f1 group chat

by seb_urfgvn

Summary:

Charles just wants some friendly advice from the wiser of those in the paddock, so he makes a group chat.

Safe to say it spirals out of control, and somehow half of the grid is now in the chat.

Chapter 1: the creation

sharl added seb, bwoah, nando and ham to the chat

 

sharl: hey so um

 

sharl: this is awkward

 

seb: why did you add us all to a group chat charles?

 

ham: im in way too many group chats already

 

ham: and this one has fernando in it which is 10x worse

 

nando: you make it sound like i want to be here

 

seb: guys guys don't fight

 

seb: none of us want fernando here either

 

nando: HEY

 

seb: shut it

 

seb: charles probably has something important to share

 

seb: charles?

 

sharl: ...

 

sharl: i kinda need advice

 

ham: ??

 

nando: in what world would we give better advice than literally anyone else

 

ham: hey

 

ham: don't bring seb into this

 

seb: isn't there one of the younger drivers you could go to for advice charles?

 

sharl: actually i was kinda hoping you guys could help

 

sharl: i figured since you're all old you'd have like wisdom and stuff

 

ham: rude

 

nando: yeah no i don't think lewis has any wisdom at all

 

ham: im not disagreeing

 

ham: seb definitely has some wisdom though

 

ham: kimi probably has even more wisdom but he never speaks so

 

bwoah: my phone was in airplane mode

 

seb: it's always in airplane mode kimi

 

bwoah: exactly

 

bwoah has muted this conversation

 

nando: how did he do that

 

nando: i want to do that

 

seb: charles just go ahead and ask your question

 

sharl: okay

 

sharl: here goes nothing ig

 

sharl: what do you do if you like another driver?

 

ham: as in like a friend? because i can't help you there man

 

sharl: no no

 

sharl: like as in like like

 

sharl: as in i want to kiss them

 

seb: *spits out drink*

 

ham: did you really just type "*spits out drink*" with the asterisks

 

seb: *nods*

 

ham: oh my god

 

ham: anyway charles WHAT

 

seb: for how long have you liked them charles?

 

sharl: a while? idk

 

ham: well unfortunately for you i 100% have absolutely definitely zero experience with anything other than platonic or mutual hatred relationships with other drivers so i am going to take this as my cue to leave

 

ham left the chat

 

nando: well that was weird

 

seb: i wonder why he reacted like that

 

bwoah added britney to the chat

 

britney: um hi?

 

britney: what is this group chat and why am i in it?

 

seb: WAIT

 

seb: KIMI ARE YOU SAYING?

 

bwoah: bwoah

 

britney: what the fuck is happening

 

seb added ham to the chat

 

ham: why did you add me back man

 

britney: why tf are you here

 

ham: why tf are you here?

 

seb: *eats popcorn*

 

britney: why is seb writing his actions in asterisks

 

ham: dont question it

 

britney: okay i wont

 

britney: anyway WHY WOULD YOU ADD ME TO A CHAT WITH LEWIS IN IT

 

nando: charles wanted advice on what to do when you like another driver as more than a friend

 

britney:

 

britney: KIMI

 

bwoah: i figured you could help with that one

 

sharl: wait

 

sharl: are you saying brocedes is real?????

 

ham: was real

 

seb: huh

 

nando: oh shit

 

sharl: b- but- sewis :(

 

ham: how did you just stutter over text message

 

sharl: no

 

nando: so are you gonna explain the whole brocedes thing or not

 

britney: no

 

ham: no

 

ham: listen charles, if you want advice it's DON'T SLEEP WITH YOUR TEAMMATE

 

sharl: woah woah who said anything about sleeping with their teammate

 

nando: lewis did

 

britney: yes we get that fernando

 

britney: but i agree with lewis

 

britney: ESEPECIALLY don't sleep with your teammate if they're a dick and their name rhymes with hewis lamilton

 

sharl: oh ok

 

sharl: lucky for me i don't want to sleep with my teammate and the person i do want to's name doesn't rhyme with hewis lamilton

 

seb: what does it rhyme with charles?

 

sharl: ...

 

sharl: gierre pasly

 

ham: I KNEW IT

 

ham: NICO YOU OWE ME 50 BUCKS

 

britney: fine :/

 

sharl: ???

 

sharl: you've still not given me any advice

 

nando: if you want my opinion

 

nando: not that it comes from experience or anything

 

nando: i'd say go for it

 

nando: because if you don't you'll really regret it in the future

 

sharl: thanks fernando

 

sharl: i'm gonna ask him out today :)

 

seb: go for it!!

 

nando: :)

Chapter 2: the aftermath

seb: hey charles how did it go

 

sharl: HE LIKES ME BACK AND AGREED TO GO ON A DATE

 

britney: happy to hear!

 

ham: that's great man!

 

britney: stop copying my opinions

 

ham: you can't own an opinion nico

 

britney: i own the opinion that you're a dumbass

 

ham: and i own the opinion that you retired because i was better than you

 

britney: I RETIRED TO GET AWAY FROM YOU DICKHEAD

 

sharl: guys stop fighting pls

 

sharl: i have a secret to share

 

seb: what is it charles?

 

sharl: the person i like is... 

 

sharl: pierre

 

ham: NO WAY

 

britney: SHOCKER

 

ham: DID NOT SEE THAT ONE COMING

 

britney: CRAZY 

 

nando: yeah i thought gierre pasly rhymed with max verstappen

 

seb: guys, stop teasing him.

 

seb: that's lovely to hear charles, i hope your date goes well.

 

sharl: thanks seb :))

 

sharl: anyway i guess that means there's no real need for this chat anymore so i'll just go ahead and delete it to save you guys's phones getting too cluttered 

 

ham: no wait dont

 

sharl: ...ok?

 

sharl: i'm just gonna leave then

 

sharl has left the chat

 

seb: why did you not want him to delete the chat lewis?

 

ham: i uh

 

ham: i figured we could use it as a chat for the older drivers you know

 

nando: but there's literally only 5 of us

 

ham added jb

 

ham: look now there's 6 of us

 

nando: hey thanks for adding me to the group chat

 

seb: fernando?

 

nando: shoot sorry wrong phone

 

jb: thanks for adding me to the group chat!

 

ham: no problem man

 

britney: no one gonna question why jenson just texted from fernando's phone

 

nando: no

 

ham: no

 

seb: no

 

jb: no

 

bwoah: no

 

sharl: no

 

seb: charles how did you get back here?

 

sharl: magic

 

nando changed jb's display name to yenson  

 

yenson: haha very funny nando

 

ham: hold up

 

britney: you can change other peoples display names?

 

ham changed britney's display name to shit teammate

 

britney changed ham's display name to dickhead

 

dickhead: yeah my biggest regret is letting you give my dick head

 

seb: LEWIS

 

seb: THERES A CHILD HERE

 

dickhead: blame nico not me

 

shit teammate: yeah cause it always was "blame nico" wasn't it

 

shit teammate: and if i'm such a shit teammate why don't you talk to your better teammates instead 

 

shit teammate added porridge and gr63

 

porridge: hi. why am i here.

 

gr63: hey everyone, thanks for adding me to this group chat! 

 

gr63: mind if i ask what this chat is for and why i was added?

 

shit teammate: i figured your best buddy lewis would rather talk with you or valtteri than me

 

porridge: can i just go back to eating my porridge please

 

gr63: lewis thinks we're best buddies? :0

 

dickhead: sorry george you're being dragged into something you had no part in

 

gr63: so... lewis doesn't think we're best buddies? 

 

gr63: but we went surfing together :(

 

dickhead: no no sorry george i didn't mean it like that

 

dickhead: you're a nice guy i promise

 

gr63: wait hold on the names are confusing me

 

gr63: is "dickhead" lewis? who is "shit teammate"?

 

porridge: "shit teammate" is obviously nico because that's exactly what lewis would set it a and "dickhead" is obviously lewis because nico would've chose that in retaliation to being called a shit teammate, plus the connotations of 'dick' and 'head' from... back in the day

 

dickhead: hold up

 

shit teammate: how did you know that last part valterri

 

porridge: toto told me

 

dickhead: DUCKING TOTO 

 

gr63: will someone please just tell me if me and lewis are best mates or not? :(

 

seb: i'm sure you two are, right lewis?

 

dickhead:

 

seb: RIGHT lewis?

 

dickhead: yeah totally... 

 

gr63: ohmygodthisisthegreatestdayofmylife

 

gr63: the rest of the twitch quartet are never gonna believe me when i tell them i'm in a chat with lewis and he just said we're best friends

 

seb: isn't charles part of the twitch quartet though?

 

gr63: wait he's in this chat?

 

gr63: why's he so silent

 

seb: 

 

seb: charles?

 

seb: has anyone seen charles?

 

seb: KIMI HAVE YOU SEEN CHARLES?

 

bwoah: he's been staring at the wall since hamilton mentioned his dick 

 

seb: oh god lewis do you see what you've done

 

dickhead: yeah nico's right in front of me rn

 

shit teammate: THAT MAKES IT SOUND LIKE WE JUST HAD SEX IM LITERALLY JUST WALKING PAST YOU TO GET TO THE MEDIA PEN

 

nando: JUST STOP TALKING

Chapter 3: the kiss

sharl: GIUS

 

sharl: GUYS

 

sharl: PIERRE

 

sharl: KISSED ME

 

sharl: POERRE JISED ME

 

seb: are you ok 

 

sharl: NO

 

sharl: HE FFFUHSHSHSHDJDJ KISSED ME

 

seb: have you been drinking?

 

sharl: NO IM  JUST

 

sharl: I ALMOSY FORGRO TO OISS HIM BACK

 

seb: are you still on your date?

 

sharl: YES

 

sharl: IM HIDING IN THE RESTAURANT BATHROOMS

 

sharl: ISM TOO SO MANY ENOTIONS

 

sharl: I KISSED HIM BACK THEN RAN

 

sharl: WHAT IF HE DIDNT LIKE IT WHAT IF HE REGRETS IT EMWHAY IF JE HATES ME

 

seb: charles, calm down.

 

seb: you've known each other since you were kids. if he didn't like you like that he wouldn't have kissed you.

 

sharl: you

 

sharl: you're right

 

sharl: thanks seb 

 

sharl: gonna leave the bathrooms now

 

sharl: i've been gone 10 minutes. hope pierre doesn't think i've been pooping.

 

seb: good luck !

 

dickhead: man that kid is a hopeless romantic

 

seb: stop it's cute to watch him try though

 

dickhead: he's lucky pierre's clearly in love with him because otherwise- 

 

shit teammate: idk lewis you said you loved me and look at us now

 

seb: there was LOVE involved?

 

dickhead: nico SHUT UP i loved you as a FRIEND

 

nando: ouch. is that even the friend zone?

 

shit teammate: it's the someone got greedy and decided friends wasn't enough zone

 

yenson: woah mate

 

dickhead: don't act like you didn't get greedy too

 

sharl: i feel uncomfortable 

 

seb: CHARLES GO TALK TO PIERRE

 

sharl: SORRY SEB IM GOING I PROMISE

 

yenson: that kid is an enigma

 

shit teammate: he truly is

 

nando: i have question 

 

nando: for the two... i don't know what you two were but you know 

 

dickhead: i'm confused but go ahead 

 

shit teammate: fire away

 

nando: do you regret it? whatever you had?

 

dickhead: yes

 

shit teammate: 100%

 

nando: oh

 

dickhead: why?

 

nando: no reason

 

dickhead: you sure?

 

nando: um 

 

nando left the chat

 

shit teammate: well that was 

 

dickhead: strange...

 

dickhead: sebs offline so

 

dickhead: guess it's just you and me nico

 

shit teammate: should we

 

dickhead:

 

shit teammate:

 

sharl: GIYS PIERRE JUST KISED ME AGIAN

 

dickhead: THATS LOVELY CHARLES BUT GO AWAY

Chapter 4: the ice cream incident

seb: guys

 

seb: guys

 

seb: guys

 

seb: guys

 

seb: guys

 

dickhead: WHAT

 

seb: do you have any ice cream

 

dickhead: what

 

seb: ice cream

 

seb: do you have it

 

dickhead: why would i have ice cream

 

seb: kimi ran out

 

seb: and now he's sad

 

seb: you've made kimi sad

 

shit teammate: yeah lewis how could you

 

dickhead: how is this MY fault

 

yenson: nando says there's ice cream at alpine 

 

bwoah: 

 

sharl: w... why is kimi naruto running to the alpine garage 

 

shit teammate: scroll up

 

sharl: ah

 

sharl: never mess with kimi's ice cream

 

gr63: i just walked past the alpine garage and kimi's being escorted out by security???

 

gr63: and somehow he's completely unbothered 

 

gr63: he's just eating an ice cream

 

sharl: shit i can see it from ferrari

 

sharl: they've got security on him and everything

 

gr63: wait do you hear that

 

sharl: hear what?

 

gr63:

 

sharl: 

 

dickhead:

 

shit teammate:

 

seb:

 

yenson:

 

porridge:

 

dickhead: i recognise that sound

 

sharl: what is it?

 

seb:

 

seb: it's fernando's revenge laugh

 

dickhead: REVENGE FOR WHAT THOUGH

 

shit teammate: probably 2007

 

dickhead: no

 

dickhead: 2014 was for that

 

seb: then why would he want revenge on kimi

 

dickhead: jenson

 

dickhead: you could ask him

 

yenson: ooooh no

 

yenson: he's sulking now

 

yenson: rule number one of the guide on handling a nando is don't talk to him while he's sulking

 

seb: then WHY WOULD HE DO THAT TO KIMI

 

seb: HE JUST WANTED HIS ICE CREAM

 

seb: HIS PRECIOUS ICE CREAM

 

yenson added nando to the chat

 

yenson: nando explain

 

nando: explain what??????? i have no idea what you are talking about

 

seb: i can see you smiling through the screen 

 

nando: what

 

nando: kimi should've known that just because he's retired now doesn't mean he can just waltz on in to a teams garage

 

dickhead: i wish you'd stayed retired 

 

gr63: yeah oscar called

 

gr63: he wants his f1 seat sometime before your 50th

 

sharl: you know i was thinking

 

gr63: you have thoughts?

 

sharl: shut up lanky man

 

sharl: anyway back to my thought

 

sharl: fernando is like the complete opposite of nico

 

shit teammate: how

 

sharl: you retired 5 days after becoming world champion

 

sharl: fernando's still trying to win another after 16 years 

 

dickhead: OOOH SHOTS FIRED

 

nando: it'll happen one day

 

gr63: sure it will grandpa

 

nando: hey

 

nando: age before beauty

 

yenson: i agree fernando

 

nando: thank you yenson 

 

dickhead: imagine how much better life would be if fernando had retired after 2006

 

dickhead: then i'd only have had to deal with ONE shit teammate in my career

 

yenson: HEY

 

yenson: nando is a great teammate.

 

dickhead: pfft

 

dickhead: you tell yourself that jb

 

bwoah: i agree. 2014 was shit.

 

seb: wow kimi

 

seb: that was beautiful 

 

bwoah: not as beautiful as jenson thinks fernando is.

 

nando: IS IT TRUE

 

yenson: yes you're very beautiful fernando

 

nando: :0

 

nando: :D

 

nando: <3

 

jenson: <3

 

seb: DID YOU GUYS JUST KISS

 

nando: what

 

nando: no

 

nando: what are you talking about

 

nando left the chat

 

shit teammate: man he's good at running away 

 

dickhead: just like you did in 2016

 

shit teammate: IT WAS SIX YEARS AGO LEWIS GIVE IT A BREAK

Chapter 5: the language barrier

Notes:

here is my formal apology for any native speakers of spanish, italian, german, finnish, or french

also im scottish i can make fun of us its ok

yenson added nando to the chat

 

nando: hola

 

seb: hola?

 

seb: guten morgen

 

nando: robé el teléfono de yenson para poder agregarme al chat nuevamente

 

nando: voy a hablar en español para que nadie me entienda

 

seb: ?

 

nando: disculpas a cualquiera que lea esto que hable español porque el autor usó el traductor de google

 

nando: tengo una confesión

 

nando: estoy enamorado de yenson

 

seb: does anyone know what fernando is saying?

 

ham: i dont speak spanish sorry man

 

ham: no hablo espanol

 

seb added smooth operator to the chat

 

seb: carlos

 

seb: translate 

 

smooth operator: woah hey guys 

 

smooth operator: translate what?

 

seb: fernando

 

nando: NO LES DIGAS CARLOS

 

nando: NO LES DIGAS LO QUE DIJE

 

smooth operator: woah woah cálmate

 

smooth operator: you know i can't see chats from before i was added right

 

seb: oh

 

nando: oh

 

nando: perdon por eso carlos

 

smooth operator: you can stop speaking spanish now

 

nando: non posso

 

sharl: quello è italiano 

 

nando: non so

 

seb: also ich denke wir sprechen jetzt nur andere sprachen 

 

bwoah: jep 

 

britney: ja

 

sharl: oui 

 

smooth operator: si

 

ham: i feel left out 

 

ham: george let's start speaking in british

 

george: sorry lewis am gonnae be speaking scots fae noo oan if yer feelin left oot gon ask david coulthard tae teach ye

 

ham: what the fuck

Chapter 6: the eye bleaching

dickhead: nico we really should change our names to something else

 

shit teammate: i cant figure out how to change display names though

 

dickhead: there's the option to change someone else's but not your own

 

dickhead: like look

 

dickhead changed shit teammate's display name to nico hulkenberg  

 

nico hulkenberg: what the fuck

 

nico hulkenberg: i can feel my podiums fading from existence 

 

nico hulkenberg changed dickhead's display name to hamilfton

 

hamilfton: you did not

 

hamilfton: nico you did not

 

hamilfton changed nico hulkenberg's name to dilf

 

dilf: i'm honoured

 

dilf: but that ship sailed in 2016

 

porridge: 2017*

 

porridge: i had to bleach my eyes multiple times

 

porridge: was not a good first impression of mercedes

 

dilf: yeah sorry about that valterri 

 

hamilfton: to be fair though

 

hamilfton: you could've knocked 

 

porridge: it was MY drivers room

 

seb: oh god

 

sharl: TMI

 

gr63: i think i need to bleach my eyes now

 

hamilfton: can someone please just change our names back to how they were

 

seb changed hamilfton's display name to ham

 

seb changed dilf's display name to britney

 

seb: you happy now?

 

ham: very much so

 

britney: awh

 

britney: i kinda liked being a dilf

 

sharl: you're still a dilf to me nico :)

 

britney: do you even know what that means

 

seb: please tell me you don't

 

sharl: lando said it means dude in la france 

 

seb:

 

seb: lando is correct

 

gr63: but

 

seb: george.

 

seb: lando is correct.

 

gr63: never thought i'd hear that

 

gr63: he'll be so proud 

 

sharl: :)

 

seb: :)

Chapter 7: the valtexit

porridge has left the chat

 

ham: okay then 

 

britney: did we do something to offend him

 

ham: i think we've established that already 

 

ham: multiple times in 2017.

 

britney: fair enough

 

britney: he probably just wanted to eat his porridge in peace

 

ham: respect

Chapter 8: the no

ham: by the way

 

ham: did we ever find out why fernando wanted revenge on kimi?

 

yenson: he keeps mumbling something in his sleep about kimi knowing too much

 

ham: hmm

 

britney: no one gonna question why jenson is next to fernando while he's sleeping

 

ham: no

 

seb: no

 

sharl: no

 

gr63: no

 

smooth operator: no

 

bwoah: no

 

yenson: no

 

nando: no

 

britney: aight

Chapter 9: the rage

sharl added yuki to the chat  

 

sharl: why did you want me to add you yuki?

 

yuki: GET AWAY FROM PIERRE

 

yenson: woah woah what's happening here 

 

yuki: SHARLS IS ALWAYS FUCKING HERE

 

yuki: IN SCUDERIA ALPHA TAURI

 

smooth operator: calm down yuki

 

yuki: oh hey carlos

 

yuki: BACK TO THIS FUCKING CHARLES DOESNT EVEN LOOK

 

ham: i thought it was checo that doesn't even look

 

seb: *shrugs*

 

ham: *reaches through the screen and tells you to STOP WRITING YOUR ACTIONS IN ASTERISKS*

 

yuki: HES ALWAYS WITH PIERRE

 

yuki: KISSING HIM

 

yuki: FUCKING DISGUSTING

 

seb: yuki, come on

 

seb: you're acting like a kid

 

yenson: nando wants kids

 

yenson: we could adopt him

 

britney: no one gonna question why fernando and jenson have discussed having kids together

 

ham: no

 

seb: no

 

bwoah: no

 

sharl: no

 

gr63: no

 

yuki: no

 

smooth operator: no

 

yenson: no

 

nando: no

 

sharl: how tf has this chat got that many people now

 

sharl: there was only five when i made it and now there's nine

 

sharl: + valterri was here for a while

 

ham: he didn't say much though 

 

ham: sorta like kimi

 

bwoah: 

 

seb: that was so profound kimi

 

seb: you should give motivational speeches

 

britney: i honestly can't tell if seb is being sarcastic or not

 

ham: if it was anyone else i'd say he is but simi is strong

 

britney: simi?

 

bwoah: seb x kimi

 

ham: see even kimi ships it

 

yuki: SHARLS JUST FUCKING WALKED INTO SCUDERIA ALPHA TAURI

 

yuki: HIM AND PIERRE ARE OFFICIALLY BOYFRIENDS NOW

 

yuki: FRANZ SAID CHARLES IS ALLOWED TO COME HERE WHENEVER HE WANTS AS LONG AS HE DOESNT GIVE AWAY ANY INFORMATION TO BINOTTO

 

seb: *shudders at the mention of binotto*

 

ham: *punches seb*

 

bwoah: 

 

ham: 

 

ham: i'm very sorry kimi i promise i won't punch sebastian

 

bwoah: good

 

sharl: YUKI JUST SAY YOU'RE JEALOUS AND GO AWAY

 

yuki: WHY WOULD I BE JEALOUS

 

sharl: I SAW YOU SAYING PIERRE HAD A "GIRLFRIEND OR BOYFRIEND VIBE"

 

sharl: GET A LIFE

 

yuki: pierre told me to say sorry

 

sharl: yuki i'm literally right next to you to

 

yuki: i am very sorry charles. you are my favourite ferrari driver.

 

smooth operator: HEY

 

smooth operator: i thought we were best friends 

 

yuki: sorry

 

yuki: i meant second favourite ferrari driver

 

sharl: you know what

 

sharl: i'll take it

 

sharl: thanks for the apology yuki

 

sharl: i forgive you

 

yuki: :)

 

sharl: :)

 

seb: IS NO ONE GOING TO TALK ABOUT HOW CHARLES AND PIERRE ARE OFFICIALLY DATING

 

seb: I AM SO HAPPY FOR YOU TWO

 

sharl: awh come on seb it's not that big a deal

 

seb: YES IT IS

 

seb: WHEN IS THE WEDDING

 

sharl: SEB STOP

 

smooth operator: i can see charles blushing from here

 

yenson: so happy for you charles but i'm gonna need confirmation on whether yuki is up for adoption 

 

sharl: pierre says yes

 

yuki: did i just get adopted

 

yuki: i'm 22

 

smooth operator: too bad 

 

smooth operator: have fun with your new parents

Chapter 10: the dream

seb: i had this really weird dream last night that me and kimi were dating

 

sharl: woah

 

smooth operator: damn

 

yenson: you know seb

 

yenson: they say people dream about the things they want to happen in real life 

 

britney: yeah that's why i dream about lewis stepping on lego

 

ham: awh cute i dream about you stepping on an upturned plug

 

yenson: awh you guys are so adorable 

 

yenson: anyway

 

yenson: seb

 

yenson: do you like kimi?

 

seb: what no it's just a dream i like kimi as a friend nothing more don't make it weird 

 

yenson:

 

ham:

 

britney: 

 

sharl: 

 

smooth operator:

 

gr63: why does kimi look sad

 

gr63: i can see him in the paddock

 

gr63: he's just stood there

 

gr63: sadly eating an ice cream

 

bwoah: 

 

seb: KIMI I'M SORRY

 

seb: PLEASE FORGIVE ME

 

bwoah: sebastian

 

seb: YOU'RE THE GREATEST FRIEND I COULD EVER ASK FOR

 

bwoah: seb

 

seb: I LOVE YOU KIMI I PROMISE

 

bwoah: SEBASTIAN

 

seb: 

 

yenson:

 

ham: 

 

britney:

 

sharl: 

 

smooth operator:

 

gr63:

 

yuki:

 

nando: 

 

bwoah: i love you 

 

seb: wait

 

seb: what

 

seb: huh

 

seb: kimi

 

seb: KIMI

 

seb: KIMI??????

 

bwoah: you're my greatest friend too

 

seb:

 

seb: i

 

seb: kimi

 

seb: i'm

 

nando: ouch

 

seb: it's okay

 

seb: simi 

 

seb: best-

 

seb: best friends for life

 

bwoah: :)

 

seb: :)

 

seb left the chat

 

ham: damn

 

yenson: guess the dream thing is true

 

bwoah: where did he go

 

bwoah left the chat

 

yenson: oh no

 

ham: fuck

 

britney: he's made kimi sad

Chapter 11: the simi

Notes:

soooo i came back onto ao3 a couple hours after posting this to see people have actually read it?/?:?:?:!:!:? thank you for all the comments <33

nando added otmar to the chat

 

otmar: hey guys

 

otmar: care to explain why kimi is in my team's garage trying to steal all our ice cream?

 

sharl: apparently alpine is the only team that has any

 

otmar: okay but why does kimi need it?

 

ham: he's sad 

 

otmar: and why is that our problem

 

yenson: he needs ice cream when he's sad

 

otmar: then fix whatever made him sad then? 

 

ham: you'll have to talk to seb about that

 

ham added seb to the chat

 

seb: leave me alone

 

seb left the chat

 

ham: damn

 

otmar: look guys i really don't care what happened just get kimi out of my garage please

 

sharl: i'll go find seb

 

sharl: see if i can talk some sense into him

 

smooth operator: i'll cover for you 

 

smooth operator: i'll distract mattia with my beautiful singing

 

sharl: beautiful definitely isn't the word i'd use to describe it but ok

 

- 

 

sharl added seb and bwoah to the chat

 

sharl removed ham, britney, nando, yenson, gr63, smooth operator and otmar from the chat

 

sharl: talk it out

 

sharl left the chat

 

seb: did he just

 

seb: it's just us now kimi

 

bwoah: why did you leave.

 

seb: because you hurt my feelings!

 

bwoah: how?

 

seb: by saying we were just friends

 

bwoah: we are friends though

 

seb: but i love you 

 

bwoah: yeah

 

bwoah: as a friend

 

seb: no

 

bwoah: no yes

 

seb: yes

 

bwoah: yes

 

seb: wait what 

 

bwoah: i have bamboozled you

 

seb: kimi what

 

bwoah: do you want some ice cream

 

seb: is it friend ice cream

 

bwoah:

 

bwoah: no it's vanilla

 

seb: i

 

seb: kimi

 

seb: i'd like that

 

bwoah: :)

 

bwoah: but only as my friend 

 

seb: i'm

 

seb: you know what

 

seb: okay

 

seb: i can live with that

 

bwoah: good

 

seb: :)

 

bwoah: can i mute the chat again now

 

seb: of course kimi

 

bwoah added sharl, ham, britney, nando, yenson, gr63 and smooth operator to the chat

 

bwoah muted this chat

 

seb: order has been restored

 

sharl: and?

 

seb: what do you mean and

 

sharl: is simi real or not

 

seb: unfortunately no

 

seb: but that's just the way it is

 

ham: that sucks man

 

britney: so did you in 2017

 

ham: WAY TO RUIN THE MOMENT NICO

Chapter 12: the sewis

sharl: guys

 

sharl: has anyone noticed that seb and lewis have been hanging out a lot lately 

 

gr63: yup

 

gr63: sebs always hanging about the merc garage

 

gr63: maybe he's tryna help aston do a repeat of 2020

 

gr63: you know like maybe make 2023 the year of the 'green mercedes'

 

sharl: that's a lovely conspiracy theory but based on merc's performance so far this year i think if he was gonna spy on another team he'd be spying on ferrari

 

smooth operator: i thought after 2020 he wasn't allowed within 50 feet of the premises 

 

sharl: THAT WAS A LIE MADE BY BINOTTO

 

sharl: anyway

 

sharl: i was thinking more that seb and lewis have been on each other's instagram a lot

 

sharl: i mean look at lewis's latest story

 

sharl: URL[https://instagram.com/stories/lewishamilton/2819888433184851590?utm_source=ig_story_item_share&igshid=YmMyMTA2M2Y=]

 

sharl: THEY'RE AT THE BEACH TOGETHER

 

smooth operator: that doesn't mean anything more

 

smooth operator: i've been to the beach with lando before 

 

smooth operator: are you trying to say i'm with lando?

 

sharl: yes

 

gr63: yes

 

nando: yes

 

yenson: yes

 

yuki: yes

 

britney: yes

 

bwoah: yes

 

smooth operator: i feel targeted

 

sharl: THIS ISNT ABOUT YOU

 

sharl: i'm just trying to say that seb and lewis have been hanging out a lot lately that's all

 

seb: hey guys

 

ham: yo

 

seb: what have we been chatting about?

 

sharl: uh

 

smooth operator: ur mom

 

gr63: deez nuts

 

sharl: yeah that

 

ham: alrighty then

 

sharl: did you have fun at the beach

 

seb: it was great fun !!

 

seb: we went surfing

 

ham: but turns out seb is very bad at it so he fell into the sea about 68 million times

 

ham: at one point he was clinging onto MY surfing board because his floated away 

 

seb: that was a prized surfing board of mine

 

ham: no it wasn't you got it for 10 euros on the way there

 

seb: YEAH IT WAS PRIZED BECAUSE IT WAS A GOOD DEAL

 

sharl: cute

 

seb: what?

 

ham: what?

 

sharl: what?

 

sharl: LOOK OVER THERE

 

sharl: IS RHAT GLOCK

 

mASSa: NO ITS NOT

 

nando: how tf did you get here

 

mASSa: peace out

 

ham: i'm very confused

Notes:

just in case you were thinking about trying, the link isn't real, sorry 😭

Chapter 13: the venture down under

ham: i feel like this group chat needs something to spice it up

 

sharl: and us trying to expose you and seb wasn't spicy enough?

 

ham: THERES NOTHING BETWEEN ME AND SEB

 

ham: anyway

 

ham: i feel like we need to add something fun to this chat

 

ham: or perhaps

 

ham: someONE

 

sharl: what do you mean

 

sharl: WAIT NO

 

sharl: DONT TELL ME YOU MEAN

 

ham added dannyric to the chat

 

dannyric: gday fellas

 

dannyric: anyone want a shrimp on the barbie

 

sharl: NOOOOOO

 

gr63: what is your problem charles

 

sharl: this group chat is done for

 

dannyric: fellas what do cowboys say

 

gr63: howdy?

 

dannyric: howdEEZNUTS

 

sharl: THIS IS WHAT I MEAN

 

dannyric: hey charles remember that one time in vegas

 

sharl: NO NO NO

 

sharl left the chat

 

dannyric: alrighty then

 

dannyric: i was just gonna tell you guys about that one time he managed to successfully boil an egg while we were in vegas

 

seb: really? that's such a huge step for him!!!

 

bwoah: very proud

 

seb: very proud indeed kimi that was so profound

 

dannyric: yeah it was pretty epic 

 

dannyric: also he did some mad shit with that stripper

 

seb: WHAT

 

dannyric: ANYWAYS 

 

dannyric: who's all in this group chat 

 

gr63: me

 

ham: me

 

nando: me

 

yenson: me

 

britney: me

 

smooth operator: me

 

yuki: me

 

seb: me

 

bwoah: me

 

seb: charles was here a second ago

 

dannyric added sharl to the chat

 

dannyric: there he is

 

dannyric: our favourite monacish 

 

sharl: it's actually monegasque

 

dannyric: what

 

dannyric: je ne parle pas français

 

sharl: did you google translate that

 

dannyric: ...no

 

dannyric: the author did

 

sharl: who? 

 

dannyric: idk

 

dannyric: ANYWAYS im off to find maximus

 

gr63: ohohoho and why exactly 

 

dannyric: he's my buddy can two fellas not hang out as friends

 

ham:

 

ham: you'd think so

 

ham: but apparently not

 

sharl: SEWIS IS REAL

 

ham: STOP

Chapter 14: the three degrees of fernando

dannyric: fellas

 

dannyric: dyou know that game were you link anyone to kevin bacon in less than six steps?

 

yenson: the six degrees of kevin bacon?

 

dannyric: that would be the one

 

nando: what about it

 

dannyric: i was thinking

 

dannyric: you could do it like the three degrees of fernando

 

yenson: what do you mean 

 

dannyric: everyone is three or less teammates away from fernando like take me for example

 

dannyric: me -> esteban  -> fernando 

 

dannyric: im only one driver away 

 

britney: interesting. i guess i'd be one away as well

 

ham: im zero away beat that

 

britney: shut up

 

nando: so how many am i away

 

sharl: well you've been teammates with jenson and he's been teammates with you so you're one away

 

seb: charles

 

seb: i want you to take a minute and think carefully about what you just said

 

charles: THERES A REALLY COOL BUTTERFLY OUTSIDE MY WINDOW

 

ham: a fucking enigma.

 

smooth operator: what about me?

 

smooth operator: i can't think of any paths with less than three

 

dannyric: you -> hulk -> barrichello -> jenson -> fernando

 

ham: or you could just go carlos -> lando -> daniel -> esteban -> fernando

 

dannyric: yeah that's probably more straightforward 

 

smooth operator: im not straight

 

ham: we didn't ask-?

 

smooth operator: straightforward*

 

smooth operator: im not straightforward**

 

britney: *insert suspicious face*

 

ham: FOR FUCKS SAKE NICO YOU'RE TURNING INTO SEB

 

britney: more like sebs turning into me

 

britney: just another blond german for you to screw over

 

ham: nico. 

 

ham: that's

 

ham: too far

 

seb: yeah nico what the fuck

 

sharl: YOU MADE SEB SWEAR

 

sharl: OH MY GOD YOU'VE MESSED UP

 

britney left the chat  

 

dannyric: fellas?...

 

dannyric: i feel i may have missed a few steps

 

yenson: yeah a lot happened before you joined the chat

 

dannyric: anyone care to catch me up?

 

bwoah: hamilton and rosberg used to fuck. now they don't.

 

ham: pretty much sums it up

 

seb: that was so profound kimi

 

seb: truly beautiful 

 

seb: oh god no charles has been traumatised as well

 

seb: KIMI 

 

seb: WE NEED TO GO

 

seb: OUR CHILD IS TRAUMATISED AGAIN

 

bwoah: ok

 

seb muted this chat

 

bwoah muted this chat

 

nando: has still no one figured out how they do that

 

ham: unfortunately no

 

ham added britney to the chat

 

ham: sorry

 

ham: i had to add him back just to spite him

 

britney: fuck you

 

dannyric: FELLAS

 

dannyric: EMERGENCY

 

dannyric: THERES AN ANGRY 5'2 JAPANESE KID RAGING OUTSIDE

 

yenson: YUKI?

 

yenson: FERNANDO WE ADOPTED HIM WE HAVE TO BE RESPONSIBLE FOR HIM NOW

 

nando: what

 

yenson: YUKI WHAT HAPPENED

 

yuki: I CANT REACH FERNANDO IN THREE STEPS

 

yuki: BECAUSE IVE ONLY BEEN TEAMMATES WITH PIERRE

 

yenson: it's okay yuki don't get upset! it's not your fault!

 

yuki: I BLAME CHARLES

 

sharl: how tf am i a part of this

 

yuki: YOURE TAKING PIERRE AWAY

 

nando: yuki 

 

nando: calm down

 

nando: i am your adoptive parent apparently 

 

nando: that should count as a link 

 

nando: so really you're zero away

 

yuki: oh

 

yuki: i never thought of that

 

nando: see

 

nando: you get your own special link

 

yuki: ｡◕‿◕｡

 

nando: :)

 

yuki: ok thank you im gonna go try and break into pierre's drivers room now bye

 

yenson: good bye yuki 

 

yenson: fernando that was very well done

 

nando: it was nothing

 

yenson: you make a great accidental adoptive parent :)

 

nando: oh no

 

nando: esta ocurriendo otra vez

 

ham: not again

 

nando: realmente deberia terminar de una vez y hacer mi confesion 

 

nando: que amo a yenson

 

nando: ESPERA MIERDA

 

nando: CARLOS ESTA EN ESTE CHAT DE GRUPO AHORA

 

smooth operator: ...

 

yenson: carlos can you please translate 

 

ham: yes PLEASE

 

ham: i enjoy understanding the language people are speaking around me

 

seb: Ja, es ist ein sehr angenehmes Gefühl, in ein Gespräch einbezogen zu werden

 

ham: fuck you

 

sharl: ARRETEZ DE PARLER DE BAISER DES GENS STP

 

bwoah: TÄSSÄ ON LAPSIA

 

seb: SIE HABEN KIMI SHOUT GEMACHT.

 

sharl: PER FAVORE SMETTILA DI URLARE

 

gr63: gon haud yer wheesht

 

yuki: お前はもう死んでいる

 

yuki: 何??/?/?;?:??:

 

nando: carlos por favor no les digas

 

nando: hare lo que sea

 

smooth operator: no traducire si no quieres que lo haga

 

smooth operator: pero pq no quieres que nadie lo sepa?

 

nando: estoy asustado yenson nunca me gustaria volver 

 

smooth operator: ustedes dos literalmente adoptaron a un niño juntos 

 

yuki: 私は今スペイン語を話します。 これから私を残してください。

 

yenson: fernando whatever you're talking about i think it's upsetting yuki

 

yuki: あなたは私の本当のお父さんではありません!

 

dannyric: fellas i don't know if any of you have ever thought to download google translate but i have and from what ive gathered yuki is fluent in spanish and fernando and jenson REALLY need to discuss some things

 

ham: why is daniel acting like the responsible one here

 

ham: its weird

 

britney: you're weird

 

ham: that wasn't even a creative insult nico

 

britney: yeah well you weren't very creative with solutions on how to fix our relationship

 

ham: can i ever catch a break 

 

seb: *throws a break for you to catch*

 

ham: *cringes internally at the actions written in asterisks and bad dad joke while also finding that wholesomely adorable*

 

sharl: my god sewis is insufferable 

 

sharl: kimi if you're reading this cover your eyes for your own sanity

 

bwoah: why would i care

 

seb: 

 

yenson: YOU DONT NEED TO TELL KIMI WHAT HE SAID WAS BEAUTIFUL AND PROFOUND EVERYTIME HE SPEAKS

 

yenson: JUST LET ME AND FERNANDO TALK

 

ham: oh my god jenson's caps lock button works i thought it was a myth

 

britney: yeah i think that should be the rest of our cue to leave

 

dannyric: you two fellas better properly talk it out

 

dannyric removed sharl, ham, seb, bwoah, britney, and gr63 from the chat

 

nando: ESPERA QUE ESTAS HACIENDO

 

nando: CARLOS NO DEJES QUE ME OBLIGUE A ESTO

 

smooth operator: you can do it nando

 

smooth operator: solo dile como te sientes

 

smooth operator left the chat

 

dannyric left the chat

 

yenson: nando?

 

nando: welp

 

nando: here goes nothing

Chapter 15: the yensonando

yenson: fernando?

 

yenson: what did you want to say?

 

nando: i'm

 

nando: i cant

 

yenson: you can't what?

 

nando: i can't tell you

 

yenson: it's ok

 

yenson: you can take your time

 

yenson: as much time as you need

 

nando: 

 

nando: i know we spend a lot of time together 

 

nando: and we accidentally adopted a yuki together

 

nando: and it made me realise

 

nando: but i don't want to tell you because im scared you won't want to say it back

 

yenson: fernando

 

yenson: do you want me to say it first?

 

nando: 

 

nando: w

 

nando: what do you mean

 

yenson: you know what i mean.

 

nando:

 

nando: yes please

 

yenson: fernando 

 

yenson: i love you

 

nando: jenson

 

nando: i love you too

 

yenson:

 

nando:

 

yenson:

 

nando:

 

yuki: CONGRATULATIONS 

 

yuki: MY ADOPTIVE PARENTS ARE IN LOVE

 

yenson: YUKI HOW DID YOU GET HERE

 

yuki: i think daniel forgot to remove me from the chat

 

nando: you know what 

 

nando: it's ok

 

nando: thank you for your congratulations yuki

 

yuki: ur welcome

 

yuki: can we add everyone else back now

 

yenson: fernando are you okay with everyone else knowing?

 

nando: eh they probably know anyway

 

nando: daniel will have google translated it all for them

 

yenson: okay <3

 

nando: <3

 

yuki: bleh just get it on with

 

yenson added sharl, ham, seb, bwoah, britney, gr63, smooth operator and dannyric to the chat

 

smooth operator: sooooo

 

smooth operator: how did it go

 

nando: i love yenson

 

yenson: and i love nando

 

smooth operator: woooo!

 

dannyric: congrats fellas

 

sharl: yuk

 

sharl: who made love so sappy

 

yuki: YOU WERE THE ONE TELLING PIERRE HOW MUCH YOU LOVE HIM

 

seb: CHARLES AND PIERRE ARE IN LOVE?!

 

seb: KIMI

 

seb: HES IN LOVE

 

bwoah: congratulations all of you

 

bwoah: now go and kiss somewhere else please 

 

sharl: >:(

 

sharl: that goes for lewis and seb too

 

bwoah: especially them

 

ham: THERES NOTHING BETWEEN ME AND SEB

 

sharl: THEN WHY ARE YOU ALWAYS HANGING OU TOGETHER

 

ham: BECAUSE WERE FRIENDS

 

ham: THATS WHAT FRIENDS DO

 

dannyric: WHY ARE WE ALL SHOUTING

 

britney: THATS JUST WHAT HAPPENS IN THIS GROUP CHAT

 

yuki: LETS ALL JUST SHOUT

 

gr63: OK IM SHOUTING TOO THEN

 

ham: AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHRRRRGHH

 

yenson: nando

 

yenson; wanna get out of here

 

nando: absolutely 

 

yenson: <3

 

Chapter 16: the debate

sharl: i have a question

 

gr63: you have the ability to create and comprehend questions?

 

sharl: and you don't have the ability to shut up?

 

sharl: anyway

 

sharl: my question 

 

sharl: in the entire world

 

sharl: do you think there are more legs or more eyes

 

ham: definitely legs

 

ham: think about all the creepy shit like millipedes and centipedes

 

seb: yes but what about fish?

 

seb: they've got to bring the leg numbers right down 

 

gr63: so the question really is are there more insects or fish in the world

 

britney: i looked it up and it says there's around 3.5 trillion fish in the world compared to 10-100 trillion insects in the world 

 

ham: a trillion? really? damn that's big

 

britney: "damn that's big"

 

britney: where have i heard that before?

 

ham: SHUT UP NICO

 

sharl: does nico have like a really big house or something?

 

seb:

 

seb: yes charles

 

seb: im sure that's what they're talking about.

 

ham: ANYWAY

 

ham: that leads us to the conclusion that there are in fact more legs than eyes in the world

 

seb: well

 

seb: i guess you were right then.

 

ham: HA

 

britney: yeah seb if you want to be with lewis you're gonna have to get used to him always being right. 

 

ham: NICO WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM

 

britney: YOU

 

seb: im gonna go

 

sharl: same

 

gr63: bye

Chapter 17: the boredom

sharl: ppffftttt

 

sharl: ppppfffffttttttt

 

sharl: pppfffFFFFttttt

 

sharl: pftpftpffffftTtTttTtTtTtT

 

gr63: WILL YOU PLEASE SHUT UP

 

sharl: im bored

 

gr63: WE CAN SEE THAT

 

smooth operator: charles we're literally in a team meeting right now 

 

sharl: EXACTLY

 

sharl: mattia just goes on and on and ON

 

gr63: haha sucks to be a ferrari driver

 

smooth operator: at least we're winning races 

 

dannyric:

 

dannyric: you mean charles is winning races?

 

smooth operator:

 

smooth operator: be quiet or i will get lando to break into your drivers room and boot your australian ass back to the kangaroos 

 

dannyric: rude

 

dannyric: why don't you just come do it yourself you're here often enough anyway

 

smooth operator: what am i not allowed to visit my old team?

 

dannyric: you and lando

 

dannyric: are SO loud

 

smooth operator: i am not aware of the meaning of the words that are coming out of your mouth.

 

smooth operator: adios

 

smooth operator left the chat

 

yuki: NO CARLOS

 

yuki: now i have none of my favourite ferrari drivers left in this chat :(

 

sharl: im still here?

 

yuki: who are you

 

sharl: im

 

yuki: the one who stole pierre?

 

yuki: thought so.

 

dannyric: anyway all im saying is i understand valtteri's 2017 pain

 

dannyric: it's no wonder he turned to porridge as a coping mechanism.

 

sharl: porridge is goated

 

gr63: since when does charles know what 'goated' means

 

sharl: idk i heard lando say it

 

gr63: fair enough

 

gr63: porridge is pretty goated 

 

sharl: SHIT SHIT SHIT MATTIA CAUGHT ME ON MY PHONE

 

sharl: GOODBYE MY FRIENDS 

 

sharl: IT WAS NICE KNOWING YOU

 

sharl: EXCEPT GEORGE

 

sharl: SEE YOU IN ANOTHER LIFE

 

gr63: my god he's done for

 

sharl: pronto?

 

sharl: this is binotto

 

dannyric: heyyyyy mattia

 

dannyric: what's popping with you these days

 

sharl: this group chat is distracting charles from driving. goodbye.

 

sharl has left the chat

 

sharl has blocked this chat

 

seb: NO CHARLES

 

seb: HES GONE

 

ham: damn

 

ham: mans made this chat what it was and now he's gone. just like that.

 

yuki: 

 

yuki: i

 

yuki: i know i said some bad things to charles but now he's gone

 

yuki: i feel sad

 

yenson: DONT FEEL SAD YUKI ITS OK

 

yenson: we can just add him back right?

 

seb: mattia's made him block the chat. the only way to add him back would be to go into his phone but that's impossible while he's in a meeting

 

ham: so we just wait until he's out the meeting?

 

seb: mattia could be watching

 

seb: we'd have to be careful about it

 

dannyric: fellas

 

dannyric: i think this a situation that calls for a serious plan.

 

gr63: and what did you happen to have in mind?

 

dannyric: ever heard of the phrase "the enemy of my enemy is my friend"?

 

gr63: yeah why?

 

dannyric: a few of us in this chat could consider charles as somewhat of an enemy 

 

ham: daniel

 

ham: don't tell me you're saying 

 

dannyric: there's only one thing we can do.

Chapter 18: the verstappening

dannyric added maximus to the chat

 

maximus: hello? 

 

maximus: what is this chat for

 

dannyric: max

 

dannyric: we need your help

 

maximus: for fucks sake mate

 

maximus: why ME

 

seb: please max your our last resort

 

maximus: well isn't that nice 

 

maximus: im just a last resort to you guys.

 

maximus: simply lovely

 

dannyric: max please

 

maximus: fucking bullshit mate 

 

ham: max please just help us

 

maximus: AND YOUVE GOT LEWIS IN HERE?

 

maximus: IM DONE WITH THIS SHIT

 

maximus left the chat

 

seb: mein gott

 

ham: daniel this isn't going to work he doesn't want anything to do with like half of the drivers in this chat

 

yuki: hey don't bring me into this

 

yuki: max said i was a faster driver than him in japanese

 

yenson: yes you and max make great friends yuki.

 

yuki: :)

 

britney: but what do we do then?

 

ham: oh wow look who's showed up

 

ham: decided to care?

 

britney: im concerned for charles.

 

seb: lewis please just let the brocedes drama go for ONE BIT.

 

ham: alright seb. im sorry.

 

seb: it's ok don't apologise 

 

seb: it's a stressful time for everyone right now

 

ham: <3

 

britney:

 

dannyric:

 

nando: 

 

yenson:

 

yuki:

 

gr63

 

ham: damn it's quiet without anyone to comment on me and seb

 

gr63: so you ARE together?

 

britney: I DONT THINK THAT WAS AN INVITATION TO REPLACE HIM GEORGE

 

ham: yeah george i can call up toto and tell him to reconsider your "multi year contract" if you don't SHUT UP

 

bwoah: be quiet 

 

bwoah: sebastian is panicking.

 

seb: WE DONT KNOW WHAT COULD BE HAPPENING TO HIM RIGHT NOW

 

seb: HES NEVER GONE LONGER THAN 3 MINUTES WITHOUT HIS PHONE

 

ham:

 

ham: ...and during a race?

 

seb: no he's actually just gotten very good at multitasking

 

seb: WE NEED TO SAVE HIM

 

seb: HE HDAS

 

seb: HE HAS THSIS LITTLE GAME ON HSI PUONE

 

seb: EITH THE LITTLE INTERACTIVE STRIES

 

seb: I CANT TEMMEBER THE NAME

 

gr63: 

 

gr63: don't tell me

 

gr63: im laughing 

 

ham: just say it george 

 

gr63: does he have episode?

 

seb: THATS THE ONE

 

seb: HE OWNT COPE OWHTOUT IT 

 

seb: IM

 

seb: IM PANCIGJING 

 

seb: GUIYS

 

seb: HES NOTG OGNNA BE OKAU

 

seb: GUSYS

 

bwoah: SEBASTIAN.

 

bwoah: CALM DOWN.

 

bwoah: we're going to get him back.

 

bwoah added maximus to the chat

 

maximus: ive already made it clear im not interested in helping with whatever your problem is

 

maximus: leave me the fuck alone

 

bwoah: verstappen

 

bwoah: leave this group chat and i will tie a rope around your neck.

 

seb: KIMI THATS A BIT DARK

 

bwoah: charles.

 

seb: good point

 

maximus: no...

 

maximus: don't tell me you need my help rescuing CHARLES?

 

maximus: he is the LAST person on the ENTIRE GRID i would want to help 

 

dannyric: please max 

 

dannyric: i know deep inside

 

dannyric: albeit very VERY deep inside

 

dannyric: you care.

 

dannyric: all you need to do for my plan is to distract mattia enough for us to sneak into their team meeting.

 

maximus: and what would i be getting in return?

 

dannyric:

 

dannyric: im sure i can figure something out

 

dannyric: just please help us?

 

maximus: ugh FINE

 

dannyric: YES FELLAS

 

dannyric: OPERATION RESCUE LECHAIR IS UNDERWAY!

Chapter 19: the operation: rescue lechair pt. 1

dannyric: alrighty 

 

dannyric: step one of my plan

 

dannyric added smooth operator to the chat

 

dannyric: we have our inside man.

 

smooth operator: you do understand im risking my life to do this?

 

nando: you can do it carlos

 

nando: i believe in you

 

smooth operator: thanks fernando :)

 

nando: :)

 

smooth operator: :)

 

nando: :)

 

yenson: alright folks get a move on we dont have time to adopt another 20 something year old

 

dannyric: okay carlos

 

dannyric: what is charles' current location?

 

smooth operator: at the other end of this long table we're all sitting at

 

smooth operator: i can see the sweat dripping from his brow

 

smooth operator: i think he's in withdrawal 

 

gr63: what can a man do without reading gripping thrillers on episode

 

dannyric: okay and now this is where we implement THE MAXIMUS

 

dannyric: MAXIMUS! I CHOSE YOU!

 

maximus: im not a fucking pokemon but ok

 

maximus: here goes nothing

 

dannyric: OPERATION AGO

 

dannyric: I CANT SEE ANYTHING LEWIS DO YOU HAVE EYES ON THE WINDOW

 

ham: he's making his way towards the door

 

ham: ooooo he does not have much stealth

 

ham: HES IN THROUGH THE DOOR

 

ham: little bit reckless if i must say

 

ham: sorta like his driving 

 

maximus: IM STILL HERE YOU KNOW

 

ham: hey "im still here you know"

 

ham: you should say that to anyone you try drive round the outside of

 

ham: it'd save you a LOT of collisions

 

maximus: SHUT UP IM THE ONE TRYING TO RESCUE CHARLES HERE

 

maximus: SHIT SHIT SHIT

 

maximus: MATTIAS SPOTTED ME

 

maximus: pronto?

 

maximus: this is binotto.

 

maximus: we are escorting max off the property and reporting red bull for spying.

 

britney: spygate part 2?

 

ham: NO.

 

nando: NO.

 

maximus: i will not let charles be re-added to this chat. goodbye.

 

dannyric: MAN DOWN

 

dannyric: I REPEAT MAN DOWN

 

dannyric: CODE RED

 

albono: did someone say red?

 

gr63: alex how did you get here???

 

albono: oh sorry i just thought someone was gonna dye their hair red

 

albono: bye

 

error code 404: albono joined and left the chat

 

gr63: well that was weird

 

gr63: BUT WHAT DO WE DO NOW?

 

dannyric: im all out of ideas fellas.

 

dannyric: that was our last hope.

 

nando: NO

 

nando: there is another way

 

dannyric: quick what is it???

 

nando: i'll need to add an old friend back

 

nando: he won't be happy after his only impression of this chat was the ice cream incident 

 

nando: but i think he can help.

Chapter 20: the operation: rescue lechair pt. 2

nando added otmar to the chat 

 

otmar: what now?

 

otmar: i don't care how sad kimi is this time, he's not coming into our garage to get the ice cream.

 

yenson: otmar we need your help

 

yuki: we need your team principal powers 

 

yuki: like franz tost

 

ham: who?

 

britney: toast man

 

ham: french toast?

 

britney: yes french toast

 

ham: ooo nico we should go get french toast tomorrow

 

britney: mm good idea

 

dannyric: um fellas?

 

dannyric: we're sort of in the middle of tryna save a moneqascish chair man

 

ham: oh yeah that

 

yenson: otmar we need you to add the rest of the team principals to this chat EXCEPT binotto

 

seb: fuck binotto

 

yenson: what was that?

 

seb: what?

 

yenson: what?

 

nando: what?

 

ham: what?

 

britney: what?

 

gr63: what?

 

yuki: what?

 

smooth operator: what?

 

maximus: what?

 

bwoah: what?

 

otmar: what?

 

seb: anyway

 

seb: otmar please add the rest of the team principals 

 

otmar added toto, christian, andreas, zak, french toast , mike, jost, fred, and guenther to the chat

 

toto: hello?

 

christian: oh for fucks sake 

 

christian: toto what are you doing here?

 

toto: i should be saying the same about you

 

toto: have you come to manipulate another championship? 

 

fred: what are you two on about

 

guenther: HAHA you're so stupid fred 

 

gr63: was that a drive to survive reference?

 

guenther:

 

guenther: he does not fok smash my door

 

ham: HE DID IT 

 

ham: HE SAID THE THING

 

christian: anyway. first off, why on earth are we here? 

 

zak: i don't know about you christian but im just here for the vibes :D

 

andreas: you're always just there for the vibes, zak.

 

zak: come on andreas you know you're a party man too

 

dannyric: yeah andreas you know how to party

 

andreas: dance dance

 

dannyric: im giving you a thumbs up through the screen

 

seb:

 

seb: you know you can say that in a much quicker way by just putting *thumbs up*

 

ham: NO NO YOU CANT

 

ham: NO ASTERISKS 

 

seb: *shrugs*

 

ham: *reaches through the screen and sTRANGLES YOU*

 

yenson: guys let's focus

 

dannyric: yes fellas

 

dannyric: we need you team principals to distract binotto so we can save charles 

 

mike: from what?

 

seb: he's been without his phone for t-minus 8 minutes 

 

christian: that does sound bad

 

dannyric: this is why you need to help

 

jost: but how do we do that?

 

guenther: fred has the good looks to distract them

 

fred: HAHA guenther STOP

 

dannyric: im sure you fellas can figure something out

 

christian: toto

 

christian: i hate to suggest this

 

christian: but we COULD

 

christian:

 

christian: we could work together to distract him.

 

toto: we might not have another choice.

 

christian: okay

 

christian: let's do this

 

christian: i'll break into the garage (i could probably rope helmut into helping as well) we can then pretend to spy on the car

 

toto: and i'll break into the meeting to pretend to mattia that ive just caught you spying

 

christian: and we could both get some real spying done in the process!

 

smooth operator: i don't know how to feel about letting this happen to my own team

 

toto: be quiet

 

toto: we're heading in.

 

seb: 

 

yenson:

 

nando:

 

ham: 

 

britney:

 

gr63: 

 

yuki: 

 

smooth operator: 

 

maximus:

 

bwoah: 

 

otmar: 

 

andreas: 

 

zak:

 

french toast: 

 

mike:

 

jost:

 

fred: 

 

guenther:

 

christian: HMMM MATTIA THIS CAR LOOKS VERY INTERESTING

 

christian: WHAT MIGHT HAPPEN IF I WERE TO, SAY, TOUCH THE REAR WING?

 

toto: FIFTY THOUSAND EURO FINE RIGHT NOW. MATTIA, YOU'RE BEING SPYED ON.

 

ham: i can still see through the window-

 

ham: MATTIA HAS LEFT HES NOW STARING DOWN CHRISTIAN AND TOTO

 

ham: TOTO JUST DROP KICKED HIM

 

ham:  CHRISTIANS KARATE CHOPPED HIS MCDONALDS UNIFORM

 

ham: ferrari uniform* sorry about that they're just so similar

 

ham: SOMETHING JUST FELL OUT OF MATTIA'S POCKET

 

ham: ITS

 

ham: ITS-

 

ham; ITS A PHONE!

 

ham: TOTO HAS THE PHONE!

 

seb: CAN YOU SEE CHARLES

 

smooth operator: IM WITH CHARLES

 

smooth operator: WE ARE OUT I CAN CONFIRM WE ARE OUT OF THE MEETING ROOM AND ON OUR WAY TO MEET TOTO RIGHT NOW

 

smooth operator: THERE HE IS

 

toto: I CAN GIVE CHARLES HIS PHONE BACK

 

toto: there you are young man

 

seb: is he back?

 

seb: KIMI WE'VE SAVED HIM

 

bwoah: 

 

sharl unblocked this chat

 

toto added sharl to the chat

 

seb: 

 

yenson:

 

nando:

 

ham: 

 

britney:

 

dannyric:

 

gr63: 

 

yuki: 

 

smooth operator: 

 

maximus: 

 

bwoah: 

 

otmar: 

 

andreas: 

 

zak:

 

french toast: 

 

mike:

 

jost:

 

fred: 

 

guenther:

 

sharl: guys?

 

dannyric: AYYYYYYYYY WE DID IT

 

seb: CHARLES YOURE OKAY

 

seb: THIS IS THE MOST RELIEVED IVE EVER FELT IN MY ENTIRE LIFE

 

ham: I CANT BELIEVE TOTO AND CHRISTIAN PULLED IT OFF

 

yenson: we're very glad to have you back charles

 

sharl: that was scary 

 

sharl: mattia had my phone in front of him on the desk

 

sharl: i could see it

 

sharl: but i couldn't have it 

 

seb: oh my god that must've been so hard for you charles 

 

sharl: it was :(

 

seb: but you're safe now

 

bwoah: we've got you

 

sharl: thanks guys (｡◕‿◕｡)

 

seb: (｡◕‿◕｡)

 

yuki: hey i used the faces first ಠ_ಠ

 

sharl: ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

 

ham: what a day though man

 

gr63: honestly  

 

christian: sorry to ruin your moment there but can we leave now?

 

dannyric: on you go 

 

toto, christian, andreas, zak, otmar, french toast, mike, jost, fred, and guenther left the chat

 

seb: well that was certainly eventful

 

dannyric: but it was a success in the end 

 

smooth operator: yeah i guess it went really well

 

smooth operator: you could say it was a...

 

seb: no

 

yenson: please don't 

 

nando: NO LO DIGAS CARLOS

 

ham: PLEASE STOP

 

britney: im blocking you if you do this

 

gr63: TOTO COME BACK I NEED SAVED

 

yuki: im excited to hear it (｡◕‿◕｡)

 

bwoah: i'm not

 

maximus: fuck this

 

dannyric: JUST DONT

 

smooth operator: it was a smooth operation 

 

smooth operator: smooooooth operatiooonnnn

 

sharl: you know what

 

sharl: yes it was

 

sharl: thanks guys 

 

dannyric: operation: rescue lechair

 

dannyric: SUCCESS

 

sharl: ok can i go back to reading episode now

 

seb: of course charles

 

seb: you do you

Chapter 21: the breakdown

sharl: you know 

 

sharl: i was thinking

 

gr63: you think?

 

sharl: shut up you already made that joke about ten chapters ago

 

sharl: i was thinking about how sewis is almost definitely real 

 

sharl: but seb and kimi are like my parents?

 

gr63: since when were they your parents

 

sharl: do you literally just not pay attention to this chat

 

gr63: no not really

 

gr63: i actually have a life 

 

sharl: no you don't stop lying to yourself 

 

sharl: you spend all your time in team meetings

 

gr63: i don't know what to tell you mate the results speak for themselves

 

gr63: top 5 in every race so far.

 

sharl: mmm but where is the flavour 

 

gr63: what?

 

sharl: the FLAVOUR

 

sharl: where is your dramatic spin at imola?

 

sharl: where is your grand slam win in australia?

 

gr63: and where is your championship lead?

 

sharl:

 

maximus: NICE ONE GEORGE

 

gr63: THANKS MAX

 

sharl: both of you

 

sharl: go fuck yourselves

 

smooth operator: charles why so dramatic 

 

sharl: carlos why so winless?

 

smooth operator:

 

nando: i think carlos is crying 

 

smooth operator: NO IM NOT

 

yuki: he is i can hear him through the wall

 

smooth operator:

 

nando:

 

sharl: 

 

gr63:

 

maximus:

 

dannyric:

 

ham:

 

seb:

 

britney:

 

yenson:

 

bwoah:

 

maximus: yuki where the fuck are you?

 

yuki: what i followed pierre into the ferrari garage 

 

yuki: he wanted to talk to charles so they left and now im waiting in charles's driving room

 

seb: what did pierre want to talk about?

 

yuki: ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

 

yuki: he seemed kinda angry though

 

seb: oh no

 

seb: is that was this is about

 

ham: seb wdym

 

seb: maybe that's why charles has been acting so mean towards everyone 

 

sharl: im not being mean im just making good comebacks

 

ham: they are pretty good comebacks tbf

 

britney: not as good as ours though

 

ham: yeah no definitely not

 

seb: *coughs*

 

seb: ahem

 

ham: seb you don't need to say 'ahem' when you've already clarified tHROUGH THE ASTERISKS THAT YOU COUGHED

 

seb: oh sorry what was that?

 

seb: ah yes i was just telling nico to go away

 

britney: tf did i do?

 

seb: moving on

 

seb: charles?

 

sharl: what.

 

seb: did you and pierre fight?

 

sharl: 

 

sharl: 

 

sharl: maybe

 

sharl: but what about it?

 

sharl: all i said was that blastoise is better than charizard and he went MAD

 

sharl: im SORRY that charizard is so BASIC

 

sharl: BLASTOISE IS A TURTLE WITH CANNONS

 

sharl: WHAT MORE COULD YOU WANT

 

gr63: wow i thought as a ferrari driver you'd prefer fire types

 

sharl: NO

 

sharl: THEYRE SO BAD

 

yuki: STOP BEING MEAN ABOUT CHARIZARD

 

yuki: I WILL NOT LET YOU BULLY HIM

 

yuki: HES AN INNOCENT FIRE DRAGON LIZARD THAT JUST WANTS TO LEARN HOW TO FLY

 

ham: how to train your dragon?

 

britney: no lewis i think they're talking about pokemon 

 

seb: nico shut up

 

britney: WHAT HAVE I DONE

 

yuki: CHARIZARD IS THE COOLEST POKÉMON

 

sharl: PIERRE SAID THAT TOO YUKI MAYBE YOU'RE JUST COPYING HIS OPINIONS

 

yuki: BUT I LIKED POKEMON BEFORE HIM SO MAYBE HES COPYING ME

 

yenson: yuki calm down it's okay

 

yuki: NO

 

nando: yes yenson let him defend his pokeman.

 

ham: pokemon*

 

britney: YOU DIDNT EVEN KNOW WHAT WE WERE TALKING ABOUT UNTIL TWO SECONDS AGO

 

ham: its sebs influence

 

seb: proper spelling is important 

 

ham: it is!

 

seb: :)

 

ham: :)

 

sharl: YOU'RE NOT MY REAL DAD

 

ham: WHO SAID I WAS

 

yuki: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

 

sharl: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

 

bwoah: fuck it why not

 

bwoah: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

 

sharl: just STOP

 

sharl: i get kidnapped by mattia, pierre has a fight with me, yuki has a fight with me, all while seb is running off with lewis and RUINING simi!!!!!

 

seb:

 

ham:

 

bwoah:

 

seb: is that was this is all about?

 

sharl: YES

 

sharl: are you with lewis or not? just say it. im sick and tired of not knowing.

 

seb: no.

 

sharl: so is simi real?

 

seb:

 

seb: also no apparently 

 

bwoah: i thought we were still having friend ice cream

 

seb: we are!

 

seb: i like the friend ice cream

 

dannyric: fellas im really concerned that ice cream is a metaphor for something here

 

ham: no they literally eat ice cream together everyday 

 

yenson: it's adorable when they're not breaking into the alpine garage

 

seb: simi besties for life right?

 

ham: seb saying 'besties' feels wrong

 

sharl: shut up bestie

 

gr63: definitely not the correct usage of bestie 

 

sharl:  mmm no an incorrect usage would be using it to describe you and lewis

 

gr63: SHUT UP

 

ham: nah george we're besties don't worry

 

gr63: really?

 

ham: no lmao

 

gr63: ffs what am i doing here then

 

sharl: annoying me

 

gr63: fair enough

 

gr63: but it's only because you're annoying me back 

 

sharl: I HAVE GOOD REASONING.

 

seb: CHARLES.

 

seb: please just try and talk things out with pierre. i can come and see you afterwards if you need to talk about anything.

 

sharl: 

 

sharl: ok

 

sharl: thanks seb

 

seb: *thumbs up*

 

ham: AAAAGGWHSNCJKQJEIIRBFJEJBQBWBD

Chapter 22: the maxiel (freeform)

dannyric: ki ki ki rA

 

dannyric: EY

 

maximus: ki ki AY

 

maximus: wuu2

 

dannyric: just back from a run

 

dannyric: lotta sweat

 

maximus: is that real sweat?

 

dannyric: it's real sweat

 

dannyric: i'm a high performance athlete 

 

dannyric: athletes sweat.

 

dannyric: sweat baby

 

dannyric: ki ki ki rraa 

 

dannyric: sweat sweat

 

dannyric: rr rr

 

maximus: btw

 

maximus: you never gave me anything for helping save charles

 

dannyric: i mean did you REALLY help though

 

maximus: I RAN INTO FERRARI'S GARAGE AND GOT MY PHONE STOLEN BY BINOTTO

 

dannyric: what?

 

dannyric: are you saying something?

 

dannyric: i can't hear you sorry

 

maximus: fuck you 

 

dannyric: nah mate i'll pop round to yours

 

maximus: im in the sim tho

 

dannyric: mate

 

dannyric: i have keys

 

maximus: oh yeah i forgot i gave you them 

 

dannyric: YOUR FAVOURITE AUSTRALIAN IS ON THE WAY

 

maximus: idk if i should be excited or scared

Chapter 23: the fellas is it gay to

dannyric: fellas 

 

dannyric: is it gay to sleep with another man

 

gr63: WHAT ON EARTH ARE YOU AND MAX DOING

 

dannyric: answer the question.

 

britney: it's not gay as long as you say no homo after

 

ham: yeah me and nico are the two straightest dudes you've ever met

 

dannyric: okok thank you

 

yenson: and remember it's never gay to kiss the homies goodnight

 

nando: what about me :(

 

yenson: not you fernando

 

nando: :)

 

yenson: <3

 

ham: ok you two go back to discussing kids while lying in bed and stealing each other's phones or whatever weird shit you do

 

dannyric: so we just have to say no homo right

 

gr63: please confirm who is WE?

 

dannyric: no one im just asking for a friend

 

gr63: what friend?

 

dannyric:

 

dannyric:

 

dannyric: charles

 

gr63: CHARLES wanted to know whether it's gay to sleep with a dude?

 

gr63: at least make it believable daniel

 

sharl: yeah no me and pierre are just gay

 

yuki: YOU DONT HAVE TO BRING IT UP EVERY OTHER MESSAGE CHARLES WE GET IT

 

yenson: okay yuki's getting angry let's just end this conversation here nice chatting with you all

 

dannyric: thanks for the advice fellas

 

seb: *thumbs up*

 

ham:

 

ham: im too old for this shit

Chapter 24: the toast

ham: i'm concerned for valtteri

 

seb: why?

 

ham: he had toast for breakfast today instead of porridge

 

seb: that is

 

seb: extremely worrying SOUND THE ALARMS

 

sharl: NEE NAW NEE NAW NEE NAW NEE NAW

 

ham: CALM DOWN

 

ham: maybe we could just... ask him why?

 

seb:

 

seb: i guess that's more logical

 

sharl: can i keep making alarm sounds though it's really fun

 

seb: go for it

 

sharl: NEE NAW NEE NAW WEE WOO WEE WOO

 

maximus: haha funny clown

 

ham: ok remember STAY CALM

 

ham added porridge to the chat

 

porridge: hello?

 

ham: VALTTERI ARE YOU BEING HELD CAPTIVE? WHOS THREATENING YOU? IS IT TOTO? IS IT FRED? I KNEW YOU SHOULDNT HAVE TRUSTED ALFA ROMEO

 

porridge: what

 

maximus: "calm" well done

 

ham: SHUT IT MAXIPAD

 

dannyric: hshshdoqjskxiqkwi you just got maxipadded 

 

maximus: im still here why?

 

ham: VALTTERI

 

ham: TODAY

 

ham: WHAT HAPPENED TO YOUR PORRIDGE?

 

porridge: oh i just ran out of oats

 

ham:

 

ham: oh

 

ham: that makes a lot more sense than the being held hostage thing

 

porridge: i mean

 

porridge: if anyone has some spare oats i'd happily take them

 

nando: there's some at alpine

 

seb: of course there is

 

porridge: mind if i come and get some?

 

nando: sure

 

seb: grab some ice cream while you're at it

 

seb: me and kimi watched up last night

 

seb: he's still not over it

 

porridge: ok sure

 

porridge: can i leave now

 

ham: go for it

 

ham: just

 

ham: warn us next time you're gonna have toast, okay?

 

porridge: will do

 

porridge left the chat

 

ham: the valtexit part 2

 

ham: he has no time for us

 

ham: and i honestly respect that

 

seb: respect

 

yenson: respect 

 

nando: respect 

 

britney: respect

 

dannyric: respect

 

maximus: respect

 

gr63: respect

 

sharl: respect

 

yuki: respect

 

smooth operator: respect

 

bwoah: respect

Chapter 25: the evidence

dannyric: FELLAS

 

ham: do you literally not know any words other than fellas

 

dannyric: no

 

dannyric: FELLAS

 

seb: what.

 

dannyric: i just found out a way to view archived chats 

 

dannyric: allowing me to SEE INTO THE PAST

 

ham: oh no

 

seb: what did you find daniel 

 

dannyric: I HAVE FOUND INCRIMINATING EVIDENCE THAN NONE OTHER THAN MR. CHARLIE LECHAIR IS IN FACT A SEWIS SHIPPER

 

seb: WHAT?

 

ham: WHAT?

 

sharl: WHAT?

 

dannyric attached a chat from sharl

 

 sharl: b- but- sewis :(

 

sharl: that

 

sharl: that is not me

 

sharl: this must be fabricated evidence 

 

gr63: the chat doesn't lie mate

 

sharl: SHUT UP YOU WERENT EVEN IN THE CHAT AT THAT POINT

 

smooth operator: SO YOU ADMIT ITS REAL

 

sharl: YEAH OK IT IS

 

sharl: I SAID THAT BUT NOW I TAKE IT BACK WHAT ABOUT IT

 

ham: to be honest im still just mad about the fact you typed out yourself stuttering over text message

 

sharl: b- b- b- but I DONT CARE

 

sharl: SEWIS IS DUMB

 

seb: it's also never been real

 

britney: hey

 

britney: just like lewis's commitment to our relationship

 

ham: YOU DICK

 

sharl: aw so cute

 

britney: what

 

sharl: sorry ive decided to become a brocedes shipper to prove i hate sewis

 

ham: tf is a brocedes

 

sharl: you and nico obviously 

 

britney: why?

 

gr63: because you were bros at mercedes

 

ham: not for long lmao

 

britney: i suppose brocedes is a cooler name that sewis

 

smooth operator: sewis sounds like sewer

 

ham: hey thats where nico lives

 

britney: are you calling monaco a sewer

 

sharl: don't insult my homeland

 

ham: geez ok sorry

 

sharl: are we clear now that i am NOT a sewis shipper?

 

ham:

 

britney

 

seb: 

 

yenson:

 

nando:

 

gr63: 

 

maximus:

 

yuki: 

 

smooth operator:

 

dannyric: sure

 

sharl: GOOD

Chapter 26: the lidl drama

ham: ...seb?

 

seb: mhm?

 

ham:

 

ham: why are you on the news for fighting an old lady?

 

sharl: HUH?

 

britney: HUH?

 

maximus: HUH?

 

dannyric: HUH?

 

yenson: HUH?

 

nando: HUH?

 

gr63: HUH?

 

yuki: HUH?

 

smooth operator: HUH?

 

bwoah:

 

seb: no reason *shrugs*

 

ham:

 

ham: 

 

ham: conceal your rage lewis conceal your rage

 

ham: YOU BEAT UP AN OLD LADY FOR NO REASON?

 

seb: what she deserved it

 

yenson: in what situation would an innocent old lady deserve to get beaten up?

 

nando: yes sebastian why such a dickhead

 

seb: SHE WAS NOT INNOCENT AND I DIDNT BEAT HER UP

 

britney: THEN WHAT HAPPENED?

 

seb: i

 

seb: she

 

seb: it's embarrassing 

 

ham: spit it out

 

seb:

 

seb: she beat me up

 

ham: what?

 

britney: what?

 

ham: wait

 

ham: oh no

 

ham: do you guys hear that too?

 

seb: 

 

yenson:

 

britney:

 

gr63: 

 

maximus:

 

dannyric:

 

yuki: 

 

smooth operator: 

 

ham: JENSON TAKE COVER

 

yenson: IM OUT

 

yenson: IM SAFE

 

yenson: YUKIS OUT TOO

 

yenson: I CAN STILL HEAR HIM THOUGH

 

seb: can someone please explain what's going on

 

britney: and can someone clarify whether yuki is now living with jenson and fernando

 

yuki: no i was there to make some toast

 

yuki: i was hungry and i don't have a toaster

 

britney: fair enough

 

yenson: ITS FERNANDO'S REVENGE LAUGH

 

seb: WHAT DOES HE WANT REVENGE ON ME FOR THOUGH

 

ham: probably 2012

 

seb: good point 

 

seb: BUTS ITS NOT THAT FUNNY

 

seb: i got beaten up by an old lady what about it

 

seb: are you saying that it's embarrassing i got beaten up by a woman? because that sounds pretty sexist to me

 

ham: no it's funny that you got beaten up by a ninety year old lady in the freezer isle at lidl

 

maximus: so that's funny but im not allowed to say someone's driving like a grandma

 

ham: no lmao 

 

seb: IT WAS FOR A NOBLE CAUSE

 

ham: WHAT NOBLE CAUSE

 

seb:

 

seb:

 

bwoah: 

 

seb: kimi needed ice cream

 

ham: oh

 

ham: BUT HOW DOES THAT LEAD TO YOU FIGHTING AN OLD LADY

 

seb: SHE TOOK THE LAST ICE CREAM TUB

 

seb: KIMIS FAVOURITE

 

seb: SHE TRIED TO TAKE IT FOR HERSELF

 

seb: I TRIED TO ASK POLITELY IF I COULD HAVE IT BUT THEN SHE WAS LIKE "aRe yOu tHat sEbaStiAn vEtteL frOm tHe fOrmUla onE?" AND I WAS LIKE "bet" AND THEN SHE STARTED HITTING ME WITH HER PURSE

 

seb: I THINK SHES AUSTRALIAN AND STILL MAD ABOUT MULTI 21 FOR MARK

 

webman: AS SHE SHOULD

 

nando: MARK HOW DID YOU GET HERE

 

mASSa: same way as i did

 

nando: HOW

 

ham: IS THAT GLOCK

 

mASSa: NO ITS NOT

 

mASSa left the chat

 

webman left the chat

 

ham: that was strange

 

britney: you're strange

 

ham: SHUT UP

 

ham: SEB GET BACK TO THE STORY OF HOW YOU GOT BEATEN UP

 

seb: OK SO ANYWAY AFTER SHE HIT ME WITH HER PURSE SHE STARTED HITTING ME WITH HER WALKING STICK AND AT THIS POINT THERE WERE CAMERAS EVERYWHERE ASKING TO SPEAK TO ME

 

seb: AND OF COURSE THAT MADE KIMI RUN AWAY BECAUSE INTERVIEWS EW

 

ham: WAIT SO KIMI JUST STOOD THERE AND WATCH YOU GET BODIED BY THIS OLD LADY 

 

bwoah: yes

 

seb: DONT BRING KIMI INTO THIS HES STILL UPSET ABOUT THE ICE CREAM

 

ham: SO YOU DIDNT GET IT IN THE END?

 

seb: NO

 

seb: THE STAFF THOUGHT I WAS THE ONE ATTACKING HER SO THEY ESCORTED ME OUT AND THATS HOW I ENDED UP ON THE NEWS

 

seb: AND NOW KIMIS SAD BECAUSE WE COULDNT HAVE ICE CREAM TODAY

 

yenson: fernando

 

yenson: for just this once

 

yenson: why don't you get the ice cream from alpine

 

nando: haha 

 

nando: no

 

bwoah: 

 

nando: fine

 

nando: here

 

bwoah: :)

 

ham: so what's the moral of the story here 

 

britney: don't get beaten up by old people?

 

ham: no you idiot

 

ham: its that if you want anything from fernando just make kimi sad

 

seb: SIR LEWIS CARL DAVIDSON HAMILTON-LARBALESTIER IF YOU EVER MAKE KIMI SAD ON PURPOSE I WILL PERSONALLY MARCH TO ENGLAND AND CRUSH YOU WITH YOUR 103 POLE POSITION TYRES

 

ham: JESUS SEB OKAY

 

ham: I WONT THEN

 

bwoah: good

 

ham: i feel attacked rn

 

britney: good

 

ham: fuck you nico

 

britney: not since 2017

 

sharl:

 

seb: YOUVE TRAUMATISED HIM AGAIN

 

ham: AHRRFHFHFHFH

Chapter 27: the revenge laugh

britney: by the way 

 

britney: did we ever find out why fernando was revenge laughing at kimi back during the ice cream incident

 

nando: he knew about me and yenson

 

seb: KIMI?

 

seb: you never told me?

 

ham: how did he know though

 

yenson: he just knows everything

 

bwoah: russell and albon.

 

gr63: KIMI

 

ham: not surprising 

 

ham: happy for you

 

gr63: thanks lewis that means a lot :)

 

ham: no i meant i was happy for kimi because it's impressive that he knew that before anyone else

 

gr63: 

 

gr63:

 

sharl: i think you broke him

 

ham: how

 

gr63: I THOUGHT WE WERE BEST FRIENDS

 

ham:

 

ham: yeahhh definitely 

 

gr63: ok phew

 

gr63: i panicked for a second that we weren't 

 

ham:

 

ham: haha yeah what a relief

 

ham: 

 

ham: nico save me

 

britney: omg imagine not getting any points for a whole 37 races

 

britney: how embarrassing xD

 

gr63: fuck you lot all of you

 

sharl: :D

 

britney: :D

 

ham: sorry bestie :D

Chapter 28: the domesticity

yenson: hey can you drop by the supermarket on your way home? we're out of coffee x

 

ham: um

 

britney: ?

 

sharl: im confused

 

smooth operator: you're always confused 

 

sharl: be quiet 

 

seb: jenson?

 

yenson: oh SHOOT sorry wrong chat

 

yenson: i meant to send that to fernando

 

ham: damn

 

ham: that's sickening

 

seb: what is?

 

ham: the domesticity 

 

sharl: what's bad about asking your partner to buy something at the store

 

yuki: WE GET IT CHARLES YOURE IN A COMMITTED RELATIONSHIP WITH MY TEAMMATE DRIVER FOR SCUDERIA ALPHA TAURI PIERRE GASLY

 

jenson: deep breaths yuki deep breaths

 

seb: is pierre still coming round for dinner tomorrow charles? kimis bought extra ice cream

 

sharl: yep! he's super excited

 

bwoah: no he's not he's shitting himself

 

sharl:

 

sharl: damn you saw right through my lies

 

dannyric: committed relationships are for losers

 

maximus: i know right?

 

dannyric: so dumb.

 

maximus: a COMPLETE waste of time.

 

dannyric:

 

maximus:

 

dannyric:

 

maximus:

 

dannyric: you still free tonight though?

 

maximus: absolutely.

 

sharl: i am disgusted 

 

yuki: im disgusted whenever you kiss pierre

 

porridge: and i was disgusted multiple times back in 2017

 

ham: HOW DID YOU GET HERE

 

porridge: i wish i knew 

 

gr63: i swear like half this chat is seeing someone

 

smooth operator: yes

 

smooth operator: including me

 

smooth operator: i have a girlfriend 

 

smooth operator: because im straight

 

gr63: so lando is a girl now

 

smooth operator:

 

smooth operator: landoinette 

 

gr63: LITERALLY NO ONE HERE IS STRAIGHT CARLOS YOU DONT NEED TO PRETEND

 

smooth operator: no 

 

smooth operator: because

 

sharl: oh no

 

smooth operator: im a smooth operator 

 

smooth operator: smoooooooth operator

Chapter 29: the superpowers

sharl: GIUS

 

sharl: GUYS

 

nando: im getting deja vu

 

sharl: GUYYYYYYSSSSSS

 

seb: what is it charles?

 

sharl: I THINK I HAVE SUPERPOWERS

 

maximus: ok who let him have drugs

 

sharl: NO IM SERIOUS

 

sharl: I THINK I CAN READ MINDS

 

britney: ok what am i thinking right now.

 

sharl: something about- ok why are you thinking that about lewis

 

britney: SHIT HE DOES HAVE POWERS

 

maximus: i don't like the mental image thats been put into my mind right now

 

ham: im hot tho

 

maximus: not my type

 

ham: what is your type then

 

maximus: 5'10 australian 

 

maximus: nothing too specific

 

ham:

 

ham: moving on

 

gr63: charles what am i thinking about 

 

sharl: your itinerary for your next team meeting

 

sharl: all sixteen pages of it

 

maximus: SIXTEEN PAGES?

 

maximus: george mate i think you might be overdoing it

 

gr63: no effort spent on trying to be as good as my bestie lewis is effort wasted

 

maximus: HES NOT YOUR BESTIE

 

ham: WHO ARE YOU TO DECIDE WHO IM FRIENDS WITH VERSTAPPEN

 

maximus: YOU LITERALLY TRY EVERYTHING TO GET OUT OF CALLING GEORGE YOUR FRIEND WHEN ASKED

 

ham: ME AND GEORGE ARE BEST FRIENDS AND THATS THE END OF IT 

 

ham: GO RUN OFF TO CHRISTIAN AND COMPLAIN TO THE FIA IF THAT BOTHERS YOU

 

maximus: YOU- 

 

ham: SERVES YOU RIGHT

 

gr63: guys sorry to interrupt but i have to ask

 

gr63: does this mean me and lewis are actually besties now?

 

maximus: NO

 

ham: NO

 

gr63: ok 

 

gr63: i'll just go cry while you two fight

 

maximus: GOOD

 

sharl: SO YOU BELIEVE THAT I HAVE SUPERPOWERS?

 

maximus: I DONT CARE

 

sharl: I KNEW YOU WERE THINKING THAT

 

maximus: DID YOU KNOW I WAS THINKING OF TELLING YOU TO SHUT UP

 

sharl: i did actually 

 

sharl: it hurt my feelings

 

maximus: oh

 

maximus: sorry

 

sharl: YOURE NOT ACTUALLY SORRY

 

maximus: NOPE

Chapter 30: the sbinotto

sharl changed seb's display name to sbinalla  

 

sbinalla: CHARLES

 

sbinalla: THAT WAS SO UNCALLED FOR

 

sharl: 

 

sbinalla: CHARLES MARC HERVÉ PERCEVAL LECLERC DO NOT IGNORE ME

 

sbinalla: WHAT WAS THAT FOR

 

sharl: 

 

sharl: WAIT WHAT

 

sharl: OH MY GOD

 

sbinalla: WHY WOULD YOU DO THIS

 

bwoah: charles.

 

sharl: IM SORRY IM SORRY

 

sharl: MATTIA STOLE MY PHONE 

 

sbinalla: AGAIN?

 

sharl: YES

 

sharl: HE MUSTVE GONE ONTO THIS CHAT AND CHANGED YOUR NAME

 

maximus: and people say christian's the worst team prinicipal...

 

gr63: he doesn't have as much suave as toto though

 

britney: pfft

 

britney: you clearly haven't known toto very long

 

ham: he looses all that "suave" very quickly after catching his two drivers-

 

sbinalla: THERE ARE CHILDREN HERE 

 

yenson: YES LEWIS THERE ARE CHILDREN HERE

 

sharl: IM 24

 

yuki: IM 22

 

nando: yuki is very grown up 

 

nando: very responsible

 

yuki: thank you fernando :)

 

nando: :)

 

yenson: ugh youre such a good adoptive parent fernando 

 

nando:

 

nando: mierda

 

ham: EVERYONE KNOWS YOURE IN LOVE WITH JENSON FERNANDO YOU DONT NEED TO START SPEAKING SPANISH EVERYTIME HE COMPLIMENTS YOU

 

nando: ES SOLO UNA REACCION AUTOMATICA NO PUEDO PARARLO

 

sbinalla: can someone please just change my name back

 

sharl: i'll do it i'll do it im sorry

 

sharl: wait

 

sharl: why isn't it working?

 

sharl: is it working for anyone else?

 

sharl: guys?

 

dannyric: i'll try

 

dannyric: yeah no sorry mate nothings happening

 

dannyric: must be a glitch

 

sbinalla: so im stuck with this display name?

 

sbinalla:

 

sbinalla

 

sbinalla:

 

bwoah: cover your ears.

 

sbinalla:

 

sbinalla: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Chapter 31: the dinner

sharl removed sbinalla from the chat

 

sharl removed bwoah from the chat

 

maximus: ok charles what the fuck are you doing mate

 

sharl: SSSSHSHHSHSHSHH

 

britney: yeah charles what are you doing

 

gr63: now i really think someone's given him drugs

 

sharl: IVE NOT HAD ANY DRUGS

 

sharl: unless you count two glasses of wine

 

dannyric: i dont

 

maximus: of course you don't 

 

dannyric: what can i say maxie i like to drink

 

maximus: oh i KNOW 

 

britney:

 

britney: we'll come back to that later 

 

britney: seriously charles what's happening

 

sharl: ME AND PIERRE ARE HAVING DINNER WITH SEB AND KIMI

 

gr63: OHHH

 

ham: im still confused man

 

britney: you always were a little slow

 

ham: not on the track though

 

porridge: or at other things if nicos shouts were anything to go by

 

yenson: VALTTERI THERE ARE STILL CHILDREN HERE

 

yuki: I. AM. TWENTY-TWO!/!/!:!;!;!

 

dannyric: uh oh

 

dannyric: i dont about you

 

maximus: bUT IM FEELING TWENTY TWO

 

gr63: MAX IS A SWIFTIE?

 

maximus:  n no 

 

maximus: i hate taylor

 

maximus: ch

 

maximus: charles was listening to her

 

maximus: and i memorised the words because i hate him

 

maximus: regular rival stuff you know

 

dannyric: you don't have to pretend maxie

 

maximus:

 

maximus: JUST MOVE THE FUCK ON PEOPLE ITS NOT THAT IMPORTANT

 

sharl: WE ALL AGREE TAYLOR IS AN ICON, A LEGEND, AND ALWAYS THE MOMENT 

 

sharl: NOW BACK TO MY PROBLEM

 

sharl: ME AND PIERRE ARE HAVING DINNER WITH SEB AND KIMI

 

ham: oh god it's the meet the parents dinner

 

sharl: THEYRE NOT MY PARENTS THEIR JUST MY PARENTS

 

sharl: I MEAN THEIR NOT MY PARENTS SEB IS JUST MY DAD

 

sharl: WHAT NO I MEAN SEB IS NOT MY DAD

 

sharl: FUCK

 

ham: calm it

 

britney: remember when we had dinner with my parents lewis

 

ham: oh god

 

ham: that wasn't meet the parents though that was "heyy mr and mrs rosberg remember me your sons childhood bestfriend, lifelong rival, and now teammate? well guess what we've been fucking for the past five years!"

 

yenson: HOW LONG WAS THIS RELATIONSHIP

 

ham: YEARS JENSON

 

britney: LONG ENOUGH FOR A 100,000 WORD FANFICTION ON AO3

 

maximus: THE FUCK IS AN AO3

 

britney: ITS FOR FANFICTIONS

 

britney: IVE BEEN DOING MY RESEARCH AFTER HEARING ABOUT ALL THESE BROCEDES AND SIMI / SEWIS SHIP NAMES

 

britney: charles did you know you and pierre are called "piarles"

 

britney: and max / daniel is "maxiel"

 

maximus: we're not together though

 

dannyric: shut up max they all know

 

britney: the most popular is "carlando" though

 

smooth operator: WHAT DO YOU MEAN

 

smooth operator: I HATE LANDO

 

smooth operator: DUMB KID

 

gr63: and lando's always with you every time we try to stream because?

 

smooth operator: GO AWAY

 

sharl: GUYS PLEASE JUST HELP ME

 

sharl: THIS IS SO AWKWARD

 

sharl: SEB KEEPS TRYING TO MAKE DAD JOKES 

 

sharl: KIMI HASNT SAID A WORD THE ENTIRE TIME EXCEPT TO OFFER PIERRE ICE CREAM

 

yenson: ok charles calm down. 

 

yenson: even if all that's happening does it still seem like pierre's having a good time?

 

sharl:

 

sharl: i

 

sharl: i think so

 

yenson: see!

 

yenson: stop overthinking

 

sharl: sorry

 

sharl: i just really want this to go well

 

yenson: 

 

yenson: can i ask one question though?

 

sharl: ...ok?

 

yenson: how did you steal seb and kimi's phones?

 

sharl:

 

sharl: they 

 

sharl: they didn't have them at the table

 

sharl: i found them in the hallway

 

yenson: and where are you now?

 

sharl:

 

sharl: hiding in the bathroom

 

ham: COME ON CHARLES

 

smooth operator: IDIOTA

 

britney: YOU NEED TO STOP DOING THIS

 

yenson: HIDING WONT HELP ANYTHING

 

sharl: UGHHH FINE

 

sharl added sbinalla and bwoah to the chat

 

sharl: IM OUT OF THE BATHROOM AND I GAVE THEM THEIR PHONES BACK

 

sbinalla: what's been going on on this chat?

 

sbinalla: me and kimi were just having a discussion with pierre about the state of the healthcare system in america

 

sharl:

 

yenson: 

 

nando: 

 

ham: 

 

britney: 

 

maximus:

 

dannyric:

 

gr63: 

 

yuki: 

 

smooth operator: 

 

porridge:

 

bwoah: 

 

sharl: wot

 

sbinalla: im kidding 

 

sbinalla: we were talking about how charizard is indeed better than blastoise!

 

sharl: you

 

sharl: AAAAAAAAAAARRRGHRHFHFHFHFHGH

Chapter 32: the asmr

nando: im very confused 

 

ham: about how you haven't won a race since 2013?dw none of us are confused 

 

nando: shut it hamilton

 

yenson: yeah shut it hamilton

 

britney: YEAH SHUT IT HAMILTON

 

yuki: SHHH

 

yuki: the notifications are too loud 

 

ham: ?

 

nando: this relates to my question 

 

nando: what is asmr

 

nando: yuki keeps watching it

 

ham: autonomous sensory meridian response

 

britney: you googled that didn't you 

 

ham: 

 

ham: maybe 

 

sbinalla: hey guys what have i missed 

 

sbinalla: oh we're talking about asmr?

 

sbinalla: it stands for Autonomous Sensory Meridian Response

 

ham:

 

ham: 

 

ham: so no one's gonna question whether seb googled that?

 

britney: no i believe he just knew that off the top of his head

 

yenson: yeah that seems like a seb thing to do

 

nando: i have to agree

 

nando: i also have to ask what asmr is because none of you are helping

 

maximus: it's like tapping and stuff

 

maximus: supposed to give you tingles and shit like that

 

sharl: MAX WATCHES ASMR?

 

dannyric: every night without fail.

 

maximus: DANIEL YOU SAID YOU WOULD KEEP THAT A SECRET

 

dannyric: what it's not weird

 

ham: it is kinda weird man

 

maximus: you know what's weirder?

 

maximus: you getting demolished by george this season

 

ham: too far

 

gr63: I HAVE NO PART IN THIS

 

gr63: I DID NOT ASK TO BE INCLUDED IN THIS CONVERSATION

 

gr63: I LOVE YOU LEWIS

 

ham:

 

ham: ... 

 

dannyric: moving on

 

nando: so why does yuki keep watching this asmr

 

sharl: it's satisfying 

 

sharl: i don't know 

 

sharl: ask him

 

yuki: i don't know either 

 

yuki: it helps me sleep i guess

 

sharl: same!

 

maximus: same i guess

 

dannyric: aw maxie

 

dannyric: you know you've got me if you can't sleep :)

 

britney: no one gonna question why daniel and max are sleeping next to each other

 

sharl:

 

yenson: 

 

nando: 

 

ham: 

 

sbinalla:

 

gr63: 

 

yuki: 

 

smooth operator: 

 

porridge:

 

bwoah:

 

gr63: i thought we already established this though

 

sbinalla: oh no

 

sbinalla: it's going to be jenson and fernando all over again

 

smooth operator: at least this time i wont have to translate everything

 

ham: YOU NEVER TRANSLATED ANYTHING

 

smooth operator: yeah but i had to think about it

 

smooth operator: i can't use up all my brain power like that

 

smooth operator: i need to think of pick up lines for girls

 

gr63: and lando?

 

smooth operator: and lando

 

gr63: what?

 

smooth operator: what?

 

bwoah: bamboozled

 

sbinalla: so profound kimi 

 

bwoah: <3

Notes:

i wrote this chapter while listening to asmr lmao

Chapter 33: the rick roll

dannyric: why are there four strange looking children outside my window

 

ham: wot

 

britney: huh

 

yenson: YUKI?

 

yuki: im right here you fucking idiot 

 

nando: DONT SPEAK TO YOUR ADOPTIVE PARENT LIKE THAT YUKI

 

yuki: IM TWEnty TWO

 

dannyric: not but seriously they're staring in at me

 

sbinalla: and by children i assume you mean-

 

dannyric: charles, george, lando and alex

 

sbinalla: naturally

 

dannyric: of course 

 

dannyric: BUT WHAT COULD THEY WANT

 

dannyric: hold on

 

dannyric: are you hearing this maxie 

 

maximus: im hearing it 

 

ham: of course max is there too

 

maximus: aren't you like at nico's house right now

 

ham: what

 

ham: haha no

 

britney: yeah haha what are you talking about

 

britney: what is a lewis hamilton

 

ham: ive never even heard of a nico

 

ham: is that like the term for a german f1 driver with no podiums 

 

britney: maybe how would i know 

 

maximus: MONACOS A SMALL FUCKING COUNTRY WE CAN SEE YOU TWO WALKING AROUND TOGETHER

 

yenson: aw that's actually kinda cute

 

nando: wait

 

nando: so your sewis really isn't real?

 

sbinalla: this is what we've been saying for multiple chapters 

 

yenson: chapters?

 

sbinalla: WEEKS I MEANT WEEKS

 

yenson: mildly confused but ok

 

dannyric: LETS GET BACK TO THE CHILDREN PEOPLE

 

dannyric: THEYRE SINGING SOMETHING

 

dannyric: THEIR ALL IN SYNC ITS VERY CREEPY

 

dannyric: I THINK I RECOGNISE THE TUNE

 

maximus: I DO TOO BUT WHATS THE FUCKING TITLE AGAIN

 

dannyric: 

 

maximus:

 

dannyric: 

 

maximus:

 

dannyric:

 

maximus:

 

dannyric: wait

 

maximus: FUCK

 

sharl:

 

gr63:

 

sharl: nEVER GONNA GIVE YOU UP, NEVER GONNA LET YOU DOWN

 

dannyric: WEVE BEEN RICKROLLED MAXIE

 

maximus: FUUUUCKKKKKKKKKKKKK

 

gr63: you're welcome 

 

sharl: :D

Chapter 34: the twitch quartet

yenson: you know

 

yenson: why aren't the rest of the twitch quartet in this chat?

 

gr63: because it's funny to leave lando out of something and watch him rage

 

sharl: when he finds out he's missed out on this entire chat-

 

gr63: peak comedy mate. peak comedy.

 

yenson: ok but what about alex

 

gr63: good question actually 

 

yenson: you two don't want to expose yourselves too much? ;)

 

gr63: NO

 

sharl: yes that's exactly it

 

gr63: fuck you lot

 

gr63: im not dating alex

 

gr63: YES HE IS

 

yenson: ?

 

sharl: ?

 

gr63: sorry about that last message alex stole my phone

 

gr63: i think he was reading over my shoulder

 

gr63: dunno what he's on about though

 

gr63: WE'RE TOGETHER ITS CUTE JUST ADMIT IT GEORGE

 

sharl: pfft 

 

yenson: haha alex we get the gist 

 

gr63: :D

 

gr63: ok giving george his phone back now byeeee

 

sharl: byeeee

Chapter 35: the suck my balls mate

dannyric added kmag and hulk to the chat

 

hulk: hello?

 

ham: OH MY GOD ITS A NICO

 

ham: MAX I KNOW WHAT THEY ARE NOW

 

britney: WOAH

 

maximus: im flipping you off through the screen

 

sbinalla: *max flips off lewis*

 

ham: sebastian i swear to god

 

yenson: you did not just "sebastian" him

 

ham: I'LL DO IT AGAIN

 

bwoah: dont think of it hamilton.

 

ham: omg im so sorry apologies kimi apologies seb(no astian)

 

sbinalla: there 

 

hulk: okay first of all what the fuck.

 

hulk: second of all what the fuck?

 

kmag: yeah guys im really confused right now

 

yenson: welcome to the group chat boys

 

yenson: honestly don't know why daniel added you though

 

dannyric: I HAVE A VERY IMPORTANT QUESTION I MUST ASK

 

ham: important as in *important* or important as in like that one time charles stopped everything to ask how australians learn to walk on their hands?

 

dannyric: PROPERLY IMPORTANT

 

sharl: i never got an answer btw

 

dannyric: we have gravity boots, they stop us falling off the face of the earth

 

sharl: really?

 

dannyric: OF COURSE NOT MATE

 

dannyric: anyway 

 

dannyric: BACK TO MY QUESTION

 

kmag: what is it

 

hulk: just get it over with 

 

dannyric: alrighty here we go

 

dannyric: gentleman, a short view back to the past...

 

sbinalla: WAIT I KNOW HOW THE REST GOES

 

sbinalla: 30 years ago, niki lauda told us "take a trained monkey, place him into the cockpit, and he is able to drive the car." 30 years later, sebastian told us "i have to start my car like a computer, it's very complicated." and nico rosberg said, eh, he pressed during the race- i don't remember what race- the wrong button on the wheel. my question for you two both, is formula one driving today too complicated, with 20 and more buttons on the wheel? are you too much under effort, under pressure? eh, what are your wishes for the future concerning the technical program, eeermm, during the race? less buttons? more? or less and more communication with your engineers?

 

britney: can i ask you who that question is to? w-who do you want to answer it? who's it to?

 

sbinalla: ehhh, it's-

 

sbinalla: [me] no, no, he said! he said! he said it's for nico and myself so... you didn't listen! can you repeat the question?

 

nando: FLASHBACKS

 

nando: FLASHBAACKS

 

yenson: flashbacks indeed

 

ham: so many flashbacks

 

hulk: i was there too you know

 

ham: when

 

hulk: when what?

 

ham: did i ask

 

hulk:

 

dannyric: PLEASE JUST LET ME FINISH MY QUESTIONS

 

kmag: yes please i want to get back to being danish

 

sharl: come on kevin we all know denmark is a conspiracy theory created by the government to sell more lego

 

kmag:

 

kmag: what

 

hulk: please just hurry the fuck up

 

dannyric: RIGHT OK

 

dannyric: 3 years ago today, in 2019, when i was still at renault and still teammates with nico- i asked him a question.

 

dannyric: we were filming a video for renault when i asked him, if he would, in fact, suck kevin magnussens balls.

 

kmag: WHAT

 

hulk: fuck off

 

dannyric: this is of course in relation to when kevin said to nico in a profound statement "suck my balls mate"

 

kmag: what does this have to do with anything

 

dannyric: well my danish friend

 

kmag: why does everyone keep bringing up the fact im danish

 

ham: you brought it up first man

 

kmag: this is why i smash guenthers doors.

 

dannyric: fellas

 

dannyric: you may not be aware

 

dannyric: but nico's response to my awe-inspiring question was, in fact

 

dannyric: "fuck, everyday"

 

dannyric: NO SWEAT

 

dannyric: SO MY QUESTION TO YOU IS

 

dannyric: HAVE YOU MANAGED TO SUCK HIS BALLS IN THE TIME WE HAVE BEEN APART

 

kmag: WHAT

 

hulk: 

 

hulk:

 

hulk: yeah actually i have

 

dannyric: wait what

 

hulk: yeah we're together now

 

dannyric: HUH

 

kmag: yeah we had a whole enemies to lovers thing 

 

dannyric: oh

 

dannyric: well

 

dannyric: happy for you two i guess?

 

hulk: thanks :)

 

hulk: can we leave now

 

dannyric: sure?

 

hulk left the chat

 

kmag left the chat

 

dannyric: well that is not how i expected that to go

 

yenson: how did you think it would go?

 

dannyric: idk i thought they'd start fighting or something and it'd be funny

 

sharl: this ending was cuter though

 

gr63: you know what else would be cute?

 

gr63: if daniel and max admitted they were dating too 

 

dannyric: NO

 

maximus: FUCK OFF

 

sbinalla: ah

 

sbinalla: adorable

Chapter 36: the fish

sharl: fish

 

sbinalla: what?

 

sharl: fish

 

bwoah changed sharl's display name to shark

 

bwoah: fish

 

shark: fish

 

sbinalla: should i be scared

 

bwoah: fish 

 

sbinalla: ok im definitely scared im gonna go now

 

shark: fish

Chapter 37: the channel 4

smooth operator: can someone please tell me why british people have such an obsession with spain

 

gr63: we do not

 

gr63: self-obsessed much

 

smooth operator: then why are there so many tv shows on channel 4 about uk people moving to spain?

 

gr63: why are you watching them?

 

smooth operator: IM NOT

 

smooth operator: it's just always on whenever i go to lando's parents house

 

maximus: 

 

maximus: you know you really don't help the carlando rumours

 

smooth operator: I AM NOT DATING LANDO HE IS JUST MY FRIEND WHO I DATE AND IS ALSO BRITISH AND IS NOT WHO I DATE

 

smooth operator: british people just confuse me okay

 

gr63: whatever you say

 

nando: he is right

 

nando: this show about british people in spain

 

nando: ive seen yenson watch it too

 

nando: very stupid

 

smooth operator: SEE

 

ham: my mum always watches that too

 

gr63:

 

gr63: ok i cannot lie i have actually seen my mum watching it too

 

smooth operator: WHAT DID I TELL YOU 

 

ham: maybe it's just a universal british parent thing

 

yuki: can confirm jenson watches it all the time

 

yenson: i'd like to clarify i don't actually watch this show

 

yenson: it's just on the tv sometimes

 

nando: and yet you always seem very invested in it

 

yenson: we could move to spain

 

yuki: NO

 

yuki: NO ONE ON THAT SHOW BRINGS THEIR CHILDREN

 

yuki: YOU CANT LEAVE ME

 

yenson: OK YUKI WE'LL STAY WE WONT LEAVE DONT WORRY

 

yuki: ( ＾◡＾)

 

smooth operator: fernando does jenson have a spanish kink 

 

yenson: WHAT

 

yenson: WHY WOULD YOU ASK THAT

 

smooth operator: idk just know people who do just wondering nothing more

 

nando: kind of

 

smooth operator: HA FURTHER PROVING MY POINT THAT BRITISH PEOPLE ARE OBSESSED WITH SPAIN

 

ham: but you've only confirmed one person for your last point

 

smooth operator: no two

 

ham: so who's the second person?

 

smooth operator:

 

smooth operator:

 

smooth operator:

 

gr63: HA LANDO HAS A THING FOR SPANISH

 

gr63: IM GONNA GO TELL HIM

 

shark: HAHAHAHAH

 

gr63: ILL GET THE DUOLINGO BIRD TO STALK HIM

 

gr63: HE'LL WAKE UP AT 4AM, CHECK HIS PHONE AND SEE "DO YOUR SPANISH OR YOU'LL VANISH"

 

shark: LMAOO

 

gr63: comedy gold honestly thank you carlos

 

smooth operator: i hate you guys

 

shark: btw can someone change my name back

 

sbinalla changed shark's display name to sharl

 

sharl: thank you

 

sbinalla: can you try and do the same for mine 

 

sharl changed sbinalla's display name to seb

 

sharl: OMG IT WORKED

 

seb: TAKE THAT SBINOTTO

Chapter 38: the frozen

nando: do you know what i don't get 

 

ham: wins since 2013?

 

nando: yes but no

 

nando: i don't get why everyone prefers elsa to anna

 

ham: huh

 

maximus: i know right?! like elsa's such a bitch

 

sharl: you've seen frozen?

 

maximus: pfft what yeah haha

 

maximus: who hasn't its one of the most successful films of all time

 

yenson: fernando hadn't seen it until about 2 hours ago

 

dannyric: HE JUST WATCHED IT?

 

dannyric: IT CAME OUT NINE YEARS AGO

 

seb: NINE YEARS?

 

seb: my god i feel old

 

sharl: cos u r

 

seb: you sound like the media 

 

seb: according to them 34 is retirement age

 

gr63: ive heard oscar piastri agrees

 

gr63: not sure why though 

 

nando: MOVING ON

 

yenson: ok so yeah we took yuki to see it today because fernando had never seen it

 

britney: they still show that shit in cinemas?

 

sharl: DONT YOU DARE CALL FROZEN SHIT

 

sharl: YOUR SHIT

 

seb: you're*

 

bwoah: not now sebastian 

 

seb: oh sorry 

 

yenson: anyway

 

yenson: yuki now wants to be elsa

 

nando: and we do not understand why

 

yenson: oh wait there he is

 

yenson: hey yuki

 

yuki: the snow glows white on the mountain tonight

 

nando: oh no

 

yenson: here he goes again

 

yuki: not a footprint to be seen

 

sharl: a kINGDOM OF ISOLATION

 

yuki: AND IT LOOKS LIKE

 

sharl: IM THE QUEEN

 

ham: what is happening

 

yuki: THE WIND IS HOWLING LIKE THIS SWIRLING STORM INSIDE

 

sharl: COULDNT KEEP IT IN

 

yuki: HEAVEN KNOWS I TRIED

 

britney: i think they're dueting?

 

maximus: DONT LET THEM IN DONT LET THEM SEE

 

ham: oh god max has joined

 

dannyric: BE THE GOOD GIRL YOU ALWAYS HAVE TO BE

 

britney: daniel too?

 

gr63: CONCEAL DONT FEEL DONT LET THEM KNOW

 

ham: george you too?!

 

yuki: WELL NOW THEY KNOW 

 

smooth operator: LET IT GO

 

nando: carlos?

 

sharl: LET IT GO

 

maximus: CANT HOLD IT BACK ANYMORE

 

dannyric: LET IT GO

 

yuki: LET IT GO

 

gr63: TURN AWAY AND SLAM THE DOOR

 

yenson: fuck it

 

yenson: I DONT CARE WHAT THEYRE GOING TO SAY

 

yenson: LET THE STORM RAGE ON

 

yuki:

 

sharl:

 

maximus:

 

dannyric: 

 

gr63:

 

smooth operator:

 

yenson:

 

bwoah:

 

bwoah: the cold never bothered me anyway

 

britney: KIMI?

 

seb: ICE MAN

 

porridge: LET IT GO LET IT GO

 

porridge: I AM ONE WITH THE WIND AND SKY

 

ham: VALTTERI??/?:?

 

nando: so EVERYONE wants to be elsa?

 

yuki: yes

 

sharl: yes

 

maximus: yes

 

dannyric: yes

 

gr63: yes

 

smooth operator: yes

 

yenson: yes nando

 

ham: yes

 

britney: yes

 

seb: yes

 

porridge: yes

 

bwoah: yes

 

nando: aight

Chapter 39: the sleepiness

sharl: mmfhffmtired

 

seb: what?

 

sharl: me

 

sharl: tired

 

seb: go to sleep then it's two in the morning

 

sharl: why are you awake

 

seb: me and kimi are having two am chats 

 

seb: now tell me why YOU are awake

 

sharl: 

 

sharl: pierre isn't here 

 

sharl: he's away tonight

 

sharl: and i don't like him not being here

 

seb: 

 

seb: ok my heart is melting

 

seb: secondly, is there anything you could sleep next to in place of pierre?

 

sharl: theres

 

sharl: i have a teddy bear

 

seb: hug that then

 

sharl: good idea

 

seb: better now?

 

sharl: no not really 

 

sharl: but im tired so i'll try to sleep

 

sharl: good night seb

 

seb: good night charles, sleep tight

 

seb: 

 

seb: 

 

seb: this chat is weird when there's no one around to make fun of genuinely nice moments

 

maximus: oh im awake i just didn't care enough to make a joke

 

seb: ah well

 

seb: at least that's something

Chapter 40: the missing nando

yenson: has anyone seen nando?

 

ham: nope

 

seb: not recently 

 

britney: isn't it kind of your job to know where he is?

 

yenson: THIS IS WHY IM ASKING FOR YOUR HELP

 

yenson: i can't find him anywhere 

 

seb: when did you last see him

 

yenson: this morning

 

yenson: he went to a team meeting 

 

yenson: and just never came back

 

ham: ive always dreamt of nico doing that

 

britney: hey that's funny cause i dreamt of doing that too

 

dannyric: great minds think alike 

 

maximus: stupid minds think alike too

 

ham: who are you calling stupid verstappen 

 

maximus: you

 

ham: you know what's stupider?

 

ham: your lack of fashion sense

 

maximus: WHY ARE WE SUDDENLY ATTACKING MY FASHION

 

ham: because your wardrobe consists of red bull team shirts and jeans

 

maximus: at least i don't look like a walking highlighter 

 

ham: ITS FASHION

 

maximus: AND THE PADDOCK IS NOT A RUNWAY

 

britney: THEN WHY ARE YOU LOOKING AT HIM 

 

maximus: NICO WHY DO YOU CARE

 

britney: I DONT

 

maximus: THEN STOP SHOUTING AT ME

 

britney: my GOD what a drama queen

 

dannyric: watch it britney

 

britney: oh sorry am i insulting your "boyfriend"

 

dannyric: i feel like you're trying to be homophobic when you literally suck dick

 

britney: ITS NOT GAY IF YOU SAY NO HOMO AFTERWARDS 

 

ham: YES DANIEL WEVE BEEN THRU THIS

 

yenson: ok now can we get back to finding fernando

 

seb:

 

seb: kimi is smiling 

 

seb: something is very wrong

 

seb: why is kimi smiling

 

seb: he only smiles at ice cream and me occasionally 

 

seb: this is scaring me

 

yenson: KIMI HAVE YOU SEEN FERNANDO

 

bwoah: bwoah

 

yenson: DONT "BWOAH" ME RIGHT NOW KIMI

 

seb: maybe try asking yuki?

 

yenson: I CANT FIND YUKI EITHER

 

smooth operator: maybe hes with yuki then

 

yenson: wait carlos since you're his favourite ferrari driver maybe yuki would answer if you phoned him

 

sharl: rude

 

yenson: sorry charles it's just an objective fact

 

sharl: I KNOW BUT IT STILL HURTS

 

yenson: ITS NOT MY FAULT HES IN LOVE WITH YOUR BOYFRIEND

 

seb: EVERYONE STOP

 

seb: THIS IS BAD

 

seb: VERY VERY BAD

 

yenson: WHAT IS

 

seb: KIMI IS NOW LAUGHING

 

seb: AND NOT JUST ANY LAUGH

 

seb: ITS

 

seb: ITS

 

yenson: ITS WHAT

 

sharl:

 

ham: 

 

dannyric:

 

maximus:

 

gr63: 

 

smooth operator: 

 

porridge:

 

yenson:

 

seb: ITS KIMIS REVENGE LAUGH

 

ham: THATS A THING?

 

seb: YES 

 

seb: AND ITS TERRIFYING

 

yenson: KIMI PLEASE JUST EXPLAIN

 

bwoah: what

 

bwoah: i just took ice cream from alpine

 

yenson: oh

 

yenson: WAIT I THOUGHT THEY BANNED YOU FROM THE PREMISES

 

yenson: WHY WOULD YOU RISK IT

 

bwoah: i heard fernando wanted ice cream 

 

bwoah: so i took it before he could

 

yenson: SO WHERE IS HE

 

nando: where is who?

 

yenson: NANDO

 

yenson: OH MY FOD NANDO

 

yenson: WHERE WERE YOU?

 

yenson: I WAS WORRIED SICK

 

nando: i just took yuki to get ice cream 

 

yenson: 

 

yenson: WHAT

 

yuki: i wanted ice cream but there was none left at alpine so we went to an ice cream parlour

 

yenson: SO YOURE TELLING ME 

 

yenson: I SPENT ALL THAT TIME WORRYING FOR NO REASON

 

nando: yes

 

yenson: welp

 

yenson: at least you're safe

 

yenson: BUT YOU WENT TO GET ICE CREAM WITHOUT ME?????

 

ham: ok im gonna let the couple fight alone

 

sharl: yes im leaving 

 

smooth operator: yuki come with me let's go play minecraft

 

yuki: I FUCKING LOVE MINECRAFT

 

smooth operator: good now GO

Chapter 41: the eye bleaching (reprise)

gr63: AH FUCK

 

gr63: MY EYES

 

gr63: MY EYESSSSS

 

maximus: george mate what the fuck happened 

 

gr63: I JUST SAW

 

gr63: I WALKED IN ON NICO AND LEWIS

 

maximus: OH FUCK

 

sharl: HOLY SHIT

 

smooth operator: THAT IS NOT GOOD

 

yuki: FUCKING IDIOT GEORGE

 

porridge: 

 

porridge: i have been summoned 

 

sharl: VALTTERI HELP

 

sharl: WHAT DO WE DO

 

porridge: george 

 

porridge: listen carefully 

 

porridge: you need to go down the back stairs and take a right past the catering area, keep going straight and eventually you should encounter a store cupboard. on the bottom shelf behind the cleaning sprays there is a bottle labelled "EYE BLEACH". pour half of the bottle into each eye and do NOT wash it out with water. sit against the wall with your head in your hands and contemplate what you have just saw. it may take a few minutes, but it should start to burn out of your mind. the eye stinging will be painful but worth it if you trust the process. eventually, you will either have forgotten the image of the two of them or you'll be in so much pain you won't care.

 

porridge: ok?

 

porridge: advice given

 

porridge: valtteri out

 

porridge has muted this chat 

 

maximus: GEORGE DID YOU HEAR THAT

 

gr63: DONT WORRY IM ALREADY ON MY WAY DOWN THE STAIRS

 

gr63: I HAVE ACQUIRED THE BLEACH

 

gr63:

 

maximus:

 

sharl:

 

smooth operator:

 

yuki:

 

gr63: AHHHH IT BURNS

 

gr63: IT BURNNNSSSSS

 

smooth operator: IS IT WORKING??

 

gr63: I THINK SO

 

yuki: wait how are you typing if you can't see

 

sharl: YUKI NOW IS NOT THE TIME

 

yuki: NO ONE CARES SHARLS

 

gr63: ITS WORKING

 

gr63: I CAN FEEL THE MEMORY OF IT FADING

 

gr63: WAIT

 

gr63: OH MY GOD

 

gr63: ITS GONE

 

sharl: IT REALLY WORKED

 

smooth operator: VALTTERI IS A LIFESAVER

 

maximus: not for lewis at abu dhabi 

 

maximus: #checo4life

 

yuki: checo is the man

 

britney: hey guys why are we talking about checo

 

sharl: NO REASON

 

britney: ok im gonna leave then because my back is pretty sore

 

maximus: you WHAT

 

britney: ?

 

ham: hey guys

 

ham: what's happening

 

sharl: n-nothing

 

ham: oh great we're stuttering over text again

 

ham: love that 

 

sharl: haha yeah lovely 

 

sharl: i am going to leave

 

sharl: goodbye

 

ham: okay?

 

ham: weird 

 

ham: bye ig

 

maximus: bye

 

gr63: hey lewis you know our driver rooms have locks on the doors 

 

ham: yeah i do but why would i need to

 

ham: wait

 

ham: FUCK

 

gr63: just some friendly advice haha

 

gr63: ok byewe!/!!//

 

ham: george

 

ham: GEORGE

 

ham: IM SORRY

 

britney: no you're not

 

ham: yeah no im not am i

 

britney: nope

Chapter 42: the beach

Notes:

i dont remember writing this chapter i think i wrote it at 4am but yeah why not include it

smooth operator: we should go to the beach

 

dannyric: yes mate good idea

 

dannyric: i'll bring the old surfboard

 

dannyric: pull off some epic moves

 

seb: i once had a surfboard

 

seb: twas a prized position of mine

 

sharl: omo yeah the one you got for 10 dollars that floated away

 

sharl: when you were on your date with lewis

 

seb: IT WASNT A DATE

 

sharl: mmhm yeah 

 

dannyric: just guys being dudes

 

maximus: dudes being guys

 

dannyric: kinda like me and you at red bull

 

maximus: omg yeah

 

smooth operator: anyway beach or no

 

dannyric: shore

 

dannyric: haha get it

 

dannyric: "shore"?

 

maximus: i hate you

 

dannyric: do you really though?

 

maximus: yes.

 

dannyric: oh

 

dannyric: ok no go beach sorry carlos

 

smooth operator: it's fine

 

smooth operator: i'll just go with lando

 

dannyric: yeah mate you do you

Chapter 43: the last photo

yenson: i have a fun game idea

 

yenson: everyone send the last photo in your camera roll

 

britney: i don't think this chat lets you send images

 

smooth operator: yes i have tried you can't

 

yenson: well

 

yenson: ok then

 

yenson: describe the last photo in your camera roll

 

ham: roscoe with nico's sunglasses on

 

britney: roscoe with my sunglasses on

 

sharl: my food from the restaurant me and pierre went to last night

 

nando: yenson

 

dannyric: a shirtless pic of myself

 

maximus: a shirtless pic of daniel

 

yuki: pierre with sharls scribbled out

 

smooth operator: a selfie of me and lando 

 

gr63: a screenshot of data from when i was in the sim yesterday

 

seb: kimi eating ice cream

 

bwoah: seb eating ice cream

 

 

smooth operator: WAIT HOW DID YOU DO THAT

 

bwoah: magic

 

sharl: oH it's just like magic

 

maximus: feeling your touch, oh, it's a rush no one else has it it's just like magic (just like magic) oh, it's just like magic holding me tight, giving me life oh-oh, it's magic (magic) oh-oh, it's magic (oh, it's just like magic)

 

sharl: MAX IS A KPOP STAN TOO?

 

maximus: n-no

 

ham: HOW THE FUCK ARE YOU STUTTERING OVER TEXT

 

seb: *pats lewis's shoulder to calm lewis down*

 

ham: sebastian i swear to god

 

bwoah: WHAT DID I SAY ABOUT SEBASTIANING HIM HAMILTON

 

ham: I AM SORRY KIMI DEAREST APOLOGIES

 

seb: *smiles*

 

ham:

 

ham:

 

ham:

 

ham: i am THIS close to a mental breakdown

 

maximus: then stan twice for free therapy

 

sharl: I THOUGHT YOU WERE A MOA

 

maximus: NO ONCE FOR LIFE

 

sharl: WHOS YOUR BIAS

 

maximus: SANA OBVIOUSLY

 

sharl: MINES TZUYU

 

ham: can i please ask what the fuck is a once

 

nando: isn't that the thing from the movie we saw at the cinema yesterday yenson 

 

yenson: what

 

yenson: OH no nando you're thinking of the onceler from the lorax

 

yuki: fucking creepy old man

 

britney: WHY DO YOU TWO KEEP TAKING YUKI TO SEE KIDS MOVIES THAT CAME OUT 10 YEARS AGO

 

yenson: because nando somehow hasn't seen any of them

 

yuki: fucking uncultured

 

nando: hey watch your language 

 

gr63: haha imagine being told to watch your language 

 

ham: idk man swearing is kinda ew

 

gr63: HAHA i mean swearing?? who does that HAHAHAHAH!!! ive never even said "crap" out loud before hahahahah

 

ham: 

 

maximus: george just say you simp and go

 

gr63: WHAT?2?/?/ HAHAHAHH NO

 

gr63:

 

gr63:

 

gr63:

 

sharl: why has he suddenly gone quiet

 

seb: is he okay?

 

gr63: hello everyone

 

gr63: this is alex here

 

maximus: omg alex!

 

sharl: hi alex!!!!!!!

 

yuki: ALEXXXXX

 

gr63: wow i feel very loved

 

dannyric: i think you're just a loveable dude mate

 

gr63: aw thanks 

 

gr63: speaking of being lovable

 

gr63: last time i checked george was supposed to be actually IN love with me so i took his phone 

 

gr63: he better not be simping for you lewis

 

ham: no i think he's just a fanboy

 

britney: cocky much

 

ham: u lov my cock tho

 

seb: LEWIS 

 

seb: THE KIDS

 

seb: CHARLES?

 

seb: CHARLES?????

 

bwoah: no use he's already traumatised 

 

seb: DO YOU SEE WHAT YOUVE DONE

 

gr63: ok im gonna take this as my cue to leave

 

gr63: nice to know brocedes is real tho

 

yenson: alex why don't you just add yourself to the chat

 

gr63: nah

 

gr63: too many notifications 

 

gr63: it's nice vibing here occasionally tho

 

gr63: but gets concerning pretty quickly 

 

gr63: yall r weird

 

gr63: im gonna give george his phone back now

 

gr63: byeeee

 

maximus: byeeeeeee

 

yuki: BYEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

 

gr63: alright sorry about that

 

gr63: i really need to get better at protecting my phone

 

maximus: don't worry about it mate we all prefer alex to you anyway

 

gr63:

 

dannyric: MAXIE

 

dannyric: that's mean 

 

dannyric: say sorry

 

maximus: no <3

 

dannyric: ok <3

 

gr63: im feeling attacked

 

ham: welcome to my world

 

gr63: wait

 

gr63: IVE INADVERTENTLY BECOME LIKE LEWIS

 

gr63: YES

 

gr63: MISSION SUCCESS

 

yenson: how did we get to this from me asking about the last photo in everyone's camera roll

 

ham: idk just happened

 

bwoah: 

 

 

yenson: fair enough

Notes:

it took me so long to figure out how to add images u don't understan

ig that's just dedication amiright *awkward finger guns*

Chapter 44: the probably high dannyric

dannyric: u ass or boobs man

 

britney: what

 

dannyric: nah personality bro

 

ham: are you high?

 

dannyric: nah not really im only 5'10

 

dannyric: george is pretty high tho

 

gr63: sorry what

 

gr63: yeah i'm tall i guess

 

dannyric: haha u have lank

 

gr63: take my height if you want it so bad

 

dannyric: u wot

 

dannyric: CHARLES

 

dannyric: CHARLES

 

dannyric: CHARLES

 

sharl: WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU WANT

 

dannyric: member how u hav telepatheticesosis powers

 

sharl: is that a word or am i just shit at english

 

dannyric: hahahahahaha u silly little man

 

sharl: IM THE SAME HEIGHT AS YOU

 

dannyric: nooooooo charles

 

dannyric: george has superpowers tooooo

 

sharl: wait really

 

sharl: george is this true?

 

gr63: im really fucking confused mate i cant lie

 

ham: i never thought i'd say this but we really need to get max here rn

 

yuki: i will find him 

 

nando: u do that yuki i believe in u

 

ham: ok when did we all start saying u instead of you

 

dannyric: hahahaha u u u u u u u u u u u

 

dannyric: funny letter 

 

dannyric: U

 

dannyric: ü

 

seb: i have been summoned by the umlaut

 

dannyric: ä ë ï ö ü

 

dannyric: hey the i kinda looks like a dick

 

sharl: seriously what are george's superpowers

 

dannyric: he can transpirtation his height to me

 

britney: isn't that what plants do

 

seb: transpiration?

 

britney: yes

 

britney: high school biology is coming back to haunt me

 

dannyric: omggggggggghghggg is that the xuelm

 

seb: xylem?

 

dannyric: YEAAAAAAAAA

 

seb: kind of? 

 

gr63: woahhh mate i actually remember learning about that

 

gr63: there's like rings of lignin?

 

maximus: the fuck is a lignin 

 

dannyric: ligma balls

 

ham: ok i take back saying we needed max

 

maximus: shut up lewis

 

ham: fuck you max

 

dannyric: im going to sleep

 

dannyric: good night to everyone 

 

dannyric: except charles

 

sharl: what did i do

 

dannyric: exist

 

sharl:

 

sharl: im not even going to argue

Chapter 45: the elevator

sharl: help

 

seb: what's happened now?

 

sharl: i might be stuck in an elevator

 

seb: you MIGHT be stuck in an elevator?

 

sharl: sorry

 

sharl; i am definitely stuck in elevator

 

seb: how on earth have you gotten yourself into this situation 

 

sharl: i'm me

 

seb:

 

seb: yeah that checks out actually 

 

sharl: that's not the worst part though

 

seb: for gods sake

 

seb: what is the worst part then

 

sharl:

 

sharl: yuki's stuck here with me

 

yuki: i want to kill charles

 

yenson: YUKI

 

yenson: you cant just say that

 

nando: yes yuki come on

 

nando: if you are going to murder you at least need to justify it

 

yenson: nando no-

 

ham: i could definitely justify max's murder

 

maximus: oh what because masi fucked up in abu dhabi? yes because that's 100% my fault mate sorry about that go ahead and stab me

 

ham: what 

 

ham: no

 

ham: i was gonna say it's because you wear socks with sandals

 

maximus: oh

 

dannyric: yeah that is pretty heinous maxie

 

maximus: WHOS SIDE ARE YOU ON HERE

 

seb: GUYS CAN WE PLEASE JUST SORT OUT THE ELEVATOR SITUATION

 

sharl: PLEASE

 

seb: what is so bad about being stuck in an elevator with yuki charles.

 

sharl: HE KEEPS SIDE EYEING ME

 

sharl: AND I DONT KNOW WHAT IVE DONE WRONG

 

yuki: HE'S MOVING IN WITH PIERRE

 

yuki: FUCKING DICKHEAD

 

sharl: YUKI HES MY BOYFRIEND I AM ALLOWED TO MOVE IN WITH HIM

 

yuki: WHERE WILL I GO THOUGH

 

sharl: TO YOUR OWN HOUSE????

 

yuki: BUT JENSON AND FERNANDO SAID IM TOO OLD TO LIVE WITH THEM ANYMORE

 

sharl: YOUVE BEEN LIVING WITH JENSON AND FERNANDO?

 

yuki: NO!!! I WAS LIVING WITH PIERRE!!!! UNTIL YOU FUCKING RUINED IT!!!!

 

sharl: I HAVENT RUINED ANYTHING!/!:!;!;!

 

yuki: AAAAAAAABDBIAJEJENVNKSJFJEJFJEIWI

 

sharl: AAAAAACBAAB6IXOAJFBJLSKSMHFKSN

 

seb: KIDS.

 

bwoah: calm yourselves

 

sharl: woah kimi

 

sharl: sorry i didn't mean to get so aggressive

 

yuki: im not sorry

 

yenson: yuki i will take your instagram away for TWO MONTHS

 

yuki: BUT THEN HOW WILL I GET LIKED BY PIERREGASLY

 

yenson: you won't that's THE POINT

 

yuki: OK IM SORRY

 

yuki: i am very sorry.

 

nando: i don't believe you 

 

yuki: UH?

 

smooth operator: i believe you yuki

 

yuki: thank you carlos

 

yuki: at least someone understands

 

yuki: this is why i always say you are my favourite ferrari driver

 

sharl: you

 

sharl: BITCH

 

seb: oh god

 

seb: take cover

 

yuki: RAAAAAAAAHHHHHWHDJWKKSKCJQKKSKDLRKKEKCJKWJDJVJEOPWJRKE

 

sharl: AAAAICBAKZNJSKFODNVKEJTKGOJRJWKXJWODJEPEJHUFBCKCJWJQOSOCJIWKAOXJEIQJQ

Chapter 46: the pecans

seb: i really need a mimosa

 

ham: why

 

seb: just do

 

ham: ok?

 

seb: you'll never believe what happened to me today

 

ham: on this chat

 

ham: i'm pretty sure i will

 

seb: well

 

seb: basically 

 

seb: i was at lidl

 

ham: oh god not again

 

bwoah: it's fine i had ice cream already this time

 

ham: thank god

 

seb: anyway back to my story

 

seb: i was at lidl

 

seb: and i wanted to buy some pecans

 

ham: reasonable 

 

yuki: pecans are the fucking best

 

yenson:

 

yenson: i'll excuse the swearing because of how correct you are

 

yuki:

 

seb: yeah so i was buying pecans because they are impeccable 

 

sharl: tf does "impeccable" mean

 

gr63: it sorta means like dickhead

 

sharl: ah

 

sharl: ok

 

sharl: george you are impeccable :)

 

gr63: all in a days work lads

 

sharl: what

 

gr63: all in a days work

 

seb: BACK TO MY STORY

 

seb: guess what happened with the pecans

 

ham: what

 

seb: THEY WERE £2.79!!

 

ham: ... okay and?

 

seb: THATS EXTORTIONATE!

 

sharl: STOP USING SCARY WORDS

 

gr63: it's okay charles that one means i love yuki tsunoda

 

sharl:

 

sharl: i get the feeling you're lying to me

 

gr63: a dinnae ken wit your oan aboot mate

 

ham: for FUCKS SAKE

 

britney: Lassen Sie uns alle wieder verschiedene Sprachen sprechen, um Lewis zu ärgern

 

nando: sí nostalgia de cuando no podía admitir mis sentimientos por 

 

nando: saben que literalmente dije "estoy enamorada de yenson" en el capítulo 5 y ninguno de ustedes se dio cuenta

 

smooth operator: QUE?

 

yenson: i saw yenson in that message

 

yenson: are you talking about me

 

nando: just saying i love you 

 

yenson: awhh love you too

 

maximus: for fucks sake just get married already

 

dannyric: awh maxie shipping yensonando 

 

yenson: actually nevermind #maxiel4life

 

maximus: NO

 

dannyric: we're just friends

 

sharl: so don't go look at me with that look in your eyeeeeeee you really ain't going away without a fiighhhttt you can't be reasoned with im done being poliiitteeee i told you one two three four five six thousand tiiimeees

 

gr63: i think charles is having a stroke 

 

sharl: it's anne marie you uncultured impeccable 

 

maximus: YEAH GEORGE GET A LIFE YOU IMPECCABLE

 

gr63:

 

gr63: i regret my life choices

 

seb: i can offer you a pecan to cheer you up?

 

gr63:

 

gr63: i'd like that

 

seb: *thumbs up*

 

ham: AAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRGGGGGWHHDHDGFHD

Notes:

this chapter was posted 17th june 2022... as of 29th july 2023 the pecans at lidl are now £3.19 last time i checked. inflation is real folks stay safe out there

Chapter 47: the imola cat

sharl: seb

 

seb: yes charles?

 

sharl: did you

 

sharl: did you ever

 

seb: ?

 

sharl: did you ever apologise to the imola cat?

 

seb: what?

 

sharl: THE IMOLA CAT.

 

sharl: DID YOU SAY SORRY FOR INSULTING HIM?

 

seb: i don't know what you're talking about

 

yuki: FORMULINO

 

yuki: THE CAT

 

sharl: see

 

sharl: yuki wasn't even in f1 when the incident happened and he knows about it too

 

seb: wait

 

seb: ooohhhhhh

 

seb: is this about the cat i called overweight?

 

sharl: YES

 

seb: ah well then i'm very sorry mr. imola cat

 

yuki:

 

sharl:

 

yuki: not good enough

 

sharl: yeah you need to say it to his face

 

seb: he's in italy and we're all in canada

 

seb: how on earth am i supposed to do that

 

sharl: impromptu road trip?

 

yuki: i like this idea

 

sharl: ROAD TRIP IT IS

 

sharl: WHOS COMING

 

smooth operator: i'd like to join 

 

maximus: i'll tag along why not

 

dannyric: and leave me?

 

maximus: you could come too?

 

dannyric: can't

 

dannyric: too many team meetings

 

gr63: same here

 

nando: i would like to go

 

nando: and make sure yuki is safe

 

yenson: good idea nando

 

ham: i'm gonna hang back on this one

 

britney: same

 

porridge: an i don't think me or kimi really need to give an answer here

 

sharl: alright!

 

sharl: we are set for a road trip!

 

seb:

 

seb: you do realise there's an OCEAN in between canada and italy?

 

sharl: LA LA LA I CANT HEAR YOU

 

seb: this how i'm going to die.

Chapter 48: the airplane

sharl: alright so turns out you do actually have to fly from canada to italy

 

sharl: who could've known?

 

seb: i knew

 

sharl: shut up you fat shamed a cat

 

seb: I DIDN'T EVEN MEAN IT IN A BAD WAY

 

seb: THERES NOTHING WRONG WITH BEING OVERWEIGHT I JUST STATED THAT SHE WAS

 

sharl: sorry who are you? 

 

sharl: guys there's this weird old german man sitting next to me on the plane

 

maximus: can i ask how i ended up sitting next to fernando

 

nando: yes this is not fun

 

yuki: CARLOS IS MINE

 

maximus: i thought p-

 

sharl: SHHHHH

 

sharl: we are not going to mention p*erre on this trip

 

sharl: so that me and yuki can come out of it alive

 

maximus: fucks sake

 

maximus: ok then

 

smooth operator: me and yuki are playing mario kart together

 

yuki: and i am destroying him

 

smooth operator: ay don't embarrass me

 

smooth operator: i won one race 

 

maximus: haha i never thought i'd get to hear you say that

 

smooth operator: not funny

 

yuki: sorry carlos 

 

yuki: you're still my favourite ferrari driver (✿◠‿◠)

 

sharl:

 

seb:

 

nando:

 

maximus: yuki i'd like to warn you that everyone on this trip has driven for ferrari except us

 

yuki: oh yeah

 

yuki: I DONT CARE

 

yuki: MWAHAHAHHAHAHAYAH

 

nando: YUKI

 

nando: be nice or i'll take away your nintendo switch

 

yuki: you

 

yuki: you what

 

yuki: no

 

yuki: nando you're my favourite parent

 

yuki: seb you are such a kind person

 

yuki: sharls

 

yuki: you

 

yuki: you m

 

yuki: you m

 

maximus: carlos is he okay

 

smooth operator: give him a minute

 

yuki: you m

 

yuki: you m

 

yuki: you male pierre happy and i appreciate that

 

sharl: yuki

 

sharl: you

 

sharl: you really mean it?

 

yuki: of course

 

nando: okay yuki you've been nice now so you can keep your switch

 

yuki: thank fucking god

 

sharl: wait but yuki you really really mean it?

 

yuki: like i said

 

yuki: of course

 

yuki: NOT 

 

yuki: PIERRE IS MINE

 

sharl: FUCK YOU

 

seb: CHARLES! LANGUAGE.

 

sharl: SHUT UP CAT INSULTER

 

seb: IM GOING TO SAY SORRY

 

sharl: NO ONE ASKED

 

seb: YOU DRAGGED ME ONTO A PLANE FOR THIS

 

yuki: PIERRE IS MINEEEEE

 

sharl: NO HES MINE

 

yuki:

 

smooth operator: wait yuki what are you doing 

 

sharl: OH MY GOD

 

nando: YUKI GET BACK IN YOUR SEAT THE PLANE IS TAKING OFF

 

yuki: NO

 

yuki: wait

 

yuki: FUCK

 

nando: YUKIIIIIII

 

maximus: WHAT THE FUCK IS HAPPENING

 

seb:

 

nando

 

sharl:

 

maximus:

 

smooth operator:

 

yuki: i fell

 

yuki: but it's okay

 

yuki: i just bonked my head

 

maximus: you 'bonked' your head?

 

yuki: yep

 

yuki: hahahahahhaahhahahahahahhaha

 

smooth operator: what is funny

 

yuki: hahahahahhaahhahahahaha

 

seb: you don't think he's hurt his head?

 

nando: oh no

 

nando: oh no oh no oh no

 

seb: nando don't worry i'm sure yuki will be okay 

 

nando: no it's not that 

 

seb: ?

 

nando: yenson is going to kill me

 

sharl: oh FUCK

 

seb: this isn't good

 

yuki: hahahahahhahahahahahhahahahahahhahaha

 

smooth operator: he will be fine by the time we get back

 

smooth operator: i am sure

 

seb: yeah he's young i'm sure it can't have done that much damage

 

yuki: hahahhahahahahhaha old man thinks 22 is young

 

seb: yeah i think this is bad

 

nando: we are 

 

nando: how do you say it?

 

nando: ah yes

 

nando: we are screwed.

Chapter 49: the totally unnecessary worrying

yenson: do you think everything is going alright in italy?

 

ham: yeah i'm sure they're having fun

 

yenson: you think yuki's okay?

 

yenson: i know nando's there but i still worry about him

 

yenson: what if he gets hurt you know?

 

britney: jenson everything is fine

 

ham: yeah the chances of him getting hurt are crazy low

 

gr63: even lower than the chances of carlos beating him at mario kart

 

dannyric: yeah that would never happen lmao

 

yenson: you're right

 

yenson: what am i even worrying about?

 

yenson: everything's fine

 

yenson: everything is totally totally fine

 

ham: 👍 

 

britney: 👍 

 

gr63: 👍

Chapter 50: the missing cat

sharl: um

 

maximus: where the fuck is the cat

 

smooth operator: meow

 

smooth operator: meow meow

 

maximus: carlos what the fuck are you doing

 

smooth operator: speaking cat language

 

smooth operator: meow meow meow

 

maximus: are we sure that carlos isn't the one who hit his head

 

yuki: woof woof woof

 

sharl: no it's definitely yuki

 

seb: maybe we should have just waited until next year

 

seb: there's no one at the track how are we supposed to get in

 

maximus: jump the fence? 

 

nando: no.

 

yuki: yeah max think about the vertically challenged

 

nando: that wasn't what i meant yuki

 

yuki: hahahahhahahahahhahahahahhahahaha

 

sharl: i think the cat lives in a nearby house

 

sharl: we could go and knock on their door

 

seb: good idea

 

sharl:

 

nando:

 

smooth operator:

 

yuki:

 

nando:

 

smooth operator: i don't think anyones home

 

maximus: we could break in?

 

seb: NO

 

sharl: hold on

 

sharl: I SEE THE CAT

 

sharl: HES SITTING ON THE FENCE

 

yuki: FORMULINOOOOOOOO

 

seb: alright let's just get this over with

 

nando: yuki bring the cat over

 

yuki: I AM THE CAT WHISPERER

 

sharl: i thought you woofed

 

yuki:

 

yuki: do cats not woof?

 

maximus: let's just move on

 

nando: sebastian just apologise so we can go home

 

seb: if kimi was here you'd be dead right now you know that right

 

nando: that's why i said it

 

nando: sebastian :)

 

seb: *deep breath*

 

nando: if lewis was here you'd be dead too

 

seb: shut it

 

seb: formulino

 

seb: let me just apologise quickly 

 

yuki: WAIT

 

yuki added formulino to the chat

 

sharl: how did you

 

sharl: im not even going to question it

 

seb: let's just do this

 

seb: formulino

 

seb: i am very sorry for saying i don't like cats much, calling you overweight and then ignoring you in 2020

 

seb: it was wrong and i shouldn't have said it but it would mean a lot if you could find it in your cat heart to forgive me

 

seb: i would like to be friends from now on

 

sharl:

 

nando:

 

smooth operator:

 

yuki:

 

maximus:

 

formulino: woof

 

yuki: I FUCKING TOLD YOU SO

 

seb: IM JUST GOING TO TAKE THAT AS HIM ACCEPTING MY APOLOGY NOW LETS GO

 

sharl: WE'RE GOING TO MISS FP1

 

yuki: can i keep the cat

 

nando: NO YUKI

 

yuki: FINE.

 

seb: WE ARE LEAVING

Chapter 51: the race directors

ham added eduardo and niels to the chat

 

ham: ok so we know how it looks

 

eduardo: where on earth are they?

 

eduardo: how do six drivers go missing?

 

niels: we can delay fp1 for an hour but at least an explanation would be nice

 

yenson:

 

yenson: they might be in italy

 

eduardo: WHAT

 

niels: you've got to be kidding me

 

ham: ITS NOT AS BAD AS IT SEEMS

 

eduardo: we can give serious fines to their teams for this

 

niels: or maybe even a race ban

 

ham:

 

ham: a race what now

 

gr63: huh

 

ham: you know what on second thoughts yes they should not be in italy right now how could they that is so irresponsible you should ban them all from this race or even the whole season for that matter

 

gr63: but then there'd be no ferraris or max-

 

ham: GEORGE

 

gr63: OH

 

gr63: yeah ban them

 

gr63: and you know what

 

gr63: i saw checo wearing socks with sandals the other day

 

gr63: ban him too

 

sharl: WAIT

 

smooth operator: WE'RE HERE

 

maximus: WE'RE BACK

 

eduardo: FINALLY

 

niels: why the hell where you all in italy?

 

sharl: we 

 

nando: um

 

nando: sebastian?

 

bwoah: FERNANDO ALONSO.

 

nando: sorry kimi

 

eduardo: charles, was this your idea?

 

sharl: what NO!

 

sharl: WHY ARE YOU BLAMING ME ALONE?

 

niels: charles this isn't good.

 

niels: i think we're going to have to give you a race ban.

 

sharl: BUT

 

sharl: WHAT?

 

sharl: THIS IS NOT FAIR

 

eduardo: we're sorry.

 

sharl: NO YOU'RE NOT

 

sharl: THIS

 

sharl: THIS CANT BE HAPPENING

 

sharl: WHY ARE YOU SINGLING ME OUT?

 

niels: no arguments charles. you just have to deal with it.

 

seb: NO.

 

seb: i have to confess.

 

seb: this was all my idea. 

 

seb: i dragged everyone else into it.

 

sharl: wait seb what

 

seb: charles, let me speak.

 

seb: i take all the blame.

 

sharl: but you can't do that

 

sharl: they'll ban you and it wasn't even your fault!

 

seb: CHARLES.

 

seb: it was my fault. don't listen to him.

 

eduardo: well

 

eduardo: looks like we're going to have to ban sebastian instead 

 

seb: that is okay.

 

seb: just don't punish any of the others

 

niels: we won't

 

seb: thank you

 

eduardo: okay so our work here is done

 

eduardo: let's go

 

eduardo left the chat

 

niels left the chat 

 

sharl: seb why did you do that?

 

seb: because you have a championship to fight for

 

seb: and besides

 

seb: technically i was the reason we were there in the first place

 

sharl: but you didn't have to

 

seb: i did.

 

sharl: i

 

sharl: thank you

 

seb: dont thank me

 

seb: just don't make me fly to italy to apologise to a cat ever again

 

sharl: i promise i won't

 

seb: good

 

seb: now

 

seb: who knows of fun activities to do while watching formula 1?

 

bwoah: eat ice cream with me

 

seb: that sounds perfect

 

bwoah: :)

 

seb: :)

 

sharl: :)

 

formulino: woof

 

yuki: FORMULINO

 

ham: HOW IS THERE A CAT IN THE GROUP CHAT

 

sharl: i- i- i- i- i- d-don't know

 

seb: *shrugs*

 

ham: i hate life

Chapter 52: the disco

sharl: that's all they really waaaaaaaaaaant

 

sharl: some fuuuuuuuuuuuun

 

sharl: whEn the working dAy is dOne

 

sharl: oH gIrLs jUst wAnna hAve fU Un

 

maximus: what the fuck

 

sharl: seb dragged me to an 80s disco

 

sharl: and i thought it would be shit but it is actually very fun 

 

seb: THIS IS MY JAM

 

bwoah: cherry bakewell?

 

seb: NO THIS

 

seb: tAlking aWay i dOnt knOw whAt

 

seb: whAt to sAy

 

britney: take on meeeeeeee

 

britney: take me oonnnnnnnn

 

ham: nico you're there too?

 

britney: why not

 

ham: 

 

ham: i'm on my way

 

seb: valtteri what's your jam

 

porridge: i usually go with strawberry but i'm open to apricot

 

seb: no your song!

 

seb: you're an 80s kid by 4 months you need a favourite

 

porridge: i don't really have one 

 

ham: I'M HERE 

 

ham: where's nico

 

sharl: ON THE DANCE FLOOR

 

britney: TAKE ON MEEEEEEEE

 

britney: TAKE ME ONNNNNNNNNN

 

maximus: is he drunk?

 

sharl: yeah pretty much

 

britney: ILL BE GOOONNNNEEEEE

 

smooth operator: so far i've got twoOooo

 

britney: two what?

 

smooth operator: it is the lyrics 

 

britney: what

 

maximus: oh no that's the stupid minecraft parody lando listens to

 

gr63: mine diamonds?

 

maximus: yeah that one

 

yuki: MINE DIAMONDDDSSSS

 

yuki: ILL MINE THEMMMMM

 

sharl: WHO LET YUKI ON THE DANCE FLOOR

 

maximus: HE WAS MINUS 10 IN THE 80s

 

yenson: might've been me

 

yenson: WAIT THIS IS MY JAM

 

nando: raspberry?

 

yenson: NO JOURNEY

 

nando: carlos is that a fruit

 

smooth operator: are you drunk too?

 

nando: who's to say i am

 

bwoah: me

 

nando: be quiet kimi 

 

yenson: FERNANDO LETS GO

 

nando: fine

 

nando: DOOONT STOP BELIEVIN

 

seb: i have to film this

 

sharl: why?

 

seb: are you dumb? 

 

seb: blackmail

 

maximus: if you want that just follow wherever lewis and nico are going 

 

sharl: since when did you get here

 

dannyric: i dragged him along

 

dannyric: i'm an 80s child in spirit

 

maximus: you ARE an 80s child

 

dannyric: yeah

 

dannyric: in spirit 

 

maximus: THE FUCK DOES THAT MEAN

 

dannyric: alright well it's clear in spirit you're nothing maxie why so angry 

 

dannyric: WAIT WE SHOULD ORDER SPIRITS

 

maximus: not a good idea

 

maximus: but yeah why not

 

porridge: wait wait this is my jam

 

seb: THEN SING

 

porridge: it's gonna take a lot to drag me away from youuuu

 

seb: LOUDER

 

porridge: tHERES NOTHING A HUNDRED MEN OR MORE COULD EVER DOOO

 

seb: THATS THE SPIRIT

 

dannyric: I HAVE THE SPIRITS

 

maximus: thank fuck

 

sharl: has anybody seen george? i haven't seen him in a while

 

yenson: actually yeah i haven't seen him or valtteri either actually since he stopped singing 

 

sharl: wait

 

sharl: you don't think

 

seb:

 

yenson:

 

nando:

 

sharl:

 

dannyric:

 

maximus:

 

smooth operator:

 

yuki:

 

bwoah:

 

formulino:

 

seb: SHIT

 

gr63: MY EYES

 

porridge: WE NEED BLEACH GET THE BLEACH

 

ham: hey guys what're we talking about

 

britney: valtteri why do you need bleach? 

 

ham:

 

britney:

 

ham: i guess we'll never know

 

britney: aight

 

britney: tAKE ON MEEEEEEEEE

Chapter 53: the red bull addiction

seb: coffee or tea?

 

ham: what?

 

seb: it's a simple question lewis answer it

 

ham: i guess coffee because it has more caffeine?

 

maximus: haha imagine getting your caffeine from coffee

 

dannyric: maxie be considerate here not everyone has a crippling red bull addiction like you do

 

gr63: i do

 

dannyric: huh?

 

gr63: sorry that was alex

 

gr63: he wants me to tell you that it's impossible to be involved with red bull in anyway without the addiction 

 

nando: yuki?

 

yuki: yes

 

yuki: it's bad

 

nando: carlos?

 

smooth operator: it's been 5 years and i still need the caffeine to cope

 

nando: seb?

 

seb: i'm afraid so

 

ham: even you??

 

seb: i'm sorry

 

seb: it happens to the best of us

 

webman: i don't have a red bull addiction

 

ham: oh

 

ham: well that's

 

ham: not bad?

 

seb: how did you even get here anyway-

 

webman: not bad for a number two driver 

 

seb: you FUCKING-

 

ham: LEAVE MARK

 

ham: RUN WHILE YOU STILL CAN

Chapter 54: the lightbulb question

yenson: how many nandos does it take to change a light bulb?

 

ham: 46

 

sharl: 3.5

 

seb: one plus a hell of a lot of will power

 

george: my left pinky finger

 

maximus: three.

 

dannyric: 69 ;)

 

porridge: i don't care 

 

britney: me neither

 

smooth operator: 2?

 

yuki: twelve

 

bwoah: none 

 

yenson: well i'm here to announce to you that the correct answer is one plus three chairs stacked on top of each other!

 

nando: I TOLD YOU GETTING HIGH CEILINGS IN THE APARTMENT WOULD BE A BAD IDEA

 

yenson: AND I TOLD YOU WE COULD CALL AN ELECTRICIAN

 

nando: WE ARE TWO WORLD CHAMPIONS WE DONT NEED AN ELECTRICIAN

 

dannyric: wait holy shit

 

yenson: what?

 

dannyric: i just realise you two are like a power couple world champion duo

 

smooth operator: don't forget brocedes and sewis

 

porridge: i wisb i could forget brocedes

 

bwoah: and don't forget simi

 

dannyric: WAIT HOLY SHIT

 

dannyric: YOU FOUR ARE IN LIKE A WORLD CHAMPION LOVE TRIANGLE SQUARE THING

 

dannyric: YOU COULD WRITE LIKE WATTPAD FANFICTIONS ABOUT THIS

 

ham: believe me people have 

 

britney: and on ao3 too

 

ham: ikr like i found this one ao3 fic where we all have like this group chat and we have the dumbest conversations all the time it's so stupid

 

britney: omg that does sound stupid yeah

 

ham:

 

britney:

 

seb:

 

nando: 

 

yenson: 

 

sharl: 

 

gr63:

 

porridge:

 

smooth operator: 

 

yuki:

 

dannyric:

 

maximus:

 

bwoah:

 

formulino:

 

ham: so dumb

 

britney: yeah anyway im going to sleep bye

Chapter 55: the huh

yenson: i wanna buy a mouse

 

ham: huh?

 

ham: like micky mouse?

 

seb: MICK?

 

seb added mick to the chat

 

seb: MICK

 

mick: hello?

 

mick: is this the backrooms?

 

seb: the what?

 

seb: no this our group chat

 

ham: i'm still so confused why jenson wants to buy a mouse

 

nando: a mouse?

 

nando: oh no

 

nando: yenson quiere adoptar una mascota juntos?

 

nando: eso es tan... como una pareja

 

britney: oh come on lewis look what you've done

 

ham: how the FUCK was that my fault

 

britney: everything's your fault 

 

ham: HOW

 

maximus: don't get hung up on it lewis 

 

maximus: the fia doesn't think like that

 

ham: THEY RUINED AN ENTIRE CHAMPIONSHIP FOR ME

 

maximus: AND THEY LET YOU SEND ME INTO A WALL AT 51G OF FORCE

 

ham: I GOT A 10 SECOND PENALTY FOR THAT!

 

maximus: AND I GOT 10 HOURS IN HOSPITAL!

 

britney: oh my god shut the fuck up

 

britney: no one cares about your stupid rivalry

 

ham:

 

maximus

 

ham: 108.7 million people watched abu dhabi last year.

 

maximus: that sounds like caring to me

 

britney: ok all right then just because people thought 2021 was more interesting than 2016

 

ham: who said anything about 2016

 

britney: I DID

 

ham: OK GOOD FOR YOU

 

sharl: good 4 u you look happy and healthy

 

yuki: NOT ME

 

sharl: IF YOU EVER CARED TO ASK

 

seb: aw i love that you too have bonded over music

 

seb: what with pierre and everything

 

yuki: WHAT NO

 

yuki: I HATE CHARLES

 

sharl: YEAH I CANT STAND YUKI

 

nando: TODOS

 

nando: POR FAVOR, DÉJAME CONCENTRARME EN YENSON QUERER COMPRAR UN RATÓN

 

ham: are we just gonna go back to speaking different languages 

 

seb: ja, warum nicht

 

mick: Ich will nicht unhöflich sein

 

mick: aber dieser Chat ist wirklich beängstigend

 

seb: WAIT I HAVE SOMEONE TO TALK TO IN GERMAN NOW

 

seb: DAS IST SO AUFREGEND

 

britney: ICH BIN DIE GANZE ZEIT HIER SEB

 

seb: oh

 

seb: du bist aber in monaco aufgewachsen und auch finnisch, also zählt das nicht

 

britney: did you just ungerman me

 

bwoah: älä kerro hänelle, että hän on suomalainen sebastian, haluan pitää ennätykseni menestyneimpänä suomalaisena kuljettajana

 

britney: eikö se ole kuitenkin mika hakkinen

 

bwoah: tarkoitan kilpailuvoittoja

 

britney: ok YHDELLÄ voitolla

 

bwoah: yeah what about it

 

mick: Sprecht ihr hier nur regelmäßig eure Muttersprachen?

 

seb: nein, normalerweise immer dann, wenn Fernando eine Art Panik wegen Jenson hat

 

yuki: ええ、フェルナンドはまだ私がスペイン語を話せることに気づいていません

 

dannyric: e nessun altro è abbastanza intelligente da scaricare Google Translate

 

sharl: l'hai appena tradotto su google

 

dannyric: nah mate that's pure italian skill

 

sharl: tu es un idiot

 

maximus: HÉ NOEM HEM NIET ZO

 

sharl: ai-je demandé?

 

nando: CHICOS EN SERIO QUE HAGO CON EL RATÓN

 

smooth operator: AY DIOS MÍO FERNANDO CÁLMATE

 

nando: NO

 

nando: ALGUIEN POR FAVOR ENCUENTRE A YENSON

 

yenson: hey guys what's going on here

 

ham: oh thank god someone speaking english

 

sharl: je pensais que tu apprenais le français

 

ham: oui un peu

 

sharl: cool bien fait

 

yenson: why are you guys speaking french

 

nando: WHY DO YOU WANT TO BUY A MOUSE?

 

yenson: what? when did i say that?

 

nando: WHAT

 

nando: EARLIER

 

yenson: huh?

 

yenson: ohhh must've been autocorrect or something

 

nando: oh

 

nando: bueno eso no es tan malo

 

nando: i was panicking 

 

yenson: awh sorry about that nando

 

yenson: you should've just said something

 

nando: ay don't apologise <3

 

nando: what were you trying to say anyway

 

yenson: oh that i wanted to buy a house

 

nando: you

 

nando: a WHAT NOW

 

nando: AS IN TOGETHER?

 

yenson: well

 

yenson: yeah

 

yenson: i mean we practically live together anyway

 

nando: thats 

 

nando: necesito algo de tiempo para pensar en esto

 

nando: en español

 

smooth operator: ¿Por qué diablos necesitas español para pensar?

 

nando: POR QUÉ NECESITASTE ESPAÑA PARA NACER

 

smooth operator: Y ESO QUE SIGNIFICA

 

yuki: あなたたちはばかです

 

yuki: 私は今私が望むことは何でも言うことができました

 

yuki: 陰茎

 

dannyric: I GOOGLE TRANSLATED THAT YUKI

 

dannyric: BAD YUKI

 

yuki: くそ

 

dannyric: BAD BAD YUKI!!

Chapter 56: the bees

seb: i love bees

 

ham: we know this seb

 

sharl: yeah why don't you just go marry a bee

 

maximus: what?

 

maximus: like the bee movie?

 

sharl: omg yes

 

sharl: seb is vanessa

 

ham: who the fuck is vanessa

 

sharl: FROM THE BEE MOVIE

 

sharl: HOW HAVE YOU NOT SEEN THE BEE MOVIE

 

smooth operator: i have never seen the bee movie

 

yuki: CARLOS

 

yuki: YOU ARE NO LONGER MY FAVOURITE FERRARI DRIVER

 

sharl: YAY

 

yuki: NO THAT DOESNT MEAN ITS YOU

 

sharl: WHO IS IT THEN

 

yuki: umm

 

yuki: MICK

 

mick: yeah?

 

yuki: YOU ARE NOW MY FAVOURITE FERRARI DRIVER

 

mick: but i don't drive for ferrari

 

yuki: 

 

yuki: you're in the academy it counts

 

mick: what about seb

 

mick: he drove for ferrari make him your favourite ferrari driver

 

yenson: oh my god mick just accept his love and move on 

 

mick: ok ok sorry

 

sharl: ANYWAY

 

sharl: WE ARE MAKING LEWIS AND CARLOS WATCH THE BEE MOVIE

 

yenson: nando hasn't seen it either 

 

sharl: OK THEN ADD FERNANDO TO THAT LIST

 

seb: actually

 

seb: i haven't seen it either 

 

sharl: BUT YOU LOVE BEES

 

sharl: THATS YOUR WHOLE THING

 

sharl: YOU ARE VANESSA

 

seb: WHO IS VANESSA

 

sharl: YOU

 

maximus: wait

 

sharl: what

 

sharl: WAIT

 

maximus: what?

 

sharl: if seb is vanessa...

 

sharl: then that means....

 

sharl: KIMI IS BARRY

 

ham: WHO THE FUCK IS BARRY

 

dannyric: ur mom

 

yuki: deeznuts

 

sharl: BARRY B. BENSON

 

sharl: THE ICON

 

sharl: THE LEGEND

 

sharl: IS KIMI

 

sharl changed bwoah's display name to barry the bee

 

barry the bee: why am i a bee

 

sharl: because seb loves bees

 

barry the bee: what does that have to do with me

 

sharl: seb loves you?

 

barry the bee: i thought he was in love with hamilton

 

ham: WHAT

 

seb: WHAT

 

britney: WHAT THE FUCK

 

seb: kimi i'm not in love with lewis

 

barry the bee: then why do you keep ditching our ice cream hangouts to see him

 

sharl: YOUVE BEEN DITCHING THE ICE CREAM HANGOUTS?

 

seb: because there's never any ice cream!

 

seb: you always eat it all and there's none left for me!

 

barry the bee: and hamilton DOES have ice cream?

 

seb: well...

 

ham: DONT TELL HIM SEB

 

britney: don't tell him WHAT.

 

ham: SHUT UP NICO THIS ISNT ABOUT YOU

 

britney: OH I THINK IT IS

 

seb: ...lewis knows the secret way to get into the alpine freezer

 

barry the bee:

 

barry the bee:

 

barry the bee:

 

barry the bee:

 

seb: kimi i

 

barry the bee: WHAT.

 

barry the bee: AND YOU NEVER THOUGHT TO TELL ME

 

ham: KIMI I SWEAR IT WAS ONLY BECAUSE ESTEBAN USED TO HANG AROUND THE MERCEDES GARAGE AND HE TOLD ME

 

barry the bee: that was in 2019.

 

barry the bee: you have known for THREE YEARS

 

sharl: no one gonna mention how this is the most kimi's ever said in this chat at once like ever

 

maximus: charles shut the fuck up there's an argument here

 

yuki: yeah charles read the room idiot

 

mick: why are we all so mean to charles 

 

yuki: SHUT IT MICK

 

mick: oh ok i'm sorry :(

 

yuki: YES GOOD YOU SHOULD BE SORRY

 

britney: OH MY GOD ALL OF YOU SHUT UP

 

ham: nico?

 

britney: listen.

 

britney: are you and seb a thing or not.

 

ham:

 

seb:

 

britney: SPIT IT OUT

 

ham: kind of??

 

ham: i don't know 

 

barry the bee: sebastian is this true

 

seb: kimi i

 

seb: kimi no

 

barry the bee:

 

barry the bee: 

 

barry the bee:

 

barry the bee: goodbye sebastian 

 

barry the bee left the chat

 

seb: kimi?

 

seb: KIMI NO

 

seb: KIMI??

 

seb: KIMI

 

ham: seb it'll be okay i promise don't cry please

 

seb: I'M NOT CRYING

 

seb: I'M JUST

 

seb: I NEED A MINUTE

 

seb:

 

seb:

 

seb:

 

ham: seb?

 

seb: just one minute.

 

seb left the chat

 

ham: seb?

 

britney:

 

sharl:

 

nando:

 

yenson:

 

maximus:

 

dannyric:

 

gr63:

 

smooth operator:

 

yuki:

 

mick:

 

porridge:

 

formulino: 

 

ham: he's not coming back is he

 

porridge: no, i don't think he is.

 

gr63: just like you're never coming back to mercedes?

 

ham: george.

 

ham: this isn't a moment to be joking

 

porridge: no no george raises a valid point actually

 

porridge: i have a feeling that this revelation might just mean that for the first time ever i will actually feel safe going to mercedes

 

ham: wdym

 

britney: well

 

britney: there's not going to be any reason for him to bleach his eyes from now on, right?

 

britney: not unless he's going to aston martin

 

ham: NICO NO

 

ham: ITS NOT LIKE THAT

 

britney: oh ho ho

 

britney: but it is lewis

 

ham: YOU

 

ham: im done.

 

ham left the chat 

 

britney: well isn't this lovely

 

maximus: yeah it's quite nice actually 

 

gr63 kicked britney from the chat

 

gr63 kicked maximus from the chat

 

gr63: that's for lewis.

 

dannyric: GEORGE WHAT

 

yuki:

 

yuki: YOU CAN DO THAT?

 

yuki kicked sharl from the chat

 

nando: BAD YUKI

 

yuki: HAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHA

 

yenson added sharl to the chat

 

yenson added maximus to the chat

 

yenson: there

 

yenson: let's stop kicking people now ok?

 

yenson: OW

 

nando: hahahaha

 

smooth operator: what?

 

nando: i kicked him 

 

smooth operator: oh haha funny

 

porridge: you forgot nico

 

yenson:

 

yenson: oh

 

porridge: ...you gonna add him back?

 

yenson:

 

yenson: nah

 

gr63: LETS FUCKING GO BOYS

 

maximus: why did you kick me tho george

 

gr63: are you dumb

 

sharl: yes he is actually

 

gr63: is you're name max?

 

sharl: is YOUR name mr. bad grammar?

 

dannyric: oh my lord seb's been gone for 3 minutes and you're already turning into him 

 

sharl: you

 

sharl: OMG TOURE RIGHT AHHA

 

sharl: IM SCARED

 

yenson: EVERYONE JUST BREATHE

 

yenson: just breathe

 

yenson: ok?

 

yenson: everything's gonna be okay

 

sharl: y yeah you're right

 

maximus: yeah i guess

 

gr63: YUP it most certainly is, jenson button!

 

yuki: no comment

 

porridge: can i go back to eating my porridge now

 

yenson: yeah ok sure whatever

 

yenson: when did i become the mother of this group chat

 

nando: when you adopted yuki

 

yuki: when you adopted me

 

yenson: why did i do that again?

 

yuki: no clue

 

nando: because i was secretly in love with you but like it wasn't really a secret because we had literally discussed having children together

 

yenson: ah

 

yenson: ok yeah we're fucking weirdos good night everyone

 

yuki: night mom

 

yenson: 

 

yenson: kill me 

 

maximus: gladly

 

dannyric: nO MAX PUT THE KNIFE DOWN

Chapter 57: the possible murder (and scared blonde man)

gr63: did max just kill jenson?

 

dannyric: what no he just likes knives 

 

gr63: oh ok

 

mick:

 

mick: is no one else scared right now

 

sharl: no not really 

 

mick:

 

mick:

 

mick: oh ok

 

mick: i am

Chapter 58: the chuck

dannyric: chuck

 

dannyric: CHUCK LECLAIR ANSWER ME WHEN IM SPEAKING TO YOU

 

maximus: WHO THE HELL IS CHUCK

 

sharl: howdy

 

dannyric: there you are 

 

maximus: chuck?

 

sharl: that's me

 

maximus: i'm so confused 

 

dannyric: you'll understand when you're older maximus

 

maximus: IM OLDER THAT CHARLES

 

dannyric: YOU MEAN CHUCK

 

maximus: WHY THE FUCK DO YOU KEEP CALLING HIM CHUCK

 

sharl: it's the american version of me

 

maximus: what?

 

gr63: don't question him please

 

gr63: chuck leclair is ten times better than charlie lee-clark

 

maximus: WHO THE FUCK IS CHARLIE

 

sharl: me fam

 

gr63: oh my god don't tell me you're a roadman now

 

maximus: a what?

 

george: just picture a 14 year old in a black north face jacket with a dodgy ass haircut and a knife

 

george: in the middle of summer.

 

maximus: oh shit

 

maximus: that sounds like you're describing young yuki

 

yuki: I NEVER HAD A ROADMAN PHASE

 

maximus: it's fine anything's better than carlos's basic white girl on instagram phase

 

smooth operator: PUMPKIN SPICE LATTES AND UGG BOOTS WERE THE SHIT AND I STILL STAND BY THAT

 

smooth operator: AND DONT ACT LIKE I HAVENT SEEN YOUR OLD TWEETS

 

sharl: oh GOD

 

sharl: please don't tell me max has the classic used to post offensive stuff on twitter history

 

smooth operator: it's worse.

 

smooth operator: he was NICE

 

smooth operator: he was KIND dude

 

sharl: WHAT THE FUCK

 

dannyric: MAXIE IS THIS TRUE

 

maximus: OH MY GOD SORRY THAT I USED TO TWEET ABOUT HOW I WAS PROUD OF MY SISTER DOING WELL IN KARTING OR ABOUT MY FRIENDS GETTING GOOD GRADES OR HOW THAT ONE AUSTRALIAN F1 DRIVER WAS KINDA HOT

 

dannyric: you were really tweeting about me?

 

maximus: no i was tweeting about sexy sir jack brabham was at the age of 86

 

dannyric: 

 

maximus: OF COURSE IT WAS ABOUT YOU

 

dannyric: ok alright then no need to get so mad maximus

 

dannyric: marks quite hot so you never know

 

maximus: eh he's not bad i guess

 

dannyric: OH NO MAX WHAT HAVE YOU DONE

 

maximus: what?

 

maximus: i just said he was not bad

 

webman: nOT BAD FOR A NUMBER TWO DRIVER

 

dannyric: RUN EVERYONE RUN FOR YOUR LIVES

Chapter 59: the frozen pyjamas

yenson: you know we should probably add everyone back to the chat

 

nando: but it's so quiet without them

 

porridge: i have to agree it's very peaceful

 

yenson: yeah but i hate to admit

 

yenson: i kinda miss nico and lewis arguing

 

maximus: i miss arguing with lewis too

 

yenson: and the way he gets pissed off by the little things?

 

yenson: like it's so sad that i can say *nods head* or *laughs* and no one rages at it

 

sharl: or with seb gone

 

sharl: theirs no one to get mad at me for using the wrong 'your'

 

gr63: there's*

 

sharl: i stand corrected

 

gr63: literally :)

 

yuki: i miss nico 

 

yenson: why?

 

yuki: we were best friends

 

yenson: yuki i think you only ever spoke to him directly once

 

yuki:

 

yuki: YOU CANT TELL ME WHO IM BEST FRIENDS WITH

 

smooth operator: I THOUGHT WE WERE BEST FRIENDS

 

yuki: SHUT UP

 

sharl: i should probably take my pyjamas out of the freezer

 

yenson:

 

nando:

 

yuki:

 

smooth operator:

 

maximus:

 

dannyric:

 

porridge:

 

formulino:

 

dannyric: what the fuck

 

sharl: IT KEEPS THEM COLD

 

smooth operator: no i agree it's actually a life hack

 

smooth operator: i used to do that as a kid when it was too hot

 

nando: me too

 

smooth operator: omg

 

yenson: imagine growing up in a hot country

 

sharl: imagine growing up in a country that used to be cold but it's now warm thanks to climate change

 

yenson:

 

gr63:

 

yenson: THIS IS WHY WE NEED LEWIS BACK HE CARES ABOUT THE ENVIRONMENT

 

gr63 added environment man to the chat

 

environment man: why'd you add me back man

 

environment man: and why is my name "environment man"

 

gr63: charles was making jokes about climate change

 

environment man:

 

environment man: not cool bro

 

sharl: yes i'm aware it is 37°

 

environment man: i hate puns 

 

environment man: please change my name back

 

gr63 changed environment man's display name to ham

 

dannyric: it's kinda ironic how your name is ham but you're a vegan

 

ham: not funny

 

dannyric: i'm always funny

 

ham: sure jan

 

yenson: are we gonna add anyone else back

 

nando:

 

ham:

 

sharl:

 

dannyric:

 

maximus:

 

smooth operator:

 

gr63:

 

yuki:

 

mick:

 

formulino:

 

gr63: well i for one cannot be arsed

 

sharl: yeah me too let's just forget them

 

gr63: good idea

Chapter 60: the hill climbing

sharl: why the FUCK am i at the top of a hill

 

yuki: running up that road

 

smooth operator: running up that hill

 

maximus: running up that building

 

dannyric: it dOesnt hUrt mE

 

sharl: but this DOES HURT ME

 

smooth operator: then why did you go up the hill?

 

sharl: seb

 

sharl: remember that guy?

 

sharl: he used to be in this chat?

 

sharl: he made me

 

sharl: but i underestimated

 

sharl: my own personal fitness 

 

smooth operator: YOU ARE A PROFFESIONAL ATHLETE CHARLES

 

dannyric: ITS REAL SWEAT

 

dannyric: I'M A HIGH PERFORMANCE ATHLETE

 

dannyric: ATHLETES SWEAT

 

dannyric: SWEAT BABY

 

maximus: KI KI KI

 

dannyric: RRRRRA

 

maximus: SWEAT SWEAT

 

dannyric: RR RR

 

sharl: SHUT UP THIS IS ACTUAL REAL SWEAT OH MY GOD

 

yenson added seb to the chat

 

yenson: for fucks sake seb just get back on this chat i'm sick and tired of being the only responsible adult here

 

ham: I'M RIGHT HERE??

 

yenson: sorry lewis but 

 

yenson: no? <3

 

gr63: i love how lewis is the only one who got mad because the rest of us don't even consider ourselves real adults at this point

 

porridge: i do

 

porridge: i just dont care enough to argue

 

nando: i consider myself a real adult, just not a responsible one

 

gr63: fair enough 

 

gr63: i love how self aware we all are

 

mick: im an adult

 

yuki: shut up mick no one asked

 

mick: w what did i do

 

sharl: IM STILL DYING

 

yenson: SEB PLEASE JUST TAKE CHARLES BACK DOWN THE HILL

 

seb: but hill climbing is fun

 

sharl: YOU HAVE SUCH A TWISTED SENSE OF THE WORD FUN

 

seb: but isn't it great just walking?

 

seb: just you and the hills

 

seb: and the sky

 

seb: and the temptation to jump off

 

sharl: what

 

seb: oh and did i mention the view? so beautiful.

 

sharl: is this about kimi

 

seb: OH MY GOD CHARLES SORRY IF I JUST WANT TO WALK UP A HILL UNTIL I FORGET MY ALL ENCOMPASSING DARK DEVASTATING DEPRESSION.

 

sharl: SEB WHAT THE FUCK

 

yenson: oh fuck this you lot are insufferable 

 

yenson added barry the bee to the chat

 

yenson removed sharl, nando, ham, gr63, smooth operator, dannyric, maximus, yuki, porridge and mick from the chat

 

yenson: i feel like i've been on the receiving end of this before

 

seb: because you have?

 

yenson: oh yeah

 

yenson: well it worked out for me and nando so

 

yenson: talk away!

 

yenson left the chat

 

seb: um

 

seb: hey kimi

 

barry the bee left the chat

 

seb: fuck ok

 

seb added barry the bee to chat

 

seb: kimi please just talk to me

 

barry the bee:

 

barry the bee:

 

barry the bee: can i please not be a bee

 

seb: of course

 

seb changed barry the bee's display name to bwoah

 

bwoah: ok

 

bwoah: talk

 

seb: i

 

seb: i don't really know what to say

 

bwoah: you're in love with hamilton

 

seb: WHAT HAHA NO IM NOT

 

seb: i mean

 

seb: no!

 

seb: of course i'm not, silly!

 

bwoah: i am not silly

 

bwoah: you have not eaten ice cream with me for weeks.

 

seb: kimi i swear i

 

bwoah: i still buy two ice cream cones

 

bwoah: every time

 

bwoah: and one always melts

 

bwoah: because you are not there to eat it

 

bwoah: but i still get you one

 

bwoah: just in case you are running late

 

bwoah: but you have been running late for three weeks now

 

bwoah: and i have a mark on my hand now from melted ice cream

 

 bwoah: but i still buy you one

 

bwoah: even when i see you with him

 

bwoah: when i see him holding two cones

 

bwoah: one for you

 

bwoah: one for him

 

bwoah: and neither melt

 

bwoah: because you are there

 

bwoah: with him

 

seb: kimi

 

seb: i'm going to cry

 

bwoah: good

 

bwoah: because i don't care

 

bwoah left the chat

 

seb: but-

 

seb: kimi

 

seb: no

 

seb: kimi

 

seb: please

 

formulino: haha lmao get rekt 

 

seb: FORMULINO YOU BITCH I KNEW I DIDNT LIKE YOU

Notes:

i wrote this at the top of a hill

Chapter 61: the error code 404

seb: what do i do now

 

seb: how do i fix this?

 

seb: hold on

 

seb: is that-

 

seb: is that glock?

 

mASSa: NO ITS FUCKING NOT

 

timo: it is actually

 

mASSa: oh ok WHAT THE FUCK

 

seb: how on earth did you two get here

 

mASSa: same way as webber and albon

 

seb: huh?

 

albono: not bad

 

webman: nOT BAD FOR A NUMBER 2 DRIVER

 

albono: i feel your mistreatment from red bull pain

 

seb: alex i thought you didn't want to join the group chat because there were too many notifications 

 

albono: sorry what can't hear you mr. won 4 championships with red bull

 

seb: am i supposed to feel sorry

 

albono: yes kind of

 

webber: yes

 

gierre pasly: yes

 

seb: PIERRE??

 

gierre pasly: bonjour

 

seb: how are things going with charles

 

gierre pasly: good 

 

gierre pasly: piarles is still going strong

 

seb: awh that's good i'm so happy for you guys

 

seb: you guys need to come round for dinner again

 

gierre pasly: yess that sounds like a good idea

 

gierre pasly: kimi's cooking is delicious

 

seb:

 

seb: k

 

seb: kimi

 

seb: kimi?

 

gierre pasly: did i say something wrong? 

 

albono: they had a fight

 

gierre pasly: oh no

 

gierre pasly: wait how did you know that

 

albono: I SPY ON THIS CHAT OVER GEORGE'S SHOULDER WE'VE ESTABLISHED THIS PIERRE

 

gierre pasly: I DIDNT EVEN KNOW THIS CHAT EXISTED UNTIL 2 MINUTES AGO

 

gierre pasly: why was it even created anyway

 

gierre pasly: and why was i never added?

 

seb: um

 

seb: charles

 

seb: you

 

gierre pasly: hmm?

 

seb: yeah no uh no reason nothing to do with you

 

gierre pasly: ok....?

 

seb: *thumbs up*

 

gierre pasly: *confused thumbs up back*

 

seb:

 

seb: did you just put an action in asterisks?

 

gierre pasly: yeah?

 

seb: ohmygodyoubetterfuckingmarrycharles

 

gierre pasly: what was that?

 

seb: hmm? oh nothing haha!

 

seb: anyway

 

seb: i really need to tell kimi the truth

 

albono: which is?

 

seb: that i love him.

 

albono: EEEEEEE

 

gierre pasly: YAAAA

 

mASSa: OH MY GODD

 

webman: wow

 

timo: YES!

 

seb: wow ok you guys really ship simi

 

seb: but yes

 

seb: lewis is nice

 

seb: and we're very good friends

 

seb: but it's never been like that

 

seb: and i need kimi to know that it's him

 

seb: it's always been him

 

gierre pasly: awh

 

mASSa: THIS IS SO FUCKING CUTE

 

timo: felipe are you... crying?

 

mASSa: SHUT UP TIMO NO ONE LIKES YOU 

 

timo: OH MY GOD IM SORRY THAT MY ENGINE BLEW UP 14 FUCKING YEARS AGO FELIPE GET OVER IT

 

mASSa: 

 

mASSa: respectfully no

 

seb: GUYS GUYS SHUT UP

 

seb: i'm going to add kimi back

 

seb: i'm going to fix this.

 

albono: awh good luck seb

 

gierre pasly: yes we are all rooting for you!

 

timo: good luck!

 

mASSa: yeah good luck seb

 

seb:

 

albono:

 

gierre pasly:

 

timo:

 

mASSa:

 

mASSa: are you not going to say something mark?

 

webman:

 

webman: good luck i guess

 

seb: MARK THATS THE NICEST THING YOUVE EVER SAID TO ME

 

seb: I CAN DO THIS

 

error code 404: mASSa, timo, albono, webman, and gierre pasly joined and left the chat

 

seb: wish me luck formulino

 

formulino: meow

 

seb: i can do this.

Chapter 62: the simi (pt. 2)

seb added bwoah to the chat

 

seb: kimi

 

bwoah: what

 

seb: i love you

 

bwoah: that's nice

 

bwoah left the chat

 

formulino: that sneaky motherfucker

Chapter 63: the simi (pt. 3)

seb added bwoah to the chat

 

seb: kimi

 

bwoah: what

 

seb: i love you and dONT FUCKING LEAVE THE CHAT AGAIN BECAUSE I LOVE YOU

 

seb: FUCK LEWIS

 

seb: THATS NICOS JOB

 

seb: I LIKE YOU

 

seb: I LIKE OUR ICE CREAM HANGOUTS

 

seb: I LIKE HOW WE SOMEHOW BECAME CHARLES'S PARENTS

 

seb: AND EVEN IF ITS JUST AS FRIENDS

 

seb: I FUCKING LOVE YOU MAN

 

bwoah:

 

bwoah: bwoah

 

bwoah:  you swore

 

bwoah: so you really mean it

 

seb: yes kimi of course i really mean it

 

bwoah:

 

bwoah: ok

 

bwoah: i love you too

 

seb:

 

seb: wait WHAT

 

bwoah: why are you confused

 

seb: i'm just

 

seb: i didn't expect it to be that easy

 

bwoah: well i thought you weren't serious about not liking hamilton so i didn't believe you but then you swore and you only swear when it is serious therefore i now know you are serious 

 

seb: oh

 

seb: yay?

 

bwoah: yay.

 

seb: :)

 

bwoah: :)

 

seb: <3

 

bwoah:

 

bwoah: <3

 

seb: THIS IS THE GREATEST DAY OF MY LIFE

 

bwoah: ok can i go back to never saying anything on this chat anymore

 

seb: of course kimi

 

bwoah: good

 

bwoah muted this chat

 

seb: i feel like i am going to cry

 

seb: 

 

seb: yeah i'm crying

 

seb: but whatever

 

seb: time to add everyone back i guess

 

seb added sharl, ham, nando, yenson, gr63, porridge, yuki, smooth operator, dannyric, maximus, and mick to the chat

 

yenson: did it work?

 

seb: yes

 

yenson: thank fuck

 

yenson: i think i need a three year break from this chat now

 

yenson left the chat

 

dannyric: oh shit he was actually serious

 

nando: he says he'll come back eventually 

 

sharl: so wait simi is officially real??

 

seb: i'm not sure

 

seb: but what i am sure of is that it doesn't have to be

 

maximus: what about lewis

 

ham: what about me

 

maximus: um

 

maximus: sewis?

 

ham: maxiel?

 

maximus: touché

 

dannyric: wdym "touché" maxiel is real 

 

ham: fine um

 

ham: lestappen

 

sharl: EW OH MY GOD NEVER SAY THAT AGAIN

 

ham: chestappen

 

maximus: is that a fucking pokemon

 

ham: maybe who knows

 

seb: i will just stick to simi as my favourite ship

 

sharl: and brocedes

 

ham: i still don't understand the whole brocedes thing

 

sharl: YOU WERE BROS AT MERCEDES BROS + MERCEDES = BROCEDES

 

porridge: OH TRUST ME THEY WERE MORE THAN BROS

 

gr63: MY EYES

 

gr63: MY POOR EYES

 

seb: ok i'm gonna go get ice cream with kimi

 

seb: bye

Chapter 64: the identity crisis

maximus: おい bitches

 

dannyric: what

 

maximus: 私は今日本語を話します

 

maximus: 裕毅が教えてくれた

 

yuki: 彼はとても優秀な学生です

 

dannyric: ohhhhh

 

ham:

 

ham:

 

ham: am i just 

 

ham: are we just supposed to understand

 

dannyric: i mean

 

dannyric: i'd have thought you'd have downloaded google translate by now

 

ham: je pensais qu'apprendre le français suffirait !

 

sharl: attends tu parles couramment maintenant?

 

ham: je ne sais pas peut-être

 

sharl: c'est... assez impressionnant

 

ham: merci

 

britney: je parle français aussi 

 

sharl: ooo d'accord M.  "j'ai grandi à monaco je suis tellement chic" SHUT UP

 

britney: VOUS ÊTES LITTÉRALEMENT UN MONÉGASQUE

 

britney: JE SUIS FINLANDAIS ET ALLEMAND

 

seb: WIR WOLLEN SIE NICHT

 

mick: i- ich habe nichts gegen dich Nico

 

seb: Mick sei ruhig 

 

mick: Verzeihung

 

bwoah: emme myöskään halua sinua

 

porridge: olen samaa mieltä

 

britney: OK SO WHERE AM I SUPPOSED TO GO THEN

 

britney: ANCHE IO PARLO ITALIANO POSSO ESSERE ITALIANO?

 

sharl: ASSOLUTAMENTE NO

 

britney: YO TAMBIEN HABLO ESPAÑOL?

 

nando: POR FAVOR VETE

 

smooth operator: si lo siento nico pero no

 

nico: you guys are really making me have an identity crisis 

 

ham: good

 

gr63: Juist come be scots wi' me nico

 

britney: i'd rather die

 

gr63: THIS IS WHY NO ONE LIKES YOU

Chapter 65: the twilight scam

sharl: i'm so bored

 

smooth operator: please don't start going all "pftpftpffffftTtTttTtTtTtT" on us

 

sharl: pfft what when am i ever like that

 

smooth operator: that is a direct quote from you 48 chapters ago. 

 

sharl: YOU COUNTED??

 

seb: charles please just say you're not in a team meeting right now

 

sharl: i am not !

 

yuki: i am who

 

maximus: i am what

 

yuki: what's the reason for my real existence 

 

maximus: du du du du du du du?

 

yuki: frEEZING COLD BUT I KNOW WE'LL BURN FOREVER

 

nando: elsa?

 

porridge: the snow glows white on the mountain tonight

 

nando: not a footprint to be seen

 

yuki: YOU LEARNED THE WORDS?

 

nando: yes

 

yuki: this is why i was adopted by you

 

nando: :D

 

yuki: :D

 

seb: charles

 

seb: if you're not in a team meeting then why are you so bored?

 

sharl: idk

 

sharl: life

 

sharl: existential crises

 

ham: i've had plenty of those

 

britney: like last night

 

ham: oH my god nico sORRY if i ANNOYED you by having a panic attack at 4AM about where bIRDS GO AT NIGHT

 

britney: THEY GO TO SLEEP LIKE WE SHOULD'VE BEEN DOING

 

ham: WHEN HAVE YOU SEEN ONE NICO. WHEN HAVE YOU EVER SEEN A SLEEPING BIRD?

 

mick: i have never seen a sleeping bird

 

ham: THANK YOU MICK

 

mick: (^ᴗ^)

 

yuki: i don't thank you mick

 

mick: ('･_･')

 

sharl: GUYS robert pattinson just messaged me on instagram

 

sharl: he says i can be in the next twilight move if i send him my back account details 

 

sharl: this is so exciting !!

 

ham: charles robert pattinson doesn't have instagram

 

sharl: oh

 

sharl: so he made an account just to message me?

 

sharl: im so honoured !

 

ham: seb

 

seb: mhm?

 

ham:

 

ham: please go save charles 

 

seb: i'm on my way

Chapter 66: the hugs

dannyric: you know

 

dannyric: sometimes i think charles might secretly be ariana grande

 

dannyric: but other times i think

 

dannyric: "you're so funny dan, everyone loves you"

 

dannyric: and i decide that's more fun to think about

 

maximus:

 

maximus: you are indeed a funny man

 

dannyric: i know!

 

dannyric: wanna hear a joke?

 

maximus: no

 

dannyric: what?

 

maximus: *coughs* i mean yeah sure of course

 

ham:

 

ham: i hate you

 

seb: *smiles*

 

ham:

 

ham: think happy thoughts lewis happy thoughts

 

dannyric: ok it goes like this:

 

dannyric: what did one frenchman say to the other frenchman?

 

maximus: i don't know 

 

dannyric: neither do i because i don't speak french!

 

ham: C'EST ÇA QUE J'AI ATTEINT MA DERNIÈRE PAILLE AVEC VOUS BEAUCOUP

 

sharl: oh my god letting lewis learn french was the worst decision i've ever made seb i'm scared please hug me

 

seb: hold on i'm hugging mick

 

mick: >:(

 

yuki: i want a hug

 

nando: yenson?

 

yuki: HE ISNT HERE ANYMORE.

 

nando: oh shit

 

nando: okay

 

nando: yuki

 

nando: w

 

nando: w w ould

 

seb: you can do it fernando

 

nando: w would you l like

 

nando: would you like a hug?

 

yuki:

 

yuki: ABSOLUTELY 

 

nando: AY OH MY GOD WHY DO YOU HUG LIKE THAT

 

ham: oh my god imagine yuki was tall

 

britney: we'd be attending fernando's funeral

 

ham: agh i wish

 

yuki: what

 

yuki: the

 

yuki: fuck

 

yuki: did

 

yuki: you

 

yuki: just

 

yuki: SAY?

 

britney: LEWIS RUN

 

ham: I AM RUNNING IM RUNNING

 

dannyric: SHES A RUNNER SHES A TRACKSTAR

 

yuki: GET BACK HERE

 

gr63: is that a knife in yuki's hand?

 

dannyric: is that a knoife 

 

maximus: is that a knoife

 

ham: AAAAAAAAADNPJQNDKANKDKEKAMSKN

Chapter 67: the depression

sharl: i have no friends

 

sharl: i am destined to be forever alone

 

sharl: no one loves me

 

sharl: might jump off a bridge

 

gr63: what?

 

sharl: idk im just in a silly goofy mood you know

 

gr63: ok i know you said existential crises but what on earth is happening in that tiny tiny brain of yours?

 

sharl: SEB AND KIMI WENT ON HOLIDAY AND NOW IM ALL ALONE

 

smooth operator: but you have pierre no?

 

sharl: THEY TOOK PIERRE WITH THEM

 

dannyric: oh that's cold

 

maximus: that's worse than this one time my dad left me at the airport and took some random kid named julio on vacation with him instead because i lost a race when i was 8

 

dannyric: max

 

dannyric: would you like a hug?

 

maximus: erm no thank you

 

dannyric: oh alright brb hehe just gotta beat up some guy

 

maximus: who?

 

dannyric: no one hehe definitely not your father hehe anyway see ya later fellas

 

gr63: i'm- ok charles, why on earth did they bring pierre but not you?

 

sharl: WELL

 

sharl: it's not that they didn't bring me per say

 

sharl:

 

gr63: ...well?

 

sharl: they forgot me

 

gr63: what?

 

sharl: THEY FORGOT ME GEORGE

 

gr63:

 

gr63:

 

gr63: 

 

gr63: BAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHA

 

gr63: YOU GOT FORGOTTEN BY YOUR OWN BOYFRIEND

 

sharl: IT WASNT ON PURPOSE

 

sharl: i got distracted by a bee

 

gr63: HOW.

 

sharl: SEB HAS A LOT OF BEES

 

sharl: we went to his house so we could all drive to the airport together and i left my suitcase inside

 

sharl: and when i went back to get it

 

sharl: i saw a bee

 

sharl: and i was like "oh cool a bee"

 

sharl: AND THEN IT TRIED TO KILL ME

 

sharl: SO I STARTED SCREAMING

 

sharl: and when i went outside they had driven away 

 

yuki: 

 

yuki: charles that is such a sad story

 

yuki: i think you should break up with pierre because of it

 

sharl: yuki why would i do that

 

yuki: bECAUSE PIERRE SHOULD BE WITH ME NOT YOU 

 

sharl: HES MY BOYFRIEND NOT YOURS GET OVER IT

 

yuki: NEVER

 

smooth operator: i have to hear this argument at work everyday and i can't even get a break from it here

 

dannyric: it's better than what i have to hear when you come to mclaren

 

smooth operator: YOURE JUST JEALOUS

 

dannyric: WHY WOULD I BE JEALOUS WHEN I HAVE A BOYFRIEND

 

smooth operator: well it doesn't matter anyway

 

smooth operator: i spoke to oscar piastri the other day

 

smooth operator: thought i should warn him 

 

smooth operator: maybe you could give him tips on how to avoid us?

 

dannyric: you did not

 

maximus: carlos. me. you. outside red bull's garages. 6pm. fist fight.

 

smooth operator: what i'm just saying the obvious

 

maximus: 6. p. m.

 

yuki: CHARLES YOU SHOULD COME TOO AND WE CAN FIGHT AS WELL

 

sharl: IM FLYING OUT TO FIJI 

 

gr63: WHY FIJI?

 

sharl: THATS WHERE SEB KIMI AND PIERRE ARE?

 

gr63: im just gonna get some popcorn and go watch the fight

 

gr63: good luck charles i guess

 

sharl: bye

Chapter 68: the fiji mishap

sharl: ok 

 

sharl: so

 

sharl: it turns out seb kimi and pierre are not in fiji

 

maximus: where the fuck are they then?

 

sharl: apparently we were supposed to be going to mexico? 

 

gr63: how on earth do you get fiji confused with MEXICO?

 

sharl: I DONT KNOW I CANT READ

 

gr63: HOW CAN YOU NOT READ?

 

smooth operator: he can definitely read based on how much time he spends in team meetings on wattpad instead 

 

dannyric: he reads wattpad?

 

dannyric: i thought he liked episode

 

smooth operator: now he's moved on now

 

smooth operator: he's evolving

 

yuki: like a pokémon?

 

ham: like chestappen?

 

smooth operator: yes sure like chestappen

 

dannyric: what does he read on wattpad

 

smooth operator: mainly reader x charles leclerc

 

ham: what the fuck

 

britney: LEWIS I HAVE SEEN YOU READ READER X LEWIS HAMILTON BEFORE

 

ham: SHUT UP NICO THAT WAS ONE TIME

 

sharl: guys please be serious for a second guys is it possible to fly from fiji to mexico

 

gr63: ...yes?

 

gr63: why would it not be

 

sharl: idk its just they're like opposite corners on a map you know

 

gr63: charles

 

gr63: please tell me you know that the earth is round?

 

sharl:

 

sharl: 

 

sharl: pfftt what of course i am not stupid

 

yuki: "i am not stupid"

 

yuki: thats not a sentence i ever thought i would hear charles say

 

maximus: i don't blame charles though maps are pretty cool

 

dannyric: OH MY GOD YOUR MAP

 

ham: what map?

 

dannyric: he talked about it on the sofa in monaco

 

sharl: OK IVE BOOKED MY FLIGHT

 

dannyric: alrighty way to interrupt a lad

 

sharl: i am flying to mexico!

 

sharl: i'll show you a picture of the travel informations

 

sharl: [IMG_071682]

 

gr63:

 

gr63: charles

 

gr63: that says monaco not mexico

 

sharl: WHAT?

 

sharl: oh shit

 

sharl: ah well

 

sharl: guess im going to monaco

 

gr63:

 

gr63: your stupidity never fails to amaze me

 

britney: at least he's not as stupid as lewis

 

ham: TAKE THAT BACK

 

britney: no 

 

sharl: :D

Chapter 69: the durunk

Notes:

we are at chapter 69 ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

also i wrote this chapter while slightly drunk im sorry

maximus: belppo 

 

ham: what

 

sharl:  we are jfrknk 

 

sharl: drunk 

 

sharl: wasterd 

 

maximus: in monaco

 

maximus: charles sod is fom monaco

 

maximus: I POVE MAONCO

 

ham: what

 

dannyric : i am here time

 

britney: i am concerned

 

sharl: mmmmmhmymgmg mimosa

 

sharl: very tasyeoty 

 

maximus: nosoooso charles m in imosooea

 

sharl: ml aco has boats

 

sharl: LETA DRIVE A BOAT

 

britney: oh my god where are you going

 

nando: can i join

 

ham: not helpful fernando 

 

shad: i love iron man

 

sharl: im iron deficient

 

seb: what?

 

seb: charles

 

seb: do you need me to take you to the doctors?

 

sharl: mshf is am osn 

 

maximus: im on a bOAat

 

dannyric: IM ON THE BAIYAT TOO

 

dannyric: WEEEWOOOWOEEEOO FLOATY

 

britney: i'm seriously concerned 

 

seb: kimi please help what do we do

 

bwoah: find them

 

bwoah: give them some coffee

 

bwoah: they'll be better in the morning

 

sharl: Noo Kimi I don't wNat a ahungOver

 

sharl: heyyyyyysy remember when u hated aebastaina and we hadded otmarq two the chat for the freezerw 

 

sharl: that was funtntntntntty

 

sharl: and when fenrnsdo was n lleove edith benson dbut only spoke spansih

 

sharl: no hablo espnabol 

 

sharl: sono inglese

 

maximus: non posso l'anglais 

 

dannyric VOULES VOUS COUCHER AVEC MOI

 

sharl: GIchIE GITCHIE YAYA ZAZA

 

yuki: DID YOU JUST FUCKING KRIS US?

 

sharl: GES HAHAH

 

yuki: im done with life

 

ham: seb please just get the coffee

 

bwoah:

 

seb: we're on our way

Chapter 70: the meep morp

ham: just checked twitter

 

ham: turns out people really love shirtless pictures of me

 

britney: lewis stop pretending you don't post thirst traps on purpose 

 

ham: i have no clue what you are talking about

 

maximus: yeah and i'm daniel ricciardo

 

dannyric: you called 

 

britney: we're talking about twitter simps 

 

dannyric: oh i have them

 

sharl: me too

 

smooth operator: me three

 

maximus:

 

maximus: where the fuck are my twitter simps then

 

dannyric: right here bbg 

 

maximus:

 

maximus: please mate for the love of fucking god never say that again 

 

dannyric: it's true tho

 

maximus: i regret knowing you

 

ham: hey that's how i feel about nico

 

britney: what that i'm hot but you regret knowing me

 

ham:

 

ham:

 

ham: maybe

 

britney: ;)

 

nando: oh my god britney please never do that again

 

ham: 

 

britney: 

 

ham: fernando?

 

nando: yes?

 

nando: oh

 

nando: sorry

 

nando: that was yenson

 

ham: oh hey jenson

 

britney: hi jenson

 

seb: jenson how have you been?

 

nando: hello hi jenson here

 

yuki: WHEN THE FUCK ARE YOU COMING BACK IM STUCK WITH THESE FUCKING IDIOTS ALL THE FUCKING TIME 

 

nando: 

 

nando: alrighty im gonna leave so i can stop yuki from murdering someone

 

sharl: yes please do

 

sharl: i have a feeling if he does it will be me

 

gr63: eh wouldn't be a such a bad thing though would it

 

sharl:

 

sharl: let's go back to talking about simps and how you are one for lewis

 

gr63: WHAT haha me? a simp? for LEWIS? never hahahahahhahahahhaha what are you even on about 

 

gr63: 

 

gr63:

 

gr63:

 

seb: shit 

 

sharl:

 

ham:

 

britney:

 

nando:

 

dannyric:

 

maximus:

 

yuki: 

 

smooth operator:

 

porridge:

 

mick: 

 

bwoah:

 

formulino: 

 

sharl: DID SEB JUST FUCKING SWEAR

 

sharl: OH MY GOD

 

sharl: SOMEONE MUST BE DYING

 

seb: no i was just worried george had accidentally activated error code 404

 

sharl: what?

 

seb:

 

seb: long story

 

gr63: meep morp meep

 

seb: SHIT

 

gr63: 

 

gr63: hey guys albono here

 

seb: DONT SAY IT

 

seb: ALEX DONT SAY IT

 

gr63:

 

gr63:

 

gr63:

 

gr63:

 

gr63:

 

gr63:

 

gr63: not bad

 

webman: nOT BAD FOR A NUMBER 2 DRIVER

 

seb: NOOOOOOOOOOOO

 

error code 404: webman left the chat

 

ham: is seb alright

 

bwoah: no

 

ham:

 

ham: alright

Chapter 71: the shirtless pic

maximus: why does charles have more twitter simps than me

 

sharl: i don't know maybe i am just sexier 

 

dannyric:

 

dannyric: 

 

dannyric: hey max send me that shirtless pic of u

 

maximus: why

 

dannyric: because ur smexy

 

maximus: 

 

maximus: i don't trust you

 

maximus: but i'll send it anyway

 

dannyric:

 

dannyric: no not that one

 

dannyric: the one where you look hot

 

maximus: HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO KNOW WHAT PHOTOS I LOOK HOT IN

 

maximus: AND I THOUGHT YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO ALWAYS FIND ME HOT

 

dannyric: im sorry max but i fear i carry the sexiness in this relationship

 

maximus: fuck you

 

maximus:

 

maximus: at least i carry the championships

 

ham: OHHHHH

 

sharl: you did not

 

dannyric: 

 

dannyric: im gonna ignore that one fellas

 

dannyric: anyway

 

dannyric: there

 

gr63: daniel

 

gr63: why did you just tweet "i simp" with a picture of max shirtless attached?

 

dannyric: because i do

 

maximus: DANIEL

 

maximus: EVERYONES GOING TO THINK WE ARE DATING NOW

 

dannyric: WE ARE DATING THOUGH

 

maximus: YEAH BUT THEY'RE NOT SUPPOSED TO KNOW

 

sharl: we all know

 

maximus: yeah but you guys haven't told anyone else

 

maximus:

 

maximus: ...right?

 

ham: i told roscoe 

 

britney: i also told roscoe

 

porridge: i have also informed roscoe of this information 

 

gr63: yeah um i may have done the same

 

maximus: alright i guess

 

maximus: what's a dog gonna do

 

ham: roscoe has instagram max. 

 

ham: he can do anything.

 

maximus: YOU UNFOLLOWED HIM

 

ham: I UNFOLLOWED EVERYONE

 

maximus: YEAH CAUSE I BEAT YOU

 

ham: YOU MEAN YOU HACKED MICHAEL MASI AND RIGGED THE CHAMPIONSHIP

 

maximus: I CAPITALISED ON HIS BREAKING OF THE RULES

 

britney: GUYS SHUT UP

 

ham:

 

maximus:

 

britney:

 

britney: did you know that in 2016 i beat 7 time world champion lewis hamilton in equal machinery?

 

ham: oh my GOD nico NO ONE ASKED

Chapter 72: the crocs

seb: i need a final opinion

 

seb: are crocs a fashion crime?

 

sharl: YES SEB WE HAVE BEEN THROUGH THIS SIXTEEN TIMES THEY MOST DEFINITELY ARE

 

seb: 

 

seb: ok but what about crocs with socks though?

 

sharl:

 

sharl: kill me

 

sharl: please

 

gr63: ok

 

maximus: sure

 

yuki: i'd love to

 

sharl:

 

sharl: i am afraid 

 

mick: WHY DO YOU GUYS ALL WANT TO KILL EACH OTHER ALL THE TIME

 

yuki: 

 

yuki: BECAUSE CHARLES FUCKING STOLE PIERRE

 

britney: oh my god we're back to this

 

ham: this is so the first 15 chapters 

 

britney: of what?

 

ham: ur mum

 

mick: you are all very strange

 

nando: i agree

 

sharl: see but i don't think i have done anything wrong here

 

sharl: i am not allowed to have a boyfriend apparently 

 

yuki: YES WELL DONE CORRECT

 

nando: yuki leave him alone

 

yuki: YOU CANT TELL ME WHAT TO DO

 

nando: YES I CAN

 

yuki: 

 

yuki: JENSON WOULDNT TELL ME WHAT TO DO

 

nando: YOU-

 

nando: LE DIRÉ A FRENCH TOAST QUE ERES TU EL QUE DERRAMO HELADO POR TODA SU OFICINA SI ME COMPARAS CON YENSON OTRA VEZ

 

yuki: 黙って 

 

yuki: 私は尋ねませんでした

 

yuki: あなたが私にpierreを盗ませてくれるまで、私は日本語を話し続けます

 

nando: あなたは私を過小評価している

 

yuki: あなたは日本語を学びましたか????

 

nando: はい

 

nando: 私はそれがあなたを幸せにするかもしれないと思った

 

yuki: 私は泣くつもりです

 

nando: :) ?

 

yuki: :))

 

nando: :D

 

yuki: :D

 

maximus:

 

maximus: you guys

 

maximus: that was so emotional

 

dannyric: holy shit he's actually tearing up right now

 

ham: why tho

 

dannyric: he speaks japanese remember

 

ham: oh yeah of course

 

dannyric: bro max is full on crying now

 

seb: *max tears up*

 

ham:

 

ham: 

 

ham:

 

ham:

 

ham left the chat 

 

seb: *is confused*

 

britney: *is very happy*

 

maximus: *まだ泣いている*

Chapter 73: the yensonando fight

britney added ham to the chat

 

ham: do you guys hear that?

 

seb: hear what?

 

sharl: shshhshshsh i hear it too

 

ham:

 

sharl:

 

seb:

 

gr63:

 

yuki:

 

smooth operator:

 

dannyric:

 

maximus:

 

mick:

 

porridge:

 

bwoah:

 

formulino: 

 

ham: shit

 

gr63: is that...?

 

gr63:

 

maximus: i can't hear shit

 

gr63: shut UP

 

seb: oh no

 

seb: it's...

 

seb: it almost sounds like...

 

seb: fernando's revenge laugh?

 

sharl: FUUUCK

 

ham: WHAT DOES HE WANT REVENGE FOR NOW

 

bwoah: no you idiots

 

bwoah: that is not his revenge laugh

 

britney: WHAT IS IT THEN

 

bwoah:

 

bwoah:

 

bwoah:

 

bwoah: he's crying

 

yuki: WHY

 

yuki: WHAT HAPPENED

 

seb: fernando?

 

seb: are you there?

 

nando left the chat

 

ham: oh shit

 

seb added yenson to the chat

 

yenson changed yenson's display name to jenson  

 

jenson: i'm not yenson anymore

 

seb: oh no

 

seb: i fear something bad has happened

 

dannyric: baaaad bad

 

smooth operator: big big bad

 

mick: über bad

 

yuki: ARE YOU GETTING A DIVORCE???

 

jenson: WHAT woah WOAH slow down yuki

 

jenson: i am very mad at him right now though

 

seb: what happened?

 

jenson:

 

jenson: i may have said some things i regret

 

ham: like what

 

jenson: it's

 

jenson: no 

 

jenson: i can't

 

jenson left the chat

 

smooth operator: i do not think this is good

 

sharl: pierre says he hears yuki bawling in the other room

 

sharl: oop

 

sharl: i think he's punched a whole in the wall

 

sharl: yup yup

 

britney: damn you can hear it from the mercedes garage 

 

gr63: YES NICO

 

gr63: DO YOU KNOW WHAT ELSE YOU CAN HEAR FROM THE MERCEDES GARAGE???

 

britney:

 

britney: oh my god yeah i know carlos and lando are so loud aren't they?

 

ham: it's insufferable!

 

 gr63: i hate you guys

 

smooth operator: for the last time i lIKE GIRLS 

 

ham: mhm yeah me too carlos me too

 

smooth operator: i hate you all

 

yuki: I HATE EVERYTHING

 

yuki: FIRST CHARLES

 

yuki: FUCKING STEALS PIERRE

 

yuki: AND NOW MY ADOPTIVE PARENTS ARE GETTING A DIVORCE

 

yuki: WHAT THE FUCK AM I SUPPOSED TO DO WITH MY LIFE

 

seb: yuki

 

seb: breathe

 

yuki:

 

yuki: 

 

yuki: yeah

 

seb: yeah?

 

yuki: yeah.

 

seb: ok

 

seb: phew

 

yuki: JUST KIDDING

 

yuki: I STILL HATE EVERYTHING AND EVERYONE

 

seb: dear god

 

seb: who left me as the only responsible person here

 

seb: i need a mojito 

 

dannyric: i have mojitos

 

seb: i'm on my way

 

ham: ok but maybe we should try to ask fernando what happened?

 

britney: maybe 

 

seb: go for it

 

seb: i've stopped caring

 

ham added nando to the chat

 

ham: fernando what happened between you and jenson

 

nando: why would i tell you HAMILTON

 

britney: HEY

 

britney: don't "hamilton" him

 

ham: awh

 

ham: nico <3

 

ham: you're turning into kimi.

 

britney: 

 

britney: fuck

 

bwoah: fernando alonso díaz explain yourself or i will steal your entire freezer from alpines garage

 

seb: KIMI

 

seb: tahts tooooo farr

 

maximus: what happened to his spelling

 

seb: sorry i spileld some omjito on my ph on e

 

seb: ist messing with the screne 

 

dannyric: (translation: it's a very strong mojito.)

 

nando: no he hecho nada mal

 

seb: oP we're back to the languagegs i seeeee

 

seb: voi siete la squadra rossa

appassionati, arrenderete mai

la mia fermata sta arrivando

mi è piaciuto stare con voi

sentito la vostra magia

un sensazione straordinaria 

ragazzi, mi ringrazio per avermi

mi mancherete 

un staluto a tutti voi a Maranello

meritate menzionato qui

e adesso, io quasi quasi dirò addio e auguro

auguro il meglio 

auguro di essere felice, ma di più essere sano 

da da da da da da 

grazie 

 

ham:

 

ham: what

 

nando: TODO ES CULPA DE JENSON

 

ham: ok ok ok i think we need to actually figure this out

 

nando: NO

 

nando left the chat 

 

ham: well

 

ham: shit

Chapter 74: the mojitos

ham added nando and jenson the chat

 

nando: what do you want 

 

ham: for you two to make up?

 

ham: idk 

 

ham: i don't actually care

 

britney: is seb still drunk 

 

seb: yres 

 

maximus: daniel do you have any leftover mojitos 

 

dannyric: yeah i'm making more

 

sharl: why are you making mojitos in the first place

 

dannyric: idk it's a pr video for mclaren or something

 

dannyric: to convince people me and lando don't hate each other

 

dannyric: but the thing is

 

dannyric: that milk child can actually be quite annoying  

 

dannyric: so i convinced them to let us bring in special guests

 

smooth operator: i hvAe a mojioto too

 

dannyric: we're producing great content here

 

dannyric: carlos has tried to kiss lando four times already 

 

smooth operator: fUck the cameras

 

dannyric: the carlando shippers are having a field day right now

 

gr63:: daniel i can FEEL your shit eating grin

 

dannyric: :D

 

jenson: can i come get a mojito

 

dannyric: nah mate you're a williams man now

 

dannyric: your mclaren days are over

 

jenson: um

 

jenson: alex

 

jenson: you there?

 

gr63: meep morp meep

 

gr63: hello

 

jenson: hello

 

jenson: you're friends with lando right?

 

gr63: correcto

 

jenson: i need you to get me into mclaren's garages

 

gr63: no problemo

 

britney: is he actually-

 

maximus: JENSON IS HRER

 

jenson: mMm

 

jenson: this mojito is veryye good

 

jenson: it woulnd probbly drive the mclaren betwer than dandiel

 

dannyric: excuse me

 

jenson: sofry i meantn ummm kvyat

 

torpedo: EXCUSE ME

 

torpedo: i am so offended right now

 

jenson: holy sHit

 

jenson: sorry danil 

 

torpedo: its ok i forgive you

 

jenson: thank

 

jenson: you know who shouldnt forigive me thoug

 

jenson: nando

 

jenson: i'm sorry for saying el plan was a failur

 

ham: YOU SAID WHAT

 

sharl: HOLY SHIT i understand why he was in deep trouble now

 

nando: no 

 

nando: yenson

 

nando: i am sorry

 

jenson: whatt 

 

jenson: why

 

nando: i only got mad because i was scared that you are right

 

jenson: but im not

 

jenson: el plan is very succes 

 

jenson: you hav more jchampionships than me and BOTH daniels combined 

 

nando: i guess so

 

nando: but my career

 

nando: why am i going to aston martin

 

ham: hold on can we just take a minute to appreciate that fernando is talking about jenson in literally any language other than spanish

 

nando: esteba tratando de ser considerado con los lectores 

 

nando: puedo hablar en español si quieres

 

ham: s'il te plait ne le fais pas

 

nando: ok then DONT INTERRUPT ME

 

ham: soz?

 

nando: where was i 

 

nando: yenson

 

nando: i am sorry

 

nando: i am too defensive of el plan

 

jenson: no

 

jenson: i am sorry

 

jenson: i shouldn't have said all those things

 

jenson: and 

 

jenson: fuck

 

jenson: i never should have 

 

jenson changed jenson's display name to yenson

 

yenson: i should never have denounced yenson like that

 

nando:

 

nando: ily 

 

yenson: ily

 

nando: <3

 

yenson: <3

 

yuki: THANK FUCK

 

gr63: i'm throwing up right now and i can't tell if it's the mojito's or the disgusting sweetness of that exchange 

 

sharl: WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE WITHOUT A MOJITO

 

dannyric: trust me charles

 

dannyric: based on what happened in vegas

 

dannyric: i don't think you wan't to try this

 

maximus: the fuck happened in vegas

 

dannyric:

 

sharl:

 

dannyric:

 

sharl:

 

dannyric:

 

sharl: you do not want to know

 

maximus: ok alrighty i guess i don't

 

maximus: welp look at that

 

maximus: gotta ferrari engine 

 

maximus left the chat

 

sharl:

 

smooth operator: i don't get it

 

sharl:

 

smooth operator:

 

sharl:

 

smooth operator:

 

sharl:

 

smooth operator:

 

sharl:

 

smooth operator:

 

sharl:

 

formulino:

 

smooth operator:

 

sharl:

 

smooth operator: OH SHIT 

 

sharl: THAT MOTHERFU-

Chapter 75: the brocedes equivalent of a sweet moment

ham: hang on

 

ham: is no one gonna mention how jenson managed to change his own display name?

 

britney: oh wait yeah

 

britney: does he have magic powers or something?

 

ham: idk but nico let's test this

 

ham: change my name to something and i'll try to change it back

 

britney changed ham's display name to dickhead

 

dickhead: oh the flashbacks

 

dickhead: anyway 

 

dickhead: let me just try to change this back

 

dickhead:

 

dickhead: it won't work

 

dickhead: nico why won't it work

 

dickhead: nico?

 

dickhead: NICO?

 

britney: mwahahahahahhaa

 

britney: MWAHAHAHAHAHHA

 

dickhead changed britney's display name to shit teammate

 

dickhead: two can play at that game

 

shit teammate: you-

 

shit teammate: i hate you

 

dickhead: i hate you too <3

 

shit teammate:

 

dickhead:

 

shit teammate: why are we like this

 

dickhead: would you rather be all sweet like fernando and jenson

 

shit teammate: fuck no

 

dickhead: exactly <3

Chapter 76: the cat

yuki: jenson

 

yenson: yes?

 

yuki: there is a cat

 

yenson: ok?

 

yuki: its inside your house

 

yenson: huh

 

yuki: THERES A FUCKING CAT ON YOUR COUCH WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DO YOU WANT ME TO FUCKING SAY

 

yenson: CALM DOWN YUKI

 

maximus: who's cat is it

 

yuki: I DONT KNOW

 

maximus: 

 

maximus: IT BETTER NOT BE JIMMY

 

yuki: its not fucking jimmy

 

maximus: DONT TALK ABOUT JIMMY LIKE THAT

 

yuki: UR MUM

 

yuki: DEEZNUTS

 

jenson: yuki i'm on my way home now please just make sure the cat is okay until i get back

 

yuki: 

 

yuki: ok

 

yuki: what do cats like

 

mick: you could give it a fish

 

yuki: where am i going to get a fucking fish mick

 

mick: i don't know

 

mick: the freezer?

 

yuki:

 

yuki: there is a fish in the freezer

 

mick: give it to the cat then

 

yuki: i'm doing it mick you don't have to fucking tell me

 

yenson: yuki i'm not liking this bad language 

 

yuki: YOU'RE NOT MY REAL DAD

 

yuki: anyway

 

yuki: the cat has the fish

 

yuki:

 

mick:

 

maximus:

 

yenson:

 

yuki: it isn't eating the fish

 

formulino: its fucking raw

 

formulino: what do you want me to do

 

sharl: FORMULINO?

 

smooth operator: our old friend!

 

smooth operator: meow meow 

 

smooth operator: meow meow meow

 

maximus: carlos what the fuck are you doing

 

smooth operator: ITS CAT LANGUAGE MAX

 

seb: no no i remember from when we went to italy that the cat doesn't speak meow

 

yuki: he speaks woof

 

smooth operator: i don't recall

 

yuki: woof woof woof

 

formulino: woof

 

yuki: SEE

 

yuki: hey formulino

 

yuki: woof eat the fish

 

formulino: cronch 

 

yuki: SEE HE ATE IT

 

smooth operator: woof?

 

yuki:

 

yuki: no

 

yuki: you're not doing it right

 

yuki: you've got to say it like "woof"

 

smooth operator: that is what i said?

 

yuki: no you said it like "woof"

 

smooth operator: 

 

smooth operator: wof?

 

formulino: WOF

 

smooth operator: i think he understood me

 

yuki: no

 

yuki: he called you an idiot

 

smooth operator: oh

 

sharl: haha

 

sharl: cry about it

 

seb: charles that's mean

 

sharl: you're mean

 

yenson: i'm home now

 

yenson: yuki where's the cat

 

yuki: oh he went to tesco

 

formulino: no i fucking didn't

 

yuki: woof go to tesco 

 

formulino: omw 

 

yenson: oh

 

yenson: so i don't need to deal with a cat?

 

yuki: no

 

yenson: oh ok !

 

yenson: gonna go for a nap then

 

yenson muted this chat

 

yuki: FORMULINO

 

yuki: YOU ARE NOW MY NEW ROOMMATE

 

formulino: the fuck

 

yuki: we're gonna be best friends forever 

 

sharl: what about pierre

 

yuki:

 

yuki: shut the fuck up charles no one likes you

 

sharl: what

 

mick: HOW DOES IT FEEL

Chapter 77: the attorney

dannyric: fellas

 

dannyric: does anyone know where i can find a REALLY good attorney 

 

seb: d

 

seb: daniel

 

seb: i don't think i want to ask this but

 

seb: why do you need an attorney?

 

dannyric: no reason 

 

seb:

 

dannyric: CHARLES

 

dannyric: you probably have a good attorney

 

sharl: i do

 

dannyric: perfect can you tell them to give me a call?

 

sharl: sure!

 

seb: WHY DO YOU HAVE AN ATTORNEY?

 

nando: they must be helpful when you frequently accidentally steal cats sebastian 

 

gr63: or when you accidentally cause a 2 metre tall austrian to attempt to beat up the husband of a spice girl

 

ham: yeah that happens sometimes

 

britney: i kinda feel bad for geri

 

gr63: eh i don't

 

sharl: hey you know how the spice girls said "if you wanna be my lover you gotta get with my friends"

 

sharl: does that mean christian has got with every single one of geri's friends?

 

maximus: oh my god charles you did not just put that mental image in my mind

 

sharl: <3

 

ham: he did ride bottas on drive to survive tho

 

porridge:

 

ham: sorry 

 

porridge: apology not accepted

 

porridge: good night

 

gr63: bad night 

 

porridge: not bad night

 

seb: 

 

seb:

 

seb:

 

seb:

 

seb:

 

seb: VALTERRI YOU IDIOT

 

porridge: i just said the night was not bad

 

webman: NOT BAD FOR A NUMBER TWO DRIVER

 

seb: FUCK

Chapter 78: the keanu

seb: seriously though daniel 

 

seb: what's the attorney for

 

dannyric: suing mclaren

 

zak brown: say what now

 

dannyric: ZAKOHMYGODHEYIDIDNTEXPECTYOUTOMAGICYOURSELFINTOTHECHATRIGHTNOW

 

zak brown: 

 

zak brown: australians am i right?

 

zak brown: impossible to understand haha anyway

 

zak brown: what are you guys talking about?

 

dannyric: em er uh ur mum

 

zak brown: what?

 

dannyric: sorry i meant my cum

 

dannyric: SHIT I MEANT MY TUMultuous relationship with max, i mean, it's the 'will they or won't they' of the century am i right? hahahahhahahaha....ha

 

zak brown:

 

zak brown:

 

zak brown: yeah i think i'm gonna go

 

zak brown left the chat

 

maximus: daniel 

 

dannyric: ...yes sweetums?

 

maximus: did you just fucking tell zak that we're together 

 

dannyric:

 

dannyric: shit

 

maximus: WHAT THE FUCK DO WE DO NOW

 

dannyric: he is SO going to use this as blackmail

 

ham: pfft relax

 

britney: toto has SO much leverage over me and lewis and he hasn't done anything with it

 

nando: i know he makes you lie about liking his dramatic drive to survive lines

 

ham: fuck you fernando

 

yenson: HEY DONT FERNANDO HIM HAMILTON

 

britney: DONT HAMILTON HIM BUTTON

 

seb: s-

 

seb: sebastian?

 

bwoah: HEY DONT SEBASTIAN YOURSELF SEBASTIAN

 

seb: thank you kimi :)

 

bwoah: <3

 

dannyric: but like fr what do we do

 

britney: he probably thought you were joking

 

dannyric: wait

 

dannyric: i have an idea

 

dannyric added pastry to the chat

 

dannyric: heyyyy oscar

 

 pastry: i'm taking your seat next year

 

dannyric:

 

dannyric: what

 

pastry: zak just told me

 

maximus: well shit

 

pastry: he also said you and max were like a thing?

 

maximus: wELL SHIT

 

dannyric kicked pastry from the chat

 

dannyric: welp

 

dannyric: we're screwed

 

smooth operator: no you're fine

 

smooth operator: i will just get lando to silence him

 

dannyric: ...do i even wanna know

 

smooth operator: no he will just bribe him with the instructions to the secret haribo store that only me lando and keanu reeves know the direction to

 

ham: why keanu

 

smooth operator: DONT QUESTION KEANU

 

keanu: its okay

 

sharl: KEANU?

 

dannyric: ok im gonna go

 

maximus: me too

 

maximus: thanks carlos

 

dannyric: ty bro

 

smooth operator: no problem

 

smooth operator: now where was i

 

smooth operator: keanu! 

 

sharl: KEANU

 

keanu: i'm so sorry guys but i have to go because i'm super busy right now 

 

keanu: it was nice speaking with you all!

 

keanu left the chat

 

sharl: i am starstruck 

 

smooth operator: haha imagine not being friends with him

 

sharl: damn

 

sharl: maybe yuki was right

 

yuki: IM ALWAYS RIGHT

 

mick: YEAH CHARLES HES ALWAYS RIGHT

 

yuki: SHUT UP MICK

 

mick: sorry

 

yuki: good

 

sharl: :(

Chapter 79: the biscuits

gr63: anyone want a cuppa 

 

gr63: i've got rich tea biscuits 

 

yenson: oh my god rich tea biscuits are the love of my life

 

nando: i thought i was the love of your life

 

yenson: no 

 

yenson: it's rich tea biscuits 

 

yuki: the fuck is a rich tea biscuit

 

max: if someone says rich tea biscuit one more time i'm actually gonna explode

 

sharl: rich tea biscuit 

 

max: fuck you

 

max: kaboom

 

ham: oh hey look charles you can actually start winning races now

 

sharl:

 

sharl: YOU ARE ONE TO TALK

 

ham: shut it 

 

ham: also

 

ham: i would like a rich tea biscuit

 

gr63: here you go 

 

gr63: anyone else?

 

smooth operator: me

 

smooth operator: not FOR me

 

smooth operator: lando wants one

 

gr63: alright

 

gr63: so it's just the british drivers

 

yenson: it appears so

 

bwoah: GUYS

 

britney: oh fuck kimi is shouting

 

bwoah: do you hear that?

 

ham: hear what

 

britney:

 

seb:

 

yenson:

 

sharl:

 

gr63:

 

smooth operator:

 

yuki:

 

dannyric:

 

maximus:

 

mick:

 

porridge:

 

formulino: 

 

bwoah:

 

bwoah: fernando is crying

 

yenson: WHY IS HE CRYING

 

nando: you would choose a biscuit over me

 

yenson: I WAS JOKING

 

nando: WHERE YOU THOUGH.

 

yenson: YES????

 

yuki: why are you fighting

 

yuki: someone cover my ears 

 

formulino: on it

 

formulino: wait i'm a cat never mind

 

formulino: not on it 

 

mick: i'll do it

 

mick: there yuki's ears are covered

 

yenson: nando

 

yenson: just try a biscuit 

 

yenson: and you will understand

 

nando:

 

nando: fine

 

nando:

 

nando:

 

nando:

 

yenson: well?

 

nando: its pretty good 

 

yenson: see!

 

nando: yenson

 

nando: i'm leaving you for a biscuit 

 

yenson: wait what

 

nando: 

 

nando:

 

nando: 

 

nando:

 

nando: BAHAHAHAHA

 

nando: i would never do that

 

nando: these biscuits taste too british

 

britney: don't you literally-

 

britney: actually no i'm not gonna say that

 

 ham: yeah theres children here nico

 

britney: sorry sorry

 

gr63: SO ME AND VALTTERI DONT MATTER TO YOU??

 

ham: no

 

porridge: yes that was pretty clear already george

 

gr63: >:(

 

ham: >:)

 

nando: wait i just got the joke

 

nando: NICO YOU BITCH

 

ham: RUN NICO RUN

 

britney: IM GOING IM GOING

Chapter 80: the one direction

dannyric: i miss one direction 

 

sharl: same

 

maximus: same

 

dannyric: we should bring them back

 

britney: how the fuck are you just going to magically bring back one direction

 

dannyric: shut up nico just because you prefer britney spears

 

britney: MY HAIR WAS BLOND AND SLIGHTLY LONG THAT DOES NOT MAKE ME BRITNEY

 

ham: idk man

 

ham: you were pretty toxic

 

dannyric: with a taste of your lips i wanna ride

 

maximus: your toxic i'm slipping under 

 

ham: SEE

 

ham: maxiel get it

 

britney: oh so you're on board with the ship names now

 

ham: nah just maxiel

 

britney: so no brocedes?

 

ham: well it doesn't make sense

 

ham: you're not at mercedes anymore and when you were we definitely were not just bros

 

porridge: i can attest to this

 

seb: WE GET IT VALTTERI YOU USED TO WALK IN ON THEM FUCKING CAN WE MOVE ON FROM THIS JOKE NOW THIS IS CHAPTER FUCKING 80 AND WERE STILL MAKING JOKES ABOUT THIS

 

ham: SEB CALM DOWN

 

mick: chapter 80 of what?

 

britney: sounds like someone is jealous i cant lie 

 

seb: nico sewis isn't real we've been over this

 

britney: i disagree

 

seb:

 

seb: nico i am literally the "se" in "sewis" and you are trying to tell me i don't know what i am talking about

 

britney: WELL the "e" could actually be from lewis so

 

ham: yeah no fair point my e is cooler than yours seb

 

seb: HEY

 

seb: nothing is cooler than

 

ham:

 

britney:

 

ham:

 

seb:

 

ham: cooler than what?

 

seb: the iceman

 

bwoah: bwoah

 

dannyric: man i just got chills

 

ham: damn it is actually quite cold

 

yuki: its fucking freezing

 

yuki: buts its fine because the cold never bothered me anyway 

 

nando: ELSA??

 

yuki: THE SNOW GLOWS WHITE ON THE MOUNTAIN TONIGHT

 

nando: NOT A FOOTPRINT TO BE SEEN

 

yenson: okayyyyy i'm gonna take them away before this gets out of hand

 

sharl: but i like the disney singalongs

 

dannyric: charles ive heard you sing and please for the sake of everyone in this group chat do not sing any disney songs

 

sharl: YOU HAVE ONLY HEARD ME SING IN VEGAS

 

sharl: THAT IS NOT A TRUE REPRESENTATION OF MY SINGING VOICE

 

gr63: actually i have heard charles sing before i agree that he actually can sing

 

yuki: pierre always fucking talks about how fucking good charles' singing voice is.

 

sharl: HE DOES?????

 

sharl: MH HEART 

 

sharl: GISYYS MY HREART

 

maximus: is he having a heart attack

 

dannyric: yeah but the good kind

 

maximus: 

 

maximus: i don't think that there's a good kind of heart attack daniel

 

dannyric: 

 

dannyric: MOVING BACK TO THE ORIGINAL SUBJECT OF ONE DIRECTION

 

maximus: we were talking about one direction?

 

dannyric: yes that's just how easily distracted we are

 

dannyric: anyway

 

dannyric: i think i should be harry

 

gr63: well no we just established that charles can actually sing

 

dannyric: are you saying i can't?

 

gr63: 

 

gr63: well....

 

dannyric: max back me up here

 

maximus: ...

 

dannyric: OH FUCK YOU

 

britney: maxiel break up 2022

 

maximus: ok.

 

dannyric: fine with me.

 

britney: wait what

 

britney: did i just break up maxiel

 

nando: omg

 

nando: they really are just like one direction !!

 

maximus: fernando

 

dannyric: fuck you

 

nando: ok i should leave

 

nando: yukino let's go

 

yuki: aight

 

yenson: charles how does it feel to be a homewrecker

 

sharl: great

 

seb: *thumbs up*

 

britney: SHUT UP SEB YOU HOMEWRECKED ME AND LEWIS

 

seb: EXCUSE ME I THINK YOU HOMEWRECKED ME!!! AND LEWIS 

 

yenson: can we just talk about how me and nando have a healthy relationship throughout this entire group chat

 

ham: well

 

ham: define healthy relationship

 

britney: not speaking another language every time the person you are in love with breathes

 

ham: yeah

 

seb:

 

seb: *breathes?*

 

ham: sorry seb but nah

 

bwoah: hei

 

seb: KIMI?

 

seb: KIMI????

 

bwoah: se voi olla ystävä tavalla, jos haluat, en oikeastaan välitä

 

seb: NEIN AUF DIE ECHTE WEISE

 

bwoah: ok

 

seb: i love you

 

bwoah: bwoah

 

seb: <333

 

ham: ok what the fuck just happened

 

porridge: 

 

ham: VALTERRI WAIT IS THAT TEARS I HEAR

 

porridge: THAT WAS JUST SO BEAUTIFUL

 

porridge: olen pahoillani, mutta itken

 

bwoah: ok

 

seb: :)

 

bwoah: :)

 

dannyric: are we just gonna gloss over the fact that me and max just broke up

 

gr63: yes

 

dannyric: aight

 

dannyric: max i hate you

 

maximus: hate you too

 

dannyric: good

 

yenson: me and nando are still #1 couple goals

 

nando: sí

 

smooth operator: en realidad somos yo y lando

 

nando: POR LO QUE ES VERDAD

 

smooth operator: what no i didn't say anything

 

nando: ok ok i will believe you for now

 

smooth operator: *thumbs up*

 

seb: *thumbs up*

 

ham:

 

ham: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

Chapter 81: the brosredbull

yuki added checo to the chat

 

checo: hello

 

yenson: hey checo?

 

checo: charles.

 

sharl: ...yes?

 

checo: what the hell did you do?

 

sharl: oof

 

sharl: i don't know

 

sharl: many things?

 

seb: yeah sorry checo but you're gonna have to be more specific

 

seb: charles frequently does things that annoy people

 

seb: would you like to file a complaint?

 

checo: no

 

checo: i just want to know why max is so angry all of a sudden

 

ham: isn't he just like that

 

yenson: yeah that kind of just sounds like normal max

 

checo: he says it's something to do with daniel

 

yenson: OH

 

yenson: it must because charles made him and daniel break up

 

sharl: EXCUSE ME??

 

sharl: IN WHAT WORLD WAS THAT MY FAULT??!

 

sharl: TO QUOTE NICO FUCKING ROSBERG HIMSELF: "maxiel break up 2022"

 

checo: oh

 

checo: ok then

 

checo: nico

 

checo: fix max

 

britney: eh

 

britney: i can't really be bothered

 

ham: nico stop being a dick

 

britney: that's not what you were saying last night

 

ham: ALRIGHT MOVING ON

 

sharl: i love how ONE THING goes wrong and you all just assume it was my fault 

 

gr63: i MEAN it's not exactly an unfair assumption 

 

sharl: GIVE ME ONE EXAMPLE OF SOMETHING IVE DONE WRONG

 

gr63: you got scammed

 

sharl: that wasn't a scam

 

sharl: i am still waiting for robert pattinson to send me the details for when i am filming

 

gr63:

 

gr63: how the fuck how does pierre survive with you.

 

yuki: DID SOMEONE SAY PIERRE

 

nando: yuki remember what we talked about?

 

nando: be calm.

 

yuki: fuck being calm

 

yuki: あなたを決してあきらめない、決してあなたを失望させない

 

nando: deja de rickrolling a la gente en japonés

 

checo: espera, ¿ustedes hablan diferentes idiomas en este chat?

 

smooth operator: sí

 

smooth operator: en realidad es la razón por la que me agregaron a este chat

 

checo: to translate?

 

smooth operator: ja

 

seb: ja?

 

mick: ja.

 

britney: ragazzi lo sapevate che parlo italiano?

 

sharl: SI NICO SAPPIAMO CHE PARLI ITALIANO

 

sharl: WE ALSO KNOW THAT YOU ARE TRYING TO GET ME BLAMED FOR SOMETHING YOU DID

 

britney: 

 

britney: not important 

 

britney: i'm sure max and daniel will be back together in no time anyway

 

maximus: who is daniel?

 

dannyric: i have never heard of max.

 

britney: okay nevermind

 

yenson: oohh maybe they're gonna be brocedes 2.0

 

ham: brosredbull

 

yenson: ...no

 

britney: yeah that doesn't have a ring to it

 

yenson: let's just stick with maxiel

 

maximus: the fuck is a maxiel

 

dannyric: max is dead to me 

 

maximus: your career's dead to everyone

 

sharl: HUH

 

gr63: YOU DID NOT

 

mick: i think i should hide

 

yuki: MICK HIDE WITH ME OMG

 

dannyric: what the FUCK did you just say max?

 

maximus: nothing 

 

dannyric: 

 

dannyric: that's it

 

dannyric: i'm gonna tell them

 

maximus: NO WAIT

 

maximus: DONT

 

ham: tell us what?

 

maximus: NOTHING HES GOING TO TELL YOU NOTHING

 

dannyric: eh i have it as blackmail for when i need it

 

maximus: you BITCH

 

dannyric: you started this maxie

 

maximus:

 

dannyric: i mean um... max

 

maximus: that's better

 

maximus: ricciardo.

 

dannyric: FUCK YOU VERSTAPPEN

 

maximus: FUCK YOU RICCIARDO

 

yuki: im scared

 

mick: yuki why are you hugging me

 

yuki: IM SCARED

 

ham: im getting flashbacks

 

britney: too many flashbacks

 

ham: shit we have to stop history from repeating itself don't we nico

 

britney: i think we do

 

ham: ugh but i can't be bothered

 

britney: same but let's go

 

ham: ugh fine

 

ham: mission: save maxiel

 

ham: begin

 

 

Chapter 82: the ariana medium

ham: right

 

britney: right

 

ham: nico

 

ham: what went wrong in our relationship that we can stop from happening to maxiel

 

britney: becoming teammates.

 

ham: oh

 

ham: well

 

ham: they've already failed that one so

 

gr63: but i'm teammates with you lewis and i don't hate you 

 

ham: yeah but that sounds like more of a you problem ngl

 

gr63: what

 

ham: and valtteri's just chill

 

porridge: yuh

 

dannyric: OMG ARIANA GRANDE??/?:?;?

 

sharl: wait guys omg sorry to interrupt but i just got screamed at by this lady in starbucks

 

sharl: i was like "hi can i get a medium pumpkin spice latte please?"

 

sharl: actually wait

 

sharl: no i wasn't this story happened in monaco

 

sharl: i was like "salut, puis-je avoir un médium pumpkin spice latte, s'il vous plaît?"

 

sharl: AND THEN SHE JUST STARTED SCREAMING

 

dannyric: charles.

 

dannyric: REPEAT WHAT YOU ASKED FOR?

 

sharl: ...a medium pumpkin spice latte?

 

dannyric: A 

 

dannyric: FUCKING

 

dannyric: MEDIUM?

 

sharl: yeah?

 

dannyric: WOULD YOU CALL HER ARIANA MEDIUM?

 

dannyric: WOULD YOU CALL VALTTERI ARIANA MEDIUM.

 

maximus changed porridge's display name to ariana medium

 

ariana medium: you like my hair

 

ariana medium: gee thanks just bought it

 

dannyric: oh god that's horrible please change him back

 

maximus changed ariana medium's display name to porridge

 

dannyric: SEE

 

dannyric: THAT WAS HORRIFIC

 

sharl: OMG SORRY OK FINE

 

dannyric: anyway

 

ham: guys wait i have a plan 

 

ham: daniel pls stop fighting with max xoxo <33

 

dannyric: how about no

 

ham: oh damn

 

ham: it didn't work

 

britney: OI

 

britney: MAX

 

maximus: what the fuck do you want

 

britney: ...be nice to daniel?

 

maximus: no.

 

ham: haha nico get rekt

 

britney: YOU FAILED TOO

 

britney changed ham's display name to dickhead

 

dickhead: OH SO WE'RE GOING BACK TO THE OLD DAYS NOW?

 

dickhead: TWO CAN PLAY AT THAT GAME NICO

 

dickhead changed britney's display name to shit teammate

 

shit teammate: at least i'm your only teammate who's actually managed to beat you

 

yenson: EXCUSE ME

 

yenson: DID 2011 JUST NOT HAPPEN IN YOUR MIND?

 

shit teammate: no actually not that i recall

 

yenson: fuck you

 

nando: i mean technically i tied with him in 2007

 

britney: yeah but officially he placed higher than you so... sorry?

 

yenson: you better be fucking sorry BRITNEY

 

yuki: oh no

 

yuki: mick where are you

 

mick: here

 

yuki: WHERE THE FUCK IS HERE-

 

yuki: oh wait you're right behind me

 

yuki: ok im going to hide behind you now

 

mick: is jenson about to kill nico

 

yenson: yes

 

nando: no 

 

nando: violence is never the answer!!

 

yenson: wait really?

 

nando: lmao no deck him

 

yenson: LETS GO

 

shit teammate: SHIT FUCK FUCK SHIT LEWIS SAVE ME

 

dickhead: erm

 

dickhead: fuck it alright

 

dickhead: JENSON BUTTON IM COMING FOR YOU

 

yenson: ABABAHHAHSHWKDJQJJXHS

 

dickhead: AAAHHDHQBXJAJXJWJDJDHA

 

britney: AAAAHDHQIXJQJDJKWKAID

 

seb: hey guys me and kimi are here now 

 

seb: what did we miss?

 

mick: i think they're fighting about who beat lewis as teammates?

 

porridge: as long as i get the title of "most chill teammate" i'll be happy

 

kovalainen: im chill

 

dickhead: wait

 

dickhead: heikki 

 

dickhead: where did you come from

 

kovalainen: oh 

 

kovalainen: idk actually i just sensed that all your past teammates were having a discussion

 

kovalainen: i just wanted to say that george is the only one who hasn't won a race while being teammates with lewis

 

kovalainen: peace out 

 

error 404: kovalainen left the chat

 

gr63: what a dickhead honestly

 

dickhead: HEY

 

dickhead: don't slander him 

 

gr63: wait what

 

gr63: i mean um hey what a great guy honestly 

 

dickhead: 

 

dickhead: that's what i thought

 

gr63:

 

gr63:

 

gr63:

 

dickhead: george?

 

dickhead: you good there?

 

gr63: meep morp

 

seb: oh fuck

 

gr63: meep mooorrrrpppppppp

 

gr63: hey guys 

 

gr63: george is a simp for lewis 

 

seb: DONT SAY IT ALEX

 

seb: DONT SAY IT

 

gr63: oh don't worry i wasn't actually planning on it

 

gr63: i just wanted to watch this fight

 

gr63: i brought popcorn!

 

seb: oh

 

seb: cool

 

sharl: can i have some popcorn?

 

gr63: no

 

sharl: awh :(

 

gr63: haha cry about it bitch

 

seb: i'd like some popcorn alex

 

gr63: shore my guy

 

gr63: here you go

 

seb: thank you

 

seb: oh wait is this toffee popcorn?

 

gr63: yeah!

 

seb: woah i've never had this before but it's actually not bad!

 

gr63:

 

sharl: 

 

dickhead:

 

shit teammate:

 

yenson:

 

nando:

 

smooth operator:

 

yuki:

 

dannyric:

 

maximus:

 

porridge: 

 

mick:

 

checo:

 

formulino:

 

bwoah: sebastian.

 

seb: yes?

 

bwoah: reread that last message.

 

seb: huh i don't understand what you HOLY FUCK SHIT SHIT SHIT 

 

seb: EVERYONE RUN

 

seb: RUNNNNN

 

seb: *everyone runs*

 

dickhead: *i stand VERY FUCKING STILL.*

 

webman: not bad for a number 2 driver

 

seb: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

 

yenson: wait hang on lewis nico we're still supposed to be fighting right now

 

dickhead: oh yeah

 

shit teammate: AAAAAAAAAAAAA

 

dickhead: AAAAAAAAAAAAAA

 

yenson: AAAAAAAAAAAA

 

seb: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

 

dannyric: well maxy 

 

dannyric: high five

 

dannyric: we've done it

 

maximus: we have indeed

 

dannyric: caused complete and utter chaos purely by breaking up

 

maximus: legends

 

dannyric: indeed we are maximus

 

dannyric: indeed we are

 

dickhead: wait what

 

shit teammate: was that whole "maxiel break up 2022" thing fake?

 

maximus: yup and you all completely fell for it

 

dannyric: get absolutely rekt lads

 

sharl: wait

 

sharl: so i got accused for nothing?

 

dannyric: yup!

 

dannyric: anyway

 

dannyric: gotta run

 

dannyric: you coming maximus

 

maximus: yep let's go

 

dannyric: byeeeee

 

dickhead:

 

dickhead: what the fuck

 

mick: ...

 

mick: yuki you can stop hiding behind me now

 

yuki: oh ok

 

 

Chapter 83: the estie bestie

nando added estie bestie to the chat

 

estie bestie: woah hey guys what is this

 

mick: esteban !!

 

mick: hey !!

 

seb: oh no he's using exclamation marks that's not normal

 

seb: he texting with more emotion than a teaspoon for once

 

gr63: was that a harry potter reference

 

seb: yes

 

gr63: good one

 

estie bestie: this is cool but what exactly is this chat?

 

britney: it's a very long story

 

yuki: and it starts with charles STEALING pierre 

 

yuki: him CRUELLY RIPPING AWAY MY. PIERRE.

 

estie bestie: okayyy....

 

estie bestie: moving on

 

estie bestie: why have i been added?

 

nando: it is my parting gift as i leave alpine

 

nando: to allow you into this... erm...

 

ham: train wreck

 

nando: i as going to say wonderful group chat but that works too

 

estie bestie: oh cool !!

 

mick: hey esteban ??

 

estie bestie: hey mick!

 

mick: remember when we went to disneyland together?

 

estie bestie: of course

 

estie bestie: it was fun !

 

estie bestie: although... why wouldn't i remember? i mean, it happened like last week

 

mick: OH haha sorry

 

seb: 

 

seb: somethings not right here

 

seb: mick's cap locks button hasn't worked in years...

 

seb: which means the only reasonable explanation for this is...

 

seb: KIMI

 

seb: EMERGENCY ICE CREAM MEETING OUTSIDE ASTON MARTIN PRONTO

 

binotto: pronto?

 

seb: NO!

 

sharl: hmm wonder what they're gonna talk about

 

sharl: anyway

 

sharl: esteban!

 

sharl: my most favouritest friend

 

estie bestie: you hate me.

 

sharl: that is true i do hate you BUT

 

estie bestie: how's pierre doing

 

sharl: um

 

sharl: he's doing fine

 

yuki: he better fucking be doing fine if i hear one fucking word about you fucking mistreating him i swear to fucking god

 

dannyric: hey do you guys ever get the sense that yuki might like pierre?

 

estie bestie: pfft how could anyone like pierre

 

yuki: YOU TAKE THAT BACK LANKY BITCH

 

sharl: YEAH SHUT UP ABOUT MY BOYFRIEND

 

yuki: DONT CALL HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND

 

sharl: WEVE BEEN DATING FOR NEARLY 80 CHAPTERS YUKI ITS LITERALLY WHAT STARTED THIS ENTIRE GROUP CHAT

 

sharl: FIGHT ME

 

yuki: MICK IM SCARED

 

mick: but esteban !!

 

yuki: ok fine ignore me then :(

 

estie bestie: yeah ?

 

mick: oh no sorry i just like your name

 

estie bestie: oh

 

estie bestie: um

 

estie bestie: thanks, i guess !?

 

mick: your welcome !!

 

estie bestie: i'm gonna go now....

 

mick: oh ok :(

 

mick: bye esteban !!

 

estie bestie: bye mick...

 

mick: awh he's gone now

 

yuki: mick.

 

yuki: what the fuck was that.

 

mick: what?

 

seb: yuki shhhhhhhh

 

yuki: are you like in love with esteban or something

 

mick: WHAT HAHA NO OF COURSE NOT WHY WOULD I BE?

 

yuki: ....

 

seb: KIMI WHERE ARE YOU I SAID EMERGENCY MEETING

 

bwoah: bwoah i was getting ice cream

 

seb: oh

 

seb: thank you <3

 

bwoah: <3

 

seb: BUT PLEASE HURRY UP

 

bwoah: ALRIGHT I AM COMING

Chapter 84: the emergency meeting

seb: kimi this is BAD

 

seb: this is very very bad

 

bwoah: what is

 

seb: mick clearly likes esteban

 

bwoah: and?

 

seb: WE NEED TO DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT

 

bwoah: like what

 

seb: I DONT KNOW

 

seb: HELP HIM TELL HIM?

 

bwoah: that won't work

 

seb: why.

 

bwoah: i dont know 

 

bwoah: the short one likes him

 

seb: YUKI??

 

seb: no way

 

bwoah: i dont know its just an observation might not be right bwoah you know

 

seb: no 

 

seb: he definitely likes esteban

 

seb: but what do we do?

 

bwoah: nothing

 

seb: but that's boring

 

seb: and besides 

 

seb: we helped charles with pierre

 

seb: now we have to help mick.

 

bwoah: bwoah

 

seb: dont bwoah me in a time like this

 

yuki: hey guys you know you're having this conversation in the group chat we all use

 

dickhead: yeah aren't you like sat across from each other right now

 

sharl: they are i can see them outside 

 

shit teammate: hey lewis do you think we should change our names back now

 

dickhead: oh yeah

 

dickhead changed shit teammate's display name to britney

 

britney changed shit teammate's display name to ham

 

britney: if two cars came up at either side of you going into a corner would it be a ham sandwich?

 

ham: SHUT UP

 

estie bestie: hey guys

 

nando: hello esteban

 

nando: question

 

nando: what do you think a lion is?

 

estie bestie: ...a lion?

 

nando: WELL WHEN I SAID IN QATAR "TELL ESTEBAN TO DEFEND LIKE A LION" DID YOU JUST FORGET?

 

estie bestie: geez ok calm down

 

yenson: hey don't tell nando to calm down

 

estie bestie: what is he like your boyfriend or something 

 

yenson: YES

 

yuki: honestly esteban just shut up

 

bwoah: we should kick him

 

yuki: ON IT

 

yenson: no not in real life yuki

 

yuki: oh

 

yuki: i knew that

 

yenson: sure you did buddy :)

 

sharl: i am on board with kicking esteban

 

sharl: so is pierre 

 

estie bestie: tell pierre i said fuck you

 

sharl: he says that's my job now

 

sharl: WAIT

 

sharl: WHAT DOES HE MEAN BY "NOW"?

 

estie bestie: he hasn't told you?

 

estie bestie: we used to

 

estie bestie: yk

 

sharl: OMG WAHT WAIT NO WHAT EW WHAT

 

sharl kicked estie bestie from the chat

 

seb:

 

seb: charles?

 

seb: are you okay?

 

sharl: no

 

sharl left the chat

 

ham: oof 

 

yenson: at least he got rid of esteban though

 

dannyric: i kinda feel bad for the guy though

 

yenson: say "me" if you have beef with esteban 

 

nando: me

 

yuki: me

 

checo: me

 

maximus: ME

 

britney: me just for fun

 

dannyric: damn ok everyone hates him 

 

mick: who does everyone hate?

 

seb: NO ONE

 

mick: oh ok

 

seb: kimi should we check on charles?

 

bwoah: probably

 

seb:

 

bwoah:

 

seb: yeah let's go

Chapter 85: the revelation

seb added sharl to the chat

 

seb: ...charles?

 

sharl: go away

 

sharl left the chat

 

seb: oh come on

 

seb added sharl to the chat

 

seb: charles please don't leave again

 

seb: we just want to make sure you're okay

 

sharl: why the fuck would i be ok

 

sharl: i don't want to speak to you or pierre or anyone 

 

sharl left the chat

 

seb: kimi help

 

bwoah: bwoah

 

seb: those are some really wise words kimi but i'm gonna need something more helpful right now

 

mick: hey guys?

 

mick: what did i miss?

 

mick: why is esteban gone ??!!???

 

yuki: charles kicked him

 

mick: WHY

 

yuki: ok first of all calm down

 

yuki: i think esteban said something about how he and pierre used to fuck

 

yenson: what did i say about that language young man

 

yuki: I AM 22

 

yenson: EXACTLY 

 

mick: but yuki

 

mick: that was like 5 years ago

 

yuki: what

 

mick: yeah no esteban told me while we were at disneyland 

 

mick: he was like "yeah me and pierre used to fuck but that was like 5 years ago"

 

seb: oh

 

ham: damn

 

seb: mick, are you sure you can trust him though?

 

mick: yeah i'm 100% sure

 

mick: i don't know why so many of you guys hate him he's actually really nice

 

maximus: brazil 2018.

 

mick: that was 4 years ago though 

 

checo: what about when i had to be teammates with him for the entire 2017 season?

 

mick: that was FIVE years ago !

 

mick: you guys are all very bad at getting over things that happened a long time ago

 

ham: tell me about it

 

britney: fuck you

 

ham: I WISH YOU HADNT

 

britney: lmao lies

 

ham: yeah no actually it is lies

 

ham: luv u

 

britney: <3

 

ham: ew

 

dannyric: what the fuck just happened 

 

porridge: i am very concerned 

 

porridge: george i have the bleach if you need it

 

gr63: no i think they're actually being genuinely sweet right now

 

gr63: it's...

 

gr63: concerning

 

gr63: wait no

 

gr63; valtteri get the bleach GET THE BLEACH

 

porridge: IM ON MY WAY IM ON MY WAY

 

dannyric: moving on...

 

nando: carlos hasn't said anything on this chat for a while now

 

nando: i wonder if he is still alive

 

smooth operator: what

 

smooth operator: meow meow meow

 

formulino: woof

 

smooth operator: woof woof

 

yuki: woof woof FUCKING woof

 

formulino: woof bitch

 

smooth operator: meow charles is crying in the cafeteria meow

 

seb: WHAT

 

seb: kimi we have to go

 

bwoah: mwoah 

 

seb: THIS IS NOT THE TIME FOR A MWOAH

 

bwoah: fine then bwoah

 

mick: i'm gonna go find esteban.

 

mick: you guys are all being mean

 

yuki added estie bestie to the chat

 

yuki: look wow i found him

 

mick: hey esteban !!

 

estie bestie: hey mick

 

estie bestie: is charles here?

 

estie bestie: i just wanted to say i'm sorry

 

estie bestie: also sorry about brazil max

 

maximus: fuck off

 

dannyric: it was funny when he pushed you though esteban

 

estie bestie: i'd like to say right now that me and daniel's time as teammates can be summed up as him showing me the clip of max pushing me after brazil 2018 every single day without fail.

 

dannyric: IT WAS FUNNY

 

maximus: it wasn't funny 

 

maximus: i had to do community service for that

 

dannyric: that was even funnier icl

 

maximus: >:(

 

dannyric: >:)

 

seb: guys i can't find charles

 

seb: GUYS WHERE THE FUCK IS CHARLES

 

sharl: calm down i am right here

 

seb: oh ok

 

seb: wait what the fuck

 

sharl: magic

 

nando: i feel like he has done this before

 

yenson: yeah in like chapter 2 right before you changed my display name to yenson

 

nando: "jb" era demasiado básico 

 

yenson: <3

 

sharl: maybe i should break up with pierre

 

seb: what

 

ham: what

 

britney: what

 

nando: what

 

yenson: what

 

smooth operator: what

 

gr63: what

 

yuki: what

 

dannyric: what

 

maximus: what

 

porridge: what

 

mick: what

 

checo: what

 

estie bestie: what

 

bwoah: what

 

formulino: what

 

sharl: yeah i just can't believe he wouldn't tell me about that

 

estie bestie: it was a long time ago charles

 

estie bestie: besides i thought you knew already

 

estie bestie: you were kind of like... friends with us at the time

 

sharl: YEAH BUT I THOUGHT YOU GUYS JUST SHARED HOTEL ROOMS ALL THE TIME BECAUSE YOU WERE GOOD FRIENDS

 

yuki: YEAH LIKE HOW YOU AND PIERRE ARE "GOOD FRIENDS" RIGHT NOW?

 

sharl: touché.

 

sharl: so i am the idiot here is that what we are saying

 

yuki: yeah pretty much

 

gr63: makes sense

 

maximus: wouldn't be unusual 

 

sharl: CAN I CATCH A FUCKING BREAK

 

smooth operator: no

 

sharl: so what do i do now

 

sharl: because i sort of told pierre that i hate him

 

seb: charles what the fuck

 

sharl: I GET DRAMATIC OK YOU KNOW ME

 

bwoah: homicide

 

sharl: what

 

bwoah: i meant home is i'd

 

sharl: again

 

sharl: what

 

bwoah: i dont know just go talk to him or something i need a drink

 

dannyric: we have mojitos at mclaren

 

yenson: THE mojitos?

 

dannyric: yes we do indeed have THE mojitos jenson button

 

nando: yenson*

 

yenson: i'm coming to get some

 

smooth operator: me too

 

gr63: me three because why not

 

maximus: me four

 

sharl: wait i have an idea

 

sharl: i will ask him to meet me at the place where i first told him that i like him

 

sharl: and apologise

 

sharl: that sounds romantic right?

 

bwoah: bwoah very romantic

 

sharl: thank you kimi

 

seb: maybe you should bring esteban?

 

sharl: ew why

 

estie bestie: ew why

 

seb: just to clear things up between the three of you?

 

seb: you know, get rid of any bad tension still hanging around?

 

estie bestie: oh no sorry seb but me and pierre aren't gonna be anything but enemies no matter what happens

 

seb: ok? 

 

seb: would you mind if i asked what caused you two to break up in the first place? as in, what happened that made you two hate each other quite so much?

 

estie bestie: oh

 

estie bestie: um

 

estie bestie: i don't think i should say

 

sharl: why

 

estie bestie: ...it might make things worse

 

sharl: come on

 

sharl: say it

 

yenson: yaaerh estieben tel him!/!!/!!/

 

smooth operator: yoU can do it estebsna!!

 

maximus: i believe in you estebanana!/!/ im still mad abuot brazill thoughhhhhhhhhhh

 

dannyric: ok the mojitos are working a bit too well 

 

gr63: it's fineneneeee danniel kvyatricciarodo or whoever you arreeree

 

yenson: estbana just teLl him

 

estie bestie: um...

 

estie bestie: ok

 

estie bestie: here goes nothing i guess

 

estie bestie: pierre liked you, charles. he liked you back then.

 

sharl: wait what?

 

seb: what?

 

ham: what?

 

britney: what?

 

nando: what?

 

yenson: wahttttstst??

 

smooth operator: whattt??/!:!;!;???!!

 

gr63: wHat?/!!

 

yuki: what?

 

dannyric: what?

 

maximus: whatttomg!!??/

 

porridge: what?

 

mick: what?

 

checo: what?

 

bwoah: what?

 

formulino: what?

 

sharl: he liked me??

 

sharl: back then??

 

estie bestie: yeah...

 

estie bestie: but he thought you wouldn't like him so he sort of stayed with me out of spite

 

sharl: oh my god

 

sharl: i can't believe he'd do that to you

 

sharl: i mean i am screaming internally about the fact that he liked me way back then because omg i had such a crush on him for so long and it was RECIPROCATED ALL ALONG THATS SO CUTE??

 

sharl: but yeah um totally terrible that he'd do that to you

 

sharl: SO mean

 

estie bestie:

 

estie bestie: you don't care do you

 

sharl: no to be honest i am just so happy to find out that he liked me way back then

 

estie bestie: sigh

 

ham: did you just type sigh like the action but without the asterisks?

 

estie bestie: mhm?

 

ham: respectful action description 

 

ham: interesting.

 

sharl: ok guys im gonna leave and go find pierre

 

sharl: i will report back when i have made sure we are ok

 

sharl: i can't lose him

 

seb: good luck charles

 

sharl: thank you seb

 

seb: *thumbs up*

 

ham: 

 

ham:

 

ham:

 

ham: no. 

 

ham: i'm gonna be chill.

 

estie bestie: i'm quite confused

 

britney: dw you'll get used to it

Chapter 86: the piarles

sharl: piarles is okay

 

sharl: piarles is still going strong

 

ham: piarles sounds like a type of crystal 

 

sharl: awww because pierre is like a crystal

 

estie bestie: and it's crystal clear that i want to throw up right now

 

sharl: omg esteban go away

 

mick: hey charles that's not nice

 

sharl: ur career prospects arent nice 

 

yuki: PIERRES CAREER PROSPECTS ARENT NICE.

 

sharl: what?

 

yuki: ALPINE?

 

sharl: wdym

 

estie bestie: charles where have you been for the past 2 weeks

 

sharl: singapore and japan

 

estie bestie:

 

estie bestie: i mean same but

 

yuki: AND HE HAD TO DO IT AT JAPAN TOO.

 

yuki: WE DID KARAOKE AND EVERYTHING.

 

yuki: AND THEN HE HAD TO RIP MY FUCKING HEART OUT.

 

yenson: yuki calm down 

 

yenson: we've all had to deal with teammate break ups in the past 

 

yenson: you'll get over it 

 

yuki: HOW THE FUCK WILL I GET OVER THIS?

 

dannyric: i mean yeah you are somewhat vertically challenged idk how you're getting over anything 

 

yuki: SHUT UP

 

nando: you know yuki

 

nando: it was six years after me and yenson stopped being teammates that i finally admitted my feelings to him

 

bwoah: but you admitted them in spanish about 20 times before that 

 

nando: be quiet kimi

 

seb: DONT YOU DARE TELL HIM TO BE QUIET

 

nando: HES ALWAYS QUIET 

 

bwoah: bwoah

 

seb: SEE? HE SAYS INSPIRING THINGS ALL THE TIME.

 

bwoah: thank you sebastian 

 

seb: <3

 

ham: damn all nico says is total bullshit

 

britney: total bullshit?

 

ham: SEE

 

sharl: i'm just gonna go back to my piarles crystals

 

yuki: GOOD.

 

sharl: 

 

sharl: bye

Chapter 87: the crystals

seb: speaking of crystals 

 

seb: charles

 

seb: i was in your room last night

 

sharl: what

 

ham: that's not creepy at all

 

britney: i mean it wasn't creepy when you were in my room last night

 

ham:

 

ham:

 

ham:

 

dannyric: SEB WAS IN NICOS BEDROOM???

 

britney: WHAT 

 

britney: NO

 

yenson: THE PLOT THICKENS

 

dannyric: THE SIMI SEWIS BROCEDES LOVE TRIANGLE HAS A FOURTH SHIP?

 

maximus: what would it even be called

 

dannyric: sico 

 

maximus: hmm

 

britney: GUYS I WASNT IN SEBS BEDROOM

 

yenson: no no nico no one's implying that

 

nando: we think sebastian was in YOUR room 

 

britney: NO???

 

gr63: who's room was he in again?

 

smooth operator: ur mums 

 

gr63: no way has carlos started making your mum jokes

 

yuki: shut up he's better at jokes that you are GEORGE

 

dannyric: can we collectively agree to start calling george jorge 

 

maximus: like horhey?

 

dannyric: whore hey

 

smooth operator: i like that

 

dannyric changed gr63's display name to jorge  

 

jorge: shush i am hoe for alex albon and alex albon only

 

jorge: albono here, shut up george you simp for lewis too

 

jorge: STOP TAKING MY PHONE ALEX

 

jorge: no <3

 

seb: guys.

 

seb: can i get back to my story?

 

britney: NOT IF ITS ABOUT BEING IN MY BEDROOM

 

dannyric: i'm still convinced sico is a thing now

 

ham: that would be like double betrayal on my part

 

maximus: yeah that would be pretty funny for you lmao xd get rekt

 

ham: shut up maxipad

 

maximus: i would be honoured to be a period product.

 

gr63: prince charles??

 

smooth operator: isn't he the king now

 

gr63: oh yeah

 

ham: how could you get that wrong george i thought you were #1 fan of the royal family

 

gr63: omg sorry ok

 

gr63: but he DID say he wants to be a tampon

 

dannyric: WHEN??

 

gr63: go look it up

 

dannyric: damn

 

seb: ANYWAY MY STORY

 

seb: i went into charles's bedroom

 

sharl: why were you in my bedroom

 

britney: well well well look who finally shows up

 

britney: could've done with you being here about 3 minutes earlier charles

 

britney: then i could have avoided a WHOLE situation 

 

ham: to be fair it was you who made the joke about me being in your bedroom in the first place 

 

britney: shut up

 

ham: that's not what you were saying when i was in your bedroom 

 

dannyric: you like it loud nico?

 

porridge: VERY LOUD. IM GETTING FLASHBACKS.

 

gr63: ME TOO SO PLEASE MOVE ON

 

seb: yes, and let me finally finish my story!

 

sharl: yeah please go on because i am actually quite scared right now

 

seb: okay so

 

seb: i was in charles's bedroom

 

sharl: we've established this

 

seb: and i found these crystals!

 

seb: i was like... why would you need crystals?

 

seb: so i looked it up and apparently they are supposed to heal you?

 

sharl: OHH my crystals!

 

ham: don't tell me you believe in that shit

 

sharl: i do and i will stand by it!

 

ham: y tho

 

sharl: i brought my favourite crystals to bahrain, australia, and austria and i won all of those races!

 

ham: yeah but did you bring them to the other races as well

 

sharl:

 

sharl: well yes but

 

ham: see? 

 

ham: they're not magic you're just using flawed logic

 

yenson: this is like day 1 of philosophy class come on charles

 

sharl: YOU THINK I TOOK PHILOSOPHY CLASS?

 

britney: why does it make so much sense that jenson learned philosophy

 

yenson: didn't you learn philosophy too though nico

 

britney: yeah but that's because it's like mandatory in monaco private schools

 

ham: stop flexing that u grew up rich

 

britney: no <3

 

jorge: how come charles didn't learn it then

 

sharl: i dropped out of school in like third grade come on george 

 

gr63: understandable, have a nice day

 

seb: GUYS

 

seb: all i wanted to know was what the crystals were for, and now i know so we can end this conversation here.

 

yenson: awh

 

yenson: but i wanted to debate philosophy 

 

ham: LAST TIME I CHECKED YOU ARE THE PERSON THAT GOT BLACK-OUT DRUNK AND TRIED TO INHALE A SPINNY CHAIR BECAUSE IT WAS "SPEAKING VIBES". WHY ARE YOU TRYING TO DEBATE PHILOSOPHY JENSON.

 

yenson:

 

yenson: for the vibe?

 

ham: WHAT??

 

nando: the vibes lewis!

 

nando: come on now

 

yuki: jenson that sounds fun though 

 

yuki: should i follow in your footsteps

 

yenson: OH SHIT NO NO YUKI PLEASE DONT

 

yenson: TELL ME YOURE NOT GOING TO DO THAT

 

yuki: eh

 

yuki: prolly not

 

yenson:

 

yenson: nando what have i done

 

nando: hahahahhahahahahahhaahhahaha

 

yenson: shit

Chapter 88: the drunk yuki

yuki: blhehlo 

 

yuki: FUCK pierre

 

yuki: i HATE pierre.

 

yenson: oh god so it's BAD

 

dannyric: alright fellas

 

dannyric: which one of you fuckers kidnapped yuki and replaced him with this guy?

 

smooth operator: this is alarming

 

yuki: boehehehehhehehehehhehehehehehehehhee

 

yuki: where is mick

 

mick: here

 

yuki: blehehhehehehehhehe

 

mick: oh no

 

mick: yuki is here

 

yenson: oh god oh fuck oh shit is he okay?

 

mick: yeah just really really drunk

 

yuki: dO YOU haVe a spinny chair?

 

yuki: i would like to inNHAale.

 

yenson: no yuki you can't inhale spinny chairs

 

yenson: i had to learn that one the hard way...

 

yenson:

 

yenson:

 

yenson:

 

ham: is he crying?

 

nando: yes he's still very sad about that spinny chair incident 

 

ham: it was 10 years ago tho

 

nando: i don't know

 

seb: his pre-fernando mclaren days were a wild time 

 

nando: i am yenson's best teammate

 

checo: :(

 

kmag: :(

 

dannyric: omg hey kevin

 

dannyric: how are things with nico?

 

britney: who me?

 

dannyric: no hulkenberg you idiot 

 

kmag: yeah things are going great

 

mick: wait doesn't guenther want to replace me with hulkenberg next year?

 

kmag: oh come on mick that's just rumours hahahahahahhahahahahahahahhaha

 

mick:

 

mick: i feel like you had a part in this

 

kmag: WHAT?? lmao

 

kmag: anyway gotta mchonda engine

 

error code 404: kmag left the chat

 

nando: FUCKING MCHONDA

 

mick: i'm scared

 

yuki: itS okAy mIck i Am HEre

 

yuki: *huGs*

 

mick: oh

 

mick: thank you for the hug yuki

 

yuki: youre welcomeeewrwrewee

 

estie bestie: are you okay with yuki mick?

 

estie bestie: do you want me to come over?

 

mick: oh um

 

yuki: i liKkee eStebanN becUse hE hAtes Pierre jUsT lIkE me

 

yuki: i HATE pirouette 

 

sharl: who is pirouette 

 

yuki: ur mum

 

sharl: i should have seen that one coming sorry guys

 

estie bestie: mick?

 

mick: what?

 

mick: i mean um

 

ham: how tf do you keep saying "um" over text

 

seb: *shrugs*

 

ham:

 

ham: i wouldn't even be mad if sico was real at this point

 

yuki: miCk

 

yuki: dO youU have any fish

 

formulino: woof

 

yuki: no formulino shut up

 

estie bestie: i have fish that i could bring to you?

 

mick: you know what esteban it's okay!!

 

mick: thank you for offering though!!

 

estie bestie: oh okay

 

estie bestie: call me if you need anything though

 

mick: yeah i will do!! :)

 

estie bestie: :)

 

seb: kimi

 

seb: kimi where are you

 

bwoah: bwoah

 

seb: i think you were right

 

bwoah: about what

 

seb: THIS situation 

 

bwoah: oh ok

 

mick: what situation?

 

seb: nothing mick you're too young to understand

 

yuki: where iS jEnson and FernandnO 

 

nando: we are here yuki

 

mick: you're at my house?

 

yenson: yes. please let us in.

 

mick: oh um okay

 

yenson: come on yuki let's go home

 

yuki: i doNt weAnt tO leAVe micks hOuse thoughfhhhghhgh

 

yuki: because PIERre never took me tooo his hoUse you know?/??/

 

yuki: bwoahut iM in micks house!!

 

yenson: no yuki we have to go

 

yuki: oh okay

 

nando: yuki y mick son una pareja tan inesperada

 

smooth operator: espera son pareja?

 

nando: no, no lo creo anyway

 

smooth operator: realmente no lo entiendo para ser honesto

 

smooth operator: creo que cuando yuki deje de estar borracho, seguirá enamorado de pierre.

 

nando: tendremos que esperar y ver

 

smooth operator: sí

 

yuki: 私がスペイン語を話せることを知っていますよね？

 

maximus: それは知っていたけど

 

yuki: はい、でもそれは私があなたに日本語を教えたからです

 

maximus: oh yeah

 

yuki: heYyyy fErnando i will NOT still be in love with pierre

 

nando: wait how did you understand that

 

yuki: eres un idiota

 

nando: wait what

 

yuki: what

 

yuki: pretend i said nothing

 

yuki: iMm dRunk hAhaHahahahAhaha!/!:

 

yenson: yeah i'm gonna get him a glass of water

 

yuki: WAIT

 

yuki: but i havent inhaled a spinny chaor yet 

 

yenson: WE'VE ESTABLISHED THAT THAT DOESNT WORK YUKI. STOP BRINGING IT UP.

 

nando: yenson is crying again

 

yuki: sorrywewe 

 

mick: can you all please leave my house now

 

seb: i'll come fight them away

 

mick: how will you get in though

 

seb: with my key

 

mick: oh yeah i forgot i gave you one

 

sharl: last time i gave someone called seb the key to my house he went in my bedroom at 3am to look at my crystals 

 

seb: that was ONE time charles

 

sharl: i have multiple times come home to you making tea in my kitchen

 

seb: ok SORRY that i like to check in sometimes!

 

sharl: ugh moving on

 

sharl: is yuki still drunk

 

yuki: no

 

sharl: good

 

mick: can i go to sleep now

 

seb: yes mick

 

seb: go to sleep

 

mick:

 

mick: ...and you're not going to sneak into my room at 3am?

 

seb: WHAT hahaha of course not!!

 

mick: im scared

 

seb: don't be :)

 

mick:

 

mick:

 

mick: yeah no im just not gonna sleep

 

seb: *sighs*

 

ham: AHSHHDHFJWKXHAJFHWK

Chapter 89: the emo charles

smooth operator: guys

 

smooth operator: since when was charles emo

 

seb: what?

 

seb: what do you mean?

 

sharl: life is meaningless

 

sharl: this groupchat is nothing but a random f1 fan's existential crises put into writing and uploaded to ao3

 

seb: what?

 

sharl: i mean um *cough cough* I AM IN DESPAIR

 

sharl: i am going to die alone

 

smooth operator: do you understand what i mean now seb

 

seb: yeah

 

seb: oh my

 

seb: what do we do

 

dannyric: max had an emo phase back in 2016

 

smooth operator: yup i was there for that too

 

gr63: remember lando had that one week in 2020 where he was like super emo

 

smooth operator: oh yeah

 

smooth operator: i was there for that one too

 

dannyric: didn't danny kvyat have an emo phase at one point?

 

torpedo: ITS NOT A PHASE MOM

 

dannyric: geez alright okay

 

smooth operator: i was there when daniil was emo too?

 

dannyric: hulkenberg was emo once too 

 

gr63: ...when

 

dannyric: in like 2018 maybe?

 

gr63: is it something about carlos that just makes all of his teammates emo?

 

maximus: i mean to be fair my emo phase did end as soon as i went to red bull

 

smooth operator: that's cause you had a crush on daniel shut up

 

maximus: im saying nothing

 

gr63: wasn't lando's emo phase BECAUSE carlos was leaving though?

 

maximus: oh yeah

 

maximus: that was cruel of them announcing it before the season even started though

 

seb: HOW DO YOU THINK I FELT???

 

smooth operator: sad that you couldn't keep sBinning?

 

sharl: AY CARLOS

 

sharl: SHUT UP ABOUT SEB

 

smooth operator: ay ay okay i thought you were emo now though

 

sharl: i am

 

sharl: i'm going to dye my hair black and get bangs 

 

sharl: do you think mattia would consider changing ferrari's colours from red to black?

 

gr63: come on now don't be plagiarising merc

 

ham: i thought we were the silver arrows

 

britney: i thought WE were the silver arrows lewis

 

ham:

 

ham: nah that was kinda me and valtteri

 

britney: NO IT LITERALLY WASNT???

 

porridge: that's like saying i'm THE flying fin

 

bwoah: you're not

 

hakkinen: he's not

 

ham: omg hey mika

 

hakkinen: peace out

 

error 404: hakkinen left the chat

 

gr63: i thought valtteri was a flying fin though?

 

bwoah: none of us can actually fly russell so it doesnt really matter now does it so please be quiet i am trying to sleep 

 

ham: yeah george shut up

 

gr63: oh um sorry lewis yeah i'll be quiet now

 

albono: SIMPPPPPP

 

gr63: SHHSHSHSHSH

 

albono: it's fine we all simp for lewis george don't be ashamed

 

britney: excuse me?

 

ham: i'm just marvelling at the fact that alex is literally george's boyfriend yet more determined than anyone to prove he likes me

 

albono: what can i say

 

albono: i'm an f1 driver by trade, matchmaker by blood

 

gr63: literally who else have you set up 

 

albono: me and you?

 

gr63: i think that was lando thank you very much

 

albono: YEAH BUT HE DID THAT BY ACCIDENT

 

dannyric: care to actually share this story?

 

gr63:

 

albono: 

 

error code 404: albono left the chat

 

nando: why is there always an error

 

nando: yenson you are smart

 

nando: explain

 

ham: in what world is jenson smart

 

yenson: every world i'm also fabulous in

 

yenson: which is EVERY world btw

 

ham: 

 

ham: if you say so

 

britney: as many worlds as me and lewis don't hate each other

 

yenson: 

 

yenson: eh i'll take that

 

yenson: you two clearly don't hate each other ALL the time which means i am at least both fabulous and smart at the same time in at least a few worlds

 

nando: congratulations 

 

nando: but can you please explain now

 

yenson:

 

yenson: yeah no i actually have no clue

 

yenson: seb?

 

seb: WHAT HAHA WHAT??? WHY WOULD I KNOW ANY MORE THAN YOU DO HAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHHA

 

yenson: huh?

 

yenson: i just meant that you are actually unironically smarter than me so i thought maybe you would know

 

seb: NO HAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHA WHAT LMAO HAHAHAHAHHAHAHHA IS THAT GLOCK??? NOT BAD FOR A NUMBER TWO DRIVER??? HAHAHAHHA

 

sharl: seb

 

sharl: i can't really see through my emo bangs but i think you just summoned mark webber 

 

seb: what?

 

sharl: ugh the world is meaningless why am i alive

 

sharl: what is the opposite of "not good"?

 

seb: not bad?

 

webman: NOT BAD FOR A NUMBER 2 DRIVER

 

seb: NO

Chapter 90: the simi (pt. 4)

seb: i'm becoming emo like charles now

 

ham: why

 

seb: fucking mark webber

 

nando: omg sebastian swore

 

seb: shut up FERNANDO

 

britney: seb why do you want to fuck mark webber

 

seb: WHAT

 

ham: WHAT

 

bwoah: what

 

nando: hahahahahhaha good luck with this one 

 

seb: fuck you fernando 

 

yenson: hey

 

yenson: that's my job

 

ham: do you hear that? it's me being sick

 

britney: you mean suck**

 

ham: what?

 

britney: sucking my balls

 

ham: nico please just be quiet oh my god

 

bwoah: i'm in love with an emo girl 

 

bwoah: i fell in love with an emo girl

 

bwoah: all i want is an emo girl

 

ham: kimi's got the bangers???

 

bwoah:

 

seb:

 

seb: YOURE IN LOVE WITH ME????

 

bwoah: what

 

seb: IM AN EMO GIRL

 

bwoah: i'm in love with an emo girl

 

seb: AAAAAAHWHSJDHWHXHWJ

 

sharl: ITS HAPPENING

 

sharl: ITS FINALLY HAPPENING 

 

ham: what is?

 

sharl: MY PARENTS ARE GETTING MARRIED

 

seb: woah woah slow down who said anything about marriage

 

bwoah: sebastian 

 

bwoah: will you marry me

 

seb: wait what

 

sharl: what

 

ham: what

 

nando: what

 

britney: what

 

yenson: what 

 

gr63: what

 

smooth operator: what

 

yuki: what

 

dannyric: what 

 

maximus: what

 

mick: what

 

porridge: what

 

checo: what

 

estie bestie: what

 

formulino: what

 

bwoah: well

 

bwoah: are you going to answer or not

 

seb: IM JUST WAIT WHAT ARE YOU SERIOUS

 

bwoah: why would i not be

 

seb: OH MY GOD

 

nando: please just answer the question sebastian we done have all day

 

seb: YES??

 

seb: ALWAYS YES

 

bwoah: yay

 

seb: did we just get engaged

 

bwoah: yes

 

seb: oh my god

 

bwoah: would you like some ice cream

 

seb: don't tell me it's friend ice cream

 

bwoah: bwoah

 

seb: you know what

 

seb: okay

 

seb: <3

 

bwoah: <3

 

yuki: how the FUCK are SEB AND KIMI getting married before jenson and fernando?

 

nando: q-que

 

nando: por que me casaria con jensen jajajajajajajaja

 

ham: here we go again

 

britney: Wussten Sie, dass ich fünf Sprachen spreche?

 

seb: JA NICO WIR WISSEN DAS ALLE

 

britney: oh :(

 

seb: shut up

 

seb: i'm not emo anymore brw

 

sharl: :(

 

seb: sorry charles

 

sharl: can i still be emo at your wedding

 

seb: um

 

seb: sure....

 

sharl: good

 

seb: 

 

seb: it's gotta just be a phase right?

 

dannyric: not until he stops being teammates with carlos apparently 

 

smooth operator: ITS NOT MY FAULT THAT ALL MY TEAMMATES ARE KINDA EMO

 

maximus: kinda is though

 

smooth operator: maybe i should just be emo then

 

maximus: yeah

 

smooth operator: yeah

 

maximus: yeah

 

bwoah: bwoah

 

seb: <3

Chapter 91: the itinerary

sharl: so when actually is seb and kimi's wedding

 

seb: come on charles

 

seb: it's a little quick to have a date set already 

 

seb: we'll need to hire a wedding planner first

 

gr63: I'LL DO IT.

 

gr63: I ALREADY HAVE AN ITINERARY SET UP. 

 

gr63: I CAN PRESENT IT TO YOU IN POWERPOINT FORM

 

ham: ...you've already made a powerpoint?

 

gr63: well um yeah i mean um

 

gr63: it's what i do

 

ham: i know george 

 

ham: toto showed me your presentation to get into mercedes

 

gr63: well

 

gr63: it worked didn't it

 

porridge: YES GEORGE WE GET IT 

 

porridge: IT FUCKING WORKED

 

porridge: PLEASE MOVE ON

 

gr63: okay so um seb i have made a powerpoint presentation 

 

gr63: it's 3469 slides long

 

sharl: WHAT THE FUCK

 

sharl: it's almost like you want them to get married even more than me

 

gr63: no

 

gr63: it's because i like making powerpoints

 

albono: *COUGH COUGH* it's because he simps for lewis

 

gr63: alex?

 

albono: huh what oh i mean uh i said nothing haha lmao not what? not bad for a number two driver!!1!1!XD pro games goodbye

 

error code 404: albono left the chat

 

mick: did i just witness a mental breakdown 

 

yuki: yes

 

mick: oh

 

yuki: BUT NOT AS BIG OF A MENTAL BREAKDOWN AS I HAD WHEN PIERRE FUCKING KISSED CHARLES RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME AND I WAS RIGHR FUCKING THERE AND HEH JSJSYT TIRNEF TO CHALFED AND AHDHHSHSMQI SO AOIQHS

 

yenson: fernando fERNANDO WHERE ARE YOU HE'S DE-STABILISING

 

nando: I AM HERE IM HERE

 

mick: do you guys want any help or 

 

yenson: NOT NOW MICK

 

estie bestie: stop bullying mick

 

nando: 

 

ham: oh shit

 

britney: esteban you might want to run

 

nando:

 

nando: did you just accuse yenson of...

 

nando: ...of BULLYING?

 

estie bestie: erm

 

estie bestie: yes? 

 

nando: I WILL MARCH DOWN TO ALPINE RIGHT NOW AND SHOVE GEORGE'S POWERPOINT PRESENTATION DOWN YOUR THROAT IF YOU SAY ONE MORE THING ABOUT HIM

 

seb: oh god

 

estie bestie: mick i'm scared

 

mick: um sorry i'm helping yuki

 

estie bestie: excuse me?

 

george: GUYS IS FERNANDO REALLY GONNA RUIN MY POWERPOINT PRESENTATION???

 

sharl: sorry what i wasn't paying attention because i was kissing pierre

 

yuki:

 

yuki: AAAAHAHAHHQHWHJANSJOSOXOQK

 

smooth operator: yuki is about to explode

 

formulino: woof

 

yuki: oh hey formulino

 

yuki: woof woof

 

smooth operator: meow meow?

 

formulino: WOOF

 

smooth operator: ok jesus sorry mr cat

 

formulino: you better be

 

dannyric: carlos and formulino fight outside imola?

 

maximus: i'd watch this

 

dannyric: jenson and mick can fight too

 

dannyric: we could also get fernando and esteban 

 

maximus: can't forget yuki and charles

 

dannyric: of course of course

 

dannyric: and you know what why don't we through nico and lewis in there just for old times sake?

 

maximus: yes plus seb and mark webber just for fun

 

dannyric: you know who we could also have fighting? 

 

maximus: who

 

dannyric: me and you

 

maximus: THATS PERFECT

 

dannyric: yes okay scrap outside imola whenever we go next year

 

dannyric: winner gets glow in the dark crocs

 

maximus: deal

 

gr63: ...

 

maximus: what

 

dannyric: spit it out jorge 

 

gr63: oh nothing

 

gr63: i was just wondering how daniel's gonna fight when he won't be here next year

 

sharl: GEORGE YOU DID NOT

 

ham: too soon man come on

 

dannyric: no no it's fine

 

dannyric: i get it

 

gr63:

 

dannyric:

 

gr63:

 

dannyric:

 

gr63:

 

dannyric:

 

gr63: hey what happened to my laptop OH MY GOD MY LAPTOP

 

dannyric: HAHAHHAHAHA

 

dannyric: SAY GOODBYE TO YOUR POWERPOINT PRESENTATION MY FRIEND

 

dannyric: DELETED!

 

gr63: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

 

dannyric: HAHAHAHAHHAHAHAH

 

gr63: YOU FUCKING-

 

gr63 left the chat 

 

dannyric: oh

 

ham: damn

 

dannyric: did i take it too far?

 

britney: maybe

 

ham: just a tad

 

britney: just a smidge

 

maximus: it was probably for the best anyway

 

smooth operator: you're rescuing him from the powerpoints

 

dannyric: yeah

 

dannyric: i suppose so

 

seb: ...

 

dannyric: what's up?

 

seb: oh no its just that i could've done with that powerpoint 

 

seb: free wedding planning you know?

 

bwoah: i am not getting married based on russell's plan

 

seb: 

 

seb: i mean same but

 

dannyric: SEE IT WAS FOR HIS OWN GOOD

 

smooth operator: and you know without george here

 

smooth operator: i can maybe actually finish a race!

 

ham: ooooooooh too soon 

 

britney: no that was funny

 

ham: shut up nico

 

britney: no you shut up lewis

 

ham: i'll MAKE you shut up

 

seb: RIGHT THATS IT WE'RE ENDING THIS CONVERSATION HERE.

 

seb: CHARLES, MICK, AVERT YOUR EYES

 

mick: i'm an adult

 

seb: what?

 

mick: nevermind

 

seb: good.

Chapter 92: the hiding

yuki: has anyone seen charles

 

smooth operator: depends who's asking

 

yuki: me. 

 

yuki: i'm asking.

 

smooth operator: oh then um i don't know

 

gr63: hey has anyone seen charles

 

smooth operator: yeah i think i saw him earlier!

 

yuki: WHAT THE FUCK

 

yuki: WHY WOULD YOU BETRAY ME LIKE THAT CARLOS

 

smooth operator: oh um sorry

 

ham: how the FUCK does one say "um" over text????

 

smooth operator: um idk

 

ham: 

 

ham: i'm gonna punch someone

 

britney: who

 

ham: you ideally

 

britney: shit

 

ham:

 

britney:

 

ham:

 

britney:

 

bwoah: why is rosberg running across the paddock

 

britney: I'M ESCAPING

 

yuki: GUYS

 

yuki: CARLOS

 

smooth operator: ja?

 

seb: Seit wann waren Sie Deutsch?

 

smooth operator: what

 

seb: never mind

 

yuki: carlos

 

yuki: it's pierre who is asking 

 

yuki: not me

 

smooth operator: oh um

 

smooth operator: well i saw charles earlier

 

smooth operator: he was

 

sharl: NOOOOOOOO

 

maximus: france 2022 flashbacks?

 

sharl: SHUT UP

 

sharl: DONT EXPOSE ME CARLOS

 

sharl: i can't let anyone know where i am

 

gr63: oh god what horrendous situation have you gotten yourself into now

 

sharl: shut up george go back to making out with your powerpoint or whatever 

 

seb: charles

 

seb: what's happened?

 

sharl: i'm hiding

 

seb: okay....

 

seb: from who?

 

sharl: erm

 

sharl: his name rhymes with gierre pasly??

 

nando: you're hiding from max verstappen??

 

maximus: what?

 

ham: it's a chapter 2 joke you wouldn't get it

 

britney: yeah you wouldn't get it

 

seb: you wouldn't get it

 

bwoah: you wouldn't get it

 

yenson: mhm yeah you wouldn't understand 

 

maximus: for fucks sake

 

sharl: jenson and nico pretending they were OGs

 

sharl: we all know you were added in chapter 2

 

gr63: hey

 

gr63: i was added in chapter 2 as well

 

ham: YOU WERE???

 

porridge: i was added before him though

 

nando: you two were added at exactly the same time

 

porridge: close enough

 

dannyric: wait how many people were in this group chat originally?

 

sharl: five

 

dannyric: FIVE???

 

sharl: yeah me seb lewis kimi and fernando 

 

dannyric: and now there's like 12 million

 

sharl: yeah

 

seb: yeah

 

ham: yeah

 

bwoah: yeah

 

nando: yeah

 

yenson: yeah

 

britney: yeah

 

porridge: yeah

 

gr63: yeah

 

smooth operator: yeah

 

yuki: yeah

 

dannyric: yeah

 

maximus: yeah

 

mick: yeah

 

checo: yeah

 

estie bestie: yeah

 

albono: yeah

 

hulk: yeah

 

kmag: yeah

 

webman: yeah

 

mASSa: yeah

 

timo: yeah

 

gierre pasly: yeah

 

kovalainen: yeah

 

hakkinen: yeah

 

toto: yeah

 

christian: yeah

 

binotto: yeah

 

otmar: can i have my freezer back kimi

 

andreas: yeah

 

zak: yeah

 

franz: yeah

 

mike: yeah

 

jost: yeah

 

fred: yeah

 

guenther: yeah

 

niels: yeah

 

eduardo: yeah

 

formulino: woof

 

ham:

 

ham: HOW MANY FUCKING PEOPLE HAVE BEEN IN THIS CHAT

 

sharl: CAN WE GET BACK TO THE TOPIC AT HAND PLEASE

 

error code 404: albono, hulk, kmag, webman, mASSa, timo, gierre pasly, kovalainen, hakkinen, toto, christian, binotto, otmar, andreas, zak, franz, mike, jost, fred, guenther, niels and eduardo left the chat

 

sharl: THANK YOU

 

sharl: now

 

sharl: fernando

 

sharl: i know it's difficult to understand but gierre pasly actually rhymes with...

 

sharl: pierre gasly

 

ham: OMG WHAT

 

britney: WHAT THE HELL

 

maximus: THIS IS SHOCKING NEWS

 

gr63: I HAD NO BLOODY CLUE 

 

dannyric: PIERRE GAASLYYYYYYY

 

maximus: i read that in your voice

 

dannyric: mwah 

 

dannyric: nico üüüüüüüüüüülkenberg

 

hulk: you called?

 

mick: GET BACK

 

mick: STAY AWAY FROM MY SEAT

 

hulk: take a chill pill my man

 

mick: ARE YOU TRYING TO SELL ME DRUGS

 

seb: Du solltest Kindern keine Drogen anbieten, Nico

 

britney: WHAT THE FUCK DID I DO

 

seb: WRONG NICO!!

 

britney: yeah i'm coming to steal mick's seat

 

mick: HWAPAH

 

mick: I'LL FIGHT YOU

 

britney: 

 

mick:

 

britney:

 

mick:

 

bwoah: why is rosberg running back across the paddock

 

britney: OH GOD I FORGOT LEWIS WAS STILL THERE

 

britney: FUCK

 

seb: CHARLES CAN YOU PLEASE JUST EXPLAIN WHY YOURE HIDING FROM PIERRE BEFORE EVERYONE MURDERS EACH OTHER

 

sharl: I DONT KNOW

 

seb: WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU DON'T KNOW?

 

sharl: IM JUST HIDING FROM HIM AND IM NOT ENTIRELY SURE WHY

 

seb: DID HE DO SOMETHING?

 

sharl: NO

 

sharl: I JUST FELT LIKE IT

 

seb: WELL

 

seb: STOP HIDING THEN??

 

sharl: oh

 

sharl: i didn't think of that

 

sharl: thanks seb !!

 

seb: i

 

seb: kimi

 

seb: what on earth did we do with charles's braincells?

 

bwoah: i left them on the coffee table

 

seb: OF COURSE

 

seb: sorry apologies charles this is kimi's fault

 

seb: he left your braincells at home

 

seb: i'll get them returned to you soon

 

sharl:

 

sharl: does washing up liquid taste good

 

seb: NEVER MIND IM ON MY WAY NOW 

Chapter 93: the fok

ham added guenther to the chat

 

ham: guenther

 

guenther: what the fok do you want 

 

dannyric: to smash your doors

 

guenther: HE DOES NOT FOK SMASH MY DOOR.

 

kmag: not cool man

 

romain: yeah fuck you guenther

 

guenther: NO WAY WHY THE FOK ARE YOU TWO HERE

 

guenther: I NEVER WANTED TO SEE YOU IN THE SAME ROOM AGAIN

 

romain: ITS NOT OUR FAULT WE HAD TO BE TEAMMATES FOR FOUR YEARS

 

ham: hey 

 

ham: i was teammates with valtteri for five years and we're still chill

 

porridge: allegedly.

 

ham: yeah "allegedly" haha we all know valtteri thinks i'm the coolest person

 

porridge: no.

 

ham: ...coolest teammate?

 

porridge: no 

 

porridge: guanyu is cooler

 

ham: damn ok forget i said anything

 

guenther: lewis just tell me why the fok i'm in this group chat again

 

ham: i just wanted to check you know the difference between your nicos 

 

guenther: what?

 

ham: i heard about you signing nico 

 

mick: WHAT?

 

guenther: SHHSHSHS LEWIS SHUT THE FOK UP

 

ham: no no it's fine

 

ham: i just wanted to double check which nico you signed. 

 

guenther: what?

 

guenther: trust me i triple checked

 

guenther: i mean i couldn't really read the handwriting on the contract properly but it definitely started with nico and ended with berg so i have got the right guy you can trust me on this

 

ham: ...

 

ham: "nico somethingberg"

 

ham: where have i heard that name before

 

gr63: ...hulkenberg?

 

ham: try again

 

gr63: nico hulkenberg??

 

ham: ROSBERG GEORGE I'M TALKING ABOUT NICO ROSBERG.

 

sharl: hey guys why can i hear evil laughing

 

nando: i swear i am not laughing its not me this time

 

seb:

 

seb: kimi?

 

bwoah: no

 

seb: oh ok

 

yenson: who's laughing then?

 

sharl: 

 

seb: 

 

ham:

 

bwoah: 

 

nando: 

 

yenson: 

 

porridge: 

 

gr63: 

 

smooth operator: 

 

yuki: 

 

dannyric: 

 

maximus: 

 

mick: 

 

checo: 

 

estie bestie: 

 

formulino:

 

britney: mwahahahahahahah

 

yenson: SPEARS WHAT HAVE YOU DONE

 

ham: I FUCKING KNEW IT

 

guenther: HAVE I JUST ACCIDENTALLY SIGNED NICO FOKING ROSBERG??

 

britney: you have indeed

 

britney: nothing like an all scandinavian lineup right kevin?

 

kmag: finland is not considered part of scandinavia.

 

britney: 

 

britney: oh

 

britney: ok 

 

britney: nothing like an all danish/german/finnish lineup right kevin?

 

kmag: didn't you grow up in monaco?

 

britney: OH MY GOD JUST SHUT UP KEVIN I DIDNT ACTUALLY ASK

 

kmag: hey guenther!

 

kmag: i just found a teammate that's even more annoying that romain!

 

romain: that is really impressive man

 

guenther: i want to jump out a foking window

 

mick:

 

mick: guenther if you need someone to talk to i'm right here

 

guenther: GO AWAY MICK

 

mick: sorry :(

 

yuki: HEY.

 

yuki: DONT TALK TO MICK LIKE THAT.

 

guenther: or what?

 

guenther: what are you going do to about it?

 

guenther: punch me? you can't reach! bahahahaaha

 

maximus: HEY.

 

sharl: GUENTHER STEINER.

 

gr63: DID YOU JUST DISS YUKI?

 

smooth operator: YOU WILL PAY FOR THAT.

 

guenther: BAHAHAH WHAT THE FOK ARE YOU GUYS GONNA DO

 

maximus: eh

 

maximus: nothing

 

gr63: yeah we're just gonna sit back and watch

 

guenther: what

 

guenther: watch what

 

sharl: jenson and fernando

 

guenther: what?

 

yenson:

 

nando:

 

yenson: nando

 

yenson: on the count of three

 

yenson: two

 

yenson: one

 

nando: CHAAARGGEEEEEE

 

guenther: AH WHAT THE FOK ARE YOU DOING WHY ARE YOU STORMING HAAS

 

guenther: WHAT-

 

guenther: NO DONT THROW THAT OUT THE WINDOW THATS MY SCRIPT FOR DRIVE TO SURVIVE

 

maximus: eugh drive to survive

 

dannyric: hey that's my show

 

maximus: oh yeah sorry

 

guenther: IM BEING ATTACKED

 

guenther: MICK

 

guenther: HELP

 

mick: i would but

 

mick: you told me to go away so

 

guenther: WHAT?? MICK?? I DIDNT MEAN IT I SWEAR TO FOKING GOD

 

estie bestie: now you know not to mess with mick in the future!

 

mick: thanks esteban!

 

guenther: OH THATS RICH GETTING YOUR BOYFRIEND TO STAND UP FOR YOU

 

mick: WHAT um i mean what??? he's not my boyfriend !!

 

estie bestie: honestly guenther just shut up. you're disrespecting your own driver and honestly not only is it incredibly mean it's also just straight up unprofessional. mick doesn't deserve to be treated like so PLEASE just shut the fuck up.

 

guenther: 

 

guenther: it's not my fault he crashes the car so often

 

mick kicked guenther from the chat

 

estie bestie: oh

 

estie bestie: that works i guess

 

mick:

 

mick: what did i just do

 

estie bestie: you stood up for yourself buddy!

 

mick: i

 

mick: i did didn't i?

 

mick: i really did!

 

mick: seb are you hearing this? i stood up for myself!

 

seb: awh so proud of u luv x

 

ham: ok when the fuck did seb turn into a british mum

 

seb: it's just a phase don't worry about it babes xx

 

ham: ok oh my god can it be phase that ends quickly please

 

britney: i can't believe seb just used 'babes' in a sentence

 

ham: AND I CANT BELIEVE YOU JUST SIGNED WITH HAAS

 

dannyric: how are jenson and fernando getting on at haas anyway

 

nando: he will pay for what he said about yuki.

 

yuki:

 

yuki: are you going to kill him

 

yenson: MAYBE

 

gr63: should we like

 

gr63: try to stop them?

 

maximus: no george 

 

maximus: they must pay for they said about yuki.

 

sharl: yes.

 

yuki: hey guys i'm really grateful that you all stood up for me back there

 

sharl: ok alright yuki tone it down no one asked

 

yuki: pierre gossips to me about you.

 

sharl: LA LA LA IM NOT LISTENING

 

ham: you know texting involves no listening anyway?

 

sharl: 

 

sharl: so what does pierre say about me

 

yuki: that ur ugly and he likes me more

 

sharl: i feel like you're lying

 

gr63: i smell fibs 

 

yuki: i smell ur mum

 

gr63: what?

 

yuki: what?

 

nando: HAHA I GOT THE FATAL BLOW

 

ham: i seriously think they're trying to kill guenther 

 

mick: he'll be fine

 

ham: ...you sure?

 

mick:

 

mick: probably

 

estie bestie: see? probably is enough!

 

mick: yeah!

 

estie bestie: in all serious though you did a good job standing up for yourself there mick. you shouldn't let anyone talk to you like that.

 

mick: thank you esteban 

 

mick: that means a lot :)

 

estie bestie: <3

 

mick:

 

mick:

 

mick:

 

mick: <3

 

estie bestie: :)

 

yuki:

 

yuki: :(

 

nando: HEY YUKI I GOT HIM

 

nando: HE IS DOWN

 

yenson: I REPEAT MAN DOWN. MAN DOWN.

 

yuki: 

 

nando: yuki are you not happy that we defeated guenther?

 

yuki:

 

yuki left the chat

 

yenson: what? why'd he do that?

 

mick: where'd he go?

 

seb: kimi

 

seb: KIMI

 

bwoah: bwoah

 

seb: wink wink?

 

bwoah: olen sanonut, että mick ja esteban ovat rakastuneita, mutta mick ja yuki ovat myös rakastuneita siitä lähtien, kun esteban liittyi chattiin.  en tiedä mitä muuta haluat minun sanovan kuin vau!  olin oikeassa.

 

seb: ok dann sei so

 

britney: Freut ihr euch, mich nächstes Jahr für Haas fahren zu sehen?  Wussten Sie auch, dass ich Deutsch sprechen kann?

 

seb: DU BIST DEUTSCHER NICO.

 

britney: mutta osaan myös suomea! et français, italiano, español and english!

 

romain: wow nico est vraiment un connard 

 

ham: quelqu'un qui est d'accord !

 

ham: je savais que j'avais appris le français pour une raison.

 

britney: i'm getting attacked for no good reason here

 

ham: no no there's very good reasons

 

seb: nico you'll get over it soon luv don't worry about it xx

 

britney: i'm resigning

 

kmag: from haas?

 

britney: from life

 

kmag: god damn it

 

ham: oh thank god

 

britney: >:(

Chapter 94: the announcement

checo: i have an announcement

 

maximus: what

 

checo: in honour of yuki leaving this group chat

 

checo: i will be leaving this group chat.

 

ham: cool

 

seb: i'll miss u babes xx

 

sharl: bye

 

dannyric: toodles

 

checo:

 

checo: is no one gonna be sad or

 

gr63: i mean you've sent about 2 messages since you joined this chat mate we're not gonna be crying our eyes out

 

checo: IM DOING THIS FOR YUKI

 

gr63: oh ok he's shouting now

 

checo: MY MAN

 

checo: MY GUY

 

yenson: don't make it weird

 

checo: HE IS LIKE A SON TO ME

 

nando: EXCUSE ME?? HE IS MY SON

 

yenson: GUYS GUYS let's be civil here

 

yenson: yuki is a 22 year old man, he can choose his father for himself.

 

checo: i suppose

 

nando: yeah

 

yenson: and we all know he'd choose me

 

nando: I AM THE OBVIOUSLY THE FAVOURITE PARENT

 

yenson: OH OK SO WE NEED TO GET TO THE BOTTOM OF THIS

 

yenson added yuki to the chat 

 

yenson: yuki who's your favourite parent

 

yuki: fernando

 

yuki left the chat

 

yenson: WHAT.

 

nando: hahhahahhahahahahahhahahahahahhaha

 

nando: get rekt 

 

yenson: i am

 

yenson: in shock

 

yenson: pain

 

yenson: tears

 

yenson: i'm crying

 

ham: should we go check on him or

 

britney: nah

 

yenson: my son doesn't love me

 

ham: well he's not really your son so

 

yenson: EXCUSE ME??

 

yenson: I ADOPTED HIM

 

ham: did you ever sign any papers?

 

yenson: 

 

yenson: no but

 

ham: he's 22.

 

yenson: HE IS MY REAL SON LEAVE ME ALONE

 

ham: eu só vou voltar a aprender português

 

sharl: what

 

ham: j'ai appris le français maintenant donc je passe à une nouvelle langue

 

sharl: ah ok tant mieux pour toi

 

gr63: thats guid fur ye lewis bit a'm juist gonnae hae a blether wi' dauvit coulthard noo instead 

 

ham: i think coulthard's probably terrified right now

 

gr63: gonnae juist haud yer wheesht

 

ham:

 

checo: I STILL HAVENT SEEN SINGLE TEAR SHED

 

maximus: i'll get christian to hold a service in your honour if it makes you happy

 

checo: thank you max

 

checo: it's been nice knowing you all

 

nando: can't say the same for you

 

checo: go away fernando

 

yenson: stop insulting fernando

 

checo: you're my least favourite teammate

 

yenson: rude

 

maximus: nah you know what 

 

maximus: checo is a legend

 

maximus: i'll miss you mate

 

checo: thank you maximus

 

dannyric: hey that's my name for him

 

checo: sorry

 

checo: thank you max

 

checo: goodbye everyone

 

checo: THIS IS FOR YUKI

 

checo left the chat

 

yenson:

 

yenson: he does know yuki's probably coming back right 

 

ham: yeah people never leave this chat for longer than like two chapters 

 

yenson: chapters of what?

 

ham: ur mum

 

smooth operator added yuki to the chat

 

yuki: thank you for adding me back carlos

 

yuki: i just needed time to collect my thoughts

 

smooth operator: no problem yuki

 

smooth operator: does this mean i'm your favourite ferrari driver now

 

yuki:

 

yuki: well i mean technically fernando drove for ferrari so i really should say it's fernando 

 

smooth operator: 

 

smooth operator: yes of course that makes sense sorry for asking

 

yuki: no problem carlos

 

yuki: by the way where the fuck did checo go

 

dannyric: he left in your honour

 

yuki: WHAT

 

yuki: WHO IS GOING TO BE HERE TO SAY "YUKI IS THE MAN" NOW??

 

dannyric: yuki is the man

 

yuki: thank you daniel

 

yuki: BUTS ITS JUST NOT THE SAME

 

yenson: checo wanted us to be sad for him but ironically it's yuki who cares the most

 

ham: bet he's raging

 

sharl: lmao pro games xD get rekt

 

ham: what

 

sharl: lando and alex told me that's what's cool to say these days

 

ham: not even gonna question it

 

maximus: hey yuki since checo's not here anymore who's your favourite red bull driver now

 

yuki: daniel 

 

maximus: YUKI I THOUGHT WE WERE FRIENDS

 

ham: HAHA not even your own junior teams driver likes you

 

maximus: at least michael masi did 

 

dannyric: oh shit maximus

 

sharl: did he really just say that if he said that then i am laughing

 

gr63: THIS IS UNACCEPTABLE!!!!

 

sharl: copy and pasting your own tweets george?

 

gr63: what i just think this is unacceptable 

 

britney: you know what

 

britney: i really think max should stop pretending to have a rivalry with lewis

 

britney: because let's be real we all know i'm lewis's biggest rival.

 

ham: um

 

ham: i don't think that's true nico

 

britney: DID MAX BEAT YOU IN 2016 WITH EQUAL MACHINERY? NO. DID I? YES.

 

yenson: i actually beat him in 2011 with equal machinery as well

 

nando: i tied with him in 2007 in equal machinery

 

seb: and i beat all of you for four years straight

 

nando: NO ONE ASKED SEBASTIAN

 

bwoah: dont sebastian him fernando 

 

yenson: don't fernando him kimi

 

britney: IF IT WASNT IN EQUAL MACHINERY IT DOESNT COUNT

 

seb: awh sorry babes i didn't mean to offend u luv xx

 

seb: i beat mark in equal machinery though so at least that's not bad

 

bwoah: sebastian 

 

seb: yes?

 

bwoah: i want you to reread that message

 

seb: what? i just said that 4 championships is not bad

 

bwoah:

 

seb: oh

 

seb: shit

 

webman: NOT BAD FOR A NUMBER 2 DRIVER

 

seb: FUCK OFF

Chapter 95: the possible end of george's eyes

seb: you know what i'm stopping being a british mum just because of mark

 

ham: thank god

 

gr63: hey yuki by the way who's your favourite mercedes driver

 

yuki: nico

 

gr63: what

 

ham: what

 

porridge: what

 

britney: what

 

britney: i don't think i've ever even had a one on one conversation with you yuki

 

yuki: WE'RE BEST FRIENDS

 

gr63: feeling betrayed right now

 

sharl: haha cry about it

 

smooth operator: says someone who is NOT yuki's favourite ferrari driver

 

sharl: why are YOU defending george carlos he literally crashed into you at cota

 

smooth operator: oh yeah sorry george

 

smooth operator: yuki likes nico more than you that is super funny ha ha ha ha i am laughing 

 

gr63: >:(

 

albono: i like u george

 

albono: even when you simp for lewis all the time

 

gr63: I DO NOT SIMP FOR LEWIS

 

ham: you do man just admit it

 

gr63: >:|

 

britney: lewis

 

ham: what

 

britney: do you seriously think max is a bigger rival to you than me 

 

ham: why do you care so much

 

britney: I JUST DO OK

 

ham: FINE OK I HATE YOU MORE THAN ANYONE ELSE

 

ham: ARE YOU HAPPY NOW?

 

britney: yes thank you

 

ham: oh ok good

 

britney: <3

 

ham: <3

 

sharl: i don't understand brocedes

 

dannyric: i don't think anyone does 

 

gr63: oh look nico's over at mercedes now

 

gr63: wait

 

gr63: valtteri is this a get the bleach situation 

 

porridge: eh

 

gr63: VALTTERI PLEASE HELP IS THIS A GET THE BLEACH SITUATION??

 

gr63: VALTTERI?????

 

gr63: VALTERRRIII???????

Chapter 96: the parents

porridge: george 

 

porridge: how are your eyes doing

 

gr63: h£iiai'!-!:&-&@@'annan !-!-!

 

yenson: is he having a stroke

 

gr63: no he just can't see

 

yenson: oh ok thanks alex

 

gr63: im tryign mywbest ehete gusy 

 

gr63: thanskd forwthe warnfbin?2altteri

 

gr63: coudlve usedf ghat twwo fuckign chaptwrrs ago 

 

ham: maybe you should just give up george

 

gr63:  A MERCEDUES DRIVEVR NEVEBR GIVES UP

 

britney: no no i very much gave up

 

britney: #quitwhileyoureaheadkids

 

ham: who are you talking to

 

britney: what

 

ham: what kids are gonna see that hashtag

 

britney: it was meant to be humour i don't

 

seb: there is kids here lewis.

 

ham: what? 

 

ham: who?

 

seb: charles.

 

sharl: EXCUSE ME??

 

sharl: I AM A 25 YEAR OLD MAN. I HAVE A HOUSE, A JOB, AND A BOYFRIEND.

 

smooth operator: imagine having a boyfriend lmao could never be me

 

gr63: l4nado is tupign 

 

smooth operator: sorry what?

 

dannyric: i think he's trying to say "lando is typing"

 

smooth operator: no i don't think that's it

 

gr63: I AM VREY MUCJ TYIGN TO IMPLY YOUER DATIGN LNDO NOROIS

 

smooth operator: see? no one can understand him so let's just move on from that

 

sharl: SEB IVE INVITED YOU AND KIMI ROUND FOR DINNER WITH MY BOYFRIEND. I AM AN ADULT.

 

yuki: OH MY GOD CHARLES ITS ALMOST AS IF WE DONT ALREADY KNOW YOURE DATING PIERRE!!!!

 

sharl: AND ITS ALMOST AS IF YOURE THE REAL CHILD HERE GETTING ADOPTED BY JENSON AND FERNANDO

 

yenson: CHARLES FUCKING LECLERC I WILL HUNT YOU DOWN AND JUMP PIERRE

 

nando: I WILL STEAL YOUR KNEECAPS

 

sharl: AND ILL GET PIERRE TO FIGHT YOU ALL BACK. HAVE YOU SEEN HIS MUSCLES?

 

yuki: YES IVE FUCKING SEEN HIS MUSCLES STOP MAKING IT WORSE

 

seb: CHARLES.

 

seb: CALM. DOWN.

 

sharl: NO!

 

seb: YES!

 

sharl: NO!

 

seb: YES!

 

sharl: NO!

 

seb: YES!

 

bwoah: charles calm

 

sharl: oh wait omg sorry kimi i didn't realise i was being so aggressive !! i'll try to be better from now on. :(

 

bwoah: there you go

 

gr63: hahwa fharles IS a ch1ld

 

sharl: I THOUGHT YOU COULDN'T SEE

 

gr63: adn i throught seb and kiimi wernent youri parents

 

charles: THEY'RE NOT

 

seb:

 

bwoah:

 

charles:  FINE OK THEY ARE JUST LEAVE ME ALONE

 

bwoah: :)

 

seb: :)

Chapter 97: the end of the season

yuki: i miss pierre

 

yenson: yuki its been two days

 

yuki: I MISS PIERRE

 

yenson: why don't you look at the bright side

 

yenson: you can have new beginnings with a new teammate!

 

britney: who hopefully isn't in love with a ferrari driver 

 

dannyric: nico sounds so bitter there was lewis in love with someone else?

 

ham:

 

seb:

 

bwoah:

 

britney:

 

nando: sewis

 

dannyric: doesn't quite ring a bell

 

yenson: moving on

 

yenson: yuki things are going to be okay

 

yuki: NO THEYRE NOT 

 

yuki: why couldn't mick have been my teammate

 

gr63: don't diss nyck like that yuki

 

yuki: i do not care

 

yuki: #mick4life

 

sharl: wow 

 

sharl: someone moved on quickly 

 

mick: who moved on quickly?

 

sharl: what?

 

mick: what?

 

estie bestie: what?

 

yuki: go away esteban

 

yuki: stop flexing that you get to be pierre's teammate now and i don't 

 

yuki: YOU DONT EVEN LIKE HIM

 

estie bestie: trust me yuki when fernando left i tried my best to get them to sign mick instead

 

nando: ehehehe

 

seb: oh god not the evil laugh

 

seb: i retired to get away from you and i can still hear you from my house in switzerland 

 

nando: MWAHAHAHAHAHAHHA

 

estie bestie:

 

estie bestie: so mick

 

estie bestie: how are things with you anyway

 

mick: thanks esteban

 

mick: i'm good

 

mick: it's a little hard what with nico taking my seat and everything

 

ham: FUCK

 

britney: what

 

ham: I FORGOT YOU WERE DOING THAT

 

sharl: doing what

 

ham: ROSBERG TO HAAS

 

britney: i've successfully beaten you in equal machinery so now all i need to do is beat you in inferior machinery to assert dominance

 

yenson: hey did you guys know that in 2016 nico rosberg beat lewis hamilton in equal machinery?

 

maximus: oh my god! i did not know that in 2016 nico rosberg beat lewis hamilton in equal machinery.

 

dannyric: in 2016 nico rosberg beat lewis hamilton in equal machinery? wow, i never knew that in 2016 nico rosberg beat lewis hamilton in equal machinery!

 

smooth operator: really? nico has never mentioned before that in 2016 he beat lewis hamilton in equal machinery.

 

sharl: are you guys serious? nico rosberg beat lewis hamilton in equal machinery? in 2016? 

 

gr63: hey are you guys talking about how in 2016 nico rosberg beat lewis hamilton in equal machinery? because did you know that in 2016 nico rosberg beat lewis hamilton in equal machinery?

 

britney: you guys really didn't know that in 2016 i beat lewis hamilton in equal machinery?

 

maximus: YEAH BECAUSE YOUVE NEVER MENTIONED IT BEFORE

 

dannyric: I HADNT THE FAINTEST CLUE

 

britney: FUCK YOU GUYS ALL OF YOU

 

britney: LET ME HAVE THIS ONE

 

ham: yeah ok

 

britney: wait really?

 

ham: yeah you can have your one championship

 

ham: i'll keep my seven 

 

britney left the chat

 

ham: OH MY GOD

 

ham: I FINALLY DID IT

 

dannyric: #endofanera #ripbrocedes

 

ham: bit much

 

seb: hold on

 

bwoah:

 

seb: kimi has announced his presence.

 

bwoah: i was just interrupting to say we have a date for the wedding

 

seb: ah yes we do

 

seb: we do indeed

 

sharl: when 

 

bwoah: chapter 100

 

ham: awh that seems fitting

 

yenson: i still don't know what chapters you guys are on about

 

nando: estamos en un fanfiction en ao3, yenson.  el autor (que aún no ha aprendido español y tiene que usar el traductor de google) sube nuestras conversaciones como capítulos.

 

yenson: what

 

yuki: 私の人生は嘘ですか？

 

maximus: 大丈夫,  裕毅.

 

yuki: ありがとう、マックス。 あなたは私のお気に入りのフェラーリドライバーです。

 

smooth operator: 何????????

 

sharl: does carlos speak japanese now??

 

porridge: 我会说中文。

 

sharl:

 

sharl: huh

 

dannyric: i google translated it because none of you idiots have thought to download it as well yet

 

dannyric: it's not like it's been nearly a hundred chapters or anything

 

dannyric: valtteri can speak mandarin now apparently

 

porridge: 我和周经常说话。

 

dannyric: that's chill ig 

 

valtteri: zhou's learning finnish too

 

bwoah: kukaan ei välitä, lähden suunnittelemaan häitäni.

 

dannyric: bye kimi

 

valtteri: hei kimi

 

ham: i'm very confused

Chapter 98: the tablecloth

ham: how's the wedding planning going seb

 

seb: it's so stressful

 

seb: there's so many little things that need decided that i didn't even know existed

 

ham: like what

 

seb: tablecloth patterns.

 

seb: I NEED TO DECIDE ON A TABLECLOTH PATTERN.

 

dannyric: bright fuscia with lime green swirls mate that is the way to go

 

maximus: daniel

 

maximus: we're discussing tablecloth patterns for a wedding not patterns lewis would wear on a shirt

 

ham: HEY

 

ham: how about you just get a massive tablecloth with michael masi's face printed on it

 

maximus: oh my GOD how are you not over that it was A YEAR AGO

 

maximus: A WHOLE ENTIRE SEASON AGO

 

ham: YEAH 

 

ham: THE WORST SEASON OF MY LIFE

 

britney: 

 

maximus: OH MY GOD SORRY MATE THAT IM THE BIGGEST RIVAL YOUVE EVER HAD

 

britney:

 

maximus: SORRY THAT IM THE ONLY PERSON TO BEAT YOU TO A CHAMPIONSHIP

 

britney:

 

ham: YEAH AND IM SORRY THAT YOU HAD TO DO IT IN AN ILLEGAL CAR 

 

ham: TRY BEATING ME IN EQUAL MACHINERY NEXT TIME

 

britney:

 

britney: 

 

yuki: nico is about to explode

 

britney: AAQAKQKCJJWJXJWJGBA 

 

britney: I BEAT YOU IN 2016 IN EQUAL MACHINERY LEWIS

 

britney: ME. I DID THAT.

 

yenson: i also did that in 2011

 

britney: no one asked

 

britney: IM YOUR BIGGEST RIVAL LEWIS

 

ham: NO YOU'RE NOT

 

ham: YOURE JUST A CONSTANT PAIN IN MY ASS

 

britney: eh it's usually the other way around actually

 

ham: yeah but for the sake of the expression

 

gr63: VALTTERI

 

porridge: IM ON MY WAY

 

seb: GUYS

 

ham:

 

britney:

 

maximus:

 

dannyric:

 

nando:

 

yenson:

 

smooth operator:

 

yuki:

 

gr63:

 

porridge:

 

mick:

 

estie bestie:

 

bwoah: 

 

formulino: 

 

seb: what do we think about sparkles

 

yuki: I FUCKING LOVE SPARKLES

 

seb: SPARKLES IT IS THEN

 

bwoah: we are having a sparkly wedding

 

sharl: like in twilight 

 

bwoah: what

 

sharl: like how they sparkle in twilight

 

sharl: did you know that i'm friends with robert pattinson on instagram

 

gr63: charles we've established that robert pattinson does not have instagram

 

sharl: SHUT UP IM GONNA BE IN THE NEXT TWILIGHT MOVIE JUST YOU WAIT AND SEE

 

gr63: bring him to the wedding then

 

sharl: what

 

gr63: prove it

 

sharl: but pierre will be my plus one

 

gr63: prove. it.

 

sharl: ok fine i will

 

sharl: pierre if you're reading this i promise i still love you but i have priorities 

 

gierre pasly: *suspicious face*

 

ham:

 

ham: why don't you just SAY you're feeling suspicious?

 

gierre pasly: i don't know i was too focused on how to actually spell suspicious 

 

gierre pasly: english spelling sucks

 

ham: at least we don't have serrurerie

 

smooth operator: antidisestablishmentarianism 

 

ham:

 

ham: what

 

smooth operator: i just wanted to prove i could spell it

 

ham: ok

 

error code 404: gierre pasly left the chat

 

yuki: no pierre come back

 

ham: why has pierre never actually been added to the chat when he's practically the whole reason it exists?

 

sharl:

 

sharl: shh 

 

sharl: that is a question we do not ask

 

ham: should i be scared

 

britney: probably 

 

yuki: hey if robert pattinson is sharls plus one then pierre can be my plus one 

 

sharl: NO

 

seb: guys, pierre would be invited to the wedding anyway. he doesn't have to be anyone's "plus one".

 

smooth operator: can lando be my plus one

 

sharl: CARLANDO REAL

 

maximus: EXPOSED

 

smooth operator: NO NO MY PLUS ONE AS FRIENDS

 

seb: no one has to bring another driver as a plus one because you're all invited! 

 

smooth operator: oh ok phew

 

seb: except jenson

 

seb: you'll need to bring a plus-one

 

seb: fernando is not invited

 

nando: I DEDICATED A HELMET TO YOU

 

ham: come on man everyone knows you had ulterior motives

 

nando: LIKE WHAT

 

ham: idk man but they're not good

 

yenson: lewis will you shut up

 

britney: HEY

 

britney: it's my job to tell him to shut up

 

valtteri: well then you're not very good at it are you

 

gr63: you can probably hear them from haas

 

mick: you can't

 

yuki: it was an exaggeration mick

 

britney: you know what else gets exaggerated 

 

ham: NICO NO ONE ASKED

 

britney: I'M JUST STATING A FACT

 

ham: VALTTERI BACK ME UP HERE

 

porridge: I SWORE NEVER TO USE THE KNOWLEDGE I GAINED 

 

porridge: NEVER TO ACKNOWLEDGE IT

 

gr63:

 

gr63: personally i don't think there's any exaggeration 

 

ham: THANK YOU GEORGE

 

ham: this is why you're my favourite teammate

 

kovalainen: not cool man

 

ham: oh sorry heikki didn't know you were here

 

ham: you can be my second favourite

 

yenson:

 

yenson:

 

yenson: i'm right here lewis

 

ham: WE NEVER TALK ANYMORE

 

sharl: we don't talk anymore

 

sharl: we don't talk anymoooore

 

sharl: we don't talk anymore like we used to dooooooooo

 

sharl: we don't love anymore

 

sharl: what was all of it foooorrrrr

 

sharl: we don't talk anymore like we used to dooooooooooooooooo

 

seb: oh! i know that one

 

seb: harry styles?

 

sharl: no 

 

sharl: charlie puth and selena gomez

 

maximus: selener?

 

dannyric: GOTTA KEEP AN EYE OUT FOR SELENER

 

seb: 

 

seb: ah i really thought i had it

 

sharl: you're getting there though don't worry

 

ham: what's happening

 

bwoah: he is trying to learn new singers

 

seb: charles got me to listen to coldplay 

 

seb: i also know señorita

 

yenson: oh i know that one too

 

yenson: i love it when you call me senooorita i wish i could pretend i didn't need ya

 

nando: señorita?

 

yenson: yes

 

nando: noted

 

britney: oh god

 

ham: ew

 

mick: yuki avert your eyes

 

yuki: thank you for the warning mick

 

mick: no problem yuki :)

 

sharl: hey yuki you might wanna avert your eyes

 

yuki: SHUT UP CHARLES I DONT NEED ADVICE FROM YOU

 

bwoah: katsos, olen oikeassa yukista ja mickistä

 

seb: okay, i'm going to assume that's kimi talking about tablecloths and take this as our cue to leave

 

bwoah: sitä en sanonut

 

seb: let's go!

 

bwoah: sinun pitäisi todellakin alkaa opetella suomea sebi

 

bwoah: tai ehkä minun pitäisi opetella saksaa?

 

bwoah: ei, se on liikaa vaivaa.

 

bwoah: joka tapauksessa, en halua enää kuunnella vihjailuja fernandon ja jensonin seksielämästä

 

bwoah: lets go

 

seb: bye

Chapter 99: the wedding planning

seb: guys

 

seb: the wedding is like

 

seb; next chapter

 

seb: and we're still not prepared

 

gr63: sounds like you could do with a trusty...

 

gr63: wedding planner???

 

seb:

 

george: :)

 

seb: 

 

george :)

 

seb:

 

george: :D

 

seb: fine

 

seb: george

 

seb: would you like to be our wedding planner

 

gr63: MATE

 

gr63: IT WOULD BE MY FUCKING HONOUR

 

seb: alright well we need to get work NOW

 

gr63: you underestimate me

 

sharl: i am scared

 

maximus: of course you are

 

sharl: D:

 

gr63: GUYS

 

gr63: i have a plan

 

gr63: are you ready for this?

 

sharl: no

 

maximus: yes 

 

yuki: zimzalabim

 

gr63: ON YOUR MARKS

 

gr63: GET SET

 

seb:

 

ham:

 

britney:

 

maximus:

 

dannyric:

 

nando:

 

yenson:

 

smooth operator:

 

yuki:

 

gr63:

 

porridge:

 

mick:

 

estie bestie:

 

bwoah: 

 

formulino: 

 

gr63: GO

 

sharl: AAAAAAAAAAAAA

 

gr63: ALRIGHT I'VE BOOKED A VENUE SO I'LL SEND YOU ALL THE ADDRESS

 

gr63: I WANT LEWIS AND VALTTERI OVER THERE SETTING UP TABLES ASAP

 

gr63: NICO TOO BUT AT THE OTHER END OF THE ROOM PLEASE

 

britney: good

 

ham: i'll be GLAD to get away from nico

 

britney: you suck

 

ham: you suck dick

 

porridge:

 

porridge: george you really hate me don't you

 

gr63: :D

 

gr63: ANYWAY MOVING ON

 

gr63: I WANT JENSON AND FERNANDO SETTING UP LIGHTS

 

yenson: how many nandos does it take to change a lightbulb?

 

yuki: one plus three chairs stacked on top of each other?

 

yenson: correct!

 

yuki: FUCK YES see i pay attention

 

smooth operator: i still think it's 2

 

sharl: nah 3.5 was my gut answer and i'm sticking to it

 

gr63: MOVING ON

 

gr63: CHARLES AND CARLOS

 

gr63: I WANT YOU GUYS SENDING OUT INVITES

 

gr63: you can also choose the seating arrangements if you want

 

smooth operator: so i can sit next to my FRIEND lando?

 

sharl: DENIAL IS A RIVER IN EGYPT

 

smooth operator: i'm in the nile?

 

sharl: yes

 

smooth operator: ok

 

sharl:

 

sharl:

 

sharl:

 

sharl: has anyone seen carlos

 

dannyric: i saw him get on a plane

 

smooth operator: i'm in the nile

 

maximus: are you actually in the river fucking nile carlos

 

smooth operator: yes? why would i not be

 

yuki: CARLOS I'LL COME TO JOIN YOU THEN

 

gr63: NO YUKI WAIT

 

gr63: I NEED YOU AND MICK TO MAKE FLOWER ARRANGEMENTS

 

yuki: WAIT WHAT

 

yuki: I FUCKING LOVE FLOWER ARRANGING

 

estie bestie: WHAT ABOUT ME?

 

gr63: WHAT?

 

estie bestie: I WANT TO ARRANGE FLOWERS WITH MICK

 

gr63: OK??? THEN GO ARRANGE FLOWERS??

 

estie bestie: OK I WILL

 

gr63: GOOD

 

mick: WHY ARE WE ALL SHOUTING

 

yuki: I DON'T KNOW

 

sharl: SO AM I JUST SUPPOSED TO MAKE THE INVITES ALL ON MY OWN

 

gr63: i mean i could swap yuki so that he's working with you

 

sharl: GOD NO

 

yuki: EW

 

yuki: NEVER

 

yuki: NOT WITH THE PIERRE STEALER

 

sharl: I KNEW HIM BEFORE YOU DID YUKI

 

estie bestie: actually charles i knew him before even you did

 

sharl: shut up esteban go and be in love with mick on your own

 

mick: what

 

seb: oh shit

 

ham: damn seb just swore

 

dannyric: shit's bad 

 

ham: really bad

 

dannyric: worse than silverstone bad

 

maximus: which silverstone

 

dannyric: silverstone 2021 

 

maximus: oh ok because i thought you might have been talking about silverstone 2010 

 

dannyric: why would i be talking about silverstone 2010 being bad

 

maximus: i don't know 

 

maximus: because silverstone 2010 was famously not bad in the words of a certain australian

 

dannyric:

 

maximus:

 

dannyric:

 

maximus:

 

dannyric:

 

maximus:

 

dannyric:

 

maximus:

 

seb: FUCK

 

webman: NOT BAD FOR A NUMBER 2 DRIVER

 

seb: WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT MAX

 

maximus: DANIEL STARTED IT

 

webman: hey seb

 

seb: wait why are you still here

 

webman: what?

 

seb: why is there no error 404 message 

 

webman: not sure

 

webman: i got an invite from charles to your wedding though?

 

webman: bit confused not gonna lie

 

bwoah: we are getting married

 

webman: what? YOU and SEB?

 

nando: mark where have you been for the past 99 chapters

 

webman: idk helping oscar piastri get an f1 seat as payback for daniel taking my seat

 

webman: an australian for an australian. 

 

dannyric: mate didn't you retire

 

webman:

 

webman: that is beside the point

 

seb: mark are you coming to the wedding or not

 

webman: sure

 

nando: yay

 

yenson: >:|

 

nando: i mean

 

nando: oh noooo

 

nando: yenson button is my favourite formula one driver of all time

 

yuki: ARE YOU CHEATING ON JENSON?

 

nando: QUE

 

nando: NO YUKI

 

nando: IT WAS A JOKE

 

ham: a yoke?

 

nando: A YOKE.

 

yuki: IS MARK WEBBER A HOMEWRECKER?

 

sharl: no yuki mark webber is not bad for a number 2 driver we have been over this many times

 

yuki: shut up charles i didn't ask for your opinion

 

yuki: YOU are a homewrecker

 

sharl: YOU CANT HOMEWRECK WHEN THERE IS NO HOME IN THE FIRST PLACE

 

britney: lewis tried to be a homewrecker

 

ham: TO WHO

 

britney: SIMI

 

ham: AND EVERYTHING WORKED OUT IN THE END ALRIGHT

 

yenson: sewis was a wild time

 

gr63: a good time

 

porridge: a bleach free time

 

dannyric: i love how george and valtteri have bonded over the shared trauma of lewis and nico

 

ham: maybe that was our masterplan all along

 

britney: mwahahahaahahahahahaa

 

nando: no nico you are not doing it right

 

nando: it's like HAHAHAHAHA

 

britney: HAHAHAHA

 

nando: no still not right

 

nando: you need to practice your revenge laugh more

 

britney: noted

 

yuki: CAN SOMEONE PLEASE JUST TELL ME IF JENSON AND FERNANDO ARE GETTING DIVORCED

 

yenson: no yuki we're fine

 

nando: love u 

 

yenson: <3

 

britney: i'm going to be sick

 

yuki: I'M A CHILD OF DIVORCE

 

yenson: YUKI I DONT KNOW WHAT YOURE NOT UNDERSTANDING HERE

 

gr63: GUYS

 

gr63: WE'RE GETTING TOO SIDETRACKED 

 

gr63: THERE IS STILL A WEDDING TO GET UNDERWAY

 

maximus: me and daniel still don't have a role

 

gr63: ohohohoho

 

gr63: mate you're in for a treat

 

dannyric: sick what is it

 

gr63: DANIEL YOU'RE DJ

 

dannyric: LETS FUCKING GO

 

dannyric: i'm already making the playlist

 

dannyric: what kind of music does kimi like

 

bwoah: kpop 

 

dannyric: duly noted 

 

maximus: what about me

 

gr63: what?

 

maximus: what's my job

 

gr63: erm

 

gr63: you could handle catering?

 

maximus: why would i-

 

maximus: oh

 

ham: OH

 

sharl: YOU DID NOT

 

maximus:

 

maximus: we do actually have lots of leftover food

 

maximus: i will bring it

 

gr63: is it gold plated?

 

maximus: come on george 

 

maximus: don't be silly

 

maximus: it was a minor overspend.

 

gr63:

 

maximus: ...yes it's gold plated.

 

gr63: GREAT OK GOLD FOOD FOR THE WEDDING

 

bwoah: but i just want dino nuggets

 

nando: ok i will make the dinosaur nuggets

 

bwoah: thank you fernando 

 

nando: you are welcome kimi

 

yenson:

 

seb:

 

yenson: seb what did we just witness

 

seb: i don't know but i think i'm crying happy tears

 

gr63: MOVING ON

 

gr63: CARLOS

 

smooth operator: yes?

 

gr63: WHERE THE FUCK ARE YOU

 

smooth operator: I TOLD YOU I'M IN THE NILE

 

gr63: DID YOU ACTUALLY GET ON A PLANE TO EGYPT TO GO TO THE RIVER NILE

 

smooth operator: WHAT ELSE WERE YOU EXPECTING ME TO DO

 

gr63: NOT GET ON A PLANE TO EGYPT?????

 

smooth operator: oh

 

smooth operator: that does make more sense actually

 

gr63: oh my god

 

gr63: ok so it's looks like carlos isn't coming to the wedding then

 

gr63: charles who else have you invited 

 

sharl: everyone on the current grid plus mark 

 

seb: i don't want mark there though

 

sharl: ok nvm i didn't invite him

 

webman: excuse me?

 

error code 404: webman left the chat

 

sharl: see?

 

gr63: ok well maybe you should invite everyone else to the chat then

 

sharl: oh no

 

ham: that sounds scary

 

maximus: you mean like the entire fucking grid is going to be in the chat?

 

gr63: well yeah i mean why not

 

sharl: lando is going to be LIVID that we haven't invited him until now

 

gr63: wait shit hahahahahahahhahaha

 

gr63: this will be fun then

 

sharl added checo, carlos's boyfriend, zhou, sir lancelot, kmag, gierre pasly, albono and goatifi to the chat

 

carlos's boyfriend: the fuck is this

 

carlos's boyfriend: and why am i carlos's boyfriend 

 

smooth operator: YEAH HAHAHA I HAVE NO IDEA HAHAHAHAHA

 

dannyric changed carlos's boyfriend's display name to lance stroll

 

lance stroll: ok now why am i lance stroll

 

sir lancelot: sounds like identity theft man

 

lance stroll: can someone just change my name to lando

 

maximus changed lance stroll's display name to let's go lando 

 

dannyric: LETS GO LANDO

 

maximus: LANDO IS OK

 

dannyric: LETS GO LANDO

 

maximus: HE IS HERE TO STAY

 

dannyric: LETS GO LANDO

 

maximus: HE IS NUMBER ONE

 

dannyric: HES RACING LIKE A LION

 

maximus: SHOULDNT HE BE DUTCH?

 

let's go lando: thanks boys

 

let's go lando: seriously though what is this group chat 

 

sharl: erm

 

gr63: um

 

sharl: it's for seb's wedding

 

let's go lando: aight

 

seb: well strictly speaking that's not true charles you made it because you wanted advice on how to ask pierre out

 

gierre pasly: what?

 

sharl: NOTHING NOTHING HE SAID NOTHING

 

let's go lando: but wait

 

let's go lando: charles asked pierre out in like may

 

sharl: what haha no i didn't you must be misremembering lando haha

 

gr63: yeah lando maybe you just made that one up haha good one mate

 

gierre pasly: no no i remember our anniversary charles it's in may

 

sharl: SHSHSHSHHS

 

gierre pasly: did you really forget our anniversary?

 

sharl: WHAT HAHA NO

 

gierre pasly:

 

sharl: pardon mon coeur, bien sûr que non,  j'ai juste oublié une seconde <3

 

gierre pasly: ah, c'est bon mon amour <3

 

estie bestie:

 

estie bestie: JE VAIS ÊTRE MALADE

 

let's go lando: wait so

 

let's go lando: you guys have had a group chat without me since MAY?

 

sharl: NO

 

gr63: NOT NECESSARILY 

 

lando: AND THE WHOLE TWITCH QUARTET IS IN IT?

 

albono: i'm not!

 

lando: but you knew about it didn't you 

 

albono: well yeah but that's because george told me

 

lando: OF COURSE HE TOLD YOU AND NOT ME

 

gr63: HES MY BOYFRIEND LANDO WHAT ELSE DID YOU EXPECT ME TO DO

 

gr63: SHOULDNT YOU HAVE BEEN TOLD BY YOUR OWN BOYFRIEND

 

smooth operator: WHAT BOYFRIEND HAHAHAHAHHA LANDO DOESNT HAVE A BOYFRIEND

 

let's go lando: carlos you were literally at my house last night

 

smooth operator: WHAT NO HAHA WHAT DO YOU MEAN IM IN THE NILE HAHAHAHA

 

let's go lando:

 

let's go lando: don't tell me he's actually in the river fucking nile

 

yenson: we tried to stop him i mean

 

let's go lando: FOR FUCKS SAKE CARLOS

 

let's go lando: EVERYTIME

 

seb: ...is this a regular occurrence?

 

let's go lando: i'll jokingly be like "haha carlos your eating a baguette your so french" AND THEN THE NEXT MINUTE HES ON A FLIGHT TO FRANCE

 

maximus: where the fuck does he even get the tickets so quickly 

 

smooth operator: jet2.com

 

maximus: what

 

smooth operator: i'm ready for this

 

maximus: what

 

smooth operator: there's no denying 

 

gr63: now THATS what i like to hear carlos!

 

gr63: let's get back to work people!

 

gr63: we have a wedding to plan!

 

zhou: are none of the rest of us getting an explanation on this group chat then

 

goatifi: yeah i'm a bit confused 

 

goatifi: love my name though

 

sir lancelot: haha lewis i'm a sir and you're not

 

britney changed ham's display name to sir ham

 

britney: speak again lancelot and i'll hack your dads bank account and sell your team

 

sir lancelot:

 

britney: that's what i thought

 

albono: we're all just here for the wedding and then we can leave again right?

 

albono: i hate notifications 

 

gr63: we know

 

albono: :(

 

gr63: :)

 

checo: hey i made such a dramatic exit only to be added back again  

 

let's go lando: lmao xd get rekt sounds like a you problem

 

sharl: okay lando's back to normal now

 

kmag: i think lance lando zhou and nicky are the only people to have never been in the groupchat before

 

let's go lando:

 

let's go lando: so you really just had EVERYONE in this fucking groupchat except me

 

sharl: yeah

 

gr63: pretty much

 

maximus: sucks to be you mate

 

lando: i hate you guys

 

gr63: that's cool but ITS WEDDING TIME

 

gr63: SEB KIMI WHERE ARE YOU

 

bwoah:

 

seb: i'm here

 

gr63: the planning is complete

 

gr63: and do you know what chapter is next?

 

sharl: i can't count

 

smooth operator: numbers are scary

 

let's go lando: 1 + 2 = 4

 

gr63; ITS CHAPTER 100 IDIOTS

 

gr63: THE DATE OF THE WEDDING

 

gr63: so everyone better be there looking fancy asf

 

dannyric: can i wear a tuxedo

 

seb: i would be honoured if you wore a tuxedo daniel

 

dannyric: SWEET

 

gr63: is everyone clear on this?

 

sir ham: yes

 

britney: yes

 

nando: yes

 

yenson: yes

 

sharl: yes

 

smooth operator: yes

 

dannyric: yes

 

let's go lando: yes

 

maximus: yes

 

checo: yes

 

estie bestie: yes

 

porridge: yes

 

zhou: yes

 

sir lancelot: yes

 

britney: what did i tell you about speaking lancelot

 

sir lancelot: sorry nico

 

sir lancelot: 

 

kmag: yes

 

mick: yes

 

gierre pasly: yes

 

yuki: yes

 

albono: yes

 

goatifi: yes

 

formulino: yes

 

gr63: and no one is going to be late? or do anything stupid

 

let's go lando: i can promise you i'll be on time but i can't say anything about the not doing something stupid part

 

gr63:

 

gr63: i guess that's better than nothing

 

gr63: seb and kimi are you ready to get married

 

seb: yes

 

bwoah: yes

 

gr63: THEN LETS GET GOING PEOPLE

 

gr63: WE HAVE A WEDDING TO HOLD

 

seb: i'm so excited 

 

bwoah: bwoah

Chapter 100: the wedding

Notes:

hey ! i don't normally leave notes on chapters of this fic but i figured if there was any time to do it, it was at a milestone like chapter 100 :)

i just really wanted to say a massive massive thank you for how much love this fic has received since i started it. i didn't expect it to go anywhere at all really and for this fic to be where it is now (i think it just reached 30,000 hits earlier today, which is absolutely mental- thank you so much) i genuinely cannot explain how seeing a new comment or the amount of people who've took the time out of their day to read this silly little groupchat fic that i started earlier this year because i was bored- especially since i began writing it with no intention to ever post it, it was just my little happy place to make stupid jokes with overdramatised characters. i actually don't even remember why i decided to post it here to ao3 in the first place but i'm just so so glad i did, and i'm so so grateful for all of you reading this fic, that i get to share this happy place with other people (and they actually find some of the jokes funny?? my unfunny self still can't comprehend that one), and i hope i get to keep sharing it for a long time to come. but yeah, you mean so much more to me than you realise, and i just really wanted to thank everyone. <3

my god since when did i become such a softie lmao

 

anyway, enjoy the wedding chapter :)

seb: ITS TODAY

 

seb: TODAY IS THE DAY

 

bwoah: what day

 

seb: the day we're getting married

 

bwoah: oh yes

 

seb: I'M SO EXCITED

 

bwoah: bwoah :)

 

yenson: wow kimi even added a smiley face

 

ham: he must be absolutely fucking buzzing for this wedding

 

bwoah: im very excited

 

ham: whats excited in finnish 

 

bwoah:

 

porridge:

 

ham: ?

 

hakkinen: sanaa ei ole olemassa

 

ham: mika?

 

error code 404: hakkinen left the chat

 

ham: damn

 

gr63: RIGHT PEOPLE

 

gr63: ENOUGH PRETENDING FINLAND EXISTS

 

porridge: what

 

gr63: OFFICIAL WEDDING PREPARATION STARTS NOW

 

gr63 kicked seb and bwoah from the chat

 

britney: what was that for

 

gr63: THEY NEED TIME TO PREPARE ON THEIR OWN

 

nando: question

 

gr63: what

 

nando: are there going to be groomsmen and bridesmaids

 

yenson: actually yeah i was wondering that too

 

yenson: have they got a best man or what

 

gr63: well, first of all, there's no bride so there wont be any bridesmaids

 

bwoah: there will be a bridesmaid

 

gr63: what

 

gr63: how did you get back here

 

nando: who will the bridesmaid be kimi

 

bwoah: formulino

 

gr63:

 

gr63:

 

gr63:

 

gr63: FORMULINO IS A GIRL?

 

formulino: woof

 

yuki: no he's a boy

 

bwoah: bwoah

 

error code 404: bwoah left the chat

 

gr63: ok well

 

gr63: moving on

 

gr63: i think charles and mick are both going to be best man and lewis is there too i think

 

dannyric: yeesh 

 

maximus: oof

 

sir lancelot: yikes man

 

yenson: yeah charles and mick make senes but lewis? thats awkward

 

ham: WE DIDNT REALLY DATE GUYS

 

britney: YOU WENT TO THE BEACH TOGETHER

 

ham:

 

ham: is this just your way of saying that you're jealous we've never been to the beach together nico

 

britney:

 

britney: maybe

 

ham: how about we go next week then :)

 

britney: ok :)

 

ham: <3

 

gr63: ugh that was sickeningly sweet

 

albono: its fine george you dont have to pretend you're not jealous 

 

gr63: YOU'RE LITERALLY MY BOYFRIEND ALEX WHY DO YOU SHIP ME WITH LEWIS SO MUCH

 

albono: hehe

 

let's go lando: what would their ship name even be

 

sharl: russellton

 

let's go lando: omg #russellton4life

 

gr63: MOVING ON

 

gr63: ITS 10AM

 

gr63: I NEED EVERYONE AT THE VENUE BY 12

 

let's go lando: 12?

 

let's go lando: i just woke up

 

gr63: OH MY GOD CARLOS

 

smooth operator: WHAT DID I DO

 

gr63: CAN YOU NOT EVEN TEACH YOUR BOYFRIEND HOW TO SET AN ALARM?

 

smooth operator: I TRIED BUT HE JUST GOES BACK TO SLEEP

 

gr63: :)

 

smooth operator: 

 

gr63: hehe

 

smooth operator: george russell i swear to god

 

sharl: HAHA YOU JUST ADMITTED LANDO IS YOUR BOYFRIEND

 

smooth operator: NO I DIDNT

 

smooth operator: I

 

smooth operator: I JUST SLEEP AT HIS HOUSE SOMETIMES OK

 

sharl: sure you do

 

maximus: just like how i sleep at daniel's sometimes right

 

dannyric: no but to be fair max you do sometimes just come into my apartment and sleep on the floor without saying anything 

 

maximus: ITS NOT MY FAULT THAT YOUR FLOOR IS COMFIER THAN MINE

 

yenson: ah nando remember the days before we moved in together

 

nando: ah yes

 

nando: before we were together

 

ham: you mean before you admitted you were literally just a married couple 

 

nando: NO ESTABA SECRETAMENTE ENAMORADO DE YENSON DEJAME SOLO

 

yuki: その時点であなたは文字通り私を採用していた、恋をしていないふりをするのはやめて

 

maximus: ダニエルはセクシーです

 

yuki: なぜ今それを持ち出したのですか

 

maximus: ちょうどそのように感じました

 

zhou: valtteri, 所人都总是用其他语言说些乱七八糟的话吗？

 

porridge: 总是.

 

ham: pouvons-nous, s'il vous plaît, passer à autre chose maintenant que tout le monde parle d'autres langues

 

let's go lando: you guys are weird 

 

gr63: hey at least i'm not the only person here who only speaks english anymore

 

let's go lando: nah mate i speak flemish 

 

albono: do you REALLY though?

 

let's go lando: yeah duh

 

gr63: prove it then

 

let's go lando: i would but it's not on google translate so the author can't really say anything 

 

albono: damn thats tragic

 

yenson:

 

yenson: what author

 

ham:

 

britney:

 

nando:

 

gr63: 

 

porridge:

 

maximus:

 

dannyric:

 

yuki:

 

smooth operator:

 

mick:

 

estie bestie:

 

checo:

 

let's go lando:

 

zhou:

 

sir lancelot:

 

gierre pasly:

 

kmag:

 

goatifi:

 

formulino:

 

nando: moving on

 

gr63: CHOP CHOP PEOPLE WE'RE RUNNING OUT OF TIME

 

gr63: LANDO PLEASE FOR THE LOVE OF GOD TELL ME YOU OWN A SUIT

 

let's go lando: i do indeed

 

sharl: can i wear my ferrari suit

 

maximus: do you really have to

 

sharl: yes

 

smooth operator: omg charles we can be matching

 

sharl: 

 

sharl: yeah sure

 

sharl: hey mick

 

mick: mhm?

 

sharl: you still got your ferrari suit?

 

mick: of course

 

sharl: lets be matching ferrari boys then

 

mick: :)

 

dannyric: i'm still going full tux 

 

maximus: no but daniel we should be the army of red bull drivers and take down the ferrari drivers

 

dannyric: wait like a battle?

 

maximus: YES LIKE A BATTLE

 

dannyric: thats chill actually

 

dannyric: checo alex pierre yuki are you in on this plan

 

checo: sure

 

albono: aight

 

yuki: fuck yeah 

 

gierre pasly: but what about alpine? they might not want me being red bull associated now

 

maximus: DOES IT LOOK LIKE ALPINE ARE GOING TO BE AT THIS WEDDING

 

estie bestie: I'LL BE THERE

 

gierre pasly: YES BUT WHY WOULD I CARE ABOUT YOUR OPINION ESTEBAN

 

estie bestie: you don't but i can still tell otmar

 

otmar: listen esteban i honestly don't care what pierre wears as long as no one is breaking into my garage to steal our ice cream

 

estie bestie: what

 

gierre pasly: what

 

error code 404: otmar left the chat

 

nando: the only thing i'm going to miss about alpine is letting kimi break in

 

nando: good times

 

gierre pasly: he has already messaged me to ask what the code is for the new padlock they installed

 

bwoah: what can i say i need ice cream

 

gierre pasly: how did you get back here i don't-

 

gr63: MAX

 

maximus: tf

 

gr63: YOU'RE HEAD OF CATERING

 

gr63: MAKE SURE THERES ICE CREAM FOR KIMI

 

maximus: ok sure

 

ham: george are we wearing mercedes suits

 

gr63: i don't think those exist

 

ham:

 

ham: we'll find a way

 

ham: nico valtteri are you in

 

britney: no

 

porridge: no

 

ham: great so its set we're all wearing mercedes suits

 

britney: what

 

ham: um

 

ham: esteban

 

ham: you were chill with toto

 

ham: you can join

 

estie bestie: yay :D

 

let's go lando: why am i the only one with no association with any team

 

zhou: no i'm in the same boat

 

sir lancelot: me too

 

kmag: same

 

goatifi: yeah i don't think a mercedes power unit group really counts

 

let's go lando: let's start our own faction

 

sir lancelot: sure

 

goatifi: i'm down

 

let's go lando: let's call it "used a mercedes power unit at some point in the past"

 

zhou: i haven't though

 

let's go lando:

 

let's go lando: just pretend 

 

zhou: ok 

 

zhou: let me do some acting

 

zhou: omg i love mercedes 

 

zhou: toto wolff is very attractive 

 

britney: WHAT

 

gr63: NO

 

ham: i mean did the man lie though

 

zhou: thank you lewis

 

ham: you're chill zhou i like you

 

ham: wanna join mercedes

 

zhou: sure

 

ham: i'll get you a suit

 

let's go lando:

 

sir lancelot:

 

goatifi: 

 

kmag: he's literally the only one of us who's never used a mercedes engine how did he do that

 

let's go lando: maybe he just has too much style

 

zhou: 😎 

 

sharl: HOW DID YOU DO THAT

 

sharl: NO ONE IN THIS GROUP CHAT EVER USES EMOJIS

 

zhou: i have superpowers

 

sharl: omg

 

sharl: can you teach me

 

zhou: no

 

sharl: oh ok

 

gr63: PEOPLE 

 

gr63: ITS IS NOW 11AM

 

gr63: I'M AT THE VENUE AND THE ONLY PEOPLE I CAN SEE HERE ARE JENSON AND FERNANDO

 

nando: yes

 

yenson: because we spent the time you idiots spent deciding what faction to be part of actually getting to the wedding

 

ham: yeah but did you have the vibes

 

nando: yes we were listening to let it go in the car

 

yuki: WITHOUT ME?????

 

nando: it's ok yuki we can have a singalong on the way back

 

yuki: what about now

 

nando:

 

nando: fine

 

yuki: THE SNOW GLOWS WHITE ON THE MOUNTAIN TONIGHT

 

gr63: NO

 

gr63: WE'RE GETTING EVERYBODY TO THIS WEDDING ON TIME

 

gr63: OH THANK GOD I CAN SEE NICO AND LEWIS ARRIVING

 

ham: it's the whole mercedes squad man

 

estie bestie: we even got matching sunglasses

 

valtteri: i cannot see

 

smooth operator: oh i could do with some of those

 

britney: wait why

 

smooth operator: its very sunny?

 

britney: ...no it's not

 

ham: yeah its pretty dull to be honest we just added the sunglasses for style

 

zhou: epic style

 

smooth operator: wdym

 

smooth operator: the sun is beaming

 

smooth operator: and it's so warm

 

let's go lando:

 

let's go lando: carlos?

 

smooth operator: sí?

 

let's go lando: by any chance

 

let's go lando: and this is just a wild guess here

 

let's go lando: is there any chance that you're STILL IN THE RIVER NILE?

 

smooth operator: OH SHIT

 

gr63: FOR GODS SAKE

 

gr63: I MEAN CRIKEY CARLOS

 

gr63: HOW ON EARTH ARE YOU GOING TO GET HERE ON TIME

 

smooth operator: wait where is the wedding 

 

gr63:

 

gr63: idk mate we're all just words on a screen 

 

yenson: what

 

smooth operator: well i think i can get a flight to there in 10 minutes

 

gr63: OK THEN GO

 

smooth operator: I AM I AM

 

gr63: my stress levels are THROUGH THE ROOF

 

gr63: at least i can see the red bull crew arriving now

 

dannyric: TUXEDO GANG

 

sharl: don't tell me you all got matching tuxedos

 

dannyric: WE DID INDEED MATE

 

yuki: this bow tie is too fucking tight

 

maximus: i feel like i look stupid

 

gierre pasly: i feel like i am the one getting married

 

sharl:

 

gierre pasly: 

 

sharl:

 

gierre pasly:

 

sharl:

 

gierre pasly:

 

sharl: um

 

gierre pasly: we can do that in a few years maybe

 

sharl: yes good ok thats what i was thinking

 

yuki: SHUT UP

 

albono: guys maybe we should have got matching sunglasses too 

 

albono: it looks pretty cool

 

ham: hey alex williams use mercedes power units right? you could join us if you want

 

albono: i mean

 

maximus: NO ALEX

 

maximus: DONT DO IT

 

britney: COME TO THE DARK SIDE ALEX

 

estie bestie: wait why are we the bad guys

 

britney: idk just go along with it 

 

estie bestie: chill ok

 

albono: I'M NOT GOING

 

albono: i'll stick with red bull

 

checo: no i'm pretty sure that's exactly what you didn't do alexander

 

albono: DON'T ALEXANDER ME

 

gr63: YEAH CHECO DON'T ALEXANDER HIM

 

gr63: OR SHOULD I SAY SERGIO

 

checo: UM

 

maximus: TOO FAR GEORGE

 

ham: nico should i tell them that your real name is nicostrontius xylemrolexdiamondtripledouble roscoeberg the thirteenth or not

 

britney: what

 

ham: nothing 

 

gr63: OH THANK GOD THERES THE FERRARI DRIVERS

 

maximus: how did carlos get here so fast

 

smooth operator: i have my contacts

 

mick: you mean my contacts?

 

maximus:

 

maximus: who do you know who's THAT fast

 

mick:

 

mick: i know a guy

 

sharl: it doesn't matter though because we're HERE now and way more stylish than anyone else

 

mick: yeah i mean it's not a fashion show but i think we're winning

 

sir lancelot: you wish man

 

gr63: ARE YOU GUYS HERE

 

let's go lando: WE ARE INDEED

 

gr63: OH THANK GOD

 

gr63: WAIT

 

gr63: WHAT ARE YOU WEARING

 

let's go lando: formal wedding attire, duh?

 

albono: since when were neon crocs wedding attire?

 

let's go lando: SINCE NOW BABY

 

kmag: we are fucking rockstars huh

 

dannyric: not a bunch of wankers?

 

guenther: HE DOES NOT FOK SMASH MY DOOR

 

kmag: GET HIM OUT GET HIM AWAY

 

error code 404: guenther left the chat

 

kmag: phew that was close

 

goatifi: hey lando these crocs are a bit too small for me

 

let's go lando: it's fine mate you look stylish

 

albono: are we really implying here that lando just had enough crocs to hand for 4 people to wear

 

let's go lando: trust me mate

 

let's go lando: i have many more

 

albono:

 

albono: weirdly i don't doubt you on that one

 

gr63: HOLD UP GUYS I'VE GOT A TEXT

 

sharl: are we on love island now?

 

maximus: iVe gOt a tExT

 

gr63: SHUT UP MAXIMILIAN 

 

maximus: its max emilian actually

 

dannyric: 

 

dannyric: i thought it was short for maximus

 

maximus: no?

 

dannyric:

 

dannyric:

 

dannyric:

 

maximus: daniel are you crying

 

dannyric: NO LEAVE ME ALONE

 

gr63: SEB AND KIMI ARE ON THERE WAY

 

gr63: I REPEAT THEY ARE ON THEIR WAY

 

ham: who's driving them?

 

gr63: idk probably nico hulkenberg

 

kmag: yeah he had to sub in for the actual driver

 

ham: makes sense

 

gr63: I NEED EVERYONE INSIDE THE VENUE NOW

 

gr63: TAKE YOUR SEATS PLEASE

 

nando: should we sit anywhere in particular?

 

gr63: i don't mind

 

sharl: MOVE OUT THE WAY PEOPLE

 

sharl: BEST MAN COMING THROUGH

 

formulino: woof

 

ham: do we just stand awkwardly at the alter until they get here

 

gr63: yeah

 

dannyric: hey maybe we should let yuki sit at the front so he can see

 

yuki: rude

 

yuki: but yes please that would be helpful

 

yuki: mick come sit at the front with me

 

mick: :)

 

estie bestie: I'M COMING TOO

 

sir lancelot: hey i'll come too esteban

 

estie bestie: wait why

 

sir lancelot: idk? you're cool

 

estie bestie: oh um

 

estie bestie: thank you lance

 

sir lancelot: no problem

 

sir lancelot: now i'm gonna sit down because everyone else is

 

nando: i will sit at the back since technically i am not invited

 

yenson: oh come on don't be petty like that nando

 

nando:

 

yenson: yeah nevermind fuck em

 

nando: :D

 

ham: question

 

ham: who is actually officiating the wedding?

 

gr63: what do you mean

 

ham: like have you got someone to actually make it a legal marriage or what

 

gr63:

 

gr63: SHIT

 

gr63: I FORGOT

 

albono: HOW DO YOU FORGET THE MOST IMPORTANT PART OF GETTING MARRIED GEORGE

 

gr63: I DONT KNOW

 

albono: GEORGE

 

gr63: WHAT

 

albono: WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO 

 

gr63: I DONT KNOW ALEX

 

britney: you should probably figure something out

 

gr63: WOW ARENT YOU CLEVER NICO

 

gr63: HADNT THOUGHT OF THAT ONE

 

gr63: THERES NO CHANCE THAT ANYONE KNOWS SOMEONE WHO CAN LEGALLY CONDUCT A MARRIAGE RIGHT?

 

smooth operator: this guy i met in the river nile can

 

sharl: what

 

smooth operator: yeah i mean he was telling me his whole life story

 

smooth operator: he was originally from venezuela but was spending some time in egypt on holiday

 

smooth operator: he used to race cars but idk got fired or something

 

smooth operator: he kept going on about spain in 2012 and i was like what does that have to do with anything? but he kept bringing it up

 

smooth operator: and yeah apparently he became legally qualified to officiate marriages because he was bored

 

smooth operator: i can ask him to fly over to officiate the wedding?

 

smooth operator: i think maybe he's a pastor or something

 

dannyric:

 

dannyric: did you really meet pastor maldonado in the river nile

 

smooth operator: YES! THATS HIM

 

smooth operator: how do you know him?

 

dannyric:

 

dannyric:

 

gr63: just get him over to this wedding carlos

 

smooth operator: will do

 

gr63: OH SHIT THEYRE HERE

 

sharl: WHO

 

gr63:

 

gr63: 

 

gr63: robert pattinson and barney the dinosaur.

 

sharl: REALLY??

 

gr63: NO I MEANT SEB AND KIMI YOU IDIOT

 

robert pattinson: i am actually here though

 

gr63: wait what

 

sharl: HAHA I TOLD YOU I'D BRING HIM AS MY PLUS ONE

 

error code 404: robert pattinson left the chat

 

sharl: nvm

 

sharl: but yes i do see seb and kimi outside

 

gr63: WHAT ARE WE GONNA DO

 

gr63: CARLOS IS MALDONADO NEARLY HERE YET

 

smooth operator: no sorry

 

smooth operator: he's stuck in an air traffic jam

 

gr63: a WHAT?

 

nando: you know

 

nando: i am actually certified to officiate marriages

 

ham:

 

britney:

 

yenson:

 

gr63: 

 

porridge:

 

maximus:

 

dannyric:

 

yuki:

 

smooth operator:

 

mick:

 

estie bestie:

 

checo:

 

let's go lando:

 

zhou:

 

sir lancelot:

 

gierre pasly:

 

kmag:

 

goatifi:

 

formulino:

 

gr63: AND YOU BRING THIS UP NOW?

 

nando: yes

 

gr63: OK WELL GO THEN BECAUSE THEYRE HERE

 

gr63 added seb and bwoah to the chat

 

seb: everything ready?

 

gr63: yes definitely no problems

 

britney: none at all

 

dannyric: not one singular problem thanks to jorge's planning

 

seb: oh thats good

 

seb: well i'm going to stand at the altar and wait for kimi

 

yenson: awh he gets to walk down the aisle

 

seb: yes he's very excited 

 

seb: i love formulino's bouquet

 

seb: but can i ask why fernando is standing here too

 

nando: i am officiating the wedding

 

seb:

 

seb: oh god

 

let's go lando: I HEAR DRAMATIC WALKING DOWN THE AISLE MUSIC

 

porridge: kimi is here

 

formulino: dun dun dun dun dun

 

formulino: dun dun dun dun dun

 

bwoah: bwoah

 

formulino: here comes the kimi

 

formulino: i don't know the rest of the words woof

 

ham: jenson are you crying

 

yenson: ITS ALREADY A BEAUTIFUL CEREMONY OK

 

bwoah: hello sebastian

 

seb: hey kimi

 

bwoah: ok i've walked down the aisle now what do i do

 

seb: we say our vows kimi

 

bwoah: oh yes

 

nando: sebastian, would you like to read your vows first?

 

seb: alright, here goes

 

seb: kimi, ever since the first day we became teammates at ferrari i knew that there was something special about you. everyday when we'd eat ice cream together, those moments were always the highlight of my day, and i wouldn't trade them or you for anything in the world. thank you for always bringing joy to my days, and i promise to always do my hardest to bring joy to yours as well.

 

nando: very beautiful words sebastian

 

nando: now kimi, would you please recite your vows

 

bwoah: ok

 

bwoah: sebastian,

 

bwoah:

 

bwoah:

 

bwoah:

 

bwoah: bwoah <3

 

seb: 

 

seb: THAT WAS SO FUCKING SWEET KIMI OH MY GOD  (｡◕‿◕｡)

 

seb: i have a tear in my hold on

 

seb: give me a moment i'm sorry

 

sharl: it's ok seb

 

seb: KIMIS VOWS WERE JUST SO PROFOUND

 

nando: okay okay

 

nando: we do still need to do the official marriage part of this so, if you're ready

 

seb: i'm ready

 

bwoah: bwoah

 

nando: well

 

nando: do you,

 

nando: kimi mattias the ice man raikkonen

 

bwoah: bwoah

 

nando: take this guy to be your lawfully wedded husband

 

bwoah: yes

 

nando: no you have to say i do

 

bwoah: i do

 

nando: yay

 

yenson: EVERYONE CLAP

 

yenson: FOR THE BEAUTIFUL CEREMONY

 

ham: is jenson drunk

 

yenson: had a mimosa

 

ham:

 

ham: was it a bottle of vodka you pretended was a mimosa?

 

yenson: abdsolutelly not

 

nando: yenson

 

nando: please be quiet

 

yenson: soryry 

 

yenson: pssst yuki do u want some

 

yuki: ok

 

mick: no yuki i dont think you should

 

yuki: LSTS GO BEIATFULLU WEDDIJGN CERMEMONY

 

nando: if you were anyone but jenson and yuki i would have murdered you by now but its ok

 

nando: deep breaths fernando deep breaths

 

nando: right

 

nando: seb.

 

seb:

 

bwoah:

 

nando: 

 

seb: do i not get my full name read out?

 

nando: no because i figured that i should be nice to kimi for once and not sebastian you 

 

seb: oh wow ok thank you fernando that's quite touching actually 

 

nando: jk 

 

nando: do you, sebastian sBin vettel

 

seb: >:(

 

nando: take kimi mattias the ice man raikkonen to be your lawfully wedded husband

 

seb: I DO <3

 

nando: right ok youre married congratulations

 

nando: you may now kiss ig

 

seb: mwah

 

sharl: ew

 

maximus: was that necessary guys

 

gr63: i think lando is cringing

 

let's go lando: yup

 

nando: anyway you are now married congratulations

 

seb: KIMI WE'RE MARRIED

 

bwoah: bwoah

 

yenson: CONGRTATULTIONS GUYS

 

yenson: fernandno maywe we shouhdl get mariage

 

nando:

 

nando: mierda

 

yuki: SRE YOU GETTING MARRIED

 

yenson: MAYBE

 

ham:

 

ham: im just gonna congratulate seb and kimi and hope we can get to the reception quickly

 

seb: thank you lewis

 

seb: i'm so happy right now

 

seb: i think charles is crying

 

sharl: what haha no um my eyes are just sweating

 

smooth operator: sweating really badly huh

 

gierre pasly: haha charles you're a softie

 

sharl: AM NOT

 

sharl: I'M JUST ACKNOWLEDGING THE MEANING AND SIGNIFICANCE OF THIS

 

sharl: MY PARENTS ARE MARRIED NOW

 

seb: what

 

bwoah: what

 

sharl: WHAT HAHA UM I DIDNT SAY ANYTHING

 

albono: teehee

 

britney: hey wait but guys the simi vs sewis battle is finally over i guess

 

ham: why would you bring that up at their wedding nico

 

britney: IM JUST SAYING

 

seb: sewis was never real nico

 

ham: i mean it kinda was man

 

bwoah: >:|

 

seb: shshshshhshs

 

seb: it never happened

 

yuki: i want to eat the gold food now

 

yuki: max where is the gold food

 

maximus: right this way monsieur

 

sharl: please never speak french again

 

gierre pasly: yes oh my god

 

estie bestie: that was so bad

 

ham: haha you might have got the 2021 championship max but at least i can speak french better than you

 

maximus: maar je weet niet dat ik de naamkaartjes van jou en Valtteri heb verwisseld zodat je nu de HELE NACHT naast Nico moet zitten

 

let's go lando: teehee

 

albono: hey that's my line

 

dannyric: landorino what are you teeheeing at  

 

let's go lando: no i was just laughing at what max said

 

ham: i thought you spoke flemish though

 

let's go lando: it's called flemish DUTCH mate

 

maximus: still not the same language

 

let's go lando: eh mutual intelligibility or whateva

 

dannyric: no think you just downloaded google translate mate

 

let's go lando: YEAH WHATEVER

 

gr63: gents

 

gr63: hate to interrupt but i'd quite like to get to this wedding reception sometime this week

 

maldonado: I CAN HELP WITH THAT

 

smooth operator: AY PASTOR YOU'RE HERE

 

maldonado: YEAH SORRY I GOT STUCK IN AIR TRAFFIC

 

seb: i am so very confused right now

 

ham: it's a long story

 

seb: i figured

 

sharl: it involves the river nile

 

seb:

 

seb: ok that wasn't where i was expecting that to go but ok

 

dannyric: hey pastor congrats for not crashing the plane btw that's a big first for you

 

maldonado: i got a win before you.

 

dannyric:

 

maldonado: i can fight you if you want

 

maximus: you'll have to fight me first then

 

maldonado:

 

maldonado: pahahahahahahahahaha good one max

 

maximus: I'LL GET YOU ONE DAY PASTOR

 

maldonado: sure you will.

 

maldonado: anyway do you all want a flight to the wedding

 

gr63: i mean it's just a 10 minute drive away we really don't have to-

 

smooth operator: LEEEEAAAAAVING ON A JET PLANE

 

smooth operator: DONT KNOW WHEN I'LL BE BACK AGAIN

 

yenson: carlos you haveea beatuful voice

 

smooth operator: thank you jenson

 

smooth operator: VAMOS

 

seb: *airplane noises*

 

seb: *landing noises*

 

seb: *everybody stepping out of the plane noises and seeing the magnificent hotel in front of us*

 

ham: *me concealing my rage at the asterisks because it's seb's wedding and it wouldn't be very nice of me to kill him*

 

dannyric: HOLY SHIT JORGE THIS PLACE IS LIT

 

bwoah: bwoah

 

gr63: pretty cool huh

 

britney: why would you rent out an entire fucking hotel just for seb and kimi

 

sharl:

 

ham:

 

yenson:

 

nando:

 

seb:

 

bwoah:

 

gr63: 

 

porridge:

 

smooth operator:

 

yuki:

 

mick:

 

estie bestie:

 

sir lancelot:

 

kmag:

 

checo:

 

goatifi:

 

formulino:

 

sharl: YOU TAKE THAT BACK

 

bwoah: rosberg stop being a dick 

 

ham:

 

britney:

 

bwoah: AND DONT MAKE A DICK JOKE

 

ham: OH MY GOD KIMI IS SHOUTING

 

seb: he had a mimosa on the way here

 

dannyric: HAHAHAHAHHA

 

dannyric: THE AFTERPARTY HAS STARTED FELLAS

 

yuki: what about the gold food though

 

checo: yes i lovingly prepared this golden food with red bulls infinite catering budget

 

maximus: and i dried the dishes!

 

dannyric: let's just hope jorge's stocked the bar

 

seb: hey kimi before you get too drunk

 

bwoah:

 

seb: i just wanted to say i love you

 

bwoah: i love you too

 

seb: <3

 

bwoah: <3

 

seb: ok now let's get drunk

 

dannyric: AFTER PARTY TIME BABY

 

mick: i am scared

 

dannyric: MWAHAHAHAHAHA

Chapter 101: the after party

Notes:

hi so um definitely did not expect to have this long of a break between chapters, i'm really sorry haha (smiling thru the pain)

i did have exams though so i'll use that as my excuse.

anyway, enjoy this chapter !

dannyric: uh

 

dannyric: yeah

 

dannyric: gettin drunk on a friday night

 

maximus: daniel it's tuesday

 

dannyric: WHY DID YOU CHOOSE TO GET MARRIED ON A TUESDAY

 

maximus: i didn't marry anyone

 

britney: also it's actually thursday

 

dannyric: alright nico no need to be a smartass

 

ham:

 

ham: i'm really concerned that you think knowing the day of the week makes you a smartass

 

dannyric: are you telling me that you knew it was thursday

 

ham: no 

 

ham: because it's actually friday

 

dannyric: NICO

 

dannyric: YOU LIED TO ME

 

dannyric: I WAS RIGHT ALL ALONG

 

britney: max lied to you too

 

dannyric: YEAH BUT HE'S MAX SO HE GETS A FREE PASS

 

britney: HOW IS THAT FAIR

 

dannyric: u tell me bbg 

 

britney: what

 

ham: moving on

 

maximus: why does it feel like it's been 40 days since the wedding did the author forget to update or something

 

dannyric: be quiet maximus stop being so negative

 

maximus: i was just pointing it out

 

dannyric: well

 

dannyric: stop pointing then

 

maximus:

 

maximus: hey look at thing over there

 

dannyric: over where

 

maximus: idk mate i can't point at it

 

dannyric:

 

dannyric: oh wait do you mean seb running for the dance floor

 

ham: HES RUNNING?

 

bwoah: i dont think he's ran since hungary 2021

 

estie bestie: that was great day

 

porridge: i know i had so much fun bowling 

 

maximus:

 

checo:

 

gierre pasly:

 

let's go lando:

 

dannyric:

 

porridge: what

 

sharl:

 

sir lancelot:

 

porridge: oh come charles your dnf was lance's fault not mine

 

sir lancelot: MAYBE IF I WASNT TOO BUSY TRYING TO AVOID 16 MILLION CARS AFTER YOU FORGOT HOW TO BREAK

 

ham: how does that warrant going up the inside and into charles though lmao

 

sir lancelot: at least i didn't stay on inters lmfao

 

ham: 

 

ham: mind if bring up russia 2021

 

let's go lando: YES

 

let's go lando: I MIND

 

ham: what? it was a great race, my 100th win

 

let's go lando: 100 of them.

 

let's go lando: ONE HUNDRED AND YOU COULDN'T HAVE SHARED JUST ONE WITH ME?

 

ham: no way man

 

ham: never give up a win for anything

 

seb: even team orders

 

webman:

 

seb: OH COME ON MARK I DIDNT EVEN SAY IT THIS TIME

 

webman: oh yeah you didn't actually sorry my bad

 

seb: no don't apologise it's not your bad

 

webman: not.... bad?

 

seb: oh

 

seb: fuck

 

mick: SEB JUST SAID FUCK

 

mick: HE JUST

 

mick: YUKI IM SCARED

 

yuki: IM HERE FOR U MICK FOREVER AND ALWAYS <3

 

mick: THANKS BUDDY <3

 

albono: did yuki just get 'buddy' zoned?

 

yenson: shshshshshsh

 

webman: not...

 

webman: NOT BAD FOR A NUMBER 2 DRIVER

 

error code 404: webman left the chat

 

seb: i'd like to punch someone

 

bwoah: fernando

 

nando: what

 

bwoah: let seb punch you

 

nando: what why what did i do

 

bwoah: it's his wedding day let him punch you

 

seb: it's fine kimi i don't really want to punch anyone anymore

 

dannyric: i wanna see a fight though

 

smooth operator: like a final showdown

 

gr63: like super smash bros but in real life

 

maximus: hey that's kinda like me and daniel

 

dannyric: max 

 

dannyric: he means smash bros as in the nintendo game 

 

maximus: oh

 

maximus: never heard of it

 

yenson: right ok i would not like fernando to beat someone up

 

seb: who says i'd get beat up by fernando

 

yenson: jk lol im abdolutelyman fukin wasted lmao fight fight 

 

nando: i am not fighting anyone physically 

 

ham: cause seb would embarrass you

 

nando:

 

nando: yeah sure pretend that's why

 

yuki: do a dance battle

 

nando: what

 

seb: what

 

yuki: are you dumb

 

yuki: reread the message

 

yuki: do. a. dance. battle.

 

nando: i have some moves

 

seb: i dont dance

 

bwoah: yes you do sebastian

 

sharl: WHAT

 

seb: no- no i dont

 

ham: HOW do you stutter over text

 

seb: the sheer shock at being accused of being a dancer

 

sharl: seb what songs do you dance to 

 

seb: i don't dance, charles.

 

sharl: well according to kimi you do

 

yenson: what batou your firstst fanncne

 

seb: what

 

yenson: WHAT ABBIUT YOUR FIREST DANCE

 

gr63: SHIT

 

gr63: I FORGOT TO PLAN A FIRST DANCE

 

seb: it's fine george because I DONT DANCE

 

nando: how about a fist fight then?

 

bwoah: fernando if you lay one finger on sebastian i will steal your yuki child take him to the top of halti and leave him there

 

nando:

 

yenson:

 

yenson: you're good at hiking aren't you yuki

 

yuki: yeah but i'd get cold

 

yenson: good point

 

yenson: NOO KIMI DONT DO IT

 

yenson: DONT TAKE HIM

 

seb: how about we just eat?

 

yenson: EAT YUKI????

 

seb: NO

 

seb: EAT THE WEDDING FOOD

 

yenson: ohh haha that makes more sense

 

seb: i think checo and max made some golden food right

 

maximus: yes

 

maximus: the gold is fresh from red bull's kitchen

 

checo: very tasty

 

seb: let's all sit down then

 

gr63: you all have name tags!

 

gr63: made them myself :)

 

gr63: they're colour-coded based on what teams everyone's driven for, so for example mine has blue for williams and i think it's called tiffany green? for mercedes

 

gr63: yeah so i hope everyone can find their seats ok

 

albono:

 

albono: i love you

 

gr63: what

 

albono: nothing nothing ignore me

 

gr63: okay?

 

ham: hey why is my name card next to nico's

 

gr63: WHAT

 

gr63: I SAT YOU NEXT TO VALTTERI ON PURPOSE TO AVOID ANY DRAMA

 

maximus: mwahahahahahahhahahaha

 

maximus: MWAAAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAH

 

maximus: MY MASTER PLAN

 

smooth operator: guys i think he swapped the name cards

 

let's go lando: 

 

let's go lando: i think we've got sherlock holmes in the room ladies and gentlemen

 

gr63: to be honest i'm impressed that you actually know who sherlock holmes is lando

 

let's go lando: isn't he that guy

 

gr63: what guy

 

let's go lando: THAT guy

 

gr63: yeah ok moving on

 

britney: ew

 

ham: what

 

britney: you

 

ham: I'M ew?

 

britney: yes

 

smooth operator: i'm going to sit next to lando my good friend lando

 

let's go lando: what so we can be like seb and kimi, who are good friends

 

smooth operator: go away

 

maximus: can't we sit in our team factions

 

maximus: i wanna sit with the whole red bull gang

 

dannyric: AKA THE COOLEST KIDS ON THE BLOCK

 

maximus: please never say that again

 

dannyric: you can't stop me

 

maximus: i can't stop me can't stop me

 

sharl: WOAHAHAHAHAH

 

maximus: NAE APE NOHYEOJIN I RED RED LINE 

 

sharl: GEONNEOPYEONUI NEOWA NAN IMI NUNEUL MAJCHWO

 

dannyric: ok so how about a table for the kpop stans

 

ham: nah i like the factions idea

 

ham: zhou where are you

 

zhou: im here

 

ham: you still got your style?

 

zhou: always 😎

 

sharl: i am still so confused about how he does that

 

zhou: magic

 

sharl: right ok

 

gr63: so fine ugh ok if you guys want to mess up my whole plan that's ok, can we just like be chill and do wedding shit

 

kmag: does watching two people get married not count as doing wedding shit

 

gr63: yeah but

 

gr63: ok i don't care then do whatever you want

 

dannyric: LETS FUCKING GO

 

dannyric: WHO WANTS A MIMOSA

 

sharl: me 

 

ham: me

 

britney: me

 

nando: me

 

seb: me

 

gr63: me

 

porridge: me

 

smooth operator: me

 

yenson: meewe 

 

maximus: me

 

yuki: me 

 

mick: me

 

estie bestie: me

 

checo: me

 

gierre pasly: me

 

zhou: me

 

albono: me

 

sir lancelot: me

 

kmag: me

 

goatifi: me

 

dannyric: PARTY TIME

 

yenson: WWWEKEJEHHWHWH

 

maximus: somoeone play supeper max

 

let's go lando: how aboutu laets go lando 

 

dannyric: fellas altogether

 

dannyric: they call him last lap lando

 

smooth operator: i can't wait to see you win bro

 

sharl: when youre out there u are flying

 

smooth operator: i flew here

 

let's go lando: shut up carlos

 

dannyric: yes you are electrifying 

 

let's go lando: hehe

 

let's go lando: kinda drunk tho

 

yenson: WEBEBEHEHEH

 

ham: nico i hatewe youu 

 

britney: me 2 <3

 

ham: <3

 

seb: you know kimi

 

seb: this is chaos

 

seb: but i don't think i'd have it any other way

 

bwoah: <3

 

seb: <3

Chapter 102: the honeymoon

seb: we're away 

 

smooth operator: LEEAAAAVIN ON A JET PLANE

 

seb: no we're going on our honeymoon

 

smooth operator: yeah but are you leaving on a jet plane

 

seb: well... yes?

 

smooth operator: so i was right

 

let's go lando: that's a first

 

smooth operator: :(

 

nando: where are you going on your honeymoon

 

bwoah: idk

 

nando: wow i love that place

 

seb: anyway we have to leave now because boarding closes in 5 minute so

 

seb and bwoah muted this chat 

 

britney: nooo lewis your boyfriends gone

 

ham: NICO YOU'RE LITERALLY IN MY BED

 

gr63:

 

gr63:

 

gr63: valtteri?

 

porridge: second shelf on the right

 

gr63: thanks

 

checo: can i please leave the group chat again

 

checo: i went to all that effort to have a dramatic exit and for what? nothing.

 

yuki: but checo ur so cool

 

checo: yuki my guy you are the man but i do have to say goodbye

 

yuki: NOOO CHECO DONT GO

 

checo: i'm sorry amigo

 

checo left the chat

 

yuki: CHECOOOOOO

 

kmag: can i leave too

 

yuki: why the fuck would i care

 

kmag: damn ok sorry then

 

kmag: suck my balls mate

 

kmag left the chat

 

yuki: rude

 

yuki: what if i don't wanna suck his balls

 

yenson: i'm gonna pretend i'm not hearing yuki say this

 

albono: lando can you please leave as well x

 

let's go lando: LETS GO LANDO HE IS HERE TO STAY

 

gr63: alex i'm surprised YOU haven't left yet

 

gr63: are all the notifications not bothering you?

 

albono: i'm alright luv x

 

sharl: why has alex turned into a british mum

 

yenson: he's in his seb phase x 

 

ham: oh my god do NOT remind me of that

 

britney: and please don't start saying babes

 

albono: it's not a phase babes xx

 

yenson: yeah lewis nico babes it's not a phase xx

 

ham: STOP ENCOURAGING HIM JENSON

 

nando: don't tell him what to do

 

ham: i can do what i want to

 

nando:

 

ham: wait no fernando don't

 

nando:

 

ham: FERNANDO WAIT PLEASE

 

nando:

 

ham: DONT DO IT 

 

nando:

 

nando: no you cant luv xx

 

ham: AHH NOT WHAT THE FUCK IS BRITISH FERNANDO NICO SAVE ME

 

britney: ew no sorry babes x

 

ham: AAAAAAAAAAAA

Chapter 103: the album debate

dannyric: quick what's taylor swift's best album go

 

maximus: lover

 

sharl: red

 

dannyric: charles this isn't sponsored by ferrari you can say it's folklore

 

sharl: no i was actually going to say it's 1989

 

dannyric: I THOUGHT YOUD BE DEPRESSED CAUSE OF FERRARI THOUGH

 

sharl: I AM BUT 1989 HAS MY HEART

 

maximus: the answer is still lover

 

ham: i thought you'd like reputation max

 

maximus: why because i have a reputation

 

ham: yeah that's the joke

 

maximus: nah

 

maximus: lover <3

 

sharl: my favourite song from lover is death by a thousand cuts

 

dannyric: is that because it describes what it's like driving for ferrari

 

sharl: yea

 

dannyric: thought so

 

smooth operator: i like lando

 

dannyric:

 

sharl:

 

maximus:

 

dannyric: carlos that's not what we're talking about right now

 

smooth operator: oh

 

albono: my favourite taylor swift album is midnights because it's the only one i've listened to

 

gr63: come on alex i thought you'd be more cultured than that

 

albono: shut up george the only song you listen to is god save the queen

 

gr63: DONT BRING HER UP IN A TIME LIKE THIS

 

sharl: daniel you haven't said your favourite yet

 

dannyric: oh me?

 

dannyric: debut 4 life

 

maximus: old

 

dannyric: just because you were born yesterday max doesn't mean everyone else was as well 

 

maximus: I AM 25 YEARS OLD

 

dannyric: and you have the music taste of a 5 year old <3

 

maximus: is everyone else just gonna stand for this lover slander?

 

maximus: guys??

 

maximus: GUYS?

Notes:

im with max on this one

Chapter 104: the guau

Notes:

its been a while lads

---

sharl: so uh

 

sharl: seb and kimi have been on their honeymoon for a quite a while

 

dannyric: it's only been like 2 chapters charles

 

let's go lando: hasn't it been like 5 months real time tho?

 

yenson: why are there chapters

 

yenson: fernando what do they mean by chapters

 

nando: así que básicamente existimos dentro de un crackfic de ao3 en el que aparentemente todos existimos dentro de un chat grupal.  este es el capítulo 104, que, quiero decir, loco, ¿verdad?  el autor ni siquiera puede creer eso.

 

yenson: 

 

yenson: i really should learn some spanish

 

yuki: グーグル翻訳を使用してください、あなたはクソ馬鹿です!!!!

 

maximus: that is no way to talk to your father yuki

 

yenson: WHAT DID HE SAY TO ME

 

nando: tal vez si aprendieras otro idioma lo descubrirías. 

 

britney: :0

 

smooth operator: guau 

 

sharl: yensonando in their not a perfect couple era???

 

ham: since when did you guys all speak spanish

 

gr63: since we had five months paid leave from this fanfic lewis get with the times!

 

yenson: aun no entiendo porque hay capitulos

 

nando:

 

nando:

 

nando:

 

nando: DIOS MÍO

 

nando: YOU DID IT

 

nando: I AM SO HAPPY

 

nando: I LOVE YOU

 

britney: awh this is actually quite cute 

 

ham: i have no clue what the fuck is going on

 

let's go lando: does george canonically speak spanish now?

 

gr63: mayhaps

 

albono: เขาโกหก

 

yenson: anyway muchas gracias nando

 

yenson: te amo babes <3

 

britney: ok nope you ruined it 

 

sharl: seriously though

 

sharl: when are seb and kimi coming back

 

sharl: you guys suck

 

britney: yeah

 

britney: not for free obvs 

 

britney: but you can send me your paypal info

 

yenson: i think you might actually have just summoned seb by insinuating that charles would PAY you to-

 

sharl: i'll think about it

 

yenson:

 

sharl: i need lewis to rate it out of ten though before i consider investing

 

ham: 8.5/10

 

sharl: thank you

 

sharl: seb taught me that i need to be responsible with my financial decisions 

 

gierre pasly: CHARLES I AM RIGHT HERE AND I WILL DO IT FOR FREE IF YOU SHUT UP 

 

sharl: OH SHIT YEAH SORRY PIERRE

 

yuki: this is a sign

 

yuki: #piarlesbreakup2023

 

nando: i like this hashtag

 

nando: i will post it on tiktok

 

yenson: ...i think you have an addiction fernando

 

nando: it's better to be addicted to tiktok than to drugs

 

yenson: what have drugs got to do with anything

 

let's go lando: i do drugs

 

albono: the only drug you've taken in your life lando is the caffeine you get in chocolate bars

 

let's go lando: that's not true

 

let's go lando: i had an espresso once

 

albono: and?

 

smooth operator: he spat it out aLL OVER ME 

 

smooth operator: it's fine though because i wasn't wearing a t-shirt

 

albon: ...i know the answer to this but i'm going to ask anyway

 

albono: why weren't you wearing a t-shirt carlos?

 

smooth operator: 

 

smooth operator:

 

smooth operator: 

 

smooth operator: guau 

 

let's go lando: YOU KNOW EXACTLY WHY CARLOS

 

smooth operator: NO NO LO SE

 

albono: one day we'll get carlos to properly admit it

 

gr63: one day.

Chapter 105: the tale of simi's honeymoon

sharl: seriously though guys where are seb and kimi and when are they coming back 

 

nando added seb and bwoah to the chat

 

seb: hola amigos 

 

sharl: wait what

 

nando: por que hablas español??/?/?/??:

 

bwoah: we spend a week in spain and this is what happens to him

 

seb: bergsklättring i sverige var dock min favoritdel

 

yenson: erm

 

ham: what

 

zhou: someone translate pls 🙏 

 

sharl: SERIOUSLY ZHOU HOW DO YOU DO THE EMOJI THING

 

let's go lando: add your old swedish friend to the chat and maybe he'll tell you

 

sharl: what swedish friend?

 

sharl:

 

sharl: OH 

 

sharl: MARCUS??

 

sharl added did not hit grosjean to the chat

 

did not hit grosjean: i really didn't i swear

 

grosjean: IT WASN'T EVEN ME WHO SAID THAT MARCUS IS WAS MY ENGINEER I SWEAR 

 

did not hit grosjean: don't worry about it 

 

grosjean: you're not mad??

 

did not hit grosjean: nah

 

did not hit grosjean: beating u in indy rn soooo

 

error code 404: grosjean left the chat

 

did not hit grosjean: i had to do it i'm sorry

 

sharl: no you're not

 

did not his grosjean: yeah you're right i'm not

 

mick: phew

 

yuki: why are you so relieved mick

 

mick: i was worried romain might accidentally summon guenther

 

yuki: i see

 

mick: yeah i just get really panicked now whenever there's too many current or former haas drivers in one space

 

mick: i get flashbacks

 

mick: good thing it's just me in the chat now though.

 

yuki: i'm really sorry to hear that mick :( i hope you can learn to get over your fear!! and i will be here to support your the whole time. i promise.

 

mick: awh thank you yuki. one step at a time i think and i should get there eventually <3

 

yuki: of course. you have to go at your own pace!!

 

let's go lando: isn't that how he lost his seat tho

 

yuki: THAT WAS THE EXPENSIVE CRASHES LANDO

 

yuki: and anyway mick don't listen to him 

 

albono: yeah mick i mean it's lando speaking 

 

gr63: he's not had a single intelligent thought since the age of four i think

 

mick: why what did he think of when he was four

 

gr63: dunno but i bet it was really intelligent 

 

let's go lando: when i was four i put a fork in the toaster

 

gr63:

 

albono:

 

gr63:

 

albono:

 

gr63: WELL THAT EXPLAINS A LOT DOESNT IT

 

yuki: GUYS SHUT UP I WAS IN THE MIDDLE OF GIVING MICK INSPIRING ADVICE

 

yenson: YEAH GEORGE SHUT IT MY BOY WAS SPEAKING

 

yuki: "my boy" ♡⸜(˃ ᵕ ˂ )⸝

 

britney: just makes him sound like an old man to be honest

 

yenson: brave coming from the fourth oldest person in this group chat spears

 

britney: what

 

britney: lewis is older than me

 

yenson: no your birthday is december 2nd 1981 trust me i looked it up

 

britney:

 

britney: fuck you

 

yenson: i'll leave that to fernando thanks x

 

britney:

 

yuki:

 

yuki: ANY SPARE BLEACH AT MERCEDES GUYS

 

porridge: oh shit uhh

 

gr63: blimey i think we've actually run out 

 

porridge: what do we do

 

maximus: HEY! YUKI! look at this

 

maximus:／＞　 フ
              | 　_　_| 
            ／` ミ＿xノ 
          /　　　　 |
         /　 ヽ　　 ﾉ
        │　　|　|　|
  ／￣|　　 |　|　|
(￣ヽ＿_ヽ_)__)
 ＼二)

yuki: omg

 

yuki: i love it 

 

yuki: thank you max

 

maximus: no problem yuki

 

yuki: anyway back to mick

 

yuki: i believe in u getting over your fear of haas drivers. you can do this ! <3

 

mick: that's really sweet of you yuki. thank you <3

 

estie bestie: 

 

estie bestie: I LOVE YOU TOO MICK

 

mick: what

 

estie bestie: what

 

sir lancelot: what

 

britney: is now a good time to bring up the fact i canonically drive for haas in this fic

 

ham: ITS NEVER A GOOD TIME TO BRING THAT UP NICO

 

sharl: oh my GOD MARCUS PLEASE JUST TRANSLATE SEBS MESSAGE SO WE CAN MOVE ON

 

did not hit grosjean: what message?

 

sharl: oh yes i forgot you can't see it

 

sharl: seb please repeat your message

 

seb: bergsklättring i sverige var dock min favoritdel

 

did not hit grosjean: oh he says he liked rock climbing in sweden

 

dannyric: good ol' sverige

 

sharl: you can leave now marcus

 

did not hit grosjean: bit rude but ok

 

did not hit grosjean: hejdå

 

did not hit grosjean left the chat

 

dannyric: for the amount of buildup that was quite anticlimactic actually

 

ham: seb how many places did you guys visit while you were away?

 

seb: well

 

seb: because of how much time we had between updates

 

yenson: what 

 

seb: we actually managed to go all around the round world kind of

 

maximus: YOU WENT ALL AROUND THE WORLD

 

maximus: WHICH COUNTRIES!?/?:?:?:??:?;?3?:??:?1?:?2

 

seb: oh uhm

 

seb: quite a few actually. do you want me to list them?

 

maximus: YES PLEASE

 

britney: what's made him so enthusiastic all of a sudden

 

dannyric: he had a world map on his wall as a kid

 

britney: what's that got to do with anything

 

dannyric: he can name every flag in the world

 

britney: and?

 

dannyric: THE KID LIKES GEOGRAPHY NICO. 

 

dannyric: coping mechanisms during a crappy childhood and all that

 

maximus: do we really have to psychoanalyse me and my supposed trauma from my dad right now 

 

dannyric: not right now but yes we really should do that at some point max do you want me to book a therapist?

 

maximus: NO I WANT TO KNOW ABOUT ALL THE COUNTRIES SEB AND KIMI WENT TO

 

dannyric: SEB YOU BETTER START LISTING THOSE COUNTRIES THEN OR ELSE

 

bwoah: don't threaten him ricciardo

 

dannyric: sorry kimi

 

bwoah: you better be

 

seb: ok ok

 

seb: so first we went to finland because kimi wanted to climb halti 

 

yenson: 

 

nando:

 

yenson: yuki is visibly trembling right now

 

seb: anyway next we went to sweden

 

maximus: did you visit stockholm

 

seb: no we were in the north mainly 

 

maximus: BUT STOCKHOLM IS THE CAPITAL CITY

 

seb: right

 

seb: so next we went to spain

 

gr63: bit of a jump there

 

seb: i wanted to climb the pyrenees

 

sharl: every single one of them??

 

seb: yes charles. every single one.

 

let's go lando: the pira what now

 

let's go lando: KNEES???

 

maximus: HAVE YOU NEVER LOOKED AT A MAP BEFORE LANDO

 

smooth operator: he hasn't 

 

albono: can confirm

 

gr63: we showed him a map once and asked him to point to the uk

 

albono: he pointed to madagascar.

 

maximus: WHO'S CAPITAL CITY IS ANTANANARIVO

 

smooth operator: i am just impressed he knew the uk was an island to be honest

 

smooth operator: he told me he thought spain was a continent once

 

albono: when exactly did he tell you this carlos

 

smooth operator: when we were in bed

 

smooth operator: I MEAN UH

 

smooth operator: I WAS IN BED

 

smooth operator: HE WAS JUST STANDING THERE

 

dannyric: spooky

 

gr63: i would've said creepy but hey whatever floats your boat 

 

yuki: have you guys ever played build a boat for treasure

 

let's go lando: uhm

 

let's go lando: YES?

 

sir lancelot: i played that

 

let's go lando: your a roblox kid thru and thru lance i like to see it

 

zhou: i've played it too!

 

let's go lando: of course you have good taste in roblox games zhou 

 

sharl: why does he get to be so cool

 

zhou: 😎 

 

sharl: ITS NOT FAIR

 

maximus: i love build a boat for treasure 

 

maximus: i once built a fully working f-22 raptor and flew it to the end

 

let's go lando:

 

let's go lando: so you're one of THOSE kids??

 

albono: i bet max loved jetpunk as a kid

 

maximus:

 

dannyric: he still does

 

maximus: I JUST REACHED LEVEL 50 LAST WEEK

 

sharl: i am scared

 

ham: is it just me that has not understood a single word in this chat since lando mentioned knees

 

seb: no me neither

 

britney: same

 

yenson: i'm terribly confused

 

nando: i too do not know what is going on

 

porridge: i stopped caring

 

bwoah: bwoah 

 

seb: i guess i'm not so down with kids these days

 

ham: well i mean you did just say "down with the kids" so i think that's pretty self explanatory 

 

bwoah: sebastian is the coolest guy around lewis

 

bwoah: he is young and hip

 

seb: thank you kimi :) 

 

let's go lando: you guys are so OLD oh my god

 

seb: do you want to hear about our travels or not

 

maximus: yes me i do please continue

 

seb: ok

 

seb: so

 

seb: after spain we drove through france to switzerland 

 

seb: for the alps

 

ham: did you just go to different mountain ranges

 

seb: yes that was the point of the trip

 

dannyric: you spent your honeymoon CLIMBING MOUNTAINS??

 

seb: yes! it's one of my favourite hobbies.

 

dannyric: max promise me that if we ever get married we are spending our honeymoon in ibiza getting smashed in  a nightclub and then passing out on the beach

 

maximus: i what the fuck um i mean yeah that sounds fun but what the daniel MARRIAGE?

 

dannyric: what

 

maximus: what

 

dannyric: deeznutz 

 

maximus: 

 

maximus: hehe

 

seb: 

 

seb: so next we went to tanzania

 

gr63: ok now that is DEFINITELY a big jump from one place to another

 

seb: i wanted to climb kilimanjaro!

 

maximus: did you visit dodoma

 

seb: no max we did not have time to visit dodoma. 

 

maximus: WHY

 

seb: it's kind of nearly 400 kilometres away from the mountain?

 

maximus: oh

 

ham: hey guys can anyone else hear like an eagle in the background

 

albono: OH SHIT THATS LOGAN

 

ham: WHAT

 

sargeant: what the FUCK.

 

sargeant: IS A KILOMETRE??????

 

sharl: what

 

sargeant: zhou add the emojis for me 

 

zhou: 🦅🦅🦅🇺🇸🇺🇸🇺🇸

 

sharl: OH I GET THE REFERENCE NOW

 

error code 404: sargeant left the chat 

 

seb: i am slightly confused is this another not being down with the kids thing 

 

sharl: yes

 

seb: ah 

 

seb: well next up we went to japan

 

maximus: TO TOKYO????

 

seb: yes actually because we went to climb mount fuji

 

maximus: AHDBWOCNWIFBWONFKWBA

 

seb: then we thought about going to nepal for everest but then we realised that there is actually serious risks involved with that one

 

seb: so we went to argentina instead

 

maximus: i feel like you are really not taking a logical route on the map here why would you go from africa to asia and then back the way to south america? it makes no sense

 

dannyric: maxy

 

maximus: mhm?

 

dannyric: the earth is a sphere.

 

maximus: what

 

dannyric: you can take a linear path from africa to asia to south america

 

dannyric: because the earth isn't a map.

 

dannyric: it's a sphere.

 

maximus: w

 

maximus: what

 

britney: actually it's more of an ovoid

 

dannyric: NICO FUCKING ROSBERG DID ANYBODY FUCKING ASK

 

albono: is it just me that thinks daniel's protectiveness of max's geography obsession is really cute

 

sharl: if i was not in a committed relationship myself then yes i think i would be feeling quite jealous

 

gierre pasly: then you're lucky to have me mon amour <3

 

sharl: toujours, chérie <3

 

yuki: I AM GOING TO THROW UP ON JENSONS SHOES

 

yenson: WHY ON MY SHOES

 

yuki: THEY ARE CLOSER TO ME RIGHT NOW THAN THE TOILET

 

nando: it's okay yuki. deep breaths.

 

yuki: breEEEAATHE

 

yuki: BRREEEEAAAaaathe

 

ham: what are you doing 

 

yuki: would you rather i typed *takes deep breaths in and out*

 

ham: um no

 

yuki: then be quiet 

 

seb: are we done debating our direction of travel now

 

maximus: yes so anyway you were saying you were in buenos aires

 

seb: we were quite literally on the other side of the country 

 

seb: climbing aconcagua 

 

bwoah: i liked that one the best

 

maximus: why

 

bwoah: it was the tallest one we climbed

 

seb: yeah it was a fun one

 

seb: anyway our last stop was the states

 

sargeant: MURICA

 

sargeant: 

 

sargeant: zhou!!

 

zhou: oh sorry

 

zhou: 🦅🦅🦅🇺🇸🇺🇸🇺🇸

 

sargeant: thanks bro

 

error code 404: sargeant left the chat

 

seb: ...

 

seb: anyway we were in the rocky mountains and it was lovely and then we flew home

 

seb: the end

 

sharl: well i am glad you two had fun but more glad you are back

 

seb: what did you guys get up to while we were gone?

 

sharl: err not much actually 

 

dannyric: we discussed our favourite taylor swift albums

 

seb: ooh! mine is reputation. 

 

dannyric:

 

dannyric: ok why did i see anything BUT that coming

 

seb: what?

 

seb: if you have actually listened to it you will know that it is by far her most romantic album

 

seb: and as a romantic myself i feel an obligation towards it

 

bwoah: you don't have to lie about it being about the romance sebi i dont care that much

 

seb: ok fine its because it makes me feel like it's 2013 and i am the villain of formula 1 again

 

seb: i miss my reputation era

 

nando: too bad

 

nando: i am the anti hero now

 

albono: thats midnights but whatever

 

yenson: hey nando what were those rumours i heard about by the way

 

nando: 

 

nando: 

 

nando: erm

 

nando: mierda

 

yenson: what

 

nando: adios!

 

nando left the chat 

 

yenson added nando to the chat

 

yenson: nando

 

nando: jk i have never actually met her

 

yuki: ジェンソンが誰かのことを心配すべきなら、それはテイラー・スウィフトではなくマーク・ウェバーであるべきだと思う。

 

maximus: 離婚の子供になろうとしているのか、それとも何ですか？

 

yuki: IVE ALREADY BEEN THROUGH MY OWN DIVORCE WITH PIERRE MAX

 

gierre pasly: what

 

yenson: what did you guys say in japanese?

 

maximus: NOTHING

 

yenson: good

 

seb: so anyway guys i think all in all our honeymoon was great

 

nando: it wasn't bad?

 

seb: no fernando it was not bad 

 

nando:

 

seb:

 

nando: 

 

seb:

 

nando: 

 

webman: NOT BAD FOR A NUMBER 2 DRIVER

 

seb: i'm going to bed

 

seb: good night everyone 

 

sharl: night seb

 

dannyric: sweet dreams fellas

 

seb: :)

Notes:

max is me

Chapter 106: the anniversary

sharl: GUYYYYYSSSSSSS

 

sharl: DO YOU KNOW WHAT TODAY IS??

 

maximus: monday

 

dannyric: (unfortunately)

 

britney: oh so you guys can actually learn things?

 

dannyric:

 

dannyric: now i'm concerned that it isn't actually monday 

 

dannyric: why is nico agreeing with me

 

bwoah: its always sunday somewhere ricciardo

 

dannyric: good point 

 

seb: we're at a spa

 

nando: the circuit?

 

seb: yes fernando we went to spa francorchamps for fun

 

nando: i would do that

 

nando: i love spa

 

ham: you literally never have a good race there

 

nando: ok let's see

 

nando: 2022? you crashed into me

 

nando: 2021? the rain crashed into us all

 

nando: 2018? hulkenberg crashed into charles who crashed into me.

 

nando: 2017? gp2 engine.

 

yenson: THAT FUCKING GP2 ENGINE.

 

nando: 2016? ok p22 to p7 is not bad actually

 

seb:

 

seb:

 

seb: 

 

seb:

 

seb: oh is he not coming?

 

webman: not bad for a number 2 driver

 

seb: awh you said it really boringly 

 

webman: well how do you want me to say it

 

webman: noT BAD FOR NUMBER 2 DRIVER):!:!/!:

 

seb: yes that works better 

 

error code 404: webman left the chat

 

seb: he never does take my suggestions 

 

seb: anyway fernando please continue 

 

nando: 2015? gp2 engine. 

 

yenson: that goddamn honda engine

 

nando: 2014 and 2013? alright actually

 

nando: 2012?

 

grosjean:

 

grosjean: i swear fernando i will apologise again if you want me to

 

nando: moving on

 

nando: 2011? i was almost destroyed 

 

bruno: it was scrape

 

jaime: tis but a scratch

 

let's go lando: who the fuck are you guys

 

error code 404: bruno and jaime left the chat 

 

nando: ALMOST. but i escaped.

 

nando: 2010? it was raining.

 

ham: you spun entirely of your own volition

 

nando: THEY SHOULD HAVE MADE THE PAINT LESS SLIPPERY THEN

 

yenson: YEAH LEWIS THEY SHOULDVE MADE THE PAINT LESS SLIPPERY

 

nando: 2009? wheel damage.

 

nando: 2008 and 07 and 05 were ok to be fair

 

ham: why didn't you win those ones then

 

nando: I DID NOT FEEL LIKE DOING IT OK

 

nando: 2004 i spun but it really wasn't my fault that time

 

nando: and 2001 was the gearshaft 

 

ham: so you went on this whole rant because?

 

nando: because it's not my fault i have not won at spa

 

seb: i really only brought it up because i thought you all would like to know that kimi is sitting with one of those pink face masks and the cucumbers on his eyes

 

sharl: OH MY GOD

 

dannyric: DO YOU HAVE A PICTURE????

 

seb: sorry no phones are allowed in here

 

ham: how are you texting then

 

seb: magic

 

let's go lando: no way you're a wizard?

 

seb: yes

 

sharl: YOURE A REAL WIZARD???????:?:!:!:!?1!-?/

 

seb: no charles i was being sarcastic

 

sharl: awh :(

 

let's go lando: haha idiot

 

sharl: SHUT UP LANDO YOU THOUGHT THE UK WAS MADAGASCAR

 

let's go lando:

 

sharl: anyway can i get back to my original point

 

let's go lando: sure

 

sharl: today is the one year anniversary of this group chat!

 

ham: WHAT

 

yenson: there's no way it's been that long

 

sharl: may 22nd 2022 it started

 

sharl: and now it is may 22nd 2023

 

ham: damn

 

britney: i feel very old now

 

ham: good 

 

britney: YOURE OLDER THAN ME

 

sharl: this also means it is me and pierre's one year anniversary 

 

gierre pasly: you asked me out the same day you made the group chat?

 

sharl: I MADE THE GROUP CHAT BECAUSE I NEEDED ADVICE ON HOW TO ASK YOU OUT

 

gierre pasly: OHH

 

gierre pasly: that's so sweet of you actually

 

sharl: thank you <3 ily

 

gierre pasly: ilyt <3

 

yuki: EUGH

 

yuki: IM SICK I AM THROWING UP

 

britney: it's only taken pierre a year to find out

 

sharl: >:(

 

ham: how much has happened in a year man

 

seb: well charles and pierre got together

 

seb: jenson and fernando

 

seb: me and kimi got MARRIED?

 

seb: i think max and daniel and carlos and lando were always together but now they actually talk about it

 

dannyric: luv u babes x

 

maximus: who me or seb?

 

dannyric: seb obviously 

 

dannyric: stay sexy x

 

seb: 

 

seb: im flattered daniel but i do have to inform you that i have a husband

 

bwoah:

 

dannyric: apologies 

 

bwoah: :)

 

smooth operator: me and lando are not dating

 

gr63: you're fighting a losing battle here carlos 

 

albono: yeah haven't you literally already admitted it

 

smooth operator: >:(

 

seb: ooh we also have a lot of maybe couples

 

sharl: like who?

 

seb: well i don't want to say it in case i make things awkward

 

bwoah: yuki ja mick ovat rakastuneita, mutta se on ongelma, koska esteban on rakastunut mikkiin, mikä on myös ongelma, koska lance on rakastunut estebaniin

 

seb: thank you kimi

 

ham: what about me and nico

 

seb: what about you?

 

ham: do we not count as like a couple or something

 

britney: why would you want us to count as a couple

 

ham: I DONT KNOW

 

albono: i bet you guys secretly really like each other

 

albono: like you call each other darling or sweetums 

 

ham: what the fuck

 

britney: awh sweetums darling what's wrong?

 

ham:

 

ham:

 

ham:

 

ham: that is just about the scariest thing i have ever read in my entire life

 

britney: <3

 

ham: <3

 

albono: SEE WHAT I MEAN?

 

albono: sorry george

 

gr63: what

 

gr63: why would i care

 

albono: looks like lewis is never going to like you back

 

gr63: I DONT SIMP FOR LEWIS ALEX

 

albono: whatever you say

 

seb: oh there's another couple!

 

seb: george and alex

 

gr63: we've been together since before the group chat seb

 

seb: i know but still

 

seb: is there anyone else?

 

dannyric: nico and kevin

 

britney: what am i doing with kevin

 

dannyric: being his teammate

 

britney: oh yeah

 

seb: well

 

seb: i must say, it's been a weird year on this group chat but i've enjoyed it.

 

seb: cheers to many more?

 

sharl: cheers

 

ham: cheers

 

sharl: cheers

 

bwoah: cheers

 

nando: cheers

 

yenson: cheers

 

britney: cheers

 

porridge: cheers

 

gr63: cheers

 

smooth operator: cheers

 

yuki: cheers

 

dannyric: cheers

 

maximus: cheers

 

mick: cheers

 

estie bestie: cheers

 

albono: cheers

 

gierre pasly: cheers

 

zhou: cheers

 

sir lancelot: cheers

 

 goatifi: cheers

 

formulino: woof

 

sharl: :)

Chapter 107: the kovalainen

gr63 added kovalainen to the chat

 

kovalainen: why 

 

gr63: I HAVE SOME NEWS FOR YOU MY FRIEND

 

ham: george stop harassing heikki

 

gr63: how am i harassing him

 

albono: your presence is a harassment 

 

gr63: what

 

albono: don't mind me

 

gr63: anyway

 

gr63: i wanted to tell heikki that despite what he said a couple chapters ago

 

kovalainen: what did i say?

 

seb: what the FUCK did i say?

 

seb: red flag! 

 

seb: FUCK me. it's unnecessary! 

 

gr63: what

 

kovalainen: what

 

seb: what

 

gr63: anyway

 

gr63: heikki said i was the only one of lewis's teammates to have not won a race while being teammates with him 

 

gr63: BUT LET ME TELL YOU ABOUT THAT SON

 

gr63: NOT ONLY DID I WIN A RACE

 

gr63: I AM THE ONLY ONE OF LEWIS'S TEAMMATES TO WIN A RACE WHILE HE DOESNT WIN A RACE

 

kovalainen:

 

kovalainen: oh wow

 

kovalainen: that's really cool my guy!

 

gr63: "my guy"

 

gr63: my GUY???

 

gr63: I AM NOT YOUR GUY

 

kovalainen: oh

 

kovalainen: that's ok

 

kovalainen: do you want to be my gal or something?

 

kovalainen: i don't judge

 

gr63:

 

maximus: did princess george just get asked out by heikki kovalainen

 

gr63: erm 

 

gr63: sorry heikki but i have a boyfriend

 

albono: come on george it's ok

 

albono: i'm sure lewis won't mind!

 

ham: what am i minding 

 

gr63: your own bloody business that's what

 

sharl: LE GASP

 

albono: GEORGE

 

britney: saviez-vous que je parle cinq langues?

 

ham: CE N'EST PAS LE TEMPS NICO

 

ham: george

 

ham: not cool man

 

gr63: but

 

gr63: but

 

gr63: no

 

gr63: im sorry lewis i didn't mean to lose my temper like that

 

britney: aaaaand the britcedes drama commences

 

britney: i have popcorn

 

britney: anyone want popcorn?

 

dannyric: depends

 

dannyric: is it sweet or salty

 

maximus: im sorry sweet한 순간들 속 salty 곧 알게 할 것 같아

 

sharl: banger

 

britney: it's sweet popcorn daniel

 

maximus: ffs man

 

maximus: salty is so much better

 

maximus: someone back me up here

 

let's go lando: nah sweets better

 

sir lancelot: im more of a sweet AND salty guy myself

 

maximus:

 

dannyric:

 

let's go lando:

 

maximus: NO

 

sir lancelot: come on 

 

sir lancelot: there's worse flavours out there like have you seen the stuff they have in the states?

 

sir lancelot: i saw cheese popcorn there once

 

sargeant: MURICAAAA

 

sargeant: 

 

sargeant: zhou come on man you need to get better at these timings

 

zhou: oh sorry my bad

 

zhou: 🦅🦅🦅🦅🇺🇸🇺🇸🇺🇸🇺🇸

 

sargeant: thanks bro

 

error code 404: sargeant left the chat

 

sharl: speaking of emojis

 

sharl: i was looking through some old chats right

 

ham: oh god

 

sharl: no no its not bad 

 

seb: 

 

seb:

 

seb: charles

 

seb: CHARLES 

 

sharl: what?

 

sharl:

 

seb:

 

sharl:

 

seb:

 

sharl:

 

seb:

 

seb: oh

 

seb: ok

 

seb: he's not going to say it?

 

sharl: maybe he's on vacation or something

 

seb: wow

 

seb: this is quite refreshing actually 

 

seb: very peaceful

 

seb:

 

seb:

 

seb:

 

seb:

 

pastry: not bad for a number 2 driver

 

let's go lando: OSCAR WHY ARE YOU HERE

 

pastry: mark told me to say it for him he's busy rn

 

seb: yes ok but why would you LISTEN to him?

 

pastry: he's my manager mate i just do what he tells me 

 

let's go lando: if mark told you to jump off a cliff would you do it

 

pastry: yeah probably

 

dannyric:

 

dannyric:

 

dannyric: so let's say hypothetically mark told you to give me my seat back

 

pastry:

 

error code 404: pastry left the chat

 

dannyric: MARK?

 

dannyric: MARK WEBBER I NEED TO HAVE A CHAT WITH YOU RIGHT NOW

 

dannyric: I KNOW YOU CAN HEAR ME THROUGH THE VOID

 

yenson: the void?

 

dannyric: yeah like the error code 404 void 

 

yenson: WHAT DO YOU MEAN THE VOID

 

dannyric: the thing people get summoned from? come on jenson keep up 

 

nando: don't insult him

 

dannyric: aight soz

 

maximus: soz?

 

dannyric: sozzles

 

yenson: im so confused right now

 

sharl: CAN I GET BACK TO WHAT I WAS SAYING ABOUT EMOJIS

 

maximus: no <3

 

sharl: fuck you

 

sharl: so anyway

 

sharl: do you remember when we went to italy so seb could apologise to formulino and then we were late for practice so seb got a race ban

 

seb: how could i forget

 

sharl: well while we were away the rest of the chat were trying to convince themselves that we could actually be responsible adults

 

maximus: (we can't)

 

sharl: and lewis nico and george all used a thumbs up emoji

 

sharl: like WHAT

 

ham: it's a mercedes thing

 

sharl: what?

 

ham: using emojis. it's a mercedes thing.

 

sharl: ZHOU DOESNT DRIVE FOR MERCEDES

 

zhou: I JOINED THE MERCEDES FACTION DURING THE WEDDING

 

sharl: FUCK

 

zhou: 😁

 

britney: 😁

 

ham: 😁

 

gr63: 😁

 

porridge: 😁

 

kovalainen: i'm really confused right now guys

 

maximus: did you seriously ask george out on a date

 

kovalainen: i don't even know anymore

 

kovalainen: it's like what the fuck are we doing here?

 

seb: WHAT A STUPID ACTION!

 

seb: I'M GOING HOME.

 

seb: FUCK YOU.

 

kovalainen:

 

kovalainen:

 

kovalainen: does he normally quote himself this much

 

bwoah: bwoah

 

kovalainen: oh so you all do it then right ok well i'm a little bit scared right now erm george hit me up if you're interested otherwise heikki out

 

kovalainen left the chat  

 

gr63: how the fuck have i gotten myself asked out by heikki kovalainen

 

ham: u saying yes tho or what

 

gr63: 

 

gr63:

 

gr63:

 

gr63: yes because i'm going to dump alex for heikki kovalainen

 

sharl: wait no what george you can't do that

 

gr63: SARCASM CHARLES.

 

bwoah: toivottavasti et loukkaa heikkiä

 

porridge: heikki on niin siisti kaveri

 

gr63: DOESNT HE HAVE A WIFE????

 

porridge:

 

bwoah:

 

porridge: wait he does actually

 

bwoah: i have met her

 

porridge: damn it

 

porridge: what a player

 

albono: i think he was joking about asking george out tho

 

gr63: what are you saying i can't get bitches

 

albono: ABSOLUTELY NOT

 

gr63: HOW AM I WITH YOU THEN

 

albono: SHEER WILL AND DETERMINATION

 

gr63: yeah actually it took me ages to work up the courage to ask you out

 

albono: it was really sweet actually

 

let's go lando: no it wasn't i witnessed it and it was the cringiest thing ever

 

gr63: stop ruining the moment lando

 

let's go lando: NEVER

 

gr63: 🖕

 

let's go lando:

 

let's go lando: g

 

let's go lando: george

 

dannyric: that's cold from pr63 over here

 

sharl: I AM SERIOUSLY STILL SO CONFUSED ON HOW TO DO THAT

 

zhou: you'll never know 😄

 

sharl: fuck you

 

seb: charles that's mean

 

sharl: sorry

 

sharl: fuck you <3

 

zhou: fuck you too ❤️

 

sharl:

 

sharl:

 

sharl:

 

sharl: AAAAAAJQNJFJWKJROQJFHWOSBHAUIU

Chapter 108: the language issue

gr63: so i was chatting to heikki last night and it got me thinking 

 

albono: WHY DID YOU ACTUALLY GO ON THE DATE

 

gr63: IM A POLITE GENTLEMAN ALEX I DONT TURN A MAN DOWN

 

gr63: but we were talking about finland you see

 

dannyric: good ol' suomi

 

gr63: and we were talking about drivers who speak finnish

 

gr63: and he made a very good point to me

 

gr63: in that nico rosberg does not speak finnish

 

britney: WHAT DO YOU MEAN OF COURSE I DO HA HA HA HA IVE SPOKEN IT ON THIS CHAT BEFORE MULTIPLE TIMES

 

bwoah: lopeta valehteleminen jopa sebastian puhuu paremmin suomea kuin sinä ja hän ei voi muuta sanoa kuin "ei saatana perse vittu perjantai"

 

seb: kiitos <3

 

bwoah: bwoah <3

 

seb:

 

bwoah:

 

ham:

 

sharl:

 

nando:

 

yenson:

 

gr63: 

 

porridge:

 

smooth operator:

 

maximus:

 

dannyric:

 

yuki:

 

mick:

 

estie bestie:

 

albono:

 

gierre pasly:

 

sir lancelot:

 

goatifi:

 

formulino:

 

britney: MINUN SUOMENI ON PALJON PAREMPI KUIN SEBASTIANIN!!!!!!

 

maximus: what in the grandma reaction time

 

ham: yeah what took you so long to type that man

 

dannyric: 

 

dannyric: i smell a google translate delay

 

porridge: joo ja joka tapauksessa, kun puhun Kimin kanssa, puhumme suomeksi, mutta aina kun puhun Nicon kanssa, puhumme englanniksi, kun varmasti jos hän puhuisi suomea, olisi mukavampaa puhua sitä?

 

britney: I THOUGHT YOU LIKED GETTING OUT OF YOUR COMFORT ZONE

 

porridge: i love nothing more than my favourite things. aka porridge, tiffany, and saunas.

 

gr63: and getting your bare arse out on instagram 

 

porridge: at least my arse isn't plastic like your woody from toy story lookin ass face's probably is

 

ham: WHERE THE FUCK DID THAT COME FROM

 

porridge: don't know. also nico. fuck you.

 

britney: right well fuck you too valtteri! SORRY for trying to be NICE

 

yenson: fucks SAKE spears just admit you're lying and we can move the fuck on

 

britney: NO NON NO NEIN NO

 

britney: wait fuck i mean

 

britney: EI!!!

 

yenson: WHY

 

britney: A TRUE POP ICON ADMITS NOTHING

 

gr63: WE'RE POP ICONS HERE?

 

sharl: YES JORGE IM ARIANA GRANDE

 

yuki: IM TAYLOR SWIFT

 

dannyric: IM SHAKIRA

 

ham: ey yo?

 

dannyric: these hips don't lie babe

 

ham: i'm aware

 

britney: HUH?

 

seb: erm 

 

dannyric: blowing u a kiss through the screen rn

 

ham: didn't mean it like that + very weirded out right now + nico you already know i got with shakira cause that was when we were on our mandatory yearly break BUT respect for the lack of asterisks daniel. ur a real one

 

dannyric: anything for u querido xx

 

britney: I'M GOING TO SHAVE MY HEAD

 

dannyric: 2007 STYLE?

 

bwoah: very good year

 

sharl: u got that james dean daydream look in your eye

 

maximus: aND I GOT THAT RED LIP CLASSIC THING THAT YOU LIKE

 

dannyric: AND WHEN WE GO CRASHING DOWN WE COME BACK EVERYTIME

 

nando: CAUSE WE NEVER GO OUT OF STYLE WE NEVER GO OUT OF STYLE

 

sharl:

 

dannyric:

 

maximus;

 

yenson: nando?

 

nando: what?

 

nando: she taught me a lot of her lyrics

 

yenson: i see

 

ham: does jenson just not have a problem with fernando having had a fling with a pop star

 

yenson: nah it's cool 

 

yenson: we're even

 

ham: what's that supposed to mean

 

yenson: noneya 

 

ham: ?

 

yenson: noneya business

 

ham: i hate you

 

nando: ALRIGHT THEN HAMILTON 

 

nando: SQUARE UP

 

ham: YOU REALLY WANNA GO THERE?

 

yenson: nope no nando we are not starting a fight not today

 

yenson: not in front of the kids

 

yuki: yeah im scared

 

britney: LISTEN GUYS I SWEAR TO FUCK

 

britney: FERNANDO CAN BEAT LEWIS UP ANYTIME HE LIKES THATS FINE BY ME

 

nando: thank you rosberg

 

britney: you're welcome but p.s. lewis would absolutely demolish you in a one v one

 

nando: AL MENOS NO NECESITO TRADUCIR GOOGLE PARA HABLAR MI IDIOMA NATIVO

 

britney: VETE A LA MIERDA

 

britney: I DONT USE GOOGLE TRANSLATE

 

dannyric: how do you speak finnish then

 

dannyric: do you have some mystical translator app we've never heard of??

 

britney: FUCK OFF

 

ham:

 

ham: nico i'm tired of this just admit it to them

 

britney: admit what haha there's nothing to admit

 

ham: i'll do it. i'll tell them. i swear to god i will.

 

britney: WAIT WAIT NO WAIT PLEASE DONT

 

ham: you know i know the truth

 

britney: SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP

 

yenson: TELL US THE TRUTH

 

sharl: SPEAK FOR THE TREES

 

ham: huh?

 

sharl: sorry got you confused with the lorax for a second

 

ham: oh

 

ham: i thought you thought i was seb 💀 

 

britney: YOU WILL NEVER LET THEM KNOW THE TRUTH

 

ham: try me bitch

 

ham added keke to the chat

 

keke: where on earth am i

 

britney: DAD HEY

 

keke: nico!

 

keke: how are you?

 

britney: not great

 

keke: why?

 

keke: oh no

 

keke: are you and lewis fighting again?

 

seb: ...they're always fighting?

 

keke: oh hello sebastian

 

keke: not quite sure what you mean there

 

keke: nico and lewis usually get on just fine whenever i see them

 

yenson: are the britney and lewis you interact with from an alternate universe by any chance?

 

keke: jenson! finally someone who was actually alive when i won my championship

 

yenson: i mean i was 2 going on 3 but whatever puts you at ease

 

keke: please don't call my son britney though

 

keke: he doesn't like it

 

yenson: shoot sorry

 

yenson: i mean i've been going for spears instead lately

 

yenson: because i think it's less harsh on his toxic masculinity?

 

keke: i suppose that makes sense

 

nando: i am still very confused as to how you think the brocedes never fight

 

albono: HANG ON

 

albono: GEORGINA

 

gr63: you did NOT just call me that

 

albono: i was going to call you georgie but that just made me think of the kid from it

 

albono: pls don't get your arm eaten off by a clown that lives in a drain

 

gr63: wasn't planning on it x

 

albono: right well i was just thinking that remember when we joked that brocedes are actually really sweet to each other irl

 

gr63: yeah?

 

albono: WHAT IF THEY ARE??

 

gr63: OH MY DAYS

 

albono: keke, has nico ever by chance referred to lewis as darling or sweetums by any chance?

 

keke: hmm

 

keke: not that i recall

 

britney: SEE

 

keke: i don't think he's opposed to the occasional "schatz" though

 

britney: WHAT

 

seb: oh my god

 

seb: lewis are you getting called pet names in german

 

ham: erm

 

ham: of course not haha

 

keke: i have even heard the occasional "mon coeur" 

 

sharl: oh dear god

 

gierre pasly: i feel nauseous 

 

estie bestie: me too

 

yuki: me three

 

mick: me four

 

sharl: but you guys don't even speak french

 

yuki: in solidarity. (with pierre not you)

 

mick: yeah! and esteban :)

 

sharl: alright then no need to do me like that 

 

estie bestie: thats so nice of you mick

 

mick: thanks esteban :)

 

yuki: yeah um i mean you're always super duper nice to everyone mick and i noticed that WAY before esteban did hahahahah

 

mick: awh thank you yuki :)

 

yuki: no problem ૮ ˶ᵔ ᵕ ᵔ˶ ა

 

keke:

 

keke: siellä on jotain outoa.

 

bwoah: sitä minä olen sanonut!

 

keke: moving on

 

keke: the lovey dovey stuff is not just nico though

 

keke: it's lewis too.

 

keke: they both get very mushy when they're drunk

 

keke: it has become a joke between me and anthony that our sons pretend to hate each other but are secretly very adorable together

 

britney: DAD STOP YOU'RE EMBARRASSING ME

 

keke: that's what fathers are for!

 

dannyric: keke am i tripping balls or did jeremy clarkson once accuse you of being gay for lewis's dad

 

keke:

 

keke: i think he may have

 

ham: he definitely did

 

ham: it was very awkward

 

keke:

 

keke: ANYWAY nico you still haven't told me why things aren't great

 

britney:

 

britney: 

 

britney:

 

britney:

 

ham: fuck it

 

ham: HE'S REFUSING TO ADMIT THAT YOU TRANSLATE HIS MESSAGES INTO FINNISH FOR HIM SO HE CAN PRETEND TO SPEAK FINNISH

 

britney: FUCK YOU

 

nando: is it true?

 

keke: yes i'm afraid

 

sharl: wait so

 

sharl: keke has been lurking in the background of this chat the whole time?

 

britney: NO

 

britney: HE ONLY EVER TRANSLATES MY MESSAGES HES NEVER READ THE CHAT

 

keke: and i must say, i'm glad i haven't.

 

keke: nico i really need to get going now

 

britney: why?

 

keke: alain prost has just challenged me to a game of words with friends

 

keke: he just beat damon hill apparently and now wants to beat me too

 

keke: i'm the best in our group chat though so i don't know what he thinks he's playing at

 

britney: huh?

 

seb: oh my god

 

seb: wait

 

seb: please tell me

 

seb: please tell me there's a world champions group chat

 

keke: of course there is

 

keke: wait

 

keke: fuck

 

keke: we forgot to update it

 

seb: ???

 

sharl: seb first won in ancient times like 2010 how long has it been

 

keke: let me check

 

keke: ah

 

keke: last updated 2007.

 

yenson: NANDO YOU'VE BEEN IN THAT GROUP CHAT ALL THIS TIME????

 

nando: mayhaps 

 

nando: kimi too

 

seb: KIMI??

 

seb: YOU NEVER THOUGHT TO ADD ME????

 

bwoah: i hardly even check this chat do you expect me to look at that one as well

 

seb: fair enough i guess

 

yenson: i bet nando is the same and that's why he never thought to add me

 

nando: no no i have been in on their words with friends tournaments

 

nando: i am currently winning against emerson fittipaldi

 

yenson: jesus fuck

 

yenson: oi sebi

 

bwoah: don't sebi him

 

bwoah: only i can sebi him

 

yenson: you forgot to add him to the wdc group chat

 

yenson: i think i'll call him whatever i bloody well want to

 

seb:

 

yenson: let's start a revolution and break into their group chat

 

seb: YES!

 

seb: I LOVE A GOOD REVOLUTION 

 

keke: or i could just add you two?

 

yenson:

 

yenson: that also works

 

britney: hey what about the rest of us champions

 

britney: because surely if EVERY OTHER champion is in it now we should be too

 

keke: oh we don't have everyone in it

 

keke: i mean apart from those who are obviously no longer with us

 

keke: we kicked p*quet out last year

 

britney: omg great

 

britney: so can we please join

 

keke: fine.

 

britney:

 

ham:

 

yenson:

 

seb:

 

maximus:

 

dannyric: that's them joined

 

dannyric: i can see on maxy's phone

 

sharl: they're never coming back now are they

 

dannyric: doubt it

 

yuki: my adoptive parents have just abandoned me for a bunch of old men. what the fuck.

 

sharl: mine too yuki :(

 

yuki:

 

yuki: we should become friends charles

 

yuki: in solidarity 

 

sharl:

 

sharl: ok 

 

yuki: really?

 

sharl: yeah :>

 

sharl: <3 ?

 

yuki: <3 !!

 

sharl: :D

 

yuki: let's hug

 

sharl: ok :)

 

yuki: ＼（＾○＾）人（＾○＾）／

 

maximus: what the fuck did i just witness

 

dannyric: i don't actually know

 

porridge: look

 

porridge: the world champions are gone for not even two seconds and world peace has already been achieved

 

porridge: being without them is not so bad 

 

webman: ISN'T IT?

 

webman: ISN'T IT VALTTERI? MY FELLOW NUMBER 2 DRIVER?

 

webman: ISN'T IT WONDERFUL THAT THEY CAN JOIN THAT GROUP CHAT AND WE CAN'T?

 

webman: ISNT IT JUST FUCKING BRILLIANT?!?:!

 

porridge: ok i take back what i said. without seb that world peace is very short lived.

 

pastry: mark come on let's leave

 

webman: YOU GUYS REMEMBER MULTI 21?

 

pastry: yes of course they remember multi 21 mark now come on let's leave

 

webman: AHDHJSKXJOWJDJQKJEJISN

 

error code 404: webman and pastry left the chat

 

albono: did oscar really just "come on grandpa let's get you to bed" mark?

 

let's go lando: i think he did yeh

 

albono: wow lmao

 

porridge: it's probably for the best anyway

 

albono: why?

 

porridge: well because otherwise i'd have had to tell mark about the number 2 driver group chat we have that he isn't in

 

albono: WHAT

 

porridge: yeah we have a chat for all the drivers who were teammates to a world champion the year they won but never won it themselves

 

porridge: it's mainly just rubens barrichello and david coulthard exchanging stories from the 90s

 

porridge: felipe also chats with the italians in italian sometimes as a way to practice it and keep the language up 

 

sharl: that is 

 

sharl: INSANE

 

yuki: is checo in the chat?

 

porridge: yes

 

yuki: tell him i miss him

 

porridge: will do

 

yuki :)

 

sharl:

 

porridge: 

 

 gr63: 

 

yuki: 

 

dannyric: 

 

maximus: 

 

mick: 

 

estie bestie: 

 

albono: 

 

gierre pasly:

 

zhou: 

 

sir lancelot: 

 

goatifi: 

 

formulino: 

 

smooth operator: can we please discuss that fact that nico speaking spanish and therefore having been able to understand fernando's messages in spanish all this time means that my existence in the group chat is entirely pointless given the only reason i was added was so that i could translate for him

 

sharl: no <3

 

let's go lando: lo siento babes <3

 

smooth operator: fuck you :(

Chapter 109: the formulino

formulino left the chat

 

Notes:

rip formulino <3

Chapter 110: the return

sharl: i really miss seb and kimi

 

yuki: and jenson and fernando

 

albono: george misses lewis

 

gr63: NO I DONT:!!/!/!;??3?2?

 

dannyric: you know they didn't actually leave right

 

sharl: huh

 

dannyric: and max says the world champion's chat is a bit shit

 

dannyric: so they're gonna come back

 

sharl: oh

 

yuki: YAY

 

gr63: RAHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!/!:!;!/!!:!/!/!/!

 

albono: ...

 

gr63: i mean erm

 

gr63: i am a normal amount of excited!

 

albono: there you are

 

ham: hey guys

 

britney: hello

 

gr63: HEY LEWIS

 

ham: hi?

 

britney: do i not get a hi

 

gr63: oh hey nico...

 

britney: hey yourself mr. lanky ass softboy core beanpole

 

gr63: WHY AM I BEING ATTACKED

 

albono: because you deserve it x

 

gr63: maybe i SHOULD'VE agreed to that second date with heikki

 

albono: WHAT

 

dannyric: should we contact his wife atp or...?

 

seb: hello everyone 

 

nando: hola

 

yenson: hi

 

bwoah: what is up

 

sharl: KIMI WHO TAUGHT YOU THAT

 

bwoah: jackie stewart

 

nando: he is so cool 

 

seb: BUT NOT AS COOL AS...

 

ham:

 

britney:

 

sharl:

 

nando:

 

gr63: 

 

porridge:

 

smooth operator:

 

maximus:

 

dannyric:

 

yuki:

 

mick:

 

estie bestie:

 

albono:

 

gierre pasly:

 

sir lancelot:

 

goatifi:

 

seb: the iceman.

 

bwoah: bwoah

 

seb: i have tears in my eyes.

 

dannyric: that's super chill anyway is max back

 

maximus: yes

 

dannyric: MAXYYYYYYY

 

dannyric: don't ditch us all for world champions again.

 

maximus: noted

 

dannyric: :D

 

maximus: >:D

 

dannyric: <3

Chapter 111: the painting date

sharl: guys

 

sharl: is anyone free tonight

 

gr63: ...is pierre not?

 

yuki: NO BECAUSE HES HANGING OUT WITH ME

 

yuki: MWAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAH

 

yenson: nando

 

yenson: nando why is yuki cackling like an evil maniac

 

nando: i 

 

nando: mierda

 

nando: i do not know

 

yenson: yuki please explain

 

yuki: NO

 

yuki: MWAHAHAHAHHAH

 

yenson: fuck

 

yenson: nando did you let him have too many sweets again

 

nando: no i swear i told him one packet of haribos and then that's it for the day

 

yenson: ONE SMALL SIZED PACKET OR WAS IT SHARE SIZED

 

nando: I DONT KNOW I CANT REMEMBER

 

yenson: FUCK NANDO WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO

 

sharl: GUYS I CAN EXPLAIN

 

yenson:

 

nando:

 

yenson:

 

nando: oh

 

yenson: please do

 

sharl: in light of me and yuki's newfound friendship

 

sharl: i decided that maybe it would be good for him  and pierre to hang out together more

 

sharl: NOT THAT I CONTROL WHO PIERRE HANGS OUT WITH

 

sharl: I JUST THOUGHT MAYBE THEY DONT HANG OUT AS MUCH AS YUKI WOULD LIKE

 

sharl: which is probably because yuki wants to hang out with him all the time but tHAT'S NOT THE POINT

 

sharl: SO I TOLD PIERRE TO GO HANG OUT WITH YUKI TONIGHT

 

yenson: ok and?

 

sharl: there's a slight problem

 

sharl: we had booked to go on one of those art class dates where you paint together

 

ham: cute idea

 

sharl: thank you lewis i thought of it myself

 

ham: d'you know what isn't cute though

 

sharl: what

 

ham: nico

 

britney: >:(

 

ham: anyway charles continue

 

britney: i hate you 

 

ham: <3

 

sharl:

 

sharl: so anyway

 

sharl: i need someone to come with me

 

gr63: well i actually have a surprising amount of experience when it comes to going on dates with people who are both taken and i also have no intention of dating

 

albono: heikki is such a fucking real one

 

ham: #heikki4life

 

gr63: anyway

 

gr63: so as much as i dislike you charles i will volunteer as tribute if i have to

 

sharl: ok great thank you very much merci beaucoup let's get going

 

dannyric: someone's eager

 

sharl: no it's just that we're going to be late if we don't go right now

 

gr63: wait

 

gr63: NOW?

 

gr63: i thought you said it was tonight

 

sharl: i changed my mind

 

gr63: but i thought you said it was already booked...?

 

sharl: WE DONT HAVE TIME FOR TECHNICALITIES GEORGE CAN YOU COME WITH ME OR NOT

 

gr63: NO IM OUT WITH ALEX RIGHT NOW

 

sharl: DOING WHAT

 

albono: shopping for designer gucci bags and prada jumpers xx

 

sharl: i don't believe you

 

albono: yeah no we're actually at b&q trying to buy a barbecue

 

sharl: WHY DO YOU NEED A BARBECUE

 

gr63: TO HOST FAMILY COOKOUTS

 

sharl: oh my GOD

 

sharl: vous êtes INSUPPORTABLES

 

sharl: can literally anyone else come with me

 

sharl: i am socially awkward and would really just like to paint

 

seb: given you consider me a parental figure i'm going to opt out

 

nando: el autor acaba de darse cuenta de lo incómodo que debe ser esto para los aficionados de sebchal

 

smooth operator: quién es "el autor" y qué carajo es sebchal

 

nando: nando: no te preocupes por eso. de hecho, la propia autora ha leído ocasionalmente algún fic de Sebchal, así que... esto se está poniendo muy incómodo, sigamos adelante.

 

sharl: i'm very confused can we please move on

 

smooth operator: yes i think that's probably for the best

 

sharl: alright

 

sharl: anyone else?

 

dannyric: i'd love to charlie but i am in fact preoccupied

 

sharl: doing what

 

maximus: i'm teaching him how to operate a forklift

 

sharl:

 

sharl:

 

sharl:

 

sharl: WHY DO YOU KNOW HOW TO OPERATE A FORKLIFT

 

maximus: THE TECHNICALITIES ARE IRRELEVANT CHARLES REMEMBER

 

sharl: right fuck okay

 

sharl: seriously is no one else free

 

bwoah: i am in the same boat as sebastian

 

sharl: why are you on a boat

 

seb: charles that's not-

 

yenson: i'm busy sitting at home praying to god yuki doesn't kidnap a frenchman

 

nando: me too

 

mick: me three

 

yenson: what

 

mick: oh what sorry ignore me

 

let's go lando: me and carlos are watching keeping up with the kardashians

 

smooth operator: yes

 

let's go lando: it's great

 

zhou: i'm in finland

 

sharl: ok and i'm charles leclerc what's your point?

 

zhou: 🖕 

 

sharl: fuck you

 

porridge: i am in finland as well teaching zhou how to cycle up mountains

 

yenson: YUKI IS QUIVERING IN FEAR VALTTERI WHY DID YOU HAVE TO BRING UP FINNISH MOUNTAINS

 

porridge: it's not like i'm kimi 

 

porridge: i'm not going to drag him up halti and leave him there

 

yenson: YES BUT YUKI DOESNT KNOW THAT

 

yuki: i am but a sweet innocent child 

 

yenson: SEE?

 

yuki: although i have broken the law on numerous occasions 

 

yenson: 

 

yenson: 

 

yenson: i'm going to pretend you didn't say that

 

mASSa: he gets it from his father

 

yenson: what the fuck felipe

 

yenson: are you implying i'm a criminal

 

mASSa: no i'm implying fernando is

 

nando: CHE COSA?

 

nando: NEVER IN MY LIFE-

 

nando: [i saw a defence like esteban today]

 

nando: -HAVE I BROKEN THE LAW. NEVER.

 

estie bestie: >:(

 

britney: hey stop copying me

 

ham: yeah stop copying nico

 

estie bestie: :(

 

mASSa: sei un gran bugiardo

 

nando: in realtà nessuno te l'ha chiesto

 

sharl: adoro parlare italiano!

 

porridge: hey look all that practice felipe's been doing has payed off

 

porridge: well done felipe!

 

mASSa: we're not friends valtteri.

 

zhou: ALRIGHT MR. 2008 LAWSUIT MAN

 

zhou: SQUARE UP THEN WILL YOU

 

zhou: FIGHT ME GO ON

 

mASSa: what is happening

 

zhou: AN ENEMY OF VALTTERI IS AN ENEMY OF ME

 

let's go lando: wait omg i forgot zhou went to school in like sheffield

 

let's go lando: were you a roadman?

 

let's go lando: because i was a roadman 

 

gr63: no you weren't lando you were the most unthreatening girlypop short arse known to man

 

let's go lando: you're mean

 

let's go lando: but not wrong!

 

mASSa: hey guys this is a lovely convo but i'm just gonna do what i came to do then leave...

 

zhou: alright do it then

 

mASSa: hey fernando

 

nando: yes?

 

mASSa: crashgatesaywhat

 

nando: what?

 

mASSa: HA!

 

error code 404: mASSa left the chat

 

nando: QUEL FIGLIO DI PUTTANA-

 

yenson: okayyyyy let's steer the conversation back to a safer place

 

zhou: yeah that's probably for the best

 

zhou: violence is never the answer 😔

 

sharl:

 

sharl:

 

sharl: oh my god anyway

 

sharl: i still don't have anyone to go painting with me

 

zhou: sucks to suck 🤷‍♀️ 

 

britney: i quite enjoy it actually

 

ham: NOT WHAT HE MEANT NICO

 

sharl: seriously guys don't traumatise me rn

 

sharl: i just need someone to go with me

 

estie bestie: i'm free all day if you want

 

sharl: ...

 

sharl: i still don't have anyone to go with me

 

estie bestie: uh RUDE

 

mick: yeah charles that's so mean

 

sharl: not my problem

 

seb: charles, go with esteban.

 

sharl: WHAT WHY

 

sharl: HE'S LITERALLY MY BOYFRIEND'S EX

 

seb: he also used to be YOUR friend.

 

seb: right esteban?

 

estie bestie: yeah i guess

 

sharl: UGH

 

sharl: fine.

 

sharl: come on then esteban let's go 

 

estie bestie: i swear i'm good at drawing 

 

sharl: je m'attends à des ragots complets sur ce qui se passe entre toi et mick, mick et yuki, et toi et lance.

 

estie bestie: je regrette mes choix de vie.

 

sharl: good!

 

estie bestie: >:(

 

sharl: let's go !!!!!!!!

Chapter 112: the wine and cheese

seb: charles, esteban - how did the painting go?

 

sharl:

 

estie bestie:

 

sharl: ...it was really fun actually

 

seb: see! i told you you'd get along!

 

seb: how was the actual painting itself?

 

sharl: oh no that was shit

 

sharl: i discovered that maybe piano is my one creative calling and i should just leave it at that

 

sharl: but i had fun talking shit about you all and drinking fancy wine

 

ham: i think you and nico would get on well charles

 

sharl: how come

 

yenson: CHARLES YOU SHOULD COME TO WINE AND CHEESE NIGHT

 

sharl: WHAT THE FUCK IS WINE AND CHEESE NIGHT

 

yenson: ME BRITNEY AND SEB

 

yenson: HAVE WINE AND CHEESE AND SHIT TALK EVERYONE LIKE ONCE EVERY FOUR YEARS

 

ham: YOU DO????????

 

britney: YES

 

seb: YES

 

sharl: ok i will come to the next one

 

yenson: great it's in four years

 

sharl: i will have forgotten by then

 

seb: i'll remind you

 

sharl: thank you seb :)

 

seb: :)

 

seb: anyway please continue telling me about your not a date painting night 

 

estie bestie: it was so fun

 

sharl: oui

 

seb: so you don't hate each other anymore?

 

sharl: no i wouldn't say so

 

estie bestie: yeah i think we are friends again :)

 

sharl: :)

 

yuki: OMG CHARLES THATS ANOTHER ONE OF YOUR ENEMIES YOU'VE BECOME FRIENDS WITH

 

yuki: hey esteban maybe we should be friends because we are both ex-enemies of charles

 

mick:

 

mick:

 

mick:

 

yuki: esteban?? what do you think?

 

mick: YUKI LOOK THERE'S A BUTTERFLY

 

yuki: WHERE????:?:??;?:?/?:??:?

 

mick kicked estie bestie from the chat

 

yuki: i don't see anything

 

mick: oh haha sorry maybe it was just a trick of the light haha 

 

yuki: if you say so...

 

seb: 

 

seb:

 

seb: KIMI

 

bwoah: olen jo matkalla hätäkokoukseen, sinun ei tarvitse kertoa minulle.

 

seb: good good

 

seb:

 

bwoah:

 

seb:

 

bwoah:

 

mick: ??

 

seb: simi secret emergency meeting over.

 

seb: we can recommence normal conversation now.

 

mick: okay???

 

mick: weird...

Chapter 113: the francium in the bathtub

gr63: guys

 

let's go lando: wot

 

gr63: ....

 

gr63: i have a problem

 

let's go lando: okay?

 

let's go lando: what's new 

 

gr63: fuck you this is actually a problem

 

let's go lando: let's hear it then

 

gr63: ...

 

gr63: nico is at mercedes and is refusing to leave

 

yenson: doesn't he do that all the time though

 

gr63: no normally he leaves if asked

 

gr63: but this time he is refusing to budge

 

yenson: BRITNEY

 

britney: yes?

 

yenson: leave mercedes

 

britney: no lmao

 

yenson: oh 

 

yenson: damn

 

yenson: i really thought that would work

 

nando: well done for trying yenson

 

yenson: thank you nando

 

yuki: i will come and drag nico away from mercedes for you george

 

sharl: since when do you like george that much

 

maximus: yeah yuki wtf

 

yuki: ITS NOT ABOUT GEORGE

 

yuki: IM DOING IT FOR MY BEST FRIEND NICO

 

gr63: YOU DONT TALK TO HIM

 

yuki: WE HAD A PICNIC TOGETHER

 

sharl: WHEN??????

 

yuki: YESTERDAY

 

yenson: britney is this true

 

britney: kinda yeah 

 

nando: YOU KIDNAPPED OUR SON??????

 

britney: NO

 

britney: HE KIDNAPPED ME

 

britney: HIM AND CARLOS

 

britney: GRABBED ME BY THE ARMS AND DRAGGED ME

 

nando: CARLOS SAINZ VÁZQUEZ DE CASTRO, EXPLICA POR QUÉ SECUESTRASTE A MI HIJO SIN DECIRME A MI NI A YENSON

 

smooth operator: ¡YUKI TE DIJO QUE ÍBAMOS A HACERLO! ESTABA AHI LO VI DECIRLE "CARLOS Y YO VAMOS A SECUESTRAR A NICO Y LLEVARLO A UN PICNIC E INTERROGARLO SOBRE MICK"

 

nando: ¿POR QUÉ NICO SABÍA ALGO SOBRE MICK?

 

smooth operator: PORQUE VA A MERCEDES TODO EL TIEMPO + LE ROBÓ EL ASIENTO A MICK EN HAAS

 

dannyric: yeah how come nico is allowed into the mercedes garage when he drives for haas now

 

britney: toto does not care

 

britney: and if guenther asks i just lie to him

 

britney: cause i cannot stand that crusty ass drive to survive merchant 

 

mick: THATS SO REAL OF YOU NICO

 

britney: THANK YOU MICK

 

mick: i <3 steiner slander 

 

seb: since when was mick such a supporter of... being mean?

 

britney: since that good for nothing aldi catalogue model fired him 

 

seb: really?

 

mick: YES

 

mick: 100%

 

britney: TOLD YOU

 

mick: YEAH NICO GETS IT

 

mick: YOU'RE A REAL ONE NICO

 

britney: THANK YOU MICK

 

mick: I'D LIKE YOU IF YOU DIDNT STEAL MY SEAT

 

britney: Toto mag mich mehr als dich.

 

mick: Ich brauche seine Zustimmung nicht.

 

seb: Ich möchte unbedingt zu dem Gespräch beitragen, da ich heutzutage nicht mehr so oft die Gelegenheit habe, Deutsch zu sprechen, aber ehrlich gesagt habe ich nichts zu sagen.

 

britney: Wir könnten über die Zeit reden, als du versucht hast, meinen Freund zu stehlen

 

seb: DU BIST BUCHSTÄBLICH WIE VOR NEUN KAPITELN ZU MEINER HOCHZEIT GEKOMMEN UND HAST GESEHEN, WIE ICH JEMAND ANDEREN GEHEIRATET HABE. WIE KANNST DU IMMER NOCH DENKEN, ICH MÖCHTE DIR LEWIS STEHLEN? DU MAGST LEWIS NICHT EINMAL DIE HÄLFTE DER ZEIT! ER KÖNNTE SO VIEL BESSER MACHEN ALS DU!!!!

 

britney: FÜR WEN ZUM TEUFEL HÄLTST DU DICH? WER HAT IHNEN DAS RECHT GEGEBEN, MEINE BEZIEHUNG ZU KOMMENTIEREN? WIE WÜRDEN SIE SICH FUHLEN, WENN ICH DAS ÜBER SIE UND KIMI SAGEN WÜRDE? ARSCHLOCH.

 

sharl: oh em gee oh no angry shouting big drama i am very scared can we pls move on

 

seb: i'm never talking to nico ever again

 

yenson: BUT WHAT ABOUT THE WINE AND CHEESE

 

seb: sorry jense i think it's over...

 

britney: i hate sebastian

 

bwoah:

 

britney: and i'm not taking that back 

 

bwoah: 

 

britney:

 

bwoah: 

 

britney:

 

ham: yeah nico's being chased right now

 

yenson: oh well

 

yenson: i don't speak german but he probably deserved it

 

mick: Eigentlich denke ich, dass Seb da der Unrecht hatte

 

yenson: Nicht jetzt, Mick.

 

sharl: CAN WE PLEASE MOVE ON IM STILL TRAUMATISED BY ALL THE SHOUTING

 

dannyric: alrighty

 

dannyric: back to nico's comments about toto and guenther

 

dannyric: jorge

 

dannyric: does toto REALLY not care?

 

gr63: no no he does

 

ham: yeah he definitely does

 

gr63: it's just that 

 

gr63: well

 

gr63: erm

 

ham: toto gets concerned about nico

 

yenson: how so?

 

ham: well

 

ham: you know nico

 

ham: he has a tendency to occasionally act as though he's a bit 

 

yenson: not of sound mind?

 

ham: i was going to say totally fucking off the rails crazy but yeah that works too

 

dannyric: way to casually insult your boyfriend

 

ham: no it's fine he's fully aware

 

gr63: too aware...

 

ham: but yeah all it means is that toto lets nico get away with ANYTHING

 

ham: like we could list examples 

 

gr63: tardiness

 

ham: unprofessionalism

 

gr63: aggravated assault 

 

ham: arson

 

gr63: treason 

 

ham: murder

 

gr63: not complimenting toto's hairstyle

 

porridge: tax evasion.

 

gr63: all of it. nico gets away with all of it

 

britney: welp what can i say guess it pays to be pretty  ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

 

yenson: britney what has actually gotten into you today you're acting so odd

 

britney: I SURVIVED A KIDNAPPING JENSON

 

britney: AND BEING CHASED BY KIMI

 

britney: (i outran him by the way)

 

bwoah: no you didn't i gave up chasing you because i could not be bothered

 

britney: shhhhh

 

britney: anyway

 

britney: WHAT DO YOU THINK A KIDNAPPING DOES TO THE MIND

 

yenson: YEAH BUT YOU WERE KIDNAPPED BY YUKI

 

yenson: HES HARMLESS

 

nando: yes it's true our yuki would not hurt a fly

 

yuki: realistically where would i find some francium to drop in a bathtub

 

britney: I WAS FORCEFULLY TAKEN FROM MY HOME AND FORCED TO HAVE A PICNIC

 

smooth operator: IT WAS A LOVELY PICNIC THOUGH

 

britney: YES BUT IT WAS ALSO TRAUMATISING

 

smooth operator: THAT IS SO CONTRADICTORY

 

sharl: oh em gee big scary word can we please all stop fUckING SHOUTING

 

yuki: seriously guys where would i find francium

 

yenson: not now yuki.

 

yuki: ITS JUST A SIMPLE QUESTION WHY WONT YOU ANSWER IT

 

maximus: FINE I WILL ANSWER YOU YUKI 

 

maximus: you can't find enough francium to drop in a bathtub because it is only found in really small quantities and anyway it's far too radioactive to last long enough to be useful for you

 

maximus: if you want to make a bath bomb i recommend caesium or a toaster or even just go to lush and that should work

 

yuki: thank you max

 

maximus: no problem 

 

yuki: SEE JENSON

 

yuki: WAS THAT SO HARD

 

dannyric: hey maxy why do you know so much about elements

 

maximus:

 

maximus:

 

maximus:

 

maximus: if you think about it the periodic table is kinda like a map

 

dannyric: i think we should book you in for a therapy session.

 

yuki: ジェンソンはクソ父親だ。

 

maximus: いいえ、裕毅あなたはただ過剰反応しているだけです、信じてください。私はひどい父親について多少のことは知っていますが、ジェンソンはには素敵に見えると言わなければなりません。彼は実際には素晴らしい父親のようです。

 

yuki: わかった....

 

maximus: 実際のところ、私たちが兄弟になったらどう思いますか？

 

yuki: WHAT

 

yuki: i love u max but no thanks

 

maximus: eh

 

maximus: worth a shot

 

nando: no dejaría que este stroopwafel se acercara a veinte metros de mi hijo.

 

maximus: STROOPWAFEL??

 

seb: GUYS WAIT

 

sharl: WHAT

 

seb: SHHH

 

seb: DO YOU HEAR THAT

 

bwoah:

 

ham:

 

britney:

 

sharl:

 

nando:

 

gr63: 

 

porridge:

 

smooth operator:

 

maximus:

 

dannyric:

 

yuki:

 

mick:

 

estie bestie:

 

albono:

 

gierre pasly:

 

sir lancelot:

 

goatifi:

 

bwoah: button is crying

 

nando: WHY??

 

yenson: YUKI HATES ME

 

yuki: WHAT?????????????

 

yuki: NO I DONT

 

yenson: THEN WHY DID YOU SAY THAT IN JAPANESE

 

yuki: SINCE WHEN DO YOU SPEAK JAPANESE

 

yenson: SINCE I DOWNLOADED GOOGLE TRANSLATE

 

yuki: OK WELL

 

yuki: WHY DO YOU THINK I SAID IT

 

yenson: I DONT KNOW

 

maximus: (it's because you didn't answer his question)

 

yenson: NOT NOW MAX

 

yenson: yuki please

 

yenson: i'm so sorry

 

yuki: sorry isn't good enough

 

yenson: then what do i have to do to make it up to you?

 

yuki: answer my fucking questions 

 

yuki: be more like seb 

 

yuki: because he is a great parent to charles

 

yuki: when he's not watching charles sleep like a creep ofc 

 

seb: IT WASNT MEANT TO BE CREEPY IT WAS JUST PERCHANCE 

 

sharl: YOU CAN'T JUST SAY PERCHANCE

 

seb: 

 

seb: just don't bring me into this okay

 

seb: and anyway jenson why don't you ask fernando for parenting tips? surely that'd be better because he knows yuki specifically and as far as i'm aware yuki seems perfectly content with him right?

 

yuki: yeah fernando is the best

 

nando: no YUKI is the best

 

yuki: ヽ(^◇^*)/

 

yenson: alright then what do you want from me

 

yuki: i just want you to answer my questions

 

yenson: does seb answer all of charles's questions?

 

seb: absolutely!

 

sharl: why does kimi own a pair of handcuffs 

 

seb: not now charles.

 

yenson: YUKI ITS FINE IM SORRY I WILL ANSWER ALL OF YOUR QUESTIONS FROM NOW ON

 

yuki: good

 

yuki: 

 

yenson:

 

yuki:

 

yenson:

 

yuki:

 

yenson:

 

yuki: so realistically where would i get this caesium stuff that max was talking about 

 

yenson:

 

yenson:

 

yenson:

 

yenson: why don't i just take you to lush yeah?

 

yuki: oh ok!

 

yuki: i love lush!

 

yuki: but i got kicked out last time for trying to eat a bath bomb...

 

sharl: omg i did that once too

 

yuki: THEY JUST LOOK SO TASTY

 

sharl: THEY DO OMG

 

yuki: jenson why can't i eat bath bombs

 

yenson: they're inedible?

 

yuki: oh

 

yuki: could we go get food instead then 

 

yenson: of course

 

yuki: YAY

 

yuki: <3

 

yenson: <3

 

nando: gracias a Dios. estaba realmente preocupado de que mi familia estuviera a punto de desmoronarse.

 

seb: that would just suck 2 be u wouldn't it

 

britney: SEB YOU TRIED TO BE A HOMEWRECKER

 

seb: NO LEWIS DID

 

ham: NO I DID NOT

 

britney: you did actually lewis

 

ham: YOURE SUPPOSED TO HAVE MY BACK

 

britney: YEAH WELL WHAT IF I DONT

 

yenson: yuki yUki let's get going??/?:?:?;??

 

yuki: yes let's run

 

britney: AHEHHDHSUHQBDJAHDYAYQ

 

ham: AHDHAHHDHQHDF

Chapter 114: the mortal peril

sharl: erm

 

sharl: guys

 

ham: there is literally no need to say "erm" this is texting

 

sharl: yes but it adds to the ambience

 

ham: of what?

 

sharl: ...my words?

 

ham: right ok but your words are not a fancy candlelit restaurant they do not need to have ambience

 

sharl: yes but you need to understand how i am feeling! 

 

sharl: texting as a form of communication does not have things like facial expressions

 

sharl: so how will you know my mood if i do not include things like 'erm'

 

ham: 

 

ham:

 

ham:

 

yenson: i mean the kid does make a good point lewis

 

ham: you have thought about this WAY too much charles

 

sharl: thank you

 

ham: wasn't a compliment...?

 

gr63: i don't think it's often that charles gets told he's been thinking too much

 

dannyric: yeah i've heard thoughts are bit of a rarity for him

 

gr63: let alone TOO many

 

yuki: yeah charles is dumb as fuck

 

dannyric:

 

gr63:

 

dannyric: ok now yuki i think you're taking it a bit far 

 

yuki: WHAT SO YOU GUYS CAN INSULT HIM BUT I CAN'T

 

yenson: i thought you and charles were friends now?

 

yuki: we are

 

yenson: then why are you being mean to him

 

yuki: FRIENDLY BANTER

 

nando: yuki i don't think that is what banter is

 

yuki: what would you know 

 

yenson: HEY

 

yenson: fernando knows loads of things!

 

mASSa: indeed he does

 

yenson: felipe?

 

mASSa: knewcrashgatewasgoingtohappensaywhat 

 

nando: what

 

mASSa: HA

 

error code 404: mASSa left the chat

 

yenson: well that was weird

 

sharl: anyway guys can we please get back to what i was saying

 

britney: yeah guys you're disrupting the ambience

 

ham: WHAT AMBIENCE

 

britney: THE AMBIENCE OF PERIL LEWIS. 

 

ham: WHO SAYS HE'S IN PERIL??????

 

britney: HE DID

 

ham: NO HE LITERALLY DIDNT 

 

britney: "erm" SIGNALS DISCOMFORT

 

ham: YEAH BUT IS IT NOT A BIT OF A LEAP TO GO FROM MILD DISCOMFORT TO MORTAL PERIL???

 

britney: okay now don't get ahead of yourself

 

britney: no one said anything about the peril being mortal

 

sharl: is now a good time to say i do not know what peril is

 

yenson: how privileged of you

 

sharl: no i mean the literal definition of the word

 

yuki: dictionaries are free

 

sharl: no they're literally not???

 

yuki: ONLINE DICTIONARIES

 

sharl: WHY ARE WE TALKING ABOUT DICTIONARIES WHEN I HAVE SOMETHING TO SAY

 

zhou: bro thinks we care about what he has to say 😹😹

 

sharl: FUCK YOU 

 

ham: PLEASE JUST SAY WHATEVER IT IS

 

sharl: OKAY

 

sharl: *deep breath*

 

ham:

 

ham: why do i do this to myself   

 

britney: you regularly willingly enjoy worse 

 

ham: when

 

britney:

 

ham:

 

britney: 

 

ham: fuck you 

 

 britney: <3

 

yenson: please for the love of god never elaborate on what you mean by this

 

britney: oh i'll gladly leave it up to your imagination 

 

yenson: i'm fine thanks x

 

nando: yes he is not going to be thinking about you and hamilton ROSBERG

 

yenson: prefiero pensar en ti babes <3

 

nando: <333

 

yuki: i am RIGHT HERE

 

sharl: GUYS

 

ham: JUST SAY THE THING

 

sharl:

 

sharl:

 

sharl:

 

sharl: help

 

ham: oh

 

ham: that's it?

 

ham: bit anticlimactic 

 

seb: CHARLES WHAT'S WRONG HOW CAN I HELP ARE YOU HURT? OH NO OH FUCK YOU'RE NOT OKAY AREN'T YOU? FUCK. TELL ME YOU'RE OKAY?

 

ham: jesus fuck never mind 

 

ham: i stand corrected

 

sharl: SEB I AM MOSTLY OKAY CALM DOWN

 

seb: oh

 

seb: okay

 

seb: phew

 

seb: WAIT WHAT DO YOU MEAN BY MOSTLY

 

sharl: I AM OKAY I MEAN THAT I AM OKAY

 

seb: oh

 

seb: okay

 

seb: phew

 

britney: why do you need help then

 

gr63: nico this is charles we're talking about

 

gr63: why do you even need to ask that question

 

sharl: >:(

 

sharl: i'm stuck in a chair

 

seb: WHAT

 

gr63: and here was me worried you'd killed a man

 

dannyric: mamaaaaaaaa just killed a maaaan

 

maximus: do you need help hiding the body?

 

dannyric: WHAT

 

dannyric: i mean

 

dannyric: is it bad that i'm weirdly enamoured by the fact you offered 

 

gr63: i think we've established by now that your relationship can be summed up as 'max says something weird that would concern most people yet somehow daniel seems to find it endearing'

 

dannyric: fair enough

 

maximus: so am i bringing my shovel or not

 

dannyric: WHY DO YOU HAVE A SHOVEL??

 

maximus: GARDENING????

 

dannyric: YOU GARDEN???

 

maximus: no 

 

maximus: i lied

 

dannyric: oh

 

dannyric: why

 

maximus: just felt like it

 

dannyric: oh ok

 

maximus:

 

dannyric:

 

maximus:

 

dannyric:

 

maximus:

 

dannyric: so anyway charles is STUCK IN A FUCKING CHAIR?

 

seb: charles, how has this happened?

 

sharl: well i was sitting on the chair

 

gr63: i'm told that is how most chair related incidents start

 

albono: by WHO

 

gr63: lando?

 

albono: oh

 

albono: yeah okay checks out 

 

let's go lando: i fully believe that chairs are gremlins in disguise

 

yenson: i dread to imagine how you react when you spill water on one then

 

let's go lando: what

 

yenson: oh fuck you're young aren't you

 

let's go lando: what's that got to with the price of fish

 

yenson: mierda 

 

let's go lando: im so confused rn 

 

gr63: what's new

 

let's go lando: >:(

 

sharl: GUYS i am IN a chair PLEASE stop talking about random things and fucking HELP ME

 

seb: ...charles?

 

sharl: yeah?

 

seb: please clarify what you mean by IN a chair

 

ham: oh charles doesn't know the meaning of words so i wouldn't bother asking him

 

sharl: SHUT UP

 

sharl: I AM LIKE STUCK IN THE OPEN BIT AT THE BACK

 

sharl: BETWEEN THE SEAT AND THE BACKREST

 

sharl: I TRIED TO CRAWL THROUGH IT AND GOT STUCK

 

seb:

 

seb:

 

seb:

 

seb:

 

seb: i don't want to do the thing

 

ham: what thing

 

bwoah: i will do it for you sebi don't worry

 

bwoah: (sebastian is facepalming right now)

 

seb: awh kimi thank you

 

ham:

 

ham: kimi you and i may not always see eye to eye but right now you are my hero

 

bwoah: and you are still my attempted homewrecker hamilton so don't get too comfortable 

 

britney: ALRIGHT RAIKKONEN SQUARE UP

 

britney: DO YOU WANT TO FIGHT?

 

bwoah: opettele väittelemään kanssani ensin suomeksi ja ehkä harkitsen sitä.

 

porridge: ollakseni rehellinen, hän kysyi kohteliaasti.

 

britney: fick dich je peux littéralement parler cinq langues y ya hemos discutido del motivo per cui non parlo finlandese

 

dannyric: congratulazioni per aver regalato ai lettori un incubo da tradurre!

 

sharl: GUYS

 

sharl: STOP ARGUING 

 

sharl: LITERALLY NO ONE CARES

 

seb: charles just stay still i'm on my way over

 

sharl: you say that like i could move if i wanted to

 

seb: look i'm here now what do you need me to do

 

sharl: break the chair?

 

seb: *WHack*

 

sharl: JESUS CHRIST

 

yenson: what did he do?

 

sharl: HE JUST KARATE CHOPPED THE CHAIR

 

seb: it's a secret talent of mine

 

yenson: what karate chopping chairs

 

seb: no just breaking things in general

 

yenson: like fragile things or...?

 

seb: records preferably 

 

yenson: i see

 

maximus: that's actually my job now!

 

seb: did i ask?

 

maximus: no but i fucking answered didn't i

 

sharl: um

 

sharl: anyway

 

sharl: thank you for saving me seb

 

seb: of course.

 

ham: OH WAIT I GET IT NOW

 

sharl: get what

 

ham: the function of the "um"

 

ham: it communicates the collective discomfort!

 

sharl: yes!!!

 

britney: wow lewis look at you character developing

 

seb: does this mean you're okay with my use of asterisks now?

 

ham: absolutely not

 

seb: *looks sad*

 

ham: AJDHSHHXJAMXN

Chapter 115: the request

dannyric added hulk to the chat 

 

dannyric: hey mate why'd you want me to add you to the chat

 

hulk: i have a request to make.

 

dannyric: oh

 

dannyric: bit formal but ok

 

hulk: nico

 

sharl: omo he's in his pokémon era

 

maximus: did you just fucking say "omo"

 

sharl: uwu 

 

maximus: ㅎㅡㅎ

 

sharl: anyway why is hulkenberg saying his own name like a pokémon 

 

hulk: i'm trying to talk to other nico

 

sharl: ah that makes a lot more sense

 

britney: WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME 

 

ham: geez man why so scared

 

britney: THAT IMPOSTER

 

ham: huh??????

 

hulk: he thinks i'm trying to replace him at haas

 

britney: WHAT NO I DONT HAHAHAHAHAH WHY ON EARTH WOULD I THINK THAT

 

hulk: perhaps because that is what i'm trying to do

 

britney: oh

 

britney: WHAT 

 

britney: NO 

 

britney: YOU CANT

 

hulk: yes i can

 

britney: NO YOU CANT

 

hulk: it was literally never even meant to be you in the first place

 

britney: WHAT NO IT WASNT HAHHAHAHAH WHAT MAKES YOU SAY THAT

 

ham: nico we were all there we all saw guenther sign you by accident 

 

mick: *shudders at the mention of guenther*

 

sharl: btw how do you feel now that he is gone

 

mick: 

 

 

sharl: what the fuck

 

seb: mick, are you okay?

 

mick: why would i not be?

 

seb: you attached a concerning image?

 

mick: it's literally a picture of a gay being happy though???

 

yuki: ?-??/?:!2?/?!/?3?2??/

 

gr63: guy*

 

mick: huh? oh shoot haha i misspelled it

 

yuki: ジョージ・ラッセル、背後に気をつけろよ。誓って神に誓って、お前の金玉袋を太陽に向かって殴りつけてやる.同性愛嫌悪者か何か？足首を食べてやる

 

maximus: haha george you should be WORRIED

 

dannyric: shivering your fucking timbers mate oh my

 

let's go lando: lmaooo quivering in ur cowboy boots

 

gr63: george RUSSELL fears nothing. 

 

zhou: why'd you say it like george RUSSELL 💜 🤣🤣

 

gr63: fuck you. i'm fearless

 

sharl: I DONT KNOW HOW IT GETS BETTER THAN THIS

 

maximus: YOU TAKE MY HAND AND DRAG ME HEAD FIRST FEARLESS 

 

gr63: no

 

gr63: i genuinely am not afraid of anything 

 

porridge: mercedes motorhome, room 107.

 

gr63: what about it?

 

porridge: go there.

 

gr63: ok??

 

gr63:

 

gr63:

 

gr63:

 

gr63:

 

gr63: OH GOD AH FUCK MY EYES

 

porridge: mwahahahahahha

 

sharl: valtteri evil era???

 

porridge: no. australian era :)

 

zhou: 🇦🇺🇦🇺🇦🇺🇦🇺

 

porridge: thanks buddy

 

zhou: any time bro 

 

hulk: can we please get back to my request

 

dannyric: oh yeah sure go ahead

 

hulk: Nico. I want your seat.

 

britney: NO

 

britney: NEVER

 

hulk: fine

 

hulk: i didn't think it'd have to come to this but you know

 

hulk added ayao to the chat

 

ayao: Hello?

 

ayao: What's going on?

 

britney: AYAO DONT LET HIM MAKE YOU REPLACE ME

 

ayao: Sorry? Who is this?

 

britney: ITS ME??? NICO????

 

ayao: Oh! Sorry, Nico. I didn't recognise your display name.

 

yenson: bit rude of you not to know the iconic nickname but ok

 

yuki: why is this guy texting like a robot anyway

 

ayao: Are capital letters not a thing anymore?

 

yuki: no we just don't use them

 

ayao: oh

 

ayao: why?

 

yuki: why the fuck would i know

 

ayao: ...right

 

hulk: anyway ayao please sign me

 

britney: NO DONT DO IT

 

britney: DONT LET THEM TAKE ME AWAY

 

ayao: let who take you away?

 

britney: THEM

 

ayao: nico, you're concerning me. are you okay?

 

britney: NO IM NOT FUCKING OKAY HULKENBERG IS TRYING TO STEAL MY SEAT

 

ayao: um could someone please remove nico from the chat for a second

 

ham kicked britney from the chat

 

ham: gladly!

 

ayao: thanks

 

ayao: now serious question - is nico okay?

 

ham: no

 

yenson: absolutely not

 

nando: yes he is a bit cuckoo

 

ayao: i see. 

 

ayao: i think i will have to fire him on safety grounds. i'm worried his current mental state isn't indicating an ability to safely drive a formula one car. 

 

hulk: i totally agree.

 

ayao: what are the rest of your thoughts?

 

seb: i personally think nico is definitely sane enough to keep his seat

 

nando: well nobody asked for your opinion sebastian

 

seb:

 

nando:

 

seb: 

 

nando:

 

yenson: why do i hear barking

 

sharl: OH FUCK THATS KIMI

 

ayao:

 

ayao: i'm not even going to question that

 

seb: yes please don't 

 

ayao: look just- it's official. rosberg is fired.

 

ham: FR???

 

ham: EVERYBODY CELEBRATE

 

seb: lewis you do realise that if nico gets fired it just means he'll have more time to spend with you

 

ham: 

 

ham:

 

ham: shit you're right

 

ayao: is that a bad thing????

 

ham: ehhhhhhhh

 

ham: depends when and why you're asking me

 

ayao: 

 

ayao: do i want to know?

 

yenson: no trust me you really do not

 

gr63: I CAN CONCUR

 

ayao: anyway - who should i get to replace nico?

 

hulk: me!!!!!!

 

ayao: you know what nico, i think you would actually be a really good fit at haas. i'll sign you!

 

hulk: (read in voice of german kid who was really excited to play fortnite und drink cola) YIPPEE!!!!! 

 

ayao: right ok here's the papers just sign here

 

hulk: there you go!

 

hulk: signed

 

ayao: great!

 

hulk: AH FUCK I SLIPPED

 

ayao: what?

 

hulk: I SLIPPED AND SPILLED INK ON MY SIGNATURE

 

hulk: NOW ITS RUINED

 

ayao: i'm sure it's still legible-

 

ayao: wait

 

ayao: why does it look like it says...?

 

ham:

 

seb:

 

sharl:

 

nando:

 

yenson:

 

gr63:

 

maximus:

 

dannyric:

 

smooth operator:

 

let's go lando:

 

mick:

 

yuki:

 

estie bestie:

 

gierre pasly:

 

albono:

 

sir lancelot:

 

goatifi:

 

bwoah:

 

ayao: HAVE I JUST ACCIDENTALLY SIGNED KIMI RAIKKONEN?

 

seb: WHAT????? 

 

bwoah: mwahahahah

 

seb: KIMI????

 

bwoah: MWAHAHHAHAHHAHAH

 

ham: im so fkn confused rn

 

ayao: i think i have to let kimi drive for haas???

 

hulk: no fucking way

 

hulk: HOW??????

 

ayao: it's written on the paper nico, i'm sorry, there's not much more i can do.

 

hulk: NO AYAO PLEASE

 

hulk: PLEASE

 

ayao left the chat

 

hulk: HOW THE FUCK DID THAT JUST HAPPEN

 

zhou: 🤷‍♀️ 

 

let's go lando: i think uve just gotta get better at the game tbh

 

hulk: 

 

hulk:

 

hulk:

 

hulk left the chat

 

let's go lando: lolsies

 

seb: ANYWAY KIMI CARE TO EXPLAIN??

 

bwoah muted the chat

 

seb: IM SO???

 

zhou: guess we'll find out eventually 🤷‍♀️