Chapter Text
When I thought life couldn't get worse, Pacey Witter kissed me.
After I spent the weekend watching my boyfriend pine for another girl, I’d thought things had reached the peak of awfulness, but that was before I called Pacey for a middle of the night rescue. Of course, he showed up with all kinds of questions that I desperately tried to avoid, but Pacey has always had a way of pulling the truth out of me.
We had somehow moved from talking about me and AJ to talking about me and Dawson, to arguing on the side of the road about why I had thought to call him and not someone else. One thing that Pacey and I have always had that Dawson and I never did, we’ve always been honest with each other, so I told him the truth.
“You were the first person that I thought of, Pacey.”
He peppered me with questions about what that meant, questions I’d never considered, and then he kissed me. Before I knew what was happening, Pacey’s lips were on mine and a devastating shiver ran down my unsuspecting spine. In an instant, the oozing wound of my breakup became a pale white scar so that Pacey Witter could rip me wide open with his lips.
It isn’t the first time he’s kissed me, but this one is different. This time, pure adrenaline floods my system, my heart pounds, and my knees feel like cheap hospital jello. It’s everything Disney promises you’ll feel after a kiss, everything I’ve been searching for, but Pacey’s the last person that should make me feel any of it.
All too quickly, and way too late, he pulls back to look me in the eye. Before he can say or do anything. I shove him as hard as I can in the chest because he’s just ruined everything and I don’t know what else to do about it.
“Are you insane?” I ask, advancing towards him as he backs away. “How could you do that? How could you take some simple declaration of friendship as an invitation to just maul me, Pacey?” He keeps looking at me wide eyed without a word and his silence just makes everything worse. “Answer me!” I shove him again, but he’s still not saying anything. “What were you thinking?” He shrugs and that really pisses me off. It’s just like him to launch a wrecking ball into our lives and shrug when everything collapses around us. “What?!” I shove him again and he finally speaks.
“What? I don’t know, god! I mean, it wa- it it it was an impulse.”
Now I wish he’s stayed quiet. “An impulse?” I shove him again, throwing my whole body into it in an attempt to rid myself of the endorphine aftermath of his kiss.
“Yes, an impulse. You know, sudden, momentary, and believe me, fleeting.”
It just keeps getting worse. He’d kissed me, sent shivers down my spine, and pure electricity through my veins and now he’s dismissing it as a whim? On top of everything he made me feel, that doesn’t come close to how Dawson would feel if he knew about this. In a nanosecond I’d go from being the soulmate to Jezebel and Pacey would magically transform from best friend to Judas.
“Do you have any idea the monumental implications of that meaningless little impulse? The ripple effect it could create on our small, but fragile, universe?”
“You’re right, Potter. Forgive me for thinking a kiss is just a kiss.”
“Well, it’s true. A kiss is not just a kiss, not between you and me, and you know why… Dawson? He factors into this little hormonal meltdown.”
“Meltdown? I just had a meltdown? Forgive me if I don't think this is the worst tragedy in the history of humankind, that Pacey Witter in a moment of...impulsive, compulsive, hormone induced insanity would have the nerve to kiss Joey Potter! And you let me do it,” Heat floods my cheeks at his all too accurate accusation. “You did, you let me do it! So what now? I guess the universe begins to unravel. Well excuse me while I get in the car!
He walks past me toward the car and I march off in the opposite direction. A few moments later, he drives up next to me. “Would you just get in the car, Potter, please?”
“No.”
“I didn't even mean to do it! You know, this is me, Pacey, act first, think later, okay and now that I'm getting a chance to think about it...I take it all back, okay, so get in the car.”
I’m not acting. I’m pissed off. I just don’t know if it’s because he kissed me or because he dismissed the kiss so easily. “No.”
“Jo, it's at least another six miles to your house, it is freezing cold outside and if you don't get in I'm just going to do this the whole way there, so would you get in, please?”
I reluctantly get back in because I just want to get home quickly, curl up in bed, and forget all about that stupid kiss just like I did the last time. Deep in the pit of my stomach, I know this time is different, I know there is no going back.
***
As soon as the Witter Wagoneer comes to a stop in front of my house, I grab my bag from the backseat, open the door and hop out without a word. I force my eyes forward all the way to my front door.
“Joey? Is that you?” Bessie calls out from the kitchen.
“Yeah.” I drop my bag by the door and walk into the kitchen. “Morning.”
“So, how did it go?” She cracks an egg in a pan on the stove before looking over at me. Her smile fades and she raises an eyebrow. “Uh oh.”
“Yeah.” I shrug. “We broke up.” I’d been crying over that less than an hour ago but so much has happened since then that it feels like ancient history already.
“What? What happened?”
I can’t even begin to focus my attention on anything other than the kiss and its aftermath and I don’t know how to put any of my feelings about it into words yet. “Bess, I just spent half the night waiting around a train station after a disastrous weekend. Right now I just want to crawl into bed and catch up on sleep. Can we talk later?”
She nods with a look of concern. “Are you okay?”
“I’ll be fine.” I give her the best smile I can manage and walk down the hallway to my bedroom. I collapse onto my bed and replay the last hour of my life.
Up until this moment, I’d have considered mine and Dawson’s first kiss to be my most life changing moment. It took him years to wake up and realize that I am more than the tall girl from the wrong side of the creek, and when he finally did, the gravity of getting my biggest wish was overwhelming.
Once I had Dawson, I realized I'd spent so long focused on wanting him that I didn't know what else I wanted. It was like wanting Dawson had become my only life goal. Damn near a personality trait, and the realization sent me literally running away from him. Nothing has been the same between us since. Fifteen years of friendship ruined with just one kiss and whatever we have left could easily be destroyed by another. Especially with that other kiss is shared with his best friend.
I’d like to pretend my fears about kissing Pacey are strictly noble ones about hurting Dawson, and that’s there, but it’s a small part of it. The thing that really scares me is how it felt when he kissed me. It produced electricity and desire in its purest forms and I’ve never felt anything close to it.
If a kiss with Dawson can ruin a lifetime of friendship, I’m terrified of what one with Pacey might be capable of.