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It started, as most things did in Harry’s life, with one of the most stupid ideas known to man.
A drinking game.
Harry’s friends could justify it by any means, his birthday, it being a full moon, but really…they just wanted to get fucked up.
I mean, who could blame them? Really? They had been fighting Voldemort for bordering 9 years of their life, so at the ripe age of 20, they simply wanted a fun night, even if it was confined to small area of 12 Grimmauld Place. And these poorly thought out choices led to the next series of unfortunate events…
Draco had been the first to pop open a bottle of firewhisky, cork flying across the room like a rocket, barely missing the large portrait of Walburga Black, freshly hung over the ornate fireplace. (Harry had to cast one of his strongest silencing charms to be able to shut her up). Then one drinking game led to another and…..they were all dressed as death eaters.
“OOhhh-ahah-hhh. I looook so smashingggg” Hermione giggled from her pose infront of the mirror. She of course, in true Gryffindor stupidness had decided to dress as the one and only Bellatrix Lestrange; her hair had been made even messier than normal and she wore accompanying tattered black robes to complete the look.
Ron stumbled over, “Hermioneeeeeeee! You were meant to dressss up as Voldemort sillllly! Not meeeeee”. Now, Harry thought, if this isn’t testament to how drunk they all were, he didn’t know what was. Ron, the poor soul, was covered head to toe in white face paint with little deathly hallows drawn all over his face. Of course, this wasn’t representative of how Voldemort looked now, long ago had he regained his youthful visage, but the sight of the old crusty white body sent everyone into a fit.
Luna was giggling on the floor, Draco chortling whilst his head was in the fridge and Neville, who was collapsed on the table, even managed enough energy to muster up a laugh.
However, the true image of excellency came when Harry Potter himself revealed the costume he was wearing.
“Yourrrr parents were meddlesome foools too. Mar-hic-k my words, Potter.” A giggle escaped his mouth, “Oneee day soon you are going to mee-hic-t the same sticky end.” Harry Potter, gold boy extraordinaire, had dressed as none other than Lucius-bloody-Malfoy. Laughter permeated the air as every witch and wizard alike in the small room, keeled over and burst into a fit of uncontrollable chortles.
This carried on for a while, random sniggers emerging from even randomer spots, until Hermione had the grand idea for them to venture outside. Now, you might question to yourself, how could they be so stupid as to go outside whilst they were being hunted by Voldemort? And, you wouldn’t be alone in that sentiment! However, with their butter beer and alcohol infested brains, at the time, running bare feet down the street looking like the worst death eaters known to wixen kind seemed like a pretty swell idea.
So, that is how the self-proclaimed ‘Life Fasters’ (yes, they did just do the opposite of death eaters) found themselves skipping or dancing down a very much deserted street at specifically 2:12 in the morning. But not only were they seen screaming “LIFE FASTERS” for all to hear, they had also developed a jolly jingle to go along with it.
“Life fasters!
We know what to do!
Life fasters!
We won’t kill you!
Were #not Voldemort
And were also good at sport
Life fasters!
Better than those stupid death eatersssssssssss”
Credit goes to: Life Fasters, Produced 2000
After the fifth rendition of the song, they all finally collapsed onto the cobbled street, breaths heaving, as they took a much needed break.
Then came the disaster.
Harry had to be the drunkest out of the breakfast bunch as he finished off his second bottle of firewhisky. Smoke trailing out his nostril and little burps of fire sporadically appearing every time he hiccupped. What you might not have known; however, is that Harry is a very jumpy drunk, and being one of the most power fuelled beings on the planet had its downsides when it came to accidental magic.
It had all started with a cat. It was seemingly harmless at first, slinking around the grates surrounding peoples houses, but when this tiny black cat suddenly meowed right next to Harry’s ear, the worst possible thing happened. The spot Harry had previously inhabited lay empty, his magic popping him away before he could possibly rationalise the situation. Again, you might be questioning what’s so bad about accidental apparition? And normally I would agree with you, for had Harry landed anywhere else, it would have been safe, but unfortunately, for our unlucky saviour, he managed to land himself on the lap of a very unwanted man. None other than Voldemort himself, whilst he was unfortunately in the middle of an incredibly important death eater meeting.
Harry cracked his eyes open “Yoooooo, Wazzzaaaupppp my drillaaz”.
Voldemort blinked.
Harrys gaze turned to Bellatrix, “AHHHHHHH, HerMionEEee! Your costume got sooooo much better duDe! I was SCARED by those rotten teeth in your mouth, ewwwww, Uglyyyy. Thank Voldemorrrt they’re F-hic-ake”
Now, had you been there, you would have been lucky to witness Bellatrix’s best impression of a pomegranate, red turning red as the sun, and when Harry would recount his experience (what he could remember of it) he would have sworn he could see smoke coming out of her ears.
Whilst all this was happening, the other death eaters in the room were stuck frozen in a state of shock. None quite able to comprehend that the ‘saviour of the light’ had suddenly appeared in the room, drunk for that matter! But one, was in a slight worse state than others…
You guessed it! The one, the only, Lucius Malfoy!
Lucius didn’t pretend to act like he hadn’t seen his fair share of horrific things in his life, but Harry Potter dropping in on their meeting dressed suspiciously like him, topped them all.
“Luciusssss, Mate. It’s meeeee….Lucius! Hahahhahaha”
Voldemort let out a snort.
Harry’s head fell back as giggles overtook his body and if it weren’t for Voldemort’s very well placed arm, he would have fallen to the floor in a heap.
And Voldemort, the poor lad, was trying desperately to make some sense of the events which had just taken place.
Person appeared on his lap. CHECK
Person is dressed as Lucius. CHECK
Person is Harry Potter. CHECK
Wait……
“HARRY POTTER” Voldemort’s shouted.
Now I think you can guess what happened next. Yep! You guessed it. Harry apparated again, only, he didn’t apparate back to his friends, oh no, Harry did not have that kind of luck. Instead, Harry popped into the awaiting lap of the very death eater we were just talking about.
Yes.
Lucius Malfoy.
To Malfoys credit, he didn’t shriek straight away once Harry appeared in his lap. He elegantly waited a full 4 seconds before screaming in such a way that would put his fancy albino peacocks to shame.
This time, Harry didn’t apparate. Instead he leapt off of Lucius’s lap and found himself stood in the centre of the long dining table which the death eaters were sat around.
You might think this is where it ends, where harry gains some sense, but no. Harry was still smashed and still looking to cause trouble.
“Riiiight. Now that alllll that’s cleared u- hic-p. Let me introduce myself.” Harry swept into a low bow whilst speaking. His legs wobbling slightly and white wig becoming half detached from his head.
“I am Lucius-fucking-Malfoy. Bow to me peasants! Or I’ll curse you all!”
The death eaters sat silently. None quite sure what to do with the slightly mentally unstable young adult standing on the table in front of them. Not even their grand leader Voldemort had a clue as to what their next course of action should be. They couldn’t just kill the boy. Everyone knows that its bad etiquette to kill someone when they’re under the influence. They were death eaters, they had morals.
However, what they weren’t prepared for was that Harry wasn’t quite done with them yet.
So it came to everyone’s shock and surprise when he suddenly started shouting out curses as he danced across the table.
“Bombardo” The wall near the end of the table blew up
“Diffindo” The curtains fell, trapping some death eaters in their own mini fort.
The curses kept flying, sometimes interrupted by the occasional hiccup or stumble as Harry worked himself up and down the table. Death eaters ran for cover, desperately trying to escape the continuous onslaught of magic the tiny wizard was conjuring.
Then there was Voldemort, his thoughts were finally catching up to him which helped when he was dodging curses left and right. But something still stumped him. How was this piss drunk man conjuring so much magic without a wand! Maybe he would have to revise his notes on how powerful Harry Potter really was.
But the fact remained that Harry was still actively attacking his death eaters, or at least he was, when he suddenly fell back onto the table and stopped moving.
Silence.
The death eaters exchanged looks, questions in their eyes. Had it finally stopped? Were they safe now? Had he died?
And just as one of them went to look. Harry’s body started moving once again. Only this time in a very odd fashion. His arms and legs moved in synchronisation. Out then in and then… The singing started.
“Do you wanna build a snowman?”
Scared looks were tossed between people. Was this boy about to freeze them alive?
“Come on let’s go and play!”
OMG. He was going to slaughter them. Play had to stand for torture right? What else could it stand for?
“I never see you anymore!”
They were done for, almost every death eater was now quaking in their boots. Harry potter had just said how he was going to kill them and how no one would ever see them again.
It was surprisingly Voldemort who broke the tension in the room.
“Wake up you morons, he’s only singing a song from that new movie Frozen.”
The death eaters calmed down a bit and started returning to their seats at the table. And in Harry’s case, he seemed to be frozen in shock due to his new found fact that Voldemort watches frozen. Everything seemed to be fine. Harry was calming down after his cursing high, death eaters were feeling more confident. What could have happened? But then, a silver plate which had been hanging precariously off of the wall after being hit by a spell, clattered to the floor. Then yes, you guessed it again! Harry apparated. Right back into the lap of his mortal enemy.
Voldemort, or Tom Riddle as he was known in the ministry, had been having a rather good day before Harry Potter decided to fuck it all up. Nagini had just had her first babies in 50 years, his motion to get creature rights got passed in the ministry. He had even been having a good death eater meeting, god damnit! So having to deal with a deranged 20 year old who had been cursing all his death eaters for the last 15 minutes did not make him very happy. Having this deranged 20 year old sitting on his lap staring up at him with the biggest doe eyes ever and making himself look very cute did not make him any happier, definitely not. Big NO. Voldemort was definitely not a simp for doe eyes. At least that’s what he told himself.
“You know, you would be very cute if you didn’t hate muggleborns so much” Harry stated. His eyes shutting slightly as the sleepiness finally started to kick in.
Voldemort stared down at the man lying in his arms. Disbelief painted across his face. Had this boy who had been fighting him for years just complimented him?
“Hmm, is that right? I think you would be a lot better if you didn’t turn up and curse all my death eaters!”
Harry ignored the slight jab as his eyes closed fully. His body turned in Tom’s lap allowing him snuggle closer to the warm body he was sitting on.
“M’tired. Goodnight.” And it was with those parting words, Harry fell asleep.
For what felt like the thousandth time that night Voldemort was left in a state of disbelief. Had this person really just fallen asleep on him? He shook his head, what can you do when faced with a weird drunk wizard? …
It was these series of events that lead to Voldemort creating a portkey to return Harry back to wherever he had come from. The only difference to the way he arrived being a small note taped to his forehead. However, as Harry whisked away, Tom sat contemplating how this was one of the most fun evenings he had had in a long while and he couldn’t help the small thought in his head emerging, that he didn’t quite mind if it happened again one day.
It was 2 hours after Harry had gone missing that Hermione found him sprawled on the floor of the living room of 12 Grimmauld Place with nothing but a note reading ‘Control your Wizard’ to explain his mysterious disappearance earlier in the night.
So with a humph and small shoulder shrug, Hermione pulled a blanket over his frame before trudging off to bed. Not a clue as to what had thrown down between Harry and the death eaters that night. A night he was sure to regret when he woke up with the worlds largest headache the next morning.
THE END.