Chapter Text
Wei Wuxian was falling.
He had thought about his death before, either at other people’s hands or his own. But he never imagined it would feel like this.
He had always thought he would see his whole life in an instant. But right now all he could do was overthink his mistakes while waiting for the impact. He was convinced everyone (alive) would be better without him.
There wasn't anyone or anything left for him. He had failed his third family, his Qing-jie, a-Ning and a-Yuan, the son of his heart. He had failed his shijie, leaving poor a-Ling orphaned.
Jiang Cheng, who Wuxian was disappointed in but still cared about, hated him. And he was within his rights, after all Wei Wuxian was the one who made him lose everything.
And Lan Zhan, who was once his zhiji, also hated him. He was convinced the only reason he held onto his hand was out of a sense of morality or something.
The point being: all the people worth living for were either dead or hated his guts. So what was he supposed to do? Perhaps dying after all of what happened was too cowardly but he really didn’t want to stay and find out how much more damage he could do.
He closed his eyes and tried to smile. At least he could do that much, he could honor his mother’s words.
Always smile a-Ying. No matter how difficult the situation, you must stay strong.
Suddenly, his body collided with something and chills ran through him. It was terribly painful.
This is it, he thought as he let the darkness and pain engulf him. He deserved it.
🐇 🐇 🐇
He woke up to the sound of concerned voices.
"A-Xian, a-Xian, are you okay?"
Shijie? Is she welcoming me in the afterlife? No, that can't be. She was too good her whole life, she must have already reincarnated. She wouldn't be stuck wherever he was.
"Wei Wuxian! What the hell is wrong with you? Are you hungover or something?"
Jiang Cheng? He sounds... worried? He would like to think is worry but didn’t he hate him?
Wait, is Jiang Cheng dead too!? That couldn’t be, right?
"Da-shixiong! Are you awake? Here, take some water"
That actually got his complete attention. What the fuck?
Perhaps this is a spiritual realm while they wait for reincarnation. Otherwise why would third shidi be here?
But I don’t deserve to be here so why am I?
He slowly opened his eyes and shut them again immediately at the sight of his shijie's worried face. No, he corrected himself, of Jiang Yanli's face. He didn't have any rights to treat her so familiarly anymore.
"A-Xian? Are you crying? Are you hurt somewhere?"
How was his shi- Jiang Yanli so nice after he was the reason her husband died? the reason her son was orphaned?
“A-Xian, please tell us what’s wrong.” She pleaded, putting her hand on his shoulder.
Wei Wuxian couldn’t take it anymore and started sobbing.
“I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.”
Jiang Yanli looked startled. “What are you sorry for?”
“It’s my fault, everything it’s my fault. You shouldn’t be here receiving me I should have gone straight to dìyù”
“Wei Wuxian, what are you talking about?” demanded Jiang Ch- Wanyin.
Wuxian still cared about his ex-shidi, he considered him his little brother since they met, but that didn’t mean he wasn’t angry at the man. He could have just killed him to get justice for his sister, but he decided to slay the innocent too. He met them, he knew they were only elderly, weak adults and a child. His child.
“What are you even doing here!?” He shouted at the Jiang sect leader. “I did everything to help you live, did you waste it?”
Everyone looked at him like he was crazy.
“He’s sputtering nonsense, er-shixiong is this a qi deviation?” Asked fourth shidi.
He was about to retort that souls without bodies could not have qi deviations but the next comment made him think twice.
"He's not. His qi is stable"
Qi? That was impossible.
First, he stopped having a traceable qi when he gave his core away. Second, even if he had it still, he would not be able to feel it while dead.
Wuxian realized his head started to hurt. Are dead people supposed to feel pain? or any physical sensation for that matter?
Wait a second.
He focused and tried to reach his lower dantian, the place where his golden core used to be. As soon as he felt it he choked on air, literally. He found a warm familiar energy there.
"A-Xian!"
This wasn't right. This couldn’t be the afterlife. Is it a dream?
No, not even in his most lucid or wildest dreams did he ever feel the warmth of his own spiritual energy again. It was impossible, everyone knew that was the key to get out of a false illusion. If you try to channel spiritual energy and fail then you are either dreaming or trapped in an illusion, probably from a yao.
Wuxian focused on his surroundings. There were trees and birds, even a market with a few people strolling from stall to stall. More importantly, everyone had clear faces, if there was any doubt this could be a dream or illusion then that ruled it out.
Then he paid attention to the people he knew. Now that he looked closer, everyone was younger than they were when they died. His shidis were about 3 or 4 years younger than the last time he saw them.
And the Jiang siblings were younger too. His ex-shidi looked 15 years old again.
Just what is happening?
The only other explanation he could come up with was unthinkable. If he was right then, somehow, he had time traveled to a time where he was still head disciple, his shijie Jiang Yanli was alive and Jiang Cheng the Jiang sect leader (future sect leader?) didn't hate him yet, at least not as much.
He couldn't help but laugh loudly, hysterically, at the realization. Of course life wouldn't be done with him. He couldn't just die, no, he had to suffer the same life all over again.
Wuxian guessed it was somewhat fair, he must pay for every sin he committed. He just didn’t think it would be like this.
A slap in his shoulder got him out of his state of panic.
"What are you laughing at? Was this a prank? If it was, I'll break your legs! You’re making us late."
Finally finding his voice, Wei Wuxian answered.
"Late?" He resolved to act like everything was fine. The less questions they asked him the better.
"We are going to Cloud Recess, a-Xian, did you forget?"
Ah, so it was that time of his life, when he met Lan Zhan. Perhaps it was destiny telling him that it was best they never met. He would just be a terrible stain on Hanguang-jun's reputation, again.
"Ah yes, I remember." Trying to act like his old self was terribly difficult when he couldn’t even bring himself to smile. "I'm sorry, I thought I saw... a dog" even lying about it felt dreadful.
"There's no dogs, dipshit. Did you fainted just for that?"
"a-Cheng." Jiang Yanli chastised him. "Don't worry, a-Xian there are no dogs anymore. We can resume our trip."
"Thank you... Shijie." It was challenging trying to remember not to call her familiarly but it was even more so to call her shijie out loud. This Yanli didn't know he was responsible for the death of her parents, her husband’s and her own.
One of his shidis helped him up but he didn't know who. He couldn't bring himself to look at their faces anymore, not after sharing those same faces with the ghosts who haunted his worst nightmares during the war and Burial Mounds.
While they resumed their walk, he decided what he needed to do. He had to get out of their lives. No disaster would fall on them if he wasn't there.
However, leaving would be difficult when he had a life debt. The Jiangs were kind enough to take him in and he promised to serve them in return, to be their son’s right hand man. Besides, Madam Yu, for all that she wanted to get rid of him, would never allow it. She would scream at him how much like his father he was, abandoning the sect while being a mere servant.
Still, he definitely couldn't stay. So he kept formulating plans in his head while avoiding any type of contact, gaze or conversation.
He vaguely wondered if his behavior while he thought he was dead was normal for his 15 year old self, for the Jiangs to not ask him again if he was fine. He discarded those thoughts without much pondering.
It was when they arrived at the gates of Cloud Recesses that the perfect opportunity presented itself.
"You can't enter without an invitation." Exclaimed the guard at the entrance.
Of course. Last time he lived this he had to go to town and back again only to find out that they had been granted access anyway.
Wuxian could use this chance. He would pretend to go in search of the invitation and go missing. Maybe it would hurt Jiang Yanli and Jiang Wanyin a little, but they would forget him eventually. They'll realize they're better off without him, just like his ex-shidi did in the last moments of his first life.
And Lan Zhan... Lan Zhan would be fine. He would never meet him and still grow up to be the righteous Hanguang-jun, with the added benefit of not having to tolerate any pest at his side. Yes, that was the best option.
Having made a decision, he told them he would go search for the invitation and turned back to the path they came from. Except now, he would go into the inn, write a note for the owner to give them in case they searched for him, and then go to the forest and wait for the night to fall to fly as far as he could.
He thought of where to go and could only come up with a place no one would think of searching for him. A place he was long acquainted with.
The Burial Mounds, of course.
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