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Foreshadowing or Hindsight?
Considering the recent increase of mass shootings in the United States, I want to tell you a little story. At the end, it is up to you to determine whether there is any fact to it, or if it is just a bunch of bull.
There was once a little girl who was shy, skinny and usually kept to herself. She was often picked on (now called bullied) for being different, not loud or obnoxious like a lot of kids, or just because she happened to be at the wrong place at the wrong time. (She was once walking across the field during recess and was knocked to the ground, face shoved into the dirt, for no reason other than the girls could.) And, although she had friends from playing sports, she wasn’t the prettiest or smartest or most popular, which continued to make her an easy target. (Another example was having her crush call her on three-way to ask her out, just so someone could get on the other line laughing “you really think he would go out with you?”) So, she would do whatever she could to get people to like her; whether it was standing in line holding everyone’s backpacks off the wet ground, while they all played, to paying for everything when they hung out. This continued through high school and into (and after) college. But she never talked to anyone. They were all too busy to listen. Even her “friends”.
Home life wasn’t much better. She was always teamed up against by her younger sisters, so much so, that she would wish to be injured just to be noticed by her parents. Outside of that, she was constantly told her work in school wasn’t good enough. A 92(B+) was unacceptable when one more right would have been a 93(A-). “Not being good enough” turned into being “a failure” when things didn’t meet her parents’ expectations. Running out of money for college, failure. Roommate leaving in the middle of the night, closing all accounts for utilities…failure, for not sleeping with him so he stayed. Having to move back home after not being able to afford the apartment on her own, failure…can’t survive on her own. Breaking up with a boyfriend who became too possessive and controlling…failure. “You never gave him a chance. He was too good for you anyway.”
Through all of this, the bullying, the mental and emotional abuse (her feelings didn’t matter), not once did she think to purchase a gun to take down those offenders. One: she was underage. Two: had no connections to get one anyway. Three: she deserved it. She spent most of her life BELIEVING that she wasn’t good enough and her thoughts and feelings didn’t matter.
Fast forward twenty years. She met someone. They clicked instantly. They made her feel worthy, loved, wanted…even as just as a friend. She looked forward to their conversations. They had become close; her sharing things from her life that her family didn’t even know. Then disaster struck. They had a falling out and once again, she believed she was a failure and the cause of it all. She began doubting everything about the friendship. She gave up. For the first time since high school, she seriously considered ending it all. ‘If I am such a failure, no one will miss me anyway.’ The thought to take it out on others never crossed her mind. Afterall, SHE deserved it. SHE’S the problem; the mistake. SHE’S the one that doesn’t matter; whose feelings don’t matter. (And if she tried to talk to family about said feelings/issues, SHE was just “being too sensitive” or “you have no reason to feel that way”. Her whole life she was told that.)
A couple months later, said friend reached out again. She voiced her concerns but was willing to give things another chance. She was on cloud nine. The one person she was close to, at one time, was back in her life. She had hope, was no longer depressed, was looking forward to each new day instead of dreading them. Then, it happened again. She had been hurt when this friend kept doing something she asked them not to do. That it was causing confusion and opening an old wound. When she spoke up and tried to address the issue, she was told her feelings were unacceptable. Then was blamed for making it more of an issue then it was. She was defeated. The one person that was able to lift her spirits, no matter what the issue, had turned on her as well; told her her feelings didn’t matter. In that moment, she once again became a failure. No matter what was said from that point on, she was wrong. Saying she was hurt only turned it into “you’re just saying that to try to upset me” and “I don’t need you in my life if that’s all you’re going to do.”
Later that night, she pushed past all the excuses she made to not end her life in the past; the mess it would make; the inconvenience it would be to her family; the embarrassment it would cause. She was done thinking about everyone else first. She was done not being taken seriously with her thoughts and feelings. She was done being a failure. She was…done.
She was found the next day when her family realized she had never gotten up for work. And, just as expected, they were too embarrassed to say anything. Coworkers wondered where she was, since she rarely if ever called out. Days went by and the company called to see what was going on. They were told no one had seen her since the last shift she worked. There was no funeral. No one asked what happened; is she okay? No one cared.
She spent her life putting everyone before herself. Doing anything and everything she could to make people happy, if not like her. She was there for anyone she considered a friend, no matter when or where or at what cost. But when it mattered the most, she was nothing more than an inconvenience. And not a soul cared.
I’ll leave it up to you to decide if this story is true or just a figment of my imagination. My main point in writing this is to hopefully open your eyes to the silent pain and suffering people are going through. Some people take it out on those that they feel deserve punishment for their actions and/or behaviors. Back pain from surgery, being bullied, being fired, the list goes on. Others, the ones no one talks about, just wanted to be heard; to matter; to be allowed to feel…anything for any reason.