Chapter Text
The night had started with going to Sirius’s apartment unannounced. That was the start of this whole ordeal. Getting drunk, bumping into Regulus, both of them throwing back four shots, three that were whiskey and one that was eight proof moonshine. Regulus was too drunk to drive home so he dragged Regulus back to his flat. Because even heavily inebriated he didn’t want to leave someone who was so vulnerable alone. But more than that he hadn’t wanted to be alone. Not in his cold and empty flat.
All of that had been because he went to Sirius’s apartment and caught Sirius shagging Fabian Prewett.
He didn’t know what had gone through his mind that he thought that was a good idea. He had once believed seeing Sirius with girls was painful. But no, seeing him openly dating and shagging blokes was even worse. It made him feel like shit, often leading to him pondering on why Sirius didn’t like him. What was so wrong with him that Sirius would take interest in anyone but him. Even the cocky, arrogant violinist Fabian Prewett. If Remus was being honest he would rather slam his head against a wall continuously than be around Fabian. If Sirius was interested in a fucking walking sex disease with no brain cells. He couldn’t fathom how Sirius saw him.
It was always easier to blame it on Sirius being straight but now there was no excuse. Sure, Fabian’s looks are undeniable. He looks like something out of a men’s swimwear magazine. But his personality made everything about him ugly. That mainly was his jealousy talking but he didn’t really give a damn.
He had been trying to write all day, his editor had been on his ass for a new chapter. And of course, it was just his luck that he had writer’s block. Minerva was a wonderful woman but she was his editor and his manager but as of currently she was in editor mode which demanded one thing. Words. Usually, words flowed smoothly, slowly going up. First 100, then 500, then 1,000, and so on. But he struggled to get 300 words and the quality of his words was shite. He had tried to get out of his funk by taking a walk. He had immediately gone back inside at the bristling and bitter wind. He had called James who usually incited some creative spark in his mind. But James was only rambling on about his football practice and how it had been shite. Then he had mistakenly gone to Sirius’s. But when that failed along with everything else he went to the pub on the corner of his street. He lived in a simple flat in Hockey London. It was covered in small pubs and bars.
He had been sold on the area when his editor described it as a home to creative writers with strong community ties great food and unmatched nightlife. He had only listened to creative writers and nightlife. He had been sold. At the time he had been ghostwriting making a pretty sum. The books he ghostwrote had sold well but someone’s name was always plastered on them. So the last few months he had been trying to write his own book.
Which proved much harder than anything he had ever done so far.
At first, it had gone great, he wrote ten chapters in the first two weeks but it slowly went down from there. After that, he gave up closing his computer and plugged it into its charger. James was busy recuperating in an ice bath as he went over to Sirius’s flat. He had called but Sirius didn’t answer but that hadn’t been anything odd or out of the ordinary. Sirius had a terrible habit of losing his phone. And he would be more surprised that Sirius answered rather than not. He just spoke to Sirius a few days ago and Sirius said he was free. He didn’t have any weddings or events to work at for the next few weeks. Sirius was a pianist and damn good. His job paid spectacularly well and Sirius only had to work a few times a month.
He had taken a quick bus ride to Sirius’s flat which wasn’t more than fifteen minutes away. He had walked up to Sirius’s flat. He had a nice flat his new money from ghostwriting and a lifetime of being poor had allowed him. But it was nothing compared to Sirius’s. But then again Sirius was living at a different level than him. He wasn’t envious or angry it was just the truth. He loved his job and his flat. It was just an observation.
Sirius had given them all keys to his flat because once again Sirius often lost his keys or just had them let themselves in. He didn’t think anything of it. He should have known when the door was unlocked. His key turned without any resistance.
He had walked in his keys dropping from the floor when he stared at the sight in front of him. Sirius bent over the couch his ass in the air. As a man pounded into him from behind. He wasn’t sure how he hadn’t heard anything when he was opening the door. Both sets of eyes quickly turned on him as they scrambled to get clothed. He quickly dropped down to grab his keys and get out of there as fast as possible.
“ Fuck, Re give me a moment,” Sirius said pushing Fabian off of him so he could tug his pants on. His cock was in view now as reopened the door trying to run out. He didn’t reply he was too lost for words.
“ Shit, shit, Fabian back the fuck up for a moment” Sirius cursed as he let the door slam behind him. Seeing your best mate getting fucked from behind would be bad enough. But seeing the man you had been in love with since year nine was horrifying especially since that same man claimed to be straight.
He ran down the hall as fast as he could hoping he could catch the bus back home. He had only been there for under five minutes. He knew Fabian, the man fucking Sirius he had gone to secondary school with him. Fabian had always been cocky and arrogant. There wasn’t a kind nor genuine bone in his body.
He got out of there as fast as he could seeing the bus nearly leaving. He waved his hand running over to the bus as it halted. He ran on the bus showing his bus card as he saw Sirius dash out there in just a pair of ripped jeans. His mouth was moving probably yelling something. But he ripped his eyes away as the bus made it’s way back to the area of his flat.
That had been the last straw of his day.
Which is why he ended up at the Leaky Cauldron a popular pub down the street from his flat. The Leaky Cauldron was neither known for its cleanliness nor its cocktails. They were known for cheap whisky by the bottle. And a cheap inn upstairs above the pub. It had decent music and entertaining drunks. But Remus dealt with it. He didn’t want to walk twenty minutes down the street for shitty drunks priced like they were life-changing.
He had walked into the bar with an odd combination of rock and country blasting in his ears. The pungent smell of cheap whiskey both new and day-old filled his nose. He winced rubbing his nose as he went to sit down at the bar. His shoes sticking to the floor. He ordered three shots of whiskey. He was proud to say at twenty-three almost twenty-four he was a lightweight. But now in his near mid-twenties, it meant he paid less to get drunk and forget his worries. The air inside the pub was warm from all the bodies trickling in even at 3 in the afternoon.
“ Here you go three shots of whiskey,” the bartender said placing them in a row in front of him. The bartender didn’t ask about his day or why he was there. Everyone who came at 3 on a Monday had a problem they didn’t want to talk about. He didn’t bother asking for a chaser he had gotten used to the burn of whiskey. He threw one back the taste was harsh and unpleasant on his tongue. He had never drank because he liked the way it tasted. He liked it for one reason, for one moment he wasn’t worrying and his mind wasn’t going eighty miles per hour. The taste was more reminiscent to nail varnish than regular whiskey. He never understood those who drank for the taste of whiskey. Buying a whiskey that was over a hundred dollars per glass. But he knew this one was shitty. He may regret it tomorrow but for today he didn’t even think about the repercussions.
Alcohol never hit him slowly, the way other people described it. He didn’t feel like a balled-up ball of blankets warm and cozy. Nor did he ever feel like he was vibrating. It hit him in one moment, one minute he was sober the next he was drunk. He knew it had to do with how the endorphins were released. For most, they were released slowly as your body slowly is filled with those opioid cells. But for him, there wasn’t a damn thing subtle about it. He waited for it to hit him wanting to feel anything other than how he was. His mind went back to barging in on Sirius. Over and over his mind played it like a loop. Sirius had never outright dated a guy or come out. He had always identified with being straight. But there was nothing straight about what was happening in that flat.
He paused before taking the second shot. He sat watching the bartender bustle around, a few more people walked in. And by the time he took the second shot, it went down smoother. The music had become more tolerable the country and the rock fading together to make something almost pleasant. It left an aftertaste that was slightly less pleasant but tolerated.
Of all days his friends were all busy today. James with his after football routine. Peter with his study date with himself at the library. Marlene was working in Europe for her client in Capri. Alice and Frank had become true adults and he didn’t want to bother them. They were newly married and still in their honeymoon stage. Mary was with Lily doing who knows what. And of course, Sirius was getting shagged by Fabian Prewett. The same guy that had said he was a walking giant and Sirius a pompous tosser. He tried to convince himself that if it was with anyone else he would be ok but he knew that was a lie.
The bell on the door rang as he turned his head around to see who had walked in. A man with short perfectly cut hair walked in. He wore black trousers that fit perfectly and a simple white button-up. It was simple but something that screamed elegant and rich. He looked utterly out of place in a dingy bar as he stood there awkwardly. His hair was similar to Sirius he groaned at even thinking about the man. They made brief and rather awkward eye contact, but because of the dim light, he couldn’t see the eye color. He turned back around looking at his last shot of whiskey, he picked it up moving the glass to his lips as he drained the glass dry. At this point, he couldn’t even taste it.
The man at the door moved to sit by his as he tensed up. He was in no mood to have someone near him. He looked around seeing the man’s seats at the bar tip that were broken or covered in some type of liquid. Something about the man looked familiar like he knew him from somewhere. But it only seemed like his luck that those first two shots of whiskey seemed to hit him. Crashing into him like a load of bricks.
“ All of the seats are covered in old liquor, bodily fluids, or dent have a seat,” the man said in a cold and monotoned voice. The way he enunciated his words and spoke was proper and there was something about it that reminded him of the way the kids at his old school spoke. Hogwarts. His tone and voice were oddly familiar. Why was that? But what puzzled his tipsy mind was that the man spoke of the chairs as a statement, not a reasoning.
“ Why are you telling me that,” he asked both of them looking away ahead of them and avoiding eye contact. The man scoffed and Remus turned realizing he had yet to see the man’s eyes and what color they were. he was hoping that the color of the man’s eyes would trigger of memory of the man. Somehow explain why he felt that he knew the man.
“ So you didn’t assume that I wanted to sit next to you”
He rolled his eyes at that obtuse answer.
“ There are many other seats and out of all of them, you choose to sit next to me. So you did choose unless you want to lie. I can assure you that there’s nothing I would rather do than sit by some asshole” he replied sarcastically. And for the first time, the man turned his head their eyes meeting. Grey eyes. The only other person he knew with grey eyes like that was Sirius. And the only two people he knew with them were Sirius and his brother. Slowly his drunk mind put all the details together. The short black almost ebony hair, the obviously expensive outfit that was tailored, the smooth overly articulate voice, and the grey eyes.
The man sitting next to him was Regulus Black.
“ Regulus” he sputtered as Regulus just stood there staring at him dumbly his expression bored and uninterested.
“ Remus are we stating the most obvious facts of our identities of one another” Regulus said in a condescending tone that didn’t fail to make him feel stupid. Sirius had gotten disowned in year nine. Sirius hadn’t spoken to his parents or his brother after that. His brother had chosen here family. Sirius’s parents were famous CEOs and run an agency. They were abusive, transphobic, homophobic, xenophobic, and racist. They were overall terrible people. They called James a dirty blood because he was Indian. And called him a half-blood for his father being slightly tan, assuming he was something other than white. But being wrong. But more than that they treated their sons like property they couldn’t control.
“ Even after all these years, you’re still a pompous ass” he spat as Regulus stayed unbothered. He didn’t care to bicker with Sirius’s brother the point in this night was to think of anything but Sirius and anything that reminded him of Sirus.
“ I’m surprised that you know how to use the words pompous” Regulus replied quickly motioning for the bartender to come over. He rolled his eyes and pushed his shot glasses to the edge.
“ If your here to do this then shove off I’m here to drink my problems away and forget about your family,” he said wanting t talk with anyone, especially Sirus’s younger brother. Regulus had always done whatever Walburga and Orion wanted. to be the complete opposite of Sirius. He was surprised Regulus wasn’t spouting insults at him.
“ What problems do you have besides being in this dump at 3:35” Regulus retorted ignoring his previous comment about his family. He was just drunk enough to let his secrets slip out.
“ Your also in this dump with me, but I’m in love with your brother and walked in on someone shagging him. So fuck off and leave me alone, go suck some high society’s dick” he said as he drinks being replaced. He had put his card down and all his finks for tonight would be charged to it.
“ That’s unfortunate”
He turned to look at Regulus with a pissed-off look.
“ What’s wrong with you, how messed up do you have to be that even after all these years your still this much of a pick” a look of surprise covered Regulus’s face.
“ I got disowned”
Shock plagued his face. They disowned Sirius but Regulus was their last chance. He never thought they would lose him. By choice too. A look of confusion and a drunk person’s lack of facial dexterity covered his face.
“ Stop looking at me like that” Regulus snapped.
“ I’m not looking at you like anything you prick just shut up, drink something and sulk quietly. You’re fucking terrible at drinking your sorrows away” he said finally shutting him up. The bartender stood infant of them utterly confused. He couldn’t say he wasn’t either he hated Regulus but his presence and company weren’t terrible.
“ You have terrible people skills I bet many people have told you that but I felt it was necessary,” Regulus said as he flicked him off as he turned to the bartender.
“ Don’t talk to me” he said to Regulus.
The bartender was more lost than before and that was a striking feat.
“ He’ll have three shots of whiskey, two shots of moonshine, and a coke,” he said as he grabbed the black card Regulus had placed on the bar top to the Bartender. The bartender looked at Regulus for approval as Regulus just nodded.
“ I doubt anything here is more than twenty pounds,” he said as the bartender just walked away shaking his head. Regulus had fewer people skills than anyone. He seemed to be a raging dick to everyone and anyone around him. He was slightly worried about the people who Regulus did like.
“ When he comes back with the drinks, do everyone in this bar a favor and drink them and don’t talk again,” he said as Regulus just ignored him.
“ No wonder my brother is getting shagged by someone else,” Regulus said as his mouth hung open. He was drunk enough that it mostly went over his head. He knew he should be offended but for some reason, he really wasn’t. He would respond with something else and it would go on.
“ Your dead to me,” he said as if Regulus cared what he thought of him.
“ I’m dead to many people get behind a long list including my brother and our parents,” Regulus said humorously almost laughing at his own joke. He held in a laugh as he just shook his head.
“ That was dark” he replied simply as Regulus just shrugged like it was nothing.
“ It’s not a lie,” Regulus asked for the first time showing some intrigue in Sirius.
“ This is the last time I’m talking about him as if seeing him getting fucked in the ass wasn’t bad enough. Your not dead to him he loved you but he’s a stubborn prick and he thinks you’re a white supremacist for siding with them”
“ He’s still my brother keep those details and thoughts to yourself Lupin”
“ And I sided with them because I had nowhere to go, I didn’t have you guys like he did” Regulus added on as he choose to not respond to that. Neither of them was ready or drunk enough.
He laughed at Regulus’s serious tone, for a moment he had forgotten their relation in a way. They hadn’t spoken in nearly a decade but Sirius was still his older brother. It was odd how different they were. He wasn’t sure he ever noticed until now. He had never gotten to know Regulus. He was well-spoken in a softer way than his brother. He had a dark and dry sense of humor. He didn’t feign his jokes with a smile so it was easy to get lost when he was making one or not.
“ You really don’t like people do you?” There was a coldness in Regulus’s voice that seemed normal. Did he really just talk like that? He wasn’t one to speak he was sure. The bartender slid the shots on the ability as he slipped the shot of moonshine he ordered for himself.
“ The first people I ever met were clinical psychopaths so let’s just say my first impression of people was terrible”
His expression is blank like the notion of his family does nothing to get a rise of emotion out of him. He knew that people coped in different ways. Sirius had by calling them by their first names trying to erase any ties to them as his parents. Regulus just seems unbothered and ambivalent. He pulls the shot into his hand as he thinks of Sirius again and again. He thinks it’s inevitable when he’s around Regulus.
Regulus eyes the three shots infant of him with suspicion looking at him as if he could offer any explanation. What needed to be explained, it was liquor you drank it.
“ Take one chase it with the coke, I’m guessing you’re not used to shitty alcohol so you’re going to need it’ he said as Regulus nods. It’s almost amusing to him that even the way that Regulus throws back a shot is somehow graceful. His laugh becomes audible when Regulus gags a very perturbed expression coming to view.
He quickly went to take a large sip of the coke as his face returned to normal.
“ That should be poured out, that is going against so many health code violations I can taste it,” Regulus says pursing his lips as he burst out laughing. The night of drinking and everything that had happened crashed into him. He knew he must have looked like some type of maniac. But Regulus only looked at him like he was predictable. Like Regulus could have somehow seen this coming.
He had been in love with Sirius for a decade and Sirius was now shagging Fabian Preset. He was drunk on a Monday afternoon sitting with Sirius’s brother. His editor was going to kill him and he was sure he dint back from his work today. Even if it was shit it was something.
He downed the shot of moonshine when his laughter subsided the clear liquid feeling like fire going down his throat. And even then he swears he can feel a burning in his stomach and chest.
“ I think I’ve hit rock bottom,” he said with a sigh as Regulus snorts.
“ For once I agree if there’s something lower than this then I think you should give up”
His face turns serious for a moment, was Regulus implying what he thought he was implying.
“ Are you telling me to kill myself’ he asks.
“ I’m not telling you to do anything what you do at your own discretion on what you see fit for your own life is your choice. It’s a wonderful thing called the first amendment that many read far too deep into”
He looks at Regulus like he’s gone mad, there is no humor in his voice. And it’s one of those times he’s not sure if Regulus is joking or not.
Regulus sighs as if he is the dumbest creature in the world. “ That was a joke Lupin I’m not actually telling you to kill yourself. I’m in no better situation, christ your dense”
He’s not sure when Regulus drowned the three other shots but all his shot glasses are full. His glass with coke in it is drained dry.
“ What’s wrong with you then,” he said eyeing Regulus’s nice clothes and a watch he didn’t even want to know how much it cost.
They were both sitting there the alcohol running through their systems as words began to fail them.
“ I ran into James,” Regulus said his voice quiet.
That surprised him, he waited for Regulus to explain but after a few moments, he realized that Regulus needed some prodding to spill why that meant something. And why that put him in a bad mood. Making him go to a shitty bar to drink. But one thing stood out to him, Regulus didn’t call him Potter but James.
“ Is that your explanation you saw James and it was so horrific your now drinking here”
Regulus scowled at him as his expression softened to which Remus couldn’t tell it that way because of the alcohol or the subject. As the conversation progressed he quickly realized it was the alcohol.
“ Yes, now what was that clear liquid I have tasted shitty vodka before and it was nothing like that”
“ Moonshine,” he said not explaining further.
He wasn’t going to explain until Regulus told him. In reality, the plan was not foolproof. Regulus couldn’t give a shit. Regulus could look it up on his phone, ask the bartender, or on the small chance, he already knows what it was. Regulus quickly caught on, he wasn’t stupid that was for sure. Regulus’s scowl only depended.
He rolled his eyes and began “ when Sirius fucking left for Hogwarts for the first year I was furious. I was alone and it was as if you all had taken my brother. What was even worse was how he spoke about James. He was so great he did this they did that. It was infuriating. When I went to Hogwarts the year after I hated him even more. He was good-looking and far too nice. He was like the sun, the world revolved around it. I developed a crush and well you can fill in the rest”
He shook his head, he was shocked but he needed to hear the words from Regulus’ mouth. Regulus gritted his teeth staring t him like he was contemplating punching him across the face. He kept his face the same that just perturbed Regulus more.
“ I’m not telling you here for all these drunks to hear, you know exactly what I mean. It’s unfortunate enough as it is. I’m fucking drunk thanks to you and I drove” Regulus gritted out angrily his voice nearly the level of someone yelling. He couldn’t tell it was obviously hard for Regulus to admit this to anyone. But him having three shots of whiskey and whiskey had loosened his tongue.
“The moonshine here is 80 proof it tastes like hell but gets you drunker than hell and from your little screaming stint I would say you were in desperate need of that,” he said cooly. One upside to him as he would handle his liquor from all the heavy drinking in Uni.
What he hadn’t thought about was Regulus being in a part of town he didn’t live near he and he drove. Which seemed like a failure on his part. Who drove to get drunk. He felt a responsibility for Regulus now. He was Sirius’s younger brother. And no matter how angry he was at the moment that meant something. Besides, there was a small part of him that decided he didn’t mind Regulus. Even if he was a dick.
“ Your dead to me, I always heard you were the most tolerable one... that was a lie” Regulus bit out bitterly trying to feign anger but failed. First, he was far too drunk. And second Regulus didn’t really hate him.
“ That’s your fault for listening to everyone, Peter had always been the most tolerable to people. But I am the most tolerable towards you. Pete wouldn’t take your shit. Now come on, you drunk” Remus said moving to get up underestimating how drunk he was. He swayed slightly trying to regain a steadiness standing. Regulus furrowed his brow not moving from his seat.
“ I’m not going with you,” Regulus said in a louder tone as he rolled his eyes.
“ Well then I guess your sleeping on the street tonight princess because you’re not going to find a Uber tonight,” he said moving to walk away, a hint of fear glistening in Regulus’s eyes. His eyes were softer now looking less intimating and cold than previously. He didn’t know what time it was but the sun had begun to set. He was lucky his flat was so close. Regulus only had one option, the taxis, Uber, and cabs would all be busy. There was a concert tonight. And It was London. Hockey London.
“ Call me that again and I will smother you with a pillow,” Regulus said standing up successful but nearly tripping when he took a step. His avoidance of the comment about Ubers made him know that Regulus accepted he was right. He slowly realized that Regulus was quite drunk and possibly an emotional one. It would seem fitting since there would be nothing Regulus hated more. And why else would he drive to a shitty bar to get drunk? Which was clearly what he was trying to do.
“ Fuck I’m drunker than I thought” Regulus mumbled under his breath probably unaware that he could hear.
“ My place is down the street maybe five minutes,” he said as they both sluggishly began to walk. His eyes were getting heavy and the alcohol was turning his mind into mush. Regulus nodded hesitantly like he wasn’t sure if he was actually going to go. The wind was cold and he tried to trick his mind which failed. Regulus trailed a few feet behind him but he wasn’t about to slow down. He had a feeling Regulus needed space. When they turned the corner Regulus’s voice broke the silence.
“ Why are you doing this. Despite whatever happened you are his friend and he hates me. Why are you offering to let me stay”
He turned to look at Regulus pausing for a moment as he stopped walking.
“ Because your drunk as shite and someone could take advantage of you. I might be a dick or whatever you want to label me as. But you are still his brother and he would care if you were hurt. But more than anything Regulus you are a drunk person. I got you drunk so now I’m taking care of you. And shut up about needing help it’s what any decent person would do” he snapped.
“ I’m not talking about it,” Regulus said as he rolled his eyes again, he couldn’t help it not around the things Regulus did and said.
“ That’s fine I don’t want to talk about Sirius either but if you do I’ll listen it’s not like I don’t understand”
He opens the door into the complex and he held it open for Regulus. they walked up the flight of stairs the only noise was their footsteps. Sometimes it felt like his building was a trip back in time. It was an older building that stood the tale of time. It smelt historic like old paper and stone. It was an older building but they had redone the inside of the apartments. The halls seemed to whisper with the past. One of the reasons he hadn’t moved. He liked his space and his building. Regulus looked around as they walked up the last flight of stairs getting to the third story. His apartment was the fifth down the hall. He fished his keys from his pockets unlocking the door as he walked in.
The scent of eucalyptus and lavender filled his nose. His mum always had essential oil diffusers to help calm him and he had kept that practice with him. His flat was a simple and open concept. The kitchen is by the door on the left and the table on the left. The living room was parallel to the kitchen and the door to his room was by the bathroom left to the kitchen and down a hall. He also had a loft that he mostly used for storage. Regulus could sleep up there or on the couch.
“ Nice flat” Regulus said attempting to be nice out of obligation.
“ Stop being nice”
The one thing about shitty liquor was it gave you the worst hangover. He put his kettle on, plugging it in. He wasn’t one for knew technology he felt as if these generations like him and after had gotten lazy. But the electric kettle was the best thing invented. Boiling the water for tea in less than two minutes. He felt like it was an ok exchange. He boiled the water making his own teabags with loose leaf tea. They balanced one another out, at least that’s what he told himself.
“ Fine”
“ Regulus”
“ Huh”
“ Fuck you,” he said grabbing two mugs out of his cabinet. Regulus flipped him off his long pale finger tale so he could see what Regulus was doing.
“ What kind of tea do you like,” he asked as Regulus walked over to sit at the chairs for the island.
“ If you have loose leaf chamomile I’ll have that if you only have bagged tea earl grey,” Regulus said in such a pompous tone his lip curled back with disgust. Also, the assumption that he as a tea connoisseur would have bag tea was offensive. They were both drunk but from experience, tea helped the hangover.
“ I only have loose leaf tea,” he said proudly as Regulus just nodded with approval.
He felt like the tea had been a bridge and he was a nosey drunk so he began to prod.
“ So what happened with James you never fully explained,” he said grabbing his tray of loose leaf tea. Grabbing the chamomile and putting it into the handcrafted tea bags. He grabbed a tablespoon of tea making sure to clean his hands before touching it. The bar was far dirtier than usual. And he was a slight germaphobe.
“ Tell me about Sirius then,” Regulus said as he rolled his eyes nodding hesitantly.
He paused for a moment staling his hands as he looked up at Regulus.“ Fine you first then”
Regulus grimaced his expressions hard to read, he had a feeling that Regulus wouldn’t have complied for anyone else. Maybe it was because they were in similar situations. Or because he felt a kinship with Remus. He doubted it was to that extent but it was something.
“ I was at a grocery store far from my house because I get noticed at that one. I saw him in the same aisle as me and I had the same reaction to him as I did when I was eleven. He was smiling and the way he stood he was brighter than the sun. Even people there were drawn to him. It was a reminder all over again that even after all these years I’m still fucking in love with a man who doesn’t even know me. Pathetic” Regulus said rubbing his hands over his ears his words slurring slightly. But Remus was also drunk so he was sure his words weren’t’ as pronounced.
“ He knows you exist, he would beg for Sirius to invite you over during breaks or summer. And Sirius would also say no because he knew they wouldn’t let you. James has always seen you, but then again he sees everyone. I’m not going to say you aren’t pathetic because I am and we are in the same boat” he said simply as he placed the bags into the water he had poured out into the mugs.
“ He doesn’t know me as I do him”
Regulus went somber and he knew that it was the love that Regulus felt. And it was hard to even deny it. James was a wonderful person with a beautiful soul. He loved so fierily that it was almost an honor to be loved by him. He knew how easy it was to fall in love with someone like James or Sirus. Their personalities were so large even at a distance you felt like you knew them.
“ Sirius seems oblivious all these years that I’m even bent. I was always too in love with him to pursue anyone else” he took a sip of tea. It warmed him from the inside out the calming mellow flavor from the chamomile coating his tongue. The tea was at the perfect temperature. Hot but not scolding, his tongue not being burned. He hadn’t put honey in his but tea condiments were on the island. He also noticed that Regulus kept his tea plain.
“ Doesn’t help that he could flirt with a tree’ he grumbled out as Regulus just nodded.
“ I always thought he liked you, he came home talking about you and heaven forbid mother say anything about you he would blow up. Usually getting himself grounded for two weeks, beaten, and starved” Regulus spoke the words flowing from his mouth like it was nothing. Like somehow that display from a parent was normal.
“ As a friend though he probably did the same thing for James. It was easier when he was just entertaining girls. I would close that part of my mind because he wasn’t into guys. But now it almost hurts worse”
He couldn’t help but let it sting. To burn through his resolve and his feelings. Nothing was deterring it besides Sirius’s feeling for him.
“ He never got as upset as he did when it was about you, anyway I’m not sure them being straight is better. James is but it still hurts”
Regulus articulated his words perfectly but only when he spoke about Sirius or James did emotion show through his iron wrought resolve. It was clear he was in complete control of many to all things in his life. But his feeling for James wasn’t one of them. He had a sense that if he could stop liking James he would.
He was confused as to why Regulus believed James to be straight, James was Pansexual. It had always been clear that it was the case. James always said when asked about who he liked it was who they were that made his attraction so. He had never denied it but he never came out. James always said by coming out that he would be making a spotlight on LGBTQ+. And that it should be normalized because the majority aren’t straight. And sexuality shouldn’t assume. He was always the strongest ally for the people he loved.
“ James isn’t straight Regulus he’s pan did you not know that?” he watched Regulus’s eyes widened. He didn’t say anything like his mind needed time to comprehend the new information he had just given.
“ No”
Silence enraptures the space around them, his thoughts had become writing in a way. After writing over five books that’s just the way it was. His mind at odd times spurted quotes that he would jot down in a journal or on his phone. He could almost see the words forming in his mind. As It began to piece it together. The silence personified around them, that’s as far as his mind got. But it held merit. The sound around them was more like another person rather than some un-personified thing.
His inebriation had come to a point where all logic was lost upon him. To many, he might not seem drunk but he was. He didn’t scream or tripped and swayed uncontrollably. He sat there usually in silence feeling the alcohol inwardly rather than outwardly. He was drunk to himself rather than for other people to see.
They silently sipped on their tea as a thought appeared in his mind.
“ At this point, we might as well date to see if that would even cast their attention” he blurted out the words sliding from his mouth as the thought popped into his mind. He blushed as those words slide out of his mouth. Regulus’s eyes bulged as he nearly choked on his tea. He set down his mug as he moved to get up.
“ I’m too drunk to think of any downsides of that idea, especially after finding out James likes blokes. I need to sleep where shall I go” Regulus’s tone demanded.
“ Couch or the loft the stairs are right there obviously,” Remus said pointing out the black spiral staircase in the corner of the living room. Regulus nodded not even commenting on going to sleep in trousers. There were a spare pair of clothes up there on the bed like always. If he chooses to use them anyways. He always liked to keep a guest set up just in case. In the bathroom downstairs there were toothbrushes and toothpaste. Along with a few other things that he deemed necessities.
Regulus walked over there climbing the stairs as he soon disappeared.
He turned around leaving the mugs for his hungover self to deal with, what could he say he was a slut for pain. Being in love with Sirius, making more work for himself tomorrow. He lay in bed barely being able to shed his clothing before doing so. He thought about regulus’s comment over and over.
“ I’m too drunk to think of any downsides to that idea”. Did that mean he thought it was a good idea? How would that even go?
Before he could think of an explanation he was asleep. Over the covers of his bed, reeking of whiskey and moonshine.
He was going to hate himself tomorrow.