his hands, like he did when he was really anxious.
“Stop that, Sirius” He reached to take his hands. “I know you don’t want to talk about what happened, and I´m not going to make you, but you had to tell me what to do because you are not well, okay? And I had nothing to do here, so really, whatever you need, just ask”
“I wanna tell you, Moony” He said, and his voice was small again, “I really do but I’m just not… I´m not ready yet” He was crying now. “I just really need a hug” Remus used the hand he had in his to put Sirius up and closer, hugging him again.
“I can do that, '' He whispered, stroking his hand up and down Sirius’s back. He was just wearing a shirt, and he could feel the wounds in his friend's back. He stopped breathing for a second, and quickly recovered, Sirius didn’t need a reaction right now.
“No one can do it better than you” Sirius whispered back, after a beat, and then he was asleep.
*
An hour later, Sirius was still asleep.
Remus was on his phone, ordering food, and a second before he hung up the phone, the screen flashed James´s name.
“Remus, I don't want to scare you, okay? But I think something happened to Sirius” Was the first thing James said.
“I know Prongs” He answered, opening the door so he wouldn’t wake Sirius up. “He's here with me”
“What?” He didn’t hear angry, just scared.
“He just… he called me like almost two hours ago telling he was outside and he was just there, with a backpack all wet and sad”
“Jesus, what the hell happened?” He was using what Remus called James’s mom voice mode, which was just a high pitch voice filled with concern and panic.
“He didn’t tell me yet but I…” Remus took a breath, “Please don't panic”
“I won’t” Liar.
“He has wounds in his back”
“Fuck” He heard a hit in the other line, probably just James realising his frustrations with the wall, “They look bad? Are they infected or something?”
“I don’t know, I didn't see them” Remus pinched his nose with his fingers, he hadn’t even thought of infections.
“What do you mean?”
“Well, I just… I was hugging him and I just felt them, I don’t know how bad they are” He explained, now he was the one panicking.
“Oh, okay” James was silent for a second, “Okay, don´t worry just try to make him let you see them or, I don’t know surprise him in the shower or something”
“I´m not going to surprise him in the shower, James”
“Fine, fine just make sure he doesn’t need a doctor”
“Yeah, all right” He heard a sound in the room, “I think he just wake up, I should go”
“Yeah, of course” James sigh “Tell him I said hi and that Regulus send me a text saying he was going to bring him his stuff next week”
“Will do”
Sirius was awake when Remus returned, face facing up, eyes lost in the ceiling. He looked better now, rested. He always looked good though, Remus thought. But it wasn't pleasing now, seeing him like this. He looked like a lost poppy.
“Good morning” Remus said, and I was a win because he made him smile, “James said hi”
“I was wondering how long it would take for his mom-senses to activate and for him to realise that something was wrong” He sat in the bed, and Remus sat at his feet.
“It wasn't his mom-senses this time, it was Regulus actually” His face wasn't bright anymore, after hearing his brother´s name. “He sent him a text saying he was going to bring your thing next week”
“That's nice of him” Was all Sirius said.
“Did you two fought?” He asked tentatively. Sirius sight.
“Not exactly,” He answered.
“Okay” Remus was willing to leave it there, but Sirius seemed mad now, and then he started talking.
“We didn’t, really, but things considered he could do more than just bring my things, I mean he could have said the truth and then mother wouldn’t have got angry at me and… He could just have done more”
“So, you had a fight with your mother?” Remus asked, taking advantage of how verbal Sirius got when he was angry.
“Yes, I did” He said, rolling his eyes, “We just wanted to use our free Sunday to watch a movie and it turns out that movie was not approved by the Pope or something, but I didn’t know! I just watched the trailer and it seems nice, but then they were kissing, and mother walked in and Regulus just said: he didn't tell me what the movie was about, but he surely knew. Bloody traitor. We watched the trailer together! Neither of us knew!”
“I… okay” Remus sighed, “What was the movie?”
“Maurice or something,” Sirius said. Remus coughed, trying to stop his laugh“What!?”
“I’m sorry just…” He was laughing now, “Sirius that’s like the gayest movie ever”
“I am aware now!” He sounded offended but he had a little smile forming in his lips, “Stop laughing!”
“But it's a classic!” Remus defended himself, “I´m about to take you your gay card”
“Oh, sorry we are not all intellectuals gays like you, Remus” Sirius said, a smile eve bigger, “And I can’t believe you are laughing at this such a serious moment”
“It´s definitely a Sirius moment” Remus said, before he could stop himself.
“Oh, that was just awful” Sirius answered, tossing himself on top of Remus, cushion in his hand hitting Remus’s face, “You're the worst friend of all times”
“I am not, and you know it” he said, taking the cushion, and trying to get Sirius out of him. When his legs were intertwined, and they were trying to hit each other, and laughing, when they faces were inches apart, and Remus could count the dots in Sirius´s face… that’s when Remus´s phone rang again, this time to let him now that his food was waiting for him outside.
“See? If I was such a bad friend, I wouldn’t have ordered your favourite” he said, putting on a hoodie. Sirius smiled from the bed, his hair a mess, his face red.
“You are the best, and I mean it” he said with a bright smile. And for now, it was enough.
When Remus was back with two boxes of pizza (Sirius’s favourite came from a place of never having the chance to eat greasy stuff), Sirius was sitting on the couch, with Remus´s computer on the coffee table.
“I know it's maybe a bit early to eat, but you looked hungry” he said, closing the door, eying the computer screen.
“It's never too early to eat, my friend,” Sirius said, distracted by the screen.
“What are you doing?” Remus asked, leaving the boxes in the little table and sitting beside Sirius.
“I was thinking maybe we could watch Maurice,” he said, with a smile.
It was a bad idea, and Remus knew it. Watching Maurice was like watching his life (with a little more of drama) before his eyes and that was why he only watched when he felt like crying for try days straight, these same days coinciding with the days he had to avoid Sirius or else he would do something stupid like cry or tell him he loved him.
“Yeah sure” he said instead, because, oh well, Remus Lupin wasn’t himself without masochism.
They put the movie on and opened a box of pizza. They were sitting closer than Remus would have chosen, but he remembered the state that Sirius was in, and how clingy he became when he was like this. So, he did not move. He did not move when Sirius leaned over to grab a piece of pizza and made them even more close, or when about an hour and half into the movie, pizza one now finished, Sirius leaned his head on his shoulder, breathing slowly. And he didn’t move when Sirius started crying, at the end of the movie, but he did when Sirius hid his face in his neck, to touch his hair trying to comfort him.
“Why did we had to watch it?” He said, voice muffed by Remus´s body, “it was happy before my mother walked in, I thought it was a happy movie”
“It was not,” Remus whispered, with a little smile on his face.
“I can’t believe you're laughing again” he said, shocked, moving his face to see Remus in the eyes. His were red, filled with tears, and Remus used his thumps to clean them.
“I´m not laughing, it's just funny to see your reaction because it's the same I had first time a saw it with my mom” He explained, and Sirius was smiling now, “I cried as much as you are doing right now, and I was very angry with my mom”
“I don´t think I´m just crying because of the movie, though” Sirius said, no smile now, looking down.
“I wasn’t either, '' Remus whispered, “But it's all right, you cried it out, yeah? And then we can eat the rest of the pizza”
So, Sirius cried for a little longer, and then Remus got out of the sofa to bring him water (for headache, he said) and then they sat to eat another pizza, now discussing the movie, without tears interfering.
*
When the pizza was over, and it was established that Maurice was, in Sirius words, a massive pussy, they started getting ready to sleep.
Remus got a shower first, getting out of the bathroom with his pyjamas on, and a lack of energy he didn´t know where it came from, except he knew. Sirius was with his pyjamas too, meaning he had changed to one of Remus´s old shirts because he had said that he wasn't old enough to sleep on them.
“They are part of my secret wardrobe” He explain, while Remus was looking for a shirt to give him, “I have barely had the opportunity to used them, and I’m not going to used them to sleep the first time”
So now he was wearing the old maths team shirt Remus had from high school, Sirius not even now being as tall as Remus, ending up in a funny looking Sirius, with a shirt that covered almost his knees.
“Nice shirt, maths genius” Remus joked.
“Not so genius if you couldn’t win nationals” Sirius answers, tossing himself in the sofa once again. Remus looked at him, hurt.
“That was low, you know I'm still not recovered from losing” He said walking to the sofa, “and will you please get out of there? I have to put some sheets on so I can sleep”
“You´re not sleeping here, I am,” Sirius said, stretching and yawning.
“No, you´ll sleep in my bed, end of story” He took his friend’s arms and put him up, and instead of standing up, Sirius let himself fall into Remus arms, and he wrapped him intuitively.
“Can you sleep with me, please?” And he couldn't say no to that tone, not knowing how badly Sirius needed it.
“Sure”
Now the thing was, Remus really didn't mind being the one taking care of Sirius. For as long as he can remember, it was all he did since the day they met, almost ten years ago. But this kind of job belonged to James. Talking to him, hugging him, wiping out his tears, that could be Remus territory. Cuddling was not. Cuddling belonged to James. But James was away, and Sirius had wounds in his back, and in his heart and in his head, and he needed cuddling, and whatever he needed was always first to Remus, no matter how hard he had tried to change that.
So now they were cuddling in the one-person sized bed, lights out and eyes open. They were facing each other, Remus facing up and Sirius almost on top of him, with his head in his chest, one leg between Remus´s.
“You are a very comfortable person” Sirius said, once he settled.
“Thank you,” He answered. Sirius just chuckled in response and got even closer to Remus if that was possible. Remus put his hand on Sirius´s back, and there were again, the wounds. He remembers James´s words “Sirius I won’t make you said anything you don’t want to but I need to know if you´re hurt”
He saw him close his eyes and then he shook his head.
“Is that a no, I’m not hurt, or is that a I don’t want to talk about it?”
“Both” He answered, barely audible.
“Would you let me look at them?” He asked, slowly, softly, stroking his hair.
“You don’t need to; they have been treated,” he said.
“By who?” But he already knew the answer.
“It doesn’t matter, I´m okay and you don’t need to see them Moony” Remus sighed and looked down at him, his eyes still closed.
“You know I have wounds too,” he said. Sirius nodded, “and you had watched them, some of them aren’t nice”
“You have scars, Remus, they are not fresh, they don’t hurt…” he said, and something in Remus hurt. Well not something, everything.
“Okay, I won’t see them just…” He fought the tears, “Please promise me they are not infected or something”
“They aren't” and then he opened his eyes, “no, Moony, don’t cry I´m fine, really”
“Sorry” He said wiping the tears quickly, “I´m sorry, I'm not the one who's hurt I´m just really worried, because you are not okay”
“I am, I am” Sirius was hugging him now, fully on top of him, “Remus is fine, I'm alive that's what matters. And I promise, Regulus cleaned them every day and they aren´t that deep so I´m fine, all right?”
“All right, yeah” He said, still crying, “Fucking hell, you scared me so much”
“I know, I´m sorry…”
“Don´t, don´t, it's fine” He took a deep breath, “It's fine let's just, let's sleep, yeah?”
“Okay” And not ever bothering with changing positions, they both fell asleep.
*
Remus´s phone rang at nine in the morning the next day. They hadn’t move at all during the night, so he stretched his hand carefully to set off the alarm. Sirius didn’t even make a sound. Remus took that as a sign that he wasn't going to wake up in a while, and got out of the bed leaving Sirius snoring while he entered the bathroom.
Fifteen minutes later, he was dressed heading to the cafeteria to pick some breakfast. Even if the decision of going to college earlier had nothing to do with studying, Remus was spending his days getting ahead with the readings, just because he was bored and it didn’t hurt having one thing less in his list of to do´s.
By nine thirty, he was sitting in his favourite spot at the library, going through the pages and making notes. By ten o’clock, he gave up. His mind was not focused, meaning it was focused, but not in the book in front of his eyes. Pictures of Sirius´s back hunted his head, even when he didn’t even see the wounds, his mind was filling the blanks with the most horrible imaginations he could think of. He saw Sirius’s eyes too, hurt and weeping. His smile went down, his hands trembling.
He texted James, the wounds are okay, he's still sleeping but he already looks better x.
He didn't mention that he hadn't seen them, that Sirius didn’t let him. He didn’t say how he hung at him all night, like if he was afraid that Remus was going to disappear. He didn’t mention that he woke up multiple times at night hearing Sirius saying unintelligible things.
Thanks mate, take care of him, I´ll be back next week, love you.
Remus sighed.
“He will be back next week and it will all be just fine” he said to himself, and the girl two tables away from him looked at him with angry eyes.
He looked back at his book again. Why was he even doing this? He didn’t need to be reading, he was on vacation, it finally stopped raining and his best friend was… well not visiting, but still, he was there and they could have been having fun, or at least a distraction, and instead he was in the library, beating himself up by not being able to concentrate when he was going through a very stressful situation.
Sirius was up when he came back, ten minutes later.
Sirius was up and changing his clothes.
Sirius was up and changing his clothes and he was shirtless and he could see his wounds and they were bad.
“Bloody hell Sirius” he said walking to him. He immediately turned around, back hidden from Remus who kept starting at his chest, scared.
“Please don’t” He said, not looking him in the eyes, “Where were you? I woke up and you weren’t here and I got scared”
“I- I´m sorry” He said, now looking up and seeing that his friend was about to cry, “I was at the library, you were sleeping”
“Whatever, is fine just… leave a note next time” He said sniffing and putting Remus´s sleeping shirt on again, “And I told you I didn't want you to see them”
“You also told me they were fine” Remus said, touching his hips trying to make him turn around, “but they aren’t, Pads, they look infected”
“I don’t care, they don't hurt”
“That is not possible”
“Why can you just leave it?” He said, and walked away and looked at himself in the bathroom.
Remus sighed, walking to the door, and knocking it.
“Sirius, please listen to me” he said to the door. Nothing. “Look, I know I scared you, and I´m sorry, you looked very tired and I tried to let you sleep. I should've left a note, but I didn't think you were going to wake up so early”
A beat.
“You should've left a note,” Sirius said.
“I know, I’m really sorry” Remus repeated, “but please, if you´re scared just be scared don’t be mad. I'm just trying to help and you know it” He heard him crying after a little, “Pads, please, those wounds look bad, can at least take a look at them properly?”
Sirius opened the bathroom door after a minute. He was not crying anymore but his face was red, still sleepy and he had put his hair up in a bun.
“I'm scared,” he said with a little voice.
“About what?” Remus asked, getting closer. Sirius shrugged.
“I don´t know, Moony, I´m just scared all the time” Remus took one step more into the bathroom and pulled him into a hug.
“You don't have to, okay? It's going to be alright” He said, hand in his hair, avoiding touching his back, “you´re safe now, you said it last night, didn’t you? They can´t get to you here”
“You promise?”
“I do”
Sirius got away after a few minutes, and took off his shirt. He slowly turned away, and Remus flinched when he saw the wounds. They were red, very red but they were also a little wite, almost green.
“Regulus really cleaned them every day?” He asked, finger tracing them without touching.
“Just the firs day” He admitted, “Sunday”
“Right,” Remus sighed, looking at the back of Sirius´s head, “You won't like what I'm about to say…”
“I don’t want to go to the hospital” He said, alarmed, “They are going to have questions and I cannot answer them”
“Sirius…”
“I´ll just tell you what Regulus usually does and you can do that and it´ll be fine” He sounded determinate and Remus decided that he got as far as he could, “It always is”
A beat.
“Okay, we´ll do that. But I´m going to check them every day and if they don´t get better we´re going to the ER, get it?”
“Yes sir”
It turned out, Remus didn’t have half the stuff they needed, so the morning turned into a trip to the pharmacy. It was when Remus started to go to the bus station that Sirius stopped him. He had brought his bike from his and James´s apartment. He was about to protest but then he realised; there was nothing in the world that made Sirius’s spirits rise like a ride in his bike.
They got to the pharmacy in one piece, by some guardian Angel they must have in the sky because Sirius didn’t know the concept of low speed and traffic lights were more a suggestion than an order to him.
“I didn’t understand why you always seem to try to kill yourself when you ride” Remus said when they get out of the bike.
“And now you do?” Sirius asked, taking off his helmet, and shaking his head like if he was in a shampoo commercial.
“I do”
“Why do you think I do it, then?”
“´cause it's bloody funny”
They spent more time than necessary in the pharmacy, as it was every time they tried to do anything together. There were a lot of things that were distracting, but the reality was; they just got lost in each other. The device to cut pills easily wasn’t really such an entertaining thing, but the amount of jokes they did about it surely was. And the ladies fighting in the sanitary pads aisle would give a headache to anyone else, but not to Sirius who (after making a really bad joke about his nickname) went to talk to the ladies and tell them which brand of pads he preferred. Watching them confused and angry were enough to make them laugh, and then, have an intense debate (with both of them of the same side) about gender constructure and stupid and ignorant old ladies.
By the time that all of the items were collected, almost an hour had passed, Remus had laughed and cried four times, and Sirius was about to be kicked out of the place two times.
“You reckon we should go grab some lunch?” Sirius asked when they started walking in the bike´s direction.
“We should come back so I can heal you” Remus said, pharmacy bag in his hand like it was gold.
“Nothing heals you better than a great meat” Sirius said with a big smile, all teeth out. He was thinking it would have an effect on Remus, but not this time.
“Sirius”
“Remus” He said in the same tone, “I´m not going to get worse if we wait two more hours, and it´s true that my body can’t function without food. How am I supposed to heal if my body isn't working properly?”
“Fine, fine” Remus gave up, “We can go to The Burrow”
“Sure”
The Burrow was run by The Weasley, a marriage a few years older than Remus and Sirius. It was not the fanciest place in town, but it was cosy and it was family run and Sirius loved it because of this since the first time they found it, at three in the morning after a very bad night at a very homophobic club. The Weasleys had offered them free food after hearing the story of why all of them were bleeding and with black eyes. The next time they were to The Burrow (only two days after) a rainbow flag was in the showcase.
There weren’t many people when they arrived, and Remus was relieved; he knew Sirius got even more anxious with noise. They sat at a table by the window (Remus really liked people watching) and they waited.
“Hello, guys, welcome back”
James used to say that coming to The Burrow was like a Russian roulette because you could never know who was going to serve you. Molly Weasley had five sons, two already working there, plus her two twin brothers, who were just two years older than Remus and Sirius. You also had the chance to be attended by Arthur Weasley, when he wasn’t in the kitchens, but that could only happen if the place was full.
Today, the fate must be against Remus because Fabian Prewett was his waiter. Fabian was one of Molly´s twin brothers, and, if you'd asked Remus the most attractive. But he was also the one whom Remus had hooked up with multiple times. And he was also the one whom flirt with Remus every time they were there, or anywhere really. And he was also one of the few persons that Sirius Black just couldn’t stand.
“Hi Fabian,” Remus said. He could see that Sirius was already tense, and he would fight about it later like he normally would do, but no today, not now.
“I haven’t seen you in a while Remus” He was all smiles and charmed and Remus tried really hard not to look pleased.
“You haven’t seen me either,” Sirius said, plainly.
“Of course, it's nice to see you too, Sirius” He lied, “what can I offer you today?”
They ordered, quickly, but still some very nice words were sent in Remus directions. It was all over Remus´s face, and Sirius hated it.
“I’m starting to think that you just wanted to come here to get an ego boost” Sirius said once Fabian was gone.
“You don't need to be so rude, you know?” He answered doing his best not to get angry with him, “You were the one who wanted to eat something”
“I didn't choose the place” Sirius said, crossing his arms over his chest and looking out of the window.
“You can go if you want to, but I really would like to try the risotto Arthur made today” Sirius was starting to act like a child, and, unlike James, he was not a mom.
“What do you want to hear? That you are pretty?” Remus took a deep breath, looking at his friend, a bored expression in his face, “That you are fuckable? I could tell you that. You are a very pretty man Remus, beautiful even, honestly you are one of the most beautiful men I´ve ever seen, and I personally would fuck y…”
“Okay, I get it, you can stop that” He was really annoyed now, and even worse; blushed.
“Stop what? I’m just saying what I think”
“No, you´re not. You are just mad because you never liked him and you´re trying to annoy me, and congratulations, you did it” Remus said, “If you´re happy now, I would like to wait for my lunch in silence”
Sirius opened his mouth and closed it three times until he decided to leave it like that. It wasn’t until the food arrived that he talked again.
“I'm sorry” He said, “I was telling the truth, though, but it's not the way or the time to…”
“It's fine, Sirius” Remus said, still angry but calmed now.
“No, it's not and I don’t want you to just… forget everything because I'm a mess right now” Sirius said, “If I am being a cunt, I want you to tell me so, because me being a mess doesn’t excuse my beha-”
“You are being a cunt” Remus interrupted, trying not to sound too angry, “And you being a mess does not excuse your behaviour. Not to me, or to Fabian. I get that you don't like him, you never did actually, and apparently, you also don't like when I became the centre of attention”
“What does that supposed to mean?”
“It means that for once, somebody is interested in me and you act all angry and upset. I´m sorry, but I have not control over who find me or you attractive”
“First of all: for once?” Sirius answered, and he was not angry, he seemed… amused, “You pull almost more than me, so don't act like nobody likes you. And even if it was true, you know that it's not like that. It doesn’t bother me that the attention isn´t in me, I got enough”
“Okay” Remus sighed, “What is it then?”
“I don't like him, I don't like his intentions with you…” Remus snorted.
“Oh, okay father I´m so sorry I will seek for a gentleman that respects our family values” Remus mocked him.
“You are the cunt now, you know what I'm talking about” He was looking at his rice, like he was bored.
“No, I do not, please enlighten me” Sirius looked at the ceiling now, annoyed.
“He just… He comes here whenever we are, or when we are in a party and he flirts with you, if that could be consider flirt, and the he gets you to bed and then he never calls you again and the cycle repeats after a few months”
“Oh, poor me” Remus said, still mocking but with much more anger, “I got a laid insured, that surely is terrible”
Sirius just blinked and was… was that blush in his cheeks?
“But my favourite part is when you pretend that this is not my decision, like he just comes and I… what? Fall to my knees and let him do whatever I want? Do I have not say in this?”
“Of course, you do,” Sirius said, recovered now.
“Yeah, of course I do,” Remus repeated, “Unless that´s what is upsetting you. That I want to do this”
“Well of course that is!” He was angry again, “You get the chance to say no, to get treated right and…”
“Oh, I get treated perfectly”
“No, you don´t!” He laughed, without amusement in his voice, “You could do so much better”
“I'm doing as better as I want to!”
Sirius watched him for a beat.
“So, this is what you want then? You don't want someone to… I don't know, hold your hand, or cuddle or-”
“Hold my hand?” Remus repeated, amused.
“I don´t know!” Sirius said, exasperated “Don´t you want that? I think that you deserve that”
“Well that´s not your problem anyway” Make it your problem, he wanted to say, “And you are one to talk, mister I'm too good to be in a relationship”
But the thing was, they were both mister. I'm too good to be in a relationship. And Remus once thought it was for different reasons; to Sirius, he had thought that was a mix of fear of intimacy and not being able to stay in a place for much time. Regarding to himself; he had two reasons. The first one was, he had never been in one and even if it was by his own choice (meaning, it wasn’t the lack of opportunities) he just never felt it right. And he knew a certain black-hair-friend of his had a lot to do with it, because without him doing anything, Remus was already devoted to him. That was the second reason and it was one that was really hard to come to terms with. But when he realised that he was probably never going to feel the same for anybody else, he just gave up. Sex was fine, sex was enough, and it was a hurtful but efficient way of sort of getting what he wanted; he still had Sirius and a sex life, even if those things were separated.
So, Remus knew it was a mistake when he said that phrase to Sirius.
“You are one to talk,” Sirius replied, a hurt smile on his face.
“At least I don’t get into your sex life” Remus said, “I don´t like how you´re treated either, but it´s my place to tell you that? No, because you are a grown fucking man, and you´re supposed to know what you´re doing”
“Sometimes I wished you did, you know?” He said, quiet, “Sometimes I wished you matter what I do and with who”
Remus suddenly went very quiet.
“I do care,” he said, after more than was necessary.
“No like that”
“Like what?”
“You know how”
“I-“
“It doesn’t matter”
“Sirius…”
“I don't want to talk about this anymore” He said, taking a fork full of rice into his mouth, “I´ll be nice with Fabian, I promise”.
And they didn't talk about it, but it was buried in the back of Remus´s mind.
*
Sirius turned eighteen on a Saturday. It was fate, he said.
And it was, really, because they had a really big need for going out, and Sirius´s birthday had seemed the perfect excuse. Of course, he was the first one turning eighteen, so they had to appeal to Marlene. It was going to be an all-boys exclusive affair, but after going to her looking for fake IDs, they just had to invite the girls too.
“How is it that we just realise what an amazing team we are together?” Marlene asked, while he was applying eyeliner in Sirius´s face, “I mean, you have the way to get us out of here, and we have the way to make you guys in on every bloody club”
Remus looked at Lily, who was wearing a bright pink dress and sat in his bed, looking at James while he chose what to wear. They share an amused look at Marlene´s words. They knew why they had not think of it before; because Remus (at Lily´s prays) had managed to avoid the groups to collided outside of Hogwarts.
“If we don't have the academic context around us to make him feel at least a little bit ashamed, who knows what he would do!” Lily had said. She was talking about James, obviously.
But not even Remus could stop a birthday-mode Sirius, or a party-thirsty Marlene. So, there they were, James, Sirius, Remus, Lily, Marlene, Dorcas and Mary, all getting ready for their biggest adventure yet.
“Okay, I have to change my shirt, and we can go” Sirius announced now that he was already made up. He took the shirt Remus had gifted him hours ago.
“You are going out with that?” James asked.
“Why?” He said looking down. The shirt was black, with a white heart that said I love dicks.
“I think that it's the best shirt ever” Mary said, taking Sirius hand, “And a very supporting gift from Remus”
“Ah, you know me, always protective over our community” Remus said, looking at anything but the smile on Sirius's face.
“Alright then, it's time to go!”
Since they had spent the last six years looking for ways to get out of Hogwarts, the boys knew the best way and they took it. Soon enough they were in a cold air London, pumpkins still in every window case, looking for the first club they could find.
They had to wait half an hour, and maybe the girls had to put their tops a little lower in the neckline, but they got inside.
Sirius was so happy he looked like he was going to explode, and Remus had to start drinking because he wasn’t going to get through the night any other way. Dorcas went with him to get some tequila shots, and he could see the same look he was wearing in her eyes.
“Ah, young love” He said, joking, while they waited, “You know? We should just change school at this point”
“No, this is not going to get me” She said, “I'm not letting it, I know I will get over it, I just had to…”
“Stop being her friend?” He suggested. She looked horrified.
“I could never” she said, looking at Marlene. She was dancing with Sirius.
“Yeah, same” He sighed.
An hour into the night, he was already drunk, and he was pretty sure everyone else was. He danced, even if he didn’t like it, because it was Sirius´s birthday and he was watching him with imploring eyes and so they danced.
It started as a friendly dance, but then it wasn´t. Sirius´s hands were in Remus´s low back, pulling him closer, and he was breathing in the side of his face. Remus was not against dancing like this (he was a weak, weak boy) but he couldn't stop the blush in his face.
“You look so cute when you blush” Sirius said, very close, and Remus just stared.
And maybe they were dancing way too close, and with their hands in not friendly places, or maybe it was Sirius´s shirt, or the fact that Remus was very clearly enjoying it, whatever it was, drew the attention of a group of boys.
“Hey, this is not that kind of club,” One of them said.
“Pardon me?” Sirius said, not even moving from Remus, who was trying to at least look a little less… well, gay.
“I said, this is no that kind of club” The boy repeated, and his friends laughed, “If you two want to do that, you should do it in privacy”
“Why are we turning you on?” Sirius asked.
And that was that. The other guy threw the first punch, and then Sirius, and at some point, James joined, but Remus was very occupied trying to take off all of one of the boy’s teeth with his fist, and it wasn’t until some really strong hands took him from behind that he came back to the present.
Sirius was on the ground, nose bleeding and a bruise eye. James had his hands covered in blood, and his cheek was starting to bruise too. Lily was hugging Dorcas, who was crying and Marlene and Mary were being held by another guard.
Both groups were kicked out, and they ran before somebody thought of calling the police.
They ended up in a small park, and they threw themselves in the grass, exhausted.
“What the bloody hell just fucking happened” James said.
“Why does he curse like it´s the first time he does it?” Sirius asked Remus, whispering. They were laying together; heads joined. Remus chuckled in response.
“We got in a fight” Marlene said, “I can't believe this…”
“I know!” James said, “I never thought I could make somebody bleed like that- “
“I'm not talking about that” Marlene said, “I know it's fun to you, James, because you were not the one being bloody hate crimed- “
“Wow, Marls- “
“No!” She said, “It´s not fucking fair”
Mary hugged her when she started crying.
“I´m sorry Marls” James said, “I am really”
“I know, it's not your fault” She said, still weeping, “I just hate that they ruined Sirius´s birthday”
They all looked at Sirius, who was now sitting, with a sad look on their faces.
“Oi, who said they ruined it?” He said, “I mean, I didn't planed on fighting homophobes, but I'm not complaining either, it was good getting it out of my system”
“And it was our fault, really” Remus said getting up, “We were too hot, they couldn’t handle it”
“You bloody were,” Lily said, and it was obviously not supposed to be heard, because she was blushing very hard.
“Well, well Lily flower” Sirius said, “Who would know”
“Shut up, you tosser” she said looking away. They all laugh.
“Oh, I´m so hungry,” Mary said suddenly, “Can we eat something?”
That's how they ended up in The Burrow.
Molly was there when they arrived, and went running to the kitchen to bring food and their first aid kit. Sirius, now with no blood in his face, was telling her the events of the night (including the part when it was his birthday, winning a little cake from the kitchens), and Molly listened while cleaning Marlene´s wounds.
“Mind you, the ones who have the guts to act so bloody rude are the ones with less bravery in their hearts” She was saying, while the rest ate, watching her, “I tell you what, one of my little brothers is gay and he has more balls the half the man you fought against”
“I totally agree, Molly” Sirius said, “You had to see us, we were just dancing”
“Oh, I believe you love, it's all it takes to make them mad, and sometimes even less” She said, and started gesturing towards Remus, who stood up and walked there, “You can stop applying ice now honey, but let me…”
She put a pomade in his eye, and then he smiled.
“So, how long have you guys been dating?” She asked, looking at Sirius and then Remus. They heard James choking with his food, and Lily snorted.
“Oh no- “
“We are not- “
“We are just friends” Remus finished.
“Oh” Molly said, surprised, “I´m sorry, I just assumed”
Nobody said anything after that, and everyone just ate their food while Molly finished with Mary´s hands. And then James burped and Lily scolded him, and then everybody laughed and started talking about the night they just had. With the help of the food, the alcohol was wearing and then the exestuation came. And soon enough, after saying their goodbyes and promising to come back, they were at Hogwarts again.
When they came back two days later, the rainbow flag was hanging, and Remus watched Sirius trying to hide a little tear.
It was just the three of them this time (they decided that they needed boys' time) and they chose the same spot they were sitting two nights before. Molly waved at them from the bar when she was, and they waited for her.
“Welcome back boys, it's nice to see you in daylight and with no blood on” she said.
“Hello there Molly,” James said.
“It was a nice touch, the flag,” Remus said with a sincere smile.
“Oh, well, I don't know why we didn't put it before, I guess we hadn't really thought of how it would help to create a safer environment around here” She said, “Besides, my brother started working here and you know, I want to be supportive”
“I think it's great,” Sirius said.
“Oh, he's here if you want to say hi” She said, looking at Remus who immediate blushed, “You are just his type”
“Eh…” Remus didn't know what to say.
“Oh, just meet him before you leave, yeah?” She said, and before he could say anything, “What can I get you?”
Remus didn't have intentions of going after Molly´s brother. He was doing pretty good on his own, with all that pinning for your best friend thing, and really hadn’t thought of getting a distraction. But then Molly´s brother went and talked to another table, and Molly looked at him from the bar and raised his eyebrows, and fine, Molly´s brother was hot. And Remus had seventeen years old, and he knew Sirius was a lost cause so. He wanted to have fun.
So, when they were about to leave, he went and talked to him, for maybe more than it was appropriate. And when he got out of The Burrow to meet his friends, he did with Fabian´s number in his phone, and a very dumb smile and a very nice feeling that, well, it obviously didn´t compare to what he felt when he looked at Sirius, but it was nice, it was something, and it made him feel good.
And when Sirius looked at him with angry eyes, like he had just committed a crime, or when Sirius didn’t talk to him for the three following days, he didn't even care. Because the feeling of being wanted by someone was a new one, and one he thought he would never get tired of.
*
Sirius was waiting outside the Burrow. He let Remus pay the bill at the counter while he went looking for the bike. He was on the phone, and Remus knew it was James because, who else? Sirius said goodbye when he spotted Remus.
“James sends love,” he said, handling the helmet.
“That's nice of him” Remus said sitting in the bike, “You called him?”
“I did” And that was it, “So, did he ask you out?”
“Are we going to start fighting again?”
“I'm asking politely” Sirius said, laughing, “I just want to know, I won’t comment on it”
“Well, yes, he did actually” Remus said, putting the helmet on, “He wants me to go to his flat this Saturday”
“Are you going?” They were driving now, “I won't mind if you let me alone, honestly, I can handle myself”
“I know you can” Remus said, “But I don't know yet”
“Yet?” Sirius asked, stopping at the red light. Remus was happy to see his friend deciding to agree with the lights this time, “what are waiting for?”
“A valid reason not to go”
When they arrived, it was hotter than the morning. The summer was ending, but there were days like these where the windows had to be open or either they would die. So, they opened them, and then Sirius sat in the toilet, shirtless and instructed Remus how to take care of his wounds.
“I´m also going to put you this cream, I used to put it on so the scars weren't so visible” he told Sirius. He just nodded, “I´ll give it to you when you go to yours, you will have to keep applying it for a month”
“Thank you”
Sirius was very quiet since the ride home and Remus was afraid. Maybe he had said too much, but honestly, the lines with Sirius always felt so blurred, he didn't know where to stop. And besides, Sirius was always saying things like that, always in that serious tone (ha) and then not doing anything about it, and Remus was just tired. He was always the one staying up late wondering what had meant, it was Sirius´s turn now.
They spend the rest of the day laying in the bed, and then the sofa. They didn’t really talk to each other, each one immersed in their thoughts and activities; in Remus' case, it was reading the book that he couldn’t read in the morning, and in Sirius, he was reading the old copy of Maurice that Remus owned.
He realised how much time had passed when he felt the need to turn on the lights; the sun was almost gone and it was six in the afternoon.
“Shit, it's late,” he said. Sirius was on the sofa, face down, and the copy of Maurice seemed forgotten, because he was looking at the wall instead of the book.
“What time is it?” He asked.
“Six twenty-two”
“That will explain why I am so hungry,” Sirius said, getting up the sofa and stretching his arms, making his shirt rise. Remus looked away.
“You want me to order something? Or we could go to the cafeteria” He offered.
“Mm, cafeteria” He said slowly, walking to the bathroom, “Let me get a quick shower first”
“Sure” Remus said, looking at him.
Sirius was being weird, like if talking was a very hard thing to do and he started to get scared about the mental state of his friend, maybe staying in all day wasn't what he needed? Maybe they should have done something more fun, something more… distracting? But he wasn’t James, he couldn’t just take him out to play football or something. He was quiet and he liked staying in and watching movies or reading books and Sirius did not.
Fuck.
He started planning the next day immediately. Maybe a picnic in the park? Was that too close to the romantic field? They could go riding in the bike to the river, they could look for a party at night, it was going to be Friday night after all, they could…
“You didn’t move in all this time?” Sirius was in front of him now, hair wet and a towel around his waist.
“Of course, I did, I just happened to be here again” He lied. He looked at Sirius, looking for that weird look again, but he looked… calm. No, it wasn’t calm, it was determined.
“Right” He took his backpack and took some trousers and a clean shirt, “I’m going to change and we can go, or you want to go later?” Now that he was relieved to see him fine again, his mind started to react to the fact that he had an almost naked Sirius in front of him.
“We can go now” Was all that he managed to say.
“Great, I´m tired”
They choose his food in silence. More like, Sirius talked and joked while Remus just smiled or laughed. They sat at a table just the two of them, avoiding all the people in the room. They weren't much, but they didn’t want to share either.
“You're quiet” Sirius said, after a while. Remus swallowed his salad.
“Am I?”
“Yes”
“I´m sorry”
“It's okay, it´s something bothering you?”
Was it? Yes. Sirius´s relaxed face for a star. He looked so troubled the whole afternoon and then he just got in the shower and got out with a new confidence and it was driving him crazy. What the hell happened in that shower? What was Sirius so determined about? And why was Remus´s skin crow? The shirt Sirius decided to use was another thing, wasn’t it one a bigger size? Or at least one that didn’t make his shoulders and chest look so…
Remus stabbed his salad with more force than he had intended to.
“No, I was just thinking” He lied, “Do you want to do something more fun tomorrow?”
“What do you mean?” Sirius asked, sending a concerned look at Remus´s salad.
“I don’t know, maybe you wanted to do something different, less… depressing”
“But I had a great time today,” he said, confused. Remus was too.
“You did?”
“Of course I did,” He said, smiling, “do you have any idea how long I haven’t got the chance to just sit and do absolutely nothing?
“Was your summer that busy?” He asked, now interest. Sirius had not said anything more about home.
“Fucking yes” He said laughing, “meeting every morning, helping father in the office… bloody crazy, I couldn’t stop for a minute”
“Except for Sundays”
“Yeah”
“Okay, but if you do want to do something different just say so, all right?”
“I will”
So Remus didn’t push the issue. If Sirius said that he was having fun, he was. He tried to relax while they ate the remainder of their dinner, and by the end of the salad he had managed to laugh at two jokes Sirius did and he did it even genuinely. There was nothing he could do with Sirius´s deep stare though.
“I'm going to take a shower” Remus said when they came back. He didn't even wait for Siris´s response and got in the bathroom, “I would like to you to have the same effect on me, please” he said to the shower.
The hot water did relax him. But it was the first aid box he now had in his bathroom that actually had an effect in him. Because it reminded him of why Sirius was here: he was hurt, he was alone and he needed help. He didn't need Remus, and his feelings and his hopes and dreams. So even if there was something else going on, (with a big emphasis in the if) what Sirius needed was a Remus with his head in making him being okay. And if Sirius would like to… do something else, it was going to be in his hands. Remus decided, maybe for the first time in his life, to let things just happen.
Sirius was already in bed when he got out. He had the Maurice copy in his hands again, being lit by the desk lamp. He didn’t even ask, he just got into bed with him, and Sirius placed himself once again against his chest.
“How are you liking it?” He asked, eying where in the story Sirius was.
“It's nice” He said, “Can you read it to me?”
“You are going to fall asleep” He warned, but took the book either way.
“I know,” Sirius said, yawning, “It's the idea. I tried to fall asleep while you were in the shower but I couldn't. There's just…” he vaguely gestured towards his head, “so much noise”
“Okay” Remus said with a small voice, feeling his heart break once again. Sirius seemed even more troubled at night.
Remus only had to read two paragraphs to get Sirius to sleep. He turned off the light and left the book on the floor. He turned a little to Sirius´s side, hugging him close and burying his face in his head. It smelled like him because he was using his shampoo, but it also smells like Sirius, because he had to buy his curls products when they were in the pharmacy. And Remus got it, Sirius with his curls not done was just… wrong.
Sirius hair, and Sirius smell, and Sirius body against him were the last things he thought that night before he, too, was lost in his dreams.
*
Sirius was already awake when we woke up. They were facing each other, only legs intertwined and Sirius was stroking his hair. And since he was just letting things happen, Remus just smiled.
“Good morning,” he said.
“Hi” Sirius smiled back, but it wasn’t as bright as always.
“Sleep well?” Sirius nodded, eyes lost in Remus´s hair, “Everything all right?”
“I…” Sirius sigh and looked at him, “I didn’t just came to college earlier”
“You mean…” Remus was lost.
“I mean, I didn’t tell them that I was going to come here earlier. I mean, I was, I am but I didn’t… It wasn’t like, like oh I’m going now, we´ll see each other on Christmas”
“How was it then?”
“It was like…” He took a deep breathe, “Like I leave, for good”
“Shit”
“Yeah”
“What happened?”
“I didn't lie with the Maurice thing” he said, “she was really mad and then they… they punished me and I was in bed until Thursday. And all I could think of was James, out with his family having bloody vacations, and of you, here spending your days reading or doing whatever you want, and I thought that’s what I am supposed to be doing, but instead I´m in bed, bleeding because I saw a movie were two men loved each other” If Remus hadn’t been so paralyzed, he would have cleaned the quiet tears in Sirius´s face, “So I left, because I was fucking tired. I told Regulus… I told him he could come with me but he's just… I mean he’s not like them but he's not like me either, so”
He cleaned the tears now.
“He never wanted to be out, not really,” Remus agreed.
“Yeah, but like… he´s still in danger so” Sirius took a deep breath, “Well, no really because they never touched him, the only danger he is in is of being fucking brain washed but I reckon he already is”
“He's also and adult, Sirius” Remus said, “you are both capable of making decisions”
“Yes, but he's not really making a decision if he doesn’t have other choice”
Remus was quiet for a second.
“But he did, Pads” Sirius´s face was hurt, but he needed to hear this, “you gave him another choice, and he stayed there the same. I know that it's easier to view this like he is a victim without choices, I know that seeing things that way hurts less, but it's just not true. He had choices, he still has them, he could leave any time if he wanted to”
“I know he could but it's just… hard for him”
“It was hard for you too, Sirius”
“No, it wasn’t”
“Sirius” He touched his face, “You could've left so much earlier, and I’m not saying this as a critic, I´m just saying facts; James has been offering you to go to his parents since we were thirteen years old”
“I know” He said, “but I didn’t”
“No, because it's not an easy thing to do”
“It's really not” He said, really crying now, “And I want to stop hating myself for staying for so long”
Remus pulled him on top of him, covering his head and letting him hide his face in his neck. They stayed like that for what felt like hours, just Remus stroking his hair and letting him cry, and let it all out.
“It's okay, it's okay” He lost count of how many times he repeated it, but at one point it must have been enough because he felt him rather than heard him stop crying. He stopped moving and he wrapped his arms tightly around Remus.
“I'm sorry” he said, voice drowning in Remus´s chest.
“You don’t have to apologise” He said, and tried to make him watch him, “Hey”
“Hey” Sirius said, and Remus cleaned his tears. Sirius didn't break eye contact, “I must look horrible”
“You look as nice as always, '' Remus said, knowing very well that Sirius was definitely fishing for compliments, but if it was what made him feel better…
“Oi, just nice?” He looked offended, “I´ve been told beautiful, exquisite, gorgeous, stunning-”
“Alright, I get it, your ego is the size of your mansion” Remus said, but he was smiling.
“Mm, I wouldn’t say my mansion, first of all because it's not mine anymore” he said while he leaned over his elbows, still over Remus, “But I would say it´s the size of my dick which is saying something…”
“Okay, are you sure you don't want to keep crying a little more?” Remus said, face red, and Sirius in top of him not helping, “You were so much quiet”
“Mm, no, I would prefer if we keep talking, especially if it implies you blushing”
“I hate you” Remus said, pushing him at the wall side, “and you love when I blush”
“You have no way of knowing that” Sirius said, but he was clearly scared, being caught up lying.
“You told me so years ago, when you were drunk”
“Oh my god” Sirius said, covering his face with his hands when the blush started to appear.
“Oh, who´s blushing now?” Remus said laughing.
“I can’t believe I told you that!” He said, ignoring Remus' laugh.
“You have said so much more sober…” Remus commented, looking at the ceiling, “And this is what makes you feel ashamed?”
“Shut up Moony”
So, he stopped talking, and stayed like this, a smile in his face imitating the one Sirius was hiding behind his hands. He slowly took them out, levelling a not-more blushed face and a now calm expression.
“I knew I was going to be alright if I came here” He said, quietly, “You always make me feel so good”
“Didn't have many options, though…” Remus said, shyly looking at his hands.
“But I could've gone to Alphard´s” He said, “Andromeda said she would always take me in if I needed to too”
“Oh” Remus looked at him now, surprised, “But you didn’t”
“I didn’t “
A beat. Sirius didn't do anything. So Remus changed the subject.
“Can I say something? It's not a bad thing I just don't want to make you cry again” He asked, and Sirius nodded, “I just hope you know that you don't have to blame yourself for waiting so long to leave. I know I said Regulus isn’t a victim, but he kind of is, and you are too. And I´ll need you to start being nicer and less hard on yourself, okay?”
“But-”
“No. You´ll stop talking so bad about my best friend, got it?” Remus' look was hard, and determined and Sirius felt like he was slowly breaking down.
“Got it”
“Now, what do you want to do today?” Remus asked, feeling more loose now, placing himself face up in the bed. He felt Sirius getting closer, putting his head on his shoulder.
“Is it okay if I just stay in bed?” He asked sounding like a little boy again, “I just don't feel like doing nothing”
“Yeah, that's all right” He said, “I got to clean the wounds first though. And have some breakfast”
“Yeah, fine”
So, Remus went looking for some toast and cereal, while Sirius stayed in bed, and when he came back, they both headed to the bathroom. Sirius took off his shirt and Remus was glad to see the scars were looking better now.
“Stay with you back up for a while, yeah?” Remus said when he watched Sirius walking towards the bed.
“You little shit, you just want to see my butt”
“Fuck off”
*
Remus spent the last months of his last year in Hogwarts studying maths.
If you asked him, he would tell you that the Maths competitions were a very important subject to him and, alright, it was; he became so immense in it that it ended up being his number one priority. But it wasn't one at the beginning. It was just another distraction.
And, if he thought about it, he could blame it all on Fabian Prettigrew.
See, he was supposed to be the distraction. With his nice hands, and cheerful laugh and he… No, his personality didn't help actually. Because his personality was a very bad one, and his personality suddenly stopped talking to Remus after a few weeks of hooking up.
So now, Remus didn't have another thing to think instead of Sirius, and Sirius´s hands, and cheerful laugh and Sirius´s personality, and the way he always waited for him in line in the cafeteria, or the way he always save a sit for him in history class because it was their earliest class and Remus always overslept. And the way he…
Yeah, he needed a distraction. So, when his maths teacher suggested him to be in the team, he didn't even though it twice.
But then, a few months later, in the last week of school, he was sweating in a green team t-shirt, trying to win so he could feel like he hadn't wasted the last months of school for nothing.
And it would be fine, honestly, losing would've been fine if it wasn’t because he was alone when he did it.
The two reserved seating chairs for James and Sirius were empty, and he didn't know why.
He tossed the shit on the floor of their bathroom when it was over. They weren´t in they room, and who the fuck care. They could be dying, for all he knew and he just didn't care. It was always the same, we´re there for each other as long as it didn’t include them being there for Remus.
James was there when he got out of the bathroom. He looked concerned, and then was surprised to see Remus there. Like if it wasn't my bloody room too.
“What are you doing here?” James asked, sitting in his bed.
“It's my room, innit?”
“Yes, I know I mean” He sighed, “The nationals…”
“We lost” He simply said.
“Shit, I´m sorry Moony”
“It's fine”
It wasn’t, and they both knew it. He hadn´t slept for the last week, his mind only worked for one thing: numbers. He hasn’t even been much with his friends because of it, and they have been really supportive about it, everyone has something we really care about, James had said.
“Hey listen, I´m sorry I didn´t make it” James began, “But at least Sirius was there and-“
“He wasn't,” Remus whispered, trying very hard not to sound upset.
“What do you mean?” James said, sitting up, “He said he was going there”
“Well he di-“
“I'm going to kill him,” James said, pacing. Remus was very confused now.
“It's not that big of a deal, really-“
“Yes, it is!” James said, “He had been a total git about it and I told him, you better be there for him you bloody idiot”
“Well you weren't there either” Remus said. He didn't know why he was defending Sirius so hard. He knew James was right, of all of his friends, Sirius was the one who was mad at Remus for spending so much time studying. But Remus had just ignore it, just like he ignored every childish attitude.
“And I said I´m sorry, something came up” James said, tone still hard, “But he doesn't have an excuse, he's just being mean”
“What came up?” Remus asked. James looked away.
“Lily” He said, and he at least sounded ashamed.
“Oh, oh right, sorry” He teased, “I forgot now she's your girlfriend It's like she´s the Sun”
“It's not like that!” James said, “And I know this was important to y-"
"I know it was fucking important to me, but I had to go there alone, and loose alone with nobody saying to me It´s okay Remus, you did your best”
“But you did your best!” James said, “You don't need me to tell you that”
“Maybe I do!” He said, “Maybe I need my best friend to be proud of me!”
James stilled, and then he sighed.
“I am Moony” He got closer, “I really, really am”
Remus just looked at the floor.
“Hey, I´m sorry, okay?” James tried again, “I know I should´ve been there, but Lily… it doesn’t matter. You´re always so independent Remus and you insist on doing all of these things alone and I just tough… Maybe you just didn't needed me so much”
“Well, maybe I don't want to be independent, okay?” Remus said, now looking at his friend, “And I know, I know sometimes I act like I do, or like I don´t care if you are there or not or if I… I don 't know I´m just not as independent as you think. I need some stuff too sometimes”
“Okay” James said, “Like a hug? You need a hug right now?”
“Maybe” he said, and then James hugged him, “I will try to be more specific with the thing I need”
“It would be nice if you opened up a little bit more, yeah” James said, “But it's not an excuse. You would've been there even if I didn't asked and you wouldn't leave me for your boyfriend so”
“It's okay” He sigh, “It take you so long to convince her that you weren't an asshole, and to be fair, she always was your Sun, girlfriend or not"
James smiled.
"Yeah, I know"
The door knocked two beats later.
"Hide the weed," James whispered. "Who is it?" He asked, louder.
"It's me, just open" It was Sirius's voice. Remus and James looked at each other confused. He sounded wrong.
Then they opened the door and they knew why; he was clearly crying.
"Fuck" James said, and then took him by his arm and put him inside., "What happened?"
"Shit, Moony I´m so sorry" It was the first thing he said, while James sat him in his bed and put a blanket over him. And then he started crying again.
"It's fine Sirius, just tell us what's going on" Remus said, anger forgotten, and he sat beside him in the bed. James was hugging him by the head, like a fucking bear but Sirius didn´t seem to be upsed by it.
"Father called today" He explained, "To let me know that I´ll be in France in two weeks"
"But-"
"Yeah, I know," Sirius interrupted, "And I tried to tell him, but... I couldn't- I just couldn't defend myself. I'm so angry I didn't say anything. But they promised me, they said that I was free this summer, and..."
"Hey, it's not your fault" James said, letting him go finally, "You know what could happen if you confront him"
"I know but we made all this plans and-"
"And we have a summer every year, Sirius" Remus said, "We can travel any other summer, but we can´t do that if you´re being grounded"
"I know but-"
"No, stop it"
Sirius took a breath.
"And I was an asshole to you all these weeks, and then I didn't even go to the competition and I know I let myself be this cunt because I thought I was going to have all summer to make it up to you... And you don't deserve that. And I know you lost so, I´m really really sorry"
Remus and James looked at each other.
"Okay, you guys don't need me for this part so I'm just going to-"
James left.
"You were a cunt, that´s true" Remus said once they were alone, "And I´m tired to make excuses for you of why you´re being so fucking mean all the time"
"I know"
"But you´re not mean all the time, you just has been" Remus said, "And you always are, like, a month before we have to come back home"
"But I didn't know I was coming back home I thought-"
"Maybe you didn't" He said, "But I know that you have been waiting for something like this to happen, waiting for them to call you and tell you that you have to come back. Because that's what they do, they put the candy right in front of you, and wait ´till you're all excited to eat it, and ´till you're hungry and then, they take it"
"I was so afraid," He whispered.
"I know, I noticed" Remus said, "And I wished I had said something earlier but I was so into the competition and-"
"Oh, no it was not your responsibility" Sirius said, "And besides, I was kind of avoiding you so, even if you did i would have probably just... hit you or something"
Remus laughed, "You would never"
"You don't know that!" Sirius said, smiling too, " I was so mad"
"And why was that, huh?" Remus asked, "Because you were a cunt this days, but especially with me"
"I'm just so jealous of your massive intellect," He said, dead serious.
"Don't try to escape this with jokes"
"Okay, fine, I was mad because you weren't spending time with me" He said, "You went from spending all your free time with that asshole I'm not going to name, and then-"
"I was not spending all my time with him-"
"But you were! And it´s fine, I get it, it's fun I have done it too-"
"Oh Lord, shut up"
"But I felt left out, and it seem like you were purposely avoiding me"
Remus went silent, he didn't know what to do because he was purposely avoiding him.
"I... kind of were"
"Oh" Sirius said, "I mean, I´m not surprised I just... sometimes I think that's all in my head"
"Sometimes it´s, but not this time, I´m not going to lie to you" He said carefully, "But I´m not mad, okay?"
"Okay..."
"I just- I just needed... I don't know"
"Space?"
"Well-"
"No, It's fine" Sirius said, "I´m not playing the victim, I promise but I get it, I was getting really annoying with the Fabian stuff"
Remus got quiet. That was not it, but, still, what could he say?
"I´m just... I don´t know, I don't really have an excuse" Sirius continued, "And I´m not going to make one, or ask you to make one, so, I´m just going to say that I´m sorry, and I was being selfish and just because I think that someone you´re with is a cunt, it doesn't mean I can act like a child"
"I was not with him, tought, and I am definitely not now either"
"Oh" Sirius said, "I didn't know that" He was really quiet now, playing with his hands, "You didn't tell us"
"I didn't tell you, but James knew, I thought that he would tell you, '' Remus said, honestly surprised.
"Well he didn't" Sirius sounded... not mad but... weird, "Why didn't you tell me?"
"Because"
They both looked at each other in silence.
"Because?" Sirius asked.
"Look, I wasn´t even going to tell James, but he found me fucking crying like a baby in the bathroom- " Remus said.
"You were crying?" Sirius said, standing up, "Why the fuck were you crying? What did he do?"
"Please calm down" Remus said, hands in his eyes, "This is exactly why I didn't tell you, you´re freaking out"
"Yeah, no shit!" Sirius said, paising around the room like a lunatic, "Remus, what the fuck did he do?"
"If you think that I´m going to talk to you like this, you are really wrong, so if you really wanna know-"
"Okay, fine, I´m good" He said, sitting in the bed like a proper lady, legs crossed and hands over the lap. Remus looked at him, mad.
"He just dumped me, Sirius, is not that deep" He said, tired.
"You said you weren't together"
"Well, you know what I mean" Remus said, trying to sound hard and not sad.
"I really don't-"
"We just aren't shagging anymore, okay?"
Sirius went silent.
"Oh, okay" He said, quietly.
"But I'm fine now so..." Remus stopped to look at Sirius, who looked extremely disturvbed, "What?"
"Nothing jut..." He got up again, "Nothing, sorry-"
"Did you- Did you not think we were sha-"
"Uh?" Sirius was looking everywhere like he was trapped in his mind, "Oh, no yeah I knew that"
"Because-"
"You are fine now, then?" Sirius asked, "It's over so... he is not hurting you anymore?"
Remus went silent trying to process the sudden change of mood.
"I... am, yeah"
"Okay" He sigh, "Well, it's fine, I get that you need time, I was never a fan of him, so, I would not react nice"
"Yes..." Remus was still confused, "Are you... are you okay?"
"Me? Perfect" Sirius smiled but he knew it was a false one, "Perfect, perfect, perfect"
"If you say so," Remus said.
"I do"
"Okay"
"Okay"
*
The day went on. Remus finished his book, notebook now covered in annotations and diagrams and stuff he was probably never going to understand again, but he was happy, he didn't have anything more to read now, he was set. Sirius stayed in bed, Maurice in his hands, and a cup of tea that just like Remus´s was refilled once an hour. Lunch was brought too, and was shared in Remus´s bed, while Sirius and him discussed Maurice (the book and the movie).
It was late in the afternoon when Remus´s phone rang. They were in Remus´s bed, both with their backs against the wall watching a YouTube essay about classic gay literature. The phone was between the both of them, so they both saw the text Fabian had sent:
Hey, I should wait for you tmw then?
They both went silent. Sirius didn’t even act like he didn’t read it, he just looked at Remus.
“What?”
“I didn´t said a thing”
“Yeah” Remus muttered, disappointed.
“Now you want me to say something?” Sirius said, frowning.
“No, It's not… Never mind” he said, taking the phone and putting it on the other side of the bed.
“Hey” Sirius said, and took his other hand is his, “It's fine if you want to go, I told you I'd be all right alone”
“Yeah, I know,” Remus said but he was distracted. He looked down at his hand, and Sirius´s hand on top of his, and intertwined his fingers. Suddenly, it was like all he could feel was their hands, the places where they touched, the heat between them.
Someone to hold your hand. The phrase repeated in his head over and over.
“But you don’t want me to go” He said, slowly, “You want me to have someone to hold hands with”
“I do” Sirius said, and he had a smile on his lips but it wasn’t a happy one.
Oh.
“You are holding my hand” Remus said, almost whispering.
“Oh”
Sirius looked down. The smile didn't disappear, it just grew bigger.
“I am” He sighed, and then a beat, “Do you think there's some type of relationship in which we could hold hands and cuddle and stuff and still be friends?”
Remus blinked.
“Well, I am not an… expert” He coughed, “But I believe the type of relationship you're describing is not a platonic one” he said carefully.
“No, it's not” Sirius said, totally calm, “Would you be interested in having that type of relationship? With me, I mean”
“With holding hands and cuddles and- “
“Romantic stuff” Sirius finished.
“Romantic stuff” Remus repeated, a slow smile in his lips, “Are you really asking me this?”
“Of course, Moony,” Sirius said, smiling back, frown insisting. Remus smiled back.
“Are you dumb or something?” Remus said. Sirius laugh and throw himself on top of Remus, making him hit the head against the wall, “Oi, that hurt”
“Shut up” Sirius said and then he kissed him.
They were laughing at first but then they were not. It was funny at first and then, then Sirius put his hands around Remus´s face, and Remus pushed Sirius closer by his low back and then it wasn’t funny anymore. It was intense and Sirius smelled like him but he also smelled like Remus and it was driving him crazy. Sirius was gentle. He stroked his thumb against Remus´s cheek and gently parted Remus´s lips with his tongue. The kiss depended and Sirius moaned before starting to kiss all of Remus´s face.
“You are so pretty, '' he said, leaning back. They were the same high this way, “I can't believe this. All this time, all I had to do was hold your bloody hand and tell you to just stop fucking around”
“Shut up, shut up” Remus said, between kisses. He finally made him stop talking when he bit Sirius´slip and then Sirius wasn't so calm anymore.
Sirius pressed down in his lap then, and it was Remus´s turn to moan, but the noise was lost in Sirius´s mouth. He felt like he was going to faint, his head spinning, his lips wet and his hips begging him to do something. But Sirius´s hips must´ve been saying just the same thing because after a few seconds he started to move. Back and forth, back and forth.
“Fuck” Remus said, having to come out to breathe, but still kissing Sirius’s neck. He just couldn’t put it away.
“Is this, okay?” Sirius asked, stopping for a second. Remus just nodded, looking him in the eyes now. They were dark, and big and Remus could swear he was going to cry when he finished. He just knew it. The feeling was too much, everything was too much. Sirius and him and…
And Remus´s phone rang.
“If it´s Fabian, I swear” Sirius said, not stopping for a second, and getting closer to kiss him again. Remus looked down.
“It´s James,” he said, taking his phone. But before he could answer, Sirius tossed it on the other side of the room, and it landed on the couch.
“He can wait” he said, one of his hands now down in Remus´s pants, putting down the zip.
“He's going to have a panic attack if I don’t take that”
"I'm going to have a panic attack if we keep waiting for this" Remus kissed him hard, and let him put down his pants. He helped him put down his too and then he couldn’t think of anything for the next few minutes.
When they both finished, (without tears, thank you very much) cursing and kissing, they stayed like that, on top of each other, trying to get their breaths back. When he managed a sort of normal breath, he put his briefs on again and walked to the sofa, to take his phone.
“You bloody cunt” was the first time James said, “Where the hell were you and why didn´t you answer you fucking phone?
“I'm so sorry James” he said, looking at Sirius, thrown in his bed, naked head to toe. He wasn’t really sorry, “We were buying some stuff and I left it here”
“Dickhead” He said, “Are you two trying to kill me?”
Remus put him on speaker while he walked to the bed, tossing Sirius´s trousers into his head. Put them on, he gestured. Then he sat beside him.
“Jamie darling hi” Sirius said, while he was putting his pants on, “I´m so sorry we made you worried, please don't be angry”
“Don't use your traumatised beaten child voice at me, Sirius Black” James said, and Remus snorted.
“That was mean”
“Did something happen, Prongs?” Remus asked, interrupting what he knew was going to become a friendly fight.
“No, I just wanted to know how you guys were going I didn't have news for neither of you since yesterday” He said, calm but clearly still angry, “I just wanted to make sure you haven’t killed each other”
“You don´t have to worry about that” Sirius said, stupid smile in his face. Remus wanted to punch it, and then kiss it, “We are just fine. Sorry I didn't call, I spend all day reading”
“What did you do to him, Moony?” James asked
“Cunt” Sirius said.
“What were you reading?”
“Maurice,” he said.
“Oh, it's a classic, did you watch the movie?” James said and then Remus started laughing.
“There's no way everybody knew about this book except for me,” Sirius said, “Stop laughing!”
“You didn't know?” James asked, “Sirius, it´s a gay classic, if not the gay classic”
“Well, I didn't know, okay?” Sirius say, annoyed, “And I did watch the movie”
“I´m just surprised that´s all, you being so gay and all” James said making Sirius roll his eyes, “And I’m happy to know you´re okay. You sound more than okay, actually, I´m starting to think you really enjoy Remus´s company”
James was teasing, like he always did, but now Remus was starting to realise that James clearly knew something.
“Don’t you have a girlfriend to call?” Sirius asked, acting bored.
“I already did” James answered, cheery, “It was a very fun call”
“I really don't want to hear anything about that call, Prongs' ' Sirius said, and Remus leaned against the wall again, happy to leave the conversation to both of them.
“Just because you don’t get any-”
“Phone sex it´s not getting- “
“It does not mean you have to be so boring-”
“And who said I don’t- “
“Okay” Remus said before Sirius could say more, “We are so happy for you and Lily, Prongs, keep masturbating with her voice. Can we hang up now? We have things to do”
“Oh, do you now?” James said, and they could hear the smile on his face.
“Yes, we are going out and you´re making us late” Ramus said, “So now that you now that we are alive and well, we´ll speak to you tomorrow”
“Jesus, all right” He sigh, “Until tomorrow, my loves”
“Goodbye my cutie pie!” Sirius screamed, “Are we going out?” He asked, once the call ended.
“If you want to” Remus said, getting up and walking to the bathroom, “I want to take a shower before we do anything though”
“Okay”
“Would you like to come?”
“Was that a double meaning question?”
“Just get in the shower”
*
They decided that they had spent enough time inside the room for one day, so after a shower, some more kisses among other distractions, the both of them were sitting in Remus´s bed, trying to find a place to eat.
“I want something fun like… with experimental food” Sirius said, going through his backpack, looking for a shirt, “or like we can just walk and eat something of every street food we find”
“Only you could find that appealing” Remus murmured, blocking his phone, “I’m down”
“You're awesome” Sirius said, and then smiled even more when he found the shirt he was looking for. It wasn’t a new one, it was the one Remus gave to him on his eighteenth birthday.
“You are not going out with that shirt” he said standing up and taking it out of his hands. Sirius fought back, but with a smile in his face, “Stop it, they are going to kick your ass”
“It would make you kick my ass?” He asked, playing innocent batting lashes and all. Remus looked down at him, “Please?”
“Not if you are all beating up” he said but he was starting to sound more breathless. Sirius wrapped his legs around his hips and brought him closer, and it only took Remus a second to close the distance.
Sirius kissed him hard and slow and hard, and when he used the distraction to take the shirt out of Remus´s hands he didn't even complain. They broke the kiss when they were out of breath and Sirius put the shirt on.
“Sirius, really, you know what happened last time you wore it”
“That's because that was the wrong audience, what if we go to Soho?” He said while Remus played with his hair, still between his legs.
“Yeah, Soho´s okay” He replied leaning down to leave a peck in Sirius´s lips, “They probably still have all the stuff from Pride on” Remus went looking for a shirt for himself now.
“Oh”
“What?” Remus asked, turning around while putting in a deep green shirt.
“Nothing just… Pride” He had tears in his eyes, “I can go to Pride now”
Sirius never got the chance to go to Pride before. Because Pride was in summer, and summer was for the Black Family. He had intended to escape once, when they were nineteen, but by then his parents were aware of Sirius´s tendencies and the day of the parade he suddenly had twice the work he usually would. Plus, some marks on his back, just in case.
“You do” Remus said, smiling big, and then Sirius wiped his tears and ran through Remus, hugging him.
“Moony, we can go to Pride together!” He screamed, “We can kiss and all now!”
“We can hold our hands now” Remus said looking at Sirius, watching how his smile grew bigger, if it was possible. Sirius kissed him, hard.
“I can't believe I can do this now” He said, “Moony, you are like the best thing ever”
“Shut up”
“You are” He said, kissing him again, “Now, let me drive you to Soho and buy you questionable food, yeah?”
“Mm, alright”
*
Soho was bright. There were golden and rainbow lights still hanging, and a lot of people. It was the perfect summer night, and it still would even if it was raining because one Remus Lupin had one Sirius Black holding his hand, and stopping to kiss and buy food and… romantic stuff.
They were eating their third street food sitting in a bench when Remus remembered:
“Oh my god, Fabian”
“Wrong name sweetheart” Sirius said, mouth full of chips.
“No, I mean, I never texted him back,” he said, taking out his phone.
Hey, I should wait for you tmw then? was still unread and unreplied.
“Right, write this: hello ginger, I would love… no, don’t say that, wait. Again. Hello ginger, I know this would break your heart because my dick is something once you try it you just can’t live without…”
“You tried it once”
“And it was the best thing in my entire life” He said, smiling.
"Please shut up"
“Anyways, I was saying: but sadly, I had a boyfriend now, you know Sirius Black, don´t you? I know it won’t surprise you since he's the most handsome man alive, I believe GQ contacted him for the next issue…”
“Shut up already” Remus said, typing in his phone, “Done, we can move on now”
“What did you say?” Sirius asked, sipping his soda. They established earlier that it was a no-alcohol night.
“That my boyfriend wouldn’t like that”
“Oh, my” Sirius said, excessively shivering, “We can go back to your room now, I´m not hungry anymore”
“Eat your chips, Pads,” Remus said, with a grin on his face.
“So, are we going to use that term now?” Sirius asked after swallowing five chips at once, “boyfriends?”
“Did you or did you not ask me to be in a romantic relationship with you?”
“I know I did!” He said, “But then you just jump on me- “
“You were the one who- “
“And just take away my innocence and virtue- “
“I didn't know you had anymore left- “
“I saved myself for you, honey. '' Sirius lied, shamelessly. Remus laughed, loudly, “Why are you slut-shamming me with your laugh?”
“I'm not”
“You are!”
“I happen to like a lot the fact that you shag like mad since you discovered dicks!” Remus said.
“You do not” Sirius said acting annoyed but with a smile, “You were jealous”
“This was not what we were talking about!” Remus said, avoiding Sirius´s statement, “Do you want to be my boyfriend, yes or no?”
“Fine” Sirius said, rolling his eyes, but the smile only grew wilder, “I guess if you ask it so politely”
“Great, now because I know this is new for the two of us…” Remus sighed, “I just wanted you to know that I’m going to be a terrible boyfriend and you'll probably be one too but it's going to be okay, right?”
“Well, I mean, we are good at being best friends, right?” Sirius asked. Remus nodded, taking a sip of his soda, “And we are good at fucking?”
“We have the experience, that's for sure”
“Then I think that we´re going to do just fine”
“Alright”
“Can we discuss pet names now?” Sirius said, and Remus almost choked with his chips.
“Pet names?” He asked.
“I want you to call me Sun in the winter, butter of my bread, honey babe- “
“That doesn’t even…”
“My heart and soul… all at once” Sirius finished.
“Oh my god, you´re delusional”
“I will take that as a complement”
“Please don’t. Can we break up yet?”
*
“I think I want to start going to therapy” Sirius said the next morning.
He was once again shirtless in the bathroom, back facing Remus, who was healing his wounds-now-almost-scars. Remus stopped his hands when he heard Sirius´s words, and quickly started again.
“That's not a bad idea” he said, “I never wanted to suggest it but…”
“Yeah, I know” he looked down at his hands, “I think everyone had wanted to tell me to go”
“Not everyone” Remus said, “And It's not important. Even if they did, that's not the point. The point is, you want to go and that's amazing, and a really good sing”
“I just want to be better, I wanna be good,” he said, quietly. Remus walked around so he was facing him.
“Hey, look up” He said, taking Sirius´s chin up, “You already are”
“But I could be better,” he said, looking at him.
“Sure, everyone could” Remus said, taking his face between his hands, “But right now, you are doing your best and that's more than enough”
“Right now,” Sirius said, “What's going to happen when it's not?”
“We are going to worry about that when that time comes, all right?” Remus asked, and leaned down to leave a kiss in Sirius´s forehead, “Let's be focus in the present”
“Since when you became so… zen?” Remus chuckled.
“I´m not zen” He said, “Or I am, but only when it comes to you”
“That's amazing, you are just amazing” Sirius said taking one of his hands and kissing them, “I'm so lucky”
“I am too”
Saturday and Sunday were a blur, because they didn’t do much more than just stay in bed (or the sofa) all day and kiss, or shag or both or either. Because they had so much to talk about now that it was all out. They revised every moment in the early years of their friendships, and what things had meant and then they realised; they had been crazy about each other since pretty much the first day.
“No, since you went to school with that fucking shirt” Remus said, “I couldn’t understand why a family with so much money couldn´t afford a t-shirt with the right size”
“´cause that t-shirt was a secret one!” He explained, even though he knew Remus knew, “And I bought it two sizes smaller on purpose”
“Yeah, I know that”
“And then like, a week later you bloody git decided to come out!” Sirius said, “You can't come out at thirteen, with so many impressionable minds around you!”
“Oh, so I made you gay”
“Basically!” he said, “I was going through my comphet era and then you decide to plant that idea in my head of boys kissing other boys”
“Comphet- where did you even learn that term?” Remus laughed.
“I´m telling you! I was very confused and I had a lot of questions and then I talk to Marleen and she fucking sends me the Lesbian Manifest- “
“Oh my god…”
“She was practically my teacher”
“So, she made you gay”
Sirius blinked.
“I mean it was all because of you so…”
They also got out every night, wanting to take advantage that they only had two days alone until James came back, and then a few more before everyone else did, and then classes would start and… it just wouldn’t be the same.
So they went back at Soho, and ate the last street food that was left from the night before, and then they were window-shopping the afternoon after, ending in a very gay bar, so it was like home. They danced, and then they kissed some more and even did some inappropriate stuff in the bathroom too because, why not?
It was Sunday night now, and Sirius was packing his little backpack. James was going to get there tomorrow morning and he was going to wait for him in the airport.
“I can let you first in my flat and then I can go to take him and then we can all have a nice day together” Sirius said, packing frantically.
“Or you could let me here and have a nice day catching up with James,” he said from his bed.
“And why would I want to do that?” He asked getting closer to the bed, “That way I wouldn’t be able to kiss you all I want”
“James would be there”
“He won’t mind”
“So, we are going to tell him?” Remus asked, as Sirius sat in the middle of the bed, at Remus´s hips height.
“You don't want to?” He asked frowning, “You want this to be a secret affair? That's sexy”
“No, I don't want that I just… we didn't discuss- “
“There's not much to talk about, we both want to tell him, so we do”
“I-I guess “
“We won’t tell him yet if you're not ready” he said, hands pulling up and down Remus´s arms.
“I am” Remus said, “Really, I wasn’t expecting that you were thought”
“Why not?”
“I don’t know”
“You think I´m ashamed?”
Remus looked down.
“No, I don´t know”
“Moony…” Sirius frowned, “Hey, look at me” Remus did, “This-you, it´s like the best thing that happened to me since Adele said he was going to release a new album”
“Wow”
“I know, so imagine that”
“You were crying that day,” Remus said, smiling.
“And I cry every night watching you sleep,” he said.
“Now you're just lying”
“Oh, I wish I was sweetheart” Sirius said, stroking Remus´s hair, “But I'm not, I really do cry every night and I am not ashamed to admit it”
“You are out of your mind” Remus said but he was smiling. Sirius just shrugged, “You are the best thing that ever happened to me too, you know?”
“Since Adele?”
“Mm, more like since HBO announced a new Tolkien series” he said smiling.
“That much?!”
“That much”
So, when Sirius had his backpack ready, Remus made one for himself because he was going to stay the night (I’m not sleeping without you Moony).
“Sirius” he said later, when they had both finished.
“Yes?”
“How are we going to get into your flat?” He asked. Sirius looked confused.
“With my key…”
“The key that you don't have?” Sirius was silent, a little smile spreading, “What?”
“I may have lied about that”
“Jesus Chri-“
“It's just that being here with you is always so cosy-“
“You had the key all this time!”
“You should take it as a complement, really”
“You little prick, you just wanted an excuse to get in my bed”
“It's a compliment!”
The last street food in Soho was dumplings, and Sirius explained to Remus how to use the sticks, and then insisted on recreating the Kung Fu Panda scene. They were eating ice cream now (not from the streets but who was counting?), when Sirius sigh;
“I am afraid to tell him about us” He said, “Obviously not because I’m ashamed but… I don’t even know why it's not like he's my mom”
“But he sort of is sometimes” Remus reasoned.
“Yeah, and sometimes it´s like he's my dad too, I feel like he's going to throw some condoms at me and say be careful or whatever normal dads do” Sirius said, spooky but amused expression, “And it´s weird, but I get it, I had always wanted his approval it´s like he's my- “
“Your big brother” Remus finished.
“Yes” He sigh, “But he's not- “
“Yeah, he is,” Remus said with a sweet smile on his face, “You two are like family, and, if I'm being honest I´m afraid to tell him too, you know? It's the closest I’m ever going to be to meeting your parents, so… “
“You have nothing to be afraid of, I think he's more in love with you than I am if that's even possible…”
Remus stared at him.
“What did you just say?” Remus said, a slow smile forming.
“I- uh” Sirius smiled, “Fuck, that was not how I was supposed to tell you that”
“You know it's funny because you said romantic stuff and I was expecting actually romantic stuff, like… roses and teddy bears- “
“I can buy you a teddy bear”
“Not my point” He said, “You promised this romantic relationship and yet you are managing to say those very important things in the most casual way and I… I´m mean I am disappointed”
“You are so not disappointed” Sirius said, imitating Remus´s smile.
“I am, you lied to me and made promises-”
“Did I lie when I say my dick was the size of my ego?”
Remus sighed.
“You didn´t”
“Then you can’t be disappointed,” he said. Remus rolled his eyes.
“Whatever, you wanna hear something funny? The other day I was taking a shit and then I heard you burp in the other room and I thought to myself Jesus Chris, I love this man”
Sirius chocked in his fucking ice cream.
“You fucker!” He said, “You didn’t have to be so disgusting!”
“Mm, I didn't promise romanticism” he said.
“You are the worst and I love you too”
They kissed a lot more that night.
*
Monday came and Remus was sad to see Sirius leave his dorm. He knew it wasn’t like he was really leaving, but he was going to miss the last couple of days.
They didn’t have time for breakfast so Sirius drove him to his flat and left him to go pick up James, this time with James´s car (James loved Sirius´s bike but he had more luggage than necessary).
Once alone in James and Sirius´s flat, he began making breakfast. He wasn’t sure why he was so nervous; James was going to be fine. In Sirius words, James even had insisted more than once that Sirius just kiss him already and let me sleep.
So, James was going to be fine with it, he knew. But he still felt guilty, so he made the biggest breakfast he could, put it on the kitchen table like it was out of a cooking book. Once he was happy with that, he moved on to the living room.
There wasn’t really anything out of place, but a sweep couldn’t hurt and either dust off the superficies. And then Sirius’s bed wasn’t made properly, and James wasn’t either. And the sofa´s cushions weren’t that fluffy and… And then the door opened and James was there, with Sirius behind.
“Moony!” He said, running to him and tossing him on the couch, “I missed you so much, how was your mom?”
“Get off me” he said, and looked up to see a very amused Sirius.
“I'm sorry I missed your smell,” James said, separating himself and sitting against the cushions.
“You are so weird” Remus said, and then he smiles again, “I missed you too Prongs, and mom´s good”
“I'm glad to hear that- “
“You made breakfast!?” Sirius screamed from the kitchen. James ran.
“Oh my god Moony, you must feel so bad for not answering the phone that day” James said, sitting down while putting eggs in one plate.
“Yeah, that's why” He mumbled, sitting in the chair in front of him.
“What was that?” James said, mouth full of food. Sirius sat beside him, with a knowing smile on his face.
“Nothing. How was your flight?”
It was very easy to distract James when he had so many things to tell them (he always had things to tell them). So that phrase only unchained an unlimited series of stories that James barely finished before jumping in the next one. By the time they had finished breakfast, he had only covered the first three days of the trip (ten more left) and their stomachs hurt from how much they were laughing.
“So, Sirius said you were sleeping over” James said while he was washing up the dishes, “Should we have a little party?”
“Just the three of us or…”
“We are the only ones in town so” James said, “I was thinking… we still haven’t tried that pear liqueur”
“Not the pear-“
“I love your mind Jamie” Sirius said, “but I'm quitting”
James blinked.
“You are quitting fruits?” He asked.
“Alcohol, you twat” Sirius threw a towel at him. Remus watched the whole scene from the counter in front where he was sitting, “I don't want to drink anymore”
“Oi, you don’t have to get violent” James said, “It's good to hear that, mate you always become kind of a slut when you drink”
“I do not” Sirius did.
“You do,” Remus said immediately. Sirius looked at him.
“What side are you on?” He asked.
“Yours, but he's right” Remus said, “and that's not why you want to quit”
“No, it's not” He said, “I don´t know if you notice this but I’m an anxious person”
“No shit” James said.
“Sod-off” Another towel was sent to James´s direction, “As I was saying, I discovered, no I realised recently that drinking only makes me more anxious. So, I´m quitting it”
“That´s a really good idea, Sirius,” Remus said and now he really wanted to hug him.
“Okay, I´m quitting too,” James said.
“You don't have to, it's not like I am an addict- “
“Shut up, I wanna be supportive” James stopped him, “In this house we do not drink alcohol, period”
“Jesus Christ- “
“So, you will drink outside of the flat?” Remus asked amused.
“If Sirius isn’t there”
“You can drink in front of me!” Sirius insisted.
“What kind of friend would I be if I did?” James asked, hands full of soup with a glass between his hands.
“A normal one!” Sirius said, exasperated. Remus laughed.
“You know I’m not, so shut up” He said, “Remus, would you please look for all the alcohol in the flat and bring it here? I´m going to flush it”
“We have very expensive alcohol here, James” Sirius said while Remus got out of the counter, “Where are you going?”
“You hear James, we are going to flush all the alcohol”
Once the alcohol was gone, they sat on the sofa. Sirius by his side and James in front of them, suitcase open.
“So, I brought some gifts!” James said excitedly. He took a bag, it said Gucci.
“James, what the- “
“Shut up, Remus” Sirius said, now excited too.
“That's Gucci!”
“It's actually a joke-gift” James explained giving the bag to Sirius.
“Oh, you didn’t” he said opening the bag. A tracksuit was on it. It was beige with a very ugly print and blue and red lines in the sides, “It's so ugly”
They were laughing now, and Remus was lost.
“He…” Chuckle, “He said he was so good looking he would look hot in a Gucci tracksuit”, James explained.
“Oh god” Remus said, now starting laughing, “We´ll had to test the theory”
“You didn’t have to buy an original, James” Sirius said while he put on the jacket. Then he took off his trousers and put on new ones.
He looked ridiculous.
“Oh my god” Remus said, “You look like a Soundcloud artist”
“No, I don´t,” Sirius said, hurt.
“Yes- “Chuckle, “You do- “Chuckle, “You look so bad”
“But am I one of those hot Soundcloud artists?” Sirius asked, looking at Remus.
“The concept of hot Soundcloud artist does not exist” Remus said back. Sirius let his head back.
“You are hurting me Moony”
“It's the truth,” Remus said with a smile, shrugging.
“Oh my god” James said, suddenly.
They both looked at James. He was standing there, with another bag in his hand, paralyzed.
“What?” Remus asked, stupid smile still in his lips, but slowly fading after the look in James´s face.
James looked at him and then at Sirius and repeated the action at least three times.
“You're shagging”
It was their time to be quiet.
“You had to ruined it” Sirius said, finally, “I was waiting to have a nice conversation about this and you just let it out when I´m in this ridiculous outfit”
Remus started laughing.
“And we are not just shagging” Remus said, somehow really calm, “We are together”
James blinked.
“I think I need a moment,” he said.
Remus found Sirius' eyes already staring at his fear in them. But Remus wasn´t worried, he knew James was just being dramatic.
“Okay” He said finally, “This is brilliant”
“It… is?” Sirius asked, with his arms around himself.
“Of course! You don't think so?” James asked, with a smile.
“Of course I do, you arse” He said, “So you are not… mad of something?”
“Why on earth would I be mad?” He said, getting closer, “You are like the most obvious couple in the world. It was inevitable”
“Inevitable” Sirius repeated.
“Yes, Jesus, calm down and hug me please” So Sirius did, “You too Moony”
The hug lasted maybe more than necessary but it was okay, because Sirius was very happy now, still in the tracksuit. So, they sat on the sofa again, and Remus was free to put his arm around Sirius´s shoulder so he did. And James started giving his gifts again, not without glancing at them with a fond expression in his eyes.
Remus got a shirt that said I love DILFS, and Sirius said he couldn’t wear it until he was forty or either he was cheating. James also gave him a new edition of Maurice (I found it yesterday, it was fate). To go with the tracksuit, James gifted Sirius with a Gucci scarf that was somehow even more awful, and a box of strawberries and chocolate (Remus please don’t be mad, I’m not trying to conquer him), and he finally took one last box, this one more much little than the others.
“Okay, so this one it's not for any of you, I just had to show you this” James said, a serious expression. He took a small box out of the bag and opened it, revealing a ring.
“Oh my god” Remus said.
“You lost your mind,” Sirius said at the same time.
“I´m going to ask her to marry me”
Remus and Sirius were silent.
“Say something!”
“I- “Remus tried, “I think it's brilliant James, really”
“Jamie, you had outdone yourself” Sirius said, “That's the most beautiful ring I ever saw. And Lily´s going to be the luckiest woman”
“Are you crying?” Remus asked, turning to see his boyfriend who was, indeed, in tears.
“I love you Pads” James was crying too and on top of them now. Remus shaked his head, with an amused smile, “Would you like to be my groomsman?”
*
It was late in the night now, and they were watching a movie while the rest of the pizza got cold on the coffee table. Remus and Sirius were in the large sofa, spooning, and James was in one of the loveseats, a box of ice cream in his hands.
“James, would you stop the movie for a moment?” Sirius asked. Remus looked at him from above, he looked sad.
“Sure” James said and by the tone of his voice he had noted the change in mood too. He paused the movie.
“I have news,” Sirius said, and Remus wrapped his arms around him tighter.
Sirius told him everything he had said to Remus. The Sunday movie fiasco, and the punishment, the days he spent in bed until he decided it was enough. He talked about Regulus, and left him behind. He said he was sorry for not leaving soon. And James reacted like Remus had expected: he listened and he took the blame out of Sirius, and once again he reminded him that his home and family was always open to him. Sirius talked about going to therapy and James said he was going to help him find the right one. When Sirius finished, he looked very tired, and Remus suggested going to bed.
“Yeah, it's not a bad idea” Sirius said, slowly getting up, “I want a quick shower first”
“Okay” Remus said, “I'll be in bed in a minute”
Sirius went to the hallway and to the bathroom and James and Remus stayed there in silence for a second.
“I'm sorry I didn't told you everything” He told James, “I felt like it was something he had to share himself”
“Yeah, of course” James said, standing up “I´m sorry can we talk about this tomorrow?”
“Sure” Remus said standing up too, “Hey, come here” He hugged him, “He´s all right”
“He's not,” James said.
“I know, but he will be. He's strong” James put his chin on Remus´s shoulder so he felt when he nodded.
“Yes, he´s fucking strong” He agreed.
Sirius was still in the shower when Remus got in the room. He looked for his sleeping shirt in his bag and got in bed. He smiled, he was in Sirius bed, and now Sirius was going to get out, and they were going to kiss, and probably not more, because they were tired. But maybe tomorrow he would wake up to a still sleep Sirius, and he would stoke his hair and leave kisses all over his face until he wakes up, and then they would fuck around a little, and then probable fuck and that scene would repeat for months and months and Remus could wait for that to happen, he had waited his entire live.
But for now, when Sirius got in bed with him, hair wet and a tired smile on his face, he kissed him sweetly, and then they fell asleep, hands intertwined, holding each other.