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He first becomes aware of thunder roaring in the distance, and rain pattering against the window outside, and then of the empty space next to him.
Magnus sits up, rubbing sleep from his eyes, glancing straight at the closed bathroom door, listening for any sound. The room is dimly lit from light shining through the blinds.
The atmosphere is layered with an ominous heaviness, and when he spots the dark patches on Alec’s pillow, he understands instantly.
Another nightmare that made him break out in a cold sweat, and flee from the bed, from Magnus.
The shower starts and Magnus shivers, feeling as if he’s surrounded - trapped - by the sounds of water, and the pressure inside his chest deepening, swelling with sorrow.
Why won’t he talk to him? They’ve had these conversations, but because of that, and because Alec has gotten so much better at talking about his worries and fears with Magnus, Magnus is rather sure that this issue must be a new one. And maybe it’s not that Alec doesn’t want to talk about it, but that he can’t, or - pretends it doesn’t exist by willing it to be irrelevant, as he’s done before, too.
Magnus isn’t sure what to do, but he won’t fake being asleep once Alec comes back, but he’s not sure whether probing him is the way to go, either. Maybe something untried before.
He uses his magic to light a few candles, making the room a lot cosier and warmer, pushes the cover off of himself, gets up, and slips into his midnight blue silk gown so he isn’t completely naked, glancing about for a moment, before deciding on a book and taking it back to bed.
Alec’s determined to let the hot water wash away the nightmare’s remaining sensations, but his body’s almost statuesque, the tension inside every muscle unrelenting. He gives up after a while, unwilling to waste anymore water.
His chest is tight with pressure, his stomach coiled, old and new aches scattered throughout his limbs as he dries up, pulls on some shorts and a t-shirt, and stares at himself in the mirror for a few silent, unmoving seconds.
He shuts his eyes, and sighs deeply. He seems out of his depth with this one. Always another torturous worry. It seems never ending. He feels the pang of guilt instantly, like a stab through his abdomen, needing to steady himself for a couple of minutes before he’s calm enough to go back inside.
He’s sure sleep won’t come again tonight, and maybe he should try to read something in the living-room, not wanting to disturb Magnus, too.
He freezes as he spots him awake in bed, sitting up against a pillow, seemingly relaxed, one naked leg straight, the other angled up, a book in his hands, reading. He doesn’t seem to notice Alec, but that can’t be true.
Alec’s hesitating, too uncertain to move, or speak, held captive by the curve of Magnus’ bare knee, his fingers remembering what it feels like to touch there, the muscles, and sinews, covered by smooth skin, and the finest hairs.
And just like that, he turns into a contradictory mess of feelings, none of which he can regulate.
His tongue remembers Magnus’ taste, and his nose Magnus’ smell.
Alec closes his eyes, inhales, and exhales, immersed in too many perceptions.
Finally he opens them, seeking out Magnus’ face, illuminated by candlelight, delicate, yet distinctive, enthralling, irresistible.
Alec knows Magnus has noticed him, but he's still not looking his way, his mind following those thoughts, suddenly understanding.
His body's tense, and hunched, and stiff, and inside, Alec’s embarrassed to find an awkward, shameful yearning for consolation, rather than anything sexual.
Magnus may somehow feel this, and maybe Alec should stop wondering how he knows.
There’s a prickling in his eyes, overwhelmed once more by Magnus’ efforts, and sacrifices to love him, to know him better than he does himself.
He could fall into cluttered turmoil, save the peaceful, beautiful vision in front of him. He feels drawn in by Magnus, like a magnet to its pole, his hands itching with the want to be closer, still reluctant to give into it, shame and guilt making him tentative.
Magnus stays relaxed and casual, knowing how attentive Alec is to everything he does, wanting him to feel that he can be wholly secure with him, knowing in these moments it's still hard for Alec to wind down, and ask for what he needs, making Magnus all the happier when he does come to him, and takes it, if carefully and vulnerably.
Magnus wants to ensure that he knows he is allowed to, wanted, trusted, and that he can fully trust Magnus to be there for him, always, but especially in these moments.
Inwardly he’s gauging every one of Alec’s movements, and body language, a glance at his face when he’s not looking, granting him knowledge of his state of mind, his emotions, and it’s on him to assess the right approach.
He could look at him directly, tell him to come over, ask him what he wants, or even just smile, or he could keep quiet, and wait for Alec to come to him of his own volition.
What he does is stretch out his left arm towards Alec, slightly curling his fingers, hoping it’s sufficient for him to understand the invite, yet inconspicuous enough to ignore if he’s not ready.
Alec’s eyes dart to the motion, a crack parting the heavy strain under his ribcage, his feet moving before his brain catches on. He carefully shifts behind Magnus, his legs settling on either side of him, rubbing against his, hundreds of tiny bumps appearing on both of their skins.
The scent of Magnus’ shampoo fills Alec’s nose, and he wants to touch, feel, be close, soak him up, all of him, needing so much, so many things he can’t name, yet he moves in slowly, waiting with every instant and touch whether it’s alright, whether he’s allowed, or whether he’s too much, feeling a strange, unwanted debility he can’t even pinpoint its origin, remnants of past anguish, fear, doubts, guilt, and loneliness lingering somewhere in the depth of his memories.
Magnus’ fingers brushing his thigh set him into motion again. He settles his chin on Magnus’ shoulder, reminding himself to exhale, slips one arm around Magnus' waist, pressing further into his back, his feet under and around Magnus’ calves, entangling as much of himself with Magnus as possible, finally sliding his other hand down Magnus’ collarbone, beneath his gown, his body’s warmth, strength, and softness providing an all-consuming comforting sensation, a grounding peace.
Magnus’ head turns slowly, until they’re cheek against cheek, allowing it all, perceiving Alec’s need, his insecurity, always wanting to be his solace, give him a little bit of peace, anything he needs, never wanting him to be sad, or hurting again, especially not on his own.
Magnus puts the book down, finds and covers both of Alec’s hands with his own, closing his eyes, aware of every part of Alec connecting with himself, his steady, warm breath, his emotions reaching for that part inside of Magnus that exists only for, and because of Alec, opening, listening, responding, and empathising.
Alec twines his fingers with Magnus’, seeking every chance to get a little closer still, moving his head until his nose is pushed into Magnus’ neck, his body thrumming with a welcomed tension this time, parts of him finally relaxing, letting go, exhaling.
A few droplets from Alec’s washed hair land on, and run along Magnus’ skin, trailing from his neck down along his chest where the gown is loose, and Alec’s hand lingers, holding onto him with his unique, gentle fierceness.
Magnus has decided to wait for Alec, and lets quiet minutes pass, enveloped in warmth, and safety, the rain’s sounds rising, but its symbolic threat diminished.
When he senses it’s time, he moves, freeing himself from Alec’s limbs, glimpsing his face, painted in insecurity, and regret, and he turns to sit on Alec’s strong thighs, his knees either side of Alec’s waist.
His ringed fingers come up to frame Alec's face, gently and graciously caressing, his eyes captivating him, tranquil and rousing at the same time.
Magnus moves one hand to take one of Alec's, bringing it up to his own face, nestling into the touch, holding it right there, feeling the texture of his calloused fingertips against his cheek, not taking his eyes off of him.
There’s an almost reverence in Alec’s eyes looking back at him, a stunned surprise that Magnus understands, just as much as the dark rings under Alec’s eyes, the weariness he wants to undo. In the most efficient way he knows how.
He leans in, pressing his hand against Alec’s chest, where he can feel his heartbeat through his shirt, his lips parting to invite Alec’s, a soft pull and nip on his lower lip, tender suction, and slides, his tongue tasting, eyes blurred, not ready to shut, needing to see comprehension and want on Alec’s face first.
Alec’s body, mind, and heart come alive the way they only do for Magnus, his hands moving slowly and meticulously along his body, needing to discover him as if for the first time.
His eyes close, his head moving with Magnus’ kisses, reciprocating as much as Magnus is giving, thoughts and unwanted sensations fading away.
He gasps for breath, sighing from his core, his forehead pressed against Magnus’, his hands cradled around his face, safeguarding.
Magnus is making him shudder with his fingers running through his hair, down his neck, over his rune, his pulse, applying slightly more pressure, breathing against his lips and nose, delicious tickles.
Alec wants to stay like this exactly, for forever, in this instant.
In the next, he wants to see him, every mole, pore, unevenness, and imperfection, making him only ever more wonderful to him.
He touches his face, every inch, gingerly, his eyes following his fingers’ path, his breath hitching as Magnus breathes raspily against his finger over his lips, his tongue peeking out to lick.
Alec’s heart beats vigorously in his chest, his head filled with joy, their eyes locking, sharing pure, unconditional acceptance, desire, and comfort.
Magnus’ hands under his t-shirt surprise Alec, make him tremble, but he reacts quickly, lifting his arms for him to pull it off, shivering when Magnus boldly rakes his fingers over his shoulders, down his collarbones and chest, through his hair, grazing his nipples, making him hiss, the smirk on Magnus’ lips amused and compelling.
Alec pulls the belt on Magnus’ gown open so he’s bared before him, sliding it down over his arms with relish to be able to touch more of him. Muscles, soft, and smooth skin, never tiring of it.
Magnus shifts to give Alec room. “Lie down.” And Alec does so on his back, his head on the soft, thick pillow while Magnus carefully settles on his hips, reaching out to Alec, their hands interlacing between them, fingers gently sliding back and forth, eyes attentive, smiling.
Alec’s chest is strung wide, and overflowing, their love beyond anything he ever heard of, read about, or used to be able to imagine truly existed.
They’re a wonderful mess, a mosaic of extreme, multifaceted emotions, sometimes on a crazy, dizzying carousel ride, but always in time before the other could fall too harshly, or at all.
Sometimes it’s mind-numbing, but he prefers to feel it all, as deeply, and unbelievably as it is, amazed, and eased by the knowledge that Magnus feels it, too. Because he told him so, showed him so, and even if he’s still filled with all kinds of fears, and doubts, he trusts, and believes Magnus, he’s just frightened for him.
He blinks out of the haze in his mind, meeting Magnus’ eyes, intense, and captivating, as he holds Alec’s hands up to his mouth, kisses every knuckle, brushing his fingers, the tiniest smile at the corner of his mouth, embellishing his wondrous features.
Magnus’ hands are glowing warmly, and soothingly as he gingerly trails them across Alec’s arms to his shoulders, immediately granting Alec’s tight, sore muscles relief, eyes shutting, soft sighs spilling over his lips, until he feels loose, and warm, as if all of his bones have melted.
When his eyes open, Alec sucks in a breath, spellbound, wondering for the 1000th time how Magnus can truly exist, but even if he were a figment of Alec’s imagination, as long as he wouldn’t find out, he couldn’t care.
Magnus smiles gently, leans down and kisses him tenderly, crossing his leg over, shifting to lie down beside Alec, his hand on his chest, gazing into his eyes.
Alec opens his mouth. “Magnus-” He doesn’t know the words, isn’t sure how to thank him, or which words would even come close to what he feels for him. It’s frustrating, but he hopes Magnus knows, that it’s somehow written on Alec’s face.
Magnus nods subtly, his hand moving, his fingertips tickling Alec’s jaw as they brush along his skin, and Alec feels so much, so overpowered, so safe and strong in this violability.
Magnus’ fingers are combing through Alec’s hair, and a wave of shivering drowsiness washes over him, his eyelids drooping, the last sound he’s aware of being Magnus’ soft voice against his ear, the last sensation Magnus’ lips on his cheek.
~
Magnus startles brutally awake from loud thunderclaps, the storm having picked up vigorously once more, his heartbeat thundering in his chest, his body shaking.
It’s only a couple of hours later, but the biggest shock is Alec gone again. Magnus doesn’t wait this time, gets out of bed, slips into his gown, and checks every room until he finally spots the balcony doors slightly ajar, Alec’s shape illuminated by flashes in the night sky.
Magnus hurries outside, worried and alarmed.
Alec woke up in the middle of the night, not because of nightmares, noises, or other disturbances. He couldn’t explain it if asked, he was asleep, and the next moment, he was awake, fully aware of himself, his surroundings, and, most of all, Magnus.
He watched him in silence, his beloved face, twitching ever so slightly in sleep, twisting Alec’s heart around his throat, until his chest was so tight he was barely breathing, controlled by his worst fears.
He pulled on his t-shirt, and fled out to the balcony, wet from the previous rain, gripped onto the handrail, sucking in breaths, startling at a loud flash above him in the sky, accompanied by thunder in the distance.
A shudder trickled down his spine, an icy sensation, sweat breaking out on his skin.
Sometimes he feels so lost, wondering what's wrong with him, knowing there always has been, something irrevocably broken? Unfixable? Is he putting pressure on Magnus to fix him?
His head is a mess, he is a mess, again, and he doesn’t understand any of it. A shudder passes through his body, the roars of thunder nearer suddenly, anxious, and wuthering like himself.
He jumps inwardly, but stays perfectly still as arms close around his middle, a body pressing against his back, a face into his neck, so close he can feel every muscle, bone, and chilly skin, sending goosebumps all over him, too.
Alec shuts his eyes, knowing his craving for Magnus will never diminish, unable to ever reject him, knowing the pain it would cause him would bring Alec to his knees, yet scared of what hurt he could cause Magnus being too close, being not enough, saying and doing the wrong things, just… being wrong . Wrong for Magnus. His greatest fear, so huge, and complex it’s completely overwhelming him.
Magnus decided to be brave, molding his body against Alec’s, his eyelids falling shut, inhaling his smell he knows so very well, never tiring of it.
He can feel his clammy skin, his body as taut as a bowstring, his chest knotted up under Magnus’ hands, his fingers exerting gentle pressure.
He can sense the storm that’s raging out in the vastness of the heavens, inside of Alexander, as well.
He holds onto him even tighter, breathes him in once more, and moves his face, his cheek leaning against the side of Alec’s neck.
“What are you scared of?” It’s a guess, but a sure one, having soaked up every knowledge he could about Alec in their time together.
The flinch in Alec’s body gives him away, but Magnus isn’t proud, instead tantalised, wanting to mend any, and every anguish inside Alec.
Cold wind is whipping his face, and he draws back to hide behind Alec, suddenly facing him, having turned fast in his arms, gazing at him, turmoil visible in his dark, shimmering eyes, illuminated by the night’s glow.
His skin feels cool, but Magnus can feel his inner heat burning, his body strained, his arms still and straight at his sides, not reaching for Magnus, not daring to?
Alec’s surprised only for a moment, bearing witness to their inexplicable connection many times, Magnus’ sixth sense when it comes to him. Right at this moment, he wishes he wasn’t so perceptive, feeling as if he will not be able to conceal everything from him on this stormy night, desperate to share, and feel a little less burdened, afraid to be such a heavy burden to Magnus at the same time.
His mind, heart, and soul feel utterly torn.
Magnus loosens his arms from around Alec, caresses his arms upwards, over his shoulders to his neck, and takes his face into his hands.
He knows this goes deep, maybe deeper than other things they’ve been through, something he’s truly scared of, and plagued by, something Magnus needs to help him with.
“Alexander, tell me.”
Alec cannot steer his eyes away from Magnus, forlorn, yet in the presence of the safest person he knows. He feels crazy. He sighs, quivering, his throat dry, thunder rolling, flashes cracking above them, wind lashing against their bodies, but all he can focus on is the gold in Magnus’ eyes.
His tongue runs over his lips once as he digs up a sliver of courage to speak.“I just… it’s just… you, how do you- how are you- Fuck, I mean, I don’t know how to get through decades of… this life, but you, you’ve had to do it for centuries, Magnus. I just don’t understand. All that pain, and regret, and guilt, and loss, and grief, and trauma… How can you endure that? And what if I only add to that? And what right do I have to be whining about my-”
He’s silenced by Magnus’ fingers over his mouth, meeting his glowing, golden eyes again, swimming with emotions.
“Alexander, take a breath, and listen.” Magnus lowers his arm gradually, gauging Alec’s reaction, but he does take a breath, and stays quiet, watching him with tense anticipation, his soulful hazel depth filled with pain, and sorrow.
“Everybody’s circumstances are different, every Shadowhunter’s, and every Downworlder’s, and every Mundane’s, too. You can’t expect to be able to relate to everyone, in fact, you probably won’t to most, and comparing existentially different lives with our own won’t help us. I’m sorry this is what’s hurting you so much lately.” He feels a rush of urgency, and slips his hands under Alec’s, gripping them gently.
“We are all going to go through various forms of pain, and grief, and all we can hope for is to have people at our side to help us mend a little bit each day, and to find reasons to continue living, to enjoy being alive.”
Alec swallows past the lump in his throat, still unable to accept. “But it’s so immensely different for you, Magnus. How am I supposed to help you through these things? I’m completely inept, fail at so many things, and I feel so useless, and helpless.”
Magnus braces himself, sympathy and hurt coursing through him. “I know, but you aren’t useless, or inept, at all, my love. You’re not a failure, and never will be, and all I really need you to do is to be here with me, and do what you have been doing. You’re already enough. Just let me be enough for you, too.”
Alec blinks perplexed, then closes his eyes, and lets out a deep, sore exhale before he looks right at Magnus once more.
“I don’t want to cause you even more pain than I already have, but how should I prevent that? I’m so clueless about so many things, I don’t know how to… be right.”
There’s such haunted woe on Alec’s face, Magnus feels doused with it. He squeezes Alec’s hands tightly, mustering up strength and courage to get through to him.
“Alexander, you’re agonising over this so much it’s causing you to have nightmares, you’re torturing yourself. It’s not worth it. You are good as you are, and I’m far from perfect. We can learn, and figure everything out together. I promise you I won’t ever leave you alone with this, and I’ll never think you’re worthless. My heart, my soul, everything I am, chose you, I had no say in it.”
He smirks softly. “And I would do it again, and again, because you’re you. We can always change for the better, but I don’t want you to be anyone else but you, because the very essence of you is beautiful, and brave, loving, kind, and caring, with an infinite potential to grow.”
Magnus feels a little bit helpless, and furious at the people, and this world that are responsible for damaging so many wonderful souls, like Alec’s, and even his own. But he has never succumbed to despair, and hopelessness beyond return, and he has so many new reasons to not give up now.
But he needs Alec to understand it, too.
“I’ve made thousands more mistakes than you, Alexander, and you know some of the worst things I did, so does that mean I can never be forgiven, and that I have to torture myself for all time?” Despite his best efforts to keep composed, Magnus’ body reacts with involuntary memories, his beautiful face darkening in anguish.
Alec’s shaking with the shock. “No, of course not!” He wraps his arms around Magnus’ shoulders, pressing him close against himself, holding him securely, regret filling him up.
Magnus takes a deep breath, his arms coming around Alec’s waist, his fingers curling into his t-shirt. Their heartbeats are loud, and rapid, as if mirroring the storm.
Magnus closes his eyes, willing himself to release the tenseness inside of his body, and mind, using Alec’s touch, and nearness to focus. He smiles softly, his hands relaxed now, stroking Alec’s back soothingly, half of his face pushed into Alec’s hot neck.
“It’s not your fault, love, I’m saying this to make you understand that we have this time, this very moment, and the next, to live our lives, and to work on changing what we feel we must. Without shame, or blame, or suffering. You make me want to try every day, because I see so much good to look forward to, but also in the present, and I don’t want to miss anything, and I don’t want to spend our time in misery.”
He moves carefully until he’s able to look at Alec, vehement emotions and stinging tears brimming in his eyes.
“You’re the one that has given me this confidence, and desire to find hope every day, and I know you won’t take it away.” His eyes are glistening with truthful joy, and trust, reaching into Alec’s very core.
“Just stay with me, and everything will be alright.” He speaks against his lips, Alec’s parted with surprise, hardly breathing.
Alec suddenly realises that nothing has power over him as much as Magnus does, and if Magnus believes it - believes in him - Alec has to, as well. He won’t let anything, anyone - least of all himself - ruin what they’re fighting, and living for. They will make it, and just like that, the rampage inside of him quiets down.
Magnus’ smile is mystifying, yet reassuring, and Alec responds to his kiss, his fingers tightening in his hair, their tongues salacious, and warm inside his mouth.
The wind takes up speed, a series of thunderclaps, and flashes cracking near them, heightening their bodies’ reactions, trembling, flashed with goosebumps, heating from the inside.
There’s a sudden quietness, the sounds of their kissing audible, echoing in their ears, then the sky opens up, and rain pours.
Magnus is undisturbed, filled with avidity, sucking on Alec’s lips hungrily, his hand finding Alec’s, taking it down with his own, slipping them beneath the fabric of his gown, touching himself, luring Alec, to stop obsessing, stop holding back, stop giving power to the uncertain.
He wants, needs to see, feel, experience, learn everything inside him, everything there is, baring his own body, mind, heart, and soul without hesitation now that he’s sure of him, even if not unafraid of the unknown himself. It’s why he needs to fill every day with as much good as he can, with love to last several lifetimes.
The wind’s whipping rain against them, dowsing them in millions of raindrops, they’re tasting on each other’s lips, feeling them rushing all over their bodies.
Alec kisses him harder, their moans harsh, and breathless, his warm hand on Magnus’ hot flesh, and holding his neck, keeping him as close as humanly possible, all of himself trusting Magnus, if not himself quite as much.
The rain is pelting down, drenching them, Magnus’ head bent back by Alec’s hand in his hair, his tongue hot against Magnus’ cold, wet skin, licking rain from his throat, plunging him into delectable sensations.
Alec moves suddenly, purposely, lifts Magnus up, his legs wrapping around his waist, and he carries him inside, still kissing, still roaming each other’s bodies.
He drops him on their bed, having to knelt down over him as Magnus’ arms won’t quite let go, his legs falling off and around him, and for a moment it’s complete stillness as they look into each other’s eyes, not a sound perceivable but those of their heavy breaths, and hammering hearts.
Alec can’t but move forward, his fingers tugging softly on Magnus’ flat, wet hair, his lips in dire need to taste him again.
He makes the sweetest, most alluring sounds, Alec will never cease to strive for, licking his mouth, eager, yet withholding, not wanting too much too soon, savouring every second.
Magnus rubs Alec’s bare earlobes gently, feeling him shuddering beneath his own skin, Alec’s pulse loud against his fingertips, tracing the lines and wrinkles of his neck and throat, smiling into their kiss.
Alec paints Magnus’ face with open mouthed kisses, his breath warming his wet skin, his hands gliding over his back, peeling the wet gown from his skin, along the knobs of his spine, feeling every contour, bump, and mark, drawing him closer, wanting him much closer.
Magnus gives him a sudden push, and they fall back on the bed, a small, but joyous sound of laughter escaping Magnus’ mouth, aligning his body to Alec’s, side by side, his hand covering Alec’s face, slipping into his hair, carding through, eliciting a waterfall of shivers and goosebumps all over him.
Magnus’ hand runs down along his shoulder and arm, his side and hip, his finger slipping under the wet fabric of his t-shirt plastered to his body, and Alec is quick to grab it and pull it over his head, throwing it away.
Magnus smirks, letting his fingers wander along the waistband of Alec’s shorts, giving it a good tug, his face expressing the question.
Alec nods immediately, watching the smile on Magnus’ face as he pulls and pushes the shorts down over Alec’s legs, and out of the way, undresses his thin, drenched gown, and comes back to lie half on top of him, his hands spread on Alec’s shoulders, his eyes so expressive Alec’s sure they needn’t ever speak words again, at least not in these most profound moments.
Alec places both of his hands on Magnus’ ass, mirroring his smirk, his fingers caressing the clefts of his thighs, feeling his clammy skin warming up, his fingers pushing their way up further, brushing more and more sensitive, hot skin.
He watches in fascination as Magnus’ eyelids flutter, his lips parting, tiny gasps resounding from his mouth, until his head drops to Alec’s neck, and Alec’s the one to gasp, Magnus’ teeth sinking into his skin, not enough to hurt, just enough to send mad tingles through his aroused body.
He closes his eyes with the softest smile, letting himself feel all these astonishing things, Magnus’ tongue licking and sucking on his bitten skin, causing an onrush of shivers across Alec’s limbs.
Magnus seeks out Alec's hands with his own, shifting himself, and pulling strong enough to have Alec fall on top of him, his legs wrapping around him, his hands on Alec's face, cradling, caressing, admiring.
They gaze at one another intently before their eyes close, their lips moving together again, meant to be.
Magnus is sliding his legs against Alec, slow and intuitively, their bodies gradually, and unhurriedly grinding together, steadily arising pleasure within them, hands stroking faces, fingers tangling with strands of hair, mouths lost in their own, unique rhythm, drawing sweet moans, and harsher breaths.
Magnus leans up, kisses Alec right between his eyebrows as he hums with bliss, his voice the most tender sound, Alec’s heart silently booming.
Magnus manages to shatter, and put all of his pieces back together at once, in a way Alec can’t comprehend, but his soul is crying out for, every time he feels sad, fragile, an itch of wrongness under his skin, and out of control.
Magnus taught him that there's bravery in defeat, in weakness, in surrender, and letting go. It’s alright, and necessary, and safe with him, which he has proven countless of times.
Alec’s phantom masks crumble and fall off of him whenever Magnus is near, sees and reaches right into him, embraces his ailments, flaws, and fears, accepts and consoles them, a remedy for his soul. Alec hopes he is able to do the same for him.
Magnus possesses care, and patience in abundance, striking Alec speechless every time, trusting him wholeheartedly, with every ugly, shameful, repulsing piece of himself.
Magnus somehow believes Alec can be forgiven for all of it, doesn’t fault him for most of it, and provides him with a catharsis Alec couldn’t find on his own, something Alec needs Magnus to find, and feel, as well.
In Alec's eyes, no one can touch Magnus, their bond, or their love, and he won't let anyone, least of all himself, wreck this belief.
It's the only truth for them, their only way to live.
And when he sees the adoration, and happiness shining in Magnus’ eyes, in his beautiful smile, his laughter, and actions, Alec feels awash with relief.
Because his love isn't a burden, doesn't suffocate, harm, or destroy him.
All Alec can do is try his best every day, prove that they belong with each other, aspire towards unfiltered and unbound happiness, confidence, and desire to work on having the most fulfilled life together.
Magnus’ fingers caressing Alec’s temples, his thumbs drawing circles under Alec's eyes, snap Alec out of his mind.
He's giving him a look that states that he understands, and Alec knows it's true. He does.
Alec wraps him into a tight hug, pressing his face against Magnus’ throat, shutting his eyes, inhaling him like taking a first breath after coming out of water.
He feels Magnus’ body relaxing, stroking his nape and hair.
“Alexander.”
It's only his name, but it's never only that.
It could be an exclamation of discontent, or sorrow. Sometimes it’s teasing him, luring him, or scolding. It could be a declaration of love, or a warning.
His name from Magnus’ lips could be anything, a whole lecture Magnus knows he doesn’t actually have to pronounce if he doesn’t want to, because Alec is attuned to the way he speaks his name, and most of its meanings.
Right now, it’s a promise of wholesome compassion, and explicit awareness. He’s got him, will always have him, and there’s no room for doubt.
Alec feels it in his bones, in the utmost depth of his being.
He shifts, his fingers digging deeper into Magnus’ muscles and flesh as they keep stroking him, their gazes conveying incredible devotion, a tenderness and longing to bring anyone to their knees, but their hearts jump of bliss, a soulbound, invincible connection.
Magnus’ kisses are damp and hot on his face, and Alec shuts his eyes, every one of his senses on Magnus, their bodies subtly moving with the rhythm of their breaths, a light sheen of sweat growing on their skin, changing their scents, and the speed of their heartbeats.
Magnus lets himself be incrementally devoured by Alec’s growing passion, and pleasure as he moves on Alec’s fingers, giving Alec the opportunity to wholly enjoy, and perceive him.
Alec stops when Magnus drags his mouth away, his forehead landing heavy on Alec’s shoulder, his breath rough, and hot against his skin. Alec brings a hand up to the back of Magnus’ head, caressing gently, petting soothingly.
Magnus takes a minute before he looks at him again, nods, the corner of his mouth crookedly smiling, and hugs him close as he shifts his body upwards again.
Their ragged breaths mingle, their smells layering in their noses, bodies pausing, savouring.
Alec takes Magnus’ lower lip between his teeth, pulls carefully, and sucks it between his lips.
There’s an onrush of deep-seated sensations, and feelings between them, palpable like the curtain of rain pelting outside, their gazes unbroken until Alec’s hands and mouth on Magnus become unrestrained, leaving marks all over him, and Magnus welcomes every one, arching into every touch of teeth, of nails scraping along his skin, trying to get under, hoping Alec will finally realise it’s the same intensity, same doubts, fears, and wishes, hope, and trust for Magnus.
Alec’s like a riptide, and Magnus is happy to get swept along, his desire tonight unlike that of a painter’s brush, gently colouring the surface of his canvas, but like a sculptor, having to carve deeply into his piece of art to create it.
Once slick, and loose, Alec moves inside him, fucking into him slowly, deliciously, then harder, and needier, but slowing himself over and over, drowning Magnus in passion, fondness and eternal love shining in his eyes.
Alec’s mouth is devouring him, sucking away every breath, drinking his every moan, throwing him into endless bouts of rough, overwhelming pleasure, suddenly shifting momentarily, and Magnus feels Alec’s kiss, gentle like flower petals warmed by sunlight, and Magnus knows, irreversibly, undeniably, wholeheartedly, that all that Alexander Lightwood is, and will become, is for Magnus, for his all encompassing love for him, Magnus has never, and will never be frightened of, doubt, or want for it to be lessened, just as long as their feelings are equal, and perfectly sincere.
They share raw moans, tiny rasps and gasps against mouths, cheeks, necks, and shoulders, unable to keep still, wanting, yearning to touch, to feel everything they possibly can from each other.
Alec’s licking and softly nibbling Magnus’ throat, his head thrown back, sucking air into his lungs while his moans increase in volume, held too tightly by Alec’s grip, but not tightly enough, craving, addicted to being closer, always.
Alec’s dragging it out as long as he can, drowning in bliss and ardency, his mouth finding Magnus’ over and over again, an endless, most delectable exchange of their inner feelings, perfectly messy, and fiercely loving.
Hot tears dwell in Magnus’ eyes when the waves of pleasure overthrow him, tension and prickling sensations under his skin, his belly and arousal so taut it's nearly unbearable, Alec's hand granting heated relief, liberating his cries.
Alec feels Magnus around him, their hot bodies sweat-slicked and trembling, Magnus’ sounds heightening Alec's euphoria, holding onto him until the last surge of ecstatic energy ebs away, quieter breathing filling the room.
Alec places soft kisses against Magnus’ lips, his fingers brushing his face fondly, conveying all of his feelings. Their eyes lock, and for a moment he’s frozen, weightlessly drifting in perfectly miraculous affection.
They kiss longingly, fervently, promising unconditional, unyielding love every day, untouchable even in their most fragile moments.
Alec’s head drops down on Magnus’ chest, drained, his mind wonderfully cottony, and Magnus kisses his head, Alec’s eyes shut, longing for sleep.
Magnus lets him, welcomes it, hoping he will get a much better rest this time.
He rolls Alec over gently so he can lie down against his back, magics most of their mess away, and pulls the thin sheet over Alec’s legs up to his hips, knowing he likes to feel something on him while sleeping, and snuggles into him, hugging him, placing soft kisses on his neck.
They have so much time, Magnus keeps reminding himself, and it’s not even the end of the night, yet, and he waits and watches over Alec, until he hears his breath evening out, letting him know he’s safe and sound in his slumber, his hand protectively spread over Alec’s heart, the peaceful thudding soon lulling him to sleep, feeling assured in his belief that they’ll overcome the next challenge that will arise, as well.