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Buffy opened the door to the basement and took a deep breath before heading down the stairs. Things were so tense around her house right now, and she knew she needed to talk to Spike before it got any worse. She was still livid about what went on with Robin, and hopefully Spike knew that none of that anger was directed at him. As she started down the stairs, she noticed how quiet it was. Thinking Spike was asleep she started to stop and walk back up, but froze when she heard a moan. Against her better judgement, she went down the rest of the way and almost screamed at the sight in front of her: Spike was sitting on his cot, his back to the wall, and on his lap was Faith. She had her arms wrapped around him and it looked like they were in the middle of a hot and heavy make out scene.
Buffy stood frozen for just another minute before she turned to run back up the stairs. For once being a slayer wasn’t to her advantage though, and somehow she managed to trip over the first step. Her head quickly whipped over to the kissing couple, who were looking at her. Spike had the decency to look ashamed, while Faith looked way too smug.
Confused and hurt, Buffy turned away from them and ran the rest of the way back up the stairs. She was out the back door before anyone could even notice.
She wasn’t sure how far she ran, but at some point she'd started to see houses that weren’t all that familiar to her. She kept going until she came across a playground she'd never noticed before and stopped. By that time, tears were streaming down her face and she was barely able to catch her breath. She walked over to a bench and sat down, placing her hands over her face as she wept.
Deep down, she knew Spike was not hers, but that didn’t make the pain any less. In that moment she realized that in some way, Spike had always been hers and she had been his. Yes, their relationship had started out as them being enemies, but those days were long gone. The next progression would have been friends, but they'd never been that; Spike had fallen hard and fast for her, and then they'd become lovers.
She'd once thought that he couldn’t love without a soul, but now she knew that wasn’t true. If it had been, he wouldn’t have gone to get his soul after what had happened in the bathroom, would it? The truth was that with Spike and her it had only ever been love or hate, nothing in between. She'd hated him while he loved her, and now… now it looked like she loved him while he hated her.
Or at least that was what it felt like.
Maybe he didn’t hate her, but apparently he'd finally moved on, and she had no one to blame but herself. He must have thought she'd never be able to return his feelings, so why not move on and find someone that would at least have no issues with being with him? Why else would he be making out with Faith in her own house?
Bile rose in her throat as she realized that yes, she did love him. She tried to think of when she'd started to fall in love with him; she couldn’t even pinpoint a time. He'd slowly snuck into her heart when she hadn't been paying attention. Seeing him move on, she felt like she was breaking apart from the inside.
She hadn’t been lying when she'd told him she wasn’t ready for him not to be here, she just hadn’t realized it was because she loved him. She knew it was too late now, and the tears came even faster.
How would she make it without him? It wasn’t just about him being the strongest and best chance they had, despite what she may have told Robin. It was about her other half being beside her.
She needed to dry her tears, get up, and head back to the house. Buffy knew there was no way she could face Spike or Faith, but she needed to at least grab a few items and find a place to crash for the night. She had a feeling that what she'd walked in on had just been the start and she had no desire to be in the same house as the two of them as they had sex. Spike might not want or love her anymore, but God, did he have to move on with another slayer in her own house? Deep down, she knew fleeing her own house was ridiculous, but how could she have stayed with what was going on? How could she face them after seeing them being so intimate?
Buffy took a deep breath, trying to ignore the feeling that her heart was breaking and that she felt as if she was dying. She wiped her eyes with the back of her hand and tried to calm her breathing; she had to at least appear strong. She started the walk back to her house, almost numb, not really thinking about anything.
She was less than two blocks from her house, still lost in thought, as she was attacked. The Bringer slashed at her with a knife before she could get her head in the game and, by the time she did, it was too late and something had pierced her side. That was the wake up call she needed though, and she started fighting back in earnest. Buffy could tell she was not in top form that night but she couldn’t dwell on that, her life was at stake and she knew it; she managed to get a few good kicks and punches in and finally had its head trapped in her arms. With a violent twist, she snapped its neck and watched as the body fell to the sidewalk. She looked around to see if there was another and gave a sigh when she found nothing.
She turned back in the direction of her house and didn’t make it two steps without a sharp pain in her side: she brought her hand to her rib cage, finding it wet. She didn’t need to look to know she’d been stabbed, and that it was blood coating her hand.
She closed her eyes and counted to ten to calm herself down. All she had to do was make it back to the house and find her first aid kit, a task that, as she walked, seemed harder than it had sounded in her head. What should have taken her a mere five minutes had stretched into twenty, the pain making her wince and tears come back to her eyes. She didn’t want anyone to see her this way, hurt and bloody and in tears. Anyone who saw her would want to know what she was doing outside in the first place, and she was in enough pain without having to talk about the ache in her heart as well.
She opened the front door of her house and was relieved there was no one in sight; she could hopefully make it up the stairs and into her room before she was noticed. The stairs took her another five minutes to navigate and relief flooded her as she realized no one had noticed her. She heard laughing from behind Dawn’s closed bedroom door and debated on knocking for a minute to get her sister's help with the cleaning of her cut, but she was afraid it would draw unwanted attention. She knew the potentials couldn’t keep their mouths quiet and she did not want Faith or Spike seeing her like this. The physical pain was nothing compared to the emotional pain of seeing them together, and right now she needed to focus on healing her physical injury; she knew all too well that the emotional one was not something that could be tackled with gauze, tape, and slayer healing. No, that would take a lot longer, possibly until her dying breath. She knew she should be able to be strong and tell him that she just wanted him to be happy, even if it wasn’t with her; but she also knew that would be a lie, and seeing them together again would probably make her feel even worse than she was feeling right now.
She slowly raised her hand to Dawn’s door, pressing her palm against it. She would have to leave her sister a note, explaining that she needed to handle things on her own for a day or so. She wouldn’t tell Dawn what really happened, after all the girl hadn’t forgiven Spike for what had happened in the bathroom, even though she didn’t know the truth but only what people who hadn’t been there either had told her. Buffy had always felt a bit of guilt for not telling her sister how things had actually gone, but she knew this wasn’t the time. She should have done it earlier, just as she should have confronted Xander on telling stories that weren’t correct, nor his to tell. She knew better than anyone what Spike had done was wrong, but the truth was that their entire relationship up until that point had been wrong, and not all of it had been Spike’s fault.
Slowly, Buffy made it to her room and carefully opened the door, not even bothering with the lights at first. She shut the door and leaned against it, letting the tears fall again before quickly flipping the lights on and wiping her eyes dry. She made it over to her dresser and pulled out gauze, antibiotic cream, tape, antiseptic wipes, and some pain pills. Cursing herself for not having anything to drink nearby, Buffy downed the pills as best she could without water and took off her coat, laying it across her bed along with her first aid supplies. She wasn’t sure how she was going to get her shirt off, with part of it sticking to the wound, but she had to try if she was going to get it cleaned up. It wasn’t the first time she dis this but right then she almost felt as if she were running on auto-pilot, with her body and mind only letting her focus on the eeasiest things, everything else seeming almost impossible.
She walked over to her closet to get a shirt to change into when she was done and grabbed a loose-fitting one that wouldn’t put any pressure against the cut. She pulled out another shirt and some pants she could wear the following day, once she returned to Revello Drive, throwing those on the bed as well.
When she looked at the shirt she’d chosen to wear once she cleaned up, she noticed it was one of Spike’s. She wasn’t sure how it had ended up in her closet but decided she would wear it anyways. It was the last piece of him she would have that was all hers, and no matter how much she wished he still wanted her, she did love him and wanted at least this small part of him near her.
The more she thought about it, the more she realized that she should’ve told him earlier of her feelings, before it was too late. She wasn’t sure she could pinpoint an exact time or day she’d fallen in love with Spike, but there was no doubt in her mind that was what this feeling was, and now, she had lost whatever chance at happiness that she could’ve had with him. She shook her head and resolved to think about this later, when she could be alone and could cry again without the possibility of being discovered.
Buffy carefully took off her shirt, peeling the fabric away from the gash in her side, thanking whatever deity out there that it had stopped bleeding. She’d just started to open the antiseptic wipes when her bedroom door was flung open. Her eyes flew to the intruder, only instead of it being one of the girls as she had suspected, she found herself locking eyes with Spike.
He opened Buffy’s door and froze, taking in her appearance. She was standing there in just jeans and her bra, and the sight took his unneeded breath away. He started to look down at her feet, anything to keep his eyes off of her breasts, only to see a horrible gash on her stomach. He quietly shut the door and walked over to Buffy, who apparently refused to look at him. He took her chin and tilted her face so that she met his gaze.
“What happened?”
“Nothing, okay? You can go. I’m fine.” Buffy turned her head and started looking over at her bed. She couldn’t do this. The pain was still too raw, as well as her heart. If she talked to him she knew she’d break down and tell him everything, including what she felt for him. She knew Spike wouldn’t make fun of her for loving him, he wasn’t that cruel, but she didn’t want to hear him tell her he did love her just out of pity, or simply as a friend. That would be worse than him telling her he fell out of love with her.
“Bullshit, Buffy. Who did this?”
“They’re dead now. Can you just go, Spike? Please? I’m sure you're needed elsewhere.” She flinched when the comment came out of her mouth. Spike was perceptive, no one could deny that, and he could probably sense her jealousy as if it was written on paper before him. So much for covering up her feelings...
“No, not needed anywhere, pet. Sit on your bed and I’ll clean this up, then you and I are gonna have a little talk, a long overdue talk from what I can tell. And, pet, you are gonna tell me what the bloody well happened to you. No arguments, luv, please.”
Buffy did want to argue, actually, but she didn’t have the strength. Plus, the sooner Spike said what he needed to, the sooner she could get out of there. There was no way she was going to tell him how she’d been attacked because she’d been too distracted to pay attention to her surroundings; he’d be livid, and tell her how stupid she’d been, and the worst part was that he’d be right. There was no excuse for her ever letting her guard down, and years of slayer training had taught her that.
She sat down, turned so her injured side was facing Spike, and took a deep breath.
Spike grabbed the first aid supplies and went to work, silently thanking slayer healing for working already. On a normal person, the cut would still be bleeding and they probably would have been on their way to the ER for stitches; in Buffy’s case, the bleeding had already stopped and the cut, while red and angry-looking, was already starting to heal. He carefully cleaned the area, wincing everytime Buffy did, before applying the antibiotic cream and then the bandages.
With every wince or sound from her, he was going back and forth between anger and guilt. Anger at Buffy for going out alone, and guilt for thinking that if he’d been with her, this would never have happened. The angry part of him wanted to yell at her and ask what she’d been thinking; but deep down, the guilt got to him in another way, knowing that if she hadn’t seen him and Faith… but that hadn’t been his fault. He hadn’t made a move on the other Slayer, she had tried to put the moves on him. He hadn’t expected Buffy to stick around and ask what was going on, but he had hoped she would.
He finished cleaning her up and sat down at the foot of her bed, looking at her, really seeing her for the first time since he’d opened her door. He could see the emotions flicker across her face, and the temptation to try to pull her into his arms was strong. He saw her as she reached across the bed, grabbed a shirt and threw it on, a sense of awe flooding his chest as he recognized it as one of his.
Buffy pulled on the clean shirt and started picking at a loose thread on her bedspread. Anything to keep from talking to him, or even acknowledging he was still there. She was strong, but not strong enough to keep from breaking down if he tried to get her to talk about what she’d seen in that basement.
“Wanna tell me what really happened, Buffy?”
“I… I went for a walk. There was a Bringer. I killed him, but not before he got a shot at me. It was stupid, I know, but I wanted to go for a walk, and I wasn’t thinking.”
“Bullocks, luv. Oh, I believe it was a Bringer, but how did he get a jump on you? You ran out of here. I heard you, Buffy. You tend to forget I have excellent hearing.”
“What do you want me to say, Spike? Yes, I ran out of here. But no, I don’t want to talk about it. Whatever you and… her do is none of my business. I get it, really I do, but that doesn’t mean I want to listen to any details, okay?” Buffy could feel the tears starting to flow but didn’t even try to stamp them down. She could chalk them up to her wound after all, even though she knew he wouldn’t believe her. What had she said to Angel once? She couldn’t fool herself, or Spike for some reason. That held true as much today as it had back then.
“Well, not gonna give you any details, Slayer.”
Spike ran a hand through his gelled curls, loosening them a bit. Did she really expect that he’d done anything with Faith, in her own house, and under her nose? Did she really think so little of him? He’d never given her any reason to think he’d moved on, or so he thought. What were the odds she was still thinking of what had happened with Anya? He wasn’t proud of his actions back then, but he wasn’t ashamed either. What happened between two lonely people were the concerns of just those two people. Yes, Buffy and Xander had been hurt, but they’d hurt him and Anya as well. He didn’t want to dwell on what had happened, though, so he pushed the thoughts away, since they always led him to think about what had happened shortly after.
“I don’t have the energy to fight, Spike. Can you just go? I… I need to get some stuff together.” The tears were falling faster now, with no end in sight. Before she could register what Spike was doing, he’d pulled her into his arms and she was sobbing into his shirt and holding on to him for dear life. The feeling of being back in his arms was heaven all over again, and the knowledge that this was probably the last time she would feel this, pure hell. She was tempted to pull away, but she wanted to cherish this feeling as long as she could.
Spike had one hand around Buffy’s waist, holding her to him, and one stroking her hair. Her tears were breaking him and he wanted nothing more than to tell her the truth about him and Faith, but he wanted her to ask him, to show some sort of sign that she could actually communicate with him without resorting to how their former relationship had been, all fighting and no words. It wasn’t the first time in the past few minutes he’d thought that same thing, but she needed to initiate this.
He could tell her sobs were slowing down, and her breathing was evening out, but her hands were still fisted in his shirt and she was holding him like she was never letting go. He started whispering to her that everything would be okay, that he was still here for her, that he was sorry for anything and everything he had ever done to upset her, that he just wanted to talk to her, to work this out. It wasn’t until he whispered an ‘I love you’ that she froze and he could feel the tension slip back into her body.
“Please, don’t lie to me, Spike. I can’t take it. You’ve never lied to me before, please don’t start now.” She pulled away and practically spit the words at him, the anger she felt coming through in her tone. Her fears were confirmed, he did pity her and was just trying to make her feel better.
He pulled her away from him and looked her in the eyes, questioning for a moment if he was reading her right. He could see anger flashing at him from within, but if he was right he also saw jealousy, and love. Maybe she did love him... she loved all her friends, but the love he saw in her eyes wasn’t that of just a friend. For a brief moment he let himself hope, but he pushed those thoughts away. He would never let himself asume again when it came to her. Instead, he would rely on the trust that he could have sworn they were building since he’d come back.
He must have stayed quiet for too long though, because Buffy had started to look away. He cupped her face and brought her gaze back to him. Before he could stop himself, he placed a chaste and gentle kiss to her lips. He pulled back from the kiss and brought her back into his arms, the feeling almost overwhelming him.
“Don’t ever think for one bloody minute I don’t still love you, Buffy. You’re the only thing I’ve ever been sure about. I’ve never lied to you about my feelings, whether it was me wanting to kill you, or me loving you.”
The tone in his voice had changed and Buffy could hear the Victorian gentleman he used to be seeping out.
“Right, you love me so much that you and Faith...” She practically choked on the name, but swallowed her jealousy. She got up and started pacing, trying to calm herself. She took a breath and counted to ten. If she’d been honest with Spike, or herself, and come clean about her feelings, she wouldn’t be in this position. If nothing else, she knew Spike was loyal and would never cheat. But this hadn’t been cheating, because they weren’t together. With an effort of will, Buffy pulled out of Spike’s embrace and sat back down on her bed. “Look, what you two do, or did, like I said, isn’t any of my business—but dammit. It hurt, okay? Is that what you wanted to hear? Are you happy now?”
“No, really not, pet. Because what you think happened? It didn’t, okay. Are you gonna let me explain what was going on? Or do you just want to jump to conclusions? Look, I’m done with the mixed signals, luv. Either we talk this out now, or I’ll walk out of this room and out of this house.”
He looked at Buffy, trying to figure out what was going on in her head and wondering if he should’ve opened his mouth at all. He couldn’t believe those words had been said, knowing how well Buffy took ultimatums. The last person to give her one had been Captain Cardboard, and he knew how well she’d taken that. Of course, Spike didn’t actually mean it. He wanted to talk this out and not leave, but obviously his mouth hadn’t consulted his brain before the words had come out. And yeah, maybe it’d hurt her to see Faith kissing him, but that didn’t mean she wanted him; really, sometimes it felt as if she didn’t want him, but didn’t want anyone else to want him either. The bird was going to make him as barmy as Dru if he wasn’t careful.
“Not sure there is anything to talk about, Spike. What’s there to say? That I was jealous? That I wanted to scratch her eyes out? Yes! I was jealous, dammit!” Much to Buffy’s chagrin, the tears had started to fall again. She batted them away and decided she had nothing else to lose, she might as well go for broke. “That hurt more than discovering you and Anya! I thought we were finally building something, Spike. At least with Anya it was a reaction to me dumping you. But this? Dammit, Spike! I’m just glad I didn’t tell you I am in love with you before this happened. Can you imagine how I would’ve felt then? God, I bet Faith is loving this, isn’t she? She tried to get Angel, she kinda did get Riley, and now she gets another man I love. This time she gets to see my heart break in front of him too.” Buffy was sobbing and not even looking at Spike, focusing her gaze was on her hands in her lap instead. She couldn’t bear the thought of seeing rejection written all over his face and in his eyes.
Spike sat there, looking at Buffy and wondering if somehow he’d misheard her. She loved him? No, she was in love with him. He felt like his world had somehow been flipped upside down. He couldn't stop himself from reaching for Buffy, grabbing her hands and pulling her flush against his body. He lifted her into his lap, one hand rubbing soothing circles on her back, the other caressing her face.
“Oh, Buffy, luv. Nothing happened between me and Faith. We were having a fag together and next thing I know she pounces on me and kisses me. Didn’t kiss her back. What you saw was the second she started kissing me. I don’t want her, never did. She’s a nice enough bird I guess, but the Slayer I want? She’s the one I’m holding right now. And she’s the only one I will want until I’m dust. You hear me, Buffy? To hear you say you love me? I could dust right now and I’d go with a smile on my face. For a second I felt my heart beat, when I heard those words.”
Spike felt Buffy’s arms almost hesitantly snake around his middle, and he breathed a sigh of relief. Her sobs had started to slow once again and he found himself suddenly looking in her eyes. He knew he’d always been love’s bitch but now it looked like, for the first time in over a century, his affections were truly returned.
“Do you mean that?” Buffy’s words barely registered as a whisper, but she could tell Spike heard her as his lips came down to meet hers. When the kiss broke, she buried her head in his chest and inhaled the scent that was uniquely Spike, a combination of leather, smoke, and whiskey.
For a split second, she couldn’t believe she’d just sounded so weak and child-like. She was the Slayer, she was supposed to be strong all the time, and to top it off, she was scared that Spike would think poorly of her. She knew in less than a minute that Spike would never think that badly of her, but the embarrassment was still there. She started to apologize for her statement but stopped when Spike’s lips crashed down on hers again, this time almost with a hint of anger. When he lifted his mouth from hers, she could still feel a phantom pressure left behind and she licked her lips, raising her gaze to his.
“Don’t apologize for the way you think or feel, Slayer. I told you, you’re the only thing I’ve ever been sure about, luv.”
Spike didn’t want to let go of her, but they needed to talk, with more than just words of love going between them. They both had some issues they needed to work out and talk out, and he couldn’t think of a better time. Yeah, the house was full of potentials and Scoobies, but hopefully no one would just barge in here without knocking. He rearranged them on the bed so that he was sitting up, his legs stretched out in front of him and his back against the headboard, with Buffy sitting next to him Indian style, her hands in his. For a few minutes they just glanced at each other, knowing what they wanted to say, both of them too afraid to put all their cards on the table.
“I can hear those wheels spinning, pet. Wanna tell me what’s going on in that gorgeous blonde head of yours?”
“Guess I’m afraid, Spike. I’m not good at this talking thing, you know that better than anyone. I just don’t want to say something and have it come out wrong. I know exactly what I want to say, but…”
“Nothing you can say will be wrong, Buffy. Want me to start? Well, I’m scared too, pet. What if you change your mind? What if you decide being with me isn’t enough? What if I can’t give you what you need? You could change your mind, decide you do want a cozy house and children of your own. Another part of me is scared that Angel will come back in your life, and then where will I be? But none of that is enough to make me stop loving you or wanting to be with you. There are no guarantees in life, know that well enough, don’t we? But pet, I’d rather take a chance on us than wonder what it would’ve been like to have your love even for a minute and never know for sure.” Spike was gently caressing her fingers as he talked to her, partly trying to keep himself from going crazy as he bared his heart to her and partly to convey his love for her through his touch.
“I understand the being scared part. I really do. I have my own fears too, and I guess it’s only fair I tell you mine too, but, Spike…” Buffy stopped for a few seconds and locked her gaze with his. What she had to say wasn’t going to be easy for him to hear, but she needed to get this over with. “I want to address your fears first, then I promise, we’ll get to mine. I’m not going to change my mind about loving you. Trust me, I tried, lots.” She gave him a soft smile when she saw the glare she received from her words. “I wasn’t even aware I was falling in love with you, but loving you as a friend, that part has been there for a long time… about since Glory was after Dawn. Guess I didn’t realize you'd worked your way into my heart until Anya’s wedding. Seeing you with someone else there, that… really hurt. And you already know how I felt about seeing you and Anya together. I felt like my heart had been ripped out and stepped on by the person that was holding it in their hand, even if I wasn’t willing to admit it at the time.” She could tell Spike wanted to say something but she shook her head at him, silently begging him to let her continue. “Being with you is enough. It’s more than enough for me. I swear, if you start going on about me needing normal I am going to scream. You know how crazy my life is, Spike. You wouldn’t be shocked if I came home covered in some demon goo, or wonder why I always carry a stake on me, or even wonder why I have a crossbow sitting in my bedroom closet. But it’s not just that, you get me on other levels too. You know that books and Buffy are non-mixy things, you know I have more pairs of shoes than I can wear in a year, you know alcohol and Buffy shouldn’t be in the same room. And none of that bothers you to the point you need to talk to me about it.” She could see Spike smirk at her, and she couldn’t help but smile in return. “You also don’t try to make me feel bad about being powerful, you don’t try to protect me, you know I can handle things on my own in a fight. Yeah, you back me up, but you don’t try to take over. Sometimes you know what I'm feeling and thinking before I do, and sometimes you know it even when I'm denying it. How could I not love those things about you too? Not everything is going to be easy for me to hear, just like everything I'm going to say isn’t going to be pretty either.”
Knowing the part about Angel was going to be the hardest, Buffy placed a kiss to Spike’s lips, not chaste, but not overly passionate. She tried to convey her feelings to him in the way she knew Spike related to best, through actions. Before she could get a hold of herself, her tongue had found its way into Spike's mouth and her arms had gone around his neck. His taste was like a drug to her, and it took all of her willpower to pull back, resting her forehead against his while taking deep breaths and trying to control her hormones. If she wasn’t careful, she'd have a naked Spike on her bed and inside her body before they got through with their talk. This time around, before they made love, she'd make sure they were on the same page and he'd know he wasn’t her walking, talking vibrator.
Spike, on his part, was trying to control himself even as he could smell the arousal coming from Buffy. His cock was getting harder at the taste of her and as he closed his eyes, he could still remember how she’d looked under him, and how she’d felt wrapped around him. The minute he'd seen her in just a bra and pants his cock had taken notice, but he'd been able to keep his desire for her in check--until now.
He let out a groan and tried to count to ten in an attempt to calm down. He felt Buffy pull away then and for a few terrible seconds he wondered if it was because she knew the effect she had on him; he mentally cursed himself, wishing he had better self control when it came to Buffy. To him, sex with her had always been making love and showing his love for her, even if for her it had only been about finding her own release.
He finally felt his body start to calm down, only for Buffy’s next words to excite him all over again, this time making him hard enough that it was almost painful.
“I want you. I need you to know that. I want to make love to you, the way you always made love to me. But you're right, we need to talk this out first. I can’t just pretend everything is okay just because the sex is phenominal.” She pressed one more kiss to his lips, so light he almost didn’t feel it, and sat back to look him in the eyes again. “I know you're not going to like this part, but please, Spike, just let me get through this. A part of me will always care about Angel…” She paused as she heard the growl from Spike and held a finger to his lips before continuing. “But that part cares about him the way I care for Willow, or Xander, or Anya--as a friend. Yeah, he was an important part of my life, but that part of my life is over. He was my first love, yeah, but I love you now.” She saw the awe and surprise that flashed in Spike’s eyes, as if he couldn’t believe she was talking about him that way. “And that isn’t going to change just because one day Angel might want me back. There are times I need to be selfish and put myself first, and I need someone that is going to understand that. And that someone is you. Spike, I want to take a chance on us too. I just need you to be patient with me. I know I’m going to screw up here and there, and so will you. Just… don’t give up on me, on us.” She withdrew her finger from his lips, but not before he could grab it and press a kiss to it.
“Know he was a big part of your life, pet. If it wasn’t for him in some way, not sure you and I would be here right now having this conversation. Doesn’t mean I don’t get brassed off hearing about him or thinking about the two of you together… but I get what you're saying, pet. Part of me will always care about Dru, too; doesn't mean I want to be with her, either. I want you.” Spike moved forward and brought his face inches from hers, trying to resist the temptation of her mouth.
Buffy licked her lips as she glanced from Spike’s mouth to his eyes, over and over, debating if she should kiss him. She was somewhat afraid that if she gave in, she wouldn’t be able to stop again… but she was also afraid that if she didn’t kiss him right that moment, she wouldn’t be able to focus on their conversation. Before she could stop herself, she flung herself on him and kissed him with every ounce of passion she could. As their tongues mingled, she wrapped her arms around his waist and tugged his shirt out of his jeans. She ran her hands along his back, enjoying the feel of his skin under her fingertips. Spike had his hands in her hair, not using much pressure at all but keeping her from moving out of the kiss.
God, kissing Spike was almost like a form of sex itself, and she couldn't stop a moan as he gently nibbled on her bottom lip. The man knew how to kiss, and she had to block out all thoughts of others who'd enjoyed the feeling of his lips on theirs.
His hands had come free of her hair by then, softly framing her face. She couldn’t figure out why his thumbs were relentlessly stroking her cheeks until she could taste something salty in their kiss, and she realized she'd started crying again. Spike pulled back from the kiss and looked at her questioningly, clearly wondering if he'd done something wrong.
“Sorry, luv, didn’t mean to make you cry. Never want to see you hurt again, especially not because of me.” Spike finished wiping the rest of her tears away as he couldn't help but wonder if this was all a mistake. Just because you loved someone it didn’t mean you should be with them, and he wondered if Buffy was having second thoughts already.
“No! You didn’t make me cry--well, not really you, but kissing you... ugh! I told you Buffy and words were not mixy. I… I just never thought I'd be here with you again, like this. These are happy tears. Guess I have my own luggage in this relationship.”
Because yeah, a part of her was afraid of screwing this up again. He hadn’t been the only one to blame for the toxicity of their past relationship, and part of growing up had meant taking some of the responsibility for herself. If they’d been honest with each other sooner, maybe they could’ve had a good relationship built on friendship and trust, instead of just lust and desires; but part of her knew that neither Spike nor her had been in the same headspace they were now. Of course that didn’t mean she couldn’t mourn what could have been.
“Seems like, pet. Tell me what’s going on. Can’t promise to fix everything, but can do my best to try.” They’d resumed sitting like they were before and Spike knew she was distancing herself a bit, but he couldn’t figure out why. For once, he thought it had nothing to do with him and everything to do with her own insecurities.
“Part of me wonders... if I’m enough for you, now that you have a soul. I started to fall for you before you got it, and while you’re still the same Spike, there’s a part of you that’s different. You know my track record with guys isn’t stellar. What was it you said? I have bleeding tragic taste in men? Well, what if you decide you want something or someone different?” She looked away, afraid to see what Spike’s reaction might be. She knew he’d be horrified she even made that suggestion, but it was her fear, and not all fears were rational. “Then there’s the entire aging thing: you won’t age, and I will. What if I do grow old by some Slayer miracle? What happens when I’m eighty? I won’t be pretty and young then. Is that going to make you want to find someone different?”
Buffy knew she was rambling but didn’t really care, she just had to get it all out there. While talking she’d been looking at her hands, trying to keep from seeing Spike’s reaction to her thoughts, but now she risked sending him a glance and could see his jaw was clenched tight, as if he were stopping himself from saying something he might regret.
“You are completely off your bird! You know that, right?” He gritted his teeth when he realized he’d yelled at her. He couldn’t believe she thought his love was so shallow. “Love has nothing to do with how someone looks. Yeah, was attracted to you the first time I saw you, but that doesn't mean shite. Still loved Dru, and never would’ve left her for someone just cause they looked pretty. Did I ever tell you that Dru dumped me because she could tell I was falling in love with you? Thing is, pet, what Dru and I had? Wasn’t anything like what you and I have. She was never in love with me. Yeah, she loved me in her own special way, but she was too far gone for Angelus to want to only be with me. So no, not gonna leave you, luv--especially now that you say you love me too. As for getting old, still not gonna stop loving you. You’ll still be Buffy where it matters, your heart. I can’t prove it without time. All I can ask is that you trust me enough to see that what I’m saying is true, and that’s gonna take time. Know I have no right to ask you to trust me, but asking anyway.”
“No, you’re right. It'll take time, and I can do that, I can give you time. As far as me trusting you? I’ve been doing that for a long time, even though I hadn’t admitted it. Seems I was on vacation in Egypt for a while… that river was a nice place to visit. I guess I realized I trusted you after, well, when you left. I went to your crypt to ask you for a favor, but you were gone. I didn’t even second-guess my decision to go to you, it was just instinctual. And then when I realized you were gone, I…” Buffy took a deep breath, trying to calm herself. Her thoughts when she’d realized Spike was gone had been confusing at the time, enough to make her question her own sanity, but now she knew with perfect clarity what had been going on in her head and in her heart. “I didn’t know what to do. It felt like a big piece of my life was gone. And honestly, Spike, I wasn’t sure what was going on in my head. Now I know what it was: you took a piece of my heart with you, but we both know at the time I had no interest in dissecting that part of my life. I tried to justify it by saying that you were my friend, and that I’d miss any friend, but I can admit it now. You’d think that between seeing you with the other girl and you leaving I would’ve admitted everything to myself, but I couldn’t. I... I already know what you’re thinking, but I need to tell you, I forgave you for everything the minute I knew you were gone.”
Buffy looked back at Spike then, trying to gauge his reaction as she could see him trying to digest what she’d just told him. She swore she could see tears welling up in his eyes, but before she could look closer, he’d turned his gaze towards their hands and their interlaced fingers.
“You shouldn’t forgive me for that, Buffy. What I did was wrong, ’s why I left. Had to make myself someone better. Didn’t think it would make you love me, but thought at least then I’d deserve to be somewhere in your life.”
“The soul didn’t make me love you, I told you that. I had enough clues to realize I’ve loved you for a long time, but I was blind and in total denial. The only thing the soul did was make it easy to admit to myself that you were someone I could be with. It hurt so bad to send Angel to hell... if something happened and I had to dust you, that would have killed me. The soul didn’t change who you are, that isn’t why I’m telling you how I feel. But I couldn’t have been your conscience either, that wouldn’t have been fair to either one of us. As far as me forgiving you, well, have you forgiven me for everything I did?”
“There was nothing to forgive, luv. If I hadn’t pulled you down in the dark with me, none of that would’ve happened. Know that well enough now.” Spike couldn’t figure out what Buffy was implying but there was no way he was going to let her take the blame for everything he’d done wrong. Her actions had been more of a reaction than what she would’ve done on her own, after all.
“That’s where you're wrong, Spike. Remember Willow’s forgetting spell? Without your memories you thought you were one of the good guys, and I should've paid attention to that. If I’d been honest with myself I would have seen you were trying to change. God, this is so messed up... we’re just playing ‘what if’s and ‘what should have been’s here. I know I messed up, and so did you. But guess what, so did Willow, Xander, and Giles. I forgave them, so why shouldn’t I forgive you?”
Spike was speechless for once. He wasn’t as dumb as he let everyone believe he was, but right this moment he just couldn’t process what he was hearing. He closed his eyes and took a deep breath, trying to calm his emotions. His brain and heart were at war with everything Buffy had told him, with his brain insisting that there was no way she could really love him like she said while his heart almost felt ready to start beating again.
With his eyes still closed, he leaned forward and pressed his forehead against hers, breathing in her scent and enjoying her nearness. He felt her arms snake around his midsection and pull him to her and in turn, wrapped her in his arms. She felt so right pressed against him that he just knew he'd found his own version of heaven. He pulled back so he could look in her eyes and make sure he hadn’t just imagined everything. The love he saw nearly floored him and for once he thought maybe there was such a thing as a soul mate.
“Can we take this a day at a time? Not… this… but, ugh!”
“Are you sure English is your native tongue, pet?” His comment earned him a light smack on the arm and a few giggles from Buffy. Christ, he'd missed teasing her and hearing her laugh. The last time he'd seen her this happy, well, it had had nothing to do with him, really. This was a first.
“Yes, smart ass, I’m sure. I want to be with you, I do, in every way, but can we promise to keep talking? I don’t wanna mess this up, and I don’t exactly have a stellar record in the relationship department.”
“Can do that, sweetheart. Don’t wanna do anything that would jeopardize what we have. I’ve missed you, Buffy.” Spike pressed a kiss to her lips but pulled away before it got out of control. If they were going to try for a relationship he knew it had to be on her terms this time, not his. His way hadn’t worked, but he was also a new man, and not including the sham of a thing he had with Harmony, this was only his second relationship.
He got up off the bed then, which earned him a look of confusion from Buffy, but he made it to her bedroom door before turning around, determined to do the right thing and not damage their bond this time.
“Gonna let you get some rest, luv. You need to heal and sleep is the best thing for that. We’ll still be okay tomorrow.”
“Spike, please… stay with me? I want to fall asleep in your arms, I, I need to be with you. You're my best friend, no, wait, more than that. You’re my… boyfriend, gah, that sounds so childish and not enough to describe what you really are, but, the position is open, I mean, if you’re interested.” Buffy knew she was rambling but she couldn’t help it, Spike had the tendency to make all rational thoughts and feelings escape her brain.
And then Spike locked the bedroom door, and walked back to the bed, and pulled Buffy to him. He gently led her by the hand to her dresser where he pulled out a tank top and some pajama shorts for her to sleep in, and then put them in her arms. He didn’t want her to think he was trying to rush anything with her again and hoped she could tell that was his intention. He knew she could hear him when he mumbled ‘one day at a time’ when she gave him a quick kiss and went to change.
He rummaged around the drawers finding a grey pair of sweatpants that would probably fit him, only to realize they were his. He’d gotten them with his poker winnings, once he’d returned, needing something to sleep in that was fairly comfortable. While he preferred sleeping in the nude, he’d no longer had a bed to do that in, and a cold floor against a nude body hadn’t exactly appealed to him. He’d wondered where these had gone off to but he’d figured somehow he must have left them in the basement of the school. He turned to Buffy then, in time to catch her blush and shy smile as she clearly realized what he’d found. He wondered what else she might have taken but didn’t feel it in himself to ruin the moment by asking her.
Once they were both changed, Buffy walked over to the right side of the bed and climbed in, waiting for Spike, watching him as he walked over with a bit of swagger in his step. She could see the love in his eyes, as well as the lust, and swallowed as she realized he looked very predator-like right then--only, she knew it wasn’t food he was after. It was enough to make her change her mind, even though they’d both sworn to take it slow. Still, she finally knew without a shadow of a doubt that he still wanted her and that calmed the last remaining doubt she felt.
Truth was, she’d missed this version of him, the one with the cocky attitude and an answer for everything. That had been the Spike she’d fallen in love with, soul or no soul, chip or no chip.
Once he’d crawled in bed she turned to face him, her head resting on her arm, and slowly reached for his hand with her free one. There was such a sense of peace and serenity that being with him gave her, and she felt her heart skip a beat when she thought how close she’d been to losing all this. She let out a sigh as Spike pulled her to him and wrapped his arms around her and then pressed kisses over his collarbone and up to his neck, trying to convey how much she loved him and enjoyed having him with her.
Spike had no doubt that Buffy must feel the effect her kisses were having on him, just as he knew she could hear him suck in a deep breath as she brought her tongue into play on his neck. He pulled back to look in her eyes and saw the same love and desire he knew must be reflected in his. Before he could gather what Buffy was doing, she’d shed her tank top and was laying across him, her breasts rubbing against him and her grinding herself against his erection. It had been so long since he and Buffy had been together that he was already hanging on by a string. Christ, he was so close to sensation overload, he had to wonder if it was possible to dust just from foreplay. He was sure he was either going to dust or orgasm before he was in her, and he wanted to make sure she was taken care of before that happened. He loved feeling her come undone with his fingers and tongue, knowing it was him that made it happen… of course, she usually hated to be reminded of that, but deep down he knew tonight would be different.
Buffy’s eyes flew open in shock when Spike rolled them over so he was on top. She’d wanted to give him pleasure, and love him, the way he’d always loved her, but she should’ve known that when it came to sex Spike was a selfless lover--she let him have his way. She’d never truly appreciated that before, and vowed to finally give him the same. His hands were pushing her shorts down as she was trying to push down his own sweatpants. Then the idea of foreplay for either one of them was thrown out the window as she felt his cock near her drenched pussy. She needed to feel him right that instant, to have that familiar pleasure that she only could get from him. Even as he tried a few times to move down her body she pulled him back up, silently and then not so silently begging him to enter her. The second he was buried inside of her, tears came to her eyes, and she felt like she was once again in heaven. God, sharing this with Spike was what she not only wanted but needed.
As he started the push and pull from her body, their lips met again, breaking shortly for words of love and reaffirmation that this was real. Quite too soon it was over and they were both cumming hard, Buffy biting Spike's shoulder to smother her screams and he biting her neck with blunt teeth to smother his.
Spike pulled out of Buffy gently, pulling her to his side and gently kissing her.
“Sorry, luv, didn’t mean to… Well, let’s just say it’s been a while.”
“Me too. I think we both needed that. I just wish… it doesn’t matter,” she said as she shook her head; she didn’t want to contemplate the fact that the last person he’d been with was Anya.
Somehow, he knew what she was thinking, that the last time he’d been intimate with someone it hadn’t been her, and while he knew Anya had wanted a repeat performance, he’d been thinking of Buffy the entire time. He could feel a few tears escape Buffy’s eyes and land on his chest and kissed her gently, whispering words of love.
“I’m sorry, Spike. GAH! My insecurities are going to drive you nuts. Hell, I’m pretty sure they’re driving me nuts.”
“Just don’t stop talking to me about them, though. I love you, Buffy. If you can remember that, and we talk about what’s going on, we can make this work.”
He couldn’t believe his fondest dream and wish was coming true, and part of him was scared that when he woke, he’d find that it had all been in his mind. He closed his eyes and prayed to whatever deity would listen that maybe, after all this time, he’d be able to keep this joy that he’d found with Buffy.
Buffy looked at Spike with the same love and adoration reflected in his eyes, knowing he was right. Then she let out a yawn and curled into him, sighing comfortably. “Love you too, Spike.”
Sharing a final kiss before slumber took them both over, she felt his arms tighten around her.